The Viall Files - E189 Ask Nick - You Deserve To Be The Priority In Your Own Relationship

Episode Date: October 26, 2020

On this weeks episode of Ask Nick we start with someone who is interested in dating a friend but is intimidated by all the information she knows from his previous partners. Is this a long term friend or someone she is willing to risk dating to lose. We then speak to a woman who feels like her boyfriend would leave her for his female best friend, if she gave him the chance to date her. Next someone escaped a toxic relationship she was in with a co-worker, only for her to find a new job and now her ex is being hired as her new boss. Finally we speak with a grad student who is studying abroad and because of Covid has not been able to see her boyfriend in months and doesn’t seem like anytime in the near future. How can she overcome the loneliness being so far away knowing this is not sustainable.  “ What do you mean you made a commitment, like you guys had a ceremony? ” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Stitch Fix: http://www.stitchfix.com/viall for 25% off when you keep everything in your fix  Ritual: http://www.ritual.com/viall for 10% off during your first 3 months  Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what is going on everybody thank you for tuning in to another episode of the vile files ask nick episode i'm your host nick i always like trying to do intros differently let me know if one sticks I'm glad the high didn't stick I made me so nervous I know I've already said that but you did I don't care this is my opinion and

producer Chrissy I do appreciate you Chrissy i know you do i don't think you guys know i mean chrissy does as a producer she does some great things for this show she works very very hard thank you thank you uh welcome to another episode of uh ask nick episode of the, what does that make any sense? We got some great callers today. Um, so I'll let you guys listen. Yeah.

Don't forget to subscribe. If you're listening for the first time, subscribe. We'll, uh, we're bringing you great things. Don't forget to write us five stars. We could, I always,

I just want you to know that the ask Nick listeners, you're our lifeblood i feel like you're the important people they are the important people so why don't you go ahead and just give us five stars yeah um that'd be nice anything else we have a fun recap bachelor recap uh coming tomorrow uh An amazing episode with... Ryan Hedden. Ryan Hedden. Life coach, hypnotist,

talking about the value of having a healthy relationship with ourself, something that we often dismiss or overlook. So many of you who are wondering why you love so hard and don't feel like you're loved back, it's probably because your relationship with yourself is not where it needs to be so that you can properly love someone or have them love you the way you want to be loved.

So, check that out. It's awesome. You guys had a really good conversation. We did. It was really cool. If there's nothing else, let's just get to our callers. Let's just get to our callers. How's it going? Hi, good. How are you? I'm Barbara, 31 years old.

Hi, Barbara. How can I help? So I just was interested to see your take on this um i i have my own opinions about it um but i'll give you some background i have a platonic male friendship with someone who i met about a little under two years ago and in that two years i met him because two years ago. And in that two years, I met him because my neighbor was very casually dating him. And, and he and I when when we met through her really hit it off as friends very quickly. He quickly became a part of my family and my daily life. We, my, my mom calls him her son, he comes to our Thanksgiving and our Christmas and whatnot. Throughout his casual relationship with my neighbor, there was a lot of drama that went on there because he wanted to date her more seriously. And she didn't really want that from him. So they ended up having a really just a sexual relationship. Then that kind of ended during quarantine when she was

just kind of afraid that he would want to be at her house all the time throughout quarantine. So she broke things off with him and he started dating another one of our mutual friends and obviously had a sexual relationship with her and everything. It's a small town that we live in. So I also happen to know another one of his exes. And I knew her before I knew him. So already, I know three of his exes and have heard about his sexual life and his love life with them. You know, not super detailed stuff, but enough to kind of, you know, it's there. I know, I know his, you know, his habits and his, um, and his preferences, things like that. Um, he, uh, he recently broke up with his most current.

Uh, well the feedback is all very good stuff. Um, he's got a good reputation. Um, he also tells me himself about his sex life and things like that because we are very close and open with one another so is that he has a good mic what's that say that again he has a good dick mic i guess so is that what it's called i don't know what a dick mic is let me tell you about my dick and how I use it oh got it anyways go ahead so

he recently broke up with his most current girlfriend and I'm getting very strong vibes and signals from him at this point that he is interested in me as more than a friend and there's a lot of people have sex with and small town. Yeah. I mean, you're lovely. I don't think it, you know, thank you.

There's a small pool and I get that. Um, I've never dated within my town, uh, probably because of this reason, because there's a lot of, you know, reuse and recycling going on there. Um, There's a lot of, you know, reuse and recycling going on there. So anyway, I'm getting the signals. I'm pretty much just doing a really good job of ignoring them and shooting them down. And, you know, part of me is like, I don't really know what I'm thinking. Am I not thinking accurately here? Because there's a lot of reasons why he and i would be really good together um and i can't ignore that necessarily however there's this glaring thing in my mind

that i don't know that i would be able to get over the fact that i know his past lovers and um it wouldn't be something that i'm experiencing with him for the first time without any preconceived notions if that makes sense so if he and i were to yeah do you want to date him yeah i don't know um that's something i'm still trying to figure out but minus all like the things that you can list of why you might not want to you know like you're like oh this is my friend have you just been waiting for him to like you oh no i actually ended up um you know it wasn't something that i ever thought was an option for us to date uh because he was pretty like invested in this other girl when we met um but he and i

when you say that when you say that you're implying that the reason why you didn't go there is because he wasn't available. But you would if he was. Yeah. Yeah. And actually, that's a huge reason why I've never let myself go there is because he has always been in some way unavailable. So whether it's he's still thinking about this other girl or he's physically with another one. So he never was really just a friend. He was always a guy that you would have been available. You would have been into if he was available. Yeah, I guess you're right. So, um, so when I first met him, I did have thoughts of, yeah, I would date him for sure. If he was not emotionally unavailable because he's hung up on

another girl. And your question is like, can you get over it or what? My question is, should I just give in and date him and get over myself and my kind of worries? What are your worries? I don't like the word phrase give in. Give in implies that if you want to date him then you should choose to date him not submit to dating him it's a subtlety but i think that mindset um will serve you in the long run that being said what are your fears

so um the two fears i have are the physical aspects. So I know I get along with him well, personality and connection wise and all that stuff. The physical, I don't know that I could get past the idea that I know, you know, his past relationships. That's not really a fear as much as it is like a hurdle, a mental hurdle for you. Like a fear would be, I mean, I guess it's a fear of just like, I'll freak out. But like you're aware of this, like you know what he did. It's an insecurity of mine, to be honest.

