The Viall Files - E195 Ask Nick - I Don't Want Adorable Sex

Episode Date: November 9, 2020

Today on the Viall Files we start the week with another episode of Ask Nick. First we speak with a woman who found out her boyfriend slept with his ex, from his ex. Now she is struggling as he tries to flip the blame on her for catching him in a lie. Next we talk with someone who’s husband goes to the bar every single night leaving her at home alone with the kids and it is starting to take a toll on their relationship as she feels she really needs him to make quality time with her a priority. A husband is not as sexually experimental in the bedroom as our next caller would like and her fantasies keep being taken off the table and it is becoming increasingly difficult to speak to him about being more open to some of her desires. Finally we speak with a person who is stuck in a lease with a guy she was hooking up with and dated and she wants to date him again but, he is not into it because she hurt him in the past. There is a a lot to unpack here but should she be packing up to move out instead.  “Be a cool chick to someone who deserves it.” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Best Fiends: Download Best Fiends for FREE today on the Apple App Store or Google Play.  Article: http://www.aarticle.com/viall for $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. Echelon: http://www.echelonfit.com/viall to try any Echelon Fitness equipment at home for 30 days. Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

well i hope you had a good weekend did you have a delightful weekend it's pretty good you know hopefully obviously last week was a stressful week for everyone. I feel like that's safe to say. I don't know, whatever side you land on. But hopefully, we are in a calming... I put my tree up. Yeah, which makes everything better. I think it's time for people to just slide into the holiday season, whether you're socially distanced or whatever. Just start getting festive, people.

It brings a joy. Start celebrating the end of this year and start it now i gave you permission yeah and then look at it as a kind of a a good thing not a bad thing i don't know i'm just i don't know make any are you a big christmas person i wouldn't peg you for a big christmas person i used to be as a kid i got got away from it. Not necessarily. I just, as a homeowner now, it's easier to get in the holiday spirit. Now, I put up my tree. Are you going to do the whole thing? The lights? The tree looks great.

No, here's what I'm not going to. No, no. Are you going to do the lights outside on those trees that you water every day? I put up my tree now. Okay. It's early. I grant you that. And it looks fantastic in my living room.

But that's it looks fantastic in my living room but that's it so far and i think at most i might put some sort of christmas acknowledgement outside my front house i have pumpkins out right now so that i acknowledged halloween and thanksgiving so after thanksgiving i might put up i don't know some sort of candy cane i'm not gonna go i'm not gonna go you're not gonna go with the blow up like snowman i'm not putting lights around my outdoor go you're not gonna go with the blow up like snowman i'm not putting lights around my outdoor no you're not gonna put lights on those on your trees that you like to water that's too much i'll look i'll let i'll put something up and inside i might put like a garland of some i don't know but i'm not it's not gonna be like christmas threw up in my

place i have a i have a vibe i have a vibe. I like the vibe. I'm keeping the vibe. So classic Christmas, classic, tasteful. And my mom always did that. And I learned that from my mother. I don't want it to be a fucking,

I don't want it to be a fucking, uh, uh, you know, what? Like a Clark Griswold Christmas. Yeah. Is that what you're interested in? like an infomercial on christmas i'm gonna do that uh we have a great episode for you some uh fantastic callers some great advice to those callers i mean how honest do you want you to be? Oh, we have some merch out there. See what I did there? Called a segue.

We have some merch. That was a segue. Yes. Chrissy and her segues. How honest do you want me to be? Wear this t-shirt to your boyfriend. You should wear that t-shirt all the time, actually. It's so appropriate for you.

How honest do you want me to be? We have some other great sayings. We have some breakup books. We have some... Check us out, vilefiles.com. Got some cute tops. Tote bags. Crop tops.

Thanks for listening. Don't forget to subscribe. Rate us five stars. If you're looking for more Bachelor content, there's an amazing Patreon out there. Sign up. You have a Patreon? I do.

That's amazing. And it is worth your time. A tell-all, if you will, from my time on the Bachelor franchise with some great guests, including all Max's and more. And you just did a new one from. We're currently recapping Andy Dorfman's season. Yeah, that's so cool.

Fun. It's fun. It's super inexpensive and cheap. Get it for yourself for the Christmas season. Yes. It's a cup of. What are we moving on to? What's next after,

what's after a pumpkin latte? A peppermint latte? Probably something weird and crappy. Okay. Thanks for listening. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? It's going. How are you?

Good. What's your name? My name is Grace and I'm 22. Hi, Grace. How can I help? Hi. Okay. So I am going to give a little backstory and then we can get into it. Great. Very brief. So I've been dating this guy for about a year um the first four months we were long distance between texas and california um and when quarantine hit i moved in with him i moved from texas to california and so now we live together um but three months into being long distance

he slept with his ex and I just found out about it about a week ago from her you started dating this guy yeah you live in Texas he lived in California quarantine hit you're like fuck it I'm gonna go to california you dated it was seemingly going fine and then his ex reached out and said hey by the way this guy you're living with now when you guys first started dating we had sex yes pretty much okay um she is in our friend group you know so i i know her through him um so since you moved out to California you've gotten to know his friends you've been part of this group

he's you've yeah he's like hey these are my friends you're like great I like your friends and now I'm friends with your friends and and by the way this girl's part of this group because they dated and she was like yeah we definitely fucked yeah pretty much that's pretty much what happened and she and like, yeah, we definitely fucked. Yeah, pretty much.

That's pretty much what happened. And she and I have hung out probably like five separate times. Just the two of you? Not the two of us, but like in our group. And she and I get along really well. And we were just chatting one night and she was like, I have to tell you this. We slept together.

You guys were like three months in. Um, she wasn't sure if we were exclusive, but we were definitely exclusive or I thought we were. Um, and I think that it was just the one time when you say you thought you were, what does that mean? Like we had established exclusivity you guys the two of you define the relationship so we did so so it was both were on the same page as far as you were concerned yes you weren't just assuming without asking that you were yeah okay yeah it was like it was like established we were together have you had a conversation with him so far? Yes. So after I found out about it, we came home. And I was like, hey, you slept with your ex in February.

And he was like, no. Like immediately denied. And I was like, you did because you told me. Don't lie to me about this. And he admitted to it. And then he is now frustrated. He's frustrated. He's frustrated with the fact that I was even talking to her.

And he's frustrated with the fact that, like, I asked if they had done anything since breaking up. And so now I guess my question is, what do I do? And like if if I stay with him, how do I not be a crazy, like, passive-aggressive bitch? Because right now I've been, like, very just, like, I'm not fun to be around with him because he— I would be really curious to hear your reasons about why you should consider being with him. Because I really love him. And we're best friends. And we can talk and talk and talk for hours.

