The Viall Files - E134 Ask Nick - What Is It About Me? With Adam Ray

Episode Date: June 1, 2020

On this episode of Ask Nick we have comedian and fellow Kast Media Podcast Host Adam Ray with us to bluntly answer your questions. Today we have a woman whose boyfriend's ex-wife stays in his home when she brings the kids for visitation, An ex-Mormon in an open marriage, someone whose friends with benefits lifestyle is leading to self sabotage, and is logic keeping one woman from living in the moment? “Baby mama drama is a great Hootie and the Blowfish 90’s cover band name.“ Send your questions to [e-mail]. Thank you to our sponsors: Each & Every : eachandevery.com/viall CODE: VIALL Liquid IV: liquidiv.com CODE: VIALL  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what's going on everybody welcome to another episode of the vile files i'm your host nick i have my producer chrissy in the background uh we have a great guest who's gonna help me answer some questions uh our Ask Nick episodes. My friend, Adam Ray. How are you doing, Adam? Yeah, I'm awesome, man. I'm ready to help learn about love and help some struggling civilians figure out how to better themselves in this pandemic party that we're going through right now. It's a rough time for relationships, but they're still trucking along.

And I think you and I together can help find the answers. Save the world. Yeah. Adam is a very talented and very funny comedian that I met Adam. Wow, man, it's been like four years now. I was doing a press tour right after I got done recording Paradise. And it was me, Adam, and Jason Darula of all people. It was like,

Oh, by the way, like, who are these? Like, I was like, how, like,

what is like, it was fun. I mean, it was pretty funny for extra. Yeah. It was like a, what women want a thing. It was like,

we were all supposed to give, I guess, Chris Thompson, the host was asking us how to, you know, get basically some insight into what dudes are thinking. Um, so yeah. So, uh, Adam, so Adam is now part of the cast family,

and I was on his podcast that by the time this comes out, I think my podcast will be already out. So make sure to check that out about last night. And yeah, Adam's doing a bunch of things. He's a really funny guy, And like myself, he's single and he's dated and he's out there and he's made a lot of mistakes. And through mistakes, we learn a lot about ourselves. And he's got friends who've made some mistakes and et cetera, et cetera.

So I thought Adam would be a fun person to help us answer some questions and share some insight and his sense of humor as well. So yeah, I mean, before we get started, Adam, how is your love life? Great. Actually, I'm not single. You're not? No.

Fuck me. Yeah, but I will not. I'm in a relationship. But yeah, this is why I think I am a good addition to this episode because I've got some... How long have you been in a relationship? It's been a few years now. Yeah. this is why I think I am a good addition to this episode because I've got some look I've been in a relationship it's been a few years now yeah it

started off no keep it in keep it in were you you don't do you I mean I follow you on social like is that you don't put it out no we you know I post I posted probably I don't know once every three weeks maybe month it was actually mildly proud of her and your relationship put it out no are she on no we you know i post i posted probably i don't know once every three

weeks maybe month okay it was actually mildly proud of her and your relationship no i mean look that's that's that is actually a part of relationships i think gets uh a little carried away it's brushed under the uh rug and also gets a little carried away but it's you know i have friends that are married that never post their wives i have friends that are engaged and never post these are comedians I'm speaking of. And it's just something that I – there's a little bit of an age gap for us, about 12 years. And it's something that I'm like, all right, well, all the people that I want you to know in my life, you know, and they know you. So to blast you out to the world doesn't,

that's just never something that I've thought about. Cause I didn't, you know, she's a much more a part of that, um, social media era. So it's just, it's, it's taken some time for me to get, uh, aware of so that I'm like, okay, cool. Like it goes a long way. It's like, doesn't mean I'm not thinking about, or don't want people to know about you, but I get that. I need to do it to, to let you know that that's right. Cause you're like, well, girls don't know. And I'm like, well, I'm not getting those messages that you think I'm getting. And if they are from fans, it's like, I mean, I got this one that popped up and she saw it on Instagram and it was like, you know, I freaking love you. Like, hey, howdy, when are you, blah, blah, blah. I showed her the picture. It was like a woman in her late

50s with like face tattoos and I was like, babe, this is like what's coming through. Like, this is my demo. Don't sweat it. So again, it's just a dude move of being like, I'm not I've, all the people that should know you, know you, and that's important to me.

Right? Not making sure that the world But should know you know you and that's important to me right not you're right and there's a world too yeah but yeah but then you have to i get her uh thing of like well then why wouldn't you do it and it's like for sure and it's like well because i just do it's all it's just promo like i social media is just no i tell you and also people can people can go the opposite direction too much it's's like, yeah, excited. You're looking loving your Instagram, but you hate each other in real life. Yeah. Yeah. But I think we found a good balance. But hey, man, I mean, I've had my single days and long distance relationships and short ones.

And so I feel comfortable with that. I wouldn't have said yes to being on the show if I didn't feel like I had a, a point of view to come at you. I wasn't, I wasn't worried about you. So wait, you're 12 years old in her and you've been in a few years.

So how old was she when you met? 22. Okay. Did you like, how like, did you have, were there like, no,

not reservations reservations but more importantly like at the olive garden i've talked about i date younger women sometimes too i get self-conscious about it uh i get so if you can turn your mic on for your laughs that would really help nick's just kind of blowing through that joke all right go ahead yeah no i am um and uh but at the same time me too it's just like, did you guys experience, um, uh, a difference in kind of perspectives on where you're at in your lives and how did you handle that? Like when she was 22, you started dating, like there's still like, we even talk about

on the show, like, was she still at a point where she was kind of like figuring herself out as a person and how'd you balance it out being in a relationship? Totally. I, well, I, you know, she's another one of these, I think kind of like, a relationship totally i want you know she's another one of these i think kind of like uh you know just where she's mature for her age uh but you can't discount the fact that life experience is not on her side so there is a lot of whether it's growing up it's absorbing um life experience so that you can kind of start to develop like a point of view, which stand up is very comparable to life, which is why I think it's such a great school

for life. Because once you like the more that you develop your point of view on stage or even for podcasting you with the show and it's like the more that you better yourself as a person because you start to decipher for yourself like what you like, what makes you a person because you start to decipher for yourself what you like, what makes you mad, what you need to work on about yourself and hold a mirror up. I don't have really a problem. It's almost like sometimes with someone who's watching sports for the first time and you have to tell them some of the rules out of the game. There's things that she hadn't seen, like the separating of a best friend or being away from her folks for this amount of time. Things like that that are easy things to kind of just share your own experience with.

And it never was like a big deal or a deterrent for me to be like, oh, well, yeah, you haven't seen that before. So here's, here's why you're feeling that about this with your friend. Like you guys like friends change, blah, blah, blah, this and that. So that never like irked me to, to have to dive into that with her and still doesn't, but you know, sweetest person on planet earth. So supportive of what I'm doing. All the emotional, physical stuff is there. And, and,

and also like, you, I think I don't get upset having to... I don't have to push her in a direction to find... She's super passionate about what she's doing. And she's very like, get out of my way. I'm doing my shit and we can do our things but but like to be together and and i couldn't be with someone who didn't have drive right because it's just like that's what i kind of like rest all my shit on and and and sometimes to a fault to where it's like too that way and you need to kind of bounce it out and and and take a step

back and be more present with with her but um yeah i don't mind having to like when she's got questions about life things like hey what should i do with this like a lot of it she figured out on her own because she's uh capable but i guess it's it doesn't it hasn't yet bothered me to be like well here's what you fucking do like just make this choice do that like here's what i would do you know so also like you can do that at any point in your life too totally totally um awesome man well thanks we'll see we'll see we could break up tonight well um i'm glad you're bringing a lot of uh personal experience to these questions and we have a fun time talking to some callers and we have some fantastic stories um i think you're really really gonna enjoy this episode so uh we'll dive into it don't

forget to send your questions at asknickacastmedia.com cast with a k uh be sure to again check out adam and all the things that he's doing and uh yeah let's uh let's get to it i think i mentioned this to you guys before but i am allergic to aluminum uh in the deant. I don't know if you guys have that struggle, but I found out through my allergy of deodorant, there's a lot of traditional deodorants that have a lot of chemicals and toxins in them that are terrible for you. And then you, again, you put it on your skin,

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order when you use promo code VIALL at liquidiv.com. Get better hydration today at liquidiv.com, promo code V-I-A-L-L. You can also find it nationwide, again, at Target, Whole Foods, or Costco. How's it going? Hi, guys. My name is Dana. I'm 33. Hi, Dana, 33. How can we help? So I have a weird situation. I met my boyfriend officially shortly before quarantine. We'd actually matched on Tinder four years ago and exchanged Snapchats and had talked back and forth, like dated other people, whatever.

Just there was always there was like we were both working, like dated other people, whatever. There was always, there was like, we were both working out and sending gym snaps or whatever. So I knew we had kids and we finally met up and had drinks and hit it off. And it was like zero to a hundred in a week. So we're two and a half, three months in now of actually hanging out. He sleeps here almost every night. But one of his kids is with his ex-wife who lives four hours away. Okay. So she brings the kid up to drop him off to spend the summer. And this has happened twice now since we've been dating. And she's friends with the family and decides it's cool to hang out.

