The Viall Files - E1201 - My Boyfriend Is a Slob | Ask Nick

Episode Date: October 12, 2026

Welcome back to The Viall Files: Ask Nick edition! Our first caller asks how to handle her new boyfriend not liking her dogs. Our second caller seeks advice on communicating to her boyfriend about his poor hygiene habits. Our third caller wonders if she should give a guy another chance after being ghosted for 2 weeks. Subscribe for more dating advice, relationship drama, and unfiltered Ask Nick calls every week. "I would have a short leash, pun intended, with this guy." Nick is on Substack! Subscribe here: https://nickviall.substack.com/subscribe  ARE YOU A MESS BECAUSE OF YOUR SITUATIONSHIP? OR JUST IN GENERAL? Email [e-mail] with all your relationship questions and be a part of future Ask Nick episodes! Want ad free episodes and incredible bonus content featuring updates from your favorite callers? Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + HERE: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Subscribe to The ENVY Media Newsletter Today: https://www.viallfiles.com/newsletter  To Order Nick's Book and/or learn more about the show, go to: https://viallfiles.com THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Helix Sleep: Go to https://helixsleep.com/viall for 20% off sitewide. Merit Beauty: Get the Signature Makeup Bag free with your first order at https://meritbeauty.com.  Wayfair: Head to https://wayfair.com.  Superhuman: Try Superhuman Go at https://superhuman.com.  Nature's Sunshine: Go to https://naturessunshine.com today and use the code VIALL for 20% off your first order, plus free shipping. Audible: Go to https://audible.com/dracula.  Walden University: Visit https://waldenu.edu today. Pom: Go to https://pomwonderful.com.  **To advertise on this podcast please email: [e-mail] or go to: https://advertising.libsyn.com/theviallfiles  Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @baybaeee

I need a man's advice on how to strategize asking my boyfriend to improve his hiking. Describe it for me. Handwashing is something I need to ask for, and then that turned into hand washing with soap. Picking his nose in public, there could be more teeth brushing. There's also a lot of flatulence. There's a certain pride there, along with the frequency. But I'm sure there are a situation in his life where he has to show up, and he has to hold in a fart. I do wonder if most times exist.

I haven't seen any restraint ever. My name's Ella. I'm 32, and my dogs are about to end my new relationship, and I blame the matchmaker that we used. Okay. Tell me about it. Yeah, so the guy I'm seeing for two months hired a matchmaker. I found this matchmaker. They posted an ad on Instagram that I responded to about this guy, and it sounded really great. I'm not on any dating apps.

I don't love the dating apps. I knew that if he was using this matchmaker, he was probably pretty serious about a relationship. So I was like, you know what? I'll try it out. Whenever I met with the matchmaker, I told her, she's like, what are your deal breakers? Really, like, one of the only ones I had is like,

I have two dogs. I love them. They're allowed on my furniture. They're a part of my life. and I need whoever I'm with to like my dogs. So I assumed that he knew this. And so now we are two months into the relationship. I spent a few days at his house and I brought my dogs.

And then he told me after I left that it was a lot and he doesn't know if we're compatible. I was a little frustrated. Was he allergic? He's not allergic. He's just prickly. Yeah, it's a little prickly. He was never informed by the matchmaker, which kind of frustrated me. But regardless, we both really like each other.

And now I don't know. I don't want to waste my time on this relationship, of course. The question is, how much do you like each other? I don't know about matchmaking. It's an imperfect science, I imagine. And I also imagine when the matchmakers are talking a lot of people, people have a lot of like, well, I don't like this, and I don't like this, and I don't want this.

And I blah, blah, blah. And maybe this management was like, I don't know. Like I know she brought up the dogs. Maybe he forgot to mention how much he didn't like dogs. He says that he does like dogs, but he's just never experienced this before. So he was like, I didn't know that I didn't like it. Do you want kids? Yes.

Does he? He doesn't know. Well, his reaction to your dogs is not a good first sign. That's what I said. To him? Yes. Yes. Totally to him.

What did he say? Yeah, he agrees. He's like, I don't want kids now. If it's the right person, I'm open to it. Don't fall for that. No. And, you know, again, you don't need me saying this, but like, you're obviously still very young. But these are important years.

And I wouldn't waste among people who are pretty concrete and the non-negotiable that you have on the hope that they might change. And it's such a trap, the right person. and obviously you're like, well, that's definitely me. And you obviously are, you know, I'm sure great enough to have people like, but like, and yet he's so, you know, he's hired a matchmaker. He found you. He likes you. It's all great.

And he's dying on this hill. Yeah. I mean, he's like, oh, no, he's like, I do not want this to end. I want to figure out strategies with the dogs. Here's my advice to you. How old is he? 32 we're the same age don't like criticize him well don't don't don't be mean when you do it or don't but you kind of need to tell him to grow up and without without actually saying you need to grow up

and i think you need to have you know if next time this comes to head you kind of honorably like listen if you can't tell i really like you you know you know the whole how we met it felt right because you know we were you you know like just felt good and i really like you and there's a lot here i like but a i want kids and i don't want to put words in your mouth but like that's something that i don't want to compromise on and um i just a need to know if you're not you know outside of kids i'm not giving up my dogs if your life is this particular um and set in its ways then i don't you know i'm not going to fit in it. And I just want someone who's able to, you know, build a life with. And, uh, and I think you should say this confidently. You know, it really comes down to how you say it.

It's, it's not a lot of begging and pleading and I, can you, I won't you change your mind. And I need you to, you know, it's, it's more like, bro, what are you doing here? Do we like each other or not? And if you are, then like, hey, relationships, they're like, this is, this is, this will be the easiest sacrifice you make in a relationship is accepting the fact that I, have dogs. It's going to get harder from here. It's called adult life. I'm ready for that. I'm excited. And I'm up for that challenge. And I want a guy who's up for that challenge too. And, you know, like, I want you in almost like in a coach, you know, way, you know, give him a little like, without telling him the man up. Because you don't want to, you don't, like, it's such a needle you're

trying to thread here. You don't want to emasculate him. You don't want to talk down to him. But you want to be like, yo, I am not the type of person who's just going to fit in someone's life. And if that's what you're looking for, I'm not that person. I think you're sexy and great and I love a lot. You know, I'm excited of what we could be. But if you're not, if you're this unflexible, then maybe there's nothing here. Yeah, I think that's what I've been struggling with. I don't want to emasculate him. But it's, it's hard, like you said, to like find the right, to find the right words, communicate that. I think the words are you speaking confidently about what you want. Yeah. And don't ever, like, when it comes to the kid things, it's just like, well, you know, me, you know, like, don't apologize for what you want, whether you don't want kids or you want kids. I mean, that's not something people should be convinced about. I agree.

but you should just be confident about what you want. I think all people find people who are comfortable what they want, attractive and sexy. I'm not saying he's going to accept what you want, but the best fade forward is you to own what you want and be like, this is what I want, and I know what I want. You don't know what you want, but I do.

I'm not going to be enough to make you want to have kids. No one ever is. It's not about the right person. Yeah. I mean, obviously you don't want to have kids, you know, but like, you know, people have had kids with who they thought was the right person and it ended up being the wrong person. You know, it's like.

Yeah. And I guess, yeah, I'm pulling in because I've found myself in relationships where I have made myself smaller or like, oh, maybe they will change. And like, so I don't know, I knew I needed to ask. Definitely. Yeah. And then that's the thing. Don't make yourself smaller here. It's really important that you are as big as possible and confident about what you want and very clear. And he can accept it or not accept it. Because if you choose to walk away, you're walking away being like, yeah, I have no, listen, I know what I want. It's clear.

Right. And you're great, but like I am not giving up the life I plan for myself for someone I've met for two months, who's who says my dogs are a lot, you know, and he's not even allergic. Yeah, yeah, it's true. I guess, you know, I was a little, or I am a little bit willing to fight for it because it has been really good. It's been hard to find anyone outside of these giant things we're talking about that I like as much as this and we align on everything kind of but this so far it's a big but

it is a big but and it's not even just about the kids it's about his he just seems like a guy who's very comfortable complaining about how he doesn't like things and getting his way I said that yesterday that's not that's not that that's a big but when it comes to meeting someone at this you know, you're both 32 and ideally you'd want to meet someone who's like, all right, well, what do we want together? Like, what, you know, like, I know it's early. It's been two months and I don't think we should play house, but your biggest thing is is being confident about what you want because you want him to, the goal is, to you say your

peace and have him to be like, what an incredible woman. I would be foolish. Like, what am I doing? Like, I'm, you know, again, like, oh, you're hanging out the boy. You know, it's just like, and if he wants to be a guy who's, you have to work around his boys and work around his video games and work around all the things that he likes to have, then that's not the person you want. Even though when he does carve out time for you, he's great. Right. And right now, it's only been two months and it's all very exciting and you are benefiting from him being excited about you.

Eventually, you guys will stop being excited about each other. And hopefully at that point, you've built a strong connection where it won't be. be the excitement that keeps you guys wanting to keep hanging out. It'll be this connection that you've built and this life that you've built and you show up for each other and you rely on each other and you're the go-to person for having a bad day or advice, you know, and you build that and that's what, you know, but right now it's just the excitement and he needs to show you that is willing to build the life with you. Otherwise when that excitement wears off, it's just going be yes totally okay don't blame your matchmaker they're they're they're they're they're working with a lot

of prickly people totally displaced anger i had to put it somewhere no i know um but he needs to grow up a little bit you know and just like you're worth it you know it's just like give him a little bit of like you're i mean if you're going to walk away from me for dogs then okay but yeah don't be sad even if you're sad and don't show him you're sad no begging no like getting you know you state what you want. You're like, it's choice is up to you, but I don't want any powders. If you're showing up for the game, I want you with good attitude, you know? Yeah, no, I agree. I agree. I think it's like this points to like a bigger possible incompatibility thing. Someone who recognizes yourself that in the past relationships,

you had a habit of making yourself small. This is not a good sign. This relationship has all the makings of you falling into that trap again. And this could be a really great moment for you for you to kind of stand up for yourself and what you want with confidence and hope he comes around, but if not, let them, let them go because this is, this has all the makings of three years that you're going to, like, want back. Yeah. Yeah. I just got out of a four-year thing, not just, but, and I would like that back. Okay. So you're, you're not, it's not that difficult for you to find things. Relationships are difficult to find, but you are, you've, you've, you've, you've proving yourself it's capable, you're capable of doing it. So I know it's hard out there.

