The Viall Files - E162 Ask Nick - It’s Not a Relationship Without Expectations

Episode Date: August 10, 2020

On this episode of Ask Nick we cover a bunch of different topics. We start with a woman who wants the person she is dating to define their relationship and realizes that her insecurities are just a fear of rejection. Revenge is on the mind for our next caller after feeling racially oppressed by her previous relationship and is trying to find the most productive way to use the energy she has to find resolution. Then we speak with someone who is in a loving long-term relationship but is at a crossroads because she wants to have children in the future and her partner does not. Finally, a recently divorced mom of two goes on her first date and has a connection, but is disappointed when the relationship abruptly fizzles out.  Thank you for sending in your questions! We love hearing from you. Send your relationship questions to [e-mail] and, as always, make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode.  “Have a bad date; tell your friends about it.” THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: BEST FIENDS: https://bestfiends.com/ EMBARK: embarkvet.com CODE: VIALL to get $50 off your Dog Breed and Health kit. Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what is going on everybody happy monday to you all that's a good one thanks yeah um just trying out some different versions of me um great episode today uh loved our callers the variety um such good topics today i enjoyed my answers even better um yeah it was great great variety of topics um we'll just get right into it uh just a couple reminder uh i don't know if you've heard there's this amazing tell all in an audio format me talking to a bunch of my exes from season 21 the bachelor um people are absolutely loving it so good to hear about it it's on my patreon yes it's not free it's ad free but it's like the price

of a delicious cup of coffee i guarantee you've wasted money on on other things and uh i paid more for my latte today i'm sure you can cancel at any time you're not going to want to it's amazing you won't regret it i promise you um so check it out uh the links in my on my instagram or on my patreon search nick or go on my twitter you'll find it uh if you want to if you're looking for it and check it out, uh, Raven, Corinne, Angela, Alexis waters out now, Taylor's coming out. It might be up by now, by the time you're listening to this, if you stick around next month, Vanessa Grimaldi, Rachel, Jasmine, Daniel Maltby, and a mystery one. It's going to be awesome. It's all the things you've ever wondered and some great conversations. So check us out.

Check it out. It's a lot of fun. Send your questions at asknickatcastme.com. Cast with a K. Always need your questions. You're the heartblood of our episode. And as you guys know, I love this Ask Nick episode that we have on Mondays and I love that you guys are listening. So I just want to say thank you. And if you guys know, I love this ethnic episode that we have on Mondays

and I love that you guys are listening so I just want to say thank you and if you love it, we would love you to, you know, give us five stars on iTunes.

I'm just going to pander for your compliments. Other than that, make sure to check us out on Wednesday with Pastor Miles. Yeah. Pastor Miles,

I found, I was watching TV, I saw him give some interviews. He's our guest on Wednesday great guy with a great story a man of God who has some very interesting perspectives on things going on in our country right now

son of a police officer father of a police officer is a black man who started a church and was in the NFL and got in some trouble early on in life,

found an interesting path to where he is now as a pastor. Has a great new book out and just talks about kind of how we can try to come together as a community and bridging gaps. And I like bridging gaps. And I was really moved by some of the things that he shared and I invited him on. And he was kind enough to join. I think you guys will really enjoy it.

So check us out on Wednesday. And if we have a Bachelor episode tomorrow, check that out too. Other than that, let's get to these callers how's it going oh it's good how are Good. What's your name? My name is Tony. I am almost 32 and I live in Brooklyn. Happy birthday. How can I help Tony? Oh, thank you. Thank you. So I feel like a bunch of other people have been semi-dating during Corona. I started dating this guy, met him on Bumble, like the middle of January. It started out pretty slow.

I feel like I was the one kind of initiating it more, which was a little shocking because not to sound like an a-hole, but I think I was a little bit out of his league. So that was shocking, but we kept it going. And then finally, when Corona hit and we had to lock down, I saw him one last time and I was just like, okay, this is it. Like, I'm going to let it slowly fade out. I stopped texting him and he started increasing the text messages and we quarantined for like a solid month, didn't see each other. And then finally we both felt safe enough to hang out.

We started hanging out every two weeks and then it turned into every week. And now we're up to two to three times a week. And it's always a sleepover. He always comes to see me. I live in Brooklyn. He lives in Manhattan, which is kind because I'm terrified to take the subway. But we just haven't had the talk yet. And I blatantly asked him, I said, you know, have you been with anyone since quarantine? And he said, no, I haven't even made out with anyone since our first day.

So it's just a little nebulous relationship. And I'm just wondering, I mean, from a man's perspective, like what the deal is. He's bought me flowers. He buys me dinner. He compliments me. How old is he? We talked about taking a trip together. He will be, excuse me, 31 in October. Okay.