Those are like so high level generic things. Like what tangible specific things, knowing what you know now. Okay. Would be why you would stay together with him. He's a really good cook. Okay. At least that's specific. I know.

You said tangible. We have a lot of similar interests. We agree on a lot of really important, like, fundamental issues. And we, like, I thought I was going to marry him. And I think that he would be a really good father. I think that he would be a really good husband, aside from the cheating. Well, let's get back in.

Okay, let's get back in. Okay, let's dive into you think he'll be a really good husband based on good father, nice. Great, cool. Aligned with your beliefs in the world. Nice, certainly. Great. None of those are like

you kind of described a friend. Those are nice things you want a friend to. I'm really concerned about the fact that, you know, would you describe a great husband as someone who lies? And then when caught in a lie, instead of owning up to the lie, makes you feel like you did something wrong. Yeah. makes you feel like you did something wrong.

Yeah. How would you rank that in terms of great husband qualities? Doesn't sound like a very good husband. Yeah. Yeah. He is a really good caretaker. For who? And he loves me. And he is... How does he show that love? loves me and he

is he and I love when it's bad is this your first when it's bad is this your first problem

yeah this is our first have you ever fought before this is really our first issue we we argue really well we've never had

like a big argument so when you say you argue really well what do you like what have you argued about we have had disagreements on like where the bed should go in the bedroom or like disagreements on like what time we should do not important things that you both aren't super invested in at the end of the day you'll both get over okay those aren't yeah okay so this is your first problem and what i only mean by that is like every relationship is going to have problems real problems like you know yeah hopefully that don't include cheating yeah and and how people handle those problems and communicate those problems where you have a real big difference or you feel guilt or stress.

And that is what really determines whether someone you think can make a great husband or wife. And so this is your first test. You know, where the bed goes isn't a test. That's just like neat. You know, that's nice. You can agree on that with a lot of different guys. You're right. All right.

So this is your first obstacle. And unfortunately, like minus the fact that the obstacle is him having sex with another girl. That sucks. But let's just call that your first problem. Let's just chalk it up to like something you could get over. Okay. Yeah. It's this handling of this problem that I'm really concerned about for you.

Yeah. Yeah. And as you are recognizing, you realize that if this is how this problem is going to be handled, then you're going to have no choice to turn into your worst version of yourself. And it would sound like you probably, I don't want to speak for you,

but I feel like the little bit I've known you, which is in about three minutes, that you want to be married to someone who makes you the best version of yourself or helps you be that person. That would be great. As anyone would. And so right now, what you know is that you are considering

being in a relationship with someone who, when a big problem, a big problem happens, he does things that make you the worst version of yourself. He doesn't solve the problem. In fact, he extends the problem. Yeah. That's a concern yeah and i and no amount of cooking it's gonna change that it's really good cooking uh so i i guess he wants me to get over it and like, I'm sure he does.

And like go back to how we were before. Cause we, he's like, it was literally how he's chosen to handle this. And like, you seem like a reasonable person. I don't know. Maybe you've been,

and you would have a right to be just to be a giant bitch when you found out and be super like, but like it's not, you sound like super chill about it. So like, are you telling me that you've been like, Hey, listen, like she told me this, like, let's talk about it. And he's been dismissive and been like, I don't want to talk about it. Just get over it. Sure. It's true. But like, whatever. Kind of like I found out early on in the night and I spent like four more hours hanging out with her

and then we got home and then I was like, was like, hey, you slept with her in February. And then he was like, why were you even talking to her? Why were you, why did you not talk to me about this earlier on in the night? And I was like, I would love to forgive you. I need you to talk to me about this so I can process it. And he just gets very upset when I bring it up. And I like, it's been a week. And so I brought it it. And he just gets very upset when I bring it up. And I,

like, it's been a week and so I bring it up a few times. As far as red flags go, this couldn't, there couldn't be a bigger one. Fuck. I can probably list,

God. I mean, the fact that you're so, you want to forgive him. I do. I really do. You're giving him every opportunity to be awesome. fact he can be like babe

you're like i i can i already know what you want him to do he sits you down you're like he's like first i just want to say i am sorry i'm wrong i have no excuses what do you want to talk about and and let what questions do you have how can i make you how can i build this trust back please forgive me do you want to you know like you're right i and all i can say is i was you know i had a moment of weakness we were still in our early stage i don't know what you want to say but just a willingness on his part to talk with you and make you feel confident that he's willing to have a conversation yeah yeah he's not though find things that help you deal with your stress level that's a good one yeah best fiends helps me

best fiends helps you deal with my stress i don't i don't know if you knew that about me that i get stressed and i deal with it by playing video games i didn't know that this also makes me smarter and i also have and uh i know chrissy's just obsessed i do i do play it more chrissy chrissy loves it because of the cute characters yeah i i'm a little more invested in the the brain games of the puzzles have you you always been a puzzle person? I appreciate the cute characters, but stop wasting time on tweets and TikToks and Instagrams when you can be sharpening that mind of yours with Best Fiends.

You can play it online, offline. You can compete with your friends. It's a ton of fun. It keeps you busy. It's better than think of you know when you're going to the bathroom you know play oh yeah when you're traveling this holiday season you can use it without the wi-fi so play with the little characters more levels events and challenges edit all the time so play away there's always one more level seriously once you download

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Huh, fine. He's got a long snout. He's cute. I give him the most food, so he grows the most. I call it food, even though it's just like corn. Well, I'm more partial to Jean. If you're looking for the most coolest designer quality furniture at the most wonderful prices,

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to get $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. Now couldn't be a better time to get some Article furniture. He really, I don't know. He just, he, last night I brought it up again and he was like, you're not, like you being so miserable doesn't make me want to try to work on this. And I'm like, I'm going to-

That's what he said to you? This guy sucks. He sucks. You're dating someone who sucks. Fuck. I'm sorry. No, I knew you were going to tell me this, and that's why I emailed you.

Trust your gut. I mean, listen, you're giving him every opportunity. I'm so cool. I'm such a good girlfriend. I'm such a cool girlfriend. I don't know if you listen to this podcast. You're being the cool chick, and it's hurting you. I know.

