The Viall Files - E129 Ask Nick - The Biggest Liar

Episode Date: May 18, 2020

On today's Ask Nick, Nick dives into how often we lie to ourselves to protect our egos. Nick speaks with someone who keeps going back to her comfort zone hookup even though she "knows" it won't work, someone whose exciting world-traveling long-distance relationship has ended in a sudden long-distance breakup, someone whose new quarantine crush seems to be fizzling, and someone looking for tips on navigating quarantine online dating.  Learn to tell yourself, "I gotta stop doing that!" ...and then actually do it.  Send your sex and dating questions to [e-mail]. THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS: LUMIN: luminskin.com/viall THERAGUN: theragun.com/viall HIDRATE SPARK: hidratespark.com/viall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what's going on everybody welcome to another episode of the vile files i'm your host nick joined my my producer rochelle how you doing rochelle good that was so crazy what you saw last night uh yeah what's it called the bio something It was basically those glow in the dark plankton, basically. It's funny because I live in Venice and I was hearing reports about how it's like up the coast of L.A. and people are going to Manhattan Beach or Huntington Beach or whatever. And I'm thinking, oh, maybe I'll take the drive down there. And then I just like walked outside and there it was i was like sometimes i forget it was it really late it was just no like 9 30 at night so cool uh and it's really cool like the water just glows it uh it's

pretty neat and it was pretty consistent and i got a a couple of neat pics. That's very romantic. Yeah, I did not. It was just, I actually went with a couple friends, two guys, you know, two, well, it's a couple. They're a couple. And I was just by myself, you know? Yeah. So, but no, it was still very cool to see. Have you watched um normal people i have not but i heard a lot about it i'm obsessed uh what uh it's on hulu what's but

basically it's like it's like a problem because i have a habit of just getting into that romantic mindset where i'm like oh that for my first love, I'll never... He's the one. You know what I mean? Sure. And this just kind of cements that idea where you start thinking... And then you're in quarantine, so you start thinking about them and you're like, ah. Totally. I mean, it sounds like it's very relatable to some of our callers today in terms of our ability to obsess over people from our lives, people that we have fond memories over, people that we, there's reasons why we miss them

and there's reasons why we loved them. There's reasons why they're hard to get over. But our ability to get over someone, I firmly believe is 100% in our court, so to speak. And we either choose to get over them or we choose to still think about them. And I say this as someone who's really good at not letting things go. Yeah, that's why I wanted to talk to you about it because you are a super romantic person, but you've kind of like learned to move on from that.

Well, it's because I spent a lot of time not. And again, it's easier when you're not in a relationship or you finally move over to look back and think about what caused you to not get over something and it was just you know having an obsessive personality and again we just we were the the the biggest liar we'll ever meet usually is ourselves we're really good at lying to ourselves like no one will lie to us more than ourselves throughout our lives like we're so good at lying to ourselves we're so and again it always comes with the idea of protecting ourselves and protecting our egos and you know it's always just like oh well like that that's that's why they did that you know it's because

of this and i don't know. Sometimes we just would rather not know. So we create other stories and narratives in our heads. And when it comes to a breakup, then we're really good at trying to explain why they had this or why they did this or why they, you know. Oh, and then we have these friends who are like, well, they definitely are thinking about you. But like, they're just, you know're just scared to jump back into a relationship. And it's like, I don't think they're thinking about you at all. They're probably fucking someone else.

And I guess, who knows, right? The point is, you don't really know what they're doing, but we have a way of trying to soften the blow. And sometimes, softening the blow in the short run, it makes it really hard to get over people, and we create these narratives. And then when things line up where we're both just bored enough, it makes it really hard to get over people and we create these narratives and then you know when things line up where we're both just bored enough we'll we'll jump back uh and start hanging out

with each other because again there's a reason why we we love these people you know because there is a connection there is a chemistry sometimes it's very easy to find the chemistry and something that never goes away but either do the problems that eventually come up, usually, they don't go away either. And that's why you get in this kind of vicious cycle. I think we just have to remind ourselves that we have way more power in getting over people than we'd like to admit. We're so, we like to talk about like the romance of it all. It's like, I can't help it. I'm just in love. I can't help who I feel. Yeah, you can. Actually, you can very much help it. You just have to love. I can't help who I feel. Yeah, you can. Actually, you can very much help it. You just have to be a little bit more honest with yourself about the possibility of

it not being the one and not romanticizing about the things that we missed. So anyways, we talk a lot about that today in this episode. I think you will really enjoy it. So I hope you do. Make sure to check us out on Wednesday for a great episode with Laura Morano, a very talented, uh, actor and musician doing a lot of great things. And we have a fantastic conversation as well as check us out tonight or tomorrow for the listen to your heart finale recap. And, uh, yeah. Anything else for show?

Nope. Uh, don't forget to send your questions at asknickatcastmedia.com, cast with a K. Certainly, we'd love and appreciate your five stars review on iTunes. If you have the time, always like to get those up. Bounce out our critics, you know. Anyways, I don't know. I'm just, I like, listen, I like begging for reviews.

That's all. That's all I really want to say. Other than that, let's get to the calls. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. Good. I'm Megan, 34. Hi, Megan, 34. How can I help? Well, I have an ex that I've known for a long time, since I was 22. And I just can't seem to get away from him. So that's my major issue. I've been in a decent amount of relationships throughout the years since I've known him.

I've actually even been married since then. I've been divorced now for three years. And in that time, since I've been divorced, I've actually slowly went back to him a couple times. And I just seem to just keep going back. In the time that I've gone back to him a couple times, I just, it seems like guys just can't compare to him and then I always tend to go back. So it's kind of the whole X thing but there's certain circumstances that is the reason why I can't ultimately be with him.

So I'm just having a can't ultimately be with him. Um, so I'm just having a hard time getting away from him. I've done the whole blocking thing and social media and all that. Um, and I still have issues, um, getting away. So I guess that's,

that's my issue. You met him when you were 22 and did you guys ever date? Oh yeah, we did it for three years. Okay. and then why did you break up um so it's always the reason why and it always still to this day is the reason why is he's kind of um it's his career he's kind of a nomad he doesn't want to settle down um he likes to travel for his career i'm very sustained and where what i do so i'm a i'm an eight to five

monday through friday kind of girl. I always have been. And he's kind of that, his schedule, his career is all over the place. And that's where we don't agree. And so we've always had issues with that. Who broke up with who? We ultimately kind of ended it mutually. And we always kind of have. I don't totally believe that. But who, I mean, look, thinking back, who initiated it? It might have been cordial. It might have been mutually respectful.

But it wasn't if you guys woke up one morning, counted to three, and you both said, we should break up. All right. You're right. It was me, ultimately, at the end, back when we were younger. And it was hard. It was hard. It was hard. It took a while to get him away from me fully. He didn't want it.

But I just told him, your life does not match mine. And I need to move on. And I did. And I found my then husband. And he was polar opposite of him, of my ex. Okay. And I wonder if that's kind of why that didn't work out, unfortunately. But, um, and then I eventually went back to my ex to just try it again and it

didn't work again just because of our lifestyles. And it's unfortunate because I, again, I can't find somebody that measures up to him, so to speak. And it's so frustrating. What do you mean by measures up? up to him, so to speak. And it's so frustrating. What do you mean by measures up? Personality wise and just kind of gets me. And I don't know, it's just like nobody is like him and I can't find it. And I try and try. And some of these relationships will even last up to six months or a little bit longer and they ultimately fail. And now here I am at 34 and I just can't make a relationship work. And I'm like, am I just doomed to be with him ultimately, even though I just can't make it work logistically.

