The Viall Files - E132 Ask Nick - A Master Class with Rachel Lindsay

Episode Date: May 25, 2020

Ask Nick - A Master Class With Rachel LindsayToday on Ask Nick, Rachel Lindsey joins Nick to break down her conversation with Hannah Brown and helps educate us on how to be better allies today by understanding the past. We then jump into our callers and we talk to someone who keeps getting the “it's not you, it's me” at the end of her relationships, while long distance raises insecurities with another couple, a wife struggles with the people closest to her judging her husband for previously being in the porn industry, and a caller that needed to hear her baggage & location does not define her. “Find the one that puts up with all your bullshit, that’s love.” Send your sex and dating questions to [e-mail]. THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Masterclass: masterclass.com/viall Modern Fertility: modernfertility.com/viall Hawthorne: hawthorne.co CODE: VIALL Noom: noom.com/VIALL See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

you're crazy what's going on everybody welcome to another episode of the vile files ask nick episode i am your host nick joined by my producer chrissy chrissy how you doing good how are you i'm doing well thanks for you? I'm doing well. Thanks for asking. You know, I always say we have special episodes, but this one in particular, I am looking forward to. Rachel Lindsay, my dear friend, is joining us and she's going to help us with the Ask Nick. She's always very good at giving her thoughts and opinions on topics. And so she'll be joining us as well as, as I mentioned last week, talking about some of the recent events

that's been out there and specifically, just kind of some cultural questions, I guess that is the way to talk about it and try to share some insights. So again, we can all become more educated on things. So how are you doing, Lindsay?

Do you know me or not? I know So how are you doing, Lindsay? Do you know me or not? I know. I've had four cups of coffee. How are you doing, Rachel? I'm good. Listen, I always tell people when you have two first names, you just learn to go by both.

It just comes with it. Has that happened a lot? All the time. People call me Lindsay all the time. I never correct them because that is my name. I think it's the first time I've ever done that. It's okay. It's okay. I wonder what you

call me if you had five cups of coffee brian wouldn't want to know i'm good i'm a little exhausted as i was gonna say like it's funny i i the podcast uh where i shared my comments about hannah came out night. We're recording this on Wednesday. And I feel exhausted just from the response. The response has been mostly positive. And then I thought to myself this morning, if I feel exhausted, I can only imagine what Rachel feels like. And quite honestly, other people of color who i'm deal with this shit

constantly constantly um i have to say what you said was really great i i really appreciate it it was like everything you said i was just like yes i needed to hear it and thank you for saying something well thank you um you know it's funny. I watched your Instagram live on Sunday when you went on and kind of first addressed the stuff with Hannah. And the thing that resonated with me the most is when you talked about just how tired you are of feeling like this burden falls on you. Specifically in Bachelor Nation, as we say, with some of the alumni. And I felt guilty, you know, it's like one of those things you think about where it's just like, and I even said like, well, let's see what Rachel has to say.

I also think that that's become my brand too. Sure. And listen, you embrace it. It is, and you're good at it. And you're, you're, you're insightful obviously about the topic, but at the same time, I can imagine it does get exhausting. And there is this, I guess, confusion or discomfort with the idea of talking about these topics when they do come up. And it's not as if every person in Bachelor Nation needs to sit here and discuss it.

But I think we need to, again, continue to be open to having these conversations, as I said, try to be just become allies and just be open to admit when you say, Hey, I'm, I feel like I'm a little ignorant on this topic. Are you willing to help educate me? Where can I go to research? Like, you know, where can I do my own homework and things like that? But it's just something that like you, you talked about and it just like, I kind of took it as a challenge on myself and I hope other people, not just in Bachelor Nation, but everyone watching that was just like, Hey, I, I, I want to be a friend to, to anyone,

especially my minority friends and people out there who have to deal with this and not just like showing outrage when these terrible atrocities do happen, you know, and just try to be an ally to people out there and continue to support one another. And I appreciate you bringing that to light and challenging all of us to do that as well. bringing that to light and challenging all of us to do that as well. Yeah, I think, thank you for that. And I think also it's the reason I said when I first started my life and I was like, I'm so tired. It was twofold, right? I'm tired of always having to be the one, but I was actually really tired because all day I had been dealing with it behind closed doors. It wasn't a situation where I just woke up and was like, Hey, I'm going to go on live. And this is, and this is what I got to say. I really tried to handle it a different way. And there's just so much people don't know and didn't see. And by the time I got on live, I was tired.

and didn't see. And by the time I got on live, I was tired. I can imagine. How much are you willing to kind of share and kind of put into context? I know you mentioned on your live that you had reached out to Hannah. And it sounded like at that time, at point, maybe you're just offering advice, but it's, you know, there's been things out there that have been leaked and, you know, how much of that is accurate or not accurate. Are you able to share any bit about that conversation? Yeah. Originally in my live, I was hesitant to talk about it because I was trying to not make my live just about Hannah. I really wanted people to see the gravity and talk about the nature of that word and the history of it. But I have to, of course, reference why I'm even talking about it. I was trying to preserve that. But what has come from that has been that

somehow I was upset because Hannah didn't apologize the way that I wanted her to. I was trying to force her to do something. I was bullying her. These are terms that have come up. And it just blows my mind that some people think this. So I feel now that I have to kind of set the record straight on some things. So I think there was an ET article that came out that was like sources said. And one of the things that it said was that I had a conversation with Hannah. I didn't have a conversation. I had multiple conversations over the phone, text and direct messages. Another thing that the article said that was wrong was that Hannah never committed to a live. That's not true. And I think that's what became so taxing on me is that when Hannah and I talked, she wanted to know what my thought was as to what she should do. She said, I want to ask you. And she was very remorseful. She was very upset. She was embarrassed. She was admitting she was wrong. And she said she wanted to go on a live.

She was going to go first and then bring me on. Twice, she got off the phone with me to tell me, okay, I'm going to go do it. I'm just going to go get ready. Hours later, nothing. Then we would talk on the phone. And then hours later, nothing again, until it was ultimately decided that she wanted to do a statement. And I think what people also have to understand in the background of that is that Hannah, the reason it disappointed me so much that Hannah decided to give a statement is because quote her words, a statement would be insincere. Hannah said that.

It felt icky to give a statement. And I believed her when she said it. And it was her team that was advising her to give a statement. And she said in her heart she didn't feel it was that way. And she felt that God had wanted her to use her platform for a bigger purpose. And she was going to step up and do that. So then to see her ultimately text me and say, I'm going to give a statement was extremely disappointing because you yourself said that that was insincere. So why did you therefore decide to do an insincere action? I'm very confused by that. Yeah, I mean, and again, you know, I have this like problem of always playing devil's advocate and just trying to, in confusion,

put myself in other person's shoes. Sure. I can get why Hannah's scared and worried. And certainly she, you know, she hires these publicists for a reason to be advised on these things, but she is their boss. And at the end of the day, you do have to,

I think what you said on your live is like, this is to come from your heart and it certainly needs to look like it comes from your heart. And I'm not a publicist, but if I'm advising someone, it's just like, listen, you can't have people thinking it's written by us.

And everyone knows it was written by her team. Yeah. But that is it. I did know her heart. She was upset. And she wanted to speak on camera because she wanted people to understand where she was coming from. And I believed her with that. And that's why I was like, I will support you because this isn't you should speak, not me.

It should be you speaking. Here we are talking about it, right? And last night, I've been called a bully. It's like, that's the seems to be the, why are we bullying Hannah? We're not like, you know why we're talking about it right now? Because Hannah Stowe to this day, and it's Wednesday morning, refuses to. And it's frustrating that we're sitting there having a conversation about this. I don't know how that live would have gone, but my gut tells me it could have been a very powerful and a very impactful thing. And I think it would have been over. It would have been a mute point.

