The Viall Files - E154 Ask Nick - It’s Not Love, It's Toxic Stimulation

Episode Date: July 20, 2020

On today’s Ask Nick: an affair that turned into a relationship after a divorce that is filled with games, no commitment, and a bunch of toxic behavior, someone who is happy single and wonders why people judge her for not being in a relationship, a couple playing house after only 5 months of dating and why their sexual relationship is suffering because of it, and a woman whose boyfriend is being groomed to take over her family's business before they have moved to the next step in their relationship. As always thanks for sharing your stories with us and keep sending them in to [e-mail] we would love to hear from you. “Do they want me home making meatloaf every night?”  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: BEST FIENDS: bestfiends.com LUMIN: luminskin.com/viall HIDRATE SPARK: hidratespark.com/VIALL Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

i don't know i thought it'd be fun to do that uh it's monday hi what's going on everybody uh welcome to another episode of the vile files i. I'm your host, Nick, joined by my producer, Chrisette. That's me. What's going on? What a fun episode we have for you today with our callers. And, you know, we learn and we grow. Fun and we grow. Not too much to talk about today, but we do have a nice week lined up for you.

I got to say, check us out on Wednesday for a really great, uh, conversation we have with our guest, Tal Ben-Shahar. Yes. Who is a professor in the study of happiness. Yeah. Uh, studied at Harvard, taught at Harvard. Uh, and we talk all things happiness, how to be happy, the study of happiness, the misconceptions of happiness.

The science of it. The science of it. And we thought it would be appropriate to talk about it as it relates to kind of the times that we're in. I know I learned a lot. It was really helpful for me. And I really hope you guys enjoy it on Wednesday. It was really helpful for me, and I really hope you guys enjoy it on Wednesday.

And check us out tomorrow as we get back into the GOAT recaps. Brad Womack's two seasons we talk about. Quite frankly, I don't know who our guest is going to be yet. It might be Brad, it might be Emily, and it might be someone totally random. It really all depends on who is available. That's a good thing to have. I wish I could tell you. Also, I think I'll probably address some of the reactions to my episode with Reality Steve on tomorrow's episode.

Check that out if you're interested. If there's nothing else, I think we should just get right to our callers today make sure to send in your questions at asknickacastme.com cast with a k always need those questions i tell you what we would certainly love to you know what we haven't done a lot is having couples on uh if you're you know we're getting a lot of callers from young couples early couples sure sure might be fascinating to uh if you can get your guy to come on here and uh you know talk about your talk about it and talk about your problems uh i would love to tell you who's right

or wrong or guys can bring their girls sure yeah uh you 10 percenters out there get get your women on the on the show all i will say i don't know i don't know if any of our 10 percenters out there get get your women on the on the show all i will say i don't know i don't know if any of our 10 percenters have called with a current girlfriend situation it's always been looking for love type of thing but uh we invite all of all of all of you so um i don't know if there's if there's not anything else, I say we get right to it. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Good.

How are you? Good. What's your name? Sarah. I'm 45. How can I help Sarah? 45. Um, kind of a crazy situation.

Um, I've, I'm 45, I have three kids and been divorced since 2018. Um, married my college sweetheart, um, met him when I was like 19. So, um, and before that didn't have a whole lot of experience dating. Maybe I was in one relationship before that. So, I don't know. We were married. We were together for almost 23 years. And, you know, all the normal stuff people go through.

Had kids. Raised a family. Moved out to the suburbs from Chicago. And then things just kind of started to fall south. He worked a lot. And when he wasn't working, he was spending a lot of time with friends. Very social. I am kind of not.

I like to be home, be with my family. And he was not really conducive to that. He didn't really want to do that. I said things were kind of falling apart. Let's go to counseling. He disagreed. He wouldn't go. Then about, I don't know, about three years ago, I met someone at the gym. And I did tell him that and that's when he wanted to work things out and of course it was kind of too late um we did go to counseling but it just didn't work we ended up getting a divorce uh and now i am still talking to the person i met at the gym you're still talking to the gym rat okay yeah yes uh he's nine years

younger okay um congrats he's yeah sure just a different lifestyle you know he's in a different part of it he's never married uh no kids um had one relationship before me that was on and off um but he has he says he's very independent um every time he doesn't want me to make plans with him um he doesn't like when i text him or when i call him too much um i guess i'm like it is encouraging on his independence or freedom. Okay. So I'm struck. I'm struggling with that because three years later, I mean,

he's like the first person I've been with since I've been 19, since my husband. And so I kind of, I fell for him hard. So, yeah. And now I'm just kind of stuck. But there's another part to that,

right? A relationship. What? What are you leaving? but there's another part to that right relationship what are you leaving is Chris Chrissy suggesting you're leaving something out in your story like you said you like you started to play some games with him to try and jealous and stuff like

that oh god yes yeah I did yeah thank you for okay, yeah. So I did. Because he was very even keel, nothing really upset him. And I was used to more of like my husband who was like the jealous type and stuff like that. So I started playing games. Yeah. I started trying to make him jealous, making up scenarios, started going out with my friends. And like, then he just, And like, then he just, you know, that backfired, went the opposite way. And now he has trust issues with me because I kind of made up little scenarios. The gym boy.

Yeah. And I'm still, I'm still trying to make it work with him. He has a hard time. Trust me. Cause I lied. Have you tried to define this relationship with him? Like, what do you want? Like in a with him like what do you want like in a perfect world what would you like you so you would like to make this guy your boyfriend yeah and we've kind of been there before but then as soon as something seems to be going well

it just well for who he says that i for both Probably more, like, as soon as I adapt to his way of living, it goes well. I've got a, you know, he doesn't want to hang out a lot. He wants to hang out with his buddies still a lot. And I just, I wanted more of a mature relationship. You know, I came out of a marriage. And so I think I had unrealistic expectations too, because I felt like I was just jumping into something. I was expecting more from him, I guess.

