The Viall Files - E136 Ask Nick - All The Nudes

Episode Date: June 8, 2020

On this episode of Ask Nick we discuss passing around nudes without consent, we talk to someone who found out her boyfriend was engaged to someone the entire time they were dating, what it means if your boyfriend is hiding nudes of exes on his computer, and how being bi-sexual and a Christian don’t need to be mutually exclusive. Most importantly, we talk about following your gut.  “The guy code thing is bullshit.” Be sure to send your sex and relationship questions to [e-mail]! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS:  FIGS: wearfigs.com CODE: VIALL15 MODERN FERTILITY: modernfertility.com/VIALL For donations to the NAACP Legal Defense and Education Fund visit: naacpldf.org  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Well, guys, I know a lot of people are still talking about some of the things that are going on in our country, the social changes that we are fighting to improve, the protest. And we just want to use this time a little bit to bring some awareness to some organizations that if you want to continue to support these causes, you can donate either your time or your money to. So we just want to bring some awareness to the NAACP Legal Defense and Education Fund. It's America's premier legal organization fighting for racial injustice. Through litigation, advocacy, and public education, LDF seeks structural changes to expand democracy, eliminate disparities, and achieve racial justices in a society that fulfills the promise of equality

for all Americans. LDF also defends the gains and protections won over the past 75 years of civil rights struggle and works to improve the quality and diversity of judicial and executive appointments. So again, if you want to donate to the NAACP Legal Defense and Education Fund. Go to naacpldf.org. That's N-A-A-C-P-L-D-F-O-R-G. And please consider donating. Every little bit helps. what's going on everybody welcome to another episode of the vile files i'm your host nick joined by my producer chrissy chrissy how are you doing on this fine monday morning i'm doing magical nick how are you doing i am doing doing so good. Um, I'm doing fine. Hey, listen, it's been, it's been a week, obviously, I think for everyone and, um, uh, you know, things are, are still going on in this country. And it's, it's one of those things where you're, you're

trying to find the, the silver, silver lining to things. things. I think for a lot of people, it's a scary time, a lot of confusion. It's back to back in terms of, you know, the COVID and obviously these protests. What's it like where you are, where you're living? It's all around fine. I mean, there's been protests in the area, but nothing, you know, seemingly all peaceful. in the area, but nothing, you know, seemingly all peaceful. But yeah, I mean, listen, like sometimes, you know, you've, I've seen posts out there about, you know, you know, there's a lot of jokes about canceling 2020 and, and, but you know what, maybe there are a lot of good can come from this. Obviously there's a lot of things that have, are not good going on.

There's people have been hurt and businesses have been damaged, and that's never okay. We don't condone any of that. But big picture-wise, there's been a lot of positives in terms of real change and real awareness going on in this country, and I think that is got to try to stay positive while continuing to ask ourselves how we can help create real positive change in this country and in our worlds and in our own worlds. And, you know, not just, you know, it kind of always, it does start in your own little bubble. We have our bubbles, our lives, our communities, and creating change in our bubbles are a great way to start. And those bubbles can expand to your community and so on and so forth. and creating change in our bubbles are a great way to start. Um, and that can, and those bubbles can expand to your community and so on and so forth. So,

um, yeah. Um, we appreciate you guys tuning in, uh, this, uh, it's fun episode,

you know, it's, we've had a lot of great guests for our ass Knicks, but we thought it would be a great time to just, I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna, I'm just going to handle this one on my own, you know? Yeah.

Give them the full-on Nick coverage. And we got some great calls today. Yeah, some great calls. A lot of discussions about nudes and some insecurities about what we do with these nudes. And there's, wow, some wild calls. Yeah. But you know what? We appreciate people sharing their stories. Without you sharing your stories we don't have this show so we we sincerely thank you uh to our callers for being so open and honest about their situations and uh helping us all learn that so many of these calls are so relatable whether whether it's specific or not, but the situations and the feelings they bring up inside us are what's the most relatable thing. So as always, don't forget to send in your questions at asknickatcastmedia.com, cast with a K.

And we'd love to hear your stories for the people who have not emailed us in yet. But other than that, anything else to add, Chrissy? No. have not emailed us in yet. But other than that, anything else to add, Chrissy? No, I'm excited. I've been excited getting to know people as they like send in their questions and stuff. It's been fun getting to know people. Yeah. We definitely appreciate the vulnerability of our listeners and our callers. So as always, thank you so much. We appreciate it. And and without further ado let's get to it how's it going pretty good how are you good what's your name good i am uh jennifer i'm 24 hi jennifer 24 how can i help okay so So this is just wrought with all sorts of issues.

So I have been dating my fiance for just over three years. You're still together? Still together. Yeah, yeah. So yeah, just for three years. And so I've told you guys in the email. So he's 16 years my senior. Okay. I've always dated older guys.

I was pretty accelerated in school, graduated really young from undergrad, graduate. I was an only child. So I was just around older people all the time. It was much more comfortable for me. And I'm super intimidated by anybody my age. much more comfortable for me. And I'm super intimidated by anybody my age. I think it bothers me to be around younger girls because I have rock bottom self-esteem. So, you know, I just don't like the way I look. I don't like being around girls my age. It was just easier to date, I think, older. So I think part of what I took for granted is dating older guys. I was always the younger, youngest girl kind of in our circle.

And kind of fast forward to now, my fiance, the closest person that he talks to is his nephew, who's a year or two younger than me. So a little bit of a situation I'm not used to, because again, I think I was just taking for granted the fact that I was the youngest and now I'm not because now he's dealing with girls that are much younger and hotter and all that stuff so um so we started dating and five or six months into the relationship it just became kind of a running joke with the three of us that his nephew would test Texas pictures about girls that he was with or he wanted to get with and we would just kind of tease him about whether we thought they were hot whether he should go for them how's the sex all of that

okay so naturally you know three or four months into it i was like hey like what does he think of our pictures just naturally assuming that he had been sending, there was some reciprocity there and he had been sending pictures as well, kind of comparing. When you say our pictures, what do you mean by our pictures? Like, you know, Christmas cards? Yeah, well, some of that, a little explicit, you know, nothing. I don't know that I wasn't scantily clad in a lot of them. I don't know that I wasn't scantily clad in a lot of them. But some of these pictures you were showing his nephew and you were naked. My face is not in them.

