The Viall Files - E186 Ask Nick - He's A Drug & You're Addicted

Episode Date: October 19, 2020

On todays episode of Ask Nick we talk a lot about different kinds of relationships. We start with a caller that finds herself confused about her toxic relationship that is not making her feel good about herself or her body. Next we speak with a woman who is dating someone she is in love with, & he is separated from his ex, but not divorced and does not want to address the issue. Our next caller is stuck between listening to her heart and listening to her mind. When her ex resurfaces she realizes she does not feel the passion she had for him in her current relationship. Finally we speak with a someone who’s wanting a relationship with her best friend turned boyfriend turned friend, now that they are in the same place and more mature to handle their past.  “You caring for him as a human being doesn’t mean that you should be disrespected.” You guys nominated us and now it is time to vote, so please go to https://pca.eonline.com/pop-culture/the-pop-podcast-of-2020 and vote for The Viall Files as your favorite Pop Podcast Of 2020 for The E! People's Choice Awards.   THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Liquid IV: http://www.liquidiv.com use code VIALL at checkout for 25% off your order. Modern Fertility: http://www.modernfertility.com/viall for $20 off your test.  MVMT: http://www.mvmt.com/viall to get 15% off with free shipping and free returns.  Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hi, it's Monday y'all and as some of you might be feeling a little slow today, so I started a little slow. Thanks for tuning in. I hope you're enjoying this and maybe it is a Tuesday. I don't know what day you guys get to us. We're not day specific. You know, you can do it. You can listen to us whenever you want.

Maybe it's football Sunday and he's off. You don't like watching football. I don't know. Thanks for tuning in. Any life news? Any what's going? I forgot to tell you i had a wild wild day last night you did my neighbor i have a very it turns out very friendly neighborhood

everyone's very welcoming the classic like nice stop by here's a casserole here's a like a plant you know with a card and and uh it's you know very very nice my my neighbor knocked at my house he had introduced himself before he's one of those like he does it all guys and he's super friendly and he likes to hang and he plays reggae music i love that um be a fire pit guy i don't know but he he he like he cooks you know he wanted to cook for me and he like showed me how to cook his gutted this fish right in front of me and put on the grill just for me and he he grows his own stuff and and we we indulge in some of the stuff he grows and it was just a wild night wild with the neighbor i was like what am i doing i feel like i got kidnapped for a second and he's like cutting the knife and i'm like pretty sure he's not gonna murder me but

yeah he's like i don't know this guy and he's like you're just letting him in well i mean i was at his place outside we were outside at his place and uh it's fucking wild you know crazy things happen neighborhood living i mean i had the same thing happen in montana it's kind of crazy we had the neighbor come up and be like hey what are you guys doing we're like he's like dude i just got some roadkill whitetail and made some jerky you want some i was like what goes on here this fish was actually quite good. It was. I really enjoyed it. It wasn't roadkill. It wasn't roadkill whitetail.

We also had antelope. It was my first time trying antelope. We went in Montana. I mean, it was really good. It was like cut fresh, build a fire, cook on it. It was wild. I was like, I'm going to go with this. I had this thought of like, okay.

Try anything once. You know, he seems like a really nice guy yeah you know one of those guys where i was just like okay how long do i stay here before it's like rude i had fun it was nice but it was it was interesting it was like okay neighbors you never know what you're gonna get i so far so good it seems like i have a nice little community it's better than having a neighbor that's screaming at you. Like that would be terrible. Yeah.

Or thinks you're too loud. No, I don't think so. That's good. So I hope you guys have good neighbors. Love thy neighbor. Speaking of being a good neighbor. Yeah. Good neighbors should vote.

People's Choice Award. I feel bad asking at this point. At this point, it's getting a little exhausting, but also vote. Only if you want to. At this point, either you are or you are not. Either you're in it or you're not. You're not. So it's not that I care.

It's fine. Either way, we got nominated. It's cool. It's cool. Don't forget to send in your questions at asknick cast media.com cast with a K K S T. Um, if you're looking for more bachelor entertainment, there's always the,

uh, Patreon that's available and it's wild. It's fun. It is worth your time. I promise you that much link is all over my social, uh, battery cap episode two tomorrow. Subscribe.

Subscribe. Don't forget to subscribe to the Vile Files We don't say that enough Tell your friends about the show I don't know if you want And we have an amazing guest On Wednesday as well Don't forget your Bachelor recaps But we're dropping them back to back

We're dropping it like 6 hours apart I hope you're enjoying all the content we're putting out Fuck we're working hard We're wrapping it like six hours apart. I don't know. I hope you're enjoying all the content we're putting out. Yeah. Fuck, we're working hard. We're working really hard. For you, people. We've got a fun guest on Wednesday. It'll be good.

Can't wait. Let's get to the callers. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Hey, I'm doing fine. What about yourself? I'm great. What's your name?

I'm Alma Sanchez. Hi, Alma. How can I help? How old are you? I'm 20. Great. How can I help? Yeah.

So I've just been confused about what to do in my current relationship. Tell us about it. As I explained in the email, a lot has happened between us, both good and bad, mostly bad recently. And I just like feel like he doesn't like respect me like during our relationship, like in our relationship as much. Okay, could give us more specifics. So during like, okay, so for sex, it's like he always needs to get that, even when I don't want to.

It's like he doesn't respect my body or like what I want or how comfortable I would feel. Okay, well, that's a big deal. So what, I mean, those are bold statements you're making. You know, he doesn't, you don't feel respected. You don't feel like he respects your body. So then the simple question is why, what are you confused about? Because to me, if I'm your friend, I'm just like, well, if that, you should feel that way. You should feel respected.

