The Viall Files - E207 Ask Nick - Permission Granted With Chrishell Stause

Episode Date: December 7, 2020

On this weeks super sized episode of Ask Nick we are joined by friend of the show Chrishell Stause. We are so happy to have Crishell back to give a female perspective to some of our callers today, and we may try to pry into the developments into her personal life as well. Our first caller is a 27 year old virgin who is fine dating and “running the bases” but is waiting for the feeling of love before she has sex for the first time. Next we speak with someone who is feeling the guilt of moving on too soon in the fear she will hurt her exes feelings. Third , we chat with a woman who’s love language is gifting and her boyfriend is not understanding she needs him to show her he loves her sometimes because in the bedroom he is not reciprocating oral sex which is weighing heavily on their relationship. With our next question a woman is having a hard time losing her best friend who she had a one time sexual relationship with when her current boyfriend does not want her around their relationship. Our final caller grew up in a very emotionally abusive family and found herself dating the people she grew up surrounded by, but when she started dating a really good guy she found herself being the one toxic in the relationship.  “ What other people think of you is none of your business“ Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Amazon Music: http://www.amazon.com/VIALL for your first 3 months of Amazon Music Free. Article: http://www.article.com/VIALL for $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more.  Cratejoy: http://www.cratejoy.com/VIALL to get 30% off your first box and shop Cratejoy’s holiday specials.  Huzzah Probiotic Seltzer: http://www.drinkhuzzah.com use code VIALL for 20% off.  Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall Chrishell Stause @chrishell.stause See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

you're crazy what's going on everybody welcome to a very special episode of ask nick i'm your host nick joined by chrissy my producer who who's what's the temperature in Montana today ah it is a blistering 16 degrees wonderful yeah that's the windchill there it's awesome awesome well we are glad you are safe and warm and you I'm enjoying your scenic pictures I will say thank you beautiful landscapes beautiful landscape Went to a hot spring. It was beautiful. Well, it's not special because Chrissy is in Montana, even though that is special. It is special because our guest here for Ask Nick is one, Chris Schell.

Chris Schell Stacks. Hello. Thank you for having me. Ever since we had Chris Schell on the Vile Files for interview while dancing the stars many of our audience members asked me to ask you to come on

an Ask Nick episode so we have been planning this for some time this has been in the works for some some time in the works in the works

it's been on the books and I say that because I'm totally going to askrishell about her relationship status and i and i and i preface it because i preface it because chrishell is we always protect the things that we we care about the most and and uh chrishell this morning very charmingly reached out to me it was like hey i'm so i'm coming and I know we plan on doing this but I don't want to you know I just you know kind of made an announcement about my relationship and I don't want to seem like this has all

been a set up to talk about it so I just want to assure our audience members that it is not yeah I mean the timing of it I was like oh I'm uncomfortable i don't know what um you know i i just want to be careful what i say because obviously i'm excited and um everything but you know you don't want to you don't want to squash something no you want to protect your relationship i get that more than anyone yeah i i really do that being said look at his face. He's so mischievous. Such a troublemaker, this one. Such a troublemaker. Let's just give the people what they want.

No, I really, clearly, I think that's really charming that you are very happy. I personally love the gentleman that you are dating. I love that. You guys know each other. Very much so. I spent a lot of time with Keo on Dancing with the Stars.

He's just a lovable, likable guy. I mean, everyone likes him. He's the best. That's so great. May I ask, when did you guys become official? To each other, not us. Yeah, I mean, I think not, once we made it official, then we knew we wanted to go ahead and,

I think before anything is exclusive, you don't want to share it with anybody because you're trying to figure things out. But soon after we made it official, we went ahead and shared it so um yeah it's so blushing right now it's so cute may i ask who asked who to be their boyfriend or girlfriend i think it would be strange if i was the one that asked it um i think it's okay that i say that he um pursued that and i was you know i'm very oh god i'm so uncomfortable oh it's so cute i'm sorry it just you know it's like a thing i don't um yeah so it is like a thing. It is such a thing.