Um, coming out of a marriage. Does that make sense? Yeah. Listen, what makes sense is that, like like you said this was the first guy you crushed on since you were 19 other than your husband uh you probably were in a very vulnerable emotional and mental state of mind when you got a divorce and it sounds like this guy who's nine years younger than you uh is in a different place of his life. And you aren't very experienced in dating. And by dating, like open the idea that like you can crush on a guy and not get too involved. And you went from

kind of a marriage to being obsessed over this one guy and you're losing yourself and losing control. And this guy, this kid, whatever, he's not a kid. He doesn't want to date you. I don't know what he wants from you. He doesn't want to date you. He's never going to date you and nor should you necessarily want to. And you're just struggling with accepting that and moving on because you're not, you're not used to being alone. And you left your husband kind of for this guy guy but you have to stop telling yourself that because you really didn't you left your husband because things weren't working out but it feels that way because it took meeting this guy at the gym for you to have the kind of courage to

walk away and so you still have never been alone you've always still had someone to talk to and hang out with and and and and hook up with or whatever and uh you're probably fucking terrified to be alone uh but that's okay and you should give it a shot uh because right now uh by dating this younger person who you know is in and out and and kind of selfishly says this is my life and if you want to do that then we can hang out but then you do do that and then he kind of pulls away like he doesn't want to date you uh and my guess is he's willing to uh have you around when it's super convenient for him um and you know there's probably some drama with you and maybe he likes that everyone likes drama you know even guys yeah even when they say they don't but so you just need to like leave this situation this he what do you say he doesn't he says he doesn't like drama he hates

yeah he says that yeah everyone says they hate drama uh and and often people do things like if he hated drama didn't take this the wrong way he wouldn't hang out with you because clearly you've been dramatic uh you've made up stories you have created scenarios you've lied to him and he's been willing to like participate in this kind of insane insanity he hasn't even said to you like listen i don't know what's going on with you but this is too much for me i need to leave and quite frankly it sounds like he would have a right to do that but he hasn't like he's i mean he might have he has done that actually but are you then he comes back exactly so you know he does after i like

chase him he does enjoy drama you need to stop. He does enjoy drama. You need to stop doing that, right? You need to maybe be alone for a bit, maybe not even date for a while. Give yourself a few months at least. This is a toxic, this is a new toxic relationship for you. You're doing things that I hopefully you think are out of character for yourself.

And I, like, I get it, right? We've all, like, just you're afraid you're just scared yeah it is yeah i know part of it is yeah i've never been alone you're right i mean since i was like a 15 year old i went into one relationship you're not used to not having someone to call that feels like some sort of relationship. Yeah. It's a scary thing, but you should,

I think you will be, I think you will find yourself to be a stronger person when you can get to that place where it doesn't scare you and you'll be okay. It's not going to kill you. You know, you have your kids, you have friends. Yeah. I think you need to be in a place where you're not so codependent on someone.

That if you don't get what you want and what your way, you resort to very immature tactics. So, yeah. Yeah. My advice to you is end it with this guy it's not going anywhere it's not going to change nothing i can so right now yeah right now we're like he says he wants space great never talk to him again there's no space what do you what closure do you need just say i don't know i mean listen the truth is knowing like this guy who likes drama and i'm not saying this to if you blocked him and disappeared he would probably

come chasing but don't let like this is toxic this is toxic behavior and you're both guilty i mean you're just you're probably more guilty but you need to focus on you and he is just something to entertain you this is not love and this is not a relationship this is just something else yeah and you think that just because he's not willing to commit like he's playing these games like spay like telling i'm crowding him i mean listen if you want if you guys want it this has been going on for three years if you if you wanted to date you guys would be in a relationship you're this is a toxic uh immature uh childish relationship regardless of either of your ages and more specifically you you you've never been alone so all your motivation is just based off of fear. You're just afraid to be alone.

And I get it. I understand. I appreciate it. This is never going to happen with this guy. And I don't, you know, I always go back to like listing qualities of what you like about this relationship and how does he make you feel?

It doesn't, I mean, I haven't heard one thing. I've heard a lot of things about like stresses you out. You're constantly worried about, you're always confused. You know, he wants this way, you know, wants something this time and then he comes back and then he wants space and then I chase him and fuck, you know, that's exhausting. And, but what it is, is you're not bored.

It's stimulation and you are falling, you know, you're falling, you know, you're falling, you know, you're falling trapped to that. So be comfortable with not having that type of toxic stimulation in your life. So you need to challenge yourself and you need to hold yourself accountable and you need to, you know, get some guts and be a little brave and do something that's scary and do something you're not comfortable with. a little brave and do something that's scary and do something you're not comfortable with because at least you'll be happier in the long run because this is going to go this is going nowhere fast yeah i'm most time miserable i know what's that it's what my brain tells me what i'm most the time miserable i mean in my i i know it take like a take your power back hold yourself accountable.

Tell yourself to stop. When you feel those moments of weaknesses, when you want to reach out, say, Sarah, don't fucking do this. Don't do it. Spend more time with your friends. Invest in your kids. Invest in yourself.

