The Viall Files - E142 Ask Nick - Have the Uncomfortable Conversations with Maria Viall

Episode Date: June 22, 2020

This week we are joined once again by holistic nutritionist and actual sister of the show Maria Viall. She talks about digestive health and how you may be cutting out food from your diet when you may not need to. On this episode we speak with someone who is finding that the power dynamics in her throuple are not working for her, a woman’s who realized that during her first experience in dating the relationship was just long enough to cover the absence of his girlfriend, and how to find closure while you continue to work with an ex - and who asked your best friend to date. We'll find out why him being a narcissist doesn’t really matter after it’s over.  "You don’t have to be a narcissist to be a dick." Send you sex and relationship questions to [e-mail] THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: CROSSROPE: crossrope.com/viall TRUE BOTANICALS: truebotanicals.com/viall SHIP STATION: shipstation.com CODE: VIALL WARBY PARKER: warbyparker.com/VIALL Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall Krissy Lindquist @thekrissylindquist Maria Viall @mariaviallhealth See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what's going on everybody happy monday to you all welcome to another episode of the vile files ask nick edition i'm your host nick uh joined by my producer chrissy chrissy how are you doing? I'm doing good. It's a good thing it's Ask Nick and you're the host, Nick. So that makes a lot of sense. Yeah. You know, just in case any of you are confused, I'm Nick. Nice to meet you all. I don't, do I need a, maybe I should, maybe I don't have to introduce myself anymore. I don't, I, that seems dumb. It seems, yeah, it's nice. It's nice. You never know if you have a new listener how are you doing what's going on with all this instagram stuff oh what do you mean oh my uh me being body shamed you're talking about yeah you're being like body shamed that was that was wild so uh you know they they aired caitlin's recap season last monday night so

here i am i'm like you know what i'm going to have some fun with, you know, like a fucking thirst trap photo. And I'm getting dumped on national. I'm reliving my dumpage on national television. And so I'm like, yeah, I'll post this. And look, I looked really lean. I've been running every day. I look particularly lean in this photo with just the way I was standing. And I'll tell you what, I got body shamed like crazy. And like, for those of you who know me, my dear listeners,

I think you are aware that I am not lacking in the confidence department when I take my shirt off. in the confidence department when I take my shirt off. And I only say that because I hate to admit how much it bugged me. It really bothered me. People were just telling me how I should eat, that I look sick, questioning my mental health. It got to me. It bugged me.

Because you put so much effort into being healthy and doing what's good for your body. So for people to judge you on it. It was just what really made me think about my episode with Megan Tonjes about how we're so quick to just point out appearances. And again, I posted, obviously, another. It was an excuse to post another shirtless photo let's be honest but um it just like listen the point is if it can get to me i i really and i don't lack confidence and again i'm fine but man it uh it definitely bugged me it's like you read these comments and you want

to like scream out loud but but i'm doing this or or it was just the photo. And it's just like, it affected my mental health. I am embarrassed to admit that. I do not like admitting that the internet gets to me. But I felt maybe it'd be beneficial to acknowledge it. And again, just be mindful when you're out there or even when you see a friend and you want to first comment on their appearance. Like, see a friend and you want to first comment on their appearance, like, Ooh, you're looking a little thin or whatever you want to say. Just know that like you might fuck them up in their head a little bit.

So just, uh, you're a strong person and there might be people doing that to people who don't have the mental capacity to be able to take it and kind of brush it off. And that's even more terrible. Well, that's,

that's kind of why I put, I'm fine people. I, I'm not looking for pity or sympathy and i i don't need you to dm me to tell me uh to compliment me if that's if you're so inclined i'm okay but it uh it really was uh um it really was something um so so anyways just a a great uh opportunity just to remind people, hey, you know, try not to, like, fuck up someone's day because you want to comment on their physical appearance. And, you know, it's really fascinating, this podcast, how educated I've become and more in tuned.

how educated I've become and more in tuned. And I, I don't want to seem like some like overly sensitive person. And I even get defensive saying that it bothered me. But yeah, it was it was crazy. But it's a nice segue into our episode today. My loving sister Maria is joining us. I know you all loved when she was in the past, so we're bringing her back. She shares some great dietary tips about some, you know, we have a way of cutting things out of our diet and doing some drastic changes, and she has some helpful tips about that before we get into some new calls. But I always enjoy Maria joining. I know you guys do as well, especially when she gives some of her holistic nutrition tidbits for free. And so yeah. And

again, Maria, I've said this before. Maria is someone I know she got in this whole bit because she's a tall woman and people would call her big. And that made her self-conscious about her weight. And it's really kind of fascinating and not a great way about how we can do things. So, you know, I know people will be like, oh, you can't say anything without offending someone. Listen, I'm not offended. It's just, just be careful because you can hurt, you can hurt people's feelings. And again, imagine doing all this work and working out or eating right

and then changing how you feel, changing how you look and you feel great about it and you're confident or maybe you put on some weight, whatever it is, and then someone critiques it. That can really set you back in terms of feeling good about the progress you've made. Does that make sense? Am I just rambling, Chrissy? I don't know. You make sense. Anyways, as always, people, I love you. Thanks for listening. Let's get to Maria and some of

our callers. Don't forget to send in your questions at asknick at castme.com, cast with a K. your questions at asknick at castmedia.com, cast with a K. Always looking for some fresh, juicy questions. And lastly, we sincerely appreciate you talking about our podcast, sharing it on your social. That helps immensely, and it means a lot to us. So thanks to those who have done it, and we will try to keep giving you guys shout outs when you do.

