The Viall Files - E1205 - My Mom's An Energy Vampire | Ask Nick

Episode Date: October 19, 2026

Welcome back to The Viall Files: Ask Nick edition! Our first caller asks if she should cut her mom off. Our second caller wonders if her relationship is moving too fast after a divorce. Our third caller wonders how to move on from her husband after financial issues. Subscribe for more dating advice, relationship drama, and unfiltered Ask Nick calls every week. "He needs a come to Jesus moment."

Good, how are you? Good, what's your name? I'm Carly. I'm 31, and I want to cut my mom out of my life, but I can't pull the trigger. Okay, why do you want to cut your mom out of your life? She is just really, for lack of a better word, my husband would say insufferable. She deals, I think, with like a lot of just mental health issues and repeatedly, you know, crosses our boundaries and is super hot and cold with, like, her attitude and it's just very difficult to get along with in a day to day. And just recently, you know, we have a one-year-old who turned one in July. And she has a really hard time holding

to the boundaries that we have that we put in place to be her parents. What are those boundaries? Just like following specific schedules. So for example, like the other day, she's playing outside with the baby. And I called her and asked her to bring her inside to get her started with dinner. and she was like, well, she's playing with the neighbors. Like, you want me to just let her stop playing with the neighbors? Like, she's having fun. And I'm like, I understand that. I'm sure she's having a great time, but it's time to, like, eat dinner.

Like, that's our decision. And she just, she feels like monitored and controlled and micromanaged. And she just, like, can't really accept the fact that we make the primary decisions. And I guess how does that make you feel? I mean, it's just super frustrating. It's frustrating that she doesn't respect us. It's frustrating that I have to fight with her every. single time that she's over. And it's just stressful. Like I just don't want to have her around.

And so when you say you have to fight with her, why is it a fight? Because she doesn't hear like my side. So I'll be like, okay, I understand that she's playing outside, but it's time for her to come in for dinner. And, you know, I want to make sure she has dinner at a certain time so that she's, you know, goes to sleep at a certain time and we can follow our schedule. And she just fights back on it. She's like, I don't understand why you have to, like, you're ruining the energy of us playing. Like, we were playing out here and now you're just taking it all the way. Like, she just makes it a bigger issue. So, like, grandma's playing with your child and you ask her to come in and she doesn't agree.

You're like, do it anyway. She, she keeps going, like, in terms of. Yeah, yeah. She. Do you participate in that argument? I just tell her, like, you're not understanding where I'm coming from. and I understand that you want to be a grandma and do what you want to do when you want to do it. But I'm the parent and I get to make the decisions.

And I don't understand why it has to be so complicated. What does she say? She just says, whatever, that's fine. I respect how you want to do it and you do it that way. And then the next time it's another situation that happens like that. And just more recently, she wrote me probably like a 10 page long email, just saying like, this is how I feel. and this is, you know, because she'll like say in the moment, okay, that's fine, Carly. Like, you know, whatever you want to do, I respect it.

And then she'll not actually mean that. She just kind of like is trying to brush it under the rug so we don't have to fight. But in the email, it's basically saying that she doesn't feel like I respect her and she doesn't give me enough time with her granddaughter. And she feels just micromanaged and that like she can't do things that she wants to do. Like another one is, you know, we talk about not kids. kissing on the lips, like only me and my husband kiss her a baby on the lips. And I've asked her repeatedly not to kiss her baby on the lips. And the other day she says, can I have a kiss? And baby gives her a kiss. And I got really upset. And she's like, I don't understand how you could

not want her to kiss her grandmother on the lips. Like, that's like a respect thing. Like I'm her grandmother. Like I was inside of you. Like she was inside of me when you were inside of me. Like we share the same DNA. And she just, yeah. Just that curiosity, why is that a big thing for you? In the beginning, it was a germ thing. So we were like, it's our first baby. We were like germ freaks. Like, you know, we weren't even kissing our baby.

And then I think like my husband is a little bit more uncomfortable with it than I am. If I think about like my husband's parents kissing my baby on the lips, I'm like, I don't really love that. So I try to just put me in my husband's shoes. He just doesn't really like kissing on the lips. And it's just not something that he's super. comfortable with. But that aside, like, if we have a rule of like, you know, don't wave your hand at our baby, you don't put your pinky finger up like that. Should that not just be like the

rule because we're the parents and we what we say goes? For sure. Yeah. I mean, yeah. But where does this all lead to you being like, I want to cut my mom out of my life? She's, I don't like that. We argue every single time she comes over about the boundaries. She's not willing to understand my side and accept what our rules are. And then number two, I just feel like she's just very hard to get along with. So like one week, she's like, I'm in such big financial stress. I'm moving across the country and you have to take care of your grandpa. Like, I'm sorry, but this is how it is. And she's calling realtors across the country. And then the next week, she's like, I'm never leaving my home. I'm staying here. I'm staying put, doing what I can do. Like she she drags me into

her drama and is very hot and cold and it's like very intense for me to kind of be roped into that. And then also just like she crosses my boundaries with like she recently got divorced from my stepdad. And she just drags me into their drama and says that my dad can't have his girlfriend at my daughter's birthday parties or else she's not going to come. You know, she just, she just is very stressful and isn't able to take accountability for her actions. her part in kind of the whole picture. So you want to cut her off because of that? And I have no relationship. I mean, it's just causing so much chaos and stress. Like I've tried to have a conversation with her so many times. And I'm like, Mom, listen, I understand where you're coming from,

but I need you to hear what I'm saying. And she genuinely is so mind-blocked. She can't see anything past what her own reality is. It's just stressful to be around her. And it takes a toll on my mental health and my relationship with her. my husband. Why do you need your mom to agree or see your side? Because I don't feel like she will change or respect us if she doesn't. She's probably not going to change at this point. She's how old? Like 60 something. Yeah. And I get that. And I think that's the hardest part is like I don't want to be like, okay, things will get better if she changes because I understand I cannot control if somebody else changes. and I need to be willing to adjust my situation and figure out what's best for me.

It just has seemed like the only other option. What does your husband stand with in terms of this? Yeah, he can't stand it. Yeah, no, for sure. I'm just saying, but is he just like, is he like, I cut your mom off? How much energy does your husband spend trying to get on the same page with your mom versus you? He doesn't spend as much energy getting on the same page with her because they just don't really cross past like day to day. or like week to week as much as we do.

But in terms of like conversations we have, he's like, yeah, really like the best option is like I don't, not to have her involved in our life. Well, sure. I mean, like most, most in-laws are like, you know what? You know, if you're lucky to be like, you know, but it's like, yeah, they're here because they're your mom or dad. You know, in terms of cutting your parents off,

that's a pretty big decision, you know, and one that, you know, I think sometimes in extreme situations, is necessary. This doesn't sound like an extreme situation. This sounds like a really an annoying situation and frustrating situation. You know, just like cutting a parent off is a huge decision that can have long-term ramifications

of just like, you know, it can lead to regrets and things like that. I think one thing just from what I'm hearing from you that I feel like maybe you're not appreciating is that you are the parent. You are in charge. And you do not need anyone, including your mom, to agree with you. And you don't need to see her.

She doesn't need to understand her point of view. You don't need to explain yourself. You know what I'm saying? And I think because she's your mom, and it makes a lot of sense that you get roped in to these debates with your mom. She gets you to try to like, you know, get you to explain your side and you want to see her side. And it's become more of a, yeah, trying to. to change your mom rather than just being like, honestly, you know what, I don't get, you know, you're not the, you know.

