The Viall Files - E191 Developing A Relationship With Yourself With Ryan Haddon

Episode Date: October 28, 2020

On todays episode of The Viall Files we are joined by certified Life and Spiritual Coach, Hypnotherapist and Meditation teacher Ryan Haddon. You may best know her as the in-house Life Coach at Poosh, Kourtney Kardashian’s Lifestyle website. As a Life Coach, Ryan assists clients in achieving a happier, healthier, more balanced life. Nick and Ryan jump in and dive deep on how really working on yourself and looking through the lense of self love is so important to making yourself ready for a relationship with someone else.  “The truth of right now is all there is.“ Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Amazon Music: http://www.amazon.com/viall to get your first three months of Amazon Music for free.  Bright Cellars: http://brightcellars.com/viall to receive 505 off your first 6-bottle box.  Natural Habits: http://www.nhoils.com use code KRISSY for 30% off your order  Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall @ryanhaddoncoach https://www.instagram.com/ryanhaddoncoach/ https://ryanhaddon.com/product/the-relationship-triumvirate/ See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hi, how's everyone doing? I hope that you're feeling calm. And if you're not, we have a great episode for you today. That threw me off. It's kind of an ASMR episode. Because usually you're like... like hi everybody how's it going what's going on everybody um we have a uh a really nice episode for you today nice uh our our guest ryan haddon is a very impressive person who does spiritual life coaching. She's a hypnotist, a meditation teacher. And we talk a lot

about self-love today and how it sounds so cliche, self-love. Oh, love yourself. Love thyself. And yet we don't. And we get into the specifics of what she means by that, how we can do it, the role it plays on our relationships in life, whether it's our friendships or romantic relationships. And if we are unable to recognize how we love ourself or lack thereof, how it's kind of a non-starter for your other relationships going forward. So I really enjoyed talking to Ryan and she has a very soothing voice.

Very soothing. It's probably part of the hypnosis aspect of what she does. Oh, do you think maybe we were hypnotized during this conversation? No. Okay. I don't know, maybe. I don't. Is that, what do you think?

I don't know. If you start barking like a dog later, I'll be excited. Yeah. But I really think I feel like and we try to mix it up with our guests as you guys

as know and hopefully you guys will feel a little more cleansed yeah after this itself you also might be

more anxious being like realizing all the work you have to do for yourself but who knows either way it starts somewhere

we really enjoy Ryan taking the time and we certainly hope that you guys enjoy listening to this episode as much as I enjoy talking to Ryan. So let's get to Ryan. Ryan, thanks so much for joining. It's great to be here. I have so many questions for you. So I guess let's just get into it. Let's do it. So you are a certified life and spiritual coach, hypnotist, and meditation teacher. And I mean, I'm slightly familiar with meditation. I mean, I'm familiar with hypnosis in the sense that we've all heard of it. In fact, my high school graduation, they brought in a hypnotist.

I haven't been able to get hypnotized twice. It was once when I was a freshman, and then my graduation, they brought in a hypnotist for the school, and they did this whole student body thing. And both times, they try to hypnotize me didn't work for me you know other people they totally out of body experience it was hard for me to believe because it didn't work on me but so i have so many questions about that and then obviously the life coaching but before we get into all that, I mean, I want to learn a little bit about

yourself and how you got into all these things. Was it something that you knew on an early age or through your own personal experiences and kind of self-preservation of finding yourself? Because a lot of what you do, it seems to be is getting the most out of one's self or, you know, living your best life, so to speak. Is that accurately put? Sure. That's a great, that's a great phrase. Live your best life. Who doesn't want that? Yeah. But that's elusive, right? It's a concept. And that obviously changes. Each person's got a different idea of what that means for them.

So yeah, I help people figure out what that means and what's in the way. And I use all those modalities you called out to help them unpack and clear what's noise, what's subconscious patterning and programming, what are like mental blocks, what's childhood conditioning, those sorts of parts and pieces. And then the meditation and spiritual piece is like, let's grow conditioning, those sorts of parts and pieces. And then the meditation and spiritual piece is like, let's grow out the part of you that is intact, your higher self, the part of you that has a soul, the part that's wise and all knowing, and let's grow that out. And then meanwhile, clear all these other things out of the way and really get you on that track to figure out what your best life is and how can you move into alignment with that.

Yeah. And how did you get into that, doing it? Well, I guess I was a seeker at a young age. I had a parent pass in my teens and that was their great blessing is that they left me with the question of why are we here and what are we doing? So instead of spiraling into a grief depression, it sent me on a quest and it led me to a meditation teacher, which wasn't popular amongst my friends. But I went off to India and ended up studying in India for a couple of years. And I took my GED there and my SATs there and, you know, just sort of really wanted to have that full immersion. And I did. And I studied a lot of the Indian traditions and chanted all the chants. How long ago was that?