Get new hobbies. Try different things. Stop going back to the same old routines. Change your fucking gym. I don't know. It's summertime, if you haven't noticed. It is summer we're shit we're what are you doing we're like we're right in the middle of the old summertime but the point is it's warm it's warm pretty much everywhere and if you are the heat's great but you can get dehydrated faster when you're outside if you have

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Yeah. Everything you're doing right now is wrong. So, well, I mean, I say that because at least it seems clear what you have to do, you know? Yeah. Change everything. Except, you know know? Yeah. Change everything. Except, you know, your kids. Change everything. Yeah.

Well, your approach to your dating life, yes. I think you need to take a time out. I think you need to like take out the fucking garbage, you know? Yeah. Do a house cleaning, so to speak. You know, it's one of those things where you're like, you do your spring cleaning, you go through your closet, you're like,

oh, do I really need this? Do I throw this away? Do I keep it? Just burn it all. Yeah, get rid of the thymus. And start over.

I did it. You'll be fine. You'll be fine. Yeah. This is just, I mean. I know, I know I'll be fine,

but I feel like it's like the hardest thing. Yeah, well, because you're. I don't know why be fine, but I feel like it's like the hardest thing. Yeah, well, because you're. I don't know why. Because you're. Because I feel like it's love. It's not love. It's toxic stimulation.

It is. It's like an obsession or addiction or something. It's an addiction. That's exactly what it is. It's just something to preoccupy your time. It's something to do. That's it. You can either watch drama on tv or you can want live

drama in your life and you're choosing to live it in your life right now so i guess no not i guess so i'm rooting for you i'm a little worried i don't think you're gonna take my advice but my advice would be to never talk to him again. I know. I'm not for one. I would block him. And not because you're trying to get a reaction. You're just doing this for your own mental health and emotional well-being. So he comes back from this space he's talking about. Just politely and maturely say, hey, listen, you've done so many great things in my life. I had the courage to leave my marriage. And we had great running or a lot of fun and you're great,

but like we don't make each other happy. And I just, you know, I want to be happy and you want to be happy and I just don't want to keep doing this. And I'm not saying this to get a reaction. I really just want to move on. And you have to say that in the mirror to yourself before you say it to him

because you have to start believing it. God, you're so good. So, because right now you don't believe it so no i don't believe it no yeah so you know i think because like when we're together we have so much fun it's like chemistry's great you know once in a while you have some fun have some good sex but most of the time you're miserable that's hard but see i'm not like a i don like to, I don't want to date. What do you mean? Yeah, because you're not used to it. I don't want to go out there. You don't want to be vulnerable. You know, you're not used to being alone.

Listen, there's a lot of things in life we don't want, but it doesn't mean it's not good for us. Yeah. You've led a very comfortable life in a very small circle of comfort, and you need to expand your comfort zone because the world you've created when it comes to your dating life hasn't worked out. And that's fine. You had a marriage. You gave it a good run. You had a family. You got some kids from it.

That's amazing. You needed a catalyst to leave and now this catalyst has become this new toxic obsession you still have no idea what it's like to date and be single and how do you fucking know if you don't want to date you've never done it sorry i don't know yeah i'm scared there you go i know and that Say that out loud. You are scared. It's okay to be scared. You're afraid. I totally get why you're afraid. I totally why it can be scary. And when you go on dates, you're going to have bad dates. Well, you know, you already got a guy who's nine years younger. So, you know, clearly you're doing fine. I mean, listen, you're right. People won't like

you. Some people will. That's called dating. Get used to it. It'll make you stronger. You've led a charmed life right now. It's all been very cush for you. Yeah? It's funny how you think that. Okay. All right.

Well, you don't seem to be disagreeing with me. I mean, listen. What? Yeah, it is. It's fine. you don't have to apologize for it but challenge yourself to you know you you get it you just got to get out of your comfort zone yeah you've created this very you've you've shrunk in your comfort zone and you need to expand it oh yeah yeah you'll be. You'll be much happier. I feel like I did that on purpose. You'll be so much happier. You've been able to.

It's been convenient. You know, when you're married, you know, you're married. So it's like by definition, you almost kind of, I only have to do this. This is my family. And you just shrink your world, you know. It's a natural thing. But you need to now challenge yourself to expand it.

Really try new things. Really, you know, things you would think, I would never do this. Try it. Fuck it. You know? You need to reset. Okay.

Yeah. Your next year should be kind of about resetting yourself and your priorities on what you want and get used to being alone. I wouldn't date for a few months i would okay look in the mirror and and believe that you don't want this toxic person in your life and believe that you are only doing it because it's just toxic stimulation and you're bored and you're afraid of being bored and you're afraid of being alone but the longer you do this it reduces the risk of you actually finding someone that will make you happy i yeah i know i and that's another reason why i feel like i just stay there too because i'm like well that's not gonna make you happy and you know the i know i know the only thing that

can happen is you'll just find another toxic person. You're just not in a good headspace right now. You need to start over. You need to reset. Okay. Maybe go talk to a therapist, you know? Oh, my gosh. I've done that.

Okay. I've done that, yeah. What do they say? Get your money back. Oh, well. Get a. say i mean get your money back oh get well get a how could a therapist let's go on for three years i know they're not supposed to tell you what to do you need to hold yourself way more accountable

well they don't yeah i do yeah this is on You know, I don't put some post-it notes on this, you know, on the, you're on your mirror, but you are, you're not holding yourself accountable. Okay. Start fresh. I didn't think that. Quick story. I'm 41. I wasted 14 years doing this run around with somebody and the the advice to just stop it and whatever changed my life.