If there's nothing else, Chrissy, let's just get to it. Let's do it. Let's bring on Maria. The world is changing people. We're staying inside. We still need to work. We still need to run our businesses. And as you guys know, ShipStation is near and dear to my heart because of how we get things done with natural habits. Listen, shipping is a huge part of every business, doesn't matter how big or how small. Now more than ever, in terms of getting products out to your customers in an efficient way, affordable way, customer service, always very important. And again, ShipStation helps you do that with a lot of ease. So whether you're shipping USPS, FedEx, UPS, even Amazon fulfillment, ShipStation has you

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Maria, how you doing? I'm good uh we thought uh we would make maria come back uh we've had her on a few times before and uh talk about uh health and wellness as she is a holistic nutritionist and i know a lot of you enjoyed having her on so we wanted to bring her back as well as help us answer some fan questions. Well, before we get into our callers, I know that the listeners always enjoy some quick tips when it comes to some of our diets that we're doing. And I know you've recently been talking a little bit about a particular topic and thought maybe you could share some insight with our audience. Yeah, for sure. You know, one thing I've noticed has been coming up quite a bit

in, you know, clients I see and just questions I'll get from people is, you know, like kind of eliminating things from your diet. And this is really popular, I think, as well in just holistic health or nutrition circles is like, oh, you don't digest gluten, get rid of it. You don't digest dairy, get rid of it. You have trouble, you know, with grains, get rid of them. And so a lot of people will come to me being like, well, I've got this list of like six things I eat, right? I eat like salmon, broccoli, berries, you know, whatever it is. And they're, and so they kind of feel one limited on what they can eat. And then to, you know, kind of questioning, like, I am confused on how to continue this, because it doesn't really seem to be sustainable. And I think the bigger

question in those situations is, you know, why can't you digest those things? Now, granted, there are some things that are legitimate food allergies, you know, people who are celiac or like have an anaphylactic reaction to like peanuts, right? You can't eat them. But for the most part, you should be if throughout most of your life, you ate these foods, fairly problem free, you should still be able to eat those foods without having massive belly bloat or having breakouts or digestive issues, weight gain, all of those things. So the bigger question really is, is like, how is your digestive health? Like taking a really good look at how your body actually like breaks down food and uses it because you can continue to cut foods out. But it's not going to solve the problem, you're just going to

have a new food that you then have trouble with. So you know, some one of the things I wanted to talk to you about today was just like little things you can actually do to improve your digestion. Now, I'm not saying you do this once or twice, and all of a little things you can actually do to improve your digestion. Now, I'm not saying you do this once or twice, and all of a sudden you can eat a loaf of bread, no problem. But these are things that I would suggest people to try doing every day for a while to see if they notice an improvement in digestion or a decrease in symptoms of indigestion or, you know, uncomfortable bathroom situations. So, you know, something as simple as a lot of people might do this, wake up, have hot water with lemon in the morning.

That really can help kind of get your digestion going right away in the morning. The other thing would be is to try to wake up at the same time every morning. So waking up at the same time. And I know this is hard with like- Why is that beneficial? Because your body has like certain rhythms. Your body does better if it is in some sort of routine. And so if you wake up six o'clock one morning,

you wake up eight or nine the next morning, ideally you should be having your elimination time, for the most part should be shortly after you wake up, you know, you wake up, you go to the bathroom, hopefully, we're getting rid of a lot of stuff in that bathroom break. But if you change your sleep time, you're not only kind of messing up your cortisol, which is your wake up hormone and your stress hormone, but you're also messing up your digestive rhythm and routine. So waking up at the same time every morning, starting with, you know, either warm water or warm water with lemon, that can be really helpful.

One thing, and this is something I'm really bad at, I know Nick's really bad at, our whole family is really bad at, is slowing down when you eat and like chewing your food. Because like when you chew your food, you have to think about it like your mouth is like the first thing that breaks down those nutrients. Like your stomach doesn't have teeth. Right? Like your stomach doesn't have teeth, right? So you really want to break down the food you're eating so that when it gets to your stomach, it's not having to do as much work to get to the nutrients that you're eating. So taking time to sit down and be relaxed and chewing as much as possible can really help decrease things like bloating.

It also can help decrease things like gas or. It also can help decrease things like, you know, gas or discomfort later in the day. So that would be another tip, super simple, you don't need to have anything at home for any of these tips. They're just things that the more you do, the more benefit you notice. The second thing I would say is try as much as possible to combine your food a little bit so that you're not eating these big, huge, complex meals. Most people tend, they find, to digest fruit better if it's eaten by itself. So maybe like a smoothie in the morning, but not something that you would eat at the end of a meal. This fruit digests really fast. So being smart with when we eat our fruit.

And then the last thing I would say in regards to all of it is really try to eat meals. And I know I've said this before. Try to eat meals, not snacking or grazing. So eat your meal. Stop. Go do life. Eat your meal. Stop.

Go do life. Not like eat your meal. Okay, an hour goes by. Okay, now I'm going to have a handful of nuts or I'm going to have an apple or I'm going to, you know, dig into some chips or something. You're better off eating those foods at a meal and then stopping eating and then giving yourself at least four hours in between meals to give digestion a break. Otherwise, you're just kind of piling food on top of it and it's never actually able to kind of get through the whole mess of broken down food that you piled in your stomach. So doing little tips like that, I noticed

people improving digestion in general. Granted, if there are some pretty significant indigestion things going on, there are some things you can look at and figure out if you have some indigestion things aside from gas. Like if you aren't, I'm just going to say it, if you're not pooping every day, that is some sluggish digestion. We need to get that figured out. If you're pooping more than three times a day, also not great. We got to figure that out. If you're, if you eat in an hour or two later, you get super bloated and uncomfortable where like your pants kind of need to be loosened You got some digestion issues if you burp a lot Those are digestive issues and then if you notice when you eat certain foods

You just have a really dramatic drop in energy like you almost feel like you could fall asleep after eating certain foods Again, that's just kind of weak digestive strength. So those are all kind of indicators. And again, they can be indicators of something small that if unaddressed over a length of time can sometimes become something more chronic like heartburn or acid reflux. And so we really want to look at the whole picture and really try to address the key problem versus just removing foods constantly out of your diet,

because you're going to wind up with spinach, and then you'll find a reason why spinach isn't digesting. So that's my tip. Well, that's very helpful. I hope those listening find that beneficial. I know a lot of our listeners have found this really informative. And it's amazing how much we can do to help our bodies by just kind of having healthy habits and changing some small things. If people wanted to learn more, Maria, and work with you directly, where habits and changing some small things. If people wanted to learn more Maria and work with you directly, where can they find you? My website's Maria vile.com.