You certainly should feel like the person you're with. You should feel like every guy respects your body and you shouldn't you know but there then you have some confusion so what is what is stopping you from saying you know what i'm only going to be with someone who respects me makes me feel respected makes me feel like they respect my choices and my body and so therefore i'm going to remove myself from the situation what's stopping you from doing that um aside from like like our sexual relationship like everything is is is good we we go out normally we have dinner we have fun we have movie dates and and he does treat me well but like for sex and other stuff it's it's like he's like a whole different person

are you able to give us a little bit more detail um details like about like what i mean what's specifically yeah in terms of like so if i'm understanding you right on a day-to-day he's a nice enough guy you have fun you do things but in the bedroom when you're having or being physical or romantic you feel uncomfortable you i don't know you he's doing things that make you feel like he's not respecting whether the fact that you're in the mood or you know like i guess you know what i'm saying like how how can you be more specific because the implication is could be like a really extreme not okay thing you know i'm just trying to gauge like what do you what do you mean by not respecting you in the bedroom so we we were we were having

like a discussion i i don't remember about what and we went out and i was like trying to talk to him to like figure out how we could fix it what we could do and he was just being quiet and he just said no we'll just stay in the car and and I didn't try to push it any further so we just we just sat in the car and that's when he just like started like coming at me instead of like trying to talk to me like I wanted to got it so like in your email you basically were saying like you kind of have this toxic relationship like back and forth where like he's got trust issues from like a previous relationship and then like that kind of like

goes over into your relationship and then you kind of like he he you kind of go back and forth with how he treats you he decides when it's like kind of okay to be nice to you and when he doesn't and then when he wants to be nice he gives you all these compliments about your body because that's like he wants sex and that's what he wants to do and then like you're like no i want to fix the issue i don't want to have sex to fix the issue is that kind of it yes yes and i've like i've tried to talk with him but but he kind of dismisses the conversation, and he just apologizes and says it won't happen again. But it's happened over and over?

Yes, a couple times. Okay, well, what do you think you should do? Probably end it. Okay. um probably end it okay i mean i listen i i only ask these questions right because it sounds like you care about the guy you know but something inside deep down almost it's like your gut is telling you that something's off and you feel like his behavior is not okay and you should get good at trusting your gut you know and if you're you know i guess are you looking for permission from like is it like are you asking for a guy's point of view in terms of like is this how guys are and and am i being do you do you have thoughts of you being like too hard on him or something?

Because everything you're saying to us seems like you have every right to feel the way you do. You should probably end the relationship. It all seems very clear. You know what I'm saying? But you are confused. So I'm trying to understand why you feel confused about it. Or is it just, you know, does that make sense yeah because the answer seems obvious do you know you can look amazing without spending a ton of money yes i do know that nicholas well some people forget that and movement is here to remind

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Promo code VIALL. It's also at Whole Foods, you promo code v-i-a-l-l it's also at whole foods i didn't you know because i shop at whole foods and i see it all the time oh really yeah amazing just so you know um i've asked like some of my male friends for like advice and and like they don't they don't have like any perspective on on any of that. So, so it's kind of hard. Yeah. Well, listen, I think there's a couple of things. I think it's, I know a lot of women, you know, women want to hear from men to get a guy's point of view because, you know, as a woman, there might be things about a guy that you don't understand. Women want to hear, you know, men want to hear from their girlfriends about a women's point of view, you know, especially when they're dating someone. But sometimes you just have to trust your gut, right? Sometimes you don't need

a male's perspective to know what you deserve, right? You don't need a male's perspective. If you feel disrespected, you know, no guys, you shouldn't reach out to men and get their point of view to convince you that you're you're not you know how you feel is how you feel you feel disrespected that's important you know to address your feelings right and then deal with it in your relationship you know you're not you know what i'm saying does that make sense like um yeah i think it's important i think it's important you know you're young you know at your to to listen to yourself you know about your how you feel about how how men treat you and and it's important to not seek out anyone's advice, especially like other men, to feel like you have to validate your own feelings. You know, like get good at trusting your gut. You know, it's your feelings.

It's how you feel. You should you when you address it with your boyfriend, address it with conviction. I don't know if you are or you're not, if you're kind of saying it like, well, I feel this way and I feel like you're doing something wrong, but how do you feel? Am I being too hard on you? Things like that. And it sounds like you've tried to talk to him.

You've given him an opportunity to respect how you feel and change his behavior based off of communicating with him, and he hasn't done that, right? How many chances does someone deserve? You know, he's dismissing you. He's not really actively listening. He tells you he will change, but to you, as you're saying, it feels like he's just saying that

to for you to get off his back or for him to get or whatever just to get what he wants and what he wants is either for you to shut up or for you to put out right that's not a boyfriend that's that's you know so all the other stuff doesn't matter you know a lot of people are fun to go to movies with right you know you it should be your your bare minimum should be feeling respected by your boyfriend you're you're you know and like listen and i don't know if this is a matter like when i was you know in my early relationship and we started having sex, it was like, you know, I'm the horny 20 year old and I felt like I was like, hey, can we, you know, hook up? And she was like, sometimes she would say yes and sometimes she would not say no. Sometimes I would be like, OK, fine.

You know, like, of course, like, did I want to like have sex more than she did? Sure. Right. Like, I don't know. You know what I'm saying? I don't know if it's that, but it sounds like it's deeper than that. It sounds like he's even in the bedroom making you feel like it's not okay for

you not to be in the mood. And it may be a situation where he's just a little bit more into having sex and you're just not as sexual and that's totally fine. But that also might just be a compatibility issue with you and him and okay so i think you just gotta trust your gut um and i think the biggest takeaway here is don't trust your gut and when your gut's telling you something don't always feel like you have to have other people validate it just so you know you're making the right decision especially when it comes to feeling respected by the person you're dating yeah um i've i've my gut like it's just like it's told me before to just try again what why

and for something because i i do still care about him and i feel like like maybe like it's it's's. Yeah, but how. Ending things would be too like hard. Hard because, well, there's a couple of things there, right? You can care about him and still respect yourself in a sense that you're not willing to be with someone that makes you feel disrespected. And you can still care about someone. You can care about someone.