Yeah, I think that's something that I try. Sometimes I'm just like, let me just pick and choose my battles. Like let her do what she wants with the baby. So I don't have to just like, I don't, some things I don't care enough about. But it's like the things when we're, if we're asking her to do something and she is actively going against that and doing something else, that's when it's like, well, why she has no respect for me like why i don't think you should pick your battles when it comes to the boundaries you've set as parents that you expect all people i mean you know even the kissing

you know like listen i mean if grandma does it i don't think it needs to be like you know um you can you still you can just you can continue to be like i would appreciate you don't do that for example like shows that we let river watch and there have been instances where um we've communicated our expectations and those expectations weren't always listened to by grandma, and that was annoying. And so, like, do you have a conversation about that? And it's like, just next time, can you just be more mindful or you just let it be? No, yeah. We don't let that go.

You know, but my point is, is we don't, like, we stop at trying to explain why we feel the way we do. Right? Not, it's just more like, I don't, because, because we're the parents, because this is what we want. I don't, we don't feel the need to explain. it. I also, I'm, it's always been a strength of mine to be like to not, to not need to explain myself when I don't feel like I need to explain myself. I mean, there's a downside of that too in other aspects of relationships. But in certain situations, it's really helpful to me. Even with my parents, it's like, I'm not, I'm not seeking their approval. I don't need to agree,

them to agree with me. I don't, you know, and I don't need to tell you why. And you can, you can disagree with me. You can say I'm doing it wrong. I don't care. you know, it's my kid. These are our rules. And you can do it or you not do it. And if you don't do it, it will certainly cause us to maybe limit your access. And I think limiting her access and, you know,

just being like, well, if you're not going to do it, then like, you know, you can't help. I think there's a difference between limiting access and going so far to be like, never call us again. You're out of our lives and ghost your mom. I just, I feel like I, I don't need to explain myself to her, but she's asking me like, why she's, she's asking me to explain myself. And when I simplify it, she's like, well,

I don't like how that is. And I'm like, well, that's the way it is. And then she's like, well, what are we going to do about it? And I'm like, well, there's nothing to do about it. Yeah, you're like, I don't, I don't, I don't need to change when it comes to how we want to parent our daughter. And again, mom, I love you. I love that you want to be. a grandmother to our daughter, but like you're not a co-parent. And as the grandparent, you know, I'm grateful that me and our, you know, my partner in a situation where like, you know, like, you know, there are some families that like grandma needs to take over and, you know, you know, the parents aren't stepping up. That's not your situation, right? There's nothing,

that's the thing. You, your, your mom gets you to fall into these traps of making you feel like she's part of the team. And that gets you frustrated. But you fall into that trap of, of like, of feeling like you need to, you know, you need to get her on this. She doesn't need to be on the same page. And when she's like, what are we going to do about? You're just like, what do you mean we're going to do about?

Either mom, either you're going to listen to how we want to raise our kids or you're, you know, or we're going to like limit your access. And you can think we're cruel and you can think we're mean, but like we want to raise our kid in our way. And we need you to respect those boundaries. And you don't have to like it, Mom. You just need to respect it. You know, and if you're not going to,

that, you know, we're going to pull back. And you can be mad at me, Mom, and you can say what you want. But like, at the end of the day, it's really important for us to raise our children and how, it's important for me to be a team with my husband. And that is my biggest priority. We're not asking for your opinion. When we do ask for your opinion, please give it.

But when we don't, we don't care what your opinion is, you know? Yeah. And your mom's going to act like a victim if you say things, you know. But you, again, you have the ability, especially when it comes to your kid to not, you know, to really be like the only person I care, you know, the only priority is my children and my partner and making sure me and my partner on the same page and we are a united front and no one else gets to say shit about shit. And we don't have to explain ourselves to anyone.

you know, we don't need anyone to agree with us. And you can flex that muscle and you're not, you're not flexing that muscle, so to speak. You're, you know, she's like, she's saying things, well, what are we going to do about it? And then you're like, well, then I have to get my mom to see my side. And then she probably just exhaust the fuck out of you. Yeah. And you don't need to get your mom to see your side. You don't.

You can just tell her no. That's fair. I do feel like we have distanced ourselves from her. her though like she barely comes once a week and now sometimes when she comes like we don't even talk to her she just takes care of the baby and she leaves and there's just like a lot of tensions like i just i don't really know how to handle well again there's also a difference between a timeout and a break and some distance and and cutting mom off you know yeah um yeah everyone needs a break you know maybe that's okay but i just think there's it's it's another thing to make a conscious

decision to be like, I'm going to cut my mom off. I'm going to have no relationship with her. And in five years, I won't, you know, she might pass away and I'm going to get a random phone call. Like, you don't want that. You don't, you don't, you know, you don't know. I know it's, I know it's harsh. And for some context, my sister actually cut her out. And that was really hard for me to like, accept, like, how could you do that to mom? Like, we're all that she really has. I might have not just explained it well. It's just kind of been a compilation of things like for the for the last like 10 plus years that she's just hard, she's just hard to deal with.

She could potentially be bipolar. She is very high stress. She's very emotionally intense. She's very like emotionally immature. And she's just, she's just hard to get along with. She's just, and it's just.

Yeah, I can only imagine. Have you, have you talked to a therapist about how to deal with people like her? Yeah. I've been in and out of therapy for quite a few years. And it's, you know, it's been kind of a while since, you know, it's been like since before my baby that I've talked to a therapist about it. But it more just kind of came down to how what,

what can I do that's like best for me and my mental health. And it's kind of seemed like that kind of like distance or just like not having her as much a part of our lives is the answer. But then I also have a lot of guilt that comes with that. Like if I'm like trying not to talk to her and like she's like texting me. I like I kind of feel I start to just like feel bad. Well that's the thing I think that maybe like a good therapist can help you out with because again this this is like a needle you need to thread and I understand that you know and it sounds like you just if you can find the tools to be able to just you know recognize when mom's acting out having an episode if it's you know a bipolar thing or whatever or your mom's being insufferable

to be able to just let her be insufferable and create that. that distance that needs to be created. I would just hate for you to make that conscious decision to cut mom out and then life to go on. And then at some point, mom won't be here. And that will be something you will then have to live with and deal with and process and it will affect your mental health and yada, yada. I would much rather have you find the tools to deal with someone like your mom.

and most of which is to figure out how to not make it your problem every time and to disconnect, you know, without the guilt. You know, because I'm sure this is a, this is years of programming that your mom's been able to make you feel a certain way when she's able to make herself the center of attention. It's exhausting, I'm sure, no doubt. And you probably like, you know, it gets to you, you know, and she has a way of getting to you. and finding that way of disconnecting from mom. And, you know, when she calls you up and like, you need to do X, Y, and Z, you have a right to say no, you know, and not feel bad about it.

If right now all mom is is a babysitter with tension, maybe you just put a pause on that. And you can say things like, you know, mom, this is how we feel right now. You can speak your side of things. You know, there's a difference between telling your mom how you feel and just letting it, letting her sit with it, she doesn't need to agree with it.

And you can say, well, you know, listen, you can, this is how I feel. You don't have to agree with it, but this is how it is. I just think there's a middle ground here. And a lot of it is not allowing your mom to trigger you in a way that makes you spiral.

And feel a certain way, feel bad, feel guilt, feel like you're doing something wrong and really lean into me and my husband are the parent of this child. It is our way. It is our decision.

and we feel good about the decisions we're making. We don't need anyone else to agree or disagree, and including our grandparents. Some things, you know, the kissing on the mouth, maybe you let it, Nallie was the same way, you know? It's like, it was, I think, something that she was like, I don't want anyone else kissing or raise on the mouth.

And I'm sure her mom has done that. Yeah, it's like, it's really like, it's not that big of a deal. And I know it comes from like a good place. Then on the other side, it's like, well, it doesn't matter what the situation is if we're asking of you. Like, I don't know. My husband's parents are like very much on the opposite side. Like they wouldn't dare to like that my mother-in-law was holding the baby with like her phone.