And you can shoot me an email or send a contacting there. And on Instagram, it's Maria vile health. You can shoot me a DM and there, if there's a question that like warrants a bit more than just a simple thing, you know, I'd say, shoot me an email through my website. there's a question that like warrants a bit more than just a simple thing, you know, I'd say shoot me an email through my website so we can kind of take a look. Awesome. Uh,

well, uh, thanks for dropping some knowledge, uh, for free, uh, to our listeners. And,

um, yeah, it's a, it's a fascinating, that digestion is, uh, it's also like kale. No one really gave a shit about it 10 years ago

yeah you know i was thinking about like grandma like grandma was like our grandma was like missed health like she put chicken livers and soup she knew barley green right i'm thinking grandma never had kale shit i don't even think grandma ever had like like there's certain things now have become so trendy it's like where was kale like no one yeah like no one no one talked about your digestion uh no and i think a lot of times there was just some innate habits that like we as with society have gotten worse we're late night eaters there's more fast food there's more crap in our food right like back then organic was food, right? They weren't like, well, where's the organic section? All of their food was right. So times change, food industry changes, our habits change,

but yeah, it's simple stuff, right? It's not taking super expensive supplements. It's not, you know, um, doing these really drastic detoxes. I mean, sometimes certain cleanses can definitely help, but it's really just like these really small things that if you just start with that, you'll probably notice some benefits. And then if there's, you know, bigger rocks in the water, like, you know, we can work on getting those out. For sure. Well, thanks for sharing. Let's say we get to these questions, shall we? Sounds good. Always appreciate you guys listening.

And we certainly always need your questions. So don't forget to email us at asknickatcastme.com, cast with a K. And we'd love to have you on the show. And if there's nothing else, let's get to it how's it going good how are you i'm doing great how can we help um i'm Catherine. I am 24. Hi, Catherine. Hi, Catherine. We have a weird relationship. So my boyfriend is 10 years older than me. We've been dating for about three years. And pretty recently, we talked about how we're not the most happy

in our relationship. And we've been watching these people on youtube that are like in a relationship with like three people and we're like hey what if we try that like we've been together for so long um and like we've made it work um what's so long trying that i mean we've been together for three years but we've been i, we've been together for three years, but we've been friends for most of my life. And so we tried this out and I just, I don't know. I don't feel comfortable with it and I've tried to voice that and it hasn't really seemed to be the biggest fan of me voicing um that's a concern

kind of to the point of do i just walk away do i continue to try to voice my opinion on this or where do i go from here yeah uh well i mean what why do you other than you've been with him forever and you're very comfortable with him in your life, and in a lot of respects, it's all you know, what are some reasons you would want to stay in the relationship? I feel like comfortability is a huge part of it. Sure. But that would go back to, again, the time.

So other than you're very comfortable with this situation um and well not this situation but just him being in your life yeah is there anything else um i mean not being able to like find the one like the person i will settle down with eventually and have kids because it's conversations that we've already had together um so i think that's a big thing is like a goal in my life is to be able to have children so not finding that person essentially would be a fear okay well that's a fear everyone has and that's that is normal um but it sounds like this relationship is going down a path that's not going to lead to that anyways. I mean, I'm not saying if you're in a throuple, you can't have kids,

but I mean, listen, I don't know a lot about that world, and we talk a lot about nontraditional relationships on this podcast, of which I think it's fun to explore and it's such an interesting concept. But as I mentioned in other episodes, you know, whether it's threesomes or throuples or whatever, this really truly has to be a mutual decision, you know. If it is meant to be a healthy thing for two people you know and i don't know the dynamics

of a thropple but again like every relationship is different but it has to be mutual and a lot of times these attempts at making these relationships non-traditional are often instigated by one person more than the other. And then you often have the other person reluctantly going along with it, trying to appease their partner out of fear of losing them and losing the relationship. So that's what it seems to mean. The you know the biggest concern is you express this and then he ignored you right um yeah it doesn't matter if you agreed to it at one point you know consent uh about anything in a relationship can always be changed um you have the right to change your mind even if it's trivial things um not everything you agreed to is written in stone. Even it's as simple

as deciding you don't want to watch a movie you agreed to watch in the morning. And you're like, I'm not in the mood for that anymore. And certainly you have the right to say, I don't want to bring in another person into this relationship. I tried to consider it. It makes me awkward. But this person doesn't seem all that interested in what you want. So can I, can I ask a little bit deeper question? What, why are you on?

Why is the relationship unhappy? Like, what about it? So I don't know. I just feel like it's made me feel more insecure. Okay. And that like i don't want to say we're long distance but like we're longer than most people like it's an hour drive between our homes um and i feel like now that we've added this person it's just become more attention goes to this other person so this is is not like a topic you guys discuss.

It's happening. Yeah, I was going to say, so this person's already in the relationship. Yeah. Okay. In about a month. And so you initiated the idea of it. He wasn't great with it.

This person's in it. Can I ask the gender he he initiated it he and i'm sorry he initiated you're not thrilled with it i mean i went along with it because i was like what's the you know what's the worst that could happen yeah so just he brought it up you were like i guess and he did it and you were like no actually this sucks yeah yeah eventually i'm sorry is there just like a is there fear okay let's say this third person leaves let's say you guys agree this isn't great they leave are you still happy in the relationship? I don't think so. Okay.

Because I feel like it's created those like insecurities and those doubts already. Yeah. I mean, this is a, people all the time attempt to put band-aids on problems and relationships to mend them. And this sounds like an all time. it's just like,

it's just like putting an infected bandaid that is full of bacteria and diseases on a wound that's only going to make it worse. I actually think it's more. It's not even, I think, trying to fix it. It's almost like. Is it? It's an excuse. I mean, I think he just wants to sleep with other people. Well, that's what i mean so it's not it's more so um maybe

if you guys are both unhappy and there you guys have known each other for so long there's maybe a deeper emotional connection of walking away and so it's kind of like when you're at a job and they want to get rid of you and instead of firing you because they don't want to have to deal with all the crap that goes with it, they kind of just make life really crappy. So you quit on your own. Yeah. And, you know, I don't think it's fair for you to kind of stay in a situation you're not comfortable in the first place. And understanding that fear of like, well, who else will I meet?

