The Viall Files - E172 Ask Nick - He Is Not Changing For You

Episode Date: September 7, 2020

On this episode of Ask Nick we start with a woman who has two challenges when it comes to sex and dating. She speaks with Nick about how to approach 1) discussing with her partners the fact that she is deaf and 2) her fear of vaginal penetration. Next, we speak with someone whose boyfriend is sending d*ck pics to other people when she is not around and collects nudes as a hobby. Racism is the topic of our next conversation, when a woman wants to bring her black love interest to a wedding with her family that she believes is racist. Finally, we chat with a daughter who is perhaps a little more concerned about her dad's dating patterns than she should be.  “What you are willing to accept is far worse than dating.”  Make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: JENNI KAYNE: jennikayne.com use promo code VIALL for 20% off your first order  ECHELON: echelonfit.com/viall  COASTAL: coastal.com/viall for 50% off your first pair of glasses now until October 31st Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what's going on everybody happy monday happy monday what a big week i mean huge what a big week first of all i don't know if you know this go back and listen to that sign up for that patreon vanessa episode rachel episode soon to be jen saviano episode i know i keep bringing it up oh you have a patreon yeah so many people have listened to it but i also know how many people listen to this show and you're missing out i'm just i i just i'm sorry so like let's just get that out of the way also we're gonna we going to bachelor it up big time this week. We have a great episode, by the way, for Ask Nick. Fascinating callers.

Today, yeah. Fascinating. There's some good ones in there. Wow. Wow. We are recapping Juan Pablo's season. I'm not sure who our guest is going to be. Could it be Charlene?

Could it be Nikki who won? Andy was on that season it's entirely possible and then on wednesday victoria fuller i mean a delight i dare say she's a delight i i wasn't really sure how it was gonna go uh i needed to get all the questions asked i wasn't sure how she might react to some of these questions, but turned out it was pretty fun. And I think we learned a lot about Victoria, some behind the scenes of Peter's season, as well as dating rumors that might involve.

She was very vulnerable with us. Very honest. And I think it's a lot of fun. So tune in for that. We laughed laughed we laughed a lot cried um we didn't always agree no i mean it was a lot of fun yeah and uh i think when she calls you a shithead i think uh i think you guys will really enjoy that so uh big week for you guys and you are welcome how's uh how was montana how was that montana i'm gonna go back yes you're gonna ride into the sunset i mean you know maybe no no we're not going there we're not catching feelings we're not doing that. Listen, you just gave me the advice to have no expectations and just be chill.

So that's what I'm doing. And I'm going to have fun. Are you guys generous to each other? Yes. Well, guys, we have a great episode for you. Let's just get right to it. Don't forget to send your questions at asking at castmedia.com. Cast with a K. just get right to it. Don't forget to send in your questions at askingatcastmedia.com and

let's do it. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Hi, I'm Rose. Hi rose hi rose how old are you i'm about to be 29 i'm technically 28 for two more weeks so i'm enjoying that happy birthday uh how can i thank you okay awesome um so I'm gonna start with my question, and I'm gonna give the backstory

so that it makes sense. But my question is, when is it a good time to tell potential men that you're dating that I have sex issues, and maybe exactly how to approach it? And just to give a backstory about me, you might notice that I have kind of an accent because I am deaf and part of like stuff I also go through is how do you deal with deafness in the relationship but I also deal with a couple more um physical problems which is that I um was have something called vaginismus which is I think a lot of people do have and it's when you basically have this fear penetration and this came from the fact that I was born with almost like this thick wall okay how how TMI can I go you can go all the way

let's go TMI yeah yeah yeah I was born with a really thick hymen. And I did not know this until a year ago when me and my gynecologist decided to block me out in surgery so we could figure out what was wrong. And what we discovered was that anytime a man would try to penetrate me, it would be like hitting a cement wall. So anytime that happened to me, it was really uncomfortable. And I started to become more and more and more fearful of penetrative sex. So that brings me to today where, um, like I'm dating and, um, I'm like, no, it's up and down. But my biggest fear is that I feel like whenever I tell a man about this problem, they immediately are like, yeah, that's cool. And then I never hear from them again.

And that, yeah, I mean, I kind of get it. Yeah, I know. So I'm curious, is there a solution to this problem? Or is it just something you have to live with? I solved the physical problem, which is i got surgery okay so i basically yeah so the gynecologist removed it and it felt like i had a knife like stab me in the vagina it was great okay you were awake for that um but no the problem i have to deal with now is more the mental which is that i haven't taught

myself yet or i haven't had that like bridge with me and a partner where it's like have you have you practiced on yourself i mean i'm assuming yeah i can i can appreciate why mentally that over the years you can definitely yeah it can be a mental block literally even though the physical block has been removed but like yeah have you practice and like kind of retrained the old vagina not old the middle-aged vagina the late 20s vagina to appreciate yeah have you i mean i have a name i've named it vivi after gray gardens because she never leaves the house yeah but thanks chrissy but yeah so basically when you have vaginismus or thank you when you have penetrative issues you actually can go through a dilator program which means you're

taking these different sides of these dilators and you're basically penetrating yourself so i'm i'm fine for me like i'm working on it but my issue is that like i'm a pretty sexual person so when i meet someone we end up hooking up really quickly and then I'm like in the bed and I'm just kind of like, Oh, by the way, and that tends to not go well. And then I've tried,

I tried every, I tried to do it like maybe on like the third day, but COVID has made it so confusing. So yeah, I think that's where I'm just kind of like, what's the best way to bring this up? So just so I'm understanding, right now, your biggest hurdle is more on the mental side when it comes to this challenge for you. Yes.