And we were like, we really limit screen time like not to like show the baby the phone. And she was like, oh my gosh, that will never happen again. Like I'm so sorry. And if I did that to my mom, my mom would be like seriously like I am just showing her a video of herself. Like, why? Yeah. It's just exhausting that like, you know, we both of us feel like we're questioning or monitoring each other. And she just doesn't accept the fact that it's our decision and that's what it is. To be fair, she is great with the baby.

Like she'll bring her own toys. She's very, she's a master's in education. So she's very like interactive and doing like sensory activities. And like she's great with the baby and the baby loves her. But in terms of helpful, she's never. well, it is, but it serves her. Like she's helpful in a way that serves my mom. So like she'll be like, I want to take the baby for a day to give you time, but I want to do

this, this and this with the baby. Like she wants because it's what makes her happy. But is it helpful? Regardless of what your mom gets out of it. Yeah. But when it comes with like the stress of having her around, it's not usually helpful. I'd rather just take care of the baby and not be stressed. But like when the baby was a newborn, she needs.

never offered to pick up groceries. She never helped to clean the house. She never, like, did any of that. Like, we've been taking care of baby primarily on her own since day one. So, yeah, she's great with the baby. And she, the baby loves being around her. But then I have to deal with the mental stress of, like, just having my mom around and that energy. And I have to cater to my mom. My mom is like, I want you to be making me lunches while I'm here. Like, it's disrespectful that I'm not, like, I don't get food. Like, I don't. Like, you guys make for yourself. I have to like pick up after her. She's like yelling at me from outside. Can you get the baby a cup of water? Like I have to clean up after the baby. Like she pretty much comes

plays. I feed the baby. I have to clean up everything. She takes her and goes outside and then she leaves with like kind of the mess. Like she really just comes to spend time with her granddaughter because that's what she wants. She doesn't come because she wants to be helpful to us. You know, I do try to see, like, and I say to my husband, like, I'm just, I'm glad that like my baby's so comfortable with her and that they play together and she, she is really good. And I do try to see that. And I also try to see the side of like, I don't think that she's like mentally stable to understand what like this is kind of doing to my husband and I like, like emotional wise. I think you should stop trying to see her side. I think you should stop trying to see her side.

I think the part where she gets you to try to see her side is the thing that's driving you nuts. And I think on some level, there are things you can do, again, because like this is just like, it comes down to, you got a lot of shit with your mom and some baggage and some, probably like a lifetime of, of that's brought you to this. It sounds like your, your, your, your mom probably has some more positive effects than you're willing to appreciate. I understand why. but if you can get to like because your mom's not going to change right and maybe she has a mental health problem and she's in her 60s and she's just like this is who this woman is and it but it is your mom and you only have one um and if you can get to a place where you can just stop letting your mom get under your skin stop thinking about what her motives are and if she you know if she's only doing it for her and not just who gives a fuck about that if you don't want to make her sandwich you just like, I'm not making sandwiches. I'm like, you know, and just like, stop, stop trying to convince her that she's wrong.

Stop trying to get her to see your side. Enforce your boundaries that you will enforce unapologetically, which might require, you know, some pushback from her, but stop short of, again, having to explain why. There's no why. There's no, what are we going to do about it? There's just like, I'm, um, you either don't do it or honestly leave. You know, like, listen, if you don't want to do it, But you want to play with our kid, you know, then this is what you need to do.

If you're not, then you can't. So then how do I retaliate when she's like, fine, I'll leave? And then she sends me like a three-page email saying that that was a hurtful situation that I asked her to leave. I mean, I wouldn't even, three pages. I can't read three pages. I don't reply. And I don't even read.

I have my husband read. I'm like, give me the Spark Notes version. If there's any like kind of emergency in there, a lot of times I don't even reply. No, 100% of the times I do not reply. And when you say retaliate, why do you need to read it? I'm just curious why I use the word retaliate. How do I hand? I think I just meant like, how do I handle when she, when I say, yeah, respond.

I think it's interesting that you said the word of retaliate. Did I say retaliate? Are we sure? I need to play back that clip. Yeah. A little Freudian slip. She gets under your skin. I imagine why you want her retaliation.

Yeah, for sure. But that's, I think that's your issue. And if you can try to tackle that to like, not let this woman get under your skin and unpack with a therapist your trauma from your mom. And the way this woman has frustrated you probably for a lifetime, right? And find the tools to like honestly not give a fuck and let your mom give her the grace she needs. Again, there's a difference between grace and getting her to agree with you, understanding her, you don't need to understand her side.

you know, you're just trying to coexist with this woman who's your mom and you recognize that you only have one and you're not trying to live with regret. But like, you also don't want to, the reason for your call is to have to suffer for it the whole time. You can't control her, but you can control what, you know, like stop making your husband read it. He wants to read it. He's like, he thinks it's laughable. So he likes the drama. So then it's like, and the stuff she says. Okay. But I don't think that's doing you guys any good in the long run. Because like here's it, you know, she writes this long letter, right? Letter and it's got a bunch of like grievances.

Well, you do this and I do that. And then you guys can like, you read it together. Oh, let's you see how all crazy this is. You know, like, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it's just like you're, you're wasting all this energy. Where is that getting you? Other than other than other you riled up. So riled up.

You know, like you don't need like at this point. And I think that's maybe, you know, we're like, again, I'm sure there's like a lot of parent-child dynamics going on here. But like, and I empathize what. but you need to learn how to not let your mom trigger you so much. Because she's not going to change. And I'm guessing there are things you can do or not do, more importantly, to allow you not to be so activated by your mom.

So that when she acts out, you can just disconnect. You can recognize what's going on and just, you know, take a break. Yeah. You know, just like, I'm sure you've had girlfriends or friends in your life that you're just like, you realize we're also kind of and sufferable and pain in the ass. And it was probably easier for you to be like, you know, man, I just don't talk to him for a couple months.

And you probably felt less guilt about it. Yeah, I feel like it's just more complicated with my mom because she just is a constant, like, bombarding me to like, you know. She's good at getting you on your skin and she's good at getting you to give in. Again, like boundaries are like you enforce the boundaries. And if someone doesn't respect your boundary, then it's up to you to, you know, do something about it. It's not always about convincing him to understand why the boundary exists.

Yeah, that's fair. This is just me personally. It could be wrong. But, like, I think cutting a parent off can do more damage than good. But some people have no choice because their safety is in question. You're tired of losing arguments to your mom probably. You're probably tired of, you know, now you're an adult and you have agency, you have your own kid.

And you haven't probably learned the tools to just let mom... throw her temper tension without you. I think you have to learn the tools to disconnect with your mom and not let it get under your skin. And that's the thing you're having a hard time with. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. So it feels like the only way to do that is to cut her off. And again, I think a break might be like, you know,

have a break. Take some time away. You know, but you can say no to your mom guilt-free. And I think learning how to do that will go a long way. I know. Well, I need a part two on. me how the heck to do that because it's just it's my own thing and it's and it's not just with my mom it's with obviously in in any a lot of aspects of my life just who I am as a person yeah and there's

always that right like the apple doesn't too fall from the tree you know type of thing you know like this could be an opportunity for you early in your you have a daughter yeah in your daughter's life to make sure that like you nip whatever thing you inherited from your mom that you don't even realize in the bud so to speak yeah For sure. And like, you know, don't try to try. This is an opportunity not to pass down those kind of generational trauma, so to speak. And you learning the tools to just regulate and learn how to deal with your mom in a more productive way, I think would go a long way.

Yeah. And I don't know how much I can help you out with. I think I'm better at recognizing the problem than, you know, I think maybe an actual expert. Yeah, might be better at this. But I think a lot of it is just like, again, just giving yourself permission. It's reminding yourself, we're the parents, we don't need to justify to anyone, you know. We're making good decisions. We are a team and it stops there.