Yeah, yeah, I get that. But I mean, I don't know, a fear, sure. So can I get over that insecurity? I think it would take a long time. I think it would be difficult. I think it would be a huge challenge.'s what are you insecure what makes you feel insecure that he did or are you intimidated by some of his other partners yeah definitely intimidated by his other partners i'm i don't like the fact that um that i know too much already

about his sex life and that and that wouldn't be something that I get to explore with him. That'd be something I just already know about, which is weird to me. Yeah. I mean that again, I don't, I'm not telling you how to see sex and, you know, if you're more conservative about sex or not, you know, that's for you to decide. Personally, I find that some of those things are just kind of self-limiting beliefs. You can choose to get over anything if you really want to. Yeah.

You can let something bother you. Should I just choose? Well, that's up to you. I'm not telling you what you should do. I think it's possible for anyone if they want to. So, Nick, the bigger problem here problem here though aside from the sex i know that's a big issue like i would be really really self-conscious and nervous about all that but the bigger issue is he has just not spent very much time alone and by himself and um he's kind of

jumped from relationship to relationship the entire time i've known him, which has put him in this sort of unavailable state. I get what you're saying. That was kind of my question. So here that he's emotionally unavailable, you know? Sure. I mean, I don't know. So you don't he when you say like, you think he's available to you? He hasn't come to you and said, I want to be with you? available to you. He hasn't come to you and said, I want to be with you. No. So, um, so he's really just making subtle remarks and kind of hints and, um, I'm just very awkwardly kind of pushing them to the side. It's a little bit immature. Yeah, exactly. Right. So here's what you should do it's real simple right don't do anything right now don't play the game your friends kind of not really but act as if you are friends

don't acknowledge don't respond to subtle indirect passive-aggressive attempts at getting you to notice his attempts at liking him, you know, your friends, right? Wait for him to actually just say it? Yeah, if he wants to go and take a risk on a limb and as an adult communicate to his friend that, you know what, friend, turns out I want more of this friendship and I want to be in a romantic relationship, make him make that gesture.

Okay. Right? So that's step one. If he does do that, then your very first question will be, why? Why now? Why not before?

What was stopping you before? Like, you know, listen to his answers too. He'll have an answer. Now, is his answer something he comes up with on the fly that kind of sounds like he's making it up something he comes up with on the fly that kind of sounds like he's making it up as he goes? Something along the lines of like, well, I didn't

really realize and I was going through this shit or whatever. I don't know what the right answer is, but what it should in your heart and in your gut, it should feel authentic. And sometimes the most authentic and honest answer might be something that like stings you. I don't know. Maybe it's, I don't know what his answer could be but you're afraid that you're like yeah you're afraid you know it's like you you know your gut's telling you that you're just the next person on the block he's run out of people to date in his community and it's like why not you know i don't want to be alone you feel like you're you're a choice between being alone and having somebody that's what your gut's telling you that is my fear you got it okay all right well your gut's

probably right yeah your gut's probably right uh you know this guy you've seen a pattern and now you're you've also liked him so now you're trying to convince your gut that it's wrong, and it's probably not. In the meantime, now you're still reaching. He hasn't even told you he likes him. He likes you. So, like, let him do that, and let him really see. And if you're strong enough, maybe just tell him how you feel. Now, don't expect him to go, you're right, I should.

Don't expect him to go, you're right, I should. Yeah. I mean, it's going to take a, I think in this case, not that you want to play games, but you should, until your gut feels differently, I don't think you should date him. You know? Okay. If something in your gut says, this doesn't feel right, I feel like,

and that might be real or not, but your gut should be like, I feel secure about this. I really feel like he really is going out of his way and he's really shown me. Even after disappointment, even after some subtle rejection of like, I don't know if you are ready. I feel like I'm next. And he doesn't just move on.

Or like, if he really wants to be with you, he should put in the time and investment to show you that he does. Maybe that's after he takes some time for himself. Stitch Fix with Stitch Fix, a personal styling company that brings you the world of fashion and style. It is a completely different and fun way

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your first three months. Visit ritual.com slash V-I-A-L to start your ritual today. Yeah. I was also kind of thinking, you know, and I don't want to, I don't want to like, you know, ever do anything that would really be, you know, sort of playing a game or having him have to prove himself to me, which like he, you know, at this point I'm just kind of like, you are my friend and you will be my lifelong friend. Nothing you can do is going to push you out of my life. Wait, wait, he, you know, at this point, I'm just kind of like, you are my friend and you will be my lifelong friend.

Nothing you can do is going to push you out of my life. Wait, wait, wait. Say that again? At this point, I've, you know, been pretty honest with him about the fact that, like, he is my friend. Well, yeah, but that's not true. You're telling him a lie. Oh, boy. I don't agree with that.

That sounds great but no well if he's not your guy your guy whoever he might be down the road i guarantee you like the fact that this is this has never been a friend this is some guy as you just admitted someone that you've accepted as a friend because he wasn't available he was too busy fucking your neighbors and you're like all right fine i'll be your friend and you may have developed a friendship You've accepted as a friend because he wasn't available. He was too busy fucking your neighbors. And you're like, all right, fine. I'll be your friend. And you may have developed a friendship and you may have hung out and you've been friends and fine. He got to know your mom and great.

But like that, you say that now because there's no other person in the picture. So stop telling him things that like, why? Why are you giving him this guarantee that's a not true and a false sense of security you're gonna meet some other guy if it's not him you're gonna fall in love with him and a you probably won't even want to be friends with this guy because like you just don't have the capacity uh you're too busy and if you do still want to be your friend of the guy chances are your husband after doing some digging is gonna be like why is this guy so important to having your life like again it will probably most likely naturally run its course like a cold okay so so you don't think

that you can have lifelong platonic friendships sure but that's not what this is this is a guy that you would have rather been fucking instead of his neighbor and you couldn't oh that's not necessarily true but it's also kind of true you just said it you said yeah moments ago dating him that's what i said so i would have been open to dating him. That's what I said. So I would have been open to dating him and exploring that. I don't know that I would have fully committed to him. But you're making excuses. I mean, I'm just simply saying, yes, is it possible? Yes. Anything in this world is possible, however unlikely. And what I'm saying is the chances are that if you meet and fall in love with another guy that's not this guy, you most likely will just get over it. It will just

run its course. You'll fade away as friendships sometimes do. I also, more importantly, stop just saying these things to him. Like, I'll always be your friend. People should just stop saying that to each other in general because like sometimes things run its course. Relationships of all kinds come and go. You know, I'll always be your friend until, you know, just stop making empty promises that you can't tell the future, especially with someone right now that, you know, you don't even want a friendship with.