Being the cool chick. And, oh, God. I mean, guys, great guys want cool chicks. They do. Right. Right? And so, like, be the cool chick, but be a cool chick to someone who deserves it, someone who, like, might make a mistake and fuck up, but is so appreciative that you're a cool chick,

he's not going to take that for granted. He's gaslighting you. He's making you feel like this is how he's going to handle problems going forward and you'll have another problem i don't know like a parenting problem a money problem a job problem i don't fucking know but this is how he handles it he turns into a baby he's mean he makes you feel like you've done something wrong he makes all his problems your problem makes you feel guilty about like being mad makes you question your sanity all because like he can make a chicken nugget or something i don't know maybe he could make a fry to go with it too i hope so oh fuck damn it he's also 30

oh my god so he's not he's like it's not like So he's not like, oh, he's, you know, maybe he's going to grow up. You said you're 22? I'm 22. Listen, no problem with the age difference. But the fact that he is, so what that tells me, that he is not only, he doesn't respect you. He doesn't respect your age he thinks of you as like someone who's you know stupid and young or something i don't know he's condescending like he's he's passive aggressively being condescending to you and if he wants to date some of you and quite frankly you seem mature and and reasonable and thoughtful and calm and he sounds

like the 22 year old yeah and it's not changing oh it's not gonna change it's definitely not gonna change so so do me a favor okay from going forward i don't know i mean ideally you break up with him but in the meantime stop telling yourself you love him like you feel like you like the idea of him you love him yeah love is it's constantly growing it's changing

and then it's you know then it dies you love the memory of him you love his cooking you love how cooking you you love how sometimes you have fun together but yeah you need to focus on what you don't love about him right now yeah and these like things that you you like about him those are all things you can have with so many people so many people yeah and in the meantime like hook up with dudes who like you don't align with your beliefs you're just not going to marry

them you'll have fun with them like you'll find you're 22 you have plenty of time you didn't get this one right go have some fun yeah maybe you'll have a find a guy around the corner and maybe it'll take you four years to find another guy. Either way, you're going to be totally fine, but don't get married to a guy who makes you feel like you did something wrong when he fucks someone else. I really did feel like I did something wrong.

He's good at what he does. He's really good. His biggest skill is making people he says he cares about feel bad. He's that's what he's he's better at that than cooking i don't maybe probably so i'm sorry ah good thing is you knew you knew you wanted to hear it now i'm confirming it i think you'll be fine okay all right best of luck break up with him. Block him.

I mean, I'm serious. You should definitely move out. Just don't warn him. Just move out. Okay. Don't apologize. You did nothing wrong. Yeah.

I mean, I'm serious. You need to be drastic here. Don't ask for his permission to move out. Don't ask what he thinks. Don't pack your shit. Find out when he's going to be gone for a long enough time for you to move out. Yeah. And do it.

Probably feel really good and liberating. Yeah. You're not crazy. Thank you. Except unless you stay with him. I'll keep you updated with what happens. Yeah, let us know. I'm a little concerned about you.

I'm a little concerned about me, too. I'll let you know how it goes. All right. For sure. Just definitely move out right now. Okay. All right. Okay.

Bye. Bye. It was nice meeting you. You too. My name All right. Okay. Bye. Bye. It's nice meeting you. My name is Amanda. I'm 25. Hi, Amanda. How can I help? So my husband and I have been married for about four years now. And, um, he's super thoughtless or thoughtful. He's, uh, he's selfless. Um, he's caring. Um, he's a great husband all around. Um, my, but my biggest point of contention in our relationship is that, um, he goes to the bar every single night, every single the bar every single night.

Every single night? Every single night. Okay. So wait, tell me how he's thought. Okay. All right. So he goes to the bars every night. Pretty much every night. That's not an exaggeration?

No, it's not. Like the nights that he's not like ever like the nights that he's not home like i don't know maybe one night a week or two nights a week what was he doing when quarantine first happened uh he was there yeah every night uh-huh is he getting drunk every night so that's the thing he's not getting Um, he's got a very high tolerance. But he's a heavy drinker. I don't know. I don't know. Cause he, he starts drinking in the evening. It's not like he's drinking during the day.

Has he asked you to come to the bar ever? I mean, I've gone with him. I know all of his friends over there. Sometimes I go there, but it's not really my scene. Like I don't like, so he's like, babe, I'm going to the bar. You are welcome to come, but also I'm going,

Oh no, I can't. We have two kids. So I have to stay home with the kids every night. Then he, he does. He just goes to the bar. How old is he?

He's 37. Okay. I'm assuming you've voiced your frustrations about this situation oh yeah definitely i've communicated how i feel about the situation like and how do you how do you go about that and you're just like babe hey listen that's a lot yeah so um in the first year of our marriage i i would say that i was much more passive aggressive about it and did not communicate it very well. It led to a lot of fights because of how much it bothered me. But over time, I've learned how to be more gentle and loving in my communication with him.

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Everyone. It's affordable, people. Yeah. Unlike the other one. unlike the other one unlike the other one go to echelon.com slash v-i-a-l-l that is e-c-h-e-l-o-n fit.com slash v-i-a-l-l you try it home for 30 days if you don't like it you send it back that won't happen because you love it what's he say his argument is like he's an extrovert. So he needs this time with his friends and he works hard all day.

So he kind of like deserves this time. What do you deserve? Exactly. I try to communicate this with him. Like, I need to spend quality time with you. You're my husband. We have two kids. Life is crazy. Like like be home with me um but it literally does not matter how I approach it like it's not

getting through to him and I just don't know what to do about it anymore are you willing to leave no absolutely not like divorce is off the table for me. Why? Because I love him and I'm committed to him. Is he committed to you? Absolutely. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, listen, this is, it seems nuts to me that he goes to the bars every night and has no considerations for your feeling.

I mean, listen, it sucks. I mean, I only ask because, like, if what you're saying, he's doing this extreme thing, and you are rightfully having an issue with it, and he's not acknowledging your frustration. He's just saying what he deserves. And if it doesn't change, change like how are you going to like you know what i'm saying like you're still really young uh you've only been married for four

years it's rightfully frustrating and yeah you're gonna drive yourself crazy i mean my hope is like you know he's willing to hear you out but but then i don't have an aunt like what can you do fuck i don't know like is he willing to come on here and have me and be like bro what the fuck no i mean we've been to counseling before and what did your what do your therapists say um they i don't know they kind of just like show him like look your wife has this issue and she's right to have this issue like what do you have to say for yourself what are you going to do about it um and he kind of in those instances feels like he's being ganged up on or being attacked. And I can tell when I express this to him, it comes off as I'm assuming he thinks that I'm nagging him and I'm being

like, you know, the nagging wife figure. Yeah. We're, we're dealing in extremes here. If your husband was like, babe,

I just, you know, two nights out of the week, I just need to, to let loose. Even that most wives don't give that to their husbands but you seem more than willing to be like all right cool yeah i mean like i'm not against him having a life but i agree this is excessive like yeah he just doesn't get he doesn't get that when do you so he goes work. Yeah. And he goes straight to the bars.

