The Viall Files - E175 Ask Nick - Heartbreak Can Be a Beautiful Thing

Episode Date: September 14, 2020

It’s Monday! On today’s episode of Ask Nick we start with a woman whose boyfriend doesn't reciprocate oral sex and is looking for the right way to have the conversation with him to create a mutually satisfying and unselfish sex life. Next, we speak with someone who is struggling with navigating dating and how quickly the conversation turns to sex on dating apps. Our next caller will give you all the feels as Nick talks her through her first real love heartache and tries to help her figure out the best way to let go. Lastly, we help a woman talk through her confused feelings about a guy she is hooking up with but keeps putting in and out of the friend zone. Does she like actually him? Let's find out.  “Him unwilling to go down on you is worse than him robbing banks.” THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: NOOM: Noom.com/viall to sign up for your trial. ARTICLE article.com/viall for $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more.  BUTCHER BOX: butcherbox.com/viall for TWO pounds of ground beef in every box for the life of their subscription. HELIX SLEEP: helixsleep.com/viall for up to $200 off ALL mattress orders. Episode Socials: Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what is going on everybody happy monday it's monday monday uh my name is nick good job hi uh i'm the host of this show uh Also correct. Chrissy, my producer. Also correct. Welcome. Thank you for having me. Thanks for listening, guys. Welcome to an episode of Ask Nick. Glad you guys can join us.

Once again, we're on the streak of like 50 great episodes. I'm like, no. Everyone really becomes vulnerable and sends us their questions. I'm so thankful. It's a really great way to get to know the audience. So we don't want to waste too much of your time. We'll get right to the callers. Just a couple of quick notes.

Don't forget to send your questions at asknickatcastme.com. You guys know how much this particular show means to me. So we always sincerely appreciate your reviews. Hopefully, I appreciate you guys taking the time time so go ahead and give us five stars you don't even have to write a review but if you want to you can but we do appreciate it subscribe uh if you're checking us out the first time don't forget to tune in on wednesday chris shell from selling sunset and now dancing with the stars is here to talk about her entire life all of it with us it'll be magic uh so make sure to tune in on Wednesday.

And without further ado, let's get to the callers. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Hi. I'm Cassidy. I'm 24. So I'll give you some background. I've been seeing this guy consistently for about a month now. We hang out like once or twice a week. We go on dates. I've met his friends. He's met mine, etc. so we had sex for the first time on our third date um and that's been like a consistent part of our relationship ever since then um the first time we hooked up he made no effort to reciprocate oral sex something at the time where i was like we were drunk we were

excited made an excuse for maybe that would change um flash forward to now where it's been like a month and a half two months um he's still never reciprocated even when I've like brought it up jokingly like mentioned it in casual conversation um he also does know this is like the only way I can get off so and I think when I mentioned that to him, he said something douchey like, well, I could change that or something like that in the moment. But yeah. No, you can't. I'm pretty sure that was his response. So now it just feels like like he's a nice guy and everything.

But now it just feels like every time we have like any type of sexual encounter, it just seems like he's kind of there like just to get his. And it kind of just feels like I'm being used after like he never really checks in to see if I'm enjoying what's going on. And yeah, it just seems like nothing's really changing with this. How long have you been dating before? We probably started going on dates casually. Like it's still very new, but probably two months ago. What do you like about him i i like everything else about him besides this aspect i think he's a cool guy um if it was like

i definitely want to keep seeing him which is the reason i'm even going to try to have this conversation because obviously like some guys i've had guys before be like oh i'm saving that for marriage or for a girl I'm in love with. Like, he's never said anything. To go down on a girl? Mm-hmm. Yes, I've had guys say that to me before. So they're fine with getting their dick sucked, but, like, they're saving eating a girl out for marriage?

Yep. Yep. And those guys, I stopped seeing. So disappointed in men. That's so ridiculous. I mean, he's 26, like i don't i don't know that's like there's no excuse really at this point but like he's all right going forward if this ever happens laugh in their face oh i do guys that have said that to me i do laugh

yeah face this is just someone who married those guys. Okay. Definitely not. So you've been in for a few months. You hang out a few times a week. What are your, what are your, okay. Minus the sex part. What, like, where do you want to see this go? Do you want to define the relationship, you know, kind of thing? What do you want?

At this point, I think it's still a little premature for that. But the that i like everything else about him like we get along we vibe well we have good chemistry and it's just this one thing where i thought like okay if i bring it up jokingly like okay he'll get it or if i like explicitly say it he'll get it and like no and so i don't know if he's just like inherently like a selfish person in the bedroom he doesn't seem to be in other aspects of his life or if he had a bad experience or he doesn't know if he's good at it. I don't, I don't know what it is, but I wanted to know like from a male perspective, what would be like the best way to have this conversation for it to be like most effective or maybe he just can't change. Well, every guy is different, right? Right. So here's what I think you should do is knowing that every guy is different. And I can tell you what I would do or what would work for me, but I'm not every guy. So who knows? And I don't know this guy.