What you really want, and you've said this, and that's okay to admit, is you want a friendship with you what you really want and you've said this and that's okay to admit is you want him to pursue you and you want your gut to trust him that's your perfect scenario back up back up back up now i think you're misunderstanding me so um so i am 100 happy being his friend and i am happy committing to being his friend for life. The framework of that friendship may change. It may ebb and flow here and there. The idea of us spending a lot of time together may ebb and flow depending on who either of us are in relationships with. That being said, he is a lifelong dear friend of mine. And I know that because we have made that commitment to each other that we will always be there for each other in which capacity we don't always know but we will always be there as someone what do you mean you made a commitment like you guys had a ceremony no i'd say we just in in conversation we have

decided that we will always be there i understand that but i'm being hard on you but do you appreciate the potential immaturity of that conversation you guys had? I see what you're getting at. I just don't necessarily agree that it's like one day he may just pop out of my life forever. No, I've made a conscious decision to make him a part

of my life forever. And he's a part of my family forever. What you need to understand, Nick, is that he doesn't actually have a family of his own. So he has essentially in, I mean, maybe you can call it ceremonial during christmas last year he was essentially adopted into our family as a part of it and we have you know kind of now it's he will always be a we will always be there for him as a support system for him so no that's not something that i could just you know toss to the side here and there whenever I have a boyfriend. Well, then my advice to you is like, this all sounds great in theory, right? But you are human, he's human. And as you've kind of alluded to, there's potential

feelings and things like that. So my advice to you, if you have to decide what you value the most in this particular relationship, and if there's extraordinary circumstances where you guys have brought him into this family because he doesn't have one of his own and you want to, you value that and you do want to make sure that no matter what happens, you want to maintain that. Well, I can, like a romantic relationship with this guy does potentially risk that you know what i'm saying i agree so then you have a huge struggle there okay and then a potential relationship with someone else could risk that right so what i'm saying if if you really want to then value if what you're saying is what do i value the most in this moment and that is this promise we meant kept to each other of this friendship regardless of what he suggests that maybe he's then you you nip it in the bud now you're you

make sure it is platonic it will always be platonic so that in the future that none of that happens he could meet someone else you could meet someone else and that's what it always is but like right now you're you're flirting with danger by going into the gray and considering, you know, these possibilities, him liking you and what you do and trust in your gut. Like you're really trying to have your cake and eat it too. And I just don't think the world works that way.

And I think you just have to really hold yourself accountable to like what you really want and what you prioritize. And if you want to, if you want to risk the friendship, go for it, go nuts, shoot your shot. Who knows how it's going to work out? You guys could live happily ever after, have a loving family,

but it might not work out. And if it doesn't work out, then you have to be realistic about the promises you guys made to each other now and knowing that those promises might someday be broken. And if you're talking about a guy you meet in the future,

again, like everyone you bring into your life has a right to feel a certain way about your past relationships and you can decide how mature or mature they're not but like if you know let's say this is a situation where you two like never fully dated you didn't have a romantic relationship and this guy comes in and he senses like you know this guy is just like well i don't know you guys are super weird together i don't trust him around you it seems like he you guys feel like you have the sexual tension. I don't know. You know what I'm saying? People are intuitive. In that case, the new guy probably isn't right for me. I'm just going to say that. I wouldn't expect any guy that I'm dating to say,

I don't like your friendship over here, whether it's with a girl or a guy. So you're saying- I had those friendships before a boyfriend comes in. All right. I think you're being a, listen, I don't know. If I met a girl, and I'm not a jealous guy at all, and I met a girl, and I met her friends, and Eric, I want you to meet my friend Eric. And I got to know Eric, and it just felt like, I was like, cool. And then, but like six months in, something seemed off.

I was like, cool. And then, but like six months in something seemed off and I kind of started asking some questions and, and you, and she started talking like you're talking about like, well, you know, he kind of was pursuing me and, and we didn't. And I thought about wanting to date him and all these scenarios. And it just seemed clear to me that it wasn't just a platonic friendship, that there's a desire to have a romantic relationship, I would start feeling uncomfortable with like you guys like having dinner or, you know, like it wouldn't be just friends. You know what I'm saying? Like, and I don't think that would make me crazy or jealous to have those insecurities by like realizing that I don't feel like my girlfriend or wife and her male friend are being honest with themselves about the relationship, right? Because like if I'm dating someone, I need to know that they're being honest

with themselves about their situations they're putting themselves in so that I can trust them. It always bugs me when I date someone and they're like, and they're telling me their truth, but I'm like, you're not honest with yourself about what this is. You're like, you're lying to yourself. So like, therefore you're lying to me, even though you think you're telling me the truth. And I think you're struggling with this dynamic because right now you haven't really decided what you want this guy to be. Do you want him to be your partner romantically, or is he just going to be a friend? And that's human, that's fine, but you're struggling with that. And I think you need to just decide that. And that's fine. Whatever you decide, there's no wrong answer. If you need to just decide that and you really you know and and that's fine

whatever you decide there's no wrong answer if you want to go for it romantically i think it's unfair to this future person to say well then he's not going to be my person because like he has a right to you know i don't know it's just a little muddier than you want to believe it is yeah yeah i agree with you and i think like at the point where we did have a talk and decide that we want to pursue a relationship together, that's the point at which we would have to have a very serious talk about, okay, well, what does that mean for our future as friends then? Or as, you know, family members, you know, what would that look like if, you know, things don't really work out between us? So I think that's the point where we would have to reevaluate if it's a lifelong thing. Do we value our lifelong friendship over the potential romantic relationship or what?

At this point, you're right. I don't really know. I'm trying to sort out what I want, I guess, with him. But I do like the idea of kind of waiting and kind of making him just say it instead of having him hint and me taking that bait. I don't really. Yeah, I like the idea of him being direct, which I think eventually he would be. I think he's just trying to get a good grasp on where I'm at. Okay. I mean, listen, I think that you like this guy and that's okay. And you would, in your perfect world, he goes out of his way to pursue you and makes you feel secure in love so

that you can trust him and that you will get over knowing about a sexual past and you guys have this wonderful life together. That's your dream and that's okay. And that's great. And I'm rooting for your dream. I'm just saying that being realistic, if you pursue that dream, and that's totally fine, you might be sacrificing this promise you made to each other about no matter what, you guys will be friends. And I'm just being realistic that if it doesn't work out this way and you find a new dream man, most likely it'll just work itself out. But you're, you know, I don't make promises you can't keep. And I don't think you're ready to keep this promise because you're still interested in pursuing him romantically knowing it might not work out. Hmm. So yeah. Yeah, I, I think,

I think the the big issue here is that I was not undecided on this when he was still with somebody. Now that he's single, it's confusing for me. And like you said, yeah, that's because maybe that's always been in the back of my mind. You know, what options are there if he's single? However, I've never expected him to be available to me. I've never expected that that would be the case. And that's the honest truth. And I think you just need to start being more honest with yourself about the situation.

