The Viall Files - E2 Hannah Cranston

Episode Date: January 9, 2019

On this episode of the Viall Files Hannah Cranston joins me for a recap of the season premiere of The Bachelor. We also discuss the patriarchy, what it's like dating today, and take more Skype callers as well as answer VoiceByte questions.Be sure to check out Hannah's podcast Too Much to Handle on iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/too-much-to-handle-with-hannah-cranston/id1440333958?mt=2Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What's up, everybody? Welcome back to Vile Files. Yeah, that's right. We got a title. I'm very excited about today's episode, mostly because of my guest, Hannah Cranston. She is awesome. I'm talking about her when she's right next to me. Anyways, if you don't know who she is, you're in for a treat. You're definitely in for a treat. You also might know her from Young Turks, her wonderful and very funny and successful and interesting captivating podcast, Too Much to Handle. She's also a HuffPost contributor. Yeah, that makes her very smart and interesting.

My good friend, Hannah Cranston. Thanks for coming, Hannah. But let's just get right into episode one of season, what is it, season 23 of The Bachelor? 400, something like that. What did you think, Hannah? First of all, before we get into you, you're a Bachelor fan. So I've watched three seasons of The Bachelor.

I watched the very first Bachelor season. Ever? Like ever when I was a child. Probably shouldn't have been watching The Bachelor. And then I watched Becca's season and I watched Rachel Bachelor season. Ever? Like ever when I was a child. Probably shouldn't have been watching The Bachelor. And then I watched Becca's season and I watched Rachel's season. Okay. And so that's. So you've seen The Bachelorette?

I have seen The Bachelorette. And you've never seen The Bachelor? I think the first season, but other than that, I have not. Okay. I have like complicated opinions about the whole. The whole show in general. Well, Bachelor versus Bachelorette. Well, let's well

let's dive into that because i feel like i feel like a guy choosing from many girls is sex life yeah and a little patriarchy you know for me it 100 i feel like bachelorette obviously it's the same same thing but it kind of like almost subverts that. And so. Literally. Yeah. So I kind of. Like that better? I kind of like that better. I flow with it more. Is it more of a like finally. We have the power.

We have the power. A little bit, but it also just feels like a switcheroo from how life normally is. Do you think that's how life is? Especially nowadays in 2019 i feel like society presents it as such but i feel and you dislike that yeah i mean think about the only fact that i mean the fact that there's one app that puts the ball in in women's court right what app is that okay yeah but aren't the other apps then just mutual in theory in theory i don't think what makes them not in practice in practice i think yeah i think society and i think men in

general i think in general and it's not great for men because there's pressure on them to do the choosing and do the work as well it go i think it works both ways but I guess you feel like oftentimes it's presented as men choosing a woman you know how much that is is that on the app the men and the the women because the women I know a lot I know a lot a lot of friends on who use apps and whether it's friends or just people out there the the common message I hear from like women is, well, I'm not going to message him first. Like I'm going to match with him

and then I'm going to wait for him. So they put that on the men to make that. They put that in the position. They kind of big in playing into the old society of, I want him to chase me. Yeah. I've asked, you know, like a lot of, you know, my friends, good looking women who I'm like, do you hit on men?

If you see a guy at a bar, will you go up to him and say, hey, what's up? And almost never, they're like almost offended by the question. And I will say the more attractive these women are, the more offended they are about the idea that they should be the ones to go pursue men. I'm surprised by this. Interesting. But to that point, how much is this like on the app? I mean like. Well, let me ask you.

If you were in a bar, would you prefer a very attractive woman to come up to you or would you prefer to go to her? I personally don't care. Interesting. come up to you or would you prefer to go to her? I personally don't care. I mean, the conversation I have with people is I think in general, when you are interested in someone, you get nervous, right? It doesn't matter how good looking you are, think you are, right? Unless you are like totally narcissistic and having an overinflated opinion about yourself if you are interested in someone and by interested interested you have the fear of rejection yeah to say like well i see this girl and be like that that is a total babe and i want to say hi and if you're really interested in someone there's got to be this innate fear of what if she doesn't like me and what if they're not interested and therefore you're you're it just naturally would get nervous and so

What if they're not interested? And therefore, it just naturally would get nervous. And so a lot of guys will not go approach. And I think what happens a lot with people who are considered by society to be traditionally attractive people are oftentimes the people who are worse at communicating or approaching or going out of the way because they're so used to the other sex being like, well, they'll hit on me. going out of the way because they're so used to the other sex being like well they'll hit on me i find that especially with women who are who again who i'll ask do you ever hit on men and they're just like again offended by the question weird maybe maybe i'm not that attractive but i have no problem you're very attractive well i mean you're also a unique person where you're

Hannah. Well, I mean, you're also a unique person where you're, you know, progressive. You're right. You're like, right. I like that term. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I don't know Hannah too well, but I know her enough to know that she is of her own mind and strong opinions. And again, your opinion about the bachelor bacheloretorette. But I don't think you're the norm. Interesting. I definitely know that my, at least in my group of girlfriends, they will, if they see a guy, they're not necessarily going to go up and be like, hi, I don't know what people say these days. Like, what's your sign?

You know, something like that. But I think they'll sort of like wave or make eyes and like very indicates that they make eyes is not that's not my question because like i've asked this make eyes or that's an important component it is an important component that is not i'm talking about would you walk up like you see a guy you see he's attractive and for whatever reason he's not making the move you've made eyes you you both across the bar thinking like i'm pretty sure we're vibing each other yeah but for whatever reason, he's not making the move. You've made eyes. You both across the bar thinking like, I'm pretty sure we're vibing each other. But for whatever reason, he doesn't assert himself and make the move.

Would you do that? Yeah, I mean, I have in the past. You have in the past. I've gone up and I've just been like, hi. Because I'm not talking about making eyes. I'm talking about, well, I looked at him. I looked at him. I mean, what more can I possibly do?

I glanced at him, right? I touched do? I glanced at him. I touched my hair. I looked at him. I even think I gave him a half a wink. I mean, what the fuck? But that's what I'm saying. I think a lot of, I think that is not hitting on someone. Okay, what is hitting on somebody?

Saying hi? Walking up to someone. What do you have to do? I need the details here. I think hitting on someone would be risking rejection so if we're going back to the side of a bar what if he doesn't

return my half a wink well that's rejection no it's not because like it could be like the guy's like well

does she have something in her eye you know or the situation where you're like I think she's looking at me and you're like you wave your hand

and all of a sudden someone walks behind and is like oh hey it's finally good to see you you're like fuck you know you put your hand through your hair thinking like oh she definitely wasn't looking at me these are these are all things guys are you know worrying about or thinking about you know especially if especially if a guy sees a girl and thinks that's the most wow that's what a babe you know you look intimidating i mean i gotta do you i look intimidating you're a good looking person you like you have am i scaring you are you scared right now

no i mean i'm just saying i gotta assume that every guy who wants to hit on you hits on you oh i totally disagree i think guys who want to hit on you think every guy who sees you and says that's an attractive person. I want to get to know her has come up to you and said, no, no, no. That's what I'm saying.

No, there's no way. Like, I think most people will look at somebody who they find attractive and not go up. I think it's probably a small percentage of people that will make that first move or try a half a wink or anything like that. Half a wink. I think that's, she has a lazy eye or she's flirting.

We don't know. I don't know. Either or. But I'm pretty sure she's super into me. Yeah. But that's another thing too, is I think guys will assume that if a woman gives a half a wink or half a smile,

whatever, that she's into him. Whereas girls need a lot more. Like, I need you to tell me that like i'm the one you want to marry before i like why is that like me is a strong smart independent woman why do you need that versus why are you saying guys only need a half a wink no i think guys assume i don't think that's all a guy need guys need i I think guys assume that girls like them more. Like the guy who's like, Hey,

I went to a strip club and I'm pretty sure the strippers in love with me. Like that idea. Or if a girl like laughs at his jokes, you know, if a girl laughs at a guy's jokes. Do you find that guys assume all the girls like them? Yes. Really?

Yes. I can assure you I don't. Every guy friend that I've ever had has been like, wait, I feel like we're really vibing. And I was like, what are you talking about? We're friends, you know? That's not me. Then we can both be unique, Nick.

Well, I'm just in that particular interest. So how many guy friends do you have? Have you had to been like, Oh no, I'm sorry. We're just friends. I've never had a, like a guy friend, not try to pursue that.

I don't know. It's actually very sad. What do you do about that? How do you friend zone people immediately? Um, and are you, are you, are you aware of that? I'm not doing a good enough job at it.

Because I, I have a lot of female friends. Yes. And there are a lot of, I'm very job at it. Because I have a lot of female friends. Yes. And there are a lot of, I'm very careful about it. How do you friend zone? Tell me. Immediately I start talking about other women. Immediately.