And it's been months and it changed my life. She got that advice from me. Yeah, I did. Yeah, it changed my life. It really did. You're a prisoner. How do you do it? You're a prisoner right now in your own mind.

You just wake up one day and start. You just stop. Yeah. And it's scary and you just fucking do it and you just have a little bit of self-discipline to say no yeah yeah that's true at the risk of not knowing what to do for the rest of the day because what you would be doing is like talking to this toxic person and if you weren't talking to them you'd at least be worry able to worry about it and worrying is something something to do doesn't to them, you'd at least be able to worry about it. And worrying is something, something to do.

It doesn't really get you anywhere, but at least you... You have so much more free time when there's not toxicity taking over your life. It's crazy. That's true. You guys are like, yeah. I've heard this before. Yeah, this is true. Well, yeah, you said you've heard it before.

So you need to do something about it yeah yeah all right i just need to be strong yes and you can you just haven't chosen to be yet you got it all right all right best of luck i believe in you thank you you can do it okay all right thanks yeah all right thank you very much okay bye the best exercise you could ever do is for your brain did you know that i did know that uh yeah and i'll tell you what you can also have fun doing it best fiends we've talked about it since the show began it's they're a great friend of show i love it chrissy it loves it. Quite frankly, half the time when I'm trying to have her get work done, she's like, sorry, I'm playing Best Fiends.

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million downloads and tons of five-star reviews best fiends is a must play download best fiends is a must play download best fiends free at the apple app store or google play that's friends without the r best fiends how's it going good how are you good and what's your name uh laura and i am 43. Hi, Laura, 43. How can I help? Well, so of course I'm in the middle of my life, right? And, um, I've yeah, fingers crossed. I have three kids. I was married and now I've been divorced happily for 10 years. Great relationship with the kid's dad. Really good

at co-parenting full life with three kids, big supportive family, network of friends, great job. I'm also an entrepreneur and people are always saying to me, well, how are you still single? Like, why don't you have a partner or a boyfriend or whatever? And I'm just like, but because I don't want one like I always feel like people think that I don't know is it is like being single by choice is like makes me defective or something yeah I'm aware of the stereotype yeah it sucks you know but then also I'm kind of conflicted going like right now my life is completely full because you know I have all this stuff going on but you know I mean I'm kind of conflicted going like right now my life is completely full because I have all this stuff going on.

But I mean, I'm no spring chicken. So as I get older, it's more important to have a partner in life when you don't have all this stuff going on. And so am I going to be this angry old lady on my porch swing cussing at the neighbor kids for playing too loud? That's your question is whether yeah my question is is like um you know a what why do you think people think that being single is a disease and do you see do you feel like people could go through the rest of their life happily single even into their you know twilight years well i mean sure of course they can it's uh yeah we have a way society obviously values uh stability and historically uh you know marriage especially we american we this country was founded on a kind of puritan belief system uh of which they very much valued the family dynamic so that's why uh our society

stresses the importance of having a partner in life um we also like to be with people. Part of that comes from ourselves of having that person who's always there from us. When our friends come and go and they have their shit going on with their lives, it can get a little lonely when we're, especially as adults, it's not the same as when we were in our early 20s and every weekend, all your friends

who were most likely single, and if they weren't single, they're, they all everyone wanted to kind of go out. And so it was easier to not worry about that, because it was fun. And now, you know, as you get older, you feel loneliness, sometimes, to answer your question. It's like, if you, I don't know know everyone's different some people are good at being alone some people are bad at being alone um in the meantime i you know what do you want right like that's that's exactly the question is like i'm completely content right now but i'm afraid like as i get older it's going to get harder and harder to find a partner to share my life with when i'm i don't know i guess i'm bored but i can't really imagine myself ever getting bored but i guess it depends on what you're looking for in a partner you know

i mean people get divorced um at this point in your life you know if you're looking for you know i mean you already have kids too so it's not as if your next partner if you find one you're necessarily going to be looking to start a family uh right so there might be especially as you get older it's it's more likely that you will also meet men who also aren't looking to start a family they either decided they don't want kids at all or they have kids of their own um so i've had them tell me i've i've had guys tell me that they i'm scary because i don't know if it's because i am so happy and content in my life and like um you know i just take care of my own business and i have a lot of fun and i'm very confident and outspoken but i'm but but it's But it's like, I guess partners that would be my

age, do they expect some sort of lady that's going to stay home and make meatloaf for them every night for the rest of their lives? I don't understand how I could be scary to somebody. You know what I mean? So now we're talking about dates you've actually been on and challenges you've had with the people you've tried to date yeah like even just casual dating you know you go out and you're like okay and they're like well to be quite honest you scared me you know and i'm like well how could i possibly be scary i'm like the nicest person ever in the world you know yeah i mean i don't know i guess so you i guess i'm getting conflicting kind of uh yes i mean listen it sounds like you also would like i'm getting conflicting kind of, yes.

I mean, listen, it sounds like you also would like, I'm getting the impression you want to meet someone too, which is totally fine. And then you're also, while you're not comfortable with being alone, also fine. But it sounds like you maybe have some insecurities about the people you are trying to date and the feedback you're getting from them. Yeah.