So with that being said, I think you should just do what – how do you feel like you should communicate you know what i'm saying how would you communicate with him how you want to communicate with a potential boyfriend or husband communicate with him with you know what i'm saying like set an expectation of you want to communicate if he doesn't receive the information well the way you want to communicate that might be like another indication he's not your guy does that make sense yeah definitely and is but is this like a conversation that's you think would be most effective like in the moment or i i honestly don't want to i feel like i can be kind of abrasive at times and i don't think coming at it from like an accusatory way would be the best approach yeah you have to accuse

listen maybe maybe give it a couple more shots in the moment of like asking him to go down on you in the moment and like a hot sexy way you know baby i don't know how you want to do it so hot and so sexy but like you're doing it and you're just like like it's kind of hot at least i think in the moment where i think the word please is a very hot thing in bed not because you're like please do this for me but you're like please you make me feel good i want you to make me feel good please do this oh i feel good thank you kind of you know right so they're begging for it yeah that's kind of hot so if you're just like oh i want you to do this because you're like uh and

if he's like nah then you know then at that point after you know what i'm saying then it's just like we need to have a conversation you're for he's gonna give him an opportunity to not make you have a abrasive come to jesus conversation but it sounds like you've made some attempts maybe i don't think jokes and passive aggressive are great ways of communicating stuff like this so in the in the moment yes try to encourage him to do what you want if he doesn't because like that's like a no-brainer it should be a no-brainer people are like do this for me do this for me and wanting to please the other person is like how people have good sex right and if one person is not interested in doing the things that make you feel good that's a big problem it's not a little

problem it's a big problem right so and big problems sometimes need to have tough conversations so let's assume let's assume he doesn't do the thing you ask him to do in the heat of the moment then you yeah you have to be like level with him really like you. I like a lot of things about you. I kind of want to see this going, but it feels to me because I know this, cause I've asked you to do it and you don't do it, that you're not interested in doing the things I want to do. And I'm just curious as to why. And if he's like, well, I don't really like doing that, fair on his point of view, you're just like, well, I really like having that done to me. It's a big deal. I like getting off in sex. And the fact that you're not interested in doing that for me, bugs me. And I'm okay with saying that that's a non-negotiable for me. And the non-negotiable is like someone like as you say who's like not selfish in bed that matters you know i agree and i will say like updates since i wrote the

email i did say it in the moment at one point and he made an effort for about 15 seconds i'd say and then stopped and i was like okay i don't know if that's progress or if you're just like throwing me a bone or he clearly isn't comfortable with it and that doesn't mean that doesn't mean he sucks there could be he's just not comfortable with it you know people have to have honest conversations about sex there's things that as a couple and you're not a couple yet that you just talk about like how we can make this experience enjoyable for the both of us and there's you know commerce but you need to be able to have a conversation with someone you're wanting to date about these things and a lot a lot of people don't

have these conversations yeah and i'm comfortable having them i just like like i said like i've written guys off in the past for that reason alone because I'm like, okay, just whatever. But every other area, he seems to be a great guy. He seems to not be a selfish guy. So it's like I wanted to give him a pass, and I'm like, okay, well, now have I waited too long? Because now we've been seeing each other and sleeping together

for a couple months now, so now he might be like, this came out of nowhere. What's his dating history um i think he's like kind of had a few short-term relationships here and there i don't know i mean i think he like dates girls for like a couple months on and off but i think he's like a relationship guy like he likes that title and I feel like maybe this would be moving in that direction. But it would be an absolutely deal breaker if like this wouldn't change. So I feel like I have to bring it up now. And maybe it's like I waited a little too long.

But it would definitely. I mean, at the end of the day, he either wants to be good in bed or he doesn't. And a lot of guys think they're amazing because of like their magic dicks or something. I don't know. But the reality is if they're not paying attention and listening and hearing what their partner are saying, and then when they are literally told what they like, putting some real effort into doing the thing that they're, then they don't, then they're not good at it. It's just that simple.

Half the battle is giving a shit, wanting to be good, not thinking you're good. There's a difference. And I feel like a lot of guys struggle with that, but fine. Yeah. It's not, you're not shallow and you're not wrong for thinking this is a non-negotiable. Like, oh, everything's great, but this, this is a big fucking deal. You know, this is not like he likeotiable like oh everything's great but this this is a big fucking deal you know this is not like he like oh god it's really annoying he doesn't like put his underwear in the hamper and i have to do that that's something you can like i leave cabinet doors open there's people i uh have dated it really fucking annoys them and i'm just like and i'm just like listen I'll do my best. But if you want to date me, this may never get fully great.

But I'll do my best. Such a pet peeve. Yeah, no, I get it. Again, and I'm owning it. That's so horrible. That might be something you can get over. It might not. But all I'm saying is the bedroom, being someone who's a giver, and that's a giver and and is is a that's that's a it's a legitimate thing i don't care

how many doors he holds open for you and how polite he is and if he's good to his mom if he doesn't want to like you know go i agree i feel like if i told a guy like we can date we have this we can have an amazing relationship the only thing you will never have an orgasm they any dude would be like fuck you reason about yeah they'd be like absolutely not but for some reason like i don't know is this something that someone can change about do you think he's gonna hear me and change or do you think he's like 26 years old at this point only 26 i mean listen if he's going to change going to change, it's because he thinks he's good and he's not. And it's because he's mature enough and open enough to accept that reality, knowing that if he wants to be good, he can change that. He can fix this problem.

Right? Right. right right if he's too prideful and immature to like instead and get kind of almost gaslight you and being like well maybe you just don't know how to like appreciate my dick then then yeah then he won't change right and that's what i feel like now the only way to figure that out is to maybe just have an honest conversation with him and see how he handles it that'll tell you a lot about whether he's worth your investment and time moving forward right so you think it's best to in the moment try again sure i mean it doesn't hurt you to try one more time to see if he's interested and getting you off i personally think it's hot for a girl to be like i want you to make me come to do this if a if a woman tells a guy i want you to make me come and then shows them how to do it

and they're not interested in doing that that's a big fucking problem because i personally think that's kind of hot and i think there's a lot of guys i think it's not the reverse i think a lot of guys yeah and i think there's a lot of guys i think it's not the reverse i think a lot of guys yeah and i think there's a lot of guys out there who do want to do that i agree and the ones and the ones who definitely have and the ones who don't you know i think women probably should start feeling more comfortable telling them to fuck off yeah and not making excuses for them give them an opportunity to want to be better sure because you're right there's a lot of our society doesn't do a good job for both men and women to like feel comfortable enough about being honest to let them know that like you know slamming your dick and some girl and making them choke because porn says to isn't the best way of getting them

off right so i'm just saying like and and some guys are opening to wanting to be better and so give him an opportunity but if he doesn't receive uh constructive criticism in a non-attacking way then it's not good and it's not going to get better and you you know don't make excuses for him i like having energy i do yeah sometimes i don't always have the best energy. And I'll tell you what, as I'm sure you guys know this, what you eat in your diet plays a big role in energy. And what I've been using Noom for, because they do a lot of great things for your diet, but they've been helping me have the proper diet to maximize the energy I have so that I can stay active.

