The Viall Files - E179 Ask Nick - He Does Not Deserve Your Butt

Episode Date: September 28, 2020

On today's episode of Ask Nick we are happy to have one of our 10 percenters join us for our first call: a hopeless romantic is trying to figure out how to move on, when out of the blue the girl he is seeing does a 180 and no longer wants to see him. We then speak with a woman who is trying to figure out how to get comfortable with role playing with her husband in the bedroom, while our next caller’s husband is asking for butt stuff from her after his sex drive returned just after she gave birth. Finally, we speak with a woman who is excited to be moving in with her girlfriend, but her family is anything but supportive of their happiness.  “Get a little weird. F*%$ it, you’re married!”  Go to https://pca.eonline.com/pop-culture/the-pop-podcast-of-2020 and nominate The Viall Files for The E People’s Choice Awards for favorite podcast! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: RITUAL: http://www.ritual.com/VIALL for 10% off during your first 3months. ECHELON: http://www.echelonfit.com/viall to try risk free for 30 days.  ROTHYS: http://www.rothys.com/VIALL to check out all the amazing shoes and bags available right now.  MODERN FERTILITY: http://www.modernfertility.com/VIALL for $20 off your fertility test Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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What is going on, happy monday it's my birthday today so that sucks i know happy birthday to you you know what i'm just getting started in life thank you for listening to this podcast but it is your birthday if i have any birthday wishes from my dear audience if you want to give us five stars on itunes that's a great wish that would be make my birthday wish come true uh gotta say i really appreciate you guys uh as always um if i didn't have this podcast i don't know what i would think about my birthday right now but i do and i i thank you for it so uh my birthday wish is that you guys have a great day and then you do great as five stars and you tell your friends about our show um that's not a big ask not a big ask but uh other than that um and we got a great episode today. I know that much.

Yeah. A lot of sex questions. We have a 10 percenter. We have a 10 percenter join us. Really, our male listeners are just the best. They're romantic. They love love. They love love.

They love love. It's so cute. Yeah. Don't forget to send your questions at love love. It's so cute. Yeah. Don't forget to send your questions at AskNagantCastMe.com. Cast with a K. You can be anonymous. You're a very detailed and intimate story. No one has to know it.

It's really you. Yeah. So come on aboard if you so want us to help improve your life because people want to hear and learn from your stories. I got to say, everyone who comes on, they have a great time and they're glad they did. Yeah. So thanks for doing that.

They're always surprised, too. I love that. So, yeah. Anything else, Chrissy? How's your life? My life has been good. Great. I'm having fun, Nicholas. Great. I i think i'm gonna start calling you nicholas all the time i like it awesome do you hate it i don't care you don't care

tell me what you want yeah let's just have we're having fun i'm glad it's your birthday sure yeah same Yeah, same. Loves it. I'm doing, yeah. You know what? I'm just, I'm planning on dying when I'm 90. A 90? That's when I plan.

I don't know when I'm going to die. That's a really long time away. But that's my plan. So everything I'm deciding I'm doing in my life is based off the idea that I'm going to live till I'm 90. I could be wrong, but like, I won't know. So that's why I'm just like, I'm just getting started. Are you being at your birthday and you reflect on the last year and all the changes that you've gone through? It's been a kind of a great year for you.

It's hard to say in 2020, but it's been. I've been very thankful for a lot of a great year for you it's hard to say in 2020 but it's been i've i've i've been very thankful for a lot of things in my life um and so yeah i i it's been a me personally i've had an okay year and i and i have all you people listening to think yeah so thank you um i feel like we're gonna have a big announcement coming on shortly so be uh waiting for that yes um more to come thanks again i don't know what else to say wednesday we're gonna speak with michael michael maloney interior design world-renowned interior designer extreme makeover home edition uh i bought a house. If you guys know, so I felt like I want to get like interior design tips, obviously.

And now that we're living at home, how we decorate our homes or outside of our homes could not be more important. Little things we can do, mistakes we make. Make sure to check that out. He's a delightful man. Fun to listen to. You will all enjoy that

more great stuff coming your way as always we appreciate your support let's just get to some of these amazing calls happy birthday thanks question time with Nick let's ask nick your sexy questions how's it going hi i'm uh i'm sam and i'm 26 hi sam 26 how can i help

um yeah so i was dating a girl for the past three months and kind of this whirlwind summer pandemic romance. And I got a FaceTime from her Friday night and she said she wanted to end things really abruptly and out of the blue. And so I've been trying to process it and figure out, you know, like my next move. like my next move okay as there what are you most confused about other than the fact that you know she it's so i guess yeah what are you most confused about let's just start yeah i mean like i guess like maybe like would it be helpful if I gave you like just a quick summary of what the relationship was? So basically for the month of June, I was staying at my parents house, which is like six hours away from where I live and was on the dating app, smashed with this girl, met up with her in a park and, you know, had no expectations. But I really liked her and we really liked each other and vibed. And so ended, it ended up, um, where I went back home six hours away, but she came to visit me. And then I came to visit her and we were seeing each other every two weeks and, you know, things were going

really well. It felt, you know, like a, like a blossoming, like love story, if you will. And then, um, and then, uh, yeah, like things progressed. I spent a week with her and her friends at like this, like ski town, you know, and was introduced to them. And then, yeah, like things progressed. I spent a week with her and her friends at like this like ski town, you know, and was the Pacific Northwest. And for context, when she got there, she's like, I miss you so much. You really should come up here, you know, like get on the next flight. I'm not joking. And then five days later, she's like, yeah, we need to end things. It's I don't think it's going to work out. And so, you know, to try to understand how we go from I miss you so much. Come here to it's over. You know, my, my head's just, I just don't get it. And it seems so erratic and abrupt. So when, uh, she FaceTimed you to end it, was it like, did you have time to like ask why, or were you just so caught off guard

that like, how long was that conversation? It was an hour. And it was, um, you know, it was like, I was arguing with her about it. I was like, no, you don't get it. You know, I asked for reasons why. And she's telling me these reasons. And I go into like full lawyer mode where I was like, you know, this piece of evidence doesn't even make sense given the context. And it was just it was a total futile effort, you know, because she she had reached, you know, like this decision. And I think I know how she got to the decision partially.