Yes. And trust. And trust, yeah. So how long has it been since you've had the corrective surgery? A year. Yeah. Okay. this the how long has it been since you've had the corrective surgery um a year yeah okay so it's i i'm no expert here so i'm just gonna i feel like sometimes i really have to emphasize so i'm just gonna shoot my shot but uh yeah just do it yeah give yourself a little time you know i getting the sense that you know uh i'm a sports guy you know if you draft a quarterback if you draft a quarterback you

don't throw you don't throw him into the game too quickly before he's ready to to really perform and sometimes if you put them in the game too quickly, it can really hinder their potential. They can get in their head. They can develop kind of bad habits. And so what I'm saying is I can totally appreciate why you have these mental obstacles when it comes to like your entire adult life, not even knowing that this problem, like developing this kind of mental hurdle when

it comes to having penetrating sex with a guy. And, you know, you're in active dating, you want to meet someone, I get all that, but, you know know maybe you're just not ready to go there i guess you know so why don't you just kind of keep trying take it slow i mean if it happens there's a guy fine but you know and i don't know maybe you can't maybe you can't figure it out until you actually have the sex like maybe like dildos can only get you so far you know um you know game simulation you know until you have to get in the game and see how it goes but is it possible for you to try to get comfortable with it on your own without feeling like you have to have this conversation with guys all the time you know

what i'm saying like yeah i get it you want to be with someone who accepts you. You can open up and talk to. But the reality is, and you've said you've discovered this, like you can be open with a guy and guys will be awkward. And it sounds like you're meeting guys who at least have the decency of not making you feel judged in the moment. Like, well, it's fucking weird or something like that. They're like, cool. Then you don't hear from them or something right so um and i can't say what how guys you know you know you want to be like oh that sucks just find guys who who will call you i don't know like i've i haven't had to deal with it i don't even know you know uh what what i would think um but yeah do you think you can get to a place where you don't feel like

you have to bring this up especially early on in a dating situation yeah i think that's a good point i think something i've been running into too is that it gets misinterpreted so the last person i was dating um he took it as more like oh you just don't like sex i was like no i i want to work on this problem that's it's very important to me and then i dated a guy who was super into it because he was like a born-again christian i don't know he was into it okay which is not. Yeah, I guess what I'm saying is I appreciate, listen, there's nothing better than when you meet someone and date someone and you feel comfortable enough to share who you are, you know, whatever it is, the fact that you are deaf, the fact that you have these issues. Like you want to, I'm assuming whoever you at, whoever your person is, you want to be

your truest self around them. Great. But when it comes to dating, you don't don't have you know there's a difference between finding that person and giving everyone a chance you go on a date with to be that person right away you know what i'm saying like yeah this kind of goes back to my something i say over and over and over if you listen to this podcast is instead of being so worried whether guys are going to accept you, spend more time making sure you want to open up to any of these guys, you know?

And if that means, you know, and I understand you don't want to maybe go to bed with someone without maybe like a heads up in case like you have a you know again don't stop worrying about what these guys are thinking so much if you can right um i don't think you have to tell these guys right away i don't think you have to read them up every guy you even sleep with you don't have to like give them the 411 that you had corrective surgery a year ago you know if you want to great i'm not saying it's bad but i don't think you owe it to them if that makes sense you know because if if i'm hearing you right

physically everything's fine now it's just some you know you're still kind of mentally getting more having that become a normal feeling right so i mean do you think you do you want every guy to know no no i know i'm actually like on a very different path um i just recently broke up with someone too so it's been like kind of like i just want to be alone for a bit. But it's just been very frustrating. And I keep thinking, like, I keep trying to put, I know, like, I really like what you said about, like, you know, just worry about yourself more. Like, if they don't even, if they can't accept this, why would you want to be interested in them? I guess for me, it's because I feel like sex is so important for relationships, or maybe I have it in my head, and I've been just like let down. I keep thinking this is the issue.

Sure. But that's the thing, too, right? Like this is something you've dealt with, right? So you've, you know, I don't know you that well, but I'm going to go ahead and guess that you're making this a bigger deal than it probably is in reality. We all do that with whatever our insecurities are, whatever they are. This is a very unique one, but we always make it worse on ourselves and we judge ourselves more than anyone else judges us. It's a safe bet, right? So that's why I think just as much as you can, just be patient with yourself.

Give yourself some time. Yeah, sex is a big part of any relationship, and you're also only 28. Yeah, you have a birthday coming up, but you have time. You have time to just slowly get comfortable with this and make sure that you're mentally in a good space so that if you meet the right guy you you don't feel awkward or uncomfortable and then if you do want to ever bring it up it's it's not so much of an issue you're just like hey this is kind of something i had to deal with in the past yeah um i think for me my issue also has been like i'm so used to pleasing the other so that's why i just, like my most serious relationship, it was one-sided sexually.

And so I got into that characterization. That's what I do every time I hook up with someone. Well, yeah, because you feel like you're in control. You can, you know, you become the girl who's like really good at sucking dick, you know, like you're just not worried about a guy. Yeah, good for you, girl. Yeah, which is, you know, great. Yeah, good for you, girl. Yeah, which is great.

