The Viall Files - E177 Ask Nick - What, Does He Have A Magic Dick Or Something?

Episode Date: September 21, 2020

On today's episode of Ask Nick we dive right in with a caller who wants to know: when should you intervene in a friend's toxic relationship and how involved should you get? We then speak to someone who’s boyfriend continually emotionally cheats on her and instead of asking herself, "is the relationship good for me?" is asking how to forgive him. Finances, effective communication, and everyday chores are the issues we face with a woman who feels like her partner is not giving as much as she does. And finally we have a caller that is dating her friend's brother- again- and it did not go well the first time. So how does she tell her friend now that it is happening again? “Time served is not a reason to be in a relationship.”  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS:HIDRATE SPARK: http://www.hidratespark.com/viall to get FREE U.S. shipping RELIEF BAND: http://www.reliefband.com and use promo code VIALL to receive 20% off RITUAL: http://www.ritual.com/VIALL  for 10% off during your first three months LIQUID IV: http://www.liquidiv.com and use code: VIALL to get 25% off BEST FIENDS: http://www.bestfiends.com Please go to https://pca.eonline.com/pop-culture/the-pop-podcast-of-2020 and nominate The Viall Files for The E People's Choice Awards for favorite podcast Episode Socials:   Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

it's hydrate time hey because it's glowing my hydrate spark glows every time i need to drink water an amazing app i love the hydrate spark steel because it keeps things cold for 24 hours 24 hours yeah hot beating sun at the beach doesn't matter where you go you put your cool wonderful liquids in there and bam whenever you need to hydrate your body's thirsty more liquids you don't know but your hydrate spark knows when your body needs to drink water and it lets you know you get some water it's amazing so order your hydrate spark steel today and get free u.s shipping don't wait't wait. Go to HydrateSpark.com slash V-I-A-L. That's HydrateSpark with an I. H-I-D-R-A-T-E. Spark.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Yo, Bi-Fis. Yeah, we're landing on Bi-Fis. There is this award ceremony called People's Choice

Awards. Maybe you've heard of it. Podcast is a category category you can nominate your favorite podcast if this podcast happens to be you know your favorite that would be great and you could uh nominate biofiles you can nominate us 20 times per email address so you know maybe if you you know want to do that we can win this award together you know just there's a link in our Instagram, in the descriptions or the notes for this episode. We can win this award together. And anything I can do to help, just let me know. Maybe we can hang out or anything. I'm not saying it would mean a lot, but also it would if I'm being totally vulnerable and honest with you guys. So, yeah, just nominate us 20 times, 100 times. Tell your friends.

That would be great. Thanks in advance. Well, happy Monday. I hope you had a great weekend. And thank God for Mondays because we're here. Yeah. You get to solve everyone's problems on Mondays. Yeah.

We got some great calls lined up for you. So if you are feeling down about yourself and you want to hear other people's problems, great. If you are maybe having some relationship problems, maybe you might find some of this amazing content very relatable. So relatable. I hope you guys enjoy it. As always, thank you for listening it means a lot uh also uh if you guys want to tell all your friends how how great these astnick episodes are we always appreciate

you sharing on your social i'll try to repost some of those on your Instagram stories. We do appreciate it. I can't thank you guys enough for supporting the show. Anything else? No, just thank you for sending in your questions. Yeah, sending your questions at asknigga.castme.com, cast with a K. Fun for us to read, I'll tell you what. It's fun for us to interact with the audience. It's the show that we get to do that on,

so I think it's great. Right, and you get to be totally anonymous if you so choose yes or we'll make you famous entirely up to you make you famous uh thanks for listening guys we appreciate it let's just get to the calls let's do it How's it going? Good. Going well. How are you? Good. Good. My name is Christine, and I'm 25 years old.

Hi, Christine. How can I help? Hi. So I have had a best friend since high school. We went to high school together. We went to college together. And now we are still friends. And she has been dating this guy for the past five years. He was emotionally abusive to her and a big gaslighter. And we've kind of been telling her for a couple years that it's been happening. And so finally, last fall, she broke up with him. They were living together for the past two years. She was like, I'm done. We're through. And we were all so excited. She said how happy she was. And they moved out. And now that the pandemic has happened, and they're both in the same city, they have reunited and are essentially dating again. And she's now calling him her boyfriend,

as of even yesterday, I had a call with her. And I just am curious your thoughts on how far is too far to intervene in a friend's toxic relationship because she has told me all of the horrible things that he's done i've seen it in the flesh and now it seems to be that she's kind of hiding him from us again because i think she's worried about what we're Sure. So she doesn't know that you know that they're back together? So up until yesterday, so essentially, the pandemic happened, they were kind of hanging out. And when we would ask her about him she would say oh well we're talking again we're friends we're taking it slow and then all of a sudden yesterday apparently a friend uh friend's mom ran into her and she was like oh what's going on and she said oh my boyfriend and the mom goes oh are you with a new person and she goes oh no it's my ex and she goes oh my gosh i thought you hated him and she was like oh um well no we're back together he's changed which is you know

the ultimate umbrella word that she's been using even though it's been less than six months that they've broken things off so now essentially she's listen there's not much you probably can do um yeah especially in this situation there's kind of a a saying you know you can try to show them not tell them you know when you tell someone though you're dating an asshole that's never never works right no no yeah you have to try to show them right somehow right you know evidence, like, see, this is what he's doing. You know, sometimes that's even hard. You know, like if they're cheating, you actually have to show them that they're cheating or something like that.

