The Viall Files - E165 Ask Nick - Clarity is a Detox

Episode Date: August 17, 2020

Today on Ask Nick we start with the question: what would you do if your friend was found kissing your boyfriend instead of her own? The answer to this situation may surprise you as we first try to help someone stuck in a friend group that has a secret about to bust it apart. We then speak to someone who received a DM from another girl her guy was seeing, exposing the hurtful things he was saying about her and giving her the confidence to walk away, but making her nervous to trust in the dating pool again. Friends with benefits- with a twist- is the next topic as our caller struggles to understand why he doesn't want a relationship with her and knowing that her current reality will ultimately come to an end. Lastly, we speak with a woman who is broken-hearted over the end of a long-term relationship she feels came out of nowhere. “This might sting a little bit.” Thank you for sending in your questions, we love hearing from you. Send all your relationship questions to [e-mail] and as always, make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode. THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS:  MODERN FERTILITY: modernfertility.com/VIALL to get $20 off your test! MASTERCLASS: masterclass.com/VIALL to get 15% off an annual membership! HIDRATE SPARK: hidratespark.com/VIALL for FREE US SHIPPING on the new HidrateSpark STEEL bottle today! Episode Socials: Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hi everybody. How's it going? That was lovely. Yeah. You know who I am, I think, right? Anyways, Chrissy, thanks for joining. Thanks for having me, Nicholas. Did you have a good weekend? I had an okay weekend. I was telling you when I got walked in here, if I look awkward today, it's because I dropped a 20-pound medicine ball on my back. Totally fine. It seems challenging to drop a medicine ball on your back? You know, it would, but I did it. You have skills. I'm special.

Are you surviving? I'm surviving, I'll live. You know, you use that Theragun. Well, we have a wonderful episode for you today. Some very relatable, a lot of dating, dating fears of dating a lot of gaslighting issues yeah boys the boys just they're not nice sometimes you know people suck people suck i'm sorry yeah sometimes they don't but but a lot of times they do i'm not glad people suck but i don't know if we would have this show.

That's true. If these guys weren't so terrible, we wouldn't have anything to talk about. And sometimes, hey, women can suck too. Yes, they can. I've been on the... On the receiving end?

Of the shitty committee. Oh, the shitty committee. Jonathan really... Jonathan Bennett. Yeah, he really coined that phrase. That's a long name. Well, I think we just get into it. Just a friendly reminder that if you get through your podcast schedule this week,

Nick V Talks Trash TV is hot, ready, and available for your consumption. Yeah. At any time. I'm just reminding you uh people who haven't listened to it because you're simply just missing out i don't know what else to tell you and you've probably went and checked it out and reluctantly i don't know i you won't regret it i thought you just have to trust me you're just gonna have to trust me there's no bachelor on abc this week so this is how they can get their fix. There you go. Get your fix.

Get your fix. Right now. Other than that, we, as always, really appreciate you tuning in. I see you guys posting on your social about the ethnic episodes, sharing with your friends. It means a lot.

Certainly appreciate your reviews on iTunes. So thank you. And if there's nothing else, let's get to saving lives. How's it going? Great. How are you? Good. How can I help? Great. How are you? Good. How can I help? So I have a situation that involves some friends and a new love interest of sorts and myself, and I would love to get your advice. Great. How can I help? Great. So basically I have been talking to someone for the last like two weeks. We met recently and really hit it off.

Everything's been great. And we're in kind of this big shared friend group. I know his friends really well. I just met him and he is best friends with this couple. Best, best friends. They quarantined together for like two months in the beginning of all this. They all went to college together, so they're really close. I'm kind of like just becoming better friends with everyone.

But we all went on a big trip together a few weeks ago. We went camping, and him and I really hit it off. And then everyone else kind of just like started sensing that there was something going on between us. But the girl in the couple, she's pretty protective over him. Like they're very, very close, but like in a brotherly sisterly way. And I never have sensed anything between them because she's been dating her boyfriend for

six years now. Um, so over the weekend when we were camping, she made a couple of comments that were a little bit possessive over him that were kind of directed at how quickly he was moving with me. And she was like, okay, you literally just met two days ago. Like you can calm down. Um, which I found a little off puttingputting because her and I are close, but I was like, maybe she's just feeling like she's losing him because he's her best friend and she's really used to a lot of attention from him. Anyways, so we all get back to this city where we live, and this past weekend we celebrated her birthday.

So we were all together all day Saturday, really fun. Um, but at the end of the night I was leaving with him a little early. So everyone else was staying at our friend's place. And, um, I walked out. So me, him and his roommate were going to leave and go back to his apartment. And I left and walked out with both of them. And then he went back inside to say goodbye to her. And I didn't think anything of it and came back out. It was totally normal. We went back to his apartment, had a fun rest of the night, super normal, didn't sense anything was off. But the next day I found out from a few of my friends that, uh uh they witnessed in the apartment when he went back inside her and him hugging like really emotionally like quite an embrace and then her going in to

kiss him and they kissed and it wasn't like platonic it wasn't like a peck or anything it wasn't on the cheek it was like a kiss legitimate and then they pulled away she went back in for it a second time and then they just literally went their separate ways like my friend who was watching the whole thing like happened to see it through you didn't know i didn't see it because i was already outside in the lobby like waiting for him with his roommate um so yeah i've i have no context but she was like the fact that i saw it so clearly anyone could have seen it like her her boyfriend was sitting outside with us on the patio our four other friends were outside like it wasn't

covert it wasn't like they did this secretly and they knew that they were in like a hidden area they really just did it out in the open. But they were alone? I mean, they were alone inside. They were in the kitchen living room area. So they were totally alone, but like they weren't hidden. And we were there all night and you can sense that it's like a very open floor plan. You can directly see to the patio and the patio you can see into the kitchen. And apparently she just went back inside, just acted like nothing had happened.

And when he came back out to meet us, he was totally normal, like unfazed. I didn't sense anything. Um, so we're not really sure what to do. We collectively, like, because now four of us girls in the group know that this happened and I'm super interested in the guy still. And we've still talking every day. Yeah. Still shockingly, she's the one who went for it. So I will say,

okay, I think it's more on her that she initiated this whole situation whatever it was that's very convenient for you isn't it isn't it it's back yeah well he was bombarded by the kiss and he kissed back oh poor guy yeah there's that poor guy beautiful best friend kisses you also he's best friends with her boyfriend of six years so the whole thing is definitely sketchy what do you think you should do i personally don't think i should get involved yet wait wait why you are involved you want to be involved you said you like them yeah well i'm involved

i guess indirectly and now i know no no no no do you want to do you want to you just said you want to continue to pursue the possibility of something with this guy totally all right so you are involved directly. This is true. Not indirectly, not kind of. You're involved because that's what you want. If you were to say to me, I saw this and kind of honestly, it changed my whole perspective of this guy and whatever he's got going on with her, I don't want a part of him, then that's a different conversation.

