The Viall Files - E192 Ask Nick - He's Like A Frozen Pizza

Episode Date: November 2, 2020

Today on Ask Nick, we first speak with someone who is struggling with maintaining her independence while in a relationship she loves, then a driven girlfriend is trying to figure out a way to support her boyfriend who’s career is making him miserable and putting stress on their relationship. Next we chaat with someone who can not help herself from stalking exes on social media and is trying to figure out why she wastes so much time in her day doing this, and finally a woman who is stuck between a relationship with a long time friend turned romantic and an ex whom she broke up with solely because of the distance. Should she not entertain either option or take the time to figure out who would make her happier and why is she just avoiding making a decision?  “It’s like he is a leftover in the fridge, it’s not what I prefer to eat, but it will fill me up. ” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: ShipStation: http://shipstation.com enter offer code VIALL for 60 days free. BlendJet: http://www.blendjet.com/VIALL to save an extra 12%. Masterclass: http://www.masterclass.com/VIALL for 15% off. Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what is going on everybody happy november what's happening uh big week presidential election is upon us i hope you guys are voting are you happy happy it's almost over? I don't know. I know. It's not going to be over for a long time. I don't know. Just thanks for tuning in. Hopefully this is a mental break

from whatever is going on in the world. But go vote, people. Please, please go vote. Please vote. We have a great episode for you. A lot of people couldn't figure their shit out on their own,

so they called me up and I solved their problems. It was great. We also have a fun little new merch product for you. I'm calling them breakup books. Breakup books. They are books that have some slogans that I've said throughout the show. It's like it's not love, it's toxic stimulation.

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um we have a great week for you uh fun recap uh taisha is upon us so we'll be breaking taisha's arrival along with uh teddy mellencamp on wednesday a fun interview with with teddy and uh she was a delight and uh i think you will really love and enjoy that episode. So thanks for tuning in with us this week. Don't forget to rate us five stars. Give us a review. Subscribe if you're tuning in for the first time. We appreciate it.

And without further ado, shall we get to our callers? Let's do it. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Good. How are you?

Good. What's your name? I'm Catherine. Hi, Catherine. How old are you? I'm 25. Awesome. How can i help um so i got into

a relationship um in january so we started dating then um and uh obviously the the world decided to um do certain things and so we've been dating for all of quarantine and it's been really great he's been really um supportive um to me in a lot of different like areas and facets of, you know, life. And what I'm finding is that before I was dating him, I was a very independent person. I felt if I wanted to go somewhere, I'd go there. If I wanted to do something, I'd do it. But now that I'm in a relationship, it feels weird to do things on my own. I want to bring him along for everything that I'm doing, but sometimes it feels weird if like our schedules don't line up for me to do it on my own. So I guess I'm asking what, like how to kind of maintain your kind of independent,

like how I was independent before before but still be in a relationship um is this like a you problem or is he making you feel a certain way um it's it's more of a me problem he doesn't ever really kind of control anything that's going on in my life uh he's he's very open to me doing whatever feels right um but it is more uh since january so like almost 10 months and like how many serious relationships have you had before that um not many honestly the last one i had was uh like six years ago um and i've dated people since but never anything yeah so i mean this is really just you adjusting to your new reality right yeah um how do you do it i mean it doesn't know i don't know if you have to do anything different you're just kind of you're not used to this right and it

sounds like maybe you really like this guy you want to make it work and there's all these kind of perceptions of how people should be or shouldn't be in a relationship right you want to bring them along and then sometimes i don't know if this is how you feel, they feel guilty for wanting to do things on their own. Well, if I want to do things on my own, does that mean I don't like them as much? Does it mean this? Does it mean that? I don't know if you feel stuff like that when you want to do stuff on your own. Yeah, sometimes, yeah, because there's certain things that I like to do

that he doesn't like to do that he doesn't like to do great um and so we have we have different we have a lot of similarities a lot of similar kind of likes and dislikes but um but there are things that i like that he doesn't and so to kind of be able to go off and do them like i like to travel granted right now it's not very easy to do that but um but traveling on your own, especially when you have a significant other, feels a little weird. Yeah, that's unique, right? Do you want to travel? So to be clear, minus the pandemic,

you would prefer sometimes even in a relationship to still travel on your own. Yeah. You would? Okay. Yeah. ship to still travel on your own or yeah you would okay yeah because i mean so i've i've traveled with people before and unless i don't sometimes you travel with people and it's like a bad travel match like you want to do things differently than other people do sure you know just you know normal things and so i found that traveling alone is very freeing and kind of exciting and fun. Well, that's great.

And there's no reason that when you're in a relationship, you have to give that up. Right. That being said, if your boyfriend's like, hey, I'd love to go on a trip with you sometime. You should want to also do that. Right. Okay. Yeah. You can have both.

Right. Maybe there's a balance. Maybe you still travel them a little bit more than you travel alone. You should want to also do that, right? Right, okay, yeah. You can have both, right? Maybe there's a balance. Maybe you still travel them a little bit more than you travel alone, but as long as you're still early in the relationship, you're getting to know each other, if you have unique things about yourself that you know are maybe not as commonly accepted, that doesn't mean they're wrong just

means they're unique and this means that the person you're dating has to understand your uniqueness and accept it which is part of fighting someone who is is worth your time to be in a long-term relationship right and you're still figuring out if this guy is just some guy you really like right now or is he someone you can really like for a really long time or maybe forever because he makes you feel accepted for your uniqueness right yeah and i don't think it's also that's and i'm not speaking about the traveling alone because that is unique but like having independence is not unique it's good that you guys like different things it's good that he has his own hobbies and interests that don't involve you

and sometimes it's good in a relationship to combine those at times yeah but it doesn't mean you have to combine everything you know you're like it doesn't matter how much you love someone you always get sick of them sometimes. It's nice to have things you like to do without them so that you have something to do when you're kind of feeling sick of each other. It's normal. And for you, maybe you can go on a trip. Sometimes people could get nervous while you're going on a trip. They'll have a lot of questions.