You can care about a lot of people, right? But you caring for him as a human being doesn't give him permission to make you feel disrespected. Now, and then the other aspect of it might be too hard. Yeah, breakups are hard. And even though, because you care about them and you enjoy spending time with them and you enjoy having fun with them right so if you choose to leave this relationship you're going to feel lonely and you're going to feel sad and that will be hard right and in the short term that's going to suck but you're having

a choice between temporary sadness and loneliness and feeling respected long term and right now you're choosing feeling disrespected long term over some short-term discomfort of getting over a relationship because you care about someone right so i think you need to like focus on your long-term needs and you as a person because you'll you i'll guarantee you you'll find other guys who are who'll take you to movies who will be generally kind to you on a day-to-day basis, who will treat you and also make you feel respected, uh, in the bedroom. And, uh, yeah. So I would, I would focus on that and focus on your long-term happiness and needs and, and not given kind of your short-term fears. Okay. I didn't think about it like that. All right. Well, try to. I know it's hard.

But yeah, don't have any more patience. You've been patient enough with him. So at this point, he is taking advantage of your patience because, you know, sometimes you like hanging out with him. Okay. All right. Trust your gut. Well. I think you should definitely. Thank you.

Yeah. I think you should definitely leave this guy. Yeah. You have better instincts than you give yourself credit for. Thank you. All right. We'll take care. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? Good. I'm Sarah and I am 30 years old. Hi Sarah. How can I help? So I have a bit of an interesting situation. I've been dating a 43-year-old separated dad who I thought was divorced. I asked on the first date how long he'd been separated or divorced for,

and he said five years. And so he also tried reconciling with his ex back in 2019 and said that she screwed up again, which I'm assuming means she cheated a second time, but I'm not sure. And then in July, I met both of his two kids who I love dearly and things have really progressed in the sense that we hang out like a little family and been on lots of trips and things like that. So his actions are great, but he really struggles with communication. His friends and family. Like lying? I don't know. That's tough to say because it was the first date. So I don't know if maybe... So like on first dates if people get like it's a free pass to just lie it's true good point i just have a girlfriend who's divorced uh

who was like when she was separated and dating she kind of thought that she would have said that on the first date so they know it's done but is your okay i don't know i i know it's not great. I agree. So he struggles with communication though, as well. So he's quite awkward. And I've kind of brought up all the difficult conversations, like, are we exclusive? Are we boyfriend, girlfriend, that kind of thing. I've always kind of brought those up and tried to talk about his ex situation as well. But he was very kind of cold and changed the subject. So despite all of that, I'm definitely in love with him and his kids. And he hasn't said it yet. And I don't really want to be the one to say it kind of given his previous situation. So things are great when we're together and hanging

out. But I really struggle when we're away from each other because I don't really get that reassurance. And then also I always kind of go back to thinking about the fact that it's been separated for five years and hasn't filed. So he still hasn't filed. No, they haven't even, they have a separation agreement. But there's been no talk of actually divorcing from what I know. Okay. So how long have you been dating this guy for? So we started talking in April and met for the first time in May.

So over five months now. Okay. Yeah. So I guess my questions are just kind of what are your thoughts on dating someone who's separated, not divorced, and thoughts on kind of talking to someone closed off, and then just kind of the I love you part, like when people typically say it, does the guy usually say it, that kind of thing.

Yeah, I don't, no, I don't think the guy, I don't think as far as the I love you in general, regardless of your current situation, no. I mean, everyone has a preference i personally don't think it should be the job of the man i think it can be i think it's nice everyone likes to hear it first right um men and women are both scared about expressing themselves out of fear of rejection. So yeah, I don't think it's the job of either men or women to go first when it comes to that. I think it's great whoever does it

and there's always a risk. I think I'm always used to the guy saying it by now. Well, you should get over that because that's, I mean, think about how that sounds when you say it out loud. I'm used to this. This is what I want. And that's great and good for you.

Congratulations on men falling in love with you. But that doesn't mean how it's supposed to be. Right. Right. And don't let what you're used to come in to have it affect your current relationship. Because this relationship is obviously clearly different than all the other rest. don't let what you're used to come in to have it affect your current relationship, you know, because you're, this relationship is obviously clearly different than all the other rest. There's variables involved that are different.

It might sound cold, but your love for his kids are also irrelevant when it comes to this relationship, right? It's also potentially just like just a muddier situation that's great that you love them but your love for his kids has nothing to do with your love for him and make sure you're separating those two it's not like i get it's a package deal if you guys end up together but like it's not a package deal in terms of seeing if this relationship even has a good platform to start on.

And that's kind of the concern with this relationship is that we don't really know if there's an actual platform or a foundation for this relationship to really go anywhere. Because you're so far really confused and rightfully so about a lot of things in the relationship. Partly because you told a pretty big lie on your first date. How did you end up finding the truth? There's nothing more valuable in this world than information. Truly. Information about anything. You can do so much with information.

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If you want kids today, or maybe one day, you need the information to make decisions that's best for you. Modern Fertility right now is offering our listeners $20 off the test when you go to modernfertility.com slash V-I-A-L. That means your test will cost $139 instead of the hundreds or thousands it could cost at a doctor's office. $20 off your fertility test when you go to modernfertility.com slash V-I-A-L-L, modernfertility.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Actually, one of his friends was over and was talking about his path to divorce. He's almost completely divorced and kind of made a joke about being further along than my boyfriend in the process after a way shorter period of time. And that's how I found out.

How did you guys address that? So I said kind of right after his friend left, I was like, we need to talk about this. This bothers me. What was the reason behind? And he was like, it really stresses me out. It's practically the same thing. We have a separation agreement. I just haven't looked into it. There's a reason why. I don't know what that reason is.