Then you aren't really involved. And him then that's a different conversation then you you aren't really involved and so then that's a different conversation like well do i i'm friends with these people do i get involved and tell them etc etc but because you want to discover more about this guy and potential of a relationship with him then you are involved yes that's true so knowing that you are involved. Yes, that's true. So knowing that you are directly involved, what do you think you should do? My first instinct was to say something to her and let her know that because we are a larger friend group and now everyone basically besides her, her boyfriend and the boy who was kissed, um, we all know. And cause another boyfriend found out. And then I told one of our friends yesterday asking for advice. So now basically most of us who were there and our

friends know what happened besides them. and so i was thinking it would maybe be the right move as a friend to go to her first and say look this was seen a lot of people know about it you may or may not remember this but like i want to put it out there that people are talking we don't want this to get back to your boyfriend like that's not our intention of trying to like rat rat you out but like we should talk about this agree with your plan um i'm just gonna cut you off just cut me off nick's like i just can't i have to i have to listen um you said that she demonstrated some signs early on before you saw this kiss of some like weird jealousy or kind of controlling over this guy she should just be friends with and be super happy that she's dating someone that she's also

friends with so if you come to her with this information you really are setting yourself up for her to get defensive making you seem like the bad guy gaslighting you be like you're just jealous we're just friends denying it going back to him you're going to lose control if you if you go back to her first again you're you're friends with her maybe who knows if you'll be friends for longer or not but i don't know where this relationship is going to go you're 25 i'm not saying you're getting ahead of yourself but i'm assuming anyone you date at this point in your life and you're serious about like getting to know you're like well i want to see where maybe if you know you're not looking for a fuck buddy right right now you know you

want to see if you could date him and then if you want to date him you want to see if you can go somewhere so like yeah treat this early on with knowing that if it does work out, you don't want it to start on bad terms. So he should be the priority right now, right? How he handles it, what his actions are. Don't give him a free pass. You don't know whether he's the victim or not. You don't know a lot of information. You just saw a third party, him kissing this other girl.

Wait, you start start who kissed who or you're really getting into dangerous water so listen if you really want to pursue with this guy all you really can do is alone with him in a very non-threatening way just put it out what you that what you saw and make yourself vulnerable by saying listen this i i know this can get real messy real fast but i just want you to know i like you and i want to see where it goes and if you don't like me if you have something going on with her it's all good man but i just want to put myself out there if i haven't yet and and let you know and and just like no judgment like what happened with that like i saw it and i'm not i don't want to

create i'm not trying to rate i just like i do like you so like i just don't want to like you more if you have if there's some like unresolved issues with this girl you know what i'm saying and like totally focus on this relationship with this guy don't make any don't don't go up to him and say don't give him outs don't be like because you want to be prepared to hear any truth so don't go like well i know she kissed you first so i just you know don't know like i saw i agree so and so saw you guys kiss well like and it was like a kiss and so i was this i don't want to jump to any conclusions i don't want to make any accusations but i want to talk to you about it because i like you so just like shoot me straight like i don't i don't want to be involved in this drama i don't want to like i don't want to go to her and create this i'm only coming to you because i like you and if i didn't

like you i honestly would probably just remove myself from this equation because i don't want to be involved in this drama does that make make sense? Totally. And focus on this relationship and treat this relationship like a relationship. You really want to give it a real shot and actually don't be dramatic about things that don't really involve you and the things that you don't have control over. See what he says. You know, he can say like, i care about her and she kind of caught me off guard and i didn't know what to do who knows i mean really pay attention to his answer too does he get defensive um if he goes back to her if you know if if you tell him and all of a sudden it gets back to her and she comes to you, then you know where his priorities lie.

And that is with her, not you, you know, because this is not, this is about you and him. This is not about you and her, him and her. Right.

I mean, I get him and her, I had this kiss, but like, you want to see how he communicates with you about this, how he handles it. Is he willing to be like, all right, well, how should I handle it? Does he come to you for counsel? Like, you know what I'm saying? Like,

does he make you feel like he wants to connect with you and get close with you? Or does he insert himself in the drama? You know, does he throw her under the bus? You know, these are all really a good opportunity to see how he handles this, but make it about you and him. Have class, be a master with masterclass people. Did you make that up yourself, by the way? Because it really works. I did.

I think it's amazing. It's honestly, it truly is. It's great. Now is the time to try new hobbies. These are things that you can do with a new dating, person you're dating. I mean, that'd be fun. Oh, that would be such a fun date. You take a masterclass together.

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I haven't checked that one out yet. I'm going to. Spike Lee. The best of the best are on Masterclass and you have access to them. It is really cool. I love it. I've been using it well before they were a friend of ours.

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So again, that means your test is now $139 instead of the hundreds or thousands it could cost at a doctor's office. Get $20 off your fertility test when you go to modernfertility.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Modernfertility.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Yeah. No, you're right i think it will be a good moment of judging his character and seeing yeah i mean i would kind of set your friendship with her aside for the time being yeah because it sounds like i mean that's what i care more about

what's up with him than like what she's doing with her life yeah and uh let him know be vulnerable you know and just give him a chance to like give him an out you know like hey i'm not mad it's totally cool if that's what you want i i support you guys i just i don't want to i don't want to keep going down this path if you have something that can get real messy really fast and maybe like i should we should like you know just kind of because usually in those situations unless he's like a total narcissist and like a terrible person which who knows i don't know possible he he he probably won't like a normal person wouldn't want that type of pressure if he's got shit to deal with with her he might be like a normal person wouldn't want that type of pressure.

If he's got shit to deal with with her, he might be like, yeah, like I don't know what that was about. But like I'm a little confused right now. And yeah, maybe we need to like pump the brakes because I need to figure that shit out. Like that's usually what a normal person would say if he is kind of confused. Or he might say, yeah, I don't know, it's fucking weird. And no, I really do like you i do like you and like and like what i'm saying when you come when you go to him don't make it seem like you're trying to get to the like the bottom of this mystery right just like hey i just all i all emphasize that you like him and that you really want to get on the same page and that

you just don't want to come between him and her yeah you know be be someone that give them give them a chance to trust you you know like hey it's cool man i'm not even judging like i understand that there's another guy who's maybe going to get hurt in all this the boyfriend that you're also friends with but like right now you need to focus on him and you yeah and then you're right and see where that goes because if you try to like solve all these problems all at once and take care of all these people it's gonna get real messy real fast and yeah it's gonna turn dramatic and gossipy and gossipy and you guys yeah that's like the last thing i want i want to avoid that for sure so give him a chance to like open up to you trust you see what he says give him an out you know see if he responds in a way you hope he does but don't make excuses for him to yourself or to him you know yeah he did do something shitty

and he's not a victim. He's an adult male. Like there's a lot of girlfriends I have. If they tried to kiss me, I would be like, whoa. What are you doing? I don't kiss people I don't want to kiss, you know? Exactly. So he is not a victim. This is true. I need to remember that.