That was when I was 17. 17 years old. So it's good. About 30 some years. Okay. Wow. So, yeah. And like when you say it wasn't as popular with your friends is, you know, meditation

has become a little bit more mainstream and accepted in our culture. But yeah, 30 years ago, not so much. People thought you were nuts. Yeah, you were crazy. Yeah, they totally did. They totally did. But for some reason, I knew what I was doing. And it was an incredible, fertile period in my life. Learned a lot of different parts about transcendental meditation and having these incredible experiences. And then, so then I went back into college and had to try to fold that in. And that was a real, that was a huge challenge for me to try to make practical spirituality for myself. And that led me to a lot of dark nights of the soul. I'll be honest. I actually

went into alcoholism for a period of time in my 20s. And that was rough roads and having to reconcile what I once was in India and this other version of me that's very real and, you know, really hard to crawl your way out of. And that during that time, I met a lot of mentors and people who are pointing the different directions. And I was so very grateful for the paths that they led me to that I think that made a huge impression on me. And later on in my life, when I started to really get things together and integrate all those different learnings, I really enjoyed helping others do that. And I found that that was one of my purposes. And that was part of me creating my best life was being in service to others and then developing all these modalities so that I could

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So what are some of the biggest struggles that you find people deal with that kind of create their own struggles? I mean, we've had episodes where we talk about the key to happiness and things like that. And it sounds like this is a bit intertwined. I mean, obviously we all want to be happy, but it sounds like maybe you deal with some of the actual struggles that people find or just we all kind of have destructive behaviors. You even kind of mentioned like for you, you had this whole life in India, came back and tried to intertwine East and West philosophies. And then you just kind of got into your, you know, you said your, you know, dark soul, whatever. And

we, you know, in different versions, we all do that. We have our strengths and weaknesses. And so you're trying, what are some of the things that you find with people that they really struggle with? I think people underestimate their relationship to themselves. I think we spend a good deal of time running from that very tenuous relationship. And so we think it's the person that someone else is going to fix that or someone else is going to make us feel better. We ask other people to take care of our needs and wants and our emotional through line. And so when you really get, which I had to get to recover from a deadly disease, that my relationship to myself was something I was done running from. And I had to anchor into that in a different way and really create a kinder climate. in a different way and really create a kinder climate. The climate of those sorts of addictions or acting out or seeking external things to hold you up is the climate of self-loathing

in the extreme. You're just absolutely in this boiling cauldron of, I'm not enough. I can't get things done. I don't have purpose. I don't know who I am. I don't like myself. It's like, to recover from that, the antidote is starting to grow out kinder ways of speaking to yourself, more compassion, noticing the good, being of service, doing actionable ways that move the self-esteem needle forward, if you will. So that was my antidote. And I had to do that to save my life, which many of us have had to do to varying degrees. But so that's the thing. People come to me for different things. Can you help me get the job? Can you help me be happy in my relationship? And I always start with, let's figure out what the relationship to you is

first and let's deep dive into that. And from there, when that's in place, everything else starts to flow. The purpose comes, the relationship gets better. You know, I've had people come to me and say, can you help me, you know, leave this relationship with my husband? I'm not happy in it. And I said, well, let's figure out, let's tweak a few things with how you deal with yourself. And then you'll know more whether that's something you actually want to do or not. And I'd say more times than not, people end up staying in that relationship and they have decided to take responsibility for themselves within it. And so they're not leaning onto their partner to be their everything. They're understanding that only they have the power to meet those needs and then share themselves with

that partner from that place. Sure. Yeah. And so the relationship with yourself, like you said, a lot of it you said is coming from a place of self-loathing. And I guess it sounds, you know, I always kind of love those things that when you say it out loud, it sounds simple and it makes a ton of sense. And yet it's something that so many of us take for granted or don't even consider. I mean, we, every week, every episode, we're talking and dealing with people who talk about their relationships with other people, friendships, boyfriends, girlfriends, et cetera, et cetera. And rarely do we have people call in, or never,

talking about how they feel about themselves on a daily basis, what do they do on a daily basis. What do they do on a daily basis to treat themselves well, do things for themselves, acts of services for themselves. In a way, it's not like getting what you want or being selfish, but having that relationship with yourself, I think, is something we all struggle with. As you say, in the greatest degrees.

It's not something we have put value on necessarily but i guarantee that you are calling in in all your relationships what you feel worthy of yeah so for the people listening how could like what are some basic steps of someone who's listening to this who thought is listening is like i've never considered that holy shit what are some things that starting today they could do to better improve the relationship with themselves well it starts with it starts in the mind a lot of times you know so we have something on the high level of 60,000 unconscious thoughts a day and thoughts create a feeling, right? And thoughts create a mood. And then we take action around our feelings. So it's really noticing, it starts back to the thought,

figuring out how am I speaking to myself? What's my perception of the world? Am I judging? What's the filter through which I'm viewing things? So starting to cull your thoughts and your thinking patterns is start there. And then where you can, if you notice where you're being hard on yourself, where you're being judgmental of self or whatever that is, however that's showing up for you, to replace that thought, say, hang on a second, I'm doing the best I can. Instead of doing affirmations in your morning, which are good, but you're in the beta level activity brainwave, it doesn't really go down into the subconscious. It doesn't really take root, if you will, but it happens when you're on the ground. It happens in

a moment like that. And it also happens when you can put yourself in meditation. You talked about meditation before. So when you meditate, you're dropping down into brainwave activity levels, and it's when it's most receptive in the theta state. So when you can calm yourself, calm the brain patterns, calm the thoughts down, get space between the thoughts, that would be a time that you could impregnate the subconscious. That would be the time where you could really get those affirmations to work for you. That I'm doing the best I can. I like myself.

I'm strong and powerful. I can call in any experience I choose. Like really, that would be the time to do those rather than just running them off like a laundry list as you're getting out the door in the day or in your car when you're driving. Do you know what I mean? So it's knowing when to do them

and really being an ally to yourself throughout your day on the ground. What is the difference between the beta and theta state? Okay. I mean, I honestly don't know. Yeah. So we're in, there's gamma that's very fast brainwave activity. There's beta, which is what we're probably in right now.