Does he even come home for five minutes? Well, I don't know. It depends on the day, honestly. But most of the time he goes after the kids go to bed. So he's, he's most of the time here while the kids are awake.

But after that, when it would be ideal for us to have like quality time together, he just goes to the bars. Yeah. That's insane i know i i honestly think that i'm not saying get divorced i'm saying i think you need to put it on the table and i just think you need to like start considering like it doesn't mean you get divorced i just think this is an extreme situation. You need to go. You're getting to the point where you have to consider the extreme solutions. And even just considering it as an option,

because clearly he doesn't think you're ever going to leave him. I have done that, though. Doing whatever the fuck he wants. I've given him that ultimatum. But you just told me it's not on the table so clearly he doesn't believe you and he shouldn't because you've told me in confidence you know that he's not here that you're not going to leave him he's it's a game of chicken he's just like all right well prove me prove it to me haha see you're not going to leave me alone i'm gonna go to the bar i know but like to him

this isn't even like something worthy of like an argument he thinks his behavior is completely normal and that's insane right that would make him insane so that means he's insanely selfish you know uh he's not though i know i'm painting him out to be this way but he he really is like honest to god if you were to like see our relationship like you would think that he's the more i'm the more selfish person in the relationship for how i act sometimes how i'm open to believing this okay he's much more quick to show affection, to show love, to he's always thinking of me first, except in this aspect. He's always thinking of me first and making sure I'm taken care of. I'm happy.

Like, I mean, give me an example because like those are like general statements, which may or may not be true. But you give him a specific example of what he's not, what he's not doing. And that is like, you know what I'm saying? That's a specific thing. And now you're speaking in general, in general about like, right. I mean, every single day he tells me how much he loves me. He, he always tries to make sure that I'm comfortable and I'm happy like he he always

makes sure that I'm fed before he is he kind of almost always adheres to what I want to do in situations it's literally just this one aspect of life well that one ask I mean, I'm only just basing this on what you're telling me, that one aspect is every day. Yeah. So when are you getting your time? I mean, like we try to go on a date date once every week or once every two weeks. But sometimes the bar gets in the way? I mean, what he'll say to that is we're together all the time. Because we're working remotely and we're both in the house.

So we're together all the time. You guys both work from home? Yeah. Okay. But you have jobs we're not like spending quality time when you guys have sex um at night time like when he comes home from the bar he wants to have sex and i'm like sitting there like are you kidding me like i'm going to sleep like you were just gone for the last three hours and now you want to come home and have sex like he's a little buzzed yeah so that drives me crazy yeah that's seems reasonable that was i mean i you know again i'm i i'm just something isn't adding up here right and either you know

uh and it's great that he says he loves you. Is he like texting you from the bar? I love you, babe. Thanks. You know, he sounds like he wants a very submissive housewife who's just happy to be fed and finds comfort and knowing that she's loved from afar while is willing to take care of his children. I don't know.

I don't know. I'm just basing this on what you're saying. No, it's much more complex than that. Like I know he loves me and I trust him and I do feel loved by him. It's just this one thing. Like I feel like he's not showing me love in the way that i need it yeah stop calling it just this one thing like as if it's just some small minor detail that

you you're not even sure if you have the right to be mad about this is an insane major thing that he is unwilling to be remotely flexible on and stop letting him make you feel like you're wrong for being mad about it or you're being unreasonable and again if you know you're just like hey go go go a couple times a week fine but like i need you to want to spend more quality time with me like i feel like a broken record i have said this to him so many times that's what i'm saying he doesn't give a shit i just know what i'm saying is i don't get how you can say things like but i know he loves me me. And I, I, in his way, sure. I get that. Right. But you're dismissing, you say, well, how do you, when you say you feel his love, like, because you know, he loves you, but like, do you really feel it? Like, because to me, when I feel loved, I feel loved because someone is willing to like,

go out of the way and listen to me and make me feel heard and maybe sometimes make sacrifices. Certainly as much as I'm willing to make for them. You know? So I know you're in a tough spot. But something needs to change. Because you're going to lose your mind. And this is only going to get worse if it doesn't get better you know yeah you're not going to feel more loved or less lonely you're going to find it somewhere else you know i know but i don't know if like threatening for

divorce is like the best way to like it hasn't worked out for me in the past so like i don't Divorce is like the best way to like, it hasn't worked out for me in the past. So like, I don't, and obviously if that's not how I feel, have you literally pleaded with him? Like, listen,

how does it like, and he just doesn't care. No, it's just led to massive arguments. And then like, you know, there's been times where he's given in and said, okay,

fine. I won't go anymore. F it. Just, you know, I'll stay home and be home with you and we'll twiddle our thumbs together. And, but that, that lasts for like two nights. I don't know. I don't know. It's just, you know, like, listen, my gut tells me that you guys aren't as compatible as you want to be and i'm well aware that we're not um i'm not gonna lie like we're not compatible i mean like yeah it's not not like divorce is just not an option for me

unless it was something i want to give you a hug i feel for you because it feels like you've committed to prison and my gut tells me that will eventually change you're a human being with feelings and this is frustrating and you're trying to do the right thing for you and your kids and your family but you are only human and you can only take so much. And if he is unwilling to compromise on something so drastic and, and not bend on something that he quite frankly needs to and throws temper tantrums and makes you feel bad about having to give up and want to spend any time with you, you're going to have a breaking point. You just haven't reached it yet.

Yeah, that's what I'm worried about so knowing that i guess what i'm saying is that's why i go back to what i originally said put it back on the table that doesn't mean like you go and find a divorce lawyer but you're just like you're not saying it as a threat you're saying it as a plea and and you're just like listen maybe we're not compatible i deserve to want to be with someone who wants to be with me. You seem so against it. And anytime you do do it, you make it sound like it's a chore or you're, you're only doing it because I'm nagging the shit out of you. Like, why would I like, that's not fair. I don't want to have drunk sex with you.

I want to feel like you want to like hang out with me and we have like a moment and we like go on a romantic date and it's not forced. And like, and I don't want to feel like you want to like hang out with me and we have like a moment and we like go on a romantic date and it's not forced. And like, and I don't want to feel like you constantly wish you were playing like, you know, beer pong or darts.