What do you mean by doomed to be with him? I don't know. I mean, is it going to be him or no one? Well, that's entirely up to you. I definitely don't believe in the idea of I can't get over someone. I mean, ultimately it's your choice, right? You've allowed yourself to allow the thought of him and even literally him back in your life. That's just how it is in a sense. No doubt he has qualities that you like, and then there's qualities that you don't,

but he's kind of been your go-to in terms, like you said, your comparison. So as soon as you date someone or even you break up, you allow yourself to dwell and ruminate over this fellow, right? Yeah. And then you obsessively kind of think about it and fantasize about the relationship. Let me ask you this.

How long ago did you break up from when you actually dated? It's been a long time ago. I was 26. 26. Okay, so several years ago. Yeah. And since then, it sounds like you've had some contact intermittently yeah back and forth uh but you've never actually dated since then no we just kind of on again off again just hang out so physically you hang out

yeah sometimes and you've i presume you've hooked up? Yeah, we have. Yeah. I mean, a weekend here, a weekend there, we'll kind of touch base again. But it's almost like, I feel like I'm just hanging out with him for just a couple days because we're kind of in that bubble and we know it can't really work. So we're just catching up, hanging out. And then we go separate ways again.

When you say you know you can't really work, has he tried to date you since then? And you're always saying no? Or are you guys now on the same page of this won't work? He talks about it like it might work, but I know it won't work. Well, then why do you keep hanging out with him? Because I like the idea of him. And it's only when I'm single again, obviously it's not. Sure. So I guess what I'm saying is like, listen, it's tough. I get that you are attracted to him.

You like, um, there's obviously a lot of things about him that you're drawn to, but you have decided for whatever reason, you've put up this wall and this barrier and you can't be together with him. Uh, you know, a lot of people can relate to that. I've related to that where I might meet someone where I feel like they're great. I feel like they're too young for me and it's not feasible type of thing. But everything else you really like, right? Right. I'm not here to tell you whether you're right or wrong about your determination, whether

you're not compatible with him i'm just here to say like you just have to make a choice and you have to stick to it right because what you're doing is you're being weak and i'm not saying that with judgment we can all be we all can be weak i've been weak before uh you live in the moment and so you just have to decide what you really want. And if you truly want to just be over this guy, you have to really let him go, you know, and blocking him temporarily doesn't do anything. You truly have to block him. You can't drop block him and six months later be like, well, you know, I, you know, it's fine. I'll unblock him, you know, because I'm bored. And then eventually like he'll pop back in your life.

You guys have developed this routine of kind of this intermittent relationship. And so it doesn't matter if you don't talk for six to 12 months or 18 months. You guys have the capability of reconnecting constantly. And as long as he continues to live this, as you say, nomad life, most likely he won't, you know know chances are he there's a good chance he won't settle down for a while someday he probably will i don't know um but until then um you have this kind of side piece if you will right yeah um and so and he's fine with it. You know, whether he says he is or isn't, he allows you to hang out. I mean, just for fun.

Why? So the biggest reason you can't be with him is because what he likes to travel and he's inconsistent and you like structure. Yeah. And if I want to be in a relationship, that's what I need. I need structure. I just, I know that about myself at this age. I mean, I've come far enough. I, that's what I need. I need structure. I know that about myself at this age. I mean, I've come far enough. I know that's what I need.

Are you sure? I mean, because it seems like maybe what you think you need and what you say you want are sometimes not lining up. He's like fun, though. It's just like, oh, it's the weekend. I can just go hang out for a couple days. But back to reality. Monday came.

Well, I don't, I i mean it sounds like you've decided this is what you need more than maybe this is what you need i don't i don't know a lot of people do that they have an idea of they like they like a picturesque type of relationship they've decided that they want the the structure the nine to five they they envision meeting a man or a woman they can go to church with or they can you know have kids you know what i'm saying like they yeah they paint this picture and then they meet someone who you know quite honestly makes it challenging to fit that picture and but everything else is could be very compatible and very great lumen skin new friend of show i i've been using lumen they uh it's uh uh these fan it's a fantastic uh skin management

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And this really helps warm me up before I work out. It helps get on any kind of muscles, muscle aches and kinks. I love it. It's, and it's so easy to use. It's like, it's, I can use it on myself. Can you show us how you use it on your neck? You just go like this, like this.

And then like the other, I can do it with the other hand. So it's, it's fantastic. So, and I can use it with the other hand so it's it's fantastic so and i can use it if you go up over your head you can use it on your back all by yourself no you really can't it's actually remarkably easy how like you can kind of cover every part of your your body um and it feels so good i sit on my couch i do it and you don't have to do it for super long periods of time i just like using it for 30 seconds sometimes and loosen, loosen up some muscles. So I don't know. You'll get addicted to it in the best possible way. Theragun risk-free for 30 days. There is no substitute for a Theragun Gen 4 with an OLD screen, personalized Theragun app, and the quiet and power you need starting at only

$199. Now I'll tell you what, that is a steal because I've spent so much more on massages, and the Theragun is just as efficient. Go to theragun.com slash V-I-A-L-L right now and get your Gen 4 Theragun today. That's theragun.com slash V-I-A-L-L, theragun.com slash V-I-A-L-L. You just have to decide what you want in a relationship, how you prioritize your relationship because it sounds to me you have one priority

of the type of relationship you want, right? Which sounds like you've literally have been married and now divorced. So it sounds like maybe your ex-husband

probably, my guess is, made you feel very comfortable about the possibility of having the perfect picturesque type of relationship yeah uh and yet the relationship between the two of you uh didn't live up to kind of your expectations of what you needed to feel fulfilled as a person in a relationship exactly yeah so you have to decide which is a bigger priority and again i'm not here like i'm not here to decide what's that for you what what's right for you because it is possible maybe you are right maybe maybe he just doesn't he's just not compatible

maybe him in small doses is just enough for you to not forget about him, for him to always be there and to romanticize the type of relationship you can have with him. And if that's the case, you really need to cut him off. You need to be harder on yourself. You need to truly let him go. And then you need to stop thinking about him. One's ability to get over a relationship is the choice. You have to want thinking about them. You're like, well, this one's ability to get over relationship is the choice. Like you have to want to get over.

People say they want to get over people all the time, but they don't. Right. Yeah. Um, so you have to stop talking about them to your friends and you have to police yourself. You have,

when you have the desire to look up his picture or to stalk him on Instagram or to talk about him with friends, you have to stop doing that. Yeah. And over time, you will get over it. And then when you feel moments of weakness, you have to, it's like anything else, like quitting smoking. You have to replace it with something.

And you have to sometimes be tough on yourself. But you can do it. You know, again, like quitting smoking, like it's hard, but people can do it. It's, it's possible. You have to really want to do it and you have to really fight through it. And you have to really get through those moments of those cravings and those urges to, to, to have that instant gratification on the flip side. Maybe he's maybe, maybe, maybe what you say, I have been telling yourself that you want in a relationship your entire life isn't exactly what you want. Yeah, I think you might be right on the second part.