It's pretty fast. And it's the conscious mind is super engaged. Below that is alpha. And we kind of dip into that throughout the day. And that's sort of when we're reading a book or when we're spacing out or sometimes we're driving from A to B and we don't know how we got to B. That's a form of trance, just so you know. It's interesting. So we're not, it's not like hypnosis is something over there. We're actually all the time dipping into these states of trance. And then below that alpha

state is theta. And when we're from the ages of zero to seven, theta, we're in that state most of the time. It makes sense, right? So you land in a human body and you're trying to categorize and qualify and quantify the world around you so you can be safe. So that's where you upload all the ideas about love, about safety, about abundance, about security, about attraction. All those different parts and pieces happen at that time, and they go into that hard drive of the subconscious. So then here we are as adults. We don't really dip into that theta state as much to reprogram it, but that subconscious is downloading all these old child programming. And it really doesn't serve us in our adult life. And we find we're reactive. We find we're not in present time. We find we're not responding appropriately to situations as they come down the pipeline.

So that's a good key to show you that in those moments that happen, oh my God, why did I react that way? That makes no sense to know that's your subconscious. That's your subconscious downloading some programming that's like faulty in some way. So in hypnosis, we go into that place using your language and we upload what you want for your life going forward, how you want to see yourself, how you want to call in a loving relationship, how you want to show up in your purpose and for abundance to show up for you. So the subconscious is really running 95% of your life, most of which I think it's like 80 or something percent is negative habitual patterning of thoughts that are just going on the loop in those 60,000 thoughts a day.

So you can do that. You don't need a hypnotherapist to do that. I'm happy to work with people. I love doing it, but you also have the capability yourself and you can do that. You don't need a hypnotherapist to do that. I'm happy to work with people. I love doing it. But you also have the capability yourself. And you can drop your own self. I mean, all hypnosis is self-hypnosis. That's one of the founders of hypnotherapy says that.

So just knowing it's the degree to which you allow yourself to drop into that state. So I can't make you do anything. So those people that were in your high school, they had a willingness to do that. There was a part of them that was willing to drop into that. And you might not have, it doesn't, it might not have felt safe to you. It might not have felt something that you were open to doing on some level, but it's the degree to which you allow yourself. So I can't make anyone do anything they don't want to do. I can't make them agree to wanting to be a certain way in their life when they're not in agreement with that. The

subconscious will reject it entirely. So that's just good to know. It's like a little safety mechanism. So I can't control you. I can't manage you. It's really about what fits for you and tailored to you. Interesting. As someone who for myself, I have a hard time staying or being present. What does that mean in terms of what you just discussed in terms of like what, for someone, and so many of us are challenged by being present with some of the distractions we have on a daily basis, what state do we tend to be in when we are not being present? I think we're just so identified with the thoughts. We're thinking

where the thoughts. And I think when you're meditating, that's a great practice about meditation is you start to realize part of meditation is dropping past the thoughts. I'm the thinker. I'm not the thoughts themselves. So I'm not identity. I'm going to pick and choose which ones. And, you know, doing a simple, you know, present moment awareness type meditation, which is really about just coming back to the breath, just come back to the breath. Oh, there's a thought. Guess what? My brain's off gassing because that's what it does. It just thinks shit all the time. There it is not to judge it, but just come back to the breath. So it's just this gentle reorganizing and allowing thoughts to come on the screen of your mind and letting them go. And so that's so useful off the mat when you're not meditating, because during the day, again, oh, there's a thought that's not helpful, not constructive. It's actually destructive. I'm going to let that one go and I'm going to choose something else. So you start to drop past the person having all that, you know, that thinking and being kind of

yanked around with that monkey mind and not being able to be present because all we have is the present moment. That's it. Everything is us trying to manage the past or trying to project into the future so we can manage, you know, perceived dangers. And they're not even real yet. It hasn't come. So it's really about why it's so important that mindfulness, that present moment is that this is the truth of right now is all that is, you know? So that's why we do, that's why we do meditation. And in that moment is happiness. We can choose that. And I prefer the word contentment. I feel like happiness, I know everyone says they're seeking happiness, but happiness is so slippery. It's so elusive. It feels like it's something

imposed on us. Whereas contentment is something that we can curate from the inside out. It's something that we can decide. I'm content. I have everything I need. It actually goes arm in arm with gratitude. You can't really be in gratitude and also feel like there's not enough, or you're missing, or you're in lack. So gratitude is a great thing to cultivate, but they work well together. So for the person who, let's say they're going through a breakup and we talk to these people a lot or their boyfriend or girlfriend left them, they're all upset, and then what's very common, as I'm sure you probably know, we have a tendency of focusing on all the things we miss

and we'll ignore the things that we're not happy about in a relationship. And when you're dealing with some of the people that you work with, what is some practices in terms of, again, is it a meditation thing? Is it a hypnosis thing? Is it just, again, seeing, you know, is it the relationship with yourself in terms of, and that I feel like it might be right. We're like, why do we sometimes dismiss our own needs? And I say this a lot to our callers. It's just like, I can't tell how many times they're always like, they're always worried

about what the person thinks of them, right? Does he like me? What can I do? What should I do to impress them? Et cetera, et cetera. And I hear them all the time and very rarely are they, well, do I like them? What do I need from them? You know, does that, am I happy? Am I content? Or as you say, like, am I, am I getting what I need from this relationship, whatever it is? And what are some practices and reminders that you, you recommend? What are some practices and reminders that you recommend? Yeah, that's always a great gauge when you're looking at yourself through another person's eyes. You've kind of lost the thread of your relationship to self, right?