It's such a thing. That she is very clearly protective of this great thing. And therefore, I get it. Do you get nervous about other people's opinions? Less so about that. It's just, you know, I'm just so hopeful about, you know, I've always kind of been, you know you know i i'm just so hopeful about you know i i've always kind of been you know hopeless romantic so i just don't want any there are it's already hard enough as it is when you know something is all of a sudden there's promising and yeah exactly i just don't want to

add any pressure and make it um you know anymore i'm gonna stop myself yeah i just the pressure i you know i don't want to add any more to it than it is well no pressure nick gets it i get it he gets it the world is rooting for you i feel like the world has your back chris show it it i will say the response was so lovely um i didn't think it would you know but it did feel like that a little bit which was nice yes or no question okay when all the drama was going on publicly about your dancing partner were you two you and your now boyfriend were you guys starting the courtship at that time and then where would you find it to be like almost like you weren't ready to announce it but kind of like oh my god of course like the uh the irony behind nothing's going on behind door number two but little do you guys know

about door number three yeah but i mean like i said like unless something's exclusive you really don't and and now that we are it's nice to share because it's not because of something else that we shared it's we genuinely are you know I feel like I'm saying too much are you I don't know but but yeah of course that was a stress that was so stressful at the time and um you know i feel like you can only say so much we both said it's definitely not true and i i i kind of knew in the back of my head like time will prove this to be true i just have to you know know that and and you know so it's nice now to kind of feel like the truth has kind of come out and um i think it's incredibly charming how much you are like indulging us to answer these questions but very protective of this of this relationship that you that you like

it seems very obvious it's very charming i'm very happy thank you thank you on that note chrishell and i are going to answer these questions and because chrishell and i have had good relationships and bad relationships we are going to use our expertise and our experiences to help solve these problems of our callers coming up and we really appreciate Chrishell taking the time and answering our questions

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CreateJoy, get joy delivered right to your door. Question time with me. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. how's it going good how are you good what's your name my name is laura i'm 27 and i'm from chicago awesome didn't even need your location but welcome okay amazing i love chic Chicago. How can we help, Laura? Okay. So my question is, how important is sex at the beginning of a relationship? And a little background to my situation is, obviously, I'm 27, and I am still a virgin. And obviously, I am active in dating. I date a lot of guys, go out with a bunch of different people. And I always have a hard time, I guess you could say, finishing, sealing the deal. I'll date someone for three months, but it never turns into a relationship. And I'm sure there's plenty of reasons why that

might happen, but it just seems to always fizzle out for some unknown reason because people seem super interested at first, like really interested. They're crazy about me. They are super excited. They say, oh, you're such a great person. I've never met somebody like you. And every time it ends the same way. And I'm talking like I've probably dated 30 guys over the last five or six years. And every single time it ends. And I'm'm like is it because i'm not having sex with them you know is that part of the reason i can't wait to hear what you're gonna say to this i cannot wait how many uh are when you're these 30 guys you've dated right and you're saying it goes

it can vary i'm guessing from one date to a few months. Yeah. And are you saying that in all 30 cases that you were interested in getting to know these guys more and in all 30 cases, they're the one to end it? Or was it a mixed bag? I'm usually hesitant at first. It usually takes me some time. But they show so much interest that I kind of, Oh, like, let me, you know, pursue this. Let me see. It goes to maybe a month, two months.

And then it always ends somehow. Like, I mean, sometimes I end things too, but a lot of times it seems like they start pulling away. They start kind of backing off. They start dating other people, but I'm really consistent. Like I'm not any different on date one than I am on date five. Can I ask a quick question? Is it, I just want to know what your personal belief is, why you're waiting? Is it a religious thing? Thank you. I was going to ask that. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So that's a great question. And this is why I just don't understand. So I'm just waiting to fall in love with somebody, be falling in love with somebody. Like I'm not waiting for marriage. I'm talking like maybe I'd like to be like four or six months into something.

And you know, it's just, it's never gotten that far. And I do tell people very early on, like, soon as like bedroom talk comes up, like I disclose it like, Hey, just so you know, like, I'm not somebody who's wanting to have sex right away. I eventually would like to, but, and I mean, I've even hooked up. I mean, I've hooked up with people many times. We just haven't had sex. So you're hitting the bases. You just haven't gone home yet. Yes, exactly. And so, and most people are super accepting of it. I mean, most guys are like, wow, I really respect that. You don't hear a lot of that. Like, that's fantastic. Like, good for you. But then here comes like, you you know three or four weeks into it and they're

you know being a little bit more pushy and a little bit more oh i like that would be really fun like we should we should and i'm like i'm i'm really like i do want to wait i always wonder if guys think i'm going to crack and just do it but i never do you know so huh oh my god i'm sorry i stumped you i know no no no you did i'm just i know it's a very unique situation here's the thing that's not i don't think it's that unique i mean i guess being a virgin in your mid to late 20s isn't as common anymore but i don't think it's that rare right okay good right you know it's not it's i'm not like neither christian are like no way you know like we've heard it before like it's happened it's been on the bachelor right it's been talked about but it is unique nowadays i mean i i can't say what's going on in all these situations but if

