The Viall Files - E204 Ask Nick - Faith, Guilt & Independence

Episode Date: November 30, 2020

On this weeks episode of Ask Nick we start with another couple who is trying to figure out how to make sure they have their own independence while being in a relationship. Our next caller struggles in her relationship because her faith means so much to her and her boyfriend does not believe in religion at all. Finally we speak to a woman who is feeling tremendous guilt after having an affair on her ex and is not able to handle the feelings she has and wonders how she can move forward in a new relationship with that guilt. Her struggle with losing her identity in relationships has kept her from finding the next relationship in fear that she will lose herself again.  “ You can’t prove to him what kind of person you are cause he is hurting“ Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Rum Haven: http://www.discover.rumhaven.com for the latest tips, recipes, and giveaways. Mrs. Fields: http://www.mrsfields.com use promo code VIALL for 20% off your order. Crossrope: http://www.crossrope.com/viall to get $40 off the Get Fit Bundle plus free shipping.  MVMT: http://www.mvmt.com/viall to check out MVMT’s biggest sale of the year with fast free shipping and fast returns.  Modern Fertility: http://www.modernfertility.com/viall for $20 off Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You know what? Sometimes we make the mistake of having seasonal drinks that are too literal. But why do we have to give up on tropical feelings even during the holiday seasons of the winter? No, no, no, no. Rum Haven. Crafted using real coconut water and no artificial preservatives or flavorings. Mix up a tropical cocktail while you catch up on your favorite show. Enjoy Rum Haven straight over ice and club soda or in your favorite cocktail for a tropical twist. Rum Haven gives you a little island escape without the travel. Bring a tropical twist to your holidays with Rum Haven and eggnog. So to get your

Rum Haven now, visit discover.rumhaven.com for the latest tips, recipes, and giveaways. What is going on, everybody? Happy Monday. I hope you guys are doing great. I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving and you were smart, safe, and happy. And we have a great episode for you, so we won't waste too much of your time. Other than, once again, make sure to remind you to send in your questions at AskNickAtCastMe.com. I hope you've been enjoying the couples that we have had on.

We have another one today, and we encourage some couples out there to continue this couple fun. So, yeah, just do that. Other than that... We have our breakup books. We have our breakup books. That's right.

If you have a friend who won't shut up about how much they miss their shitty boyfriend, get him this breakup book that's titled Just Because You're Sad Doesn't Mean He's Special and then encourage them to write all the things that they didn't like about their boyfriend or girlfriend. Yeah. This is a list full of complaints, airing of grievances, if you will. And it is a great reminder of that maybe it's for the best.

Yeah. And other merch is available right now at vilefiles.com. Got some hoodies, some cute tops. Some tote bags. Some masks. Some hats. Some beanies.

So check out some merch, people. I think that's it. I think that's it. I think that's it. We love you guys. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to rate us five stars. We'd like you to do that, I guess. Oh, and on Wednesday, we have Jody Rogers from Love on a Spectrum,

who was a delightful person. If you watch Love on a Spectrum on Netflix, she shares some insight into that show and working with people on the spectrum or with autism. She's also a sexologist, and we talk about just sex in general and the relationship, ways to spice things up, perspective of looking at the relationship.

She was very delightful, and I know all you Ask Nick people are going to love Jodie Rogers. So be sure to check that out. And we'll be back later today, tonight, tomorrow with some sort of Bachelor recap. With Russell Dickerson. Is it? Country artist Russell Dickerson. Well, country artist Russell Dickerson, who is a former musical guest on The Bachelor.

Yes. And super fan. Will be helping us break down Tisha's episode of The Bachelorette. So join us for that. And without further ado, your callers. Question time with Nick.

Let's ask Nick your sexy questions How's it going? Good. I'm Eleanor. I'm 27. And I'm Sarah and I'm 25. All right.

Nice to meet you both. And who wrote in? Me. All right. Eleanor. Yeah. Well, and you guys are dating? Yes yes we've been dating for a little over a year and we live together okay well why don't you tell us what's going on Eleanor okay uh I will

first confess that I did write in without express permission so uh red flag number one point point sarah here's what happened i really a didn't think that we were gonna get picked and b uh messaged her your post on instagram i was like what should we talk about and she said something so i took that as like tacit okay and i was wrong and here we are i mean because we were excited we listened to the show together and part of our dating is that I've converted her to be a hardcore Bachelor fan especially in quarantine

we watched all the greatest of all times and she watched the whole season of Paradise yeah watched the whole season of Paradise in about two and a half to three days. Well, that's a good show. If you watched the greatest of all time, then you are a diehard. You're committed.

We're a diehard. Very committed. So what is going on in the relationship that you guys aren't seeing eye to eye on? Okay, well, it's a two-parter. So the first kind of thing is we have been dating. Sarah's really independent and used to have a lot of friends who she would see all the time, but because of quarantine, that's kind of gone down. So we've spent a lot more time together and then we just moved in together, which is great. We really love hanging out, but

I think something we want to make sure of is that we maintain our independence and we don't just like smush together and become one lesbian blob who doesn't leave their house okay and is this a natural problem or like just a general concern that you want to make sure doesn't happen a little bit of both mean, I wouldn't say it's like an everyday problem, but there'll definitely be days where one of us is excited to do something or wants to, you know, sit together and watch a movie and the other person wants to like be locked in the room and not be like talked to or spoken to. Is that, is your, is your desire for independence mutual or is one person more independent than the other? Sarah's more independent. Okay. That's fine.

There's nothing wrong with that. I've always, no, I've been more of a like, I have a few close friends. She is a person who has a lot of close friends. So that requires a lot of time away from me which was a lot more challenging at the beginning and i've sort of gotten used to it um but it has been like a reoccurring issue i guess for the whole time we've been dating and now it's just like a weirder version of it because it's quarantine and it takes so much more effort to see people and everything and and you guys haven't been dating for that long,

but how close is Eleanor becoming with your friends, Sarah? I mean, they get along really well. It's really great. It's been pretty easy to integrate her in. And I think it's like the advantage of being in like a two-woman relationship is it's easier to folder into like girls nights or like everyone hanging out but then also sometimes i don't want her to be there just because i want my own fun time there no yeah totally i mean sometimes listen you guys are

already ahead of the game that you can say that out loud sarah and eleanor can be like fair i mean quite honestly that's obvious but like sometimes it's hard to hear from the person that you love or in a relationship with it's like it's like I get it but I don't want to fucking hear it or see it kind of thing you know it feels terrible I get it like intellectually but if she's like I don't want

