The Viall Files - E157 Ask Nick - Avoid the Superficial Experience with Chicks In The Office

Episode Date: July 27, 2020

On today’s episode of Ask Nick we are excited to be joined by Fran & Ria from The Chicks In The Office Podcast. The ladies and Nick take on some great topics to help give another perspective to your relationship questions. Dating Apps in quarantine is a hot topic these days and we talk to someone who is experiencing everything from being asked a survey at the end of a FaceTime date to struggling just to make the connection digitally versus in person. We also speak with a woman who is about to attend a wedding with her ex who left her for her best friend. And, lastly, a someone who is saving herself for marriage but after expressing her want to move in with her boyfriend her family is questioning whether or not she can stay true to her values.  “It's easier to move out of an apartment than get divorced.” Send your sex and relationship questions to [e-mail]. THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: LIQUID IV: liquidiv.com CODE: VIALL MODERN FERTILITY: modernfertility.com/VIALL EMBARK: embarkvet.com CODE: VIALL Episode Socials: Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall Chicks In The Office @chicksintheoffice Maria Ciuffo @mariaciuffo Francesca Mariano @francescamariano See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

you're crazy what's going on everybody welcome to another episode of the vile files ask nick edition i'm your host nick joined my my by my producer chris you can't even talk i've had too much coffee hello uh we have a great episode for you today because my friends fran and ria from chicks in the office are here to help answer some burning relationship questions and i thought they'd be great uh they are very insightful women with, well, you guys are, you're younger, but like, I gotta say, I follow your guys' podcast.

I follow you on social media. You're witty, you're funny. You have great feedback. And I thought it would be fun to have you on. And quite honestly, you didn't disappoint. Well, thanks for having us, Nick. You know, we're big fans of you. I've always wanted to come on the show. You've been on our show before.

And we've had a back and forth recently that I was really just excited to talk in person. Yeah, yeah. You know, for those of you who don't know what Rhea's talking about, Rhea, it's like I actually have a sister named Rhea. And yet Rhea and I almost treat each other like a brother and sister where it's like we tease because we love uh at least i like to think but she uh her her her bite can can sting sometimes when i first met ria she was like i used to make fun of you all the time and i was like cool fran is more the like intermediate or she's like she's like

whispering him to me she's like that's her being nice and i'm like are you sure because honestly i feel like i don't know if if she is or not i'm just a little more honest like i'm sure fran would say the same thing behind the scenes except i am like saying it to your face where which is my way of showing you that i like you and that i think that we can joke around and have a good time totally i didn't actually think that we could be friends i would just avoid you at all costs like yeah i enjoy a playful friendship well we're actually similar yes and for the record i don't i'm not a big talk behind people's back person no not yeah not talk behind back but you're not as you're not as quick to say like uh like like

hey i used to make fun of you to nick that's that's fair that's fair but i i voiced my opinion to nick and that you know it was a a roller more of a roller coaster, you know, at the beginning it was tough, but after Bachelor in Paradise, I warmed up to Nick a lot as I think a lot of the public did after Paradise. Well, I appreciate you guys saying that, but either way, it was fun to come on. I honestly like didn't know who you women were at first. I actually, I heard a lot about Chicks in the Office, Chicks in the Office, some of my friends had either been on your podcast or were just fans of your show. And I remember being like, I'm coming to New York,

and I'm like, I don't know who these girls are, but my friends love their show. And so I was like, hey, I'm gonna be in New York. You guys wanna podcast? And then you guys actually were on vacation, and then you didn't write back to me right away and i was like well i guess they don't want me on well fuck you know and then finally got back from vacation and we podcasted but uh how did you guys start uh you

know your your podcast or chicks in the office and how did you guys get that to be what it is today? Um, well, I'll start. So I started working at Barstool Sports when I was 19 years old. I'm 22 now. I'm actually going to be 23 on Sunday. So I guess I should just say 23, but I was 19. I was going to school at FIT in the city and my friend, Glennie Balls, shout out Glenn, I went to high school with him and he had gotten an internship at Barstool. It was their first two weeks in New York City. You know, they're from Boston. They had moved to New York City and he got an internship and I texted him congratulations because I had been following Barstool, was a fan. And it was like the big news of our past high school alumni. It was like, oh my God, Glenn got an internship at Barstool. And then right after that, he was like the big news of our past high school alumni was like, oh, my God, Glenn got an internship at Barstool.

And then right after that, he was like, you know, there's not a lot of women here at all. Actually, it's only the women's CEO, Erica. And they're looking for some girl interns if you would be interested. And I had done child acting and modeling from when I was eight years old up until you know I actually started working at Barstool I always wanted to work in front of the camera or behind the camera whichever it was just always an entertainment of some sort so I was like absolutely I would love to intern there uh I came in for an interview and was hired on the spot by Caleb who was Glennie's boss at the time so it's's funny, Caleb was going on like a, they did these tours at

Barstool where they would just go from college to college. I'm sure people have heard of them before and Caleb was leaving. So he was like, okay, I have two interns at the office. I'm not even there. And it was like a big joke and it became content. And from that, I just, I started doing random videos for different shows at Barstool, like part of my take or whatever it was, just random content that I can get into, you know, started making a presence on Twitter a little bit more, just doing anything I can get my hands on there and ended up, you know, showing up at school a lot less so I could spend more time there. You know, even on the business side, whatever it was, I was just like i need to

work here because there are so many different avenues that you could take they really let you do anything you want if you come up with it um so i was working there for about six months as really like i was the only girl intern really only other girl there besides erica and then fran came in in around february so that was in september then fran came in in february yeah so were you guys friends at the time or you met at barstool no this is like so it connects after fran tells her point of coming in yeah so i i yeah we did not know each other um i was also going to school in manhattan and i got um an internship there as well. And I was basically the second girl on kind of the content side. And at first, everyone thought Rhea and I were not going

to get along. They just thought there was, you know, maybe there was going to be more of a catty feel to it. And right away, it just was not like that. We immediately bonded. We were able to get together to do more content things together. We got to make videos together. We ended up realizing that the two of us together would be a really great combination. And we started the Chicks in the Office Instagram, which actually was the first thing to happen in the chicks in the office lineage. The Instagram came first where we did little like one minute, uh, news stories, whatever the biggest topic of the day was where we would film ourselves in our merch

closet. And, um, that would go out every day. And from there, you know, we got approval to go out on the publicly throughout the whole site to all the main Barstool following on all their social. We got our own time slot on the Barstool Sirius XM channel. And after that was when we started the Chicks in the Office podcast. So we just I believe it's been about two years exactly around since since we started the Chicks in the Office podcast. So we just, I believe it's been about two years exactly around since, since we started the podcast and it's, it's been great. Yeah. It was, it was crazy because like she had mentioned, we were both in school at the time while also interning. And it's just like, it's such a fun place to work. And like I said, they just give you the freedom to really create whatever you want. So it was like, what am

I, what am I going to school for? Like, I know that I can get a full-time job here if I really just put my mind to it. And that's exactly what Fran and I did was just like chicks in the office took off on Instagram. And then from there, it's actually a really funny side story. Uh, within two weeks of creating the chicks in the office Office Instagram, the casting director for Amazing Race reaches out to us. And we're like, holy shit, we've been doing this for two weeks. What? Oh, my God. Like, we're going to be on TV, this whole thing. They fly us to L.A. and we stay in a hotel room for six days straight.