you like i'm sure you've've listened to this podcast before, regardless of you being a virgin or not, if you think that the majority of the guy, like if you're going in, if guys are ending it more than you're ending it in general, I think then there's definitely something you're doing. I don't know what that is. And what do I mean by that is like,

there's just, there's just no way 30 guys are that great. You know what I'm saying? Like just people in general aren't that great. And not great for you, right? So like, there's just no way you could be going on this many dates and have the majority of them being people you're just like, I'm super down. Like I'm super interested. And so I think it's common if people feel rejection from time to time to you know get insecure and getting your head i mean i know i do and and then again you've heard me talk about this a lot where it's just like you have probably have started in your head not qualifying these guys as much as you should because you're just trying to see if they can get to the point where it's weird because you want to fall in love is kind of this barometer to have sex and which by definition it sounds like

you really want to make sure you like a guy and i have no doubt that you are like that but for some reason you still seem to be willing to give all these guys maybe more of a chance than you otherwise would because you know what I'm saying like for someone like yourself who's steadfast and wanting to find a love find love before you have sex how come you're not ending these relationships sooner sooner does that make sense like to the point where you're just like well I don't know if I'd want to have sex with you regardless like why are you waiting for them to love you? Well, I mean, I'm definitely, I definitely am there.

Like I've never felt like, felt super strong towards somebody ever. So like, that's another fear. Like, oh my gosh, like, why is this, you know? But at the same time, you know, I want to go two months before I can judge, like judge somebody. Like I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, which I give way too much. I mean, I know that. I will give people chances, but I just think if they'll stick around long enough, maybe we could see if that emotional connection's there. But I'm wondering, can you

fall in love without having sex? I mean, I know it's happened before, but how uncommon is that? Because everybody that I know that's in relationships, like all my friends, they all had sex on like the third date, the fourth date. Like maybe it even started with a hookup. Have you been in love before? No, I have not. What does love mean to you? I mean, I don't know. It's a loaded question.

But no, I've never said I loved you to anybody. And I've never felt it. Like I've never been with someone I was like, okay, I could see them. Have you ever felt, ever, in any situation, whether it's a friend or a date, where you just felt, whether you said it or not, you're just like, I fucking love this person. Yeah, yeah, of course. I don't have issues loving people.

I've never met a guy that like, obviously I'm picky. Like I've never met a guy that meets my standards, but I'm willing to give it a few months. Like I know you're not going to know off one date or two dates, but it's just, okay. So I'm pretty self-aware. I try to check out myself and see like, what am I doing? And sometimes I can see why a guy might be not interested at some point, but everyone's always like, why are you single? How are you still single? Blah, blah, blah. And I'm like'm like i don't know i go with a lot of guys that guys show so much interest at first like a lot and that's why it's so confusing is and i'm not trying to be cocky or anything but i'll get asked out a lot and then i just they they end up just being so uninterested after like two

months and i just dawned on me because a guy I dated for a couple years told me once that the reason why we never got to love or whatever was because I didn't sleep with him. And I mean, I was obviously offended by that, but it really got me thinking like, is that my problem? Is that why guys can't emotionally connect to me is because I'm not sleeping with them? It's definitely not your problem. And yes, I mean, what love means to anyone can vary, but sure, people can fall in love with someone they haven't had sex with, of course, right? And it all depends on what your version of love is. But there are some people, men and women,

who a physical connection in sex plays a big role in how they feel connected to someone. Yeah, I mean, I think that's pretty common. But certainly not required you know and you're it's it's interesting with you because again i believe that you're picky but at the same time there's something about what you're doing is allowing you to go on all these dates and and rejected by all these guys. And there's just like what, like I said, there's just no way you're into all these people who are rejecting you. It's just not possible. Like, I don't think you're cocky. And I think every person, I don't care what you look

like or what your job is or how much money you make. If you were to date enough of people, some people would like them and some people, it's like 50-50. Not everyone everyone would be like oh that's a hot person but like give them a couple weeks and they'll annoy the shit out of you you know what i'm saying but like they're not for everybody change their mind like well that's what i'm saying but why aren't you changing your mind faster is my question like you know what i'm saying like why aren't you like going on a few dates with someone and going yeah not my guy and that's okay. Can I have a question for you? Yes. Is it possible that you're using this as a defense mechanism and maybe you're changing what your, your energy of what you're giving out to them? If you start to feel like you might be