We all appreciate you. But I'm saying that came from a place of feeling insecure about penetrative sex, right? So yeah, you owe it to yourself to even things out, right? Even things out. It's always good to want to be a giver. But you deserve to receive affection and receive pleasure. And you have to be comfortable with your body and yourself. And I'm just saying, give yourself some time. Be patient with yourself.

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Go to echelonfit.com slash V-I-A-L. That is E-C-H-E-L-O-N, fit.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Are you seeing any type of therapist or anything like that? Oh, yeah. Yeah. So when I was trying to figure out this problem, I didn't know what the problem was.

I didn't know that it was actually a medical. When I first saw a gynecologist in high school, he said I was just scared of sex, which, you know, is some of the problems we have in women's health. So it took another 10 years for me to go through sex therapy, an actual physical therapist. But yeah, I see a therapist every week, and he's great. So yeah, so you're still going through this process. And so all I'm saying is, you know, don't, I'm not saying stop having sex and don't,

but just be patient with yourself. I think that will help you take a lot of pressure off yourself. And don't and I want to emphasize, I don't think every guy needs to know that is it. That is your story. And your story is yours. And like, I don't tell every day, I don't go on every date and say that these are my insecurities. Like, yeah, sometimes I'm just like, yeah, you seem fine. Other people I want to open up with more. It's no different from you. You don't owe them anything.

And then, I mean, it's from you being deaf, being hearing impaired, how much is that a personal struggle for you? Are you fine with that? Yeah, that's a huge hurdle of it as well. And I have cochlear implants. So when you're sexual sexual my implants tend to fall off which I don't think a lot of people have that issue so then but then the implants get I can't tell you how many times I had to like bury through the person's bed to try to find my ear

and what has happened in the past is I put my have to put my implants on so there's like a 10 second awkward phase where I'm just laying there like, hold a second. And then I go, oh, by the way, I can't really have sex. So it's like, yeah, the whole thing. So I mean, listen, it sounds like you're a sexual person, right? Like you're sex positive. That's great. So no, that's awesome.

But I feel like, you know, listen, it is what it is. You are deaf. You have this thing, you know, your is what it is you are deaf you have this thing you know you're hearing your beard falls off and some so fine but like and i'm saying if you want to go have sex have sex but if also if you want to wait a little bit to avoid like because if you're going to have sex with a guy who you feel a little bit more comfortable with, right? You're going to feel less uncomfortable if something awkward happens as opposed to hooking up with someone early in the dating process, which, again, if you want to, no shame. I'm just saying how can we try to avoid like these moments

where you just feel uncomfortable or this awkward situation and you judge yourself. You're just like, ah, man, you know, I'm, you know, I feel silly or I'm judging myself. And so just, you know, try to set yourself up for success. I feel like in some of these moments, you're kind of setting yourself up for failure. We do that sometimes where you're treading water. You're like, you judge yourself and you're just, oh, I don't, you know, and again, I can't relate to having these ailments. So maybe it's just easier said than done, but it sounds like you're just

like, you don't want to feel different. And so you don't want to act it, you know, it's I'm a, and you're not different, but like you have these things you have to deal with. So you put yourself in these situations almost maybe to prove it to yourself. Like I can do this. And then this shit happens that you feel a little like awkward or whatever and then maybe you get in your head about it like it's not a big deal for your hearing impaired to fall off or whatever and i just feel like with the right guy someone you feel comfortable with who someone's just comfortable with is not gonna you know he'll help you out it's no big deal summer is ending i'm sorry fall is approaching it's exciting also. It's the best. Also winter. I'm sorry, but we need to stay warm and we still need to look hot. And Jenny Kane is doing that with cashmere sweaters.

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That is J-E-N-N-I-K-Y-N-E.com. Promo code VIALL. But in terms of sex, I honestly think I'd like, if it's possible, get to a place where you don't feel like you have to sit down and have this conversation just so you know this happened to me I had the surgery but it's still a weird thing and I'm still getting used to it you know it's just happened it's only been a year and I feel like you just got to give yourself some time um yeah I don't okay I like that answer

yeah it's a different way of thinking for me i don't think you should do it yeah and if you do want to say it do it after sex you know like why does a guy need to know i don't know like yeah well my issue is actually i don't trust men really so like when um and if anything has to do with fingering if it's do any of that, I immediately like my, my legs still cramp up. That's the problem is there's still a, um, mental hurt.

Yeah. And that's okay. Just give yourself some time to, you know, take it slow. You know, again, I understand your sex positive,

but you can still, you have other reasons to take it slow. And it's not because sex is bad or whatever but like it's okay that you have these mental hurdles to face and you know take it easy on yourself it's just if we're not ready for things we can regress and there's just no point in you know trying to prove to yourself that you can do this you know give it some time. Yeah, I like the baseball analogy. I think that was great.

You don't go up to bat if you don't have the right equipment. Yeah, take some practice swings. Really feel comfortable. So when you get to the plate, you're ready to knock it out of the park. But you need to build up some confidence. And if you go in the game too quickly, you can, you can get the opposite of confidence, you know?