We're not allowed outside. Just me and Fran in one room. We can't talk to anybody. Like, it was a whole process. We really thought we were going to be on the show yeah we really um and then because they made it seem that way we got the shots and everything oh I still have the vaccinations I still have the passport the Indonesian visa in my passport yeah they they had us all set up so this was going to be starting in September and Fran and I, well, we can't go back to school now.

And also, we just got offered to be on The Amazing Race. If we tell Barstool this, they're going to be like, we need to hire these girls full time. They clearly got something here. They're being asked to be on TV within two weeks. So we told them, we dropped out of school, and then we got a full time job. So it really has been like, go been like go go go ever since the instagram launched wow and then you and then you so you dropped out of school you didn't and you didn't go on an amazing race no so we ended up not honestly i remember this day so clearly because

i was having didn't make the cut the worst fucking day and this lady calls me up and i'm like i see her name come up like oh my god this is gonna turn my whole day around we're going on the amazing race i don't give a fuck about anything we're going on tv and then she's like so uh you know you were the 12th team on the list and we went with 11 teams so you know you guys are the backup if if a team drops out and they can't do it if somebody gets sick uh you guys will be called in to go, but you know, we're going in a separate direction. And that was it. But it ended up being the best thing because if we had gone to do the amazing grace, we wouldn't have had our phones. We wouldn't have had our laptops. We'd had no communication to the outside world. Even if you do get kicked off within the first day for two or three months, whatever it is, can't talk to

anybody. So it turned out to be great because chicks in the office grew from that. We got the kicked off within the first day for two or three months whatever it is can't talk to anybody so it turned out to be great because chicks in the office grew from that we got the radio show and then from the radio show we got the podcast so it was really just a blessing totally because even like i'm sure if you had gone on and regardless of how well you did um i'm sure like obviously barstool would want to leverage we would have done really bad first of all pardon me oh you said you really got we would have done really bad like that was a major that was a major like a major problem with us we were like we're gonna do this and if we if they say you're on we're gonna go but in the back of our minds we were like it's just gonna suck so

much to be like you you never know you know what I think could have been the worst months of not saying anything. You know, I think it could have been the worst case scenario for you in that situation that it would have been you guys doing decent. And because I think had you guys done decently, then we became amazing race people. Yeah. Right. You would have been like, you would have been caught up in kind of this like whole world, right? And you would have been distracted by this and you would have been like, well, do we focus on this or do we focus on that?

And eventually you would have probably like wanted to like leverage your opportunity on TV to like get the chicks in the office thing going, which you probably I'm sure would have done, but you also might've just been pulled in other directions. And instead of doing that, the disappointment at the time of, of not being casted,

I'm assuming then you guys decided to just go fucking full throttle with, uh, the Instagram and the podcast and then things have, you know, brought you to where you are now. I, yeah, I want like,

cause clearly you didn't need to go on amazing race to make this podcast successful. No, it was, it was really a blessing, honestly. Yeah. I mean, you guys, I, I, I noticed you guys in the charts, you know, and it's just like, you know, in my mind, sometimes, you know, if you guys are up there and I'm always, you know, you're a friend. So like, I like competing with friends, but you guys are doing great. And you guys are doing some great things out there.

And that's why I wanted to have you guys on and offer some life advice to some of your peers and share a different perspective than hearing some of the same bullshit that I tell people. So yeah. Thanks for sharing your little behind the scenes. I honestly didn't know because I was just personally curious and maybe my audience is too. So I think with that being said, let's just get to our caller, shall we? Yeah. All right.

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Good. What's your name? I'm Sarah and I'm 21. Hi, Sarah, 21. How can we help? Okay, so I usually like to try to meet people in person. But with COVID, I decided on a dating app. It kind of got off to a bit of a rocky start. I feel like I had a time finding people that I connected with, but when I sent my email in, I had just met this guy, and we're having great communication and great conversation. Then we had a FaceTime date and it went pretty well. But then he ended the call by saying that he has been lining up a lot of FaceTime dates and he likes to ask some questions at the end. So he said, like, how do you think it was?

How do you feel overall? like keep talking so I guess I get that he wants to just like you know be honest and keep communication open but that kind of made me uncomfortable and then that ended up not working out but since I sent my email in, I met this other guy and it seemed really good at first. Um, we just kind of had a great connection right away. Um, and we talked for a while, then we FaceTimed and I was like, wow, I really like this guy. Um, but throughout the FaceTime call, we kind of, um, like it went well, but then he was like slipping in these stories about girls that he used to date. And at first it was just, you know, like funny stories of stuff that went wrong. But the more I talked to him, the more he talks about all these other girls.

So that just makes me uncomfortable. And then one day I was texting him and he was at the beach. And then later I was talking to him on the phone and he said that he was checking out girls at the beach because he just needs to scope it out. Who are these oversharers you're like matching with on these apps I don't know it's so weird um and he um like you know I don't know it was just like really odd but he seems really interested I like him but that just kind of worries me so i guess basically my questions are um first of all like does it get better because i feel like i keep getting these weird situations and then also how do i make myself stand out on an app when i feel like the guys i'm talking to are talking to tons of other girls. Sure.

These are all great questions and probably very relatable in terms of what people feel when they go on dating apps. Your first guy, Wilde, I actually would love to like have him on here and find out like what's because the way you're describing and correct me if I'm wrong. it like what's because the way you're describing and correct me if i'm wrong it's almost like he has the facetime date and then an immediate evaluation of the date while you're on the facetime where is that right or like yeah it was like at the end of the call and he's like okay well i gotta go but before i go i have some questions and i was just like wait what so it's like when you call your bank and they're like okay please hold to take this brief survey on how the how the attendant handled your problems what a great analogy for i mean

clearly he wants feet yeah clearly he wants feedback yeah it almost sounds like he wants feedback. Yeah. It almost sounds like he... I respect the fact that he wants feedback. It almost sounds like, yeah, it's like he has an alternative motives in terms of like, he has this girl he wants to pursue and he wants to get that one right. And so what he's doing is going on all these other dates

with these women to like take notes and like write an algorithm about how he can best perform in the date he really wants to do well on yeah I don't know well he oh sorry go ahead no he like definitely is like um super into like having all these projects and like he's super like business minded so it kind of felt like an interview sure so uh and and was that like your first like facetime date that you had from going dating apps okay yeah and aside from that i feel like i talked to like a fair amount of people and

then it just like dies out so it's like these two guys and i'm like all this weird stuff is happening and then everyone else it's like not working out okay you're gonna say something ria i was gonna say about the last guy he's definitely not the one i don't think especially with the interview process you have to go through but how often do you hear somebody who wants to hear genuine feedback about themselves? Like, I definitely wouldn't recommend it. And I don't see this as a guy that you should be with. But we have to give him credit for the fact that whoever wants to hear something bad about themselves. And also, I would like to know, Also, I would like to know, what did you tell him about how you felt in your survey?