putting yourself in a vulnerable position, that may not be the case. I'm just asking. I mean, it's a good question. I mean, I'm pretty open about talking about sexual things. Like, I mean, this is obviously I get offended by this too, but I get called a tease a lot. Like I'm sexual, but yet I'm a virgin. So people get confused because I'll be willing to talk about different things. And I think they get excited, you know, maybe it's over Snapchat or texting like, oh, I I want to do this with this person and then it's like I'll kind of pump the brakes on it like well not yet and then I think that's when I start to notice that they show like oh like I'm not wasting my time anymore

that's at least the vibe I'm getting but I also might be doing something different so I mean sure like I definitely get a little defensive about the subject. Like I'm not going to sleep with somebody, but I don't know. It's hard to say. Can I ask you a question? Yeah. It's rhetorical, but you asked me if someone can fall in love without having sex. I'm curious, what's your answer to that question?

Like, what's your personal belief? I mean, I think I could get there, but I know sometimes maybe guys feel a different way. So then my follow-up question to that is, and there's no right or wrong answers, this isn't a religious belief or whatever. Why have you decided to only have sex with someone that you are in love with? Okay.

So, and this is the thing is that, I mean, I kind of wish I wasn't like a virgin at this age. Like I, I really am curious about it. Like it's, it's not that, but the first guy I ever dated, we dated on and off for about like three or four years. And it started as like a friends with benefits. It was the first guy I ever hooked up with. He was a bit older than me.

I really liked him and he I just like I wasn't old enough to like go to bars with him or whatever and so that's why we didn't date and so he ended up finding a different girl and then I was like devastated I was so upset and I was for like 19 years old and I was like okay I this is so upsetting thank god I didn't sleep with this guy. I'm going to wait till they are falling in love with me, like me, whatever, to sleep with somebody. And then here I am, like, 27, and it never happened. But here's the other thing, too, is that I know so many girls that sleep with guys, especially off apps, and they get ghosted. I get ghosted all the time.

And I'm like, thank God I didn't sleep with this guy. So I want someone who like actually likes me to sleep with. And even if we break up in eight months, I don't, that's okay. I just want to know that the first person I slept with respects me, cares about me. You know, haven't tried Amazon music before. Well, what are you waiting for? For a limited time, you can get your first three months of Amazon music unlimited for free. That's access to over 70 million songs on demand and ad free.

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That's article.com slash V-I-A-L-L to get $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. Yeah, I mean, that sounds nice. I get it. I think that's a real honest story you just told and I think that's a real honest story you just told. And I think that plays a kind of a big significant role and kind of what Chris Shell was referring to

is like, are you projecting or is there something else going on? I get that feeling. And I'm not here to tell you to not value sex or intimacy as much as you do. But I kind of... I guess what I'm saying is it's like... If it wasn't the first, it would be different. Why does that matter? Let's say I was done, like, if it wasn't the first person. Laura, I lost my virginity to a girl who was from Montana, which is great, but like on a hill being bitten by mosquitoes when I was 17 years old, that lasted for about 15 seconds. And not because I finished,

but because I was so goddamn scared and it was just weird and awkward. And there was nothing special about it other than it was my first. And quite frankly, most people have a similar story to their first, which is in no way special or romantic. If it went, if it got awkward or something like i expect that's possibly gonna happen it's just a respect thing and it's hard because i feel like guys sexualize

me a lot like i have a large chest blah blah blah like it's almost like a like i feel like i will bump into guys that act like they like me but really they're just like oh i've never dated a girl with that size chest before like oh, oh, I'm curious about this. And I'm like, that was so rude. I thought they liked me and they didn't. And so I'm just like petrified that I'm going to sleep with some dude that's just, you know, a notch on their belt. And then they ghost me. I get it.

