The Viall Files - E198 Ask Nick - Flirtationships

Episode Date: November 16, 2020

On todays Ask Nick we first speak with someone who’s boyfriend has an excessive network of female friends around him and she does not know how to handle it. Next we speak to a married women who is having some daring sexual fantasies that she would love to present to her husband to try and get her desires met. Unrequited love is basically the topic of our next conversation and making sure you set the expectations of a relationship. Our last caller is torn when the gossip of an affair is taking over the conversation in a group of friends and she doesn’t know if she should tell the person what everyone is saying about her. So get ready because Nick gives his opinion on all of it, even if it is hard to hear.  “Its what the pool boy represents and how it makes you feel.” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Reliefband: http://www.reliefband.com use promo code VIALL to receive 20% off.  Headspace: http://www.heaadspace.com/viall for a free one month trial with access to Headspace’s full library of meditations for every situation.  Echelon: http://www.echelonfit.com/viall to try Echelon Fitness equipment at home for 30 days. Amazon Music: http://www.amazon.com/viall to get your first three months of Amazon Music Free.  Rothys: http://www.rothys.com/viall to check out all the amazing shoes and bags.  Plenty Of Fish: Find the full list of 2021 Dating Trends on Plenty of Fish’s blog, The Latest Catch (http://www.blog.pof.com) and download Plenty of Fish from the App Store or Google Play to signup for a free membership today. Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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And my friends at Plenty of Fish, I advocate for. I don't say that lightly. Because they take time to find out what's going on in the dating scene. And I tell you what. I have Plenty of Fish's new dating app trends for 2021 right in front of me. Hot off the press, each year Plenty of Fish pulls its members to identify the newest major trends tied to dating, relationships, and breakups, providing a glimpse into their lives of singles. This year's trends do not disappoint.

You ready for them? Apocalypsing. We talk a lot about apocalypsing on this show. We haven't called it apocalypsing, but it's when you get super serious with someone, you just start dating, and you treat every relationship like it's the last. We get a lot of those callers on Ask. I don't we haven't called it apocalypsing But it's when you get super serious with someone you just start dating and you treat every relationship like it's the last We get a lot of those colors on ass Nick don't we not? Oh, like this is the last person that I'll ever gonna love ever in my entire life. That would be like apocalypsing Yeah, and then they do it with every person they date got it. Yeah, they treat every relationship like it's that's the one Yeah, you know when you like you you feel like you've known them forever, but you don't,

and you fill in the gaps of who you want them to be as opposed to paying attention to who they really are. Yes. I don't know why you're looking at me like that, Nicholas. Looking at everyone, but I do feel like it could work with you. Possibly. End gaming is when you accidentally, you quotes send an nsfw do you know what an nsfw is it's a photo you're not supposed to send not suitable for work

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Well, we didn't win. That didn't take long at all. That took a second. We're actually recording this intro. Is the People's Choice on right now? People's Choice is probably on right now, yeah. We don't know who won at this moment. I just know I didn't win.

I know that much. So congratulations to whoever the winner is. Congrats. It was an honor the winner is. Congrats. It was an honor to be nominated. I'm in no way bitter. I'm not disappointed in you guys at all. No, I'm just kidding. Thank you, everybody, for voting so much.

We really appreciate it. Chrissy's here to say the things I should be mad enough. No, I'm just kidding. What man enough to say obviously I appreciate you guys and it's fine there's always next year something to aim it was our first nomination first one next year we'll try to win but we have a great

week for you so this episode is great apparently we talk about flirtationships did I make that up flirtationships. Did I make that up? No. You and a caller kind of came up with flirtationships. Okay. Did I give good advice? You gave amazing advice.

You always give good advice. Fortune Feimster is here tomorrow to help us break down this episode of The Bachelorette. On Wednesday, we have our 200th episode with a very special guest what i'm very excited for justin long justin long who uh i've tried to get on a few times we he almost came out he was almost a guest like when we did like we were on our episode 30 a lot of people have suggested justin because, well, he has a very successful podcast as well. He's a very awesome actor. And he's like the, well, he's the main character

in the movie He's Just Not That Into You, which a lot of people associate with our Ask Nick episodes. And so we have Justin on. We record it tomorrow. I can tell you it's amazing. And so tune in for that. So thanks for sticking around. Don't forget to subscribe.

Rate us five stars if you want. And otherwise, enjoy this episode. Question time with Vic. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Hi, my name is Sarah. I'm 26. How are you? Great.

How are you? How can I help? Good. So I'm going through a transitional phase with my boyfriend of around two and a half years. And there's a lot of emotions and stuff coming up during it. I'm just trying to figure out what's the best way to react. So we lived together for the past year, and all of our pandemic and quarantine,

we're spending a lot of time together. And it kind of bubbled up a lot of issues that we'd had throughout the whole relationship. So at the end, we decided to move out. So we're still dating, but two weeks ago, we transitioned to our new living arrangements. Whose choice was that? It was his. So the problem that we had throughout the relationship was that he has an extensive

network of girlfriends and I've always had jealousy issues with them. And some of them, like, well, actually that's not true. We were, I was friends with them initially and then they started to say nasty comments and mean things would come up. And he would be extensively flirty with some of them. Like, so one of my really good friends that was in the relationship, or sorry, one of my really good friends, he wound up sleeping in her bed at one point when he didn't have an alarm clock because he had lost his phone. So in order to wake up on time, he slept in her room.