I certainly wouldn't have spent 20 minutes talking about it on last week's episode. If I did talk about it, I would talk about like, you know what? Hannah fucked up. It was wrong, but good for her for having some courage and good for Rachel Lindsay for extending an olive branch that you didn't need to do. But I felt like that's what you do. And to your point, the reason you address it publicly, or we talk about it publicly, is because it happened publicly. If this happened behind closed doors, it would be a conversation we had, and that would be the end of it. And I think people think, you know, it's just crazy the things that people say, but it could have been a bigger conversation

of, gosh, Hannah and Rachel came together to talk about race, to address an issue. Yeah, could have been really positive. And we aren't seen as close. And so it was more of, that's why I said, let me not just get on live. Let me reach out to her and let her know that this is disappointing because you do have this platform. People do think, hold you in high regard and I think more of you than this. And to know what her heart was and then for her to ultimately hide behind a statement is what was so disappointing yeah i mean as of now and i'll just repeat it as of now all we've had from hannah is

this weird apology on her instagram live shortly after being called out which i'm sure she felt scared and confused and awkward and the the giggling through the apology probably comes from that i understand that but her gut reaction was to blame her brother that's like you know how you handle things in the moment is indicative of your character and like so again we're not like it's we're just trying you know we're people have been kind of pleading with her to be like come on do do something different like stop you know uh and so here we are talking about it and more about the topic because like no one likes fucking talking about this, you know. But we are dealing with real issues out there. And you sometimes feel damned if you do, damned if you don't.

We don't like talking about this. But, you know, we do feel grateful for having this platform. And you know what? We get to do a lot of dumb things and post ads and be goofy and silly. But there is a responsibility that we have given this gift of an audience and a fan base to like try to sometimes have tough conversations. And like no one likes to be throwing

anyone under the bus. I still hope that Hannah makes the most of this. But like this approach is baffling, it's confusing, and every day and every moment that goes by, it just reads as more and more insincere. And to hear that you had this conversation with her about her sincerity and her sadness behind what she did to only like put something out there, it makes me more disappointed yeah the statement you just made is so powerful how people handle things in the moment is indicative of their character and i remember saying to her of course it's scary to get on live and make this

statement but how noble will it be of you to say i I was wrong. Instead, you gave us an apology that only lasted 24 hours. You didn't even have the audacity to post it on your feed to say, I am representative of this statement. This is what I stand for. This is what I believe. This is who I am, where it stands there on your feed forever, as opposed to disappearing in 24 hours into the ether never to be seen again yeah it's a it's a bummer i do appreciate you giving some context around that uh again for all the hannah brown fans listening i i'm sorry if you were upset we're not trying to pile on we're not trying to bully her but there is a responsibility here that hannah needs to do and again like the reason why i shared some context about the relationship that Hannah has or the lack thereof with other people in Bachelor Nation is

not to like talk shit. It's just that we're sitting here getting a bunch of comments and a bunch of DMs being like, why aren't you defending your friend? Why don't you have Hannah's back? Why is everyone alienating Hannah? And like the truth is the alienation was on the other side long before. And people like you are still reaching out and extending this olive branch. And it's just like, that's where I think we get frustrated and we get defensive and it's just like, you know, um, and that's her about this. I actually warned her. I said, you're the longer you sit, your fans are going to speak for you. You need to speak out. And I was like, your fans are intense. And you really need to say something

because what they're saying now, is that what you believe? And she said, no. And I said, is that what you stand for? She said, no. And I said, that's why you have to come out and address it and stop allowing people to speak for you and say that they know your heart.

No, like they need to hear you. They need to hear from you so they know what you represent. Masterclass. Well, people, you know, we've talked about Masterclass before. This is such a cool product. I told you that I've been using Masterclass since Christmas. I got it for my brother-in-law as a gift.

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And you know what else bothers me, Nick, too, is how they're like, you should be supporting your fellow Bachelor Nation person. Or I get a lot of women should be supporting women. Oh, I'm bowling women now because it's just like. But what do you see when you see me? I'm black.? I'm black. So I'm black. I'm black first. And then I'm a woman.

I am a black woman. It's not about women supporting women. It's about me representing myself as a black woman. And it is a derogatory term that is used against to oppress black people. So how, as being a black person, do I not speak out about this? It just baffles my mind. You should be showing Hannah Grace. Why isn't that used on the flip side of things? It's crazy. Somebody said to me, Nick, sometimes I'll say, you know what, let me respond to someone. And I was responding to someone in my DMs and I was explaining something and they said, well, Hannah, her brain wasn't programmed to say the F word. So that's why she skipped over saying the F word, but she never uses the N word.

So her brain just said it because it's not in her book. I was like, what is wrong with people? it's not in her book i was like what is wrong with people there's some holes in that train of thought i'll just say but it's like you know so let's transition to the bigger conversation the bigger topic and it's like it's almost like again it's like when we're sitting here saying me you know white guy being like guys white people stop fighting this fight just don't say it there's no argument like is it that hard do you really want to die on this hill come on like and yet i'm just shocked by the the number of people uh who are willing to publicly you know put on their social like you know their profile their picture it's not even private and being like no i want to want to argue this point. And I'm just like, why? I don't understand, you know,

this whole like, well, don't use it. No one should use it, blah, blah, blah. Can you again, provide some context for the people listening on the use of the N-word? Why black people say it in their community uh why artists choose to say it uh why yeah can you shed some light and and educate us on this yeah topic so it's simply this is the beautiful thing about the internet you could literally google this and you could figure this out for yourself since it seems to be taken out of history books these days so i feel feel like I need to tell a story, a true story, and take things back centuries and centuries ago. So when you talk about the history of this word, Black people, African at the time, were literally kidnapped off the coast of Africa against their will, put on ships, all while being not referred to by their given name. They were referred to by the N-word.

They're then placed on these ships, chained there, many of them dying from starvation, from being malnourished, from disease. And if they happen to make it to America, they are then placed on platforms where they are sold to the highest bidder as they are auctioned off like animals. If they're strong, if they look like they can do work well. The women, if they look like they can bear children so they can breed more Black people so they can have more slaves. We are literally treated like

animals. And what are we called when we're on these ships, when we're standing on a platform in chains? We're called the N the inward. Then from the platform, you go to the plantation. You work all day in from the sun up to sundown, if not later, all while the person there is slapping you, whipping you, beating you. The women are being raped. You're not allowed to learn how to read, write. You're not allowed to congregate unless it's church. And they are inputting their religion on you. You're not allowed to use any of the same practices that came from the land they took you from. And this is all while you're being called the N-word. I just don't understand why when you know that history,

when you know that Black people had no rights when they came over here, they were enslaved, they had no money, they were literally on paper referred to as three-fifths of a person, not even considered a whole person. And how did they continue to oppress us? By creating this word to hold us down. There was not one positive thing about this word. It was referred

to Black people. It was a term that was insulting. It was a term that was contemptuous. It was a term that was used to make us inferior. And even though when slavery ended in 1865, the word didn't end. Slavery did, the word didn't end. We still didn't gain our rights. We didn't gain rights until into the 20th century. You had voting that was against us, segregation that was against us.

It was illegal to marry somebody outside of your race. All while they're still calling you the N-word. And you are fighting and mad because you can't use this word. When you know the history of it, and it's not even just that you can't use this word, this word was used by your ancestors for this purpose, and you still want to use it. So when I hear people saying, oh, it's just a lyric in a song, oh, it's just a mistake, you song. Oh, it's just a mistake. You have to acknowledge where that word comes from and how deeply rooted in hate it is. And the whole use of it by Black artists, it has become a form of art.

And I'm not saying I use it. I'm not saying that I even want to hear it. But you can't tell Black people how they can feel about a word that was used towards them. I made this comment in my life where I said James Brown had the song, say it loud, I'm black and I'm proud. Because it used to not be a good thing to say black people. You said African American. And he said we are black and we should be proud of it. And so what you had in the 20th century is black people take

that power back. Oh, you want to use that word negatively against me? No, I'm going to take it and I'm going to use it as something that's positive. But that doesn't give the permission for non-blacks to then take and use that word too. And I guess my thing is once I break down this history for you, because maybe you didn't know, once I break down the history for you, why then do you still want to use the word? Because it's in a song. It just makes no sense to me. If I was singing a song that had derogatory words towards Jewish people and had references toward the Holocaust, I would never sing those words just because they're the lyrics in a song. And I would never tell Jewish people how they should feel about me

wanting to sing those lyrics in a song just because that Jewish rapper said them as well. One plus one does not equal two here. If I see somebody doing something wrong and then I do it wrong, I don't get to also blame the original person who was wrong. Like that's just not how things work here. And that's what people are saying and they're fighting for.

And I guess I just feel like when you hear this history, you should feel so disgusted and dirty, whether you hear me say the word, whether you've never said the word, or you heard somebody say it on their life. You shouldn't be fighting against it. You shouldn't be excusing it. You shouldn't be giving someone a pass for it because you know their heart. You should hold them accountable. If you see your brother, your sister, your friend doing something wrong, you hold them accountable for it so they don't make the same mistake again. And you encourage them to grow from it and move on from it. Yeah.