Well, and I found out, obviously, they reconciled in 2019. He did bring that up and said, he's like, yeah, we're never going to get back together again and he's like it doesn't matter whether we're divorced or separated we could still get back together even if we were divorced but it's not going to happen and then it was just like a swift like i don't really want to talk about this again let's not let this affect us and he said i don't want to talk about this again yeah and we haven't spoken about it since. Well, that's never really a healthy thing when, when a big issue is, you know, dismissed

and you're basically told that you don't have any, you don't have the permission to talk about things that are bothering you. So that's not good. Yeah. It's tough because I'm like how much I understand, like some people don't want to talk about things that are bothering you so yeah that's not good yeah it's tough because i'm like how much i understand like some people don't want to talk about their previous marriages and stuff like that so i think i struggle with like what is normal in in this to be clear to be clear he doesn't want to talk about his current marriage true not his former marriage yes harsh you know so yeah um what do you love

about him uh we have a lot of fun together he's really funny i love how good of a dad he is his being a dad again nice nothing to do with you right now. I understand that maybe you want to have kids someday and you want to, you know, I get the attraction of finding someone who is a good father, but that doesn't mean they're a good partner. Yeah. I mean, I love every moment I spend with him. We have a lot of fun and he's funny and yeah, there's a lot of great things.

I'm very comfortable when we're together and hanging out, but I don't have the verbal reassurance. So you have fun with them, but you're very uncomfortable about having conversations about your relationship to give you clarity. Yeah, I mean, I was the one that asked if are we boyfriend, girlfriend, and the response was, I didn't think we had to talk about this. I thought it was obvious. So it's just, it's difficult. Yeah, I mean, also

even more difficult that he's married. Like, why? You have a right to ask. You have a right to point out that it's not the same. When he's like, oh, it's basically the same. No, no, no. It's not. Do you want to get married?

I'm a little bit indifferent to the marriage thing, and I don't think I can have kids. But I love kids. Okay. Okay. Well, all right. But you might want to get married. Yeah, I might. Well, you definitely can't with him until he's divorced. You know what I'm saying?

I just think you have the right to ask these questions and it's not good and not healthy and not okay for him to dismiss you having the right to ask those questions, right? him to dismiss you having the right to ask those questions, right? If he doesn't want to talk about his current marriage with his new girlfriend, then maybe he shouldn't have a girlfriend, you know? And I know that's not what you want to hear because you love him, but you know, I think you love things about him right now. I don't know if you love him. I mean, I don't want to, but there's just a lot of lot of it's not there's a lot of things that are there's a lot of red flags here there's a lot of a lot of baggage yeah and things that like it sounds like you think about and stress you out and you can't say that in the five months you've been dating this guy it's just been all you're it's still very early very much the

honeymoon phase and even now you can't say it's all been just great i mean wow it's great i have fun with him it's so easy to talk to him i feel like i can open up to him i feel like he accepts me and when i have when i am confused he listens to me and he validates me we talk through things no you don't none of that he just makes you laugh and you have some fun, which is nice, but it's like one thing in a relationship, especially early on, he's not going to magically become better at communicating. Yeah. And do you think as your relationship evolves, you think you're going to have more, you know, issues that come up that you're going to have more issues that come up that you're going to have to communicate and get work through or less?

Of course. I feel like there's going to be more. I just think that, yeah, I just wish, I feel like if I had a little bit more security, I would feel better about the situation. Yeah. And the only person to give you security in this situation would be him.

But I get it, yeah. All the security I get is from his friends and family and his kids, and it's not from him. They're all irrelevant, meaningless. I mean, how many, like, it's a long list of moms and dads and friends who wanted their sons and daughters and friends to date someone that they approved of, that that person was like, I don't know. I'm just, I'm not sure. You know, so that all feels nice and it validates you and it makes you feel special, but it doesn't mean shit as it relates to your relationship.

Early on, you definitely shouldn't feel like part of your validation comes from all these other people. It should only come from the person you're dating. That other stuff is nice, like to feel accepted. It's like, oh, and his family likes me. Great. Better than his family hating you. That's all nice, but it doesn't do anything. Like you're getting a false sense of security about this relationship via his friends and family, but you're not getting it from the

person you need to get it from, which is him, right? All these people are giving you a lot of ammunition to make a lot of excuses and to overlook the things that are bothering you on a daily basis and you're choosing to ignore it you know i do agree with that yeah you know you're you know you're saying a lot of things that like are are kind of meaningless in terms of the foundation of your relationship it's. I'm sure he has great kids and his family, you know. But in terms of you qualifying this relationship for yourself to see if it's something that's worth your time and investment and energy to move forward. As opposed to calling it what it is and then moving on from someone you, you know, really like and care about and have fun with. But is very limited in giving you things, a lot of things you absolutely need in a relationship. Right. And it's not going to get better. It's going to get worse, especially if you don't address it now and nip it in the bud and set the expectations from him. It's just like, listen, I don't like if you want to date me, I need to know that you are willing to do this, even if it's uncomfortable for you.

I don't think it's fair to me to ask, you know, I don't think it's fair to me to be asked to like dismiss the fact that you're married. And I understand there's a process here, but we're beyond the process. It doesn't take five years to get divorced. Why aren't you? It's not the same. You know, as long as I know there's a path there, but it sounds like the way you're describing, he's hanging on to something. It's like, yeah, we may never get back together, but I want to if she just wasn't such a cheater.

I don't know what they're, you know what I'm saying? No, I think that's my fear. And they obviously reconciled in 2019. Yeah, that's right. You trust your gut. There's things, I feel like you know all these answers, right? I feel like you know, you're just really afraid of the truth. And I'm sorry, because it sounds like all the other things on the peripheral are nice.

It's like, everyone wants to, like, if you're going to meet a guy with kids and married, you want him to be a great father and a loving dad. And you want to love his kids and you want to love his family. You want to love his friends. And that's all great. But the person you want to be in love with is doing a lot of things that you, and you're accepting a lot of things you shouldn't be accepting. You know, and I think you need to address it head on. I think you have to have a kind of. I think you have to have kind of a zero tolerance

for some of these things. And I don't think you should be made to feel bad or like you're doing something wrong or you're not being understanding of his needs. You're being way too understanding of his needs. And he's doing a good job of making you feel bad about it. You know? Yeah.

So a difficult conversation needs to be had. Yeah. And don't let him make you feel like you're being difficult or not understanding. And you should, you should take that as a song. You know, if he does make you feel that way that's a huge red flag

there's no excuse for it you know like it doesn't matter that he's married with kids or all those things like just difficult situations aren't an excuse for people to you know do shitty things you know difficult situations bring out people's true characters and you know sounds like he hasn't really shown that it's easy to be fun and funny you know for people who are fun and funny yeah but he needs to show up at difficult times to show up at difficult times. Yeah, I agree. And right now he's not.