Um, so yeah. Yeah. I think that's kind of nice. Thank you. This has been really great. And I, you know,

I love that you have a sense of humor and I think that's great. And I think you should always keep that. That's infectious. And, but just take it easy on yourself. Take it easy. Got it. All right. Take it easy. Got it. All right. Thank you, guys.

All right. You're going to be great. Thanks for calling. How's it going? Hey, Kayla 31. Hi, Kayla 31. How can I help? Yeah, so I have been dating this guy, I don't know, about six months now.

And when we first started dating, I just saw girls popping up on Snapchat all the time. Oh, they're my friends from back home because he's in flight school for the military and where I live. Eventually, one night, he had something open up the snap whenever we were outside. And there was a girl's tits in the screen. So I'm like well but obviously not friends and um you know he kind of confessed everything after pressuring him and blocked all the girls and promised it wouldn't happen again yada yada so of course I let it go because it was you know early on in a relationship about two months um I just found him doing it again about a week and a half ago.

He left to go move furniture. And I found in his iPad, he's sending pictures to different girls. We're together four to five days a week. Whenever we're not, that's when he's sending the pictures. I can't get over it, I think. I just have a hard time letting go i just have a really hard time understanding why he keeps doing this like what satisfaction are you getting from sending these pics and sexting girls that you're not getting from me

your question is why does he do yeah yeah yeah like what satisfaction are you getting to wanting to keep sexting girls that you're not getting from me because there's obviously like some disconnect there. Well, here's the thing, it's not you, it's him. Right. You know, how old is he? He's 27, I'm 31. Okay, so, I mean, he's not that young, but you know, who knows? But the important thing is, what you're doing

is, and it's pretty common. And you even said something earlier, like, well, of course, I forgave him because it was early is if like, what does that mean? You know, it's you, of course, you forgave him because it was early. And in fact, yeah, you should have a very short leash early on. Why? You know, we shouldn't have a longer leash early on. You know, maybe when you're in a long term relationship, and you've invested some time and effort and someone fucks up, maybe then you're like, Okay, let's work through this. But like, why are you willing to give this guy a longer leash? early in the relationship where

you don't know a ton about him, you haven't invested a lot of time you haven't really, like you're still getting to know him six months in. And what you're learning about him is that he's, you know, emotionally unfaithful. He's a bit of a liar. I mean, he got, yeah, he told the truth when he got caught. But usually in these situations when you get caught, you only tell as much of a truth that you need to to appease the person.

And then he kept doing it over and over. So he wasn't really sorry. He just was, again, telling you what he wanted to hear. You've decided to, instead of just saying, well, this is fucked up. I don't want to be with someone who does this. You do what a lot of people do is start being like your ego wants to prove to yourself that you are enough for him and you need to do somehow you need to do more to make sure you know he won't feel the need to get nudes from girls and one has nothing to do

with the other you know he has a fixation with he's like collecting nudes right and it's not just on a belt they're like little nude trophies if you will and he's into's into it. You know, it's become a thing for him. If he's like, if you're saying he's getting all these women nudes, like I don't know who this guy is or how good looking he is or isn't. But for a guy to have a handful of women sending him nudes means he's actively trying to get nudes.

You know, unless you're like, you know, dating like the hottest guy in the world with this massive cock who's super charming and just the greatest guy ever who's just flooded with nudes you know what i'm saying like i i don't you know i don't care who you are guys don't get that much nudes without trying to get nudes you know So he's actively asking for nudes. Maybe once in a while, some girl is like, hey, look at my tits.

But he's the one who's trying to get this. And again, it has nothing to do with you. He was doing it before he met you. He's still doing it now because that's what he's into it. It's a thing for him. And I think with the digital age that we're in, it's become a thing.

It's like another fetish that people can have getting, getting people to send them nudes. Yeah. And the most recent pictures I've found are text messages is like, he's like, Oh, I'm about to get in the shower. And he has his like dick hard and he's sending a picture to them.

And he's like, what are you doing? Like, why? I just don't understand. Well, you need to stop trying to understand it and just end the relationship yeah you know your ego needs to just say you know what it's not me you need

or you need to tell your ego like what you know it's there's nothing you can do to change this there's nothing you need to nothing to do with you being good enough this guy could be dating pick his Hollywood crush. He's still going to want to send his dick to other people. He's into it. He's like, no, I'm serious. He's like, it's a thing. He's into it. And he's into getting these nudes and he's just, and maybe he'll get over it. I'm not saying he's like, you know, sick, but like he doesn't want to go for right now. And maybe he needs to lose someone special special like you who like like i don't want to be with someone who's doing that you know and you're

like an addiction almost in a way but again that don't say that because now you can be like oh he has an addiction i can be there for him because like, no, no, no. Because like, no. Just let it end this relationship. Yeah. It's over. You deserve better. It's not about you. You're not doing anything wrong. This is, you know, stop make somehow indirectly blaming yourself or feeling like you're not enough

or trying to understand why he does it. He's just a kind of a douchey guy who's into it and like listen if someone wants to do the nude thing i'm no judgment but like do that when you're single and be single and don't try to have a relationship and and then try to get away with that and you know so he's a douche for that you know he sucks so i agree it's just having the strength to walk away i guess why not what are you missing like what's so good about now what no i mean at this point i think it's just like a comfort level but is he like the hottest guy ever and is he tape his dick to his leg because it's so big like what is it does he have what what is what's going on what's so special about him tell me i'm all ears