Right. You know, how they talk to, you know, but yes, you have to try to show them, not tell them. In this situation, it sounds like if I'm hearing you right, she broke up with him because she finally acknowledged the things he's done. She's not in denial that he was an asshole or that he gaslit her or whatever all the shit he did. She's now convinced herself, whether true or untrue, that he's dating. And who knows? I don't know this guy.

I guess it's possible. But we agree maybe unlikely in six months. She's just bored and lonely. She tried to date, I'm guessing, in the past six months unsuccessfully. Maybe had a couple bad dates. Maybe even liked a guy who didn't like her back, and then she just got desperate and impatient. And then he popped back in at a convenient time

and has so far said all the right things. And right now, my guess is, if this is like any other situation, she feels a little bit empowered because she ended it. He feels a little bit like he's got to prove herself. Eventually, when they get back together that will flip they'll go back to whatever norm they had in their relationship yeah and then you can just be the friend to once again remind her uh or point things out and show her and let her say it to you you

know the truth is you're gonna eventually listen as long as like she's not like in danger right um and she's not let her date the guy let her you know be the asshole that he is he probably maybe and if he's changed then he's changed if she's happy like you know maybe yeah maybe he is but in terms of like what's the like intervention i wouldn't do much right now there's not much you can do you don't you don't know because if you go to him and say well i doubt he's changed then you you're sure but she's going to be like well he's different you know i don't know she you have no leverage you know you have no evidence there's nothing you really can say yeah she's a big girl. She's an adult.

Right now, she's not asking you your opinion. She's actually trying to hide it from you. So, quite frankly, what I would be right now is a friend. Make her feel safe for her to talk to you about her relationship, even if it's not something that you love. Accept her decision. Let you about her relationship, even if it's not something that you love. Accept her decision. Let her make her own mistakes. And then when it probably happens again, not in a judgmental way,

but be there for her and say, hey, listen, no judgment. I get it. I've been there before. But maybe you were just bored and lonely and that's why you gave him the benefit of the doubt. And hey, listen, you did that because you loved him and you wanted to believe he did change.

But maybe next time you get bored and lonely, you won't give him a third chance or a fourth chance, as sometimes people do. Yeah. No, that makes total sense. I think I've been trying to be that friend and just telling her that i am concerned for her not just because i don't want her to be yeah she doesn't need to hear that she knows you're

concerned she doesn't she knows that and she knows you're concerned you don't need to point and that's where i keep exactly exactly and so i think and she she feels that from me so that's why i'm kind of like i that completely makes sense in terms of being the friend being there and kind of and i mean we're in a pandemic like I can't hang out with them. You know, the issue was before is that she would always say, well, it's totally fine when we're together. It's just the two of us, but we always have issues when we're with other people. And that's kind of where that's coming from. I think in my brain, isn't it? It's, it's the weirdest thing I thing i've heard i mean they've been together for years they kind of had a weird period like this where they broke up like four years ago for a little bit they kind of dated other people and then they were back so it's kind of this like repeated thing almost like you were saying the third chance and this is kind of her third chance not her second chance so that's why i'm 25 and he's 28 almost 29 yeah she's bored yeah and i i feel that i i totally i think right now

you should almost be more like over surprisingly not judgmental by her decision because there's not much you can really do right now and then be there for her and let her feel comfortable enough for her to vent to you about him if she ever wants to because if you're judgmental now right she's not going to want to hear i told you so right so then she'll want to protect him longer than she otherwise even maybe wants to herself and she's gonna you know oh god he's being an asshole again but now my friends are gonna be like i told you so like like she can't call you yeah so let so just yeah make her feel like it's okay we've been there before we've taken some risks and then instead of her making her feel like well you were bored i

told you so just be like hey listen you is this you know ask simple questions like i always do are you happy do you want to be happy what makes you happy about being with him are do you are you bored do you think you are just you know like instead of just attack just let her answer ask the questions you know let her ask for herself and then she might just go down that path but there's not much you can do right now let him let him prove to her whether he's changed or not and okay most likely won't take too much time yeah awesome i appreciate it no problem yeah thank you so much no my pleasure best of luck thank you just be her friend i will i will yes all right thank you all right take care chrissy do you get motion sickness i get the worst motion sickness especially when flying yeah a lot of people a lot of people do vanessa puked on a plane when i was dating her when you

move the runway i get like motion sickness the the first pull out. Thank God Relief Band is here for you now. Yeah. So it's going to save your relationship. It didn't save mine, but Relief Band is helping people with motion sickness. Relief Band is the number one FDA cleared anti-nausea wristband that has been clinically proven to relieve nausea and vomiting associated with motion sickness, morning sickness, chemotherapy, anxiety, hangovers, migraines, and so much more. This product is 100% drug-free, non-drowsy, fast-acting, and provides all-natural relief with zero side effects. How it works is relief band stimulates a nerve in the wrist that travels to the part of the brain that controls nausea.