And he's also a bit of a liar. And I know it's a tough, like a tough situation is not an excuse to lie. I fucking hate it when people say that. Well, I just didn't, I thought you'd be mad. I didn't know what to say. You know, it was the first date. These are all excuses of what essentially are lies. And I understand like some are forgivable and some aren't but at the end of the day it is a lie

and they're making an excuse for it like I'd rather have someone who is going to lie to me just own up to their mistake and apologize and recognize it but when you make excuses for lies and it's just like well you're just going to set up a reason why you're going to lie in the future when another difficult situation comes up when you when he doesn't know what to say next time his option between like doing the right thing and doing the easy thing he's going to choose the easy thing and lie yeah yeah i agree with you so sorry i'm really bursting your bubble here but no no it's okay that's why i called in you need uh yeah you need to You need to hold yourself a little bit more accountable and hold him a little bit more accountable.

And as I've always said, you need to be okay with getting answers you don't want to hear and stop using a bunch of other things that sound nice as a way to justify his shitty behavior. Yeah, I agree. All right. Well, best of luck thank you guys for your help

I appreciate it no problem great alright take care bye how's it going good how are you good what's your name

my name is Victoria and I am 22 years old hi Victoria how can I help okay so I'm gonna years old. Hi, Victoria. How can I help? Okay. So I'm going to try to give just the least amount of detail as possible because this could be a very intricate story. But feel free to ask me any questions, of course.

Well, try to be as detailed as possible. And if we need to shorten it down a little. Okay, I just don't want to ramble. So if I'm rambling. Be concise, but detailed. Okay it so basically at the moment i am in my ideal relationship i am with a man that honestly i never thought i would find um i was hoped to find. He is amazing. I highly respect him, love him, and have very few complaints about him. We have only been together for eight months at the moment, but because of the state of the world, it's been a very accelerated eight months. Because, I mean, I wouldn't normally have spent anywhere near as much time with anyone as I have with him.

normally have spent anywhere near as much time with anyone as I have with him. We moved in together to quarantine together for two months after only knowing each other for two months, which seems crazy. It probably was, but we did it anyway. And yeah, therefore I've gotten to know all of one another very well. And like I said, I have very few complaints, um, within this relationship. Um, the only thing that frustrates me is the fact that I still have very consistent recurring thoughts and emotions for my ex. Um, now my ex is someone that I was with for four years and I ended that relationship two years ago. Um, that was my first relationship.

And my first love first everything. So you already know, I went into that with no boundaries, and fell way too hard, to the point where, honestly, I really did feel like I was kind of losing myself in that relationship. And that combined with some really unhelpful circumstantial issues, I ended up making the decision to end the relationship and move on. And that seemed like it was very possible for me at the time. I was single for two years after that, I was single for two years after that, actively dating for one of those years, you know, kiss a lot of frogs. So I found my current man. And I really thought maybe two years ago that in this moment I would have been completely happy and, you know, satisfied. But for whatever reason, I'm still having these thoughts and um i should also mention that my ex has reached out to me and mentioned that he's having the same

like situation basically um he was in a relationship for about a year that ended last year for about a year that ended last year and i mean he still says it okay it it feels as though that never happened but to be clear you left this first relate you chose to leave your first love and your first relationship because and we don't have to maybe get we don't get into details but there were some toxic behavior regardless of whose fault it was that you just felt like it wasn't a healthy situation for you and well maybe you loved him there were some things that weren't okay with that relationship doesn't mean he was you know but no definitely i mean like i said it was our first relationship so we were our first trial making all of our first errors and yeah okay yeah that makes sense yeah and tell me about this new guy

uh what do you when you say he's your ideal guy that you didn't think you would find what do you mean be be specific so i would say i mean he is just extremely thoughtful cares about me so much and when I say cares about me I mean like literally will do anything to see me succeed and thrive and make sure that I'm in the best position um in order to be able to do that he's very detail oriented and like I mean he's the kind of dude who like goes to the store and comes back with something that I didn't even know I needed that he may have noticed and gives that to me. And he's like, yeah, let me know how it goes. I'm just like, OK, but it's like constant. It never ends.

And I mean, he's a very effective communicator as well. have had our issues, because we've identified some cultural disparities between us that have kind of been an obstacle for us. But every time it seems like it's getting overwhelming, it's time to talk about it. We're able to do that so well. He listens and gives me an opportunity to express myself. And he's extremely receptive and responsive. listens and gives me an opportunity to express myself.

And he's extremely receptive and responsive. So it's not just like a conversation that happens and then nothing comes from it. Like the issues that we have talked about, we have moved on from. So yeah. Listen, so the first guy, it is what it is. You know, it's a drug. He's a drug. He's your heroin, your cocaine, whatever you want to call it. You have an addiction towards him,

just like we all have an addiction towards our first love. It is what it is, right? It's irrelevant that he is trying to relate, him reaching out, him relating to you, totally irrelevant. And, you know, there's like a 99% chance that if you were to say get back together with your first boyfriend,

you guys would resort back into the toxic behavior you guys demonstrated with each other. No guarantees, but probably, right? You're just, it took me to get over my, to really get over my first girlfriend. My first girlfriend I dated for several years. We broke up, got back together, broke up, got back together. Then I broke up with her, dated someone else for a year and a half, got engaged to that person.