So they're kind of, yeah. But he knows it's you. Right, right. Now here's the thing. So I understand that's probably not kosher, but that was just their relationship anyway. I just kind of jumped into it. So that was not any sort of thing that I set up.

That was just the thing that they had going. And I just assumed it was kind of antiseptic. I just assumed it was just kind of just what they did from an objective point of view. But yes, I thought it was also weird, but it doesn't bother me. Go ahead. Did you have a question? Yes, I thought it was also weird, but it doesn't bother me. Go ahead. Did you have a question?

When he was sending you guys pictures, I just want to make sure I have it clear. You know, was he sending you like pictures of their Instagram of this is a girl I'm interested in. Should I go for her? Or this is a girl I hooked up with. Here's a here's a scandal. Here's a naked picture of her. Or here's a video. Like what was he sending back and forth? The gamut.

So it would start out as just kind of a clean picture. Hey, here's your Instagram. Go check her out. Let's give an initial rating, one to 10, whatever. And then it would just kind of progress from there. So yeah, so eventually in game, we were getting all sorts of media. Okay. Yeah, every angle, you know, all that, right? Nothing that we all haven't seen before. But yeah, so it was just kind of equal on both sides. So naturally, my thought was, being an open book, I was like, cool. You know, what does he think of our pictures,

just kind of joking, right? Assuming that was the relationship. He was like, well, I don't, cool. You know, what does he think of our pictures? Just kind of joking, right? Assuming that was the relationship. He was like, well, I don't send them. I don't want my nephew, best friend, brother, whatever, thinking that way of you. And had it stopped there, that would have been a perfectly logical assumption. And I would have been, cool, that's what I would have said in the same situation. Now, my issue is, fast forward, we'll be in another context, it'll come up later. Now, my issue is, fast forward, we'll be in another context. It'll come up later. And he's like, well, in our culture, and I won't say which, but in our culture,

anybody other than your significant other doesn't see you as anybody more than a sister. Also cool. But to me, those two can't be the same thing. Those can't be true at the same time. Because if that were true, then why not send the picture? So my assumption is that having rock bottom self esteem, that the pictures weren't good enough to send, right, especially if that was to be expected in the relationship. You know, um, so that was kind of my assumption as a girl. Now, logically, I know, that's probably not the case. But that's

what my mind immediately goes to. I'm like, well send the pictures if we're all doing this anyway you know why wouldn't you brag why wouldn't you do all that so that's my first assumption um so my thing two issues for me number one you know is why those two answer why i'm getting two different answers one day i get it well i don't want my brother nephew whatever seeing you like that and then the other day as well they would only see you as a sister anyway so why not send the pictures and then my second thought is my second question i guess is why do i feel the need to compete when quite frankly i know i can't hold a candle to these girls anyway that he's hooking up with but i don't want to lose to a girl if I'm not even in the game, you know? Okay. It's a lot going on here.

I want to make sure I'm recapping accurately. So you guys are sending these pictures back and forth and you're receiving pictures of your fiance's cousin and his escapades. And you know that your fiance is seeing them. You're not necessarily sure of what he's thinking about them. But he's telling you that this is some sort of guy code of like getting these images or whatever. And then you recognizing you have your insecurities about yourself are feeling like you're creating this kind of narrative in your head that the real reason why he's not sharing these images of you and him or specifically you is because you don't feel good enough or he doesn't want to brag about you. Right, right. Now I know how sick and twisted that is.

Like I get it. But my point is, is that I don't, why that's the relationship between the two of them, I don't know. Because it seems that I'm an open book and it still seems like a lot. So you mentioned something culture. Like, again, I'm not asking,

it sounds like you don't want to share that. That's fine. But it sounds like you don't want to share that that's fine but you're it sounds like your fiance is from his family is has is deeply rooted in whatever culture they have he's from another country oh he's from another country yeah and and they're all still there so he said so his nephew he's the only one from his family who has since moved to the u.s provides some context, only that maybe that's different. I don't know. Listen, here's the thing. I don't know. And so these women are from another country, I guess, or they're not here. And I'll put it lightly. I mean, it's an incredibly aesthetically pleasing country.

Okay. Well, that's just in your head i mean you've created this narrative a couple things i want to point out one is that this um this guy code idea i understand these this is happening in another country or whatever but the guy code thing is bullshit it's not okay like what i'm saying is like my guess is the thing i'm thinking about mostly when you're telling the story is i'm assuming these other women have no idea that these pictures are being passed around maybe they do sometimes i don't know but my guess is they don't and you know i think your biggest concern should be to your fiance and your cousin and you're and he's in another country so you don't have much

control over him is saying listen i don't feel quite comfortable with you sharing images of these women without their consent um i know guys do it it's not okay uh you have consent because that was that was my first question too i was like yo like first of all you know what i mean do they know i mean do you know for sure i I know, listen, I've had friends over the years, they've had, you know, their girlfriends send them nudes or whatever. And, you know, guys, they like to use it to brag. They're kind of a conquest, so to speak. I'm certain that most of the time these girls don't know.

I mean, listen, I think plenty of people or women out there who are sending nudes to their boyfriends with their faces cut off are, you know, recognize that they don't want it to be shared, but maybe they know that it is. But I'm just here to say they shouldn't be sharing it. And it's not something they should do without their consent. People are into kinky shit. And so maybe they want to. And if they want to say, hey, listen, do you mind if I share it with my buddies? And they say, it's okay. You know what? Fine. You know, if you guys are all into this kind of kinky stuff, more power to you. But I think when I just want to make clear about sending a message around like this guy coder, this is what guys do. And we share these kind of conquests. And if you're out there

and you're listening and you are someone who shares images with your boyfriend and you hear the, well, we just do it because we're guys, that's not a valid excuse. Particularly in your case, listen, you recognize the problem, you know, and the problem is you. No, I'm well aware. Listen, I'm looking at you. You're a beautiful woman. If you're going to sit there and compare yourself to every woman out there, you're going to feel really insecure. If you're going to constantly... And listen, I'm a competitive person. I have my insecurities. I get complimented, but it sometimes never feels like it's good enough for my own ego.