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You don't think about that stuff. You do not. Try out Satisfaction Guaranteed. Go to ritual.com slash V-I-A-L to start your ritual today. That's 10% off during your first three months at ritual.com slash V-I-A-L-L. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? I'm Brittany and I'm 29. How can I help Brittany? So I've been dating this guy for a little over three years and he's emotionally cheated on me twice. And the most recent one was about a month ago and they're coworkers. So it makes it a little harder.

And I'm just trying to figure out a way to navigate on how to forgive him. Why? Okay. Well, what do you mean by emotionally cheating twice? I think a lot of people have – that could be a broad spectrum of things. Could you give some specifics on what he did? could be a broad spectrum of things what could you give some specifics on what he did um so the most recent one it was um i saw some text messages i guess that were kind of a little too flirty and also i found out that he went to her house but supposedly was just helping with like hardware stuff. So, I mean, I don't know.

Okay. And did you confront him? Yes. And he said, and he said what? He just said that the only reason why he was texting her and saying that she was beautiful and stuff like that was because she told him that she was feeling bad about herself. So he was trying to say he was trying to make herself feel better. And that, um,

and also that he knew he was in the wrong. And, uh, how did you come across these messages? Uh, so with the first one, I kind of always had trust issues, but I tried my best to forgive him.

So like two years later, this, the recent one, I, uh, just had a bad bad gut feeling I don't even know how to explain it like I had this gut feeling that something was going on and I know it's horrible but I looked through his phone and I saw it on there and um it was he like screenshot the photos and he's not really tech savvy so like the photos he tried deleting them but then I saw them deleted files. Okay, so he tried to cover his tracks? Yeah.

Okay, that's not a good sign. No. And why are you so – why is your main – I'm not saying it's wrong, but why is your main goal to forgive him? I mean, for one, that's what he told me I need to do. And secondly, I know. From his point of view, sure. Yeah. I mean, secondly, I mean, I know me deep down.

The only way I can get through it is by forgiving because you don't want to always, you know, live in the past. That's assuming you stay with the guy. Is that not an option for you? Well, I want to, you know what I mean? I invested a little over three years and I obviously love him. Sure. I get it.

But like, you know, I keep saying time served really isn't a reason to be in a relationship. Right. You invested three years. Yes. And if it were to end tomorrow by him, you know, coming home from work and being like, all right, I got to be honest with you. I'm in love with this other person. We need to break up.

You wouldn't have a choice in that matter. Right. And then you would look back on the past three years and go oh we had some good times and bad times and i learned some things about myself and i this part just sucked and there's nothing really to take from this and it was still fun etc etc and you'll move on you know over a period of time i guess what i'm saying is like i so we all do that it's like oh oh, I was with this person for so long. Like we should always be evaluating,

like not like consciously necessarily, but we should always be evaluating how someone who we're with makes us feel. You know, in a way we should always be wondering, checking in with ourselves and our emotions and our relationship and saying, am I still happy? Is it still good? Are we still progressing? Without considering how long you've been dating.

There's a reason why you're not, I mean, you get married, you say your vows, you say till death do you part. And so you can sit there and debate whether like, you know, should you ever get divorced or should you work through problems, et cetera, because we had these vows of death till death do us part. But you haven't said that yet. So there's a reason why. Otherwise, why don't you might as well just get married now because you are talking as if, well, we've been together for three years, so there's really no option to break up. I have to always, no matter what happens between us, figure out a way to get over it or forgive him

because I've been dating him for three years and I love him. Right? And like, what do you love about him? I know, I already know a couple of things that you don't love about him based off of our early conversation. What are things that you love about them? You know, I mean, I don't even necessarily need you to answer right now, but those are things you should constantly evaluate. You know, especially when things like this go, what happened when you have a gut feeling that something's wrong. And then, you know, yes, we can sit there and debate

whether you should have checked his phone or not, but you found something, you have trust issues, as you mentioned, this is only going to hurt those trust issues. And so you need to then, before you start thinking about, well, how do I get over this? How do I forgive him? You need to start asking yourselves, do I want to? Am I happy? Can I get over this? Should I want to get over this? What are some other things about the relationship I like or don't like you know why did i feel this way you know is this a bigger issue do i constantly feel a little bit insecure about my relationship

with him do i always feel like he's doing some shit i know you know those types of questions before you start asking the question how do i forgive him if somehow the way you talk is if you did something wrong why is the burden on you like why all of a sudden do you like he did some shit and now he's telling you what you need to do sounds fucked up to me no i i get what you mean um i don't know I just feel like I self-blame a lot, and maybe that's why. Listen, you're afraid. That's okay.

You're afraid of the possibility of ending this relationship. Yeah. Sounds like you have not a ton of power in this relationship. Your only power is probably, and this might sting just a tad but is to like get insecure and and accuse him of doing some shit and checking his phone and catching him once in a while and then putting him on the defense in which he quickly just turns it around on you and you know we'll cop up to like a couple things be like well, yeah, I guess I shouldn't have done this. And here's an explanation. And listen, maybe that's true. Maybe until he deleted some shit, you know, but listen, I have there are some there's a reason why you shouldn't check people's phones because yes, not everything you read is is if you're looking for something, you're going to find it kind of thing. Right. And I have called women beautiful and tried to make them feel good. for something you're going to find it kind of thing right and i have called women beautiful and tried to make them feel good um when i had a girlfriend and and that happened once where like

my my girlfriend saw something and i i had no bad intentions i didn't want anything to do with this girl but she was down and about some guy and i was like any guy would be lucky to have you kind of stuff and then she read it and i was like i what why are you reading this like you know it's like i was just trying to be nice. I don't want anything to do with her, you know. But at the same time, it seems like there's some other things going on here. Yeah, I think the issue is like the fact that he screenshot the photos and then deleted them. I think that's just super sketchy to me.