And if like, he just doesn't want to grow up. I mean, there's, you know, I just think if you consider the possibility that he might not be your person, it will give you more. It will make you it will make you feel more powerful.

And it'll make you a little less scared about the possibility of this ending. And maybe he'll wake up. I don't know. I hope you're right. It's scary. I get it. But you're a human being, and every human being has a breaking point.

I'd rather have you face this now than in five years when you just can't. I'd rather have you deal with this properly than you cheat on him because you're just so unhappy and so unfulfilled with the affection he doesn't give you. Because you're a human being and you deserve, like, you deserve it. Everyone does.

This is insane. Every night? Yep. Well. does this is insane every night well I just think you should consider the possibility that I think honestly I think everyone should I think everyone I've said this before I get the death to do you part but we should stop giving our partners excuses to take us for granted. And every day, two people who say they're in love should constantly want to earn the love that they want to receive and give to the person they say they're in love with every day for the rest of your life. And then you'll have your highs and low moments. But every day, people should want

to earn that love from someone else. And it's not just because you made a promise four or five years ago or 20 years ago. And that's not a, you know, every day you choose to be with someone. And if that person stops giving that love that you're willing to give to them, then they're not holding up their end of the deal. And you have the right to expect that from someone. All right. Well, I guess time for another conversation. You deserve a lot more, and I think you should just believe that

and never, never let him make you feel like you're asking for too much. And he has the right to have insane requests for his own happiness, but that's, you, you don't have to give him it. So got it. Thank you. I appreciate it.

All right. Best of luck. Thanks. Take care. Bye. Bye. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. what's your name um olivia i'm 29 hi olivia how can i help

so my question for you my husband and i have been married for a few years. He comes from a pretty religious upbringing background. He was super sexually inexperienced before we met. And I was totally fine with that. He's okay with, we're both okay with each other's dating history. But I thought, like my previous relationships, I was super like experimental sexually. And I feel like that was what I liked. And I was under the impression like this guy is I was in toxic relationships before. This guy is like my best friend.

He's super good to me. And the only thing missing in the relationship is just like that, like sexual spark. And I know that that sounds terrible, but yeah, it's been a few years. And I was like, we can only go up from here. But no matter what I suggest, it kind of doesn't get taken care of. kind of doesn't get taken care of. So you've tried to communicate with him things that you would like to happen in the bedroom. And how does he react? At first, he would get super uncomfortable.

And now, like, I've done all sorts of research and, you know, just like trying to figure out what I can do. I've asked him if he could he doesn't watch porn. I asked him if he could start watching porn when I'm out of town just to explore like more of what he's into. But every time I ask him like what he wants, it's just like whatever you're doing is fine. I ask him like what he wants it's just like whatever you're doing is fine like I like I like it all like but you don't like it all because you're scared to try new things so gotcha um what are we what are we talking here like uh describe what you would uh like and what he's not willing to do I'm just curious like, like, is this, you know, who knows? Maybe, maybe it's extreme and you don't think it is, or maybe it's super vanilla. I'm just kind of trying to get a baseline here.

No, very. Yeah. So I actually, I had a good question. I had us actually take one of those like BDSM tests online. That's like super. What was that what's a bdsm test oh it's just like it's like if you don't know what your fantasies or your like sexual needs are you're pretty like any end of the spectrum you haven't tried out anything it's figuring out what you might be into based on like little little things that you might like in like more of a vanilla sexual experience so I had him take that and it was like our results could not be more opposite his were exactly what I was picturing and it was just like you know like monogamist and loves like just he could have like one partner forever i didn't necessarily

think that that was going to be the case for me but i love him and i'm trying to so be a good wife so the thing i'm just curious because the thing that you pointed out that your biggest difference is is that he only wants to be with one person you might not want to be how does that relate to the bedroom i just i mean i guess that wouldn't be like the main thing it would like for me it's just like minimal i need just like minimal effort to try to see like like i'm totally happy to go at his own pace but it's been like not trying anything new and if it you know it's like so i mean it's it sounds like your sexual relationship with your husband it's extraordinarily vanilla there's no real foreplay or even connection it's just more mechanical yeah it's like when when it happens and

this is like the most infrequent i've ever like since i started having sex this is the most infrequent that it's ever been and i know people say that that's how it usually gets when you get married but it wasn't like that in the beginning. And I feel like anytime I try to incorporate new things, it's like, off the table real quick. What is your sexual fantasy? Like, what do you want? Like, you know, regardless if it's your husband, I mean, I just feel what, what, what would have, listen, I can only assume that you've fantasized about this, not getting what you want sexually from your husband.

So what is it? I mean, it's like the dangerous places that my mind will go and just thinking like. Not even dangerous. Like what, just, you know know if it's a safe space yeah okay so i mean like right now i feel in my email i kind of had said to chrissy that like my mind is going to my like sex with my ex it was incredible i don't would never bring that up would could never like compare it out loud it's just like in my mind going back to these are things that i know might have been like it was a toxic relationship but okay but i'm less i'm less worried about the person i get the forget

about the ex or who it was i get that's like i'm talking about when you're alone and you're ifating or doing your thing, what is your sexual fantasy? Like, what are you envisioning? Whether it's like a mystery person or your husband, what are you guys doing in bed? Like, what's the fantasy? Like, ultimately, a threesome? What would you want to walk home and your husband surprise you and what happens in the bedroom? Like, what does that look like? What does that sound like?

I mean, ultimately, if I came home and he was with another girl, that is not something that would freak me out. That's something I would be like, like stoked on. And that is just so not on the table. And I don't know if it will ever be. Okay. Well, that's helpful because I guess what I'm saying is I'm curious. Like, okay. So that's the extreme.

Thanks for sharing. And no judgment. I can picture how that can be hot. But it's also not that it's, I don't think your husband is unique in his not interest in that right and so that's what i'm trying to get at is you know um you have the right to be you know into this stuff there's a lot of people who are more and more people who talk about it be like actually i don't want to feel judged but i'm kind of like under this you're like me too you know like but those are a lot a lot more people who are not right and so i'm just wondering if this is like does that make sense like this is not something

like if your husband like it's one thing if you're dating married to someone or dating someone they're just like listen like i'm not interested in giving you oral sex and i'm not interested in hearing your needs and i don't care if you like dirty talk and i'm just you know just i'm just gonna give a couple pumps and we'll be done and and okay that's that's not someone who's interested in paying attention to your needs and listening but like at some point you're just like listen i don't want to i don't want to fuck another person i don't want to bring another person in the bedroom i don't want you to punch me in the face or, you know, whatever.