If I meet a girl, right? And I think to myself, and I've had this happen. And I think to myself, I really enjoy this person's company. She's cool. I want to keep hanging out with her. We become friends. We have mutual friends. I'm even even like let's grab a drink you know like just it's hard to meet good people these days especially like I've only been in LA for three years so like I'm just trying to

meet people it's not necessarily guys women like obviously I'm trying to date but I'm trying to meet people and if I meet someone I think to myself I like their personality but sexually it's not necessarily there i'm immediately start talking about other other other like dating scenarios or whatever i make it off the bat they're like there's no i make it very i go out of my way to make sure that they would think why if he's interested in me why would he like ask my opinion about a girl he's pursuing i think we all sort of like secretly want a loved one or somebody that we want to like us like to have their eyes opened like maybe you're best friends with them or maybe you're in the friend zone or whatever and we all or maybe you're in a bar and you don't know anybody you want somebody to see you for you and feel that spotlight on you and have them be like wow I never saw this side of her him before or

I want to be with them so I think even if you start talking about dating other people like they're like well one day like that Taylor Swift song I'm gonna reference Tay Tay but like that Taylor Swift song like you belong with me like you start to realize like, oh, my best friend all along has been the one. But that's classic. That's the classic example of like the exception, not the rule. Yes, but I think it feeds into the like that whole fairy tale. You know what I mean? You don't think you play into it at all? I don't think I do, but I don't necessarily like i think when i'm flirting it's very awkward but when i'm like talking with a friend it probably comes across as flirting

because it's easy banter but when i'm flirting i'm very weird i'm weird in general i don't want to like misrepresent my awkwardness but yeah i don't know i mean i just feel like you could maybe do more to like i feel like you don't know me well enough to tell me that I should be doing more. Well, you said every guy you're friends with has hit on you at some point. Yeah, but like, I think that's more of a, you know, a relationship building. platonic friendships between people who aren't necessarily sexually attracted to each other. Because I think once you start feeling a connection with somebody, we automatically assume that maybe that would mean we could be in a romantic relationship because you feel that connection. And like you said, it's so hard these days to build an authentic connection with somebody.

And so if you feel that, you're like, maybe you're just desperate for that hope that it'll one day turn into romantic or sexual, whatever it may be, because you feel seen. Do you agree or disagree with the premise that it's almost impossible in a guy and girl friendship, especially a budding friendship, there's always one person who has alternative motives and my motives i mean like there's there's a at least a curiosity curiosity about

is this going somewhere more than just friends and do you think at least on behalf of one person i think you're right okay i think there's curiosity don't you agree probably yeah it's hard yeah there's usually something there and if you connect on a friendship level there's got to be some and that's for heterosexual relationships like guy and girl you know what i mean sure yeah let's finally let's talk about the bachelor yes let's talk about your your disdain for a guy handing out roses to women i will say it was a goal of mine on my season to women. I will say it was a goal of mine on my season.

I wanted to be known as a feminist bachelor. I like that. It was my goal. It's hard to do because you don't control the edit and you don't control what they choose to share. The speech that every bachelor gives when he's done meeting the women, I talked about it's their choice too and you see more bachelors do that now it's it is hard to do because just the environment is set up where

the women think they're supposed to try to impress you to you know um in reality that doesn't really that's what is shown but in reality it's a lot of, you know, like half, half, after the first night, half the women are in the bachelors only into three or four. Right. Half the women are like, I don't know. Did you feel that you liked anybody on your season that didn't net that you were not necessarily feeling those vibes back? No. Where you were, no? No.

Interesting. necessarily feeling those vibes back where you were working no interesting i i would uh i was only into a very select few very early on um and i and it was the same few for the rest of the season yeah and that's that's pretty normal um okay think of it like i mean how many times do you walk into again a bar and even if and every time i'm sure you've gone out, there's been more than 30 men there. How many of you walked left and thought, even if it was any night, that even one of them was someone I could see myself being in a serious relationship, let alone getting engaged? Never.

Never. So why people are surprised that the bachelor, bachelorette, after one night of meeting 30, even attractive people, you're not over the moon by the most of them. Yes, but there's the 369 rule, which I think comes into play. Are you familiar with this rule? I'm not. I think I've heard of it, but remind me. So you go into a bar, or we used it when I was younger with summer camp, right?

And you get to the bar and there's three guys or three girls that are hot, you know, that you're attracted to. And as the night goes on, maybe you're drinking a little bit more, you know, now six guys are looking really hot. Sure. And then at the end of the night, oh my God, there's nine dudes in here who are so flaming.

I am ready to party. Like, wow. The abundance of choices. But I think it's probably similar to like, Bachelor, you're in aloving. I am ready to party. Like, wow. The abundance of choices. But I think it's probably similar to like The Bachelor. You're in a small quarters. No. No?

You think it goes the opposite way? It definitely goes the opposite. Interesting. Part of it is just the pressure, right? Like, there is a pressure on the show. And after this many seasons of the show, it's not, you know, people ask like, well, do they make you get engaged? Like, there's no contract. There's no agreement that you have to, but there is kind of an unwritten expectation, mostly from the fans because the few bachelors who have chosen not to get engaged have been

crucified. Um, and so this whole idea of like, well, you wasted your opportunity. You wasted our time. There's a lot of pressure built in. So it's kind of like I night one, you, I was terrified. And I think most people are in terms of, I really want to meet someone that I actually like because I recognize that even if I fall in love in this atmosphere and decide I want to spend the rest of my life with this person,

I'm going to leave this world knowing that there's a lot to figure out. But I want to have that feeling, that desire to be authentic. And there's a fear of like, well, you can be picky and selective where it's not one night at a bar where you get drinks and then you get a little loose and you're just like, oh, they're all kind of hot. I'm thinking, well, yeah, she's good looking, but can I talk to her for more than five minutes? how much time do you get to talk to each woman would you like

if you had to add it all up at the end if i add like vanessa who i ended up with yeah i mean during the season i'm like i'm guessing but less than talking in hours 72 hours like that's wild it's wild that's wild you can't i mean it's just like it's a really rough guess yeah it can't be that much more and maybe it's less yeah no i mean and i've heard similar numbers from like it is a relationship built on withholding love the entire show you're you're having these moments yeah you know if you were on the show we would oh my god we would have been done talking forever ago but it would have been literally that first five no it wouldn't even been my choice oh i thought you were saying you would have just

no what i'm saying especially especially night one you're wonderful you at least week three hannah we're not even gonna wait till the rose ceremony get this bitch out of here i actually sent a lot of women home on dates oh yeah um which is hard to do but anyways if it was night one it's five minutes is eternity yeah unless you're katherine from this season then you can get as much time as you want well i mean that was gold but um so yeah it's a lot of that and then producers are just like all right well hey we gotta go or even on a one-on-one date which is like the gold star of time uh three hours is a max of time and in between that you're still a lot of stopping and

starting so you're con so for the person for the people you do like for the people you're thinking i mean i'm into her yeah i want to get to know her and for the even the lead you're just like i just want to know more and there's never enough time so when they pull you away your desire to learn more is kind of escalated and so you're building this relationship with this person in your mind the idea of someone not to mention you're hanging out with a bunch of other people as wonderful as they are you're not that into so you're pining over this person the other person on the flip side who's in the house with the women or if you're one of the women if it's's the bachelorette, you're just in a house with a bunch of your peers talking about this person and you're thinking, I hate them. I just want to be

with this person. I just want to get to know more. And you build this person up. So every moment you have with them becomes more and more magical. And that's how the relationships build. And that's why every season you're getting an engagement that in the moment is certainly real and authentic. I mean, they're real feelings. Afterwards, it's kind of like, all right, who the fuck are you? Do you get to ask any questions behind the scenes? Sure. There's the one night fantasy suite, which everyone talks about the whole sex aspect.

Most of it is conversation. And a lot of it is decompressing and being like, all right. I mean, honestly, can I just ask you some basic questions I can't ask you like that no one gives a shit about on the show? What do you ask? Well, two of the women from my season, I mean, I kind of knew what I was doing at that point, right? So a lot of it, you know, two of them, I was just trying to get through the night by not

having sex with them and still hoping they would think that I would pick them. Because in the fantasy, there's an expectation of potentially hooking up. Right. And if you don't hook up, they might think he might not pick me. Probably. Right? Interesting. Huh.

You know what I mean? Like if you were into a guy in this world and it's called the fantasy suite and you've never been on the show before and you don't know what goes on. But you've only talked for what, 72 hours? It doesn't feel like that. It feels like you've been in this world at that point for eight weeks and you feel like you've known this person forever

and you've been in this world because it literally feels like you've been there for a year. Yeah, but I would come in, I'd be like, where do you stand in your politics? What's religion? Do you want to have kids?

Where do you want to live? I have a lot of things I'd want to know. And I stand in your politics? Like, what's religion? Do you want to have kids? Like, where do you want to live? I mean, you say that. I have a lot of things I'd want to know. You say that, but like, and I'm not saying you wouldn't have those questions, but you are, keep in mind, it's eight weeks, nine weeks of living with a bunch of women and not having any privacy

or any stimulation outside of that world. And if you happen to be into this guy, there's going to be sexual tension and build up, and then you are finally unleashed in privacy. And if you're at all competitive, which I imagine you might be a little bit. What gives that away? I'm just saying, and then, and God forbid,

you think maybe even if you're like super confident, you're just like, I got this. There's going to be your insecurities and your ego is going to be like, well, maybe I don't know what's going on there. And you're going to want to lock that down. I mean, there's all this psychology that goes into it. It's a Stanford prison experiment. Yeah.