It's not that it's wrong. They're just not used to it. Right? Okay. Yeah. So great time, you know, to communicate is early on, you know you know talk about these things have you brought this stuff up to him um somewhat uh because we do have different hobbies so we've spent time apart and it feels weird whenever those things come up at least on my end whenever he's doing them and so i feel like he would feel weird whenever if i brought them up

don't assume yeah you i mean, don't make assumptions. Just because if something feels weird, it's a good opportunity to check in. Hey, I was feeling this way. What do you think? Don't assume it's wrong. Just ask. You know, every relationship is different. But yeah, people make the mistake of when something feels off, they just make assumptions

for what they think their partner is going to feel and say, and they don't bring it up. It's like, that's insane. Why would you do that? How do you know how they're going to react? Find out. Hey, this seems weird to me. Am I off? Am I weird?

How do you feel about it? How would you react? I know this is probably different but like i still i do like to travel alone like i is it okay i mean i want to do this and i can appreciate why you might think that's unique or weird but you know i'm not cheating on you or whatever there's a freeing thing i also want to travel with you but what do you think how does that make you feel? People don't ask early in a relationship how things make them feel when things aren't a problem. Yeah.

Okay, that's fair. Yeah, because, I mean, yeah, things aren't a problem, like, yet. It's still great an opportunity to ask them how things make them feel. You know, if I did this, how would that make you feel? You know? Cool. Yeah. But it sounds like everything's fine do you know just you're you're also getting used to having a boyfriend for the first time in a while

yeah that's true that's the the social kind of uh norms are different as well like i feel also a little weird like hanging out with my friends with him i I prefer to do that by myself. And I know that that's also kind of weird. No, no, it's not. No, and there's no, you should want to do both. Yeah. I definitely want to hang out with my guy friends without my girlfriend from time to time. And it's also nice to know that my friends like my girlfriend

it's nice to know that she can connect with him but it's also nice to like have her not around right there's nothing wrong with it that's all about having a balance because yeah because the on the other coin like he whenever he's saying it with his friends he always brings me along so i feel weird for having like the different like opinion of like well no they're like my friends i want to i don't get to see them that often anymore and so that's again it's it's a subtlety right like don't be so territorial with your friends again have both like he's always bringing you around his friends that's nice that he does that but he doesn't always have to sometimes be like go hell your friends go ahead with your boys or whatever

they are i'm okay go just spend some time i'm not you don't i don't i don't care who he is i guarantee you he also would appreciate some maybe not yet maybe he's still in the honeymoon thing and it sounds like you're a little bit more of a heady person who likes to worry about problems that don't exist yet and maybe he's a little more carefree you know but i guarantee you he is going to want to do that he's just he wants right now his he's more thinking well it's just a priority for me for my friends to like my girlfriend i want my girlfriend to feel like i'm including her he's making that a It doesn't mean he appreciates quality time alone with his friends. Okay. That's fair. Right. So you guys are still figuring it out. A little bit of both is always a good thing. Don't feel guilty for hanging out with your friends, but don't be so territorial that you're

like, these are my friends and you don't get to have those friends. That's weird. Right. You know, and that would make him feel like, why are you hiding? You know, why do you never want to bring me around? Yeah. That's, you shouldn't, don't be so territorial. Just talk to him. See if he is a good listener. See if he is, tries to empathize with how you feel

without making you feel judged just because it might be different than his and see if you guys can work through it. But to have some balance try to have a little bit of it all okay yeah i think that's that's good advice all right thank you awesome well best of luck thanks all right take care did you ever think that you could have timberland teach you how to produce beats make songs i know i never thought that was possible, but it is with Masterclass. Also, did you ever think Samuel L. Jackson

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Hi. Thanks for having me. What's your name? My name is Marie, and I'm 26. How can I help, Marie? Hi. So I have a pretty non-sexy question, but it's really come up in my life since moving in with my boyfriend. We've been

together seven years and long story short, and I can give you more details, but he hates his job. Absolutely hates it. So Monday through Friday, I feel like he's just one person, like one grump, if you will. And then on the weekends, I love him. He's like the perfect boyfriend. We've been together seven years. But I guess my question is just, is this, I would prefer that he has a job that he doesn't, that he loves, but doesn't get paid as much. And then we could just live in a shack. But I, I value happiness over money, whereas he's the opposite. So is this something that we can get over? Or are we just never going to see eye to eye on this topic?

And then we're just doomed. What's he do? He's an accountant. And when we first met, he wanted to be a PE teacher and a baseball coach. So that's very passion driven. Not very many people go into those fields for the money. a PE teacher and a baseball coach. So that's like very passion driven, you know, not very many people go into those fields for the money. But then he got a business degree and just went the accounting route because it's really practical and it's a secure job and you can make good money.

But I mean, I just feel like it's sucking the life out of him. When I was 22, I had an accounting degree and an accounting job. And I too wanted to be a PE teacher. Really? Yeah. So I too wanted to be a PE teacher. Really? Yeah, so I can relate to that. So wait, so he's miserable, but he has no, he doesn't want to leave his job? Like, I guess, help me, he's like,

he hasn't brought up the possibility of leaving or being this you know he's he's how old now 26 27 yes yep he's 26 as well so he goes through phases when the job gets really really tough like they have a bunch of audits and it's tax season sure uh he is just miserable for those months talks about how he wants a different job and as soon as you know he's done with this client like that'll be be the end. And then just like, never ends. It just keeps going, just keep staying with it. Mostly, I would say for the money, which I can appreciate, but we have savings, we don't have any debt, we are very lucky, we don't have any student loans. So it's not like it's do or die, like we need this money. I feel like now's the time in life where he could explore different passions of his.