So I was totally caught off guard and I thought it was going well until then. So I'm just like, oh, it was good. And then I just kind of like turned it around on him. And I'm like, what do you think? Because basically it was good, but then that made it weird. Yeah. My suggestion would be to next time tell him that's weird. Because he had the confidence to ask you those questions,

you should take that confidence and be like, I thought that was weird, so I'm going to tell you that's weird. Yeah. I mean, right off the bat, you might like, I don't know if that's weird, but I agree with Rhea being like, well, what made you want to do this? You know, in terms of like, what's, is there, have you, do you do this with all the people you go on dates with? You know, something like that. Just out of curiosity, have you guys ever talked again?

Or did you just end it because it was so weird? No, it just like died out. So maybe he was just trying to get me to say I didn't like it so that he'd be off the hook. I don't know. I mean, who knows with this guy? this is a unique thing that he did. So honestly, all bets are off for what his motives were. I mean, that's why I said I don't want to be interested in asking him. But you know, it's interesting enough, like your second, your second example, I think is a little bit more relatable in terms of a lot of people like to overshare.

That's the tough part about dating, too. Nothing seems like there's balance. It always feels like the extremes of the people you go on dates and it's like the person on the other side of the table like doesn't talk or they give you yes and no answers and you're kind of feeling like you're just dragging things out of them and there's no like natural flow or then you meet someone who's like an overshare and the conversation there's a lot to talk about because they're just like feeding you too much information about them it's just like yeah we i guess i'm eventually gonna be interested in your dating life but i don't need a play-by-play of every sexual conquest you've had or every girl that you've had and that's just the challenge i guess you could say about about dating um let me out of curiosity

kind of to to rio's point when he was bringing up all these um examples of women he's gone on dates with did you were you just like, okay, cool? Or did you ask him why he shares this stuff? Oh, I feel like I was just like, oh, okay. I don't know. I've never really been in that situation before. So yeah, I probably should have been like, wait, why are you telling me this because he was like going into specific details of like oh yeah like with my like this old girl I was dating I would you know see her like three times a week and then he would tell me like oh yeah and she'd like sleep over on the weekend like I'm like why are are you telling me your schedule of how you get together

and stuff? Some people just have a way of using their own experiences as a way to let you know how they've operated in the past and what their expectations might be in the future. It's not a best practice, especially in an early dating situation. And I don't know why some guys do it. I've definitely been guilty at times of maybe oversharing in terms of, oh, I just want you to know who I am. So I just want to like, here's an example of a situation. And they're like, well, great. Now I won't ever be able to get that out of my head. Like I've definitely in my lifetime, I've made that mistake. And sometimes it comes with nerves and this idea of wanting to be upfront and honest, but then it's just like, I didn't really need to know that. It's a balance. But yeah, I mean, the overall answer to your question is like, does it get better? Yeah,

sure. It's a numbers game dating, right? And I always like use a baseball analogy. I apologize. I don't know if you're a sports fan and if you like baseball, but like if you get a hit three out of 10 times, you're a hall of famer, you know, in the sense that it, you know, how you define success when it comes to dating, especially in dating apps is different than how you might define success in other aspects of your life. So, you know, having one really great date out of 10 is not necessarily a bad thing. You know, that's kind of a successful thing. And dating sometimes does get exhausting and it feels like weird and uncomfortable because there's these

situations that, you know, like this happens and you get easily discouraged. But I think it's just trying to having a broader approach and having that expectation. We often go into dating situations, not wanting them to mostly be fine or good or positive and get excited. And then we easily get discouraged when many of them just aren't the right fit. You know, it's just kind of a weird situation. And then we start wondering if it's us, if there's things we are, if we're doing wrong, you know, but the truth is, it's compatibility is not meant to be easy. Otherwise, it would kind of water down what it feels like when we actually do meet someone we're excited about. Yeah, it makes sense. You know, friends appreciate you more when you know more about them. That's just people like to know that they're understood.

Yes, that you get them. And I bet you didn't think I was going to start talking about dogs. But we always talk about our furry friends. And yet, so often do we know very little about them. But you know about your friends' kids and stuff. So why wouldn't you know about their dogs? I know. And you know, listen,

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So visit EmbarkVet.com and use promo code V-I-A-L-L to get $50 off today. EmbarkVet.com and use promo code V-i-a-l-l and then also i guess i worry with like all these conversations that just fizzle out um aside from these two guys so like i worry that i'm coming across as boring or something what do you mean and i don't know i just feel like i want to just ask them questions like where do you go to school like what have you been up to and is that like i don't know i feel like a lot of people want to like banter first like so is that what i should be doing or like what do

you think i don't think there's a right and wrong approach. I think the important thing, and it sounds so cliche is to be yourself. You know, I've, and I, I hear this, it's a constant theme. Like people do it a lot, but I've noticed young women do it a little bit more. They, they're, they seem really focused on making sure the guy likes them. And as a result, you're changing your questions or changing your answers because you're just like, I want them to like me, right? And then I think sometimes we have a habit of losing ourselves. And in a dating app situation of having multiple at-b at bats going back to the baseball analogy, like it's, I think it's very easy to misrepresent yourself because you're just trying to do it the

right way. You're trying to make sure the conversation goes well. Like, I don't think, I mean, real, a lot of baseball analogies, you should really worry about swinging and missing. Like that's all part of the process. So like whatever you like, you know, the truth is, if these are questions you want to ask someone, you should keep asking them. Eventually, you're going to interact with a guy who likes that you're wanting to get to know them, right? If you're not someone who likes small talk, then you shouldn't apologize for that in a

dating situation. You know what I'm saying? Like there's going to be a lot of guys that you connect with because you like what their face looks like and you thought their dog was cute and they had a clever bio, but like there's not going to be a lot of things to talk about. And that's fine. You just kind of move on. The truth is on a dating app situation most of your interactions as you describe should fizzle out you know they they're not you know otherwise the alternative is like finding 10 guys that you think you could date and then that's that's a whole new problem then you have to wonder like you know what i'm saying like yeah no that makes sense especially during this um especially during this time where you can't

actually see these people uh you can't meet for you know meet to hang out so over facetime it's it's tough and i think over facetime people tend to overshare also just because you're not actually in front of the other person um but i also just want you to never be afraid of coming off as boring. For some reason for women, I think, and especially in dating, being labeled boring is like one of the worst things. Like in your mind, you're like, oh God, I really just hope he doesn't think I'm boring. And it's like, for some reason, I feel like we harp on being boring. Like if someone says you're boring,