I was just about to say that. That's exactly what it is. So again, I'm sure you would talk about those things and those conversations happen, but there is that element. And so what I'm saying is I was, I was very much, there's an expectation of, also, I'm pretty sure that the, like Rachel and Raven, while I had great relations with both of them, I respected them and I felt like there was a lot of, there was, they were great. And there was definitely a connection there. I just felt stronger with Vanessa at the time right and so I also think they sensed that too minus their ego and minus them like admitting them themselves like and there

was a lot that they could feel comfortable in our relationships I'm pretty sure they kind of knew I mean I've even heard from especially Raven it was like you know it was a lot of like her convinced me not to pick Vanessa uh which is like wait how much of it do you think is love and how much do you think in reality no no like on the show how much do you think is love and how much do you think is competition because there's got to be a percentage breakdown but again there's a difference between reality and what you feel in the moment. Because I'll never forget my first... Looking back in retrospect for you. Looking back, of course, a lot of it is competition and lust and infatuation and their genuine feelings.

I'll never forget my first time on Andy's season, having not done the show, not knowing anything about it. I went in as like the skeptic. I was 33. I was, I mean, I wasn't like some kid who like i i knew i was i was self-aware enough to know i know i'm very competitive i i this this environment sounds like total bullshit but i agreed to do it so i'm going to be open to what it could be and that's how i went in and then i had this date with her i'm like shit i fucking like this girl and then at that point it was like well i'm here i'm just gonna go for it and then

throughout but i was still like i wasn't like oh i had real feelings right and i was still always constantly every day trying to like reverse engineer in my head how much are my feelings literally i had conscious thoughts of how much my feeling is genuine versus how much of this is competition and i honestly couldn't answer the question. I couldn't, you don't know. Because I knew I really, really liked her. I really liked her. But I had no, I was also aware of the fact that I was competing. I had to like think about this girl while watching her go on a date with other guys.

I knew some of what she liked too. I mean, I didn't know to what degree, but I knew there was something. It's just impossible to know. And so you just kind of accept that you don't know and say, fuck it in the moment. That's kind of how it works. Wait, but I kind of love that mentality for real life dating because so much of love in general is sort of accepting that unknown and saying, fuck it and accept, you it, and accepting the ride of it. I honestly think that's my problem as I've gotten older is that I've been – well, it comes with perspective. Like I said this last episode, you gain perspective, you become also slightly more cynical.

You lose your innocence. You also lose your naiveness. With naiveness comes this ability to like get hurt or make stupid decisions, but it's a little bit more exciting to say fuck it and be like, well, I don't know what I'm getting myself into, but let's go for it. I love you.

This feels good. As I've gotten older, I'm just like, well, yeah, I like you, but I mean, come on, let's be real. Like you do this, I do that. And this isn't gonna- What are those deal breakers for you it's not necessarily deal breakers

it's just it's harder for me as I get older to fall in love and I honestly don't remember the last time I've had that feeling of I think I might be falling for you outside of TV

in maybe six years do you think TV which is terrifying for me is what ruined that for you outside of TV in maybe six years. Do you think TV is what ruined that for you? I don't think it helped, but no, I think more, I think it's more of a me thing. I am, I'm an over analytical person. So that doesn't help. And again, I think as I get older, just perspective. I mean, part of it was I was the helpless romantic when I was a younger person. I had three serious relationships in my 20s.

And I definitely fell for those women. And then since then, it was kind of like, well, you know, part of it is I had to gain perspective to get over them in a sense. That I had to, I had some of those thoughts of like one time, my first girlfriend, we broke up. I was my, I met her when I was 18. I was like 22. We broke up many times, right? Yeah. One of those. Everybody has that relationship. And, and this, and this particular breakup, she broke up with me and I did not handle it well. I didn't know the concept of getting over anyone. I had no, I had never loved someone.

So how do you do that? I think as you have relationships and you meet someone, eventually, if you are lucky enough, and I mean that literally to get your heart broken and feel lost and then eventually get over it, you become a stronger person. You realize I can get over this. Oh, it won't actually kill me. And then you meet someone again and it doesn't go well. And then like, fuck, the pain is still real.

Like you still wake up and it's still like, this sucks. I'm heartbroken. But the one thing you know now that you didn't know in the last relationship is I actually can get over this. Yeah. Right. And so I think you just, as you get older, I've become at least too aware of that. I also think part of it is as you get older, you become more of your own person.

Do you know what I mean? Because I feel like when you're young, you feel like somebody completes you and you're so desperately wanting that feeling of completion and finding the puzzle piece that fits. But as you get older, you become your own person. You realize, oh, I don't want somebody to complete me. I want somebody to compliment me. To help me be the best version of myself, but not make me the best person myself. And so if you're a complete person, losing somebody is not going to destroy you. It's going to suck, but it's not going to destroy you. And I think that has, for me, that's perfectly well said.

It's made it harder for me to be vulnerable enough to really meet someone when do you bring put your walls down like what does it take for you to really show that rawness show that that vulnerability i'm actually it's weird because as someone who's i don't again i don't think it was an accident that i've done what i've done on that franchise because clearly I have the ability to just go for it and put my walls down I don't think that's an issue for me it's just I think it's harder and harder for me to meet the person who really piques my curiosity and I've and define that because I think I have it's not like higher standard like everyone like say I have higher

high standards or like but it's just really meeting someone because I live in LA. My ability to meet attractive people. Isn't that hard. There's a lot of attractive people out here. There's smart people. There's interesting people, but truly someone that I feel safe around. And by safe, I mean, I can be myself. Uh, I'm very curious in what they have to say in the sense that like, I can be vulnerable and i'm very interested in having them share their thoughts about my vulnerability or who i am and i'm interested in what they have to say because it makes me feel better about myself it makes me have a chance to like become a better that i think that's just so hard to find these days it's become harder and harder to find uh part of which i think we're all kind of self-consumed. So it's just finding that it's harder for me to connect with someone that I really feel comfortable being myself around.

Do you think part of that comes with some of the fame or notoriety that you've gained? Because people probably have expectation. I mean, we kind of talked about this before the podcast, but I'm sure people like date you and then they have expectations of you because they know who you are. 100%. I get a lot of questions like before the podcast, but I'm sure people like date you and then they have expectations of you because they know who you are. 100%. I get a lot of questions like from fans. Would you ever date a fan? Would you ever date a normal person?

Would you ever date a non-celebrity? I'm thinking like, yeah, like I don't really make a habit of dating celebrities. I have dated celebrities. I have, you know, and I will say like, I remember growing up to myself, as a kid growing up in Wisconsin, you always hear Brad Pitt's dating so-and-so, and then he breaks up with Gwyneth Paltrow, and he's dating Jennifer Aniston. It's like, why don't you date a normal person? Why are they always dating other actors?

I will say that I appreciate having gotten some notoriety and having dated someone else who has some notoriety. it doesn't have to be like a real like an actual famous person yeah yeah the ability to relate matters the ability to like not have to explain yourself matters to me and the ability to feel comfortable again with someone that has affected my dating life so i have gone on dates with normal people who and like i think they're like like they're a teacher who they're they're fans they're fans of the show and they're just nurses or teachers or they're whatever and some of them are again obviously i'm interested in the fact that i'm attracted to them i i'm i want to get to know them and they they're like okay well

he he he asked me out we're gonna out. And you can tell there's this, them trying to not, they're trying to relate to me. And they're trying not to ask. There's, I feel that disconnect of them not wanting to talk about the show, but they want to talk about the show. And so there's a lot of like, well, I don't care about The Bachelor.

And it's just like, well, then why you ask? Like, you're asking, they're finding different ways of asking the show. All while they keep telling me how they've never seen the show. There's a lot of that. And so that complicates it in terms of me dating someone who, and again, so I find it more comfortable, at least out here to date people who at least understand. So whether they are a notable person, but maybe they work with other people or they can just relate or they're just not as that that has affected

so my ability to just date anyone I feel like has reduced and my ability to really connect with someone has Shrunk because of my inability to connect with just anyone anymore. Yeah, it makes sense Yeah No, it does make sense because it is a unique position to be in because there's so many different aspects to I mean at least like in my life, I struggle sometimes with mean comments, you know, or criticism and stuff like that. Do you, are you, are you, you're, you're dating? Are you, do you have a boyfriend?

I am dating. Yeah. How's that going? It's going great. Thank you for asking. Yeah. But he's not, he's not in this industry at all. Has that affected, like how, how is that for you?