I mean, well said. And it's just like as you're talking, you know, I'm thinking to myself, too. It's just like you referenced Jewish people. Also, the LGBT community, the F word, for example. Exactly. Listen, I'm sure I've used the F word before, especially in my youth. It hasn't been that long before we've been educated by the LGBT community how derogatory that word is, how it's been used against them of and some similarities to the way the n word has been used yeah and listen like it's a terrible word and now it's like you don't say it and you

see gay people use that word in the same context in which you're describing it is because you know they say it almost probably like the words you know uh, and, you know, they want that power back. It's like, you know what? I don't, you calling me out doesn't bother me. You know, it's, and like, what are we going to tell gay people, you know, for having, again, being beaten to death for being gay, exiled by families, you know, a bunch of things. And we're going to tell them because they can't like, people are still tweeting it. People like have no problem. I saw something a couple of days ago about a pickup truck using the F word saying, dear F word, please open our gyms. And it's just like, we still haven't even like, you know, as a community, we don't associate the F word maybe as bad as the N word yet,

you know? And there is no, there's no competition of what's worse, right? And yet it's just like, I just, what I don't get is this like, why is white people, are we so just adamant about fighting this? Let's be like, okay, cool. I won't use it. You know, I know we text yesterday and I'm just going to say it. My gut tells me the reason why people get defensive about things is because they know they've been guilty at times. You know, there's a lot of people out there who might have said it in their car, say the N word or whatever. And again, like, we're not here to sit there and say you're a terrible person, but we're just here to say, if you're listening, it's not okay. Try not to use it it don't use it uh try to be again an ally uh don't feel defensive but like just listen and learn and like moving forward don't do it you know hawthorne i gotta tell you what uh father's day is approaching uh uh spoiler alert dad i got you a bunch of hawthorne. Also, I've been using a ton of it. It's a bunch of amazing, high-quality men's products.

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that in my car. I've said it with friends. Like, what is it? I'm not a racist. I mean, I don't, no one's saying you are, but it's still not okay. So instead of defending it because you feel guilty, just stop doing it and learn from it. We're not trying to cancel anyone here. This is like an opportunity for us to grow and learn and just say, you know what? Again, I've been guilty in my life of doing ignorant things. I don't sit there and remember.

I'm just certain I have. I grew up in a white world. It's just impossible to grow up in that type of a community and not learn from people who are your elders, who you respect, who learn from their elders. That's called the systemic part of it all. We got to stop it. And I think also what gets me is people who are, they want to say it, like you get to say it.

Why can't I get to say it? How dare you tell me I can't say it? Well, let me just, it's like, if you don't understand it, you also don't understand what it is to be black. You don't understand what it is to be a part of a race that has been oppressed in this country for centuries. You don't understand what it is to be judged by the color of your skin first. It's still happening. Yes, we've made progress. It's still happening though. You don't understand what it is to walk into a room and people have preconceived notions about you just because of the way that you look. And so it's very simple here. This is one of those things. I heard somebody else say this, where don't try to talk. Just listen to us. We're the ones who've been oppressed by the word.

Don't try to tell us how to feel. Just listen. And it's so simple. Just don't say it. Period. It's just like, cool. Like, no problem. That's all I have to do. I just not do it's so simple just don't say it period it's just like cool like no problem that's all i have to do i just not do it great it's like the easiest ask i've been ever given in my life don't say i think it's a part of though understanding also the what white privilege means and just the fact of being told you can't do something i mean i posted something someone said the other day to me we created the word why can't we say it? Oh my God. That is your reasoning, but that is how people think. That is where privilege comes into play. And it's just- I saw a comment from someone on Instagram who you could tell seemed to have the best intentions

and tried to blame you and other black people for being a part of the problem. And I'm just like, are you... And I'm thinking to myself, why do you want to put your energy into this argument that way? I just, is it just like, because you want to be right? Is it because you've said it and you feel guilty? I don't know. And again, people, it's not... Let's just try to learn.

Like you said, listen, acknowledge that maybe you've done something ignorant in the past. We all have. And then say, I don't want to be ignorant going forward. And I want to continue to read what I can read and ask people who are willing to educate me. And again, like, as we've opened this up, like Rachel and other black people and other minorities, gay people, you know, are tired of trying to explain to their friends why they shouldn't be. Hey, buddy, can you not say that? It's offensive. You know, it's exhausting.

It is exhausting. And please stop tagging us and all the other people that have said it before. I think I can't and you can't keep tabs on all the people who have said this word singing a song. I can't. And I think that that goes towards the problem. It happens so much. You can't keep tabs. This is very simple.

Just don't do it. The message that we are preaching on this podcast today, you can apply it to any situation. We believe you just shouldn't do it. Period. Here's an example. The other week I was talking to one of my friends. He's gay. And in conversation, I use the phrase butthurt and he interrupted me and said hey nick can i just say like that phrase it's just it's offensive to gay people some people not all um it bothers me

i didn't say why right i don't understand why can't i was just like oh thank you for sharing i i felt silly i felt embarrassed that i heard his feelings i know that i've certainly used it wasn't the first time i've used that phrase and you know what i'm gonna do now going forward i'm not gonna fucking say it because i don't need it in my vocabulary there's plenty other like adjectives and ways i can describe that feeling um and i just don't need it you And if it hurts one person, I'm fine with not using it. And I just don't get it. I don't understand. Such a good point, this conversation that you had with your friend, because a lot of what I'm seeing also is there are other Black people who are in my comments as well saying, I'm not offended by it. It's not that big of a deal.

One Black person, I don't speak for the entire black race, just like that person doesn't speak for the entire black race. But as you said, if your brother, your friend is offended, listen and hear them out. It doesn't mean that you say, well, so-and-so is black and they're not offended. That's not how it works. It's just not. And my life hasn't changed from never using that phrase again. And you, and they, and honestly, people should be offended just by knowing the history of the word. That's it. Like, it's just, ew, it's icky.

Why would I want to be affiliated with this word? Yeah. Rachel, I want to thank you for taking the time. I know this is exhausting to talk about. But necessary. So thank you. But necessary. So thank you for allowing me to do it.

Are we ready to lighten it up and get to some of our callers? Yeah, because we got good ones. All right. Again, guys, thank you for taking the time to listen to Rachel. I hope you did this with an open mind and an open heart. As always, don't forget to send your questions at asknicacastme.com. And I guess without further ado, let's get to some of these calls. How's it going? Hi, I'm Courtney and I'm 29 years old. Hi, Courtney. Hi, Courtney. Hi. So I originally wrote in because my last three relationships have ended with the phrase or

some variant of it's not you, it's me kind of deal. And I was trying to figure out, you know, with like kind of being three in a row, you know, is it really just them or is it kind of me? So a little bit of background, like I've had three relationships in the past probably five years and they're kind of depends on how long, but they kind of range from months to about two years. So I feel like I'm a person who's kind of an all in when I find somebody that I really connect with, and I feel really confident in. So I would try to be really giving and all that stuff. And the last relationship I was in ended after a couple of months when he talked about how he was really unhappy with his job and how he felt like that was creating kind of a tension between us and that it wasn't something that was fair to me and that I deserved better.

So I'm just trying to. I just like how long on average are these relationships? Are they like years or a couple months or various? I would say about a year. My last relationship was just a couple months, but typically about a year or so. Okay. So it's not as if like, this is like your, you know, every, every time you date a guy for three weeks, this happens. Like you're having relationships with these people. Yes. Yeah. Are you dating the same type of guy? So I don't really know. I feel like they're very different people generally, but I don't know if

it's just a type that I'm attracted to. I'm a teacher. So sometimes I wonder if I am attracted. Yeah. Projects. Yeah. Projects. Yeah. yeah that's just women we do that as well and fairness guys like projects too it's i think it's a certain personality more than a gender thing uh i'm a i like a fixer i mean i have a fucking podcast like sharing my unsolicited opinion i fucking love people when they like to listen to me. It's like, I'll date you. I'll save your life. So yeah, I think it's a gender thing. Listen, real quick, without knowing these ex-boyfriends, two thoughts. One, there's nothing wrong with you. You're totally great. I can say that without having to know you too much. And of course, when these guys broke up with you at some level, it was you.

Yeah. It was also them. I only say that saying that like when people break up, they break up with them for a reason because they've even fallen out of like or whatever. Now, certainly it's true that when people aren't fulfilled personally with their own lives, it's hard for them to love someone else. But that's also just like a bullshit excuse people love to give, right? Like, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. I just, I, it's kind of odd because like my last two relationships, they've kind of given me this idea that they're like super serious and they're looking for something serious. My last relationship, it kind of just about a week before he broke it off with me, he was talking about this new job opportunity. And he wanted to get my thoughts on the possibility of moving or him traveling for this job. And he was asking me, you know, what are your thoughts with that? If this is something that were to happen.