So yeah. Yeah. yeah no you're right i i'm i have a new plan now i'm cautiously optimistic i don't know if that's the right how long ago that's how i feel uh saturday night was like, I need help right away. Have you hooked up with him? Have you hooked up with him? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And we've still been talking every day. He was like texting me this morning. I haven't responded. I'm like, little do you know what I'm doing today? Be very kind of almost surprisingly cool. And really give him, be like, oh, I can trust this person with exactly how I really feel.

Yeah. They can feel safe. I'll provide a safe space. Exactly. Good chance of getting the truth from him. Yeah. Yeah. I can do that.

I can provide a safe space. All right. All right. Best of luck. Okay. Thanks guys. All right. Take care.

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I can't believe they're doing things like that. More importantly, like I said, hydrating is such a key component to your health, your wellness, your skin. Yeah. It's a sexy way to hydrate. It's great for your immune system. And I always forget unless I'm having my hydrate spark. Yeah. My consumption rate of water and hydration goes up significantly. And they have this amazing app that reminds you as you see it close up. If you're listening, trust me, it's glowing. It's glowing me it's glowing apps really easy to use too it's easy to download it tells you everything you kind of just plug in uh the information about your bottle it kind of connects bluetooth wise it's amazing it even knows how when you put the water in which

is kind of weird but cool yeah i mean it's also it's like it's always cold which is great yeah anyways order the hydrate spark steel today and our listeners will get free u.s shipping go to hydrate spark.com slash v-i-a-l-l hydrate is spelled with an i so that's h-i-d-r-a-t-e spark.com slash v-i-a-l-l that's hydrate spark.com slash v-i-a-l-l for free u.s shipping on the new hydrate spark steel bottle today. How's it going? Hi, I'm Marissa. I'm 27. How are you, Nick? Good. How are you? How can I help? I'm good. So basically, I matched with this guy on Hinge a couple months ago. We spent maybe like around two months together going on dates getting

to know each other it was a lot of fun like everything was going great and how old is he um he's 28 okay yeah and then the last time that we hung out was at my house. I decided to invite him over for like a pool party and like introduce him to all my friends and stuff. And he was so excited about it, like so nervous, like I was just like, we were both excited about like where it was going. And so I introduced him to my friends. It was like a lot of fun. We all had like a good day, whatever. And then toward the end of the day, um, he was going to Uber back. So he like called the Uber on his phone and then his phone like lit up. So I went to go look at it cause I thought it was the uber and it was a text message from a girl let's call her olivia because that was her name

and um i obviously i didn't read what it said but i was just like oh like i kind of joked around with it and i was like olivia like wants to talk to you like you might want to get that like she it's like one in the morning like she probably needs you okay so you were you were you were passive aggressive a little bit playfully though you're right so the thing is like i'm not necessarily i wasn't necessarily like upset at a girl texting him because it was so early on between us that it wasn't i wasn't like who is that blah blah blah but also like it's not fun to see that when he's like at my house you know and so in two months have you had like how much do you know about him like his friends his family um so he's not from south florida so i like didn't meet his family he hasn't met mine but i know like his background and stuff i met some of his friends

he like introduced me to some people even like through facetime and stuff like introduced me to other people that don't live here like told me he like he like showed me that he like sent a picture of us to his mom and stuff like saying he was so excited about me and whatever what made him do that curious did you ask or he's out of nowhere he's like i sent a picture of us to my mom um it was basically like we had taken a picture and then like she texted so he sent it and then she texted back and then he was like laughing at the response and he was like haha look like i sent it to my mom and she said this okay so you asked him about like casual yeah okay no big deal so you asked him about olivia you're like hey what's up with olivia and he says and he goes no like please like it's not even like that verbatim that's what he said

and i was like i don't know what that means but i don't i'm not saying it's not even like that verbatim that's what he said and i was like i don't know what that means but i don't i'm not saying it's like anything yeah so he's already in denial mode yeah and then he goes he was like i want you to know that like i'm not dating anyone else like i'm not interested in dating anyone else like i really just want to pursue you and like i'm not i'm not interested in like okay anyone else at the moment. That's a positive response to that. Right. So I was like,

okay, like that. I mean, maybe it was a good thing that I saw that that girl texted because it like prompted kind of like an exclusivity thing going on. So then the next week I go on vacation, I'm like out of town or whatever. And he's texting me all these like lovey dovey things.

Like I haven't felt this way about a girl in so long like whatever just like the great things that a girl wants to hear and um i end up looking at my phone and i got a notification on instagram and it's a dm request from a girl named Olivia. Right. And it says, I have some messages that I think you'd be interested in. And I was like, okay, like, send away. Like, yeah, I'm ready. Like, just send it.

She basically, like, long story short between them, they had matched on Hinge, like, at the end of last year. And they've never met in person, according to, like like both of them in separate occasions telling me this um but they like just message all the time so she sent me like a ton of screenshots between them and most of it was just like him flirting with her like kind of

being gross but like none of my business i felt like you're reading those conversations did you ask like how did my name come up like were you um i i didn't but she said that she basically was like doing this as payback um because she like had a falling out with him a couple of days before that and i'm cut like i kind of assumed that she knew about me the way i knew about her where like maybe he mentioned something to her um maybe but if he's never met her you know like you saw a text on his phone it kind of came up you know you kind of accidentally discovered olivia It's harder for her to accidentally discover you if they're talking virtually. Yeah, I honestly have no idea. But maybe just she's a girl and she's not asking.

So then she sent you something. Right, so one of the screenshots was from the day that he was at my house meeting my friend. So he had uploaded an Instagram story that day and it was just like of my pool like it wasn't really with like anyone in it and he tagged my town which i live like in a suburb in south florida where it's like a family town there's nothing to do there whatever so she responded to that story being like what the hell are you doing in weston which is the town

like i thought you were fine like what are you doing like Weston, which is the town? Like, I thought you were fine. Like, what are you doing? Like, hooking up with a high school grad? And he responded basically, like, making fun of me for still living at home with my parents, even though I'm, like, getting my master's and it's whatever. And also basically just, like, degrading my body. Like, just talking shit about me. Like, her terrible things

to olivia and then he was like i i am fine like let's go get drinks then like asking her out and stuff whatever so this is the day that he wanted i saw him texting her exactly um so after i saw like the way he spoke about me it was already just like enough of a deal breaker to be like, don't ever talk to me again. So I texted him being like your friend, Olivia reached out to me. Like I saw a text between you guys that were just like hurtful and gross. So no bad blood, but you're not for me. And he like denied, denied, denied. He was like, what messages?