You have found it. It hasn't even been that long in between. You've found it with this matchmaker. You can find it again. And maybe this guy will come around, but it won't come around if he feels like you can be convinced to change your mind. I'm scared. What are you scared about? To get back out there. Like, um. Oh, to date again? Yeah. It's, I don't know. It's awful. I know. But I'm going to sound like the old guy here.

You just, you have, it's part of the grind, but like you don't want to make, you don't want to settle for good and sacrifice great, you know, and you, and I know these are important years, and as someone who wants a family, I know there are things you have to consider that I don't, but you are still young. And you are capable, like, you're, you know, your issue is not getting men interested in, you know, your issue is finding the right one, you know, and not everyone's in that position. focus on the good and you can be picky but be picky about things that like you can live with but you don't want to have to live without your dogs and you don't want to have to compromise I literally

earlier today I talked with a woman who's 35 who who's like I found my guy he doesn't want to have kids and you know it was a tough call because it's like you know she she really likes them and she's two years into this relationship so you know not two months. And so she's invested two years. And she, you know, and she has the same fear of getting back out there. And, you know, with the added of, like, really having two quality years with this guy. Yeah, it sounds like they had similar conversations about, like, he was maybe open to it, but not, I think he was pretty clear about not wanting kids, but she kind of , you know, it sounds like, whatever, whatever part of her didn't really, you know, I think

it was more like, well, I don't need kids right now, and I'm fine, so I'll let's date. And now her decision is a lot harder. And there's no good answer. There's no clear answer. You know, You don't, again, you don't mean pointing it out the whole biological clock thing. But, you know, 32 and 35 are some pivotal, important years. I would rather you waste them on bad dates and finding the right person for, or then settling with a guy who's like annoyed with your dogs. Because your dogs aren't the compatibility. It's his lack of flexibility where you two aren't compatible.

He's using your dogs as an excuse. But that's not the thing that you're not compatible with. it is you don't fit my perfect life and I don't want to have to make sacrifices for someone. And that's why I think we're incompatible. And that is not someone you want to build a life around. Right. And he either, A, just needs to grow up. And that is possible with a 32-year-old man in 2026.

Or he's really this selfish. But I wouldn't invest in someone who still needs to grow up. Maybe a tough talk from coach. you know, so to speak, who's like, you know, kind of get your shit together and you can have this great thing in front of you, which is me. But I need to know, no, kind of thing. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Because, like, you know, every day it's like you get more attached and into it and meeting the friends and all of that. So. But this is such a big butt that all the charming things he's doing is pales in comparison.

and what this butt can, how it can play out in this relationship. I agree. And I know that. I know that. So have the talk, but just be confident about it. You never know. But you're not being sad and you walking away, so just be with your head, hell high and kind of like, you know,

I don't know if you change your mind. But he really needs to change his mind. It's kind of be like, I really think I might want to have kids. But, you know, it's, it's already a risk because he can say he wants to have kids and he can three years in, he can be like, I changed my mind. Outside of him deciding,

you know, letting you know about quick kids, because it's really about, like, this man is giving you all the signs of someone who's not flexible, who's not willing to compromise,

who's not interested in making sacrifices for the relationship. And I would pay particularly close attention, if you keep dating him, because, you know, listen, you know, there's no harm to dating

for a few more months outside of, like, it might be a little harder to end it. But hopefully not, because, like, the only reason for you to say, all right, I'm not going to make a decision right now. I'm going to keep dating. I would pay real close attention to how inflexible he continues to be. And again, really focus on that

in terms of how you see him as a potential partner. And so outside of all the charming things he does in the good sex or whatever it is, be like, yeah, I have fun with him, but it's always, it's his life I'm living. Yeah, he's kind of said that. He's like, I like my life. He like has a nice house he's like i like it i like it the way it is and you kind of disrupt it and the and and no this isn't yeah he needs to grow up yeah it's just it's not how it works i know i mean you know i like my bachelor pad too you know when now i moved in it was like i one it was just like i you know i'm going to ask this woman to live with me she it's she has to be able to i might i might own the home but she's entitled to have it feel like a home, decorate the house, you know, and she needs to feel

like hers. That is something, you know, I was able to recognize. And for the relationship, and the person I liked and the person I want to invest in, I was, you know, he's very clear about what he wants. I would take him at his word. Yeah, he's incredibly clear. And he's, and think about how, and think about how confident he is when he says it. He's just like, he's not apologizing for it. He's just like, yeah, that's the energy you need to bring to that conversation. Yeah, no, that's great advice. I don't think he's your guy. Period.

I could be wrong, but, you know, it will require... I'll see how he... It will require a little bit of, like, you're probably going to have to be like, I don't want this, walk away, and have him to be like, that, you know what? I don't, you're, no, I don't want to lose you. And they'd be like, all right, well, what are you willing to do about it, you know? Right, right. And he could change his mind, but like, even that, you know what I'm saying?

That's the starting point. the acknowledgement that like he, you know, someone is worth it. Because right now, he's looking for, you know, I kind of had this like a famous line among the show where it's just like, your boyfriend wants to have a girlfriend, he doesn't want to be a boyfriend. He's giving he wants a girlfriend. He's not giving he wants to be a boyfriend. He's not giving he wants a wife.

He's not giving he wants to be a partner. Yeah. And like he hasn't had, you know, I've met his friends or like he hasn't had a relationship. I kind of see why. I would say that. You just don't seem like you're looking for a partner. And I'm not looking at it just to be someone's girlfriend. Right.

Yeah. Yeah, he wants me to like fit into his life. But I have a life too. And maybe he will find that person. Maybe he'll find that person. Chances are he either won't respect her or shall end up hating him if he's not willing to grow up and compromise. Right.

He's probably going to have to lose something important to him for him to make the to learn this lesson let it be me there you go all right no it's good it's good all right good luck out there listen i know dating sucks but you've you've you have navigated successfully through it already you've had a lot of wins you're capable of finding people you like you're not supposed to like most people um most your dates should be you not for me you are good you can't be picky in particular, which I imagine you are and should be about the people you date and and and and and be like someone who feels like they have a bunch of great dates and all in and and boy, just like I'm the bachelorette and boy, they discasted 10 great men. I don't even know how to. It's that's just not

reality. It just requires some patience. But I get where you're at, but give it a, you know, give it a chance, you know, do what you have to do. But I would, I would have a short leash, pun intended with this guy. Perfect. All right. Yeah. No good stuff. Appreciate it.

All right. We'll take care. Thank you, Nick. All right. Bye bye-bye. How's it going? It's going well. Thank you.

How are you? I'm good. Thanks for asking. What's your name? My name is Nellie. I am 34 years old. And I need a man's advice on how to strategize asking my boyfriend to improve his hygiene.

Among other, non-life-wetting issues. Describe it for me. It's not so much even that he's a slob. There are just a lot of ways where I can tell he lived alone for a long time. And the hygiene is one part. When I wrote in my subject line was my boyfriend is obsessed with his butt trumpet. So there's also a lot of flatulence. And I, listen, I know the human body is the human body.

Yeah, but there's a way someone can embrace it and not. Yes, there's a certain pride there, along with the frequency, that is just, you know, you try to be as gracious as the cohabitator as you can, but it's to a point where I just, I don't know how to react anymore. I don't know how many times I can say, can you be a little more conscientious of other people around you because it extends, unfortunately, it extends outside of just like our personal living quarters. So outside of the farting, what else are we dealing with? I'm cool with the burping. We have burping contests. That's fine. Handwashing has been a constant nag, unfortunately. And I'm also,

I'm just exasperated to the point where like, I don't want to be a mother and have this like laundry list of things that are consistently bothering me and it comes out like I hear myself be my mother. but hand washing is something I need to ask for, and then that turned into hand washing with soap, because apparently that wasn't explicit enough in my request, picking his nose in public on dates. Like, at the house, it's like wiping his hands afterwards on whatever's closest.

There could be more teeth brushing. I've been that guy. Which is why I need a man's. Obviously, all the girls are, if I go to them, it's like, yeah, that's like... Of everything you describe, I think the farting is a fair... I mean, the way you're describing, it's just like he's not even like pretending to be a little discreet and to the point where it's almost like he's expecting you to enjoy it or just doesn't care how just like how unimpealing it can be. And like you said, everyone just, you know,

we're all human. Yeah. And no one's like, you know, you're not expecting him to hold it in, but he's doing more than that. You know, he's performing. I've been woken up more times than I can count from farts and not the ones that sneak out while he's sleeping like he wakes up at dawn and i'm not a morning person but anyways he wakes up at dawn and just like cracks them through the house it's it's wild well i mean if you're asleep and he's around the house i mean he can let him live can he just be like a little bit of like okay i get why i mean i'm into it but my partner's not i also recognize that as a contributor of society it's not it's a little gross and maybe I'm gross, but like, I could probably work on that a bit.

It seems as if there is zero shame. Well, do you want to have shame? Yeah. No, I truly don't. Like you say, I don't want to yuck anyone's yum, but this yuck is like a semi-universal yuck, at least at the rate and frequency and intensity, I suppose. I mean, it sounds like he's just kind of deliberately being gross.

And a lot of what you describe is just like, I don't know, say men are gross and there's that. but he's like, he's, he's a little extra. And he doesn't sound like a guy who would ever describe himself as feeling sexy. But to do whatever degree, he goes out of his way to turn you on, you know, I don't know, to care enough to, to be attractive, to dress up. I don't know. You know what I'm saying?

To take some pride at himself or whatever. I do know what you're saying because I crave that. But it is at the point where it's bleeding into. like the romantic side of things and the sexual side of things. How long has been together? Well, that is the other thing. This is like a long-term relationship. So this isn't like, oh, we're four months in and I just can't, I've got the ick from the

farts. We've been dating pretty seriously for about three years. Outside of him being gross, he's a pretty good guy, pretty good partner. That's the catch. Yeah, it's we, this is the safest I've ever felt with a man, the most secure. I have zero worries about poor communication or cheating and fidelity of any kind. I feel extremely, he's the type of guy that, like, if he's not, if I don't know where he is, he's probably hiking, cooking mushrooms.