Yeah, right. But I'm not telling you what to do as far as this relationship, except that I think you need to take a step back, reset, stop. Your biggest priority right now shouldn't be, how do I get over this? It should be, what do I want to do? And you should start thinking to yourself in terms of, I can do anything I want. How old are you again?

29. I'm only 29. I'm beautiful. I'm hot. I can have pretty much any guy I want. What do I want to do? Do I want to give this guy three more years of my life? I've already given him three amazing years.

Wow, what a lucky guy. Do I want to give him more you gotta like you gotta literally think in those terms not like well i've already i've already invested three years with this guy you know i'm saying you got to change your mindset and like he's done some shit and like you know what what he's done it's not the worst thing but do i want to forgive him because i don't have to i definitely don't have to forgive him. I would be doing him a huge favor if I decided to forgive him. But do I want to? Is he worth my time? What are the other things he's done that make me want to forgive him? What am I getting out of this? Change your mindset in that sense. When you start thinking in those terms, and it's going to

be hard. I don't think that's something you've been doing lately. But you should try to do that. You should listen to this podcast over and over when it comes out and start thinking to yourself in those terms. It might really change your perception of how you want to handle this situation. Make him feel like this the fact that he feels comfortable enough to tell you you have to get over this means that he thinks he has all the power and all the control in this relationship and that should make you mad yeah it does but but nothing i don't know who is this guy does he just have a massive dick Like what's so special about him that he can't? Is it Ryan Reynolds? Like what is,

what is, is he super rich? Is he super, like what's going on here? Because you're just, the idea of leaving him isn't an option for you. I feel like it's not. Yeah,

I know. That's how you're sounding. And that's your, that's your biggest problem. And I'm not telling you you should leave them, but I don't care who you are. I don't care what relationship. It should always be an option,

especially before you're married. There's kind of romance in that. Someone every day should earn the right to be able to still call you their girlfriend or boyfriend. Yeah. And you have like given, you've signed away. You you're like you you know you get to call me your girlfriend no matter what you do yeah so what is it about him makes me want to stay with him yeah him specifically how he makes you feel

well he makes me happy and he's actually probably, honestly, the funniest person I've ever met. He's funny. Humor is a huge thing for me. And I don't know how to explain it. I mean, I don't know. He, yeah, I don't know. Just putting me on the spot is kind of making me like i don't know i

think you should think about it and it's fine if you want to stay with them and there's other funny guys out there and i understand that humor is a big deal but there should be more and it should be easy for you to list off yeah and no matter how much you love him and no matter how great they are, they should, you know, you don't want to, again, I'm not saying anytime you're in a happy relationship, everyone should be on their toes and be like, oh, they could break up with me at any moment. But no one should ever be that comfortable, especially before they're married, that they have this in the bag. And no matter what they do, this person will always be around to forgive them. And they shouldn't ever feel comfortable enough to be like well you're just gonna have to forgive me well yeah and then i guess i forgot to mention like his other excuse why he said that is because so he's um he's 31 okay um she is 22 or 23 i can't remember um and his excuse was saying well i'm not getting any younger and um

he has um he's kind of insecure about himself i don't know why he has no reason to be but he says he's very insecure how he looks like and it just kind of made me feel like it's like okay am i not pretty enough am i not young enough you know what i mean what does he mean i don't understand what he means it sounds just like some shit he said yeah like he was just like oh i'm 31 i'm getting fat i'm not getting any better looking and i'm like okay that's appreciated from like the hot 22 year old or something the attention yeah younger girl basically made him feel better which then made you feel like shit by him telling you that because then you felt like you weren't a 22 year old girl who like made him feel good about himself right yeah nice to do to you you had like four cups of coffee today do you know what you should have had instead of four cups of coffee i should have had uh well i've i've already had some liquid iv today just

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Brain games, just keeping things sharp. I need to keep doing it because I have so much going on and I like to unwind with best fiends. I know you like the cute characters and you just have a ball. You've been traveling out lady yeah get some sex actually actually it's been so good because i can play it on the plane because i don't need the internet and i could do it at the airport i've actually been doing it a lot and i don't know i don't know i killed slugs like i don't know if chrissy wants to know this she loves it so much immediately after sex she busts out best fiend it's like an unwon and then like what i have to feed my brittle Best Fiend. It's like an un-one. I do, and then like what? I have to feed my brittle character.

It's amazing. It's like important. It's kind of fun, and they're constantly updating things. You can play with your friends. Like Chrissy said, you can offline. Cute characters. Again, there are new challenges, new puzzles, constantly keeping it fresh and fun for you and your friends.

It's free to download and has literally millions of five-star reviews on the apple app store and google play like i said more levels events and challenges added all the time so play away people download best fiends free today at the apple app store or google play that's friends without the r best fiends also he's basically saying that like my ego is more important than the stability of our relationship because like as i get fatter and older i'm going to need more compliments i don't know like i don't it doesn't make any sense it sounds like you said it in a very convincing way that made you feel like you you're supposed to be sympathetic to him.

