The Viall Files - E183 Ask Nick - Strap Ons & Love Triangles

Episode Date: October 12, 2020

People are sometimes nervous to talk about what turns them on in the bedroom, but letting your freak flag fly doesn’t have to be an awkward conversation with the right person, as we discuss with our first caller. Our second caller approaches the concept of threesomes while being in a monogamous relationship, while our third caller knows how Nick feels about “friends with benefits” but has a question for him to try and find out if her situation is different. Lastly we speak with someone who has put herself in a love triangle between two friends and is trying to navigate how to make sure everyone knows what happened in the past, and what is happening now.  “Own the things you like, someone will love you for it.” You guys nominated us and now it is time to vote, so please go to https://pca.eonline.com/pop-culture/the-pop-podcast-of-2020 and vote for The Viall Files as your favorite Pop Podcast Of 2020 for The E! People's Choice Awards.   THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Jenni Kayne: http://www.jennikayne.com use promo code VIALL for 20% Off.  Article: http://www.article.com/viall to get $50 dollars off your first purchase of $100 or more.  Manscaped: http://manscaped.com use promo code VIALL to get 20% off & free shipping  Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what's going on everybody happy monday to you all i am nick joined by my producer chrissy chrissy how you doing good how are you i'm great chrissy is not even in studio. She is still getting that D. Up here in the Montana. I'm such a good boss. You are the best. No, you are. You're the best. Go get that D.

Who would I be here on this host of a show advocating for dating and looking for love and say no to you getting D. Yeah, right? I mean. We can make it work. It's definitely one of the perks of the job. We have a great episode for you today. A lot of great callers.

You'll be excited. Polls are still open for voting for the Vow Files for the People's Choice Award. I mean, listen, it means a lot that we were nominated. I can't thank you guys enough. I'm proud of all our shows, the Ask Nick, the recaps, our interviews. But I feel like our Ask Nick episode is the ones that really are the passionate ones. And so hopefully you guys take the, quite honestly, like 10 seconds it takes to vote. There's a link in the description box,

link on our website, or my Instagram, on our website. Check us out, it means the world. And you guys can vote every day. 25 times a day. You can what? Well yeah, but like, you can just give us all 25 votes. You just slide it to the right and it takes, you can vote 25 yeah 25 times a day you can just give us all 25 votes you just slide it to the right and it takes you you can vote 25 times in 10 seconds it's amazing it's amazing so i i'm

sorry for begging i know it's not very becoming but like whatever thanks but i'm just gonna beg i'm just really proud of this podcast you know, and to have your audience vote for you is a really meaningful thing. And to win that would be an incredible, it would make me feel really good if I'm being honest. And again, it's not even, it's not about me. It's about you, the people. I don't want to go back on that. So, anyhow.

Don't forget to send in your questions asked me to cast me calm cast with the K certainly need those call ours and we got some great ones today thanks so much for the people who do call in and remember you can be totally anonymous no one will ever find out that you are turned on by a strap-on which is in our episode today and quite frankly I think it's totally fine. Totally fine. Let's get to it. And without further ado, our callers. How's it going? Going pretty good. How are you? Good. What's your name? Let's ask Nick your sexy questions

How's it going? Going pretty good, how are you? Good, what's your name? I am Kelly 35 Hi Kelly, how can I help? Yeah, so I'm just going to dive right in Okay, so I had emailed you regarding a question Regarding my sex life, basically.

Okay, so until I was about 32, no one had ever gotten me off before. Okay. It's always been an issue. Mentally, I just can't get there. But basically, right around the time I was 32 or or so I had a partner who was a lot more open and so every time that we had sex we used a strap-on and basically the only time that I could really get there is by visually watching her give me oral sex on my dildo basically is what I'm trying to say so my question for you is so just so she so she sorry for she's get she's performing oral

sex on the on the dildo yeah while you're wearing the strap on that's right okay just wanted to paint that picture yeah yeah so that for whatever reason it just it does the trick uh but moving forward because not every woman i'm with necessarily wants that so i guess i'm wondering how to broach that subject is like, Hey, so if you want to get me off, like this is what you're going to want to do. I don't know. Do you know what I mean? So how would you go about broaching that subject? Oh, well, I mean, I think one of those things, it's just one of those things you just probably have to take it slow and feel it out. You know, as you are recognizing your, your taste or your preference,

this thing that works for you is unique and specific, right? And not, it might not be for everyone, right? Like, but there's a lot of people as we are, as people in society are talking more about sex and more open to sex. Uh, sometimes the only difference between people is, um, the people who are open to talking about it and admitting they have a bit of a free flag and people who are wet, ready to talk about it yet. Right. So there's a little bit of that, but this is very specific. I think it's one of those things as you're dating, my guess is since this 32 year old episode, or when you're like, there are people who are more sex positive, more comfortable with

expanding their comfort zones and others. And I'm sure as you even start dating early in the dating situation, you can sometimes tell people who are a little bit more, you know, freaky or buttoned up, you know, a little bit more conservative with their sex life. And so I think it's this kind of a gauge, right? I don't think you have to bring this up. You know, a lot of times we get these callers where they have this insecurity about something that they want to address right that they're afraid they're going to be judged you know whatever it is it might be a sexual preference it might be a physical limitation and there or it might be a family situation you know it's like everyone wants to like how do i get it out as much as possible so i know that i'm accepted right and i just want do I get it out as much as possible so I know that I'm accepted? Right. And I just want to, like, get it out there because I don't want to waste my time.

But I think it's always you always want to take some time. You know, you can get a lot of information from the people you're on dates with that can kind of make you believe you can get a gauge on how they might accept or not accept this thing. Does that make sense? Yes. You're not going to bet a thousand. There might be times where you're like, wow, I really thought she'd be into it. You know, guess I was wrong. And then someone might surprise you. Maybe you're dating someone who's like, I really liked him, but oh, I don't know. I don't know if they're going to be into this. And then you tell them, they're like, oh my God, I'm so into this. Right. You just never know. But at the same time, I do think you can kind of sense it. Right.

