The Viall Files - E167 Ask Nick - My Sexuality is Not a Gateway Drug

Episode Date: August 24, 2020

Open relationships and making sure the open lifestyle is being considered for the right reasons is the first conversation on today's episode of Ask Nick. Is making sure that you are the right person for your boyfriend a reason to open it up? Picking someone because they are great on paper- but there is no spark- is the next topic we tackle. Then, we speak with a woman who is dating a friend who is stable and whose company she enjoys, but who also isn't feeling a spark. Deciding between having a great companion or finding a great love is her dilemma. We then speak to a woman about the stereotypes she faces as a bi-sexual woman trying to date, and finally what to do when your friend drops you every time they get into a relationship. “That is not an entry level item.” Thank you for sending in your questions, we love hearing from you. Send all your relationship questions to [e-mail] and as always, make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode. THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: LIQUID IV: liquidiv.com CODE: VIALL to get 25% off ARTICLE: article.com/viall for $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more BRUUSH: bruush.com CODE: VIALL to get 15% off your Brüush kit  Episode Socials: Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what is going on everybody happy monday to you all uh if you haven't figured out my name is nick it's an ask nick episode joined by chrissy that's me my name is chrissy how are you i'm good actually my name's chris but i heard you went to jonathan's new pool over the weekend i did and i went to go visit jonathan bennett in palm springs and james how was that it did not suck great they're great hosts it was fun to hang out with friends i tried an olive off their front yard tree it was disgusting i don't think i did anything exciting No I tried that Tinder date It didn't go well

Well shit happens Moving on next one It's alright you know keep You swung and missed I swung and missed It's fine Great episode for you today Some really fascinating callers

We got some uh yeah i don't know it's fascinating it is fascinating thank you guys for listening uh thanks for sending your questions we always need more well we always need keep it spicy i know there's someone listening who's thought about should i I tell my story? Should I let my freak flag fly? There's no judgment. Come in, talk about it. Be anonymous. And we always appreciate you guys

sharing your story. So thank you. And if you're looking for some amazing hot tea and bachelor reality TV conversation, check out my Patreon. Everyone's loving. I'm just letting you guys know because i know you've checked it out i know you've thought of signing up you've been

like i don't know but everyone's loving it and i just i don't want you dear listener to miss out that's i'm just saying i don't it's for you not for me it has nothing to do with the fact i just bought a house and i'm trying not to nothing to do with it whatsoever I'm trying like it's either this or OnlyFans I mean wait what's OnlyFans you just get naked I think isn't it we're not there yet are we I hope you're not

there yet are you anyways check it out it is really good and we got some some great stuff coming up I know you will love it. Other than that, let's just get to our call. How's it going? Good.

How are you? Good. What's your name? So my name is Paulina and I'm from Dallas. So basically, oh, I'm 25. So basically, I guess I'll just get right to it. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over three years now. And like we have like a really good relationship, like good communication and stuff. Um, but basically I'm his first girlfriend. And so like, since we've

been dating for a little while now, people have been asking us like, okay, like when are y'all going to get married and stuff? And like, we're not like in a rush or anything, but like just having people ask me that kind of made me wonder like, oh, like since I've been his only girlfriend, like, does he want to try and date someone else? Like before we like take that next step, you know, cause I like want him to be sure and stuff. And so I asked him about it a little bit ago and he was like, well, yeah, like I'm a little bit curious. Um, and so we decided that we would try an open relationship and like basically just like he could go on dates and stuff um and just like nothing physical just like kind of date and see

like if he found a connection with anyone else um and then after that like quarantine happened and like he got on the apps for a little bit but didn't have like a lot of luck um and like dating is just weird right now so like i guess my question is once things hopefully go back to normal like should we try to stay in an open relationship and like keep dating and i don't know i guess is this i don't really know where to go from here why do you want so if i'm understanding correctly, you have this boyfriend, which you love and everything overall seems happy and good. Yeah.

Everything's really happy and stuff. But like, so I've like dated people before. And so I pretty much like, I think I know like what I'm looking for, but since he hasn't really dated anyone, like I want him to like be sure before we take the next step. So you're not on the he's he's he's doing this but you're not well so he told me he was like if you want to like obviously you're totally fine to do that and so like i got on the apps for a little bit and i got some matches but like i didn't really feel like messaging any of the guys and so like after two weeks i just like got

off and out of curiosity just left it at that. Out of curiosity. So this conversation happened before quarantine and quarantine happens and everyone's kind of. Yeah. Yeah. How are things between you two during that period? Like during quarantine period? Yeah. Oh, I mean, it's been.

Oh, like everything's still been fine. Like we still have a good relationship. Like, we don't really fight that much. And, like, when we do, like, we can work through things. Like, it wasn't anything that, like, kind of. Who keeps bringing this up? You? Him?

Both of us? I don't know. I mean, it depends. Like, sometimes I'll bring it up. Sometimes he'll bring it up. I don't know. sometimes i'll bring it up sometimes he'll bring it up i don't know um i feel like what you guys are doing almost could sound like really mature and progressive but i think quite honestly it comes from a place of immaturity and and and insecurity um okay from maturity standpoint listen it's great that you have this

what this perspective of like hey let's let's be real like there's other people you could be attracted to and maybe i'm just your first and that's great but that's an insecurity speaking up about yourself about wanting to make sure he you know has had all this variety and chose you as opposed to like he's just doesn't know any better okay that's an insecurity that you must have i mean yeah you're probably right i guess and then you being girlfriend gave him this option to like maybe meet other women. So he's like, cool, sure. You know, and maybe because he is, you know, some guys might get insecure about that, but it sounds like he maybe is also has a in a mature way. But like, yeah, maybe I haven't.