i don't know nothing i guess it's just like the fear of like starting over what you know starting over you have what are you starting over like in a new relationship you live put it this way if your relationship's a house you live in a fucking dump and now you have an opportunity to move out of this shitty house with no heat or no water and there's like termites it's a piece of shit you're living in a piece of shit right now so instead of starting over think about like i get to move out of this piece of shit and then look for a better place to live like what are you afraid of losing yeah you're right i mean listen you you if you were like i live in this mansion it's amazing but like it doesn't have a washer and dryer fine it

can't you know but there's like what is so special about this guy nothing yeah he's not even there half the time you know so you're starting over i'll tell you what the longer you wait and and you know stay in this city shitty situation you're gonna you're wasting more like every day that you're with him is wasting time so if you want to you know you might as well get a head start and he's setting his dick around everybody every day yeah i guess that you know the trust is just like gone and especially with him being military like he has to travel a lot like it's just you're only 31 you're a beautiful girl you know you have you have no reason to think that

you're not going to have plenty of guys interested in dating you and guys who don't want to like you know share their dick to the world and collect nudes yeah typical fuck boys i know i've got to do it yeah but like at this point again tough love it's on you you know you stop being a victim you're gonna be fine you're like make some tough choices stop at you know you you should be mad at yourself right now for giving him such a long leash early on. I am. Yeah. So do something about it. You have a lot of control here.

You're not a victim here. You're not married. You don't have kids. You don't know. Like you can leave at any moment. You literally never have to speak to him again. When you get off the call here, you can block him. You can disappear from his life.

It's not that hard. And then you can immediately go on a bunch of dating apps and start dating again and get out there like it's you're in a very fortunate position so like stop acting like this is this is not that hard stop telling yourself it's hard i don't know what to do have to start over you could literally have a date lined up with a new guy tomorrow in fact it would probably be pretty if if i said i'll pay you five hundred dollars if you can get a date with a new guy by tomorrow night i guarantee you could do it no i know i could so do it yeah and whether you know corona whatever it's a walk or a zoom date or whatever you could be

talking to a new guy by tomorrow so So this, I fear of starting over. The amount of stress and emotional investment you're putting into this relationship, worrying about like why you're not enough or why is he sending his dick out or why is he getting tits? Think of all that energy. Is that fun? No, it's not. Wouldn't you want to like, so you're worried about starting over.

What are you worried about? Like the stresses of a new date? Wouldn't you want to like, so you're worried about starting over. What are you worried about? Like the stresses of a new date? Yeah. It's just like, I don't know. I haven't really dated him. I haven't dated him for him probably in like three or four years.

Fine. So get, but I'm just saying like. It's just like, I should make this point, you know, because I'm pissed off. Yeah. Like I get dating can be scary. I understand it can be stressful it's less stressful than worrying about your boyfriend sending his dick to other people you know

worrying if you are enough is more stressful than an awkward conversation with a new guy or finding out that someone you think is cute didn't swipe on you back those are these little things that you'll get over but you're what you're willing to accept is far worse

than dating yeah i understand i have the respect to myself to walk away so i mean you have no reason to talk to him anymore so if you get if you you should be really mad at yourself if you do so do something about it block him unfollow him does if you never speak to him again you will be better for it and no amount of i'm sorry i'm different i promise i won't do it anymore he's always going to do this yeah and if he if he does change it's not anytime soon years from now he's not changing for you and don't take that don't take that as a a reflection of you he just he's only he's when he ever changes it's only going to be for himself and that's going to be after he wakes up and is like i'm kind of a he's going to have to lose

something special and really lose it not like temporary lose it while you threaten to leave like you need to leave his life yeah no you're right i know but i'm concerned that you aren't going to do anything about it to do it you do have the strength why you the thing is with me it's like yeah i just like try to give everybody like the most i mean i don't know i'm just sitting here making excuses for myself in my head and i need to just walk away from the relationship yeah yeah you've convinced yourself that you're the reason why he does this and you're not so you have to you're just scared for whatever reason and you're think you can fix it

his reasoning for doing it is because he was pissed off at me i'm like that's not the way you handle it so there you go now you've learned something else about this guy how he handles anger is not productive because like you are going to be i don't know like you whoever your perfect guy is you're going to piss him off like people piss each other off in relationships this is how he handles getting pissed off you know gaslighting and news so i'm really pissed off so yeah like somebody yeah you know what's right just you're right do some about it but it's on you at this point just know what well you know can't stick yeah i mean i don't know it's like yeah your dog's running around there and i'm sure it's a really cute dog but like you yelling at your boyfriend

and getting him to change is the equivalent of like you venting to your dog and expecting some real personal growth and expecting like your dog to take out the garbage like no amount of yelling at your dog is going to get your dog to start doing chores around the house you know what I'm saying and that's literally what you're trying to do with this guy yeah I know so when you feel this need to try to convince him to change that it's as crazy as trying to get your dog to like do chores yeah

that's a good way to put it so alright good luck alright well thank you Yeah. That's a good way to put it. So, all right. Good luck. All right. Well, thank you. All right. Thank you. All right.

Bye-bye. How's it going? Good. I'm Lauren and I'm 24. Hi, Lauren, 24. How can I help? So thanks again for taking time to talk to me. I'm having an issue because my family is racist, basically.