Are you calling to ask me for permission to? No, no, no. I mean, when you talk it out like that, I mean, because he is really hard to forget, and he's been really hard to forget all this time and maybe i am being a little stubborn about my describe what what a relationship would be with him i think it would be a little i don't know i think i would just have to try it again to see if it's something i could i would have to change my patterns in my routine just a little bit to see if I could do it. In relationships. Have you always been the dominant personality?

Yeah, I'm pretty, um, You're the, you're the boss. I think I am a little bit. I try to work on that, but I like, Well, you're proud. Yeah. You're going to have to try to not be. Yeah. You like, you know, in relationships, I think you're used to setting the expectations, which is great.

I mean, we have so many people call in who are women who tend to do the latter, but it's all about finding the balance, right? You have to be able to... If you find yourself dictating the terms of your relationship constantly, it's hard to ever live up to those expectations. And then you have this kind of, this particular guy,

this is who he is, there's so much you like about him, and you're trying to change who he is. But who he is is the person you keep thinking about. You have to maybe let go of some of the control you've, you have in relationships and even on your own expectations of yourself, you know? So if you were to start dating this guy, if you were to say, you know what, maybe this is the guy I should be with. You're going to have to get through a very uncomfortable period, no doubt. Because once you start hanging out with him and he is who he is this free-spirited person

you're going to reach a point where it's like ah see i know i know i didn't want this but you're going to have to ask yourself in that moment do do i not really want that or is this different than what i've always told myself i wanted right does he make me happy do you know and because eventually yes eventually you're going gonna get to the age or the point in your life where you're not gonna be able to call the shots and right now i think you're very used to being the one in control in any relationship you have in your dating life and someday that's going to change and that's when you know you really want to make sure you're not taking advantage of that okay okay so yeah i you know i don't know what you should do but i think you just need to

change something about the way you're going about it and uh yeah one way or the other you need to follow through yeah because you've been uh very you've you've you've you've kind of tried to tip you tried you're trying to have your cake and you get two. Yeah, definitely. Definitely. Okay. All right. All right. I'll give it a try. Okay. All right. Thanks a lot. All right. Best of luck.

I appreciate it. All right. Yeah. Take care. All right. Thank you. No problem. All right. How's it going? Good. How are you? I'm good. Thanks for asking. What's your name?

Leah, and I'm 25. Hi, Leah, 25. How can I help? Okay. It's kind of a long story. I'll make it short. So I lived in Hong Kong for two years and I started dating someone. We fell in love, I guess, and

we were together for two years. We traveled everywhere together. We went to Bali. We went to the Philippines, everywhere. And we basically lived together for two years in Hong Kong. And then he's two years younger than me, this guy that I was with. So then he had to go finish undergraduate in Copenhagen and Denmark. And I just decided to move to move from Hong Kong because he was leaving. And I was like, okay, I'm just gonna, a lot of my friends had left,

I got my master's there. And I just decided to leave also. And so we were going to be long distance for the next year. So he was living in Copenhagen and I was moving to Madrid. I have a twin sister in Madrid and, and cause my job let me work from there. So then I moved to Madrid partially because of him and partially because all my friends left and we were still together. We visited each other like of him and partially because all my friends left and we were still together we visited each other like twice a month a lot we maybe I visited him a little bit more but anyways and then I would visit him and we would see each other all the time he flew to I'm from Milwaukee he would come to Milwaukee and meet my family he flew to Madrid I flew to Copenhagen we went everywhere together we traveled the world together and then I was on a soccer team in Madrid. And I

told everyone like, guys, you're going to meet my boyfriend of three years, we were really serious. I was so excited for everyone to meet him. And then that morning, I texted him the morning he was supposed to arrive in Madrid, after three years of being together. And I was like, Hi, can you bring my sweater that I left at your place? And he said, yes, I'm on the way to the airport. I'll be there soon. And then usually he calls me before he takes off. He never called me. And I started freaking out.

I called him like 20 times. And I was like, hello. Finally, he answered. And he was like, OK, it's over. This is done. We're over. And I was like, OK. So he didn't even fly there. Then I

had to go to all the parties and be like, oh yeah, my great boyfriend, he just never showed up. So I guess what I'm asking now it's quarantine. We're all like home. I flew back to Milwaukee because I didn't want to be stuck in Madrid because it's really bad there. Everything's bad there. So I just wanted to come back here and quarantine here. And I guess I'm just asking for advice. Like, how are you supposed to get over this when when did this happen I'm being a really a little bit dramatic it happened end of December like Christmas time and then I flew home like a couple months ago when everything went crazy when how old were you both when you started dating? When we started, I was 23 and he, 22 and he was 20.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that sucks. I'm sorry. I'm assuming you feel a lot of things. You're probably very confused. If you're anything like me, you're probably very confused if you're anything like me you're kind of obsessively you know playing the relationship back in your head because it

was so abrupt and you didn't have a long drawn out breakup conversation you didn't even do it in purpose in person you probably have a ton of questions and and you're there to you know you basically are either having conversations with yourself or your friends and family to try to figure out what happened and exactly and uh you've probably are are you still thinking about it yes i definitely am but i mean i'm having fun too like before quarantine i was going out trying to get over it and stuff but i'm definitely still thinking about it a lot yeah it happens it's tough especially something like that um hydrate spark hey you never know when you're when you're supposed to be drinking water and hydrate Spark water bottle makes that possible

because it just lets you know when you're supposed to drink water and it lights up. It's very efficient. They have a very user-friendly app. And I can't tell you how important it is to hydrate your body regardless, but especially during these times of making sure you have a healthy immune system. It's great for your skin. It flushes out toxins in your body. It is the best and easiest thing you can do for yourself. I don't know why I struggle so much to do it, but I do. And the Hydrate Spark has really made it better for me.

I do feel healthier. I have more energy by drinking more water. And it's really been a lifesaver for me. I cannot wait to get back into SoulCycle when all this is over and have my pink Hydrate Spark water bottle glow coral. I cannot wait. I am glad you're excited about that. I just love that I'm sitting on a couch

and then Hydrate Spark will light up and then I know to drink a lot of water. What color is yours? It's black. It turns lime green or green. I don't know if it's lime green. I guess it looks a little bit lime to me. I don't know. But all I know is I had definitely become much more hydrated. I'm drinking. It's just amazing how much I forget when I don't, when I'm not using it. And when I do, I do feel healthier. I feel energized. I also,

what I noticed, I feel much better in the morning when I wake up. I sleep And when I do, I do feel healthier. I feel energized. I also, what I noticed, I feel much better in the morning when I wake up. I sleep better when I'm better hydrated. So you can't put a price on hydration and water and Hydrate Spark is making it easier to do that. So up your water intake and order a Hydrate Spark smart water bottle today. Go to hydratespark.com slash V-I-A-L-L for 20% off your first order. Hydrate is spelled with an I. So that's H-I-D-R-A-T-E spark.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Again, that's hydratespark.com slash V-I-A-L-L for 20% off your first order. Would you say he's kind of your first love, so to speak? Probably second.