Like I made it clear to her that I wasn't interested in anything more than just a friendship with her. Like, I'm not sure why you're upset. So I just sent the one screenshot that was about me. And then the rest of his messages are like, fully gaslighting me like being like, are you really going to end it over this? Like what we had was so special. Like, can you at least hear me out and like meet with me in person or like, call me so that we can discuss this? Like, I feel like this is like a conversation that needs to be had, like not over text. And he was like, trust is very important to me. Like, how do you feel right now?

And I just responded being like, I feel like I dodged a bullet. And he was like, what do you mean? Like how I'm going to fight for you, for us, whatever. I like never responded to any of that we haven't spoken since but like going out and you know what like i feel so lucky to have had that girl message me and stuff because i would have been like fully dating this guy probably by now without even knowing that he was like this you know totally so it's kind of just like the I feel lucky that it happened like this earlier on where like my emotions weren't super involved

in it because I was able to just like put my foot down and let it go immediately but like if this happened a couple months down the road I don't know if it would have been so easy for me so like that is a huge problem in itself that I just like don't know if it would have been so easy for me so like that is a huge problem in itself that I just like don't know how to handle and then also like going back out into the dating scene right now and just like trusting guys after being like so bamboozled by this guy is like so hard yeah I mean so where you're saying that you're you're worried that had you liked him even more it would have changed how you handled it i think so for example i haven't spoken to him since my sister like literally last week was like hey can i like make a tiktok about this it's really funny you know i don't care about him

so i was just like sure it accidentally went viral and all the comments basically were girls being like you're so lucky you like saw this side of him right away and that this girl messaged you because i was in like a three-year relationship with someone who was just as toxic and gaslighted me so badly and it's so hard to get out of it once you're like super invested in it yes i mean i don't know like i think i would have reacted differently if i was like yes you're you're absolutely right it is harder um and in that sense you are lucky to have found this out earlier it doesn't really change in anything in terms of how you should handle a situation like this like the difference between you know finding out now and finding out say in six months is it sounds like

when you got this information yeah it probably hurt your feelings maybe you felt a little bit of an embarrassment some confusion all these things but you were seem more or less okay like all these things, but you were seem more or less okay. Like, you kind of even felt thank God I found this out. Now. I, I'm not emotionally invested in this guy. And I think this is a good lesson to learn. In the sense that so often when we find these things out three years later, a year and a half later, yeah, that grieving process is hard, because we feel more loss. But what we do is and i was having literally having this conversation with a friend last night going through a breakup is the only difference between what you're going through now and fast forward is now you're not

going to spend a shit ton of time in your head ruminating all these more or less useless thoughts that are just really about your ego trying to make yourself feel better because you feel silly, right? Like what you could or should have done differently. What about him should you have noticed? All these things, right? None of which changes how you actually should handle it and how you did handle it, right? Because sometimes it's a lot simpler than you realize. Like what you have the benefit did handle it, right? Because sometimes it's a lot simpler than you realize. Like what you have the benefit now is clarity, right? Because you're not thinking about some of the useless things we think about in breakups is, well, we dated for three years.

And then somehow, because you've dated for three years, people seem to be willing to give people a pass on doing shitty things or a year and a half. How much time you spent with someone really, I don't think should play too much in a role in it. You know, like you should look at their actions as itself at face value. And so like, yeah, you're, I wouldn't stress about like, well, what if I had known? I think in the future, just remember this moment. And while it's going to hurt a little bit more, and it might be a little bit harder, like the clarity you have now about this situation is the same clarity you should have

if this unfortunately happens to you in the future, which I can't promise you because yeah, like, listen, it's a shitty world out there in the dating scene. Paralysis of choice. We have too many options. We're not policing ourselves. Men and women both do it. It's kind of a shitty situation. But it sounds like you're kind of in tuned. Like, it sounds like you have this ability to trust your gut. And you got a little bit lucky with this information she sent you. But you know i'm saying like so don't waste a lot of energy uh worrying about the future or what you don't have be thankful that you have this kind of clarity that you have and just kind of remember what you felt remember like this what he said to you in terms of you know i don't know everything he said to you that made you feel gaslighted, but it sounds like he was making you feel guilty for doubting his honesty, right?

Generally, that's probably the generalization of it all. And you knew he was lying, you know, and you didn't let the things he said affect what you knew deep down to be true. And that's all that really matters. I think you hang on to that. And this is a good practice in trusting your gut. Because sometimes we have a hard time trusting our gut. Sometimes we doubt ourselves.

We will listen to the bullshit. And the same clarity you have now should be the same clarity if this were to happen four or five months from now. As far as going back out there, you it's uh i can't make it just you just got to keep going out there you didn't really what did you lose here i didn't lose anything the the thing that's like hard now isn't even just like looking back and being like oh my god like that i am like so thankful that it happened so early on but now that i'm like starting to date again like let's say i go on a date with a guy or like a couple of dates with the same guy and like everything is like working out the way it is i'm like what if what if he's the same as that guy so there were no guys like that there were

no red flags when you go back knowing what you know now there were there was nothing no like no he covered it up really well like i really thought he was just like a good guy yeah i don't know that even like his friend reached out to me being like i'm so sorry that that happened um did you know about his dating history much when you were talking to him? Yeah. He's like, he's a relationship guy. He like has had three. Yeah. He's had like three long relationships in his life.