Then we broke up. And it wasn't until that second relationship ended that I really felt like I was free of any feelings towards the first girlfriend. And what I mean by that is, while I was dating the second girlfriend, the serious girlfriend, what i mean by that is while i was dating the second girlfriend the serious girlfriend i loved her she was great i was happy and you know there was a bad relationship at the end but man that first growth would pop in my head a lot from time

to time i'd go back and look at old pictures it just i was addicted you know i just i couldn't i just didn't know how to i just it would just pop in my head and that's just, you know, I just, I couldn't, I just didn't know how to, I just, it would just pop in my head and that's just life. You know, I wouldn't beat yourself up too much about it. I think you just have to accept those thoughts that come in your head and let them go and not dwell on them and not give them too much thought and not think that there's so much meeting. You love the guy. And it was the first he was he was it was a special person and he will always be special for whatever reason because you know and that's fine and just accept that and is this going to pull on your heartstrings uh it makes it challenging

in this new relationship this new relationship like you said you're aware that well he checks a lot of boxes and that's all nice and those are great qualities it's it's he still might not be your guy because there's always that intangible quality which i think you're still trying to figure out if that's there because the attentiveness the caring you know the love language stuff that he's all you know seems to really it's all nice and this might be your guy but now then you have another additional element of you know seems to really it's all nice and this might be your guy but now then you have another additional element of you know that you guys moved probably faster than you should fine whatever you can do that does it just because you move faster not every situation is ideal sometimes

people move in quicker than they otherwise would because it's a long distance situation. And that's fine. You just deal with it. It's good to be aware of it. Sometimes you can just say, listen, this is our situation. Sometimes I think couples have to allow themselves to have anxiety with one another in a situation they're in without acting like it's a bad thing or it's going to, oh, wait, are you okay i haven't you know like you can be in a relationship and have anxiety about something and it not be the end of the world doesn't mean you're not in love it doesn't mean things are bad just means like you're just kind of processing the situation and maybe this anxiety is coming from being like wow

we're just really fucking fast and who knows it might not just because you move fast it may or may not work out, you know? And there's a fear, right? There's a fear of, well, now I live with him and now I've made, like maybe I moved. Maybe I took all these risks to be in this relationship. And just because you do all those things, it doesn't increase the chances that it's going to work out. Actually, quite frankly, it might increase the chances that it might end because you move so fast. But life happens and you'll figure it out, right? If you break up with this new guy, he'll move out. It'll be slightly inconvenient for a while because it's like, where do I go? And we decided to break up. But to answer your initial question, I think you just have to allow yourself to have these occasional thoughts and feelings.

Try to separate the two. Your thoughts about your first boyfriend don't mean anything about your current relationship. It doesn't mean that you might not be in love with the new guy, right? I can safely say that there's a good chance that whoever your next boyfriend was, was going to be at a disadvantage because of this. He's the, he was the first guy since your first love. And that's just like a, a bummer situation for the next person. You have to give yourself some time. And so even though you guys rushed things, pandemic or whatever, the reason why doesn't mean that your heart was ready to totally let go.

You know, your choices to rush your relationship doesn't speed up how your heart deals with things and that you just have to give time. And it might feel like, well, well, we live together. So my heart should be where my, you know, at the same pace as the decisions I make for it. It doesn't work that way, but it doesn't mean you guys aren the decisions I make for it. It doesn't work that way. Right. But it doesn't mean you guys aren't going to end up together. It just will just, you'll just have to see.

Yeah. You know, and eventually you'll come to this determination. I don't know when that is of, of realizing that maybe it was the thoughts about the first boyfriend, the first love that were like making you doubt your feelings for this new guy because he's not cocaine and he never is going to be the same type. It's not gonna be the same fix, but you'll or you will find that maybe the new guy is just different. And that's what you love so much about him.

And you're giving him so much points for just like giving a shit because the first guy didn't, you have to figure that out. You don't know yet. Right. Right. You know, so, um,

to, to be determined for you, you know, and like, you'll figure it out. You're 22. Doesn't mean anything like you moved in. So what?

And I don't mean to dismiss it, but like you didn't sign a contract. Maybe you signed a lease but leases can be broken you can break up no i so i should definitely mention we're not living together anymore okay so that's not even an issue it was literally just temporary because it was either quarantine separately and never see one another or quarantine together and do that um so we chose that but we're not living together anymore. I've moved back into my house

and he's living somewhere else. But so that's not even an issue, but I just wanna say like what you've just described, like your advice to me is exactly what I have told myself coming out of my last relationship I was like okay I loved this person I will probably always have some sort of like emotional connection to this person because we were very emotionally connected and I was like I just have to accept that and move on with my life the way that I said I was going to when I decided to end that relationship. And my issue now

is the fact that I'm in this place where I already decided I was going to accept that I'm just going to think about this person, it's just going to happen, but it doesn't mean that I'm supposed to be with them. And I'm still in this place where now I have this amazing man. And I almost don't even feel like I'm being completely honest with him and showing him my full true self. Because I'm still having like a lot of thoughts and feelings about my ex. How old's the new guy? How old is he? Yeah. He is 23 is 23 okay so pretty young

are you able to have these types of conversations with him i yeah absolutely i haven't told him anything about this though okay well that's maybe you should you know i'm just gonna say everything you're saying and everything Nick is saying is also bringing so true to my life right now. I literally ran into the it randomly ran into projecting and projecting. I literally ran into the person that like you're describing recently. And Nick was like, it's not a sign. It's not. It's not a sign.

It's just it is what it is. And then I was projecting the same kind of thing onto the new situation. And see, if we get into that, it's like, I didn't talk to my ex for a year. And then one day I just decided to sit down and delete all of the photos and videos off of all of my devices after a year. And I put that off for so long because it took me six hours. Did that. And that night he texts me it's not telling me

that something told him that he needed to reach out to me it's not a sign so fine not a sign cool then i meet my current boyfriend in february and at the after conversation, we were on good terms, right? Like we were okay. We weren't not speaking to each other, but we had no animosity. It was cool. He shows up at my house the following month. Listen, yeah. The old guy. The old guy. Yeah.'s you're just you're still addicted to the old guy you know it's your it's the equivalent of having addiction towards some drug and you've you've recognized the problem you removed yourself from it you got sober so to speak but you're like you know you're not through the woods you still have your momentary relapses and he shows book it back up your door i mean if

someone was like addicted to cocaine and they recognize it and got over it and they open the door and there's a bag of cocaine sitting at the door i'd pretty bird i would fuck them up you know and so that's fucking you up and that's you know you just doesn't mean anything it's we all are addicted to at a certain level to our first love I think you just have to accept that and then work through it and then be patient with yourself and your heart. And you're going to relapse sometimes, and a relapse might just mean that you spend 48 hours obsessing over your first love and just missing them