And so she came to me and she was like, Rachel, you guys are talking, but you're not dating yet. But I thought that was really weird. So when I would bring things up like that to him, he would always be caught off guard. And he was like, no, no, no, I never meant to hurt you. It was never meant to have anything out of context. This was in the beginning of the relationship, I think?

Yeah, it was before we were even exclusive. So we addressed that stuff and I cut it off where it was and I said that if it went on like that then I wouldn't be able to keep dating him and he said that um he wasn't going to do anything like that but we had I've had that base of distrust um so he cut off a lot of his relationships that he thought were sketchier or were flirtier. Based off of you asking him to or? Based on me asking him to, which, but then he did,

he cut it off and he started feeling more isolated and more lonely. So then he started reaching out to the girls again, which made me feel incredibly jealous or scared. And now that we're living apart, he's set it as a standard that he can reach out to them and he can do anything. And even as sketchier moments are popping up, like I found that one of them who he swore to me was platonic. I found out that it wasn't always platonic. And he says that he's allowed, that's allowed. And so now he's going out with the friends, I'm not invited, and I just have to deal with it. That's just one element of our relationship, though. Like,

for a relationship, for the most part, it is really good. And he does brighten my day. And he is someone that I really trust and rely on. But I just don't know how much power I should allow him to have or what my cutoff should be. Great questions. I don't know if I have an actual answer. I feel like I need to observe you guys in the wild I'm also really curious about his point of view like I kind of wish he was on this call

because like the way you talk there are times even in the past like two minutes that you shared your story I was like I don't know Sarah seems like maybe just a little well you know tightly wound or like a little jaded or maybe you have your own trust issues and then there are other things that you said i'm like i kind of sounds like a dick you know what i'm saying like and i i just and so it's like you i feel like the devil's in the details right you know when he likes like when you told the story about him sleeping in his girlfriend's bed because he didn't have an alarm clock, now that excuse itself kind of sounds kind of lame in terms of like if he could have slept on a couch and she could have set an alarm because if she's sleeping in the bed, she's going to hear the alarm anyway.

So it's just like, hey, I'm sorry for the inconvenience, but can you set your alarm? And then when you wake up, can you wake me up on the couch? That's super easy. He doesn't have to do that. At the same time, you weren't exclusive. You weren't boyfriend and girlfriend. And assuming they didn't have sex, I don't think it's the end of the world

that he slept next to a girl while he was dating you. Right. And then you weren't exclusive. And then you used the phrase like a foundation of lies or something like to that effect. And I'm just like, well, why? I'm thinking to myself, why do you have to look at it so drastically? Like how come because he did that one thing when you weren't dating, did you decide that your relationship is built on the foundation of a lie? That sounds a bit drastic to me.

At the same time, I think it's weird that he's just like this is how it is now i'm hanging out with these people you're not invited deal with it that's like in general not a good thing in any relationship so i'm just like that's kind of how i'm breaking down everything you just said to me so i guess you have something to say um do you meditate you should i'm serious it's great i know i love meditating i love it anxious if uh you just feel stressed meditation is a great way to go and with headspace you can do it right from the comfort of your home life can be stressful even under normal circumstances. 2020 has challenged even the most difficult times of life. You need stress relief that goes beyond quick fixes.

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Yeah, so I think it does sound dramatic from that one example. The bigger, and we weren't exclusive. It's not an end of the world thing at all, but what made it worse is the stuff that I found out more recently. Just the story that he tells me is different from what happens

and that's what drives me up a wall. Well, that I get. But here's my question to you is, you don't have revisionist history. You know what I'm saying? I get that you found that out now. But were you always a little jealous? Were you always a little insecure

as a result of that thing he did when you weren't dating? You know what I'm saying? I get that he did that now. And that is wrong wrong and you can address that for what it is now, right? But that doesn't get you to justify if you were acting a certain way that might have been inappropriate. And I'm not saying it wasn't appropriate. You know what I'm saying? What I'm saying is if this thing that you said he did when you weren't exclusive, sleeping next to a female that he is a platonic friend with. Was it this girl?

Was that the girl? Or is this a different girl? That's not the girl that he was messaging. Okay, so he slept next to a female that he's friends with is for the sake of waking up on time while you guys were talking but not dating right that regardless of what you just found out is not a reason for you to freak yourself out feel like you can't trust them constantly wonder if he's being honest right all. Right. Now, sometimes, and maybe this is what I'm hearing, and I don't want to speak for you,

but what really bugs me sometimes, well, not sometimes, what always bugs me in relationships is, it's the, you know, kind of what you're saying, it's the lying. It's not that they're doing anything wrong. It's just like, it sounds like and if i would you thought his story was bullshit like regardless of whether he was doing something wrong you felt like his

story was bullshit like we're not dating you can sleep next to your friend but i don't buy this alarm clock story you know right so if that's what you're saying i can i i could see that but then the question is like why does he have to tell you this story why did he even come up in a situation when you weren't dating because she told me why did she tell you who gives a shit she thought it was yeah yeah yeah are you you're is she she, are you friends with this girl? Was she telling you to piss you off? I was at the time. Yeah.