I'm going to pose the other thing. Let's say you stay with this person and you've been together for three years. Granted, you've known each other for a long time. That's such a short amount of time. I know it feels really long. It's so short. Now, imagine you're with this person for, you have kids and you're together now for 20 years. That's a very long time to be unhappy with another human that you're both mutually taking care of.

It's not as long as it feels. And more specifically, it doesn't really even matter. Right. You know, comfort is definitely a really... If comfort isn't your top three reasons why you're in a relationship, you're probably in the wrong relationship. You know, comfort's nice, but like that's just like a cherry on top thing. You know, it shouldn't be a driving force of why you're in a relationship. And listen, that first love, that person in your your life it's the hardest to get over there's

either because of the comfort because it's the the unknown is that much more scary you know for someone like myself who's had a handful of relationships not work out you know for whatever reason i have this kind of ability to be like well you know i'll find another you know i've got over this i'll get over that um i didn't always feel that way. I am a creature of habit. You guys know this. I think you know this about me. Obviously, staying active, staying in shape is important to me. And even in working out, you need to like one of the most important things to get progress is to change up what you're doing. I just found this new great workout cross rope. It's it's jumping rope. They have all the they have different styles of jump ropes. This is a big, thick, heavy one. So you actually can

get some really nice muscle density with it. And it's just a way to change it up. Jumping rope is an excellent workout. So they have these different ropes. There's an amazing app you can use, track your progress, set different goals, whether you want to get strong or get lean. I like it. I've been doing it at least three days a week. And so I've incorporated jumping rope into my normal, like working out and working out from home, running, I do some boxing, and now I'm incorporating jump rope. It's amazing. And again, like I love working outside of my home, I'm saving a lot of money not going to a gym. I love it. I'm surprised how much I benefited from jumping rope. And I'm, again, working out different types of muscles

and I couldn't recommend it more to you. You will not regret it. It's a ton of fun. Everyone's familiar with regular jump ropes, but they also have weighted ropes, which combine high intensity cardio, full body strength training. It's amazing what you can do when you mix up your routine.

The plyometrics of it all is a fantastic workout and I highly recommend it. So if you're ready for new cardio in a full body home workout, visit crossrope.com slash V I A L L. Get up to $40 off your cross rope set plus free shipping when you check out today at crossrope.com slash V-I-A-L-L. That is C-R-O-S-S-R-O-P-E dot com slash V-I-A-L-L. Crossrope.com slash V-I-A-L-L. You've heard me say it before, people, but your skin on your body is your largest organ that you have and everything you put on it is going into your bloodstream. So if you're going to do that, make sure you're using the highest quality products possible. Isn't that right, Chrissy?

That's right. The big thing about True Botanicals is that it truly nourishes your skin. And when used together with the repair serum, it increases skin hydration, which is something I can feel already just using it for a few weeks. It's really easy. The Radiance Oil comes with a dropper. You take a couple of drops and you put it in your hand right before you go to bed at night. And then you rub it into your face and your skin. And then you take two pumps of the serum and then you put that on

top of it. And then you wake up in the morning, your skin is bright. All these products are lightweight and very absorbent. It's made without 5,000 known toxic ingredients. So whether you're looking for an effective anti-aging regimen, seeking a sensitive skin safe solution, battling pregnancy hormones, or struggling with acne prone skin, True Botanicals has a natural formulation that will protect and nourish your skin. Get 15% off your first purchase at TrueBotanicals.com slash V-I-A-L-L. That's 15% off your first purchase at truebotanicals.com slash V-I-A-L-L. That's truebotanicals.com slash V-I-A-L-L. When I was 24, I definitely had a lot of fear about finding someone else and my ability to move on. And I doubted it at every turn.

And I stuck in toxic and broken relationships based on that fear. So you're just going to have to get over it. But the good news is you have a lot of reasons that justify your decision because, you know, this kind of sounds a bit fucked up and selfish of him. And he's huge red flags going on here. He doesn't seem interested in an anthropal. He seems interested in having sex with someone else while you are right on the sideline for whenever he wants to. Yeah. He's really manipulated this situation to his benefit. My guess is you're wasting so much energy on this guy in this relationship. And it's taking all of your emotional and mental capacity to do so. And it's doing nothing to benefit you. And imagine what you can do for yourself if that energy was allocated to something more productive. And you should actually maybe thank him for doing this throttle thing, because man, what a great reason to just be like, you know what?

I'm out. You know, if there's any resistance that you are worried about, like if there would be any pushback, if you were like, hey, I'm done. Like this is kind of like Nick said, a really good like not just a red flag. I almost feel like it's like a nail in the coffin. Like it's like you didn't want to do this. Oh, well, I don't care. I'm doing it. I mean, that's kind of a pretty bold move of just inviting another person into your relationship. So I think you have a, you know, almost be grateful that he did it so that you could see it now versus like holding on for another five, 10 years and waiting for kind of more subtle

signs. Yeah. All right. Well, best of luck. Hopefully this was helpful. But you are going to, you're going to be fine. You just, it's one of those things you have to give yourself some tough love. And I know it's scary, but doing this thing you're doing right now is, is, is going to go nowhere fast and it's going to just keep making you feel worse right now is going to go nowhere fast. And it's going to just keep making you feel worse. And it's going to add to your insecurities. So it's on you now. Stop waiting for him to make the situation better.

Like it's now your responsibility to make your situation better. All right. Thank you. You'll be great. You'll be great. All bye-bye thank you guys how's it going it's going good how are you good what's your name i'm mckenzie um and i'm 19 what's up mckenzie how you doing hi mckenzie um hi um i'm doing good so i have kind of a longer story slash question so i'm to go right into it.