Did you feel kind of similar things of being someone who a guy could meet, you know, as you have a social presence and you're very easily Google-able? I am Google-able. Google-ly. I'm Google-ly. So like, how has that have... I've dated, so I've gone on dates with guys who, like I went on a dating app date a few months ago before my current relationship. But he asked me all these questions about my career and was like, wait, I don't understand. And like asked all these questions. And then in the end of the day, like I think after two drinks or something like that, he was like,

oh yeah, I watch your show. And I'm like, that's a weird feeling, right? It's so weird. I'm like, okay, so you know all this stuff about me. And then there was another guy who like, again, claimed not to know anything, but like paid something extra to match with me on one of the apps and then would ask me like all of these things about the people I worked with or about politics and stuff like that I'm like this is weird for me immediately feel like there's some dishonesty there even though I get what they're why they might do it because they don't want to feel like they stalked you or whatever yes and I also think I mean I'm sure you face this as similar thing when people meet you

because they've seen you and because they quote unquote feel like they know you, they assume and have all of these expectations about you. Like who I am on my show is me and I'm being authentic, but it's a little bit more like exaggerated. Yeah. Like I'm really quiet but it's a little bit more like exaggerated yeah I'm really quiet and very actually reserved at home or even if it is and sometimes what I like well people ask me well is that who you are on the show and to your point is yeah

it is me but it's also like part of me and I hope that I am like that you know like you it might not even be amped because like that's who you are and it's not like you're acting in a show, but, like, it's you going 100%. And sometimes, like everyone, they like to unwind. People ask me about, like, villains and characters on the show.

And the truth is, is, like, for the most part, no one is ever as good or as bad as they seem on the show. They're siloed into a character. And anyone could be a hero. And anyone, for the most most part could be a villain. It's not to say that things tend to work themselves out in terms of the characters that people are,

but I've played both the hero and the villain in that show. You go on long enough, you're gonna get an opportunity, right? I think that probably holds true for everybody. That's your first impression. So if you see somebody being rude

to a waiter on your first date, even though the next date they're the kindest person and you haven't you're always gonna have that little thing in your mind that was like oh this guy you know is rude to service people i think that's a deal breaker you know what i mean whatever it is also you know this brings up i'm rambling now but um what's the worst for guys who hit on you what's one of of the worst icebreakers? And I don't mean like one-liners, and I have something in mind of what happens to me all the time,

but do you have something that guys tend to do to you when they approach you that you just, not only does it not work, but it annoys the fuck out of you? I think if a guy comments on your appearance, I can't stand that. Good or bad? Like, hey, well, you look really nice. I hope they're not saying

that I look, like, hey, you look a little fugly today. Well, no. I mean, like, negging's a thing, right? People all the time are like, hey.

Oh, I can't stand that. It's like, oh, that's an interesting choice of shirt. Yeah, okay, both. That happens. Yeah, yeah, yeah, both. I can't stand either one.

Okay. Any sort of appearance-based compliment or diss. And you think that's because, like, that's what? Like, it's not original? Well, no, it's the first thing that you're commenting on.

And that, to me, that bothers me. Okay, you disagree. Tell me why. Well, I only disagree in the sense that, like, again, we keep going back to this bar or dating app. Like, let's not pretend that appearances aren't the first thing that people notice. And either your willingness to walk up to a girl at a bar or your willingness to swipe right is 99 based off of their appearance and not because they said they like to travel in their bio so i'm just saying if a guy's nervous at a bar and just doesn't know what to say who he's like hey

but there's a difference between saying hey i think you're really hot versus hey you have a great smile you you know? Sure. Or like. But that's still the appearance. Yes, I agree with you. And I'm just to your point that people look at appearance first. But I prefer somebody just say, hey, or like respond, like talk about something that's

like a common experience, whether it's the song that's playing or if it's a dating app and we have something in common rather than being like, damn, you look good. Like I went on a date from a dating app before I met my current boyfriend. And the first thing the guy said to me,

having matched on a dating app where he's seen pictures of me, was like, wow, you're really pretty. It's like, what? First of all, don't say yeah. Exactly. I'll get it. It's like, wow, you're like so much really pretty. It's like, wow. Don't say, yeah, exactly. You're like so much better looking in person. I'm like, I'm going to go fuck myself now. They're like, no, no, no. I mean it to be nice. Like, yeah, again, fuck you. Yeah, exactly. Or I've had it the same dude throughout the date said three different times. Like when I was speaking,

I've had it. The same dude throughout the date said three different times. Like when I was speaking, he was like, wow, you're, you're, you're smart. And I'm like, well, why would you assume that I wasn't asshole? No, people do that. That's kind of my, uh, have you ever had someone walk up to you and say, how's your resting gaze? My resting. I have a, I have a, both a resting bitch face and an active bitch face.

It's just constant. My resting gaze is not often pleasant, I have both a resting bitch face and an active bitch face. It's just constant bitch face. My resting gaze is not often pleasant. But have you ever had a guy come up to you and say, why aren't you having any fun? Or tell me to smile? Yeah, you should smile more. Nothing.

Oh, my God. New Year's Eve, I had 10 people come up, 10 women. Again, I get recognized when I go out. And I don't feel the need. I'm not a Year's Eve. I had 10 people come up to 10 women. Like again, I get recognized when I go out and I don't feel the need. I'm not a big partier. So when I go out, I'm comfortable with this going out and just chilling. Yeah. I don't feel the need to constantly smile. I don't need to go out and be the center of entertainment on the dance floor or be dance. Sometimes I just want to be.

And I guess it looks like i'm not having fun and more specifically i'm certain that these women they're like they recognize me they want to hit on me they want to say hi and they don't know what to say so they notice that i guess it looks like i'm not having fun so i'm going to ask them why because i'm going to be his source of fun i get why they're saying it i understand understand that. What would you prefer they say? Just say hi. How's it going? If they recognize you from the show,

I'm also fine with that. I don't care. Don't pretend you don't know. Don't ask me like, why is everyone else like saying hi to you? Who are you? It's like. Do people do that?

All the time. It's just like, and some people are sincere, but some people, I know when you're lying, right? Off the bat. And immediately I'm just like, but like this whole idea is like, let's have some fun. Or then they grab my arm and start shaking me.

We should dance. Or like, can I buy you a drink? No, why aren't you having fun? You need another drink. It's like, I'm comfortable with the two drinks that I've, it happens all the time. Well, let me ask you about the drink thing, because I feel like the drink pickup line is a very common pickup line that women receive. Like, can I buy you a drink?

Sure. So if a girl asks you if she can buy you a drink, that's a turnoff? No. But if I have a drink or I don't need another one, it's not necessarily a rejection. I just don't want one. Right. And I'm also fine with saying yes. But if I don't want a drink, don't then immediately be offended and then neg me and then be condescending.

It's like, oh, well, you don't like having fun? Or like, oh, you know what I'm saying? I just don't want another drink right now. Yeah, for sure. It's out there. It's like, chill. It happens all the time. And it's like, please, people, stop asking people why they're not having fun.

It's not a good pickup line. Because I know that they're doing it as a's not a good pickup line because i know that they're doing it as a pickup line they're doing as an icebreaker it is the worst icebreaker you could ever have okay but what's the best one if you don't have a clever witty line the best thing is just being sincere yeah to walk up with someone and say hey listen um i'm nervous and i really would like to get to know you. You probably have a boyfriend, but an off chance you don't. Can I get you a drink?

You know, just showing vulnerability, whether you're a guy or a girl, I think it's probably the, it's the safest and most sincere way to have one. So if they are interested, they immediately think to themselves, yeah, like you seem like, and dating people are nervous. So you immediately feel comfortable with someone who's willing to be vulnerable as opposed and people don't seem to get that like the the vulnerability of like in my case or in your case if someone does recognize you there's a vulnerability in saying i recognize you from the show you're right and so so many people want to pretend well i would never watch that program and it's like okay fine well fuck. And again, I don't care if you watch a show or not, but it actually,

and not that I like, I'm not trying to necessarily date someone who's a fan of the show, but I recognize someone's vulnerability in saying, yeah, I watch a show, I'm a fan. And like, I'd be really interested to know you. That sounds so sincere and normal that I might, if I'm interested in her,

think, sure, let's grab a drink. Yeah. Right? It's easy to talk to. And so many people want to put that wall up or want to, they try so hard to be clever or funny or whatever, or like get on their level or nag that it's immediate turnoff. And instead of doing what, you know, so the best line is to just, I would say, be vulnerable. And if you have a good line, if you're funny, fine, go with it.

But don't be offended if they don't think it's funny. Yeah. No, I think you be vulnerable. And if you have a good line, if you're funny, fine, go with it. But don't be offended if they don't think it's funny. Yeah. No, I think you're right. I think having that almost that nervous, anxious honesty will go way further. Can you imagine if somebody said instead of like, oh, let me put a drink in your hand. They're like, oh, my gosh, my palms are so sweaty because I was so nervous to come up to you. Like immediately. I'm a mess.

Yeah. Just like I. That's endearing. Yeah, totally. Because that up to you. Like immediately. I'm a mess. Yeah. Just. That's endearing. Yeah, totally. Because that's how you connect with people. That's how you actually connect with people. And you just have to recognize when you're going to approach someone, they might not be into you.