And what's his dating history? He dated a girl long distance for almost a year. I creeped on her. So I have a little bit of background information. Okay. Well, as girls do. And this is the guy who you felt compelled to throw in there that you're a little bit out of his league yeah yeah i was lonely i had gone like a full year without dating anybody he was the first guy i went on a date with when i moved back to new york but what's interesting when i listen to you talk it sounds like you really are maintaining that you're out of his league like you want people to know or you want yourself to know or what why are you insisting on this storyline it's an ego thing for me personally yeah why why it's like we're in the middle of quarantine i know he's not seeing anyone else like why not

so you're saying like you're out of his league so he should be like what i'm just just curious what you mean by you think he's are you basing this off looks what are you basing this on it's a personality thing too we're very different like our similarities are different we really don't have that much in common okay that's not so much yeah it's not so much a look thing i mean i swiped on him for a reason. I definitely find him cute. I think he needs a haircut, but I know it's hard. You know who she reminds me of talking to her? Morgan Stewart.

Oh, yeah. I can see that. Thank you. But when you say, I'm kind of out of his league, what do you think about as to why? He's a little sloppy. I hate saying it. He's just a little bit sloppy and rough around the edges. And I don't think he realizes the potential that he has.

As a human being? I feel like that's kind of more what I mean. Okay. Yeah, in the looks department. He needs a haircut. He really does. And I think he's just kind of more what I mean. Okay. Yeah, in the looks department. Like, he needs a haircut. He really does. And I think he's just kind of afraid because we're in a pandemic. I know he shall.

I'm a big believer in this league that you refer to is non-existent. And it's just perspective, you know? Status. it's just, um, perspective, you know, um, status. I mean, what is status anymore? And you're like, you know, what's he do for a living? Do you care? I mean, I don't know. Like you, you strike me as someone who does care a little bit about some of the maybe superficial. I mean, yes and no. I, he has his own business business he just started it early when we were dating so I kind of attributed to the that to being why he wasn't so excited and gung-ho about dating because

he was literally just starting his business do you like him you want to be in a relationship with him I don't know so much as a relationship, but I would love for him to care. You want to care to ask when you, Oh God, you want to define the relationship that you're not even sure you want to be in. Yeah. I mean, listen, thanks for being honest, but that's the thing. It's just like, figure out what you want first before you have expectations about him saying what he wants. Because you're running.

I just want a male perspective on like all of these things. We were talking about taking a trip together. He's taking care of me when I've been sick. He always compliments me. All nice things, right? It's great. A nice guy. Great to have that i'm just not sure

whether you like him or your ego is telling you know there's something about him that you feel that he's out of your league and he's holding out just enough to like fuck with your ego and have you say uh hey girl uh uh he doesn't make you feel like a queen that and you're a queen and you need to you need to feel like you're in total control so what the fuck and you're just like yeah you're right so like i want him to define the relationship but like honestly i don't know if i want to marry him i mean you're just kind of playing games with yourself i can't i honestly after talking you don't know you know there's part of me thinks you really like them and there's a part of me that thinks you really don't i don't know um oh i mean i'm super torn it started out it's just casual fun

i'll date him while i date around and then this whole thing happened and he just kind of started to grow on me i never thought i mean we're like seven months in that that's great and that's great that you want expectations but may be vulnerable a little bit like you you seem to not be interested in being vulnerable like you're like you're trying like i want to i want to define the relationship but like if you don't like me and then fuck him like i don't i'm not gonna let him i'm not gonna be sad about him. Cause like, I mean, let's be honest, I'm out of his league, you know, like fuck, you know, it's just, it sounds exhausting. It is exhausting, but I mean, it's fun. I mean, we're in hard times. I mean, I'm getting older to date.

Just say to yourself that you like him and you'll be a little hurt if he doesn't like you back. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. I mean, I know he was, there was a point in time when he was still swiping on the apps that were hanging out and I would see his phone and I would see notifications come down. And one day I very slyly let him see mine and I let him see that mine had built up. And then after that, I mean, he deleted his.

I was in a situation I get it. I was in a situation where I was talking to someone and I really liked this person. I felt like they really liked me, but we didn't have a lot of face-to-face time in person.

And so I was like, you're cool and I really like you. And I, and I, I am at the point in my life, I probably take things too slow, you know, and I could probably speed things up a little bit. But how they went about it really bothered me in terms of, it was a kind of a, it was a passive aggressive approach to like trying to get me to want to define the relationship because they didn't want to ask me to define the relationship and i was just like well wait you're the one who wants i'm fine with this pace and i'm fine if you that you're not fine but like

just fucking ass it turned into be this kind of it turned into like them doing things that unbothered me and then i was like why are you doing this you know and you get what i'm saying there was a little game playing and ultimately i think it just found out that maybe weren't as compatible as we might have hoped to be and that's fine i guess what i'm saying is you've been dating long enough that you're not like crazy to want to get some uh some clarity to define the relationship uh what would you be satisfied with uh him saying hey i don't know if i want to put a label on it but like it's nice to know you haven't hooked up with anyone else but i'd kind of like to know that i can just not have to ask anymore that like we're we're we're going to be monogamous i don't know

if you you don't have to call me your girlfriend i just want to know that like we're we're not we're not swiping we're not on the apps we're not hooking up with other people you know just ask for clarity yeah just how long is too long i mean so that i i don't say a lot i've had one yeah and are you okay with him not doing it first? Does he have to come to you and say, baby, I want you to be my girl? You know? And I don't know. I'm in love with you and I just, I can't live without you.