Well, it actually kind of honestly made me feel like shit about myself more than anything. Then he was unsuccessful in his attempt to subtly gaslight you. Yeah. So there we go. As we uncover this, as we talk more, it sounds like he doesn't make you feel as awesome of you as you just assume yeah he makes you laugh congratulations there's a you know i get it i don't you know so all i'm saying is you need to just be open to the possibility that you can do better

yeah and it doesn't matter if you've been with him for three years be open to the possibility that you can do better. Yeah. And it doesn't matter if you've been with them for three years. You know? There's plenty of 31-year-olds who are in the prime of their lives and in great shape and not getting fatter and more confident

with themselves and would be lucky, feel lucky to have you. Probably wouldn't make you feel bad about yourself. Yeah. But, and I say this, unfortunately, your biggest problem is you, even though he sucks, maybe. And what I'm saying is like,

you just have to believe that you deserve more and that you want more and that dating is an option for you and that he has gotten three great years from being with you and has nothing to do with whether you invested your time listen the past three years were it was your life you invested in your life and that and that three years included him but it's not if it ends you'll be fine it's not like it's just like you know people talk about relationships as if it's like some sort of like career it's like well i invested three years in being a teacher and i don't want to start all over being you know uh i don't know a geologist or something i don't know because like I lose tenure or all the vacation days that come with like

me doing this for three years. No, it's just, you'll break up with one person you used to have sex with and watch Netflix and then you'll date another person you'll have sex with and watch Netflix with. Like, what are you really missing out on? You have this, and you can apply the same dating experience that you learned in the past relationship.

And like. Now that should be a T-shirt. You know, I just. We talk about it. It's like we can't move on because like. I've built up so much equity. And like what? Now, have you?

Like, yeah, they're just. It's just a different dick. You know. Also a T-shirt. It's just a different dick, you know? Also a t-shirt. So metaphorically and physically. Just be open to the possibility he's not your guy. Give yourself permission to consider other options. Take some of your power back.

Stop feeling like you have to do these things. You have the choice. He is just an option. he's just a guy and every day he should uh do the things that protect the relationship he claims he wants to be in and it's not your responsibility to get over anything yeah okay all right start all right start repeating this you don't really believe me right now so when this comes out like next week just keep listening to me lecture you over and over and over and all right well thank you all right take care all right you too bye-bye how's it going good how are you good how can i help okay um my question is basically on like the division of labor and finances. My boyfriend

and I, we have three kids, two together, and one is my child from the last relationship. But I'm a teacher and he owns a business and he makes more money than I do. And he kind of, when he gets off work, he feels like he's worked so hard. So he doesn't really have to do a whole lot when he gets home. And when I get off work, I'm making the dinner, bathing the kids and all those sorts of things. So my question to you basically is, and I get mad a lot. And he's like, well, I give you everything and I pay for all these nice things for you to have. So you should just be happy.

And, you know, so I just feel like I do a lot of work and he doesn't have to do a whole lot. He's telling you you need to be happy. Yeah. He's like, you know, because we do have a house on the water and that sort of thing. He's like, I give you everything. You don't have to worry about money and where it's coming from. And I'm trying to like save money for our kids and college and all those types of things. Basically he's saying that

I don't have anything to worry about. So I should just be happy doing laundry. But you are worried about something. Oh yeah. I mean, I still pay. I pay some of the bills. I pay for childcare and I pay for BGE and the kids stuff BGE and the

kids stuff and sports and that sort of thing. You guys aren't married. So it's not like we are not. And that bothers you. Oh yeah. And that's another thing. I'm like, I'm not even your wife yet.

And does he know that? Sometimes I don't really say it like that. I have said, you know, I'm like, I'm doing a lot of wife stuff for not being your wife. Okay. Okay. Yeah.

Has he been married before? Yes. He has. Yeah. So he's divorced. I think he was married about three years, and that's why I don't press it too much. But we've been together for five years now. Does he have kids in that other relationship?

No. So he only has kids with you? Yes. Listen, for someone you have two kids with and you've been with for five years i think you need to be a little bit less passive aggressive and a little bit more aggressive with the things that you want i mean i understand there comes with some fears in terms of not getting the answers you want from him but that's how you feel, right? You feel a certain way and it's frustrating you and you get mad as you say,

and like he might even sense it, but you're going about it in a way that's, again, passive aggressive and indirect. So it gives him an opportunity to either A, be confused or kind of like tiptoe around the real issue because you're not really being direct with the real issue yeah i mean i don't say a whole lot i just kind of he always says like if you just ask me to take out the trash i'll take it out i'm like what i have to you know ask you to do these things yeah welcome to the struggle of men and women you know um but that's not really

the issue right all these other little things that are frustrating you are the bigger issue of it sounds like you feel a little bit insecure about um the stability in the long-term place that you will have in this relationship you know you want to get married to him for whatever reason you're not engaged and you have questions as to why, right? And instead of having a conversation with him about that, you have tried to ask and answer these questions to yourself. And then with doing that on your own, you've created a lot of possibilities.