And when someone, you know, and just never feel the need to explain yourself. Honestly, like step one, I can give you a tip. Stop reading those letters. Have him stop having read it to you. He's egging you on. Your husband needs to help you. out with just saying, you know, babe, honestly, I know. It doesn't matter.

He does. Who cares? We're doing great as parents. Yes, that's annoying. Let's just ignore her. That's what you need her to help with. Not to be like, do you see what she fucking wrote? How fucking crazy is that?

I agree. I need to get him on here so he could hear you say that. That is not helpful. And it just makes a bad situation worse. This woman, your mom, is good. at she's like an energy vampire. She's an energy sucker. She is so good at making everything about her and you're tired of it.

And you don't know how to say no. You don't know how to say, not my fucking problem, guilt free. Go deal with your shit, mom. It's not my problem. And I would love for you to learn how to do that so that you can have some kind of relationship with mom, even if it's seeing her less. But like so that, like, you know, like there's something there that doesn't go so far to completely cut her off.

because I think I think the long-term consequences of that are are potentially profound and and you might not be able to take back. Yeah, that's fair. And I hear you on that. Was this helpful? Did we accomplish what we wanted to accomplish? I appreciate your time. Yeah.

It's helpful to hear just kind of another perspective and just kind of to take a step back and not feel the need to explain myself and just hold my boundaries and let it be, have her take it or leave it. Just enjoy this time as a parent and enjoy focus on the connection with your husband and being a team with him. And if nothing else, allow that you guys to be more united. But like whether it's your mom or someone else, like it's like that's their opinion and it's not your problem. That's helpful. And you have every right to say whatever. Thank you.

All right. Talk to you later. Yeah. All right. Thank you. All right. Have a good. Bye.

How's it going? It's good. Good. What's your name? Brittany. I'm 39. How can I help, Brittany? I just recently started dating again after a divorce, and I found somebody really fast, and it's

scaring me because it's, like, really fast and, like, really furious. So you found him quickly post-divorce, and it's moving quickly, too? I didn't find him quickly after divorce. Like, I always take time. I take a long time after, like, relationships to kind of, like, get it together. So it's moving quickly. Yes. Like I got on dating apps and it just like, I thought that it was going to be horrible and like I would never find somebody.

I was just very quick. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Well, that's a bad thing? It's not a bad thing. I just wasn't quite like ready for that. I got on it because I was like, oh.

What do you mean? Not ready. Like you're kind of hoping to have some casual sex and some freedom. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like it's been, it was a long time. I was like, you know, I hear that's what you do out here.

Like you find people and you're kind of like, yeah, I was just looking for something like. Is this what you want? I mean, like, I thought I did. I thought that's what I wanted. But then I was like, oh. You're not sure if you like him that much. No, I like him a lot. So what's the problem?

I, okay, so I was looking for something casual and now I found something that I think is like for real. Okay. And it's just like... Is that what you want relationship-wise? I think that's hard for me, too. So when you got divorced... Yeah. And in the moment, like when you...

Before you met new guy, what were in... What was your mindset about what, like, what you were looking for relationship-wise? Like, what was your mindset leaving that relationship? Um, like, post-divorce, I didn't think of, like, relationships, like, at all. Like, I just, like, my whole thing was, like,

I wanted to get back, like, stable. I wanted to get my own house, which I did, and I love it. And so, like, now I have, like, a really nice situation. Like, I feel really stable. Like, I have a house I always wanted. So getting a divorce, your personal goal was to find stability in your life, and you found that. Yes.

Great. Love that for yourself. Yeah. Okay. But then when you started getting on the app, in dating, what were your goals? My goals were just to see like if I even wanted any of that anymore,

like just anything. Okay. And then you found someone and you'd sound like you wanted some, you did? Yeah. And that's what scares me a lot. What's scary about it? I'm scared that it'll take away

like my really nice, peaceful base. Have there been moments or situations that made you feel like it would get in the way? Like, has he expressed like, expectations of that he wants in this relationship or you're like oh that doesn't fuck with what I want for myself or is it just an abstract fear it's an abstract fear like I have been really like intentional to like listen and watch out for red flags and things like that this time around okay how long you've been dating for like a month a month okay yeah okay yeah so maybe I just take a breath

yeah that's what's making it scary well it's only been a month than like you in two months you might learn that like you he might give you the ick and you might be out and you might be like ah yeah not for me uh or or you can keep getting to know each other and he can keep showing up in ways that you're like you really like this guy i think it's also important in this stage to talk about what you're now that you are in this relationship whatever this relationship whatever the label is you being a 39 year old person you know you're not 21 anymore someone who's come out of divorce, it would make a lot of sense for you to just, you know, talk about what you, what your

relationship goals are. Do you have kids? Does he have kids? What's, what's your dynamic look like? Yeah, he has kids. He's one. I don't have any. Okay. And you don't want kids, you do want kids, don't want kids? We're, I thought that that, like, point was, like, gone for me. Okay. You know, like, I just thought, you know, I'm 39. It kind of comes to a point where you're like, well, you neither need to or you're not going to. Sure. Essentially. Yeah.

So I don't know. He's talked about like the fact that like if I wanted to have a kid, we could. And then like that's also like that's really early to talk about that stuff. But not necessarily. Not necessarily. I don't think it's too early a month in a relationship with two adult people to just check in about like what some of your non-negotiables are. You know, you could have. easily entered in this relationship being like, listen, I know I'm 39, but I've always wanted to be a

mom. And it's a goal I haven't given up on. And I'm looking for someone who wants to try with me. It would be really important the first couple of dates to put that out there. You're let, you know, it doesn't sound like that's where you're at. You're more like, you know, it didn't happen. And I love my life. And if I'm, you know, like, I don't want to put words in your mouth, but it sounds like that's kind of where you're at. Yeah. But it would make sense for him to check in. And you can kind of give what I don't. I don't think that's too. heavy, you know, it sounds like the conversation went well, though, too, you know, like, where he was like, I'm amenable to that if you want to. Yeah. Without, without pressuring you.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, he was like, I think we have some time to like, and he tried to be like really gentle about it. He's like, I think you still have a little bit of time to like decide that if you want. Yeah. How'd that make you feel? I mean, good. But then it also felt like, I think the underlining problem I have with like all of it is that it's just going to it's going to change my entire life. And maybe in a great way. How so? But I've only ever had it happen where it's a bad way. Sure.

Well, that makes sense. But why does it have to change your entire life? What do you think you have to give up to date this man? I think that if it keeps going the way it does, it's going to have to be like I, you know, I have, we'll combine our lives, which is great in a lot of ways. But then it's like, do I have to get rid of my house? Do I have to combine all the things? Do I, you know, like those things are what is like really scaring me in the long run.

Okay. Those things can be worked out. And I think there's a difference between, for example, a month in, checking in terms of what your goals are, right? Kids being one of a big topic. So I don't think it's too soon to bring that up. I think it is too soon to worry about every decision you're going to have to make as a couple and get answers. But I don't think it's too soon for you to communicate to him. just kind of where you're at emotionally.

Like, have you talked about your divorce at all? Yes. And kind of talked about how it affected you. Have you talked about what you've accomplished as a single woman and how important that is to you? Yeah. And what that meant to you. And how did he respond?

He always, well, he said, like, when we actually had the conversation of, like, I don't know if I, you know, I want to keep my things and stuff like that. I don't know if I stated it correctly. But I was just like, hey, like my house. and my peace and like my sanctuary. It's kind of important to me. And he was like, well, you know, if it came down to it, like you could have a pre-up and we could have the things like that are yours and yours

and you stay yours. But I was like, that still doesn't, I didn't really like help in my head to be like, okay, well, that's like now that's talking about marriage. He was kind of getting more solution-oriented and thinking about that. I think it sounds like you just wanted him to hear you. Yeah. And I think it's more like, listen, it's not, it's less about the stuff and more about what this meant to you. And I think it would be okay for you to say, listen, I, I didn't expect to find someone like you this early.