You can kind of sense. And maybe it's something if you don't do the first time you hook up. Right. You kind of see where things go. If, if, if it's all very missionary and all very vanilla, you know, and they're just not open to going there you know usually like with any any sexual situation right when you date someone you know the first time you have sex you you know if you're dating someone for a while whether it's a hookup friend or you're

dating him for a while those are progression there and let's say you've been dating someone for a while your boyfriend and girlfriend and and you're both have a bit of a freak flag you have done some things you've said some things to each other there's a comfort level and then that relationship ends you break up right you're not going to do all the same you shouldn't assume that your next part sexual partner right off the bat is going to be into all those things. So you take it slow. You try it out. You get to know them. This is just in that repertoire. So, you know, I mean, you might be surprised how many people might.

I mean, I have I just think a lot of people, especially as long as it's there's no like risk of harm. Right. Most people are willing to try anything once i mean no i mean when it comes to sex you know as long as everyone feels safe it's like i don't know let's give it a shot have you been turned down since presenting it no because it was only with that one person since then and took a little bit of a break after a failed relationship so I have been not really doing that and then COVID kind of came along and kind of squashed that for me. But I mean, being with women, as I'm sure you know, it's usually they don't go zero to 60.

So it is kind of a slow progression. So I think that, I don't know, would it be, would you bring it, would you wait until like you start, sorry, until you start talking about like bedroom stuff? Yeah, I definitely would not bring it up before you know you're going to hook up. Like this is not a first date conversation. You know what I'm saying?

Like you have this unique thing, but no one, I'm sure some people do, but I don't think most people, and I certainly don't, any like particular thing I've tried in past sexual experiences that were like maybe considered exploratory that we both liked it's the first day it's like so listen just so you know i like it when someone

does this to me like i don't even know if i'm gonna hook up with this person it's a bit presumptuous right right um so i don't think i think for you if you're on a date with someone, normal date, put this out of your mind. Don't obsess over this. Right. Get to know this person you might want to go on a second date with and then see if you want a second date. And then maybe if you're physically attracted to this person and the feelings are mutual, you might hook up tonight. And then you hook up and you do your thing. You don't bring up this very specific thing. then you know try it out i mean this is the only thing you like i mean if

you like this you might you i'm sure you're into more untraditional things like talking dirty or whatever you know right yeah i'm down for whatever you're down for whatever a lot of people are down for whatever these days. They're just a little afraid of their being judged. So make them feel comfortable, right? And that's the big thing. But yes, I don't think you should ever bring it up before you know sex is a thing in the relationship. And then after it's a thing in the relationship,

you're like, hey, I'm into it. And my guess is they'll probably give it a shot and then they'll decide whether they're into it or not because like the way i'm hearing it it doesn't it's just like it's a unique thing no no no one's unsafe in this situation you're just incorporating toys in the bedroom like a lot of people do that this is not you know i don't think this is that crazy i don't you know i'm not that familiar with lesbian sex so i don't know but like all this is is people incorporating toys right so like don't judge yourself too much uh but don't feel like you need to pre-qualify like there's going to go on a lot of dates and not have sex with people. And certainly don't stop dating because you're afraid of being judged about something you like

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more. That makes sense, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. This doesn't sound that crazy to me. Yeah. I mean, except for some women are very, like, there's still a lot of lesbians out there that are, like, anti-toy.

Sure. Listen, I didn't say this is for everybody. I just don't think it's that crazy you know what i'm saying there's just like there's a whole spectrum of people doesn't matter your sexual orientation of people like more traditional things and people like to you know go outside the box and i've heard freakier things than than this you know? I mean, dildos and strap-ons have been talked about in sex for, you know, this is not like some new invention. It might not be talked about a lot.

It might not be as common. But, like, I'm not sitting here being like, I can't believe you're into this. I don't know. Like, you know, I've never thought about it, but it's like, okay, I guess. I don't know. So just be patient with yourself. And, and I'm sure someone, it's probably someone listening. Who's just like actually same, you know, give me your number. I don't know, but don't, don't judge yourself too much and don't stop dating because you're afraid that you're into something. So,

much and don't stop dating because you're afraid that you're into something so, you know, there's a, I'm sure if everyone was super honest about their, um, the craziest thing they ever done in the bedroom and like told that story, everyone, you know, everyone would be a little like afraid to tell it and some people more than others but sometimes it's just more so awkward is my thing what do you mean i think it's i don't think it's freaky i just think it's awkward to kind of be like so since you're in that area um well i don't know i mean listen the thing about like sex and dirty talk, there's no middle ground, right? It's either sounds super hot and sexy or incredibly weird and awkward. And the difference really is this kind of owning it right in the bedroom and timing and, and being comfortable with your partner and having kind of a mutual respect of like not judging the other person for like trying new things.

You know, it's when you just talk it out loud, sex always sounds awkward. You know, if every guy or girl was like, and then he said this to me. And they just kind of like talk. It just sounds fucking weird. Right? So. Yeah, it does, yeah. So don't do that to yourself.

You like it. Own it. Own that freak flag. Plus, once you get to the point where you're in the bedroom with someone, they're going to want to know how to get you off because it'll get them off to get you off. So it'll become less more awkward of a conversation. So you would hope so. Just to clarify, you're one for one in people you have asked to do this and have them do it. Yes, but I will say that I haven't ever asked any because I didn't know. I know. But you are just to be clear, you're one for one.

You're batting a thousand. It's pretty good. Small sample size. I know. I'm just saying, you know, even if you're batting 200, you know, if I told you two out of every 10 women you asked are going to be into it, would you be happy with those stats? I mean, it could be worse, right? Exactly.