So with my clients, I call that, look, you're an obsession. Let's just call it what it is. When you're trying to get and control and manage someone else's version of you, it's the mask and you're in obsession. So let's just, as soon as you notice it, just call it out. This is an obsession and come back to yourself and say, what am I thinking? What am I feeling? What's the next right action for me? Those are the three phrases that I always help is helpful to just like get back in my

lane. This is a fool's errand to try to manage the narrative for them. Because people are going to think what they want. Let's set them free. They can like you. They can not like you. I mean, that is a huge thing. It's easier said than done.

But it is a practice to notice when that's happening. And it's a leak, right? It's how we give away our power. It's how we stay out of our own experience. Because maybe it's scary to be in our own experience. Maybe we don't like who we are. Maybe it's all those. Those are all those parts.

So start there. in our own experience. Maybe we don't like who we are. Maybe it's all those, those are all those parts to start there, you know? And then knowing that if you're in partnership with someone and they're, they are highlighting things, they keep doing the same things over and over. That's, that's, they highlight the part of you that's in shadow, the part of you that needs healing. And it's just going to keep happening again and again in every single relationship until you stand still and make a note of that. It's like, why does that bother me? Why am I triggered?

So they are your great partner holding up the mirror. We expect the other person to complete us in some way. We have all these ridiculous notions, and especially us women with our Disney princesses. I mean, that's actually changing now. I have small kids and I've been watching the new Disney movies and I'm like, wow, they really got the memo on that. It's about women taking care of themselves and becoming their own heroes, those things. But back in the day, it wasn't,

we either died and like women were trying to kill us, our stepmothers. And like, so it's like, we've had to come out from all this programming, you know, and there is no you complete me. It does not exist, Nick. It's like, this is why everything falls apart between people. You are your own vessel. You have this idea that it's a triangle. You're both at the base triangle, both caring for yourself, both being fulfilled outside

of the relationship. And then together you bring to the top of the triangle, the relationship is like a separate entity and it has to be in balance on the base. You have to have your friends, your life, your purpose, your ways that you're getting your needs met. You know how to self-soothe, know how to speak to yourself kindly and stop looking to that other person to do the heavy lifting you've been unwilling to do. It's unfair for them. And some people, that's how these toxic relationships, everyone connects, all those broken pieces connect because someone is like, I'll do it for you. And you'll love me and you'll be indebted to me. And then the other person's

like, I'm going to resent the hell out of you because you're doing the work for me. I should be doing myself. So if everyone has the goal and you know what, we're going to slip and slide. It's not always a through line, but if that is your intention, oh, I'm asking them to do this for me. Oh, I'm getting triggered and I'm making them about them. And I'm telling them, you need to do this. When you catch yourself talking like that, you're off your center. So go back to that place where learning how to self-soothe, what tools work for you? And I love to give clients lots of tools. I'm tapping and meditation's one, journaling. It's just so many, so many different practices to do. And take a walk in nature.

Write about what's going on. Why are you triggered? Step away from your partner in that moment and say, you know what? This is not about you. This is about me. There's something in me that's being activated and I want to be with that. Instead of running from it and making it about you, I'm going to sit still and really see what's coming up for me. That's what being responsible for yourself looks like. I'm responsible for all my emotions and for the

triggering that's coming up. I want the triggering to come up so I can heal. And you're doing that for me. Thank you so much. You are a great teacher, right? That's a, that's a paradigm shift. So, and then, then, then if that you're partnered, then you're going to pull in someone who's going to be at that same level of integrity with themselves. And then both of you are going to funnel that into the relationship that you're sharing together. And that makes for something really strong and that you really can let go of a lot of fantasies and that whole, you complete me paradigm pretty quickly. If you're looking for clean, wonderful indoor air, use essential oils that will not only do that,

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what you're saying. You say you talk about this idea and we have our society of, again, the complete me. I want to find someone because I will be happy if this, if I only had this in my life. And it sounds like what you're saying is the opposite is quite true. If you aren't satisfied with yourself and you don't have a relationship with yourself,

with yourself and you don't have a relationship with yourself that the person you get in a relationship with will it will be the other way toxic in a way or damaging or like you said the the way you said it like if you aren't have if you have an unhappiness with yourself or things you handle that your partner will only kind of highlight those things and almost no matter how perfect they are, when people say, I found the perfect guy, then eventually they just get annoyed with each other. And is that what you're saying in terms of it doesn't really matter what the partner does if you can't do it for yourself? Yeah. And also that, you know, if some, whoever's listening, if you're in a relationship and you feel like it's toxic, you know, start with you.

Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. Just see what you can shift and change about taking responsibility for yourself. Like we said, self-soothing. And then just see what then happens. Because it's a mathematical, you know, reality that if one thing shifts in an equation, everything has to shift also. that if one thing shifts in an equation, everything has to shift also. And so I think that's, that's really a powerful concept of, you know, like, we'll run into trouble in a relationship. And then like, this guy's not good enough. I need something else. And so it creates this cycle, this chain of like, my guy's out there, I've got to find him or, you know, this guy's, you know,

this whole process, but really not standing still with your own stuff and really not being willing. And I know it sounds so boring and so unsexy. I get it. Because we want that person to sweep in who's going to all the pheromones and that happens and then it stops, right? We move through that quickly

and we're like, oh, it's just you. Okay. So that's the part where why that keeps happening over and over. Well, actually, no, it's actually you because you want that high, you want that buzz, you want that, you're not willing to stand still with your things.