And then you're trying to negotiate, you're trying to argue with somebody based on logic when they're doing something based on gut feeling. Or emotion. Or emotion, yeah. It's like you can't convince them in that moment. Nor do you want to, Sam. Yeah.

That's the important part. I wish I was there when she called. I wish I was like your roommate. And I just would have would have been like just say i'm sorry you feel that way okay yeah i mean that's hindsight's 2020 for sure but that's what you should have done for a variety of reasons one like you realize now that whole hour conversation of trying to convince her to change her mind at best did nothing and at worst pushed her away further yeah and had you just been like more or less i mean this is more kind of gaming and game playing but if you sounded kind of like, oh, okay.

If there was ever a chance that made her question, her decision, you not caring, probably had more of an effect than you would. It's so fucked up and so opposite. And I say this to you knowing that I've done what you've done. You said something in your explanation of um i don't know why someone would say this type of you know the lot you are you seem like a logical guy you know you were you you think things through and one plus one equals two of course so like that's just common sense and then i'm very logical so when people say one plus one equals three you're just like no it doesn't and you'll argue with them for an hour um yeah listen for you the important thing you need to understand is that this is something that you're you don't get to understand and that's the frustrating part about relationships. You can ask questions as to why.

The fact that everything she said in the past hour doesn't really make sense just means that, you know, she, I guess, doesn't want to do that. This, the whole, you know, doesn't like you. It just wastes a lot of energy. And I know it's common sense. This, why would someone do and say X only to do Y a week later? It makes no sense. And you're right. It doesn't make sense. But we often,

especially early in dating situations, we, we try things out, you know things out. It's like, I don't know. I bought a new home, so I'm going to use a home analogy. You buy a house. You don't know what color you should paint the walls. You're getting impatient, so you buy furniture you don't really need, and then you put it in, and you think you're in love with it, and then you put it in the room, and you're just like, this doesn't look good here. I didn't like it as much as I thought I did. And so you've only been dating for three months. So all these kind of grand gestures that she said or did are more or less her just kind of trying it out on herself to see how it feels to her. Yeah, sure.

There's a lot of variables. Maybe she met another dude on this other trip. I don't know. Totally possible. It's early on. It doesn't really matter. But it's so early on that I think people don't want to realize that in the first year, first year first six months it's really uh an evaluation process it's it's really kind of a pre-season if you want a sports analogy to like people just kind of testing things out and things can change on a dime people are very mercurial and early on in relationships and that's because they just don't really know how they feel, right? And it really is hard in these situations for people in your position, for the person who, oh man, I liked her. And so when she says the grand gesture, when she does the actions that

make you feel good, they mean something to you, even though in reality, she was more or less kind of testing it out. Now now this is not something for you to go back to be like why did you test things out i mean she probably people don't realize we you know oh good back to that house analogy you're shopping you're just like oh this looks this chair looks awesome man i'm gonna love this chair and then you buy it you bring it in you're like i fucking hate this chair you know you just that happens all the time um And that's kind of a hard pill to swallow. But I think in your case, the best thing you can do is to not, don't get in your head, like you're going to save yourself so much energy.

Let me be the last person you talk to about this. I know it's going to be tough because if you're anything like me, you'll, you'll have five or six girlfriends. You, you tell this story to, and a couple of buddies and they'll all be like, yeah, man,

that's fucked up. What a bitch, you know? And they'll all agree with you. And you'll be like, yeah, I know it's messed up. It's not going to get you anywhere.

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head to rothys.com slash v-i-a-l-l today i think they also he mentioned so i'm guessing nick's answer to this would be no but i think also you mentioned that you didn't know if you should go and like fight for her yeah so part of me was like let me hop like initial reaction was like i told her this and she was like don't do this i was like i'm gonna hop on a plane and come see you definitely don't do that and i was like yeah that's that's not gonna work we like yeah don't be ashamed that's how you feel that's a great part that you have for you that kind of romantic side it'll serve you well in the right relationship now is not the time to do this i mean shameless plug on my patreon we recapped the notebook and uh noah was insane man he was totally mentally unstable it's a great movie it's romantic

house for a girl but never thought don't do that shit man early on you it could go badly for you um you just got to accept it the best thing you can hope for and this is dangerous waters is to disappear like she asked you to and then only for her to realize that she uh flips the switch just like she flipped the switch the other way if she does it just know that you are interested in a very mercurial person who doesn't really know what she wants and if so if she does pop back in your life and i don't know if she will you're just like okay well listen obviously i like you but you don't seem like you know what you want and i do and i'm just more interested in someone who's a little bit more certain about what they want i mean if you if she pops back in your life that's all you say and let you know whatever she says be like okay well

i guess we can hang out but you just seem i wish i could match make our callers uh why because there was like we had another caller last week and she seemed super nice and he seems super nice i hate shit like that oh Oh, you're nice? You're nice? You must be in love. The things that she was missing in her relationship, he would give, and the things that he's missing, she would have given. There's more to it than just like, oh, you like blue shirts?