What makes him feel good about himself? Most things make him feel good about himself. Like, I don't, I'm really not aware of anything that makes him feel poorly about himself. When was the last time you complimented him where you felt like he was like, really? Thanks. Because you're kind of describing this guy who's like, I don't, you know, I don't care. you know, I'm gross, whatever, like, he doesn't look in the mirror, he's got no vanity, and fine, and I'm sure there's a lot of elements that's attractive, like, you know,

he's not like some superficial guy on Instagram taking selfies and, you know, yada, yada. So back to, like, what I was saying before, it's like, on some level, he's got to want to, like, make, he's got to want you to, you know, it's like, part of me wants you to say some version of, like, you're such an attractive person, and I just want to feel like, I want to feel like you care that I'm still, attracted to you and you it's like you go out of in like I'm not trying to change who you are and like you have some bad habits that like I could nag you all day that I'm not I'm not going to die in that hill pick your nose try not to do in public the flicking and the rubbing you might have to deal with

that the occasional like I don't need to brush my teeth tonight whatever they're still going to be there you know those are all gross and icks but he's you know he's got he can't be so comfortable where he's like, because there's a certain line where it's like he makes you feel like he just does, he doesn't care about the fact that like he's, he's like, I'm just, you know, like, no, you know, you wouldn't want to get married to someone and have them to be like, like, the day of your wedding, the next day of your wedding. And they're like, well, why are you so happy? It's like, well, I can, I can give up. I don't have to take care of myself. I am never going to try, uh, to turn you on. I don't have to put in any effort. You know,

know, and you'd be like, you know, like, when you first met him and you're on your first date, did he like comb his hair? Did he, you know, did he put on cologne? Like, you know what I'm saying? Like what? Yeah, no. There's a part where you want your partner to, to show up for you in a way that. And he's missing a little bit of that. Yeah, and that's been the case the entire length of the relationship. Have you tried to have this type of, obviously you've tried to have this conversation with them, but how have you tried to do it? I'm, like, a very empathetic person in his, like, it's not necessarily take it or leave it energy, but, like, the confidence in himself is beautiful, et cetera.

So the ways I've asked is I've made tissues available in every room of the house. I offer to get them for him when I see the nose picking, things like that. I'm, like, very religious about brushing my teeth and my oral hygiene and things like that. So it's like... If you could pick one of all the things he's gross about, you get to, like, let's say that, you know... Yeah, let's focus on one. The therapist or the genie, is this like you get to pick one. I imagine it's the farting.

Let's do that because I think that might be the most like psychologically deep one. I don't know. Like the one he's the most attached to. It's also the most like, you know, if you, if you aren't a boy, I mean, he's not the guy, but if he was in, you know, parent teacher conference. I don't know. I know he's like hiking and picking mushrooms, but I'm sure there are a situation in his life where he has to show up and he has to hold in a fart.

I do wonder if those times exist. Yeah. I haven't seen any restraint ever. Listen, in any relationship, whatever the problem is, right? Whatever the problem is. Yeah. There's a level of every relationship where you need to know your partner gives this shit enough about what you care about because it makes you happy.

And in this situation, because, like, again, you don't want to be your mom and nag a, you know, like, you married a rugged guy. and you married you you you chose a rugged guy you're with a rugged guy you're not married him yet that doesn't mean you don't get to have some kind of requests and that he can't at least make some tweaks and changes for you because it ultimately like you know it's just a little much and it grosses you out and it's not like a crazy ask and um i would start with one yeah because yeah There's one version, it's just like, you're just so gross and disgusting, and it's just like, well, why are you with me? I don't know.

Like, I am, like, I'm going to change my whole, as opposed to like, okay, you can do all this shit. I don't want to, like, whatever. I mean, I might roll my eyes or nag you, and I'm not saying I'll never bring it up. But can you please, for the love of God? Not fart in public. Try to be somewhat discreet. I don't want to taste your farts.

And like, could you just try, could you put effort into that just for me? I just for me just like all I want for my birthday is this you know like can you just I'm I'm literally asking you do it for me I'm not doing you know I'm not saying you're wrong I'm not saying you know but like can you team this one thing can you try there's been like not like spatial requests but like we're sitting on the couch eating dinner or something like can that wait or can you leave the room can you not fart while we're currently ingesting and this is a simple ask I thought it was but It hasn't really come to fruition in any way. Are there other areas that he's steadfastly stubborn or like?

And he's not coming off like, no, like, this is my liberty. I'm not like he doesn't, it's not that he answers to defiance. Like he, but he takes it as a giggle. Like he kind of thinks that's all a joke. So I don't know how to, like, I'm impressed about him that we're at the point where like, I really, we need to tweak it. Well, can you do that? Just be like, hey, this sounds silly, but like this really bothers me.

It makes me feel like you just don't care, you know? And like, it is gross. And I understand you're a rugged guy. And I love that. And I really, I don't want you to change. You know, there's a lot of things that obviously, if I could have my way, I would tweak. But this is particularly gross. And it's not funny.

And it's, it's, it's gross. Like, I'm eating and it's gross. And it's rude. It's rude. There's some level of it. It's rude. And, yeah, I think you have to be a little stern to the point where it's, like, like, yeah, I don't want to have to sit there and constantly be like, it's such a turnoff.

Again, there's a level of caring consideration. This is one of those things that people have a habit of like when it happens, you kind of make backhanded comments and remarks and you hope that they catch on and they hope that they get the drift. But it's one of those things you probably just have to like, as silly as it sounds, sit them down and be like, I need you to stop farting. And be direct enough for it like, it is, it really bothers me. And it gets under my, and it says, And part of it's because you just, you don't care enough to like, just not, you know it bothers me and you don't even care enough to be considerate to not even do it while I'm eating dinner. And that's just kind of rude.

And it just, it makes me feel like you don't give a fuck. Can you just stop that? It really, really bothers me. It bothers me more than you can even imagine. And I think you have to come, come to him with that approach. Have you done that? I guess not like sitting him down with like full focused attention. No.

I mean, I don't know if you want to tell him, but it's like, it's so bad I had a, I had a call into a podcast, and it's a guy has a pity. Because it's, you know, he does know, he does know, but I mean, like, all jokes aside, like, but like, that's silly, you know? Yeah. And it's just like, you'll play on this episode. And if you're listening, man, just like, come on. Just like, she wants, you know, she loves you for who you are. And like, I pick my nose, too, and it's really gross. And I afflicted. And it's, and I'm embarrassed to say. And I'm not proud of it. But sometimes you just don't want to give a fuck and you just want to flick that booger. But like can't you just hold in the fards? Because it is a turnoff. And like, you know,

like don't you want your partner to be turned on by you at least a little bit? Like, yeah, you deserve to be turned on. And I imagine he wants to know that you, you, you, he turns you on. You know? And this is a big wrench in that. Yeah, there could be. I mean, that's, I've wanted to have like a conversation just about setting the mood, you know, getting each other turned on, like really like having that romantic side to our intimacy. And this is connected to that, but I think there was already kind of a dearth of, I don't know, it's not my most romantic relationship. It's just like a fantastic relationship otherwise. But that is an area that I feel is lacking. Yeah, he doesn't have to be a romantic guy. It doesn't have to be in his nature.

Right. But he doesn't get to say, well, if you want to be with me, you can't expect any romance. And you deserve, you know, again, all of it is effort. And most times when it comes to relationship, it's just knowing that the other person is willing to do it for us goes such a long way in relationships. And it's a million trades of,

wow, you did that for me. And you showed up for me and you were willing to do this for the greater good of the relationship. And it's not about you in this moment. And again, like, in finding that balance between being able to be yourself in a relationship while showing up for the person and making them feel like

they're worth it to show up for. And this kind of falls into that. And he's, you know, it's like, you deserve, you deserve to ask. He doesn't have to like change his whole DNA. He doesn't have to become Casanova. But like everyone, he's got to make it a priority from time to time. He has to give enough of shits to know it's, it's important to you. He's got to, in this department grow up a little bit and recognize that if he values this relationship with you, he can't always be, well, this is who I am. Yeah, I just need it to like make an impact that's going to last a long time, like not just dissolve from his memory in a week. Like, I really want it to be a nice change where we have some spark back and we feel more connected because I feel like

he is thinking of me. I imagine that even the smallest adjustments would be profound at this point. If he got up and, you know, and just, I'd excuse myself, didn't say anything, you didn't ask, but you kind of knew he got up to go for it. Oh, I would like clutch my pearls. That would be amazing. He won't be perfect, but right now he doesn't, he doesn't care enough to try. And it's the trying part that would mean so much to you. Obviously, he's not going to go from farting all the time to like just, you'll never hear it again. Right, right.

But I imagine if you saw an effort, that would go a long way. And if he, like, got a little loose and went back to his old ways, a little just reminder that you were, you know, and I think that would go a long way. It's the lack of giving a fuck and making you feel like you're stuck because he doesn't care enough to make any adjustments because this is who he is that I imagine is the part that is. Yeah, and I feel like I'm asking so much, or like, that's just, like, since so much time has passed where he's known that it's been, you know, not the hottest thing. It's like, it's like, I started playing Madden. I'm playing Madden after this. Um, I use this. But obviously it's

something that gives my wife the ick, right? Now, if I chose to pick up video games as like a hobby and was like, well, I've picked them up and now I'm just going to do it when I want. and it's my hobby and, you know, that would be a big fucking problem in our relationship. It still annoys my wife, but I pick my battles. I make sure that I never, like, asked to be play video games over being a dad or, you know, or a husband.

You know, I really recognize the privilege that I get to do it. He's just more like, well, you know, that's what I like, so I'm going to do it. You don't get a say, I'm just going to fart, you know. And again, like, my wife's willing to put up that because she see you know she I imagine she recognizes that like you know it makes me happy you know whatever I get to have like a moment um but it's not so much where it like really becomes you know something that she has to deal with out it being like an ick I think she would rather

be hanging out with me than me being playing video games or rather would love my help of something of course like you know and she's willing to do that for me but part of it is like the recognition. It's the consideration, right? When you know your partner is considering your feelings, you are willing to give them a little bit more leash. And he's making you feel like your feelings don't matter when it comes to this stuff. And that's the part, that's the problem. Especially to continue the long-term relationship. It's like, okay, so do I have to just deal with what else you're not going to give a fuck about? You know? Yeah. Like, is this the permanent condition that will be like,

that I'm agreeing to if we say, yeah. So I think it's more of an earnest conversation, a less of the, you know, stuff like this, stop with the passive aggressive remarks if you're making any, or the huffs and puffs or the whatever, and just come direct and just be very clear that it bothers you. And the best, you know, you just, you, yeah.

And he knows your, I mean, honestly, I just plain the goddamn episode. It sounds like a great partner. And again, he's like, you don't want to be this guy, bro. Like, you, really? I think the angle you mentioned of asking, like, a way that you can show me, you care about me, is to like, listen to what I'm asking you and know that like, yes, it's a fart or yes, it's booger, whatever the case.