Last time it was for 10 days. Last time she got here Tuesday, so we're on day six and she's still hanging out. He lives with his dad and his aunt. And yeah, she's lonely. Keep going. Yeah. I mean, she lives with, he lives with his dad, his aunt, that help for childcare purposes when he's working or whatever.

So she's not crashing with you. No, she's crashing with him and his family. And we've had blowout arguments over this and almost split up when she got here. What happens when you said he's like spending all these nights over at your place? So when she's in town, where is he staying? The first time she was here, he was here every night. He'd go home during the day, hang out with the kids, whatever. When the kids went to bed, he'd come over here. This last time, the first day she got here, he was magically not coming over. Okay. What was his reason uh he said i want to stay and hang out with my kid they got in about

three o'clock in the afternoon okay well why can't you come by later yeah no sure sure like how long were you hanging out before this all you know how long you know you said a couple weeks and then all of a sudden she showed up? The first time was a couple weeks. He had a death in the family. She stayed for like 10 days. I was like, okay, that's extenuating circumstances. There's no really timetable for death, right? So she was definitely probably like, I can pull the sympathy card.

I got to be here for condolences purposes. But she sounds like overstaying her welcome and trying to use the kids as like, yeah, Sounds like overstaying her welcome and trying to use the kids as like, yeah, like the dad needs to see his kids. But it's like, no, no, no parent really wants to be on the kids for probably more than four hours. And this is based on my experience watching my sister with her kids who are great, but they're also pieces of shit. So I, again, feel like no parent would, you know, away from a break especially with someone who he's sharing you know who has shared sexy gym snaps with did you send any thirst traps while he was with his uh family to try to lure him away no no no they were never thirst traps like we both daved other people but uh no she has two children from her current marriage who she brings with her

and like the whole family stays except for her husband. And he says, well, I just ignore her. Dana, do you have kids? She's in the house. Do you have kids, Dana? You don't. Well, I mean, listen, I get why this is frustrating for you. Adam made some great points,

but the reality is you barely know this guy. You know, how many months? Yeah, like you, you don't really know that. Right. Yeah, that's right in that stage where it's like, you know, honeymoon. You guys are sending parts of your body that you didn't know that you were excited to send. Right. Like you've been down like that one corner of the couch

and you're like half nip, half crack, half toe. And he's like, dude, what's that toe up to right now? And you're like, all right, I guess we'll explore that when you get away from your kids, if you ever do. But it's also not truly, like Nick says, long enough to, I don't know, where like the level of upsetness should maybe be where it is for you Because it's like man we just

You're still I mean what's the guy's favorite cereal You know You know that Exactly you know I'm talking about like there you go And that's uh not that that Matters but you know there's things Like that where you're like all right maybe I don't know everything that I Should know if this is really going to be something. But also on the flip side,

I want to put devil's advocate and be like, you know, this two to three months is also the time where maybe things like this can pop up and for the better to let you know, like, all right, cool. Like maybe before I got so far into this leading with my heart that, that, uh, the universe is kind of being like, Hey, fucking here's a little obstacle course, double dare style that you got to fucking put on your goggles and try to

figure out how to get through. And you're like, all right, do I want to, or do I not? You know, I've got plenty more gym snaps that I can send to plenty other trainers. So,

you know, I'm Dana Johns, maybe fucking bust out some Papa Johns and send it over to his fucking wife and be like deuces you know the the important thing dana uh is that it's really pointless for you to argue with someone that as adam pointed out you don't even know his favorite cereal you know um i get why right you're in that you feel invested i feel like i've known you for 30 years you know but you don't right and when you don't know someone that much and then you start things move so fast and then now like it's one thing for things to move fast on a honeymoon phase

it's like i have all this sex and it's great you like, you speak in all these hyperbolic kind of things about like how you felt for him and you've been looking for him. And then reality sets in like real life, like kids and things like that and ex-wives and they come in. You're just wasting a lot of energy fighting with him, trying to like, you're, you know, you fight with people on these types of things when you're like really invested, when you're in an actual relationship, when you know them and you're trying to get them to understand your point of view, like you're still, what you are right now is learning about him, right? Right now he is showing you what his life looks like, what this, like this is the reality and you trying to argue with him and change his mind is like, what you are is this like stranger to this new situation being like, do this my way, right?

Like you can sit there and set boundaries. You can say, hey, listen, man, I'm learning about you. I don't know if I want this in my life. You have the option to leave, but you're trying to immediately change a guy you know very little about. And you're spending a lot of energy fighting with him. I mean, quite honestly, I mean, it sucks. But like, she has way more precedent than you do in this situation, right? Like, I mean, yeah, he might like his kids. I mean, you know, all jokes aside that this, he wants to spend time with his kids and who knows what, you know, maybe she's trying to use the kid as a way to get back.

I don't know. Maybe she's just like, listen, there's a familiarity there. His ex-in-laws are still the grandparents of his kids. You know, I have a brother who's divorced, and they still have a very good relationship with his ex-wife because, well, she brings the kids over to my parents' house, and they babysit, et cetera, et cetera. And that's very uncomfortable.

I get it. And it's really cramping your honeymoon style of like, oh, we have all this amazing sex, and we're just hanging out, and it's so hot, and it's great. What voice is that? Who's that guy, Nick? Yeah yeah i don't like that guy man yeah that fucking's awesome yeah yeah right well i think what nick's also getting at is that this guy is busting out a draw four card during a game of go fish you know i'm saying and you got to be like all right this guy doesn't know how to play fucking cards but it's early so can i let it go or should I get super bummed out about it? I do think baby mama drama is fucking not only a great, you know, 90s Hootie and the Blowfish cover band name, but it's also a very real element of relationships.

My sis goes through it still to this day with my brother in law. Like they some baby mamas got an agenda where they're like, my goal is to, you know, almost like a team that's playing with nothing to lose. And all they want to do is bust up a team's playoff chances like baby mamas are just like, let me just find a way to fuck this up because I can't have it. And I'm you know, my situation sucks. So there could be a little bit of that. So there could be a little bit of that. And, you know, getting some clarity from him would help on your part where it's like, yo, tell me that all I need really, which I found from my own relationships, is like just communicate. Go out of your way to tell me that it's not a big deal and that this girl is, you know, that the kids it's, you know, that relationship is what I care about. But I also care about us. care about but i also care about us you know just get that clarity from him and kind of just make him uh you know put his uh show his show his cards i guess and and let you know that it's

not a big deal he's actually said do you want to come meet her and i'm like i haven't even met the kids i don't need to meet the mom yeah no that's weird but but here's the thing too i agree with adam is is that you need to again instead of the, is that you need to, again, instead of the reality is, is you need to take a step back and try to better understand this situation, what's going on, like what the dynamic is and to say, Hey, listen, I'm just, this is, I'm, I'm new to this situation. I'm getting a little defensive. I just really like you, but he is showing you what a world, what a life with him is going to look like, right? And yes, to a certain degree, you can say what you want,

your expectations, but it's so new that you really, like you can, yeah, you should point out your expectations. You can say what you want, but you can't necessarily expect him to immediately change. You know, it's so early in a relationship that you have to be willing to put out what you want and then see if that fits with what he wants. You know what I'm saying? That's the reason why you're not married. There's a reason why like you have an easy out, right? Because you're still figuring out who this person is.

And then a lot of times you get really excited and there's a lot of chemistry, you have great sex, et cetera, et cetera. And then you realize, whoa, like this isn't gonna work. We want different things. I don't to deal with this person in your life. And he's just like, Hey, this person's not going away. And you can be like, well, I don't know if it's going to work. That's a, that's, this is reality. Uh, but you're wasting a lot of energy. Like all of a sudden, or three months in and being like, well, I don't like this and I don't like that. And why do you have to do this? And why do you have to do that?

And it's, you're, you're setting yourself up for failure. So the best thing you can do, like Adam said, is try to take a step back, communicate with him, just learn a little bit more about the situation and just see, you know, can you find a situation in this world where like you're, you're chill about it, you're cool with it and see if he's willing to go a little bit out of his way to make you feel comfortable makes sense that's the most you can do i'm just sitting here like when i sent my email it was like heat of the argument the night he didn't come over and i was livid oh man the best time to reach out is when you're emotionally unstable uh no, it is though. Because you're locked in.

You were down into what's going on. Are the kids cool? I've not. He's offered it up. And I feel like I need like I've dated men with girls and I know what to do. Like, oh, hair, makeup, whatever. He's got an 11 and a seven-year-old boy. I don't know what to do with that.