So it wasn't to piss me off. It was to like warn me. His friend warned you about him. Right. But then she went, so like, that's kind of a dead, whatever.

Yeah. Dead friendship. We've moved on past that. And then what I've thought, what I'm finding now is that that's kind of a dead, whatever. Yeah, a dead franchise. We've moved on past that. And then what I'm finding now is that that's not the only time. There was more examples of it. But that was also a relation. All of those problems were two years ago. I found a way.

I built a bridge. I moved on. In all the bad actions, it seems like, were two years ago. The problem is that now he's running off with like the same group of people and just saying trust me um have fun at home i got a question for you yes or no answer yeah do you trust your boyfriend um yes or no yes yes very unconvincing I don't think he would physically

cheat on me I think that his boundaries are different than my boundaries and I think he would cross a lot of lines that I wouldn't cross that's interesting you confidently you feel very confident and you very much trust your boyfriend that you're not worried that he is going to have sex with, make out with, hook up with any other woman that he's friends with or otherwise.

You're not worried about that. But I also think if he did, he wouldn't tell me. So you don't trust your boyfriend. I know. I know. So I guess that's where I'm confused on. Because if I knew that I trusted him, I wouldn't have a problem. It doesn't sound like you trust him. No.

That's just how it sounds. That's fine. But I think it is interesting, this boundary thing, right? Like you're just not communicating your boundaries. Now, that's something that could be a you thing, right? Like you're just not communicating your boundaries. Now that's something that could be a you problem, right? Again, there's a lot of relationships and a lot of different people who have different points of view on what's okay and not okay in a relationship. And a lot of times when we're younger, we can be a little more tightly wound about like, well, that's just not okay. That's not what my parents did. My parents didn't do it. That's wrong. My friends told me, you know, my church

says it's wrong. It's wrong. I don't, whatever the reason we have all these things that we say we're not supposed to do. If you loved me, you wouldn't do this. You would walk a thousand miles if you, you know, all these things we do say to ourselves. And sometimes we get a little older, we meet people and it's like, I don't know, I don't think that really matters to me. That doesn't really mean anything. I've been in relationships where they did all these things and they still broke my heart. You know what I'm saying? Like you kind of re-evaluate what it means to feel love and you re-evaluate what it means to make you feel safe in relationships and you re-evaluate what you think it means to trust someone. And sometimes we struggle with all the things that we told ourselves that were

in the past and so you just have to decide what is it more of is it you is it like younger sarah or they're parts of sarah that have you have decided if he loves me he wouldn't want to do this and he's kind of doing it and then i don't trust him or is because i don't trust him does that make sense yeah it makes sense and i think that's one of the problems that i'm constantly like i mean when i ask for advice on this i'm always asking that question but kind of like am i crazy question like is this a boundary that everyone else would have or is this something that is a problem? I strongly feel that I don't think it should be that complicated. And I don't know if it's you complicating it more or if he's complicating it more.

And so like, and I'm sure you've heard me say this before, right? Like, your boyfriend and girlfriends can be friends with the opposite sex. They need to go out of their way to make sure that their girlfriends or boyfriends feel very comfortable with their friends of the opposite sex. I personally believe, this is just a belief of mine, right? That if I have a girlfriend and I have female friends, that I want to maintain that relationship if I'm bringing in a girlfriend into my life. It's my responsibility to make sure they feel comfortable, you know? And now I want to date someone who's confident enough in themselves

and trusts me enough that they, you know, aren't constantly questioning me. But, like, there are certain boundaries, and you just have to check in. Are you are you okay with that you know i want them to be able to hang out on themselves and so i just i do think it's the responsibility of the person with the the friends to do that you know and so it's a it's a balance right if i was dating someone who was just like well i don't know i just don't like her i just don't like her. I just don't like her. And, you know, it's just like, well, man, there's just there's there's there's nothing we're doing to make you uncomfortable. Then I don't know if I could date someone who just wasn't a trusting person. They had their own baggage or whatever. Or maybe my friend was acting shady. That happens a lot sometimes too. You can be friends with someone of the opposite sex.

We're friends. We're platonic friends. We're super chill and cool. And then you meet a girl, all right? Or you meet a guy. And then your platonic friend starts acting weird around you. They don't want to hang out with you anymore. Or they don't want to hang out with you when your girlfriend comes over. And they're just like, well, I don't know.

I don't want to see your girlfriend. She's like, well, I mean, I don't know. My other guy friends want to meet my girlfriend. Why don't you want to hang out with you when your girlfriend comes over. And they're just like, well, I don't know. I don't want to see your girlfriend. She's like, well, I mean, I don't know. My other guy friends want to meet my girlfriend. Why don't you want to meet my girlfriend? People can change. And so you... I mean, the problem was that when we first started dating, he was just actually flirty with them.

And so then when we became exclusive, like the one girl specifically, she would call like seven times while we were watching a YouTube video she was just constantly calling because they had been flirty and i didn't know this but they had just like ended their flirtationship flirtation and so then they or whatever um they and so they and then but like she when she needed financial advice or when she needed car advice she would call my boyfriend she just and or when she needed relationship advice like she would just my boyfriend. Or when she needed relationship advice, she would just call my boyfriend even though they had just been wordy. And he would always defend it because they were best friends.