I guess that would be nice. And I'm sure every girl wants that. I get it. But we live in a time where like, you know, guys are, like to drag their feet. We like to, I mean, listen, if you're not going to make us define anything, then we're not going to. I think you just want some clarity. I think you have to be willing to put yourself out there. You have to be willing to be vulnerable.

You might have to, you might not be used to that. If you want to get a haircut, tell me you got a fucking haircut. You know. I really do. You know, give your, you know, just be like, listen, you want to get a haircut tell me how to fucking haircut you know really do you know give your you know just be like listen i want to be your girlfriend so i can nag at you and get you to get haircuts a little bit i don't know if you guys have that type of relationship where you can tease each other but like but also like our hair salon's closed i don't know cut his hair i don't know i i just use a i started cutting my own hair and it seemed to work out, but, um, but, uh, yeah, you got yourself in a classic situation where you felt like at first and you were like, I don't know if I like him, but he seems nice. And then, but you kind of felt like this out of his league that maybe you weren't, you weren't blown away by him early on.

So what? And now he's just like he seems gotten really comfortable and really secure with your situation and you're feeling like inside being like why aren't you why am i worried about our our status more than you and and now that bothers you yeah yeah it does it really does it's like if you're not dating anyone and you really do like me it's like why not even just bring it up gauge the subject why don't you i i mean i've flat out asked him if he's seen anyone i've like joked around with him but i never want to that's not asking nag okay ask him if he's seen anyone else and saying hey we've been hanging out for seven weeks uh seven months seven months i'd like you know can we can we define this thing people always like i love

how do you ask how to define the relationship just ask just say that i wanted no one likes what just no one likes rejection it's hard like're having fun. I don't want to ruin it. I get that. Brain games are the absolute best, especially when you can play them offline. Best Fiends is what I'm talking about. Playing it nonstop, I'm not as good as I want to be. Chrissy is obsessed with this game. I am. So much that I think...

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So visit EmbarkVet.com and use promo code V I A L L to get $50 off today. EmbarkVet.com and use promo code V I A L L. Do you, could you marry this guy? I didn't say, could you, do you see potential there? I mean, I definitely see potential for something. It's a slow burn. And my friends always tell me, don't judge a book by its cover.

Give it time, give it time. And he's the first guy that I've really let, I've given him time. There's something inside you that's telling you, hey, what we're doing is played out. Like we need some expectations. Relationships change when you introduce an expectation. It really does.

It's easier to like hang out with someone casually, even if it's one or two times a week, have sex. And even early on, you're like, you don't really talk about whether you're hooking up with other people and you accept that maybe they are. But again, there's just no expectations. And then, but once expectations are like

inserted into a relationship, it can drastically change things. Like people can, all of a sudden, they are but again there's just no expectations and then but once expectations are like inserted into a relationship it can drastically change things like people can all of a sudden like you're my girlfriend you're my boyfriend and they might act differently so you you at some point you need to insert expectations into this relationship to see if he really is a guy uh in that you can and the only way to do that is to put yourself out there. I think we can agree. I think we've come to an agreement that what you've done up until this point has run its course. And so you can either out of fear of boredom and for fear of rejection, just keep going along with what you're doing, but not really get anywhere.

Because if you don't do anything, there's a good chance for the next four or five months you'll have no real progress in the relationship you'll get no real answers you'll have no more clarity than you do today and whether he could be your guy because there's no expectations and expectations in any relationship are a big deal um yeah you know people change how they communicate when they have expectations of one another. When the word, when the feeling like, I don't know if I can do that because that might upset someone. When that's a thought, it changes how you go about things. And that's a big deal. You should, in happy relationships, you want to give that up for someone you love and care about. In relationships you don't, you're like, I don't know if I want to give that up. But right now, there's no expectations. My advice to you though, though when you do it if you do put your out

there don't be passive aggressive don't like yeah don't do things to get him to want to say it because at the end of the day you're you know he's still not doing it on his own you're just trying to make yourself feel better because you don't want to bring it up so just fucking be direct i mean you know i think he'll appreciate you saying like hey i don't know it's kind of on its course i just i want to like i'd like to know yeah yeah should i hold out and wait and see if he gets me a birthday gift i'm kidding when's your birth when's your birthday uh september 2nd it's like legit a month out but he put it on his calendar like he showed me his calendar like my birthday is in his phone listen just you want some movement in this relationship so make some moves yeah and you know if you're a

empowered woman who believes in progress then this whole idea of well i want him to do it like fuck that you know you're an equal part in this relationship and so this is what you want so put it out there and see what he says. Yeah. Yeah, I know. I will. You're right. It's just been too long. And I don't, I'm not like a share. I don't really talk to my friends about these things. So I appreciate you taking the time. All right. Well, best of luck. Happy birthday. Oh, thank you so much. Thank you. Stay safe, guys. How's it going?