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article.com slash V I A L L to get $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. So yeah, absolutely. So and I'm fully prepared, like I said, to walk away if like nothing changes i just thought like since he's just in every other aspect is a good guy like i'm gonna give it a chance to like at least have this conversation like who knows if he'll be mature enough to like not get offended or i don't know i don't know what his hang-up is gonna be but yeah every other thing is great but it's it's people say a lot of times like he's so great i mean he robs banks but he's great other than that like that would be like he's so great i mean he robs banks but he's great other than that like that would be kind of the thing you're not okay with you know like and

honestly like i kind of feel like him unwilling to go down you is worse than him robbing banks it's such a it's a it's a crime so if things don't change and it's for this reason that i'm gonna cut communication off of this guy or just move on, should I give him a reason or should I just say? It's like you don't want to eat my pussy. Feels legitimate to me. You don't want to give me an orgasm also works. I mean, I feel like you can hold your head high knowing that's why you ended a relationship.

Yeah. Not interested in giving me an orgasm. I don't know. You got to go. Yeah. Maybe I'll make him better for the next one. Yeah, you might. It seems to be a case in a lot of my relationships.

I don't feel like you need to be ashamed or feel guilty that you ended a relationship as a result of that well i really appreciate it i love hearing from a guy's perspective maybe it can change maybe not maybe not yeah but don't waste much more time trying to get him to change he there is or he's not going to he either is or he's not going to. Mm-hmm. All right. Thank you so much.

I really appreciate it. Take care. It's very helpful. All right. How's it going? Good. Hi. I'm Andrea, and I'm 29. Hi, Andrea, 29.

How can I help? Well, so I've been... Hi, by the way. So I've been single for almost, I mean, year a little over a year now um and i was in a six year fairly toxic relationship so i'm happy to be out of it um so i'm back in the dating game and um you know I did the whole rebound thing, you know, hardcore rebound and friends with benefits, you know, been ghosted. Great. All part of the journey. Yeah, exactly.

You know, and I obviously spent a lot of, you know, time and COVID happened. So there's been some breaks and stuff. and so there's been some breaks and stuff. So I'm trying to like, I'm finally in the place mentally and emotionally that I'm like trying to move towards a relationship rather than just sex. So I guess I'm just finding it difficult to like make that clear.

To the people you're dating? Well, I mean, my profile say it. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong place but i mean even going on dates i've made it clear you know towards the end before covet i made it clear like you know i'm not gonna sleep with you on the first date and you know and then they you know there's one date and then they poof they're gone uh why do you feel the need on these first dates to say, I'm not going to be sleeping with you? I mean, I don't think I've ever been on a date, a first date, where girls felt the need to say that to me. Well, I mean, I guess it's also, so there's two parts to the question.

I feel like when you start talking to someone, sorry, my cat's meowing. When you start talking to someone, sorry, my cat's meowing. When you start talking to someone, things, conversation turns very sexual very quickly. And, you know, especially after, if you don't meet them sooner rather than later, like the conversation, it's just like, what's your favorite position? Or, you know, getting to know someone turns that sexual route. And so then there's also like the pressure to feel need to be like, all right, I want to take it slow. Like it's just something I felt the need to have to, maybe I'm meeting the wrong men.

It could be a combination of a lot of things, right? Yeah. But you are in the driver's seat here of your dating experience. Yeah. I think a lot of people sometimes forget about that, right? And you are navigating this and it's been a year. A year is not that long, especially coming out of a six-year relationship. And as you said, some of that time was you kind of figuring things out,

just really not even maybe even looking for a serious relationship, just kind of being single and then, you know, COVID, quarantine, all things like that. But now that you are, I just, again, I've said this before, try not to put so much pressure on yourself to make, you know, COVID, quarantine, all things like that. But now that you are, I just, again, I've said this before, try not to put so much pressure on yourself to make, you know, it's like, oh, now I'm ready to be in a relationship again. Great. That still might take some time, right? It's not like, okay, well, I'm going to find a guy in a couple weeks.

I think, listen, I'm a sexual guy. I like talking about sex with people, on dates, whatever. But there is a time and a place for that. And you want to also gauge the conversation of the person you're having with i still feel like there should never be a time on a first date where you feel like you have to like give them a warning or a heads up of like just so you know i'm not gonna sleep with you even if the conversation turns sexual there is is this new Netflix documentary about barbecuing and meat. Is there really?

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You know what I'm saying? So like, can't that first date just end, right? Maybe a kiss or maybe not even a kiss. There is something about when, I think it's great that women speak up about about like setting expectations and boundaries but there are some of you said about like why are you saying that because some guys you're right some of these guys that you're saying to here i'm guessing are they're probably definitely in it for the sex and maybe they need to hear that fine or two they're just like what i thought we're just talking about sex i mean

like i don't find like you know what i'm saying like sometimes then you can get defensive like why am i making you like am i giving you the wrong signal we're talking about sex why are you like why at a bar on a first date are you feeling like you need to let me know am i making you feel uncomfortable kind of thing and i've that that can right? And then I can see why they're just like, why is she, why is she saying that? Right? So again, even the guys who you think are expecting sex, if you are in a safe place, why do you need to like say that? You can just not have sex. And maybe, you know, you could not put yourself, you know, not go home, you know, like, listen, if you want to, if you're on a first date, you are feeling like you want to keep the

night going and you want to go back to your place or his place, but you still don't want to have sex. Fine. I can see yourself setting some upfront expectation. I think that's good to say that. But maybe if you feel like you're getting yourself in this position, just don't do that. You know, wait for the second date to go home on the night before. Take things slow. It is a first date. You still barely know them. So if you don't want to sleep with them, again, I'm not saying

that if you go to their place, you have to give it up or you're sending expectation, they're going to expect it. But if you are feeling like this is getting into a situation where you have to bring this up, just don't go home with them the first night. Yeah. I mean, I definitely figured that out fairly quickly to not go home or don't let them pick me up or drop me off. Yeah, so you're doing these little things, and you're right.