You just have to check it. It sounds like your insecurities are pretty intense and you're aware of them, and that's step one. But what are you doing to address that? Have you talked to a therapist about this? I mean, I only say that because it sounds like it's truly driving your actions in your in your life yeah um listen it's a messed up for you to even question whether your fiance's cousin is is getting images of you and i'm not saying that to judge you like you recognize that's a little taboo but you are feeding into your ego so much and your insecurities that the, and people do that.

Like the people do that, that they get so tunnel vision that even when they know it's like, this is not, this is a little messed up, but I don't care. I need your, it's just all about your ego right now. Your ego needs to constantly be feel like you're the best you're you're the best he's had you're the um and nothing is going to change that unless you address it there's nothing your fiance can do to satisfy your ego there's nothing um his cousin can do in terms of you know if if your insecurities are so strong your ego is so strong it's not going to matter who he's sleeping with or the images of these women. You're going to find a way to feel insecure about it. Figs. Well, hey, listen, we know that we are never more appreciative of our healthcare and frontline workers now more than ever with dealing with this pandemic.

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off the test when you go to modernfertility.com slash V-I-A-L-L. That means your test will cost $139 instead of the hundreds or thousands it could cost at a doctor's office. Get $20 off your fertility test when you go to modernfertility.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Modernfertility.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Yeah, I mean, there's definitely, it's insatiable probably to say the least in that sense. And I know that there's nothing that's going to pacify it. I just don't, I don't know where to go from it. I don't know. Is your husband aware of your, I mean, your fiance aware of these insecurities at your house?

Yeah, for sure. And I think we've talked about it and, you know, I've always had debilitating anxiety. I've always had debilitating anxiety. And I have always been open about that. need to do to stop feeling this way? Ask your fiance, listen, it would really make me, I understand, I hope that you have a relationship with your cousin that's deeper than sending nudes of women he's having sex with. So can you not do that anymore? Because this is how I feel and I need to work on myself, but I just want to feel like I'm not being compared. You should not want him to send, like keep that between the two of you have him help you um and he should the right answer that he should give you is yeah whatever you need you know he shouldn't debate you on this and i don't know that anyway i think you know where i'm at right

now is it's it's one of those obviously i don't want to dictate what he does but it's one of those like we both need to send pictures or or nobody you know what i mean so it's just it's a little bit of a pissing contest at the moment yeah this whole thing is kind of it sounds the way you're describing it's kind of gotten weird you just stop right right he shouldn't be if he wants to send you guys images of a girl he's like thinking about going out with but like this guy it's the way you're describing his cousin is a guy who has no problem meeting women and hooking up with women. And it's just feeding his ego. All right. It's a, it's a toxic behavior. So like you're feeding into this, like, this is not like some insecure guy's like, I kind of have a crush on

this girl. What do you think I should do? No, this is a guy who's constantly bragging to you and your fiance. So, you know, without making him feel judged, just be like, I don't, you know, listen, I don't really want to be a part of that. And like, that's all, I'm glad that you're having fun, but just stop the whole thing, you know, and just say, listen, I'm, I just, this is how it makes me feel. I don't want to see other women. I don't want my fiance seeing it. Like, yeah, you don't expect your fiance to be a priest. He recognized, you recognize that he's out there and the internet exists and you know, if he's going to, he's going to see other attractive women, but he doesn't need to see it from his quote unquote, as you say, best friend, cousin, someone who's so close that he thinks of him as a brother. It's like,

Well, how do I, how do I relay that to him without sounding? Cause I really, honestly, as insecure as I am, I don't know that I, it, but he's seeing their pictures. I don't,

I don't know is the part that bothered. So how do I relay that to him without it sounding like that's the part I have a problem with? Well, to say the whole, the whole, to say the whole thing has gotten a little bit out of control. It is about your insecurities and say like, listen, like this is how it makes me feel. I just, I don't feel comfortable with you constantly receiving these images of like, you don't have

to be close with them. Cultural differences not right um and you know he is your fiance he's here in this culture and like i'm not saying you should ask him to like remove his but but you know that that's not an excuse to do whatever he wants to say well this is where i'm from and it's okay here it's like he fine, but he's in a relationship with you and he has to be able to compromise like everyone in a relationship does. So yeah, just tell him that you're uncomfortable with it and why. The fact that it's leading you to even debate whether why he's not sending images of you is enough of a reason to say like, this is what I'm thinking. And I feel crazy thinking it and I know it's crazy, but it would really, I'd really, you know, there's like anything else when it's how you communicate it. If you like attack him and make him feel like he's doing something wrong, he's

going to get defensive. If you're just like, listen, this makes me feel the way I do. And it just, I would really appreciate if you don't, you know, because I want to, I want to get through these insecurities and I want your help doing it. And it would really mean a lot if you, if you ask them not to send these images because, you know, it, it makes me feel really insecure. The concern is you are letting your insecurities and your ego and the need to constantly be fulfilled to do some things that deep down, it doesn't sound like you're very comfortable with. But I just,

I think what I'm frustrated with is that I, you know, I have my own company. Like it's like, I'm used to be, I pride myself on being like chronologically relative a couple of years ahead. And it's like this part of me just never grew up.

I'm 26 going on 14 with it. And it's Yeah, well, you know, 26 is still pretty young. And people have a lot of growing up to do past 26. You know, recognizing that you still have things to learn. It sounds like again, you are very intelligent and maybe wise beyond your years. And that's all great. In fact, you date other men, totally fine. But it sounds like your challenge is this kind of juxtaposition between I'm smart and I'm accomplished and I have my own company versus I'm still doing immature things. They're not mutually exclusive. And so recognizing is a great first step, but now doing something about it and acknowledging that you need to help yourself in certain areas of your life doesn't mean that you're not overall a success.