And he definitely talks about it, but now it's been four years. And I guess it's highlighted now because we just moved in together. So seven years together, but we finally are able to live in the same apartment. And so I just see him now seven days a week and Monday through Friday, it's very different than the weekend. Yeah, that makes sense. And like how much of a conversation have you had with him? Like have you, are you just kind of seeing this behavior and now you're talking to us? Or have you been like, hey, you're a different person Monday through Friday?

Yeah, yeah, we definitely talked about it. And he's very practical. And I think he thinks, cause I love my job. I don't get paid very much, but I love it. And like I said, I'd rather,

you know, have a little money, but be happy. So I think he thinks a little bit, I live in this like fairy tale world where everybody like loves their job and everybody can have a job that they're passionate about. And he's just more practical than that. so let me ask you this does he hate his job or does he hate parts of his job that's a good question um he he's just not passionate i mean who's

passionate about accounting but some people okay well he's not one of those people you know him either so yeah he hates his job but he just thinks everybody hates their job. Well, no, everyone doesn't hate their job. Right. Some people, yeah, but there is, as you are pointing out, sometimes there are jobs where, yeah, you make a little bit more money because, as you were kind of pointing out, the average person doesn't do it out of excitement or whatever. You can debate certain industries and if they're compensated enough. But, yeah, I mean, he is, like you said,

valuing money over a day-to-day excitement. You're right. He would probably be a PE coach if he made as much doing that as accounting. Definitely. So would a lot of people, probably. And then my head goes to, because I grew up with two parents who loved their jobs, and I grew up seeing that. And for me, I think, cause I grew up with two parents who love their jobs. And I just, I grew up seeing that. And for me,

I think like down the road, we want to have kids and I don't want to have my kids have a dad who like comes home and is like to drain from the work day to like interact with the kids or just like, he's putting everything into the job and it's draining him. And then it's like, okay, now you have,

I have a father of my future children. Is he happy? So does he think he's happy no he definitely knows that this he even said am i just gonna be miserable for the rest of my life okay like no so yeah listen it and it sounds like you're doing the right things my advice to you is you know in this situation, give him the confidence to feel like he can take a risk, you know, support him in his passions and dreams. It sounds like you are doing all those things. Now, I don't know if he still wants to be a PE teacher and a coach. That was four or five years ago. Maybe it's something else. Right. For me, right. For me, when I was telling you that story about myself,

I am also money motivated. So at that time where I just fucking hated my first job, I was an auditor. It was fucking miserable. And the first thing that came to mind kind of fresh out of college was, well, I do like coaching. I like working with people. I'll be a teacher. I like helping people out. And then I was just like, well, I'm going to be honest with people. I'll be a teacher. I like helping people out. And then I was just like, well, I'm going to be honest with myself. While I think that would be fun and I think I would like that, I am also really money motivated. And I don't know if being a teacher, while fun and I would be passionate about it,

is also going to make me feel fulfilled as well. There's other, you know, you don't want to, you know, people who say, well well they're money motivated it sounds shallow or sounds like you know like the way you describe i just want to be happy and fulfilled and and have a passion for my job and i don't care how much that sounds so noble and great right but people have a right to like uh be money motivated make them it makes them feel fulfilled that's you know and you can't necessarily discount that so what i'm saying maybe for your boyfriend it doesn't have to be one or the other stop having him talking to these black and white it's not being a teacher or being a accountant there's a million jobs out there and maybe he you keep doing what you're doing and

really sit down with them and say like listen you you're not happy. And we aren't married. We don't have kids. We still have a ton of flexibility and freedoms in our lives. And I support you in trying to figure out maybe doing something else. You're an accountant. You can always be an accountant you can leave this industry and while you might take a slight step back in his career his career path and i don't know if he's working for like a firm or he's on track to be a partner you know he he can make up for lost time he can leave the accounting industry for a year or two and try something else and say hey i shot my shot i tried this but you know what i I missed accounting. I missed the passion. And he could like to his next employer. And maybe that costs him three or four years on the partner track. But what the fuck's the difference between making partner at 32 and

making partner at 37? Not much in the grand scheme of things. That's a really good point. It's a little bit of money, right? But at least now he knows maybe he'll appreciate accounting a little bit more. I don't know. But you're right. Now is the time for him to take some risks. And it sounds like, again, you're doing the right thing. Just make him feel like you support him and do this as a team. And in the meantime, you guys are making maybe a little less money in the short term. That's fine.

In the grand scheme of things, you have to balance all the things that make you happy. If money is one of them, that's great. But as your boyfriend is realizing, it's not everything. He has to find something that he feels fulfilled at all aspects of the things that he values. And if making money is one of them, he needs to be feeling fulfilled in other aspects because he's right. He will burn out. He will be miserable. And eventually he won't prioritize this money. And he just doesn't know the difference because he's so afraid to make less money. And yeah, so just make him, try to make him feel as confident as possible.