So I just I've kind of until quarantine's over and we can go do something fun, I'm kind of waiting. And that's the thing though, too, is like sometimes your anger just is coming from a place of you're really excited about this guy and maybe deep down you're realizing this isn't going to work out and you're upset about it. And that might be the reality, you know, I don't know, but I guess what I'm saying is you don't waste a lot of energy trying to drastically change this guy's life style because that's just not you're wasting your time yeah you're if you're already having big fights about this like right it's the only thing we fight about that's a big thing do you ever want kids i wanted to like foster or adopt when i was stable

enough like i'm in a phd program like i don't have time to be having children oh man you probably don't have time to try to be also cool stepmom you know yeah i mean maybe you do but like put your shit first like these kids these kids got that you know they've already got sounds like a pretty controlling mom you don't need to fucking try to be that too and and just in defense in defense to you know i'd say you know i'd take a step back and let him make the next move as far as like letting you know what's good but you know you seem you seem pretty rad and i don't i wouldn't sweat this dude yeah i mean don't get mad that like you you you, you fought, you fell for a guy who, like you said, you're like, well, this is the only thing we've thought about. That's a big thing.

You can't dismiss that. Right. He's not single. Uh, he's not, he, he doesn't not have kids, you know, and you, that's a big deal. You know, that's not going to change. And in a different time and a different life, it might've worked out with this guy and it still might, but it sounds like you're kind of like wishing he was single and didn't have the ex wife and, and could invest all his energy and time into you and the relationship. And that's understandable from your point of view, but it's not realistic. Right. And unfortunately in our thirties, that's just life. Most people have kids.

Yeah. Yeah. A lot of people don't too i mean i think just maybe just mix up your uh mixed up your site your your swipe sites but um i don't know this you know if you guys connected pretty early and you found a click two months in that to me speaks volumes about you meaning that like you're pretty down and open and willing to jump into something if it if it looks dope. So, you know, I don't know if that's consistent with how you always are, if you're willing to kind of like lead with the heart and not the brain. No, I have not had a serious relationship since 2011 until this guy. Yeah. So you're invested. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's cool. Well, guess what? You have to. There's probably a really cool saying here. Like you can't drink. You can't find out how much your tolerance is until you drink a Zima and a Four Loko. All right. So the point is, you don't know how much you're willing to invest in a relationship after this. You didn know until you did this one you know i'm saying so you took a step forward by jumping in with this guy and now you're kind of

finding out they're like all right man well you know there's some some other variables but at least now i know that i'm i'm in the uh you know the uh i got into the club now i just got to find the vip room where fucking big dick eric is you know yeah that makes sense does that make sense i feel like you did you did yourself yeah jumping in with this guy and now you're opening yourself up for something better basically what adam is trying to say doing a great job by the way like listen you've uh opened yourself up it's been a long time since you like someone and you're just like you got fucking excited and you were jacked up and like thrilled and then you quickly learn that it wasn't as perfect as you hoped and thought it might be. And you're sad

and bummed. And now you're running the risk of forcing a situation and putting like, you know, the square peg in a round hole type of thing. And again, I'm not saying you should break off, but be what Adam is saying, be open to the possibility that this isn't your guy. And don't let this disappointment stop you from going back out there, but be excited. The fact it's like, all right, now I'm warmed up. You know, I, uh, you know, a little preseason game. Now I'm ready for now. Listen, I'm not against that guy having kids, but now I need to be aware of the fact that if I meet a guy with kids, I can't really assess the relationship until I better understand that, you know, dynamic. What's the situation with the ex, you know, you know, et cetera, et cetera.

That makes sense. You, you ran before you walked. And a lot of people do when they get excited about someone they like. That's what I was trying to say. Thanks, Nick. This is your show. That was the analogy I was looking for.

All right. Dana, I really appreciate it. I think it's going to be fine. Keep us updated. Probably not your guy, but you never know. But just don't be afraid to take a step back, ask some good questions.

All I'm saying is, the big thing is, when you get mad and you want to fight with this guy, that is such a waste of your time and energy. It's just, you're not going to accomplish anything. That makes sense. Well, thanks guys. All right. Best of luck. All right. Bye. Thank you. Adam, I know you talked a lot about the little bit. I do know you're close with your sister.

You have a niece and a nephew or a few or just one. Thanks for doing research. Yeah, I've got two twin nieces and a nephew and then a couple, I guess, what you call step nieces. It's my brother-in-law. So he's got three kids from two different moms. And then my sister and brother-in-law had one together because her kids, my twin nieces are from a different dad. So they were like, let's have one together so that we aren't just bringing in.

And so you've dealt with some of this or is this outside of this? I have peer mediated for my sister and brother-in-law for the last, you know, what, six, seven years and and just been in the middle of all the baby mama drama. you know, what, six, seven years and and just been in the middle of all the baby mama drama. And it's to some of these gals just I mean, you know, my brother in law would go over to the house to, you know, tuck in one of the kids or bring some stuff over and then maybe end up hanging for 20, 30 minutes with the kid or who knows, discussing child support shit with the mom. I mean, you know, again, these gals were cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, and he just needed to do a better job of relaying to my sis, like, you know, things are fine. But these girls, like one of them would send over, I think,

old pics or something of, like, her and my bro-in-law to be like, because, you know, now 30, 40 minutes go by, and he's not home, and she's like, this is why, motherfucker. You know, it's like there's some deviant shit out there that some of these gals are capable of. So it's like, I don't know. That's why I immediately was getting palpitations of thinking about her trying to jump into that and be on the receiving end of like it just sounds like murky waters you don't you don't want to

be swimming in but yeah you know two to three months that's such again that's such a tricky time because you're like i i don't care i'm i don't know i'm like i'm not in love but then like he hasn't texted for an hour and you're like what what is it about me? You know, it's like she's so in this middle ground. It's like in tennis. They call it no man's land. We're like, you're in the middle of the court and you're like not really prepared for a for a, you know, a hard shop. for a volley so she's in this in this kind of time frame where it's like emotions are high and she's got to like make a choice like you were saying to either step back and ask some questions or just cut it off before it gets before you get even more invested and you're like now i'm just now it's going to control me and whether it works out with this guy or not i'm going to be you know refreshing his facebook page you know that and the fact that she like hasn't dated in a while she's just like it's like that kind of pot committed she's like well i've already i've already lost i've already bet a hundred dollars i have to like i have to get i have to

you can't walk away now you know yeah off the table yeah for sure um so fun stuff i think we helped her i think she's yeah i think uh we've given her permission to break up with the guy sometimes we pretty much did is that are you supposed to do that i like how at the end you're just like yeah i don't think it's gonna work out but you know you can figure that out for yourself i was like all right is that fucking is that advisor just a harsh stance yeah yeah you know sometimes i just kind of throw it in there you have to you got to be blunt because uh you know sometimes people aren't willing to to you know tell themselves that so if they hear it from somebody especially someone they look up to and want to and want to bone you know then that helps for sure you know

how's it going hi i'm britney i'm 26 um i've been married for seven years to my husband uh i got married when i was 19 i was like I'm pretty good at math, but I wasn't. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was 19. We knew each other for six. So we met and then got married was like a six month time period. So we met when I was 18. We were part. Yeah, I was 18 when we met and how old was he oh he was 22 i think so how far did he drive uh a 98 toyota camry yeah yeah that's how he locked you down dear dire oh yeah it's it's the best so um anyways we so we've been married for seven years. We were part of the Mormon church. I don't know if you've heard of that. Yeah.

So we were part of the Mormon church and we left about 10 months ago. We left that behind us. So we. Irish goodbye, the Mormon church. Yeah. We were just like, we're done. We can't anymore. All right.

We're done. Yeah., we also have three kids. So, so we've got three kids and we left this church. Um, and we got to talk with you, right? The kids came with us. Yeah. We, we kept them. We didn't stay at the church. Okay, cool. No, no, no. They came with us. So we got to talking and realized that we just never really dated anybody other than the two of us. We'd never, neither of us had been in relationships before. I got to ask real quick, who brought that up? Me, actually. For sure. Okay, keep going.

Yeah, I brought it up like two years ago, actually. I've been talking about this for two years um oh and then was it subtle or one night did you just like roll over in bed and be like have you ever thought about fucking anyone else no no it was i mean i'm pretty blunt person i'm pretty open so it was pretty it was pretty blunt i was just like look i gotta i want to go i want to go have sex with someone else. Like it's fine. And he was really like turned off by it at first. But, um, back in January. Yeah. I wonder why back in January, um, we decided just to go for it because both of us have never had these experiences of dating or drinking or anything. And we just wanted to like sexually explore and explore like our relationship

further. And we're both very good communicators. We talk about everything. It's, it's really easy for us to communicate and we're very open and we love each other and we have a lot of trust in our relationship. So we decided to just go for it. Who brought that up? In January? Yeah. Yeah, that was me.