I don't think that much of myself. I just feel... Listen, some of the people with the biggest egos have the biggest insecurities. Some people confuse that with like, oh, he has a big ego. He has no... Think about some of the people in the world today that you would think have the biggest ego and they're wildly insecure and they're doing things that constantly, you know, the whole like old school, like the guy who drives like the Porsche, you know, who like, yo, he must have a big ego. And he probably, you know, a lot of stereotypes about why guys drive expensive cars, right? You know, overcompensating for things. There's a lot of truth to that. You know, you are overcompensating in a lot of ways. So again,

just because I say you have a massive ego, your first thought is, but I'm insecure. I get it. That's what I mean. You're constantly doing things to feed your insecurities and your ego feels like it can handle these insecurities. And a lot of people make that mistake. And what you need to do is lean into your insecurities, acknowledge them, not try to feed, solve those problems by feeling your ego, but actually breaking down those insecurities, maybe talking to a therapist, you know, addressing them, like face them head on, not make excuses or do like superficial things that make you think feel make that you think make you feel better in the moment like a compliment

or you know having your your cousin think you're hot you know or you're you know things like that what's a good way to do i mean i guess the same answer but what's a good way to do, I mean, I guess the same answer, but what's a good way to deal with the fact that this dude's like completely out of my league. So how does that. What dude? My fiance. That's in your, it's in your head. Clearly he's not. You're in his fiance. Yeah.

Yeah. I wouldn't, I wouldn't fucking say that to him because I'll tell you what, people do that a lot. You know, you know, the person is is like how did i get you and then they keep and then the person you're dating is like well babe i love you you're great and then you keep saying that and one day they wake up you're like i don't maybe you are out of my league i'm just i'm hoping he doesn't realize it well stop stop planting that seed in his head um you will drive him away eventually if you if you constantly feel like you're not good enough. Yeah. Can I tell you something that's going to sound so corny and so like ridiculous, but it's something that I did that somebody recommended to me and helped me immensely

with my security. Cause I am like almost like physically the opposite of you. Correct. So like, but do you know what I'm saying? Like you are a beautiful girl. You're very smart. I can see that. Someone told me one day, go into your bathroom, take your lipstick, right? I am enough on the mirror and let it sit there for a week. And every day that you go into the bathroom, repeat that to yourself. And you would, it sounds so corny. I know it sounds corny, but you have no idea how, when you start telling your stuff that over and over again, instead of telling yourself, am I good enough for this guy over and over again, how much it starts to sink in. Yeah. As you say it, and I'm a salesman, like I, you know, if you say it enough, I mean, I'm sure it, some part of it, you know, by all things, it's a mantra and you're right. It can be corny and it can be helpful and uh

yeah you have definitely you know it's and then listen i you're anonymous and people can't see what you look like and you're a totally beautiful girl right like um and it goes to show that doesn't matter who you are what you look like people have a way of you know becoming more insecure and um yeah you just it really comes you need to like really can change your perspective on how you address your insecurities because saying you have them is step one but how you're what you're doing to address your insecurities i think you need to drastically change i yeah i mean something needs to change it's just it's living rent free in my head i mean there's this is too much time involved you know it's all consuming i mean to a degree you

know totally yeah you need to put a stop to this other other stuff and um these pictures and videos and you've, it's gotten toxic. So, but nothing you can't change and control. And you just have to really want to do it, you know? We just get in our habits of, you know, poor me, I feel this way, et cetera, et cetera, but you're not really willing to change anything about it. Well, when I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired, I'm sure. There you go. Well, step one.

But, yeah, I think that's what you got to do. All right. Take care. Okay. How's it going? It's going all right. Hanging uh how's it going it's going all right hanging in there during quarantine still kind of quarantined um but yeah my name is sarah and i'm 24 almost 25 happy birthday thank you he's not till august but that felt necessary that felt necessary to say August, but that felt necessary to say. So not that long ago, I would say, I don't know, a few weeks ago, I just kind of had this like weird feeling. And I'll preface it by saying that I

understand that this is probably not the best way to go about it. But it's what I did. And I just decided to go through my boyfriend's Google Drive. And he has a, an Android. So it, you know, it's what I did and I just decided to go through my boyfriend's google drive and he has a an android so it you know it's like synced to his phone so I go in google drive and I don't really have to like click on anything you know you just like it pops up and as soon as I open it there's like all of these um nudes from like all of his ex-girlfriends and there's like a sex tape on there from the girl that he dated right before me and i just didn't really know how to process it so i like called some of my friends and i was like i don't know what to do and obviously they're you know saying okay well you shouldn't have looked through his stuff I was like yes I know but I did and I can't unsee what I saw um so I ended up packing all my stuff up because I've been quarantining

at his house and I left and went back to my house and then we kind of talked about it and he got really upset and basically was kind of like it's you shouldn't have went through my stuff so like that's kind of what you get for going through my stuff, which felt kind of like gaslighting in a way. And I was like, well, you're not even like acknowledging what I'm like saying or what I found. And it was kind of just like get over it type situation. And like I asked him to delete them and he said that he did. And I went and looked again and they were still there. So it's just like a tricky thing. And then

he said that they, he wasn't looking at them regularly or at all. They were just there and he like completely forgot they were there and like, doesn't look at them. So he definitely didn't forget. I don't know how often he looked at them, but he definitely didn't forget. Yeah. That's how, that's what I thought. And I told him I was under the impression for me and my relationships that those kind of things you don't keep whenever you're in another supposed serious relationship with someone. How long have you been dating him? Six months.