But the fact that you have, if he has more discretion with those things and if he's more thoughtful about it and more would be just like any increase. It's a consideration thing, right? Yeah. You know, your boyfriend farce, but like the person who's really, really busy and always in a rush, like they could use that as a justification to skip lines or just be rude to baristas. And like we've all had moments for like, you know, again, I've been inconsiderate. I have to been, I've been called out for my lack of consideration at times in my life.

I've had to learn some tough lessons. This is, he's, it's inconsiderate. It's just, no one wants to smell someone's fart. It's rude. It's why, like, V don't do it, you know. It's like, and he's just so, you know, it's just a lack of consideration. And when you feel like your partner doesn't consider your feelings, it gets really old really fast. And like, and it's silly and funny and farting, you know, everyone likes

farts jokes and whatever, but like, it doesn't change the fact that he is not being considerate. He's playing a little, he's playing a little dumb and leaning into, like, and again, there's a balance between expecting him to change his ways and just be this clean, cleansy person, never pick, you know, like, he's not going to be that person. You probably should back off on some of all the, the other things. But I think you can pick your battles here because, like, having a loose butt and farting all the time. And, uh, and, uh, and, in public, which just,

like, just, like, just, again, no consideration for who's around you. It's, it's inconsiderate.

It's rude. I mean, that's, let, you know, and if that's, if he's so inconsiderate with his flatulence,

it's like, eh. I mean, it's, what's the difference that? Who's like, a person who's just,

like, constantly demands to like, you know, be in the center, you know, just to only, to walk in any room

and just be like, well, I'm the only one person who matters here. Yeah. And it gives that off. You know? And there's being a gross guy and there's being an inconsiderate person.

You're willing to accept the kind of gross guy, but it's the lack of consideration that I feel like you would love some improvement on. Yeah. Yeah. It would be really nice to have like a sweet, sexy evening where it wasn't constantly interrupted. You know what I mean? To just like keep my sexy trans thought, it would, yeah, the consideration would go heavy there. Because I just feel, yeah, it's just at the point where it's like interrupted. I just have gotten so, because we've been living together for a while now, so I've like,

have been confused as to whether I am overreacting or if like, is it too much to ask for just to like have a romantic hour or like one hour, you know, where I can just like get lost and he's just so comfortable being inconsiderate and kind of charming almost about it. It's like this unique weird thing where it's like not so abrasive and the whole like, yeah, what's the human body? What am I supposed to do? Yeah, because it's not like, he's unkind. It's just the conscientiousness of his surroundings and the people in those

surroundings that is, I just can't comprehend how it's not there. It will require effort on his part. It will require him to consider your feelings in some other peoples. And he'll have to think about it. You know, and it will require effort. I guess he might not see what the payoff is. Your feelings. Your feelings. Because you want it. Because you're asking. Again, like, you know, knowing my wife, it means a lot for her to receive gifts and it's a love, it's a genuine love language. It makes her happy. And her happiness makes my happiness.

And it annoys the fuck out of me sometimes the pressure of gifts and like, whatever. And it's just like, oh, I fucking hate this. But it makes her happy. And there are other things that, you know, it's like there are things that make me happy. She does that. You know, it's consideration. It's because your partner wants to do it. And again, there is a bad.

between being a demanding, you know, it's just like, well, it's what I want, you know, versus like finding that balance in a relationship, knowing that like, you know, you both know you're showing up for each other and making it clear that you would love him to consider your feelings. And that's what you make it about. It's not shaming him. It's not saying how, do you realize how rude this is and how disgusting you are? It is, I really need you to do that. Not I want, I need you to do this for me. I want you, I want to feel like you care enough to just improve, drastically your consideration for where you fart in public,

especially around me. And I don't think that's too much to ask. I think you can do it. I'm a back off on some of the other stuff, but I need you to consider my feelings here because it just makes me feeling I don't give a fuck. And it's not giving the fuck that really pisses me off.

And it hurts my feelings, and it makes me know, and don't care. It does, like, really change the tone like in the bedroom, or if we're having a different, serious conversation about something completely unrelated. It's like, there are times for, that type of humor, you know, to round out a weird moment, but it does get out of control.

It seems like he has a sense of humor. If I have a conversation with him, if it doesn't land, would you, would you call back in with you? Oh. So I can be like, why can't, can you please stop? I can smell it from here. Yeah, I think he would. You probably like, but yeah, I, you know, again, if you're listening, if you're listening, why, you know, it clearly bothers you. You're going through the effort to call into a podcast It bothers you. And the fact that this bothers you so much, whatever it is, he should be like, I don't, like, that should bother him, that it bothers you so much that you were desperate enough to,

like, ask me about this. And that should make him want to stop. Was this helpful? I mean, do you think? I don't know. It was. No, it was helpful because I never, I wouldn't have put my own feelings as, like, the collateral at stake, you know?

I think it's more helpful for me to bring it to myself. Like, don't come from a place of mother as you don't want to. You're not here to train him up. It is, if we, listen, you go camping, party off. You know, party on, pop off, whatever. But like, around me and around social situations where I'm around, it would make me, it would really mean a lot to me if you could make the effort to do this. It would go such a long way with my feelings.

And it would be a gift. Yeah, I don't think I've said it quite like that yet. Okay. I'm curious how it lands. Yeah, because otherwise, you know, it's just like, you shut up, mom. Don't talk about the new mom. I know.

I hear it. I hear my own mother and my boys sometimes. And it's like, okay, I need to speak. I hear it. Yeah, come from a place of asking for the favor. Keep us posted. I'd love an update. Okay.

All right, take care. I'll do my best. All right. Thanks so much. Bye-bye. How's it going? It is going good. How are you?

I'm good. What's your name? Sam and I'm 35. How can I help Sam? I'm in a little bit of a situation. So just looking for some advice about a somewhat long-term relationship that's just been kind of going in circles. He ended up leaving the house for two weeks and then moved his stuff out, a lot of it,

and then is trying to reconcile now. Okay. Wow. When he moved out, like, did you get the heads up or like to walk me through what happened? Yeah. So, I mean, we are a blended family. Okay. So he has children. I have children. They moved in about a year and a half ago to my house. And then it seems like for the last year, we've just been having for whatever reason going in circles with communication just like can't get anywhere. Okay.

Like something minor can turn into something big and we're just not seeing odd-d-eye, just going in circles. Okay. So then he left. We got into a disagreement again, just over something stupid. And then he left the house that night. And so we didn't talk for about a week. I reached out after a week. Wait, wait, wait.

So you got in a fight about the peanut butter being left out or whatever. Yeah. He left with like, did he take his. Kids? So his, he shares custody. So his children were at the partners. Yeah. Okay.

He left. Just, he just like, went to go get gas and never came back. Yeah. Well, like, packed a bag and left. Was he like, I'm leaving or did, like, did he communicate that? I need a break or? Yeah. Yeah, he communicated.

And like the last few months, he's like almost threatened that he was leaving a couple times. Okay. And I've been like, no, no, don't. Let's work through this, blah, blah, blah. So that night, I was just like, you have a lot of communication issues that you need to get through and work through because this is just not working. Life is just not going to work for you if you can't communicate whether it's with me, your job, your next relationship. And you packed a bag and left. Did you say anything for that or you just packed a bag? just like really foolish things that just didn't really make sense. Foolish or hurtful?

There was nothing like super hurtful in that moment. Okay. There has been. There has been. Okay. I think I was just so fed up at that moment that I was like, leave. I don't care. Okay.

And then did you try to reach out and he like sent you to, you know, he sent you to voicemail a bunch of times, leaving you hanging? Or did you like respect to? A week went by. You waited a week. Yeah, which is like hard for me. But like I was kind of standing my ground because I felt like I was always the one who went to him for resolution or resolve. So you were trying to, okay, yeah, you were just like, okay, you let him throw his temper tantrum, so this week.

Yeah, basically. Okay. So a week went by and he didn't reach out. So I texted and was reached out and I said, are we going to talk? He never responded. Where did he go? Did you know? Yes.

Parents' house. Okay. How old is he? 40. Okay. Went to his parents' house. He didn't reach out. Two days later, I reached out again and went into like a spiral mode and just like basically texted a million things in a row, just about everything he did wrong and everything I was feeling.

Somewhat responded, but not really. Again, it didn't go anywhere, just like going in circles. It's just like kind of the continuous fights that have been like following us for the last like little bit really. Didn't go anywhere. So I feel like that night I continued just viral and just like text. Sure. Yeah. I can only imagine.

Not not great things. But I can only imagine. I hear you. Anything you can't take back? No, because to me it was all valid things. Okay. So you didn't like, you know, you weren't like, you're a fucking loser, you know. Oh, no.

Yeah. You're just venting. And then, and then he, what changed? So then the next day, I was like, let's meet up and talk. We don't blah, blah, blah. Let's try to work it out. And he was like, no, I'm not. I'm coming in a few days and I'm getting my stuff.

So he came a few days later, got his stuff, took, obviously not like big ticket items like furniture and stuff, but like his clothes, some of the kids stuff. And a few days after that. he started to message me and was like, I thought about a lot of things, almost wanting to reconcile. Almost wanting to or? Well,

like, like saying it without kind of saying it. And that was then, but now it's like he thought about everything. He wants to get back together. So now he's like, there's no, there's no confusion.

He's like, I want to get back together. Yeah. And he's gone away for work for four months. So he left a couple weeks ago. and he's gone until December. What, what do you do? He went back to school to be a police officer.

Okay. Yeah, so, I mean, it is a good, like, career change for him. Okay. But again, I said, you need to learn how to communicate that you're going to be a police officer. Well, why did he want to be a police officer at a curiosity? He tried a couple times when he was younger, but then had kids and just, he was kind of, like, stagnant in the career that he's in now and just there was no room for, like, advancement. Okay.

Did he like he really so like this was kind of a dream of his? Yeah. Okay. And he didn't like his other job? Not that he didn't like it. It was just again like he was in it for so long. There's no room like he was where he was. Like there was no chance of getting a raise.

Did you get a sense? Did you get a sense that he felt like what am I doing with my life kind of energy? Yeah. And I he definitely had and I've talked about this with him because I can like not that I'm great at communication, but like I can talk about anything. like I'm curious, nosy, like to ask questions. He has a lot of insecurities. I found it financial, like, issues with, like, trust from his, like, past.

Just, like, his ex-wife cheated on him. I was the financial breadwinner. I'm pretty having my life together. Like, I'm pretty independent. I don't need him, say, you know what I mean? Like, financially, you're good. You're not worried. Yeah.

And, yeah, like, I don't need him to. to make my life better, if that makes sense. And he's not used to that. Do you feel like that bothers him? I think it's an insecurity for sure. But he hasn't communicated that? Not really, no. Because, like, I don't think being a cop's going to change that scenario.