Sometimes you're going to have to check him and say, you got to stop complaining. You need to do something about it. Let's do this together. I support you. And if you want to be an accountant, great, but like stop bitching about it. You know, he has the right to get stressed. I mean, every job he's going to get, you're going to get stressed. Like, you know, and some people have that job where it's like, I love what I do. And like, that's not everyone. That's not most most people so he does have the right to be stressed from time to time regardless of whatever he's doing and you're just going to have to let him

be pissed off sometimes you know and he's not going to be your parents and he's not you and so sometimes that might happen and if he is an accountant they have their it's it can be seasonal especially if he's a tax accountant I don't know if that's what he is. But if he's doing audits, there are going to be high stress points. So he might, you know, those things you might just have to adapt to. Right, yeah. But if he is just like, I hate my job and there's a million things I'd rather do, then say like, well, then do something about it. So I think you need to maybe figure it out and better understand his job

and what he really wants. Because he might sit down and be like, babe, I know I complain about it a lot. I know there's times I hate my job, but I ultimately like what I do and I want to keep doing it. And then you two need to figure out, okay, fine. Now I understand. But when it is stressful, how can I help you? Or what can I do? Because you are a different person Monday through Friday. And while I want to be empathetic to your stresses, that's not fair to me four months out of the year living with a tear. Ladies, do you want something that's compact, lightweight, but powerful? Oh, I like the sound of that. I know you do. Well, Blendjet is here to meet your blending needs. Yay, a blender.

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and ice. And the Blendjet just... And then you can just grab it and go. Grab it and go. Blendjet.com slash V-i-a-l-l yes yeah that's a great point and i love what you said about like we could go we could take that risk and he could try a different job and you can always go back to being an account can

always go back they're always hiring accountants yeah that's such a like i feel like a no-brainer but i'd never really thought about it like it's not just like a one or another thing like you can go explore and you can always come back yeah yeah he just has to be able to sell it to another employee hey listen i i wanted to try this and i realized i missed accounting and listen he and he might there might be a couple employers we're like well i don't like that but someone will. He'll be fine. If he's a hard worker and if he's dedicated, he will get back on track or whatever it is. And then for all the people who are your age or 23, 24, 27, 30, 31, don't be afraid to take those risks. You'll figure it out. Bet on yourself. If you are a hard worker, if you are money motivated, you will find a way to make money. And it sounds like he is a hard worker, if you are money motivated, you will find a way to make

money. And it sounds like he is a hard worker and it sounds like all these things. So I'm not worried about your boyfriend figuring it out. It just might not happen at an age or a timeline that he told himself he was going to do at 22. But at 35 and 37, he's going to want to be at a place where he is feeling more fulfilled and it's more than just money. Right. Yeah. Well, that's great. That's really helpful.

And even in the most like perfect job, I'm not like delusional. I know that there's ups and downs and there's frustrations. I just want at the end of the day to him to be passionate about it. Well, that's the thing you need to be careful about. You can't expect him to be as passionate about anything as you are about that's the thing you need to be careful about you can't expect him to be as passionate about anything as you are about the things that you're doing yeah that's true that's true don't make that mistake to you know that's how you value those things not him you know like

yeah yeah yeah you're right that's not fair like you should love what you do as much as i what huh like no like again he's dupe he's prioritizing different things you don't relate to being as money motivated as he does that doesn't mean that's wrong for him to like that yeah yeah thank you for checking me that's true that's good all Well, best of luck. Thank you. I appreciate it. Thank you for your help. All right. Take care. How's it going? Hi. Thanks for having me on. My name is Jill and I am 34 years old. Hi, Jill. Hi. So I have a question for you. So I'm Jill. I have a question for you. So I'm Jill.

I'm 34, like I said. And I am an ex-stalker on social media. You're a what? I am an ex-stalker on social media. Like you used to stalk people and now you don't? No, like I stalk my ex-boyfriends on social media. Gotcha. Okay. Got it?

So you currently do this to people you've formed? Okay. Gotcha. Okay. So you currently do this to people. Okay. Yeah. I currently stalk ex-boyfriends. Okay. Okay. And so I don't think I'm alone in this. And I just kind of wanted your perspective on why you think women do this, why I do it personally. A little about me. I have been single for about three years. Prior to that, I was in a string of relationships. Some were serious, some weren't. And for me personally, I guess like sort of around like that Perry 30 ish when there's like pressure to get married or do the other thing, I decided to do the other thing. And so i don't know if that's why i do it because i'm stalking people that chose the alternative or i could have chosen that alternative or what but i don't know are these relationships that you're ending they're ending

combination of both combination but mostly i'm ending mostly you're ending yeah uh oh yeah i'm ending them i am ending them okay and then then after you end them you like to check in on them to see like if their life is going better or worse without you i don't know like i'm just like oh i wonder what they're up to i never talk to them anymore maybe i should take a look and then i check in and i'm like okay cool that's what they're doing great i don't talk to them i don't well how bad is this like i mean have i like you know some girl i dated briefly or whatever pops in my head i'm like just check in. That's pretty hot.

Great. Oh, she's dating someone. Have I done that? Sure. I don't do it. That's what I do. Yeah.

But I don't do it at the point where it's like, I feel like it's a thing or an issue or an obsession or on a regular basis, or it's, uh, I'm not reacting in a way. Like, so is this something that you intermittently do from time to time or, or you feel like it's kind of a problem?