Okay, so not too long. Yeah, not too long. And I was like trying i was like okay well i have to make a decision on whether or not i believe him and to move forward and so like i decided to like come back and figure it out but it's still kind of been a continuous like issue for me because i can't like get the images out of my head and then it makes me feel insecure and it's like I don't want to feel any of those things so I don't know if this is a red flag or if it's just something that I need to let go and move on from I don't know so that's why I'm

here uh okay cool uh well great great question um I think it's can I think it's very relatable uh to a lot of people out there nudes are a a tricky business and kind of a lot of a gray area of, you know, what's socially acceptable. I think people are becoming more and more kind of sexually advanced, I guess you could say, in terms of what's acceptable, what's not. And it comes down to what you're comfortable with. Do guys who have nudes or whatever those might be of exes or girls they dated or hooked up with immediately delete when they get into a committed relationship? It sounds nice, but they don't. Does that mean subsequently that they aren't committed to your relationship and still fantasize about these other girls all the time? Not necessarily. And oftentimes, probably not. these other girls all the time? Not necessarily. And oftentimes, probably not. It's just, listen,

yes, you were totally wrong by looking at his stuff. Yes, I know. Ideally, people should want to be in relationships where they feel comfortable enough at an appropriate time, whenever that is, and every relationship is different, to have these types of conversations. Hey, have you ever like, tell me about your past girlfriends did you guys send nudes oh like i don't know if have you and your boyfriend exchanged photos or videotaped yourselves at all i mean yeah there's definitely been photos that i've sent okay and uh my guess is that probably it's like that that's what causes us to raise questions in our head. Well, if I'm doing it with him, I'm guessing and I'm guessing he's asked, he's encouraged you to send him photos.

Of course. Yeah. And there's nothing necessarily wrong with that in a relationship to be turned down by your partner, be like, hey, babe, can you send me something? That's totally fine. But it clicked in your head and you thought to yourself well he's had other girlfriends they sent him other stuff i wonder if he has stuff of you know pics of them like that was definitely your train of thought that's caused you to like you know

justify your actions and yes and so um i guess what i'm saying is like, it does happen and you need to want to have these conversations that you should have, you know, again, when you have these thoughts and insecurities, you should feel comfortable enough in the relationship to have this conversation. Now, that person has the opportunity to lie or tell the truth at that moment, but that's what I was going to say. When you ask about red flags, those are the red flags you really need to take in consideration. You know, if you think to yourself, oh, I wonder if he has images like this, I want to talk to him about it. Well, I don't feel like he would tell me the truth. And if he, whatever he tells me, I don't know if I can believe him. That's the red flag. Now, does that mean, is that a reflection on him or is that a reflection on you

i don't know you know sometimes uh a lack of ability to believe someone is says more about yourself so yeah sometimes not trusting someone can come from yourself and it might come from things that they're doing that make you not want to trust them either way that's a red flag in the relationship, right? So, your desire to go behind his back and look is a red flag for the relationship in general, right? The fact that he has these images, like, I'm not here to say whether he's like some sort of creep for holding onto these images. Guys do it, all right? You should be in a relationship, however, that you should feel like in the relationship, you should have the comfort level to ask him to delete them and trust that he will if he says he won't. You have a right to do that in a relationship.

The reality is, since you've only been dating for six months and you're 24 and how old is he uh he's 25 right now he's 25 in the back of his mind and he's like well what if we break up you know like i don't want to get like what if i get back together i uh my what am i before like you know the age of the internet that what it is now my very first and I, like it was before it was a thing, you know, we had some pictures of each other, you know, and they were like in Polaroid cameras. And then like we broke up a bunch of times, right? So one time we broke up and then we got back together. And then we were both like, oh, thankfully we didn't get rid of these because like now we'll never break up again. And now we have these, you know, so it's such a gray area in terms of, of, of like, I think of myself,

if I dated someone in between that breakup and she asked me and in six months dating, I don't know. Like it's, uh, that, that part is kind of a gray area, but I strongly feel that if you are in a committed relationship and you believe in this relationship you have the right to ask them to delete it and you should feel like you can trust him it doesn't sound like you do he's proven regardless whether you were right or wrong for looking to have lied about some of this stuff so now you know he's capable of lying to you and so now you have a problem trusting him so as far as uh what you should do going forward i wouldn't get into the weeds too much about the the details of you were wrong to look uh he has these photos but the big picture problem is you don't trust the guy.

Yeah, that is the problem. And that's ultimately like why I did what I did because I didn't trust that he would tell me the truth. Because there was a little... Yes. And that's next time this happens in your next relationship, because I'm just going to assume he's not your guy. Next time you have these insecurities, do the right thing and talk to him about it. Maybe it is, I've been in this other relationship

where he did this. And before you violate his trust by going behind his back and looking at his phone or checking his emails, be willing to have a conversation with them about how you feel and what your insecurities are and what you're worried about. And if every person you date, you are worried that he's going to lie to you, then that's a you problem. Right. But hopefully you date someone who you just makes you feel like you can trust them through his actions and his words. You know, there's probably some things he does that give you a reason not to trust him. You know, every relationship's different. So, I find that the older you get and the more experience you get with dating, you will be better at having these conversations up front. You won't be so afraid to ask these questions.

You won't, you know, young women do this a lot too they'll ask their friends is it okay to ask this should i ask this is this like i don't want to be too controlling i mean i don't want to sound crazy i don't want to you know listen just fucking ask be like hey do you do this shit um i want to know you know yeah um yeah i think like though in like some of our conversations because i have tried to be very upfront about my insecurities because i do like though in like some of our conversations because i have tried to be very upfront about my insecurities because i do also come from like a very religious background so there's like all of those things that i have to like unlearn some religious guilt yeah about like you know sex positivity and all these things and so i've tried to be vocal about that and like

express my insecurities and he kind of just like plays it off as like social media like immaturity things um and i'm just like well i'm just trying to be like up front with you and express how i feel and then you're kind of turning it back on me for being like ridiculous that i would ever even no he is definitely he's definitely gaslighting you in these situations to defend himself um he's using your mistake to um justify what he's doing and just because you made the mistake of looking good behind his back doesn't mean he made the mistake of of holding on and again i'm not judging him for like not deleting it just because he got a girlfriend right away right and like the fact that he might have looked again and guys

you know when i asked him whenever i'm not saying it's right or wrong i'm just saying guys do it yeah well and he made the comment he was like why would i look at old content um which was like funny but also like he definitely does yeah he has he has and he might not him he might have gone months without looking and you know i'm not saying he's looking at every day i'm not saying it's part of a spank bank but i'm just saying he's looked um and you know we live in this age where this is like a new weird thing about dating now like nudes are a thing you know people send nudes we become more you know uh platforms like snapchat or even like dns and instagram where Instagram where they go away and things like that have given us a little bit more liberty.