Okay, so I'm curious. I mean, with the transition of, hey, babe, I have this desire, he was the first turned off and then fast forward to you guys leave the church and all of a sudden, did he give you reason to think that, or were you like, listen, I hope you're okay with it, but I really need to

do this. Yeah. It was more so that it was more so like, it was more so like, okay, look, here it is. Here's the thing. Like it came to a point to where it was like, I need to do this and I don't want to divorce you and split up our family. So it's going to be a situation of like, I want us to do this together and I want us to grow. And the more I talked about the experiences that I wanted and needed, the more he also realized, hey, I didn't get that either. And I want that too. And I have a lot of trust in you and I have a lot of trust in our relationship and I know that we can do it. And at the end of this, we can come together and be a stronger couple and, and be able

to look back on this time with no regrets and know that we had those experiences, but we still love each other and we're together and we're happy. Um, basically don't make me feel bad, sweetheart, about wanting to do this. So will you go do it too you know but also totally but also i mean beneficial for him as well right if you're doing like if you guys both get these new experiences and you know learn what you like and don't like then you can bring that back to the couch and hopefully find some common ground where are we where are we now you know that was in january now? You know, that was in January. So now

we're what? That was in January. Okay. Yeah. So that was in January. Okay. So since then, I met up with a guy. You had him on the back burner, right? Kind of, I guess. I don't know. No, it's, I just actually just met him like a couple of weeks ago. Oh, cool. Um, and he, um, he, so we met up, we had like an instant, like emotional connection. Um, we've had a lot of shared experiences. Um, and we had sex and had an intimate relationship. Um, and this is kind of where it starts to get a little bit iffy. Um, I, so these seven years I've been married to my husband, I thought like, I just, I'm a person that just doesn't enjoy sex. I don't like it. It's not enjoyable. It's kind of like a chore and I hate it. That's been like that since day one of having sex with my husband. Okay. So then i had sex with this other guy and that was not the case at all

um it was a fabulous experience and it's like when vegans finally eat meat they're like what have i been missing yeah yeah it's a great analogy figures like i don't know like i'm not i'm really not big i don't i don't really look forward to my meals. And it's like, that's because you eat cardboard. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I can't wait to, our vegan fans out there, we're kidding. Yeah.

Well, I'm actually vegan too. So there's that. Oh, there you go. There you go. Well, then you get it. I do. I do. I get it on very.

Wait, did, when you said shared experiences, was he also coming from a place of like, he wasn't in the same boat? Was he Mormon? Yeah, like needing to break out of his shell? No. No, no, no. He was, oh yeah, he's experienced. No, he was not Mormon.

But we just had a very similar childhood. Gotcha. So it was just like an instant connection. Sure. And honestly, I've only known him for a couple of weeks, but, you know, I feel like emotionally I've connected with him in ways that my husband and I never have been able to, because we just, we don't have a lot of common ground on anything really. My husband is very, um, timid and like reserved. So, um, it's, it's hard to emotionally connect with, with him on the level that I have with

this other guy. So we've emotionally connected and the sex has been great. The physical intimacy has been really good with this guy. So just back, you said the sex has been great implies that you've had sex with him multiple times. Yeah. Okay. Okay. So this is sounding less like an open marriage and more like a potential another relationship you are becoming emotionally, as you say, and physically invested in. Yeah. Yeah. And I think when people have open relationships from people I've talked to and books that I've read, it's more so like you can have like those one night

stands with people and just cross that off your list. But for me, it's more so like I need an emotional connection too. I can't just go have sex with somebody that I'm not emotionally connected to. I could. I just, I don't feel comfortable doing that. I mean, to be perfectly honest, you could and you probably, depending on the direction you go is sex is you have very limited experience. This is true. And regardless of the fact that you left your church, you still have that's that's all you know. And how you were raised and what you're taught about sex. You still probably have very conservative point of views despite this, you know, doing what you're doing.

Right. I don? Almost like necessity. My, you know, depending how it goes, like you need this emotional connection because there's still a little guilt, right? With you in terms of going out there and having sex with someone you aren't emotionally connected with. Like that's, it's probably more of that than anything else. But I actually am more curious about like, where are things with your husband now? Yeah. So like, does he get pumped your husband now? Yeah. So like, does he get pumped when you bring home the new tricks?

Like when you bring home something fun, is he like, where'd you learn that? And you're like, you know where I learned it and I'm not going to say his name. Yeah. That, that has happened actually.

Yeah. I have learned a few tricks for sure. But where is he emotionally? Where are the conversations with? Yeah. So, so emotionally with my husband. So he's kind of, you know, he moves a lot slower than I do.

And as a guy for him, it's harder to go out and have the experiences that I'm having. Because when a guy sees that a girl's in an open relationship, they're like, oh, sweet. This is going to be so awesome. But when a when a girl sees that a guy is in that position, she's like, what? Like, that's not something I want to be a part of. It's harder, but they exist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also with the whole COVID situation,

you can't just go out and meet somebody, right? It has to be all through the apps, which is a whole nother barrier. Well, how bad do you care about your marriage? Are you willing to risk your life and your family's, you know? Yeah, and that's kind of the problem. Yeah, which is a whole nother barrier. Well, how bad do you care about your marriage? Are you willing to risk your life and your families? You know? Yeah. And that's, that's kind of the joke. Yeah, that was a joke. That's well, that's actually the legitimately what my question is, is that, you know, my relationship with my husband has gotten honestly a lot stronger throughout this process because we have to make our time more intentional. Um,

because my time is now split with other things going on. And I have to be more intentional in my time with him. And our communication has been great throughout this process because you can't go into this process without open communication and being honest about your feelings and talking about that. And it's really pushed my husband to start working on himself. He just started going to therapy and we're going to start doing couples therapy. So it's really pushed us in a really great direction as a couple. But this is the crossroads I'm at now is that I feel that I could live the rest of my life being married to my husband, being very happy, safe, secure, loved. This is a safe space for me. We obviously have three kids to think about that is in this relationship as well. And I could do that. But at what point is it my priorities should

be shifting to what makes me happy and what makes me feel fulfilled because we never went into this open relationship situation thinking it would be a long-term thing that we could sustain. This was supposed to be experiential only, right? The reality is that I don't think you really know the answer to that. Has your husband slept with anyone else yet? No, he hasn't. Okay. He hasn't. But it's not because he hasn't been trying. It's tough for him. I get that. So a couple of things you really just need to be mindful of is that you are definitely the dominant person in your marriage and you're calling all the shots. You even described him as kind of passive and timid. And I'm sure that he has a lot of great qualities

of which you're very complimentary of him. But i think you need to be careful of of especially if you really you know if your priority still is your marriage to to not get too not to get too much of a head start you know what i'm saying yeah you want to make sure that your husband at some level your husband needs to do this for himself not just because he's like well if she's fucking people i guess i have to yeah right um and i wouldn't be surprised if there's a little bit of that you know from your husband who knows what he is going to think and feel experience when this happens for him you don't even know the answer to that right for your sake i hope he enjoys it as much as you have enjoyed it. Right.

Yeah, totally. The reality is like, you know, I have friends in open relationships, but their background is very different than yours. Yours is such a unique experience. You guys were two kids when you got married and by your own admission and recognizing that you have a very limited. So everything is new to you. Sex is new. You know, these people are new. It's exciting. You're going to connect with these new guys in ways you've never connected with your husband because like most of your husband, you and your husband, like, you don't know how compatible you are, you know? And it's going to be, it's a risk is what you guys are taking. You know, it's a lot different than, you know, say a guy and a girl who meet in their, say, mid to late 30s, you know, with a history of exes and relationships and sexual partners. And when they meet each

other, they really connect on a way that they're, and they can look at their relationship and say, I've had this and that. And I really, I know how I feel about you because I know what to compare it to. You don't. You're just like, and so it's going to be a very confusing and challenging time for you and your husband. And the re I think the reality is, is that you, I don't know how this is going to play out for you and your husband. It sounds like you have the best intentions, right? Obviously the family you've, that's a huge motivator to stay together.

Um, and this may be a few year period where you guys are both new experience. And hopefully, you know, you know, with what you guys want, the family dynamic will always bring you back to each other. And I think I think it's great that you guys are seeking therapy and couples therapy. And that's really important to, to actively work on your relationship while you're working on yourselves as individuals, but the reality is you're gonna, I would be shocked if you don't have come to a crossroad like you said, because you're already expressing it. You're internalizing these feelings of like,

I'm afraid to admit it, but I think I'm happier with these other people. They bring out things in me that are exciting, and you're gonna have to figure out, is it just new and it is exciting, or do you connect with them differently? And I don't think you can honestly answer that question at this point, because in fairness to your husband, these guys are just fucking new and new is always exciting, you know?

But like these new guys, who knows? Like you said, they might just be fucking turned on that they're sleeping with a married woman whose mom who's into having an open relationship and they're just like super kinked out over that. I don't know. Like, you know, like you don't, again, you don't know these guys. You're just, everything is different and exciting. And like when he says something, your husband, you would think to yourself, oh, my husband would never think that. That is exciting. You probably

feel heard like you've never been heard before, all these things. But trust me, these new guys are going to have their same bullshit and same things that you're not going to like about them. So you're just be mindful of that when you start feeling in these new things. And it's just, it's going to be a process. I think you guys are definitely opening Pandora's box. It's a risk. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that. And it might be based off a necessity of the fact that like you got married at 19 and in this day and age, no offense, that's insane um and so uh for sure i agree and so there's just a lot of unknowns and i i wish you guys the best and i applaud you again for like this you know the fact that you guys are doing therapy actively while going through this

is is probably the best thing you can do but it's going to be a challenge. It's just so many unknowns. I don't know. I think therapy is a great call because that's you actively trying to see what you guys can discover from this. I do, you know, as much as you need to weigh the family and kids being a part of this, I like, hey man, you got to look out for you too. And if you went through seven years

of thinking set you hated sex and like you're in your i don't know what the numbers are with the prime but nick you probably know the stat better what's a woman's sexual prime you seem like a guy that has that written above his bathroom wall he seems like he knows that yeah what anyway it's i feel like it's now So for to go seven years and to be very turned off and discouraged from that. Yeah, that to me is a big deal and not something Nick is right that like new is exciting, right? Like exciting and new, like the love boat theme saying that to a T. And I think, though, that there's you have to pay attention to the fact that you got so compelled to bring this up. You have to pay attention to the fact that you got so compelled to bring this up.