Biophiles, matchmaking. Yeah, definitely don't fight for her. Just let it go. I mean, just. Yeah. The initial plan was to talk in a couple weeks to let some let it air out yeah she it seems like you're not into that idea listen my guess is is that you argue with her for an hour trying to convince her like you she got exhausted and reluctantly agreed to check in in two weeks

disappear dude yeah forget she exists don't even don't don't do something don't i don't know if you've already unfollowed her or whatever i i deleted my instagram app so i wouldn't check check it out her page yeah right right so as far as she's concerned you're still following her which means you haven't thought about it just act like if you have go back on instagram if you have the stomach for it. Mute her, right? So she doesn't pop in your feed. Don't unfollow her. And just live your life, man. Don't start posting more than you would.

Don't fucking post romantic quotes of sadness. Don't do that fucking shit. I don't know why we... And I've done it. We do this. We're like, I'll just let her know I'm pathetic and sad, and then I'll be more attractive. Maybe they'll look and notice the secret thing I'm doing.

She knows how much I love her. Listen, I've been guilty of that, but we do this sometimes. It's the George Costanza often. Just do the opposite of what you think you should do, and usually that's the right thing in these situations. Most likely not your person, but I don't think there's nothing to regret. You liked her.

It didn't work out. It's like just frustrating for so many reasons. And it just felt like, you know, we got to the point where we identified like, these are the points. These are like the issues we'd have to work through to make it successful. And my,

my perspective was, all right, let's see if we can make it work and hers was just like nah let's let's just find somebody else who's a better fit and i guess that's her prerogative it's just tough when you develop you know i was i was like googling like when to tell somebody you love them you know i was like getting to that point where i was feeling you know like well my advice for for you sam my yeah you you see, like, the right woman is going to be very happy she found you. But I think you might need to chill out a little bit. Yeah.

And that's okay. And I say this confidently that, you know, the romantic guy needs to chill out, you know, and then other guys. And, again, the right girl is going to be so on board. But I think early on, you're getting excited for all the right reasons, but how you apply it, just, you know, and don't stop Googling how to say I love you. Because you know what? If you, you know, here's the thing. And knowing that you did that, she's the type of girl who has said I love you to multiple people, broke up with them, she doesn't think much of it. Because it's not that love means less to her, she just looks at it differently.

You are the type of person who's just like, I don't know, if I tell three people in my lifetime I love them that's might be too many because it means so much to me is my guess that you're like that and the truth is there's no right or wrong right in your case for you i think you need to loosen up on what that means to you like as someone who thought like that when i was younger who was 10 i've i don't know how many people i've told I love you to. I don't regret any of them. It doesn't, you know what I'm saying? In that moment, that's how I felt. And there's nothing wrong with that. And it doesn't take anything away from the next

person you meet who you fall in love with. You know, it doesn't mean anything. If 10 years from now, you finally meet your person. And if you've told 20 other girls you love them, and in that moment you met them, that doesn't mean you love this person less. You might be a different person. You don't know. So be happy that it means a lot to you, but don't, you know, there's a little bit of like squeezing

what you like too much and kind of there's a little bit of that. And I think that might be something you can work on personally so that the next person you meet who is a little bit more because it sounds like the right person you be would be attracted to might be a little bit more of a free spirit because you're less of one right and they bring that out of you but the risk of dating someone who might be a little bit more of a free spirit than you is there's going to be moments where the structure that you have is going to frustrate them right and finding that balance is going to serve you well definitely yeah i wish you guys could see sam smiling because

it sounds like i nailed them but um but uh metaphorically not not physically. So yeah, listen, it's just a growth process. And just, but God, you're young and you have a long way to go. What you don't want to do is 15 years from now, be just like, and there's nothing wrong with you, but you need to take a breath a little bit. And when you sense yourself really liking someone, just be like, that's great that I feel this way,

but I don't have to necessarily do anything about it right now. You're going to be okay. I'm sorry you're going through this, but definitely don't follow up with her in two weeks, dude. Don't follow up with her at all. Delete her number. I mean, if she wants to reach out, fine. If she reaches out, don't answer the call right away. Don't reply back the next day or at least a day later. Play the game a little bit.

You're not on standby. You're living your best life, man. And you could be honest with her. Like, yeah, yeah. Obviously, you know I like you, but you made a decision, and so I accepted it. People, it seems so simple to say, but people are not used to people being like,

wait, you were okay with me telling you to go away? I mean, I don't want you to show up, because that would make me puke. But if you leave, I also, people don't make any sense. And you not giving a shit will fuck with her. Makes sense. Yep. All right? All right. All right, buddy. Good luck. leave i also people don't make any sense and you not giving a shit will fuck with her makes sense yep all right all right all right buddy good luck you're gonna be okay all right how's it going good how are you good what's your name my name is amanda i am 29 hi amanda how can i help um i'm hoping that you can help me with my sex life. So we'll see how this goes.

Let's do it. Let's do it. So I've been with my husband for six years, a little bit over six years. And things have generally been really good. Our sex life has always been technically satisfying um and there obviously have been really good times i love that how's your sex life technically satisfying well i get off every time so technically there you go no it generally is good um uh and he's very attentive so it's good um but the last two years he and i have been in a lot of therapy and growing as a couple and individually and our other aspects of our relationship are better than they ever have been. Um, but our sex life seems to be like stuck in where we were before.

Um, and so it's not necessarily that we're in a rut, but we're nearing a rut. And I don't really know why. I feel like our communication's open. I suspect things, but I don't really know. So that's where I'm at. You're being really kind of cryptic and vague, but I feel like there's details that you could share. I'm at. Kind of cryptic and vague, but I feel like there's details that you could share. Yeah. Okay. Well, let me share. Great. So we've been together, like I said, for a little bit over six years. And when we got together, my husband was a virgin and I had a very active sex life. Okay. And so I don't know how much that has to do with it. Okay. What are your specific complaints? About our sex life?