Maybe I should tap into that but but it also doesn't sound like you guys have this like burning desire to do that yet or the relationship isn't stale in a sense i guess what i'm saying is if you're asking me without knowing a ton about you guys i would table that for a later date. I mean, people in open relationships are in open relationships because that whole concept is fine to them. It doesn't matter if they're dating

or engaged or married. It's about trust between the two people. It's about trust between the two people. It's about, you know, communication. It's about exploring things. And so all the people I know, and I don't know a ton, but all the people I do know in open relationships, a lot of them are married and some of them are in very serious relationships. This idea that you're doing it to like serve some sort of long-term purpose

to make sure you guys are truly in love with each other doesn't seem like that's what open relationships should really be about well i guess that's kind of like part of the issue too is i don't even necessarily know if i want to get married but well that's a whole different issue and that's fine you are only 25 so just date the guy and and see where it goes listen if you guys want to invite it being an open relationship but i feel like that's something you do later in life when you know maybe you are just kind of bored of having sex with the same person or you know i don't think that's just the case i think some people just start a relationship and they're always in an open relationship right but you guys yeah it just seems i don't think it should be based off

insecurities of money to make sure okay all the people i know in open relationships are incredibly confident with one another's feelings towards each other they have no questions about like how much their partner loves them and vice versa they are really on the same page they have a lot of trust they're very confident in that person's feelings towards them i mean i don't think i i don't i definitely am confident that like we both love each other that's like i don't think that's really like my question i guess i just like i don't i don't know if like because i've dated people before and so i think i i kind of like no and so i don't you keep saying that and i don't want to at risk of sounding condescending you are only 25 and even if you

dated you know you may maybe 10 or like you are you might you might and i don't know if you will be you might be a different person in five years you will be a different person how different i don't know you are going to evolve and your wants and needs might change right like i'm just simply saying you guys could get married tomorrow and at 30 you wake up and be like i don't like you at all yeah you can't predict the future right so you keep saying like well i've dated some people so i know what i want you do right now maybe maybe he knows what he wants you're being kind of kind of sending to him to suggest that he doesn't know what he wants just because he hasn't fucked as many people as you have you know i i see i see what you mean yeah so and i do this a lot i i can

be you know i think for other people like you know i well if i've done this and then you have to do that and right it doesn't always work that way right right i guess i'm always just trying to think like five steps ahead and so i'm like i get that okay like hey if we're yeah uh i get i don't know i get that and i can relate and I understand. And so use this open-mindedness that you guys both seem to have, I think is a really interesting and cool thing. And it might serve the relationship well in the future. Okay. I don't know if it's something you guys really need in the moment.

I mean, if you guys are enjoying each other and having a good time and having fun and having good sex and generally aren't getting annoyed with each other, having a good time and having fun and having good sex and generally aren't getting annoyed with each other that's that's good that's yeah enjoy that you know yeah a lot of people are looking for that so so be fine with it you know you might have opened pandora's box with him if if if if your biggest need is making sure he's okay assume he's okay okay until he's not until he's not if he all of a sudden starts being like well i kind of would like to well maybe you then opened up pandora's box and maybe maybe then

you kind of almost have to let them explore that. Or you also have the right to be like, change my mind. You know, that at any moment people can change their points of view in a relationship. Right. But. Yeah. You know, sometimes don't get in the trouble of being like, I'm so open minded and so progressive. I'm like the chillest person ever. And then all of a sudden he's doing all this shit. you're just like what what what's going on here uh yeah i don't know

if you're there yet but yeah i i just don't know if if the the reasons why you've gotten yourself into the situation are necessarily for the best reasons but i mean what would be like a good reason then i guess just like as you guys are in a very you are in a relationship that's built on a lot of trust and communication you're both equally confident in how each other feels about the other person you're not as confident but the fact you know you are worried that he there's a party that's worried that a big reason why he's with you is because he doesn't know any better. And that might be 100% in your head, but that's still, and I think that's an insecurity you have. So you got to figure out how to get over that. Him fucking other girls and coming back to you might not be the most productive way.

It could, I mean, I don't know, it could work. I don't, yeah, i don't disagree with you i mean i think the reason why i'm probably insecure is because like my last like three boyfriends i've been like their first girlfriend i don't know if that's just like my type i don't know i mean listen it could fast like listen it's all it's i'm not saying it won't work it just it is a risk and maybe you are willing to have that risk maybe maybe there's something very intoxicating about him you you you being in control you giving him permission to go out with this girl and do whatever he wants and maybe he has sex with another girl and he comes back and he's like all i was thinking about was

you and that might if you're not a gel it might make you feel like really fucking good i don't know it might not if i had to guess i don't know this guy but you might be if there's an alpha in this relationship not to take anything away from him you might be it maybe yeah um so he's like i don't know she's fucking telling me to do this maybe i should because you're the one who's always telling him what to do um i don't think i tell him i'm not saying you are i don't know but he's also a dude he's just like i don't know does your girlfriend like you fuck other girls because mine does like i mean it he is a guy too he's a 25 year old guy who's who hasn't held yeah i mean listen the truth is yes are there other women he'll be attracted to 100 that's not a question yeah so and that's like yeah that's whatever like i feel like i'm not gonna be like no you like can't look at like other girls you know i'm not that's So, and that's like, yeah, that's whatever. Like, I feel like I'm not going to be like,

no, you like can't look at like other girls, you know, I'm not. That's the thing too. It's like you're, you're introducing doubt in his mind. It's that classic case.