So a few weeks ago, I met a boy on Tinder. He messaged me and we started talking. We go to the same university and everything. With quarantine times, obviously, we couldn't meet up right away. So we had, we were just talking on Snapchat and like texting and everything. And then we had um we were just talking on snapchat and like texting and everything um and then we had a few facetime dates that lasted all like anywhere from like two to three hours each of them so obviously really good conversation um throughout these like facetime dates he was very reassuring and how much he enjoyed talking to me he would say things like talking to me for like three hours felt like five minutes that he that he felt like he to me for like three hours felt like five minutes that he that he felt like he knew me for a long time so a lot of

like reassuring things and he spoke about things that he wanted to do with me over the summer and then like in the fall when we go back to university so all very promising um so then we ended up going on an actual date and the date went really well and like we kissed and everything which is not social distancing so i apologize but um you know um so you're okay i'm okay i've i've cheated in that regard a couple times as well so it's okay and we all have survived um so anyway so we end the date we had plans for like two days after this one date um end it on a really good note he even says to me to like text him when I got home so he knows I made it home safe so just things like oh okay this person is really into me so then

the following day it was kind of crickets I didn't really hear much at all from him and I was like oh no what has happened um so I reached out to him but not about like me feeling that he was being distant I just reached out to him like normal we didn't really exchange that many messages the next day was when our date was supposed to be um and I was gonna wait for him to tell I asked me about it not me bring it up um he ended up saying that a last minute family thing came up that he couldn't go so I was like okay that's fine and he didn't give me an alternate date to reschedule um the next day is when I guess the official ghosting like was official um he I was like in a last-ditch effort to see what was

happening I was like hey do you like instead to see what was happening. I was like, Hey, like instead of going somewhere, I know it's like hard with like our work schedules. Do you want to just have like a FaceTime date after work? And he said, yes, I'd be down. I'll let you know how my day shakes out after work. And I knew that that was like code for bye. I'm not, not going to text you. So he didn't, We never had that FaceTime date. That is the last message he sent me. My Snapchat that I used to reply to one of them that he sent me the night before is undelivered still. And then this is where the story takes a turn. So I just forgot about it. It's no big deal. Things like that happen all the time but then a few days later he posts on his snapchat story a video of him and a girl um they're on a date um and so then i was

like okay well that explains that however the plot thickens when a few days later after that he posts about the same girl on instagram with a photo of his dad um i go on the girl's instagram and see that she has also posted photos with him um and he has been interacting and liking her photos since before we even started talking um and it actually looked like based on the time stamps that she was out of town the entire duration of us talking um and so I guess my question to you is like am I crazy for thinking that he kind of used me as like the other woman or, um, kind of use me to almost cheat on his girlfriend?

Or was it a case of, he just decided he didn't like me within a few days and went to somebody else. So, I mean, I don't think you're, is it, is it,

is it, are you crazy? Yeah. That's probably what happened. Um think you're, is it, is it, is it, are you crazy? Yeah. That's probably what happened. Um, you know, um, how old is he? Uh, he is a few years older than me in school. So I'm a sophomore and he is going into his senior year. Okay.

So you're relatively the same age. Um, yeah, it sounds like a very immature, shitty thing to do. And I'm sure you don't feel good about it and you feel manipulated and lied to and and all these things uh the good news is is that you weren't all that invested i mean i know you had the quarantine dates and the conversations and you went on one date but it's not like you started dating this these situations, I always try to suggest like, what can you learn from it? You know, what, looking back, I know you, you say how like, all these conversations were great and he seemed nice and he was reassuring, but looking back,

were there kind of inconsistencies that he had or things that you can kind of take from in terms of the next time a guy seems like he's doing this? You're just like, this seems like a little bit of a red flag. There was a point in us talking that there was a day that he left our conversation on delivered for 24 hours. And then when he finally, and I thought I was like it was over at that point that was like a first week of talking I just facetimed one of my friends and I was like yeah that's done um but he said that he was just like out with his friends and I kind of didn't believe that but I just decided to I guess ignore the red flag because I've never really dated anybody before so I didn't want to like jump the gun and be like oh he's not into me

if he just doesn't i mean the reality the reality is in these situations there's probably a bunch of information about this other girl in this other relationship you don't know right right could be he's just a scumbag who has no problem lying to you into her. It could be maybe they're on a break. She broke up with him. She told him, I need a break. And he was like, I need to start getting back out there. And he made a sincere attempt in getting to know you. Didn't feel the need to tell you

that he's probably heartbroken about some other girl who left him. He just wanted to focus on you. And then she popped back in because she was bored. And he's just like, oh my God, I love you. Take me back. And just kind of conveniently figured you'd go away. Sure. I'm not saying that's okay. And I'm not saying he like deserves a medal for it, but you know, it might help explain a little bit less.

I mean, so I only said that because trying not to waste a lot of energy, trying to figure it out and obsess over it, you know, you can yeah a lot of people can do that like what does it mean i need to know i need to stalk her and stalk him and find out i feel used and i want to get to the bottom of this like it's just a guy you went on a few dates with you know and it ended up not working out and you're you're a little your ego's a little bruised and it's a little right a little hurtful um especially with Instagram and seeing it. You see it. It feels like a slap in the face. But it's just another example of dating being a little challenging and hard and putting yourself out there as a risk.

But no harm, no foul. You're okay, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah. You seem fine. Your ego's a little bruised. And you felt like you were starting to trust someone who ended up being a little deceitful to you right and i'd also say you know uh almost in a way like you said you didn't date before um so i think it can maybe even hit like

maybe a little bit harder you're like oh come on like i thought yeah something right um and so then you kind of get like, what did I do? What did I do wrong? Like, I'm not good at this. I know that I was like a very late dater. Terrible. Like, but the good news is, is let's just say there's this other girl the whole time. It probably has less to do about you.

Right. It probably has less to do about like you not being, you know what I mean? All the stories we tell ourselves. I think it's a safe bet. Yeah. It's like a bad, you know, like even if he was like flat out cheating on you,

like it was never less to do about you. It had nothing to do with you. Yeah. I mean, the only thing that you were is like someone else. And if, yeah. And if anything,

like you, you know, even if I actually think this is a great first experience of dating, you carried on long conversations, you shared things. It wasn't like it was, as much as he may be, it's honest, but you had these like long conversations and you were able to kind of like have that back and forth. So I think like it's actually a great first dating experience. Yeah. There's a lot to be learned from it. I would agree with Maria.