And like, then he, now he's been single for like a year and a half or something like that. And he's just been like out on the streets. So when you, when you look back and you think about the thing, the conversations you had with this guy, did it all sound really great? Did he ever in the two months you talked ever point out an insecurity and he had, or a vulnerability he felt or, um, uh, an omission about like, Hey, hey, listen, I just want to open up to you. And like, you know, I did this a few years ago. I don't know. Like sometimes after two months,

I don't know you. I got to assume that if we had like an honest conversation over the past, say seven years of your life, and you wanted to be vulnerable with me, you might say, hey, Nick, I did this shit once and I wasn't the best version of myself. You know what I'm saying? Like, and I think those are important conversations to have in a dating situation. It's like in an interview where like, you're like, all right, tell me about your best qualities. You're like, well, I'm on time and I'm a hard worker. And then you always get that question of like, well, what are some of your shortcomings? And that's a really important question in the interview process in terms of how someone handles that. Because the

idea is no one's perfect. Everyone has weaknesses. And I just want to know someone who's like honest about what those weaknesses are so they can have a chance to addressing them. And I can even have a chance to coach them up if I'm their employer. It works the same way in relationships. And so if this guy you were dating just always said the fucking best things and talked about like i just my role i'm a relationship guy i love my mom and you know and it all sounded great what i'm not saying like you shouldn't believe like there's a lot of great guys out there but in two months i would like to you know you should probably have learned something about him that was a little you should probably have learned something about him

that was a little bit more vulnerable and learn something about him that maybe is a little, not necessarily like a flaw, like something that makes you go, something he's nervous to tell you. And you go, thanks for telling me. I feel like I know you better. And I know, I know that you're just kind of a guy. like you know what like listen probably every guy you're going to be attracted to has been a douchebag before you know at some point i'm not saying they are a douchebag but they've been a douchebag you know and it's good to date someone at you know especially in your late 20s to, for a guy who's like, yeah, I did that shit. And that might be something for you to like pay attention to the next guys you meet

because you probably are used to dating a lot of guys or meeting a lot of guys who are good talkers, who are really good at like saying all the right things early on. It's all very convincing. It all sounds real nice. But find the guys who are also willing to like just be honest with you saying all the right things early on it's all very convincing it all sounds real nice but find the guys who are also willing to like just be honest with you about some of the things that

make them not so perfect yeah if that maybe makes sense it does but i think it's way easier said than done well sometimes you get people to do that is to talk about your own insecurities and then that gets them to open up. And I will say this, if you're dating someone for a month and a half and something comes up, right? And you share something with them. I don't know what it is, right? And it doesn't have to be like anything great, just something. I'm sure there's something about you that like you only your closest friends now. something. I'm sure there's something about you that like you, like you only your closest friends know. And if they respond to that by either making you feel judged or, or just like, oh,

well, thanks for sharing. I'm great. I'm a perfect person. That's a red flag. You know what I'm saying? Like a normal person who really likes you, who wants to connect with you would have something to share as well. It's like a normal thing to do. If I were dating a girl and she opened up about something that she felt vulnerable herself and was kind of nervous to tell me, I would A, want to talk about it, make her feel like, hey, thanks for letting me know. By the way, I have this thing about me. That's like what people who really want to go down a path of getting to know each other, because you're kind of opening it up

for someone to judge you. You're also like trust. It's a lot easier, but I trust you, you trust me, but you're trusting them with a secret or something, or something you'd only share to a friend. And that's a great way to see how they might respond. I hope that's helpful. I don't know. Honestly, it is. It really is. You're going to be fine. I'm certain of that.

And go out there, start dating, let this go. I think one more piece of advice is don't hang on to the story. Let it go. Yeah. It's, you felt a little silly. You probably feel embarrassed. Your ego's a little pissed off right now. Just let it go. And look forward to the next guy who's going to totally crush on you and then practice, you know, learning about him.

I mean, have you ever in a first date just gotten real deep with someone? Get him to open up? Just not him. Okay. Well, you should feel good about knowing that now. Yeah. That's very true.

All right. Dang. That was much better advice than I would have ever anticipated. No offense. We're here every week. It's kind of a thing you should hear you should hear the love the truth bombs i was dropping to my friend last night she's like i'm not ready for this i've been on the receiving end of your truth bombs and it's it's enlightening yeah i was nervous

to come on here because i was like he's gonna like psychoanalyze me you're fine i mean listen i think what's great about this is that it's a very relatable as you realized it's a scary world out there people do lie um it's easy to get into your thoughts and insecurities but i think there's something you can learn from this and you can be a little bit more honest with yourself about how much you really knew him so all right okay all right best of luck how's it going good hi how are you good what's your name my name is melissa and i'm 34 i'm melissa 34 how can i help so i wrote to you guys because i have a friends with benefits situation that I think is a little bit different than everybody else's and I know everybody thinks that they're special home but I did want to write to you because mine it does seem a little

different I was kind of looking to see what your male perspective is on it so I met this guy three years ago we have been platonic friends up until earlier this year and really platonic friends, like hanging out very often. Nothing sexual, no kissing, no anything like that. But he's been a great friend to me. Like he's fixed my bike. He's helped me build things. He's helped me fix things in my house.

Just like a really good friend. And then we crossed over in January into the Friends With Benefits realm, and he was very upfront and honest going in that it would never be more than Friends With Benefits. It was always going to just be that and to never ask for anything else other than that. Why? Did you say why? So he has never really given me a solid reason for that. He has mental health issues, and I know that he's working on that. He's 42 when he's only had one girlfriend i mean i feel like that's probably important information to know um he just has i know he has a lot going on and i think that he can't compartmentalize like his work you know he didn't so he you don't really know but you i don't really know

no i don't know um but he didn't specify you were left guessing i was yeah all right exactly exactly um since then like we've really i feel like we're dating you know we're going out he's paying for everything he's planning trips away he's paying for everything, he's planning trips away, he's planning them all himself, he's like paying for everything, he wants to do things. And then recently, a couple weeks ago, he had offered to pay off my car loan, which I owe $14,000 still on my car, and he had offered to pay it off. Out of nowhere? See, that's the look I was waiting for. Yeah, my car broke down a a couple months ago and i put a lot of money into repairs and um so i'm kind of like upside down on my car loan so he had known

that um but yeah it was it was out of nowhere yeah um because it was after my car got fixed and i got it back so the only difference between you and your relationship with him and what you preserve to be like a regular relationship is you the lack of definition and your some your confusion of his commitment um i know he doesn't want a relationship i just don't understand he talks to me as if there is a future right like he wants to pay off my loan he's making um plans for us in the future it's just so confusing that he would do that and he doesn't want what do you what do you want for yourself in life i mean i i do want to come in and i do want to settle down and get married have kids family all that yeah yeah okay and then your general question is what you do? I know.