to talk to you today I'm like okay yep good for you thank you for communicating that boundary but I'm gonna to go cry. So do you feel like Sarah's just like too direct with you sometimes? Yes, I do. I feel like I've given a gentle guidance of being like, hey, in the future, maybe if you said this a gentler way, like not leave me alone. So here's a scenario. Can ask like so all right we both

you guys know who each other's are are you guys know your personalities so like there's here's sarah's like sarah wants to go hang out with her friends so she's like eleanor i'm gonna go i'm gonna go hang out with the girls and you don't invite eleanor, right? Now, Eleanor, are you the type of person who's going to be like, all right, cool, or are you going to be like, I don't want to hear you tell me you want to hang out with people, but then you go and be like, well, so you don't want me to come? Like, you know what I'm saying? Do you pick up on the cues to avoid those awkward bits of honesty

that you say you don't want to hear? I would say yes. I don't have as much of a problem with her hanging out with other people. I think it's harder to hear that she wants to hang out with no, like she wants to hang out with no one. Like you're picking hanging out alone over hanging out with me.

Well, yeah. But why do you, you don't necessarily get to have an opinion on whatever quality time she wants that doesn't include you. Again, as long as it doesn't cross any boundaries of trust and things like that, but as long as it's within the parameters of you guys being okay with it, her quality of time is her quality of time.

If it involves her talking to her imaginary friend, hanging out with the girls girls or reading a book, that's what she needs to be her best partner for you. You don't get to decide, well, yeah, you can have your independence, but as long as like it's this and it sounds cool to me or it's what I would do.

It doesn't really, yeah, it doesn't really work that way. And I get it. So like stop thinking of it as well i get that you'd want to hang out with your girlfriends because like it's other people but like if you want to hang out with yourself why can't i just be there well yeah maybe if sarah is someone who requires like alone time and that that's a lot of people do that's a normal thing so this is like kind of an easy solution you just have to not take it personally yeah it's so hard no i know but it's like a framing thing it's like and it makes a lot of sense we do that a lot like we have somewhere

along the line decided that you know this is this is normal. This is not, or this is socially acceptable. This is not right. Somewhere along the line you've decided. And because maybe that's how you work, that, you know, we all have a fear of being alone to a certain degree and especially people who have a harder time being alone. The idea of being alone sounds torturous. Right. And so yours, you could be thinking she would rather torture herself and spend time with me because I hate being alone. You know what I'm saying? Like, it's just a framing thing.

You just have to change your perspective. And this realizes like, that's not how she, she's not, she doesn't not only fear it, she values it, you know? And so we do that a lot sometimes in relationships, be like be like well why would you do that i would hate that and therefore i'm going to take it personally it's not it's not you know it's not about you i guess and that you know so those are the little things yeah i guess that's true team sarah on that one all right well glad I joined. No, I mean, yeah. Yeah. No, you're not wrong, for sure.

And then communicate that, right? Like, it's also okay for you to feel a little bit insecure sometimes about this because you're not used to it. Yeah. You know. But you're better off just, you know, framing it as insecurity rather than judging her for being alone. Yeah, I think it's harder now because we live together. At least when we didn't, she could just say like, okay, I want to go home for the day.

But now it's like, I'm just going to go in the other room. I'm sure so many people are having this quarantine thing plus living living together it's also all about balance too right at some point sarah is going to have to like recognize it's like yeah i love being alone but i need to like love it a little bit less you know again it's just a little bit of a balance you guys are gonna find over time but again like let her just be alone don't like i don't feel like do you need to be alone don't make her feel like she has to be like can you just leave me alone because that's a lot harder that stings a lot more when someone's like you leave me alone rather than they just sneak off into the other room and you're just like okay i get it um yeah it sounds like you guys are just finding

your balance in the meantime while you're finding your balance and you're finding out how you guys like don't get on each other's nerves and how to avoid it you know just uh don't judge yourself and don't give in to like you know your kind of social stereotypes social stereotypes. And don't assume how you feel is how they feel and how you interpret a situation as how they would. And that way you'll avoid a lot of unnecessary fights. Like, well, this makes me feel a certain way, so you must feel this way about it too. Therefore, this is the opinion I have on it.

They could feel totally different. Like being alone. Hey guys, you need a great and simple and a little gift that every one of the people you send it to will love? Well, Mrs. Fields has you covered. I am currently holding, if you're watching, a snowman made out of little cute gift boxes.

If you're listening, I'm telling you, it's soups adorbs. Soups adorbs, all different kinds of cookies in there because cookies, nothing says holidays like cookies. Yeah, it's true. And we all need this year some PLC, some peace, love, and most of all, cookies. I did not come up with that because I'm not smart enough to do that.

Good thing Mrs. Fields is here to help you send some extra tasty holiday cheer well it's good holiday gift sets which is really cool because then you can send them out to clients family members perfect for clients perfect for clients a small thank you to a friend that friend who you did a little something extra you want to neighbor the mailman this is the ultimate it's the thought that counts gift. Yeah. Because everybody likes cookies. Everyone's going to love it. No one's going to say no. Everyone's going to enjoy it.

Even if it's just the packaging. I want a snowman shaped in little boxes. I mean, it's really cute. The packaging is amazing. You put this under your Christmas tree, it's amazing. Yeah. Like ooey gooey cookies melted in your mouth brownies and delicious handcrafted confections. I'm so excited to tear into that.

Always delivered with passion quality and homemade deliciousness. That's how Mrs. Fields started after all. Choose from a huge selection of holiday gift baskets and cookie tins and spread the season's greetings we all love the most. You know, the edible kind. That's right. Our listeners get 20% off site-wide when you use promo code VIALL at mrsfields.com. Just click or tap on the microphone at the top and enter promo code VIALL for 20% off your order.

That's mrsfields.com, promo code VIALL, M-R-S-F-I-E-L-D-S.com. Be the great gift giver that's unique. Unique. Unique. Because everyone has fitness goals, so give them the joy of jump rope so they can have fun and fitness all at the same time with Crossrope.

Crossrope. Get your jump on. Get your jump on. I thought you were going to be like, get your jump on. Get your jump on. I thought you were going to be like, get your jump on. Crossrope. I've been using crossrope for some time now. They have state-of-the-art jump ropes, if there ever was such a thing. They have heavy ropes.

I guess you call them heavy ropes. And then they have more traditional jump ropes. It's amazing how much you can work your core. Your core is, if you don't know this, like your stomach and your torso. Those are parts of the body that people so often forget when they work out. I forget all the time.