Right. And my guess is the person who's not into that is the person you're just in general not going to be into. That's yes. How someone is in the bedroom and kind of their openness to try new things. If you're someone who's exploratory and adventurous and likes pushing the limits, that type of personality shows itself in other aspects of their life and in relationships. Right? If they're buttoned up at work and in the daily life, they're buttoned up

in bed and that's fine. And if you like someone a little bit more straight laced, totally fine. But like this lady in the sheets and a lady, a freak in the sheets, lady in the streets to a certain degree. But that, yeah, that may be to people he or she doesn't know at work and professional, but their closest, the people they know the closest, they don't hide it. You know what I'm saying? That's who they are. You know what I'm saying? Like, I don't want to date, you know, like anyone I'm dating, like I don't want them to be this different person during the day. Like, yeah, when they go to work, when they talk to my friends, when they go to house parties, yeah, you don't need to share that with everybody, but I want to know her. Yeah, you don't need to share that with everybody.

But I want to know her, right? And you will know this person too. So I'm just saying I wouldn't stress out about the people who aren't into it. You're not going to be into other aspects about their personality. Yeah. I think what concerns me is because I feel like I basically, I just have a lot of cock envy. What's that? I feel like I just envy men. Does that make sense at all or not really?

I mean, I haven't heard that phrase, but sure. I mean, I get what you're trying to say. Yeah. Why does that matter, I guess? I guess because I worry that it will turn off the lady that I'm with. I don't know the answer to that. And my guess is without knowing is it will some, others it won't. Again, you're one for one.

Okay, that's valid, yeah. You know? So, like, yes. Not every, like, whoever you are, if you have kind of non-traditional, like it doesn't even, maybe traditional preferences. Some people don't like traditional, boring, missionary sex. Some like some people like i don't ever want to do that and if some people like that then that's not for them you know everyone has different preferences and matching personality traits and things outside the bedroom are are no different than matching personality traits

and interests inside the bedroom so yeah some people won't like it. Some people will. You know, you're like, you're uncomfortable with this thing that you have decided is non-traditional and now you're judging yourself about it. And now as a result, you're just afraid that no one will like it. And not even no one. It's like you went from being worried that no one will like it to like, what if one person doesn't like it? Then you'll feel judged.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah, that's true. Half, I don't know, 80% won't like it. I don't know what that number is. Some people will. And so far, you're one for one. So you're probably putting a lot of unneeded stress and judgment on yourself with very little information and the only information you do have would actually tell you the opposite

of what you're feeling that's fair yeah so just try not to stress out start dating go on dates without this being really on your radar to talk about, because I'm sure there's a lot more to you than this sexual preference. And then if the relationship advances to the point where you guys are intimate, like maybe on the second, and then you start feeling comfortable with this person where sex becomes an ongoing thing, then maybe consider introducing it. Until then, I don i don't worry about it

just gotta chill out a little bit i think so i think chill out yeah chilling out is just the high level advice i would have but you're okay i think i can i can do it you can totally do it yeah so i just need to just chill out and just wait until bedroom stuff starts happening before i broach it that would that would that's what i would do okay yeah i think i can do that all right best of all right i appreciate your time thanks for calling in thank you have a good one take care Bye. Oh, get those balls silky smooth for your man. Because when you're going down on your guy and you're trying to make him satisfied because you're a giver, it doesn't mean you have to pay the price going through the fucking garden in the forest.

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Hey, I'm Melinda 34. How are you? Good Melinda. How can I help? Hey, well, I just was,

you know, calling in today to talk to you about threesomes and monogamy. Awesome. If there is such a thing, do you think you could help me with that? I can try my best. Okay, great. Well, do you want a little backstory? That'd be great. Like how we got here. Okay.

So my boyfriend and I have been together a short amount of time, but it's a pretty committed, serious relationship. And from the very beginning of our relationship, he mentioned that having a threesome would be like a fantasy bucket list type thing for him. And at first I was like, nah, that's just not something I'm into. I did disclose that I am a bisexual, but that doesn't mean I was like, you know, I'm a monogamous type person. That doesn't mean I'm just down to do whatever just because of my sexual preference. Did he understand that?

Oh, yeah, he did. And that's something about him that's been really consistent is just his understanding and patience. And he's like, well, you know, but his desire to have a threesome any more than if you weren't a bisexual you know would you want to have two guys in the bedroom that wouldn't fulfill this sexual fantasy of his absolutely okay so he and he definitely understood that and it was something like it wasn't like an automatic like um oh you're bisexual and that that means this is in the bag, you know? Great. All right. So, so at first I was like, I'm just not interested in really pursuing that. But as we continue to date and we continue to get to know each other, I, I guess I've just started opening up to the idea of exploring it. Just like, I'll just think about it okay and we'll just because he wasn't really

badgering or saying I'll just like bringing it up a lot or anything but really honestly as I started following falling in love with him and feeling open with him on every level and just able to communicate with every more than I've ever been able to communicate with somebody before I felt more secure in our relationship than I felt in any other relationship I've been in before. And it just felt like something I wanted to kind of make his dreams come true, I guess you would say. And then we started this whole process of research and exploration of how

this works because, you know, we want to protect our monogamy we want to protect our relationship that's our priority but how do you interlace these two how do you interlace this together and the more i research the more i discovered it's not something i can do just to say okay i want to give this to you as like a gift, like because it's just not, that wouldn't be a healthy, I mean, I guess that is one, I guess you could do that. When you say research, I'm curious, where is this, where does one research? There's just, it's so, there's so much to read about it.