I think like what I, I guess you nailed it on the head. You're very insightful that I want to date somebody, but I'm not looking to change my living situation or get married. But I, and I don't know if maybe, but I, yeah, I mean, I'm happy with who I am. The more you am the more you the more uh and there's nothing wrong with having um like standards or non-negotiables or things that you know you're looking for that's a great thing to have well some people don't have enough of those some people have too much right but the more uh things that you're like well i want x and i want y and i want z and i'm

not willing to do this and i'm not willing to do that that makes it harder for you to find the right fit you know you meet a guy and you're just like hey just so you know blah blah blah blah i got these kids i don't want that i want this and i'm very comfortable with this are you willing to fit into my world? Well, that's going to make it much harder for you. And I'm not saying that's wrong. I'm just saying, be aware of the fact that you have these things that you want and know that's going to be harder and be proud that you have them. Maybe you might eventually realize that you are being a little too rigid. And maybe you do need to, you know, be willing to compromise a little bit, depending on how much you like someone.

So it's just a balancing act. There's, you know, nothing wrong with having your standards or your, you know, things that you like. Don't go on a date, say all the things that you really want and things that you're not willing to change and then be shocked and disappointed or hurt because the guy's like, yeah, that's not for me. You know, that doesn't make much sense. Right.

You know, it's a little, I say this nicely, but it's a little arrogant for you and people and we all do this to be like well I'm great and I only want to do it this way and I only want to do it that way and I'm only going to do this and someone's like well that's you seem nice but not really for me you're just like well why not I mean I'm awesome well, you are for like, well, I do. That's what I say all the time. I'm like, what the hell? Why don't you like me?

I'm awesome. But yeah, but you're also very specific in what you want and your specificity isn't for everybody. Right. And that's okay. Yeah. I guess it's going to have to be. If it were, that's just not realistic you know

right um yeah my guess is uh you need to be a little bit more chill about with yourself about you know guys not being into everything that you want and you might need to be willing to compromise a little bit more you're convincing yourself that you know i'm proud to be where i am and i'm proud to be single and i got my life and that's all great but that's a little bit more of a you're masking like well i just don't want to change because this is who i am you know every relationship requires some sort of compromise um yeah you know unless unless unless you're like are you look are you what kind of what kind of men are you attracted to um pushovers um no okay well that's my guess not at all yeah exactly so here you are uh

like uh almost want to throw up by the idea of dating a guy who's a pushover, but you want a guy to completely accept everything about your life without really having to change much. Yeah. Okay. Well, that's never going to happen. Yeah. Right.

Yeah. For sure. For sure. Yeah. I guess you're right. But I guess I would have to think about what would I be willing to compromise on. Well, maybe next time you go on a date, don't start listing all the things you're unwilling to change. Maybe kind of just see where it goes. Figure out what in your life are really the things you're unwilling to change like obviously the relationship with your kids and being a mom and certain things but maybe be open to growing a relationship with someone and every relationship needs to grow

as a unit not as a you know if you're just looking for like some sort of someone to like i don't watch netflix with or you know go to you know just hire someone i guess you know, go to, you know, just hire someone, I guess, you know, hire a companion and just be like, just do what I want. I don't think that's legal in my state. I'm being sarcastic, but, um, yeah. So yeah, you're, you're, you're kind of contradicting your, yourself in a lot of ways. Yeah. I guess, I guess what you're saying, you're right. I mean mean it's great to have this conversation because you're not telling me what i want to hear which is totally fine i mean listen you're you're not alone in this we all do this a lot i mean it's a it's a it's a tight rope trying

to again people who aren't good at setting boundaries and just like anyone who likes them back versus people who are just like well this, this is exactly how I live my life. And are you willing to do exactly what I want? Oh, by the way, I want you to have your own opinions too. Just as long as you agree with me, it's like,

it's a whole, it's not realistic. So yeah. All right. Yep. I appreciate it. No problem. You're going to be fine.

Just, um, you know, re reuate some things and uh be a little bit more honest with yourself about what's going on because you you kind of you seem to paint this picture that's not totally accurate like yeah you very astute i you know it's okay to want a boyfriend that's fine It's okay to want a boyfriend. That's fine. It's okay to be comfortable when you're single. But it's okay to be vulnerable that you want to meet someone and you are afraid of growing old alone. Yeah.

I mean, I guess a lot of it has to do with whenever the last few times I have, you know, like been in love or whatever, it doesn't end well. And then you feel rejected. And now you're like, you know yeah i don't want to go through that again well you know you survive that right yeah so that's true you'll be fine you might have two more loves in your life you know as long as you're just not alone you got your kids oh they're amazing yeah i mean between the kids and dogs and family it's life is good you know but like i mean that's the thing i just always think like now you can date without the pressure of like you know you really can just be about this with yeah with you can just be about the person and how you guys make each other feel

and if that doesn't work out you find someone else you don't have to worry about like do i have kids with this person and if it doesn't work out will we get along like you already have that figured out yeah the last few guys i've dated have been like significantly younger than me and of course that hasn't worked out because they want kids and that is not happening but yeah well there you go so don't do that and again i have no problem with you dating guys that are younger but you don't want to have kids anymore and it's reasonable that younger men who haven't had kids yet might right that's you know yeah you're setting yourself up for disappointment it's a story of my life i'll stop doing it okay all right thank you all right i'll talk to you later all right bye bye how's it going

going good how about you good what's your name uh molly 30 hi molly how can i help well i'm in a newish relationship uh we've been together for about five months now. And in the beginning for the first month and a half, it was pretty hot and heavy, like rabbits going at it, you know, just like normal. And I want to say the last three months, I noticed a huge decline in his desire. And I've talked to him about it. And he says he loves me, that he's attracted to me, but that he just doesn't really have a drive anymore. And he doesn't understand why. I should mention that prior to me, he hadn't had sex in three years. And so one of his other excuses was, oh, well, I just went so long without it that I'm just used to not having it but i'm like