And you're kind of playing that trick. Chrissy's like, what's a core? What's a core? I'm so confused by this. You mean the thing like you have? So you're going to be getting me some cross ropes for Christmas is what you're saying for the holidays. That's right.

So I can figure out what that core is. Maybe find it in there somewhere. It'll be great. Weighted ropes give better feedback, make it easier to jump in as a beginner. They also have this amazing app that gives you all different types of jump rope workouts that I'm sure you never thought of, but it helps you mix it up.

Variety is key with fitness. So if you are a runner, if you like riding a bike, that's great. You don't have to stop that, but you need to mix in different type of exercises to work different muscles, and cross rope is a great and fun way to do it. So finish your holiday season strong with cross rope. Get that friend a very creative and fun way to stay in shape and meet their fitness goals get 40 off the get fit bundle plus free shipping at crossrope.com slash v-i-a-l that is 40 off a get fit bundle at crossrope.com slash v-i-a-l

yeah that's true i also think with balance like one thing that we. I also think with balance, like one thing that we've been also struggling with in quarantine, it's like finding time for like the romantic part of our relationship, like just outside of like every day hanging out and, you know, making dinner and watching our shows or whatever. Like we've kind of been struggling to find like more just relationship time and I think with we just click into that mode very differently like I can kind of just snap and be like okay romance time but Sarah takes a little more uh transitional intentional

time so that's been something that we've kind of i don't want to say struggled with that seems too strong but a difference that we have where we kind of don't see eye to eye about yeah the process of like being romantic if that makes sense yeah i don't have an answer for you i wish but like you know i don't know i could no but i'm just like also it's fine yeah right like doesn't this doesn't sound like a major problem I feel like I you know hearing you out I feel like I relate a little bit more to Sarah than I do Eleanor in this situation where you know like I can get a little too comfortable with being alone and then also and then like I can't just be like all right it's romance time like I it's harder for me to just turn it on

that way but I have to challenge myself in relationships to be more mindful of that because I don't always want to be Debbie Downer when it's time to like spice it up because you're right in these situations like you're gonna you have to force the issue a little bit

you know and so it's going to be harder for you sarah to to do that and that's just something you're gonna have to suck up and do from time to time because like eleanor can't carry the weight the whole time it's just gonna get exhausting and she's gonna feel like you don't give a shit so it's true yeah but it's true. Yeah. But it's tricky. And then I don't always want to feel like I need to make some big effort obviously sometimes, but it can be hard if I'm like, okay, if we're ever going to have some date time, romantic time, I need to schedule it and have a big, not a big plan, but have a plan. And then I feel like there's

sometimes pressure associated with it where it's like, this is date time. It needs to be very romantic. Why don't you, why don't, is date time. It needs to be very romantic. Why don't you, why don't since date time comes so naturally for you, Eleanor, why don't you like, you'll both hate this idea by the way, but for like a month.

Sure. Sarah, is it the only one in charge of scheduling quality time i do love scheduling she loves the schedule yeah so like just try it out for a month it's totally on your it's totally and you have to just accept it it's all good and and then in a month think like maybe kind of sit down and be like well how was that did we hate that how this is what made me keep like a journal of it how you and don't give feedback in the moment this is don't like reassess journal your thoughts independently about like how it made you feel

how was it was it good was it bad i feel it felt insecure i mean like you schedule just journal it but only let sarah do the thing that she's not as good at as you are and see if that makes you feel because the idea is you then you know she's doing this for you it's her job and then you feel like even though it is her job don't and don't the only one rule about this is you can't there's no criticism that includes well i mean you only did this because we decided that you were going to do this and it doesn't really count like you can't say that you don't get to say that eleanor you have to just be not okay that that is that doesn't so yeah and other than that just see how you see how it works

then the pressure's totally off you you're not you're not even responsible for doing it and you know sarah you got to step it up a little bit right i'll take the challenge i'm just came up with that i'm really curious let me know if you guys break up in two months, I'm really sorry. Don't even put it out there. But I feel like... We're about to sign a lease. But the truth is, if this is a terrible idea, you'll be like, that was stupid, and you guys just don't do it.

But I actually think this could be a really good exercise. It's something fun to do. You're dealing with quarantine. I like the journaling idea. And then a month, you sit back, you get together and be like, all right, well, what did we think? And when you do bring your journals about how you guys thought, like do it with kindness. This is not a winning thing. This is not like, well, you know, just.

And also don't take it personally, the feedback you do get. That sometimes can be a lot. Like, hey, I've saved an entire month of gripes. Yeah, you don't want that. When you do that, just, yeah. Like, yeah, it was great. This made me feel a certain way. How did it make you feel?

It could just be great. Hopefully. It could just be what you guys do for the rest of your relationship. No. Well, you like to schedule things, Sarah. Yes, that's true. That's true.

What would make you, what would be one idea that you like? Me? What's a fun date night for you? Fun date night. I'm trying to think of, it's hard because we do a lot of stuff that we like to do. So I'm trying to think of something that's not just like watch a fun movie

or play a game. What would be fun? Maybe cooking something together. Because typically I do all the cooking because Sarah's very, I don't want to call you out, but very impatient. She would like everything to just cook very fast. So if we could find something that's on purpose slower and more of like a fun thing to make together, then I'll feel like she's included

and I'm not just doing the cooking for the family, which I don't mind. I'm a good cook. Yeah, but it's just doing the cooking for the family, which I don't mind. I'm a good cook. Yeah, but it's not about the cooking. It's just like hanging out, spending time, and doing something you have fun doing and she's participating in. Yeah, that would be fun.

So if you came up with a thing for us to cook. Okay. Okay, well, just, I mean, you did just come up with that. Oh, damn it. So not that. It can be that. Maybe that's the thing you do at the end of the month. That's like, but the first, that can't be the first one.

That's true. Okay, don't do that one. So I got something planned. We're going to cook. Yeah. So, you know. Okay. And just go along with it. it no everything she comes up with

eleanor is great at first at least that's the you know and it also doesn't like and don't fall into the trap of the idea of things because maybe maybe movie night is good she just has to make movie night special because movie night includes like a couple candles i don't know some essential oils like your favorite candy that you watch but like you make it a thing as opposed to like what should we watch tonight maybe maybe sarah has pre-planned the movie you are going to watch because so you don't spend 45 minutes figuring out what to watch and it's one of your favorite movies i don't know like something like that you know kind of finally took my own advice to be such a great boyfriend i never do this shit but you know you should get it together get it together um so yeah we do love our essential oils

yes there you go um Give it a shot. But it sounds like these are all fixable little wrinkles that you guys can handle. Good. That makes me feel good. Let her be alone. Don't take it personally. Let her be alone.