My dad's side of the family. Just a little bit of a background. I am one of eight children from my dad. So he has eight kids and my mom only has me. I'm her only child. So I live the only child life most of the time, but sometimes, you know, I'm always, I've been with around my other family a lot, but recently I've distanced myself a lot just because of the current events that's going on. And, you know, their posts on

Facebook are very anti-Black Lives Matter. They refer to it as equivalent as the KKK. And overall, it's just a really negative environment. And so I really don't like being around them. But my brother, one of my brothers is getting married in October. And I didn't even think of it, but he said I could bring a date. in October. And I didn't even think of it, but he said I could bring a date. So I went and asked a friend from college who is a black male to go with me. And it was so, I didn't even think of, you know, my family dynamic when I asked him to go with me. And he said he would. And a few days later, when we were talking about it, I realized how my family is and how negative they are towards, you know, Black people

and towards, you know, Black Lives Matter and all the things that are going on in the world right now. I didn't even realize how they were. So when I realized that I asked him to go to the wedding and how my family was. I didn't know what to do. So basically, I'm stuck with having, I just asked a guy to go to a wedding with me who is black and my family is racist. So I don't know what to do. This wedding hasn't happened yet, is what you're saying? No, it's in October. It's in october it's in october and my family they are

known to drink a lot and break out into a breakout in a fight at a wedding it's happened twice okay uh and unfortunately the last argument at the wedding i was involved with so i'm already tense with my family you know i'm not on bad terms with them but i'm not on the terms i've always been you know it's just yeah what's your dilemma then if whether you should bring your date or not So I'm not on bad terms with them, but I'm not on the terms I've always been. What's your dilemma then, whether you should bring your date or not? Yeah, or I don't know how to tell him how my family is. So my question is, do I tell him how my family is and say, this is a dynamic. You can choose to come if you want.

I won't be offended if you say no and if he does say i'll still come then how do i tell my family that who my date is how who is this friend how close are you um we went to college together i wouldn't say we're super close but is this someone that you like are you friends are you hoping for something more is this like someone you're interested in yeah definitely someone i'm interested in we went to college together we were a thing and then when we graduated i moved away to houston and he and i have like chatted here and there i visited florida where he lives where we went to school together and we've hung out plenty of times we chat here and there and you know we say oh we should visit each other and stuff like that so you know this is a long distance relationship but it's not a relationship it's like it's a

thing a relationship in a sense that friend or romantically, it's a relationship of some kind. You might not be dating, but it's a long distance relationship in that sense. Yeah. I mean, you definitely shouldn't bring him to the wedding. I don't, it's kind of a no brainer. In a sense, like, listen, yeah, maybe you, you know, you don't think about these things. And so he might have been the first person you thought oh i want to get to know this guy how about a in general a wedding is a pretty big first step for someone that you might be interested in but aren't in a relationship with so that alone regardless of this other um aspects or situations that are going on with your family being who they are and the

in and your your date being black um yeah yeah it's all right like if get to know this guy if you want to pursue this guy then take it slow get to know him have conversations fly out to see him don't invite him to a wedding where like people are talking about marriage and relationships and then they meet your and you know not even just your family your extended family and it's just like there's that's a lot of pressure for any relationship it's a big step certainly not the first step so that alone necessarily ask him that's that you didn't ask him what do you mean ask him so so what happened was it was like i guess i was like playing a game i got the invitation and i took a picture of it and i put it on my snapchat story and said now accepting applications for a wedding date okay you know and being like playful and he was like i'll go

i'm sorry and he was like oh i'll go and you're like really and then like yeah yeah exactly pretty much and and i wanted him to like slide up and say something because i like really and then like yeah yeah exactly pretty much and and i wanted him to like slide up and say something because i like him and you know so when he did say i'll go i was i jumped on it and i was like yes let's do it and then it took a while and and i'm so disappointed in myself for not even thinking about it you know i wouldn't make too much a big deal about it even just hearing that story you know that makes more sense kind of that it happened in this kind of fun and playful organic way. Right.

Fine. And if, and if your family wasn't racist and dramatic and unpredictable when they drink, then maybe while unconventional, maybe you guys go as friends and something happens, even though maybe a wedding is not a great first date idea. But this is the situation. So like your only choice is to level with him, right? And just say, hey, can we talk? And you say, can I be honest?

I like, I want to get to know you better. I do. You don't have to like confess your love, but just be a little bit vulnerable, right? But just say, I also have to tell you like, this is who my family is, you know? And I have my concerns and I can picture it going really badly

if you come for these reasons. I know they have racist points of view. And even if they sometimes can have racist points of view. And even if they sometimes can hold those points of view inside, they're also heavy drinkers and incredibly unpredictable. And even when, you know, it just, it can go really badly.

And I don't want to put you in that position because I do like you. So like, can we keep talking? And like, these aren't people I really, you know, it sounds like these family members are like, they're family. So you're there, but they're not like a big part of your life.

Is that safe to say? They're half siblings. Yeah. They're half siblings. But if let's say, I've always been the outcast too. Fine. But let's say you get to know this guy,

you fall in love with them. You guys are in love. You want to get married. You could have a happy life with him and be like, well, these people, they're not really part of my life. Right? It's not as if you're like, I'm so close with my family, but my family is racist and I'm in love with a man of color.