Like again, you know, so there's some things and again, there's no judgment, but some people have a right to like not be in some like very non-traditional things in the bedroom. So I also, I don't want to be hit in the face.

I know. I'm just saying, but there are people who enter some crazy ass shit, you know? Yeah, no. I guess I didn't realize, like, I don't really have a religious upbringing at all, and I don't have, like, my friends don't either. I don't think a religious upbringing, quite frankly, has anything to do with,

it doesn't sound like it has much to do with this situation. I don't think there are people who had a religious upbringing who are into some crazy shit yeah that's uh and there are people who you know i don't think that really has anything to do with it in this in this situation and again i'm just wondering how much of what your fantasies that you feel are not being satisfied are really just not traditional. And again, no judgment, but like your husband may never come around and that's okay.

And his part as well. If he's just like, I'm not into that. Like I'm never going to be. And I don't think, you know, there's a, you know,

right. Like anything that he can that makes him feel safe and and comfortable dirty talk a little you know grabbing pulling of the hair or whatever oral sex giving and taking that's all like i you should want like i think everyone should be willing to do a little bit right or a lot and that you know no i agree there are limits to like people have a right to just say like i'm not into that you know and there's a sexual compatibility that you have to consider um with your partner yeah um yeah i think what's frustrating for me is that i feel like i'm very like i've been vocal since we first met about the things that I need out of a relationship and

then out of a sexual relationship and I feel like he was more than willing to like I don't know if it was just because he was trying to you know like just like make me happy and say things that it's like I will try I will do. Like I will do anything once kind of thing. And that is absolutely not the case. And it was more like, once we get married, like, I can dip my toes into whatever you would like. And maybe I just like took that too literal. I'm like, okay, these are things that I would like. And he's like, no, no, no. Like those are not, those are not going to work work it just kind of depends on what that is right like what's your middle ground i mean i guess now that is there a middle

ground yeah so like are you i mean i mean i don't know are you literally saying like listen i want to have a threesome with my husband i want to have a fantasy where i want to watch him have sex with another girl i want him to watch me have sex with another guy are those your fantasies that you need to be fulfilled or or or or not i don't think so i think that can stay it's like we have porn for that like i'll be okay i can manage i don't need that i think that it's very fair i think that that's probably asking a lot from anyone who's not comfortable with that um but yeah but yeah, I think like the middle ground and mostly what I need help advice with is just like, so the biggest thing is that I, like, I don't finish nearly every time it doesn't happen. And it doesn't seem like that is a huge priority to him.

And I don't know, like he, like I said, inexperienced before me. I don't know if he ever got someone off previous to me and it took a lot of like, yeah, that's something,

that's something that you can work with. And that's something that is like, you can talk through, right? Because whether you're married right you guys should be able to communicate about this stuff i mean couples who are dating should communicate you know people don't have to get off every time they have sex but there should be an interest in your partner to want to make that happen for you right 100 and maybe it's not penetration

penetrative sex or whatever but like like, you should be able to go to your partner and say, these are the things that like, and I'd like you to want to do this for me so I can orgasm and vice versa. And if he's saying no to those things, and those things that he's saying no to are things that he himself can do that are relatively, know normal things you know um that you know everyone's safe so to speak that it doesn't incorporate new people uh he should want to do that yeah and if he's saying no or not even showing an interest or not even asking and not even like caring if you had an orgasm. Yeah. Have you ever said to him, Hey,

um, I'm not like, I haven't gotten off. Could you help me? Or like, you know what I'm saying? Like, I want you to do this for me because it turns me on.

Nick, I have no problem telling him. I give him lots of feedback. And what does he say? Like, it's usually just like, he's willing to try, but I think he thinks like you know a minuscule amount of time is enough and i've it's like like you got to keep working at that it needs to be longer you'll know when we're ready for the next thing so he's just

not all that interested in getting you off i mean it like it feels like that to me but i feel like i am just maybe being a little bit sensitive i don't know and again this is i always kind of hate these where i'm just like well this is what i would do and i'm a guy and i'm because but like i've never been in a relationship where i haven't given a shit about my how like it's from an ego standpoint i want my partner to be like that was fun i enjoyed it i don't assume they're all the same i don't assume i have it all figured out and so i ask and i'm like what like you know um and i check in and to me that feels like a no-brainer but it doesn't seem like you know, and I check in. And to me, that feels like a no brainer. But it doesn't seem like, you know, that's not the case.

We continue to learn. I agree. I feel like I check in. But he should want to. Too frequently. Every husband should want to. It's like, it's no different than, what would you want for your birthday? Like, that's like normal things that you like if you're in a relationship, what makes you happy? How could I surprise you? You know, like,

what do you like to watch? What gets you off? Like you should want to do those things. If you're going to be in a relationship with someone, you know, and commit to a monogamous relationship and then expect someone to give up dating anyone else in the entire world, you should want to go out of your way to make them happy. And not just in the bedroom, like for everything. Like why else would someone want to give up everyone else in the world to be with you if you're not willing to do the things that make them happy? That is what I'm saying, Nick.

And it's like, I love him. It's endearing. It's very adorable. But it's like, I don't want adorable sex. That's not what I want. No, you want him to take charge and demonstrate confidence that he cares about you getting off and he's willing to do whatever you want. He wants you to sit back and relax and enjoy the ride.

Yeah, I want that as a t-shirt i don't want adorable sex who does so good god yeah wait is that a like that in itself sounds creepy adorable sex yeah but i don't think i've ever wanted horrible sex yeah but it but it explains exactly what she wants she doesn't want adorable sex so good um yeah no right you say it and you're like cringe but maybe there's people out there who would absolutely love and appreciate that and i don't want i'm not like well so there's just a bit of a disconnect between what you're saying and what you're saying is i love my husband he's so communicative and he listens and he's kind and well you know i don't doesn't sound like he is though because if he is even if you're not necessarily the most

sexual person and it sounds like you've had sex and when you first met you were having more sex and you're having now so this is not like you're dating an asexual person i don't think it is it's you know it's funny because like when we first started talking, I think it's a big ask for you to ever hope or expect him to like bring in another person in the bedroom. It's not a big ask for your partner to just want to get you off, you know? And it's not that hard, especially in a marriage. Yeah, I feel like the evolution of this conversation, yeah.