well now that you have it shouldn't you want it you know what i mean um so i'm really confused by that uh i should also mention that uh he is staying with me temporarily so i'm wondering if maybe seeing me every day is kind of ruining it like in the beginning it was kind of exciting we weren't living together you know um yeah so yeah that seems that's it that's the general question like why aren't we talking more yeah like what's this deal like i just i mean yeah i mean in fact to me with a little bit of information i have i would guess it's the the fact that you guys are spending way too much time too soon and you moved in with each other within less than five months and he's getting a little too much molly too fast and uh listen he didn't have sex for three years there's nothing wrong with that but he seems to be content maybe he's not a very sexual guy

so i don't what i'm saying is that i don't think that's a total bullshit excuse by saying like i don't know i just i'm not i don't need to have it as much um has it like stopped or is it just is it's not like has it just decreased is it settled in almost till as if you've been dating for five years right exactly like the last time was probably like three weeks ago okay well when you play house and you pretend you've been you know together for five years then the relationship starts turning into a relationship that's acts like it's been dating for five years you know so i think that probably i think it's a combination of him not being overly sexual and him also like now you guys are playing house there's no excitement you're always there and you're in it sounds like maybe he he moved in with you out of like a necessity. Is that true?

Yeah, just like temporarily. What, because of like COVID or he doesn't have a place to live? No, he was just like in between living places. So he was just staying with me temporarily until he got his place. Yeah, I'd kick him out. Well, he's gone now. He's actually in Texasxas for business but uh yeah like for when you say he'll be back this weekend or or like no i'm actually gonna go out there and see him this

coming week i'm curious how that goes to be honest i'm curious if there's a level of like i haven't seen you and you have a little sex and it's exciting i think there will be been texting and he like has been hinting that he's excited for that so yeah i mean it's never a good idea to start dating someone and for them for you to play house or for you guys to move in with each other um unless it's solely based off the fact that like we're so in love we want to do this and even then you probably aren't ready but at least then it's because you want to spend this it's never a good idea to do it for like rent or convenience like he needs to figure it out you know i don't know i'm in between places like people make this mistake all the time as well to stay here you

know it's just like oh now all of a sudden we're we're like a fucking married couple and you're not married you're still gonna know each other and it just becomes kind of you know and then and then you put pressure on yourself because there's this natural of like well man i feel this pressure we always have to have sex and and then you're like well we just we still only been dating for five months and you know it's if that's why you shouldn't play house because you know sometimes it turns into like a kind of not new relationship that's a little stale and boring and comfortable and so yeah i'm curious how this weekend goes to go visit

him i think you should no matter how it goes say when you come back you go somewhere else no for sure for sure it was just so amusing to me because i know in the past like he bit pretty much was fucking everything that walked so it was was like. When you say in the past. Like before your hiatus. But yeah, before his hiatus, like when he was younger. How old is he now? How old is he? 35. 35?

Yeah. Okay. Well, I mean, every 35 year old guy just might not be needing to do that all the time. I guess. Listen, he probably like he definitely got an you you definitely got annoyed with you and i don't even mean like in a he he probably likes you he probably loves you you know he probably likes having sex with you but he's just like you're just fucking there man you're just there and that's normal like why you know why are you guys living together and again it's probably not even your fault sounds like he you were didn't doing him a favor but yeah no correct you should

definitely be like hey listen i want to i like you i want to keep this going we shouldn't be living together this soon you need to move out and if he's like well i don't know if i don't have a place to well figure it out man i'm not your mom i'm not your keeper i'm not your wife i'm your fucking girlfriend so i did do that and then you started like oh but what if i stay and help you pay rent i'm like dude no no that's it's then you're kind of getting in the weeds of like then i would be for you it's like you're right it's just like well do you want to date me or are you just looking for like do you just like me enough because you need a place to stay because you need a place to stay so i don't feel like that i'm just saying you know um if treat it like a five months month relationship don't treat it like a five-year relationship and you guys are you know starting to treat it like a relationship or you know it's been longer than a year and not eventually it's

going to turn you'll people start becoming the environments that they're in so true so act like you've been dating for five months and it will probably feel like it for sure so all right let us know how the weekend goes yeah that's how the weekend goes probably great but yeah you get you guys still have a lot of getting to know each other and don't forget that and sometimes it's easy to forget when you're just like when your roommates right yep so don't take the newness for granted cool thank you guys well best of luck thank you all right take care have fun this weekend Don't take the newness for granted. Cool. Thank you guys.

Well, best of luck. Thank you. All right. Take care. Have fun this weekend. How's it going? Hi, my name is Alyssa. I'm 28.

Hi, Alyssa. How can I help? So to put it short, I've been with my boyfriend for a year, or a little over a year. We spent our anniversary in quarantine. Happy anniversary. Really happy. Thank you.

Really, really happy. For the most part, I have generally no problems in our relationship. My boyfriend has been working at his current job for three and a half years. And he's very, very unhappy there. And he has like an autoimmune disease and has like all kinds of different things that are keeping him happy at this place. Because it's like, he's working in these ridiculous hours. He's got like one of the worst bosses i've ever like heard in my life heard of in my life and um he's just generally very miserable there um and over the last like six months or so there's been conversations with my parents and him and myself about him maybe being brought on to my dad's business. My dad has like a small contracting business to put it lightly.