You're trying to convince yourself that everything's going to be okay. And you're trying to like talk yourself through it. And life's full of choices and some things work out and there's risks involved. And that's all I'm saying. And I just think it's silly when people say to each other, well, we know no matter what, this is never going to end and that's just not realistic. And then you start giving yourself false promises.

I think my advice still stands. Go for it. This is what you want. See if he does it and see if he can trust you. And then if not, you know, move on. And there's a good chance the relationship will work, you know, run its course. All right. All right.

Okay. Let me know in a year. I will. Okay. All right. Take care. All right. Bye-bye.

How's it going? I'm good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name is Betty. How old are you? I am 22 years old. I'm dating a guy that I've been dating for a year and we began our relationship really strong. We fell really, really hard for each other. We talk about marriage and kids and starting our lives together all the time. And I really do love this person. But the only issue that I have is his relationship with his best friend. His best friend's a girl and he warned me about her on our first date. And so did a lot of outside sources. He told me there was nothing to worry about and that he doesn't want

a relationship with her romantically. But as the year has gone by, I've kind of uncovered more about the story and that they've had sex with each other in the past and that he was pretty much in love with her. But they're really, really close and they still talk often. And I know that he cares for her. I just don't know if I should believe what he says when he says to trust him and that he's only wanting me or if I will get hurt in the end. How old is he? He's 24. I don't know.

Maybe. You might. I mean, I can't give you a guarantee, you know. Yeah. Just to recap, it sounds like he's lied to you yeah i think he um he kind of tried to cover up um some of the truth so that he wouldn't hurt my feelings that's called a lie i know it's hard to admit that the person we love lied to us and then we have a way of trying to justify by saying, he was protecting me.

Yeah. But that is called a lie. And while hard to admit to yourselves, you need to get better at that and stop making excuses, even if you love them. Yeah. And that's why, because that's why it becomes confusing to you. Because instead of just admitting to you what it is, a lie, and we can get over lies sometimes, you're confusing yourself because you won't admit to yourself that it's a lie and you make excuses for his lie and then start wondering why you feel the way you do,

which is insecure and afraid that you're eventually going to get hurt. Yeah. And so when you say he warned you about this girl off the bat. Yeah. And the warning was, what do you mean like a warning? Was it like, hey, heads up, I have this like girlfriend and I know like most people think that's weird, but you have nothing to worry about? Or was it like a warning like she's crazy? Are you friends with this girl?

like a warning like she's crazy are you friends with this girl um i've because i've tried my best to be really open to the idea of him having a really close female best friend as well it was it was my best friend that actually warned me about her and then he said something on our first date like um just a heads up i have a female best friend and you know, it's ruined a lot of relationships that we've had in the past. Okay. Yeah. Listen, um, and, and you've, you've tried to be friends with this girl or you haven't, you haven't, and you are friends or it just doesn't work. Yes. I, I, I am trying to be friends with her and I am friends with her. Yeah. But it just feels forced and unnatural. Like it's a means to an end. with her yeah but it just feels forced and unnatural like it's a means to an end i just feel like there is some feelings between them in your gut if there are feelings who do you think

wants who more um i think i i i try i try to believe what he says when he says he wants to only be with me. But you think he really wants to be with her and she just is unwilling to do that? I feel like at some point in the future, she's going to wake up and realize that she has this amazing guy that she just didn't realize she had and would want to be with him and then he would just choose her. Yeah, well, how long want to be with him and then he would just choose her yeah well um how long you been with him just over a year and this has been going on the whole time yeah so i think that's more than anything because i can't tell you what's going to happen right i think your feelings and fears are justified. Whether they're actually realized at any point, I don't know.

You know, he could be telling you the truth. He may not even know the truth, right? Yeah. And I think that's your fear. It's just like, yeah, he's telling me the truth, but he's assumed that she'll never come around or who knows, right? The big question is, like, what need does she fill as a friend you know as people can be friends with the opposite sex i have platonic girlfriends i've have i have platonic

girlfriends that i've had sex with and it just turned platonic so like i'm not i can't tell you that's not possible but it's never those even but those always kind of fade you know and it was always platonic but they just we date and then eventually like part of the reason it happens because like you know we we hooked up had sex and then realized okay we're not going to date and then we had some time apart but we still like liked each other as people and we had a good time it was like well if you're not doing anything let's just hang out but we're going to respect the boundaries and we're not going to go there because we recognize but we'll just be friends we're also like super fucking single at the time

so it was like well sure and even though when we start dating other people you're like oh i have this friend you have nothing to worry about and it's cool and they don't but eventually you just kind of lose touch and i'm still friends with these women but i don't hang out with them as much they're not my best friends you know what i'm saying they're not my ride or dies they're like people who like you know i'll be like be like, oh my God, how are you doing? And like, and maybe we'll catch up for coffee, but like it was, you catch up because like natural, you know, but this guy, he's, he's defiantly like making sure, you know, they're best friends. And yeah. What is she, what is he, what is she fulfilling in his life that

you can't fulfill, you know, or his his other friends and i think it's a fair question for someone who he has been romantic with you know um and the fact that you still feel this way for a year you know it hasn't gone away it wasn't just like if it's an insecurity that you're like oh man i'm just being crazy or whatever like you would it would kind of figure itself out you know you would become friends with her and be like you know what girl i used to be intimidated about that relationship but now i'm not or and you still are for some reason and i don't know what that reason is but i think it's something you shouldn't maybe ignore you're not crazy yeah i don't know how you should handle it i mean the easiest way

to handle it is to say to him listen this is how i feel i can't keep feeling this way i don't want to make you have to choose but i don't like how i feel and i'm not crazy and i don't want to be made to feel crazy because you have chosen to have this and the proof's in the pudding buddy you've already said to me this has affected a lot of your other romantic relationships well okay well that means you're like you're just one of many women in his life who have been like this is up i don't know why it's up but it's up and like you know and he's stubbornly choosing to like you know pick her over everyone else yeah and you should want to be with someone who picks you first and you feel like you will always be second to her.