Be like, I don't know. You're just like so hot. I just don't know if I'm hot enough for you. It's like, babe, you're totally hot enough for me. And then you just say it over and over.

And you're just like, you know what? Maybe, maybe I am too hot for them. I don't know. They tell me all the time yeah so like you're just like well maybe there's other girls for you maybe there's other girls for you and he's just like i don't i'm pretty happy with you and you keep telling him there's other girls for him okay i mean you yeah you're definitely right you like pretty much nailed it right in the head so so if sometime like down the road you guys are in this relationship and very happy and

very comfortable with each other, you want to explore an open relationship because it brings some sort of excitement and this connection that you guys could experience because it really is about you guys. And you're just inviting this third person in that's in no way going to have the connection you two have. Then great. Go explore that. this third person in that's in no way going to have the connection you two have then great go explore that but do it for that reason not to like fucking poke holes in each other's sincerity

okay and i think that like i think both of us in the future like i do think we like want to like explore so i think that might be something that may be down the road but i see what you mean like do it for those reasons not for like trying to be like controlling and stuff totally okay okay all right sounds good thanks thanks for taking the time yeah my pleasure best of luck okay thanks all right bye-bye bye i think most of you know this but my brother is a dentist. Really? Yeah. You have a brother and a sister for everything. And if I could have my dentist brother clean my teeth every day, I would. But he lives in Eau Claire, Wisconsin, which is a whole nother story. But the next best thing for me is my bruche.

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you order when you use promo code V-I-A-L-L at liquidiv.com. Start feeling your adventures today at liquidiv.com, promo code V-I-A-L-L. Get hydrated, people. How's it going? Hello, I'm Diana. I'm 28. I live in Toronto. Hi, Diana. How can I help? Sorry? I said, hi, Diana. How can I help? Oh, hi. I guess my question. So I got out of a breakup in January. I got out of a breakup in january i got a relationship in january and um it was a serious whatever relationship all the things anyways quarantine tried to get back on the

dating serious whatever like who broke up with who uh well i'm like over it i think um yeah it doesn't he broke up with you pardon he broke up with you yes okay it was surprising but like you try and move on whatever it is what it is right you can't can't do anything so trying to date trying to get out there joined a couple apps um i have a friend who has been like we've gone out a couple times over the past few years. We always try something and then maybe it doesn't work. Maybe it does. It never works. Anyways, I'm wondering if there needs to be sparks or chemistry to continue dating somebody.

Are you dating this guy? We've gone out a couple times and I'm genuinely trying like in my mind to like, like on paper, he's like the perfect person. Okay. And in theory it should work. What, what,

what does that mean? Why? Just like all of the things, all of the boxes, all of the, you know, everything just would make sense in theory, but there's no,

like, you don't like, you know, when you're with someone, you want want to be excited to see them you want to be like eager to see them again why so but this is this has been going on with this guy for some time now so you you hung out with him before your last boyfriend who broke up with you yes and he really likes you apparently yeah, yeah. He says he does. Has that always been the case? I think so. Does he know how you feel about him, which is like... Indifferent?

Yeah. Lukewarm? I think so. I know it's super unfair, but I'm just wondering, like, I know it's unfair, so do I even try or do I, why do you want to try? What's the reasons for trying?

Because like I said, like in theory, I'm 28, like in theory, all of the things sound good. What does, I don't know what that means. You know what it means.

It just means like, I really don't. Well, like, like if I, like, I want to settle down, I want to have a family. Yeah. But I also want to be excited about a person.

I want to. Well, there's a couple of things. I mean, your excitement that you are about someone is valid. I think we all want to be excited. I mean, in terms of that excitement eventually will wear down, so to speak, and, you know, especially when you're talking about getting married and having kids and starting a family. But you also want, are you physically attracted to this person? Okay, so no. So that's not perfect. I mean, that's the thing.

It's like you're getting antsy you know uh you were when this other guy broke up with you how long were you actually alone for how long were we sorry when this other guy broke up with you in january all right how long were you alone for um well it i'm still alone so like actually but like were you have you ever been content with being alone oh yeah i was single before him for five years okay yeah all right so it's not that no um i mean i think about it like sorry someone told me that like you know it's not all romantic comedies and you don't always feel excited and butterflies and you know it's not all of that was that him trying to convince you to like him no no it was actually my uncle um and i get that he said at some point you have to make the decision to just be loyal to a person and be happy.

And you make that decision and you move forward. I mean, do you? To me, that seems unfair. To me, that seems like, meh. Listen, the truth is people get together for all sorts of reasons. Yeah. for all sorts of reasons. Yeah.