It's not about you. It's not at all. Like anyone Sarah dates for the rest of her life, and hopefully it's only you, she will need to be alone at times. That's probably true. I don't even know her. I know that's true.

I mean, that's just like, there's people who like to be alone. And there's no person who's going to change that. The difference is they find someone who just is okay with it. people who like to be alone and like there's no person who's going to change that the difference is they find someone who just is okay with it and that they don't make them feel guilty or judged and again like doesn't mean that sarah doesn't have to at times be like you know what i have to be a little bit less alone because my partner who i love like gets a little lonely and insecure sometimes and they don't like being alone

so it's just the balance but yeah nothing no one is going to change her affinity for her own time so that should make you feel better yeah at least it's not about me that is what I have that's what I'm saying it's not about you like it's not like why is did I do something wrong like I don't know. In my experience, when people feel like they take it personally, I should be enough. I should, you know, like, oh, God, I fucking hate it when people say that. I should be enough. Like, well, you're just not.

I've never said that. No, I'm not saying you do, but a lot of people, a lot of people do. Yeah. And it's just like you put yourself in a no-win situation. It's unreasonable expectations. Yeah, we don't want that. All right. Well, I hope this was helpful.

I think it's helpful. Yeah, thank you. Are you glad you joined? I'm glad I joined. Yes. Thanks for the peer pressure. You're such a trickster. I just said, Nick just wants to say hi to you.

And she said, okay, now here we are. Well, if you really hate it, you can let me know. But I feel like you should be fine with it. It was fun. No, it was nice. Thank you. Thank you for the advice. And no one will see your guys' face.

No one will. That's good. And I also think this is very relatable and will be very helpful for people. That makes me happy. I also love the idea i came up with i'm honestly curious how it works can you please write chrissy and let her know if it was yeah terrible or yes a month from today yeah we'll hit you up in a month and let you know what happened i'm looking forward to it i love it when people update us yeah cooking cooking it can't be

your first idea actually in the in this month i think you can come up with i mean how i'm thinking four right once a week do you guys have once a week it's also it's also her birthday month so i feel like it's a good month to do it five then yes well scorpio already i already have a birthday yeah she got a birthday plan so i'm the end of scorpio though so i'm a more chill scorpio i don't know what that means sarah what are you he just said scorpio and made like a face so yeah what are you sarah um i'm a gemini tourist cusp oh bad it's bad news nick i don't know yeah i don't know yeah i don't subscribe to that person i I do.

I'm so into it. Do you know your risings and your moons and your... Yeah, I have a whole app. I bet she's got the CoStar app. I do, but that app is such a bummer. All the time I had to get rid of it. Now I just do Sanctuary. Whoever writes CoStar hates Scorpios.

They're like, you're going to have a sexually unsatisfying month. I'm like, months? CoStar? Well, not anymore with Nick's new plan. So here you go. That's true. They're like, you're going to have a sexually unsatisfying month. I'm like, months? Co-star. Well, not anymore with Nick's new plan. So here you go. That's true. Just don't co-star. Well, I mean, I feel like horoscopes are just like, they're bullshit.

Because it's just like, this is how you're going to feel. And they plant that seed. I don't think so. You're not wrong. I mean, I just think it's kind of a fun thing to read. I think it's totally fun. Well, best of luck, you two. I mean, I just think it's kind of a fun thing to read. I think it's totally fun. Well, best of luck you two.

I think you, I think you guys did just fine. Thank you. Thank you for calling in. And you know, Nick, I just want to say, we appreciate that you're such a good ally to the LGBT community.

Thank you for saying it's my pleasure. Easy to do. We talk about it all the time. And it was really nice. We rewatched the season about it all the time. And it was really nice. We rewatched the season of Paradise with Demi. And when you stood up for her and that was, you know, really nice for us.

I was really disappointed in some of the people's responses. Yeah. Well, so was I. I don't know. Yeah. But we appreciate you is the point. Thanks for listening.

I appreciate it. And I really appreciate you both coming on. Yeah. Yeah, thanks for having us on. All right. Bye, guys. Bye. Bye.

Time is money, people. So wear your movement watches now. And if you have a watch, you should get another watch because their watches are extremely affordable. Their watches really feel like $400 or $500 watches that you're getting at a fraction of the price. They're durable. I wear mine every day. They're great quality.

They have great design. Whether you want something more casual or you want something that's a dress up, they have all different varieties. They also have incredible glass frames for sunglasses or for reading glasses or if you don't yet, if you're a poser like myself

who sometimes thinks he looks good in glasses, you tell people it's blue light, which like has a function, but also you can just look hot. Yeah. You can just look hot in glasses. Plus it's really good for gifts because you don't even have to wrap it.

It like saves you so much time because the boxing is so cool. So it comes with like a bow and ready to go already. So get it for a friend or get it for yourself if you just want to look, if you're vain like me, you know, you just wear glasses. Anyway, Movement. Check out Movement's biggest sale of the year with fast free shipping and free returns by going to MVMT.com slash V-I-A-L-L.

Be a hero. Give the gift of Movement. Your friends and yourself will be happy. Oh, this is cool. Their products are one size fits all. Modern it's baby making season maybe i think it's been baby making season for a while don't you think well if you've been trying with uh maybe not the success you hope for look into modern fertility hey listen i can only imagine the stress that comes into family planning and and uh and trying to conceive a child.

I certainly have lots of friends who have been trying, some with various degrees of success, varying degrees of success. And information is key. So if you are looking to get pregnant or you know you want to be a parent someday and just want some information, Modern Fertility is an absolutely wonderful company that gives you the information that you need. That's why Modern Fertility was created with the easy and affordable way

to test your fertility hormones at home with a simple finger prick. Mail it in with a prepaid label and you'll get your personalized results within 10 days. Your personal dashboard will give you insight into how many eggs you have, hormone levels, thyroid health, and reproductive red flags.

The results go into in-depth with what every hormone means, and you can talk one-on-one with a family nurse to review your results and options for the next steps. Traditional tests like this would cost thousands of dollars in the doctor's office, but Modern Fertility only costs $159 to get the same result. And right now, if you use promo code VIALL, you get an additional $20 off your test. So to get Modern Fert And right now, if you use promo code VIALL, you get an additional $20 off your test. So to get Modern Fertility right now and that $20 off, go to modernfertility.com

slash VIALL to get your $20 off. So that's $139 instead of the hundreds or thousands it would cost at a doctor's office. Get $20 off your Modern Fertility test when you go to modernfertility.com slash VIALL. That is modernfertility.com slash V-I-A-L-L. That is modernfertility.com slash V-I-A-L-L. How's it going? Hi, my name is Ashley and I am 23. Hi, Ashley, 23. How can I help?