Yeah, that's my biggest insecurity for sure. So, you know, I'm sorry. I feel like you should do something. I don't think you should keep doing what you're doing, hoping things will just change magically or you'll feel less insecure yeah like you're gonna have to shake it up you're gonna probably have to just face it and just say i just don't want to i don't you know if i had to guess what you probably should do it's just you just say listen this is how i feel and so i'm gonna leave and you kind of break up with them

you don't say and that's probably better than saying i And you kind of break up with him. You don't say, and that's probably better than saying, I need you to stop being friends with her because then you're making him choose. You should just decide to leave because you respect the friendship that he has with her. It just doesn't make you happy and you don't want to be the jealous girlfriend or possessive girlfriend

and you don't want to tell him who he should or shouldn't be friends with, but you just know that you don't want to be with someone where you constantly feel second or you feel insecure and just calmly let him know that and leave and then see if he makes choices that you can you know live with that's all you really can do but you have to kind of do you know don't do it in a gamey way. Do it sincere. And you will be sad because you don't want this,

right? You will be heartbroken and you're just going to have to get through it. But as you know, it's been a whole year. So nothing's going to magically change unless you do something about it. And clearly he is going to continue

to try to date women like yourself and have this other friend. And he's either too immature or too stupid to realize that he's hurting people he says he loves the most or he's just too stubborn to admit that maybe he just wants to be with her and he's projecting that on and you're sensing that and that's what's bothering you. That's exactly it.

Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, you just got to do something. My advice to you is do something. Yeah. Don't just hope that it changes. And as I've said in other episodes, you can still care about him. You can love him.

You can wish him the best. But he might need a kick in the pants to grow up a little bit yeah that's true all right yeah all right take care take care nick thank you so much my pleasure how's it going good how are you good what's your name my name? My name is Callie. Hi, Callie. How old are you? I'm 37. Great. How can I help? Well, I'll give you some of the backstory. It's kind of a long story. I started dating a coworker at my job several years ago, probably five years ago. He turned out to be a narcissist, emotionally abusive, liar, manipulator, gaslighter. He just ticked off all the narcissist boxes. It all culminated when

I found out that he had gotten married to another girl in another country while we were dating and then just came back here and yeah started or kept dating me like nothing had happened so at that point I was finally able to cut ties with the relationship but it did a lot of damage to me and I continued to have to see him at work because he was my co-worker so it was really hard And I think that that was the reason that I really just couldn't get over it. I couldn't heal from the trauma for a really long time. So six months ago, I found another job and I started my new job in another town that's just a neighboring town. And it's been really great. I finally feel like I'm ready to dig in and do the work and heal

the damage that this caused. I started therapy just two weeks ago, but last week I found out that he got a job at my new job and he's starting in two and a half weeks in my department, in my same group. What an opportunity for you this is a great thing is it yeah it's up to you really i mean i i'm making light of it uh but it can be it definitely can be a great thing you know and when it's scary or whatever uh you need to see like maybe in therapy and you'll'll see this, but like, it seems so obvious because you can say these things out loud, but for whatever reason,

you must feel like something you did wrong caused him to do what he did. And if he is in fact a narcissist, and if he is in fact all these terrible things, then you already know, you don't need me to say it, that you had nothing to do with this. This is if he is in fact all these terrible things then you already know you don't need to need me to say it that you had nothing to do with this this is who he is like if you know if a sociopath is a murderer like you didn't do something special for him to want to murder you like you know he's a sick in the head or she's sick in the head or you know whatever most people

it's mostly white dudes who are serial killers but sociopaths um but there's something about your ego your insecurity feels like what did you do wrong or why why why did he like me and you feel like makes you feel that way but in reality you know these things and so like you gotta get to a place where we've all been there not all you know we date someone we love them we're obsessed with them and then we're like why did i ever like this person you just got to get to that place and once you get to that place it doesn't matter if he's with you i mean if this guy is so manipulative and narcissistic that well he's gonna want drama and that's going to be annoying to you uh do do where you work do they know about this situation um my my boss does not know i have a couple of co-workers who know so he is yeah you

should probably tell your boss and just say hey listen here here's the situation is he going to be a superior of yours are you going to be working under him he is going to be a superior of mine okay that's it yeah you should let your listen there's like from a from a work standpoint you should just let your boss know of this situation it makes you uncomfortable and that's not much that's something that might just be an unfortunate situation from a professional standpoint that like you know if he if for them your employer this is some big hire they're excited about and maybe he's just really good at his job i mean like a lot of ceos are narcissistic sociopaths and i think they're fucking good at what they do but they might be

bad humans so they might be excited about hiring this guy for what they you know their bottom line and that just might suck for you i mean you know they may decide but maybe not i don't know but what you don't want is a bunch especially because other some people know and everyone talks so just beam like at this point beam it you know go to your boss let them know you don't know how they're going to handle it i don't know but other people know and they're going to be talking about it. So just get ahead of it and to say, I do feel uncomfortable. This is what happened. Is there any way we can, you know, can you, is there another division or department you can work in? Is this, how big is this company? You know, it's a pretty big company. I have a really,

the other thing is, is my job is pretty specialized. So it's not really easy to find jobs in the area. I'm a scientist. I work for a gene therapy company. So it's really specialized. Awesome. And so, I mean, yeah, I think that there are possibly other opportunities in the company. But at the same time, I feel like I really like where I'm at. I love my boss.

Do you have a good relationship with your boss? I hate the company to work for her. I do. We've known each other for several years okay there you go that's a win for you so just sit her down and be like this is weird i just need to tell you i heard so and so is coming here we have a history this is what happened i'm not telling you what to do i just need you to know my point of view just because i don't feel super comfortable i will be professional i will try to work through it.

But if I seem awkward or uncomfortable, this is why I want you to understand where I'm coming from. Right. And then, you know, she'll hopefully want to be an ally to you. Maybe it will make her reevaluate, you know, like, I don't know,

if I were hiring someone and hire them, I wouldn't want someone who working for me who was capable of having another family in Europe. But that's for your boss to decide. Is your boss going to be his boss? Yes. Okay. Great. That's a win.