Great. This is Kelly. I am 29. Hi, bye-bye. How's it going? Great. This is Kelly. I am 29. Hi, Kelly, 29. Hi. How are you? I'm pretty good. How can I help? Yes.

So I have a question about revenge. Okay. So just to preface, I grew up in the South. I had a pretty conservative, patriotic Christian upbringing. And even when I moved to New York for college and then for my first job, I kind of carried that with me. And in that time, at the start of my career, I started dating a cop and we were together for three years. And in that time, I tolerated a lot from him and his family. Um, and I didn't realize I had tolerated a lot until recently, actually. Um, we broke up last year. He broke

up with me because our, at the time it was like our life plans didn't align, which was like fine and it was manageable. And, and I wouldn't say it was amicable, but like we, you know, And I wouldn't say it was amicable, but like we, you know, our families had been pretty symbiotic. So we were talking on and off up until the recent iteration or emergence of Black Lives Matter. So like in quarantine, I was getting educated and about racial inequality and about police brutality. And that's kind of when I realized that I had tolerated a heck of a lot from him and his family. And they had used racist, they had called me racist names. They would commit like microaggressors. They would, you know, defend a police officer's right to brutality, stuff like that.

And once that started emerging, once I started really learning, I felt like all the situations that I hadn't confronted in that relationship were reemerging. And I felt like I was having to go through a breakup all over again. And i've i i've cut contact with them and stuff like that but i've i've learned that they're still posting these types of things their thinking hasn't really changed but now that i am an ally now that i am an advocate now that i am using my voice more and more to speak out about the racism I endured from them, but also in my life. I like, I want revenge. I want to call them out on their shit, but I don't know how to do that. I don't know a productive way to do that. I don't know if it's worth doing that. So I wanted to get your thoughts on that. Well, it's good that you can recognize your motive and your motive is revenge.

A lot of people, when they do things, will convince themselves it's something else. Righteousness and doing the right thing and being an ally is a great thing. Right. Um, but you recognize that from your personal motives, you have, you feel probably a lot of anger or hurt, uh, maybe even that anger and hurt, or it's almost sounds like you feel anger and hurt towards yourself because you seem to, if I'm hearing you right right become aware of what they were it's like it's almost as if you're at a party and people are laughing and you leave the party and realize they were laughing at you and not with you you know and you're kind of like and you're mad you know because you you didn't realize and you feel like the butt of the joke. Is that the feeling you're describing?

Totally. And I mean, I also like there's that level of guilt where like I felt like I knew what they were saying was wrong. I didn't say anything. Sure. And now I want to say something, but sometimes it feels like I'm too late to the party. I can almost assure you that if you proceed with a mindset of revenge,

you're not going to get the satisfaction you desire. Now, this experience that you felt, I'm also confident you can do something positive with it. And that positive thing is, again again becoming more of an ally it's always how you go you know you you learn from the past for you so you can be better in the future right and sometimes we have to learn tough lessons from people we don't want to learn them from so that we can be better in the future um but you you're at this crossroad if you and then you have we all have a certain amount of energy to give to the world to ourselves so your energy isn't infinite so you can use this

energy towards this idea of revenge and try to call them out and get people to be like yeah you were wrong and see these people they're racist or they're bigots and etc you know and you right but as i'm sure you've noticed in the world listen some people are going to want to believe what they want to believe and there's going to be people willing to defend them you know and i think this idea of being an ally and and educating not only yourself and other people around you is going to be more productive if you do it in a way that comes from your heart that's not based off of revenge you may never like listen you're not you've you're probably not going to change their mind you know but you know you get people to go along, you get people to open

up a lot more with love and compassion, even when they're not giving you that energy back, you know, and it's hard. It can be hard. But if your goal really is to be helpful, not only to yourself and your community and to other people. I think your energy can be best served rather than getting revenge on, on people who hurt your feelings and made you feel, um, inadequate or laughed at or whatever. And I, and I, like that sucks that you experienced that. And I, I'm sorry you had to feel that, but, um, I think it's a dangerous road to go down to if your only goal is to get back at them. Right.

Yeah, I can see that. me is that like i think a lot of people including you and um are are trying their best to be good allies um and and bring awareness to these issues but they just continue to post the same things they get to have the same ideas they like almost feels like they're getting away with like hurting me the way that they did so i get that you feel that way um but that's what they believe whether whether you think it's right or wrong or whether i think it's right or wrong um we have a device of time you know there's also like you know i mean just i guess there's freedom of speech you know whether I like what people say, whether I agree with it, I do like that we live in a country that allows people to express

their views. I don't think, you know, hate and, you know, there's obviously a limit to stuff like that, but you, I just think your energy can be more productive, not only for yourself, but for what you're actually trying to accomplish than focusing on them. I'm certain of that. And maybe someday, not in the near future, someday you might post something or say something and they follow you and you might change one of their minds, you know, but I think you have to look for the small victories. I think you have to just try to, um, have a more positive approach, which I know can be hard, but I just feel like you're going to get more angry and more mad and less productive if you focus on specifically this family and your

ex and getting revenge. You know, I don't, it just might create, you know, you talked about, well, I felt like I had to go through a breakup all over again. Well, if you focus on revenge, that feeling you felt, you're going to risk extending that feeling. It can consume you. you're going to risk extending that feeling. It can consume you. I mean, literally, you could be a year from now still feeling anger towards this family. Do you want to feel that? No, I really don't.