So like I mentioned in my email, I've been dating this guy for a little bit over a year and everything just kind of seemed to fall into place once we started dating after he slid into the DMs. And very early on, we had talked about our differences in faith. So I'm a very strong believer in faith. I value faith a lot. And he doesn't. So he doesn't believe in anything at all so he's practically an atheist um and everything was going fine until like now where we we don't really know where to go um and we actually haven't been really talking for the past few days because we're trying to figure out

so i guess my question is like what do you think like do you have any advice should we just break up should we try to keep going so you've been dating how long you've been dating for for a little bit over a year okay and you've been aware of this problem the whole time i shouldn't say a problem you've been aware of this situation the whole time between the two of you this difference uh he told me on our third date okay so yeah i mean i guess like i've known for about 10 months okay more or less and what's changed because you you knowing hasn't changed what's changed that all of a sudden it's a problem where you guys are not talking well um we've always said that we wanted to date to marry right like that's what we both had agreed on since the beginning yep um but i guess i was kind of

i always felt like no like it's gonna pass like we're not gonna get married but then the more we started dating the more serious it got and he actually already wanted to give me a promise ring um to you know go ahead and move into engagement and that's where i was kind of like i put the backtracks and i was like well now i don't know because it is such a huge thing now um so i guess i guess what what changed was me where i don't know if i'm ever gonna be okay with the fact that he doesn't believe because he doesn't like believe at all. All right. Well, I mean, that's kind of your answer, right? I mean, listen, it's, it's not a problem. It's a difference. And then you have, I mean,

when I, when I say it's not a problem, it's not, uh, it's not a problem. Like some problems are just like some problems are just like cheating is a problem for any relationship, right? Right. It's a universal problem in relationships because there's lying and deceit and distrust, right? Having a difference in religious beliefs or faith is only a problem if the people involved think it's a problem. And they have the right to think it's a problem. And it sounds like you think it's a problem. And again, nothing's really changed, right?

You've always known this situation. It's a problem to you. You decided for whatever reason to ignore what was important to you. And now that it's become real or more in your face, you've decided not to ignore it. So, like, you have your answer. I mean, going forward, I think you need to get better at not ignoring things that are eventually going to be a problem for you. Right. right so like the next person you date uh if they say kind of the same things but you like everything about them don't date them regardless thinking it's going to change people don't change

they're not going to magically become spiritual i mean it's possible but unless right it's not as if he if on a date you sit down and someone's like, I don't know, I just never really had a religious background. I don't really have any opinion on it. Who knows? Maybe they'll convert to whatever you believe because they're just like, I don't know. Sure, I'll go to your church. Fine. Great.

God. Awesome. You know, sounds like this guy was like, no, I have an opinion. That opinion is I don't buy any of this stuff. It's not for me. I'm resistant towards it. You know? And in those cases,

it almost never changes. Well, because funny that you mentioned, actually, he did tell me like when, like about a month ago, because this has been like constant for a few, like for a few months now,

like two months, maybe he said that if um like if if it mattered to me so much that he would you know like go to church with me like once or twice a month or um he would like encourage me to keep going with my faith and I was like well like yes like that's great and all but I don't have really a reassurance of like that you're really gonna do that once we get married or we continue moving forward and he was just like well that's all i can do for you okay yeah just read that you guys are being honest with each other it sounds like you know what you want in a partner and that is in a serious partner is someone to share your religious and faith with and that's great right he Right. He's being honest. It's like,

I don't know if I'm your, I'm a, I'm that guy. And he shouldn't be made feel, to feel guilty that he's not. But now you guys have to, if, if that is what is important to you, then you need to follow through and just own it. Right. You know, it's just like, yeah, it's just now like he's making me feel kind of like oh it's your fault and he's he's making it seem like it's my fault that we can't really work out so i also kind of have that in my head now well it is your fault because that's what you want and

you shouldn't feel guilty about it like he's okay with the current situation you're not so by definition your needs is the reason why it sounds like this might end i mean it is what it is yes you have to accept and be happy with your decision be proud of your decision because that's what's important to you and yes he might get mad or say some things that hurt your feelings and he's just frustrated and i can get from his point of view he might be like well why did like why did you let it get this far and he has a right to be frustrated about that you should have figured this out sooner nothing has changed you decided to ignore what was important to you and now as it's gotten serious you've decided to acknowledge what's important to you fine lesson learned don't keep doing it but if i were him i'd be pissed all right and he's going to be frustrated

and it doesn't it's not an excuse for him to say anything that hurts your feelings but i'm just simply saying you have to own what your needs and what you want and that's great and then just rip the band-aid off and deal with it you know like there's no world you don't get to you don't get to end the relationship and not feel any guilt for any reason whatsoever you know like relationships and breakups are messy you care about them still you know you like a lot of things about them you're going to be sad if you end a relationship but if you are saying this is very important to you it's a top priority i know that no matter what This is very important to you. It's a top priority.

I know that no matter what, sharing my faith and religion is monumentally important with whoever I marry, then you should feel good knowing that that's important to you. A lot of people don't know what they want and you do, and that's an important thing. Now you have to execute on it and stop wasting other people's time and your time by pretending to have relationships with people who don't fill that need that you have decided is very important to you right and i think that that's one of my problems that we both had said that it's like well you ignored it for so long and now that it's real like it's like it like it's frustrating and he is very frustrated and upset with me now um i guess i just i needed like a third party to to give me advice.

My advice is to break up with them and just get it over with. Right. Based on what you're telling me. Right. No. Yeah. Yeah. And I don't have an advice on like, here's how you do it.

So he's not mad and everyone's happy. Like, this is not going to happen. He's going to be hurt. You're going to be sad too this is gonna be something you're gonna have to go uh that you're gonna you two are gonna have to deal with and that sucks and it'll be fine you'll survive but stop wasting each other's time you know right and he is right to say i'm sorry and you have to say i mean he's right to say i'm frustrated be frustrated and you all you can say, all you can do is apologize. You're right.