So she can decide to rescind the offer. Right. I doubt that will happen. Why? It's possible. Why? It was kind of a hard position to hire for so i've heard they didn't have a lot of options when did you find out about this um five days ago gosh yeah it's kind of fresh it's i'm sorry this is not there's no you know i you know who knows how this is going to play out for you this sucks but i think your best option and i say this knowing

that other people already know at work so don't control your narrative at this point don't other don't let other people tell your story because God only knows what they're going to say. Right. And I know people are already talking about it. And I've been going back and forth

of whether to tell my boss because I don't want to seem like I'm starting drama. This is not drama. This is like, this is happening to you. I'm professional. This happened to you.

You're trying to be professional. And you're not saying, you're just saying, I just need to let you know because I know other people know I'm committed to this job. I'm committed to being professional. I just need you to know

that my personal life is coming into my professional life and I just need you to understand where I'm coming from. I felt a little uncomfortable with this person. I will do my best to be professional, but I am only human. So if I am a little awkward or insecure or whatever, this is why.

And see what she says. I mean, that's all you can really do. And I don't know if that's – I don't know your boss or how well she's going to handle what she's going to do. You say you have a good relationship. That's a win. Right. She's awesome. so hopefully she'll react well and then i i'm also wondering on kind of like a personal level like for my own mental

health like seeing him at work again i feel like he's just gonna put me back well back to that my original point in terms of him is that you just got to get to a place where you've got to look at him and go, what was I thinking? And you were thinking that because you didn't know, but now that you know the truth, you know, like, I don't know, I'm trying to give a good analogy here, but like some food you really, you know, you think is really good. And then you realize you're like fucking allergic to it or like, Ooh, I hate mayonnaise. And you're like, you've taken a bite and you're like, you know, that has mayonnaise in it. And you're like fucking allergic to it or like i hate mayonnaise and you're like you've taken a bite and you're like you know that has mayonnaise in it and you're like what the fuck i hate this thing you have no problem not eating it anymore because like it has things in it you

don't fucking like and you just move right you just gotta see it for what it is and right now like you kind of see it for what it is but like something inside you is, you know, like is making you feel powerless to this person. And you've got to like really see him as the narcissistic. Now you're saying it like you've been told, well, he must be because he did these things and et cetera, et cetera. But you really have to see it. You have to look at him and go, you know what I'm saying? You have to see in the same way your other friends and go ew you know what i'm saying you have to see in the same way the same way your other friends see that and i know that's harder but you can get there

right and just accept the fact that this guy hurt you because he lied to you and was misleading to you and if you knew the truth you never would have gone down that path and so don't judge yourself for it and don't feel like you did anything wrong. Like you weren't special. And I mean in a good way or like you didn't attract him. He just chose like you were just unlucky. It's just dumb luck that he picked you to be this person too. So you just got to try to remove yourself emotionally from that and just see it again.

Just like look at him and go, that's just gross. That's gross gross i wouldn't want to be like that's not someone who i would be attracted to i'm so glad i know this now and you look at him and just want to vomit because you know and so it just kind of and you can get there we like i i mean i don't think of that way of my exes but i definitely look at them and I don't like miss them or love them. I'm indifferent. I've moved on. I respect them. You don't have to respect him,

but you can get there. You know, you can move on. Okay. Thank you so much. Best of luck. You can do it. Thank you. All right.

Take care. You too. Bye. Bye-bye. How's it going? Hey, I'm Anna. I'm 26. Hi, Anna, 26. How can I help? So I guess just to start off, I've been dating my boyfriend for six years since college.

And I'm currently in graduate school, not in America. And since the beginning of COVID, I haven't been able to see my boyfriend. So it's been like since February now. So a long time. And before that, I mean, we were doing long distance, but we were able to visit each other and we had some plans and like an end date in sight. And now pretty much nothing. And so I guess my question is, I don't want to just be on hold because I can't. It's really driving me crazy.

And I don't know when I'm going to see him. driving me crazy and I don't know when I'm going to see him. And yeah, so that's, I guess my question is, am I being stupid? I don't know. Being stupid for attempting to try to make this relationship work while you, there's no plan to see him at all. And it's been what six months with no are you stupid um i can't basically i mean it's just like you know you say you can do it but it's not so what does your relationship consist of now so we talk on the phone we say good morning and good night every day um facetime when we can that sort of thing he's really sweet like send me presents you know um and and you're you're how long is this gonna end how long is this gonna go on for i don't know i mean it might um i have another year and a half of school okay you Okay, and then you'll move back.

But for the foreseeable future, you're not going to see them much at all for the next year and a half. And then maybe if there's a vaccine and the pandemic subsides, that might slightly increase you guys' ability to see each other, but it's not going to be all that much.

So best case scenario, you see each other four times in the next year and a half something like that yeah you know and we assumed it's okay because we're probably gonna get married you know but then i'm finding like it's a big sacrifice it's like i'm really lonely yeah and you've you've decided you're probably gonna get married i mean so let me ask you this. Other than missing him and being lonely, are you second guessing your feelings and thoughts

towards the relationship and you feel bad about that because you've already decided you're going to marry him or is it just simply you're bored? simply you're bored? I think it's that I want to move forward. I think in the past six months, I've had to change a lot. It's a lot of adversity, you know, and I want to move forward. And I don't know how to figure this, these sorts of things out. Like, I don't know how to figure out if we're going to move forward together when we're not in the same place and and then you factor in like like I'm like I feel weird saying it out loud but like I miss like real intimacy like I want to be touched you know same girl like since February you know totally like how curious are you about other men

I mean very but I never do anything about it okay well that's an honest answer but I think that's an important question to ask yourself right so listen i it's a it's a tough situation right because your biggest problem it sounds like it's just the distance in this crazy world that we're living in nowadays and if i'm hearing you right there's no real specific uh problem you have in the relationship with him it's just like it's not normal not to see someone you're in relationship with, you know, like, sort of you guys being into like catfishing each other and pretending, you know, you're just fine with like these weird, having someone you do value things like touch and intimacy. And, and as a result of not having a real relationship with your boyfriend, you are naturally curious about other people, which that's just human nature. You know, like it doesn't really, you're in a tough position because

it doesn't really mean anything negative about him or the relationship. It doesn't mean he isn't a great guy. Unfortunately, it doesn't even mean that he wouldn't be a great partner. You've made this choice to do this thing for yourself in your life, which is get this secondary education. And that's great that you did that, right? And life's full of sacrifices and choices. And you're just in this tough spot. So I guess you just have to ask yourself.

To answer your simple question, are you crazy? You're not crazy, but you maybe were a little naive at first about um and then part of it was like you couldn't plan for a pandemic about how challenging it was going to be to you know maintain this relationship and things change and as things change we need to reevaluate our decisions and a couple ways you could look at it you know you could look at it kind of old traditional way. It's just like, if you love someone, set it free and see if it comes again.