There's definitely hookup culture. If you go on dates, a handful of these guys are probably going to make you feel and are just maybe in it for the hookup. And you're just going to have to navigate that while you look for your guy. I just don't want you to get so on edge about this where it feels like you have your guard up

about not wanting to have sex with every guy you go on a date with some of these guys who may not be like i mean like you know most guys are open to having sex on the first date if you want to most guys but just a couple but that does there's a lot of guys who are like totally fine with not. And I've been on plenty of dates where I think I'm sexually attracted to her, I'm into her, and it just doesn't, you know, where it's not even a first kiss. I might even want to kiss her, but it just doesn't seem like there's that moment where I want to force it or, you know. So, you know, how you kind of navigate these conversations.

I mean, and again, talking about, also like also like first dates again i'm a sexual guy i like talking about sex but maybe save that for a second date or a third date you know uh yeah i mean i don't initiate the sexual conversations like i try to take it fairly well if a guy on a first date has asked you about your favorite position and yeah it's just like i you know it's like oh really yeah i feel like is it happening organically or they're just dropping it out of nowhere um i mean the conversations on the dates aren't like i went out with one guy and it seemed like a very texting sexual um conversation and you know he wanted to go on a date earlier rather than later so you know he said he won't because he was excited to kiss me or something and it's just like that's great i

think it's a safe assumption that if in a text especially if you're meeting on a dating app if that if he turned sexual quickly that's definitely a red flag right that's not someone who's just like you know so yeah you look out for those things. Don't go on dates with guys who turn text conversation sexual before you meet them, you know? Yeah. And I mean, that's what I'm working on. I just don't know if I'm like giving off a vibe. I mean, I am four foot nine. So I feel like men a lot of the time do hyper sexualize me because of my height. Like i'm fun sized and you know all this stuff okay you know i know it's something like i feel like the conversation tends to turn sexual because it has to do with my height or like have you ever been with a guy that's six foot and it's like yes i have great it's not like it's the body parts are still the same like yeah i i think you just have to continue to have an open dialogue about that and just um uh it's kind of one of those things you just you're you

kind of have to take the good with the bad right like yeah yeah i i think you're better off still being proactive dating you're better off still putting yourself out there at the risk of being discouraged more often than not. But the things that I think you can control are just, you know, not going on dates with guys who sexualize the conversation before you even have a chance to meet, who seem pushy, even on the first dates. Again, it sounds like you're doing some of the things. Don't put yourself in a position where sex is even on the table on the first dates again it sounds like you're doing some things don't don't put yourself in a position where sex is even on the table on the first date um get a feel for them let them you know um and eventually you'll meet a guy who is enjoying like again don't feel um try not to feel sexualized even though some guys i mean because guys you know you don't feel like you're worse off than any other woman for better or worse about

men's ability to make women feel sexualized i'm sorry about that it's not great okay but what i'm saying is you know you're you have this i'm foot nine. Am I even more sexualized than the average woman? Maybe. I don't know to a certain degree. But guys, we, you know, suck. So what I'm saying, so don't get discouraged. You're not doing anything wrong. It sounds like per se, you know, it sounds like you're maybe feeling like a lot of I

think women do is feeling like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place of like going along with being sexualized or not seeming fun or interesting, or he won't like me and things like that. Be fine with certain guys who just want to have sex, not liking you. It's fine. That was a good one. You don't like a lot of them either. Uh, you know, it's like, it's, it's just a thing our ego does to ourselves to feel like, well, we'll make sure they all like you, even if you don't like them. So be okay with that. True. I'm just trying to get to a second date without having to put out. Well, you don't have, yeah, but I'd hate that you feel that way, right? And I can assure you,

that's not getting you second dates, other than the fact that it's not, you know, like, not for the right reasons. So to speak. No, definitely not. And, and if, if, if,

if you not putting out is not getting you into second dates, these are clearly guys who are just hooking up. So like, again, you're no different than any other guy or any other woman that there who won't put up, you know what I'm saying? Don't feel like you're doing something wrong.

Have it mentally not be on the table for you. And then by that, you're like, it's not even, again, it's not even part of the conversation. So if it comes up, you're just like, what are you doing? Like in your mind, that kind of state of mind is,

you don't feel it. It's not normal for an expectation of sex to be on the table on a first date. If it happens, great. But the feel that you feeling this pressure is not a normal pressure. And I think you're, you're creating in your head.

That's driving it a little bit. So just try to get that out of your head if you can. Yeah, I think I can do that. All right. All right. All right. Well,

best of luck. Thank you. All right. Take care. how's it going hi i'm danielle and i'm 24 hi danielle how can i help um so basically i'm going through a super rough breakup right now um so i'm 24 this was my first serious boyfriend. I was his first serious girlfriend and things were going super great. And then one day he just out of the blue broke up with me. I'm sorry. And I mean, there's different issues there. He has depression issues. I have some bad anxiety issues. And I

think that kind of made a weird combination. I don't know. It just hurts so bad. Like I thought people were exaggerating when they talked about how bad this hurts. Yeah. No, it can really suck really bad.