And I basically told him, I was like, you know, it kind of depends. I'm a teacher, so I'm pretty set and happy with where I am. But if something comes along that made sense, I wouldn't want to like keep you back from something that would make you happy. And, you know, if it came to something like that, we'd figure it out. And then like kind of just over a week later, he's like, okay, I'm done. just over a week later he's like okay i'm done you know i corny i think that a lot of times when because you're 29 i was 32 before i found the relationship that worked for me and i think that and i so i went through a lot of that sounds bad i was about to say i went through a lot of men you know what rachel Rachel, if you did, it's fine. It's 2020. No judgment over here. Well, my point is, is that I remember thinking when it didn't work out that it was me. And I think it's very natural for you to place the blame on yourself of, oh, it must be something that I did. But I encourage you to, it's not you. Like Nick was

saying, you can tell that you're great. Don't think of it as something that I did, but I encourage you to, it's not you. Like Nick was saying, you can tell that you're great. Don't think of it as something that you did, or you must be the problem. Just think of it as, okay, it didn't work out. It wasn't meant to be, it wasn't the right timing. And, but it is coming for me, you know, like we want things when we want them, but it just might not be the right time for you. But that doesn't mean that it's, it's on you and it's your fault. It's nothing with you. Yeah. I mean, that's the thing. It's just like when you get broken up with that, you are who you are, right? It sounds obvious, but, uh, they, you know, when people say it, like, I think it bothers people because they're trying to say it as a way to suggest that, suggest that they almost still have feelings for you.

They just are incapable of loving you back. It's like, it's me. It's just like, no, listen, you're not doing anything wrong. I mean, not that you're perfect, but the relationship hasn't worked. For whatever reason, they've decided not to want to or be able to give you the affection that you need or want in a relationship. And some level, how they feel about you is why they're breaking up with you or lack thereof you know and there's a difference between it being you and you doing something specific or you know it's just a canned line right and as a result you've gotten insecure about like

it's not me it's you and you're just like well fuck man everyone's saying this i'm the only constant in this equation because like you know it's me um you know it's it's a shitty thing that people say because quite honestly people are afraid of conflict they don't know what else to say when you don't know what else to say you just say fucking dog shit can lines yeah it might be a pattern with them yeah yeah it might be a pattern with them i say this is the time to get confident. Just be like, you know what? I know I'm great. So it's clearly not me.

There's some kind of issue with them. So let me just move on to someone who can handle all this greatness. That's what I would say. I think that's a great approach. I mean, there's a balance between knowing what you want, right? And like you said, it sounds like you know what you want. You're establishing your career, you get excited when you like someone. So there's a little like angst on your side of like, do I

move too fast? Or am I pushing them away? Like, listen, there's nothing wrong with being excited about wanting to be in relationship. Maybe there's a little self awareness. And it sounds like the way you describe the story, it wasn't like some guy goes, you'd be like, hey, I might move this new job. You're just like, I'll fucking go wherever you want, man. Like, I love you. Like, well, whatever you do, I'll be there. Like, you're not doing that. Like, you're showing a level of like, chill, but just stating like, listen, I don't know. Like, if this relationship works, I'm flexible.

Like, whether it's you or someone else, I'm willing to like compromise and make a relationship work for the right person. There's nothing wrong with saying that. And you should be proud that you have that type of like maturity to do so. And that should never change. And don't let a guy or guys who are saying this to you, stop you from doing that. There's nothing wrong with that. That doesn't mean you're needy. That doesn't mean you're desperate. Doesn't mean you want love too much. It just means you're mature and ready to put yourself out there. So a lot of people aren't prepared for that type of like maturity. They're just like, Whoa, what is that's a totally reasonable answer and that scares the shit out of me um yeah you get that a lot so

yeah i i think in general uh sounds like unless you're leaving something out you're you're just one of many people out there that is realizing that fucking love is hard and finding the right person is really hard and you're not willing to compromise. And listen, it only takes fucking one. You know, there's only one person that we really want to like, hopefully be with for the rest of our lives. So, you know, if you're making the biggest purchase of your life,

do you look at one house? Yeah, no, you know, you shop around, you know, you get it right. You know, there's a reason why like people get divorced is because they don't like this idea of having to like have this be hard. So as soon as they like someone, they settle down and they realize they have buyer's remorse. It's like, oh, I like that. Did I get married to this person because I like the color of the door? You know, it's just like, and then you get inside and you kind of get in

there you realize it's a fucked up furnace the floor's no good it's like you know i mean yeah just doing the work a little bit more and you're a little bit more pragmatic with your approach and as a result you're getting guys who are just like you know you're you're finding cracks in the armor and they're and they're kind of letting you know um that they're not ready and that's fine you should be grateful. Yeah. Yeah. I guess it's one of those things that you get to the point where you're like, okay,

well, I've heard this so many times in a row. And I even went to the point where I was like talking to my friends and I'm like, okay, can you just look through these text messages? Can you see if I'm doing anything? Like I'm- Yeah. That's not you, girl. Don't do that. That's not you.

If there's only thing, you're meeting a lot of guys who are not good at conflict. Yeah. That's not you, girl. Don't do that. That's not you. If there's only thing, you're just, you're, you're, you're meeting a lot of guys who are not good at conflict. Yeah. A lot of people aren't, you know? Yeah. And if there's anything, you know, just thinking out loud that you could try to do is like, I don't want to pick a fight or a relationship to see how they're able to talk to you, but like pay attention to how they address adversity.

Yeah. How do you guys communicate with things that you don't agree on? Right. Or do they avoid it? You know, do they kind of passively, aggressively approach it, you know, and you're just, and you, then you sweep it under the rug because it's not really a big deal. You know, things like that, you can become more aware of like, you know, how, how do I communicate with this person on these topics? And that, that might give you some insight on how they might you know approach things going forward okay yeah great thank you you got this yeah you're great yeah don't don't let people get you get you down and

also like there's making questions more people are not gonna i don't care who you are you know i just don't care who i don't care if you're a supermodel or an athlete or whatever. There's plenty of people who aren't going to like you. Show me the seemingly most perfect person, and I'll show you a list of people who are sick of their bullshit. We all have bullshit, and over time, people get annoyed with it, and it's finding that one special person who puts up with our bullshit. Yeah.

And then we fall in love with them. Yeah. And we mutually like their bullshit. And there you go. Yeah. Okay. That sounds like love, Nick. I mean, you know.

That's love, girl. I have a lot of bullshit. And then I subsequently don't like dealing with other people's bullshit. And look what you have. You got fucking, you know, me quarantining by myself find find the one who puts up with all your bullshit so all right well best of luck thank you for calling yeah thank you thank you so much yeah bye-bye how's it going oh it's going good i'm aubrey I'm 24 years old. Hi, Aubrey. Hi.

How can we help? This is exciting. Okay. I guess my problem mostly comes from my own insecurity and in my relationship, I guess you could say, but it's not really having to do as much with him anymore. It's like me just from some of the things we've went through. So to give context, I guess we started dating. It's about over four years now. Um, when I, we were in undergrad together. So I was a sophomore, he was a freshman. We started dating and we spent a lot of our time together going to parties together, just stuff like that. And then once we got to the end, he graduated early. So we graduated at the same time and I needed to finish my graduate program at the school I was at. And then he was moving on to go to his graduate program somewhere else that he has to spend four years. So we were then five years apart or five hours apart. Sorry. And he, you know, it was just hard at that time because for so long we were

almost, I would say attached at the hip, which I, which I now looking back, I know wasn't totally healthy, but we just relied on each other a lot. And I think I relied on him a lot more than I should have. And that wasn't really fair in my way. But that's just kind of how it ended up happening because of some of the situations in college that happened. ended up happening because of some of the situations in college that happened. So he moved away. And where that left me was like, I started feeling more insecure. Like I was going through a lot of stress where I was at. I had to make like all new friends because all my friends had left. And then it was just a lot to deal with. And when he left, he was making, you know, because he was in a new place. So he was forced to make a bunch of friends and where he's at, you know because he was in a new place so he was forced to make a bunch of friends and where he's at there's like it's a high um quantity of girls there which then i wasn't used to that that was