and missing that feeling of whatever it is that made you feel. But that's just that addiction towards that person and i mean it's just such a i mean i don't know much about addiction so but you hear about how like that first hit of heroin that dopamine that hits your body it's just you never can replicate it and man when the first time you feel love it's like there it is that rush of those things those feelings and it's just it's just fucking life you know and so you're just going to have these moments they'll be fewer and far between as life goes on and then now you're you're dealing with it while you've found a nice

guy and a special guy and maybe the guy who knows but you have you're you're going to figure that out too don't rush yourself what he's the new guys you've now discovered is not going to help you get over the old guy those are two separate situations and sometimes we make the mistake of like and a lot of people will be like well you know the only way you really get over someone is find someone new i mean kind of it helps in the short term but it never really gets you really over it, like totally clean, totally purified of those feelings that you're feeling. And that's just going to come with time and you have to be patient with yourself. I guess my point of the saying is, sounds like you have a good guy right now, but he's not perfect because no one is. And he still might not be your guy.

And he still has some maturing to do and it's up to you to decide whether you want to do it with him or maybe maybe be a free agent for a while you know yeah there's no wrong choice here i guess is what i'm trying to say for you you have the you have the options you know so you wouldn't say re-exploring things with my ex is a wrong choice well touche but um i mean you know if uh because that's kind of where my heart is leading me in that i feel like i almost cannot move on to a relationship. Like no remorse. Just put it this way. Knowing that that is in the past.

Right or wrong. I don't know. I'm not here to say a hundred percent, but just know that don't be naive enough to think that if you were to decide to go back to your ex, all the things that you decided to leave that relationship, there aren't, there aren't gone.

They're going to come back and you're going to have to deal with those things. And unless there's been some real personal growth and acknowledgement, maybe on both sides of the aisle, you're just going to go back to normal. And by normal is you're going to go back to that behavior. So what's most likely happening is you just miss a lot about him, someone you love, someone who is your drug, but you'd be kind of giving into that weakness because of those feelings. And just because you have those feelings isn't a justification. You can love somebody and care about someone and just miss them. And it doesn't mean you need to get back together. You left them for a reason and those reasons haven't changed. So I'm not here to say what you should or shouldn't do. just don't be naive and thinking those are going to magically disappear. Anything, is there anything about what, do you have any inclination that there's some been real growth

for you that things would be different other than he misses you and he says he's sorry or whatever because he doesn't have you? You have no idea how he's going to be when he has you back. Yeah. I, I haven't spoken to him enough to know if there's been any real growth there the only reason i'm even considering going back there is because a lot of like the reason that led up to my deciding to end that relationship was circumstantial okay Okay. It was a long distance relationship. It was really stressful, all these other things. And built up with the emotions, it just blew up. And obviously that's changed.

My circumstances have changed. My gut tells me it's not as circumstantial as you think. And there's still like, but who, you know, I wasn't there. It's both. It's both. it's definitely both with all that being said it sounds like if you're even if the fact that you're really considering going back whether you do or not i think you're getting to that point with this current guy is that maybe if you want my advice with all the information you're giving me is like you probably should end it with the current guy. Take some time for yourself and not make any rustic decisions.

I wouldn't break up with the current guy and get back to start talking to the old guy. I think you need to maybe take a beat. Yeah. Take a breath, be alone, be independent, you know,

I think you're right. Um, and you know, the new guy will be fine. He's going to be sad. Yeah. It's not your, also like definitely don't stay with him because you feel bad. He'll be fine.

No. You have the right to move on. It's okay. Like all the things he did attentively and all the nice things, he doesn't own you because of that? Yeah. Doesn't own your feelings? Well, I did this for you all the nice things. Doesn't he doesn't own you because of that. Yeah. Doesn't own your feelings. Well,

I did this for you and I love you. Okay. Thanks. I don't love you back. I don't know if that's, you know, but you have the right. So you're young,

be free, go forth into the world and just don't give in to boredom and loneliness and, and just be mindful of your former addiction. I got you. Thank you. All right. Best of luck. How's it going?

I'm good. I'm Kathy. I'm 22 years old. Hi, Kathy. How can I help? So basically, my freshman year of college, my guy best friend from high school told me he liked me one night after we were both drinking um at this point we're both at different colleges so it was like not really apprehensive to that because we're so far away it was my freshman year like I wanted to have

fun like most college kids do but um that summer we decided to like give it a shot because we were both home. But it didn't really work very well. Whenever we would drink, we'd get in huge fights. Because drinking, obviously, he would get super jealous if I was talking to our best friends. Same for me. We both didn't know what we wanted. But obviously, getting drunk and being together wasn't helping um so like obviously nothing came of it uh and it kind of made our friendship like fizzle a bit like um we tried to be friends again but it was kind of hard just was like honestly I don't think I was mature enough to be friends like at that time in my life but um so it's been probably like a year

probably no like probably since like November since we've talked like we like ran into each other at like a like a I think it was like Thanksgiving Eve whatever it was um so we haven't really talked that much but when I was at school I never really like thought about it because I was at school. I was having fun. I was with my friends, like all that type of stuff. Um, but now we're both home and I'm like thinking about it a little more. Like, it's honestly probably because I'm home, I'm bored, I'm lonely and like, he's here. And I definitely, um, when I'm looking for for people like my friends, like I tend to like people when I'm friends with them first, like I need to get to know them and all that type of stuff.