I feel like it's gotten to be more of an issue during lockdown. Okay. So you're bored. That's what I think. Yeah. She said, I think she, I think you said in your, in your message that you're like, it's like waste. You're like wasting 20 minutes of your life a day doing this. Exactly. So then I'm like like why the f am i doing this i'm sitting here i'm looking at these pictures this doesn't pertain to my life anymore but then i'm like i could have been doing something else for like these last 20 minutes

and i get really pissed off at myself like okay well welcome to 2020 i mean yeah we all waste time i mean i get that every sunday i get this report from my phone. I'll be like, you spend this many hours a day on your phone. I'm like, fuck, there's no way that was all productive. Now, granted, I use my phone a lot for work, as you could say. I mean, yeah, you're bored. Why you do it? Why do people do it? If it becomes like when it's specific about an ex and you're heartbroken,

there's a lot of ego there people want to feel like they if if it's you who made the decision you know there's a party that wants to make you feel like you made the right decision you know if you are detached and you feel like you're just always ending relationships you don't know why and you know i don't know maybe there's something there you need to explore through therapy or maybe you're just unkind of happy with your life or you feel a bit lost right you're you know it could be a million reasons why or maybe you're just a little bored and there's nothing on netflix and you're like i wonder what rick's doing yeah that kind of sounds like what's going on you know it's fine yeah so what do you think about then so well maybe it is boredom but i have friends that are like older than me i have friends that are married that are married with kids

that are like you know completely removed and are still stalking their high school boyfriends they tell me bored they're bored you think it's all bored especially if they're married with kids i mean no i mean listen i marriage kids all wonderful things but you know the average one is a little bit redundant and repetitive and i can only assume how stressful it might be to have kids and as much as you might love your husband and wife you know it's the same fucking person and you're just like curious you know and why do you do it why do i don't know because you're just like just because you break up with someone especially depends on you know i'm not all that curious about my one x i follow on instagram so i get updates you know uh other x's i really don't think of them much but i guess from time to time

i'm like i wonder what they're doing you know because there was a time in my life I cared about them. That's fine. It's not an obsession. I don't do it on a regular basis. There's nothing wrong with wondering how people are doing who were once a part of your life. And then you just have to decide like how much of this is an issue because every having a curiosity about people who are part of

your life is there's nothing wrong with that you know are you looking up your ex-boyfriend and like masturbating thinking about him and like you're doing on a weekly basis that's and you're married with kids maybe that's a problem i mean you know so i guess it's just a spectrum of uh of of how much is this overtaking your life but but a little bit of boredom. And the internet gives us incredible access to things that we didn't have before five, 10 years ago. And that's kind of why we do it, because it's there.

It's the equivalent of like, why do we eat cookies? It's like you go to a grocery shop and you have the willpower not to buy it. But if someone's going to bring home some cookies and throw them on your counter, well, fuck it. I guess I'll eat it. It's just there. It's so easy.

It's so accessible, you know? Yeah. And part of it is that. Part of it is it's so accessible. So it's not as pathologic as I think. Well, again, that all depends. No, it's not like that at a baseline yeah people checking in on people that were once part of our lives is I think a normal thing if it is an

obsession if you are like going real deep and then stalking the people that they are dating and really going into it and go and you know way too much about their life, then the occasional like pop on their page, look for a couple minutes, you're like, neat. And then you leave and then you don't think much of it. That's fine. But if you are deep stalking, if you are knowing too much, if it is changing your mood, if you're constantly thinking about it after you leave their page and obsessing over this person's decisions that aren't a part of your life, that's maybe too much. Okay. Can I ask another? Wait, I have another question then. Sure. What do you think about pre-stalking? If you meet somebody on a dating app, should you pre-stalk them?

Pre-stalking. If you meet somebody on a dating app, should you pre-stalk them? Sure. Yeah. Stalking such has an aggressive word. But like, if you meet someone on a dating app,

of course you should take a look. Every dating app nowadays is linked to their Instagram anyways. It's just insanity not to like take at least a quick preview. Wow. Okay. What do you think? You think what?

Go in cold turkey? No. Yeah. I thought that's what you're going to say. Like, give them a chance. Like let them show you who they are. I don't think you should go in there, look at their page and make grand assumptions about their character just because like they posted a picture with their friend's dog or they like have a shirtless selfie, you know, a shirtless selfie is kind of a douchey thing to do doesn't mean they're a douche are they are they in on the joke are they self-aware or do they take themselves really seriously i don't know you'll find that out on a date you know so the shirtless selfie guy yeah you know does he do it because he knows people like There's so many variables, yes. Don't judge their character

and know that you know how they are, but maybe get a little bit of information. Okay, so don't stalk their brothers and sisters, just stalk them. Before a date? Yeah. Yeah, that's maybe a little too much. Okay, got it.

God, I really hope no offense to my brothers or sisters, but I hope no one decides they're going on a date with me because they're looking at my brother or sister's pages. It's really easy to go in a rabbit hole, down the rabbit hole. Fine, but like, I mean, brothers and sisters, like you can love your brother and sister and be completely different people and have completely different views on life.

And you can be different religions, have different political beliefs. Yeah. You know? You could, but you can also just be like, oh, maybe they're just posting their best pictures of themselves on their page. I want to see what they actually look like. Let me see what one of their friends look like. Well, if you're talking about how they look, fine.

Sure. But like, you know, go get a drink. Or go on Zoom. It's a pandemic. I don't know. Yeah. Cool. Yeah.

I can't tell if you're just like curious or like. She also like wrote that you just basically are looking up these people because you're trying to reassure yourself that you made the right decision. Yeah. And you're getting rid of them. Well, yeah. Well, that's where we're going back to. Maybe there's something inside you

that is not giving people a chance and you're ending relationships for some reason, maybe because you have a fear of abandonment or what, I don't know. But you are leaving relationships or not giving people a chance for no real reason. And then you're asking yourself and second guessing it. And now you're trying to validate your decision by finding out if they're

better or worse off without you. That's true for sure. So like, if that's the case, then look into that maybe through therapy, you know, maybe. Um,

and yeah, you know, there's, it sounds like there may be there's something more because you're like, you're wondering. No, it's really it. It's just like really annoying. And sometimes like when I waste so much time and then, but it is, you know what it kind

of is, is it kind of makes me feel like a bad person when I do it. And I'm like, that was so stupid. Why did you do that? Like, why leave them, leave them alone. Leave that person alone. That's what I feel like. After people, you end the relationship. Well, what are you doing? No, when I stopped them, I'm like, leave them alone. Leave that person alone. That's what I feel like. After people you end the relationship? Well, what are you doing?