How long are you guys dating for? Nine months. Okay. And how long ago did you guys break up uh like a week and a half okay i guess what what's your general question just like why does this suck and how can i get over it or are there some specific questions that you have well so when i wrote in i wrote in because i had basically convinced myself that he did this because of his depression. So when I first wrote in, I was just wondering how I can help him and how I can help him if he doesn't want to be helped.

But then I kind of talked to him and I was like, is this because of your depression? And at first he said, no, I just don't want a relationship. And then I said, okay, well, I'm not giving up on you because you told me this was going to happen and you were going to push people away. He told me that at the beginning. And then, so I said, I'm not giving up. And then he was like, you can't be doing this. Like, I can't go to sleep now. I'm not going to be able to sleep this and that. And I said, okay, well, let's talk at a later time. I waited a couple of days and I sent him a text and I was like can we have like a last like closure talk and he said um there's nothing to talk about and that's the last I heard from him but it just doesn't make any sense to me the whole breakup doesn't make any sense

um I I I'm sure so many people listening can relate I can relate to this feeling and experience it's um I mean how know, and once again, how honest do you want me to be here about the possibilities? You know, I know you're hurting right now. I guess the important thing for you is to, it's always about acceptance when it comes to breaking up, right? What you're feeling now, it's really raw. You can't get away from that.

That's just going to happen. You almost have to just let it take its course, like catching a cold. It's just like you're going to just have to pass through the body, so to speak. That's going to be normal for everyone, assuming you cared about the relationship, right? Now, there's always a point that a lot of people,

and I've done this, and a lot of people and i've done this and a lot of people especially in their first heartbreak will extend that kind of grieving period uh for things that they do that they don't need to experience you know because uh and i've said this multiple times there's that first one that's really hard right and i've had other breakups minus my first one and each of them got easier and not the initial hurt the initial hurt no matter what is always just as painful because of how you feel right there's nothing you can do no matter the perspective you have no matter if you're just like i know i'll get over it i know i'll be okay but that initial hurt is there it's the things that we do once we just like experience that first couple weeks and when we can when we

can slowly start to get better we often don't allow ourselves to do that and we do that because it's we have a hard time letting go giving up we've we we get in our head we try to understand things that are just not meant to be understood because sometimes we don't want to understand them and to understand them is to just kind of say out loud, they don't want to be with me anymore. And that really hurts to sometimes say that out loud. Maybe it's because there is another girl. I don't know. These are all possibilities and maybe there's some truth to all of it. Maybe there's not one specific girl, but maybe it's the idea of wanting to date other people. You guys don't have a lot of experience. That hurts to hear, I understand, but it's okay in the grand scheme of things,

right? I've always said this before. Right now, you're hurting so much that you're not acknowledging the things about the relationship that you weren't okay with. And I don't know how you feel about that. And I don't know if you're going to be like, well, I was just generally happy even though he did X, Y, and Z. But those things matter, right? There's no perfect relationship, right? And since you're not together, now is a good time to focus on the things that you didn't like, right? Assuming that it's not going to work out that in your next relationship, whenever that's going to be, you can try to not have those things you didn't like in your next relationship, right?

There might be other things you don't like, but who knows? In fact, this little thing he said in the beginning, maybe he didn't mean it that way. It's such a fuck you manipulative thing to be like, just so you know, I push people away. Setting yourself up for no matter what happens the next 10 years to let you know that you're the fighter, you're the fixer. And again, I so you know, I push people away. Setting yourself up for no matter what happens the next 10 years to let you know that you're the fighter, you're the fixer.

And again, I've been there. A lot of people have been there of not wanting to let go. And just that little planting that seed he did is going to make you want to fight, right? It's going to make you feel justified to be there for him through his depression, even though he, quite frankly, it sounds like doesn't want your help. He wants to break up, you know, and it's not because of his depression is my guess. And even if it is, even if it is, that's his depression. That's his journey. You're not his mom or sister. You're not family, even though it felt like you were, you know? And so I just think

the hurt you're feeling is normal. And I'm sorry, there's nothing you can do. Just know that you're not alone and it sucks and don't judge yourself. But the things that you can do to try to get over this are not try to understand the why. The why is people sometimes break up. I know that sounds a bit cold right now for you, but it should make you feel at least not alone in the fact that this happens to people. And yeah, this like, you know, the way going to bed, feeling anxious of hurt and then waking and then falling asleep out of pure exhaustion just because you're just exhausted from hurting only to wake up. And as soon as you wake up,

you literally feel that anxiety fill up your body to start another day. I know exactly how it feels. It'll pass, but you gotta let it pass, right? Each day will get better, but you gotta try to not obsess about the moments you miss. I know it's sometimes easier said than done, but you really got to try to focus on things

that you didn't like, right? Think about the things that you want in a relationship that you didn't get. I'm sure he's a great guy, but he's not a perfect guy. It wasn't a perfect relationship. You guys broke up, right? No, I guess, yeah. It felt so perfect. That's the thing too is like

it's first love i mean like god it's such a drug it's just like you know it's so great because you've never felt it before but i can promise you i can promise you you're going to find better relationships you just in at the risk of sounding condescending don't know the difference it's your first time you know it's your first time connecting with someone and that's great and exciting, but you also don't have a lot of experience what it's like to connect with other people. And you will, you just have to give it time and just have faith that this isn't. And I struggled with that in my first relationship. I just couldn't let go to all the great feelings I felt with her, even though there were plenty of bad and frustrations and arguments.

But that first feeling of love, I had such a fear that I wouldn't find it with anyone else. It seems so improbable because of how strongly I felt about her and that in the first 18 years of my life, I've never felt that before. And it seems so logical. It's like, oh, it took me 18 years to like find this how am i gonna find this again it's so great but i just i just had to let go and it took me i took it took me so long to do that i hope that you doesn't take you just as long and i hope if

uh you accept it because there i promise you there are other people you're going to love more i'm certain of it. I know it doesn't feel that way. It feels like that's possible. It's super true. It's super true, though. I don't know you, but I'm certain of that. I'm certain of it. Yeah.