I should have known. I should have been more honest with myself sooner. And I am sorry for that because as a result, I have hurt your feelings and I've dragged this on longer than I should have. And that's something. And I am sorry. I have no excuse. I, you know, but this is important to me. And what I don't want to keep doing is what I have been doing is by pretending that I can ignore

what's important to me because that's not going to change. And he can't do this for you. He can't panic and be like, well, I'll start going to your church. It sounds like you want someone not to just show up, but to be a part of it,

to have conversations with, to share in those beliefs and raise your kids that way. That's totally your prerogative and to have conversations with to share in those beliefs and raise your kids that way that's totally your prerogative you have a right to want that it's not it's not like that's not him it's not pretending it's going to be him all right just say goodbye and i'm sorry it's okay but yeah you have to hold yourself a little more accountable right no and i understand and you really called me out so i i really needed that as well okay It's okay, but you have to hold yourself a little more accountable. Right.

No, and I understand. And you really called me out. So I really needed that as well. Okay. Well, good luck. And now you know. Thank you. And you're going to be okay. All right.

Thank you. I appreciate it. All right. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. How's it going? Good. How are you?

Good. What's your name? My name is Laura. I'm 28 years old. Hi, Laura, 28. How can I help? Well, I know I actually sent you an email today, so thanks for fitting me in. But it was a little bit too long, but I'm just going to try to capture everything. But long story short, I have noticed that I've been kind of a serial monogamist since I was like 14 years old. Just get into relationships, serious ones, and then move on to the next one right away.

Okay. And I noticed I did that from 14 to pretty much 27. Um, and I never really understood what was going on. I just kind of, you know, again, I started therapy a couple of years ago and now I think I have a much better understanding of what, what happened. But, um, you know, along the way, I think I noticed a pattern that I lose myself in relationships. And most probably significantly, my last relationship, which was the person I got married to, I noticed I was not myself from the very beginning. Pretty much lost my entire personality through that, but stuck anyway. Obvious abandonment issues, daddy issues, the whole thing.

But didn't really realize that until things blew up. Actually, there was a lot of cheating on both sides. But honestly, I think I it's my most of it is on me. I did have an affair pretty quickly after we got married. And that kind of blew things up, obviously obviously but it forced me to start therapy forced me to start really looking at myself um I always thought I was self-aware but I had no idea how much I was lacking in that department so fast forward um I you know I've decided it wasn't the right relationship for me for many reasons besides the affair, obviously. I decided to get a divorce last year, so about a year ago exactly. And I told myself, because I've been this serial monogamous, I really need time to process, understand what happened, and kind of break the cycle break the pattern um and so i was

doing pretty well with that um kind of just didn't see anyone for like four or five months then some friends told me like just start getting out there like you don't have to try to get into a relationship just at least whatever be around guys but then hope it happened whatever I didn't you know I still saw some people but nothing no trying to like make it more than it is and then uh this June so about four months ago um I met a guy on a dating app and we clicked right away the first time we met and we've been seeing each other pretty like completely exclusively for the last four months. And I feel like more of myself than I have ever before. And, you know, it's not just about how kind he is or how understanding he is of my situation.

And I've been able to be honest with him like, hey, I did cheat on my husband. Hey, I did do this that I'm not proud of in my prior relationship. This is where I'm at. I'm not really ready. So I've been able to be honest about some tough things. And I think it's been a great, you know, not official relationship because I just know I'm not ready, but it's been a great exercise and good communication. Um, but I still find myself, um, you know, my ex husband still sends me really angry emails, um, every couple of weeks. So like every time I get those, I just get sent back into a big cycle of guilt. Um, why is, uh, I mean, how long have you been divorced for?

I got, I moved out about a year ago. Is it a divorce final? Yeah. So there's no real reason you guys should be communicating? No. Here's the thing.

I mean, it sounds like you hurt your ex-husband and I am sorry for him. And it sounds like you are sorry too, but like at some point he needs to get his own shit figured out. He needs to do his own therapy. If he were calling in and et cetera, et cetera, and telling me his version of your story, I would tell him he needs to work on getting over it and, and focusing on it and emailing you. He needs to stop doing that. Now, he's not here and I can't tell him to stop doing that.

But whatever you did to him, you can't undo. And it sounds like you've probably owned up to what you did. It sounds like you have apologized. So at this point, him emailing you is just a form of harassment, right? I'm not, you know, it is. So block him, change your email address. Like he, like, again, I know you heard him, but at this point, it's just more toxic energy being passed back and forth between the two of you. I guess what I'm saying is you shouldn't feel cold or bad. No, it's like that you hurt him. It doesn't mean that you now have to be his punching bag, right? For him to let out his anger towards you

and you have to take these punches every other week or every month every time he feels like he needs to get things off his chest you know like life's not fair and i and again i suck it sucks for him but this doesn't do him any good it's not helping him get over you at this point that's what i would say to him i was just like what does it really make you feel better does it really help you keep doing it so clearly it's not doing anything positive you're just you know so i i mean this is it's honestly not different than what a lot of people have told me i think i just you know whether he emails me or not like there's the reality is is there was and i've tried to clear everything about our relationship out from my life especially when i moved out but you know the fact is our our brains go all over the place our mind goes all over the place and

there'll be something that reminds me of the mistakes i made and then i kind of get stuck in a cycle yeah and then i let that have you totally forgiving yourself yet no and i'm like very aware of that so that's fine it's what i part of the thing i work on in therapy but i think part of me then carries that over to this current i mean again it's not a relationship i guess but you know it's this current situation where this other person wants to move forward with me i've been totally honest with them that i'm you know i'm still processing a lot of guilt um and other things related to my last relationship in my life in general and you know i don't know like when is someone actually ready is that even

a thing um you know especially given my history as someone who continues to do you uh do you have any uh religious background growing up growing up yeah for sure and my parents are still very into that what was it uh my parents are muslim i'm pretty atheist but your parents are muslim my parents yeah i'm not as familiar with muslim but i am familiar with catholicism and catholic i know there's actually a lot of similarities between the two of religion i'm just saying like there's something ingrained to us in a bringing in a religious family that somehow like penance and suffering is like a way to purify ourselves of the things that we've done in the past and this idea that you have that you have to keep punishing yourself for the mistakes you've made

is like what's bringing you back into this kind of thing that you're doing to yourself and i'm here to tell you like you just stop doing that if you can it's like you've you're sorry right you you you know you've acknowledged you're not making excuses for your actions no amount of like you know crucifying yourself or whipping yourself and and punishing yourself and and indulging in more pain is going to change that it's not going to make you a better person um it's not going to change the past and so you need to stop doing that to yourself and you have to stop allowing other people to do that to you

even if it's the person you hurt, your ex-husband. And my guess is the resistance that you are allowing yourself to do this is because you're familiar with it. Like I get that. Like I used to do that. It's just like, well, this is how you do it.