And he would always defend it because she needed someone to go to. I think I just feel undervalued because he valued. That was my next question too. Okay, jury's still out whether you really trust your boyfriend. My next question to you is do you feel where do you feel like where do you feel like you fall on the list of priorities for your boyfriend how prioritized do you make do you does your boyfriend make you feel i low since the move out like there's been better times but like right now low okay now yeah well that's

natural like that makes sense like it would be natural i think it could be a very mature thing for two people in a relationship who move things really fast even maybe live together for whatever reason and and and take a look at that relationship and say i i really love you i want to be with you, but I don't know if this living together right now is the right thing. And that could feel like a breakup, and it can feel like a step back, but I actually think that could be, in some cases, a very healthy and mature thing to do.

Now, if that's what's going on, great. But you seem to have a lot of uncertainty around your relationship. You're more confused about your relationship than you should be for someone you've been dating a real long time. That much is clear. Yes. And what is he doing to try to reassure you

that you shouldn't be confused about what's going on? And that's, I do want to like step so this was a it was a practical decision and i it was more on him but it was a practical decision that we both made okay just so that we wouldn't wind up in a bad situation if the breakup did happen um so wait okay but your wording concerns me because there's like one thing of like hey listen i i love you we just spent a lot of time together i don't i've no inclination to breaking up with you but i just don't think we should live together i think that's a totally reasonable thing you just made it seem like you

were preparing it's just like i don't know things are rough right now i'm not ready to break up with you but if we do let's find our own places so that we have a clearer option to break up if it's not going well. That's what I heard from you. Hey, let's just start cranking those holiday tunes and make sure you're doing it with Amazon Music. For a limited time, you get your first three months of Amazon Music Unlimited for free. That's access to over 70 million songs, many of which can be Christmas songs. On demand and ad free, play the songs you want when you want. Free for

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That is rothys.com, R-O-T-H-Y-S dot com slash V-I-A-L-L. Yeah, and that might be a little bit closer to what's happening. Yeah, well, if that's the case, then I think the writing's on the wall. happening yeah well if that's the case then i think the writing's on the wall but that's that's not progress that's a that's preparing i mean it's progress in the sense that like maybe you guys just really know what's going on you have a hard time admitting it to yourselves and he's just like slowly playing you out of his life now i don't mean like playing you like he's tricking you and you're a part of this too. And it sounds like you're not

totally happy with things either. It sounds like, quite honestly, it sounds like you're quite more miserable than you should be in a relationship. But if you're already moving out, just in case you break up, I feel like it's, you're kind of already.

We're just dragging it out at this point. I think you start asking yourself some very direct questions do i trust him and don't get analytical about it don't like break it down what does your gut tell you yeah you know am i happy answer that question to yourself do i feel like a priority gut gut reactions of these questions is what you should be answering yourself don't break it down don't be like well sometimes i do and sometimes that when he does you know none of that just what does your gut tell you and if the answer to some of those questions are not what they should be then you just

you as a human you deserve that and so, right? Like, you sound way too confused about a relationship you've invested a lot of time in. Yeah. Yeah. And the question is, are you going to get, if you're not, if you don't trust him that much right now, does your gut tell you you ever can? I mean, you might be playing into some of your own insecurities,

but I think it's safe to say that he's doing nothing to help you right yeah yeah um there's always like a like hope that like the next conversation or the next whatever it'll he'll start to click or my god if you did like these couple of things i think i would totally feel fine but it just never kind of comes yeah and i'm sorry and i know you're it's sad but the best like without trying to play games i think the best thing you can do for the relationship and for yourself right in the short term because right now you're still in a relationship is to kind of take charge of your own happiness and independence. Because right now I think you're relying on him for that a little bit too much and he might even feel that.

And human nature finds that annoying. He's fucked you up a little bit. Yeah, maybe it's me though, maybe. Well, I mean, all have play a role but yeah I think right now you just need to trust your gut okay awesome all right um yeah thanks for the advice very actionable very helpful all right we'll take care it sounds good you too all right bye-bye how's it going good how are you good what's your name my name is emily and i am 26 hi emily how can i help so my husband and i will be married for a year in march together six years um and i guess the best way I can describe it is that I get, like, these fantasies of, like, I don't know, like, cheating on him or, like, doing something I shouldn't be doing.

And I know I don't want to cheat on him. But it's these ideas that, like, pop in my head and then I feel super guilty about it. And I'm wondering like what's a good way to bring up wanting to explore options in the bedroom as far as different things that are exciting without being like, hey, kind of think it would be fun to cheat on you but don't want to do that well maybe take cheat out of your vocabulary when you yeah that's just not like alarming word for anyone in a relationship definitely is now not that replacing it with something else is going to necessarily make them feel better like do you have a pretty open relationship when it by open i mean maybe the bad choice of words do you have a how well do you and your husband communicate pretty well I think the issue is is that

we're such best friends that I think we have a very joking relationship so like when I think of role play all I can think of is like that's going to be so awkward because we would just probably laugh the whole time. Okay. Well, that's maybe something you guys need to work on, right? Yeah. Probably. That's great. I'm married to my best friend. What a win, right?

What a great sense of humor. You have fun. I mean, shit, that's great that you guys have that and don't apologize for that. That's something that will allow you to have a happy marriage for years to come. But there are other needs that people have, right? And it sounds like you're looking for a little bit more excitement in the bedroom. Yeah. Yep.