Some people have more of a understanding or a very practical relationship. Some people don't. It's not for me. It doesn't sound like it's for you. But the important thing here is, you're just getting impatient. You probably aren't totally over this last relationship which is totally fine uh you've found comfort in this in this friend who's nice and nice to be

around and he uh for the most part does a great job of of filling in that gap that your ex left, right? And he's fun to see movies with, come over, watch movies, hang out, just kind of play the role of boyfriend, which for the most part is fine. It's nice. And you probably enjoy being around him. But clearly it's missing something and you are only 28.

Can I ask a question? Sure. Are you physical with him? No. Not now, but you have been. With him? No, we've only ever kissed once. Even that, it sounds like you want to throw up in your mouth.

Pardon? Even saying that, you want to throw up in your mouth. I mean, I don't know why this is a discussion as far as this other person. You're right. You're absolutely right. You know, I wouldn't, I'd make it very clear to him. I mean, it's fine to hang out with him. It's fine to even let him, you know, fill that role as long as he knows that it's never going to happen.

going to happen um you know and uh don't uh yeah just but don't try to deal with your ex and and keep you might not meet someone till you're 30 i don't know that's fair i love stylish modern comfortable furniture that's a good thing Because Article is kicking ass in that department. If you are looking, they have great outdoor furniture, indoor furniture, tables, couches, sectionals. It combines the curation of a boutique furniture store with the comfort and simplicity of shopping online. True that. True that.

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Go to article.com slash V-I-A-L-L and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout. That's article.com slash V-I-A-L-L to get $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. But it seems kind of insane to go, oh, well, you're here and you seem fine i guess we should date i know i know and that's what i mean like it feels unfair but also feels unfair to me as much as i that's what i'm yeah i mean listen everyone has those thoughts i've had that thought of like you know what do i just like pick someone just right um yeah i I wouldn't worry too much about it. Don't waste a lot of time with this other person, you know, trying to make something into something that's not just because you're lonely or bored or because your uncle thinks you just need to pick someone.

I'm sure he's nice uh you want to be attracted to someone whether that's their physical appearance or their their essence or or something about them you like just just not being a dick and wanting to have kids is not probably enough for anyone yeah so yeah you're right thank Thank you. All right. Thank you so much. All right. No problem. How's it going? Hi, I'm Emily. Um, I'm 27. Um, and I wanted to talk to you, um, because I'm bisexual and usually that's not too much of an issue. But I've noticed that when I date straight men, sometimes it seems uncomfortable for them. And I try not to present it as a cancer diagnosis.

It's not a big deal. not to like present it as like a cancer diagnosis. It's not a big deal. But I've noticed that like sometimes for them, I feel like it can come up early on. I usually try to bring it up more casually and I feel like often it's either interpreted as like either a red flag, like I'm not going to want to commit or like they're like way too excited. Like they're like, okay, like they're like okay like let's have a threesome right now and i'm like that is not an entry-level item like we are like very

early on like why are you bringing that up like you would not bring that up with a straight girl my sexuality is not a gateway drug to you right and so but it just it happens a fair enough amount and like these are like progressive people they're not like these are not guys that was a question i had too yeah i mean you're yeah you're you're calling from new york it's not like yeah like i don't think of these as like homophobic people but like i'm always like i'm often like surprised and like i think to a certain extent like it's a nice natural filter but i also wonder like if it's's partly the way that I'm bringing things up or if there's something that I can do. How do you bring it up? Usually, I try not to have this grand coming out moment. like, you know, if we're talking about people we've dated in the past, or if somebody says,

like, oh, when's the last time you were in a relationship? Or, like, I don't know, like, a COVID question I've gotten is, like, have you gone on a date during COVID? And, like, the last person I dated before COVID was a woman. And so, like, it does come up. And I, or a very, and then, like, a very common follow-up question is like are you more into women or men and that's kind of the i think it's a well-meaning question but the premise of it is not something that resonates with me and so i just don't what i mean what do you mean just the people listening just yeah just let's be, there's a lot of people who have that question. I have bisexual friends. I don't ask them those questions, but I sometimes see them date more men or women. So then there's a general assumption. Maybe that's just luck of the draw in terms of who they're meeting kind of thing. But there's a lot of ignorance around this topic so for you it is it just a matter of yeah you meet happy to talk about like any aspect of being bisexual basically like i feel

like there's not enough out there about it can i ask you a question as a woman who's bisexual do you feel like you're unfairly um do you think there's a lot of unfair uh stereotypes about your sexuality specifically as a bisexual woman oh totally and like there's there's like i would say more than anything there's just assumptions there's just a lot of assumptions made about like who i am what's important to me what i'm looking for and like some of them are true like sometimes it's true sometimes it's not what are some true and untrue stereotypes i mean and it also like i think an important thing to like i feel like i should preface everything i'm going to say with like i can talk about like what it means for me to be bisexual but like sure it means

something different for like every single person and a lot of my friends are bisexual um which just I think it's just like how I've met my friends and um and like we are all so different and like all of us would answer these questions totally differently but like for instance like when people ask me about like threesomes I'm like I'm not interested now that you've brought that up on a first date now that now that you've brought that up in that way like not interested but like it's not inherently something I'm not interested in but like it's something that like takes a ton of communication it's not this like casual thing to bring up like i think there are some people who think it's casual and like i'm happy for those people but for me it's