I'm excited that I did. You've given me hope when it comes to my dating life because honestly I had the lowest of expectations. And it was kind of prepared to be single for a while and honestly was content with that. and post-divorce, it was really important for me to get things that were my own, and I've worked really hard, and I got this house, and it really made me feel good about myself, and I'm nervous about letting that go. And despite it being really great so far with you, it's only been a month, I really need to go at a slow pace here, and I hope that's okay.

Because, yeah, it's too early, probably, it's too early to talk about marriage and stuff like that. you guys could easily date for a couple years and you have your stuff and he has his and as you guys continue to date maybe you spend more nights together each other's places but like you can communicate that like you're not looking to play house or really talk about marriage right now that's too much for you to process but you really right now i just want to keep getting to know you and i keep i want to keep having fun with you. I want to keep, you know, having high quality moments with you and just have some fun, you know, just enjoy each other right now. I think outside of tackling some, like, what are your non-negotiables, you know, like if you were super religious and that was really

important for you, you'd want to bring that up. You know, it's just like in a couple, you know, at this point in your life, you're just like, hey, these are some things I'm not, I'm just, I'm steadfast. I want to have kids. I don't want to have kids. That's important. important to bring up. The how are we going to, you know, live our life, like figure out every decision you're going to make as a couple that you don't need to do right now. You don't need to do any time soon. Right now you can just, okay, great. We're on the same page kids, which is like, he's amenable to it if I change my mind and decide I want to do it. If I don't want to have kids, he has kids. That's not like a big priority for him. Neither of us are super

religious. We're not highly, you know, we're politically aligned if that's important to you. Great. Like there's no obvious red flags in terms of ways we're going to butt head in the future, right? We're not doing the thing where we both think each other are hot, are hot. We have a good time. He makes me laugh. But we haven't talked about the fact that, like, I don't respect his political beliefs. And there are a couple topics that if we do talk about it, we're going to realize how far apart we are. You know, so like, you don't want to, you know, does that make sense?

Where you're like, some people do that where they just enjoy. Yeah. They just have fun. They push the, they push the serious conversations aside. And then a year later, they're like, well, I guess we got to talk about it. And then you realize, holy shit, we are miles apart. Yeah. And I think it was a kind of unique situation too because, like, I met him and we hung out

for like a week. And then he like went home. So he like, he originally is from overseas. And so like he went home for like two and a half weeks. And I was like, maybe I'll hear from him. Maybe I won't. Like that was again, like we hung out for a couple days before he left. We were in constant contact.

So it was, it was really cool. I got to see like a lot of his hometown. Like he would FaceTime me. We would talk. Awesome. We had like all of these really intense conversations. So like all of the things that you would, you know, like just the deep stuff. Like it almost felt like I really, really got to know him over those two weeks,

even though like he was not here. That's awesome. And so like all that stuff felt really aligned. But then I think that to like escalated things pretty quickly because it was like, the continuous talking and the continuous conversations. It can escalate the excitement, but it doesn't have to escalate the pace, so to speak. And you guys can talk every day

because that's what too excited people who like each other do. You know, that doesn't mean he gets back from vacation, be like, all right, like I want to spend every night together. You can be like,

well, I'm not ready for that yet. Yeah. That's true. You can do that. You can make it clear that right now, like you're not looking to combine your life with anyone. Right now,

I just want to get to know you. My divorce was difficult. That relationship was hard. There's a lot of things I don't want to replicate. I just want to, I'm new to this dating thing. I want to take it slow. I'm so excited about this. And I want to continue to get to know you.

Like there's the, that's the thing. You're confusing getting to know this person with like feeling like they're like you, while you get to know him, you have to change your life. You don't have to change anything about your life anytime soon. And you can still get to know him. And you can still spend a lot of time with him. I mean, at some point he might be like, well, I want, I want more. and you can say, well, I'm not ready to do that.

And then might be, then you can address that problem then. Yeah, that's helpful to hear. Because, yeah, for some reason, like in my head, it's like, it's like thinking like, okay, well, if this continues to go, like everything has to change. But that's just me. It doesn't have, you know, no, you don't have to change anything. You know, you don't want to. And I think it's just really important.

You talk about why this is so important to you. And you may find that, like, as you get to know him, he gives you more and more green flags and doesn't make it, you know, make you feel like, you know, in your last marriage, it sounds like maybe you had less agency than you've wanted. Yeah, I mean, the last relationship I had, like, it really, it messed me up a lot. And the way it ended was like really, it was just a lot. So like the fact that I like took the time and it felt like I just lost everything to, you know, like I my first house I did have we bought together and I had to lose the house and you know like

I lost my marriage I lost the house I tragically really shattered my wrist and had to have surgery at the same time and my dog died so it was like it was like all those things compiled at once so like to break it down and to deal with it I like was in therapy instantly so that I could like work through the things and that crack up essentially. Like it was a lot. It was like all those, that feeling of loss and all that stuff that happened just in that compact amount of time.

I think when I feel like my life is changing or unsettled, it's kind of like those feelings kind of, you know. Yeah, that makes sense. I mean, the big, I mean, a big thing to how comfortable with him do you feel about opening up about this stuff? Because I think it would be really important, especially as you get to know him to be able to open up about, the stuff. I told him the situation of it. Like, you know, essentially what I just told you.

Like, you know, all that stuff happened. How did he respond? Um, he was like, well, that's tough. Did he make you feel like he understood? I don't know if I ever, like when I kind of present stuff to people, I always have like an air of like, oh, well, it happened and like I'm okay. No. Like I, like I, well, you can both be okay. You can both, you can be okay and you can have come along way and you can be also not there yet, so to speak. Yeah. You know, healing is like a, uh, almost, it's like a never ending journey. Yeah.

And you can say like, listen, I'm really proud of how I've healed from that divorce. I'm really a proud of what I have accomplished for myself post divorce. And I have an attachment to that, um, that I don't easily want to let go. And as we move in this relationship, go to know each other, I might start feeling a little bit differently. But right now, I just want to be upfront with you. I don't think I'm probably fully healed from this. And I don't.

And that's why I want to take things slow. Because I don't want, you know, stuff from my past relationship to bleed in this relationship. And hopefully you just hear from him like, no, I, that makes sense. I understand. And yeah, I really like you. And like, yeah, listen, I'm not in a rush, you know. I just want to keep getting to know you. If we do decide to get married someday, yeah, we'll have to start making, we'll make some decisions.

But we're a long way away from that. But right now, I just want to keep getting to know you. And also, by the way, I think it's really cool what you were able to accomplish by yourself. And that's part of the reason why I'm attracted to you and yada, yada, yada. And hopefully he says stuff like that. But like you have to be able to be vulnerable and be like, you know, I'm not, you know, I'm not there yet. And that's okay. I am more vulnerable this time around than like normal.

Like I have been able to express and open up and talk about that kind of stuff. But yeah, I always, I know that like healing. is a continuous thing. It's just when, I don't know, like, just starting the relationship again, just always, like, gets those little bits of feelings that I'm like, oh, yeah, those are the ones that I was working on. Those are the ones that I have to, like, what do you mean? I don't know. I just, like, the relationship stuff, whether it's, you know, as good as it is or not, I just think to myself, like, oh, okay, when is this going to, when is this going to, like, destroy my life? And I hate that I think that. I mean, that's, I mean, listen, you've been through a divorce. You understand how, how, how,

how fragile relationships are and how quickly they can change. Your relationship didn't start how it ended, you know. The person you divorced wasn't the person you married. You've learned that the hard way. And so, yeah, these are, you know, you have some scars. You also have a better awareness how to protect yourself. And you finding that balance between protecting yourself, but also still willing to be vulnerable, you know, and taking a risk, you know,

Like, listen, if you, there's no guarantees of this guy, you might get hurt again. You know, that's the choice, you know, that's a relationship, so to speak. It's being willing to take that risk. The good news is you've already survived it once and you did it. And it sounds like you crushed it fast and you thought you would. So knowing that you can survive it, I would lean on that. Yeah. Surviving.