Okay. But I'm his first for sure since younger yeah yeah um where's he from he's from germany okay yeah uh listen how he handled it not super mature no um that's not an excuse that he's 22 but it certainly helps uh maybe give an explanation why he handled it the way he did you guys had a very unique relationship right you're traveling the world um so much of the relationship has this excitement element to it right right? Exactly. So much kind of built-in anticipation and looking forward to each other. Those are great things.

Those will really make a relationship continue to be exciting. Certainly different than, you know, living in Milwaukee and having your 9-to-5 job and your boyfriend's from Milwaukee and you hang out every day and you go to the bars on Water Street. And then after like six months, you're like, hey, we're still together. This is cool. Do you want to go to the same bars?

And I'm not saying you can't have a very happy relationship like that, but things can get feel very stale very quickly sometimes. sometimes and sometimes and that's when relationships really start is when you when you're you're nothing else is propelling the relationship other than your mutual compatibility and you're able to connect and talk and all these things um and so much of your relationship was all based off this anticipation and traveling and seeing the world together and sharing these life experiences so um you what you need to do in terms of trying to get over it is just, I always like accept it. Acceptance is how you get over someone, right? It's tough. You need to just like,

even without people have a strong habit of convincing themselves they can't get over something when all they really have decided is that they don't really want to get over it you know i don't know it's it seemed you seem pretty level-headed like you you you seem to have accepted this is over you're just having a hard time processing it right yeah are you hoping he calls you're hoping he gets back together do you still have hope in your heart i i mean i would have, but I just know it's over. I know he just wouldn't. He's so prideful. I know that he wouldn't, but I wish.

I wish. Okay. Well, you need to let that go, right? I know, I know. And just out of curiosity, let's say he called today and said, oh, you know what? My bad. I freaked out. I'm sorry. What would be your response?

I would be happy, but I don't know that I would accept it. I don't know that I would take him back, but I would definitely be happy. Like, ha, yeah, I knew you made a mistake. So there you go. Like your ego would be thrilled. It would validate the fact that, you know, the embarrassment you felt going to this party, having to explain yourself and then judging yourself for it. You know, all these people you had to tell you, you probably felt like a loser or whatever.

In reality, they just simply had sympathy. And the only person they probably judged in that moment was him. Like, what a fucking dick. Like, who would do that? Like, no one looked at you and go, oh man, what's wrong with her? Like what was the reason why he did that? You know, when people ghost, people aren't looking at the person who was ghosted and trying to immediately assume like, I don't know, like, do they smell bad or are they

psychotic? No one's thinking that. People are just being like, wow, that's a really rude and inconsiderate thing to do, right? So your ego is really hurt and your ego wants to be validated and your ego feels embarrassed and shame and all these things. And that's playing a big role in you having a hard time getting over this. I think you need to really just accept that what a cool relationship this was while you had it. You have a lot of great memories of seeing a lot of amazing places and probably a lot of great pictures that you're having a hard time enjoying because this asshole's also in the picture. And

if it's just you in the picture, you're going so far as well. He took the picture. You just kind of have to accept it and appreciate for what it is a really great experience that most likely it wasn't going to end in you guys getting married anyways and even if it did that might have been even create bigger problems of like you know you having to travel to germany for thanksgiving well they don't have thanksgiving um probably but like you know you want to trade off and i you know again the kids only was 20 when he met him. Yeah. You were his first love. And he just handled it in a very immature way. And my guess is it probably got too serious too fast.

You did nothing wrong. And he probably was feeling this for a little bit, had a lot of anxiety about it, and handled it in a very poor, immature way. But sitting there and going, well, we dated for three years and it only took him 10 minutes to break up with me. Well, how long should it take?

You know, do you want to talk about this for a month? I just wish he would have showed up and just not at least had a conversation in person. You would have not. Yeah. Why? No, I know. Oh, well, it's done. Can you imagine him showing up and you're like oh my god we're like

we're on the way to the party and he's like can you sit down for a second yeah we can't go to this party i hate you uh you know i don't want to be with you i just came to tell you to break up you would have been pissed you'd be like why'd you even fucking come you couldn't just call like you you definitely would have thought that in the moment, you know, it would have certainly probably been the more noble thing to do and probably would have helped closure. But at the end of the day, there's no easy way to break up with someone. And then we talked about this last week with,

with Claudia on there is that sometimes the, when it was, when Claudia was on the ass neck, the abruptness hurts, but sometimes it's the best way for the receding because i guess then at least you're you you accept it but i guess the only thing i'm really wondering is like during quarantine how are you supposed like you can't go out and have fun you just have to sit in your thoughts yeah you can sit in your thoughts

is this someone who is a professional ruminator and warrior and is always in my head trust me you can be in your head anywhere like you've decided like you have this the quarantine of it all you have you have giving yourself honestly permission uh to be a little bit more sad and you're blaming it on quarantine and you're just like well i can't help it like i can't go anywhere i'm like stuck like yeah sure you can you can zoom with friends you call into a podcast yeah yeah yeah you can watch tv like you know what i'm saying like we always have the chance to dwell on our thoughts and it doesn't matter if we have distractions or not and certainly sometimes distractions make it easier, but you know, you can online date, you can have zoom calls with you. Like clearly you're comfortable with non-traditional dating, right? Yeah. I don't know how I'd feel about online dating. That

would make me very nervous. Okay. Well, sometimes you have to do things that make you nervous. Also, you don't need to start going out there right away i think what you need to do is just accept it a little bit more right um you need to not judge yourself doing this you need to you literally almost need to have conversations with yourself and your ego saying i know i feel this way i know i feel shame and embarrassment and silliness about how it handled but it's not my fault and it had nothing to do with me and sometimes people fall out of love with people and there's a lot of justifiable reasons why he might have done i don't we we're we live worlds apart he's super young uh or you you know, people lose interest. Someone else, other people are going to be interested in you.

And so you just have to kind of be very pragmatic about that. And you kind of have to train yourself to have these thoughts. When you have the other thoughts about feeling sorry for yourself, you have to almost audibly say out loud, got to stop doing that. I got to stop doing that. And eventually you will, right? Eventually you will. Can't go in like, if you have a hard time looking at old pictures of

trips, then don't look at them. Are you stalking him on Instagram, on social media? No, I blocked him on everything. I'd never want to see him again. Great. He doesn't have my phone number, nothing. That's great. And eventually you'll feel less anger towards him. And you should try that now. You should try to let go of the anger. Yeah.

You know? You should forgive him. I mean, listen. I'm not saying he's a great guy, but it doesn't do you any good at this point to be mad. No, I'm not really mad. I'd say I'm more just sad but i'm not mad at him okay just more sad yeah it's it's fine but uh it was very exciting it was a very exciting relationship and

i get why you missed that excitement um but you know sour patch kids are very exciting to eat and sometimes like they're not like you know good for you long term using you know what sour patch kids are very exciting to eat. And sometimes like, they're not like, you know, good for you longterm using, you know what I'm saying? Like you have to,

you're, you're, you're in kind of dangerous water of having the possibility of glorifying this relationship, you know, the simple exercises of, you should really spend a lot of time thinking about the things you didn't like about the relationship. Yeah.