I guess, and it's just hard letting go of the worry that I have for him, which everyone keeps making fun of me for that. They're like, he's not worrying about you. Don't be worried about him. But when I first met him, he was drinking like handles of liquor every couple days. He was. I'm going to be totally honest with you. That's a bit toxic.

That's a very dependent relationship. You felt special because he needed your help. That's not a healthy relationship. It's not normal. You deserve something better yeah in that relation you know you can feel just as in love and more in love with someone who doesn't need you to not have a drinking problem right right i guess yeah and that makes it like when he would tell me it would make you feel special and i get it trust me a lot of people listening get it. And when you get sad, just give yourself permission to be sad.

It's okay to be sad. Don't judge yourself, but don't also, again, just because you're sad, we've said it before, doesn't make him special. You can be sad and you can hurt without making you feel like you can't move on

because of how sad you are. You know, and don't feel like you have to go at the same pace as him if he's out on tinder dating doesn't mean you have to start now because maybe you're not ready and that's okay but you can like let go right yeah just you just have to give yourself permission to just say i'm gonna be okay start telling yourself i'm gonna okay. I have a lot to offer someone. I'm going to love again. I know you don't believe it and feel that, but you saying this to yourself will help.

I promise you. I promise you it will. Right now, he's a drug you're having a hard time getting over. It was a good drug. But we don't get over our addictions of whatever whatever we are addicted to by having cheat days right by like and i cheat like you having a cheat day would be watching a movie used to watch together even thinking and obsessively lying in bed thinking about happy times stalking his instagram like those are gonna that's like taking that hit of sugar when you're trying to get off of sugar, you know? Or if you're, you know, it makes it harder.

You relapse, you know? So try not to indulge in those things that are going to make you relapse and drag it out. I know it's really fucking hard. I'm sorry. I see your heart. I know. I can see your heart's affected, too. You're not alone.

You're not alone. I'm just going to tell you, like, listen to Nick. And this sounds so dumb, but this is just like girl on girl right now, right? So, like, I seriously went through what you went through. And it was the longest, like, craziest thing. And I was upset, crying. Everything he's saying, Instagram, like the whole thing, crying at night, thinking of all the things I could have done different,

thinking how he doesn't know he needs help, thinking about all these things, thinking about the things I used to do for him and be like, who's going to do those things for him now? And I literally had this conversation, the exact conversation. And I was like, he's going to figure it out. And I'm going to be fine. And I'm going to take that trip by myself, or I'm going to take it with my friends, or I'm going to do whatever. I can see how upset you are. So I just want you to know, it's been six months for me, girl, I'm living my best life right now. So you will find something else next. You will.

Yeah. And six months feels like forever right now. It'll go by fast. It'll go by fast. So fast. But yeah, it's what you're going through right now is going to, you're going to look back and you're going to appreciate this pain.

You will. It'll be a beautiful moment in your life. And it will be like, well, that really fucking sucked, but I'm thankful I lived it. You're going to appreciate life a little bit more. I think heartbreak is a great and beautiful thing that people, everyone should experience at some point, hopefully early on in their life. But there's a lot to be gained from it. As a guy, so he was so good to me, so nice. Never once like disrespectful, name-calling, fighting, none of that.

And then so even during the breakup, he sat there for three hours while I just yelled at him basically like, why are you doing this, blah, blah, blah. And he just said, I turned off my emotions. I'm numb to it. And then since then, he's just been cold and i don't understand how you can just flip quite frankly because there was never signs of it he's doing you a favor doing you a favor he's doing what i fear for you is in three or four months you start moving on he gets bored and comes back in your

life and then this thing that you guys have goes on for four years only for you guys to realize he's not your person right that's what i thought about that yeah i thought about i think he's doing you a favor by quite frankly doing what he's doing he's doing it the right way it hurts right now but he is being clear he's being definitive he's not giving he's not being wishy-washy. He's not trying to keep you hanging on while he sees if there's something better. But just in case he's not sure, he keeps you on the sideline. He's not doing that. And that would be worse. It might not feel worse right now. It would give you some hope, but it's way more toxic. He's doing you a favor. I promise you you're going to be fine.

Just know that. Tell yourself that. I'm going to be fine. You got to keep saying that. Say it out loud when you're alone. It really does help. I promise. Okay.

He was fine. He wasn't special. All right. I guess so. You're going to be okay. I wish I could give you a hug right now. You need to spend some time you a hug right now you need to spend some time making a list of things you hated about them i'm serious it helps it helps

yeah okay i'll try it i'll try anything right now all right you're gonna be okay and uh it's just new and raw and um you're gonna you're gonna you're gonna appreciate this i. It's been helpful knowing that I'm not alone because when this happened, it just feels like nobody's ever felt this before in their life. So many people have. You're going to be fine. And you'll be thankful you did, I promise. Okay.

All right? Well, I appreciate it. Yep, thank you. Best of luck. Thank you. All right, take care. Bye. Bye-bye.

Bye. How's it going? Hey, my name's Nicole. I you. All right. Take care. Bye. Bye. How's it going? Hey, my name's Nicole. I'm 25 years old. Hi. How can I help? Okay.