Yeah. Like what is this rut that you feel like you're approaching? Also, didn't you write that you guys can't agree on the spice, how to spice it up? Yes.

Yes, totally. Sorry. Yeah, so we talk about it. We try to be open about it. I'm like, hey, things are good but not great. What should we do? And he's like, let's do like role play stuff.

You could be a sexy this or a nurse or a teacher. And that's just not my thing. I'm not an actress. And I am more interested in getting like rougher sex. Not like crazy. I've never had it super crazy. It's just something i'm more interested in and that makes him really uncomfortable a little bit yeah i get

it yeah disrespect me a little let's go all the way love that it's like it's like don't respect you want him to get a little rough or afterwards he's like listen just so we're clear i don't think you're a dirty slut or a bitch and are you okay because i'm yeah i was squeezing a little hard but also like but also laughing me on my ass girl i get it i didn't mean it i really i respect you sometimes you don't want to respect afterwards um well one of these calls where i feel like i'm not a sex therapist i just want to point that out. However, I'm going to give it a shot. But here we are. Something you said earlier, like, listen, when it comes to sex, there are two people involved.

I feel like that's obvious. There are two people who have likes and dislikes, right? You pointed out things that you would like. He pointed out things that he would like. Listen, in a beautiful utopian world, you know, you come at the same time. But that's not practical either. And either is pointing out things that you would like to happen in the bedroom and that person in front of you is like, oh, my God, same, me too.

I want that exact same thing. If it was that easy, you two would already be doing that. So you need to be willing to do a little bit that he wants. He needs to be willing to do a little bit that you want. And sometimes when you guys have sex, since you're married and you're like only having sex with each other, you have like the time and like the amount of sex that you're going to have that, you know, sometimes that sexual experience might be a little bit enjoyable for him. And sometimes that sexual experience might be a little bit enjoyable for you. If you're at the same, like if your goal, your only goal is like, we have to,

at this, every time we have sex, we have to equally enjoy it exactly the same. That's just, oh God, exhausting and impractical you might have those moments you might when you guys role play a little bit yeah find a little sweet spot where you're like that was kind of fun gonna punish that teacher a little bit yeah and other times when he's just like hey listen i don't want to hit you in the face you know that makes me uncomfortable but you know what one time you might just a little little tap and then you're like oh and then you're like a little little harder and next thing you know he's just like oh babe i'm sorry and you're both looking at each other you're like oh my god

that was hot but you're okay like you just kind of try it out a little bit right so yeah like i think you guys the simple answer is you both have to be willing to give a little bit and you just say what you like without the other person having to necessarily agree with you. I want to get someone pregnant. Yeah. I do. I know. It's like your dream to have kids.

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Go to ritual.com slash V-Icom slash vial to start your ritual today that's 10 off during your first three months at ritual.com slash vial you know what i'm saying like right yeah i guess the the hardest part is that i always tease him because i say that he's just easy because it's like anything different don't do that he comes in like five seconds no not like that but it's just easy because it's like anything different than normal. He comes in like five seconds. No, not like that. But it's just like if we do anything that's not just like standard situation, he's like off in a second. And then it's like, all right, well, that was fun.

Wait five minutes and run out once again. Have him rub one out before you have sex. Oh, yeah, that's a good idea. Well, I guess, yes. have them rub one out before you have sex you know well i guess yes i don't know yeah um yeah i mean if there's a handful of things you can do if a guy's climaxing too fast i mean i think there's even like lotions and ointments and things like that. Or he can just, again, rub one out before you have sex. You know, like guys last longer if they have, if, if, if it's true climaxed in a more recent period of time versus if they've like waited, you know, there's things like that. Right.

How long you been married for again? We've been married for a little bit under five years. We've been together for longer, but obviously, but a little under five years this could be much worse you know um it seems like he's interested in making you happy you seem interested in making him happy i think you just have to be a little bit more yeah what's the word I'm looking for you need to be a little bit more relaxed in the expectations right

again you don't have to agree on everything you both just have to be willing to be able to do and want to do what the other person is asking you're you're fucking married you know you have a whole life together you don't have to like you know what i'm saying like you have all the time in the world to try things out get it right get it wrong be like you know what didn't like that moving on oh that was great let's put

that in the the repertoire you know you just try it out yeah yeah okay i mean it makes sense i think it's great that you're both willing to you know yeah you're willing to have the conversation you have to be willing to do things that maybe you're not like if there's some things you're just like i'm never gonna fucking do that then fine but right you know just be like well i'm not an actress so i'm not gonna role play it's like okay well you know i think it's not make it so awkward you know it's like just trying to be sexy when you don't feel sexy and it's like wouldn't that just make it terrible at first i mean i don't know like like anything else when you first do it that you've never

imagined doing it's gonna feel weird and awkward practice makes perfect you know again you are married you have the time to get better and try it out i don't think it makes much sense to just be like nope it's weird and uncomfortable i'm not into it yeah i i you know i just how is that you, for someone who wants to spice up their sex life and their marriage and keep it fresh, I don't think hearing someone out and then immediately dismissing it because it might make you slightly uncomfortable because you've never done it before is the way to spice it up. Right? I don't think your sex life should make you uncomfortable. So just so we're clear. But there's a little give and take. And you might find something that you're like, it turns into, you don't realize it's hot.

You know? You try it out. Yeah. Right. Especially if you can use it to get what you want out of it. He's not asking you to be, you know, some great thespian. Just be a bad teacher.

Yeah. He needs to be choked in love. Ask him if you need to be punished. I don't know. That probably will do the trick for a guy who seems to, like, get off in a hot second. You don't have to get full character here. Just go to a place that makes it seem like you're a little, you know, just surprise him with some sort of like words. Some what?