something like totally new to me where is this place you speak of it's optometry school it was just like a softball joke you know you had to take it like i had yeah um but he's in optometry school so i guess there's more people that are women that go there than guys didn't know that but apparently that's so so you know he made friends with a lot of girls and you know i was i'm not in that same position where i was at so it was really hard for me to like understand and like be able to give trust in that way. Because it's like, I'm not naive to the fact that, you know, you make connections with other people. We were extremely young, we got together. And I don't have those same interests that he can talking to these people that are in the same field as him, like,

because we're on totally different wavelengths of what we're doing for our careers. Sure. So that, that year was so hard because it was constant fighting. Like if I felt insecure about something, if he felt insecure about something and it was just a constant battle I felt. And a lot of it, I felt like I had to bend a lot because it's like, I tried being really lenient at first and the cool girlfriend and being like, fine with, yeah, you can go study with her or like, yeah, I go have a party or you can go out to eat with a couple of your girlfriends you know and in my head I'm sitting here like okay like that's not normal like to me that's not normal we never had that dynamic in a relationship and now I'm five hours away where I don't really I felt like I wasn't put first in

that situation like I was never really asked and I don't think he did it on purpose I think that it was just like he he was comfortable enough thinking I was comfortable enough since I didn't say anything about it. And then it kind of like got to the point where I was just at my breaking point because I was never asked like, Hey, is this okay? If like, do you mind if I do that? And it kind of just got to a point where we were just arguing then all the time. And I felt like I was becoming way more controlling in that sense, which isn't really my personality per se. I wouldn't say it is. But you know, it happens. And then it just, it got to the point where like, I couldn't take it anymore because we were fighting so much. And I felt like my feelings were on the back burner a lot.

So it got to a point where it was, I think the summer and, um, I kind of just laid it out there. Like I didn't want to go through that anymore. I didn't want to feel like I wasn't being put first or a priority. Like every time I would like, sometimes I'd come down to see him driving five hours and then, you know, I'd end up hanging out with him and his friends, you know, it's like, I just drove five hours. I don't really want to hang out with your friends. Well, I'm curious though, like these friends, you said you're hanging out with them where you're hanging out with some of these female friends that made you insecure. I was, I was at first. And you know, now it's now that I kind of know it's like the second year, end of the second year into it, I know them better. So it's not as

much of an issue for me now. It's just that at the time I felt, I feel like my self-esteem went down a great bit because one, like there was that. Then two, I feel like my self-esteem went down a great bit because one, like there was that. Then two, I was under a lot of stress and I just started like breaking out terribly. So like I was super insecure about that because of my acne at the time. And it just made me just fall apart basically. I didn't really, like I felt like I can't connect with him here. I don't look the same like I used to.

Like just things going on in my head all the time. Like I can't compare to people that have more in common with him. And now this year we're here and I moved back home and where his school is, it's really, it's only an hour away from me and my job. So it was nice that it worked out that way. But it's like, I still feel like if someone like,

I feel like if, if this relationship isn't going to work out, it's going to be because of me and my own insecurity of me, like thinking ahead into the future. I'm like always thinking like, I don't want to waste my time on this person that like I really love now, but then who knows if he's going to like find another connection by the end. And I'm waiting,

sitting at home saving this money. So then like, maybe we could go somewhere after this and like start a life where I'm going to be waiting until like 27. And then all of a sudden it's going to go in my face type of thing. And it's like, I'm constantly comparing myself to like his other friends that I feel like I can't, like I said, I can't connect in some ways. And I don't know how to take that or like how to go with it. And I know that he knows my insecurity about it. And I don't want to make him feel bad because then when I bring up like a conversation

of how I feel sometimes like I feel like I can be aggressive in a way but I don't mean to come across that way I just think like 10 steps ahead and then I feel like I come off negative where are you I where are you now what's the kind of big picture question that you have I guess one is like how to get over like, I think we're in a pretty good place. But I want to get over like the insecurity of questioning so much and just kind of like know how to deal with that. And then also like when something is bothering me, I have trouble bringing it up in a way where it's not going to come off aggressive and maybe hurt his feelings. Sure. That makes sense. I have some thoughts. Rachel, do you want to start us off?

Yeah. I have to say, off the top, you are very self-aware, which if you weren't, I think that would be a huge problem. But you're recognizing the problems that you have within the relationship. You say you're insecure. You say you can be controlling. You say you can be a little negative because you allow your insecurities to get to you and maybe a little aggressive in your approach when you're approaching him with things. The fact that you know that, then taking a beat, right? When you feel these feelings,

acknowledge them, but then take a beat, take a break. That's what I mean by that before acting on them. And then it sounds like your boyfriend also is including you in his life. It would be a totally different story if you weren't meeting these girlfriends, if he was keeping everything private, but you have to look at that. He isn't hiding anything from you. He's bringing you into his life. That should make you feel secure. So I would challenge you to start looking at things he is doing rather than the things he's not doing. And I really think that that can help you. And also I have to say, nobody can help you get over your insecurity except for you. You know, he could have you attached to his hip every single day.

And I think that's the adjustment because that's how you were and now you're not. But you have to put your energy into something else, your friends, a hobby, your work. But the fact that he is giving you something and letting you into his life, you have to hold on to that too. Because I know because I've had it the other way. Yeah. Oh, who is she? Oh, you know, like they didn't know who I was. I didn't know who they were. So like, that's, that's great that he's doing that for you. Yeah. Um, I agree with Rachel. Uh, it's your strength is your weakness, you know? Um, you're a self-aware person. It sounds like you, you, you, you're in your head a lot. You think about it. You try to be logical, but you're overthinking. I relate to this. And here you are. My biggest,

I think, weakness I have, I've had my whole life and I have to this day is I stop myself from trying anything because I'm like, well, why invest in something that could not work? You know? Um, I still do that. It's probably my biggest problem right now in terms of my relationship life. But, um, yeah, like kind of like late Rachel said, you just kind of have to get out of your own head sometimes. You know, when I asked about the friends thing, you know, it's not one of those things you got to like pick your poison, you know? Uh, if a guy's going to be friends with a girl in the opposite sex, like that's not a crime, it's allowed. But the easiest way to make the other person feel comfortable is also becoming friends with that person, right? It actually would be more weird that if you visit your boyfriend

when he's out of town, and all of a sudden he's just like, well, only be you, babe. And then you never meet these friends he's always hanging out with when you're not around. Like, I understand that you want to spend time with him and you want to like, but like, if you want to get comfortable with these strange people he's hanging out with, the best thing to do that is to see how they act with you. If they're like wanting to be your best friend and get to know you and you become like friends with them, like that happens a lot.

Like guy dates girl, guy has girlfriend, you know... That happens a lot. Guy dates girl. Guy has girlfriend. Girl as a friend. And all of a sudden, they become homies and sisters. And all of a sudden, they break up and the girls remain friends. That can happen. And you want to see those types,

how those girls interact with you. That can tell you a lot about is there any shit going on? And if they just are like, oh my God, let's be friends. Aubrey, you're so great i was dying to meet you and like you know like once in a while shit can happen they're like super machiavellian but like you know what i'm saying like right that's a big thing so you have

to be patient there you can't sit there and be pissed that he's trying to introduce you these strange people because that's what i would do i would want you to know like you can trust me i have nothing to hide here Here are these people. Like, I'm just like, I go to fucking school with them. So you got to think about that. Listen, you're 24. This relationship might not work out. You know, I don't know.

And if you break up in two years, you're going to be fine. And yeah, you're going to feel like you waste a lot. You know, like you've been with this one person for the bulk of your adult life. And a lot of people like Rachel and myself have like, you know, dated a handful of other people. Like things don't go the way we plan them, you know, and being a heady person, you've probably had some sort of plan and vision of how you want your life to be. And that may or may not work out that way, you know, to be determined. But as Rachel said, like, this is a relationship you want to be in. This is a relationship you are in. And you have to try to not drive yourself crazy. It sounds like he's doing what he can. Right. And focus on that. And you're kind of creating a little bit more

stress than you have. You know, the acne and feeling insecure, self-aware, you know, hopefully he makes you feel loved but as Rachel said, at the end of the day, this is going to come from you or not. And he spent your year, your hardest year, you said was last year

where you were stressed, you were breaking out, you were putting this pressure on him, you were having feelings of insecurity and he stayed with you. So also think about that.

You know what I mean? This guy really does care about you because through the hard times he was still there and I actually think that it's really great that your relationship is going through these challenges because it's not realistic to be tight, tied at the hip or joined at the hip with your significant other. You have, you have to separate, you have to have your own and then you come together and also have your own together. And I think that that's what makes it beautiful. You also have to be realistic about what it is that you can and can't handle in a relationship.