Give yourself permission to move on, reflect back in the past year, and think about great conversations you've had with people who had more of an open mind and open heart. People who are willing to recognize that mind and open heart. People who, you know, are willing to recognize that, listen, I, you know, I love my upbringing and I have some competitive point of views and I am okay with that. But I also recognize that I might be ignorant in some things and I'm just open to learning more. And I'm curious if you want to sit down and have a

conversation. Your time might be best served having a conversation with that person. Again, closure does come from within. All right. But use that energy in a way that you think can be productive that's the best like yeah that's i can say i know it doesn't take away anything they did or how you feel but i think it's good that you recognize that it's revenge yeah because yeah and i i guess there's no like productive way to like really get revenge if it is coming from a place of hate or anger yeah and like you said i mean you they feel like they're getting away with it i mean you know the topics you're talking about there's plenty of people who are going to agree with them yeah i know it can be frustrating but yeah it is try to focus on the things that you can do to help create some change you know okay

right all right so like when when making donations in their honor account is that channeling yeah i think that's probably unproductive okay i i think for your own mental well-being and your energy you got to try to let this go and things that you do because you've learned like you're channeling it in a like the thing you know spite or revenge it's just it brings you down you're gonna bring yourself down with them right right it just doesn't doesn't usually feel good i don't know what to tell you i mean there might be people who disagree with me, but I just, usually, I guess what I'm saying in those situations, so much, whether again, this topic or being cheated on or whatever, when we think of revenge, we have this idea, we're going to do this thing and it's going to affect these people a certain way and I'm going to feel good. And the

truth is, it's not going to affect, most of the time it doesn't affect the way you hope and then you're going to experience more disappointment because you didn't get the reaction that you wanted right yeah right so it's just best to let it go now yeah again don't forget learn from it use these experiences don't ignore it but channel that energy in a way that you think could be more productive for yourself and for your community. Okay. All right. And I'm sorry they hurt you and I'm sorry you had to go through that. But we can, we can try to use these experiences to better ourselves. Yeah. All right. Sounds great. All right. Best of luck. Take care. Thank you. All right. Bye-bye. How's it going? Hi, Nick. My name is Christina and I'm 29 years old.

Hi, Christina. How can I help? Yeah. So my boyfriend and I have been together for five years and we live together. We have cars and dogs and shared bank accounts. So even though we're not married, we live a married lifestyle. And everything has been really great for us in these five years. We have a really great relationship.

There's great trust and communication, everything. But recently, in the past month or so we've come to the realization that we have a bit of a fundamental difference um in the way that we see our future namely that i want children and he does not okay um and you know it's not like this conversation has never come up before, but there was always this understanding that I wasn't sure if I did. I went back and forth. And even though he always leaned towards that, he probably didn't. He always hoped that by the time I, if and when I decided that I was ready, he would be ready as well okay um and he just turned 30 last month and i just turned 29 like on friday so you know we're still young um and i think the only reason it's coming up

now is uh because i my father is 72 and he uh is starting to maybe show some signs of memory issues. And so it's making me feel, it's had me come to the conclusion that I do want children. And that I believe that, I thought that I was ready to start soon. And because of that, it's really put us on us on we're just not we're not sure what to do now um yeah and then we decided that we're gonna see a therapist uh we're gonna give it about three months in therapy to see if if he might come around but i don't have a lot of hope that in three months he's gonna magically decide he wants children well it's interesting that you say that because that's what comes to my mind. Like, hey, I'm an advocate for therapy.

There's really no downside to doing it. But also, like, let's have reasonable expectations of what we're trying to get out of therapy. And I don't know if someone needs therapy because they don't want to have kids. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to have kids. No, and I completely understand that. wrong with not wanting to have kids no and i completely understand that i i think um there might be some like trauma in his past like that makes him think that he has like a negative view on children does he i mean what does it does he give you reasons why he doesn't want to have kids well i mean there's definitely he has said that it's mostly about money and freedom.

But there's just this hope that. Yeah. So, like, do you have any reason to think there's. There is a small reason. Yeah. I mean, without going into detail. Yeah. He has some, something with his grandfather that might.

Well, I can assure you. I can assure you. My guess is nothing's going to be resolved in three months. Yeah. I mean, if you are right about this underlying issue that is real, the main reason why he doesn't want to have kids, like, my guess is it's not, you know. It's not, you know, if he's able to tap, if this therapy session, and again, it sounds like maybe he needs therapy rather than you guys need therapy. If I'm hearing you right, relationship's good. You guys enjoy being around each other. You love each other.

You get along. But this very specific but very real issue is, and yeah, that is the reality. Two people could be madly in love, love spending time together, love being around each other. You want to have kids. He doesn't. And that's a big part of people's lives, specifically you. Are you willing to give up having your own children to be with him? That's a real choice. And you have a right to say no.