you're like, oh my God, I can't get over that. He thinks I'm boring. Like you think it's like the worst thing when in reality, it's really not an event. Like I just want you to, when you're having these dates and you're going on, you're having these conversations, try and block that out

because it's a weird thing that I think bothers a lot of women. And if you have that in your mind, like, Oh, God, I really don't want to come off as boring. You might be kind of changing the way you would normally talk to somebody and then you're then you're having a superficial experience. So I just want you to try and don't worry about being boring because you know sometimes that's that that is not the worst thing i would totally agree they feel better and it's interesting to hear fran say that because as a guy it's just as fraught like guys want to think of themselves as exciting or like the women that they're on dates with think that's like, Ooh, he's, you know, no one likes, no one likes to be called boring. So just know from a guy's point of view, the guys have just as many insecurities about that as well, which is why

you sometimes might run into the overshare who, who he, why he thinks that, um, telling you about all the women he might go on a date with doesn't make a lot of sense when you say it out loud, but for whatever reason, he thinks that might be a good thing. And maybe it's because he wants you to think that he has this exciting life and he's some sort of prize to be won. I don't know his motivation, but it's definitely insecure that I think we all have as people. But I think Fran makes a great point that I would just stress that, people. But I think Fran makes a great point that I, and I would just stress that, especially when you're starting this kind of FaceTime, Zoom dates, dating app situation, it's really important to have the things that you're looking for and you're like the things

that you like and, and figuring out what, who you want to go on second dates with. out what who you want to go on second dates with and don't feel bad about things not working out i mean one out of ten good dates is a is a win you know like it's just a one out of ten matches is is a win and um and that can get exhausted you know but like and also feel free to take a time out if you feel exhausted with it then just take a like a quick If you feel exhausted with it, then just take a quick break. Because dating can be fun. It can be exhausting. We have a way of, instead of evaluating the people we want to date, we have a way of evaluating ourselves too much when it comes to dating because we're so worried about people liking us. And that's probably the most exhausting part about dating is the way we kind of look in the mirror and kind of beat ourselves up and start assuming what people might have

thought of us or why didn't they call us right away? Why didn't they? Why didn't they get excited? Meanwhile, we barely even liked them. But because we started obsessing whether they liked us, we started thinking they were something special, because like, you don't even evaluate whether you like the things he said, or, you know, the questions he asked, but you just, you know, we get insecure about what the other people think about, think about us. So. Yeah. And I guess like, I think, you know, these guys I'm talking to are definitely talking to a bunch of other people because I feel like sometimes they'll send me a message and like it doesn't really pertain to the conversation so I'm like oh I guess that was meant for someone

else probably yeah you know that can be frustrating but like you said you're new at this and I think the the short answer is unfortunately this is all kind of normal. And I think to answer your question about like, is, am I doing, you know, it's, it's a messy, wild world in the, in the dating app space and technology can be great, but it also makes things even easier. I mean, in theory, a guy could have like two FaceTime dates in a night. He could have three, you know, he doesn't even have to go to a bar and buy drinks. He's just like, well, I got, I got an 8 PM. I got a 9 30 and I got an 11 o'clock, you know he doesn't even have to go to a bar and buy drinks he's just like well i got i got an 8 p.m i got a 9 30 and i got an 11 o'clock you know i mean i'm not saying every guy are doing that but

i i'm sure some are um yeah now you're scaring her at the end of the day sarah you you're not doing anything wrong. You're handling the dating apps, especially during this time when you can't be meeting people in person pretty much the exact way I think anybody would handle it. You're doing it. You're on there. You're having these dates. You're FaceTiming with people. having these dates or FaceTiming with people. And like, like Nick said, naturally things will just come to an end. And, you know, eventually there will be someone that you like talking to as much as he likes talking to you. All right, Sarah, we'll keep shooting. And I, whether it's on a dating app, or when you maybe, maybe all this online dating will lead to like you randomly going to get a coffee and there he is. You never know, but eventually you just got to keep going for it and you'll,

it'll all work out. I'm confident in that. Okay. Thank you guys. All right. Take care. Fran, you have a boyfriend,

Rhea. Do you have a boyfriend too? Yeah, I do. Did you meet them on dating apps or how did you guys meet them i work with my boyfriend not directly but he works at barstool yeah what about you friend we've been dating for over three years so yeah we would have been good if we should have gotten a should i date my co-worker but i don't have any good advice for that because we've been dating for

almost four years and so there's never been an issue. So it's like, I can't even say anything to that. Yeah. I met my boyfriend the good old old fashioned way at a bar. Great. That's true love right there. Nothing wrong with that. Yep. How's it going? Hi, I'm Alexi 25. Hi, Alexi 25. How can we help? Okay. So, um, I'll just jump right into the story. So back in about March, uh, my boyfriend of four years, it was kind of sudden and abrupt, um, throughout like that whole relationship, he and a mutual friend that we had, she dated one of our friends, too. She was in a relationship. They were often very flirtatious throughout the relationship.

I would confront him. It just seemed innocent. So I kind of let it go myself now. So about a week after we broke up, her and her boyfriend broke up. So that was just already kind of some timing um not for sure if they're together have some pretty um strong leads that they are together if they're not like actually together they've slept together which just hurts because she was a friend um so fast forward to now um we all are in a wedding this october so that is just um i feel like kind

of on my mind more than i would like it to be just super anxious and nervous of how that day is going to go of course like i would never like make the day about me or like was any drama but i'm just worried my emotions might get the best of me at some point. And I just, you know, want to have like the best day for my friend. And yeah. So just kind of looking at advice, how I can be my best version of myself on that day. Yeah.

It's a tough one. I mean, I mean, the answer is simple, but it's a tough situation, right? Because I've been there before. I mean, my first, you know, it's a different situation, but my, I've, I mentioned this before, but my very first girlfriend, we would break up

and get back together, break up and get back together. And there was towards the end of the breaking up and get back together. There was this other guy that she'd always go back with. And she lived in like the other, you know, the other other town or whatever and when she was hanging out with that guy my friends would go to these other bars and i would just avoid it completely because i couldn't handle like the possibility of running into a her and her hanging out with this guy because i just i couldn't process what that interaction might be like um and while it's different than what you're going through, there's some similarities of like you're dreading this. I can only imagine you like you've played it out in your head in

terms of like seeing him and seeing her and what if they dance or what if they're kissing and I bet you've played it all out in your head and how that's going to make you feel. The questions you're going to want to ask him, questions you're going to want to ask her, et cetera, et cetera. And your ego is just, it's just yelling at you and doing all these things to make you feel insecure about yourself. And what does it say about you or the relationship?