Yeah. Like they just might not. I've always operated under the thought of when people ask, like, I don't like it when people say he or she's out of my league. I don't like that. I've never,

I've never thought someone's out of my league. I don't like that. I've never, I've never thought someone's out of my league. Have you thought somebody both up and down? No. Okay. But I also recognize there's a lot of people who won't like me. There's the difference, you know, like just because someone's not out of my league doesn't mean they'll like me. And so like people are always trying to like fight that feeling.

And if you just accept that, like if you're going to hit on someone they might not think your joke is funny they might not think you're as pretty as they think you are and that's fine keep shooting shooter you know like yeah and just be vulnerable and eventually someone will be like yeah i'm down let's let's see what happens here you know i think i wish people would do more of that rather than the the nagging or the condescension. And again, I know they're not trying to be condescending. I just think it's an insecurity that comes out and a nervousness. Yeah, absolutely. I also think that with rejection, we often see it as a bad thing. Like if somebody is like, oh, I'm not interested in you. But I think if we reframe that as oh that's actually exciting because one i'm being more efficient i found out this person's not into me and two now this means

i get to go find somebody who's fucking obsessed with me like how cool is that yes like there's somebody out there who is going to love you more than anything and want to do crazy things with you and like whatever you're into they're going to also be into and it's going to be amazing but now you get to go find that person because you just found out that totally and i think some of that comes with age and maturity because again when i was younger it's the same thing it's just like i gotta get this person to like me again yeah it's like well no you're just wasting time all right we're gonna finally finally talk about the bachelor thanks you know but you're welcome for this rich dialogue before we even got into The Bachelor. What did you think, Hannah?

I have lots of thoughts. So here's my, let me start with the negative and end on the positive. Quick, what do you think of Colton as The Bachelor? I think it's fine. Yeah, it's fine. I would have, I thought it was going to be Jason.

I really did. I know everybody wanted Blake. But I thought it was going to be Jason. I really did. I know everybody wanted Blake, but I think the way that they framed Jason, especially during the men tell all episode, I was like, Oh, it's for sure going to be him. Here's what they do.

They're looking at options. They're setting a few people up because they don't know. And they want to see how the audience responds. There's a lot of variables that go into why they think people loved Jason. They did. They also loved Blake and they really liked Colton until people got too much of colton on paradise i will say if you watch this and i love i think i've met all three they're all great guys yeah the more i've gotten to know all three of them and especially after watching their

social media there's a reason why colton's a bachelor and they're not. What do you think that is? I think, again, being the bachelor is the hardest thing I've ever done. It truly is. You have to be on. It is a 20-hour day. You have to be able to talk to women constantly. You have to do a lot of hard things. You have to carry an entire show. You have to be able to speak and be articulate and give speeches.

These are all things that go into their ability to choose and they've taken risks and some bachelors who haven't been able to do it and others I'm not saying it's the end-all be-all but those are some reasons why they there's so many variables that go into it. But I think I think Colton is he's very charismatic and dynamic and he's interesting. He's got a good backstory. I think they've made the right choice with Colton. Even though I think it's incredibly young and my own... Because he's 26, right? 26, but more specifically his lack of dating. And the first episode for me seemed like, it didn't seem like a guy trying to find a wife. It seemed like a guy trying to find his first girlfriend.

Oh, interesting. See, I don't mind him. I don't know him personally, so it's not for me to pass judgment. But what I don't like about it is I don't like that the storyline revolves around him being a virgin, that there was like half the girls came up and had the comment about that.

That to me is like virginity is a social construct, and I think putting so much pressure on it puts pressure on everybody who's watching especially young men and young women and like that to me is annoying yeah I agree with you it was kind of an inevitable thing that show was going to do especially episode one my guess is they'll get away from that narrative for a while it'll come back up during the fantasy suites week and that will be about it but it was it was uh annoyingly obvious and kind of like okay but i think he also was trying to combat some of that and that's why he kissed like three girls on the

first night yeah there's definitely like i think he's trying to level that out a little bit for sure because i felt that in becca's season that i felt he was the most physically awkward with her do you know what i mean like the way that he leans into women like i noticed a lot of those body uh like positions and stuff like way he leans into becca was very weird and it was a little awkward even in the first episode and it'll be interesting to see how that evolves through this well there's a lot of i think you can tell when you watch a show the sincere relationships because there's a natural connection and even if someone is like top three or four like they know like i think almost every season for the most part it's always a two-person race and if you're three or four you might know there's

a connection like i jason's never said this to me but i would be willing and there's no way i can prove it but i know that jason knew that he his relationship with becca paled in comparison to her relationship with garrett and blake without question and colton for sure and like i'm not saying there wasn't a connection there i just know that deep down jason i mean jason knew and so when like i think like you see that like nervousness and you just know, and I think you see that a little bit with like Colton and Becca was probably even more because I don't think there was ever a real connection there.

Right. I think Colton always kind of knew. So who do you think, if it's a two person race or three person race now, who do you think after that first episode, who do you think's in that race? Well, it's pretty, uh, you can always kind of tell like, uh, the girl who got the first impression, there's a lot of Hannah's by the way. How do you think's in that race? Well, it's pretty, you can always kind of tell like the girl who got the first impression, there's a lot of Hannahs by the way.

There's a lot of Hannahs. How do you feel about that? Are you excited that you're getting like name recognition or is it almost like you feel less unique now? Because if Hannah's not a-

Are you saying that I'm less unique now? What the fuck? I mean, after the season, like Hannah might be like the new like Lauren. It's like, oh, another Lauren? Yeah, I know.

Are you Hannah? Oh, so not. Because Hannah's kind of a unique name. I'm going to have to go back to being a brunette after this with so many blonde Hannahs

no yeah it's surprising because Hannah is not a super popular name so there was like a ton yeah like wow

yeah and they seem to be players like yeah there's a lot of players I feel like there's like the girl who got

the first impression of Rose she's going to be there all season because you can tell it's interesting she sometimes it's unique on The Bachelor.

It's different for The Bachelor, The Bachelorette. Yeah. I mean, there's a history of The Bachelorette giving the first impression rose to the winner. In fact, it's happened almost like every season. Did Garrett get it? I don't remember. I know Rachel. No, he did.

I think Garrett did. Actually, I think I might be the last person to get the first impression rose who didn't win on Andy season I was a runner-up wow yeah which is kind of that's an insane track record but most of the time the bet like the only person I knew who wasn't getting my first impression rose was Vanessa I was like there's no way because out of the gate she was front runner front runner and I was, that's just too obvious. So I wanted to get... And again, Rachel was an easy choice because she was easily the person I had probably the second best connection with.

And so I gave it to her. But I just wasn't going to give it to Vanessa. So they make their choices differently. But I think so... But the girl who got the first impression rose... Was it Hannah? I wrote it down on my serial killer notes somewhere

wait I have her it's yeah Hannah Hannah G she's she's charismatic she gave the commando gift she's very pretty

you can like she can like she she's a she's gonna be around she's like she's not gonna be a villain for sure

I'd be surprised no Catherine's a villain nah but Catherine's not a real villain I don't I'd be surprised. No, Catherine's the villain. No, but Catherine's not a real villain. I don't know. Who do you think's the villain? Here's the thing. We'll figure it out.

We don't yet. Because here's the thing. You can tell Colton's not into Catherine. Yeah. His fourth time's a charm. I can assure you, fourth time isn't a charm. It wasn't for me. The villain always is going to come from someone early on that there's a connection with.

I think you know who the villain might be is the girl whose mom's in jail. Oh, Demi. Yeah, she's attractive. She's charismatic. She's outspoken. And Colton's going to like her. And she is going to ruffle feathers.

And your villain always comes from someone who the lead has to be into, at least at first be there's a threat there where all the other girls are like fuck this person all this katherine girl is this annoying colton's not into her okay i would be shocked if she ends up being the real villain of the season okay i'll take that i'll take that i think he's gonna who's your winner? Kaylin. Which one is she? Miss North Carolina. I think that was his first kiss. And I think it's probably a similar thing.

Now that you said that about the rose, maybe he didn't give it to her because he didn't want it to me. I think it might be Hannah G. Also, I think, is that another Hannah? Or who's the other? Who's the girl from LA who wore the flower dress? Cassie's a player. Oh, the speech pathologist.

Yeah. She's very attractive. Oh, the speech pathologist. Yeah. She's, she's very attractive. She seems very nice. And unless she has this like secretive bitchy side that I don't see yet. Yeah. I think she's going to long, she's going to get along with the women. She's top four for sure. I think they're going to also have Hannah, the regular Hannah, not Hannah G, the other

Hannah, Miss, uh, Miss Alabama and Kaylin. Cause apparently there's like some tension between them two. Oh, that's right. There's another. She could be your villain. Yeah. She could be your villain. Also, by the way, not cool for girls and guys who are on the future contestants.