This is how you get over it because if I punish myself enough, then I will have made up for the things I've done. And, you know, I don't know. I'm not God. So who knows? Who knows what he's saying when you when we all die. But short of that, as far as our time on earth, like it sounds like you've apologized and you've worked on it. And now you have to stop letting yourself and other people still punish you for mistakes you've made in the past because it sounds like you have a shot of a good thing here with this guy i don't know what's going to happen but you like him you want to see

where it goes you deserve to allow yourself to see where it goes all right no i agree with that i i think at the core of it somewhere i believe that i deserve happiness just like anyone else just like my ex does you know yeah you do you definitely do i just wouldn't want to i'm just not sure if i'm convinced that i've taken the time to one, I think probably continue to self flagellate, whatever. And to, you know, again,

like I have this situation where I've, I don't know if I've taken like more than a year to be by myself. And I'm wondering, yeah, that's something different when I meet someone. But well, you can do for, for a period of time, they can kind of when I meet someone. Well, you can do, for a period of time,

they can kind of be simultaneous, right? As someone who's been a serial monogamist, I don't know if that's, you know. Yeah, I don't know. It's like you meet someone and then you immediately be like, we got a date, right? So this is actually good for you. You can meet someone like them and then take it slow.

See where it goes, right? this is actually good for you. You can meet someone like them and then take it slow. See where it goes, right? Maybe even still be open to still meeting other people because you're not their girlfriend, right? So you don't have to worry about cheating on them. You're totally transparent. You're totally honest with them. And that way you build that honest and trust with, you know, with someone you're not even in a relationship with because you're just like, honest, and trust with, you know, with someone you're not even in a relationship with because you're just like, you know, there's a, there's a timeline on that because as you guys grow and, and get to connect, you're just like, all right, cool. Like I was patient, but like, I don't, I don't, I want to know if you want to be with me, but I don't think four months is,

everyone's different, but I don't think you can still do that within four months. And you just got to be open with them. And he just can he can decide for himself if he wants to to be in a relationship with you in this relationship by relationship i mean like this taking it slow relationship yeah i guess i just like i've always gone from zero to 100 right with everything and i'm trying not to do that this time by being extremely clear. And I think that's good. And I think to a certain extent, you feel like you have to prove this to yourself and maybe you do.

All right. Where normally you would take five or six months, but now you're going to take nine, you know, because you just want to know that you didn't rush into anything. And if he is worth your time, then there's not going to be much of a difference between six and nine months because you're still spending time together and ultimately he's the person you want to hang out with you just needed to know that you constantly were just like is this

what i really want you just took a lot more moments of pause before you rushed into it because in the past you're used to like not asking yourself any questions and not validating the relationship at all just deciding that they were going to be your boyfriend for no other reason than the initial spark yeah i think there i think there's definitely something to be said about that i also think there is naturally i think anyone that's been engaged before or married before you know some element of thinking at least whether or not it's, you know, again, wishful thinking, but we think we're going to be with someone forever, even though that's kind of a made up concept, but that you're only going to be with them for as long as it's healthy for you. But I think there is a fear, inherent fear that I have of, well,

I already failed that at once, so I don't have any more chances to fail at it again. Sure you do. There's plenty of people that think, listen, no one wants to be in their fourth marriage, but hey, fuck it, maybe it takes you four times. But also, we're just talking about a guy you might want to date. You don't have to get married to this guy anytime soon.

And if he wants to, you you know you're only 26 27 28 28 okay fine still really young you know you guys can date for three or four years before you consider engagement or not or in six months but like yeah there's no clock here that you have to this is the guy you know i agree i just like i think there's an interesting this not disconnect um i think we do a really good job of communicating but he just is coming from literally the opposite spectrum where he's kind of essentially been single for the last 10 years because he deliberately chose to not take it more serious with any other girls.

Cause he didn't see it going farther. And then now apparently like he wants to take this further with me and I'm the one pushing it back. That makes a lot of sense. He's finally found his first real challenge. Um, yeah, listen,

and that, and I don't mean to like put fear in your mind about why he... But this could be a good match. I have no illusions. I already have... Yeah, this could be a good match in that sense. So to that point, he's going to have no problem waiting a little bit longer. Take your time.

Don't feel like you have to... But that's not the real issue. For me, the real issue is you need to cut the X off. To me, if you do anything, you got to do that. And then, you know, whatever happens with this current guy, great. You know, maybe he's your guy, maybe he's not. If he's not, you'll find someone else. But you definitely need to like cut the ex off.

Like just change your email. Change your number. I just feel like you can do that with an ex-boyfriend, but you can't do that with an ex-husband. Yes, you can. Because they were your family, you know? They were. Emphasis on were.

Does it really, you know, I don't want to take anything away from your marriage, but like I had a girlfriend for seven years. Seven years. I got to know her family. I mean, she was, she's technically one of my siblings' godparents. It was like a whole thing. Yeah. But just like she has no contact with my family. You know, whatever.

It's semantic. You know, like they were like co-godparents for that. It was like a whole weird thing. But I'm just pointing out like we weren't married. And you know what i'm saying so because we weren't married does that mean that's why we don't talk or keep in touch i mean and had we been married would have and and then got divorced would that be more significant you know what i'm saying like we did for seven years i mean i don't to but like you were married and I and and you don't have to do this to to

prove to yourself that you still value what marriage means because I feel like that's what you're trying to do subconsciously I think what I'm doing subconsciously is actually trying to trying to convince him that I'm a good person. Yeah, that makes sense too. And that isn't going to matter whether you are or not. And he doesn't need to. In fact, for his own peace of mind, to put it this way, whether he thinks you're a good person or not,

you're not going to convince him. He's just going to decide on his own. He needs to get over this, which he hasn't yet. And then he needs to move on with his life. And when he does and he finds his better version of life, then he has a chance to get over it. And right now he's just hurt. And you can't prove to him what kind of person you are

because he's hurting right now. And he can't heal until you're out of his life i've tried not to i don't initiate anything i know but you allow him in you're yeah out of guilt a guilt is allowing you to guilt of what you know well he was my husband i owe him this and you know whether it sounds cold or feels cold it's time and it's do it for him if not for yourself he can't heal until he has no contact with you i think another i don't know if you have more time but i think another um kind of fork in this was last week his father passed away. So this was my ex-father-in-law. Obviously, you, I mean, if you were with someone for seven years, you know how close like your families can get. Right. So I it was a very disturbing kind of week for me to think about where you know this was separately this was someone i was very