I mean, there's obviously. On that I don't doubt, but like where, are these coming from blogs or like experts on threesomes? Oh, well, actually I have several different options. There's blogs. Then there's definitely just researching like pornography. But also I have a few friends who are in the lifestyle like a swinger type lifestyle. So research in that regard.

swinger lifestyle so research in that regard and actually more recently since um we went to a swinger party just as like observers like you can like say we're here to observe we're not really here to participate which if you haven't done one of those highly recommend it very interesting it's just i will say the more the say the more we've entered into just this exploration of what this could be, the more you realize how close you are as a couple, the more communication, it's just like the overabundance of communication just becomes like you communicate on everything. Yeah. And then you end up witnessing a lot more together i guess you would say so where are you at now what's your question yeah oh yeah i guess the question would

be just sort of from a third party not just you know like i said there's so much out there you can read one thing you can read one article on it says it'll definitely destroy your relationship then you can read one article that says no there's just it there is there can be just the physical aspect of it without like an emotional connection so mine is like my question is like from your opinion or experience or just from discussing do you feel like there can be You feel like there can be a threesome scenario inside of monogamy and preserve the relationship. Great question. The reason why there's so many different opinions about it out there is because, and none of them are wrong, right? Because there are so many different preferences and what people decide for themselves,

what monogamy means to them, what they value in a relationship, people's confidence levels in themselves, people's confidence levels with their partner, the trust that is or isn't there in a relationship. All of those things play a role. Is it possible to be in a monogamous committed, I mean, monogamous depends again how you define it, but a committed relationship where you are monogamous unless you guys both mutually decide to do the threesome or open or whatever.

Because I guess technically a monogamous relationship wouldn't be like an open relationship. You know, it's one of the two. But we all get what you're saying is it is it possible 100 it's possible i say that with a lot of confidence um my biggest thing and from my experiences with people i know or my potentially own experiences a lot of it comes down to, again, it's all about trust, right? Trusting yourself, trust in relationship, trust with your partner. I think it's really important to have both parties truly feel very sexually desired by their partner, right? desired by their partner right if this is really just about expanding the relationship that is already really healthy the sex is great it's just maybe another door you're opening or a cherry on top then it's possible if this is uh i feel like my boyfriend or girlfriend's not as into me as

they used to be and i'm trying to do whatever they want to make them satisfied. And I'm trying to then that's that's just a train wreck waiting to happen. But I think if if two people are just like so into each other, just so physically like their sex is great, they're just like like they it's really just their sexual napalm. You know, not to quote john john mayor when he talks about joshua simpson but like yeah certain people just do it for you right and when you find that person that and you happen to be lucky enough to be in a relationship with them

you're just like i'm just god every time you're just like i never get sick of it it's so good and then that person is someone you want to introduce a threesome with then it's possible because then when you are and then if you do that you'll to introduce a threesome with, then it's possible because then when you are, and then if you do that, you'll find that you're still very connected. You may find that when you do it, that actually what happens is you're just kind of annoyed by the third party. And that, to be honest, is kind of fun. You're just like, wow, I have this other person here,

but all I really want to focus on is my partner so then you're having this threesome there's this third party there that's kind of the outsider already and you two like have this kind of unspoken connection this familiarity that you have right this other person is this kind of there and it can bring you a lot closer you know what i'm saying but it also can tear people apart. It just really depends on your motives. So I think if you're someone who really is confident in their relationship, confident with themselves, confident in their partner attraction to them and vice versa. And like you said, you are really communicating. You're on the same page. You're just in no way insecure about your partner's desire for you. Then I think it's possible. But if there's a hint of like insecurity that you have,

I'm like, why are they asking for this threesome? Are they maybe into like, are they bored with me or things like that? If there's even a hint of that, I think that's a risk. And I think it just matters, you know, where you are. And it comes down to trust and communication. But I think how confident you are in your partner's attraction to you is a really significant part in that equation. Yeah. Okay.

That makes perfect sense and kind of goes in line with where we have kind of landed in the research. are going into it with any type of ulterior motive, like you want to sway the other person to, or even have like this, well, I did this act for you, you know, then you owe me this, then that's a red flag. But no,

it's a team effort. It really is a team. Yeah. You're doing this together. And in that sense, it can be really hot and in a, in a weird way, bring you closer to it.

It can definitely make you feel closer because you're just like you're just like you know like honestly this i could be with it really can um yeah because that person you're having like you're you're already with you're like sexual napalm and this other person is you know know, new, attractive, different, all those things. But it's still not, you know. Yeah. It's not the same. Yeah.

It's like you're obsessed with pizza. So you'll never get sick of pizza. No matter what. It's always your favorite pizza. And, you know, cereal is pretty good. And like, yeah, I guess I also really like cereal. But it's never been any better than pizza but once in a while not that you're sick of pizza it'd be nice to have those lucky charms i know

pizza and cereal don't go together but like but like but you still like cereal never come in the way of pizza for you or whatever it is you know so like as long as you have the thing that you're most obsessed with sexually then anything new is just kind of like a fun little like addition. And in a way you're almost going to feel like, all right, cereal, don't get too excited. You're not pizza. Like you're here. Welcome to the party. Have fun. But like, let's not know your role. And then it can be a lot of fun. Yeah, that's a great analogy. That's a really good one.

That could have been better. I like how you put it. No, I mean, I like where you went with that. That was good. It can stay. So I hope that was helpful. That was very helpful. Thank you so much.

And you know what? I'll let Chrissy know how it goes. All right. Sounds good. Best of luck. Thanks. Bye- of luck thanks bye how's it going good how are you good what's your name my name is kim how old are you oh how old am i sorry um i'm 36 years old great how can i help kim? So I'm writing in about a friends with benefits situation, and I know what you think about friends with benefits, but I'm going to ask anyways. So I started dating this guy in January before COVID. Friend of a friend, hit it off really well, dated all through COVID, got a little bit, um I think closer sooner rather than later because we were spending a lot of time in each other's houses um but still participating in zoom happy

hours with friends I met his dad he met my brother um and then in May he came over for dinner one night and decided he didn't want to be together anymore for no real reason. So he had brought over all my things. And we had had a few check-ins about the relationship. He said things were going great. He wants a wife and kids. I want a husband and kids. Things seemed to be going on the same page until that night when he decided he didn't want to be together anymore.

So he left. I didn't say anything. I tried to listen to your podcast and just said, OK, I'm sorry you feel that way. Let him go. And then I called a week later to inform him that I didn't appreciate how he ended things, though I understood. I was just wanting him to know that the feedback was that that was a shitty way to end things. He could have talked to me sooner. Yeah. So then a month goes by. What was specifically shitty about it? Because we had just checked in like a week before and he said things were going great. And then when he was breaking up with me, he said that actually he's been in turmoil about things and he didn't really know how things were going, even though he acted as if things were going well.