It's fun. Yeah, but you're not giving yourself enough for credit. Yeah, I know. I know. It was hard. And I did. Yes. I survived it.

it was good. Are you proud of yourself? Yeah, I am. Okay, good. I am. I think you should recognize that a little bit more. I think you should just, uh, maybe once a day, just really acknowledge how far you've come from that divorce. And you're not there yet. You're not, you're not a finished product, but like, I crushed that. I just better than I thought I would. I still got a lot of is to go, but I did survive it and I'm better for it. I'm happier now than I was in that relationship and that's not something that everyone is able to say yeah that's true that's actually really nice to hear your perspective on you should you should tell yourself that more often yeah i mean i have really like i have really good friends around me and support and i was really afraid when i got a

house that i was going to be like oh like oh i got to do all the stuff now like especially the snow blowing out it's going to be rough and yet but uh you figured it out i figured it out yeah and i still have all my fingers. So that's, you know, that's a bonus too. There you go. I mean, listen, I think you should try to enjoy this new relationship. I think you should be comfortable with communicating your needs as often as possible. And that's different than playing house and planning a life together. Try your best to not worry about things that don't need to be addressed today. I can try. I try not to future trip and that's like, and I tell myself that too. I'm like, hey, this is just, this is just you talking about stuff.

This is just you guys getting to know each other. And it's like you don't need to future, the future will come when it comes. Yeah, it will. Yeah. Are you still in therapy? Yeah. Great. I would continue to talk with your therapist about this relationship and how it's progressing

and get some tips on when you're feeling a little like triggered or whatever. or uncomfortable, just, you know, check back in and, again, try to get out of your head. And usually, listen, like, usually when something comes up, something's happening in the relationship that's causing you to get triggered, you know, and maybe it's like, and you, and I guess it's like, you're feeling something and you're not finding the way to communicate it. And so then you're not communicating it, so then you're probably worried about what they're thinking, and then you start making assumptions of how they might, you know what I'm saying? Like, yeah.

And try to get better at recognizing that you're being triggered, talk to your therapy, about how you're feeling and then get the tools to communicate that with your partner in a way that you feel like you're being heard. Yeah. This is great. I'm really excited. I like this is going. I just want to make sure I'm taking things slow. And I needed somebody else's perspective because like in the amount of people that I've like told like my close friends and my family, I've told like six people. And like half of them are like, oh yeah, go all gung ho. And the other half are like, okay, just like slow it down. And I'm like, okay, well, that's like a 50-50 ratio. So I just need like somebody else to like yeah i mean i think i mean i don't know what going gung ho means i mean i think you should be

able to enjoy and embrace this exciting thing i think you do both you know you don't know this man that well it's only been a month you really like what you've seen so far a lot of a lot of green flags maybe the red flags haven't shut up some yet doesn't mean you need to like spiral and wonder what those red flags are they will show up if they come and yes you may date them for a year and then decide you don't want to be, or be with him anymore, or maybe he breaks your heart. You know, that's part of jumping into a relationship. And you survived one, you can survive it again.

You want, your goal, I would think, is to just make sure that however you lost yourself in that first marriage, and however you felt like you stopped able to communicate what you needed in a way that was received and try to identify how you communicated your past relationship and make sure that doesn't bleed in this new relationship is important. Yeah, and I had to work on, like, trusting my thoughts again, like, trusting my actual, like,

decision making again from the last time around. So, like, I would lean on, I would lean into the decisions you made for yourself outside of that relationship. Yeah. Again, like, give yourself some credit. How did you tackle those challenges as a single person? Yeah, I mean, I was able to, like, without anybody around, I'm able to, like, I don't really know how to explain it. Like, I don't use the word like gas lighting easily. And I know it's like a

really like word everybody uses for it. But like throughout the marriage, like eventually like I didn't, like my actual thoughts that I had, I didn't know if they were my thoughts anymore because of what I was being told. Sure. Or like how I was being treated. So like. Has he has, has, has your new guy done anything that made that, that triggered that feeling? No. No. No. Good. Good. Good. Yeah. Lots to start. But again, like, I think just checking with your therapist about what was that like when that was happening?

What did that look like, you know, and get better at kind of recognizing how you were feeling. So that, you know, if it comes up again, you can try to address it, be more confident. Yeah. You've made a lot of good decisions for yourself. And whatever you lost in yourself in that marriage, you've been able to reclaim as a single person. Yeah. and just keep reminding yourself that you've made a lot of great decisions for yourself so you know how to do that. And you still want to feel that in a relationship and you don't want to lose that agency.

So hopefully he contends you to validate you. If conflict comes in when you're not seeing eye to eye, that will be really important, you know, when that happens to like check in with your therapist so that you don't feel like, because he can disagree with you and he can not understand you. And that doesn't mean he's gaslighting you, you know, so to speak. Yeah. and just making sure that like when that happens you are you know because you might get triggered and you might you might make you feel a certain way without him in him realizing it and that's when you really want to like focus on on your communication but don't you know I think I think it's just really important to give yourself a lot of credit for what you've been able

to accomplish post-divorce because that's the new you the old you left that divorce and you've done so much work on yourself you've come such a long way and while you're not a finished product. This new you is more relevant than the old you. You might have left a lot of that person in the past with that person you left. That person might, you know, show up now and then, but that will be really important for you to, like, remind yourself, like, I, you know, I am so capable of more, right? I'm guessing you realize how much more you're capable of to take care of yourself and make decisions for yourself is a single woman than you felt in your marriage. yeah yeah yeah i mean yeah it's it's nice to have the things that i set my mind out to get and i got them so

yeah so lean in lean into that um that that's my advice i think you're doing a great job i think you need give yourself more credit and when it comes this guy just take it slow and keep communicating keep getting to know each other be vulnerable with him hopefully you know and some it's okay to say listen, I'm not, I don't want a problem. I just, I just want, I just want you to understand where I'm coming from. I'm not, you know, I have a bad habit of trying to solve problems that don't want to be solved yet. I'm not trying to even solve problems with you. I'm not trying to figure out where we're going to live with each other in a year. I just, I just want to let you know that like, I just want to, I really enjoy getting to know you. I want to take things slow and I love that we're

talking a lot and, and you have the right to slow things down and, and see how he responds. Because it sounds like in your past relationship, when that's, when that happened, that, you know, your ex didn't allow you to be a part of that. It was like a, he had a certain way of thinking and he wasn't open to hearing you out. Yeah, it was. I really didn't have a whole lot of say. Yeah. So that's really important in this new relationship to still feel like you have a say, right?

And that feeling, and that will be really important for you to check in with yourself as you get to know this guy. And as this relationship evolves, do you still feel like you have a say? does it feel like he hears you you know does he acknowledge your insecurities and concerns as opposed to telling you what to do yeah that's good cool that's a good way to check in yeah all right yeah is this helpful it was helpful yeah okay uh you're doing great you're uh you've done a lot thank pat yourself on the back remind yourself of how much you've crushed it um and you don't you don't you don't you don't have to lose that going into this relationship. You just have to check with yourself a little bit more. Stick with the therapy and practice communicating with him. Try things out and open up to

him and see how he responds. And if it doesn't go the way you want, you can leave that relationship and you already know you can survive it. Yes, I can. All right. All right. Well, thank you very much. All right. Good luck out there. Keep us posted. I will. All right, take care. All right, bye-bye. All right, bye-bye. How's it going? Good. What's your name? Brittany, and I am 42. How can I help, Brittany?