It's like the evolution of our conversation just in this amount of time is the evolution of my husband and i conversations since the get-go it's like a little bit like expecting a little bit less and a little bit less and like i feel like taking things off the table that maybe i thought were important to me that just aren't enough like at the end of the day well you know so that's the thing maybe my advice right is control you know control what you can control like before you freak him out with new people and fuzzy handcuffs and and things that he may never be comfortable with what you just want and and and it's fair to expect is like him to want to get you off to him to like yeah be

focused solely on you to make you a priority in the bedroom and to not make you feel stressed out about wanting to get off and to just have that mindset of like taking charge and doing like this tonight's all about you babe you know and and you do those things content with with him like initiating and taking charge and just like let me not have to work so hard and say so many things i don't know if it's like couples therapy or sex therapy but like as much as you say you're communicating you guys you're not you're definitely not on the same page right it seems like maybe there's some i agree you're not connecting you guys are misunderstanding you're definitely not on the same page right it seems like maybe there's some i agree you're not connecting you guys are misunderstanding you're stressing each other out you know i still go back

to like it shouldn't be that hard for him to want to get you off and take the time to do that and as long as like you're able to get off by him doing whatever you ask him to do within reason. You know, that's, yeah, that's fine. I agree. But like him trying,

you know, if he's, if he's feeling like he just can't like do some crazy shit that you had done to you or something, I don't know. But you just got to kind of get on the same page, but you should want, he should want to do it i don't i don't know i agree i think a sex therapist would be would be great

give it a shot thank you so much but uh yeah try not to try not to get on each of those nerves it sounds like there's some hope here at least i don't you know there is absolutely yeah this is like a minor blimp we we will be a hundred percent fine i'm a very patient person and he's worth it so all right well best of luck yeah okay thank you all right take care bye-bye okay bye how's it going? Hi, I'm good. How are you? Good. What's your name? I'm Lauren. I'm 21. Hi, Lauren. How can I help? Okay. This is kind of a long story. I don't even really know where to start. I guess I'll try to like make it pretty brief at first and then you can just ask questions. Great. So basically I met this guy like two-ish years ago like my freshman year of college

and we kind of like immediately hit it off and I was like oh my gosh like I want to date him blah blah blah he was already friends with one of my best friends like that was a thing and then we like kind of dated like went on a few dates and then I changed my mind because I am I don't know crazy like basically every time we would go on a date I would just like dread it and I felt like he was being kind of fake like just he's not a super open person so it just kind of scared me because I'm pretty like direct right from the beginning if that makes sense so I kind of like friend zoned him I don't know in if you want to use those words like I was just like oh I think they'd be better off as friends and so we became friends and we got really close over the next like year or so like to the point where we were like

best friends and like my best friends are also his best friends it's like a group of like four of us that are like really close and that was the thing for like a year and then around last like I want to say November like literally like a year ago basically um we became friends with benefits because I I'm just an idiot I don't know I just thought it would be fun. So that happened. And then that developed into a relationship because we were already best friends and then we were having sex. So it was basically already a relationship. So we kind of just made the decision to make a relationship. I mean, we both already had feelings for each other anyway, so it made sense. to make a relationship. I mean, we both already had feelings for each other anyway. So like it made sense. Okay. And the, all the things that you didn't like in the beginning, you were saying his fakeness or whatever, did that all get better? Oh yeah, definitely. All right. So now you're best

friends and now you're having sex. Yes. So then we dated for like six months ish okay and then I broke up with him in like June I think yeah for different reasons from why I friendzoned him the first time and I told him that I still wanted to be friends and that like I value our friendship so much and he got really pissed and was like absolutely not like I'm never being friends with you again we're never gonna talk again you're never gonna see or hear from me again and I was like oof that really sucks but like whatever you need to do to heal um then like I'm well we didn't really talk that much over the summer but oh oh I forgot like a really major part of this so me him and one of my other best friends had already signed a lease to live together like a year ago like before we even started dating already signed a lease to live together like a year ago. Like before we even started dating,

we signed a lease to live together this year. So now we're like currently signed a lease a year in advance. Yes. Okay. Yeah. That alone seems silly, but okay. That's how the college kids are doing it these days,

man. Gotcha. All right. So yeah, now we moved in together. Like I thought he was going to get out of the lease but then he didn't because he kind of like forgave me and was like oh like maybe we should stay friends so then we moved in together in august with our other best friend and like it

was great and then we kind of went back to exactly where we were right before we started dating so we kind of were hooking up again um and best friends so then i was like oh we should just get back together and he was like yeah no like basically his reasoning was like i don't want to get hurt again because i'm very indecisive and can be non-committal, but I feel like things have changed. I've grown, and I feel like he's grown, and the problems that existed when we broke up don't exist anymore. Like what? I felt like we didn't understand each other very well. And I also, like I said...

Wait, wait, wait. Are you thinking for him? Did he say that, or you broke up with him? No, I broke up with him like no i i broke up with him because you well yeah but you can't think for him that makes sense yeah i i mean i think i it's not that i think that i was wrong to break up with him but like i think that some of the reasons were kind of immature and like you you think you were immature yes okay because i think my way of thinking was very much like oh the grass is always greener on the other side kind of thing

so i was like very scared of staying in that relationship when i felt that there could be something better out there for me like a better match um maybe there is and also the fact that you know it's part of it is proximity you're living together you got yourself in a bad situation bad environment quite frankly i don't know how you're making these like it's so hard for you to make these decisions with a clear mind you know uh because he lives there and you're seeing him and it becomes such a power um like you it's you guys are like rubbing it in your each other's faces whenever you're showing independence or or disinterest in and in one another like you live together so like you

know when he's home and when he's not home and when he's not home who is he with etc etc such an easy way to get jealous or insecure or to like someone for all the wrong reasons i don't know if you do or not but i think the important thing is the fact that we live together i don't it sucks but i guess i don't know what your exact question is but fine that you put yourself out there and you wanted to get back together, but it's also fine. And maybe the right thing that he was like, no. And,

and that's, and you just have to deal with that. I guess that's my question is like, how do I get over that frustration? Cause it just, it feels very frustrating, but I felt like it's my fault that. Yeah,

but it wasn't, you got it. You broke up. And that was your decision. And if he really wanted to be with you, he'd be with you. He would get over it. He lives with you. Don't let him or don't let yourself put that burden on you.

You broke up. Yes, you broke up with him, but he's still living with you. You still have hooked up since. Like he has gotten over it. And if his reasons for not getting back together with you are true in the sense that he just doesn't trust your flippantness about, you know, which you don't even know aren't true.