Do not ask the lead if you remember my name off the bat. Like, come on. Yeah, that's hard. That's hard. it was a huge priority for me to like every so basically what happens is you get a limo and there's four or five women in a limo and there's a break and so it's like hi i'm hannah hi i'm lauren and after each one i would go through like the names with my producer and it was a big priority for me to like remember their name it's 30 people your head's spinning you're nervous you're afraid if your wife's but and so like the first girl's like do you remember my name you're

you're literally hoping like am i about to like literally it's not a joke you truly want to meet someone you hope that it works yeah so you don't know and so this girl's like do you remember my name it's like fuck you like wow i think really getting off to m McNutty. That was nutty. Yeah. I don't know. I love that line. She was like, yeah, remember me? Like, think about nuts. That's amazing. I also... Oh, you didn't watch my season with Alexis the Dolphin Shark.

The sloth. The sloth was unreal. But she went home, I think. Well, I think, you know, she was trying to copy an act that already was done. This whole, like, I'm going to show up in a costume, not show my face. It takes someone to really appreciate a good joke for you to stick around. Apparently, Colton doesn't have a sense of humor. I don't know.

Maybe not. Maybe he doesn't like sloths that much. Although he said it was one of his favorite animals. But it's hard with, like, such. Who says that? That was clearly a disingenuous, like, Colton is trying to be nice nice sloth's one of my favorite animals yeah top top five for sure you know what i love most about them is like their laziness they make me feel comfortable with being like chill and like very low key this is why i love them so much like have you ever who's ever said a sloth is one of their favorite animals. Kristen Bell.

Touché. Thank you. Well, Coles know Kristen Bell. It's true. Any other things we want to cover about The Bachelor before we move on? Oh, the girl with the fake Australian accent. I love that. You liked it? I thought it was funny, right? And I thought I loved her kind of aloofness about it. She's like, I mean, like, whatever. Like, it was almost like terrible idea, obviously. Yeah. But funny. As a fan, I loved it. She's obviously very attractive.

I think, unfortunately, she's going to be gone sooner than we think. Because she's very pretty. That's the only, that's literally her only air time of the episode that's true which means that she did something very cool and clever for them to promote and use and then we never saw her again yeah so she's clearly going to be one of those girls that a colton doesn't vibe with at first she's not going to have much to say and she will ultimately be boring and colton will be like well I'm not that into her and he's going to be like, I'm into five other girls

and unless she's willing to stir some shit up, she's just going to get sent home, unfortunately. So I'd be shocked if she's there by week five. I feel like if I were to go on this show, people would assume I was boring. Do you know what I mean? It all depends.

Unless you're trying to stir the pot or create drama, you're not going to stand out. It all depends. Interesting. So much, my first night on The Bachelor, I'll never forget, I joke with the producers, the guys who are running the show now, one has left, I was a last second cast.

The women executives wanted to cast me, the men executives did not. Why? Because they thought I was a last second cast the women executives wanted to cast me the men executives did not because they thought I would be boring I was 32 33 at the time selling software in Chicago and they thought to myself they thought to himself yeah fine he's a decent looking guy but he's like he's going to be risk adverse you know in terms of he's just gonna he's just another guy you know that was their thought right and so that's the vibe i'm getting now totally was that a good neg did i do okay yeah it was really good yeah but i knew what you were doing so i just accepted it and like i pretended it didn't bother me um and so i will never i show up and i could you could tell i didn't know this

at the time but you could tell that i wasn't a priority for like the producers at least the executive at the time walked into my room before we walked in limo, and she was running the show at the time. She's not along with the show, and she's like, I think you're a player. She had believed that, and I was at the time, I thought she was just producing me. But I could tell the other ones didn't. So I didn't know how this works, but it's like 1 o'clock in the morning, and I haven't spoken with Annie at the time other than my intro. And I'm like, I literally had this thought to to myself what the fuck am I doing here like honestly and then I had this thought of like I'm you know what I'm here I'm just I'm at least gonna talk to her I'm not gonna go home because your only goal night one is to not go home night one that's your

only real goal and so finally I went up to her producer I'm like can I can I can I can you help me out they're like yeah yeah for sure talked to her and again finally I went up to her producer I'm like can I can I can I can you help me out they're like yeah yeah for sure talked to her and again immediately I thought to myself huh I mean that was that was not bad yeah and I remember thinking after I spoke with her it's just like again that went like that was pretty good like I wonder if I could get the first impression rose and it was weird because I remember when she got there when she went you know you go and get it like there was something in my gut thought to to myself, I'm going to get this. And maybe that's just like, you know, blind overconfidence.

Hubris? Yeah, probably. And she did. And so my point is I that point in a sense that like, um, if she doesn't like me, if we don't have that connection night one, instead of becoming the villain of that season and one of the more polarizing people on Caitlin season, and then eventually the bachelor and hero on paradise,

I might've been just an afterthought because I was, I would have been the 33 year old software guy who was like, I don't know. She's not into me know she's not into me I'm just gonna go home it's fine no big deal you know and that so the chance like there's a lot of luck involved and so you if you met the bachelor and you liked him

and you he liked you easily you could have been a hero you could be a villain you have opinions if you have opinions you If you have opinions, you're either going to be loved for it or judged for it in that world. And you're not going to, in the real world too,

but like in that world, you're not going to get a choice on what music they play when you're voicing said opinion and how they frame it and the context in which it's, in which it's aired. Um, and then as someone who's like a mature woman, who's like comfortable with the idea that every guy might not be into her you might have just been fine with being like yeah he's just not into me

i'm gonna go home and i'm not gonna go out of my way to do something crazy just to get my 15 minutes because like when they ask like every season when you go on they're like they'll call you but do you want to do anything they literally would say something to you like listen we're not promising you but if you like want to come out of a plane, we might make it, we might do it. Like, but, but do you have an idea? Right. And I, I remember saying, no, I just want to meet Andy and I just want to be myself. So clearly I was a guy who was like, I'm just going to see if there's something that I wasn't willing to do something insane just to guarantee I was going to get air time. And there's, so it varies. So you could have been just like me,

where if they like you, it totally changes the playing field. Given all of the heartbreak, you know, three seasons, all the heartbreak that you've faced through the all, would you now do it again? I've always say about my experience on The Bachelor, I don't regret it at all.

It's changed my life in, for the most part, great ways. Everything I'm doing now is ultimately predicated on the time I've spent on the season. I also, I'm not proud of it. I'm not, you know, in a sense that I don't wear it with a badge of honor.

I don't go walk around and be like, I'm the guy from The Bachelor. You know what I'm saying? Like, I understand that it's reality TV. I don't feel like it's some major accomplishment. Experiences are going to have good and bad to any experience that you have, right? Even the best thing that you've ever done probably had some sort of pitfall within it, right?

Or something that was negative about it. But just sort of being like, oh, this is something that happened, period, you know, and moving forward and learning from it is important. You know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, yeah, You know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, yeah, that's what I try to do. But yeah, I think that's great. Well, how about we finally get into some Q&A with some fans?

Hi. Hi. Hello. How are you? I'm well. My name's Nick. This is my friend Hannah. Hi.

And what's your name? Hi, I'm Abby. name's Nick this is my friend Hannah hi what's your name? I'm Abby hi Abby I read your email but why don't you just pretend I didn't and let oh god

why don't you in the most succinct way tell us okay your story so I was in a very long term

relationship with this guy that I broke it off with about a year ago. How long? We were together for four years. Okay. I think eventually I just got bored with him. As bad as that sounds.

It doesn't sound bored. It sounds honest, but that's fine. People get bored. Yeah. I mean, it was a long time to be together. We started dating when he was like 23. I think I was 24. Yeah. It was, I mean, it was a long time to be together. We started dating when he was like 23. I think I was 24.

Okay. And he plays minor league baseball and didn't make a lot of money. So I was kind of the breadwinner through the entire relationship. I think that grew like a lot of resentment and I don't know. From him? No, like by me. Oh, okay. You're like, I'm paying your dinner.

Yeah. But wasn't it like maybe an investment on your part? I mean, the big league's here. Well, yeah. So flash forward, now he's in the big league. Yeah. We broke it off. Someone's like, uh-oh.

This is our little skater boy. All right, so is he in the big leagues now? We won't ask his name. Is he good? He is, and we're still friends. Is he still in his first contract? Is he still in arbitration? I'm sorry.

These are baseball terms that most people listening won't know. All right. So he's in the big leagues now. All right. Go ahead. Sorry. Yeah. We're still friends.

We still talk pretty frequently. How frequently? He's made it clear that he's wanting to see if we can get back together eventually. But I've kind of moved on with my life. I've started dating another guy. Okay. He was younger than me. He's currently deployed right now because we're both in the Army.

Oh, thank you for serving. Yeah. Thank you. Much gratitude. How much younger is this gentleman, the new guy? He's five years younger than me. Damn, girl. Wow.

She likes him young. He's a lot of fun. I bet. I'm looking for a perspective. Sure. Is there a deciding point in anybody's lives where you're like what's best for me and how do you how do you pursue that sure do you want to yeah do you have opinions I mean I'm full of them but like I feel like go ahead um well thank you for sharing your story that was I mean that takes a lot to put all of that out there. Um, I think you already

sort of answered your question in your question. I think the fact that you said the words fall back and go into comfort is, is pretty powerful and pretty potent. Um, and I think when you sort of like dating should be easy, but it shouldn't be like, oh, this is the path of least resistance. Do you know what? Do you get the difference there? Like, oh, I already feel comfortable with this guy. So I can just sort of be in my sweatpants and not think about anything. And he's making money now.