like there's a ton of trust involved in something like that sure so you're just saying you're a normal person yeah because like normal people regardless of your sexuality might be interested in the possibility of exploring the threesome at some point in their lives, but they find it to be a little abrupt. I don't want to speak for women, but if I were to guess that guys being the horny guys are like, I mean, I will have a threesome whenever you want versus like a woman saying, I'm open to it. But yes, if your objective is to have a threesome on the first date then maybe you're not looking for a relationship and so regardless of your sexuality you're saying you're just a normal person who may at some point be into it yeah and I think I'm just trying to

figure out like if there are ways that like I can handle it where like i will be taken more seriously than in others like if there are some ways that like i mean and and i have queer friends who i've talked to this about but like i am kind of interested in like a guy's perspective honestly because there is definitely a stereotype when it comes to women being bisexual with some of with guys i think some guys when they hear bisexual from women they don't think oh well you're also into women they think oh she's she's into some weird shit like she might and i think that's why you're getting that question from from guys early on the invitation what they what they think is an invitation to like turn it up a notch in terms of like oh so you're into threesomes on the invitation, what they think is an invitation to like turn it up a notch in terms

of like, oh, so you're into threesomes on the first date. And I'm not saying this is right. And I'm not speaking for all men, but there's definitely an unfair perception from guys about that. And I think that comes from this level of comfort that men have seen women do with one another, whether it's like to get guys excited to, you know, there's just this level of comfort they see from women who identify as straight. And then they, and then it kind of muddies the waters, if that makes any sense. Does that make any sense? Does that make any sense? Did I make any sense? Yeah, no.

You know, stories like that over time that almost I feel like creates this unfair stereotype towards women who identify as bisexual, who have had relationships with women and relationships with men, who like it's about the relationship it's not about the sex it's not about the i mean the sex is a part of the

relationship you know what i'm saying right like it doesn't register that they can just be monogamous with a with a male and monogamous with a female and it's just a regular relationship to some people they automatically think of it in a sex way instead of a relationship way. Yes, I think that's true of a lot of men. And quite frankly, my position has changed only because I have women friends who are bisexual and I've had these conversations with them. And I'm like, yeah, I guess that's true. What an ignorant way for me to have thought

back in the day when it was just like, and I think it's just because, you know, we all have ignorant thoughts because of what we see in our daily lives. And we identify that with them as normal, even though it's more comes from a place of curating our world or coming from a more of an isolated world. coming from a more of an isolated world. I think in your case, a ways to try to circumvent that is almost, you know, it sounds like you want to be open. Like, this is who I am. I'm fine with who I am. I'm proud of who I am. I'm not. And I want whoever I'm dating, guy or girl, to know who I am. I get all that. But when it comes to guys and going on dates with guys, I don't think there's anything wrong with holding information back a little bit longer than you

otherwise would. Just because men aren't dumb, simple sexual creatures, progressive or not, I think. And you're going to create that bias that comes in. You know, I wish there was a world where I could be like, yeah, that's just the minority of men. And you're never, I just think there's a lot of ignorance in that topic. There's a lot of stereotypes that still come out. So don't feel like you need to bring it up all the time. Why do you need to bring it up on a first date?

That's the thing. It's like, usually like I need to bring it up all the time. Why do you need to bring it up on a first date? That's the thing. It's like, usually, like, I'm not bringing it up. Like, it's not me saying, like, all right, I have something to tell you. It's like an answer to a question. Here's the way I look at it. Yeah, but be vague. Here's the way I look at it. I like to think I'm a pretty understanding guy.

I've gotten more understanding as I've gotten older and dated different types of women and been in situations where as you live life, you become less judgmental of other people because you've experienced more things. So like in order to be less judgmental with yourself,

you know, you're just like, well, yeah, I used to think that was crazy, but then I did it so it's not so crazy anymore. And what I'm saying is if I were to date a woman, right? And let's say she was just not lying, but she just was not like specifically open about every sexual partner, specifically maybe her interest in women right away. about every sexual partner, specifically maybe her interest in women right away.

And then let's say on date five or six where things were really progressing and we were, something like this was going somewhere and she sat me down. She said, hey, listen, I want to tell you something. I'm bisexual. Do you have any questions? You know, kind of thing. Yeah.

I wouldn't be like, why the fuck did you not tell me you were hiding something from me? And maybe you said like, listen, did you not tell me you were hiding something from me and maybe you said like listen i didn't tell you because i found that when i was open about this right away these are reactions i had and i wasn't saying that i didn't know anything about you and i just wanted to get to a place where i felt comfortable and now i feel comfortable with you and that's why i'm telling you i would be like oh wow thanks for telling me and yeah, I have some questions and let's talk. And I wouldn't make her feel judged. And what I'm saying is if a guy has a reaction that's negative down the road because you didn't tell him right away, then he's just kind of a dick anyways. Like this idea that, yo, why didn't you share this with me?