It might, because, like, financially, it's a pay raise, but. Back to you, we fight over stupid things. Can you, like, do you, can you, like, describe a time and tell me what that looks like and kind of how it starts just from your best best recollection like things about like it could be cleaning in the house like he thought he couldn't do anything good enough because i'm particular and like things a certain way okay and he's not like that so if i came home from work and started like doing things around the house he felt that that was a dig at him that he didn't do something good enough or he didn't do things and then it would just what it okay well let's take this cleaning thing for

example. So like, let's say he cleans the kitchen, so to speak, and you come in, you'll also, like, you'll, you'll, you'll finish cleaning the kitchen, so to speak? Yeah, like, I could. Yeah. Okay. Have you, over the course of this relationship, like, made comments about his performance cleaning? Like, are you, yeah. I have, like, a super high standard. Okay. It's not easy to me. Okay. Well, that's good to recognize. And, like, that's a foolish thing that, to me, like, we should be able to to get through. Like, it's stupid. But there, I mean, there has been, like, serious things.

Like, I disagree. Like, blend of families are a super crazy dynamic. So you have to be on the same page with those things. There's just a couple things like I had thought where, again, and to me it's because he can't communicate properly. If he saw, like, one of the kids being left out, like, I would bring it up to him and say, like, maybe you should talk to your children.

about this situation and he would it would just be a fight like give me an example if like one was being left out and it was obvious and like getting in rolling their eyes leaving my kids out rolling their eyes at them they're annoying blatantly just like leaving them out when they're all around the same age and and like he would notice it too but like he wouldn't say anything what what do you mean what would you notice like he would notice like the leaving out the eye rolling the ignoring. Oh, I see. All right. So his kids want to do something. There's, there's a, there's a schism with the kids. And he's not doing anything to try to bring the fam together, so to speak. He just, he lets the kids. Yeah, or just say like, and just, you know, just telling him to be mindful.

Just like anything. He wouldn't communicate anything to them. Because to me, I didn't think he wanted to be like the bad guy. Okay. In terms of like, you know, he's gone for four months. Like, what's your overall like trust level i mean he was cheated on like are you you you in terms of like worrying about him stepping out or or his kind of character in terms of what what's just your general like feelings in that department like i think i have just from like past relationship experience i have an overall feeling of like i find it hard to trust and rely on a partner but like not necessarily because of him just because of past things. And I don't think he would ever.

Okay. Have you guys ever like talked about like couples therapy? We did it. We did. Okay. And? Like while we were in it, it was good. But then the last time we did it, he was like, I didn't like what he had to say.

I'd get to speak. And I, and it almost just felt like we were too far gone at that point. Like he was, it was just like we were just going head to head all the time. So it's like we couldn't communicate anything to each other without it turning into something. So it almost felt like even in therapy? No, in therapy it was fine. But then once we got out of it. Like he said he couldn't get anything said.

And I was like, well, you should have said something in there if you felt that way. Okay. So that's what I'm having the trouble with because he says like all these things he said before. But now all of a sudden he's like he has his realization. Oh no, I want to, I want to be with you. I know what I have to do to change. he said he's availing of like the counselor there and has had sessions up away in school. So that's what I'm trying.

It's like hard for me to wrap my head around. Like why all of a sudden you have this like aha moment? Do you respect him? Yes. Okay. Do you think he thinks that? Do you think he feels that? No.

Okay. That's big. Yeah. And like I don't even know like why he would think that. But like that's definitely the feeling. that I get from him. Because, like, to me, like, I've always been supportive. How, from your standpoint, do you feel like you are supportive to him and show up and make him feel valid on a day-to-day basis?

I'm really bad at, like, giving compliments or, like, giving validation. Like, words are not my, like, those type of things are not my strong suit. I'm more of, like, an action. So I feel like a lot of actions. I do show that. Like, how so? Give me an example. From your standpoint, like, how are you showing love and affection? The affection, the last little bit, has been difficult because we've been at such a standstill. But I, to me, I've always kept trying to say to him, like, when you come home from work, I want you to give me a kiss, give me a hug, ask how your day was.

So, like, me kind of saying that to him, but, like, I didn't get it. But me initiating that, I definitely, I was not great at that. Do you know his love languages? Definitely words of affirmation. Definitely. Okay. So you're not even like what he wants, right? Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. What he needs. What he needs. Yeah. Yeah. Definitely the words of affirmation. And you're bad at that. Really bad.

Is it like so bad that you can't do it? Not so bad that I can't do. It's so bad that I have to think about like I have to make an effort. That's okay. That's okay. I fucking hate giving gifts. Fucking hate it. And he knows that.

Okay. Yeah. But like, you know, sometimes we're bad at things. My wife loves receiving gifts. I hate it. Despise it. Like, it breaks my brain. And like, it's just like, it's fine right.

Oh, God, if I had to do it, you know. And it makes, you know, but like I, I, I gotta do it, you know? And to me, like, that's so much easier because saying words or giving compliments, it's so awkward. Sure. But like, yeah, to each their own, you know, like, it's like when I'm interviewing people, like, who work for me, you know? Like, you know, it's like, you have a way of, as someone in an interview would, kind of like selling yourself. and a, you know, it's like you're the perfectionist, you know, I have high standards. Okay, that might, that's true. Saying I have high standards is a, is a, is a, is a very positive way of describing yourself on the

opposite side of saying high standards, you know, someone could say you, you know, you're difficult or it's difficult to meet your standards. Maybe like, if I were, if with an employee, someone who's like, oh, I'm a perfectionist, I'm a type A, I have high standards. As a, as a, as a, is an employer, I might be concerned that this person might not be the best teammate, you know, with the team. And I play a lot of team sports, so I would differ on that. What do you mean differ? Like, I would beg to differ that I'm not a team player. Okay.

All right. But just like, I mean, like the whole cleaning the kitchen element, you know, like sometimes it's just like, yeah. In relationships, little things have a way of, you know, shavings make a pile, both positively and negatively, you know, and kind of undermining each other has a way of stacking. And no doubt, you know, I'm not, I don't have him here to talk to. So, you know, I'm obviously just going by what you're saying. It sounds like you said, he's got a lot of communication flaws. If I were to ask you, you know, like, what are five things that he's doing

wrong that are affecting your guy's inability to communicate? And what are five things that you think you're doing wrong that it's affecting your guy's ability to communicate? Do you think it'd be easier for you to come up with his flaws or your flaws or to be just as easy. I'd say his flaws. Okay. Yeah. And he may be more at fault, but like again, this is a team. And it's like one of those things where I think that kind of energy is part of the problem.

And my guess is he feels it. The fact that you can easily say, my guess is he doesn't feel like I respect him is an issue, right? And it doesn't, like you may be right. I don't know what right, you know, like, you know, whatever that means. But in this, in this relationship, that's not sustainable. And everyone has needs in a relationship. And it sounds like you guys are not meeting each other's needs.

No, that's definitely true. And like he has said that and I had said that. Okay. How committed are you to changing that? Forgetting about his role, like what, how committed are you to changing what you need to change? I think I was really committed for the last little while while we were having all these issues. Like I'd be the one suggesting like let's go out just two of us because obviously with blend family, you're both working. It's difficult on time together. I would suggest like those,

I would suggest I try journal writing because to go back and forth. I brought up the couples counseling. I brought up the individual counseling. I would be the one like trying to initiate conversations and was willing to do a lot of things. In terms of what he was asking, what was he asking? Not a whole lot. I didn't think besides different, like more so physical intimacy stuff. Okay. And I would explain, but like if you're not like connected emotionally, that's not really going to happen.

No, that's fair. oversimplified as it might sound like the love language thing i think is a big thing though you're you're you're you seem to be describing a guy i mean like one the fact that he had a career for such a long period of time that wasn't his it didn't probably didn't feel like a career to him it felt like a job you know just the average guy i mean average person but i think specifically with men that can really affect their sense of purpose feeling valued or feeling needed and feeling important you know that can take a toll on a it sounds like he's this kind of stuck in this kind of not feeling good about himself state and maybe hopefully the job is a step in the right direction but that's obviously not going to change

there's a lot obviously a lot to work on in the relationship but I mean as far as like you know if he if you know he's someone who needs words of affirmation that is something you would have to do and you would have to get over the awkward feeling that it creates and it's like and if that's not something you're willing to do or you can't do then maybe it's just a lack of compatibility. But it's not fair to any partner to be like, I don't know, it's hard for me, it's awkward, it's stupid, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, all the reasons. And you're entitled to feel that, but like within that, it's just like, I'm not capable

or willing to meet your needs. You know, you're kind of saying that. And that just has a, you know, an effect, so to speak. And it sounds like you're kind of dealing with a guy who's just like, he's like looking for a win and he can't get a win and it just feels like every time, you know, like, again, you're probably just like on a day-to-day basis trying to survive or just kind of keep the household going. And my guess is you probably have a way of making him feel like another kid in the house. I'm sure he's doing his stuff, you know, but again, he's not here for me to talk to.

Yeah. And I mean, he's kind of said that like he just feels like he's walking on eggshells in the house. Do you think that's fair? Or he has to be like super mindful of like the kids going around and making sure that they're not like causing too much of a mess. making a mess or you know what I mean? Yeah. When was the last time in the relationship where he did something where he felt like, where you acknowledged he did something right or you made him feel like he did something

right? Well, I think when he was like applying for school, I was like supportive through that and and when he got in and accepted. How were you supportive? Well, with my words, believe it or not. And got him like a card and wrote like in the card. because I'm good at like the writing. Okay.

Because it's just comes easier to me. Sure. And like I was always good at those things like writing in like the cards and like notes and stuff like that. What did you say? That was proud of them, supportive. Okay. Like you know, expressing like, you know, you're proud of them is I think a big, big deal.

Do you feel like he read it and acknowledged it? Did you feel like in that moment at least there was a spark of, oh, she's proud of me? Yeah, probably in that moment. Okay. and then. And then it just, like, I guess everything else that's been going on around us, like those things are quickly forgotten. Yeah.

It just sounds like, yeah, I guess it just sounds like you guys are not on the same page in terms of making the other person feeling valued and respected. And I think that's just a big, big deal. Like when you guys were in couples therapy, what was your therapist like, did he, did he or she, like, unpack any themes of the relationship or just, like, identify where you guys were butting heads? Yeah, like kind of identified where we were budding hands. But like, again, to me, it all just boiled down to like communication.

Like if I expressed how a certain situation made me feel. Yeah. It would be met with defensiveness or an argument. How do you express it? I would just say it. Like what, how so? Like, we were at a party once and he made some weird comment about, about like in like in front of a bunch of people.