Like it's just me, you know, you could make the argument like I'm listen, maybe it's best that we take some time apart because we need, maybe this is an opportunity for us to live our lives, you know, and grow as individuals and see if we still love each other at the end of it. That takes a lot of maturity and a lot of boldness

and a lot of risk, but it can work out, right? The good news is if you guys do decide to separate, because if you've listened to this podcast, you've heard me say things like, I usually don't recommend getting back together with an ex or things like that, but that's only based off the premise that you broke up for a reason because you fought, couldn, you know, I usually don't recommend getting back together with an ex or things like that. But that's only based off the premise that like you broke up for a reason because you fought, couldn't get along. You didn't, you know, you couldn't work through

your issues as a couple. The only thing that's different now is that you forgot how bad it was and now you're bored enough to get back together. This is not what this is. This is having a mutual respect, love. You just miss them. And as a result of you living in a different country with different cultures and you are missing out on this experience that you've decided to do right now you did it for a point of having an education but there's other life benefits from like living in a culture of which you're like stopping yourself from enjoying and the big question is this could be a really big test for the relationship you know are you guys mature enough to recognize that you are human that you are you might love each other but you as humans you would be attracted to other people

especially if you aren't getting it in other areas then he can't give it to you and so you know maybe you try taking some time apart and giving each other permission to explore other people. Maybe you don't talk at all. Maybe you check in. And knowing that this thing will end when you get back together, would he be mature enough to almost start over, knowing that there is still a lot of love there? And you know what I'm saying? I know I'm kind of rambling, but it all matters your perspective.

As I've gotten older, I make less of a deal about things that I feel like just don't matter, things that I made a big deal about when I was younger, you know, sexual partners, you know, about someone I dated before I was dating them and things like that. If you guys do love each other and break up and there's a gap and maybe you guys meet some other people but at the in a year and a half you're like he's still the one you love and vice versa then that can really strengthen a relationship if you guys choose to look at it that way if he dates someone else and falls in love with them then you have your answer anyways like you don't want to date someone and marry him just because you guys decided that he was going to be the one to get married.

And it could be a really romantic and strengthening feeling to know that he dated for a year and a half, met some nice people, maybe hooked up, had some nice times. But at the end of the day, you're the one he just wanted to come back. And then when he got back,

it was great. And vice versa. You met some like great foreign guy who was sexy and changed it up, and it was fun, and it was great, and you had a time of your life, and you'll never forget it, but it's not him. And that makes you really appreciate each other. But it does take a lot of maturity, and it does take a lot of communication, and you may not be able to handle it.

But it sounds like what you're doing now is not necessarily sustainable, and you know that, and you're looking for permission to maybe make some moves that you weren't planning on making. Maybe. It's funny as you were saying that I realized like I have this rule that I don't make a decision out of fear. Like I imagine, I imagine both like both decisions working out, and then I pick.

Because if you're afraid of something, then it's like you can't actually not choose it, you know? But then I realize that when it comes to dating, I always make decisions out of fear. Well, I think that's very insightful, I mean, for you to share. And I think that's very self-aware of you. And you're right. A lot of people are like you, right?

It's a great idea to say, I'm never going to make decisions out of fear. I'm going to take two things equally and just abet it on myself. And then whichever ones I like, that's what I'm going to do. Easier said than done. But listen, you already had the game to recognize that.

Now you just have to challenge yourself to do it. And you're right. You are basing it out of fear. Because in your perfect world, what I'm hearing is, you guys take some time apart. You guys set each other free. You live your lives. And then in a year and a half you come back you get through whatever awkwardness of

like owning up to what you guys did knowing that you guys had the right and freedom to do it and you still end up with each other meanwhile you guys were able to live these kind of like fulfilling lives of as individuals and as individuals we want to have our own experiences you guys deserve to have that and we'll and and that will like almost benefit your relationship with each other later on because you won't feel like you sacrificed too much for the relationship and for one another just because you were afraid to lose the other person right so now you just have to do it no it's it's it's it also just brings up i think like i guess he's in many ways a little more traditional than I am. Well, that's something that you're going to, you know,

have to deal with as a married couple if you marry him, right? Yeah, that's true. I'm usually like a pusher of the envelope, you know? This could be a way for him to loosen up those kind of reins, so to speak. So it's an imperfect situation, but you just have to take the information and go with it and see what happens. And you're right, not be afraid to lose them. And you might. You might lose them out of this.

But my guess is if you are, then that's okay. And you'll find some of that. I don't think you'll regret it one way or the other. Like if you, you know what I'm saying? If you make this call and he does find someone else, then my guess is that he might not be your guy because sometimes, I think we all often forget that a marriage is a lifetime

and you really have to be compatible about some of these really deeper things in order to have this relationship work for a whole lifetime. You can't just be someone that you fell in love with when you were young, and it seemed nice, and he's your best friend mostly out of comfort and not knowing anything else. That doesn't really get you through it. But if you're someone who's adventurous and likes to expand their comfort zone and he's just not and no amount of working with him is going to get there,

those are things that are going to come up in a marriage down the road. But in the meantime, something like this could really get you guys more on the same page when it comes to ultimately just being really confident with each other even though you guys more on the same page when it comes to ultimately just being really confident with each other, even though you guys aren't afraid to grow as individuals as well. Yeah.

So then like, and then ultimately we would like be choosing each other, not just sort of remaining placeholders all this time well that is a thing again it just could like there's a huge risk but there could be big reward you guys could again do these things as individuals come back in a year and both be able to say to each other i choose you i've done all this and you are what i want to be with and you are and and boy that could give you both of you a ton of confidence about each other it just will require a ton of maturity and again there is a risk but that that's the that's the goal and it there's a good chance it won't work but if it does then it's great and if it doesn't like it may not work out anyways you know could be resentment you get back in here yeah yeah oh I was just gonna say it's cool to

hear you say that because just it's like they're not a i feel like not maybe it's just my age like guys in their 20s are kind of immature about that stuff i think yeah about like even like imagining their girlfriend or whatever like with someone else 100 i think guys are you know more territorial in general but like you know men and women can both both do it too and also for even though you're talking to them and facetiming every day you guys are uh growing as individuals more than you realize and when you get back in town it still it will be an adjustment so to speak so there is no guarantee when you're back it will work out because you've been apart so long and you are just you know maybe growing apart and like you know what i'm saying like so you're i don't know yeah like it's it seems it's an impossible situation and for me if i if you

were to ask what i would do i would go the route of of maybe taking some time apart because there's still risk either way but at least with the time apart there's a chance to like get things out of your system for sure and not build up resentment and loneliness and just kind of be miserable and then you know celibate yeah so i think that option is a chance for a lot of maturity and growth as individuals and the you know just being celibate and lonely and bored because is sounds nice but there's just i feel a lot of like residual uh resentment and baggage that could come from it yeah it's a long time and i'm like i've i always say with like long distance and i i think i've heard you say the same thing that it really works when you have an end date. When you don't have an end date, it just, yeah. Yeah, I mean, it's not a practical situation.