And so what if you're in the partnership that you're in and you could start saying, oh, wow, bringing that consciousness to it, letting them be them, giving them permission to do their stuff that they always do. Okay, that's fine. I'm going to focus back on me. How is this working out for me? How am I feeling? How am I doing? And it looks selfish, but it really, it will benefit everybody at the end of the day. I mean, you'll be a greater

partner, greater parent, all the greater worker, greater citizen on the planet, truly, if you're taking care of your own needs within any paradigm. Yeah. And I'm glad you brought that up kind of what looks like or sounds selfish, but there's definitely a difference between working on yourself and giving you what your needs so then you can be a better in the world partner, all these things versus saying, I want other people to do this for me. I want this is where i want to eat this is who i you know all those things because that you know expecting other thing other people to do what you want when you want it that selfish you taking the time to make sure that you're getting the

nourishment from yourself is important so that then therefore you can maybe be like a giver and less selfish in a way but it's kind of how it's all all framed um it's all very very fascinating uh you have i haven't you say you talk a lot about soulmates or finding your own soulmate and and people certainly love the idea of soulmate one and only notebook type of love is that something that you subscribe to the idea that we can find our soulmates in in in a literal sense or or or just whoever you end up with and that you're happy with is just by default your soulmate because full disclosure i don't like i don't believe in the traditional sense of there's this one person that I have to somehow magically find in the maze of a billion people. Right.

It's just more finding the person who, I don't know, I just, I guess, enjoy being around. Right. And then I'm, and we, I don't know we have fun together yeah what are your what are your thoughts on that and then you know how do can people quantify that I think that's it that's a real thing and what I'm hearing you say is that who do I can I have fun with and I feel my authentic self that I'm with you know like that could be that's a great definition. I have two thoughts. I feel like, you know, I feel like there's some soul contracts that happen. I think there's some agreements ahead of time and they're not always rosy, you know, so, so we can have, I definitely look back in

my history and there's people that was a soulmate for that time, you know, and we had a sacred contract. They were going to push the shit out of my buttons and I would have to really contract to be able to expand. And they'd highlight all the things. So it wasn't the butterflies and rainbows that we expect. It wasn't like the season finale on The Bachelor type deal, but it was definitely sacred work. So that's a soulmate too. So I guess it could be redefining that. I also, I have four kids. So my kids are soulmates in a sense. So it doesn't always have to be romantic. It's about gravity. It's about connection. It's about fulfillment when you're with someone. So that's how I'm defining it. So what if we expanded the idea

of a soulmate, not pinned it on the relationship with a romantic partner? What if we expanded that notion? Then it could also take the pressure off of finding that soulmate. And I also feel like you can have a few. These vows were different. These vows were along the lines of, I'll love you for as long as I can, as long as it brings out the best in both of us, I'll work so hard to fight through every single block that comes up and I'm going to pull my weight. But beyond that, I can't promise you forever. How can I do that? I don't know who I'm going to be in 20 years from now. I'm going to work hard and I'm not going to give up. But if it's something, you know, that's, I think that's also realistic about a partnership too. So that's why I say, I think it's open for this understanding that we can have a few and there can be twin souls. I love that. And kind of recently as I've been thinking about stuff and relationships, I've kind of had this epiphany of I feel like we need to stop just deciding for ourselves that this is my forever person.

That's it. I found my person. And then we stop checking in with ourselves, with the relationship. checking in with ourselves, with the relationship, and no matter what we do in the relationship, and no matter what our partners do, we always assume that this is our relationship. So then we start accepting our own shitty behavior or their shitty behavior, et cetera, et cetera, because we've just decided what this is, as opposed to checking in. And by doing so, it may end up there for being forever because now we've we don't take it for granted and and sometimes when we throw out these kind of labels or just

standards for ourselves that are impractical and we we don't really know how to tangibly uh approach it then yeah i think we end up taking it for granted and we don't like work on the things we do. So I love that you say that because while it may not sound as romantic as till death do us part, approaching it that way seems like a really more romantic way long term of I'm going to do the work and I'm not going to be afraid to say that who knows what's going to happen. But by doing so, we acknowledge that we will have to do work and we will have to do these things and we're willing to do it. And I like putting it in those contexts. Yeah. And so much of, I love what you just shared. Yeah. And so much of what we think is that we're just trying to find our home with our person. And when we get, it goes back to what we've been talking about is our home is us. You know, we are our home. We are that person we've been seeking.

under rocks all over the place. And the world keeps telling us that it's about external things. It's about the bank account. It's about the wardrobe. It's about the car that you drive. And I've had all those things and it's just, that doesn't do it. And that in fact, at the height of that in my life, being in the epicenter of that, I blew it all up. And so that doesn't give you, that's the rat race thing. So when you make your own self, your person, then you can move into partnership and say things like that and mean them. I'm going to be with you. I'm going to work really hard. And I pray to God that we can grow together along spiritual lines. Those are my words, because that's how I define it. And what's happened is I've been in my relationship for a while and we have grown alongside each other and we've definitely had our bumps, but it's a beautiful thing

when with time, as time marches on, if you're both conscious and you're both awake, it's better and better and better. And I don't trust the butterflies. I just want to get to, you know, I just want to get to the real stuff. I don't trust all that, those feelings because they're fake, you know, and it's really my projections onto you. I want to know who you are now without all that, all those things are just, those things are, those things frighten me because they can get you off course and just show me who