It's like, I don't know. I fucking barely knew you. We've been on five dates like there's no playbook that says at date three or four you need to open everything up about yourself and then you know all your secrets and you have a right to like tell people what you want to tell them at a pace in which you want to tell them especially before defining any relationship i mean yeah eventually before you define the relationship, you should be honest with this. But some people take fucking years to define a relationship nowadays

if you haven't listened to this podcast. You know, it's like, I haven't dated her for like 13 months and like, I'm pretty sure we should only hang out. So in that case, like, why do you need to tell them, you know, about every little thing? You know, save that for someone that you, like, as you get to know this guy,

he doesn't say those types of things. And, you know, listen, or he's just willing to, like, have a discussion with you so that if he maybe thinks more in kind of an ignorant way or just kind of, you know, just, like, listen, guys say things. And I'm not saying it's okay, but, you know, just like, listen, guys say things and I'm not saying it's okay, but

you know, just because he might have an ignorant point of view about you being a woman who's bisexual doesn't mean he couldn't be enlightened, but find out if it's a guy who you think is willing to be enlightened over time. You know what I'm saying? Does that make sense? No, it does make sense. So if you are willing to talk to them and enlighten them about why you're there or who you are, that's entirely up to you. I don't feel like you should feel the pressure to do that with every guy, knowing that it just might not be normal for them.

So the question is, do you want to waste time with guys? And there's a lot of them, probably the majority of guys who it's still not they're still not familiar familiar with what what bisexual means for women that they might date right they think of bisexual as like a i don't know what they think but they they i think a lot of straight men are still not like totally don't totally understand what it means to potentially date a bisexual woman you know i think that's the question i need to be asking myself is how much i want to put up with yeah and i think you you know how much do you want to put up with how much you know i think it takes a progressive guy and like not only a guy who it just takes a guy who's like willing to have a conversation

and i think you're off the bat you're right you can you're you it's going to take a guy that wouldn't be so defensive of you saying pretty early on listen i want to tell you this about me but like i'm going to be honest and i don't want to sound like a jaded angry person but like i get a lot of the same cliche questions and i would really not like to have to answer right now so like i get yeah that you might not know but like do you mind we not getting in it right away you know i really like that and if a guy's like gets defensive about that then he just might you know he's just not your guy there's a vibe right so you'll you'll sense it you'll feel it whether a guy is this wants to talk to you because he thinks it's neat that he's talking to a bisexual woman or or he has some questions he wants to get to

know you but there's a time and a place but he's more focused about getting to know you best of luck sorry thank you okay all right take care you too all right bye bye how's it going I'm good how are you good how can I help oh wait I'm sorry what's your name I'm Olivia and I'm 22 hi Olivia 22 how can I help um so I have this friend we've known each other since high school and it's never been romantic or anything like that but it's this friend of male or female he's a guy okay um he used to date my best friend back in high school and the three of us were pretty close but ever since they broke up and even now into being an adult, every time that he like dates someone or is like in a relationship, he just like stops talking to me, but then doesn't tell me

it's because he's dating someone. He just like stops responding. And then I find out on social media, oh, it's because he's dating someone. And I've always found that really weird because we've never dated each other and like there's never been feelings there for me so it's like can you not control yourself enough to like have a friend who's a girl while you're in a relationship at the same time and then once they break up then he hits me up again and we're talking and we're fine. And it's like nothing happened. Yeah. I don't, I get the confusion.

And I don't think it means that he must have feelings for you. And therefore he can't separate like feelings for you versus feelings for this new girl. It, you, you still kind of feel this role as a as a woman even like my platonic women friends um especially as a single person like it's not the same as hanging out with my boys you know right even though i don't want to make out with them i don't want to hook up with them at all we're totally friends it's not the same as hanging out with my guy friends we have different conversations um it's just different and quite frankly a lot of the times we spend time together would be like you know things i would do with a girlfriend right if i had one right so when he gets a girlfriend especially young love if you will

you you just don't have time for anyone else you just kind of you probably go over a little overboard the honeymoon phase and friends sometimes get put on the wayside even buddies sometimes that happens too. But definitely girlfriends, platonic girlfriends are the first to get put on the sideline for sure. Yeah. He's told me before in years past, when I'm with someone, I don't talk to any other girls, period. And I was like, I know. But it's not like that.

And he's like, I don't care. I just do that because I don't want to talk to anyone else when i'm in a relationship and i was like yeah okay whatever so i mean that's that is probably a very honest thing he's saying and right you can disagree with whether that's mature or or practical or whatever and you could be right all those things that's just how he's deciding to go about it so what i'm saying is his explanation is you know maybe it's because he just grew up in a traditional mindset i i want to be this great boyfriend and i don't want to create confusions and he i don't want to have conversations with my new girlfriend about like well she's just my friend and like don't worry and whatever he's

just like i'm the great boyfriend who's only gonna hang out with my girlfriend and you know what are you gonna do yeah i mean that makes sense except this time it was like really frustrating because we reconnected like um during covid like when everything was um everyone was staying home and no one was doing anything and we were talking a lot. And then it was like in June, he just stopped talking to me and he was like, Oh, I'm sorry. I've been working a lot. Like, and I was like, okay, that's fine. Like I get that. Don't worry. And then I just saw last week that actually for her to say he, he got married like very quickly right out of high school to this girl he was dating and they got divorced. Well, yeah yeah they got divorced and then they've been

they got back together just like dating and i just saw last week on facebook that he got back together with his ex-wife and i was like oh i was like so you weren't working a lot i was like that's what it was okay great thanks yeah listen uh i, you just might need to move on from this friend. I know, which is hard for me because I really care about him, but like it hurts. It hurts my feelings that like he does that, like especially because neither one of us like feel that way, but then to not even give me a heads up and just be like, Hey,