Some words? Just say something. I don't know. Just try it out. I guess my point is this is not like a one-night stand that you have to like get it all right because you're trying to get him to like you or or or want to come back for more. He's your husband. You guys are allowed to like try things out and get it wrong.

Yeah. Yeah. But I you know it's it's counterproductive for you to say I want to expand things spice things up and then him to suggest things or you to suggest things and both of you are like well i mean i want to spice it up but i don't want to do that because what i'm not hearing anything that's so crazy and off the table that it's just like well actually that's a concern you should definitely not fucking do that no and that's true it's just our own insecurities and anxieties about not wanting to make it weird but get a little weird fuck it you're married you know like yeah you can get

weird one day and be like you know what didn't no let's not do that again for me that's fine you know yeah i haven't heard anything so off the wall here. It's just like, I don't know. He wants me to bark like a dog. You know? I mean, kind of weird, but I guess give him a little. I don't know. I would never. That would be fucking weird. That would be so weird.

That's worse than baby talk. Yeah. I'd be concerned. But you know what I'm saying? Like. Yeah. These things that you're describing are everyone's doing it, you know, kind of thing.

So, yeah. All right. I think you're in a good spot. You guys just have to tweak that one little thing about that. You are two people who have your own likes and dislikes and you don't have to agree on everything. You just, one day is about him, next day is about you. That's fair. I think we have high expectations because we've had, you know, our relationship has come a long way and we're in a really good spot and this is just kind of lagging. So I think it makes us both more nervous

than it probably needs to. So I probably just need to relax about it and just try it. So that's all right. Yeah, and again, it's okay if you don't like some things. I mean, it's not like he told you to dress up as a Star Trooper and buy a full-on costume and go full character. That could be something.

Maybe, I don't, again, but like just role play a little bit by like say, you know, get into character. Like, I don't, you know, this is not that complicated. Hey, you say get in character, but. Character might be like, oh, was I a naughty student?

I don't know. Professor. I mean, is that hard to say? Did you have to go full? Like, I don't know. Just try it out, try it i don't know okay but like yeah don't i don't know either so i just throw it out there surprise him he needs to be like all right now say this or don't be like all right should i say what do you want me to say so i said you know then that doesn't work but it's just the process you try it out

okay when it comes to dirty talk i have heard that the person like the way to make someone who's not comfortable with dirty talk more comfortable with it is throw it out there and right he being the person who wants more talking in this character he needs to kind of lead the charge so what i'm saying is he needs to like ask you the questions and all you really need to say is oh yeah baby kind of thing you know but when he says it say it with confidence say it you know don't get too weird don't you know it's just you just and then the other person will be like actually that was hot does that make sense am i making sense he needs to lead that charge don't get too weird and it's like i'm already weird because it's just

so uncomfortable you're like yeah you just do it but don't make it weird it's like well shit like already i've made it weird because i am there not because you're overthinking it you're overthinking it but if he's just like absolutely have you been a bad girl and he says that and you're just like well that's weird i'm not a he doesn't i don't think if someone says you're a bad girl that immediately you know what i'm saying like if someone said are you a naughty student i would be like yeah are you a naughty student you're like i graduated 10 years ago dude you know like you know don't ruin the just let them try things out and just go along with it you guys will find a natural flow right yeah okay that's good advice all right well i

appreciate your advice all right best of luck all right thanks so much okay bye-bye all right how's it going good how are you good what's your name i'm kayla i am 24 i'll be 23 or 25 i'm gonna go reverse in age 25 on wednesday actually happy birthday um thank you so i wrote in um i've been married for like a year and a half now together for like four or five years. And we used to have like the best sex life when it first started, you know, that good honeymoon phase. And then it sort of like started dwindling off. And then we started trying to have a baby when we got married, went through infertility, ended up like having to do all of the whole doctor's scheduled sex, which is not very sexy. Um, and so my husband like lost

interest, um, in doing it all together. So through the nine months of pregnancy, um, I just had my daughter like four weeks ago. Um, he, thank you. He like had no interest in ever having sex. While you were pregnant? While I was pregnant, yeah, which was really hard because I was the opposite way. I would beg, and we got in blowout fights over it. That's been our biggest challenge in our relationship. But then it was like we came home from the hospital after having her. You know, I'm in thrown up on pajamas

with a diaper, like not interested whatsoever. And I was in the kitchen making a bottle and like saying, no, he was like bending me over the kitchen counter. And I was like, I just had a baby five days ago, hold on. And it got really like hot and heavy and heated. And I was like, okay, this is what I've been begging for. So I don't want to stop it. But at the same time, I have to stop it. Because medically, you're not allowed to like do anything for six weeks after a baby. And so he literally looked at me and said, well, your butts okay, right? And I said, excuse me. And so he keeps persisting on doing butt stuff while we wait for the six weeks. And I am not into that. And so my question was, how do I go about like turning him down without ruining the sex drive that just randomly came back?

Great question. Well, I'm principal alone. He does not deserve your butt right now. great question well on principle alone he does not deserve your butt right now I think that's he doesn't like yeah you had the right to be not that I want you to start picking more fights

but like he definitely doesn't deserve the butt yeah there's no going back to you being pregnant with your first child again But he definitely doesn't deserve the butt. Yeah. There's no going back to you being pregnant with your first child again. I mean, I don't know if you guys want more kids and maybe next time. But kind of what I mentioned with our last caller, it's just, I'm going to say this as a person who hasn't been married, but relationships are about compromise. I know you're not the one I need to be saying this to.