And the truth is, in a relationship, that can be a fun exchange between a couple to do. There's no judgment here. But it creates confusion if that relationship doesn't work out or insecurities. I guess my, my final thought is this, you know, you stand your ground with things like that and whatever bothers you, you just have to be willing to say it. And don't worry about, you know, we say this, don't worry about being the cool chick and don't worry about sounding crazy. Just do what you think is right and stand your ground and stop, know address your insecurities before going behind their back to give them a reason to you know accuse you of doing things that are wrong

because people will do that right you know absolutely everyone and i talked i talked to my therapist about it and she was like yeah you you don't need to be doing that and i was like i know so it sounds like this relationship is creating way more confusion and insecurities than it's creating comfort and trust. And I think in relationships, we sometimes will then decide to fix these relationships instead of realizing that are not right for us. that are not right for us. And I don't think a six-month relationship at 24 years old is worth putting that much effort in and fighting for when there's this much distraction and mistrust in the relationship. Yeah, that's probably the truth. He's just a boy who's good at making you feel not good about yourself and and make and then

you know feeding your ego to try to you know feel good enough for him yeah i mean and you know he's not like a a bad person or you know he does do like some things you know the right sorry there's a book yeah i'm not i'm not yeah he's he's just a he's just a fucking boy he's just a guy he's a boy and i'm not saying and this is not a boys will be boys thing but yeah, he's, he's just a, he's just a fucking boy. He's just a guy. He's a boy. And I'm not saying, and this is not a boys will be boys thing, but yeah, I don't think he's a monster or a creep. I think he's just a guy too, but he, he, he's not good at me. And he sounds like he has some growing up to do a little bit. And the fact that he has at 25 years old so much content says to me he's gonna want to get more content you know there's one thing having a couple if the guy has a library and he's holding on to

his library it means he's something he's into and you either need to be into it too or you need you need to remove yourself some of the ones that he did have were from the ex-girlfriend before for me and he dated her for two years and had all of you know so that it's just it raised a lot of questions yeah so and again i i think he's yeah he's uh he's kind of sexually uh advanced comfortable asking, and you need to either get on his level and you don't need, if you want to be in this relationship, and it sounds like you're not quite there, and that's totally okay. And I wouldn't encourage you to act like you are or pretend that you are and do things that you're not comfortable with just to feel like you're good enough for him. That's a very good insight. Yeah, I don't think you should. I think you should break up with this guy. I don't mean like he's some sort of monster.

I knew you were going to say that. I was like, I was preparing myself. It seems clear that it just doesn't make you... Relationships that make you feel good about yourself and and um you should feel you should have not have confusion and insecurities and that always happens from time to time but it sounds like it's pretty that this that those feelings dominate this relationship yeah i would agree with that so all right well best of luck thank you so much i appreciate it all right all right thanks for calling in of course bye how's it going hi i'm jade i'm 22

from dallas hi jade 22 from dallas how are you i'm good how are you good how can i help so um i got out of a pretty serious relationship about a year and a half ago. And I've kind of been taking this time to, you know, make amazing friendships. I'm two thirds of the way through my grad program. I moved into my own place. So I'm not really in a rush to get into a relationship. So I am bisexual and I came out this year to my family. So that was a pretty big deal. Congratulations. Thank you. And I'm also Christian. So dating isn't, you know,

the easiest being a bisexual Christian. I mean, I guess this depends on who you surround yourself with but is your how did your family handle it i mean they were very loving and accepting i think um it's kind of a shock to them at first but yeah so i live in texas so it's a very like cultural christianity here sure it's not so so much the california christianity that you probably experience not as progressive but uh right right sure um okay so yeah your inside tips on how to navigate it uh well i mean like what are you are you struggling with some stuff right now or is this like a i don't know what i'm is it more based out of fear or actual experiences with feeling that? And are you asking in a way of like, are you a devout Christian who is active in your church and community and you're feeling this pressure to, you get what I'm saying?

Like, give me some more insight in terms of what do you mean by that? Other than like, hey, I mean, I grew up Catholic, you know, but I don't go to church as much right now. But at the same time, I don't feel that pressure. Yeah. So, I mean, I go to church. I have a great relationship with God. And I'm not really looking for somebody who's devout church-like. I've had experiences, extremes right so the super conservative christian

and then the super liberal doesn't believe in god and then kind of like the middle ground is where i'm at and what i'm kind of looking for so and i i listened to you and rachel and the way you guys spoke about faith and that's kind of like what i am as well. Yeah. I mean, listen, I think my guess is, you know, you're kind of going through this discovery process in your life, if you will, both internally as a person, your sexuality and your faith. And that's constantly evolving. It's constantly evolving. As far as being an active member in your church and feeling judged for your sexuality, you know, I don't really have a clear answer for you other than, listen, a lot of people, humans, have a lot of opinions about God, which I find to be ironic when you think about it. And listen, I believe in God, I know I'm not him kind of thing is something I actively... And we have a lot of assumptions about what's a sin and what's not. And certainly people love to get heated when they think they have it figured out. But at the end of the day, you know,

I guess we'll all find out when we, if we're lucky enough to meet the guy, whether we got it right or not. But until then, I think it's just important to follow your heart and surround yourself with people that make you feel good about yourself. And listen- And for me, that has been like my straight girlfriend.