That's a big deal. And yeah, you need your husband to go along with it because it's something you truly need. And I think finding out these things with these new guys, whether they are test cases or it might be real with some of them or not, that's to be determined. But I don't think you should. If you're going to do it, I think you should do it, you know, and not just like get a couple, get a couple quarantine D's and then call it a day. Like, you know, if you need to see where that goes emotionally to really see if like, man, is this just a bump in the road for my husband and I, or have we truly run, have we run our course?

Because again, I have a, uh, uh uh one of my best friends folks same thing got married i think when they were 18 uh from church had four kids and then i think in their early 30s um split up dad moved to oregon and got a new job and then they were just apart and then they just realized from being apart that oh man we we had a good time and a good run, but we did that early and we did not, like you are speaking to, didn't experience life or people or what it has to offer. And I'm a big advocate of timing is everything and listening to your gut.

And I think we all in any important decision have that first instinctual guttural reaction of knowing what is right and what you want to do. And it's and then you try to talk yourself out of it or you reason with yourself and you try to ask people like, what's the right move when you fucking know what it is? And you know that this is something you have to do. And nobody wants to think in terms of families breaking apart or how we're going to do this with the kids. That's so overwhelming. So then at the end of the day, it becomes so easy to go, you know what? I'll just kind of mess around the side,

get that fixed for myself, and then go back to my husband, my life. But man, like fucking life is short. You got to be happy on all fronts. And there is a way to make things work where there's a problem, there's a solution. And then it's just on you to figure that out. If you got this far with your husband to put yourself in a position to, to, to take a stab at this new lifestyle, like, and you guys are still kind of, and you're getting along and still getting through that. I think you can get through anything. That's pretty, that's pretty amazing. And I applaud that. So I would not want you to deter yourself away from, from making sure that you're really locked in on, like Nick said, like how you feel about these guys and, and that they aren't just something that's given you a quick, a quick

hit of, of something else of like a different life. And then, uh, and then go, but, but when you go back to your current life, you know, making sure that it's at least if it's opened your eyes so that you're like, okay, cool. Now I can find things to be happier about. Or maybe it makes me excited to like show my husband this. But if you do that and you're doing these couples therapy and you're actively trying, I think there's no shame in going. I gave it my best effort and it's time to switch things up. And I'm fucking what do you say, 26? Yeah, know you're still really young i'm 37 and i feel like i'm just figuring out dude i just started taking tums and i feel like i'm like 10 years late on that you know and so i feel like you're always going to discover things about yourself in life

but this is a prime time for you to you did it too you did married you did kids like you've i don't know you've lived that life so it's like yeah grow as a person like like you know you get one shot at all this eminem was right and you uh you gotta you gotta listen you gotta listen to this and even though that show is corny as shit listen to your heart whatever it fucking goes like they're they're right about that you know um let me ask you this kind of adam's point have you and your husband discussed the possibility that um that you're not the best match like we yeah yeah we have we we actually discussed that year two of our marriage we we realized that we weren't compatible but we couldn't get a divorce because you can't do that but what about recently yeah yeah we have just yeah we have we totally have kind of

to adam's point i do that in the church get divorced no so is that what you think what's truly do you think that like overarching was a thing that was true oh man just written law was really kind of preventing you both from even progressing about that idea so So, yeah. So, like, I think you guys just need to, again, it sounds like, like Adam said, you guys have a real shot to make this work. It sounds like you guys are doing the most with what you have and the situation that you have. And you, at the same time,

need to be okay with the idea that this is not what it is. And I guess what I'm saying is like, again, there's a big difference between like two people who are very comfortable and confident in themselves as individuals who have met and they're just like into some kinky shit. I don't know if that's you guys, right?

You're just like, you're doing this out of necessity because you have no experience about life, right? So I think open to the pot, continue to explore the possibility that you aren't a match will possibly bring you guys closer together because you have the option to leave but choose not to right and that is a real powerful thing that can bring people together um as far as your sex life with your husband like uh listen i hope that you start to enjoy it with your husband so hopefully like he goes out there he gets laid and he learns a little bit and hopefully he's hoping to you teaching him because like you you know, like your sex, your, your, the sex

sucks with your husband because you guys are like, you're, you're two people out there and what the fuck they're doing. You're just doing it wrong. It's that simple. Right. And you can have great sex with your husband. It's just a matter of like learning how to do that. Right.

And so there's a lot of ways to do that. You guys could get, you know, there's, there know, there's therapy when it comes to sex and learning. So it seems like you guys are on the right path, but you really, I think you have to both be open to the possibility. And even for your kids, like the rest of your life might not be with each other. My brother got his high school sweetheart pregnant and wanted to do the right thing coming from the Catholic family that I came from and, you know, got married within months. And then they immediately had a second kid. These two couldn't be more fucking different, right? They got divorced a couple years later and they have, from my understanding, a really great family dynamic. She is now, I think,

remarried, pregnant. My brother has a girlfriend and a happy relationship. And everyone's happy and everyone's better off. And they still, their kids are very loved and they have a great relationship with their parents. And sometimes that's for the best. And so that might be the case with you guys. And if you can make it work, great. But yeah, like Adam said, don't waste the rest of your lives just trying to make something work that just isn't there. Yeah, we got to get your husband laid. We got to get him some heavyset Latina grocery store cashier named Simone that can just show

him Jumanji one and two. You know what I'm saying? Like just everything he didn't know existed. CGI, just fucking rainbows and handjobs. did cgi just fucking rainbows and hand jobs and that way that way he's like fuck that was scary but maybe we can do the pg version of that babe and then work our way up to r and you're like for sure and he's like but i still kind of like 3d and you're like fucking i'm picking up on what you're throwing out you guys find this middle ground and make things work or he's just or it makes him turn into a freak and then you back away a lot of possibilities but i think you gotta he's gotta step into the uh

into the winner's circle at some point so he can bring bring some experience back yeah i i'm definitely excited for him to explore that for sure i think it'd be great for him i'm so i'm so weirdly healthy yeah all the yeah i gotta say i mean this has been a fascinating call and i do applaud you and your husband for, you know, trying to take the healthiest approach, which I'm sure is something is both scary and uncertainty and, you know, coming from your past, you know, no criticism on religion, but like you can feel shamed and judged and it's going to be a scary world to leave a world, that world.

And it sounds like you guys are putting yourself in the best possible situation for you both to have a happy life going forward, however that looks. So keep doing what you're doing. Just continue to be honest with yourselves and each other. And I think you guys will figure it out. Yeah, yeah, I appreciate that.

I appreciate the perspective for sure. And keeping in mind that, you know, this, this may not end with us together or it might, but we just have to figure that out. And, and I think that's where we're at right now. If your husband ever wants to come on the show and talk about it from his point of view, we will have him. He would, he would definitely do that. If he was here now, I'd go grab him. But yeah. Where is he? Is he out fucking somewhere? No. Okay.

I want him. I want him to get laid. And then I want him on the show. Okay. All right. Sounds good. Sounds good. Ready.

But take care of you because two people don't work unless you're taking care of yourself first. So you got to keep it up. I have no doubt that Brittany is going to take care of herself. I'm actually more worried about her husband. Don't worry. Yeah. Yeah. I'm very well taken care of. Don't worry. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm very well taken care of. Don't worry about that. Dang. TMI. All right. All right, Brittany. Thanks for your time. All right.

Thank you. Bye, guys. Bye. I mean, I don't know, you know, enough said. That was fucking crazy, dude. Wow. Amazing. Yeah.

I'm not worried about Brittany whatsoever. My biggest concern is he is uh following her lead you know and he needs a he needs a voice in this and he needs to he needs a wingman dude he needs somebody out there in utah or where where was she calling from she didn't say it but maybe yeah utah that's good for sure uh yeah he needs a a non-mormon wingman to be he needs some guy like trevor dawson like from fucking you know north carolina who's just like dude i dude i got laid when i was in the fourth grade dude dude i like i chick chicks dude i i'll show you dude we're gonna all right we start the cheesecake factory okay we but dude watch how i pick up one of the waitresses you need some guy

that just is not a complete hornball but somebody that just puts one foot in front of the other and makes things happen because this guy on his own does not sound like he's getting the job done and i didn't want to say this but it's like man do you put up a timetable for him and go yo you got three weeks to to figure it out because like what is she supposed to just wait another seven years for him to see what his dick looks like i don't know i think uh we'll see i um that's kind of i feel like we both think that there's a good chance they might not end up together but for sure yeah but uh yeah it's gonna take some time i don't i don't i don't think she should put a timetable you gotta fuck someone in two months from leaving.