So I hooked up with my roommate's best friend like three or four weeks ago, maybe. And I guess my problem is that my feelings just go up and down, like from like zero to like totally 100 like ready to date picturing our whole future together and then like the next day i'll be like oh my gosh definitely totally wrong like can't believe i thought that like when you say your best friend is your roommate a male female is his roommate my roommate's a female her best friend's a guy okay um and your dilemma other than not sure how you feel about this guy you've hooked up with like what's the relationship with your roommate

is that make it complicated or is that just providing some context oh yeah that's a good question um so she's like totally cool with everything she's like sort of backed off she's like i'm not gonna meddle even though like i want to meddle but like I'm happy for you as long as you're both happy like as long as no one's an asshole like I don't really care how it goes okay so that part we're totally fine with but I do feel like it puts extra pressure on me like if things don't work out it just feels like as soon as things start like they have to go all the way to being in a relationship immediately. And it's hard for me to separate, oh, could we just date? Because I actually met up with him last week and basically told him, I'm not really comfortable being in the gray zone

and I'm not ready for a relationship. So let's just be friends for now. But then as soon as I told him that- That's the gray zone. Almost immediately after I was like, I'm ready to date. But I didn't tell him that because I was like, I'm cycling back and forth. Do you realize that even you saying that you're like, I don't like the gray zone, but can we just be in the gray zone? Because you've already hooked up and you're like, well, let's just be friends. And you've got to appreciate from his point of view, if he likes you's like what the fuck does that mean wait okay but i said the gray zone as in like still hooking up at parties or like seeing when we see each other and now like just friendship okay so you'll cut the

hooking hooking up part out yes but like what is your intention that's so great well so sure in the sense of because it's like well what are your intentions? So sure, in the sense of, because it's like, well, what are your intentions? What does this friendship mean to you? Cause it's not like, you know what I'm saying? Like. Right. I mean, we weren't close friends before. Like I would say he was around semi-frequently

and we always had like positive interactions with each other, but we were never hanging out like one-on-one. Okay. There's not really like a, I don't know. I guess we're going back to being acquaintances i don't know acquaintances that's why i'm stressed acquaintances where you go to a party he's there he's flirting with another girl and you are indifferent yeah but i don't

know if i would be yeah yeah that's the problem but i feel like i can't tell him that without like jumping right back into like dating well why can't you date um i just i feel like as soon as i agree to like do that that's when i am like oh wait no i don't like him well okay i get that but. Yeah, I mean, you know, maybe this is from a, you can date, right? Dating being there are some, I always describe it as expectations, right? Right. What are the expectations? Expectations in a marriage are different than expectations in an engagement are different than expectations of in a serious relationship are different than expectations you have, you know date you know what i'm saying like those are all stages in a relationship so you hooked up that yeah obviously fast forward some expectations potentially yeah but there's nothing wrong with um dating which is like i want to keep hanging out with you and and and i don't want to act like we're

platonic friends because I'm attracted to you and I like you, but we still have to get to know each other. So it seems insane to all of a sudden commit to only each other when there's a lot we don't know. So for maturely opening to both do that. There is an obstacle knowing that your roommate is his best friend. So it's like hard for you to feel like the independence to like still be in a dating app and maybe go on another date or knowing that he's on another date. Because most of those times in the world, you know, it's kind of like don't ask, don't tell that other person might be dating and they're allowed to because I'm doing the same thing. And we're just, we're not really talking about that. And that's normal because you're dating, because you're getting to know each other.

And when that takes the next step of like advancing the expectations of maybe defining the relationship and being exclusive, then you like introduce things like trust and accountability and limitations in a relationship. Right? So. Right. trust and and and accountability and limitations in a relationship right so right but how do i fight the feeling of like as soon as i agree to go on a date with him and then the next minute i want to cancel it and tell him we need to go back to being friends i think that's my real problem and then as soon as i say that i'm like okay yeah let's go on a date and it's just like therapy i don't know oh Oh crap. I mean, I mean, I'm teasing. There's also nothing wrong with therapy in a sense that, yeah, that's a little

nutty. Right. And like, I don't want to, yeah, exactly. So that's why I was like, okay, we just have to go back to being friends because I don't want to be the person who's like jerking him around. But every time you do that, you're jer him around so yeah exactly you yeah i think you're just i think you're trying to be honest without being honest with him and the honest answer is what you're saying is like listen i like you i i'm this dynamic is freaking me out here's how i feel tell him what you just told us i don't know how he's going to respond but at least it's honest and at least it does let him know that you actually care about him more than just being like let's just be friends because it's gonna if he likes you how that's gonna feel to

him is like well fuck she's just she's able to hook up with me and then act like she doesn't give a shit if i do flirt with someone else wow she really fucking hates me you know how would you take it if you if he did the same thing to you? I know. I would feel like crap. You would feel worse. We should just be friends. No, but saying we should just, like, why can they be friends with me? Why don't they give a shit? Why don't, why isn't it awkward?

Okay. You know what I'm saying? So that's how you would probably feel if you liked him. And that's, we sometimes forget to put ourselves in the other person's point of view. So if you're just honest with them about saying, I don't know i got some shit to work out i plan on working out but i this is how i feel i like you but when we set expectations i i'm i panic and then i want to push you away and i'm not saying that to like make you want to chase me i'm just trying to be honest as possible so maybe we do slow things down and maybe i need to figure some things out. But just so you know, I do like you and I'm not indifferent to you.

Okay. At least that's honest. It might be still confusing, but that's honest, you know? Okay. And then he can't throw things back in your face in the before. Because if you start pretending to be something you're not, if you start pretending to be indifferent when you're not indifferent, that's something you can throw in your face in the future right that's true i guess okay so the other element of it is that he's always like i'm an

emotional person so that was part of the reason i also wanted to take a step back because i just feel like i'm not as emotional okay well that's just that i don't know how to deal with it that's just something you two will figure out whether you're compatible or not. Right. Okay. Yeah. Those are two different things we're talking about in a dating situation. Those are things you figure out. Right. You have to allow yourself to be okay with figuring those things out without arbitrarily just pushing them away because you set a date to go on a date, you know, you know, the along came Polly of like,

Hey, do you want to go out? Like, I think I've, you know, I don't know if you've seen that movie, but it's great. She's like totally manic at first where she calls them up to like,

agree to a date and then be like, I don't know. I think I have plans. Go watch along. Yeah, that's exactly how it is. Go watch along. Okay.