close to that i immediately was cut off from when i decided to leave the marriage i never got to say goodbye to them i never got to say anything to them and then now that you know his whole family is grieving he is grieving i can't do anything besides send like a two-line email because i'm afraid of provoking someone or provoking yeah well and those and again that's that's the messy part about these things in a perfect world you'd be able to pay your condolences but there are exceptions because of the dynamic of this relationship it's still toxic and it's still painful for people and so like an email it's one of those like damn if you do damned if you don't you know he's going to call you insensitive because you emailed and that's all you like who knows and that sucks and i'm sorry but it that's still another thing that like

you uh there's nothing you can do about it he's still not yeah i mean there's nothing i could do about it anyway but it just feels it's again it it's that guilt that comes back. And it's like, well, if I hadn't decided to leave the relationship, then maybe he would have had, you know, a life partner to lean on at this time. like i lost my father i was a person i was hanging out with that like also the reaching out on that end almost made it worse like you know what i'm saying like you reaching out almost makes it worse because you you want she's not reaching out he's reaching out to her well she's saying that she's sending an email to him trying no i did yeah yeah i did send an email to him when his father died. Yes, last week. And I said, you know, it was a two line email, but I just wanted to make sure I just said like, and you saying him not having like a life partner next to him during this hard time. I know it's hard to like be that way.

But it also makes it worse because my person did reach out over and over and over again. And it made it 10 times worse because then when the situation was over i really had nobody and i just lost the most important person in my life instead of like if he had just stayed away it would have made it 10 times easier yeah and again like if if if you guys had been able to deal with the situation, because there's really been no progress in this year in terms of healing. And that's fine. That's okay.

Sometimes it takes longer, but that's not going to change if something else happens. It's okay that he hates you. He's going to need to hate you for a while before he can be feeling different towards you yeah you you don't he doesn't need to love you again he doesn't even need to what he thinks of you really is none of your business anymore all you want is to hope that he finds someone else and and heals and it sounds like you do and it will someday he'll be fine he just has to give

himself a chance and no contact with you is going to help with that and you really are doing him a favor even if he hates you more for it by cutting him off you got to set him free because he doesn't have the strength to set himself free. Yeah, I think that's what I've been doing over the last month or so. I think this dad thing really threw an unfortunate turn for things. But again, there's nothing I can do. And I just asked a few of his friends, like, hey, can you just keep an extra eye on him for me because i can't you know i'm not i can't be there for him and he does has for he does he does have friends you know and he'll get through it and a lot this is a lot coming from a place of guilt and i get it

but you just got to forgive yourself and you got to move on. And this relationship is over. And it doesn't matter that you were married or boyfriend and girlfriend. You know what I'm saying? Like you don't owe more because you were married. What you did was wrong. You've accepted that. You're trying to work through it. Like, you know, like at some point you just have to forgive yourself and move forward.

Yeah, no, I agree. I agree. I agree. I just feel like sometimes I, you know, anything that reminds me of him, it'll just send me back into that. And there's no way you can protect against him. Yeah, but you're getting, the thing is, you're getting constant reminders from him

that he's still not okay and it's your fault. Right. How can either of you heal when you're, you know? Yeah. I just, I, and I told him like,

I, you know, I didn't want to kind of get into a, a match about this. Like, here are all the things that you did wrong and here are all the things I did wrong. Yeah. You know,

there's, we've been over it so many times and and I feel like it's not productive for me to also be like, oh, you cheated, you cheated, this is what you did, this is what you did. That doesn't help me. When he emails you, do you respond? I used to. So I used to respond with paragraphs of apology. Sure.

And that, I think, enabled it a lot and then finally about a month ago I said like please like please don't send me emails like like this with where you know like these types of emails I didn't say do not contact me but I said please don't send me these types of emails again um because they aren't productive for either of us um i think you just disappear yeah he's you're not in his life anymore and that's fine and that's okay and it feels cold to him but like yeah you just you you're gonna you do it for him it's gonna feel like sounds cold but you're doing it for him it's it's only hurting him this thought that you're listening that the thought that he can like that's not helping him clearly but he thinks it is no i i

think he thinks like he's trying to i think he thinks i'm not sorry enough and i don't know how many ways to explain that i'm sorry he doesn't he needs to learn how you're how sorry you are is not going to heal him he needs to get closure from himself and move on and start thinking about his role in the relationship and what he could do to him for his future partner you know these are all things i'd say to him if you you know but like you're not in relationship with him anymore it's over yeah and now you're just continuing to hurt each other and not even a relationship and you just got to figure yourself and and you know the right thing is just to disappear and not no longer give him access to you so that he can

force himself to let go if no one's listening people stop talking the more you feel heard the louder you want to be so if he if there's no one else listening he'll stop and when it stops then he can start just moving on no i did i did notice that whenever i did push back like not in an antagonistic way but whenever i did kind of push back a little bit in terms of like, hey, I can't continue to accept this type of language anymore or show like any sort of transcendence of stuff, then he would take like seven more steps towards me. And then I would feel guilty about him being nice because,. Because, you know, so I just, I still remain very confused sometimes. He needs to be a distant, distant memory. Yeah. Someone that you hope from afar figures it out, but it's none of your business if they have, and it's not your concern.

No, it's true. And that's what happens. Like, if you look back at any of our exes that's probably what they all are to me now all the other ones and so this one will get to that point as well you know it just i think i give it 10 times more importance because it was a marriage um yeah but it was a marriage that failed you know like right you know and you can't make up for the the affection you didn't give and the care that you didn't give the marriage and you know that's that happened and maybe that's why it's failed and again

you've apologized you've you've felt guilty like enough's enough so all right. Thank you. You're going to be fine. Just cut him off. See what, you know. I really, you know, it's for him. For his sake, I hope that you disappear from his life. And only then will he be able to heal. Okay. So, and no matter what you did, he did stuff too. And no matter what you did, he did stuff too. Yeah, it's just hard to feel like what I did is not worse.

I mean, maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. It doesn't matter. You can only, you're all human, and you're clearly sorry. You clearly feel remorse. It's a great thing. You're being almost too hard on yourself. It's stopping you from, you deserve to live your life. He wasn't, you know.

And now you need to both just heal and move on. Okay. Thank you. All right. Take care. And good luck with the new guy thanks you deserve to be happy thank you alright

well thanks for listening wow that was fun don't forget to send your questions at asknigacastme.com cast with a K don't forget to tune in to Russell Dickinson to help us break down the bachelorette and Jody Rogers from Love on the spectrum on Wednesday. We appreciate you.

We love you. Thanks for sticking with us.