Like things that you, sure. Or things that specifically you were mad at him about ways he communicated i'm sure they exist times that you were frustrated in the relationship where it felt like the relationship was going great things that you were like oh i wish he would do that or i hate it when he does this and that's really frustrating and i wish i knew i wish i had someone who wouldn't do that think about those things a lot you should really spend a lot yeah so you should spend a lot of time thinking about that right now and that will slowly allow you to you know be thankful you had him in your life at one point but also thankful he's not in your life now because right now you're not spending any time doing that, right?

And you're spending a lot of time missing the excitement and you're dwelling about all these great memories you had. And that's great. There'll be a time and a place for you to appreciate those memories you had with him. But right now you need to focus on being thankful you're actually not with him. You need to be thankful that he actually made this decision. And unfortunately, he did it in a way that bruised your ego. And you probably wish you had a little bit more say in the matter,

but it doesn't really matter. Yeah, I guess that's all true. It's definitely true. And right now, spend time hanging out with friends. As you are i'm obviously quarantined you can zoom uh when you wanna when you're ready to date be patient with yourself you know uh going on a date and and having three dates with either guys who you don't like or feel like they don't like you that that's going to happen. That's normal. It's called dating.

It's not a way. It's not a reason to go back and be like, well, if it would just be easier if I had him. And you know what I'm saying? Like, it's super easy to do that. Yeah. I'm just excited to get back to normal life and go back to Madrid and not be stuck here thinking about it. Yeah. But again, Milwaukee is not the reason why you're thinking

about him and madrid's not going to save you you know what i'm saying madrid is the place that he broke up with you in so like you know what i'm saying you gotta these like these things you're saying to yourself well once this happens i'll be fine no no you need to in milwaukee during quarantine focus on how to stop thinking about it. And you know what I'm saying? So that you're not, you're pushing off getting over them. You know? And you're, again, you're making excuses and giving yourself permission to dwell on the relationship. Yeah. You're blaming it on being stuck in Milwaukee. You're blaming it on quarantine.

You can get over it in Milwaukee during quarantine. Yeah. It's just, it's just a matter of perspective. It's just, you have to obsessively tell yourself, you know, fake it till you make it, you know, and, and you need to stop missing him and you need to stop telling yourself you're sad. You've done that. It's, it's, we're now in in may you've had four and a half months of saying to yourself and saying to your friends that you're sad yeah i know you've definitely had plenty of time to process those emotions and now you're past the point where it's doing you any good and helping you get over it and now it's what it's doing is getting you stuck into a certain mind frame well thanks yeah i agree well i'll get over it here in milwaukee you you you can do it it's just it's really just

it's your point of view you can get over them if you want to you have to really want to you have to stop wishing he would call you have to stop wishing you keep your your you were you could be validated by however he embarrassed you you just have to accept that's what happened it sucked and what could i learn from it you have to be really kind of pragmatic about it and i don't need fucking madrid or and you don't need to travel and i i'm that was a really fun time. I had a lot of great memories. Someday down the line, I will appreciate them

more than I appreciate it right now. You just have to kind of keep saying that to yourself and you're going to stop fucking telling your friends you're sad. Okay, yeah. All right. Cool. All right. Okay.

Well, thanks for calling um you know keep us updated but uh you're you're gonna be fine i i i promise i will thanks for the advice you're welcome take care bye bye uh yeah breakups uh we're back to back uh i i can't get over them conversations they're tough but uh we sometimes forget just how much power we have when it comes to breakups. And I say that being someone who had a really hard time getting over heartbreak when I was younger, but it is very much in our control and we have to really let ourselves do it. We're very good at giving ourselves excuses to not move on. You know, oh, well, if it would have happened this way, I'd be fine.

But it didn't. So now I'm going to think about it for nine months. Like, we're very good at bullshitting ourselves. How's it going? Doing good. How are you? I'm good. What's your name?

I'm Crystal. I'm 30 years old. Hi, Crystal. 30. How can I help? So the reason I wrote in was because I live up in Washington State, right on the border between Washington and Canada. And I got on Hinge right after the stay-at-home order, met somebody who I think is pretty cool, but just needing some tips on how to keep things fun and interesting during this time. Okay. Can you share some more detail on the new guy and the fun and interesting

and what specifically you're struggling with? Yeah. Well, it started out like conversations, long conversations every day. I was doing truth and dare was saying hey let's watch a video um but there wasn't really that reciprocated on the other end so what do you mean like he wasn't coming up with an idea of his own yeah okay yeah so and that and that bothered you or yeah it did okay um just just in the sense like i want to make sure that i'm not pushing anything on him um when you gave suggestions of truth or dare games yeah did he was he like oh cool yeah let's play or was he like i mean i guess no he, let's play. Or was he like, I mean, I guess. No, he thought it was cool.

Okay. And so your specific issue with that is you just wish he would also come up with ideas? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right. What else? And I guess like he, he wasn't working when we first met. He's back to work now.

He's a helicopter pilot. So he works long days um he's doing yeah doing that and so we're talking less and less like last week we only talked two times when before it was like two hours a day um so just wanting to keep things interesting fun are you talking on the phone? Are you FaceTiming? FaceTiming, yeah. FaceTime, okay.

Since you've talked less and he's back to work, is the communication still consistent via text or are you feeling? It's dwindling, yeah. So it's dwindling? Yeah, it is. yeah um so it's dwindling yeah it is um and i mean it sounds like you're worried that he's lost interest and you still have interest it's more that i'm losing interest and i'm pretty sure he's still interested like okay then what's the problem i don't know he so he's he's someone that i want to continue getting to know and me after this but in the interim i just don't know. So he's, he's someone that I want to continue getting to know and me after this,

but in the interim, I just don't know like how to keep my interest when, when he's not giving a whole lot. What makes you interested in a guy? I think part of it is that we found out we have a mutual friend, his, his boss. I know I've worked with before. Um, and that person said that they were planning on setting us up. So that is part of what makes me more interested in him. Just having that background,

that kind of mutual person we know. Why? So like, you know, he's not like a killer. Yeah. He's a good guy sure okay um what else i mean that's that's not much you know there's a you can there's a lot of

mutual friends i'm sure there's a lot of people would want to set you up with their friends there's not but um no he just he's smart like has a cool job adventurous like there there's a lot on the checklist that he checks oh a checklist huh well if if there is one yeah okay no there's definitely you definitely have a checklist okay maybe so i, I'm teasing you because, listen, I'm not there having conversations. Just because a guy isn't coming up with games you should play doesn't mean you're not compatible. Right. It seems to be a slightly unrealistic expectation. I think it's nice if you, some people are planners,

some people are not. And quite honestly, sometimes relationships are really great when one person's a planner and the other person's not. And the planning could even come down to something as simplistic as little things you can do to keep things interesting. Would it be nice if he was just as like coming up with ideas as you but that's just probably not his personality uh probably really enjoys it about you he's probably if he is excited about you he might even have been saying to his friends oh wow she comes up with these games i really like her she's it's fun and fresh he's just not used to doing that i mean is that at the end of the day is and i did your checklist include guys who comes

up with fun games to come up with during quarantine like the big questions is when you ask questions is he open um when you whether it's a fun game or whether it's a deeper question is he responsive to your questions or does he give you like yes and no answers and sounds frustrating? It sounds like almost disinterested, excuse me. In terms of, listen, I get the desire of here you are asking him questions, coming up with ideas, he's going along with it, and you're just waiting for him to like ask you questions and, and, and, and do that. Does he ask questions about you? Like, is, are, do you feel like he's giving you an opportunity to express who you are to him? Yeah. I think the busier he's gotten throughout this,