So we're good. You know, it should be it should flow, but it shouldn't be. Oh, this is already there. I already know I have that in the bag. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. No, exactly. And then the only other thing I will say and then let you take it away is –

It's not 101. We can just – I was in a seven-year on-and-off relationship, and I was talking with somebody, and I was in a seven year on and off relationship and I was talking with somebody and I was saying, yeah, like he's great and he's this and he's that. And I just feel like, you know, that that I could settle with down with him. Right. You don't want to settle with anybody. You want to be so flipping excited to spend every single day with them and whether they're making money or not because if he was the one for you you wouldn't give a fuck if he was making zero sense do you know what I mean the fact that that came into your mind is I think very

telling and I think the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with, it doesn't matter if you are going to the nicest restaurant in the coolest place or if you are sitting on the couch all day. Like you could be in a, you know, I don't know, a paper box with them and you would be like, this is an adventure. Do you get what I'm saying? And you want to feel that way about somebody. Don't do yourself a disservice want to feel that way about somebody. Don't do yourself a disservice

by not feeling that way about somebody. What do you think? I feel like looking at her, she seems really, really torn. I feel like you're, you seem like, ah, I don't know. Here's my question. I got a couple more follow-up questions. Are these two men, for the most part, your only two relationships you've had? Serious relationships?

No. No. No, I've had previous serious relationships. Okay. Most of them. Not long-term? Most of them are all long-term. All long-term.

Wait, what is making you, like you seem a little emotional. What's making you emotional? That's what I mean, right? Yeah, there's something that's hurting you. What is that feeling? Oh gosh, I don't even know. I didn't realize I was. No, that's okay.

Because obviously this is a very emotionally charged question. Things that stood out to me, and the reason why I asked that question is you described the first guy as safe and wonderful and nice. And that's great. I mean, that makes him a great guy. It doesn't necessarily make him the guy for you. Right.

I think that's important. And I think, listen, maybe this guy who you're hanging out with now is your guy. I would tend to think he's not. I mean, listen, I mean, I guess it's women definitely mature faster than than than men. And maybe this guy is some amazing dude. But and I'm sure he is very exciting. But also there are important aspects of connecting with someone and exciting while great is only one very small aspect of a relationship. And you have to make sure, especially if you're looking for the one that is sustainable, long, long term, exciting in the first six months,

the honeymoon phase is one thing. Be able to like, if that's the one thing that's most exciting about him is he is spot. It's, that's a hard thing for him to live up to for the rest of your life is what I'm saying. There needs to be deeper connections. And,

um, and so comfort is an important thing. You know, there's nothing wrong with, I've, I think it's good to say I'm comfortable with someone. I don't think it's good to say I'm bored with someone. That's also not as equally as good. I guess my point is your person doesn't have to be either of these two guys. And my gut

tells me it's neither. My gut tells me this guy that you're currently hanging out with is serving a specific purpose. And that is you're looking from excitement in your life. You're serving, you're, you're sacrificing your life by giving yourself to serving to the military. And I've never served in the military, but I'm assuming there's a lot of structure and there's a lot of limitations on what you're able to do. And this guy is offering you an outlet, not only to your past relationship with this other guy, but yours is your life in general. And that's exciting and fun and really cool. But I have a hard time believing he's gonna be able to keep up with you long term.

And he's certainly, and you're gonna end up breaking this guy's heart by the way, the younger guy, because someone that young, he's gonna try to convince you that he's mature enough for you and that he can connect with you. And eventually I'd be shocked if one day you don't wake up and be like, nah. Right?

That's just my gut. On the flip side, this other guy, you don't seem very shallow at all. So it's fun to play about the fact that he's in the major leagues now. He's boring to you. And that sucks. And that sucks that you can love him as a person,

but think of the rest of your life if he's boring now shit what's gonna i mean and i get a lot of questions from like it's surprising of the people who like i get constant questions about i've been married for five years i've been married for 10 years we've lost that spark etc etc don't make that mistake of you know again that's settling i mean that's exactly what I was looking for. And I've talked to my friends about this same thing, obviously. And they say the same thing. Like, it might not be either of them.

And that's okay. And, I don't know, that little voice in the back of my head is like, you're almost 30. That's exactly what I was going to say. I was like, the fact that she said she was almost 30, you're about 30 like that's exactly what i was gonna say i was like the fact that she said she was almost 30 you're about to get out of the military you have so many life changes happening right now i'm sure you want that like one security blanket essentially but that that is a lifetime decision you know you don't need to make that decision right now. It sounds to me like you're in control of both of these relationships. So be careful in the sense that don't take advantage of that. Don't keep this guy around as a safety net, the major league player. Don't be a dick.

You know what I'm saying? You can't be friends with him, especially as long as he wants to be with you and don't pretend or lie to yourself that you can be, you're going to have to cut them off. Otherwise you're just kind of being a dick. Otherwise you're not letting him move on. So I think you should, if you decide that he's not your guy,

I think you should cut him off on the, in the other guy too. I mean, again, it sounds like you haven't quite figured it out. I know I told you my opinion, but I think you need to vet that out sooner than later and not lead him on because he's going to fall for you. He's going to think you're the one.

And I'm just saying, like, you need to be upfront with him that this might be just a fun thing so that eventually you're not going to end up breaking his heart. But you probably will in the meantime. I'm just saying you're definitely in control and be mindful of that and don't take advantage of it and don't don't play the victim because you don't know what to do with these two guys i think it's very easy for people to be like well i'm confused i don't know what to do so i'm going to focus on what i and my needs in the meantime these other two guys are just waiting around for you to make a decision and it's kind of on you since you're you have all the power right now i wonder too if maybe

you don't know your needs since you've been in a lot of long-term serious relationships. I wonder if maybe taking some time to get to know yourself and be single would allow you to have more clarity. All right. We have our anonymous friend who has so graciously decided to Skype with us. How old are you, friend? 27.

27. Tell us your story. Hello. I have a job. We're going to go with I have a job. Great. And in that job, there's a coworker, and he is very cute, and I like him. Nice. And he knows this because alcohol is a bad thing. So you've told him. It happens. You said I like him and he knows this because alcohol is a bad thing. So you've told him it happens you said I like you

but the issue is that I'm pretty sure he likes me back he won't say that the issue is that the reason he left his old job was because he had a co-worker relationship and then he left it because of that.

So he is not interested in dating co-workers, which, like, makes sense, but it's also bullshit. Very much makes sense. When we go to happy hour with work, he buys me drinks. Okay. So that's, like, a weird signal. But then he, like, tells me that he's seeing someone else. He is seeing someone else.

That's what he said. No one's ever met this girl. Okay. Well, you mind if I kick this off? Yes. And then you can... Listen, here's what I think you should do. Regardless of whether the truth is,

I think you should just believe him. I don't think you can dismiss the fact that it's something that's just an excuse that you work together. I mean, not to mention, I can't even get into like corporate policy or HR and blah, blah, blah. But the fact that he's already left one job

because of that situation only to find themselves in this situation is not something you can so easily dismiss. I mean, we're talking about someone's career, so that's a valid excuse. So I would tend to believe him. The fact that he buys you drinks and that he's nice to you and pleasant could just mean that he's just a nice guy. And I've bought plenty of female coworkers drinks that I did not want to sleep with. Okay. So don't what I'm, and I'm not trying to be, but it's very easy in these situations when you like someone

naturally to want to make sure they like you and think of reasons and read into every little thing they do in hopes that like, cause your ego's like, well, I mean, I like them and I've even been vulnerable. I got drunk and I told them I like them. Uh, so now you're not, now I think subconsciously you're thinking about how do I figure out if this guy likes me or not? So he bought me drinks. Isn't that big of a deal if I'm being honest in terms of, I'm not saying he doesn't like you. I don't really know is the honest answer is I don't know if he likes you or not. What I do know is that he's told you that he doesn't want to get involved with someone that he works with and you should respect that. And just because you haven't met his girlfriend doesn't mean she doesn't exist. On the flip side, if he is lying about this girl, that should bother you more than

her actually existing. It means he's really trying to let you know he doesn't want to date you. So instead of thinking, well, he might be lying. So maybe he actually likes me. No, either she exists or he really isn't comfortable with dating you. And he still might like you want to sleep with you, make you make sure maybe you're the most wonderful girl he's ever met. But until he comes around, I think you should let it go. Um, and you should let him not buy you drinks. You should buy your own drinks and don't fish for, don't try to find things that he, to figure out if he likes you or not. Assume he doesn't, move on and don't let him flirt with you. Because even if he is buying you drinks,

because he's finding a way to keep you close and flirting with you, then he's just being a dick. Right? Because then if he does like you, if you are right about that then he's told you one thing but he's acting a different way so don't let him do that right so that's your one you know not to like get your hopes up that's your one way of actually getting him to like you is to not let him have his cake and eat it too to cut him off and if he wants to date you then he needs a man up but don't like keep thing, because this is going nowhere fast. I'm sure that he likes you. That said, either way you spin this, it's no bueno, right?