And you can also say yes. He has the right to say, I love can also say yes yeah um he has the right to say i love you but i don't want kids and if you do then you need to go find someone who does he has the right to say that too i mean i guess i also wanted to ask you like when at what because he's only 30 right so like at what age did you know that you definitely wanted I've wanted kids my whole life. You did, yeah. But it's not unreasonable that he could change his mind. I just wonder, like, you don't think you will? I don't know this guy. I'm just saying.

Yeah, well, right, yeah. I think you need to take him at his word, right? If you love a guy, then you trust him. Anything's possible. Things can change. You have to make decisions based off the fact that he won't. Right? Because what happens in four years where he's, you know,

would you be able to right now take the risk and hope that it will change? Four years go by. You're 33, 34 years old, and he doesn't change. And would you resent him? Would you wait a little longer? All of a sudden you're 40, you're still with him. And could you be 45, 50 years old,

still like hopefully relatively young in the scheme of your life, you know, and be married to a guy who took that away from you? Like always hoping he would change but he never did and he has the right to be like i told you i didn't right i would be frustrated you like you resent me because i was honest with you you it's like i didn't make you you know so you you got you my only advice to you is you have to make some tough decisions. And I think you do have to make decisions based off the information you have now,

not what you hope will, will change. If you are willing to get rid of this kind of three month, silly timeline and say, all right, you're willing to go to therapy. You're willing to explore. If there's a reason why then i'm willing to stick

around for a while and give it some real time that's not five years that's not three years but like you know yeah if he if there's some real continued progress and some sustained sustained like effort and he and you and you think there's some growth and a year goes by, that's reasonable. But just hoping things change is not a good plan for you. Yeah. And he is seeing, I was going to say, he is seeing the therapist one-on-one. We're both going one-on-one, not together. And the fact that he is making an effort it does give me hope i think i need i do think that i need to not expect an answer right away i think that's good but i don't i do want you to have expectations

and i do want you to make some tough decisions based off of the information you have i'm not saying right now but yeah you know it's just so scary it's so scary to walk away from something that's been so fulfilling and so good yeah but yeah but how unfulfilled will you feel if you're not able to have children i'm sorry i know it's tough i know i i feel like i'm just desperate right now i just want someone to tell me what my future is i get it and it's good that you feel like it's it's it's important to admit your desperation because at least you can be mindful of that. Yeah, I can. I just.

But there's some good, you know, listen, you're going through therapy. He seems open to it. That's a good thing. Let's see where that goes. Give that an opportunity to have some progress. Okay. opportunity to to have some progress but but have have some sort of reasonable timeline and out three months might be a little brisk but yeah i think you're right especially i mean it did even now like saying it it seems like we're not giving enough time even for five years

and everything relationships are about sacrifice to a certain point and kids are a big deal but can you be in love with them at 40 without kids knowing that he was unwilling to make any sacrifice right or at 40 did we have kids and then he resents me so i think you have a better chance of resenting him than him resenting you so you know i don't know this guy but he doesn't want to have kids you have a kid he might he might actually like his kid you know so yeah yeah that's true so uh there is that possibility yeah but uh i uh follow follow your dreams about wanting to have a kid okay all right all right best of luck thank you so much take care all right you too bye how's it going good um i'm sarah i'm 33 years old how are you hi good thanks how can i help yeah, so I am recently divorced. Um, uh, my divorce,

it does feel good. Uh, it was finalized in January. So luckily before, um, COVID hit and, um, I, uh, I have a five-year-old and a one-year-old. Um, kind of a long story, but I left my husband when I was pregnant with my one-year-old. Um, and I have not dated in, I mean, I haven't dated since I left him nearly like, uh, almost two years ago or something. Um, and so recently, like a month or so ago, I decided to get back into it. My baby had turned one and I was ready to date. So I joined a few dating apps. I ended up talking to a few guys.

One of them I ended up talking to a lot. He, we texted nearly every day for, uh, uh, like the different points of the day for probably for a little over two weeks. And we ended up having multiple phone conversations, um, like over three hours long, like late into the night. Um, uh, which is different for me cause I'm not, I'm not usually a long phone talker, but, um, I felt like I really knew this guy and I liked him. And so we agreed to meet up and we both had talked about what we were doing in terms of social distancing and everything. And we kind of felt comfortable enough, like I felt comfortable enough to sort of break my quarantine bubble and meet him and not social distance, not have a social distance date.

I didn't feel like I wanted to or needed to at that point. So we met up and he had actually talked up his backyard and how amazing his backyard was. And he's a single dad as well. And he had outfitted it for his kids and wanted to show me what he had done. And so he went there, we, um, I got there, we talked, um, ended up making out, um, and, and then eventually went into his house and had sex and everything was good and it was fine. And I was glad everything happened. Um, it seemed like he was glad everything happened too. Um, and then, but then, uh, after that, um, I mean, there wasn't too much communication the next day, but then two days afterwards, I met up with him again. I had forgotten my sunglasses at his place. So we met up to get my sunglasses cause I was going on vacation soon. And, um, uh, he was just like really weird and like, wouldn't touch me at all.