Yeah. No, when I stop them, I'm like, leave them alone. They're happy. Like, you don't need to stop them anymore. Leave them alone. Like, it makes me feel bad about myself a little bit. Like, I'm a jerk. Sure.

Well, you're judging yourself by trying to judge them. Because ultimately, you're looking at them to make yourself feel better or worse about your own decisions. Right. So look into that. Okay. I will. Yeah. You're, you're, you're, you're struggling with something about your decisions that you make when it comes to your love life. I don't know what they are, but it sounds like you're avoiding connecting with people. Um, Hmm. That's interesting. You might be right. I'm kind of guessing based off the information that I have, but you're definitely second guessing yourself.

I don't know why. Yeah, I don't know either. I think so though. I think you're right. Have you ever gotten therapy? Yeah, not for a while, but yeah. Give it a shot. Try it out again. You know? Yeah, maybe I will. That sounds like a good idea. What are your biggest challenges in your dating life

right now? My biggest challenges in my dating life? I don't know. I mean, this like pandemic is kind of hard to date in a little bit. It's still pretty fun though. You can still find ways to date people. I just think that it's like hard to, when you are like, have gotten, when you've sort of like created a really nice life for yourself and you have made all of that stuff for, you know, you've created your own life as like an independent person into your mid thirties.

It's kind of hard to see if you can fit somebody else in. And if you're willing to give up everything you've created for yourself to make room for someone else, are they worth it? And are they going to take away from it? Well, worth it is kind of a tricky way to describe it. You know, they're just a person. It's not like they have some sort of... Worth it is whether you like them or not, you know?

And are they going to take away from it? I don't know. Find someone who appreciates all the things that you've built for yourself and doesn't ask you to stop being you. Right. Yes, that's true. Yeah. I think there's like an expectation i i don't know how to word it i don't want to like come off rude so i don't know how to give it a shot it's just like hard to find somebody that's like your equivalent and what is that to you in terms of like you know um in terms of like somebody that is on your like intellectual level like in terms of taking care of themselves in terms of financially secure like i don't want to like get involved with i don't want to be like supporting somebody in those ways which i've done in the past and i don't want to

do it again well and it's hard any of people who are like semi-intelligent who aren't broke and just because you've decided to date dumb people without jobs doesn't mean i haven't done that you know like i'm just saying like there's plenty of people out there like the qualifications you just listed like there's a lot of people okay right so look for those characteristics and again i don't know know, like I know you're afraid of like sounding shallow or rude, but like, yeah, they don't have to make as much as you, you know, I don't know how successful you are. They just have to be self-sufficient. So like maybe ease off on like what that means, you know, or, or not. I don't know if you want someone wealthy, then I guess prioritize that. Again, there's other people who are wealthy. If

you want someone who takes care of themselves, like showers don't know like again these are things i think there's there's what do you what do you what are you afraid people don't like about you um that that people don't like about me um maybe that i am too uh decisive and too decisive about like, no, I'm not into that. Okay, bye. I probably- I don't believe that. Why? No, I believe that you do that, but I don't believe that's your biggest insecurity of what you worry about people not liking about you. Because that came across as I'm a perfectionist. No, that's true. But I'm definitely, I think that I intimidate a lot of people. I think that's because that came across as I'm a perfectionist. No, that's true.

But I'm definitely definitely I think that I intimidate a lot of people. I think I intimidate a lot of guys. Okay. All right. I just think you have there's something about you that you push people away and there's a reason why. And that reason has something to do with what you're afraid that they're going to think of you and you mask it by like making it seem like you have a problem with everyone else you like being in control

yeah you got it so you've got to work that issue out because if you don't you'll just keep liking people that you don't feel like are your equivalent and feel disconnected to them and feel disconnected to them. You, you have to, you got it. You have to risk being hurt. You know,

like that's the only way you're going to really find someone that you think is you say you're equal. Yeah. You have to be willing to be vulnerable and have to, you know, because you're not going to respect anyone. If, if, if you know that that's,

you got to trust a little bit and you'll get it right if you're willing to do that eventually. You're right. Yeah. Cool. Glad we were able to work through that. Yeah, that was like, you got it. So next time, you know, when you get therapists, just plan this for, you know, you can skip like a few sessions.

Okay. But you still probably need, you probably still need some therapy to work through this i'm gonna just bring this recording i feel like we've identified the real problem and not just yeah you stalk people and waste 10 minutes a day that's why i do it you're right and you yeah i think that you like maybe you should just you know just open your own office and give people there. Okay, I got a podcast. All right. I'm just a guy with an opinion. Yeah.

All right, well, best of luck. Thanks so much, guys. All right, take care. All right, have a good one. Bye. Bye-bye. How's it going? Good, how are you?

Good, what's your name? Taylor. I am 27, and I'm from Wisconsin. So hello. Hi, nice to meet you, Taylor from Wisconsin. I'm 27. How can I help? So I guess I'm the big question is kind of having to do with getting together with an ex when you broke up for not like difficult reasons in comparison to a new person. So short version of a long story is one boy I've known since I was 14, super classic. He worked for my uncle and we met and have kind of been friends and had crushes on each other my whole life.