Well, no, I was joking. I would say more like a month. But I think that there's, I think, no, for sure. I think you have to, it's a very delicate process. I think couples therapy will help, and they'll probably find a lot in that. And who knows? There could be some amazing come to Jesus moment where, or Joseph, I guess in their case, where, where they just are like, oh, wow, this is not, you know what I'm saying? Like where things get

brought up and discussed to where they're just like, oh, this is not working, you know, or the opposite of that. But I just always think, and my mom would always tell me this when I was trying to help my sister and brother-in-law. She's like, you got to try. You can't just fucking throw in the cards. You know, like you got it when there's kids at stake. There's a family. And this is a woman, you know, coming from divorce. Like she's like, you got to fucking give it a shot, a true shot, you know?

And so that's what I think they're going to try to do. But yeah, definitely. I'm less worried about her, more worried about him. She's going to be fine. Yeah, a little too fine some would say yeah how's it going good hi i'm elizabeth i'm 44 hi elizabeth 44 how can we help to meet you okay so i um was working a lot right before this covid 19 thing like six months straight every19 thing, like six months straight, seven days a week. Single a long time, separated from a significant relationship, ready to start dating, quit the job on the weekend, signed on online because I have a child. Going out is tough when

you have a child. I went on a couple of dates, didn't find a love connection right away, but then met somebody that was like, whoa, like thought this was great. Really felt very, very hard, bad tendency of mine, but it is what it is. Um, thought, you know, we were going to continue to pursue. We started off really kind of fast. Um, you know we were going to continue to pursue we started off really kind of fast um if you know what i mean and then um and then uh and then this happened we both have children so we didn't know how to handle this you know responsibly per se i mean nobody did but i thought we could continue you know sort of communicating, FaceTiming, you know,

keeping the spark alive while everybody figures out, like, what's an appropriate behavior, you know, to continue this. Yeah, because how do you socially distance get it in? You know, like, you can't. There's, right? Like, you're like, all right, well, we could just, like, do some tantric shit. But that's not that fun. But it's better than nothing in my

opinion totally sure so i'm guessing you have had this kind of expectation he seems to be less interested uh well at the beginning he seemed into it like you know and then um you know i uh You know, I became sort of, I don't know, really anxious about hearing from him. And I might have scared him a little bit. I mean, I don't know if it was all this, you know, isolation and all the responsibility, but I became like addicted to hearing from him every day, you know? And yeah. You have a cool voice? Well, yeah. And he looked great. And, you know, you know it was like fun you know it was like an escape and it was like sexting and all that stuff and damn so um

i thought that we were gonna like go the distance with this whole thing going on um and uh in addition to that there was some behavior on his part that just made me seem like maybe you're just being a little disingenuous, like maybe, um, you know, some red flags, but I was like quasi addicted to this person and like, was like, I don't want to start something new with somebody else during this going on. And then, um, so it fizzled and needless to say to say, I was like, all right, I got to check myself. I was a little actually concerned about my mental health. You know, like I really was, I was like, you know, you're really seeking validation from this person who's not giving

it to you. And you're really going to great lengths to continue something that was so short lived to begin with. So, you know, feeling low, feeling sad, feeling isolated. Like, oh my God, I get single. I get, I have the schedule now to go date and a pandemic happens. My luck. So I was like, all right, you know, just chill. You'll work on yourself and come back to that and everything like that. But I kept obsessing a little bit. And then, you know, people come out of the woodwork during these things sometimes like, all right, just chill. You'll work on yourself and come back to that and everything like that. But I kept obsessing a little bit. And then people come out of the woodwork during these things sometimes. Like, hey, what's up? How are you doing?

Oh, those pandemic fellas? Yeah. That's a real thing. Yeah, it's been a while. Yeah, exactly. Do you still have a head? You're like, what? Dude, has it been that long?

Yeah. Yeah. Like, exploit from some literally 15 years ago. Yeah. Yeah. Like ex-wife from some literally 15 years ago. Whoa. Yeah. Very odd. So, you know, but then I was wondering, I'm like, to get over somebody, I wrote this in, you know, the email that I sent you guys, you know, is it appropriate to sort of just

have like, not quasi meaningless meaningless sex but sex that's like you know with the person you're trying to get over no okay with somebody that's you know a friend with benefits i suppose you know a friend who is like offering their shoulder to cry on per se i don't think having a hookup sex with someone helps you get over anyone. I think if you want to have hookup sex with someone while you're getting over someone, that's also fine, but it's not a tool to get over someone. Getting over someone specifically has to do with this kind of like, and it sounds like you're self-aware enough to like be on your way to just like acknowledge, acknowledge that they're not your person.

Right. And then catch yourself and you find yourself obsessing over them, you know, whether it's a thought and you're hiding or ruminating over someone. So whatever it is you're doing, when you're obsessing over them, you have to like have the discipline to like, stop doing that. So if it's like looking at their social media and if you have to block them, you block them. You know, if it's just like letting thoughts go on your head, you just have to actively be like, Elizabeth, stop, you know, stop doing it. Think about something else. Hooking up with someone else. Again, that's just for your

own personal benefit. And that's great. But you also run the risk of then like comparing him, you know, like, oh, sex with this person is fine. But sex with that person is great. You know, sometimes you hook up with someone that makes you dismiss someone else, but it's definitely, I don't think you should ever use it as a tool to get over someone. Getting over someone has to, it's a state of mind. Again, we talked about this last week. It's a perspective on not allowing yourself to, like you said, obsess. And when you start feeling those feelings, you just have to have the discipline to stop. And it gets easier over time. It doesn't do you any good to obsess, obsess, obsess, to be like, oh, I'm obsessing. And then like, you know,

I'll have sex with someone else and maybe that'll work. Like you'll just, it'll never get better. You actually have to say, stop doing that you have to have a an awareness of what are you doing that's causing you to obsess over that and then stop doing that thing you know yeah um and it's hard to do yeah i think friends with benefits is fine if you're in a friends with benefits stage in your life but it sounds like you were getting some momentum going with this dude right and so now you're like i don't know sort of be like getting emotionally attached but then being like well let me just have some casual f you know like that that seems like kind of a uh a you know contrast of yes of ideas so i feel like pick up pick a lane you, and it'll be easier on your heart.

No doubt. I mean, I. Easier said than done. Yeah, for sure. Well, yeah. And he got me like revved up. Like I was like, you know, all right, I'm feeling alive. I feel vital.

I feel like I'm gotten some momentum from this person. I got some fire from this person and some energy that is unrequited. You're trying to quench some thirst and sometimes, you know. Gatorade doesn't cut it, yeah. No. Or maybe it does and like, listen, like alcohol is great, but it doesn't hydrate you, you know. No. So like that's what I'm saying is like replacing good dick with okay dick

isn't necessarily going to help you get over anyone. Somebody famous said that. Who was it? Yeah. good dick with okay dick isn't necessarily going to help you get over anyone um somebody famous said that who was it yeah morgan freeman mr rogers somebody famous somebody i idolized as a kid so yeah you you know you you seem pretty self-aware and and kind of uh you know talking about your awareness of i'm where now after i've like suffered a little bit of a humbling from this person who's kind of like, I have to ignore you now. You're a little much. You're a little much, honey. Sure.

Can I ask you something? Are you one way with the dude that you were into with the kid? Kid or kids, yes. Uno. Yeah. One. Are you like Elizabeth with him? And then like Liz with these other suitors?

What's that? You don't sound like Elizabeth. Like, do you got kind of two different sides to you? That's that's. He wants to know what's the power dynamic with this one guy versus the other guy? You know? Oh, yeah, definitely. It's analogous to sort of like you

know he's the top and i'm bottom i guess i don't know like what's that like snm type of thing i mean not totally but like you know like he's the he's the dude and i'm sort of the subs i'm the sub yeah way i don't know how to better no yes you're probably you're probably not as used to that you probably have relationships where you're used to being the one in control and you have the power. And this guy is fucking, you feel uncomfortable in a very exciting way. And at the same time, you probably sense that it probably has the recipe of a toxic situation. And that'll fuck you up a little bit.

Oh, yeah. Especially if there's some good dick involved, you know? It's like, oh, really hard to, whew. But, yeah, I the the answer to your question is no like fuck buddies do not help you get it over anyone uh but if at the same time well they help you get over your previous fuck buddy maybe yeah i mean i know yeah yeah if we're if we're using the liquid analogy like drinking grape gatorade is pretty much the same as drinking like lime green Gatorade or whatever the fuck. It's just changing flavors.

Yeah, that's actually a really great analogy, dude. You should write that down. Yeah, but yeah, you just have to process. It's just an avoidance tactic, you know, it really is. It's an avoiding, like feel my feelings and be like what you're saying, disciplined and disciplining myself and saying you know not gonna it's not in any way helping you get over the situation you have to

process that you have you know well you just avoid you know again avoid it but like you have to you just have to stop thinking about it like you think about what you're doing that allows you to obsess over the guy and stop doing it all right right, from your lips to God's ears. I will do that. Your voice will be in my head from now on. We can control all the things. Nick, stop being so dominant. You're going to get it turned on.