And I can't even remember exactly what it was, but it was along the terms of like my choice and like men beforehand. Some weird comment. And I was like, I thought that that was weird. Didn't say anything obviously in the moment. And then when we left,

I just said like how I didn't really like that comment. It was super disrespectful. Okay. And then that turned into a fight. And I'm pretty sure that night he like threatened and said he was done like I'm done with this done with the relationship probably within the last six months like three or four times being like I'm done I'm done yeah that sucks hard to work with yeah it just sounds to me like you know like you said you know I I think you guys both have a communication problem

did you say what he said was weird did you were like that was super weird like as it escalated you're like that was fucking weird with like what he said at the party yeah I could have I can't even remember exactly. I just know I said to him like, I didn't like that. Okay. Yeah. Did you like, did you lead with like that hurt my feelings? I can't remember. Okay. I mean, so much of these conversations, it's like, it's so nuanced, right? Especially two people who are constantly bunting heads. Do you think what he said, he said it, like, do you think that he realized in the moment he was saying that you, like, do you think he was trying to be hurtful or do you think he was being sloppy and just a little inconsiderate? Yeah. Like,

probably the second. Okay. The second. Yeah. So like in those situations, right? Someone does something. They don't maybe realize what they did. They say something stupid and a lot of guys do that, right?

In that moment, you know, how you communicate that goes a long way to feeling hurt, right? And ultimately when we're upset, hopefully the goal when that's happening is not for you to lecture and tell him what he did wrong and punish him like you would a kid. but to communicate that your partner hurt your feelings and you just want them to feel like they hear you so that they can acknowledge, hey, you know, I did not mean to hurt your feelings, right? Like, in that scenario, the first goal of two people is one, for you to be like, that, that, you know, that really, that hurt my feelings. I don't know if you realize what you said. Like, try to offer grace by acknowledging that like, maybe this was unintended. Nevertheless, it hurt my feelings.

And hopefully that person at that point will not, you know, he'll say, I definitely did not mean that, but I am sorry that it hurt your feelings. And then the conversation hopefully starts from there. More often than not, though, the conversation goes like this, you know, like kind of what you said. It's just like, that really made me mad that you said that to me. And honestly, it was kind of fucking weird.

Why would you say that around those people? That tone is now you're, he's feeling attacked. He feels stupid. And then that's, you know, he feels defensive because he feels like, I'm a fucking weird guy. And it sounds like so many of your fights start, you know, it's like they just, they have the wrong start. And you guys have to figure out how to have a better start in your communication. And it will require both of you like a lot of energy.

Like it will require you when you're upset with him to like take a moment and go, what's the best way to address this? Which I'm sure at times will feel exhausting. It might feel like, why do I have to put so much effort in communicating these simple, like he should know better? type of energy, you know, I'm sure you feel that a lot. But nevertheless, if this is a man you want to be with, it does require that type of effort, especially right now because you guys are so disconnected. And with you guys being disconnected, you're never going to get connected if you feel like he has more work to do than you. You know, it's just like, yeah, I mean, he's really bad at communication. I feel like you guys are both bad at communication. But it feels like you kind of feel like he's a little bit

worse than you are. Yeah, and it's hard not to think that if, like, if I would bring things up and he either wouldn't say anything, wouldn't acknowledge what I'm saying, or just be met with, like, resistance. Yeah, definitely agree he's probably really bad at communication, and he's definitely not responding in a way that it's helpful. But my guess is it's starting from a place that immediately triggers him, puts him on the defense, and then it snowballs from there. And also just like you being a, like recognizing your heart to please or, or you have a perfectionist or you have high standards, those are all great qualities in certain situations. But it might require you to say, I need a pull back from that high, you know, like even if it's something as simple as not undermining him was something he did and he watches you redo it. And it makes you, you know, just without even saying anything will make him feel like he's not, it's not good enough.

And again, those things have a way of snowballing and adding up. you guys have to find a better way to start these conflicts. And it just feels like you're probably doing it in a way that is triggering to him. And I guess the question is, is, are you willing to, I guess it's like, it would just require to realize I'm half of this relationship and I have just as much to work on in our communication as he does. Because ultimately, you guys are in a relationship. I'm sure that at some level, like, how he reacts is so, like, childish at times and it feels

like so like shuts down and you're probably like thinking well I'm trying I'm trying I'm trying to communicate my frustrations I'm trying to let him know what's you know he's probably just receiving it is I'm just she's just up my ass you know she's just like just nitpicking me and I'm always doing something wrong and it's just like I never what am I doing you know what I'm saying and it's just like so he's not receiving it is oh she's the one who's trying and I'm not trying that's how you're you know it's how you're receiving it he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's receiving it in a different way. Yeah, and he said that.

He felt like I wasn't trying either. Yeah. Yeah. Well, because it sounds like you're both kind of set and how you, your version of what trying means. Mm-hmm. You know, you're like, well, this is how I think we should try. And you're doing that.

And he's doing his version. And neither of you are meeting each other's needs. And like that's where I'm almost like stuck because all of a sudden now after after two weeks apart and you moving your things out and saying you're done, all of a sudden now you're going to change and you want to do all these things. That's where I'm just finding it hard to like trust in that.

Well, yeah, I would understand, but I don't think, I think that's a problem, right? And the fact that, the fact that, listen, it was wrong for him to do what he did, right? The whole like leaving for a week and disappearing and moving out, not cool. And he did acknowledge that. He just, he kind of had said like he was never.

not in a really good mental space. Understood. I guess what I'm saying is, but the narrative that he has all this work to do and he needs to change and yada, yada, yada, and I'm sure he has work to do and he definitely needs to make adjustments

in this relationship. But right now, like, you know, you're not saying also, I have a lot of work to do. I have to change. We need to change. We need to figure this out. Like, that's not the energy here, right?

And I think right now he he did something so fucked up in the leaving and ghosting and yada, yada, yada. And now he's only focused on recognizing that mistake and he did the thing. And so now you're kind of in this like, I got him where I want him, you know, in a way where it's like he really fucked up. And I can really, you know, I'm not saying you're actually thinking that, right? But like the tone of the relationship is, and I don't think your problem is he needs to do all this fixing, you know, because I think you guys are both just very disconnected.

You're not meeting each other's love languages. If you guys don't figure out a way to better connect and communicate, you know, nothing's going to change. So if you want to be in this relationship, I think it requires you to also think what you need to change and what you need to fix. And it's not about being right and it's not, you know,

who's better and who's better at this, you know, I'm better at this relationship than you are. You know, I show up more than you do. You know, there's no winner, right? you know, because you're, that this, that's just, that's just creating more divide, right? Outside of, of him leaving and, and, and that, do you think you're capable of doing your part, whatever it needs to do, whatever needs to be fixed and acknowledge that whether you might not see it as much

as he sees it or feel it as much as he feels it, that his feelings are also valid? And that right or wrong, he's not feeling the love, he's not feeling the respect. And, you know, and you're more than valid about saying, well, that's, I don't know, that's too much, I don't want to do that. You know, I don't think that's the type of relationship how to be in. I don't want to, I don't, you know, you're 40, you should know better, yada, yada, yada. And some of that might be all valid and true, but that doesn't change that this is who he is. And if you want to be in a relationship with him, there needs to be some grace. And there needs to be grace both ways. You know what I'm saying? Like, when he was like, I got a lot of work to do, it would have gone a long way for you to be like,

listen, that was fucked up what you did. And I appreciate you acknowledging that. But when it comes to us and why we fight, I have a lot of work to do too. I'm not sure where I'm at right now. But if we do figure this out, I do want to acknowledge that like, it's not just you.

It's us. And I, you know, I need to make some adjustments to. I think that would have gone a long way in that moment. And I did like somewhat say that, like since he's been gone away. saying like I know that I have things that I have to work through as well just like you know so I kind of I did acknowledge that. Okay.

Do you want to be in a relationship with him? Like do you want to make this work? Like I do and I don't and that's like where I feel stuck. Why don't you? When I think about all the things that we have been through and we're fighting about and just like certain ways he's made me feel over the course of the couple years. Like I would be afraid. go back to that.

Okay. Why do you want to stay? Because we have a lot in common. When we're good, we were good. We had a lot of fun together. Like when all of us and the kids were together, we had a lot of fun. We're really active. Play sports.

Watch the same thing. It's like a lot of comfort there. We've known each other for a long time. Do you love them? Yeah. Okay. I mean, where do you think you're leaning more towards? I have no idea.

if you thought that he Like every day It changes Yeah Is it because you just don't think it ever It's ever going to get better? Yeah because like to me It's so easy for to say words

Like action is Is the hard part You know I want to see action I like to see action Like from both sides again Not just him And like again there's kids involved

So it's just a hard situation When you say kids involved I mean like in terms of If you decide to leave that's just, that's weighing on you of how it's going to affect the kids? Well, like the kids, so obviously, like, they know now that, like, mine, no, we're not together. So all of a sudden, if, you know, came back in the picture, although he's not home until mid-December,

like, it's confusing for them, confusing for his. How old are they? He has three, 14, 12, and 8, and mine are 12 and 7. I mean, I guess it's going to be confusing. It's going to be confusing either way right now. Yeah. Yeah, listen, I just, it just sounds like you guys are just very disconnected. And if you do want to be in this relationship, it sounds like you both have to take a big step back and stop thinking about what the other person needs to do for you to be happy.

And think about what you're both kind of doing wrong as creating this disconnect. He obviously needs to regulate himself better, but it sounds like, you know, like it sounds like you need to figure out how to communicate your frustrations in a way that don't feel like you're constantly attacking him. Yeah, and I think I'm sure it felt like that for the last little bit because I'd be the one to initiate all the conversations. Let's say you decide to give it another go. I think it's okay.

And again, I'm no experts. some of a therapist might, an expert might feel differently. But I feel like it would be okay for you to be like, you know what, he's not good at that. I am. I'm good at taking the lead and coming up with ideas. And allow that not to be a thing that you kind of get annoyed by. I always have to do that. Why am I the always one bringing it up? You know, kind of putting a feathering your cap of the thing that you're doing right that he's not doing. Maybe that's the role, like that's, that's, that's, something in the relationship you lead with, right? Like, you know, you know, sometimes when you are the one who's leading in a department, it can be kind of exhausting at times where you kind of want some support

and some help. So I acknowledge that. But it just might be, if it's a strength of yours, you might be better off being like, okay, I got this part. Without throwing it in his face or just telling yourself, it's just like, I always have to do it, right? Maybe, maybe just like his willingness to follow your lead is maybe a better, you know, hey, couples therapy. Oh, yeah, I'm willing to do that. Okay, great. Great. You know, it's like, and in that, in that scenario, there's no like, well, why did I have to bring it up? You know, like, I don't think that does the relationship any good by you, if you were to come up with a solution to a problem, and then he agrees with it instead of just being happy that you guys found a common ground to be like, to still be frustrated that he couldn't do it first. I'm definitely guilty of that. Yeah.