And when we get in our heads about things and we decide to be the source of the information, it just creates more confusion and more frustration than we projected onto this person. And I'm not saying he isn't to blame in some of this, but you're not giving him an opportunity to give you the answer you don't want to hear. You're all right. Yeah. Certainly, like, listen, it'd be great if he was like hey let's

get married and proposed and surprise you the way you envisioned and hoped but he hasn't and it may not and he might need to kick in the pants he might have some issues from the fact that he was divorced and he's got some baggage from that and he's just treading his feet and he's just, you know, it's like, Hey, I committed this one time.

It didn't work. And now I'm not committing. It seems to be working. We have these kids like, eh, you know, I'm not saying it's great, but it doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

And it doesn't mean he doesn't want to be with you. And there might be a reason why he's doing that, you know, but. I don't know. But yeah, when we do get in these arguments these arguments he'll be like and this is why when people ask um why we're not married this is why i'm like really because i want you to do the dishes you know like or i guess it's my attitude he says but well listen at this point it sounds like it's a little bit of both of you like i mean every relationship has its problems and you're probably doing things that annoy him.

He's doing things that annoy you. But what I'm getting at is it sounds like you have some legitimate frustrations and you have some legitimate confusion about the relationship at a big picture level. And instead of addressing that, you're just letting your frustrations project out in ways that seem like annoying things to him. So then you fight about these little annoying things and you

frustrate each other without ever addressing the big issue. So it's never really going to go away. So just sit down and be honest with them and be like, listen, I want to be with you and I'm scared and that you, you know, and yeah, I do want you to help around the house. I congratulations. You make more money than me, whatever. It doesn't mean I work less hard. Doesn't mean I have more free time than you. So like, let's do this. Let's be a team and act like a team. And you're just going to have to do that if you want to be with me.

And as far as, you know, this idea when he says, don't let them say that shit. Oh, this is why I don't feel like, what does that mean? Yeah.

Well, that's what I say. And then he like leaves and goes and does whatever. Usually he has somewhere like he has to go somewhere. Then we're texting each other and arguing about everything. And then we never address it. Yeah. Don't fight.

This is a really hard thing people in relationships try to do. And I'm making this up as I go, so this might be just terrible advice. But I feel like, you know, you've heard the phrase like pick your battles, but more importantly, pick the time in which you have your battles. You know, like again, focus on the things you want to address.

But when he leaves and you start just texting him every angry thought that you have, that is accomplishing nothing. It's just, it's all, it's just going to make him more mad. And you are probably justified with the things that you have that is accomplishing nothing it's just it's just it's all it is it's just gonna make him more mad and you are probably justified with the things that you're actually frustrating that are frustrated about but like you know pin him in a corner so he can't

escape you know but or just but but seriously like whether maybe it's couples therapy but therapy but like you can't just like you know if he you know what i'm saying like to stop you don't text some angry thoughts after he leaves it's not going to do anything and if he's not acknowledging the things that you're when you sit down and talk to him about things that frustrate you and he's not acknowledging that then that's a problem yeah i mean he does and well that's a problem. Yeah. I mean, he does. And, well, that's the thing. We argued, like, last week. And then this past week was really good because he kind of, like, did stuff around the house, helped me out, and whatever.

But then yesterday, and it comes down to also, like, his hobbies and my hobbies. He has a lot of hobbies. He hunts. He fishes. He crabs. He goes golfing. So I don't do anything.

What are your hobbies together? We go boating together. We do, like, crab fishes, he crabs, he goes golfing. What are your hobbies together? We go boating together. We do like crabbing, fishing sometimes, but since we have little kids, usually he ends up going out and I'm stuck with the little guys. And that annoys me. So yesterday he, all week, last week he, I mean, granted, he's doing things with our oldest. He plays baseball, so he coaches him.

So three days a week he was gone all day working, and then he goes to coach the baseball team, which's doing things with our oldest. He plays baseball, so he coaches him. So three days a week, he was gone all day working, and then he goes to coach the baseball team, which is fine. I get it. But then another night, he went out to his hunting property, and he went out and put his cameras out. The next day, he went out and got drinks with a friend. The day after that, he took my son and the baseball team, and they all hung out.

So he's, like, hanging out, and they all hung out so he's like hanging out i'm alone all the time okay and you feel alone drives me crazy so yeah so tell him that and then i do but he's like that was arguing yesterday he's like i never get to have time with my friends and you control me that's what he told me i'm like i am not controlling you i just want you to be around you know um it sounds like you guys have some issues you need to work out yeah you know um but how you're going about it is it's not good is probably pushing him away doesn't mean that he like you you feel lonely you have the right to feel how you do right and he can either want to change that or not right i guess that's my question like how do i make him want to change

because he's not i guess he doesn't or like how to say it better yeah or make him understand i'm like you don't understand he's like i do understand i don't know you know that kind of stuff i will say like you are list you're like you're it sounds like you're keeping score a lot in terms of he says that yeah yeah uh yeah which is just kind of that's what it is someone who i've yeah it can it can feel frustrating or just like well fuck man what do i do you're so good at pointing out things I don't do, you know, things like that. I'm sure he says stuff like that, but it sounds like he is not giving you what you want and you deserve to feel that way. So you guys just have to take a step back. And I don't know,