It's him. It's the fact that he... Listen, there's nothing... He's not a bad guy for being less into it when you were pregnant. Right. But you're married. And you do things for your partner

because they want it, not because you're married. And you do things for your partner because they want it, not because you want it. And I think he is lacking in that information. So, yeah, I mean, you have the right to say no. I do think, have you guys been to therapy? Couples therapy? We haven't, no. I think a big mistake people in relationships make is thinking

that they only look to therapy when they're on the verge of being like i don't know if i want to be in this relationship anymore and i think that's a mistake that a lot of couples make i think this is a legitimate problem and it's a problem because from what you're saying to me it sounds like he's not understanding and grasping the concept of i need to be willing to do things sexually for my partner because it makes her happy regardless of how i feel about it i understand that i'm sure you want him to be turned on too but like in a marriage for an entire life it's not always that picturesque and perfect and ideal you will find those moments but sometimes in instances of being pregnant like is it that hard to bend you over when you're pregnant and you know go for it he was i think

he was yeah i think he's weirded he said he was weirded out okay when we were like when i was pregnant and then um if he would cave in it it would be the most boring thing in the world, that it was not even worth my time. I was like, this isn't any fun. I don't know how common that is. I've never dated someone who was pregnant, so I don't want to cast judgment. I'm going to hurt the baby. But fucking suck it up and pretend.

I know this much, and I'm not trying to. fucking suck it up and pretend. You know, like make your, I know this much and I'm not trying to, but if I'm lucky enough to, you know, get a girl pregnant, my wife, girlfriend, whatever it is, and I don't know how I will feel about her. You know, I know I will love her, but I'm just trying to be objective of your husband.

Like maybe it's going to be different for me, but I will go out of my way to go like, she needs to feel sexy and attractive, and I will just say what I need to say and make her feel that way, regardless if I'm weirded out. Listen, I just don't know why that's not an obvious thing you'd do for someone you love. But he's not understanding that logic and i think i think couples therapy could be something that um could help address that you know couples

therapy doesn't need mean that like we hate each other i don't love you or i'm on the verge of leaving you it's like this is a big problem we've been fighting about it for a long period of time. I'm feeling like we're not connecting. And I think maybe we need help trying to connect on this thing. And I think that's okay. It's not a cry for help. I think people make the mistake again of waiting too long to address issues that are important to them. And this is important to you.

When it comes to anal, here's the thing about anal. important to you when it comes to anal here's the thing about anal it's uh it's a nice to have but never an expectation you never get to expect anal yeah it's uh yeah it's the condiment that comes to dinner you don't have that ketchup it's okay there's a secret sauce that goes with this delicious burger. Even better. Yeah. But you don't, you know. It's the sunroof on a car.

It's nice. Yeah. But it doesn't have to come with a car. I'm glad I have it sometimes. But I don't get to expect a sunroof. You know, it's a cherry on top it's the ultimate cherry on top um yeah if someday you know he stops being so selfish when it comes to sex and you are getting to a point where you want to try new things you know

anal is also one of those things, you know, no one says, I don't have a lot of experience in this department. I want to be clear. I don't have a ton, but I'm just speaking in general. I could tell you this much. I've never,

I've never met a girl, a friend or a girlfriend I've dated who hasn't tried it and said, you know what I think I might like? Anal. Yeah. No. Girls don't say that. Right? There are women out there who are like, you know what? Liked it more than I thought.

Yes. Kind of thing. So what I'm saying is. Like didn't hate it. Didn't hate it. Maybe even kind of enjoyed it. But it was a lot of prep and a lot of gentleness and a lot of, you know, crawl before you race. Kind of thing. So if you feel like down the road of spicing it up and you want to slowly, you know, go

there, you know, you never know. But yeah, you know what I'm saying? No girl's ever been like, you know what I've been to that I have never tried? Well, yeah. Getting a dick in my ass. No one. No one. I think, I don't know for me i think like girls do it just because they want their guy to be satisfied or to get them off that's what's hot about it i think that's

probably the common thing uh i i don't i've talked to some girlfriends who who have been like listen i've tried it once in a while it's kind of a i don't know i didn't ask what they liked about it and maybe it's just that limited experience but also like having conversations with people yeah so pitt he doesn't deserve it right now at all not it's offensive that he suggested that after nine months of making you feel less attractive. Right. How do I go about then continuing to tell him no without crashing it? So then when I'm ready at the six-week mark, we're not back to that stage where he's telling me no over and over again. I just feel like you don't have to.

He's got to get over it. Yeah. I think you draw a hard line and be like listen i get that it was weirded out but like fucking get over it i'm your wife i just had your kid grow the fuck up i don't like you know he's not a 15 year old boy no you know and so just deal with it like your selfishness in this department of letting me know how you feel makes me feel real fucking shitty and unsatisfied quite frankly for the past nine months so no so uh you know like you don't want to you know you're in a marriage so

i don't want to like but he doesn't deserve this this. And I go back to I really think you guys should get couples therapy. My overwhelming advice is that. Because I could say that he sucks right now, but he is your husband, and he's not here for me to say this. So he's going to be defensive and resistant, and he clearly doesn't think he's wrong. So I do think you guys using saying like listen this has really bothered me i understand you feel this way about this it would mean a lot

to me if we do this together and he if he gets to things well i don't think we need therapy it's like well this has been a problem for nine months and i don't think we need therapy because again we're not at this crossroad but i don't want to get to that crossroad. He needs to understand more than anything that this is not acceptable behavior and it's a pattern he needs to change and you're definitely not in the wrong here. Yeah.