And the good news is you've, you caught this. So you don't have to obsess and get insecure. Right. Did you say something wrong or do something wrong yeah he was most likely yeah he was most likely never available for you to date right right you know yeah that's a good that's a good point chalk them up to you chalk them up to good practice it's great practice you were you were like house hunting for a house or apartment shopping and like checking it out and you fell in love with it. And then at the end of the day, the real estate was like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. This isn't

available on sale. And then you found out it had terrible foundations. So it ended up working out perfectly. That's a great analogy. I like that. We're good at analogies. That's what happened. So yeah, keep dating, keep putting yourself out there. You are very young. You shouldn't be settling down anytime soon. This is a time in your life to truly just get experience and get to know yourself. It's really about you and how you date and what you're attracted to and learning about red flags and all those things. And it's a fun time in life. And so take advantage of that. Too many people feel this pressure of settling down and, and they don't learn as much,

at least not, not, not enough early on. Yeah. So, yeah. Okay. Well,

this was really helpful. Thank you guys so much. All right. Take care. You're welcome. Thank you. Alrighty. Bye.

Bye. How's it going? Going well. How are you? Good. What's your name? Amy, 33 years old. Hi, Amy, 33. How can I help? So yeah, I've actually been, you know, I think I've emailed before trying to get in contact about this individual that I've been dating for about three and a half years. We recently broke up and just a lot of things came to light. So kind of want to get some guidance on it. I'm kind of in a tough situation right now.

I think he's a narcissist from what all my friends have been saying. I'm not exactly sure. It is something that's come new to me, even understanding what a narcissist is. So after I emailed you, I thought about it quite a bit. I'm like, wait, is he, is he not? Or is this just like mind games that are going on with myself? So yeah, that's why I'm kind of here. So just to be clear that you're no longer in a relationship with this person. No. So what's your big question? I guess, what's your conundrum that you're in? Because while I'm sure ending a relationship sucks and there's a lot of processing you're doing,

the important part is you're no longer dating this person. So I guess what's your actual problem? Yeah. So we've been dating for three and a half years. We work together. And recently I had been going through a lot of stuff where I found out about my mom having we've been dating for three and a half years. We work together. You know, and recently, I had been going through a lot of stuff where I found out about my mom having stage four cancer, and he had been some supportive, but not as supportive as I thought he should. But I feel like that's me making excuses thinking, oh, he doesn't know any better. He doesn't know how he's never been in a situation like this. I was under a lot of stress. And about three weeks ago, I just kind of had this meltdown where I was not getting enough rest, not enough sleep, not taking care

of myself. And he didn't really know how to handle that. And so we thought, okay, let's just take a break. I need to just take care of myself as well. And during that break, like he was still texting and seeing, oh, hey, how's therapy going? I know you've had a lot on your plate. And here I am thinking, Oh my God, this, he really cares. He's really trying. But during that time, he had text one of my friends saying, is there any potential for us to be more than friends? Is there a potential for us to hang out more than friends? And this is my best friend. This isn't just anybody. And I feel like he was, this is why I think he's a narcissist because he was really scheming about it.

He sent it on Snapchat where messages do get deleted. And my friend is very smart. She has a second phone where she took a picture of it instead of taking a screenshot from that where he would have known. And then a couple of days later,

he reached out to her on Instagram to apologize. He was like, I'm sorry that, you know, I really value our friendship. I shouldn't have said any of those things, but it almost seemed like in the same, while he was doing that, he was also reaching out to me because I feel like if I would have texted in a nice way, that means he knows that I don't know what's going on with a friend. She had already obviously told me a week later because she was so pissed off about it. She didn't know how to really tell me.

And when I finally did find out and I confronted him about it, he, and by the way, he's 41, which, you know, the age kind of shocks me because I'm thinking all your friends are married. What are you doing? Like, and we work together. We have a lot of great mutual friends. We have a lot of, we have just a great life together. Our job is amazing. And I was just thinking to myself, what was the end game? What were you going to do? Start dating my best friend now and then tell people like, say, if she did go along with it, what were you going to tell everybody? Like, yeah, I'm dating, you know, her best friend now. Um, he hasn't apologized since then. I don't know if he feels stupid. I don't know if he feels remorse. Um, we've had to obviously have interaction because of work. Um, even when I did see him face to

face about a couple of days after it had happened, because we have to go into the office. You know, he tried to have small talk. He was kind of tiptoeing around me, but there was no, hey, can we talk? I'm sorry. So I guess that's where I feel like he's such a narcissist because I don't feel like narcissists think that they did anything wrong. So, all right, I'm going to interrupt for a second. Why does it matter if he's a narcissist because like i don't feel like narcissists think that they did anything wrong so all right i'm gonna i'm gonna interrupt for a second what why does it matter if he's a narcissist i mean my question is that question uh what uh what would it feel to you whether he is or isn't well because here's what you're doing you're looking for some sort of justification right now and which is normal in breakups you're trying to it. You're trying to figure out how you feel about it. Your feelings are hurt. He went behind your back. The whole friend thing sucks. It feels shitty.

It makes you feel, I mean, who knows what it makes you feel? Probably not good. And now you're doing all these things to understand the breakup, which I get is normal. But once again, it's over. which I get is normal, but once again, it's over. So why are you spending a lot of energy trying to diagnose him when you or your doctors are not, you or your friends are not doctors, you know? So what good can come from this? I guess he's looking for some sort of closure because I stopped to interact with this person through work.