And it's nothing near the same industry that he's currently working in. And he has been like asking me more and more questions, more and more questions. And recently after everything that's been going on with COVID and with things being really intense at his current workplace, he has decided that he wants to leave. He's putting in applications at a bunch of different jobs, but didn't end up

really finding anything that he wanted. But recently, my dad has decided to ask him to come on to his business. My dad's kind of older. He's had this same business for like the last 25 years um it's been a family run business um i don't work for the company but my mom and my dad both run the company and they eventually want my boyfriend to eventually take over the business if that's something that he wants to um okay he's experienced in business so like that's kind of like what he wanted to do all along i guess um and do you have any siblings like i have two brothers what do they do older older brothers and they both live out of state um one actually owns his own business um and the other works in the same industry that my dad used to work,

but for a different company. Gotcha. Okay. So, and so I guess, I guess my question or like what I'm here for is like, I was super supportive and super excited about him going to work for my dad until like really recently I started having like all kinds of like second

guesses and like cold feet because I started like overthinking it and thinking like oh my gosh now my parents are going to be like in charge of him and in charge of his finances and like gonna kind of have like a reign over our lives a little bit more than I wanted to and like once I started really letting those thoughts in I like started freaking out because I did not want so i don't really want to be like 20 again that's what scares you is your parents being the source of his income and not the fact that um him potentially taking over your dad's business is the closest thing to like it certainly might feel like well i guess i'm gonna marry the guy well i mean

that's that's the plan i want to marry him like we already have making those plans i'm we're we're wanting to plan our future so i think that's why he's been like more interested especially recently getting out of this current job because he knows he can't have a future there um or at least not a happy one so there's nothing that's there's if you're really honest with yourself there's nothing about this situation where your dad's inviting your boyfriend to potentially take over that freaks you out in terms of fast tracking the relationship no okay because that would be my surprisingly yeah right i know that's what most people would guess um we've known each other for a really long time and i we're he's my best friend i mean i i

don't have any fears like in that regard like that's the one thing like even with this conversation that i'm having with you are there are there are parts or do you want a commitment i mean i not to like put thoughts in your head but that's like a a pretty big deal. I mean, listen, your dad's business is your dad's business and he can bring on whoever he wants and mentor and it doesn't have to be someone who's dating their daughter or whatnot. you know for you i gotta assume that's just like well shit man like what if we in the back of your mind and it's just like well if you're gonna like take over my dad's business are we gonna get engaged or like what i don't know are you so there's nothing about your relationship as it relates to you and your boyfriend that like it's just about your parents and the money maybe i'm more afraid of my parents um like parents showing their true colors to my boyfriend and then him being like, I don't know what family I'm getting into. What are your parents' true colors?

Well, I mean, they're not everybody's favorite. They're my parents, so I'm biased. I love them, but they're, especially in this day and age. No one's everyone's favorite. And I know, but especially in this day and age, I feel like my parents struggle socially in a lot of different aspects because of everything that's in the school. When you say they struggle socially,

I mean, they just have different points of view than you. And you're like, you don't want to bring them around your friends because they might say some offensive shit. Yeah. I mean, your parents aren't alone. I'm being honest. I know that's common for a lot of people our age, like a lot of parents of that generation, of my parents' generation are like

that. But I don't know. I just feel like I'm afraid. When you have conversations with your parents, what are your boyfriend's views on life? They're in line with yours? He and I are like, he and I are pretty dang in line. I would say because I come from my parents' conservative side, I have some things that I like put my foot down on, but very little things do we disagree on, like very little. We're pretty much right on the page. We talk about, there's nothing wrong with being conservative. It's just a matter of, being conservative doesn't mean you're offended does it immediately mean you're an offensive person now uh is your are your parents the type of people who could say something offensive do your parents or you know is your boyfriend the type of person who would take

offense to that you know these are all things that you might have a right to worry about but but i don't know like he knows like this about my parents he knows i disagree with them for the most part too so like i know that he's not like gonna be like changed forever if they say something also fine that's that's like a i get that you're like hey my parents might have these points you're protective of your parents in a way and you're also protective of your your boyfriend and i guess like yeah that can happen in every family situation in terms of but the bigger and more realistic question is like you said you don't know if your boyfriend's gonna like doing this right and it has nothing that has

nothing to do with your parents might say something your boyfriend finds to be ignorant or not you know they could be the most woke people and your boyfriend can still hate doing this he's never done it before uh he's a little desperate right now he hates his job so much it's never a great decision to make a a drastic uh life change when you're miserable um you know for me that's kind, when I made a life change, I left a job that I loved. I left a job that I was like looking forward to having for a really long time. And because I felt that way, I felt better about the risk I was taking because I knew what I was giving up.

You know, it was hard to give that up. And that made, that really made me have more of a clear mind in terms of taking the risk. Your boyfriend's just like, I fucking hate this so much. Like everything sounds like a better option. It seems foolish for your dad to like, you know. He's taking a big risk. Yeah, or like just kind of nominate your boyfriend as like the heir parent to his business i mean that can be the goal that could be something that hey we have in mind

but let's fucking see if you like it yeah you know i mean that is the plan initially but knowing that you're like your boyfriend like any other job might be like this isn't for me man i worry that like i'm going to as this like develops and as he starts working for me actually starts this weekend um so he's already said yes happens like he's already said yes i actually sent the email like right so the train the train's moving the train is moving he hasn't started but um yeah are you aware of any conversations they've had about let's see how it goes or is this like okay i've been a part of all the meetings as well um great i kind of tend to be the mediator for my parents because they don't communicate as smooth as i think they could they should let me say what

i think you're not saying well i think that you're concerned that your parents and your boyfriend are not going to like each other and there's going to be some kind of fight or riff and then you're not saying well I think that you're concerned that your parents and your boyfriend are not going to like each other and there's going to be some kind of fight or riff and then you're going to have to choose between your parents and your boyfriend in a relationship or that this relationship that you think is going to end in marriage is not because there's going to be some fight that keeps you from getting there pretty much right on the head okay that's kind of what I'm afraid of is in the future like what the the heck, like if something goes down or yeah, like I have already told my boyfriend, like I side with you, like I'm going to side with you. But I can't say that like without like my parents. Like, I don't know. I can't like leave them.