You don't really aren't sure. And so give it time. Don't demand answers from him because that plays into your, that would play into my insecurity with you if I were him. Well, I want this right now and you don't want it, but that makes me want it more. Be mature. Maturity would be like, okay, I respect your decision.

Let's still be close. Let's still spend time together but i have to maturely respect the distance and space that you ask for and things will happen or get let let be mature about it take things slow don't do things out of spite and don't start rubbing it in his face that you're dating other men or or whatever you're gonna have to build trust and and that comes with time and sincerity and not doing things to get a reaction. Okay. You know, so if you really want to get back, say that again.

I feel like I have been working on doing. Yes, but like, that's not for you to decide. You don't get to work on it for a month or two months and be like, you know what, I've changed. Maybe he has, he clearly hasn't seen it to the point where he feels comfortable enough okay that's fair and this is not about one thing right yeah and you don't like when you're doing things to prove to someone else it just read that this reads as insincere i'm only doing it because i want you to do what i want. He needs to see when you're not trying to get back together with him in a sense. And so live your life. He has chosen he doesn't want to get back together.

You respect that. And you should date. You should do your thing. And it should just be about trusting each other. Your living situation is not ideal right that sucks yeah uh i don't know i guess maybe there's nothing you guys can do about it i mean there definitely is something you can do about it he can you can definitely he can leave or you can leave it's super inconvenient i get that but like you guys are choosing not to do something about it

fine yeah but um yeah for you i think the big thing is you know you say you've grown up and you say you've gotten more mature maybe a little bit but it sounds like maybe you could use some more and that is just being patient and and not demanding that thing people respond to you whenever you're ready. You know? Yeah. That makes a lot of sense. I would say patience is not one of my strong suits. Yeah.

And that's okay. But it seems like you're willing to recognize that. It seems like you're taking feedback. You know, you're asking these questions. Like a lot of people don't do that. So you can give yourself some credit there. I'm doing my best. But I think you need to, showing him that you respect his decision

is a great way to make someone feel like they can trust you and that you're mature enough and you're not irrational. If he thinks that you are irrational, if he thinks that you, he can't trust, you know, he doesn't trust your own ability to know your what you want yeah that's a scary proposition yeah well i believe that you want me now but we both know that you don't know how you'll feel in a month kind of thing i've been in those types of relationships before it sucks you're just like you want what you can't have and you're i think you need to really you know maybe just be

single for a while and casually date and and really just kind of focus on yourself and and you know okay i mean that makes sense so do you think that like i like is it fine to be dating right now even though yeah he doesn it fine to be dating right now? Even though he doesn't want to be with you again, it's just a subtlety in how you go about it. You know, you respect his decision. Fine. Take some time. Be private about your dating life. Yeah. You know, because you don't want him to think you're rubbing it in his face. Right.

You know, respect the boundaries that you've had a relationship and super awkward and this is not an ideal situation. So as far as he is concerned, be private about your dating life. Okay. Because you have the right to date. He doesn't want to be with you. But just don't be rubbing it in his face.

Don't be playing games. Don't like, you know what I'm saying? Don't be like, you know, don't be bringing guys over just because you know it's going to piss him off. Yeah. Little shit like that that's just going to like create more of a toxic animosity between the two of you but yeah date go on dating apps go on dates you know if he starts who are you going out with just be like well do you and then be mature like listen i like you do you really want to know i'm i'm only i'm doing you know and just have mature conversations about like the situation you guys find yourselves in.

Don't say things to be mean. Don't react. Don't do things out of spite. Don't do things to get them jealous. Just try to have a sincere conversation with someone that you say you care as a person. That's hard to do. But your first thing when you do it, don't do whatever your first reaction is. You know what I'm saying?

Like when you get mad, take a moment, think how should I react? What would I, after I calm down, don't respond with your initial feelings. That's good advice. I feel like I'm usually such a logical person and this is like taking all the logic out of me. Yeah, because you feel about it.

You have a strong feelings and, and no matter how logical you are, things can work you up and that you're human. That's the human side of it. And you've gotten yourself in a not great environment. Like you shouldn't be living with this guy. And if you want to choose to like, fine.

I mean, my rec, my first recommendation would be to like, one of you guys move out and you guys can do it. I knew that was going to be one of them. It's super inconvenient, but you can do it. You guys are choosing to not do something about it. But that being said,

if you guys are going to continue to live with each other, then you just really have to go out of your way to make the most of a situation. Quite frankly, even if you wanted to get back together, I would say like, you guys should just be friends until you guys don't live together anymore yeah and then in the future stop making decisions that like don't make any sense like don't move in with someone you are friends with benefits with or you know like I've ever had a history with benefits at the time I really didn't

think I was ever gonna date him again I promise yeah but he was something you had dated that don't don't ever do that don't ever move in with someone that you've ever like seen naked that's you know rule of thumb unless you're in a relationship with and like you and you know the stakes of the relationship okay all right all right but yeah uh do the best you can with what you have. So be patient. Keep trying to mature on my own. Be respectful of his decision. Don't move in with people that I've dated.

Yeah. I mean, he probably still likes you. He just doesn't trust you. And, you know, maybe rightfully so. It doesn't sound like you have it all figured out yet about yourself and that's totally okay you know but just be okay with that you have some you know growing i mean how i've growing up to do so it's not not a big deal that at 21 in college you still have some like maturing and growing up to do and getting to know yourself yeah it's okay be patient with

yourself about that so all right all right thank you all right take care all right have a good day bye you too bye-bye well what an episode i know we got some good ones in there today uh i want uh she just needs to be willing to leave her husband what a dick stop going to the bar every day well that was like the big theme is that this episode was kind of like he's really nice but well that's a lot because i mean we said the other episode of you know stop making these promises to other people and to ourselves about our tolerance for bad behavior. Yeah.

I mean, be willing to work on things with your partner, but they got to be willing to work on it with you too. And if they are not willing to make you, if they're not willing to, if their solution to your problems is deal with it. Yeah. It's not a solution. That's a, that's the overall,

that's the, that's the time to consider, you know, an alternative. Yeah. Thanks for calling in. Send your questions at asknickatcastme.com. Cast with a K.

Don't forget that we have our breakup books. New merch. Just because you're sad doesn't mean you're special. That's true. These are books are meant for you to give to your friends and to yourself. And then when you're sad, you only put things in this book. You only write what you're frustrated about with the person you're trying to get over the person you're sad about you don't write what you miss you just write he never listened to me he always went to the bars every

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what a fucking dick. It's the Why He Sucks book. Yeah. It's a breakup book. It's a breakup book. Just give it to your friends. Yeah. Get our focus

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