you are. Sure. And let's, that's, that's more real. And then we can really get down to the work together and the fun, like you said, you know, because it makes it fun when you're both awake and you're both doing the work on yourselves. It says here in my notes, you have some thoughts on the unimportance of physical attraction and why that

can be a distraction. That's not a great quote. Yeah. I don't know if it's a quote, but is that, is, are, is, is what are your thoughts on that i mean you know someone who i've always valued my physical attraction and my partners recognizing that you know looks fade and and there's a lot more to that but we often you know it is often the first thing that draws us into someone that physical attraction and um you know what are you know how do you balance that out and could you maybe put in your words

as opposed yeah what are your thoughts on that sure nick well from what i know from the subconscious the subconscious as i explained before it's it's calling in everything to you based on its hard drive, what it's wired to feel attracted to. So if you're attracted to, you've had a childhood where a parent wasn't very present or loving or rejecting or you were abandoned or different like that, you're going to be attracted to someone who's emotionally unavailable. And so you'll be like, that's my type. You know what I mean? He's, he's, he's just sort of like too cool for school. And he's just not really quite into me. Like, and you're going to be attracted to that. That's going to be sexy to you. So that's the part I think where that's why I was saying that. So I don't always trust

because the subconscious has its own agenda. But if you're working with that, then you might also call in, you might also be attracted to someone. Those are when like the C's part and you see that person, you're like, oh, it's you. There you are. You know, those things. And that doesn't mean that that is not valid to have that story. But be cautious. Be cautious.

Are you saying that my sometimes general aloofness and disinterest in in life or at least the impression of it is the reason why i sometimes uh attract uh beautiful women with teddy issues who have is that i don't know it looks like you're realizing you right now i'm just i don't try it's not like a thing i'm doing it's just like i'm kind of you know i'm a heady guy i can be aloof i can kind of be um i can be very emotional and expressive but not always and i i've people often find me hard to read. And I've noticed throughout my life that it has attracted people towards me. Interesting.

And it's like, well, damn it. Do you like me or am I just reminding you of your childhood? Shit. That's funny. Yeah, probably some of that, Nick. Are you easy to read for yourself

like could you have a good handle on what's going on as things are moving through you I think so I'm okay I pride myself in being self-aware and I'm good at reading people I'm good at that and I think maybe if I'm just thinking off my feet

why sometimes I'm hard to read because I'm constantly analyzing the world around me and I'm reading other people. And I think that kind of puts up what seems to be this kind of mysterious wall. And I don't as I've gotten older, I've become a little more guarded, you know, and so I don't easily, I like to keep my circle small. I pride myself on loyalty. I, you know, I like, and so, but I don't let people into that circle of people I plan on being very loyal to. And I don't let people in that quickly. And, and yeah, so then I think that's probably well nick that seems smart that seems like self-care when because i'm sure you've been burned i know you know you're have had the past

that you've had in the spotlight and different things so it's going to attract certain certain circus and certain monkeys if you will so knowing that i think that's good self-care knowing that you have your guard up and you're you know making sure there's gates of entry to make sure people get past certain hoops to get into your space. I don't think that's a negative thing. I think that's practical. So for someone like myself, if you meet someone, you like them, you guys like each other, and you're just kind of aware of that. you meet someone you like them you guys like each other and you're just kind of aware of that and you're just like oh well you know you get to know the person and they talk about their childhood and how like you know they love their parents but yeah they didn't have the best relationship with

their dad and you're like oh shit did i attract you that way does that mean the relationship's doomed or how then once you identify why you might be there's an attraction there and i'm sure there's more to it what can you do with that information like Like, do you just be like, oh, well, we must break up because you don't really authentically like me. I'm just reminding you of like things that you're trying to find through your subconscious. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I think, no, I don't think there has to be. I mean, there might be red flags for someone who consistently says, you know, I have daddy issues and I'm not willing to explore those or excavate those with in therapy, or I'm not willing to, you know, deep dive and they seem totally unconscious. Yeah. Run for the hills.

You know, I would say that if they're not, if they haven't done the work and they're not willing to do the work and they're not aware that they would be projecting that onto you, I think that's self care and just say, you know what, this, I don't know if this is going to work out before it even gets off the ground. So you could gauge where they're at and what their level of awareness is. And so that that's a really good way to check things out. And I think if we're pulling in the same person over and over again, that's on us, right? That's something that we're doing that.

I had a moment of that myself back when I was dating, I kept pulling in the same emotionally unavailable person. And I was like, why does this keep happening? I'm like really working so hard in so many other areas. And then it really became the last stop Charlie on because I'm withholding from myself because I'm where I don't feel like I'm worthy. So I'm pulling in this person that keeps holding up the mirror. I'm not enough to keep playing that out for me over and over again. But you see, again, it's me taking responsibility. And I actually closed that loop. I think when we absolutely have that capacity, when we notice it, when we're aware of it,

when we acknowledge it, and then I was willing to let them go. Because again, my relationship to myself matters more than anything else. But that was at that time. And then I pulled in right after that. I met my husband. It totally didn't fit that profile at all. So we can heal ourselves and we can pull in a different animal, if you will. But it takes awareness and it takes dedication.

So there's that. Interesting. Does that help? Yeah, yeah. And then on the flip side, so many of us have a way of sabotaging our relationships. When we do find someone who might be a healthy option for us, why do we do that? And what are some ways to recognize that we might be doing it to avoid doing it in the moment? About sabotaging relationships? Yeah, kind of like, yeah, self-sabotage, you know.