Some people can't handle girlfriends. Some people can't handle distance. Some people can't handle, you know, a difference in careers. You have to know within what you can handle. And if you can, then you move on from that. But try to really refocus because I am so like this. Try to refocus on what it is he is doing in your relationship right and like the thing is it's not that I don't know that he's great like and I think that that's

the thing it's like I know that he's done a lot for me and that he proves to like care about me and stuff it's like I get myself worked up over things and I like it's like it's constant like analyzing like well why didn't this happen and why did he do this and, it's like, it's constant, like analyzing, like, well, why didn't this happen? And why did he do this? And like, it's a constant, like battle for me. And I think I agree that I don't want to be like attached at the hip. That's not what I want. I like being my own person. I have my own things. I'm interested. I'm really into my job. I have totally, I'm distant in that. I think where I have the problem sometimes is that like, we're sometimes on like two different wavelengths. Like he's still in school. So he's making all these friends i'm at work and i live at home so it's like again so it's like i don't i'm friends with some of my high school friends but then i'm like do i really want

to hang out with them again and it's hard to like get out and then make new friends so then i'm like i i have friends it's just not as many and i don't have as many plans per se, because it's like, that was going to be my next question is you need to make more friends. You need a more of a personal life. You're young enough that you're kind of in this like in between world. And I think we've all been there again. You have these great expectations for yourself. And I don't say this to be condescending. You're still a fucking kid in a lot of ways.

And that's enjoy it. Like you're 24 make friends. I, some of my best friends i have in my life are people i've met a few years ago friends come and go sometimes i have some friends have been with me since high school it is a you know the circle of life it's part of life right so stop feeling like this is the you know we make this mistake at that 23 24 25 where you have these big plans for yourself and you're like this is my life these are my friends This is going to be my husband. Like, you know, this is, this is the rest of my life. Like, you know, you know, you have so much life left to live. You don't know what's going to look like. And it's going to be exciting and scary and things

are going to change. And you shouldn't challenge yourself to go out there and make new friends. I don't know if you went to high school with these people, but you, the way you talk, it's just like, well, you know, we're at different parts of my life. He's in school making new friends i don't know if you went to high school with these people but you the way you talk it's just like well you know we're at different parts of my life he's in school making new friends and i have a job that's literally what you said you know like okay well great you have a job you're not allowed to fucking be friends with these people no i know what you mean like where i'm working though it's so hard because it's like i like one person that's like my age so it's like trying to figure out where to go to make friends. It's a frame of mind. You kind of have to stop.

You have to say, Aubrey needs to make more friends. So whatever that is, you do things. You join clubs, recreational sports. I don't know, an art class. You just put yourself out there. You put out that energy that you are open and wanting to make some more friends. And you should. And I'd be really curious what you think about like your world around you as you explore and open up new possibilities it might bring your

relationship closer because it just reaffirms your love for this guy or you might like wonder like am I in my life do I love this person am I holding on this relationship so much because like I just I've decided this is what I want to be in. And I don't really know anything else, you know? And that can be a little scary sometimes to do, but like, uh, my big picture advice to you is stop acting like you're 60. Um, and like, as if your life is like pretty much done and like,'re just gonna like coast through it um people who are 60 are probably the most adventurous you know they have that perspective i will tell you what somebody told me control your mood don't allow your mood to control you there you go that's like

that my big picture to you because i you are you a tourist uh i guess i don't know wait no it was your birthday oh am i wait i'm sorry i didn't hear what's your birthday oh december 27th okay you're sagittarius or capricorn capricorn capricorn okay okay what does that mean rachel no i'm just i thought i usually i'm like okay you think you think like me we're really stubborn or really yeah you're a tourist but no you're a capricorn okay um anyways adjust your. Don't allow your mood to adjust you. Is that what I said? Yeah. Control your mood. Don't allow your mood to control you. Okay. Yeah. Just be open. You have so much life in front of you and there's going to be a lot of new adventures and it's going to be good and scary and bad sometimes, but I think you need to be open to that possibility

that your life is not as planned out as you've been telling yourself for the past few years. And that doesn't mean you're not going to end up with this guy or not, but you truly don't know. And I think the world is going to be a lot more exciting when you're open to that possibility. Yeah, I agree. I'm coming to realize that a little more that I can't plan everything.

So, yeah, listen, I didn't figure that out until years later. So don't beat yourself up. Yeah. Yeah. Well,

so all right. Yeah. Well, thank you. Best of luck. You're welcome. And you're a total babe. Like you shouldn't have any insecurities.

Thank you. I appreciate it. All right. You're welcome. All right. Bye. How's it going? Hi, my name is Sierra. I am 27 years old. Hi, Sierra. Hi. How can we help? So I'm calling in today because I have a, um, I've been having some issues with my husband's past affecting my current relationships with family

and friends. And we've been, gosh, we've been together for six years and he is 10 years older than I am. So about 15 years ago, he was involved in the porn industry. And yeah, so he told me about it day one, first date. And when he told me, I thought it was going to be the way he made it sound. I thought he was going to tell me like he killed somebody. And I was like, oh my gosh. So when he told me, I was actually like relieved. That's the way to do it right you know hey

I got some terrible news for you uh you know when people people are just like oh can I tell you something no don't be mad all right I don't and then you're like I'm gonna be five minutes late uh you're like oh thank god no no problem man anyways go ahead so anyways uh just fell in love with the person that he was and um our marriage is great uh we have three kids um under the age of five uh so very busy and um we lately and really since we started uh dating we've been getting like harassed via facebook instagram any kind of social media um Even from strangers? From strangers.

They make fan accounts of him, and then they'll post it on comments on my family members' Facebooks, and they'll search us out. And it's been very difficult. And my immediate family knows most of them know um there is a catch though that i didn't include in my message to you um so he not only was involved in straight porn but he also dabbled in gay porn and that is where i feel most people have the issue um and i guess i just want to know like i'm having a really hard time handling it and giving responses and maintaining relationships with people

um when they have such a negative feedback towards me. I mean, people didn't come to my wedding when they found out, you know, really close family members. And I understand, I understand it's difficult for people to comprehend. But if anyone knew, I mean, people know the kind of person he is and it's part of his past. It's not who he is now.

It's in the past. And I hope people just can move forward from it. But it's been a struggle. It's definitely been a struggle in our relationship with other people. And, you know, just doing the best I can. And I wanted to know your advice because sometimes I feel like... In terms of how to handle the whole situation. How to handle when people give me feedback and negative responses and how to

maintain like a strong relationship with my husband. Um, when I am having such a hard time with people that are so close to me and relationships and, you know, my son and my kids come first and I don't want this affecting them, um, negatively in the future as well. So, um, it's interesting. So it's funny. Uh, I don't know if you follow my questions with Nick on my Instagram. So like, this is like the long form in my Instagram. I kind of give these abrupt opinions. If I, if you wrote me in onto my questions with Nick, I would have,

my advice would be two words, fuck them. You know, that would be my advice. Big picture wise, that would, you know, it's a, that's kind of is my advice is from what you're telling me, and correct me if I'm wrong, you love your husband, you love your family, whether you like what his past is about or not, you love the person that he is, and, you know, he who hasn't sinned casts the first stone kind of thing. You know what I'm saying?

So, you know, life is about prayer, prioritizing what's the most important to you. And sometimes we do have to make very tough choices as it relates to other relationships we have in our life. And I, you know, I'm a firm believer. I said it already in this podcast, relationships and friendships come and go just like everything else. And, um, it's not your job to sit there and convince other people of being as understanding as you have chosen to be. Is it sad? Yeah. And does that mean that some people are going to leave your life? Yeah, it sucks. But you got to follow your heart and you got to protect what's most important to you. And if what's your most important to you is your husband and your kids, then that needs to be your priority. And I would,

my advice to you is wouldn't waste a lot of energy splitting your energy into trying to make all these other relationships work. And I think that's what's probably draining you and driving you crazy is trying to like make everyone happy in this situation. Right. And you're trying to empathize with everyone else's point of view and trying to understand why. I mean, I get why, you know. And listen, it's your lifestyle is not for everyone. Your compassion and your empathy towards your husband

is not for everyone. And I'm not here for the people listening to like, and there's probably a lot of listening to be like, fuck, I couldn't fucking do that. I mean, you know what? Good for you that you don't have to be. Right. But there's probably a lot of listening to be like fuck i couldn't talk fucking do that i mean you know what good for you that you don't have to be right uh but there's a difference between having someone say i couldn't do that it's not for me and and then you know casting judgment and harassment the same thing like rachel and i talked about in the band in this podcast this is like you know you can either choose to like show hate and and harass people thinking

that you're doing something good by calling them out because they don't live your life or to the, you know, whatever your faith is. And if they, you know, if people want to use God as an excuse to why they might be harassing you because it goes against their lifestyle, again, like, you know, Jesus hung around, you know know prostitutes and criminals so people just are insecure at themselves and

maybe the people around you had a plan for you who gives a shit what their plan for you was it's your life you can do whatever the hell you want with it

and I know what I'm saying is in a lot of places easier said than done but I think if that is your mind frame and you protect the things that you love the most, I think you will feel a lot less stress and trying to please everybody else. No, I think you're absolutely right. And it's just very frustrating because

it is such a part of his past. And I feel like everybody has a past and everybody does things they, for whatever reason they did them, you know, doesn't define who they are now. And I believe that. I believe that people are, you know, things happen and people are, you know, generally good. I mean. I'll be honest. I've often wondered. I've watched porn.