I mean, I know that if I want to get married and if that feeling is more strong than seeing him, then I need to move on. I'm aware of that, that he probably will never change. I just don't understand. I was curious what your perspective is on the situation. I don't understand why he is acting the way he is because it really isn't just a friends with benefits and it isn't just the sex because i mean this has been like a long term without way before that i mean too much detail you say mental health issues like he just has really bad anxieties a little bit of depression are we talking more like severe bipolar um so he

told me that he has ocd and it's not something that i've really seen like it's not the stereotypical like super clean or like but so you know not to but like people with ocd can have relationships yeah no i agree it's not like he's incapable or somehow this is debilitated you don't notice this on a day-to-day basis or something that he's no no not at all no uh when you when you offered to pay uh your car um payment what was what was your response um my response was no and i didn't really go into detail as to why i was just like it's just too much money and i just don't want it from you and we've had the discussion a few times but like

for me it's like if there's no commitment no um commitment and there's no future then i'm not taking that kind of money from him like it just doesn't make sense yeah listen uh all you can really do at this point is uh put yourself out there and be willing to walk away and make your intentions clear. Right. Friends with benefits or best friends who hang out, you know, who are of the opposite sex. These friends with benefits has an expiration date. Right. You're either going to it's either going to end with him in a relationship or it's

going to end without him, you know, but it is going to end. This situation you have now of you having sex with this friend while you're confused about your status is it's going to end. So you just have to decide whether it's going to end on your terms or or his and your terms still might not mean you get what you want right now and because ultimately what you would love right now is for him to say i want to you know start a future with you and settled out and see where this goes but i want to really try and invite expectations in this relationship but his terms would be like he just one day just ends out of nowhere or you know you know what i'm saying so i think what you need to do at this

point is figure out how you want to approach this end it on your terms it's not going to like nothing's going to change on its own so So put yourself, just be like, Hey, listen, I just want to sit down. You've been very honest with me that you don't want to start a relationship. I get that. I'm not necessarily here to try to convince you to change your mind. But I also want to point out like, this is what's been going on between us. The car, I really appreciate it. The trip planning.

Those are things that boyfriend and girlfriend do and as much as i love spending time with you it also just confuses the shit out of me and i spent a lot of time being confused about us and you know you've been honest with your words and direct with your words but you've been indirect with your actions right yeah and so point that out and just say and don't ask just say i just think it's time i need to walk away from this and i need to sit it down because i care about you but i respect that you don't want to be in relationship with me and see what he says give it some time i mean ultimately you're kind of giving them an ultimatum,

but you have to be willing to walk away. You can't just say this as a dare, and then when he doesn't give you the answer you want, you're like, just kidding. Let's hang out. You really have to be ready to end it. And if he, whatever his first answer is,

especially if it's what you want, just be like, be very chill, be very confident in your decision. I, I love you. I like want to be with you, but I also value what I want for myself more. And, you know, I'm at the point in my life, I just don't want to keep being confused about the relationship we have. And I'd love it to be with you, but I totally get it if you don't want to be with me but I'm just I'm getting to the point where I'm actually more confused about us than ever before

yeah and I think that's all you can really say yeah but I think that will give you the best because clearly he cares about you right I don't know why he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you or anything else and maybe he doesn't know who knows but you know give him a chance to make a decision but you have to you have to be able to walk away yeah yeah this is going to end i know this situation you have with him is 100 going to end just you have to decide whether it's going to be on your terms or not you're going to be fine i'm not saying it's all going to be awesome in the next week or so but it's not going to be as bad or scary as you feel or or worry about right now that much i'm sure sure of and i don't think you appreciate just how confused you are right now and just how much energy you're spending on this guy and this relationship,

and I don't think you appreciate probably how crappy it makes you feel sometimes. You know, those are crappy feelings you're feeling, and you could be wasting energy somewhere else. Plus a year from now you could be in the same position and look at the time you lost trying to find somebody else that wants you more yeah yeah um yeah that's so that's what you gotta do okay you was expecting that. You could be surprised. You never know. But don't ask him again if he wants to date you. Don't beg. Yeah, yeah.

Don't, don't, don't, you're not going in there asking questions. You are going into this conversation telling him what you want for yourself. And what, and you are you know quite honestly like you're you've accepted that it's not with him whether that that may or may not be true but you should tell him that but you're not you're not you're not don't sit him down and be like rehash things you've rehashed and ask him what you know don't ask him why he did this to say you do this it's confusing i don't want to be confused anymore doesn't make sense yeah it does yeah i knew i want to i want to walk away because you don't want to be with me and that's okay

i'm not mad but I need to let go. It might come around. You never know. But listen to his answers. Yeah. I don't want a girlfriend, but I do like spending time with you is not. I know. Then you got to walk away.

I love you, but I don't. I just don't want to. Babe, I just don't want to babe i just don't want to i just don't want you know nope listen to his answers you know short of him being like i'm ready to i want to try i want to try i want to you know you're gonna have to be tough on yourself you know it is tough because i look at him as like someone who like embodies everything i want a husband do you know what i mean like he is like we definitely built that friendship first and like we definitely built like we have like a solid foundation he is like my he is my best friend like i don't want to leave him it's tough i know but he also kind of makes you feel shitty sometimes yeah he definitely

makes me um feel very confused like absolutely that's like the best way to put it there is a reason he doesn't want to and you need to figure out what that is you know? Like, he thinks he's too old for you. I don't know. He has some, I don't know. I mean, he's not, but like, you know, there is a reason. I don't, you know, he doesn't feel the same way you feel about him. You know? Mm-hmm.

I don't know. Yeah. He'll show you with his actions. If he wants to be with you he'll try to he won't want to lose you but you have to be willing to leave sorry it's okay

it's gonna be fine whatever you decide I can promise you that if you do what I'm telling you to do, a year from now, you'll be better off. Yeah. I'm not promising you it'll be easy in the next few months, but if you stick to your guns, you'll be better off. Yeah. I promise you that.

Because like Chrissy said, if you do nothing, there's a good chance a year from now you'll be just as confused yeah you might have a little bit more money because he paid on your car yeah exactly yeah have him pay off your car first i'm just kidding it's fine it's not i would never do that yeah but the hard part is also like i'm sure you have these feelings that like when you're someone but someone's friends with benefits, you always get these overwhelming feelings. Like, why am I not enough to be more than that? And that's, that's a mind game for yourself that you don't need to put yourself through. I've been there.

Yeah. Yeah, definitely. There's something that you're missing that you're not willing. You haven't been willing to look at in terms of why he's not. Yeah. And I really, I don't know what it is. Like, I really don't. He might not know either, but, like, you leaving

and not giving him what he wants for free, so to speak, and letting him believe that you are prepared to take a risk. And there are. There are other guys out there he's just a guy yeah and it's not you know eventually if you're looking for you will find someone else i'm certain of it it might take some time it's not going to happen when you want it to happen there's a lot of guys you're not even giving a chance to because you're so obsessed with this situation yeah all right all right thank you let us know you're gonna be fine we'll do gonna be fine

okay you can do this i promise you'll be happy you did yeah all right all right thank you take care all right bye-bye bye how's it going hi good um my name is jamie i'm 24 hi jamie um hi um so recently i was dumped i feel like i need to give you a little bit of background. So I met my ex when we were 19. Well, I was 19. I was living in D.C. I actually moved into a house and he was my housemate. So we lived together the whole time.