You got to find ways to make him feel like he is valued and you got to give him a win. And you have every right to be like, I'm not down to do that. I think he should know better by now. I want something more. I want a more, you know, like I want someone who's in a better place. And you have the right to want that. But every relationship, everyone brings in weaknesses and flaws. Chances are in your next relationship, this kind of energy that you bring into the relationship

where, you know, we'll take it. you know, whole on anyone. Certainly any guy who like really needs to, you know, words of affirmation of feeling like, you know, on a consistent basis of acknowledging a win. Great job. I don't know, great job. You know, like being a cheerleader, that goes a long way. And that would be something you would want to, you would want to have to tackle without feeling like you're only doing it for him. Like, it's like recognizing I really need to do this for my relationships to be healthier and better, you know, or when you are upset, and even if you're valid for being upset, again, how you start that is such a big, it's just like how you communicate, you know, it's just like,

again, leading with, hey, can I talk to you? I don't know if you realized it. I don't know if you meant it. I'm assuming you didn't, but it really hurt my feelings. And I, you know, I know that you don't intentionally mean to hurt my feelings, but it does get frustrating, you know, that, I felt embarrassed. But like, starting from a place of you're bad, I can't, how, how What, you know, like, if you, if you've ever done, like, I can't believe you fucking did that, you know, some kind of energy. How stupid are you? That's so fucking weird. That's just like, my guess is when you get mad that you're coming from more of that energy side of things.

And I'm sure at times that, you know, you're probably at your wit's end, so to speak. You've lost your patience, you know, you know, with your kids. You know, first you probably start with like a, you know, a little more grace and, you know, then it gets a certain point. I'm like, just go to your, you just fucking stop. Just stop, you know. I don't want to explain myself type of thing. And it seems like you're probably bringing the energy into the relationship. And again, it doesn't mean you're not valid for feeling the way you are.

It's just like it doesn't get you anywhere by being right in these scenarios. You know, I do this and I do that and I wish he could do this. You have to figure out what you want to change and be comfortable with that change. He needs to do the same thing for sure. but you need to figure out what you are not doing for him that's causing him to feel this way. And are you willing to do that? Is the question.

Yeah. It's hard to know what to do or what I want. Well, that's the first step is what you want. Yeah. Are you willing to do that? I think if you end this relationship, I would still, if I were you, explore ways that you could communicate better with your partner.

You know, I think it's easy in relationship. to feel like your partner's a bad communicator because they don't communicate the way you communicate. And then it's easy to label your partner as more inferior than you are. And I think it sounds like he feels that from you, right or wrong. Yeah, no, I definitely think he feels that way and not because of maybe things that I've said, like personally, but like just again, because of the like stability that I have versus what he has. Has he said that to you? Or are you? you're assuming it? He said it a little bit about like the financial stuff and just like owning your own house vehicle like those types of things. He feels behind. Okay. Yeah. And how do you address that?

I'm always pretty like believe or not easygoing. Like I mean everyone has different situations. He grew up very differently than I did. Like my parents are very supportive and reliable, whereas he grew up in an environment that was very unreliable, unstable. Yeah, that makes some sense. I guess in these situations, right? Like, I guess it would just like if you feel like your partner feels like inadequate, it would require you to be, you know, like, again, like words of affirmation. It's just like, listen, you have so much potential. I'm really, you know, you're chasing a dream. I'm really proud of you. And that was hard to do. And And a lot of people in your position and at your age never, never chase a dream.

They give up. And I think it's really cool that you did that. And, you know, well, maybe you're not, you know, maybe you feel like less than in this way. Let me tell you why you do so much for me and why you make me feel, you know, safe or, you know, all the things you do bring to the table. especially, you know, from a guy's standpoint, you know, like not, not being able to contribute as much financially. It certainly can, I think, affect men a little bit more. But I don't think it's, you know, something they can't overcome. But I do think it requires them to hear from their partner of why they, why it's okay.

You know, like, you show up in so many other ways and yada, yada, yada, and this is why I choose to be with you. And I don't, you know, outside of like, well, you know, listen, I don't need your. money. So don't worry about it. You know, that's not going to land as much as, listen, you show up in so many other ways that, like, I would rather have what you bring to the table than a lawyer who's rich and yada, yada, yada, and really make him feel valued. And it sounds like, again, like, this is a type of guy who needs a little pick me up and, like, you may not be down to do that. I'm sure there might be a lot of listening, people listening, be like, well, that's not her job to make him, you know, it is in a relationship. You know, if you, if you're not, you know,

want to be in a relationship, it's both of your jobs to make each other feel important and valued and good. And when the world is telling you you're not good enough, you have a partner that says, don't listen to the world. Let me tell you why you are good enough and show them and make them feel that way, you know? And right now you guys are not doing that with each other. And I think I was good at that. And he always knew, like, I didn't need somebody for money or, like, I would rather someone be kind, caring, supportive. And the last little bit, that's where he really lacked also. Lately. Yeah, like, since we've been having these circle issues, like a, I felt like more unsafe, lack of security, disrespected. It was hard for me to keep going with the positive affirmations

when I wasn't getting anything in return. Yeah, no, that makes sense. I mean, again, I think is to step one, you've got to figure out what you want, right? And, you know, you're just going to have to decide. And you're going to have to make the decision without, it's not going to be like, well, let's see if he changes. You know, like, what is, I don't even even knows what he needs to do to change. I also don't think that, like, he just needs to change. I think you both need to change, you know, and I think you're both bad communicators, at least with each other. You know, you have your style, he has his, it's not matching up. And you're both very frustrated with each other and neither of you are getting the other person to hear you each of that person and you're

tired of having to critique or you know guide him or push him and bring things up he's tired of just feeling like you can't do anything fucking right you know and it sounds like you know maybe this whole like being a cop thing will be great for him and it will go a long way to make him feel kind of better about himself but he's just he's he's he's starting that you know he needs that this is probably obviously a deeper issue of he's never felt like he's had anyone in his corner and now it's it's just gotten to a point where again you may have your valid reasons why it's hard for you to do why did you guys stop couples therapy uh we didn't necessarily stop it it was just well we went like probably a month before like he left okay it just felt like we

were going nowhere how did you guys in therapy talk about how you communicate like what did you guys talk about. Was it just like a bunch of airing of grievances? Well, the other person sat there and listened to the person dumping on them? No. It was just a lot of like working on communication, like trying to communicate better. What's something you learned? Different ways of bringing things up, different ways of talking, like using different languages, listening to the person before butting in. Sure. And like defending yourself before. Have I said anything that like that came up in couples therapy? Or am I just like off base here? No, no, you're, you're on track. Okay. Probably a bit better, honestly. Like, I almost wish that he could be here too, to defend,

you know, not defend himself, but like. Yeah, just to hear his point of view, yeah. Yeah. Maybe you just need to find a different couples therapy. You know, there's, I'm obviously a huge ethic of therapy. It's been great for our relationship. It's been great for me, but we have some good therapists. I guess I would just say don't set, you know, don't, don't make excuses for why a solution is, you know, just find a better solution. And there's a lot of therapists out there. And there's a lot of bad ones. And there's a lot of, you know, and there's some good ones. And if it's not feeling like it's working, you know, try a different one. You know, maybe that's me. You guys, you guys can find some common ground there. Our fucking therapist sucks. You're like, yeah, it does. I think the

starting point here is, if you want to be together, right? The starting point is, neither of us is doing this better than the other. You know, it's, it's, it's, it's eliminating the, well, I do this better and he, and he's like, well, I do that better. I'm, you know, he's bad at communicating. So therefore, we're, you guys are, you guys are not communicating effectively. You might be with a different person, it might work out great. This is the person you're with. And you're not saying things. In a way, it's being received by him and vice versa. And as far as the relationship goes, that is, that is a you problem. And it's an, him problem, right? There's no winning, you know? It's just like you either get through, you either

make the other person feel heard or you didn't. It's not like, well, you're not listening, you know? It's like, these things start, right? Because it's like, you said it's over something silly. And it's not about what it's about, but it's just like you will say something. Then he gets triggered. And my first, one of my very first therapy sessions, it wasn't even couples therapy, but it was my therapist was talking about how like, if you're arguing with more than five minutes, you should stop because at that point you guys have both resorted back to your you know your 15 year old version of yourself and you are not arguing with your partner you're arguing with the 15 year old boy and vice versa you would always want to take that break but i would be like no we got to figure it out

now uh you're me in that situation so i relate to you but you're i would i would say you're wrong like that is a waste of everyone's energy in time because you're not they shut down you know you're talking to a wall at that point. When you're like, you want to keep going, you're wasting your energy and time because they are not hearing you. And when it comes to communication, your only goal is to be,

whatever you need or want to say is for that person to hear it and receive it. So as much as it frustrates me, my wife's like, we're putting a pin in this. I have learned to be like, fine. Because again, it's, I learned through my therapy, it's just like, you know,

I can keep talking. But at that point, that's just about me being right. You know, it's about me feeling validated and I have something to say, and I need to get it out. But, like, she's not going to hear it and she's not going to receive it. And honestly, sometimes my wife would be the one to take a break. And when we come back, she is ready to say, okay, I hear you, right? She needed that moment to process, to calm down, to deregulate. And then it was like, okay, that's, yeah, I guess.

Yes, you know. And usually we're both doing that, right? It's not just like, I'm not saying, oh, every time that happens, she realizes I'm right and she comes back. It's just more like, I've learned that like once we get each other triggered, you know, it's that fight or flight. I can see, you know, now that my therapist made me aware of it, you can see it, right? You can just, like, you can see it in your partner where it's just like, we're fighting now. We're not communicating now. This is not about getting on the same page. We're in a fight, right? And when we're in her fight our body is in fight mode it's not it you know it's and that's kind of where you guys are at um and you guys need to figure out how to not do that and you need to figure out the things that you are doing

wrong in your communication style with him and change that uh he needs to also do that it's not about patting yourself on the back and it's not about like well i've done this you know type of thing and my guess is his big thing is like he just you know as someone who hasn't found his purpose yet so to speak, you know, his wife cheated on him. You know, this guy is like, I think he just, he needs a fucking win. He needs to feel good about himself. He needs to feel like he's finally doing something in his life that feels purposeful and good, and he's good at it. Um, he needs that. And you could probably go a long way to help that. Um, and maybe you're not down for that, you know, and that's, you're, you're, you're in tell, but he does need, this sounds like a guy who needs that.