And that he gets to points in relationships where he just gets scared of commitment, but he hadn't told me that. And I just said that it felt selfish. And he said, Okay, maybe, but that's just how he does things. So a month after that, he reached out to me and wanted to start like the friends with benefits, hanging and banging situation. And I had felt like at that point we spent enough time apart like maybe I could engage in that um because our sexual chemistry was great we always had fun together so I was like okay I'll come over for one night and that'll be it um but then that turned into a weekly situation um where we would have dinner together and it was

great again it felt like we were dating again, but we weren't. We were like very strictly friends with benefits. So you went from dating a guy that you were pursuing romantically and taking exception to how he handled it to then transitioning to a friend with benefits? You went like the opposite direction as they usually go. Opposite. Yes. Okay. All right. Just to clarify. Continue.

Good clarification. I have, I've not done this before. This is new. Um, and this is the first guy I've seriously dated since I've been divorced. Um, so then I moved to San Diego. Um, I've been here a month and I've been back to Denver once, and we saw each other when I went back. And he calls every couple weeks to check in, and we talk for an hour on the phone. So it's like continuing friends with benefits, even though I don't live there anymore.

And he said our benefits run out when one of us meets somebody else romantically. Wait, what are you talking about for an hour? Friends with benefits are like people who like just have sex. I know it's a hang and bang. This is, this is extending the hang and bang. That's why I'm confused. When you're talking for an hour,

it's not even banging. It's just hanging. I know it's just hanging. So now I don't, that's what I am asked. That's why I feel like he even just texted me last night. Like we just talk about our jobs. We have a lot of similar values health wise. we just talk about our jobs we have a lot of

similar values health-wise so we talk about our days what we do like like we're friends um he randomly texts me photos like a friend would what you are is a rent-a-girlfriend is that what I am yeah shoot see I don't want that. And I want a relationship. Yeah. Well, it's not going to be with him. And he's actually said that to you. Yeah, so what is he doing? Whatever he wants, apparently.

And you're letting him. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I was afraid you were going to say. Yeah, but it doesn't feel great. No, but like, and the,

like I was going to, while you're talking, I was going to like, before I just said what I said, I was to be like, well, what do you think? It's like, you knew,

I mean, that's kind of the point is you got to trust your gut. Right. And sometimes the truth hurts is we all know, and we, we know that saying, but like, especially going back to when you're like,

when you said to him, I called him up and I told him I didn't appreciate how he handled it. I mean, listen, you have the right to feel that way. And it felt you were hurt. And, you know, and I tweeted one of my little quotes about like, just because you're hurt doesn't mean you're necessarily owed something. And I thought, you know, and a lot of people agreed with it. mean you're necessarily owed something when i thought in a and a lot of people agreed with it a lot of people didn't necessarily agree with it because it's one of those funny things where it depends on the perspective of the person who's reading that right there's things in the news these days that made me think of that you know uh recently like actually quite frankly what made me

think of it is demi lovato's breakup right with her her ex-iance. And lately he's just kind of like going on social and saying things like, well, I loved her and no one deserves to be treated this way. And it's just like, listen, I'm sorry you're hurting, guy, but people have a right to move on, right? People have a right to have their feelings change. People have a right to those feelings to change overnight. Doesn't make them a bad person. Now, that doesn't, again, exclude someone from communicating and being empathetic and talking through those things. But people have a right to move on. You don't own someone's feelings towards you, right? Now, again, there's a broader argument. Then like, well, what about fuckboys and

blah, blah, blah? It's just like, yeah, i understand that can suck but like we also owe it to ourselves and here's a perfect situation where a while back here this guy was at least honest with you eventually right and then you got mad you told him and then you chose to still let him do whatever the fuck he wants which is not only have sex with you when he wants but also call you and talk about his work and maybe things that are bothering him or his day and have you listen to him like a girlfriend would yeah and as long as any and he is he's being honest with you like i don't he's not he's not a fuck boy he's just like he's being selfish yeah but you're letting him he's he's totally being honest with you you can't accuse him of lying you know he's just

giving you the like when i find someone i want to be in a relationship with i'm going to end this you know and with some part of you is subconsciously telling you like you'll you'll you'll change his mind you're gonna show him how great you are and eventually he'll realize what he's lost and i mean like maybe but like you you have done enough to show him that like you know what i'm saying like yeah he the only way he's now going to realize it is losing you before he finds someone else so he's trying showing him over and over how great like what is there something you haven't showed him about yourself that is so great that you're saving like this will really get him but i'm just softening him up right now no i even sent him a birthday present

oh god you're the worst i am the the worst. I need to end this. So then what do I, because I now feel like I have to take some onus of control because I don't think he owes me anything. I appreciated your tweet. What do I say? Listen, I just want to end this. It's fine. You've been very honest.

And that's the thing. You don't call him out for anything. This was on you. I know it's fine you've been very honest like and that's the thing you don't call them out for anything this was on you i know it's on me i'm taking full responsibility for this you've been honest with me i appreciate it but like i just don't want to do this anymore you know i liked you i still like you thank you for being honest with me about like the fact that you don't want this to be a relationship but i'm not interested in being your friends with benefit or your rent a girlfriend like friends with benefits just have sex yeah there's an emotional detachment there we're we're not just hookup buddies i don't have time to talk to you about your like i'm

saving that for someone else who has time for and you don't want to. And that's totally fine. The key here is being chill as fuck. The key here is not sounding like you're trying to say this to him to get a reaction. It might get a reaction. I don't know. But you're truly just being like, listen, I've changed my mind. I don't want this. I want something else. And what you're willing to give is not what I want.