It's not always about... Why is that so obvious to me? I mean, it is super obvious to you but like you get married it's just like well i'm only gonna do what i want for the rest of my life and as long as what yeah yeah um so yeah draw a hard line i think is and and i recommend therapy okay i think that'd be fine he does doesn't deserve the butt if at some point he deserves the butt you still don't have to give it to him but you know feel free to explore that area and uh you know try things out you never know yeah all right all right good luck congratulations on being a mother that's pretty exciting and best

of luck to both of you guys all right can't wait for your kid to watch this and mom you should have given dad the butt no horrible did you have a boy or girl i had a little girl okay yeah I'm gonna say if you have a boy to teach him what not to do yeah yeah all right take care best of luck all right thanks bye-bye how's it going hey it's going good this is Alex 28 hi Alex How can I help? Well, for a little bit of background, I have been dating my girlfriend for about a year and a half now. And we're very excited to move in together starting in January. But my family isn't so keen with that relationship because they're not super supportive so and it's always been like it's been complicated but they uh it's just kind of like a don't ask don't tell

situation so that's where we found our new new normal is like they just don't want to know anything but i have them over at my apartment which is where she'll be moving in and so then i have always thought that i would write my mom a letter but then i feel like that will change the new normal so i'm nervous about it and should i just not tell her and then just be like, look at all these cool new things that I have in my apartment or should I? So just so we're clear, your parents are not into the fact that you are attracted to women or that you're dating a woman? No, very much not. My brother is, he's supportive. Him and his family are.

Great. But not my parents. And then my sister's family also is not supportive, unfortunately. Sorry to hear that. So have you like officially come out to them and they were like, we're not supportive? Or have you just kind of started living your life as a gay woman and just know that they're, like you said, don't ask, don't tell, but they kind of know, but you just don't talk about it. Um, uh, it was that like, we just don't talk about it, but I did come out to them and that was pretty brutal. Um, they, uh, we're gonna like just completely cut me off, which me and my dad, like, I like to say that, that we are divorced and it's

amicable. So we, but it's more of my mom that I care about. So she came around and was just like, okay, I love you, but I do not support that. So she's the one that I'm nervous about. Yeah. Um, how, how much have you talked with your mom about this um we usually have a yearly uh come to jesus moment where we read the bible together and uh then they do not go well they're're usually really explosive and just, yeah, hurtful things are said. So that's why, like, I was thinking about doing a letter just so she has some time to process it instead of just, like, this big explosion. But I haven't ever gotten this far in a relationship before.

So that's why this is all new territory. relationship before so that's why this is all new territory next time you have a come to jesus moment with your mom maybe do it without the bible next time it's like it's like her mom it's like it's like your mom's come to jesus moment but like you need to have a come to jesus moment with her not her having it with you yeah um it's it it's yeah listen this is very tough um it's unfortunate that this happens and it's you know as someone who's had a very strong religious background it's unfortunate that as humans we will use religion to justify our points of view and feelings. I'm not an expert in the Bible by any stretch of the imagination,

but the Bible is like, you know, like I'm a stat guy. I like stats. Yeah. You know, numbers tell you things, but when it comes to like analytics, you can kind of interpret it, interpret stats to kind of serve. You can have all these different types of ways to see you know these things in stats and bible's kind of the same way you know it's it's like yeah it says this but then it says yes and like there literally are people who have been studying the bible for centuries and they always have these inter they interpret the bible right so? So it's like, well, just tell your mom to start interpreting

it differently. Listen, it's easy for me to say, I understand, but I don't know, you know, kind of thing. Jesus loves, turn the other cheek, love thy neighbor. There's a bunch of things I can, you know, not being an expert in the Bible can sit there and quote and be like, you know what, maybe despite what the Bible says about this, Jesus also hung out with all these people, prostitutes, and all these things that the people wanted to judge, but Jesus loved them, so if Jesus could love them, why can't you love me? Even if you don't necessarily agree with everything I'm doing. I don't need you to agree with everything I'm doing. I just need you to love me, right? And then let's let God figure it out. Whenever it is, we leave this earth of

whether, you know, he agrees, you know, but it's, you know, tell your mom, it's your job, you to get to heaven and not your mom, like your mom, mom, it's not your mom's job to have you go to heaven kind of thing. It's just like, you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll cover that. And if you get it wrong, you get it wrong. That's on you kind of thing. I mean, I don't know what your mom's job to have you go to heaven kind of thing. She's like, you'll, you'll, you'll cover that. And if you get it wrong, you get it wrong. That's on you kind of thing. I mean, I don't know what your mom's logic here about like telling you why she doesn't.

That's, that's pretty much it. You're going to burn in hell. It's like, well, if I do, then fine, you know,

I'll be warm at least, but like, fuck it, mom, like let me do this and you know, we'll figure it out. But I don't think mom that Jesus wanted you to not love me. And if Jesus could love prostitutes and all these sinners,

then I think you could love your daughter. That's simple enough. I mean, I don't know if this is going to work with your mom. But if your mom wants to love you no matter what, she just needs to try to get on board. It's like, well, I love you, but you also need to do certain things so I can love you. It's just like, well, did you want to live with the person you love, Mom?

Yeah. And it's just, yeah, it seems all very like, I use that. I was like, how about if you try to live without dad? How do you feel about that? I don't feel very good about it. Your parents are still married? Yeah, they are. And you don't talk to your dad?

No, I do not. I'm sorry. Yeah, he's a tough one. But yeah, it all is very conditional. But I do have some family members who are like Christians the way that you were talking about. It's unconditional love and you can feel that, which is really nice. Yeah. I mean, I'm glad that you have your brother.

Yeah. And maybe your brother can help you. That's true. Do you think? Would your brother be willing to kind of advocate for you to your mom and dad just be like hey guys get on board he has he's he's been really really supportive but they're they're pretty steadfast in in their beliefs which i mean i gotta respect like you believe what you believe what sure i mean yeah i always think it's i love how everyone has it all figured out on Earth.