How do I move on with my husband after financial resentment? So you're still together? Yes. You want to move forward with him, not honest. I tried to, or just know when to throw the towel in. What happened? It started when my little sister embezzled from our company. Oh, my God.

And I kind of warned them, you know, a few times to go and check our accounts and get it dealt with because it had happened previously. Well, this is the second time your sister stole money from you? That is correct. And I had tried to go into the office and be more proactive with our company. And it just was not ever embraced. So I kind of took a set back because we have two kids. then as time went on, I started noticing our accounts being minimal again, even though there was money going in, told him, hey, I think this is happening again. He said, no, she wouldn't do it again. And then about a year and a half later, we're knee-deep in debt and financial crisis. And this is kind of a pattern of his that he makes big decisions and goes against what I

tell him, and then they have a huge impact on our family. Is your sister going to jail? Right now, she is in a facility, a mental facility. Okay. We did have to push press charges on her for insurance reasons. She took quite a bit of money, you know, were a small business, family-owned business, and so it had a huge impact. So that was, you know, a lot to deal with on top of the resentment that I have.

because I feel like it could have not have gotten this far. How do you listen to me? What does he say no? He doesn't say much. Why is he, why was he so willing to give her a second shot? It's, I don't know. I don't, I begged him for a long time to not have her on our accounts. And she somehow, I do feel like there's a missing puzzle piece that I'm not putting together of why she did have so much freedom with my money.

And why weren't you able to do something about it? I wasn't on any of the accounts. But she was? She was. Why? Why? I don't understand. I don't know.

And I think that's where my frustration is with him. Did you ask to be? Like, I did. And he said no? Yeah. He just, you know, kind of always put it off for a long time. And then I, after I dropped the kids off at school, I would go down to the office and sit and tell him like, I want to be more involved.

I want on the accounts. I want to oversee everything. It was never pursued on their end until finally after like five months of being down there, I was neglecting everything at home for no reason. So what's the situation now? Or do you have full control of your finances? No. We have another office lady who she's not on the accounts.

And we go over the bank statements. weekly, you know, and he's the only one that is on the accounts right now. Why hasn't that changed? I don't understand. I think that's where my frustration is. I don't know. I feel like I keep pushing and I will show up and be like, hey, let's go get me on the accounts or let me be more proactive in our company because now I'm starting to look for another job outside of our business because we need, I mean, financially we're ruined. Do you feel like he's hiding something from you? You know what?

That crosses my mind a lot, and I think that's where the frustration and the resentment, a lot of it comes from. You know, like what is in there that you don't want me to see? And I don't necessarily think there's anything that is want me to see as of now, because we do go over the financials. You know, like his bank statements to see kind of like what's ours and, you know, what's the shops. Have you, I mean, does he know where you're stand right now?

Like, I mean, does he know where you're at in the relationship? Yes, I've talked to him, but he acts like nothing's wrong. Like, he'll come up and still try to hug me or kiss me or try to, you know, cuddle at night because it's cold. And to be honest, he makes me physically ill at this point. Have you told him that? Not in those mean of words. I mean, it sounds like you have to have a come to Jesus moment with him and just say, I'm so confused. None of this makes sense to me.

I have tried multiple times. Well, A, I warned you about our sister, my sister. And for whatever reason, my own sister had more financial access to my own money than I have. Whatever the reason is, I've asked to be on it. And you've put this off constantly. And that it doesn't even add up. It makes me worried about, like, it puts thoughts into my head. And now I'm at the point where, quite frankly,

I don't trust you with our money, and I'm confused as to why you quite at this point are so resistant to putting me on it. It makes me feel like you're hiding something. It's affecting our marriage to the point where I'm not, you know, I do resent you. And we need to make some changes. And I need, I need some, I need clarity from you and I need transparency. And more importantly, I need to, you know, know. Like, are you telling me you can't go into the bank and get full access and visibility into your own finances without his permission? To our personal bank account, I can. But not to the business. But not to the business one. Like, if he were to pass away, I wouldn't have any resources to even tap into that money. It's not even, the business isn't even in your name. It's his business, so

Correct. Is that like he doesn't want to, you know, he's worried about, you know. You know, he has a controlling side. He wants to be like the man-le-man, you know, that makes, you know, all the decisions. And when it comes to the kids, that's my department and the house. And then when it comes to like the business and things like that, I don't have much of a say. Even though I've, you know, fought back, it just turns into a huge argument. He argues with you. He doesn't just dismiss you. Correct. Like he'll argue, and it depending on what it is. Like, this is a pattern of his of making big decisions that affect the whole family.

But you haven't had that come to Jesus moment with him fully? I have. It was, you know, especially when it first happened, there was huge conversations, and that's when I said, I want to go be a part of the business. And, you know, I went down there all the time again. And he was like, yeah, totally. I get where you're coming from. And then it just kind of like slowly faded away. You did a good job of communicating. And then he, I guess, heard you.

But at that point, are you like, what did you like, I'm making an appointment for us to go in and you put me on? You know what? I haven't gotten to that point yet because when I asked like, hey, what's your schedule like? Or, you know, if we go down today or tomorrow, you know, he always has some kind of like catastrophe that he's dealing with. It's almost like when I push the issue, he has like a, this guy is falling crisis.

I mean, listen, it sounds like you're at the verge of questioning your marriage and it makes a lot of sense. You're, quite frankly, like in an unsafe situation and there's been repeated patterns. He's giving you a reason not to trust, if nothing else, his decision-making skills. 100% and that's the part that's hard is because now I don't trust him with, you know, family decisions. So what do I, what do I do with you now? Does he know that you're on the verge of divorcing him? Yeah, we've talked about it, especially when, you know, he knows me looking for work is going to be the next step to get away from him because in the, I think maybe that's also why He feels like he doesn't want me part of the business because of financial

independency he doesn't want me to have. It's almost like a way to keep me with him rather than change his ways. Because I'm not looking to get out, but it's almost like he's leaving me no choice. Have you communicated that tone? Yes. And he's really good at receiving the information as I'm giving it to him. And then maybe two, three days later, he'll come in and kind of twist my words. Yeah, listen, I don't, I mean, this is obviously a, it sounds like a pretty serious

situation. And I think you, it sounds like you're just kind of at your wits end. I am. You know, this was just kind of like the icing on the cake, the straw that broke the camel's back. We moved from where we were living and moved like 40 minutes out of town, you know, with property and stuff for the kids. When we did, his parents sold their home where they lived and moved on our property. And I told them that is a terrible idea because they don't have the best of relationships. So now they live literally kind of in our backyard. That has created a lot of issues again between him and I because of his reaction to

his parents. He won't tell them. He takes it out on me. You know, you seem like you have a very like demure and gentle demeanor to you, which is lovely. You're kind of at your wit's end. And if, you know, you're on the verge of getting another job. But like, it's almost like you need to say, fuck it and really start taking care of yourself

and your kids. and just make him realize how serious you are about like this. We're at the breaking point of our relationship. Like, is this what you want? I don't know. I guess I hate to say you can get an issue like an ultimatum or a threat. But like, listen, I will, I don't want to do this, but I, you know, I'm more than capable of getting a job.

It's going to suck. But I will, like, I'll take it. I will, I'm a survivor and just kind of get mad and get angry and just stop, stop asking for his permission and start making more consistent demands and follow through with those demands. or else, I guess. Yeah. I mean, honestly, that is a very true statement that you just said is stop asking permission

and demanding. I don't want to say it scares me, but it does make me nervous when I start doing that with him because what if I can't follow through? What do you mean? After I make all these demands and say I want to be a part of the business and then, you know, then I fall through. What do you mean? How would you fall through?

To put it into words like, what if then? And I fail as far as being able to keep the business foot. Or maybe I start making the bad decisions. Well, you guys need to be a team. And like neither of you are perfect. He either wants to be a teammate or he doesn't. Right now he's not a very good teammate. You don't have to be perfect.