And so it's totally fine. Thank you for all the fun times that we had. I appreciate the conversations. Enjoy the gift. I just don't want to keep doing this anymore. So is that a phone call or a text? Whatever you want. Who gives a shit about him? What do you want? Do what you want. Don't worry about how he will react. I'm saying this because there's a part of you that's listening to me and being like, yeah, okay, Nick, you're right. And your ego is just like, Hey Kim, fuck this guy. You're amazing. And we're just going to mind fuck this guy into convincing

him of how amazing we are. Like that's what your ego is telling you right now. And like whatever you want to do, fucking do it and don't consider how he is going to react. Okay. And then when you say or do whatever it is you want to do, don't think about,

well, I wonder what he's thinking now. I wonder if he's okay. Don't call up your friends and be like, he's upset, right? He's really thinking about me, right? He's bothered, right? Like that doesn't do you any good.

No, I can't even tell my friends I'm still talking to him. It's embarrassing there you go that's a great there's only a few that know you should tell your ego that you you ego you've embarrassed me yes ego I know and I really try to keep my ego out of it because you always say to do that but it has held on tight to this one I don't know why it's fine you're human yeah you're human but like the point is do whatever the fuck you want in terms of how you end this and don't consider his feelings i don't want to be a rent-a-girlfriend god no i'm too old for that i want an actual relationship yeah yeah fuck buddy would be a generous description of this situation.

No, yeah, it's more than that. Okay. I don't want to be a renter girlfriend. I'm going to text him, and I don't care how he feels or how he responds. He's renting you as a girlfriend, and you gave him a gift. I know. It's the worst. I'm like a free renter girlfriend.

I don't even cost money. I even listen every time you say to not text people on their birthday because everyone always asks that. Should I text my ex on their birthday? Not only did I do that, I sent him a birthday present. I'm the worst. I'm going to not be a rent-a-girlfriend. As long as you know. I do know. I'm self-aware enough. I just have to change my behavior. That's okay. You're human. It's always easy from this chair to cast judgment. You're human. It's always easy from this chair to cast judgment. Well, no, I appreciate your advice. And my friend Tila uses your essential oils and we listen to you every week. So thank you. Well, thank you very much. All right. Best

of luck. You're going to be great. Thanks. I'm going to text him. Okay. Bye. How's it going? Hi. good. My name's Melissa. I'm 25. Hi, Melissa. How can I help? So I need some boy advice. I kind of have like a love triangle, kind of messy situation going on. A little back story. About a year ago, I met this guy, we went on a few dates.

It's just sort of like turned into just a hookup thing. And I never like developed romantic feelings for him. I don't think he did for me either. We naturally want our separate ways, still friendly, whatever. Flash forward to like now, like a year or so later, I matched with this guy on a dating app and we were planning to meet up and then I, different guy, yeah, different guy. And I stalked his social media, come to find out he is co-workers and friends with the guy that I used to hook up with so I just stopped talking to him like out of respect for that guy not wanting to you know be a homie hopper or however people call them never heard of that okay but then like but then coincidentally like three days later my roommate who didn't know me at the time that I was hooking up with the original guy, um, sends me a screenshot of him and it's like,

should I get drinks with this guy? We've been talking like blah, blah, blah. And I was like, yeah, go for it. But just FYI, I used to kind of date him. So she goes back to him and it's like, oh, I, this is my roommate melissa you guys used to date and he was just like well dating is a strong word so like he didn't care so i was like okay fair game so i'll go out with the other guy and then we all end up going on a double date and so it went from you i didn't feel weird it went from like you being unsure if you should talk to him to now you're all on a double date? Yeah. Okay.

And him and I like facilitated the double date. And I didn't feel weird because. You and the old hookup. Yeah, me and the old hookup facilitated the double date. I didn't feel weird or awkward about it because I haven't seen this guy in like over a year. I never liked him enough to date him. Clearly he didn't feel the same. So like no hard feelings.

I was more interested in getting to know his friend. And then after the date, I texted him and was like, did you like my roommate? Did you have a good time? You know, trying to get some insight for her. And he ignored all this text. roommate? Did you have a good time? You know, trying to get some insight for her. Um, and he ignored all of this text. And then I went on like a second and a third date with his friend. And on the third day, I didn't want to hook up with him because I don't know if I want to date him yet. And I don't want to have like the same situation I had with the original guy and their

friends. I didn't want to make things weird, But apparently I have no self-control because I hooked up with him on our third date. Question. Did you have any conversation with the new guy about the first guy? No. That is like kind of leading up to my question for you. Like I don't know. That was probably your first mistake. Okay. my question for you like i don't know probably your first mistake okay i didn't know if that

was like scare him away or if that was too direct to bring it up well the answer is i don't know if it would scare him away but like as you i mean you're you're dating in la and it's not just la i mean la is not the only horny city out there right it's yeah it's a hookup culture nationwide right and so especially on dating apps there's going to be some overlap and so i think just more mature people just put it out there like you don't know what his answer is going to be but like like listen hey just you know i don't know how well you know whoever whoever this the first guy is but like you know we briefly dated like if you have questions i'm happy to tell you about it but i just in the interest of like just being giving you a heads up

like i still want to get to know you but i want you to you know i don't want i want you to hear it from me because right off the bat now you're just kind of laying this groundwork that you're very honest you're up front you're not afraid of awkward situations he has no reason not to trust you because early in the relationship before it was even a relationship you were just direct and honest okay and that makes sense and yeah he might say uh you were you were already willing to just cut him loose right so like, if you're willing to say, Oh, well, I don't want to,

I don't know what phrase you termed homie hopper. Homie hopper. Why weren't, why didn't you just, you know, do the mature thing and just say, Hey, like,

you know, your, this new guy has hooked up with other people to bring it up. Like, like, like, listen, no offense to virgins out there or anything, but we all assume most people, especially LA aren't virgins. Taboo what? Like, listen, no offense to virgins

out there or anything, but we all assume most people, especially LA, aren't virgins. And if you are, great. But, you know, he's assuming

you're not a virgin, right? And like, there's some overlap. You know, the world's small. So like, taboo, like, you know,

it is what it is. He may... I just figured he must know already. Like, there's no way the other guy didn't tell him why i mean like why why would you assume this is what you decided to do and you're assuming that

he would do something different you know like you're just like well this was my choice he might be and i'm not trying to be hard on you he but he might choose to have been as indirect and as immature as you decided to be. And it sounds like that's what happened. You both just decided to like ignore it. And now it leads to this. So, so where are things at now?