I watch porn. Don't get me wrong. And I've thought to myself, what's next for these people, you know? I watch porn, don't get me wrong. And I've thought to myself, what's next for these people, you know? And I, you know, I say this now and 22 year old Nick was very different than Nick now in a sense that like,

I grew up very conservative and I remember one of my first girlfriends, total babe, I thought she was beautiful. And she told me when early in our relationship that there was a part of her that had this goal to pose for playboy. And I was just, I mean, granted she hadn't, she just told me that was like something she thought would be cool. And I was beside myself. And I remember like, we argued about this all the time. I didn't even like the idea that she liked to fantasize about it. Right. Like I, and I was

very judgmental and very critical. And now it's just like, I don't, you know idea that she liked to fantasize about it. Right. Like I, and I was very judgmental and very critical. And now it's just like, I don't, you know, if I fall in love with someone and you know, I was talking to a girl once who, um, she was just like,

I took a nude when I was younger and my, and then we broke up and my ex-boyfriend sent it to his friends. And if you Google me, it's out there. And I was like, well, he's a dick, but I don't care. You know what I'm saying? Like you just, you adjust. And these people who knows what their belief systems are,

but it's a wild thing. And yeah, I mean, I'm rambling, but I just think it's important. I think it's good for you for doing this. and you sound really in love and happy in your relationship. And I think that's an amazing thing. You know, we're, we're very happy, very, I mean, we have three awesome kids and, you know, we live a very normal, I mean, life is very successful. I, you know, I just, you know, we're very happy, you know, overall, it's, it's just that, that thing that keeps creeping up and I'm really like fricking irritated, you know, that just people have so many negative things to say and that it bothers me so much and,

you know, shouldn't. So I think that first of all, we're happy, you're happy and you look happy. And I think that that's the bottom line and Nick summed it up so well. So I really that first of all, we're happy, you're happy and you look happy. And I think that that's the bottom line. And Nick summed it up so well. So I really don't have much to say other than this. What sucks is, is that this is the past, but it's public. So they feel that they can judge you because it's something that they know when behind closed doors, who knows? You know what I mean?

Like they could have been watching it. You like, you, you never know. And the? Like they could have been watching it. You never know. And the thing is, is I feel like if these are your friends, if this is your family and they know you and they know your heart and they've seen how beautiful your relationship is and the three beautiful kids that you've had from it, if you're explaining to them how this makes you feel and how it's hurting y'all's relationship, if they're your true friend, if they really love you, I feel like they can get past it. You know, it might be hard for them to accept,

but if you just pour your heart out, I can't imagine that they would still hold that, the past against you. Especially, again, I don't know what their beliefs are, especially if they're so-called Christians, because that isn't even what Christians are supposed to be practicing. I feel like with time, things will get better for you. Thank you for that.

So wild that I can only assume the people who are aware of who your husband is clearly watch porn. Exactly. Hands down, they've watched it. That's how they know who he is you know i mean it's like let's follow the breadcrumbs you know like the curiosity if nothing else they went back for sure yeah you know i mean i i you know it's that's just the world we live in it's sad It's not an excuse. People are so afraid of things that are different. And again, I say this, I've been that person before. I've been the judgmental person.

I say this, I'm thinking about it. I mean, man, we fought all the time, me and my girlfriend, for her desire of finding it. And would you do it? I was like thinking about breaking up with her because it was like, she wanted to do this. And that was just- Now you would brag about that. Kind of turned me on if I'm being honest.

See, everything changes with time. So yeah, listen, just protect what's most important. And I know that's easier said than done. But little things like if there's people on social media, is Facebook that important to you? No. I would just get off of it. It's going to be out there and you just have to, again, you love him for who he is. You knew this going in. I got to assume that you assumed at some level there would be judgment. I did. I definitely underestimated it. I went in thinking the people that I love and the people that love me will understand because they'll see what we have and who he is. And I guess I was a little naive at the time. I mean, that was six years ago, 21 years old. Sure. But listen, I'm not a parent, so I'm not trying to give you parental advice, but

protect the people you love the most, right? It is something you're going to have to address with your kids and people are going to come at your kids. So focus your energy on your family and prepare them for this. And the stronger you are with your conviction and the better place that your heart and mind is on this topic, it're going to be, it's going to be better for you and your children. If you're projecting a level of tornness between your family and your critics, then I think your kids will probably sense that a little bit and feel like maybe they should feel some shame. So I think you really want to hold your head high and not let your kids feel any shame that certainly, unfortunately, people are going to try to make them feel. And I think, you know, if you really focus on that energy,

it will help you deal with that and where your priorities lie. Okay. Yeah, no, I'm totally agree with that. No, you're right. Thank you. Thank you for- It's a wild story. I i um i wonder if i'm familiar with his work you know we actually nick what we met you before did we where do you really want me to tell the whole well i do i can always not i can always not air this yeah i'm just kidding. I was at, um, uh, Caitlin Bristow's, uh, live. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I didn't, I didn't recognize them. Um, but, uh, I think that's, I listen, I, uh, I think it's wild. I've,

I've grown to be so fast with, you know, different life choices and things like that. And clearly your husband, we're always maturing and growing as people. I am curious though, have you watched some of his stuff? The first time he told me, I went home and I got with my best friend at the time. And we sat down and we watched it on like a very tiny phone about as far as my arms can reach away from his face and I did I watched it I wish I did it but you know still didn't really bother me we still went on a second date so I'm kind of curious if it turned you on and who knows I'm a freak so I don't know didn't necessarily know okay but he did and so that's what i think was important you know that's good

um yeah uh you're listen so many we get you're familiar with this podcast a lot of people call in with uh problems about their love lives and the people they're in relationships with and that seems to be the least of your problems and so so in a lot of ways, you're fortunate and be thankful of that. And there's a lot of people like to say, only God can judge you, which isn't true. People judge all the time, but his opinion is the only one that matters.

And so I don't even know if you're religious and it doesn't really matter. And I don't know why we're talking about God so much on this particular call. But my point is people obviously, like we're not at, I'm a Christian, Rachel's a Christian, but we all know that some Christians like to like invoke their religion when they're casting judgment on other people.

Especially when it comes to things like this. You're happy, you're good hearted. And we'll all, when we die someday, figure out exactly how we're going to be judged. And we'll all be like, wow, I didn't really know that that was a sticking point. So like, cool. Yeah, no,

definitely. My, yeah. So, all right. All right. Well, thank you.

Thanks so much for calling in. I think you're both wonderful people. Thank you. All right. Take care. Have such a great day. Thank you. You too.

Bye bye. That was wild. It's great. That's interesting. I love that it didn't bother her. How's it going? Hey, my name's Bitsy. I'm 27 and I live in Kansas City.