So, you know, I have that, those kind of people around me, but finding like romantic partners that are kind of wearing that, it's been kind of like the extremes that I found, at bisexual friends that i have ones that are women if you meet a guy and you tell him you're bisexual you're gonna get a lot of questions uh a lot of oh that's hot or like yeah i mean listen the thing is like the fact that you're bisexual has nothing to do whether you have an interest in being in a monogamous relationship or not. You know what I'm saying? Like you can be a straight person and want an open relationship and being a swinger and you can be gay and want a monogamous relationship and you can be bisexual. So if you're bisexual and you happen to be attracted to men or women, if you're dating a man and you want a monogamous relationship, well, it has nothing to do with like, well, it's not like a jail free card to like mess around with

women. Right. Exactly. And so again, I think there's always going to be a lot of ignorance and you know, people, people don't know. And so I think you need to be, make sure whoever you're dating needs to have simply an open mind yeah right um they can be a devout christian and have an open mind um they and and honestly i've never felt like more in touch with my faith like then when i came out i feel the most authentic to myself i feel like this is the way god made me and you know what if my partner I want my partner to go to church with me. I want them to go to pride with me. I want them to go to women's marches.

You know what I mean? Like, that is so like, I think sexuality and Christianity go so hand in hand. And that's just my belief. So I'm just looking for a partner that feels the same. And that's the thing is, is that reality, especially in Texas, there's probably a lot of people who disagree with you, right? Yeah. And that's the thing is, is that reality, especially in Texas, there's probably a lot of people who disagree with you. Right. Yeah. And that's fine. And you just have to make sure you're surrounding yourself with people who allow you to be who you are, not feel a judgment. And that's a process, right? that you're still, again, figuring yourself out and that's okay. My advice to you, if I had any, is don't be in a rush. Again, regardless of your sexuality, you're only 22. Don't be in a rush to settle down. I'm not at all.

Take some time to continue to grow your faith at your age, especially now that you've kind of been more honest and open with yourself and your family and take some time to discover your, the type of relationship you want. You know, I don't know what it's like to be bisexual. So like, are you, are you bisexual, but you know, you want to settle down with a man or you, you, you may, might want to marry a woman. I mean, maybe you don't even... Yeah, so... I'm open. So given that, you know, and do you want to have a monogamous relationship someday? Yeah, I do.

Yeah, so that means you have a lot to consider, right? Because a monogamous relationship with a life partner who is a woman is a very different life than with a man by simple biology, you know, certain life choices. If you wanted to have a family, you're going to have to do it in a non-traditional way. That's fine. But you just have to make those. Yeah. So listen, I guess what I'm saying is you seem, like I said, to be in a discovery process of your life, which is pretty normal at your age. And I would just allow that to flourish and be

very open. And if it means, you know, maybe you will move someday, maybe you won't, I don't know. But my guess is you're still like, have some fear about judgment and people in your community. And that's normal. And you're definitely going to meet that. And, you know, you just kind of surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you. And that's all you know you just kind of surround yourself with people who who bring out the best in you and that's all you can really do yeah unfortunately all those people are straight and beautiful females that i can't be with have you like have you looked into like lgbtq like faith-based groups in your area at all i mean i know i live in la and like those kind of like exist but i'm sure there's got to be some that exist down there that maybe is a way that you can find a community and find some people that are aligned with what your goals are.

Yeah, that's a great idea. I'll look into that. Like churches that are more LGBTQ friendly. It seems like you might have an easier chance of, you know, it sounds like you have like when it comes to women and your attraction to them that you want to do more exploring in that area because maybe you've dated more men so far. Yeah. I mean, I've openly dated more men, I would say. Okay. Yeah.

And you might have an interaction with a woman who doesn't identify as bisexual or gay, but maybe she's curious or had two vodka sprites, you know, I don't know. No, no, I've definitely had, I've definitely had those experiences. I just like for the serious relationship, you know, it's a little different. Yeah. Um, I think you just have some, some discovery to do and, um, all you can really do is just be open you know but it sounds like you're on your way and um the christian element listen there's uh a lot a lot of people in this world a lot of christians and and um a lot of people have you know various struggles with um what they think is right and wrong. And, and, um, you know, we're all, we'll all figure it out at the end. Yeah. All right. All right. All right. You have a good day. All right. Best of luck. Thanks. Bye. All right. Bye-bye. But how's it going? I'm Hannah, 26.

Hi, Hannah, 26. Hi. So my email was super long. Sorry that you had to read it. So I'll try and make a really long story short and just kind of get right into it. I was dating someone from work, which is already a bad idea, for about about a year and a half um and i just found out in march that he was engaged for a year of that okay and so disgusting yeah so so um kind of i guess my question is and i know you know everyone's kind of just guessing. I enjoy a male perspective in general. All my girlfriends are like, well, he's just a bad person.

And that's what it is. And I just have a problem accepting just that. I guess my question would kind of just be like, just the why. I don't get it. I've never cheated on anyone. Obviously, in this situation, I'm not the one who got cheated on. That would be his fiance. Um, but I just like, to me, it's not just cheating. This seems like a full on double life. Uh, like he stayed the night at my house. He would like FaceTime me in the morning to wake up. Aside from like, I have no idea where she was because they live together. I just don't, I can't get the why.

Like, and I'll never know from him, obviously. I never said anything to him. I just, I DM'd her and told her and me and her texted back and forth for a few days. She ended up being the one to tell him that she knew. And I just kind of let that be it. So I never said anything to him. He never reached out to me and that was kind of it. So obviously I didn't, and I chose not to say anything I know I could have. But I just don't get, I just don't get why. Like that's a very long time. So when you. But I just don't get why. That's a very long time. So when you say why, you don't get why someone would lead a double life and cheat on their fiance and et cetera, et cetera? Yeah. I mean, I guess I don't know why either per se in the sense that I've never done that either. So

I don't know. I can't speak firsthand of why people do that. I mean, we can make a lot of guesses and assumptions. Clearly, he's got some issues. I don't know if it's as dark as him being like a full-on narcissist. Maybe, I don't know. Or he, you know, there's some sort of compulsive lying going on there. And maybe he's simply just a weak person who isn't happy in his relationship. And it was too much of a coward to end that relationship before he tried to move on to another one. Yeah. You know, testing things out with you before he fully left that relationship.