And it sounds like you're open to finding that excitement with your husband before you, you know, fuck other dudes. Yeah. like you're open to finding that excitement with your husband before you you know fuck other dudes yeah so listen you're just gonna you know you've heard you're gonna have to you're going to have to try to have an uncomfortable conversation with your husband okay so right now you're like you like a bare minimum you want to start role-playing you don't even role-play you don't talk dirty what do you guys tell jokes and or is it just like silent when you're having sex i don't know i mean i almost like i'm trying to think of different scenarios in my head that could make it feel like i'm doing something wrong when i'm not and you know obviously in a committed monogamous relationship that's very possible with a little bit of role playing with a little bit of dirty talk with a little bit of like calling you names that maybe once you guys are done he's immediately like i listen i do not think you're a dirty whore you're definitely not

a slut and i i really respect you yeah but while you're having sex maybe throw some of it in there and makes you feel you know i don't know what want to feel, but maybe you want to feel like dirty and objectified. I don't fucking know. Like, and you know what? In the bedroom, that's nothing wrong with that. Like, clearly you don't want your husband to feel that way. But like a lot of people out there like to have a throne of fantasy and they like to feel a way that, yeah, it feels wrong. It feels, you know, dirty and it feels inappropriate and that is exciting

you don't have to apologize for that so like you just have to find a safe place for you and your husband to talk about this okay right yeah because like i think when i've tried to do my research about stuff like this like the number one thing that pops up is oh have him pretend he's a pizza delivery guy delivering a pizza well that's just vitamin listen maybe that works for them i i don't think like there's it doesn't sound like you're even there yet with your husband you need to be able to just talk to your husband about like mixing it up yeah Yeah. The idea of role-playing and the idea of dirty talking, you know, like whatever it is, give him the freedom to, you know, listen, hey, when we're in bed,

can you treat me this way? You know, give him the idea of how you want to be treated. Let him decide what to say. And then he can maybe say something that makes him feel comfortable like it gets weird when you're like be a pizza delivery boy be a pool boy be a like what i don't huh no how do you want to feel in bed what excitement and things do you want to like imagine tell him that kind of framework that you're looking for and let him decide the best

way to do that. And I don't know if he's going to get it right, but at least I think that might be easier for him to do. He might also think it's exciting. Wait, you want me to treat you how? Maybe it could take some frustration and anger out on you in the bedroom and in a very healthy and safe place that where no one gets hurt we want to emphasize that but does that make sense am i making sense chrissy am i yes yeah yeah i think you are yeah and i think that's probably about like what i'm going for i guess like just like you said like the only thing that i could think in my head was like cheat cheat cheat yeah so take that out of your vocabulary there's a reason why people

do role play a monogamous committed relationships because it's the idea of you don't know each other like there's just there's scenes in movies where just like you they meet that like they're two strangers like there's a movie with uh vince vaughn and and um reese witherspoon four christmases when they opening the movie they're playing like, is your husband here? Is he going to catch us? Like they're both married, right? They're playing like they are cheating on their spouses with each other. It's like,

it's fun and exciting. As long as you guys are talking about this and, and into it, it's fine. Yeah. Because it is that it's, it's a feeling you're trying to elicit that'll, and that's that feeling that you're not getting.

That's cause you have some of these thoughts about the, you keep saying cheating. There's nothing you're not, you don't and that's that feeling that you're not getting that's caused you have some of these thoughts about the you keep saying cheating there's nothing you don't shouldn't feel guilty about that you just have to find a way to elicit those feelings with your husband okay didn't you also say you wanted to like get caught oh yes so like so i feel like that's a place where you can take charge right like you want to like that feeling of getting caught and that's a place where you can be like yeah we're walking out of a store and i'm gonna throw them against an alleyway and see listen have them call you a dirty whore in bed and it sounds like that might do you some do you some favors she's smiling i mean sounds like like if i'm hearing you right i think you just want to be told that you're a bad bad girl you know i think so and yeah and i

think it's just like like you said switching it up we've we've been together six years and i remember like the first few months of us talking like we would have sex in his truck and like have sex when his roommates were home and not care how loud we were and it's just like especially now that we have a one-year-old it's like we go to bed and we kind of just do it to do it and then we go to sleep and it it's definitely getting like like i'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with this person i don't want it to be boring after six years you need to be able to have a conversation with your husband and have an honest conversation about like how you want to feel sometimes. You want to feel, sometimes you want to feel sexy. Sometimes you want to feel loved. Sometimes you want to feel respected.

Sometimes you want to feel disrespected. And it's fun to feel disrespected with someone you know deep down respects you, you know, so you're not worried about that but like you want to feel a little bit you know maybe it's a hair pull i don't fucking know but you know what i'm saying he you need to have this conversation with your husband and i guess i wouldn't be so specific about like roles he should play but tell him how you want to feel and see if he can figure that out i feel like i've thought that too where it's like i would like to be almost like disrespected in the bedroom. But then I even thought to myself, like, but don't say that stuff to me when we're not in the bedroom. Of course not.

Because that's just fucking weird. I mean, I've literally have had times with people I've been, you know, dating or in a relationship. And I know we're good. And I know she's fine. But I just like, I want to make it very clear that what I said there, I don't feel that way about you. You know what I'm saying? And I think that's okay to check in because you know that because you don't, you know, when you play with fire, you just want to make sure no one's getting burnt. And I think it's good when you're not in bed to just reaffirm that you love and respect each other.