But we always lived like seven hours apart. And about maybe like last, almost a year ago, I guess, he kind of reached out and said, you know, I know we always kind of talked and had a thing and it was never the right time, but I can't, I compare every girl I meet to you. And I guess I just really want to try this. Um, so he came down to visit me. We talked, I was into it. Um, so we're like, well, let's not rush into things, but let's try this. Um, when I lived in Milwaukee for grad school, I dated a boy. So

it's been like three years ago. Um, I dated a guy for like a year. It was great. The only reason we broke up is because I moved back home after I finished grad school and he didn't want to attempt to do long distance and I wasn't going to beg someone to be with me. So I said, okay. And about four months ago, he kind of reached out and asked if he could come if we could talk um we started talking and i guess i'm i am struggling on where to go from here because the x is very familiar but i guess i i don't know that's moral of the story So you have two guys in your life that you refer to as boys. I know. They're both basically 30, so I guess that's probably not a good sign either.

I don't know. And I guess where is the guy you've known since 14? You did date? We never put a title on anything. I think he... Does he live by you now? No. We live about four hours apart still.

Okay. And then the other guy you dated when you were in Milwaukee in grad school and you moved back home and and he didn't want to do long distance and and things are where now he reached out a few months ago and asked if I would be like open to considering getting back together um I was like I don't really know what that means. Open to the idea of possibly seems very far into the future. So I kind of called him out on that. Okay. But what did you say then? I said, I wouldn't say no, but I guess I need to make sure that the same reason we broke up is still a thing so what does

that mean you broke up because of the long distance yeah but it was really only an hour but I guess what did you say he said that he doesn't feel the need he's now more open to moving or if I am and he just what's an hour away I mean like that's not that big of a deal so like that's what i thought but how long did you guys date for um well i guess i only pointed out because he doesn't have to like decide to move right now yeah exactly i agree did you tell him that yes and he said well i guess i wasn't even willing to try it because I felt like you moving away was you giving up on our relationship and then you said I said I wasn't but when as soon as we talked about me moving away you turned into a asshole and then you like didn't make me want to be with you

because for the last like three months I lived there he just like pouted a child and then where's the other guy coming in now um he's still I think he would like want to date officially but I feel like and things were heading in that direction but when my ex came in I feel like I can't get him out of my head so I guess that's my question overall which is what what you should do kind of what do you think you should do my thought process is if I'm this torn then I probably should just stop talking to both of them. But I don't, I think that's just me running away to not solve a problem. Well, it sounds like to me that there's more information potentially to be gathered in both these situations. And then you just have to decide which of these situations you can't, you know, you probably shouldn't do both at the same time because that's confusing for both people. Right.

But it sounds like maybe there's potential for both of these. You just have to decide right now which one you are willing to get more information out of so that you can make a more accurate determination for yourself. Because right now it sounds like you don't have enough information to make a determination on either of these relationships which is fine right you need to get more information so you need to spend time talking to either of them or one of them but probably not both of them at the same time because because that will just confuse you. Yeah, I think that's how I feel now is that. The one that I've known since 14 didn't want to rush things because I think he knows my

somewhat fear of commitment and was open to going slow. And now I think he's like there. And I don't know I think I'm part of me feels like I'm interested in the ex more and then I also question am I more interested in that though because it's a way out of something serious right now who do you know most about in terms of the relationship with that person um as far as like them as a person or what they're like in a relationship? With you, the relationship with you in a person. My ex. Your ex. Well, it makes sense. And you only broke up because you moved?

Correct. Only? I mean, you just mentioned that for three months he pouted and he didn't handle, Only? I mean, you just mentioned that for three months he pouted and he didn't handle, instead of like talking through problems and him not liking your decisions. Right. You guys didn't talk or communicate. You just, he acted a way and then you guys literally didn't communicate and then just got frustrated at each other and broke up. Yeah, I guess. I hadn't thought about it like that. So the question is, is, well, maybe the moving thing he's learned to accept and work out. The bigger problem is, do you think he's the type of person who now understands that if something down the road in this relationship that you're considering with him,

100%, there's a 100% chance that you're going to face a problem. You're going to make a decision he's not going to like, and is he going to pout and push you away, or is he going to like talk it through with you? Yeah. I don't know. He seems more,

he seems better at it now than he was back then, but that's also somewhat of an optimistic viewpoint yeah what does your gut tell you um my gut tells me that i am doing everything i can to not have to make a decision and that's not acceptable yeah maybe I don't know the guy since you were 14 and what do you what's great about him or do you

think you want out of that relationship he treats me really like the way that I feel like everyone wants to be treated and he's respectful and hardworking and kind of just like lets me i guess that this is a negative as well he kind of just like lets me do what i like say what i want and then he just is almost so like too willing to accommodate and then he just is almost so like too willing to accommodate that. Who do you get most excited about?

Probably my ex. Okay. That's it. I know. That's it. She's got the nice guy that treats her well but she wants the bad boy that makes her excited about and being more passionate

but then she feels bad about herself for choosing the guy that she's more passionate about I think and I don't necessarily should do this but you already know about the ex and what you know is not great and while you've known the guy you've known your whole life your whole life you don't know a lot about how he would be in a relationship

so give that a shot and see where it goes the ex will probably be waiting for you regardless and if he's not then he you realize that he was really just bored anyways also true so why don't you this guy who's been in part of your life for half your life figure that out get more information give it a shot and if it doesn't work out it doesn't work out see this is what i wanted i just wanted someone to tell me what to do so now i feel better but you don't want your boyfriend i just said i hate that um no because you are a third party yeah you know maybe just chill out a little bit and have some fun and stop trying to make all your life decisions with limited information and try it and if it doesn't work out it doesn't work out and yeah maybe maybe neither of these guys are your. But you're like sitting in purgatory. Correct.

But it sounds like the first guy would drive an hour to see you. I mean, he's currently driving about four and a half, so. And that's not a bad thing. No. Right. The other guy could just be bored. Yeah. I mean, he's be bored. Yeah. Probably. I mean, he's definitely bored.