Did it ever mean anything? Did your friendship, you get what I'm saying? I bet you're thinking about all these things. A hundred percent. The answer is just kind of facing it head on. Instead of asking yourself questions, start giving yourself some answers, you know, in terms of what does it mean or what does it matter? I mean, your relationship with this guy is over, right?

So it doesn't matter what your relationship meant when you were dating. It's now over for whatever reason. You know what I'm saying? Like, yes, it hurt. Yes, there might have been some distrust issues. There's nothing you can do to go back to that situation. All you can focus on is what you might have learned from. You know, there's always this thing of like, what red flags was I not seeing while we were dating? You know, not that you can do anything about it now, but what could you do in the future for your next relationship? And the same with the friendship. Right. I mean, what you should do as much as it

might fucking hurt when you're at the wedding is just kill them with fucking kindness, not give a shit. Like even if you're dying on the inside, go and have the best fucking time. Right. And I guarantee, I promise you this much. If you're able to successfully go to this wedding and put on a good face and just, you will A, probably have more fun than you think you would have had. And when it's all over, you're going to be so fucking proud of yourself because like you just didn't give them the satisfaction of getting mad. I promise you, if you do go there and you, it gets to you and you say something to him or say something to her after the wedding is over and you process the interaction,

you're gonna feel worse from that, if that makes sense. This is a real opportunity to like face your fears. And there's a real opportunity for you to get closure that you thought you needed, but you don't. But the closure is gonna come from how you handle it. It's not going to come from any conversation you have from him. It's not going to come from any conversation you have from her. It's going to come from you showing up and acting indifferent and acting, telling yourself, this doesn't, like, I'm better off not being in this toxic relationship. I don't want any part of this.

I'm happy for them. They deserve each other. You know know not even in a vindictive way it's just like i'm you know what good for them i i uh right i when i got it my so that after i'll tell you a story i don't know if i maybe i've told this before it was like this pot so I got engaged before I was ever on the show. It was for all the wrong reasons, whatever. We got engaged, but three weeks after we got engaged, I started hearing rumors that she was cheating on me, right? Everyone told me she was cheating on me. I didn't want to believe it, et cetera, et cetera. Then eventually we broke up, right? She started then dating the guy that she was rumored to be cheating on, Kind of like what you're, you know, it's just like, oh, there were signs.

And then it's like, of course, fast forward eight months, they got engaged. And then she's, and so she showed up on her bachelorette party. My girlfriend was at the time was bartending and this is where me and my friends would hang out. And so she knew I went there every Saturday night to hang out with my buddies

when my girlfriend was bartending. And my ex-girlfriend who's having her bachelorette party showed up at this bar. Now she knows, she knew I was there. Like I knew she knew I was there and I knew she kind of wanted to come and create drama. And she like said hi to me. And I was just like so fucking nice.

I smiled. I was like, oh my God, I'm so happy for you. It's so great. Like when's the big day? I was like, Oh my God, I'm so happy for you. It's so great. Like when's the big day? And like, that's so cool. And I was just like some just joyful friend. And she immediately started crying and she started crying because I did not give her the reaction that she was expecting and, and why she showed up. And I'll tell you what, it was the greatest fucking feeling I ever felt. So like it, I'm just saying it's such an opportunity for you to go because you know what there might be expect they're probably thinking

oh what's she gonna oh my god like is it gonna be weird and whatever and you show up and you're just fucking a rock star oh my it's such an opportunity for you yeah that's for sure he will not be expecting that i'm sure i would say to take all the anxiety and fear that you're having and turn it into excitement. Because now if you turn this into excitement and get ready to just show off your best self, like Nick said, it's going to be an exciting day for you. Because I bet you've been thinking about, oh, I wish I could run into him again or whatever it is. Because of course you're feeling that way. That was your ex-boyfriend. into him again or whatever it is, because of course you're feeling that way. That was your ex-boyfriend. Now you're going to run into him in, you may think is the worst circumstance, but could probably be the best circumstance possible because you're facing both of them

head on. Number one, you don't want to be with him anymore anyway, because he did this to you. You don't want that friend in your life because who wants a shitty friend like that? So now you're like, oh my God, I'm going to be looking good, feeling good. These people are going to be so jealous of me. They're probably going to end up having a shitty time thinking about how good of a time you're having. I have a similar story to Nick where the same thing happened, same situation. It's always the person that you're worried about that the guy or the girl ends up with. And we were at a party and my ex-boyfriend and this girl that I had worried about, they were there. And I had the best time of my life. No joke. I was like living it up. I was

like, this is the best time ever. I'm laughing with everybody. I'm laughing with his friends. We're having a good time. This kid ended up crying his eyes out to me later that night, like the same exact situation because they can't deal with the fact that you're having a good time and you're okay without them because they made that initial reaction where they thought they didn't need you. Now you need to say, Hey buddy, I don't need you at all. Yeah. It's, it's, it's funny because I think everybody really does have a situation similar to this with dating somebody. Or even just dealing with seeing a friend date an ex. That's never easy, but it happens all the time.

All of a sudden you have your friend who's now dating your ex and you kind of have to put on the happy face and be like, all right, but you just, and you just have to remind yourself, this guy is an ex for a reason. I don't want him back in my life. So if they want to go do their thing, good luck. Uh, if it works, I'm happy for them. If it doesn't, I told you so, but it's like, it's, it's just, it's, it's like both of the, both of these guys said, you show up, you have an amazing time. Um, and thankfully, you know, if it is, it is a wedding, you'll have your other friends there with you, um, who can be resources for you, you know, make sure your girlfriends know what you're feeling, how you're feeling. Say like, look, ladies, I'm ready to have a good time. Let's not worry about these two.

And they'll support you. And that's like, you know, one of the best things. And you can just have a great time with your friends and they can, you know, do their own thing. Yeah. Give them a little, a little warning to be like, if you see me maybe getting in my feels a little bit, you see me sitting down, maybe my head is down, maybe I'm looking at my phone, whatever it is, get me back up. Yeah. Get me dancing. Tell your friends to look out for you. Even though, you know, like you said, this day is about whoever's getting married. Your friends are your friends and they're going to be there for you. And so I made up my mind, I have to give a speech too so i'm like oh god yeah no again this is such an opportunity i'll take all that advice in too this is such an opportunity for you to shine too you just it's really how how you approach it a maid of honor speech too yeah like you get up there and you public speak your ass off. Totally.

Get a comedian to like ghost write it. So then you become just like the funniest person at the party. Yeah. Perfect idea. And as far, I will say the only, I mean, I'm happy for Rhea and Fran to disagree with me. As far as the letting, I'd be careful about letting too many friends know about your potential struggle. I only say that because like, sometimes

you have to fake it till you make it. And if there's just like a strong group of friends, I would hate for them to be like, oh, she's really, she's trying so hard, you know, type of thing. I almost feel like you just let everyone know, I'm fucking good, man. And then like, let the, let the conversations around the wedding or all the wedding or all the like the side chats being like, look at her go, man. It's like she doesn't even give a shit. You know, again, like that stuff has a way of working around people noticing it.