No. Yeah. You have my permission to break up. That's what you're looking for. Yeah, it's a tough situation. But it could be a great thing. Yeah. you know that's what you're looking for um there's yeah it's a tough situation but this you know it could be a great thing and if if you bring this up and he handles it so poorly that's a sign you know and it sounds like you predict that. I do.

So my guess is there is some... You guys aren't on the same wavelength in terms of how you see the world relationships in your maturity level. And this could be an opportunity for him to grow. You're just like, it's just not practical. And if he doesn't see that, he might someday you know does that make sense

yeah it does and it's like no i just keep like as you're talking about it and I'm imagining it I like feel I like I'm afraid of him reacting more than I'm afraid of of of like the outcome you know what I mean yeah I get that but that's that's that's a sign and I'm realizing that that's the I know that's something right um yeah that that's the reaction i'm having but you're gonna have to dominant emotion you're gonna have to do that and then see how it goes but that is something to not ignore and it doesn't make him a bad guy or like a just means that he's he's feeling a little helpless and probably lacks any control and like you know here you are in this new country and whether it's true or not he's feeling a little helpless and probably lacks any control. And like, you know,

here you are in this new country and whether it's true or not, he's going to be like, she's got all these new guys going for her. And he's just like probably in the same boring world that he sees as same and boring, but he likes, but you know what I'm saying? He's going to create his own version of what the reality is, but whether that's true or not.

How old is he? 29. Okay. So he's true or not. How old is he? 29. Okay, so he's not that young. So he should, yeah. I'll be 27 next week. But yeah, he should be able to, you know, I don't know. You made these choices, and now you have to work with the choices you've made.

And I'm not saying that to make you feel like it's a bad thing. You made them for a good reason. It doesn't sound like you regret those choices you're just struggling with the situation you found yourself in and it's hard too because it's like it's hard not to feel some guilt like there's a worldwide pandemic and like i can't get over not having sex you know but it's like you're still yourself and you're still a person i think you're allowed to want to get laid. For sure. Yeah. A long time. Yeah. So you're not a bad person.

I feel like there's a part of this you're just like, am I an asshole if I break out of them because I want to get some dick? And you're not. You're not. But just cut the cord sooner than later and be as honest with him as possible. See how he handles it. Yeah. I think some sort of plan is necessary

because it's not worth it. My advice, if you're going to take some time, set him free, whether he wants to be set free or not. Don't develop this plan of how to get back together okay you know and i get you're like you know you want to i don't know it's tough you're in a tough situation just you know i i usually don't like to operate with like oh well there's exceptions to every this is an exception to this is a kind of untraditional situation. Yeah.

But like in most cases, there are things about this relationship, regardless of the situation you find yourself in, that I think probably should be addressed that you would most otherwise ignore because it wouldn't come up. And this situation you find yourself in is bringing up things like, you guys aren't really on the same weighing length

in terms of your maturity level and independence, and that's just because you guys are living two different lives. Yeah. No, it's a good point, and it's like it's always a risk of spending a lot of time apart, right? It's like you don't share the same experiences. You meet different people. You have different points of reference.

Yeah. You just don't plan on quite this much time apart yeah well what are you gonna do uh but yeah i think that's uh it's a tough situation but i think you're gonna be off it sounds like you know what you want and need to do you just have to figure out how to do it yeah you don't need to tell them that you want to get laid, but you just, just, it's,

you guys are better off, even if it's for to have each other, if you're able to live your lives outside of, the relationship shouldn't be that much sacrifice. So. Yeah. I know know i remember my like my mom once said to me she's like if you don't have a lease and you don't have a child you should just be having fun that's it yeah no i mean listen to something you said about yeah we but it's like you don't expect this stuff

to happen you're doing it listen i think it's great that you took this time of your life to do things for yourself. And I think that's definitely, I wouldn't regret that. And if he's the guy for you, you guys will figure out a way to make it work. Yeah. So, all right. Okay.

All right, well, best of luck. I appreciate luck i appreciate it thank you yeah bye-bye okay bye well what a wonderful episode i loved how our first two callers um really highlighted how awesome i am at giving advice i hope i hope what was our first caller's name um first caller make sure you listen to the second caller to understand no betty was her oh yeah barbara barbara you're gonna you're fucking with betty you're fucking with betty and and your betty deserves better your future betty yeah because barbara just so you know i don't think you're gonna end up with this dude yeah and you're gonna find your betty and you should want to focus on your betty yeah because you're gonna hurt betty otherwise and saying that if betty doesn't want to put up with your bullshit he's not your person yeah

it's a little selfish that wasn't even planned like barbara's question was a little bit different and then it just kind of ended up being that way so um you never know how things are gonna go on us nick but you gotta be honest with yourselves yeah i guess that's the big takeaway you know and i've said this in different verses different ways stop making these grand statements about the rest of your life and how they're going to play out when you don't fucking know. Yeah. I mean, I understand like when you get married,

you have these vows, you make these promises. Fine. That's marriage. But even then, just because you say that you have to do things to make that work and you have to make choices every day. And I'm a parent.

You choose to be together with someone every day or you choose not to be. We'll always be friends well it's a lifelong i said that in second you know it's what you say to each other in second year or fifth grade i mean you think that way so much about as you grow up it sounds nice but things and then we like as adults try to like fulfill these promises yeah and we make and we hurt people along the way yeah thanks for sending in your questions. Keep sending them in. Ask Nick at castmedia.com.

Cast with a K. Don't forget to rate us five stars. We'll see you tomorrow for some Bachelor recap. And on Wednesday, we have a very fun and wonderful, powerful episode with a very charming, very insightful life coach, hypnotist, talking about our relationship with ourselves and the importance of making sure we have a healthy relationship with ourselves before we can truly have a healthy relationship with anyone else. I hope you guys tune in for that. And until then, we'll see you next time.