Fast forward a year, my dad passed away and he was very supportive. And then three months later, he got an offer to play on the U.S. Olympic handball team in Auburn, Alabama. Yeah. So he asked me to move with him and I graduated college early. So I moved with him to Auburn. He was in his first semester at Maryland Law, decided to quit that. When we got down there, I was pretty depressed and he supported me kind of through that. And I went to therapy, got through it. He was in a PhD program. He hated it, quit that. So we decided to open a business.

We opened a cycling and yoga studio. Then we got into a lawsuit with our landlord, who was not a good guy. And we didn't have any money. So we had to go back to my home state of Kentucky. I quickly got a job. He was kind of dealing more with the lawsuit. So he was back and forth between Auburn and here. Six months later, his dad got sick. When his dad got out of the hospital, like one day he just sprung it on me that he like wanted to go home to be with his dad. Obviously I wanted him to be with his family but he like didn't consult me at all about the decision so I wasn't necessarily super happy about that and he left he decided to come back like a month later and we were going to work through our issues our communication issues he came back for a day told me he didn't want to be here,

and then decided he wanted to go back to Kansas City and Columbus, Ohio interchangeably and sell cars to make money. So I told him I didn't know if our relationship was going to survive that. He was making these huge decisions and he wasn't consulting me about them at all. The last six months of the lawsuit were pretty terrible. At one point I found like messages he had sent to a girl. I confronted him about it. He said it was his friend. I believed him. And then we both decided we wanted to like move forward to go to grad school and law school at Northwestern in Chicago. Like a week before that happened, he said he didn't know if he could go. I told him if he didn't go, we were breaking up. He moved.

And then we had a pretty normal year until like a week ago, we had a super normal day, like went to the dog park, took him to work. went to the dog park, took him to work. Um, then at 10 30 that night, we were watching basketball together and he was just like, uh, we need to talk. He started rambling for like 10 minutes saying that he thinks our values are not the same anymore. Um, and which kind of came out of nowhere beside the one fight we had about race issues. And I said, are you breaking up with me? He said, yes, cried for an hour. And then I left and went home. And now I'm in Kentucky.

And this is what's happened. So what's your specific question? I would love to have any advice. Yeah, any advice on the breakup and then how to get through it and then how to have more open communication moving forward in my next relationship because clearly he was not communicating with me yeah so um my advice to you is listen so i he was in law school then a phd program and then wanted to sell cars in the middle he He also did like a yoga studio

and wanted to go back to law school. Maybe he's in law school currently and is probably going to finish. I was looking for an apartment for us. Um, the last two months I found an apartment. He's actually going to move into it. So yeah, my, my guess is, is that, and this might sting a little bit, is that somewhere along the relationship it just got real comfortable and you became as much of a like assistant as you did a girlfriend um yeah and you blurred the and like listen a lot of people work with their partners and spouses and they're able to have this like great relationship but married couples do that sometimes like this you were 19 and you guys are still young and figuring

out life and you you probably enabled each other a little bit more than you realize and you definitely probably had a ton of problems that you are you know we don't have the time to dive into any everything but i'm guessing it sounds like you were sugarcoating some of the, oh, it was all fine. And this was came out of nowhere. I'm not sensing it really came out of nowhere. I think if you look back, there are probably a lot of other problems and you may be in your gut felt like you felt distance. And then you threw it in this ultimatum that you mentioned, well, if you'd go there, we're going to break up. And then he didn't. And then you threw it in this ultimatum that you mentioned. Well, if you go there, we're going to break up. And then he didn't.

And then you said, well, then everything was basically fine for a year. I can assure you it wasn't. Nothing ever is when you give someone an ultimatum. So like he finally, truthfully, just got the courage to break up with you. And my guess is he had been thinking about it off and on for a long time. Yeah. And I'm sorry, that might sting a little bit that's okay uh will be true i only say that directly because my guess is you spent a lot of time and energy replaying this relationship over and over and over and over and over in your head and it sounds like you, you gave a very thorough description

in a short period of time about your relationship. And so you can do that because you've thought about this all the time and maybe thinking about things you could have done differently or said differently or what he did wrong, you know, what he could have done better, things he said to you that, you know, don't add up.

None of that really matters. He wanted to break up. And so I think at this point in the breakup, you're best served by accepting the fact that it's over and it's going to be hard, but you should try to wish him well in life, in your mind, law school, whatever you felt like you probably did, or, you know, in terms of like, well, I was there for him and he wouldn't be there if it weren't for me and et cetera, et cetera. You were a willing participant in this

relationship with no guarantees that, you know, that you guys were going to end up together. And I'm sure a lot of things were said over the years about promises and expectations of each other. And that's just life, you know? But we have a habit of holding on to the like, well, you told me that we were gonna do this and now your feelings change and people change. And you probably at times made it very difficult for him to be as honest as he wanted to be.

And the combination, if he probably wasn't brave enough just to be direct. So he was passive aggressive and sometimes doing things and was also scared of being alone. You know, all these things. We do this to each other. And so I think you're at the point of accepting what this is and saying goodbye to a few years of your life and a lot of expectations you had and that's sad and accepting that you just have to let it go the only thing is i have to go back to chicago tomorrow for a week to like pack all my stuff up from our apartment. And I asked him to leave, but you know, I'm not sure he will. Do you even have to, is there a way for him to

ship those things? Do you really have to go? I mean, it's all, it's like all of my furniture. So I like, I need to, we're taking a U-Haul down down my mom's going with me so that well that's good yeah i mean listen he should respect the fact make it very clear you don't want him there yeah you know don't ask him tell him you know just like just really it's no nothing but it's time to be cold a little bit with him and to your end yourself when you like go down there's these thoughts of missing him and wanting to reach out or like well i should wish him a happy birthday it's a nice thing to do you're not being nice you know you're just finding an end you know so you you really got to cut yourself out and then going forward you know this relationship will be unique for yourself because it was like a first

love situation. I wouldn't worry too much about having to replicate. This is going to be unique. But in terms of communicating going forward, look for the signs. Don't get ahead of yourself too much. Don't play house. Like, again, the reason, big reason probably why you didn't see a lot of the signs that maybe this relationship was ending sooner than you realize is that you were kind of two pot committed. You were going through things together. You were kind of acting like a married couple without being married. Like, and the reason, like a lot of married couples should, it's like, hey, listen, we're going to get through our good and bad years. We're married, you know, so we're not just going to quit. But you were acting like that. And I guess there's

a positiveness to that, that you have that mindset and the ability to get through difficult times. But you were probably not even being objective in, are we really meant to be together? Or have I just decided this is the fight I'm a part of? Value your independence right now, I guess, is the big thing for you. You're a little codependent with this guy. Yeah, probably. the biggest thing for you you're a little codependent with this guy yeah probably so you know starting a business does not mean you're in love um true but you probably felt like that when you did is that why i say that it's like we're starting a business together and we're in love well yeah i mean i was in love until last week. I mean, I still am in love, obviously, but. Yeah, but you should stop telling yourself that. He obviously was not. You should stop telling yourself that. I guarantee you the whole practice of like,

make that list of things he made you feel about yourself that might not have been positive. What did you love about it? Writing this out, writing like our relationship out actually did help a lot because I could see all these times where I was not consulted or respected enough to be consulted, I guess. I don't know. Yeah. How did he make you feel about how you guys communicated? Is it really good practice? Right.