I would hate for you to like tell all your friends that you're like, you're really hurting on the inside, but you're gonna try your best to fake it and then somehow have people gossip and it kind of gets around to these people. Maybe tell one or two people, but have that internal strength. I kind of feel like this is something you really have to do for yourself. Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't go in saying like, hey guys, I'm heartbroken on the inside. I wouldn't go in saying like, guys, I'm heartbroken on the inside.

Please fake it with me. I think you go in saying like, I'm sure you've spoken with your friends about this breakup and they know what the situation is. So, you know, once it gets close to the date, you say, hey, guys, we're obviously all going to be together. I'm ready to have an amazing time. Let's have a great time. And then, you know. Right. Let it go from there. And then, you know, right. Let it go. So it's not like when I say friends, like I mean, like one or two, like just have like those you're you're close. Yeah. I mean, I don't have like a group of 10 girlfriends.

I if I tell anything to it's like my one or kind of ride or die. Yeah. So that's what I mean by that. Yeah. It's it's like, you're number one, like the person that you would tell everything to they tell everything to maybe you're even talking about other people to that person, you just know that that's your like, number one person, go to that person just to keep you in check, because there may be alcohol in the mix, whatever it is, sometimes that affects our emotions. Just got to stay focused, have a good time. Like I said, take that anxiety, take those fears, turn it into excitement. I'm going to look my best. I'm going to feel my best. This is going to be a great night. Totally. And a couple of just quick things

to finish too. Again, it sounds cliche, but when you say like, well, it's not my day, it's your friend who's getting married, I would in yourself exaggerate that point of view because it's true. Like when we get on our own heads about our own problems, the best thing we can do is like do a selfless act, do things that like are outside of our own bullshit. And so you like take advantage of the fact that you are the maid of honor.

Anytime you're feeling something about your own anxiety, use that energy to like focus on what she needs. And you'll just kind of forget about that. I think that will be really helpful. And then kind of prepare yourself. I'm actually curious when, have you stalked their Instagrams at all? Like have you, or have you taken the approach of, I can't, I don't want to look at what's, what they're doing?

So I had to like unfollow off of Snapchat, Instagram, cause they were like, just like, we were like kind of a big group of friend and they kind of chose his side. Like didn't really talk to like the other girl. And there's like two other girls that just kind of cut me off. And so they just would post like every weekend all together so i just eventually had to get rid of it because it was just like not healthy for my mental state um that's smart i i'm curious what what ria and fran think i think for the purpose of this wedding there can be value in numbing yourself to seeing them in action almost like i'm not saying you should go down the weeds

and stalk them but like if they're gonna be there you're gonna see it right and so sometimes you just have to like rip the bennett off and you know maybe look at some of the shit they're putting out there just to kind of get used to seeing them being them which is annoying and don't get me wrong it's going to sting a little bit but at least it will be you're kind of preparing yourself for seeing them does that make any sense because i like getting a little more comfortable with it yeah because the reason why i asked because i took that approach too which i ultimately think is the healthier approach like if i couldn't handle it i would just avoid it um but for the purposes of this knowing you're going to get in a situation i because i took that extreme in those situations i found myself getting better at moving on from it by being like you know what

i'm not afraid to go to this bar that i'm going to see them i'm going to go there i'm going to fucking man up i'm going to fucking deal with it i'm going to like and so for that purposes i think there could be some small benefit of just like numbing yourself to seeing them together before this wedding date so that you don't go there and be like, I thought I could deal with it, but I can't. I think that could be beneficial. Yeah. And you don't have to go crazy. Obviously, there's so many forms of social media and ways you could be seeing them like you know you don't need to re-follow them you know you don't need to you know get it get into

all of that but if you can find a way to to peek at an instagram they're here an instagram there you know maybe they're on private maybe you can have a friend send you some some screenshots or something so that you don't have to like fully go into uh seeing all that they're doing but where it's on your own time and you can kind of be like all right so this is the kind of stuff that they're posting this is the level that they're at just so you know yeah and it's gonna sting and so i'll be like oh and you just kind of take a breath and like process that because again, that's kind of, you'll get, you'll get numb, you'll get more numb to it. Right. And also just remind yourself that you do not want to be involved with these people

so that when you do see those things, the emotions don't go to, oh, I wish he was still with me. Why is he with her? And I wish he was still friends with me. It's like, it's actually a blessing in disguise that these people did this because, you know, earlier in life, the better if they stuck around, they're going to make your life worse. Now you're getting rid of the trash and your life is only going to become better from it. Yes. I feel like I have kind of moved on from wanting to be with him and being her friend even, but I mean, it still hurts, you know?

Yeah. And it does hurt and don't, don't apologize for it hurting. It's just one of those things. You almost have to just be okay with saying it hurts. Like again, our egos will be like, you know, they'll tell us it's not okay and we will pretend, but it's, you just kind of face it, you acknowledge it. And then you start just accepting it and try to move on.

But I think this can, I think this can be a really great thing for you and kind of be that last hurdle for yourself to accept it and prove to yourself that you're going to be fine. And that, uh, also not that this should make you feel better, but they're not, they're not going to end up together. I promise you almost always in a hundred 100 of these situations where like two toxic people do kind of toxic and shitty things it catches up you know again i'm saying this because it probably it shouldn't make you feel better but your ego wants to hear it but you know it's just one of those things but um i really think this

could be a great thing just prepare yourself make it about your your your friend who's getting married um you know just any if anyone asks how you doing you're fucking great just just eventually you know you won't think you won't feel it but you're like yeah i in that same breakup where i got cheated on when i started like going out people like oh how's it going i'm like fucking great man i was dying on the inside but eventually i actually started feeling great and uh you know um i didn't have a few months yeah you might be feeling great that's true yeah you know but uh yeah this is gonna be a great this is gonna be a great day for you and really i really i really think it can be yes thank you guys i appreciate it so much i'm already

feeling better love just feeling hyped up about it so thank you so much. How's it going? Hi, I'm Jessica. I'm 21. Hi, Jessica. How can we help? Hi. Okay. So my boyfriend and I have been together a little bit over a year now, and he's going to graduate college in May of next year. I just graduated. And when he graduates, we've talked about the possibility of living together when he graduates because he wanted to move to my city anyway. He lives a couple of cities over. But I was raised in a really like religious household and really religious. Like I'm Christian, waiting till marriage, but I still sleep over at his house. We do other stuff, you know, things like that.