Yeah. I mean, I guess the closure is accepting that. I mean, regardless if he's a narcissist or not, he sounds like a dick. So you don't have to be a narcissist to be a dick. Right. all love to you know go on and google you know what does it mean to be a narcissist or a sociopath especially if our our friends are dating someone we don't like and to go see look you're dating a narcissist i don't i don't know uh he could just be an asshole he could just be selfish he could just be immature you know um amy are you sounds like he's all the above yeah as part of it like

let's just say you came on air and nick was like or we were like yeah he sounds like a narcissist like does that make you feel better about everything that happened i mean even if you knew he was a narcissist that's not going to necessarily help you regulate like interactions at work or all of that stuff. So more so. My guess is, and tell me if I'm wrong, I think we do these things, right? So if he's a narcissist, then you get to tell yourself, well, he was a narcissist. How would I have known? I'm not, I don't, I'm not stupid. He duped me. He's a professional narcissist. And how could like, and we do that, right?

You just, just to hear you talk, you're clearly just ruminating and rambling. You're like, you just need to accept that it's over and deal with it. And the fact that you work with him sucks. It's inconvenient. But instead of using the fact that you work with him as a way to still have him in your life so that you still can try to get answers you don't feel you've gotten yet. And that's the thing, you need to get over this. You need to accept that it's over.

And the only closure you need is, I was dating a dick and I don't want to date a dick anymore. I don't want to date someone who would go behind my back and try to hook up with my friend. I deserve better than that. And that's simple. He fooled me.

Anyone can lie. He went behind your back. He got caught. Listen, we end up dating shitty people all the time. But sometimes when we find out we dated a narcissist, it makes us feel a little bit better. Because narcissists must be good liars. They must be good at manipulating people. So then I don't have to worry about having my guard up in my next relationship.

I just have to not date a narcissist. I mean, listen, people lie. And that sucks. And there's no guarantee that you're not going to be hurt in the future. But you are spending just way too much energy on this relationship that's over um and i i've been there i i've spent months ruminating about relationships that were over so you need to say i was dating a dick and that's i that i'm 100 certain of and everything else doesn't really matter um and then move on yeah and if anything maybe like not even change your focus of attention on him but like you're

going to interact with him at work it's probably going to be tough but my guess is is the more you kind of allow yourself to just kind of take a cold shower and get over it the easier you're going to be able to just like see kind of the bullshit he probably pulls at work or communications and just like not let it affect you like that's his stuff yeah it's not yours you're not responsible for like making sure he's treating you or anyone else fairly. It's really your responsibility to just mind your own side of the street and like, let him continue to be a dick. And like, it's not for you to worry about. You need to constantly tell yourself that you do not need him to explain to you why

he chose to disrespect you because it's not going to change anything. You just need to constantly tell yourself, I know I was disrespected. I deserve better. It's that simple. You don't need to explain to him. Nothing he says is going to make you feel better. You just have to empower yourself to know that you deserve better. And the conversations ends there because he's not nothing he's going to say is going to

make you feel better. And for some reason, we do that. We give these people all this power and think, well, if he just says this, I can move on. You're continuing to give him way too much power. And you need to take, again, we've said you need to take your power back and just say, I deserve to be treated differently. I want that. And I've wasted way too much time with this person already. And I refuse to waste any more energy on him going forward. And then the next person you meet, maybe, you know, again, I'm a big fan of, it's not always

easy, but like, you don't have to verbally say it to them, but like thanking the relationship for what it taught you. So now, you know, if you're dating someone and red flags show up about them not having empathy or compassion, when you're going through something like, you know, if you're dating someone and red flags show up about them not having empathy or compassion when you're going through something like, you know, your mother being sick, like that's a red flag of like, okay, I've been down this road before. I'm going to, you know, call it, I'm going to, you know, call it out before it gets any worse. So, right. You can learn from his narcissism or dickishness or whatever you want to call it. And the last thing I would say when you interact with him at work, treat him like a stranger. Totally.

Be really polite, be really nice, but be generally indifferent. And if he says things to you like, why are you being this way? Just act totally confused. Like any other coworker, he's just a guy you work with. And so what do you do with people you work with? You're polite, you're professional, and that's the end. And you'd never indulge anything he says. And just know that every word that comes out of his mouth

will be an attempt to get under your skin and to elicit an emotional reaction from you. Absolutely. Just know that that's what he's going to try to do and get ahead of it. So you just have to just keep saying, I know that he's doing this. He's just a stranger. Yeah. Positive or negative, right? Like he could still elicit to be like, yeah. It would probably be a combination of both. Yeah.

Yeah. We had interaction at work and, you know, I've been very calm, collective, polite, respectful, just doing my part. Cause I feel like that's all i have in control but you know it's only been a week since it's happened this today i feel a million times better that last week felt like a month i guess you know being with somebody for that long and you've had shared so much you just think like we you even feel bad do you do you even feel? Do you even want to say sorry? Why haven't you said sorry yet? I mean, you know you're going to hate me. I get that feeling, but you have to really, you know, why?

I mean, listen, does it matter if he was sorry? He called up your friend or snapped your friend and tried to have a say. What is sorry going to do? Yeah. You know, like what is an apology does does someone really need to apologize for that i mean it's just i'm not interested in someone apologizing for that i'm interested in you having the mental capacity as an adult to not ever do that yeah um and you were hurt and it's really early i was gonna say i know him saying sorry kind of feels

like it will make it easier because it makes it sound like he cares but like at the end of the day you waiting for that and then even if he said sorry then that emotionally gives you some sort of like well maybe he's not that much of a dick but he is so like you waiting for his emotional like recap of what you two experienced is you like nick said just like you're giving your power for him to like put a stamp of approval on your experience listen yeah and listen apologies in general and in life are more or less especially when they're verbal just formalities and and you never really know if someone's truly sorry uh unless they're able to prove it with their actions.

And you're not interested or you shouldn't be giving this guy an opportunity to show that he's sorry. So like who gives a shit if he says he's sorry? It's a formality. It's something people say because they think they're supposed to say it. You know? Yeah. Yeah, I guess that's just what I've been struggling with because, you know, I am type of person, I'm the first to apologize when I know somebody is hurting. And I guess he's definitely not the type. And this is just one of those things I feel like that really broke the camel's back how we communicate. You have to understand that he's not, I'm not him. He's not me. But this again,

relationship is over. And right now your brain is not actually accepting that you're actually thinking about this relationship. If it's still existing, you need to stop empathizing with him. You need to stop like considering his point of view. It's just over. Yeah.