But basically, I just don't know if I should like reach out, like even just be friends or something, because I do miss him and like miss him in my life because we were best friends at a point. or something because I do miss him and like miss him in my life because we were best friends at a point but I don't know if like he hates me honestly because it was kind of crazy like there was jealousy on both ends so I don't know yeah well I mean the friendship that you had is over and well yeah it's not over it's dead it'll never happen again not in the form that you had it you know what i'm saying like yeah sometimes once a seal is broken it can never be put back the way it was and that's fine right because yeah those feelings that were expressed were always kind of there right yeah and then you tried it and as a romantic couple you guys found that it wasn't a good situation either so really hard to go back and that and even though you guys

recognize that maybe it wasn't a great situation it didn't take away that there's still feelings there maybe his end or your end so you guys ended it now you're back in this situation. And like, again, when, when relationships ends, it doesn't mean feelings end. Right. So the fact that you have these feelings and he might have these feelings are normal. It doesn't necessarily mean you should be together. So if you're asking like, what do you think you should do? Like, Hey, listen, it sounds like maybe you think there was some immaturity on both sides and your hope is deep down that maybe there's been some growth on both sides. And who knows? Maybe you're ready.

Yeah. How long ago was this? A year or so? The whole situation was like two years ago. Okay. But like we haven't talked probably in like seven months-ish. Do you have any reason to think that he misses you? Not any like hardcore evidence evidence I don't know just like girl like being yeah I mean

listen I go for it shoot your shot I don't know yeah I'm saying like if if I'm hearing you right it sounds like you gave it a shot but you got it's not like you dated for a couple years and you exhausted all the things you broke up and now you're like should i get back together with the person that i've already tried all the options with and still couldn't make it work but now i'm bored enough to just try it again that's not what this is right no you know you tried it a little bit you guys quit before it really started because it seemed toxic and now you're wondering if there's been some growth on both sides so i don't't know. Find out.

Reach out. Maybe he does hate you. Maybe he doesn't. Maybe he misses you. I don't have any of these answers. And the only way you're going to get it is from him. Right. And what do you have to lose?

You know, short term embarrassment, the feeling of rejection. Those all suck. I get it. But like, at least you'll get your answer and then you can move on. Regardless of whatever, even if you get the answer you don't want to hear it'll let you move on because part of the reason you feel the way you do is because you don't have a lot of answers you're like wondering about it and then you're just like you're romanticizing about the unknown well man i do like them and i miss them yeah and you don't know and then like there's this part of you that's like you know he might feel the same way i do and maybe we are both mature and if we are then wow we could be happy

and then you're thinking about that right and it might be true i don't know but if all of a sudden you talk to him and you're just like wow you're just like you're not what i remember you're kind of a dick and uh you suck and uh i'm good great i can stop thinking about this now yeah so go for it just yeah just give it a shot reach out because it it is really just like the embarrassment because we were in the same friend group and like the friend group kind of fizzled so it's like people on his side of the friend group like i don't know would they like i don't know when you do reach out i wouldn't play games i wouldn't like feel it out i wouldn't pretend to be the cool chick or like be like, hey, I would just reach out and be like, I've been thinking about you.

Here's what's been on my mind. Yeah. Do you feel the same way or not? And let this be, I don't, I just, but I do care about you. Now, step two, if you get the answer you want, is also, do you, I felt like this is why we didn't work out. I was jealous, you were jealous. And if that's how it's going to be, it's not going to work out.

But like, work to talk through those things. If he doesn't recognize his own jealousy. Yeah, then it's a no-go. Then it hasn't changed, you know you know like most of the time like 21 year olds who are jealous aren't are still jealous at 23 you know yeah and they're still jealous at 40 sometimes people are just like inherently jealous i don't know yeah sometimes people mature sometimes people recognize me like you know what that was kind of silly of me and yeah and which i definitely think i've grown from it. Cause I can recognize my

immaturity at the time. Like it was ridiculous. And like I said, like jealousy always comes from an insecurity and that insecurity. And I've said this before, either comes from like something he's doing to make you feel insecure or some insecurities that you just have that you have to deal with. So he, you both need to figure that out. What are you guys insecure about as your own individual things that you guys can control? And what do you guys, what did you guys need to figure that out. What are you guys insecure about as your own individual things that you guys can control? And what do you guys, what did you guys do to one another to make the other person feel insecure and then therefore jealous? So it's like,

see if he's willing to have a mature conversation and, and, and put in the work for someone he like ultimately cares about or doesn't. I don't know. Yeah. That makes sense. Just like a conversation that I can have. Yeah. You know, and don't say shit like i missed our friendship so i want to reach out that's a lie sure yeah like you yeah

you want to be with them and therefore you'll be best friends kind of thing but i miss you i'm wondering if if you do and is there a world where we can work on the problems that we had and see if there's something to work on? And maybe not. Just be like super confident and mature about it. And then consider the possibility before you do that he might not feel the same way and just be like, you know what? That's okay because I just want answers. And then that will give you the confidence to be more direct. And then that will be more attractive for him.

Yeah, that makes sense. Cool. All right. Well, Godspeed. Thanks. Let us know how it goes. Yes, I will. All right.

Thanks. All right. We'll take care. You too. All right. Bye-bye. Bye. Well, thanks for listening everyone i hope you enjoyed these uh colors colors um always always fun i don't know what do you want me to say i don't know i i hate it when

i feel like you're talking directly to me when you're not talking to me during these calls it messes me up um yeah we we we tapped into the more relatable calls these days the the relationship i felt like i said trust your gut a lot today you did say trust your gut a lot today trust your gut take away i mean and then when i say your gut the it's when it first shows up after a while when you start manipulating what you said your gut wants and you start convincing yourself so what you what you want as opposed to what your gut's like hey i told you the first time i think that's the gut you have to try to trust but easier said than done uh that's why you call and I remind you. But thank you guys, obviously,

for sending in your questions. Always remember to do so. Ask Nick at castme.com. Cast with a K. We appreciate it. You can be anonymous. Spoiler alert. Half the names of the people who call in,

it's not their actual name. And that's fine. We want you to feel safe, but also be super fucking entertaining to our audience. So we appreciate it. I think the people's choice voting is still open. I appreciate it. Obviously, you guys. Is it worse?

I'm like pandering for votes. Is it normal? I feel bad. Go out and vote. Make sure you register to vote for the upcoming election. Way more important, obviously. Tune in next time Tomorrow, tonight, I don't know Bachelor recap

Episode dos It's gonna be wild