But my mom is really against living together before you're married. But both me and my boyfriend are like products of divorce. And we've both seen a lot of like issues that people can have if they wait until marriage to move in together. And we'll also only be 22 and 23 when he graduates. And so we're not ready to like get married yet and everything. But we would want to live together before we get married just to make sure that everything's like good and everything um but I

was just kind of my question is is it worth it to live together before you're married like is it worth all of the issues that it might cause with my family and how would I bring that up to my mother that it's okay to live together before marriage because I don't know just because she wants me to remain celibate that's the only reason that she wouldn't want me to so wait so she doesn't necessarily have a problem with you guys living together but she's just assuming there's no way you're gonna remain celibate if you guys live together yes and she's really obsessed with my celibacy and i've talked to her about it like it's my body my choice and everything but it's just that's like one of her biggest like deal breakers she really doesn't want that to happen and it's just i have a really good relationship with my mom but

i can't really talk to her about that kind of thing. Gotcha. Okay. I'm actually curious what, I mean, I have certainly my point of view on this, but I'm curious what Fran and Rhea have to say. Yeah, I'm curious too. Well, I live with my boyfriend, so I feel like I can chime in a little bit. I'm 22 now. I started living with him when I was 21 or maybe when I was even now I was 21. Um, yeah, I'm, I'm, it's, it's all a blur for me, my ages. Um, but I, and I also do come from like

a religious family, not to that extent at all. Like my mom knows that I have sex and is okay with it. But I have dealt with like other family members that I know and cousins and whatnot talking about the same thing and their parents freaking out about them moving out because, you know, the dad or the mom can't really come with terms of the fact that they're having sex or whatever it is. And I think that the best approach that I have taken or have seen other people take in my family is just doing what makes you happy and what you want to do. Because at the end of the day, like you said, it is your body is your choice. And also at the end of the day, it's your family. They're not going to stop talking to you forever. They're not going to, you know, excommunicate you from the family just because of one thing like that.

I feel like, you know, there's the initial get angry period, get mad, fight with you, say they're going to do all these things. Oh, we're never speaking to you again if you do this. But then when you stick with what you want to do, they have to come to the terms of, all right, they're going to do this. We have no control over it. Yes, it doesn't make us happy, but there's nothing we can do. She's over 18. She's an adult. It's her choice. And you can't really stick with the idea that they're going to be mad at you and not talk to you or whatever it is, because then you're never going to do it. You're never, you're never going to do what you want to do. You're always going to do what your family tells you to do. Just try to remind yourself that you are family

and family isn't just going to stop talking to you over one thing like that. Yeah. You, you can also have the conversation of, I mean, I'm definitely with, with Rhea on, I think you, I think living together in a relationship before taking that next step is, is smart. And when you frame it to your parents or your mom, um, who clearly, you know, I would assume would want you to get married and, and, and that would be it. Um, it's kind of like, look, I need to go through this. I need this test. Because if he's not the one, would you rather I get married right now and then end up divorced? Yeah.

Because it's like you're going through this test run. Also, if you say you have a good relationship with your mom, maybe you sit down and you say, look, mom, I, we have this kind of relationship. We're supposed to trust, trust each other. I'm telling you right now that my, um, you know, I still feel confident in saving myself for marriage. That is all I can give to you is that I'm telling you right now that that is my plan. If I move in with my boyfriend or like, that is still going to be my plan. And she just is going to have like, she's going to have to believe you. Like it's, it's like you, there's really no other way for you, for you guys to keep that trust. She has to trust that you're telling her the truth and that

you're going to continue on this path. And, um, and then you just have to make that decision for yourself. Yeah. And it's easier to move out of an apartment than to get a divorce. So you would rather do that. And you asked, is it worth it to do it before marriage? Obviously, I'm not married. I've never been married. Same thing with Fran. But I do think it's a great way to really know each other at your best and your worst. Otherwise, you know, when that person goes home or you go home, you're doing things that you don't, you know, nothing about them really. At that point, you're like, they could be living a separate life. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. She's like literally said that she'd rather me like get engaged at this age with, we've just been dating like a year then move in with him or like have sex before marriage. And I'm like, why? Like, you'd rather me get a divorce then to like slip up a little bit. Like, I don't think it, I don't know. It's just difficult. Listen, it's tough. I, uh, in a lot of ways I agree with everything Fran and Rhea said. I'm just going to offer some alternative perspective in terms of, I totally agree with them in terms of, I think there's like two separate things going on here. There's a decision for you to move in with your boyfriend or not.

And then there's this relationship you have with your mother, which obviously is really important to you and you really value. And you're probably, you're obviously very close with your mom. And like you said, you have a great relationship with your mom. On the flip side, there are some things about your relationship with your mom that sounds like might get a little bit messy. Right. And that's not a bad thing, right? You're 21. You're only a few years removed from being a minor, right? So like in terms of like, what I mean by minor in terms of like,

your mom was literally your mom where she would tell you what you could and couldn't do. You're only like three years removed from that. So there's still a ton of influence that she has over you as a mom. And sometimes that it takes longer than others for people to kind of be their own person and kind of that evolution of the parent where they're like telling you what you literally can and can't do to being the person who's like offers you advice and they're kind of a mentor, but you are your own person and they become more of your friend

in a sense because you are an adult now. I grew up in a very religious house as well. And there's definitely a lot of internal guilt that we sometimes feel if we're going to disappoint our parents. And we weirdly equate that to like, if we're disappointing our parents, we must be disappointing God and like shit like that. I think it's really important for you to stand up for what you believe at the risk of frustrating your mom. Your mom clearly likes the idea of things, this idea that you should be willing to get engaged for appearances, regardless of whether you really are ready to get married because that's the way it looks better or somehow God will be less frustrated with you. I mean,

it's just my opinion, but I think that's just all nonsense. And so, yeah, I think this is a good opportunity for you and your mom to kind of advance, take your almost your relation with your mom to the next step. And that is having a more mutual relationship where she's not just your mom anymore who tells you what you can and can't do and makes you feel guilty about some of the choices that you want to make as an adult. And it kind of comes with standing up for what you believe in and kind of like having that conviction because I've said this before, like parents, they know they can get to us. And when they do, they let us know because if I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed. And so you kind of have to let her know

that this is going to be your decision. On the flip side, in terms of moving with you and your boyfriend, I don't think there's anything wrong with moving in. Sometimes I'll say things like, just don't play house. Moving in can be a great way of figuring out whether you like living with each other or how you like spending time with each other. But sometimes we can rush it. There's not a

right and wrong answer, I guess is my point. It just depends on what you want. Don't move in because it's more convenient. Don't move in because you can save money. Those, I think, mistakes people make because they sometimes can move things too quickly because they think it's convenient and they tell themselves, well, this is how we want to figure out of whether we like because they sometimes can move things too quickly because they think it's convenient. And they tell themselves, well, this is how we want to figure out of whether we like each other. But at the end of the day, it comes down to like,

you know, he's moving a new city and he doesn't know anyone. And that's probably scary. And it's way easier to like want to move in with you because you're the one person he knows. And I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but that the relation could potentially not be ready for that.