That's funny. You're going to be fine. Don't do this, Elizabeth. Knock it off. Exactly. Just don't go there, you okay mentally take a look at that picture on your wall and just rub one out you know just get it out that way i mean who the fuck is that guy george hamilton come on you've got george h built into your place and you're searching the web for fun no you do yeah that's an original

painting by uh muck rock I don't know yeah he's nothing yeah so you're gonna be fine just uh you are just uh process uh process this relationship uh on its own yeah and just keep talking to people like oh god I have to keep listening to the podcast, I guess, because dating nowadays is really perplexing. Well, again, like, yeah, I want you to listen to my podcast and all, you know, great. But sometimes you want to be careful, too. It's just if you're listening to podcasts to get over this guy, it makes you think about this guy. Well, I'm listening how to conduct myself. Put it that way and get some sound advice on to sort of like how to negotiate this new landscape. How's that?

just pivot your concentration and your focus on something else, your kid, your job, new guys that you're excited about, you know, and it's things like that. Okay. All right. Thank you, guys. All right. Best of luck. Take care. Have a good day. You too. How's it going? Good. How about you guys? I sierra and i'm 21 years old hi sierra 21 how can we help so i wanted to call because i know you nick you've kind of come across as one very blunt so you'll be honest with me and two um you're very um thoughtful like you're very analytical and so am i and i just got out of a nine-month relationship um during quarantine we were quarantining together and I ended that relationship and I'm kind of thinking that maybe I was too um in my head about it and too analytical I'm a little bit

worried like it affects me not only in that relationship but also in just in general so we dated for nine months and i was very upfront with him because i'm a very transparent um person from the beginning that he needed to get his um career on track he's 32 so there was like a 12 year age gap between the two of us oh i thought you thought you were going to say he was like 15, you know, and you're trying to get up his paper out. Okay, here we go.

32. So he's 32, which the age doesn't bother me because I've been told I'm too mature for my own age. Anyway, it wouldn't bother me if he was like at the level, a normal 32 year old would be at. Um,

but we met in the restaurant industry. So he was a server. I was a server. And he's also a substitute teacher. He also has his bachelor's in psychology, minor in business, he's just not using them. So I told him in the beginning, I said, Listen, I'm like, if we're going to work, like I need you to like work on that. Otherwise, I'll personally start to lose like confidence in our relationship moving forward. Fast forward to February. So that all happened back in like October, November, fast forward to February. I felt like, you know,

he said he wanted to be a teacher, but I felt like there wasn't a whole lot of passion behind it. And so I was upfront with him then I felt like there wasn't a whole lot of passion behind it. And so I was up front with him then I was like, listen, like, it just feels like you're procrastinating. And he'd already basically pushed off like the C sets and applications. So he wouldn't be able to get until the spring of 2021 for like a certificate program. And I brought it up with him. And he said that he doesn't want marriage or kids or any of that until he has his career on track. And so for me, him continuing to push it off was him pushing off any sort of future for us also. So I started kind of pulling away from him in February and then in March,

like the whole world shut down. So when he had his like C-sets scheduled to take, they got canceled. Like, so then he basically moved in with me because my job didn't stop. I'm not in the restaurant industry anymore. I work on a horse ranch. So my job just keeps going. So he moved in with me. And then like, they told me that the extension was going to keep going to my 31st. And I was like, I just can't continue this. Like if you're not going to be

putting in any effort, cause even in quarantine, he wasn't trying to see if he could get the C-set rescheduled. He wasn't seeing if they push back applications. He wasn't seeing any of that. What was he doing? YouTube all day. I, and it was just, yeah, it was kind of hard for me to be like, That's what my five-year-old nephew does i know and so i was like come on like you gotta give me something here um so see i guess the question is what's like what's the problem i mean you know you ended a relationship that sucks and i'm sure you're processing it but like where are you at now i guess now it's just like everything else with us like fit really well like our physical connection

emotional mental like as far anything else in life like we were on the same page and then this one area like really sucks and he told me he was gonna work on it and it just feels like did I like rush it like did I not wait long enough for him to come around? Did I not give him enough time to like explore his options? Was I being too in my head and like talked myself out of this relationship? your decisions, right? So the fact that you are now thinking about, did you make the right decision is pretty inevitable for someone like yourself. We've had this, you know, on our earlier call, this episode, like people love to say like, everything else is great, but well, the but usually is a pretty big deal. Especially like the one but is sometimes just enough. Listen, you know, the fact that he's 32, so what, right. At the same time, like you don't want to be, uh, the mature, you don't want to be the mature one in a relationship

where guys, you know, like you have the, you have like at 21, you can be mature, mature for your age, but you still have, uh, the chance to still be immature and still learn. But if you're constantly just nagging on the guy and coaching him up like this is who he is and you want someone a little bit more self-motivated and you're that is always going to continue to be exhausting and the point is is like it doesn't really matter uh like if he like let's say he did the shit that you wanted him to do, but he was only doing it because you wanted him to do it. Right. That's not who he was.

So the point is a relationship with this guy, you know, a future with this guy, like a forever with this guy is going to include you constantly nagging him and you're going to get exhausted. He's going to be exhausted with you. And so you, my guess is all the other stuff, you know,

the we have fun together, the intimacy. Like, I'm not saying that's easy to find, but like, it's not like you are only 21. Like you can have fun with other men. You can have a good physical connection with other men. And you can find a lot of that with people, guys, who are motivated because that is important to you. And I don't

think you should discount about yourself that you are attracted to men who you know are motivated who like to get shit done who like who who that makes you feel good who maybe offers you some guidance and some like motivation on your end you're going to feel very exhausted being the one who's kind of driving the relationship and driving like the execution of like the things that you guys are doing. And my guess is you would probably really appreciate support from your partner, whoever that is, regardless of their age. Yeah, I guess like where I question like moving forward from here is because I'm like, I'm so logical and so analytical in my head that I never really react based off of emotion when it comes to like my experiences in life. Like I move forward, but I don't like to move forward unless whatever I'm doing is going to positively impact the future I'm trying to like create for myself.

And so it's hard for me to even date guys because it's like, how do I just date to have fun? How does that even make sense for me it's so hard yeah well that's good that you're aware of that but you can still do it right like you are only 21 you don't you're like you do not you're not on a timeline to like get married you might think you are you might tell yourself and you've been you're you're being told by all these people in your circle like oh you're mature for your age and so like you're like probably thinking well i need to get married next year and start a family.

Just chill out. Just chill out. There's an image created for me my whole life. And you like hearing that. It's hard to get out of it. And you like hearing it. You like hearing you're mature for your age. It makes you feel good about yourself.

And that's nothing you should be bothered by. But you also like, you know, it's different for everyone. Don't grow up too quick, you know it's different for everyone too quick you know you can get a little sloppy sweet age where you don't have to have all the answers like even up to 25 i mean again like everyone's path is different everyone's set of how they view life is different clearly 32 you can't teach passion man if this guy is like 32 on YouTube, I mean, you know, again, everyone has their own set of, you know, guidelines and how they motivate themselves

and how they attack the day. And some people wake up with a full agenda. Some people have a few things and then they kind of like to fly by the seat of their pants. But I mean, if he's got all these, if he's put in the work and he set himself up to then, you know, get some, you know, get some income from a job that he's trying to get. He clearly doesn't have the motivation to do it. You can't fall on you to be the one to help him get there. Like any relationship. And we've talked about this before. Both parts have to be bringing something to it

and right now it's you're doing your part and then you're trying to like pull him in and that's just gonna like wear and tear on you so much not only for this relationship but you and for uh relationships past this you know you're gonna start to think like oh man i'm gonna now go after these guys like even if you do end up pulling him out of it for the time being, and maybe are the reason that he gets his shit together, like then it's like, you don't want to have to be that person that's now trying to save people and, and be the reason that having them be codependent on you. Um, but also 21, man, like you're just, you're in such a great spot where you don't have to like have everything figured out and i know you like being heady and analytical is a cool thing and and being you know

everyone being like wow sir you're like super mature for your age like it's really impressive that's awesome that feels good then you and you definitely seem like you got your shit together and because of that i think you know it's it's not wrong of you to to think that you wanting you know it's like what michael jordan just said in this last dance doc he's like i don't do anything or i don't ask anyone to do something that i'm not doing myself yeah and you're doing that and that's a very responsible mature move but you also 21 to take on someone else's shit you're right yeah that's fucking i've that's that is you know save that for um save that for another life but here's the thing too sierra like just because you are mature for your age and and thoughtful and blah blah blah doesn't mean that you still

don't have aspects of yourself you need to work on and it doesn't mean you still have might not have some maturing to do and it seems like you're kind of aware of that. It reminds me of my brother where it's like you're different than like the norm of what people say to people at 21. My brother, like he's just a unique guy. He just graduated from dental school. He's the only person I know who's like at five years old say he wanted to be a dentist and he became a dentist. Like it's fucking bizarre. he wanted to be a dentist and he became a dentist.