Because let's say he doesn't have a girlfriend and he's buying you drinks. Now he's a liar. Or he does have a girlfriend and he's buying you drinks. Do you want to date somebody who, when he has a girlfriend buys another girl drinks i don't think so but also do we agree that we can buy co-workers drinks without it meaning it's a sexual thing buying all the co-workers drinks or is it just you he's buying drinks is he doing everybody on me okay fair enough yeah like if it's everybody that you can buy a co-worker drink but not like multiple drinks and not like only one person. Yeah. Some guy you barely know who's kind of flirting with you. And that is what's exciting.

And I get that because, I mean, it's exciting. Yeah. Having somebody flirt with you is nice. Take it as a compliment. You're getting caught in it. Yeah. So I think we should just shut them down. Stop letting them buy you drinks.

Yeah. Hey, Nick. My question is just how do you tell the difference between just not being interested in a guy and dating anxiety? How did you tell? How do you tell? I think you know. Right? I think you know. And if you're questioning it, I think it's a no-go.

Well, it's almost like a contradiction. Because I don't know. When I get anxiety about someone, I must really like them. Because there's that fear of rejection. But you know you're interested in. Yeah. But if you're confused about your interest, I wouldn't necessarily have anxiety. So maybe, yeah.

Yeah. I think anxiety comes with really liking somebody and being interested with somebody but i think if you're questioning your interest and having anxiety you just be an anxious person yeah which i am i am too but you're you also definitely don't like them yeah it's like oh i'm so anxious i don't even know if i like them that must be very confusing yeah yeah't, you don't like them. Move on. Yeah. What are your thoughts on ethical non-monogamy? Is that something that you would participate in?

Why or why not? I've gotten this question more and more. It seems to be coming more mainstream of people actually questioning the idea of true monogamy. What are your thoughts? Would you engage? No, it's not for me. Interesting enough, I have friends, close friends who are married, and I don't know their specifics about their marriage, but there's some looseness in their monogamy.

And I will say, from what I can tell, they have the healthiest relationship that I'm aware of, based on the fact that they're on the same page and how well they communicate. It has not necessarily to do with their sexual preferences, but it's the fact that they are so connected on the same page. What I'm saying is, I guess it's just a preference. If you're into it, I just think if you are into it, you need to find someone who's equally into it. I don't think you can convince someone.

You can't be into it and hope that you meet someone and be like, all right, listen, I'm into this thing. You're probably not. But let me warm you up to the concept. I think that's a bad idea. Yeah. I have a girlfriend whose boyfriend for a year went to polyamorous parties, but didn't engage, quote unquote.

Hoping that she would get into it. That never works. The draw of polyamoryory besides sleeping with multiple partners, but why it works for some people, it's not for me, but why it works for some people is that open and honest communication that you need in that sort of relationship. And also setting boundaries. Total preference, I think, when it comes to, as I think most sexual things are in relationships, it's all about preference and communication, which I don't think people do enough of, but, um, yeah, I don't, I'm not here to judge. It's just, you need to be on the same page. Yeah. You do you boo. Hi Nick. Do you think that everything happens for a reason or do you think

that we find reasons for things that happen afterwards and uh secondly what are some non-negotiables for you in a relationship the first question is one of my favorite i'm really curious about your opinion on this i don't think the two are mutually exclusive i think it's both and i think finding the justification gives you that reason and being able to do that leads you to next opportunity i think just being able to reflect and and evolve is that reason itself that's what i think what do you think uh i think shit happens i think things definitely don't happen for a reason um i do think and this is you learn But you've learned from that. Totally different thing. I absolutely think that if you are open to it and allow it to happen,

things will almost often work themselves out. I do not think they're predestined to do so. And I do think when people traditionally say, everything happens for a reason or that happened for a reason, people say it as a way to make them feel better about shitty things that happen. Maybe that shitty thing that happened wouldn't have happened and you have to accept it, you know kind of thing. It's like well I cheated

Well, maybe that was was that supposed to happen and did that happen for a reason? No, you'd made that decision now you can find reason and realizing yeah, you can always learn from it But it it didn't happen for a reason you made a shitty choice. Yeah choice and you have an opportunity to learn from it or not. Yeah. I think you're right. I think you're right. Okay. What are your non-negotiables?

What are your deal breakers? Hygiene. Okay. I mean, I mean like. Do you have to shower every day? Cause you just have to not. I don't care. I don't care about how often you shower.

Just have good breath. Okay. There's a lot of good looking people, but like bad breath, it does not discriminate. Obviously I have preferences, but I wouldn't say non-negotiables in terms of. Interesting. That's the only non-negotiable you have?

In a sense, yes. You did say at the beginning of this, I don't know if it was behind the scenes or not, that you would date a serial killer. So I guess you have no non-negotiables now. I mean, as long as she doesn't kill me, I mean, it me i mean it's like it's fine i mean it would look it would look really like listen it wouldn't not a non-negotiable

it wouldn't be good for my brand just to come out that like hey nick's his girlfriend she's super cool but i'm pretty sure she killed a couple people like years back but i don't i don't know what about you uh serial killer would probably be a non-negotiable. Fine. Yes. I won't. And a cat person. Murder is a crime. And a cat person. I put the two together.

It's funny. My friend has a cat. And in my Instagram stories, I did like a... And everyone's like, oh, you like cats. It's a thing. Like, fuck. I just put one cat in my Instagram story. I will tell you that...

It's weird to know if a guy owned cats. In my youth, I would swipe left on a guy who had a picture with a cat. And my boyfriend likes cats. And I have made a boundary that we will never own one. And I never want to see one in the same vicinity as him. But I've accepted it. Hey, Nick. I have been in a relationship for four years.

We live together, on a house together. But anytime kind of marriage comes up, the relationship or marriage conversation gets avoided. So I'd love some help. My guess is she's probably in her mid 20s. OK. It's a tough question. I mean, like he definitely doesn't want to get engaged anytime soon. I think that's safe to say. And I think you just have to decide whether you're okay with that my thing is four

years in is is difficult for me not because like oh maybe he doesn't want to get married or he does want to get married or he doesn't believe in the institution whatever it may be i think first if you marriage is priority for you bring that up on the first or second date. Don't wait four years down the road. You know what I mean? Guys love to say things they don't mean early on. Don't tell me that. Why are you avoiding this conversation?

What is making you nervous about it? Let's approach those issues. I think after four years, I think we can agree that you have the right to not let him avoid the conversation. And if he's not willing to have that conversation, then I think it's then on you to decide whether you want to be in that relationship anymore. Yeah. Preach. As I mentioned, guys, last week, I founded a company, Natural Habits Essential Oils,

and I'm really proud of and would love to just talk more about it because obviously it's mine. But we have essential oil blends that are USDA organic certified. So again, I don't want to spend too much time boring you with my project, even though I want to talk all day about it. If you've ever interested in essential oils, wanted to use it, our goal is to try to make essential oils easy and safe for everyone. They've been very beneficial for me in my life. I got into it with my struggle with anxiety, because a lot of people have, and headaches. I don't like to self-medicate. I don't like to put a lot of things in my body.

My sister, who's a holistic nutritionist, really turned me on to them, and she's very anti that. So I was just looking for more holistic approaches. And I was kind of a skeptic at first, but they just really helped me. It's great with aromatherapy. Uh, they have some very powerful attributes to it. And, um, when you blend various essential oils, they can maximize the benefits, which was confusing for me at first. And we try to make that easy for everyone. So what's a good starter one for somebody like me, who's never really gotten into it. Well, that's the thing. It's actually a natural habits daily bundle has a good starter. Thank you for asking. Um, these are specific blends. So we have four blends. One is Rise for waking up, mental clarity. You'd use it to start your day.

Center would be for migraines and headaches. Protect would be just having, using it every day to boost your immunity or detox your system. And then our Release is for anxiety and calming down and going to bed. So they're ready to go out of the box. They're diluted with organic jojoba oil, so they're safe to put directly on your skin. Check us out at nhoils.com. 20% off with code MAKEITNATURAL. We know you'll love it.

And, I mean, Hannah, you definitely have to try this. I mean, I'm Jewish. I'll take the 20% off. You didn't hear that from me. She's a rock star. I know that you loved this episode. I did I haven't even heard it back yet

Hannah thanks so much for doing this you're fantastic wonderfully opinionated where can people find you? people can find me at Hannah Cranston on Instagram and Twitter and at Hannah Cranston host on Facebook

I also have my new podcast Too Much To Handle where we talk about awesome sex and dating career pros and woes, and body issues. Are you going to have me on your podcast? You better come on. It was not a question. It was a command. She went to Duke, by the way, people, which I don't know about you. I just

thought was really cool. I don't know. I feel like, first of all, I couldn't afford to go to Duke, nor do I know if I'm smart enough to get accepted into Duke. And so I was just really into it when I learned that she went to Duke. So my first Duke friend. Oh, that's beautiful. Thank you for coming. Thank you for having me.

It's been awesome. Yeah. Thanks guys.