You know, the fact that you are where you're at in terms of like, you know, your mom wants you to like settle down before you lose your virginity and maybe you are excited about like finally having sex. Like, do you want to rush this relationship because of this pressure you're feeling from your mom? So there's a lot of things that you have to balance out. So I don't think you have to move in with someone to figure out

whether you're compatible in a marriage. I do think that's a mistake people make. I think it can help. I don't think it's a requirement, if that makes sense. It can be something that hurts relationships. Sometimes you have to you have to like take things slow and get to know someone. And all of a sudden you move in with someone, there's a heightened sense of expectation. Sometimes when we're like, I remember a mistake I made

when I moved in with my girlfriend when I was younger. It's just like, we thought we had to spend all our time together. We lived together and we didn't know how to have things on our own and our own hobbies. And, you know, it was like, we had to figure out what shows we both like to watch together. We lived together and we didn't know how to have things on our own and our own hobbies. And, you know, it was like, we had to figure out what shows we both like to watch because, you know, the, you know, like, why are you watching this? And what am I supposed to do? Kind of thing, you know, and sometimes that can create fights. So there's this, I mean,

I'm just pointing out kind of landmines that you want to be mindful of um it can be positive and negative uh you just got to make sure not to sound you're doing it for the right reasons the right intentions and not saying you're doing it but what you're really doing it for is for this other reason and that can that can create friction and fights in a relationship yeah it's so funny because i did live on my own in college for four years and i was like i could have been doing anything and you wouldn't i just think there's a lot there's like you're kind of at this crossroad where you you have your you love your mom you're close with her and you feel like you're starting to have to hide too much from her and if and and that would bother anyone especially no matter who you're close with and you and you value honesty and open

communication and all of a sudden you feel like you're like hiding things from people because you don't want to upset them. That that's a lot of, that can weigh, that can weigh a lot on our hearts, you know, and you don't, you're best to just face it and have your mom get used to dealing with you,

not doing everything she wants. And then like, like Fran and Ria said, just having accepted for who you are. I think that will pay off a lot in the long run yeah definitely seeing like she and my stepdad got married and they moved in together after they got married and like it kind of fell apart a little bit i mean they're they're still together and everything but it changed a lot when they moved in together and

my boyfriend's seen the same with his dad and his stepmom and so we're both like really scared to not move in together first which may not be a good reason to move in together before just out of fear but we've both seen it through our parents not really work out too well and that's kind of where we're at yeah I mean listen there's and it doesn't have to happen right away yeah yeah like it you know like what um nick was saying you know if he you have time he has not graduated yet you can you have you know a few months to figure it out and then if you get to that point and say you know what let's wait one more year let's maybe you find your own spot maybe i see where i am we'll make sure that this is a good idea um you know ria said she lives with her boyfriend you know i've been i've been dating my boyfriend for a little over three years and we don't live

together um and we've like the opportunities have definitely come up where we're like oh you know we spend so much time at each other's apartments and we would save money and this that and then at the end of the day it's like that's really, that's not really a great enough reason. So it definitely, I want to just for you to know, like, just because you're now merging into the same city does not mean you have to make that step and actually live together. You can do it separate. I, you know, I think you should, I personally would want to live with my boyfriend before we take that marriage step, but that could be five, 10, who knows how many years from where, from where you are right now. But also I would like to add like, yes, don't do

it just for those reasons. But also if you want to do it, then do it. Because I also have the same people saying same stuff to me, like, Oh, make sure you're not doing it for this reason, that reason. I'm like, I'm not. Like, I genuinely want to live with him. We both know we have separate lives. I do my thing. He does his thing. We don't really ever fight about what's going on in the apartment.

Like, sometimes it really does just work. in the apartment, like sometimes it really does just work. So also, you know, if you, if you truly in your heart and you'll know, like you'll know in the back of your mind, whether you're doing this because it's convenient or whether you're doing it because you actually want to. And if it's because you actually want to, then I would say follow your heart. And, um, for your mom's sake, I think that realizing that you can disagree with your parents is one of the greatest things that somebody can realize. And it's something that I realized in my recent years and just because I was the first person to move out of my house and I'm the youngest in the family. So it was kind of confusing for them to deal with that situation. But I disagree with them

so much, but we still have a strong relationship and we still love each other. But realizing that I can have my own opinions and have my own thoughts and that they're not necessarily going to agree with it is a great feeling for yourself. Like you are just going to feel so free once you realize my parents are not the end all be all of opinions and matters of life. Like just because they think something doesn't mean I need to think it. And just because I used to think, oh, you know, if my parents agree with me, then I'm totally cool. Like everything's all good until I realized that I didn't agree with a lot of shit my parents say. And I was like, wait a second. No, that's

actually if they're disagreeing with me, I probably doing something right like it's it's a really beautiful thing once you realize it and it becomes freeing yeah especially when you can keep that strong relationship as well as disagreeing with each other i i totally agree with ria uh it's this like weird thing that i mean i have like 10 siblings so it's kind of different from my family but my parents have learned a lot from their kids as their kids have become adults. And one thing I've been most thankful of my parents is their willingness to do that. But parents have, you know, a lot of parents figure it out as they go when they start having kids. How to be a parent is something, you know, everyone's learning how to do. And letting your kid be their own person, I think is a lesson all parents struggle with at times,

kind of like with Rhea. And it's a really empowering feeling. And again, it could be a really opportunity for your mom and for your relationship with your mom. But you have to be the one who takes charge. Your mom's never gonna kind of let go of that stranglehold she has in the relationship until she realizes that she has to let it go

because you don't give her an option. Because kind of Rhea's point, she loves you. You're her daughter. She's just used to being able to affect your mood by letting you know that she doesn't agree with some of your decisions. And you have to put a stop to that. I think a lot of parents are guilty of that. I mean, it's just something, you know, it's just the relationship she's had with you for so long.

All right. Yeah. All right. Well, thanks so much. I appreciate it. Thank you. All right.

Take care. Well, ladies, thanks for helping. This has been fun. I feel like we've solved a lot of problems and got some fun, relatable stories. Where can people find you if they want to continue to follow your lady's successful careers?

Well, our podcast is Chicks in the Office. Our Instagram is Chicks in the Office. Our Snapchat show every single day on Snapchat is called The Group Chat. So subscribe to that. And my personal Instagram is Maria Chiffo. That's C I U F F O. I feel like people don't know how to spell that. And Twitter Barstool Ria. Yep. I'm at Francesca Mariano on Instagram and Barstool Fran on Twitter. And like Ria said,

for other stuff, chicks in the office, you know where to find us. Well, ladies, thanks for coming on. It's been fun and they they are just uh they're fun follows i gotta say always entertaining stuff sometimes ria and i fight

on twitter nick i have to say you're a great follow you bring me much enjoyment to my life on sundays when i am clicking through questions with nick and I just like, it's a little mixture of making fun of you and agreeing with you at the same time. Like I really enjoy it. Well, I'm just here for you. Until next time. Thanks for listening guys and have a great day.