I mean, are you really that worried that your parents are going to be who are and your your boyfriend is not gonna end up hating them how's your boyfriend when it comes necessarily them itself but like the way that maybe they run the business or like how they do things in general like the problems that he has currently with his current employer obviously i'm not there to like witness why or how he feels the way he does but like i'm not sure if some of that's fabricated or not or like if there to like witness why or how he feels the way he does but like i'm not sure if some of that's fabricated or not or like if there's like well that was my next question in his head yeah that was my next question do you you know people there's some people who like every boss they have is a total asshole and it's just like what's right the constant here but at the same time

because your boyfriend has an asshole boss doesn't mean he's not, the boss isn't actually an asshole. So there's another fear that you have is, how's my boyfriend when it comes to being managed? You know, how is he working with others? Working for your girlfriend's dad is a situation that is bound to potentially get messy. It generally makes everyone cringe. Like everyone, yeah yeah that's just a reality so i think the important thing is like uh your boyfriend needs to feel like he needs to spend the first year figuring out if he just likes the job and i think your parents need to

that's that's the goal the goal isn't to yeah mean, that's what we've decided is just to give it a year to figure it out. But I know my dad has more expectations, you know, just because I know him. Well, tell him he's going to have to get over it if... I mean, listen, I don't know if your dad had any hopes that you or your two brothers would take over the family business, you didn't so i think he'll get over that yeah and so he'll get over if your boyfriend doesn't want to either it's true so he keeps trying to pass it on down to anybody else sure but i'm just saying you know like this is i'm assuming you or your two brothers not doing it was harder for him to smile than if his his uh his

daughter's maybe future uh son-in-law or right right or whatever doesn't just feels like it's kind of his like last straw and i'm like worried about him too so i'm your dad he doesn't yeah he needs to retire and he needs to stop working and so he that's kind of i think the other things that i feel too so do you think your boyfriend will like it i do it's new so it's hard to say like it's completely the chance to make a lot of money yeah what motivate what is your motive like is your uh boyfriend money motivated what's why um he's actually work-life balance motivated his current job he's not getting like he's working almost 13 hour days and he can't running your own business is not big on work-life balance at least i know first oh it's right it's hard work but yeah it's

more like the physical labor that he was doing at his previous job but yeah um that's more of like the physical labor that he was doing at his previous job. But yeah, um, that's kind of also a concern too, because it's a stressful job. So having like running a business. Yeah. I mean, I think you just kind of have to let it play out.

And, uh, I guess, yeah, you are involved. Don't make it worse. Don't just let it, let it play out.

How can I be cool? Just stay cool. Well, it's already happening. The train's moving. Just let it fucking see where it goes can i be cool just stay cool well it's already happening the train's moving just let it fucking see where it goes you know at this point you know if you're like i don't know if you were like well he hasn't made a decision yet i would maybe reinforce the possibility that he's making a decision out of fear and just right you know but now he's like he's gonna start let him start and see where he's already, he's quit his job. Right. You quit the old job.

It's already gone, man. And he's been a lot happier since then. Actually. Let's see where it plays out. I mean, at this point. Yeah. Yeah. Don't fucking micromanage either your parents or your boyfriend.

Just see where it goes. Is that what I'm doing? No, I'm just, you're, yeah're yeah um kind of i mean listen i get it you're uh you're worried but i guess my point is it's going so yeah it could work out let it give it a shot to work out don't sabotage it don't don't don't prepare yourself for the worst when the worst hasn't even shown it's going to happen. Yeah, that's what I was doing for sure. All right.

Well, best of luck. Yeah. Thank you. I appreciate it. It could work out. It totally might work out. Yeah. You really, you know, there's really...

Who knows? I might be calling back Rich later on. Cool. What a dream. What a dream. That's my dream. What a dream. Does he have's my dream what a dream does he have a brother right actually uh all right well best of luck i hope it works out all right thank you

see ya well well well another fun little episode i feel like i had to play bad cop today i think it just had to be real with people today. You know, sometimes I worry that my audience is like, Nick, you're kind of mean. It's like, sometimes you just need to fucking hear it,

man. You just need to hear it. Your bluntness is what makes it great. I, I, I got the sense I was talking to too many people who have talked to too many of their friends who all were like, I mean,

it's fine. You are who you are. You just, you know, be your best self. But that's why they're reaching out because they need to hear it from somebody who's not like, you're fine.

Fucking stop doing what you're doing. Stop doing what you're doing. That's the theme of today. It gets better. Stop doing what you're doing. That's better. Definition of insanity. Yeah.

Well, thanks for listening guys i uh appreciate it we always need your questions so feel free to send us in your questions your stories we can always be anonymous yeah i don't know if you guys know this but some of these people's names that they're using aren't their real names because we want you to feel comfortable we want you to tell your story so So please do send in your questions. Ask Nick at cast me.com cast with a K. Other than that, we will see you on Wednesday,

Tuesday. I don't know when this episode is being released or when the battery, but we'll see, like just, you know, make sure you're subscribing to the show. So you'll get a nice little notification either way. Other than that,

we always appreciate you listening. Take care. Be safe., we always appreciate you listening. Take care. Be safe. We'll see you next time.