But like when the lights go off in your other bedroom, you play role you go for it you like talk to each other and again that's what i mean by role playing i'd like it's a feeling you're trying to elicit you know you don't give a shit if you play as a pool boy very well it's what that pool boy represents and how he makes you feel pizza guy whatever the fuck you know all righty so just have a but you know point is you need to talk to your husband about like how you want to feel and i what i'm saying is there's nothing wrong with how you're feeling just don't don't say i want to feel like i'm cheating on you you can you can i think get the point across without yeah i think that those would probably be the last words that i portrayed to him you want to feel like you guys are doing something wrong

with each other yeah it's wrong that's okay and do it with someone that you feel very safe with yeah listen go for it as the general let's go okay all right but tell your husband that you want to spice it up and and don't say, I want to spice it up. Be like, I want you to make me feel this way. Yeah. Have some fun. I'm giving you the freedom to have some fun. Okay.

See what he comes up with. All right. All right. All right. Well, thank you guys so much. Best of luck. How's it going? Hi. Hi. Thank you for having me today so okay my name is britney i'm 22 i just recently graduated college and i'm calling today

because i'm still kind of talking to or i'm friends with someone that i was like with or hooking up with for a while and i'm worried that he might have more feelings than he's letting on which might set him up for like heartbreak or something um should I go into the background I mean just tell me the why you feel that way okay yeah um so I like lived on site and so did he and a bunch of other co-workers and we were all like really close in like a friendly way and I started hooking up with one of the guys so like I would sleep over a lot and people say we acted like a couple but we never like define the relationship or had any sort of like serious talks like that um but he did say he like um but we never talked and sorry um and like we were there for like three

months and then we all we live in different states but we never talked about like, we were there for like three months and then we all, we live in different States, but we never talked about like what we were going to do after like the season ended at this job. Um, but he did say he wanted to come visit me on my next job. And I kind of assumed we were just going to like fade out a bit and talk every now and then, but like flash forward to now. And we talk a little bit every day and there was some like heart emojis that I misuse. But other than that, the conversation is like really casual and normal. Um, but I did find his like side Twitter account, I guess.

And he uses it like a diary. And he posted some tweets like that I believe are about me. Like, wow, I love this girl. Pictures of me with hearts. Like, I want to give this girl my heart. You're not interested in this guy. I mean, I liked him and I still like him. But like with the distance, I don't see like how,

like we live in different States. He's like, he's a year younger. So he's still in college. Like, I don't see how it could really work out. And I thought like, um, yeah. So I'm not like interested in like a long distance relationship or anything. And I'm just worried now that he's, but where are you like, let's focus on what you want because that's how you solve this problem. Yeah. I i mean if it's not like gonna like hurt his like feel like if he's not like super attached and like yeah perfect gonna hurt him in the long run yeah yeah i would like to like stay friends with him just because like we like we all did become super close we hung out all summer at this job like and just um just straight up platonic friends yeah i guess i'm fine with that that's what i would probably like if he was fine i don't know

what you're fine i don't i want to know what if you if no one else's feelings were affected in a perfect world what do you want with this guy and if it's like if it's just being a friend because it's like yeah why not you're nice i'm friends with you yeah yeah exactly i kind of just want to be friends just because like we do have we made so many fun memories like we went on vacation and i just want to like not like not talk to him anymore you know after all that so i would like to be friends yeah i mean it's probably not gonna happen what was that it's probably not gonna happen i mean listen if that's the case because like it sounds like yeah all things being equal you want to be

friends with them it sounds like you have a handful of friends right and in a perfect world it's like i don't want to lose any of my friends they're all great i don't wait okay yeah exactly but you know that's not what he wants right okay but he never said he wanted really anything else it's just i saw those tweets on like a like i don't know if he still feels that way like minus the tweets i mean sending you heart emojis and texting you and missing you yeah i guess you can sense it i mean what does your gut tell you when it comes like so it sounds like it's there and at the risk of like just confronting him and calling him out just in the hopes that you're wrong you know here's what

i would do i'm not saying you have to stop being friends with them the hopes that you're wrong you know here's what i would do i'm not saying you have to stop being friends with them but now that you're aware of what you think he feels you have to be very careful with your words and your actions don't do boyfriend don't no dinner dates no going to the movies with this guy alone if you hang out in a group setting fine uh you know be friends with him i'm friends with a lot of people i don't go with to movies with and dinner i have some some girlfriends i do because i'm not worried that they like me at all there's a there's a clear understanding of what we are and what we're not okay you don't have this with this guy so don't use him out of convenience or boredom don't have

him come over and like cook dinner on a sunday because like it would just be nice to have company you know he'll do it don't use him as someone to go to movies with you know if there wasn't a pandemic or whatever but you know what i'm saying like a lot of people do that with friends quote-unquote friends of the opposite sex because like and i've i have that i all have women in my life that were totally platonic friends and because i don't have a girlfriend at times you know it's just like well you know you want to go to a movie and there it doesn't make it romantic, but like we're kind of in a way filling that role.

That role that sometimes does change if they like say meet a guy or I meet a girl. Because it's like, let's be honest, like we're not going to do that with our boyfriend and girlfriend. Neither of us take it personally because we're not romantically involved, right? But with this guy, you're worried that he is.