He, um, was just talking about his divorce and how complicated his divorce was. And he was really stressed about it and he didn't have time to go through all the documents that he needed to. And, um, I was just like, and just felt super weird the entire interaction. And we like sort of chastely hugged goodbye and I left and I just felt really weird about it and so I texted him and I was like I gather you have a lot going on right now I think I'm gonna like leave you alone and um and he just sent a few texts back and was like I'm really sorry like I just really really want to be friends right now I think that's all the bandwidth I have right now but I really like you and I really like talking to you and, um, well, and I was like, yeah, okay, I'll be friends

with you and talk whenever you'd like about things. And it's nice to have a friend who knows what going through divorce with small kids is like. Um, and then it's just been radio silence and it just kind of sucks because I felt like I found someone who I could talk to about certain things, who really understood what I was going through, and we had a lot in common. And so I've had these moments where I've just been like, well, can I just text him?

No. Yeah. Yeah. Is that your question? All right, goodbye. Basically. How honest do you want me to be here, you know? yeah is that your question all right goodbye basically how long do you want me to be here you know yeah i mean um answer yeah i think i do know the answer it just uh it just kind of sucks to put in that much time

like invest in that much time with someone i lost precious sleep where I don't get a lot of sleep these days with young kids. And I don't know, he made a big deal about like how he didn't like when people ghosted him and blah, blah, blah. And we should totally talk if nothing,

if it doesn't work out. And then he just does the thing that he said he didn't want me to do. And that sucks. And that's annoying and i'm sorry yeah and uh but yeah i mean are you gonna how much energy are you gonna spend trying to hold someone you really don't know all that well accountable for some bullshit he said you know right like what's gonna make you feel better you call him up be like hey remember the thing you said about like wanting not wanting people to ghost and then you did it and he can all he can say is all he can try to defend himself or he can be like yeah i'm sorry uh the reality is

you guys were dating uh the sex happened and that changed the dynamic. He got what he wanted. Now I don't mean like he was just trying to have sex with you. I've used my movie analogy before, you know, it was fine. He just didn't feel, you know, and it's not because he,

maybe it's not that he didn't like having sex. I don't know what he thought. Right. But the reality is, is that once you guys were intimate intimate there's a good bet that he wasn't as excited as he might have hoped to be or wanted to be after you guys hooked up and he was probably then therefore nervous that you might be and then oh he got stressed about the pressure of like what if she really likes me and i don't know like i got still like got my ex-wife and the kids and i don't oh man i don't i get it's a good bet that's kind of what

his thought process was in his head yeah um did he handle it great no but all at the same time like well how long were you talking to him uh two weeks two weeks you don't know this guy he's just a guy you just started dating you you had a lot of connections things in common single dad had kids those are nice has nothing to do with your guys's compatibility it's easy to be misled and mislead yourself about the compatibility because, oh, well, he's got kids and it's like it's the same and we get each other. And I bet, I mean, I don't know. My guess is you have some insecurities about dating, having a one-year-old kid and a five-year-old kid. And will all guys be into that? And this guy, well, he didn't make me feel weird about it.

And he has kids, so he relates. And those are important things, but that doesn't mean they're your person. You just started, you know? Did you leave your husband as pregnant to think that you're just going to find Mr. Right two weeks into dating? I mean, no. It would have been nice, though. It would have been nice. I get that. I understand it's scary.

But just try to look at the experience for what it is. You got a little sex. You got some. Congratulations. The ego's a little bruised. He turned you down, ultimately. It feels like you fell a little misled. He didn't handle it very well.

Your ego, your ego is speaking up here and I get it. You have a right to be upset, you know, but this idea, like what you shouldn't do is, is tell yourself that he was like, oh, well, I just invested a lot of time and I don't get a lot of sleep. Hey, listen, if you want a date, it's going to take some energy, you know, and you're going to have to invest time in people at the risk of things not working out.

You know, you might invest five months into someone to realize they're not your person. You know, there's two weeks. Shit. Congratulations. It only took you two weeks to have find out a guy that wasn't your guy.

That's a win. I'm jealous. Yeah. You know, and you still got, and you still got some sex out of it. That's true. I mean, I think I'm just, I mean, I'm not used to, I was, I got married pretty young and I'm not used to this. I haven't been dating for a very long time. So I think it's just weird to me that i felt like he even told me he like we had this incredible connection like over the phone like before we met each other it was like and i don't yeah say to each other out of excitement in the first month or two right yeah i'm not saying they're not meaningless but they're meaningless they're they only they're only meaningful if we our minds don't change but like we don't know it's like you know like going on the bachelor it's just like you you really feel this shit but like you're also just like feeling a lot and you're just like ah you know feelings change too you know the things we say

early on like people get so mad about like well they said this to me great were they lying well probably not they probably thought that in the moment some people are are a little bit more careful with what they say because they know they their feelings change and some people are like hey i don't know i'm gonna say what i feel in the moment yeah doesn't necessarily make them liars he's going through his shit too um right i think yeah it just it's uh definitely shouldn't reach out though okay i mean i won't that's his boredom you know if you're gonna be mad at yourself for investing all this energy into a guy that did this you texting him is wasted energy it's literally up and before you didn't know but now it's on you now it's just like now

you know that if you text him and get him to respond and and the worst case scenario which will you won't realize because it will feel like the best case scenario is that out of boredom he responds to you but make no mistake he if he responds to you it's because he got lonely and bored not because he realized he made some mistake yeah okay well that's good that's good advice um i mean so just get back i think i'm definitely bored yeah thanks keep shooting shooter yeah Shoot and shooter. Yeah. Shooters miss shots sometimes. It's okay.