like I'm dating this girl and like, I don't think should talk like that's totally fine i get that but to just like not say anything and we just not hear anything from you and then like oh you break up with this person or you divorce your wife and then like oh now you can talk to me okay i get it and it sucks friends use each other and i don't even mean that as a negative way i know that sometimes when i'm i have plenty of women friends that i'm platonic friends with right and when they're single i hear from them more often when then they're not and i know they hang out with me and and because like i'm just great to hang out with but but what i'm saying is like there's no there's no like nothing's gonna happen they know nothing is going to happen

but i'm still i think for some of them so filling this role of like boyfriend does that make sense at all they're not thinking about it they're not saying well like they're not wanting to be i'm just it's a different dynamic and they're using me in a sense i know like i don't mean that and like i'm being used but like we friends play roles in our lives this particular friendship is a bit one-sided and it is too selfish right because like sometimes that can happen from time to time and sometimes you know i can even be i've said to friends it's like well fuck man like i get that you have a boyfriend now but like it would be nice to hang out with you and i know that maybe i'm a little used felt a little used but like and that's okay sometimes sometimes he's got to be there for a friend you know like you kind of selflessly are there but this particular friendship and this particular guy there's no balance right

there's no he comes and goes whenever it's there's a repetitive pattern and this kind of most kind of toxic behavior on himself like you know like chances are this rekindling with his ex there's a good chance it won't work out you I mean, it didn't the last two times. Fine. And when it does, he'll probably come back in. You know what I'm saying? Without any disregard for the coming and leaving and how it impacts you. So sometimes as friends, we can use each other, right?

And sometimes it feels a little bit one-sided. And once in a while, that's okay. And sometimes you communicate with friends saying, wow, man, I just felt a little used there or it felt like, yeah. And the other friend's like, you know, you're right. I'm sorry. I was being a little selfish. And I understand that. I'll try not to do that. Like, that's what happens in friendships. You communicate, you talk, but you're communicating this and he's basically saying, so what, this is what I do. And he, and you know, to some degree you're, he's giving you, you know, I'm not saying it's okay, but he is being honest at least and avoiding confusion. And he's telling you, this

is what he does. Yeah. Well, this time I was talking to him and I told him that I was like, it really hurts me when you do that. And he was like, I'm not going to do that again this time. I was like, yeah, I was like, okay, well, I'm hoping that you don't. And then he did. And I think you're right about maybe it being time to move on because. Yeah. I don't think it's going to change. I can't make him care about me if he doesn't. And that's just the truth. Yeah.

I also don't appreciate him lying and being like, oh, I've just been working so much lately. Like that might be true, but that was not the reason that you weren't talking to me. Fine. But that might be true. And you have a right to be mad, but it don't waste energy determined to get these answers. You know what I'm saying? Like he lied and what do you want? What's going to make you feel better? Him admitting it? Like, you know, he lied. Right. And you know know the reason he lied and i'm not saying it's okay but you're you're like well he lied he lied you know you keep going back to that as if like well i just i'm gonna move on from this friendship but i need to know why he lied it's like you know why yeah no you're right it's just very hard for me to cut ties with people that i care about

like i'm like such a loyal friend that it's like it really takes very hard for me to cut ties with people that I care about. I understand. I'm such a loyal friend that it really takes a lot for me to drop you. Yeah, I get that. I can relate to that. Loyalty means a lot to me. But if he's not willing to reciprocate that loyalty, then he's not going to be the last friend you lose. No. Friends come and go too sometimes. Not all friends are meant to be lifelong friends. Yeah. And i don't need to keep getting hurt if trying to keep a friend around that doesn't want to be there totally what was your question chrissy well i'm a girl right yeah i'm a girl and i have guy friends

and i have girlfriends and the way you sound is the way I sound when I care a little bit more for the guy than just a friend because if I have guy friends that are kind of like in and out and in and out and in and out or as Nick is saying just come kind of back and forth like you know like oh hey can you come hang my tv you know kind of fun like every once in a while like what's going on it's a different like i i don't have this like overwhelming like i'm so upset that he hurt my feelings because he was busy doing something else it doesn't bother me that much but if it's somebody that i have a little bit more of a like for then it bothers me a little bit do you think there's any chance that

you're suppressing some romantic feelings that you haven't allowed yourself to acknowledge because you assume he doesn't have them for you? I mean, maybe. I think that what I did feel was like such a long time ago in high school and then it was like he started dating my best friend. So it was like really not a thing and I got over that quick. But I think that just he has always told me that like I feel like a sister to him and I always felt like he felt like a brother to me and so it was

never like weird and romantic but to me I was like okay like it's just a deeper like kind of friendship then deeper how yeah as girls sometimes what we do is we kind of like guys try to like keep that person in our lives because we want them no matter what and we're like okay yeah you're my brother well the big question is is yeah like what would you say if he's like this might sound crazy i know i've said a lot of shit about brother and sister but i think i might love you and i know that's scary to even allow yourself because you'd be like, you, you probably not only to me, you're always like,

well, we're friends. We're friends. I just want you to know we're friends. I were totally friends. Ew. Cause it makes you the cool chick friend. Yeah.

Or, or you're just like afraid to admit that maybe we'll, you know, well, he thinks of me as a sister and I want to fuck him. Yeah. Been there. Um,

but yeah, but either way, uh, Yeah. Been there. But yeah. But either way, he doesn't value your friendship or relationship or whatever it is the same way you want him to. And there has been a consistent pattern that's not going to change. No, you're 100% right. And I need to like realize that and then be okay moving on and not.