All right. You will relate to jennifer anderson's character okay but you yeah it's you know um yeah so and then if you agree to just get to know him go on dates invite some expectations then you figure out whether you're compatible you agreeing to date him and get to know him is not agreeing to have five kids together. Okay. You know what I'm saying? Don't make that mental leap. I know it sounds so obvious, but it doesn't feel obvious. Let's have dinner. I don't want kids. I'm not ready for carpool. Yeah. What are you asking of me? You're just agreeing to dinner maybe some sex you know

you've already had sex i know and he's you know doesn't did he freak out when you said let's be friends no he said he doesn't really care if he gets hurt though i was like okay i don't want to hurt you know that's romantic and mature and he might be lying to himself, but at least he handled that in a way that said, hey, I'm willing to take a shot. Okay. Okay. And so I'm allowed to like, just go along with that and like, not constantly be worried that he will get hurt. Or maybe you'll get hurt.

You know, maybe you're protecting yourself. I don't, I don't know. Yeah. He sounds like he's super into you. Somebody who would say that it's like, I am so down with this girl, whatever she wants, I'll do. Just don't, don't wait too long because then, then you'll be like wishy-washy and then he'll go find somebody who really appreciates him and then you'll be like shit i wish i had that right that's my other fear yeah listen okay okay the odds are the odds are without knowing you

and without knowing him that if you try to date him you'll date for a couple years and break up this is the odds just because that's what happens. Odds being like, you know, like you're looking for one. And then he might be sad or you might be sad, but like, fuck it. That's life and that's dating and just go for it. Like, what are you going to do? Just like not do it because you're going to like imagine all the possible scenarios of what happened that includes me. And just be like, you know what?

It's just easier not to do this. It's just easier. Yeah. I don't have to worry about like who gets the car. I don't know. Like what if we buy a couch and then break up and like, I don't know. Do we cut it?

We should just not date. Okay. Yeah. That is a little insane. But. Listen, you're not alone it's normal i'm guilty of that a little bit as well um so a little bit so yeah but i don't know it sounds like you just fucking date the guy okay and all the things that you don't know if you like about him and he'll like you that's why you date okay that's a good point so you figure it out i was half expecting you to say like oh no your feelings change all

the time so that means you don't like him but again there might be some things you need to work on yourself that might require therapy or just seeing a long k apolyte apolyte but like these are normal things but yeah you know what i'm saying like yeah yeah uh just figure it out it sounds like you like him yeah doesn't sound like you know for sure if you love him or you will like him in a month but right now there's things about him you like and want to explore more no matter what you get learned about him i just a heads up, there will be things you don't like about him. Right. Okay.

Are some of those things that you are okay to deal with? And some of those things might not be. He might be more emotional than you, and that might balance you out in a way that you appreciate. Those were things that you guys will figure out how to communicate. You might, it might turn out that like in three months, you can't look at him because he's so emotional that it disgusts you. That's also a possibility. And then you break up, you know, like, I don't know the answer. That's why you date. So like on those days, I'm like, that's exactly how it would turn out. And then the other days, I'm like, oh, maybe not. Yeah. And there's probably going to be a little bit of a balance.

And then you figure it out, right? You figure out how you guys mesh and communicate. And then you learn each other's love languages. He learns about what makes you tick. How does he connect with you and vice versa? He learns how you receive love, right? And then he learns how you give love. And then you learn the same about him.

That's, it's all dating. And then again, most likely you guys will realize that, you know, I'm just, but figure it out. I don't know. He still might be the most amazing person. And then you'll get married and have those five kids. You'll be super happy. And then thank me for saving your life.

And cross that bridge when I get there. You'll have a great couch. Yeah. And Ben Stiller will be a new hero. And we'll share the couch forever. Breaking up is like, it's fine. Yeah. Heartbreak sucks, but it's fine.

You'll survive. It's also a lot of fun. You might have some great moments. And if it requires some awkward conversations with your roommate, then you'll deal with it when it happens. Right. You know? Yeah.

But you're just like having these like insane conversations with yourselves with him. It's like, what am I doing? I don't know. Yeah. Well, I'm trying to keep him out of it so he doesn't think I'm actually insane. You're human. And he has his quirks too i'm sure yeah go watch along came polly i'm gonna do that tonight uh it's a good movie and then like write us back and tell us what you think because i'm dying to know after you watch it what you think like i'm serious you want to go on a date no i don't want to get married do you have a ferret

should i get one um so i think that's that's what you should do okay yeah that's good advice it's like way more stable than my current plans i guess wait till he gets back in town and then i'll reach out to him or something or you could just like text him and be like hey what's up yeah that's true we still kind of snapchat sometimes so that wouldn't be super weird yeah okay well thank you you don't have to like get this right in a day or yeah okay you know there's no no rush it's no rush and there's no like you know it's not like make this work or die yeah it's just a couch be honest be considerate and be you know and and you'll figure it out

okay all right thank you all right best of luck thanks all right bye guys you too what an episode that was a fun one yeah i think uh maybe the biggest takeaway on this episode is uh you know breakups they're a beautiful thing they suck sometimes but let's not let's not stop living let's not stop dating because breakups are a possibility yeah very well said um other than that thanks for listening guys thanks obviously to our callers uh don't forget to send your questions at ask nick at castmedia.com cast with a k as always you guys uh can be anonymous um so know that uh if you want me to help your life, because I will. And yeah, always thanks for listening, guys.

Don't forget to rate us five stars. Always sincerely appreciate you guys doing that. And subscribe. Subscribe. And we will see you on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. We'll see you on Wednesday with Chris Schell. Oh, we'll see you on Wednesday with Chris shell dancing with the stars selling sunset

talking about relationships life you know yeah I'm excited for this one get ready guys it's going to be juicy bye