You know what I'm saying? Then you're just like, oh, how do I, I don't want to choose. Doesn't sound like you're feeling like you have to make a choice here. This is just like, yeah, they're family. I got to go to this wedding and like whatever um so i think you just level with him and you just be honest and um you know i would say like i just don't look in and i if i were you i wouldn't give him the option. I would say, I just don't think it's best. Go dateless. Just get through the night. And because if he's just like, well, I want to go and fuck

them. And then you're just inviting more drama. Like deep down, you know that this is potential drama. So just don't bring it. And especially if these people aren't like playing a big role in your life, then like there's really no reason to start off a relationship with this guy with a potentially toxic atmosphere so you just again apologize be like you know what i i do like you and i and that's why i don't want you to come because i like you and i want to spend time getting to know you and like this is my family but i'm not that close with them and they're not really a big part of my life and i'm just gonna go to this wedding and get it over with but can we keep talking yeah i think it's your best choice yeah i just and i i just don't want my family to even ruin

i don't even want to go back to him and say well this is how my family is he'd be like oh that's how your family is like i don't want anything well that's something you have to deal with right um how you handle it if you handle in a mature way and again for him like i i don't understand i can't appreciate the pressures of a black man you know right now and i understand he might he might want to remove himself from that environment he has the right to but this is this is the reality of the situation right and? And so he might not, though. I mean, I don't know this guy. It's safe to say it's not the first time he's experienced racism in his life, right? So, like, you know, it might be another day for him, unfortunately.

So just level with him. Be honest with him. You know, these people, these family members are not big aspects of your life. Their beliefs aren't in line with yours, and you don't have to on a daily basis have to have this confrontation because they're just not really involved in their lives. But it's your half-sister, so you're going to go to the wedding. You're just going to deal with it and just separate the two. Definitely don't combine them. I know.

Right? I know. Let? I know. Let me ask you this. If you got married to this guy and none of those people went to your wedding, would you care? Oh my God. I probably wouldn't even invite them. There you go. Right?

So that's the sense I'm getting. So like there's no reason why you need to like have the first time you spend real time together with this guy. Be with these people you're not even that close with. I know. I mean, I'm close to them, but just not right. Like when I say I wouldn't invite them to my wedding, I obviously would. time together with this guy be with these people you're not even that close with i know i mean i'm close to them but just not right like when i say i wouldn't invite them to my wedding i obviously would but i probably wouldn't allow them to drink but you get what i'm saying you know yeah i do i totally get what you're saying yeah there's just no real upside here and you just have to level

with them and give them a chance to want to still get to know you despite this. And he might not, and that's up to him, but this is going to end really badly. If you ignore it and then bring them along and see, see what happens. Yeah. And my friends are just telling me,

well, tell them you can't bring them because of COVID. Don't lie to them. But I don't want to lie. Exactly. Lying is not, that's just an easy way out. And it could get back. Be't lie to them. But I don't want to lie. Exactly. Lying is not... That's just an easy way out. Be up front with them. Be vulnerable.

You know? It's in October and you have time. Don't wait until the last minute. Just tell them now. Yeah. Be like, honestly, I was just... I was really... When you responded, I got really excited because I do want to get to know you. Be vulnerable that way. And I didn't even think about the fact that what I was just, I was really, when you responded, I got really excited because I want, like, I do want to get to know you, be vulnerable that way.

And I didn't even think about the fact that what I was saying yes to. And I have some real concerns. And quite honestly, like, I don't, I'm not in line with them. I'm not even super close with them. And I think my family's part, at least these people have some racist points of view. And I just don't want to, I like you and I don't want to, and I like you and I don't want to just be honest. Definitely don't lie. Yeah.

Because if, if you do start something with this guy, there still are your family. It is a conversation you're going to have to eventually have to say like, there are people in my life that I don't agree with, you know? Yeah. It's not the first time he's dealt with racism is i'm guessing yeah and they're

not very like positive towards me anymore because of how i disagree with them they say of course you disagree because of the way you grew up and blah blah. Yeah, definitely avoid the drama, you know. Mm-hmm. And just be honest with this guy. Okay. Will do. All right. All right.

All right, well, best of luck. Take care. Thank you so much. No problem. How's it going? Hi, how are you? Good. What's your name?

I'm Sarah. Hi, Sarah. hi how are you good what's your name i'm sarah hi sarah how old are you uh 29 how can i help i well i need a lot of help but um my father so my father he's he has like a giant heart like he's the most emotional human being like i've ever met for better for worse but like sometimes i don't think he he knows how to like read his like actual genuine feelings and like I feel like he like acts out on like short-term emotion so he recently went through like a self-induced breakup that he initiated and shortly after he he wanted to get back with this lady and we're like me and my sister were like, wait, dad, like, didn't you, weren't you the one that wanted to break up, and you were, like, so stoked about breaking up with her, and then he was like, yeah, yeah, but, you know, like, you know, I

think, I think this was, like, you know, kind of a stem from COVID, and this, and that, and so we were trying to talk him through it, and, you know, I initially wanted him to come on here to kind of talk through his thoughts, but he didn't, he didn't want to do that. So, and then come to find out like a couple of weeks after the breakup, he, he writes this person like a 12 page letter, like confessing all his feelings. Was it really 12 pages? It was 12 pages. He told me he wrote her a letter and I was like, okay.