Right. Doing the things that will prevent us from finding or reaching out to these people as opposed to attracting the wrong kind of people. Well, I think knowing that that's, I think we play the victim of these things where we say there's nobody good out there. We have all these narratives that we run. There's no good guys left. There's all these different phrases and things. And I think knowing that, no, it's me.

I'm the problem. I'm the common denominator here. What is it that I'm manifesting? What is it that I feel worthy of? What is it that I'm putting out there? What are my expectations? I've worked with so many women that truly are just, no, I'm ready for love, but he's just not showing up and those things. And it's like, no, somewhere you're not. Somewhere you're afraid. Somewhere it's not okay for you to step into that. Somewhere you're not ready. And that's okay, but let's just own it. Let's just sit in that for a second and let's figure out why, what happened, what didn't, what happened in the last relationship? Let's unpack that. Let's really mine that because it's juicy. It's good. There's clues there. And then we'll, you know, go into the subconscious. So there's a couple of ways,

but if you're doing this on your own, there's, there's something really potent about making a timeline and writing every single relationship you've had that's mattered to you on a, just like draw a straight line and then draw the dots of where those are and then write the characteristics of those relationships and then see how they're all similar. See, it's like doing a puzzle. The relationship's not even so much the partner, right? And like the dynamic of the relationship, how you guys fought, what you did. That's right.

What were the themes? What were the things you can do? This is like years of therapy that you can do for yourself in that moment. And then see which of those remind you of something from your childhood, something from your parent. And I guarantee you're going to see strains of your dad

or strains of mom. We all have that. It's not like that you're those girls you're pulling in of daddy. Most people do because we have unresolved issues and we think it can get fixed outside of us. So when you take responsibility and sit and make that list and see that on paper and you're like, geez, you know, there it is again and again and again. And so this is the part that I need to focus on. I need to focus whatever it is. Yeah.

Totally. And it's sometimes a weird, and I've thought about this. I talk about my childhood and I always say this. I had a great childhood, great parents. But we think about parenting and like it's not, there's no exact science behind parenting. And especially 20, 30 years ago, people were having kids younger, right? And they're mid to early 20s. They're still figuring their shit out and then like we take for granted that maybe even though while our parents are great overall we had great childhoods

once in a while they might have gotten something wrong and maybe kind of fucked us up a little bit little hard wire here a little bit of there maybe there's some catholic guilt and some shame and attributed that they passed down from their parents, et cetera, et cetera. And while we're generally happy and we have a great relationship with our parents, there's some shit we have to figure out or that is affecting our current relationships that we refuse to acknowledge because considering the possibility we didn't have these beautiful childhoods is something we're afraid to admit to ourselves. And I think that's very interesting for you to say, like sometimes just putting it out there or writing this down or making this line.

I love that you said that. It isn't suggesting that maybe like your parents were the monsters you didn't realize or anything like that. We all fuck, you know, God, parenting seems so scary when you're just like, because there is no playbook. There is no way to do it.

You know, there is no right way and different personalities. And yeah, it's kind of fascinating. Yeah. And sometimes we overcorrect, right? It's like, I'm not going to be my parent. And then you do this other, you swing far right, different way and do it that. So it really, there is no rhyme and reason. And again, I love how you pointed out, it doesn't mean we had these monstrosity childhoods. Do you know, it doesn't have to be that. It's also

not just what your parents parented, but it's what they modeled. It's how they modeled abundance. It's how they modeled productivity. It's how they modeled affection and love and safety. So it's not only what they said and how they tutored you, if you will, or mentored you through your childhood, but it's how they lived it, how they livedored you, if you will, or mentored you through your childhood, but it's how they lived it, how they lived their lives. That's what we're looking to. Those are the cues that we pick up more even than what was said over and over and over in the household. So that's a good look. And then also knowing that we carry ancestrally different burdens, you know, different through different messaging that gets passed on and

passed on and passed on. And you can go all the way back. So there's so many, you know, meditations you can do. I know this sounds way woo, but you could sit and do these meditations where you can literally have your ancestors line up in front of you and be like, I give you back this and have them turn around and have them give it back to their parent and then go back. You can see this chain going down. And I have had so many people do this and literally feel a weight lifted. Because these things matter. They seem like we're just imagining them. But we carry all these aspects within ourselves, our inner child, our subconscious, our conscious mind, our ego, our shadow self, the masks that we wear, our mind, body, spirit.

There's just so many aspects that make up what you see and what you feel, right? So it's knowing that some of them are more developed than others. Some of them are not in alignment with others. We talked about the subconscious and the conscious mind. The conscious mind wants something. The subconscious is like, no, it's not safe. We're not doing that. And so they're at odds with each other. So it's knowing that you're a complex system and being, and to have utmost compassion and just not coming at this like, oh, I've got to do self-development. But it's just like, oh, let me get curious. Let me get curious about me. Wow, look at me getting really reactive over here. So I think that's the part that you want to

bring the lens of curiosity, the lens of self-love. And I don't say that lightly. It truly is self-loving to be curious, to be present with your triggers, to know that you're responsible for everything you're feeling and all the choices you're making, that your subconscious is calling in. That's all you. That's all on you. So let's unpack it and let's do it gently. Let's do it swiftly and let's do it ruthlessly, but also compassionately. Ruthless and compassionate. They can coexist.