Like it's fucking bizarre. And when he went to college and said it, like usually when you're like your kid or your young brother goes to college or your sister, you're just like, Hey man, like, you know, balance partying and don't like,

you know, you don't want to focus on school. I had literally had to tell my brother, Hey man, don't be afraid to have some fun. Don't be afraid to go to parties and get drunk. Like, you know,

and that's, that's something he actually had to work on. It's not typical. You and get drunk. Like, you know, and that's something he actually had to work on. It's not typical you would say that to someone, but like, you gotta get out of your own head. You have to be afraid, not afraid to live your life. You have to like loosen up these, you know, restrictions you have on yourself.

As a result of doing that, you are gonna learn about the things that you thought you didn't like, but like, you know? As someone who is a heady, analytical person, I'm certain as someone who's like that, you put a lot of self-limiting beliefs on yourself. And I think as a young person, you have to try to be open to new ideas, right?

You have to try to give up control. And my guess is you're probably used to like, you attract men who need your help because you kind of like helping people. You love giving your advice. You love, you know, and I think it would do you a lot of good to like, you know, try to attract people who can share some points of view that you can learn from. And I think at this point in your life, I think that's important to be open to and be comfortable with being single for a while. If you meet someone that you're attracted

to, slow your roll. Don't rush into it. You don't have to start a family. Don't buy into your own hype of you being so mature that you need to settle down right now. I think that's important because it's just so contrary to like what you are, you're hearing from a lot of people. And, and it sounds like you are great and a lot of things, but it doesn't mean that you don't have things you need to work on as well. And sometimes for you, it's just giving up a little bit of power and control. I think that's like totally what I was like getting at in my email was just like, I've

been put in this box and like on some levels, it's really great because people really like me, but on other levels, I just have such a hard time like reaching out and experiencing life because I've just always been stuck in this bubble and I'm ready. I'm ready to like go out and, you know, make mistakes and do things wrong. But it just feels like every time I do all the people around me it's like if sierra messes up the world is coming crashing down yeah you must be depressed that's not a way to live your life you can't it's a little heavy yeah to please other people also who is the meat you're like people like me but i feel boxed in so it's like do they even know

what sort of version they've kind of constructed and like they're like this is what we like about like this is the sierra we like so stay this way and you're like, this is what we like about like, this is the Sierra we like. So stay this way. And you're like, okay, cool. Wait, but what if I want to do that? You're like that that's getting out of the box. You stay in the cage, Sierra. And you're like, I kind of want to get out of the cage. Cause there's some cool shit over there. And so you don't even know who you are because you're kind of doing things according to the way people want you to do them, which look, there's a, an aspect of that people pleasing that I think we all inherently have. And I don't think it's a bad thing to possess, you know, to, to want to

like do right by people. But at the end of the day, like it's got to be in line with who you are and what you've, you know, you can't feel like you're shutting down your desires and your aspirations because people are like, this is how we see that you should be. I mean, it's just a very ass backwards way to live life, making decisions to please other people. Again, we all do it in some shit. Your friends like, hey, I'm performing this one act show and in Hollywood and it's really great. It's like a 10 person black box theater. And it's like a friend who's like never acted before. They dropped out of like business school and you're like,

all right, I'll go support them. I don't want to, I know it's going to suck. This is not even one of my best friends, but I'm going to go support them and pretend to like it. Like we all do shit like that, but this is like a very, on a much larger scale where you're trying to be a version of yourself that, that it sound like it's, it's just, you're, you're fighting with things, you know, the, the, the version of you that I think is out there that you're still, again, a 21, like growing into and everyone's, you have to at least give yourself the opportunity again, to go back to Jordan. Like he says, I can accept failure, but I can't accept not trying, you know, like shit, you got to be able to try to become who you are and

right now you're not even giving yourself that chance no i agree yeah so just take it easy on yourself a little bit and yeah you know have a conscious um active thought of like working on yourself and don't don't believe your own hype about you you know, you can be mature. Like we're always maturing. And at the moment you start, the moment you think you have it all figured out, you become pretty immature and ignorant. So like that's a process you're always going to grow and learn from. And it sounds like as an individual, you have some life experiencing to do. And you can do that in a relationship, but you have to check yourself, especially when you find yourself being attracted to people you want to fix and things like that.

And it's always easy to go back to what you're used to and what you're comfortable with. And so I think for someone like yourself who's used to control, you need to challenge yourself to get used to being uncomfortable a a little bit and things like that. And that's, that's something as, as, as valuable as anything. And that will give you a lot of maturity and it will teach you a lot about yourself and, you know, help you kind of focus in on what you're looking for in a partner. I agree. Thank you guys. All right. Well, best of luck. And yeah and yeah, I, I wouldn't sweat your decision. Trust your gut. Um,

and, don't, don't worry about that. Um, especially with heady people, your initial gut is usually the right. And then you spend a lot of time overthinking those decisions, but yeah,

B 21. You're, you know, like have that running through your mind. Like, like be my age right now it's okay yeah and if you meet it yeah if you meet another guy who's older that's fine but like he needs to like not be the one who needs to be babysat and he needs to recognize that you're

there at the age that you are and he needs to be okay with the fact that you want you have some shit that you want to experience and that's something he's he's consciously aware of the risk of dating someone younger than him yeah and that was something i always told him i said i don't want to mom you through life yeah that's exhausting you might want that yeah fuck that that's fine to do like in your 60s and 70s and you're just like you know just trapped in a bunker somewhere in detroit and that was never going to change with him yeah and when he like shows back up in six months, be like, I did this thing that you bugged me for doing.

That's that doesn't mean anything. Yeah. And if he tries to be like, Hey, I was on YouTube, but I was YouTubing how to better myself. Be like, fuck that dude.

Show me the links. I was blue. He wasn't, I know what he was watching. He wasn't. What was he watching? Just out of curiosity. What got his attention?

He loves cooking. And so he would just watch like cooking channels and like learning how to cook. And I was like, open a restaurant. Even if you fail, at least you try something. I mean, you're so, he does not deserve you, by the way. You're so sweet and supportive. Open a restaurant from a food video. Yeah, this guy, I mean, yeah, fuck.

If he was watching that shit to try to get some culinary critiques and get his own and you know let's say he had books and all this i mean that's at least trying to do like you have to again have your own shit to bring into the relationship but yeah you mean like spaghetti videos we've all done that leads to nothing yeah i mean you can't change people's core who they are you know you can little things. We've had this in a different color today. It's just like, this is, if you want a motivated person, you got to find a motivated person.

Yeah. And you can tell pretty early if they are, you can't hope that they're going to change. They're not, you know? And if you want someone who's, you know, this is there to like,

kind of be your like emotional support dog and just kind of like sit on a couch and actively like you know tell you nice things about yourself then that's that's what that guy is for but that's not what you're looking for um it's also not attractive like after a while you're like oh you're just like this youtube guy that i bone like gross right it gets hard that's why like halfway through quarantine i was like i can't they were like extension i was like not for me whoa funny yeah i really couldn't you're gonna be fine and yeah it's uh i don't don't take this as an insult but you have some growing up to do as well and that's okay yeah yeah so it's exciting thank you guys yeah it's exciting yeah all right well take care awesome thank you guys thanks for calling in well adam thanks uh so much for joining this has been a ton

of fun uh i feel like we learned a lot about our callers a couple couple things uh again you can't change people um you just got to figure out pretty quickly who they are at a core and, uh, then, and then work with that. And then, uh, you know, you know, the rest is a history or whatever, but, uh,

before we go, Adam, good wrap up. Yeah. Where can people find you, Adam? Uh, I know we,

we talked in the beginning of the show, but, uh, people where they can check. Yeah. You can find, uh, first of all,

thanks for having me, dude. Uh, you know, long time listener, first time caller. This has been great to be a part of. You're really, you're way better at giving the advice than I thought.

I thought your advice was going to be like your outros, but you're actually very articulate. And you have experience to share with them that always aligns with what they're going through. So congrats on that. Thanks, bud. I see why the show was successful. You can find me at Adam Ray Comedy on Twitter and Instagram. with what they're going through. So congrats on that. Thanks, bud. I see why the show is successful.

You can find me at Adam Ray Comedy on Twitter and Instagram, adamraycomedy.com. I'm going to start hitting the road end of the month, Utah and Phoenix in COVID-19 conditions with spaced out tables and gloves and masks and taking temperatures at the front door and all that stuff. But so clubs are going to try to take a stab and I'm going to be a part of that stuff. So clubs are going to try to take a stab,

and I'm going to be a part of that. You can get my album out right now. It's called Read the Room on Spotify, iTunes, all that stuff, and my podcast, which Nick has been on, and his recent app drops next week, which will be great. It's about last night. You can find it on YouTube, Spotify, iTunes, and all that jazz. And I have a cartoon coming out on Hulu called Crossing Swords from the Robot Chicken Guys

that drops June 12th on Hulu. Awesome, yeah. So Adam's doing a bunch of stuff. Be sure to check him out. Thanks so much for listening, guys. Don't forget to send your questions at asknickatcastmedia.com. And yeah, thanks for listening.

We will see you on Wednesday.