Don't do that shit. Yes. Okay. You know what I'm saying? And but the thing the other thing is like right now like we can't go on it because we do live in different states or anything for right now like should i just pull back like on the conversation and like not like reply as much or do you think i have to like say something and bring it up and make things i don't

think you need to make things awkward but yeah you know maybe pull back a little bit like just pull back a little bit sure like i mean if he's wanting to if he wants to facetime you every night and just talk then that's not what friends i mean i guess some friends do it but you know what i'm saying like it it sounds like god most guys don't do that with girls they're not feeling feeling right true especially if it's not like about another girl like if it's just a talk yeah guys don't usually do that you know um so yeah don't be so available to like have conversations that or do things like boyfriend and girlfriend to do like so just be a little bit less available and at some point you might have to address it but he'll he'll probably be the one who makes that the reason yeah that's what i was thinking just pull back

a little bit and then if he says something that i know for sure that that is how he's feeling and then we can talk about it you can talk about it then but you know don't be like hey i think you like me i and just you know it's not gonna happen okay cool you don't have to do that i didn't have to do that okay good um but just be very careful for his sake not to lead him on with things where he can't be like, well, why would you? Well, she was, of course, maybe she's feeling this way. And he might get the hint. He might get the hint that you're pulling back or that you aren't doing boyfriend and girlfriend things and you're not available. When you do talk to him, feel free to throw in guys you're dating and hooking up with

because that's what friends do. You're right. You're right. Friends talk about other people they're dating. Okay. I might try that. What are you doing tonight? Okay.

I have a date. It doesn't matter if you lie. I give you permission to lie. Okay. Thank you, Nick. I appreciate that. Let them know that you're just have a hot have a date tonight okay and i'll try stuff like just throw it out there and and if he's like

passive aggressive and be like oh you know don't respond to any passive aggressiveness you know you're it's you're completely oblivious to it because you're friends you're completely oblivious to it because you're friends if he's going to bring it up make him have to be direct and bring it up like an adult would okay good good you're right so that's on him

that's like I want to make sure like it wasn't on me to like have to do that the only thing you have to be mindful of is not to be selfish because you're bored yeah and just keep them around and like, kind of entertain that when I know like nothing really can happen there. And when deep down, you kind of know that he likes you and you're taking advantage of that because you're bored,

don't do that. Okay. Yeah. I'll make sure to be extra careful of that. Definitely let them know that you're actively dating other people. Okay. I'll lie and say I am. Yeah. Okay. Perfect. All right. Thank you so much.

All right. Best of luck. Thank you. All right. Take care. Bye, Nick. Bye-bye. How's it going?

Hi, I'm Lauren. I'm 27. Hi, Lauren. How can I help? Okay. So I play slow pitch softball and I have this friend who I'm not super close with. We haven't really hung out outside of softball, but we're like best friends at the softball field. And there's this other girl that played with us and ended up quitting after the summer season.

and supposedly she quit. She told one of our other friends that she quit due to the fact that she thought Jennifer and Dustin were having an affair, so Jennifer is in a relationship, and Dustin is married, just recently had twins, and she heard something in the dugout that made her believe that an affair was happening, and she didn't want to be around that made her believe that an affair was happening. And she didn't want to be around that kind of energy, I guess. And I heard about this and I find it hard to believe. And I guess I'm just trying to figure out whether or not I should talk to Jennifer about this. Whether I should tell her that this is being said about her. I guess my concern is that if it is true,

that I don't really know how that conversation would go if I were to talk to her about it. I just, I don't know that. So you play on a softball team. Yes. And you heard a rumor from one of your teammates about another teammate having an affair with, is this like a co-ed team? Yeah, sorry, it's a slow-pitch co-ed sort of thing with the city.

So the rumor from one of your teammates is that two other teammates are having an affair with each other. Yes. Okay. And you heard the rumor, and the person you heard it from is... Somebody else. They kind of organized the team, so they get everybody together, and the girl said basically... And they said they heard first.

How does she know? The person you heard it from, where is she claiming she heard it from? So the girl that quit said that she heard the two that are supposedly having the affair say something in the dugout that made her believe that they were doing that enough that she ended up quitting because of it. But you don't know what? Um, something along the lines of,

um, okay, meet you back at my place that day. Oh no, not that time because my wife will be there, but another time or something like that and i don't know the exact wording and are you close with this girl uh kind of i mean like i said we don't we haven't hung out outside of softball but we keep talking

about it because we pass by each other's houses every time we go and um so you're not that close with the person who's being accused they're just your teammate not that close no no i consider her my friend but and you're and you're just like your gut tells you that it might not be true but you almost want it's like you want to warn the accused of rumors being spread yeah i was just kind of looking at it from my point of view. If it were me that this was being spread about, then I would want to be able to approach the person that's saying this and say, hey, it's not true. I wish that you wouldn't say those kinds of things about me.

Well, it's kind of a drastic move to quit a team. Yeah. of a drastic move from to quit a team yeah uh because and i i mean granted this person told you so it's not as if they decided to remove themselves but they did quit right they left the situation whether accurate or inaccurate they're just like i don't want to be a part of this i'm just going to quit right is there any reason to think that that there's another reason why this person quit they're also like not on the team anymore right i guess oh she's still in the ballpark she's still in the league so they were talking to each other and um the girl that's being said about is not aware of why she quit but do you think there's any, well,

the big question is you have to decide like how at risk is this rumor being spread? Cause if you're just like, all right, if this were me and I'd want to know people were talking about me, I, you know, I can relate to that.