Um, so after we hooked up, I was still hanging out with him that day. And the original guy who ignored all my previous texts, I had two missed calls from him and text messages asking if I wanted to hang out and I was with the other guy. So I kind of told him to see what his reaction would be and he didn't have one at all. So I'm just wondering.

So clarify. You were like, new new guy you're out with new guy and you're like hey old guy is like asking me to hang out but does he know that you does he still not know you guys had sex yeah i don't think so he still doesn't know like so you didn't say that you hooked up you're just like, new guy is hitting on me. What do you think? Yeah. And he was more like, I don't care. Like, whatever.

Hang out with him. Yeah. He just, like, had no reaction. So is it too late to bring this all up now? What do you mean by no reaction? Like, he literally had a stone face. He didn't even look at me. He didn't give out a giggle. So I'm like, does he even know that I used to hook up with his friend probably not yeah it might be

awkward I don't know it sounds like there's a lot of immaturity and a lot of non communication going on here and you're just doing a lot of guessing assuming everyone else is doing the work for you. Okay. Take care of your business. Stop worrying about how other things might handle their business. Do you think overall? Overall, I think it might be too late. But again, you don't know. The only option you have right now as far as relates to this current situation

is come clean, be mature, be honest, indirect, own up to what you didn't do explain what you wish you would have done from the beginning acknowledge that like i listen i'm not making excuses why i did it but like that's not who i am and i and i don't know if you do you like this guy the new guy well i mean i'm still trying to figure that out but i'm wondering like do guys care if a girl has had sex with their friend in the past like would he even date me if he knew that i don't know i don't do you know how good of a friend he is with this guy i know i mean they have multiple photos on their socials well they work together that means everything i have no Listen, I don't know either, and I'm being sarcastic, but just be, like, communicate.

Just say what's up, right? Like, you're doing a lot of not communicating and making a lot of assumptions at the risk of, I don't know, I don't even know what your motivation is. Because you're not even saying, oh, I really like, and I'm afraid of losing them. You're just like, I'm still figuring it out. But meanwhile, while you're figuring out if you like him, you're representing yourself who,

as someone who's not good at communicating and keeps secrets for no reason. I don't want that. Like, you know, you're not even necessarily trying to hide it. You're not even giving me the impression. You're just like, well,

I just, is it awkward to tell him you don't know the answer what if it does bother him and you do end up liking him right and now you've better to cut it off now you've lied to him well not only that like no not cut it off just like i what i yeah i you your motivation for your decision making is quite interesting. Because I don't know what your motives are. You know what I'm saying? Like, you don't even know if you like him yet.

Well, I do know for me personally, I'm not in a position where I want to just, like, hook up with guys and that be it. Like, I want to. And maybe I gave him the wrong impression from sleeping with him on our third date i mean listen it's a third date like whatever just because you have sex with someone on the third date doesn't mean you don't want a monogamous relationship like one like it's not a mutual exclusive thing the big thing here is you need to get better at communicating in general and just yeah being direct you know there's no downside to being direct like everything you've done you could have like everything you've done you should have done the opposite and like and you would be no less off you know what i'm saying because all as of now what you're telling me is

i've been dating this guy we had sex it was fine and i'm still figuring out if i like him right so like okay none of this of the things that have happened have been like you could you couldn't do without right yeah but you still don't know if you would like him and if you do realize that you find out that you're like i really like this guy now you're gonna be like oh shit he still doesn't know i hooked up with the other guy it's not even a big deal but i've've essentially lied to him. I've lied to him by omission. I haven't been upfront. And what he's going to feel like if he likes you is he's going to feel misled. He's going to feel like an idiot going on a double date knowing that you guys hooked up and no one told him he's gonna feel dumb you know okay so your advice would have just to been from

the very start told him like hey i used to date and hook up with your friend like does that bother you yeah not don't even ask if that bothers you okay be like hey just you know like this is the situation i'm fine i i i would like but like also like i don't know you know i just want to let you know but like if you still want to go out i'm totally down to go out and he might be like eh i don't know seems weird i'm good have a great life fine right but now you know because the fact that you hooked up with this other guy wasn't going to change and if he is someone who's just like not into that, then he wasn't your guy anyways. You know?

Okay. You're right. Yeah. I agree. What are you going to do? Invest six months in this guy and then eventually have him find out and then like it's something you fight for the next year before you break up? No.

That's impossible. Save yourself the trouble. Be up front right away. You know? And stop assuming other people are going to handle your your business this is your business this you're like the fact that you hooked up with this other guy yeah the fact that you hooked up this other guy is a random coincidence but you can't expect this other guy to tell him your business and your business is your business it doesn't matter if it happened to include someone else who's in like in this circle.

Yeah. You still want to tell your version anyways. God only knows what he told them. You really want to trust this hookup is to like tell your story. Absolutely not. You're totally right. No, I don't trust her at all.

Deal with your stuff, right? And then let the new guy tell you how he feels. Give him an opportunity to tell you how he feels. Give him an opportunity to tell you how he feels. And then you might then then all of a sudden you have like open communication and honesty as a foundation of this relationship as opposed to. Guessing. Guessing and and and, you know, and you're not trying to be a liar. You're not trying to be dishonest, but you are being one right now.

Great. It's fine, but listen, it's just a lack of maturity on your part. And I'm not saying you're an immature person, but you're making some immature decisions that sounds like you are aware of and you can do better. You're just in the future. There's no reason to just be upfront and honest.