Frankly, my biggest fear for you is that if you get the courage to leave and then things don't work out with his ex and he gets bored and lonely, complacent and thinks the only way he can get you back in his life is to like cross that bridge. Chris, he probably knows what I'm talking about here. And then convince you that there's like a chance that there's something there but deep down there really isn't he just doesn't want to be lonely yeah and then he'll fuck you up for four more years i call it the save the best for last complex the vanessa williams complex

it's like you sit there and you stick around because you're hoping eventually he'll get through all these people and eventually he'll be like oh my god the person that i wanted was right there in front of me i saved the best for last it's it's yeah i it's a whole i think that i'd be a little bit better at like pushing that off because i i didn't mention either because it's like adds more complications to the story but with his ex-wife he has two kids and so since i'm 22 i'm like listen how old is he he's like 22 23 there's a lot going on in his life early yeah i know so being 22 i'm like listen i'm not i'm not trying to be anyone's stepmom yet so like that's an easy like way for me to be like um yeah listen i i think you really should let this guy go um for all the reasons we've discussed i think you should you to be like, um, yeah, listen, I think you really should let this guy go.

Um, for all the reasons we've discussed, I think you should want to be someone's first choice, not their last. And there's no like overcomplicated reason of why, you know, he's just, listen,

you were close with him. You've clearly invest a lot of time with him. He means a lot to you. Those are all okay things. There's nothing to want, you know, you don't have to be like, I want to think of you it's a he played a nice role he's a nice guy for the most part with some baggage and some shit that he has to deal with too but just say goodbye and and mourn the loss of a friend and recognize that it's just that he's taking up too much space for someone that you're just friends with.

And if he decides to have more than those feelings, it's probably not coming from a place, a way you want someone to fall in love with you. This guy has a lot going on and he's probably going to be playing catch up for most of his 20s. And by catch up, I mean like he just,

it sounds like he does things and then thinks later and then reacts. And it's just like, it's just going to be, chances are this guy is going to have a very messy twenties. Oh, I would agree with that. So do you want to be a part of that mess? Or do you want to just be like,

I was friends with this really nice guy for a few years. And then that just kind of ran its course. And then I gave myself up. I've opened myself up to meeting new friends and maybe even new romantic partners. And next time you meet a guy that you like, just say you like them. Be honest with yourself and don't think, well, I'll just be friends with them. Because that's easier than just being rejected by someone I say I like. Okay.

I will do that next time. Yeah. And to be friends with people that the thought of them naked creeps you out. Yeah. That's why I'm friends with them. All right. I'm just kidding. That's the perfect definition of a friend right there.

Yeah. So this friendship has an expiration date regardless. So it's either going to come from you or from him. Yeah. And I need to be the bigger person and be like, I'm not dealing with this anymore. Yeah. He does not value your friendship

the way you want him to. And he's never going to. Yeah, you're right. That will... I need to reconcile that and deal with that, but that's fine. Obviously... I mean, that just sounds like a fucking mess. I mean, nothing against guys who are 22 with kids.

I'm just saying it's, he's like still growing up while trying to be a dad. And he's this figure, you know, just, this seems like a lot for you to. Yeah, no,

I agree. I don't love the messiness and I just graduated college. Like I'm not trying to. Yeah. And then, and this friendship seems like a mess too so what I'm saying is if you were just like if you call me up and be like if the problem

was you guys are in love and he's on the same page with you but like he's dealing with an ex and he has I'd be like all right well just figure it out you know but like yeah there's like a mess on top of mess on top of confusion on top of shit he's you know just walk away yeah yeah you're right about that in

the meantime this mess has kept you preoccupied and it's helped you feel needed yup yeah i would agree with that i bet you i have i bet you're always there for him to help him solve his mess yeah that's accurate so he takes up a lot of your time so free it up i will it's not going to be easy it's going to get a more a little bit give yourself some time to mourn the loss of a friend that might take a few months just because you're sad doesn't mean he's special okay i'll remember that thank you for your advice and for being honest that's what i need all right you're gonna be fine and yeah i promise okay tough love on yourself yes

for sure take care that's a nice robust episode we got some bisexuality conversations we got some open relationship conversations classic some people who had some underlying

I don't want to fuck my friend yeah some underlying issues there when you really get down friend but I want to fuck my friend yeah some underlying issues there when you really get down to it all great stuff thank you for having problems so that we can have a show but thank you for sharing

honestly and thank you for making it work and thank you for taking the time to do it we do appreciate you people doing that the lifeblood of the show which as you all know

is really therapeutic for me so thank you we appreciate you guys listening, tuning in, tune in on Wednesday for a Kevin Hines, Kevin Hines, a fascinating discussion, a little heavy.

We talk about suicide. Kevin is a survivor from a suicide attempt from his own suicide, suicide attempt. And we, we talk about that and uh i know i had some questions and some thoughts of my own on the topic and uh i really appreciate kevin um telling his story and uh it's deep it's uh you should check it out yeah it's heavy it's deep but it's informative and can really help people and help you i also just think it's a quite i think it's a i think it's something people think about more than they talk about definitely people don't admit that they

think about it as much as they do so listen to that yeah thanks for listening guys we love you sending your reviews reviews and your questions at asknickatcastme.com castpk and other than that we'll see you tomorrow