Insecure. Yeah. So the person you said you're in love with made you feel insecure. Not super awesome. Probably not something that would be on your list of things you're looking for in a relationship. Definitely not. It would probably be easier to think of more of those things than it would to be, when was the last time you made you feel good, safe, comfortable, not confused?

Right. So I don't think it came out of nowhere and i don't think um you just got comfortable with telling yourself this is the person i'm in love with as opposed to really analyzing what you loved about the relationship how do you let go of um like the resentment in the sense that it takes time yeah i think yeah you just forgive him yeah bless it and release it hard yeah listen he's not a bad guy you did definitely did love him you had some great years you had some great life experiences with him it's raw right now he's not your guy it's going to take some, but don't spend a lot of energy being like, he fucking said this and did this.

You got to let those thoughts go. Be glad he's graduating from law school. Like don't like, you're not missing out. You know, there's a lot of lawyers out there if that's what you're looking for. You know, like,

I mean, I didn't get to take half his money, so that's depressing. Yeah. Well, let go of that. you know let go of those thoughts i mean honestly it's something it's sometimes as simple as like wishing him well and hope wanting the best for him you might not believe it right now but it really it does come

with time but like you gotta let it go it doesn't it's not gonna do anything for you it's not gonna make you feel better uh it's going to bring you together it's not going to play an impact on how well or how happy like the only thing that's going to make you feel better about how you like they said like best revenge is living well that's true like your actions matter what you do going forward your ability to date nothing he does right now is really matters anymore to you so you can think about it it's not going to get you anywhere but also do things that you guys did together by yourself and like yeah turn it into something different that really helped me i did started doing things by myself that i used to do

with somebody together and it just made it more empowering for myself yeah that way when you do it you're not like what we used to do yeah and it's like the memories replaced with how like you were strong and you did it by yourself and you didn't need that person around to do it with you yeah yeah i i just i'm about to graduate in four weeks so i've decided to move back to dc where i was happiest and just yeah do what i want i think that's so i think it's an important time for you to take some time, maybe not jump back into dating, focus on, be a little selfish right now. And, and when you have these thoughts of resentment and anger,

just acknowledge them and don't go down that path. Like, you know, stop talking to your friends. Like, stop talking to your friends and bitch about him and have them be like, yeah, he fucking sucks. You know, like, that's not going to do you any good. Like, that's their job. He probably, you know, and he doesn't. He's just a guy, you know, and I'm sure he said things that hurt your feelings.

Yeah, he really doesn't, yeah. You know, you didn't, you're a little hurt, but it doesn't do you any good making him out to be a monster in your mind and have your friends all think he sucks. It's just let it, let it. Yeah. Blessed and released it. Okay.

All right. That's what I'll try to do. Yeah. You can do it. It's a little raw right now. It's allowed, like, it's okay to say you're hurt i definitely am yeah don't pretend that you're not you know and don't try to sugarcoat it sometimes sometimes we like to dismiss our hurt by being like i mean i'm hurt but like i'm gonna

be a better person from this and like okay great okay, great, maybe, but let's just, you know. Move through it. Get through it. Acknowledge it. And so that you just don't mask it with other things, you know. So that way you can. Yeah, no, I'm definitely sad. Yeah.

But acknowledge that sadness and then focus on what you can do as opposed to harness it by being like, I'm mad at him. You know, just be careful where you let your thoughts go. I will try to do that. Easier said than done, but I will try. I know, but it's possible. And you're going to catch yourself, but, like, find those things. You know, think about things that you did wrong, you know think about think think about things that you did wrong you know focus maybe on your

energy about times that maybe you weren't listening or or you weren't you weren't listening to yourself you weren't listening to your gut or things where we look back and it felt not great but you just ignored it you know think about those things those are the things you can learn from you can control that there's lots that you can learn about yourself going forward. Again, his actions right now aren't going to help you at all. But processing the things he said that he didn't follow through with aren't going to really do anything for you. But you can do a lot through evaluating what you might have done differently and help you in the future. I will do that.

All right? Yeah. All right. Thank you. Best of luck. Thanks, Jamie. You're going to be fine. I hope.

I know. I know. You will. All right. Bye-bye. Bye. Well, thanks for listening, guys. Wow.

Thank you to our callers. Yes. Thank you for sharing. Just remember, in these early dating situations, it's getting into the weeds a little bit. Pay attention to their answers. Sometimes when it sounds all so nice. Yeah.

I wrote that one down. It's not. Listen to the answers. I wrote that down. Listen to the answers. It was good advice. Yeah. I wrote that one down. It's not. Listen to the answers. I wrote that down. Listen to the answers. It was good advice. Yeah. You can tell a lot by what somebody says, how they react.

Listen to the answers. We don't listen to the answers often. No. At all. No. It's a good one. Yeah. So do that.

Do that. Listen to the answers. Who do we have on Wednesday? We have Garcelle. god you're gonna want to check that out hey it's so good uh a wonderful actor actress i don't i don't know what we she's done everything actor actress reality tv she's been in on it all she funded you know i mean we just talk about sex with her. So much sex. I'm just going to put it out there. It's brilliant. It was great.

A lot of people know her from Real Housewives these days. Anyways, it's fun. It's sexual. It's hot. It is hot. It's steamy. She was a delight to talk to. Tune in.

And... If you're in the car with kids, maybe... Maybe not have kids. Yeah, maybe with the kids. I don't know. Maybe not have the kids in the car. maybe not have the kids. Yeah, maybe with the kids. I don't know. Maybe not have the kids in the car. Maybe not the time. But yeah.

And just remember, there is no GOAT episode, no Batch or Recap tomorrow. So if you're looking for something to do, why don't you go ahead and entertain yourself with Nick V Talks Trash TV and listen to me and my exes just really get into it. You'll have so much fun. I promise. I love you. Thanks for supporting.