What you want is to help him protect the family more, you know, he should want your help. Right now, it sounds like you're just, you don't have a lot of agency. He doesn't want to give you up any control. and as a result, you're just I'm sitting there kind of in a state of fear

and the unknown. This isn't sustainable. Like, obviously, you know, it's like, you don't want to get divorced and break up your family, but he's kind of giving you no, this isn't sustainable. It's not.

Yeah. You know, this is definitely, like you said, I'm at my wit's end. So I guess I would say anything is better than this. And, you know, you get a job, you know, like there will be bumps in the road.

and you might make some mistakes and fall in your face, but like, at least you'll be in control of your own destiny, so to speak. And at least, you know, right now, you're trying to make decisions. There are probably some pretty good decisions. He's being resistant to your help. The mistakes are happening and you're just,

you have to deal with the consequences of all the decisions, but you're not able to be a part of the solution. 100%. So, you know, like start making, start demanding to be a part of this decision. one way or the other. Now, he can say no and he can keep doing what he's doing, but at that point, you might have to say, well, then I'm out. You know, you're leaving me no choice. I am no longer

willing to sit here and have my life in financial session being dictated around me or feel like I have no agency. And I want a teammate, and you don't want to be a teammate. You can't appease me by just agreeing with me only to not do anything about it. I'm sick of that, you know, I don't want to do that anymore. And if you're not actually going to include me in our life, um, and help me help you. Because also like I want to feel like I'm a part of this and I want to feel like, you know, and you don't want to give me that, then I have no other choice. I really like that wording. Yeah. And if he, you know, if each, well, you can't do it, you know, if he, if he, if he does things that makes you feel bad about yourself, that's not, you know, then that's more,

that's more reason to leave. Yes. Because that's the things I feel like I'm constantly is sitting duck and his decision making and have all the consequences. And I told him, like, the decisions and the consequences that, you know, you go against me on what I tell you not to do, at least if they were together, I would have a partner and like, well, yeah, we made that decision together and, you know, it didn't work. But here, it's like I'm just constantly living in his consequences from his choices. I think you should start getting mad. You know, and that's the thing is I do. And then I feel like my, with my personality is I say what I have to say.

You receive it and then we'll move on and let's, you know, I won't hold much against somebody once they say, sorry, I won't do it again. Well, he's good at apologizing without doing anything about it. And you need to communicate like, this is like, that's no longer good enough for me. And you need to like, I guess, challenge your, you know, when he apologizes to be like, well, that's, okay, I'm good, whatever. I don't, I need action, not words. That's a good wordy.

because I can be really good with words sometimes except for when I get really emotional. And then it's kind of like a word vomit because I just have to get it out and get it said. And then I'll see his reaction. And sometimes he'll take it really well. And sometimes he, like I said, we'll take it well. And then three days later kind of come back with a different story of what was talked about. Do you guys have a pre-nub? No.

We didn't really have much when we were, you know, when we got married. If you, I guess my point is if you do divorce them, uh, you get half probably. Yeah, but half nothing right now. Well, either way. Like, you know. Yeah. I mean, I would get off, you know, get half. I mean, we have a lot of equipment and some equity in the things that we have. I just think you need to follow through on your frustrations and start like being, you know, because right now he's used to you expressing your frustrations and he's good at saying what he needs to say to get you off his. back and I think that's the part you need to change, which is to not let up and to insist on it's happening today. I don't care what's going on. And if he like finds a way to not show up,

then you have to take that as he's not, he's not willing to do what it needs to be to, you know, and eventually he does not get to a point where like you're, you're giving me no choice. Like, are we actually, are we getting divorced? Because at this point, if you don't make changes and if you don't take me seriously, if you don't include me in this marriage, if you're, not a better teammate, I need to leave. I don't want to leave, but I will, and I will survive it, and I'll get a job. And if that's what I have to do, that's what I'll have to do. I mean, you are right. I mean, I guess as much as he's giving me empty promises, I'm giving them empty threats. Yeah, that's, that's, yeah. Yeah, so I guess it's time to stand my ground and

put the ball in his court. No, nope, the ball is in his court. You need to take the ball. It's, ball's in your court and you need to start showing up that way. We can bring that energy. Stop waiting for his permission, take charge, be, be, just insist. And to the point where you, when you don't want to insist anymore, then then it's time to get out. You've been waiting too long for him to make the decisions you want to make. He's not willing to do that. So you need to start making it happen. And if he is so resistant to letting you take charge, then you have your, then you have your decision. Yeah. You're right. it's maybe I've been hesitant because I do know what's coming.

Well, that sucks. I mean, obviously scary and easier for me to, easy for me to say, oh, you should do this. And then obviously you have to deal with that. But it sounds like this is a miserable situation and you're living in a constant state of fear and helplessness. And it does feel like, well, divorce and all that is horrible and messy and yada, yada, yada that what you might gain is some independence and some taking control of your life and at least

you'll be able to like feel like i'm a i can make decisions for myself because right now people are making decisions for me and i'm getting fucked we don't want to keep that going so it's i would focus on that and let the chips swallow where they may i recognize that those chips may fall in a way that's going to make in the short run, things kind of difficult. Obviously, that's having to deal with that would be difficult. But like right now, this is a terrible situation and this isn't sustainable. You do not want this situation any longer and you're not willing to accept it any longer. And anything is better than this.

Yes. I mean, anything is better than this right now. And you need to say that to him. And I'm no longer willing to accept apology. and empty promises, and I'm demanding change. And if you don't change, I'm going to start making some changes. And you need to follow through with those changes. And you need to start taking action in your life and get mad, you know,

and you have the right to be mad. You've been way too patient when, you know, the fact that your sister stole money and he didn't immediately remove her is crazy. And it suggests that maybe he's doing some shit, that he's not, I don't know. I hate to say that, but like, it just sounds like he's hiding something from you because like it doesn't make sense why he's doing what he's doing. No, it makes zero sense. I feel like I don't have the whole story. Like there's a piece of this puzzle that I'm missing that when I find it, it'll be like a, ah, now, now it all makes

sense. Yeah. I would trust your gut. And I have that gut feeling. Because you're right. I don't know what the answer is. And it may, it might be horrible. It might maybe they, maybe they're in cahoots. I don't fucking know. Who knows? And maybe it's not that bad, but it's something. It's something. Yes. And every time I've kind of said that to somebody, they're like, no, there wouldn't be

anything. He's such a great guy. And he would never do something like that. But it's like. Why is he being so? Again, like, you just have to insist. You just have to like, then do something about it or I'm out. Like you're giving me no, he's giving you no choice.

You're asking for reasonable things. He is not being reasonable. And there's a reason why. Yes. Outside of him being, you know, a trad husband or something where he's just like, you know, but yes, I want, you get mad, take charge your life. Stop, stop with the empty threats. He is just used to appeasing you.

And I let him. Yeah, don't let him anymore. Your goal is to be like, I'm going to show him a new me. And it's, and this is going to be, he's going to want to marry, he's going to want to stay married to this new me or he's not. Yeah, because I'm ready for it. You know, I'm ready for the new me. Yeah.

you sound ready, you sound fed up, you're like you, you know, you're, you're, you're ready to take charge. So go, go take charge of your life. And in the meantime, you know, again, if divorce is in your future, you know, maybe see a lawyer, protect yourself, talk to, you know, your, who's your people, your resources, your family, get your support system, don't make rational decisions, don't let them trigger you, make sure you're making like good decisions, get ahead of things while you're working on your marriage. Is this helpful? It is. It was a confirmation that I needed in a lot of ways. Okay. Well, check in with us. I'd love to keep posted and see how things progress.

Yes, wish me luck. All right. You got this. You got this. All right. All right. That was good. Thank you so much. You too. Bye-bye.