Awesome. How can we help, Bitsy? Okay. Well, one, welcome to my inner psyche. It's very terrifying. So my question is kind of, I'll shorten it. The last relationship that I was in was I was 16. So obviously, I'm 27. It's, you know, been 11 years. And I always thought that my dating life was

pushed back because I used to be about 300 pounds. So then I lost a bunch of weight. And I got confident. So that was when I was 24 is when I started that. And then I started dating. And you know, that's the time of Bumble, Hinge, all that stuff. So I did a bunch I started that. And then I started dating and you know, that's the time of Bumble, Hinge, all that stuff. So I did a bunch of online dating and I still haven't found anyone to even, I would say like, even like a two month relationship, it still hasn't been something of any sort of significance. And I'm wondering, is it one where I'm living? Cause I live in Kansas city. So something I'm looking for is my my all my best guy friends are gay my roommate my best friend is a gay man and in Missouri in the you know the Midwest a lot of conservative people are here so a lot of guys I'll date will say that

they're fine with um the LGBTQIA community and all that and then they end up making comments and like backhanded comments and actually not being okay with it. And so I'm wondering, do I need to change my strategy towards dating or is moving like so dramatic to want to say, think I should move somewhere else when I'm not finding something? Uh, I mean, moving is dramatic. Yeah. Okay. I grew up in Milwaukee. I grew up in Milwaukee and I would say that Milwaukee and Kansas city are probably not too far off in terms of the makeup of the city. And you're right. There's a, you're going to find ignorance and bigots anywhere you go.

Sadly. ignorance and bigots anywhere you go um sadly um and um there's a part of that that might play a role my guess is there's probably other things playing a role too um you know we have a way of projecting your own insecurities i'm curious you know do you talk a lot about how you how much you used to weigh it early in your in the dating process with the guys you're going on dates with? It's interesting because I just got comfortable talking about it. I would always keep it as a card close to me because whenever I was that weight, it obviously... It's embarrassing for me because it's kind of like anorexia people look at and they're like, that's a disease. I feel bad for someone.

But when someone's obese, it's not to feel bad for. It's like you're gross kind of, you know? And so I always thought people would judge me for that. Yeah. I mean, listen, I'm not saying you should or shouldn't talk about it, but I just, you just want to be mindful of not wearing it like a scarlet letter in terms of like, it doesn't define who you are. Certainly it was something that you dealt with for a long time. And I'm sure you have some scars about how people treated you and how you felt about yourself or insecurities you might've had. But, you know, those are things that when we had, whether insecurities we have, we have a way of projecting that onto our relationships. Right. Um, I'd be, have you ever talked to like, have you ever talked to like have you ever talked to like a healthcare professional or you know i'm not saying you need to but like that can be traumatic i mean

i have i've i've i've you know i've talked with people people all talk with people we always project our own shit onto new relationships and that's why i asked that as like if it's something you in the way you talked like you just talking, you started getting emotional about it. That's okay. Right. But I'm saying is we carry these things into relationships. Right. And sometimes early in relationships, other people in relationships will sense that.

Right. And sometimes that can be scary with people. That doesn't make it okay. I'm not justifying their actions, but, you know, people, it takes a special person to, you know, who loves you and connects with you. And the big picture is like, listen, you're still young. You haven't found the right person yet. This is kind of a repetitive thing that we talk about. Like, listen, you're not damaged goods. You're 27. Oh my God. Like you have so much time and have you you know dated a lot of guys that weren't right for you yeah sure you know there's always more people out there that are not right for us than are right

for us so just you know playing the numbers we're gonna have what feels like worse luck question yeah question how long when did you say you started getting on like the dating apps and stuff? When I was 24. Okay. So for three years, you've been out here dating. Like Nick said, this is the time to have fun with it. I wouldn't take it too harsh that nothing has stuck in the three years. It's not the city that you're in. I've personally been to Kansas city and it can be really popping.

Y'all have like this square. I cannot think of what it's called. There's popping. Y'all have like this square. I cannot think of what it's called. There's shopping, there's restaurants, the plaza, great barbecue. It's great barbecue. It's popping. You have Superbowl now. I mean, there's like a lot, there's a lot to appreciate about Kansas City. So definitely don't move because of the place. But I just think that don't rush it. Don't overthink it. Just enjoy it right now. Just have a good time I mean if if you're dating people or going out with people who are critical To a lifestyle that that you're very close to

um, or that You know, it targets your friends then those aren't the people for you But I think that you just continue to have a good time to meet people to you know You're just now coming into your own, you know, like congratulations to you, by the way, seriously. And I just think that you should just enjoy it and have a good time. I don't think that it's as, like we said, first thing, both Nick and I said, it's not as drastic as moving.

It's going to go move to chase a relationship. And I think the moment that you stop looking for it, it'll just come to you. I think it's so innately within us to want to do things on our time and get it when we want it. But it doesn't have to be that way. So I just think just be present, enjoy the moment, don't overthink it, and have such a good time doing it. And that could be three or four years from now. People always make the mistake when their friends are like, listen, as soon as you stop trying, it's going to happen. And then someone goes, okay, I'll stop trying. And then a week later, like it hadn't fucking

happened yet. You know, like, um, that's me. Yeah. Yeah. So all of us, it's all of us. And so, yeah. And be proud of who your friends are, uh, your own internal, you know, things that you have, like, just don't get in your head. And I say that being a heady person about you are who you are. And the person you fall in love with, you're going to want them to appreciate who you are and your past and things like that. It's just the reason why I brought up the other stuff is like, I sense you getting emotional and there's nothing wrong with getting emotional. But there's nothing also wrong with, you know, just trying to address those emotions you have. Do you have insecurities about it still that you project? You know, I don't know, right? But there's nothing wrong with saying if you do, and there's nothing wrong with addressing any

confidence issues you might still have, or, you know, I don't know. But just don't, in the meantime, while you're having fun, as Rachel says, this is also a great time in your life to really focus on you again, and on all aspects of your life, your mental health, your confidence in yourself, your career. And when you, again, as Rachel pointed out,

when that is your energy, when you're focusing on yourself, you're kind of being selfish with self-care in your life and your career, that's when something's gonna pop in, when you're focusing on yourself, you're kind of being selfish with self care and your life and your career. That's when something's going to pop in when you're like, I don't have fucking time for this guy, you know, and you won't even be thinking about it. Right.

But you're, yeah, it sounds like you have this, you know, as we all do, the relationship seems to be the big priority for you right now. And there's nothing wrong with that. And that's okay.

But I think if you change your priorities about uh continue to for self you know continue on your self-care and your career and your friends that someday down the road uh this will happen and i'm not saying get off dating apps but just you know that's something you do when you're bored and you're like sitting shotgun in a car while you know you're on a drive you know it's not that it's not part of your routine um and you just kind of take take a breath and um go from there is blonde still open in the plaza i don't know i don't i don't think so because i don't know what that is it I mean, but the pause is amazing. No, but I feel like I do put a lot of pressure on myself in general just to find

a relationship. I really needed you guys to tell me I was young because it feels like I'm rapidly aging. But it's just, you know, I don't know. All my friends are either in relationships or getting married or have been married. Congratulations to them. Some of them will be single, married or not in the. Congratulations to them.

Some of them will be single, married or not, in the future. I know people in their third marriage. I'm willing, not knowing anything about your friends, I'm willing to bet everything I have financially on the fact that some of them will be single again. I should agree with that. Yeah, there's some weddings I was like so you just got to stop comparing yourself to your friends who some of which are probably envious of the freedom that you have yeah don't project my things i'm sure i do project project things that i'm not even really thinking about that i do without realizing it i get a sense that you do and that's totally fine but don't be afraid to look into that.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. All right. Best of luck. Have fun.

Thank you. All right. All right, Betsy. Take care. Bye-bye. Bye guys. Rachel,

this has been so much fun. So much fun. I'm so glad we got to do this. We need to have like quarterly talks at a minimum. We need to do this. You're always welcome back on The Vile Files. Yes. Hopefully it's not as heavy of a topic.

I know. But we can just have fun. It's fine. I really appreciate you coming. Can you bring me, wait, wait, really quickly. Can you bring me on to talk about, I've never watched seasons that you were on prior. So when they do this Bachelor Greatest Seasons Ever,

I'm sure one of the seasons has come on. Can you bring me on to talk so I can give my opinion about you? Fuck yeah. I think we are going to recap the recaps. I don't know. I've never seen you in that way. I only know you from being on your season and beyond.

So I can't wait. Yeah. Welcome back. Be great. Don't hold back. You know, I mean, my,

it'll be fun. Thank you for coming on Rachel. And thank you all for listening. We appreciate it. Thank you for taking the time to listen, learn. I hope you found this helpful and fun, obviously, but on the top half of the show, learn. I hope you found this helpful and fun, obviously,

but on the top half of the show, educational. And if you are someone who, you know, have thought while listening to this, maybe you've said something or done something that you thought is ignorant, it's okay. I mean, it's not okay, but like we make mistakes and that's okay and we can learn from it. And that's, I think, the goal.

And hopefully we're all better for it. So with that being said uh appreciate listening uh and check us out on wednesday have a great day