I think everyone can relate to that. But if this person who, who thinks this thing is going on is like really not part of the equation is no longer spreading rumors or, or maybe they just told you, I don't know. So the big question is like, how much do you think it's going to really get around?

I think most of the team knows, I don't know for sure. Um, and it's two people that still play with us. And, um, I was just trying to see if I needed to. So,

I mean, well, here's what I would do. Okay. You sit down this girl that you're like kind of friends with. Who's most, but most, and you're just like,

listen, I, I, I'm not asking. I don't want to be a part of it, but I'm letting you know what i heard i don't even want like you know if this were being said about me true or not and i just um i think it's not cool that other people are hearing about this and so you should just you

know what i'm saying like don't make it seem like you believe her or don't believe her but don't what you what you should do is not try to make yourself any more of the story than you already are and that is like you're not be like is it true tell me like you can trust you know i don't want to know you're just like listen i'm not i'm only telling you because like whether she is cheating or not cheating you're not really you know you're just like now she's just aware other people know you are giving her a heads up so she can either stop she can either you know whatever you're just letting her know and i guess i guess if she is cheating then it's good that she doesn't know if she's not cheating it's good that she knows so right there's no i doesn't know if she's not cheating. It's good that she knows. Right. I don't know if there's any downside to letting her know there's other rumors being spread about her.

And that's what's making you feel uncomfortable. It's just like, why are we talking about these people's back? I mean, if they are doing it, it's not okay. But there's no point for us gossiping about it. Yeah. Yeah, that's fair. There's no point for us gossiping about it. Yeah.

Yeah, that's fair. I guess I was just trying to make sure that if I was going to tell her that I wasn't doing it in a way that I was insinuating that I believe this and that she's that kind of person or whatever. So I just didn't want it to come off as. And just say, like, listen, I don't just state the facts. The fact is that you heard this. And I don't just state the facts. The fact is that you heard this. You're telling her this not because you want more information, because you're inclined to want to believe that she's not doing it. But either way, that's not your business.

But it makes you uncomfortable that other people are finding out about it and that she hasn't heard it. So it's not even relevant to you whether she's done it or not whether she's guilty or not the only thing that's relevant is you feel uncomfortable knowing something about this girl that this girl might not be aware of and the thing you found out is that people think she's cheating it has nothing to do whether she is or not as far as you're concerned so i think you're on the right track of like knowing what your intentions are and your intentions are not to find out more tea yours is is to to stop the gossiping by like going directly to the source let her like again

who's telling you uh you know like then the only thing you have to decide then is how much information do you want to give this person? Yeah. Because the first thing she's going to want to know is who did you hear that from? Right. So I'm not saying what you should do as far as that. But like, well, Becky quit because, you know, that's what she heard you say this. And that's why she quit. And people started asking questions what makes you think says what what make makes what makes you think it's not true

um i've just gotten to know her and i just i don't think that she would do that to his family i guess and i don't know i've I've been naive in the past. Good people do bad things. Yeah. That's why I've tried to just not jump to conclusions one way or the other. But I'd like to believe it's not true. But I don't know. Not my business.

Yeah. And I think that's the important thing here is to not make it your business. And it sounds like you're uncomfortable comfortable with other people spreading rumors and you're just trying to let her know so that you can just be like yeah you know i don't want to deal with it that's more of i was trying to see if i needed to as her friend let her know that this is being said which sounds like you agree that i shouldn't tell her. Yeah.

I mean, it sounds like, you know, I, I be prepared that she's going to ask who you found out from and my gut, you know, right. There's no point in not telling her.

Yeah. There's no, I mean, it's the girl that quit told the person that she told she quit. Yeah. Just tell her everything she knows and just remove your is there any way that this can come back on you you know because i you know you tell the person who's being accused you tell them how you found out is that person who told you going to be mad or do you care or

you know those are just things that you should consider you know because you don't have to do this and like you know what i'm saying like you're trying to do the right thing but they're really there's no clear answer to what the right thing is here so selfishly i think you should focus on your own best interests before you do anything else so i just just consider those variables because they're like these this is like a classic question of like, who do you tell? Who has a right to know? You haven't even confirmed any of these things.

They are just rumors. So just consider how things are going to land back on you knowing that you don't really know anyone's actually being harmed here. Right, right. Okay. All right. Best of luck. I appreciate your help. Yeah, all right best best of luck yeah all right thank you all right take care bye-bye well thanks for listening guys uh another fun episode um we uh probably have some bachelor stuff tomorrow and on wednesday ourth episode. Holy shit. Wow.

I was worried we'd get to 10. That means you sat in that chair 200. Well, not quite because there was a pandemic but we did 200 episodes. That's fucking nuts. That is nuts. Gotta say thanks guys. Really. I know. If people didn't listen you wouldn't have made it to 200. It's amazing.

Well, I mean. It's the people. I could have recorded 200 episodes and have no one listen that's true i don't know who's out there i love you guys thanks for uh sticking with us until next time have a great day