I don't know. Yeah. with you before he fully left that relationship i don't know um but i think more importantly you just need to figure out why you need to know why you know and my guess is you probably feel silly stupid naive uh you're judging yourself i should have known yeah and you're telling yourself well if i can understand why he's willing to do this, then I can not, then I won't judge myself for being duped as much. Yeah. That's why you're doing that. And I think that's really the more important piece here. Don't spend a lot of energy trying to understand crazy. Kind of hard to do. understand crazy kind of hard to do um and so listen you know uh my guess is if you i wouldn't spend too much time playing back the relationship in your mind and ruminating about it but yeah i think if you do that in the short term to remember conversations and red flags and things that he

said and did is a, you know what, you know what I, it felt wrong in my gut. It felt wrong in my gut. It seemed like something was off, but I didn't trust my gut in that moment. And a lot of people do that. It doesn't necessarily lead to realizing that the person they're hanging out with had a double life, but regardless people don't follow their guts all the time only to realize that their gut was right. And now they have an opportunity to go back and think, all right, you know what? Next time I feel this way, I'm going to trust my gut a little bit more.

Yeah. And I could recognize like the part, you know, it takes two to tango, like the part that I played in it. There was a million and one red flags. And what I thought was okay was just like, I would bring them up, you know, I would like bring him to my house, have like a sit down. What I thought was like an adult conversation and be like, this is weird. What's up with this? And then he would just have the perfect response. And I'd be like, okay, well, like I brought it up. So like, I still like noticed the red flag. How many times are you having these types of conversations in the

beginning of a relationship? This is a question, you know, like, well, there you go. That part's on you, right? Like, and I don't, I don't say that as a judgment part, but it's kind of fascinating how many people are willing to have these like crazy conversations about what's okay and what's not okay in like the first six months of a relationship. I mean, if you have this much disconnect with someone, if you're having all these conversations about things that don't make you feel good or right or things that feel off to you, regardless of how good they are explaining themselves, the important thing is this person is making you feel off more often than not in the early stages of relationship. That's all you need to know.

And you know what? That doesn't necessarily even mean that this person has a double life or, or et cetera, et cetera. It's just whatever it is and whatever their explanation is, this person constantly makes you feel off. And maybe that simply just means that you guys are two different people. But certainly it means that you're probably not compatible. And don't confuse that excitement of trying to figure them out

with the excitement of meeting someone you're compatible with. Because this confusion can be very much confused and masked with excitement about, oh, he's mysterious and I don't understand. Like, oh, wow, it's just I can't figure him out. And that's stimulating, you know, as opposed to that guy who like, oh, I love you. I'll do anything for you. You're like, eh, I'm bored.

Yeah. That's the weird part to me, though, is, I mean, everything you're saying is, yeah, it's like, it's like you understand the full situation. That's something that seems so bizarre to me, not to say that the entire situation is bizarre, but we had what I would recognize, you know, I've been in one before, a very toxic relationship. Like there was a lot of fighting. And like I said, I've never cheated on someone, but I would just imagine you would want it to be like carefree or something. Like, how are you having, why are you cheating on your fiance just to have a toxic relationship? Like, wouldn't you want it to be fun or something? All this energy trying to understand crazy. You know, I don't have an answer for you other than

right now you're getting in, you're starting to go down a path of having your own kind of toxic analysis of this relationship yeah and again i i do that too you know you're you're over analyzing a situation that you just need to accept happened yeah you need to learn from what happened as opposed to trying to like you're trying to process his intentions i mean that's kind of nuts when you think about it when you say it out loud i'm trying to like understand why he did what he did who gives a shit whether he you know i don't understand why he did what he did and i can make a lot of guesses on on why um on why he he chose to have a toxic relationship with you. Maybe he just likes drama.

I don't know. And it doesn't really matter. I don't want to spend a lot of time figuring out what his intentions were with this relationship he had with you. The important thing is that next time you're in a relationship you just need to learn from this and and better recognize red flags and and better recognize your ability to trust your gut you know and not let this become make you paranoid don't look for problems but when things come up you go this doesn't feel right i. I felt this before. And address that feeling as opposed

to, you know, a lot of times, you know, it's scary to like have a gut feeling, you know, especially if you're committed in a relationship because you're like, oh, my gut tells me something. And if my gut's right, I'm going to feel stupid. I might lose this person. I might feel silly. I might be heartbroken. So we want, part of the reason why he was able to convince you of these things is because you wanted to be convinced. Yeah. So it wasn't as hard to convince you of the lie he was telling than you think. Because you were like, you were willing to believe anything.

It had to be somewhat believable because you didn't want to believe that this shit was going on. And so you just have to become a little bit more bolder and a little bit more braver to trust your gut. And it's scary to trust your gut. It's hard to do. It's a learned behavior. It's a skill. Yeah. Because the truth does hurt sometimes. So sometimes it's easier to accept the lie. Yeah. So that's it.

That's all you really need to do. Yeah. So stop trying to understand why he did what he did. Focus on what you did and going forward, what you can do to avoid these situations. And I don't mean avoid a guy who has a double life, but avoid guys who make you feel confused and give you a bad feeling and not trying to fix that feeling, but not, you know, there's a million different ways you can have a toxic relationship. not you know there's a there's a million different ways you can have a toxic relationship so this behavior that you're you're getting yourself into is oh is is you're at risk of

finding another toxic relationship even if it doesn't mean he has a double life so um trust your gut all right all right well thank you for calling uh best of luck you're gonna be fine okay thanks all right take care you too all right bye-bye bye well thanks for listening everybody another fun episode um what are we what did we learn today what are what are our big takeaways trust your gut seems to be a theme uh insecsecurities. Believe in yourself. Nudes are so tricky. Just find your voice. I guess it's a common theme, but we can never remind ourselves too much of that. But as always, thanks for listening, guys. We really appreciate it.

Don't forget to send in your questions at asknickatcastme.com, cast with a K. Don't forget to send in your questions at asknickatcastme.com, cast with a K. We certainly appreciate your stories and your willingness to share them. And obviously, continue to support the people around you, people who are different than you. Try to amplify the voices of your friends who maybe not have been as privileged as you. And as always, we sincerely appreciate you listening, taking the time to join us. Don't forget to send in your reviews on iTunes. And anything else, Chrissy?

Five stars. Five stars, baby. We will see you on Wednesday.