Yeah. I mean, I think me not being used to dating or even having adult interaction right now because of everything going on. And I'm just with my kids all the time. It's all about your perspective. When you date, go out there with this idea that you too want a variety. You got married young. You don't have a lot of experience with a variety of different men and you owe that to yourself. And if you happen to fall in love with a guy who falls in love with you along the way that you're just trying to get some variety in your life, then great. Yeah. That's a safer way to look at dating in your situation because you're going to set yourself up for disappointment a little bit less like don't like is he my guy he's got kids great you know like

you might be single for a couple years and have some fun while you do you know put this pressure that you got to replace your ex-husband within a couple months is just oh i didn't really want to replace him no i know but you get what i'm saying like this yeah the idea that you're gonna find your new husband in two weeks of dating for the first time is i don't think i wanted i didn't go into it being like oh my god no i know but the way you were like oh it would have been so nice you get what i'm saying though oh yeah yeah but it would have been nice not to have to like play the field more and do the thing so yeah i think you need to change that mentality okay i think

you should actually look at it is i now i get to play the field some more your perspective is the only thing you really need to adjust here you got to stop telling yourself it would have been nice had i just been able to you don't know that in two weeks you got to find telling yourself it would have been nice had I just been able to. You don't know that. In two weeks, you got to find out this guy wasn't your guy. How would you have felt if you found that out a year from now? No, it'd suck a lot more. People do it all the time. So then stop saying it would have been nice not to have to do this. I'm glad I figured this out in two weeks.

I look forward to going out and meeting new people. Those are the things you tell yourselves. figured this out in two weeks i look forward to going out and meeting new people those are things you tell yourselves i mean what we tell ourselves when we're along with our thoughts really affect our our mindset and how we approach things because we have conversations with ourselves i don't know at least i do more than anyone else you know and you are constantly giving yourself advice and telling yourself it would have been nice if is only going to make it harder for you to find your happy place, so to speak. Change your perspective. Change, yep.

That's the only thing you have control over right now. Yeah, I think I just need to look at dating more as like something fun to do rather than a chore so we love the big i don't want to date why you know when you were married i bet it got pretty fucking boring having sex with the same guy you didn't like so yeah sometimes it did yeah now it's hard to enjoy the freedom that you asked for and before you lock in with another guy for the rest of your life mix it up get some sex have some fun meet new people have a bad date tell your friends about it you know interesting yeah

yeah but tell yourself that you're open to having that those are fun things if i ever tell you oh it's so exhausting okay i just feel like as a as a mom of young kids i'm like constantly exhausted i don't doubt that another thing i can't relate to that and i you know i'm in no way suggesting but at the same time, we can stress ourselves out a whole different way. You could have been dating this guy now, and then you're stressed out because, oh, you're confused. He hasn't defined the relationship, and you spend a bunch of energy worrying about that. We can waste energy doing all sorts of different things in our thoughts. Right.

All right? Yeah. You're going to be great. That's good. All right? Thank you. I feel better a different perspective yeah all right take care thanks very much nick yeah my pleasure bye-bye well hey listen i uh i always get the i get the warm and fuzzies with our callers and the variety of the problems that people have it's always fun um people really trust you with their like they their like intimate

As they should. I felt like I was, I felt like I bet a thousand today. You did. You did good today. I don't know. Well, thanks for listening guys. We do appreciate it.

Make sure to tune in. Is there a Bachelor episode? You know, maybe we'll have a Bachelor episode tomorrow. I don't know. But on Wednesday, more importantly,

Pastor Miles is with us. He is obviously a man of god with a very interesting background his journey to become the man he is today uh uh didn't start in a a typical place and started the nfl started in the nfl uh ran into some problems in his life um he has a great perspective on um some of the things that are going on in our world today uh racial inequality he uh has a great book on some of the things that are going on in our world today, racial inequality. He has a great book out there about trying to find a common ground so that we can move forward. And I thought it was really interesting talking to him.

And I really enjoyed it. I discovered him. I didn't discover him, but I saw him giving interviews. And I was really moved by what he said. And I invited him on and he took the time. And I think you guys will really enjoy that. So be sure to tune in on Wednesday and if we happen to talk some Bachelor,

well, check us out tomorrow. Until then, thanks for listening. Don't forget to send your questions at asknickatcastme.com, cast with a K. And if there's nothing else, we'll see you later.