You're going to have to want to say, I love him so much. He's a good person. He's got a lot of of great qualities. There's been a lot of bad. I certainly have my flaws, but like, I want, I want to be his teammate in this and I want to help him get there. I'm down for this. I see his potential. I see how happy you can be. And this is not my burden. This is my opportunity. You know, you really have to come from that place. You know, it can't be like, well, fine, I'll do it for a couple weeks, but like, oh my God, you know, like grow the fuck up. You know, if that's where you're at, then maybe it's not there. You really have to come from a place of, I want to help him get there. Again, being that teammate. It sounds like he needs that. You need a lot too from him.

Because, you know, at some point, he's going to have to recognize that he might not do everything great, you know, and maybe he needs to do things a little bit better. And he does, like, when it comes to the kids, it's more like when it's not happening to say, hey, listen, it really means a lot to that, like, I don't, you know, neither of us want our kids to feel excluded. And listen, there are teenagers and they're going to be difficult and, but can we be as much as possible a united front? And I would love your help when it comes to making our children feel included. We might not always get through to them, you know, but I just want us, when it's happening, I want to know that I have your help.

But when I give you a look, can you, can you speak up? Can you try? You know, and it's always, it's never do this when it's in the middle of the thing that's happening. It's like, can you fucking say something? You know, like that's not the way, you know, that's, that's not going to work. You know, it really has to be when it's not happening. And it's always, you know, again, like, I need your help is great.

What you said hurt my feelings. It's great, you know. Why did you do that? you never do this, you know, like, you know, those are not great places to start a conversation. And now that you guys are so deep into it, it's we're going to be very difficult to like, you know, because you're probably just like, I don't want to. I've said it a million fucking times. Like, I don't, you know, it's like, but you really, you're going to have to do that. Does that make sense?

It does. It makes a lot of sense. Clearly you guys need help communicating. It's hard to do, right? And it's a skill that many people don't have and even adults are struggling with it. And you guys need some help. And I think a good couples therapist could go online to help. And then when you guys get done with couples therapy, you know, when Nana and I would do couples therapy, we'd get lunch afterwards. Thankfully, we had a good couple of therapists.

And we'd get, you know, we always, especially early, especially when we first started, we really felt like connected after couples therapy. Yeah, like we'd hold hands. You know, we would lean into that moment of, okay, well, we feel connected. And then we'd go get lunch and have like a moment and just acknowledge that it felt good.

and, you know, I like this feeling that we're, you know, maybe that's something you guys can start incorporating. But you really have to find that common ground. And as far as you, you're really going to have to work on the words of affirmation. And you're going to have to say things consistently. And even if it may, even every time you're just like, I'd have to say it. I have to do it. Because it doesn't come naturally for you. And that's okay.

It's not going to. But you can still do things that don't come naturally for you in a relationship. You want him to do things that don't come naturally to him. And you expect that from him so much so that it annoys you when he doesn't. And you have to hold yourself to that same standard. No, I do. And it's hard to know now what to do, like where he's away. Like, do we limit communication?

Because it's like we're really almost like we're not really together. You have to decide what you want, step one, right? So let's say you're, you want to try. You're just like, I'm not ready, I'm not ready to walk away. Then I would call him up and just say, listen, obviously that wasn't cool what happened. It hurt my feelings. It didn't feel good. I would leave it at that.

I would try not to, you know, you don't have to rehash all the ways that was fucked up what he did. It sounds like he knows. And then I would say something like, listen, I think here's, and I would find the common ground. I think we're both exhausted with the way we've made each other feel. but I do love you. I don't want to let this go. I think we both are just like at our wits end. Find common ground.

Find things to agree on. Even if it's how you agree on how much you guys piss each other off. Laugh about the fact that like, boy, it seems like we both agree that we want to, ugh, you know, and you find that common ground. But like, I want to try. And I would lead with things that you need to work on. He's already acknowledged he needs work to do. He's acknowledged he needs to change.

And I think it would go a long way to say, I appreciate, thank you for acknowledging that. I also have a lot to work on because, like, clearly the way I'm communicating to you is not effective. I realize it's, you know, I think I'm being effective, but it's not because it's not being heard.

And you have to do it in a way. And I think this is something that's going to be a challenge for you because when I was talking about an employer and you just have a way of saying something that makes you sound like you're right and justified. and you know and it's so it's such a subtle way of working you know and i think when you communicate

these things you really have to allow yourself to say it in a way that like you're wrong and validate him that like it's not just him and then it's this more listen i i i know couples there we've tried couples i don't think we have a good couples therapist do you agree on that fine common ground there but i just i want to figure out ways we can communicate better and i have we have a lot of work to do but I'm willing to do it and are you willing to do that too? And now's not the time for us to hash it out. Are you down for that? Are you down for us to both like figure out ways?

And then also I would say, by the way, I'm just like, how's it going? I'm really proud of you. If I haven't said enough, I think it's so cool that you are chasing your dream. A lot of people in your position don't have the guts to do that. I think it's awesome that you really, that would go so far with him. I'm really, really proud of you. And if you tell him you're proud of them every week, that would go a long way.

Send him a tag. I'm proud of you. Just a text. It's not, you know, proud of you. And yeah, if you want to be with him, I think that would be the starting point. That's the hard part, trying to figure out what you want to do

because you think of, like, is the grass greener, but then that's such a false narrative. Yeah. I mean, I'm sure you can find someone else that definitely has, that doesn't have a lot of his shortcomings. But a person you find will have their own flaws.

you know and you'll have to unpack that and figure that out yada yada yada and i'm not saying it won't be better i do strongly think that you have some communication things to recognize and work on that will show up in your next relationship right for your flaws in a relationship that again i only talked to you for so long so maybe i'm who knows you know you can just ignore me if it doesn't land but it would require you for find someone who really really has their shit together in all aspects of their life. So that so much so that you're just like, I got, I got no notes. I got no notes. You know, you're really crushing it. But that person might find a way to make you feel a certain way, right? That you might be on the receiving end of the same energy that you, sometimes your

partners have felt. But yeah, I mean, is the grass greener sometimes? I think there's opportunity in this relationship. And it sounds like there are ways that you both can make improvements that you haven't tried yet. So. Yeah, definitely true. But take me, you know, take some time to think about what you want, but it sounds like there is a path forward. But I think my biggest note for you is to, to not focus on what he's doing wrong and what you're doing right and to figure out how you, how do you get your partner to hear you better? Maybe that's even sounds, but like, you know, because that,

it's really, yeah, it's, or it's just like, I'm not doing what I need to do to get my, you know, make my partner feel. It's like you just have to figure out ways that you can show up and get them hear you and vice versa. And maybe it's just about a couple of therapists. Like you should feel like there's some common ground. But also like, yeah, also just take the advice

from my therapist. You're not doing yourself any good by insisting to keep the fight going. At that point, once he's ready to take a break, you keep going. All you are is beating him down. You're creating a bigger distance between the two of you. And if your goal is to do the opposite, then I would, I would, I would,

I would adjust that approach. And as someone who relates to how you feel, I, I, I empathize with how a frustrating that can be, but I promise you it's the better of the two solutions. Yeah, because you're just trying to get your point across, but they're just not understanding it, and you're just trying and trying, you're literally talking to a child. You know, that's, so, all right? Is this helpful at all? No, it was. It definitely was. Does me a lot to think about. Keep us posted. I love an update.

If he ever wants to, you know, if he ever is down, I would, you know, calling him together. He probably would now because he said he would do whatever. Okay. That could be fun. I love a good mediation. I will say, though, I don't think this energy of I'll do whatever is good for the relationship. Because you kind of have them by the balls right now because he did the thing that kind of fucked up. But I would let that go.

Yeah. I don't like that. I like the balding in my court. I don't like that. Well, you know, you'd like saying, you have a decision to make, sure. But I think it would, I just think you need to quickly change the narrative of like, yeah, I mean, listen, that was messed up what you did. And I, you know, and yes, I would like a lot of things to change. But you have the right to, you have the right to want things to change from me.

And we have a lot to work on. And we need to make some meaningful changes in this relationship for us to be. happy in this relationship. So this is not just you have a lot to change. I want to let you know that that's not fair to you if we want to do that. And I think you communicating that would go a long way. I've also had said to him, I felt a bit like, I don't know if his judgment was clouded where he's away and he's alone now just thinking like, oh, he misses the aspect of being in a relationship. So like that made me a bit weary also. He says it's not. But I'm sure it was that bad thing. He misses you. He's got some, again, he's had some time to decompress. He's had some time to be

alone with his thoughts, you know, to deregulate, to get outside of his fight or flight mode, and to get outside of that 15-year-old child that did the thing that caused him to leave for a week. And it was so like, it's not a bad thing. It's a good thing. The fact that he has taken a back seat and gotten away from you. And what he wants is you is as far as the relationship, I think a good thing, not a bad thing. Yeah, I guess I never really thought of it as a good thing. I think it's a good thing. Maybe I'm wrong. Don't you want to be missed? Don't you want to be needed? When he has other options, so to speak, because I mean, not the, you know, like, not a person, but he's out there. He's being distracted. He could be, like, in school, being like, I'm finally doing the thing. And honestly, like, I haven't thought about my, my partner, you know, it's just like, when Natalie and I were kind of dating and not together. And I was, I was buying my first house as in that process. And she was like, let's date. And I was like, no. And she's like, fine, screw you, you know, whatever. We were in the same situation.

Okay. But I was looking for houses, right? And this is at a period where we weren't talking. And I'm looking for houses. And all I can think about it is like, I don't want to do this alone. You know, I want to, I want someone to do this with. And I want to do it with her. And I kind of imagined her in the house that I was looking for.

You know, like that I felt that to me was a good thing that when I wasn't with her and I wasn't communicating with her, and she was the person I thought about, you know. And it sounds like he's doing this. a little bit of that. I think that's a good thing. Again, he has a lot of changes to make, and he has to grow up a little bit, and he has to regulate, and he has a lot of work to do on his side of things of this relationship, but it's so do you. And you guys agreeing on that will go a long way. Yeah, I think that's something we would agree on. Okay. Find some common ground. But him being the way I'm missing you, I think is a great thing. All right. Yeah. Okay. Good luck out there.

All right. Thanks so much. Take care. Appreciate the call. Yeah. All right, bye-bye.