The court you need. Yeah. I'm the one who walked away. You know found out, I talked to him for 10 minutes. That's good. But you haven't walked away. But you got to delete his number. You got to get rid of, you got to unfriend him, unsnapchat, whatever it is. You got to cut the cord. You really just need to stop thinking about the relationship and starting to process it. That's the biggest thing you need to do is like anytime you feel like you're at, like I'm glad you called,

I'm glad we're talking about it now, but as soon as you hang up, that's the last time you should think about their relationship for the rest of the day. Or talk about it. Or talk about to your friends. Stop calling up your friends and saying, ooh, well, what about this?

I've considered this. And stop vent, I'm sure you've already vented a lot to your friends about them um you just need to stop giving them so much emotional and mental real estate and find something more positive to talk about and think about like it's hard and it's like a drug yeah but there's a withdrawal effect and just like anything else you will get better every day will get easier the more you cut it out if you dabble out. If you dabble and come back

and dabble and come back, you're just going to drag it on and it's going to feel like shit the whole time. Yeah, no, I think you guys are right. And that's what I've been doing because I'm not dwelling on the relationship so much. I'm just like, how can somebody do this? I don't understand how somebody could be so heartless of, you know, you could have picked anybody in town, you chose my best friend, and I don't understand your intentions of where you thought that was going to go, because it was never going to go anywhere. So that just really confuses me. And obviously, the maturity factor, you know, he's almost 10 years older than me. And I'm thinking like, all your friends are married, you've said this is what you want, you want to settle down.

You don't have a lot of friends in the city we live, it's hard to make friends here. want you want to settle down you don't have a lot of friends in the city we live it's hard to make friends here you know i don't understand any of that amy you're you're you're still thinking about the relationship like you're you're like a broken record you say you're done with it and then you're like i'm not even thinking about him i'm i've walked away from him and then it takes like one two three seconds and it's back into the loop this list you have you know it doesn't his age doesn't matter it just none of it matters all the things that you said and i don't mean to just be dismissive are totally irrelevant to your ability to move on and accept that it's over yeah i mean i know it's over because i can't go back to that i would have so many trust issues that it wouldn't

even be i know but you are again i i understand that you know that it's over but you are, again, I understand that you know that it's over, but you are, your brain is- You're still trying to validate. Yes. Your brain is operating in a way that someone who is actually in a relationship, but trying to mend it is, and that's how you're- Yeah. That's how you're, and stop thinking about it. Stop processing his intentions. Stop trying to, Stop thinking about it. Stop processing his intentions. Stop trying to hurt your feelings.

You're not him. And it's just over. You just truly need to stop. Yeah. I say this knowing that I have done this and a lot of people do this, but you need to please yourself. And again, you've got to stop calling up your friends and

you're trying to figure it out. You're trying to solve this mess. It's over. Like Amy, if one of your friends like had the same

situation and called you and kind of did the same thing, like sometimes it helps to kind of step outside and like get really

sick of your story. Like just get sick of the story. Like the whole story of trying to figure him out. What's wrong? Is he a narcissist? He did this. Why did he do it? Like, you just have to realize that like, that is just a mental loop that you're stuck in and breaking. It's tough. But every time you feel yourself going down that road, have an activity that you do, or like go outside or don't call a friend and talk about it. You got to do something totally different to get off the loop. Yeah. Cause it's just a drug. Yeah. Yeah, no, it definitely, it definitely feels like that.

Thank you. I mean, everything you guys said, you know, like I'm aware of that, but I guess I feel cause it's only been a week. I feel stuck. I been looking for answers i knew this person for so long and did not see this coming um you know i i would never do this to my to anybody if i knew they're already going through so much with their families i know i i know you wouldn't you're listening you're still hurting and it's okay it is very recent you just need to take a breath and try to stop thinking about it you really you really do do. I mean, I would say even to start, like, I don't know if you have anything of his in your house, like get rid of everything physical, delete things, just get them, like cleanse him out of your life visually so that there aren't little things

that spark the mental, the mental loop is still going to happen, but you need to like scrub, scrub your life, your phone, everything of him. So you can at least try to have some moment of quietness that doesn't involve you trying to figure out, figure him out. Yeah. Yeah, no, definitely. I mean, this week I feel a lot better. I'm glad I got to talk to you guys. And, you know, I haven't really cried. I think I've cried twice and I just feel shock. But yeah, the more I think about it, I'm like, there's just, there's no explanation. There's, you know, he texts saying, I want to explain, but I just feel like there is no explanation. And yeah, I wouldn't give him the, yeah. Yeah. It's a, you're going to,

it's going to take some time, but it will get, it will, it will take less time if you don't ruminate and you don't try to understand crazy and you don't try it. So the length of how long this breakup is going to hurt is really entirely up to you. Um, but you know, it's okay. That's going to take some time and allow yourself to hurt and allow yourself to process this, but focus on your emotions and not his emotions. And what you can do, right? We'll never be able to understand other people's actions or behaviors. So all we can do is take care of ourselves. You're better off saying out loud, I'm hurt. You're better off saying out loud, I feel silly. I feel foolish. I feel betrayed. These are fine things to express.

Right. And it's far more productive than saying- Why did they do that? Why would he do this? I wouldn't do this. He's, you know, all these things. Okay. All right. That's kind of what I've been thinking a lot. So, well, thank you guys. Appreciate it. All right. You're welcome, Amy. Best of luck. Thank you. All right. All right.

Bye-bye. Well, that's all we have for today. Hope you guys enjoyed listening. We certainly appreciate you doing so. Don't forget to send your questions. AskNikkaCastMe.com. Cast with a K. Once again, Maria, remind people where they can find you if they want more information

about diet and their digestion. MariaVile.com and at MariaVileHealth on Instagram. And yeah, I think that's about it. Make sure to check us out tonight or tomorrow for some more goat recap. I think, what, Ben Higgins? Is that the season we're doing? Maybe we'll bring Ben back or something. And as well as on Wednesday, always appreciate you guys listening.

Until next time, we'll see you tomorrow.