the less that's been, been a part of the conversations. Yeah. Yeah. Well, listen, relationships and you, I, I, I'm sure you don't need me to say this to you. Aren't about like game playing and things like that. Um, it's more so certainly, sorry. It's just more so like typically in a relationship when you're getting to know each other, it's more than just conversation and having that piece right now, it's really great and unique, but I don't want to wear that out so much that like we lose interest and never get to the point of meeting does that make sense i mean sure but

it's um you know i guess different times that way but a lot of it has to do with expectations versus reality you're you know certainly familiar with that phrase. Anytime you talk to someone for the first time, whether it's on a date or FaceTime during quarantine, everything's new and fresh. Everything's on the table. Even conversations you've had with other dates, you can kind of cheat and steal ideas. We've all done that. And it's all fresh and new. There's always, you always reach a point where you're just like, okay, well, what do we talk about next? And in that awkwardness, if you're in the same room, that's when you have sex or make out or something like that, right? Like that's where the, and then you feel this pressure on yourself

of like, oh, we have nothing to talk about. That's okay. Some silence is golden. You know, there's a level of, you need to be comfortable with silence. If, if just because you're not like rifting and it's constant, like doesn't mean you don't have interest. There's just, you're going to have to adjust your expectations of, of that. I don't know if this guy is your guy, right? But all I'm simply saying is just because he's not coming up with other ideas to help carry the conversation so that every time you talk, it's filled with nonstop excitement and riveting conversations doesn't mean there's not a connection there. The thing that I thought

was interesting, and you said he's probably not a planner. And when we were first talking, he said in his last relationship that that was something he needed to work on and he's trying to work on. So do I bring it to his attention that like, I don't know. I don't know if now's the time to start training him. I know. Listen, saying I'm not not a planner i need to work on it i got news for you he's never gonna be a planner right and also like does he really have to work on it i don't know you know what i'm saying like it's just not in his nature and so is it like my point is if you date someone who's just not a planner you know he just doesn't it's not in his bones to just you know make a schedule he gets shit done you know like if you're in a relationship with the guy once while is it nice to like have the not planner plan a nice birthday surprise for you

sure maybe like plan a week and get away that's nice but like this is this is who he is and you have to accept that i also be careful what you wish for too. When two planners get together, boy, hard to get things done because you both have a plan. Take advantage of the fact that usually the non-planner will be like, great, yeah, whatever you have planned, I'm fine with. I'm just glad I don't have to plan it. Again, there's a balance to it. But those are conversations you have when you're boyfriend and girlfriend like you're just dating the guy right now so i guess what i'm

saying is chill out a little bit in terms of like you know it's don't be the girl who's like talking to a guy and gets a guy to open up about like things he has to work on and then from that point forward you're just like well i, I got to hold him accountable. You know, like, well, he told me he has to work on it. So as soon as it rears its ugly head, I'm going to let him know that he needs to, you know, plan the next game. Like, calm the fuck down, you know? You know what I'm saying? Like, dating is hard enough. And finding someone we connected with with don't look for problems

um you know and again i don't know if this guy is your guy but if if your biggest problem with him right now is the fact that he is uh not planning games and and you know you're like well he's being a hypocrite he says he should should work on planning. And here's a perfect opportunity for him to plan a game when he's not doing it. So is he just a liar? Are these things I can come to expect in our relationship of him saying he has to work on things, but he never fucking does it?

You know what I'm saying? Calm down. It sounds like you're maybe doing a little bit of that. So yeah, this is who he is for the most part. So you have to decide, are you okay with that? You have to just ask yourself, do I really want a planner? Do I really want someone who is going to be just, maybe you do. I don't know. But a big thing is, is he showing an interest in you and asking questions about you where you feel like you get to know yourself when you ask him questions

and you plan things? Is he receptive to your ideas or is he a Debbie Downer? Right? If he's a Debbie Downer, he's like, this is stupid. Well, that sucks. And if he, he doesn't ask you questions that give you an opportunity to express yourself, that sucks too. It sounds like he's doing all these things.

So, like, I don't know what the problem is. Other than, like, you've decided to make issue with the fact that, like, he's not doing his part. You know? Like, I don't know. I just don't want it to be, I don't know, something that he doesn't want to do. But you're right. If he's receptive to it it then i should just accept that yeah i mean if you get the sense i mean yeah i can't one of those be careful what you wish for

it's just like well i don't want a guy who's like who takes charge sure but like all depends on i don't know who the type of person you are but if you if you're the type of person who's who takes charge who knows what she wants and is good at expressing what she wants then you might run into a problem when you meet someone who's also good at that you know you say what you want a guy who takes charge but you constantly tell them you don't want to you know like well i don't know if i want to do that you know i don't know i'm getting the sense that maybe you have no, and that's great that you are expressive, but then you have to balance it out with finding someone who is maybe a little more easygoing than you are.

Yeah. And I would say I'm pretty easygoing and that's why having somebody who likes to plan would be nice in certain situations where it's like, I like to go along with things too. So it's putting me out of my comfort comfort zone, having to be the one to come up with all these ideas too. Well, don't, yeah.

I mean, don't think you have to come up with ideas all the time. Yeah. You can just talk, you know, if you guys start dating and, you know know post like we get outside and things get back to normal maybe like my god it's a lot of work to always make sure that you have something fun planned yeah you know that's not a relationship a relationship is like sitting in silence and

and enjoying that person's company sometimes um so i think you just have you're still it sounds like you're still figuring out how compatible you guys are and that's fine but just don't make up problems just because um you know that's that's that's a little silly to nitpick over someone who's not planning games yeah um and it's just not who he is right like i said between him working on planning and coming up there's a big stretch he's probably it's like if you were to bring it up to him he would probably be like what huh i'm supposed to do that you would totally blow his mind out of left field um probably and it would yeah you you would it would seem my guess is you would come across really intense to him yeah be like oh shit like okay um so yeah that's

you know we're we're adjusting and so just be careful early in the dating process of trying to fast forward it and And like sometimes you're, there's, there's answers you want to get early on in a relationship that are going to only happen over time, you know? So early on, is there a general interest that you have?

Are you excited? Do you look forward to talking to him? Do you miss him when you don't talk to him? Things him things like that and maybe the answer to those questions are no and maybe he's not your guy but if all those questions are yes and you're just pissed he's not planning games then i think i think maybe slow your roll a little bit yeah well it's not just that but yeah what what else is it well just like what we had said like making sure it's reciprocated making sure um that there's interest there like you nailed it on the head when you were saying is he asking you questions and lately it's been less and less and time together has been less and

less and i think he's okay with that and i'm just trying to get to a place where I'm okay with that if we are compatible. So are there specific things about you that you would like him to know? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. Okay. You think so or you know? Yeah, I do know. Okay. Well, it's a big difference. Again, like I only ask that because don't just, don't be creating problems that aren't there. If there are specific things, then great. Then you, it's okay to tell them too. You know, some people are more communicative than others, right? And you have to find the balance and, um, seeing him willing to learn about you and him asking questions, uh, aren't always going to be the same. So find a way to just be like, ask him questions.