like it sounds like maybe therapy, couple therapy would be helpful. You know, you guys aren't communicating. Like, here's what I can tell you guys aren't communicating effectively. I don't have all the answers how you can do that i'm not here i can't i'm not hearing his point of view but i don't think yelling him via text after he leaves is doing anything and i don't think like listing out on a weekly basis things that annoy you about him are uh yeah a good thing are gonna is gonna like make him want to do anything pointing out what he can do to make you feel better and letting him know when he does and how it makes you feel and you're grateful for it is a good place to start you know do you make him feel like the things that he does do does you do you make him feel and granted he needs to make

you feel good too, but sometimes when you compliment someone, they're more willing to want to give more rather than criticize them. Yeah, I've probably been kind of mean lately. But it doesn't mean it's not coming from a place that he's playing a role too. You guys just aren't communicating effectively. Yeah. So I can only speak to the things that you're saying that

you're doing and telling you to stop i don't know specifically all the things he's doing and if if he was here i'd probably be like well what do you expect bro um yeah yeah invite him on he's welcome to come on um right i'd love to have him i'll ask him okay um but yeah i I think you need to be direct with the things that you want, but in a way that's productive. Yeah, I think I'm like, yeah, I'm definitely like afraid of, I don't know, I guess I'm afraid of what he's going to say. I don't know. Yeah, you are.

I don't like confrontation. I don't want to fight with him. You're lonely, but you're afraid of losing them you know and you're you don't you you're you're not married but hey look at it this way you guys have some real problems and you're not married yeah so you don't have to go through a messy divorce but i mean maybe you want that money so there is that um i feel like marriage or not, you have kids together. You could still take a lot of his money. Yeah.

Let's be real here. He's, yeah, he's like, well, blah, blah, blah. This child, you'd get a lot. I'm like, okay, I don't care about that. But he probably knows that too. Has he brought up leaving, like ending the relationship? Oh, yeah. Every time we fight lately, yeah.

He's like, I'm moving out. Let's sell the house. blah blah listen i think you sounds like you guys need to take a step back but then i don't you know my friend's like he doesn't mean that he just knows it's gonna make you mad and like maybe but he also might mean it i know as i told him i was like well you keep saying it so you must mean he's like i don't mean I was like, well, you keep saying it, so you must mean it. He's like, I don't mean it. I'm like, okay, well, stop saying it. Listen, it sounds like you guys are just at each other's throats, and you're probably really fucking sick of each other, you know? Truth is, yeah, whether he is partly to blame,

you've probably nagged and frustrated him enough that he wants to spend more time with his buddies and friends. You need to reset how you guys are fighting. Take a step back. You've definitely, whether he's played a huge role in why you're frustrated and nagging at him, but you're at this point, all he hears is you just bickering and pointing out things that you hate about him. And that just doesn't make him want to spend time with you. Sure. I get that. And that's not to say that he hasn't played

a role but you guys just need to try to you need to figure out how you guys take a step back and point out things you like about each other and ways he makes you feel happy and vice versa because he has to do that too and see if you guys can reset and it might take therapy and maybe maybe to say listen i know we've had a lot of problems and i and i know i've played a big role in that too but i want to stop fighting and i love you and what would you be willing to like talk to someone like therapy and and because i don't i don't want to keep nagging you you know right and i keep frustrating i'm front you know and just try to do it in a way that's um not making him feel like the bad guy okay i can do that because he definitely feels like

the bad guy and he might again doesn't mean he's innocent here but just talking to you it sounds like he's at his wits end with you. He always says like, all you do is say everything that's wrong with me, blah, blah, blah. So,

yeah. So, but he needs to do some stuff to make you feel not lonely. Right. So. Okay. All right. All righty. All right.

Thanks, Nick. Best of luck. All right. All right. Bye-bye. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. How can I help? I am Becky and I am 27 and I just want to get a little

bit of advice about how to navigate the waters of dating my friend's brother again again I guess is the best way to put it we broke up about two and a half years ago mainly because of distance and I didn't want a long-distance boyfriend and he as well was working on himself or whatever you you know, that means. And we have since had different relationships that haven't worked out for either of us. And we've found our way back to each other happily and naturally. And my friend hates it so um I guess it's a little bit difficult just because she's not happy about the way that she found out about it which I can sympathize about but we're trying to take it slow and um in that, in my mind, that doesn't mean

go running and telling everybody that I know within the first two weeks. So I guess I just want to, I know how it should be dealt with. I mean, when things ended the first time was it messy no it wasn't messy and we remained friends and cordial our families are really good friends so there kind of wasn't really an option to um i guess there's no clear way of handling this except that. And it sounds like the little bit you're, you're talking about, you doesn't sound like it's a drama situation. It sounds like it's sincere.

It sounds like even maybe you two think that while you don't know the future, this could be your guy, right? You know, right, right. If that's how you feel, then quite frankly,

how she feels about it is fairly irrelevant. Right. Right. Right. Go ahead. Yeah. And so if she really is your friend, she'll understand because you are being sincere. Um, if she's stops being your friend as a result, especially if things don't work out then not a great friend my point is like you know if you were just like i don't know you if it was because you like drama and you were you know fucking with this guy and maybe you played him the last time and you're just she just doesn't like it because she doesn't she thinks it's a potentially toxic for you know but if she just finds it inconvenient to her quite frankly you know she'll just have to accept it or not and so i think you you two you and this

guy just keep pursuing the relationship with the best of intentions with being open and honest and respectful of each one another knowing that you never know and she'll get over it or she won't i mean you know i you know what i'm saying what i don't hear why i say that because i don't think either of you should waste any energy making sure she's okay because then all of a sudden you two instead of focusing using any energy all your energy about your relationship with this guy should be focused on him. Your energy you put into your friendship with her shouldn't change. You get what I'm saying? No, I agree with that.