And then my sister told me that he told her it was 12 pages. So he's, I'm like, you need to give yourself like some time, you know? How old is your dad? 60, 60, 62 ish. Okay. It was born in 1956. So whatever the math is. So he's my dad's age.

Perfect. He's writing 12 page letters. what was it like after the breakup was it about his entire life did he like cover all his relationships he's he's a man of many words i took after him we're not very good at being concise but he's has it a little worse than than i do so what's the problem and i mean other than the fact your dad's long-winded and highly emotional yes so the problem is this isn't the first time that he's broken up with somebody it's like a 16 year old girl he wanted yes and then like he like changes his thoughts like he had this other ex where he broke up with her and then um like he told her yeah this is over and then like a month later he was like I really thought about it I know that you're the person for me like we

need to get back together and they got back together only for him to to realize that he was right in the first place and didn't want to be with her and then broke up with her again so I just feel like he I don't I don't know I feel like it's not fair to the other person, but I also feel like, I don't know. It's like he's not giving him what he needs to actually form an actual true thought. How many times has your dad been married? What was that? How many times has your dad been married?

Just once. And how long has he been single for? Oh, just once. No, no. how long has he been single for oh just once no no how long has he been single for um it's been like eight years okay oh eight years uh yeah i mean he's had like girlfriends in between but from marriage eight years yeah i mean i don't know if there's a real problem here. I mean, certainly it sounds like your dad, you, I guess we expect our elders and people in their 60s to know exactly what they want and make sense with all their life choices. Yeah. This is like a new stage in your dad's life and who knows kind of thing it's he's combining kind of his old school writing letters to like his processing his new feelings i mean let the guy live i don't know if there's a real problem here i mean yeah like certainly you know

stop writing people 12 page letters they don't have time for that shit like how old's his girlfriend or her his ex-girlfriend she's um she has kids in like high school so i think she's like in her late 40s like early 50s okay i don't i don't know yeah what does your dad want does he want to get married again does he just want to fuck around that's that's that's a really good question i think i think part of him wants like a companion but then like a lot of him like really likes like his independence let me so i think he doesn't know yeah let me ask you this other than your i'm sure your dad you know being highly emotional might vent to you and open up to you that doesn't mean

he thinks there's a problem it sounds like you think there's a problem but there might not be a problem you know maybe your dad is just enjoying the drama at this stage of his life and to be honest it might be you know he's got kids you seem to have a good relationship with your dad so he's got that knocked out of the park and maybe just a little drama that it's non-committal it might just be the might make him feel young and exciting i don't know and all this things he's doing writing letters and worrying about maybe he wants her back or not in a way is kind of maybe exciting for him i don't know that If he, you know, it's probably not his girl, you know, and he's just having, you know, think about all the times that we just got ourselves in drama early in our life. And it might have been a lot of things, but it wasn't boring.

Yeah, he's not a boring man. So he's just keeping it fresh and exciting he's not trying to settle down he's already done that all right yeah like it's not like a it's not like you're meeting someone who's at a stage in their life who's like i want to have kids and and they're still like making bad choice after bad choice not setting themselves up to like and that's what i ask what does your dad want maybe your dad just wants to golf have some sex get into these relationships have some friends to like you know netflix and chill go on some dates go into airbnb break up find someone

else you know who knows you know tell someone he loves them again only to realize maybe he doesn't like it's all drama and it's all fine and it's all fun like what it keeps them entertained that's fair all right fine he goes like 15 years he can go to a retirement home and sleep with half of the women there and get syphilis and and syphilis is pretty common in like uh like all day seeing your living because no one's wearing condoms and i'm just saying that's a fun fact that you know right i've heard that i'm just saying what's the real problem here i don't know i i don't know i don't know why i care so much about his his his dating life maybe i shouldn't i mean i don't even i don't even. I don't know. I don't know why I care so much about his, his, his dating life.

Maybe I shouldn't. I mean, I don't even, I don't even like live in the same state as him. So I don't know. Maybe it's like the one little piece that I could just feel connected to him. I don't really, I don't know.

Yeah. So I think you're fine. All right. Fine. Well, let him, you were supposed to give me a bunch of wisdom i know but i guess this is it it is good wisdom let him be i like like a how-to one two three i think you're gonna be okay yeah

all right yeah have some fun with your dad i mean it's cool that you can talk to him about it, this stuff, right? But unless, I don't know if there's a real problem here. You know, he may get back with this girl. He may not. Either way, he's going to be fine. Maybe I'm the dramatic one. Maybe you are. Maybe you both are.

Yeah. But what I'm saying is like, what's the, if there has to be a, you, if there's a problem, like, what is your dad trying to accomplish? And if all your dad is trying to accomplish is to have an exciting dating life and meet, then it sounds like that's what he's doing. All right. All right. That's fair. If your dad was like, I want to have one more kid before I die, then I would be like, well maybe i would tighten it up you know but he's not saying no you know thank god so i would die if that happened yeah unless you're having some kind of daddy issues with the way he's treating women yeah yeah no no i don't think i think he's pretty he's good for the most part he's a little selfish

but i mean he knows he knows that about himself at. So he doesn't make that like a secret. So. All right. It's going to be okay. Well, thanks. All right. All right. Best of luck.

Thanks guys. All right. Bye-bye. Bye. Thanks for listening guys. We will see you on Wednesday.