Like the easiest way to do that is the things that you want him to learn about you. You ask about him. Right. And then if he doesn't ask, you just share it. Right. Now his response to that is the telling part. If he's like, oh, okay, well, I don't really care. That's a red flag. He didn't really show an interest if he's like oh well thanks for sharing i really like that about you like that's really cool then ask follow-up questions then there you

go some people just don't have the comfort level to just get that deep that quickly it doesn't mean they can't do it it's just they're not used to it good Good point. So you kind of feel it out, you know? So, yeah, that's a, I think that's it. That's it, you know? It sounds like you have some more discovery to do with this guy. You might as well, you know? You're getting a little antsy probably. There's probably a little bit of like wanting to move things quicker than you

can. You, you haven't been able to like hang out in person. That sucks. And you're almost like looking for an excuse to, you know, not talk, which you don't have to, but like the alternative of, of talking to him is probably doing nothing. Yeah. So talk, you know, I think you're going to be okay.

So just don't create problems that you don't have. Don't feel like you always have to come up with something interesting. Like dating is not about being super creative all the time. Um, so. Well, thanks, Nick.

You're saying what I need to hear. All right. Well, best of luck. have some fun, take it easy on yourself and, well, thanks, Nick. You're saying what I need to hear. All right. Well, best of luck. Have some fun. Take it easy on yourself and try not to make it more stressful than it needs to be. All right. Well, thanks. Big fan of the pod. Oh, thanks for listening. I appreciate you calling in. Yeah. Thanks. All right. Bye-bye. How's it going?

Hi, Nick. My name's Hillary. I'm 25. I live in LA. I have been on a lot of dating apps recently during the quarantine. And I've kind of fallen into this trap where I'll start messaging the guy in the app. I'll give him my number, we text and then it comes to this point where they're like, hey, can you send a picture? And I'm a little confused if they're trying to find out if I'm catfishing them or if they're really trying to get a nude, which in that case, I'm a little confused if they're trying to find out if I'm catfishing them or if they're really trying to get a nude which in that case I'm not interested and then the conversation ends there. So they're asking are they asking for nudes are they asking for a

picture? They say can you send a picture and then I send a picture and they're like nice can you send another one and it's just it's getting weird because I don't know them well enough to be like, who are these guys? I mean, so you're, you're, you're meeting them on dating apps and you have pictures of yourself on dating. Yes. How many guys does this happen with? Um, probably like four. And it's all the same i mean it it keeps going like can you send a picture and i send like a selfie of my i sent a picture of my dog and one of them was like well send a picture of you so then i send a picture of me and then they're like can you send another one and it just kind of gets weird but i is it the quarantine

is this always the same what do you mean same picture is it generally quarantine? Is this always the same? What do you mean? Same picture? Is it generally the same type of conversations with these guys? I mean, there's some that are better than others, but. Okay. And is this all via text messaging? Yes. Through the app?

Have you set up any kind of like FaceTime dates or Zoom dates with any of these guys? Well, I would like to get to a better conversation before i do that because i think that well i'd rather text them first to get to know them better but how how how well can you really get to know someone via text when you don't know their sense of humor or inflections or, or things like that. Or if, if you even know in their defense, if it's who they say they are, you can't like, what's the downside of a specifically zoom? Because like, you don't have to share your information. I mean, you can text them a link on, right. Can you, maybe I'm wrong.

I haven't been on these apps, but could you text a Zoom link invite on a dating app to someone? I think so. I haven't tried before either. So assuming you can do that, you don't have to share much information. You don't have to give them your number.

Maybe you're not, and that's totally reasonable. Like, I don't want to give a guy my number yet or my personal information. You set up a Zoom meeting. I mean, if it goes really badly just click off you know uh unmatch them on the app you haven't risked much um now that being said my guess is some of these guys are fishing for nudes and some of them are maybe just interested in verifying that you are who you are.

And maybe somewhere in between where they're just kind of bored. Like part of dating is like there's a physical aspect, right? There's a real fear, obviously, in dating apps. How recent are your pictures? Do you look the way you do? How well do you know your angles versus like the person, you know? And so because we are in quarantine, we're kind of limited to doing that. And I think a lot of people, you know, we're in this new period. So it seems almost weird to set up a Zoom as a date or FaceTime someone so quickly.

We're all used to texting and we've really given too much power to text. He's not a good texter. I understand that texting is a preferred form of communicating for everyone and it can be very efficient but it's not a great way to get to know someone so much of getting to know someone is through your you know your expressions you're the non-verbal communication and then and then you know so like when i like non-verbal like even if we're talking and we, if we can't see each other, you know, the love is blind, if you will. Like you still only learn so much about what someone's saying, but at least you can hear their tone and their voice, you know?

So you could say a phrase a hundred different ways and have a hundred different meanings. And so you can't do that via text, no matter how good you are at emojis you know and winky faces and things like that and i understand it's not normal so i appreciate on their sense there's maybe some real curiosity of trying to figure out is this person someone i really want to get to know right uh just out of curiosity so when when they're asking for these questions, have they, have any of them started to get more specific that would suggest they're asking for nudes? No, but I didn't answer one guy after he asked for that. And then he sent me five texts, five days in a row, like smiley face. Are you there? Are you there? Are you there? Are you

there? Just because for for me i didn't feel comfortable sending a selfie that's fine um so say i'm not and then the other one he just asked me after that he was like well what are you looking for in a dating app and i said i'm looking for something more serious but right now i don't want to like put a label on that. And he was like, okay, it's good to know because I'm not like, I'm just looking for someone to hook up with. Okay. Well, there you go. Next. Yeah, that's fine. He's honest. Good for him. Good for him for being honest. It's a challenge on dating apps to, to figure that out.

Because a real fear about, you know, good for him for being honest you never really know but that is dating you know what i'm saying like there's a real fear of you know knowing someone's intentions and dating um regardless of the situation and that's that's normal so you kind of have to embrace the confusion right and then getting people to be honest about their intentions is actually a good thing it's um and it sounds like you had a pretty good perspective on him being honest like sometimes people can find that discouraging oh well it's just another guy who just wants to hook up you know now you know i get why listen if you were to go on a Zoom date with someone, I guess they could screen record or take a screenshot. There's that possibility.

And I guess there's a risk there, I suppose. And I understand why you wouldn't want to send a selfie. But if you talk to a guy, a couple texts here and there, and he seems nice like there's not much downside and and sending up like a zoom date to actually get to know someone yeah and just clearly just being like hey do you want to hop on a zoom call or do you want to like well make it don't make it sound like a business no i know i know but i'm just saying like that transition because this is new territory listen why don't you just be like hey, I know it's like non-traditional, but like you seem cool.

I'd like to get to know you better. We should have a Zoom date. You call it what it is, you know, make it playful. And listen, if a guy's like, well, that's weird. Well, you already know something about him. He's not willing to get out of his comfort zone and he's kind of judgmental and set in his ways. There you go. Next, you know what I'm saying?

Like, you know, you know what i'm saying like um you know you might get on a zoom call and a guy's hopes that you take your shirt off or something and you can still ask for a nude that way but like you know what i'm saying like again at any point on a zoom date you can close the meeting and then never speak to them again um There's not a ton of risk there, you know? And it's also a lot more efficient to get to know someone. Because now what you're doing, I guess my point is you're guessing about their intentions. They're asking for pics and here we are debating all the scenarios of what they might be, what their intentions are. Some of which might be hoping they send a nude.