And I had told this guy that we had had the discussion after they had fought, sister and brother. He said, I don't want to have you lose your friend, so I'm willing to step away from this. And then I said, that's not okay with me because I'm not interested in letting anybody else dictate what I'm doing in my life. It's the only reason. Unless I'm hearing you wrong,

it sounds like she's being a bit of a child about this. And so treat children like children. You know, you just kind of ignore them. They throw a temper tantrum in the other room. They're crying because sometimes parents give in. And if they don't, they just fall asleep. You know, they just get tired and they just shut up. Right?

Yeah. you know they just get tired and they they just shut up right yeah i mean that's when they just start nixon babysitting service tomorrow i mean like it's an exception to every rule but like when you put like i have enough enough of siblings and parents you know like kids they cry yeah and eventually they just cry themselves to sleep and there's a this is true so i really don't i don't i think you and your this guy should consciously make a decision as a potential couple to say we're just not going to acknowledge just what it is equivalent of a temper tantrum right we're not doing anything wrong we owe it to each other to see this through and she'll get over it or she won't. But we're not going to use any of this energy about us on her. And if she wants to talk to you about being her friend, the same way you guys talked to each other before, you will have that same amount of energy. And if he wants to have a conversation with her

about being a sister, the same energy he used to have that relationship progress, he'll do that. energy he used to have that relationship progress he'll do that but you're not going to fight about each other with this girl his sister you just just refuse to yeah it sounds i agree and i guess i just everybody that i've discussed this with is not a not interested third party you know they have some sort of, um, state. They're all going to have an opinion. Anybody's emotions. So I'm like,

I just need to hear like absent third party. I'm just saying if you two, you and this guy are sincere about your potential feelings, knowing that who knows how it's going to work out, but you really want to give it an honest try because you care about each other and you think there's a real future there. Then I think the only two people you guys should consider when it comes to this relationship are each other. I think how everyone should. And when you start considering everyone

else's opinion and how they feel about your relationship is a disservice to this potential relationship. And you could be hurting the chances of this relationship by doing this. They'll all get over it. They'll all accept it in the future. Especially if this works out. If this works out to what you want to be, then if it doesn't and she wants to suck and throw it in your face later in life, then again, maybe she's just not the friend. But this is not about her.

She's a friend and a sister. If you guys get married and have kids, then this is all going to be trivial. So I honestly think you should literally ignore her. Refuse to have any conversations with her about her opinion about the relationship. And you just be direct with her and say, I don't want to be dismissive, but quite frankly, this isn't a, I love you. You're my best friend and I want to maintain this relationship.

But like, this is important to me. It's a huge priority to me. It's a huge priority to him. And we only care about each other's opinions when it comes to this. Because like, if this does work out between us, you won't be there when we're talking about buying a house or having kids or starting a family. Your opinion isn't going to matter. And if she's mature enough to realize that's just a fact of life she'll get over it

maybe don't say quite quite as harsh but i wouldn't be that much i really i wouldn't like don't give her permission to feel like she has a say in this she has there's an entitled point of view that she has that she feels like she has a say in the relationship she's on a part of you know just like a child some sometimes thinks they have like a say and and certain things that are like yeah you're a kid you don't have a fucking say shut the fuck up eat your dinner you know what's for dinner food yeah you know like what's for dinner? Food. Yeah. You know, like. That's it. So that's what I think. Well, ignore her. I can do that.

Yeah. Yeah, ignore her and don't feed her what she likes. Yeah. I mean, yeah, she's throwing a bit of a temper tantrum. And when kids get away with throwing a temper tantrum, they feel entitled to keep trying to manipulate their parents into giving them what they want. So that's what sounds like is going on here. Your potential boyfriend needs, you guys need to be a united front though.

You guys need to agree on this. You can't be the cold hearted bitch and have him being like, well, sis, I'm sorry. What do you want me to do you know you you two need to be united in front that like while you love her you two are going to make this priority because you really think there's a chance there and you're not doing it to be mean to her cold you're doing it because you know this is but it's important

you guys are a united front and i think that yeah, that's the way that we're going. But it is just a little disappointing that the whole thing is happening because it's like three weeks into this, and it's just, this isn't taking it slow in my mind. Stop asking for people's opinions that don't matter. You guys are inviting other people's opinions by asking, what do you guys think? I'm like, well, if you ask me what I think, I'll tell you.

You're like, oh, well, that's not what I think i'll tell you you're like oh well it's not what i wanted to hear well why'd you fucking ask it's just the only opinion about your relationship should be his and yours they're stop asking people's opinions fuck them i can do that all right great excited for you guys it sounds like uh easy enough some real chances here you're gonna be great um but yeah i i think this is an easy problem to solve and uh as long as you guys have the best intentions for each other you guys will have a real shot to make this work i think so well thank you, take care. Wow, that was fun. Wow.

Thanks for listening, guys. Be sure to subscribe. Send us your reviews. Be sure to check us out on Wednesday for the wonderful, talented, very funny Esther Provitsky. You won't want to miss it.