Totally. Yeah, this has been great. And just before, maybe we've already touched on it, but when you say, you said shadow self a couple of times and just for the people listening, because we've all heard of ego and things like that. But what do you mean by shadow self? Shadow is the part that we disown, the part that we want to hide completely, the parts of us that aren't desirable, you know, that we're angry, that we're judgmental, that we're greedy, that we're jealous, those are the parts that we push down into the basement. They can be things that happened in

childhood to also that we just shove down, I can't deal with it. And so that's tied to the mask that we wear, that is usually the opposite, like, wow, I'm so spiritual. Wow, I'm so giving. Wow, I'm so, so codependence is a great one where why I'm such a giver wow I do so much for everybody else wow and then underneath that seething cauldron in the basement of the shadow is you know I did this they owe me this yeah you know this is all of that you see how that that how it could be two things the mask looks so helpful and loving and, and underneath that is selfish, demanding, wanting to control and manage other people and their decisions,

feeling like, you know, what's best. It's so lack of humility. So anyway, I hear it a lot. So it's like, Oh,

I'm such a giver. And I'm always giving this to my, these guys I'm dating and they never want to give it back, you know? And it always, they always leave me. And I hear that a lot. And we do that a lot. And we, it's, I'm glad that you pointed that out. Because you're not giving from overflow.

You're giving from lack. You're giving from a place of need and want and demand of return. So you're tallying all of it. That is codependent. You know, that is a place of, um, that's a bottomless pit and never gets solved that way. So you want to give from overflow.

So that means you're tending to your needs. You're taking care of yourself. You're doing all the things you need to do to be happy and joyous and free all those points. And then you're giving from that place. And if you can't just opt out, I don't have it in me. You can't do it. Sorry. So setting boundaries, it's saying no when you mean it, those things. Interesting. So, and just kind of sum it all up. It sounds like a lot of what you're doing is in kind of an adult state when needed, almost

kind of reprogramming some of the hardwiring that we did when we were younger and living in that theta state and developing all these kind of out of body kind of thoughts and kind of breaking it down because maybe some of that hardwiring wasn't wired properly and we might have to reassess. And then in a way in our adulthood, we can tap into that so that we can maybe, you know, be more content as you say, and hopefully happy, you know, that's a moving scale. Nick, you're such a good listener. Thanks. I don't, you know, I'm good at talking,

but sometimes I'll surprise people. No. Yeah. You're fully absorbing all that's well, well summed. Yes. Yes. Well, this is really that's well, well summed. Yes. Yes. Well, this is really great. And I really appreciate you sharing. And I know that people listening will really enjoy and appreciate it. Where can people find you if they want to learn more about what you're doing or even work with you? The best place to reach you where I'm most current is on Instagram. I'm at Ryan Hadden coach. You can find everything there. Okay. And then you do like, you can, you work with people digitally, like if they were interested in working with you. I do. I work with people. Yeah. One-on-one I do group coaching. I'm

doing a course right now. I'm so excited about it's the second time this year. It's called the relationship triumvirate and it's everything we just talked about. It's relationship to self, you know, module on that relationship to others and relationship to something greater. So really unpacking those three, you know, dynamics and letting go of anything that's not, you know, for the highest in any of those three and really developing those out. So we do that in three modules over six weeks and it starts end of October. So I'm excited about that one. And then, you know, I'm excited about that one. And then,

you know, I write for PUSH. I'm their in-house life coach, which is Courtney Kardashian's website. So I write all of their articles there. And there's a lot of things on things we touched on today, radical acceptance and emotional unavailability, being woke in relationships, manifesting a partner. And so all those. I love it. Interesting. Do you hypnotize people like via zoom is that a thing i do yeah it works it's it's amazing i just did this morning right before i jumped on this call client bridging hypnosis yeah no it's actually helps people because they're in their own homes they're comfortable whereas you come into a doctor's office you're sitting in a doctor's chair or um you know a hypnotherapist chair it's like you already office, you're sitting in a doctor's chair or a hypnotherapist's chair.

It's like you already feel like you're out of your elements. Have you ever hypnotized someone on air or on a podcast format? No. Why? You want to be hypnotized, Nick? I don't know. Maybe. Do I? I don't know. I think that would be awesome. I know. You could.

Let's just clean things up down in the basement down there and get you right with where you want to be at this point in your life. Sure, anytime. Yeah, maybe. We'll see. Okay. You have to be open to it so you can accept it so that you can fall into that state. I don't know.

I want to try it just because I know, again, it wasn't a one-on-one. It was a group thing. I guess you could consider me a bit of a cynic or non-believer in it I believe it I'm not like I know clearly there is a science behind it I just I can't grasp my brain around being hypnotized and I guess there is a resistance there that it does fascinate me and would like to to try it yeah I think knowing that you're in hypnosis throughout your day, more than you know, you dropping into it and that it's the degree to which you allow yourself to. And then

I have certain hypnosis inductions that I use for people that have really busy minds. So I'm like, here, give this to the conscious mind to ruminate over it. I'm just going to be working over here with the subconscious. And what's so nice about one-on-one versus a group is that it's your language. It's tailored to you. It's what what you specifically want it's words that resonate to you so we're coming up with that together and then it just makes the subconscious more receptive because it's familiar we'll have to try it sometime we'll see what yeah well then we'll record it and then i'll be like guys sorry i said too much i can't I can't put this out in the world. Well, Ryan, thank you so much.

It's been a ton of fun. I really appreciate you taking the time. And I know people will find this helpful. And for those of you listening, I hope you enjoyed it. Don't forget to rate us five stars on iTunes. And send your questions at asknicacastme.comcom cast with a k and if there is nothing else we will see you on monday