I don't know. Or this is who you are. Most likely, they just want to know you are who you say you are. And not that they think you're catfishing. But do you look like you're, that you want? Well, listen, the truth is a lot of you know everyone picks their best photos on dating apps right and there's nothing wrong with that but some people uh have like three amazing pictures that even themselves are like i don't know how i look this good but i

look fucking great you know but that's just not really how they look. And so, you know, guys are a little bit more superficial that way than women. So you're going to get guys who are going to think about that a little bit more. I just think, you know, until things get back to normal, we have to start adjusting. We have to come up with a new normal. And the new normal is finding creative ways to get to know someone. Text is not, it's dating text in general, text through dating app is not an efficient way to get to know someone. Text is not, in general, text through dating app is not an efficient way to get to know someone. There's so much room to make a lot of assumptions and

create a lot of confusions and guess on what they mean or how they mean it. People's senses of humor are just impossible to come up with uh understand like people who know each other can confuse each other via text by like are they upset it feels upset because usually what happens when we read text we don't read it in the tone of which the person intended we read it in the way how we are feeling um if we're insecure if we if we're worried that someone is mad at us and they send a text we're going to read it as if they might be mad at us. If you know what I'm saying? Yeah.

When, when they're totally not. Um, and too many people waste too much time getting to know someone, uh, by texting on a dating app. When there's only so much you can learn and you're actually wasting more time trying to do that in a very inefficient way it's just incredibly inefficient to do that um so it doesn't sound like

what you're telling me that it's obvious any of these guys are looking for for news usually guys are after i don't have my phone with me but after i send i sent like a selfie to two of them they were like i want to see more of you in that sports bra like clearly some of them are more sexual yeah okay which is fine i end the conversation and i'm fine going to the next one but i've it's weird that i've gone in this and it's happened twice but maybe it's just a coincidence that That's fine. I mean, at the end of the day, guys are horny little pervs. You know, like they're... Yeah, that's fine.

I'm just like over... I've done that. I no longer want to be in that. I don't want to be on the dating app for that. And so I'm clear with my intentions. And then it's just hard during the quarantine, you know? It is. But I guess it's two things.

One, you're probably going to run into a lot of guys who are lazy and horny and are just trying to get a bunch of nudes on dating apps. That's a reality, right? And it sounds like those are pretty easy to assess out, so to speak, right? Again, moving things quicker in terms of a Zoom date, like the guy who wants to nude probably will want to Zoom because he's thinking he can convince you of doing that but if at any point it gets awkward that way is it that weird to just hang up on someone on a zoom no let's be like you know what you seem like you just want a nude i'm gonna go you know and no no no you know and of course he's gonna say no no no no but just trust your gut

um and if if you're feeling it then go with it but um yeah god people are getting complacent and lazy during this time and they don't know what to do so just like i guess we just asked for nudes um and there's a little bit of like, obviously guys need to stop doing that, but people need to try to figure out what the new norm is because they can't just say, let's go get drinks. And that's what I would typically do is I would prefer to go on a date rather than text or I guess now Zoom. And Zoom's not the same, but people are just dismissing that as just like, let's go on a zoom date this is where we're at you can really get to know someone uh like this you know um you can have a lot of conversations you can get a bottle of wine you guys could watch a movie together you know there's so many things you can do uh face to face you can have a 20 minute conversation not really saying much and get

to know someone, you know, um, especially with someone you're vibing with. And if you're vibing with them, um, you know, eventually they'll probably ask for nudes, but this is after you've spent, you know what I'm saying? Like, uh, it's just, I think everyone's getting used to it. Um, I'm just frustrated from being on a dating app for such a long time so it's i don't know yeah you're getting a little bit of fatigue from it and that's understandable so maybe take a pause and then when you come back have a more efficient game plan of i'm not going to just text people you know because right now it sounds like and correct me if i'm wrong that you're just like okay we're quarantined so i can't meet up so So I guess if I like someone, I'll just have to keep

texting with them. I mean, I would do like a six foot date or a walk, something like that. I'm really open to a lot. It just gets frustrating. And I need to be more positive about it, but that's just... I think in the short term, if you connect with someone you're vibing with via text, try to move it quicker to like a zoom date and call that, you know, like, Hey, I know it's strange, but like, you know, six foot walk, that's fine. But like, let's not risk. I mean, six foot, six foot walk can be pretty safe, but like, let's make sure we're really vibing with the guy. Right.

And I, again, I just, unless I'm missing something, I just feel like a zoom date is a really safe and efficient way to, to get to know someone and really easy to ditch out much harder to leave a six foot walk. I mean, you can ultimately or a date, but like, there's this awkwardness of like, well, I guess I'm here. So this sucks, but I guess we'll keep hanging out. Yeah. You click, you're done. You know, I agree. I think it is. And but and don't feel like just because, you know, as the woman suggests that, you know, some guys, guys are stupid that way.

They don't adjust as quick. So throw that out there. If they're resistant to it, I think that's a red flag. Okay. You know, any normal person who understands that they have to evolve and be flexible and has a genuine interest in you will say sure. Yeah.

And if they don't, they're, I don't know, they're set in their ways or they're singularly focused on getting pics or whatever. And then if that Zoom date goes well, you have a really good time, maybe you have another one. And then like that third or fourth one. So like, hey, it sounds crazy, but like, do you want to, you know, go on a walk and we'll keep our distance, but I'd like to, you know, quote unquote, meet you in person and we'll just do what we can safely until things get back to normal. Yeah, I agree. It's just, it is what it is right now.

Yeah, but we have to try to make the best of it. We have to try to adjust and we can't just say, well, we can't do this. We can't do that. So we're stuck texting. Texting is such a terrible way to get to know someone. I agree. It's very confusing. I think just LOL in general can be portrayed in a million different ways.

It is. But for whatever reason, people think that's like the go-to thing. I don't understand. So, all right. Well, you're going to be okay. And then when guys ask for nudes, just, you know, I'm sorry about us. You know?

Yeah. You guys are a little bit more visual learners, I guess. Put it that way. So, all right. Well, best of luck. All right. Take care. Bye. Well, guys of luck. All right. Take care. Well guys,

another great episode. You know, things are definitely, it's interesting how, how things get to very quarantine focus and, and, and how we're, you know,

still evolving and adjusting to these new times. A big takeaway today is obviously, listen, if you want to get over someone, so much of that is up to you. What we tell ourselves, what we convince ourselves of really kind of dictates how things play out. And we shouldn't confuse how sad we are, how heartbroken we are. In no way determines your ability to get over someone.

It might make it a little bit harder. It might take a little bit longer, but it always comes down to what you're telling yourself and allowing yourself to have different thoughts going forward. So for all the people who are getting over relationships, quarantine doesn't make it more impossible. It really comes down to our perspective. So just try to think about that when you are pining over someone

who broke your heart and made you feel a little insecure about moving on. So anyways, thanks for listening. As always, we have a fantastic guest. Laura Morano joins us to talk about her upcoming projects and just have a really fun and fascinating conversation.

Make sure to check that out. Don't forget to send your questions at asknickatcastme.com, cast with a K. And until next time, thanks for listening.