Yeah. And again, doesn't mean, but how you communicated with him is how you're going to communicate. If you get back together, he hasn't magically changed. Two years. Isn't enough time for that to be completely different.

Well, yeah, he just, yeah. I mean, I don't know unless he's been getting therapy and working on himself and it has nothing to do with you and it's not like a ploy to get you back but probably not so i just correct choices are a lot of pressure yeah well i mean have some fun with

this guy give it a shot get more information i mean you might as well see this through this uh guy you've known your whole life yeah i think i've always i think for him he's always said that like he doesn't know if he would he needs to see if this isn't going to work before he moves on and it's kind of always been his phrase and there we go let's give him a shot i mean and unless there's some magical thing about the ex that you're like i mean for two years you were pretty much fine without the ex and then he reached out probably out of boredom and was like hey would you consider getting back together and like you still like liked him and you're probably bummed that he left and felt good that he was wanted you back and but what was so you know you haven't been missing him all that much yeah i've thought about him i've definitely

thought about him over the two years i get that i'm not saying you i'm not saying like you forgot he existed i'm just saying you've been fine yeah that's and it sounds like well you know you didn't hear from him you weren't like necessarily pining over him you were just looking for something better and newer and that just hasn't happened yet and then he reached out at a vulnerable time where you were anxious about settling down you're probably considering him a little bit more than you otherwise would you know if you weren't as bored or if quarantine wasn't happening and you were meeting more people he would seem less appealing. You know?

He would, for sure. It's like, you know, he's a leftover in the fridge and you're hungry. It's like, okay, well, it's not what I prefer to eat, but it'll fill me up. It's a pretty accurate description of it, now that you say it. You're just like, I don't know where you come up with these analogies, but they always work and they're always good officially food related they're always food related but that's a good one makes me laugh so hard because one time i called him frozen pizza to one of my friends yeah frozen perfect like a frozen pizza like he's always good but you're

just kind of like is that actually what i want right now or is it just there? Yeah. Yeah. So there you go. Two-year-old analogy coming in clutch, I guess. And maybe the other guy is this really great, delicious dinner that you just haven't really, you know, it doesn't necessarily look appealing on the surface. But when you dive in, stop doing nothing and stop giving into your fears more so just making a choice before i just sit here and think about making a choice well again now that we're finding out more i don't know if you have as much of a choice as you

say you are it's like again you know i guess you, you have choices and your choices is to not like get into your like insecurities and fears, you know, it's like you're being lazy. You open the fridge, keeping the analogy going, you see the leftovers, you don't really want to eat it, but you're really hungry, but you also don't feel like going to the grocery store, you know, pandemic, there's a line outside the grocery store. You got to, you know, put your mask on. You're like, I don't know. I gotta get my car and like i don't know i'm wearing sweatpants but like just fucking go to the grocery store start shopping it's an inconvenience and then when

you get back when you have gone to the grocery store you'll be happy you did because when you eat that meal you'll be like oh god this was way better than that shit and the fucking meatloaf i didn't really want to eat whatever the fuck it was so that's what's going on with the ex probably he's just a he's just leftovers in the fridge and you don't feel like going shopping true and maybe this other guy you don't really know that's available and the and the other guy you've known your whole life is the thing that you've never had before it's been sitting on your shelves your friends tell you it's good. You don't really know,

but it just doesn't seem that appealing to you. You don't know why. You're just not into it. And sometimes those things turn out to be amazing and sometimes you're right. You're like, nope, I definitely didn't want that. So fucking crack open the can, take a sip and like see if you want it.

And you'll probably end up having to go to the grocery store. True. I feel better now that I'll just do something instead of thinking about or dreading doing something about it.

Yeah. But as far as the guy you've known your whole life, give it a real shot. Try. And it sounds like he's willing to try he's not asking for promises he's asking to see it through so see it through spend the next couple months really trying give it to the end of the year and just be honest with them i honestly i have my reservations i don't really know this is how i

feel i feel like we've been like but i'm willing to try make no promises we can end up hurting each other great fine life is life yeah and then you can stop wasting each other's time that is what i feel like i've been doing until basically right now like putting off making a decision and then i felt like the longer i did that, the worse it was going to be. Great. So stop talking to the ex. Yeah. We solved that problem. Yeah.

You'll know, you'll know as soon as you get into it with this guy, even though you've known him for a long time, you'll know as soon as like all the nice things happening that you're supposed to feel a certain way when nice things are happening, whether or not you feel that certain way. Yeah. I don't know.

I would say I'd see it through a little bit. I wouldn't give into your initial reaction with the guy you've done your whole life yeah I think that's it is it's just like um my initial reaction was like well maybe and then I was basically trying to like convince myself that my not being super excited about it meant it was wrong. But I've also never been the one to jump in. You don't have to decide with the information you have now. You're allowed to find out more. He's an adult. He's not asking for a commitment or a promise. Just be honest with him where you're at.

If you want to go on dating apps while you still spend more time with this guy, you're allowed to do that. Just be on the same page. Communicate with him. Good. You don't have to decide right now. But you're acting like you do. I know.

It's always kind of been how I've acted. Not defending myself more so. Stop it. Have it. Go grocery shopping. Stop being lazy. It does happen, but thank you. All right.

Best of luck. Enjoy. Have fun tonight. Yeah. I do feel better about it, so maybe it'll be a little more relaxing now. Yeah. I mean, don't put yourself – it's not that – you don't have to decide anything tonight. You don't have to wake up tomorrow and decide

the rest of your life. Just have some fun. That is the plan. All right. Thank you. Best of luck. All right. Bye. All right. Bye-bye. Thanks for sending in your questions. Keep sending them in. Ask Nick at castmedia.com. Cast with a K.

Don't forget to rate this five stars. And until then, we'll see you next time.