People hook up with other people, it happens. And if other people, if he was this, he might show his immaturity by saying, you're asking me a general question, do guys matter? I don't know. Some, some or others. All depends on how close you are. Maybe they're like best fucking friends. Could be a little on how close you are maybe they're like best

fucking friends could be a little weird right or maybe they're just kind of co-workers who like it's like all right well it's not my favorite reality but like i like you so like we'll just it is what it is right if you're you know you tell them like listen we hooked up a couple times neither of us really connected we We went our separate ways. And I really want to get to know you. Like any mature guy, if he is into you, would just get over it. Any insecure guy might not. But you don't want to date an insecure guy who's going to constantly fucking bring this up to you. Your entire relationship.

No. I also don't want to just date a guy that only wants to hook up, too. Like I want someone that wants the same thing. So I guess I'll just have to be more honest. Yeah, well, that's a whole separate thing. And again, you're allowed to have sex on a third date and still tell someone, I want to be in a monogamous relationship, and I want a boyfriend, and I don't want just a hookup partner.

Like, you don't have to become a nun to prove to someone you want a relationship. Okay. You know? That's good advice. Thank you. It's just like setting expectations about other things you want in the relationship. Like sex is part of a relationship, so have all the sex you want,

but expect them to do other things. Okay. Thank you. But yeah. I'll tell you this much. When you're just direct with guys and you tell them what's up, and you tell them will, you will be, I'll tell you this much when you're just direct with guys and you tell them what's up and you tell them like, and don't apologize. This is what I did before you existed in my world.

I'm just going to be honest with you because you seem like someone who can handle it. You have nothing to apologize for and to say it with confidence and then see what he says. Good chance. You'll be attracted to your honesty and your confidence in yourself. Okay. Well, I guess I will have that conversation with him. This might not go well now because of how you handled it,

but in the future, start from the beginning. And who knows? I don't know this guy. It might not. But there's a good chance he might feel dumb and also if he like is in if if he is actually disinterested and he's like i don't care fuck you know you can fuck whoever you want we're just fucking then you also will get your answer on what he wants in a relationship right now what if he's like i already knew okay well i still wish i would i i still wish i still should

have told you right this is not about whether him knowing or not this was about me you not deciding to be up front and direct and letting someone else tell your business when it was your responsibility to tell someone your business okay and then maybe it sounds like you're at a point where it's like, listen, I'm not trying to rush things, but like, you know, you can have that kind of pre-qualifying defining the relationship. Does he, have you had a conversation with a guy about what your expectations of what you're looking for? No, I don't even know when to bring those things up to guys.

So I just. Yeah. You're not the best communicator. Just start saying what you want. I thought I was a pretty good one. No, what about what you've said would describe someone who's good at communicating? I mean, when is it too soon to bring up what you are looking for in a relationship? What you're looking for? Yeah.

I don't know, the first date. You think, okay. I mean i mean like how to be organic don't be one of those people like who meets on a dating app and is just like just so you know i'm just don't i don't don't start listening to things you don't want but listen things you do want like yeah i mean of course i'm looking to date someone i am definitely not in a hookup stage in my life it doesn't mean i don't hook up but like i'm actively trying to meet someone who wants to date so like if you're just like actively trying to hook up with someone totally cool not for me like what's wrong with that having that conversation at some point on a first date and again it's about the delivery saying what you want is much more attractive than saying what you don't want. You make it sound so simple and easy. So I'm going to

try it your way. But also like be okay with someone giving you an answer you don't like. Oh, I'm not into that. Totally cool. The more chill you are, the more easy that sounds, the more attractive and confident you'll come across. Okay. All right. I'm going to try it out. And then you just sound like a girl who knows what she wants and people like people who know what they want. And it sounds like you do know what you want. You just have to get better at saying it. Because you present yourself as someone who's confused about what she wants and you are not. You're just confused about how you should say it. Agreed. Yes. But you make it pretty simple. i'm gonna i'm gonna try it your way it is simple you're complicating it okay i'm done complicating it i'm gonna try you're not the

only one listen i'm being hard on you but um okay yeah you got you can do this it's just... Thank you. Say what you want. It's a lot, you know. And there is no, like, well, how soon, like, if it's too soon for someone else, it doesn't mean you did it wrong. It means they're not your person. Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

Better to weed them out now, too. Yeah, just because someone's not ready to hear what you're saying doesn't mean you shouldn't be ready to say it. Okay. Thank you. You're welcome. Very well said. All right.

Well, best of luck. Start being direct. There's nothing ever wrong with being direct and honest. Ever. You're right. Thank you so much. All right. All right.

Well, take care. Thanks for calling. Thanks. Bye. Bye. Well, what a fun episode. I feel like we learned a lot I don't totally remember I've been in the zone for the past

You were in a zone today It was so good Hour and a half But Some good nuggets in there We're not owed love I know that Yeah

That was a good one But it's nice It's really nice yeah reactions aren't necessarily how we feel it's about the situation that was good too allow yourself to have it all it's a takeaway today well that being said hey while you're at it before you go if you're listening to this god it would just mean the fucking world to me if you guys would have vote for vile files for the people's choice thing it would i mean i'm not even pretend it wouldn't just mean podcast 20 you can vote every day tell your friends uh i can't thank you enough for

voting for this show and nominating us and if we don't win it's fine i still love you but it would wow i might cry if i win um i'd kind of like to see that actually um but i do appreciate it guys so thanks so much for doing that and taking the time. It is really easy to vote. I will say that. It takes like 12 seconds. Find the link on Instagram. My mom figured it out. It's real. You literally just have to put in an email address

and then slide and give us all 25 of those votes. So thanks so much for listening, guys. Don't forget to send your questions to asknick at castme.com, cast with a K. And Bachelor is back. So check us out then we're on tuesday check us out tomorrow for a recap of claire tasha's episode and then uh we're back on wednesday it's a new schedule new format so we're nothing's really changed we're still going to have ask nick bachelor recaps and then our interviews they're just kind of crammed in differently instead of releasing it monday night it'll be tuesday night so and we got daisy fuentes and richard marks davy fuentes and richard

marks on wednesday i'm gonna die i love it so much i'll be fine i'll be fine well thank you for listening and see you tomorrow