Like, oh, this is what it's going to take. Maybe. Yeah, I guess. I don't know. I'm curious what your girlfriend's family is like or what she thinks. Her girlfriend's family, or my girlfriend's family, they're terrified of my family. They just think that they're going to come and find her one day

and then she'll just disappear, but that's not what will actually happen. But they're really supportive, so that's nice to have. It's mostly just my concern would be my mom. I mean, listen, if you're going to ask my opinion, I'll give it,

and I'm not saying you should take it because I'm not, I don't know. This is not, I'm not experiencing what you're experiencing. So take it with a grain of salt. But I just don't think anyone deserves to walk on eggshells their whole life when it comes to their love life. when it comes to their love life. And I can only imagine, obviously, you want to have a relationship with your mother and father, even though you seem to have accepted that you don't have them with your father.

But in a way, your parents are bullying you. Parents can be bullies sometimes because they're your parents. And you're like, what kid's going to do what I say? And so that's why parents say things like, I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed. You know, things like that to make you feel guilty and come around. And I think you just need to put your foot down. I don't think you should lie. I don't think that you should hide it. You're an adult now. I think you just shower your, your, your, your parents, both of them with love and

affection. And no matter what they say to you, you, you, you respond back with love and just hopefully they'll come around. I don't think pretending you're not attracted to women and pretending that you don't live with your girlfriend is going to get you anywhere. You still might not have your parents come around and then you're going to constantly make your girlfriend feel like you're ashamed of the relationship, that you don't fully accept her. If this is the person you love, give this relationship a real chance and focus on that and just pray that your parents come around and that they see that you're happy and they

loosen up on their judgments. And again, they don't have to agree with you. They just have to love you. And just keep, every day, it just takes your mom. Jesus loved this person. Jesus loved that person. So just love me and I'll worry about getting to heaven. So do you think I should make it like a letter like I was thinking or just like treat it as normal and like i live with my girlfriend i don't think there's anything wrong with constantly reminding your mom that you want her love i don't think you should you know what i'm saying like stop like you're an adult you

know like listen you reading me the bible mom is not going to make me not gay sorry yeah so um gay. Sorry. So this is who I am. And so God made me. If you can accept that or not accept that, but I don't need to have you read the Bible to me anymore. Yeah. I guess I could be more just confident in it. Yeah. I think that will go a long way. I know that's hard. It's easy said than done, but I think the first step, especially with your mom and maybe your dad, is for them to accept the fact that this is who you are and they can't make you feel bad or guilty about who you are anymore. And parents sometimes will do that to their kids because, you know, they want them to do. They parents want you to be the way they want you to be because they're your parents and your mom and dad might have the best intentions because these are their beliefs and they believe it strongly but the first step i think is getting them to accept that you're

not going to be influenced by their disappointment anymore yeah and then they can have this they can then decide well am i going to have a relationship with my daughter or not? Because they need to be afraid that they're going to lose you and not have you be afraid that you're going to lose them. Yeah, that makes sense. I like that. And again, I know this is all easier said than done. And I'm sorry you have to go through it because it's like I can't imagine having to do that. So I don't want to make it sound like this is some sort of easy conversation or

that's. Yeah. I think that it's a good point in that how it does affect my girlfriend too, just because she gets sad about like having to like hide a picture. If they come over, then she. Yeah. Don't do that. Stop.

No, they can accept you or they can't. Yeah. Stop worrying about them accepting you. Okay. All right, confidence. I'm going to bring it. I strongly believe that you should do that. I know that's easier said than done, but.

Yeah. Yeah. Because there's a part of, I'm a parent, I just feel like I'll just keep saying this because eventually, they're just used to having this power over you. Yeah, I've heard you say that before. I agree with that. So, yeah.

And communicate with your mom however you're comfortable with. Letter, in person, both. Don't, definitely, if you can, even with your dad, don't be afraid to constantly tell him that you love them. Let them, no matter what they say to you, I think you will feel better inside. You're not going to be ashamed of the relationship you have, your sexuality, who you live with. And at the same time, you're going to, no matter what they say to you, shower them with love and affection. Yeah, I think I try to do that, but i try to do it with my actions but i can like both whatever yeah yeah let them hear that yeah i was trying i was trying to do it with like the wrong actions of like hiding or like but yeah that's not definitely don't yeah stop that yeah okay this

is who i am this is what i'm going to do i hope that you can accept me whether you you don't have to agree with me yeah but i want your love i want you to be a part of my life it's this isn't gonna this regardless it's gonna change so it's on you to decide but i hope that i can have you guys in my life and support the people i love and this is who I love and it's on you. Perfect. I like it. All right. But yeah, focus your energy on what you have going good in your life. And that is a, seems like a great relationship.

You guys are moving in together and, and let her feel like, don't be ashamed of that and don't make her feel ashamed of it and don't hide it and be thankful that her family is great. Yeah. Awesome. awesome well thank you all right all right all right big fan thanks nick thank you all right bye you're welcome well uh thanks for listening guys uh sex theme i think yeah listen sex is like everyone wants to be this magical thing that just is easy and makes sense and everyone likes the same thing at the same time. And this is not how it works. No.

And compromise. And compromise. Give a little. Get a little. Two people who are on the exact same page sexually, great. But they might be disconnected in other aspects of the relationship. So if you love someone and you love everything about them and you have a pretty solid sex life and it needs some work and you have some differences of likes and dislikes,

totally fine. Just start wanting to do the things that make your partner happy. And as long as you're like, okay, you know, it's fine. Give a little, get a little. Yeah. I like it.

Thanks for listening. As always, don't forget to rate us five stars on iTunes if you are listening on that platform. Sending your questions at asknicklecastnew.com. Cast with a K. Yeah. Bye.