Listen, the world and dating is tough. But I'm trying to think of one of my great analogies here and it's not coming to me. However, however, but like live your life. And I think it matters more that you respect yourself, right? More than anything else, because you can't guarantee who is going to respect you. Coworkers, friends, boys you date. And what you're doing and what it sounds like is like stopping yourself from like living your life out of fear that like someone might not treat you the way you hope to be treated right and that's just that i can what i can guarantee you no matter what's going to happen is that like from time to time throughout your life as long as

you live it you're going to open yourself up to feeling disrespected wrong wronged, like, and people who love you and say they love you and you trust can hurt you the most. And in fact, that's the people who often hurt you the most is the people you love the most, right? And so like, you're here talking to two people who have been in relationships, who have had sex, who have been wronged by people we, in that moment, have felt like we love the most, right? There's no guarantee that's going to happen and what you seem to be doing is trying to avoid that possibility because you want everything to be special. And I'm not telling you to have sex. I'm just telling you what you're doing is you're avoiding life a little bit and you are protecting yourself for something or trying to, right? For something that's just impossible to do. Like no matter what, you can't guarantee anything is going

to be special or whatever. And I'm not telling you to go around and start just having a bunch of sex, but I just think you are, I think you're, you're, you have all these kind of measurables and these lists. And I think you've created in your head an idea that you might never find. Because I mean, I definitely have high expectations for the, for the moment. Yeah. I mean, I obviously get, in your head an idea that you might never find because yeah i mean it's like a moving target

expectations for the for the moment yeah i mean i obviously i get it's not a movie like it's not going to be that way but i just want someone that's going to like stick around for a few months and just show some consistency because guys are really inconsistent maybe at least in the 20s age like it's one way and then they're consistent in their 30s and 40s and 50s it's just like oh my god they're all over the place and i know it's gonna happen but i just would hate to like lose my virginity and then like i don't hear from him like ever again it's possible i'm just trying to get to a few months but i just can't it just no matter what i do and laura what would hurt more you date a guy for a couple of weeks.

Okay. And you're just like, ah, pretty good. I like him. No, I don't know if I love him, but I really like him.

And also I'm super turned on by him. Fuck it. Let's have some sex. You have some sex. It's pretty good. You date for three more months. You're like, I love you. And he's like,

I love you too. And then five more months go by. He's just like, I don't love you anymore. I'm, I met someone else. he cheated on you uh yeah okay yeah i guess i mean these are all variables it happens to everyone right and i'm just saying that like you can't avoid life you can't you can't it's like you know i know i know i know it's like i wish i would have just you know done it the first time like when i was 23 i wouldn't you know be so nervous about it that's what i'm saying so

it's like if if you can say that that just means you're acknowledging that you're making your virginity a bigger deal than even maybe you think it you should yeah and that's fine there's nothing wrong with that but i I'm just saying, you're just kind of, it's the idea of something that you're kind of glorifying and putting on a pedestal. Like what I'm saying is it doesn't change you who you are as a person. It doesn't change you who are at your core. Had you had sex at 19 or 20 or 21 or 22, and it was a guy who like eventually got arrested or is an asshole. I don't it doesn't yeah you know what i'm saying it doesn't it doesn't define you as a person we've all hooked up and dated some uh some uh trolls some some like you know people were just like staying on my resume you know we

all have some stains yeah i just wanted to be the first i just wanted to be the first to be like some big jerk. Well, I mean, everyone listening right now is like, well, girl, yeah, that would have been nice. But you know what? Didn't change anything. You know, right? Yeah. No, it's so true. And, you know, anytime you're going to be vulnerable to fall in love, you're going to get hurt. I mean, that's, it's one of those ridiculous things that we get over a heartbreak, but then we jump right back in because, you know, there's a reason.

Yeah. So I feel like, you know, I get it. It's, it's heartbreak is the worst feeling you can feel, but love is the best feeling you can feel. So I would just say, I hope you, you know, allow yourself to be vulnerable and open that up and i'm not attaching that to sex or not just in general you know yeah it's not who you are stop making it who you are okay okay yeah you have created it as an identity to yourself oh that's good nick you know and i don't yeah i could see that for sure so i think in your case you probably should stop talking about it because you've made it such a identity for yourself and there's so much more than you to you but i do have to i feel like i have to disclose it before we do anything though because you can't just like go into a hookup and be like oh wait by the way yeah

you can like people get weird about it then they start like begging and like please i'm like i mean you shut it down i want you to know that like we're gonna get close but it's not gonna happen because i just don't want to put myself in a situation where someone's like aggressive and like, Oh, I thought this is what we were doing. Yeah. Well, that's good. Keep yourself. Yeah. But you'd also have to, you don't have to say you're a virgin to say like, Hey, just, just, you know. Okay. That's a great point. I was thinking about just saying, Hey,

I just want to wait a little while instead of being like, Oh, I'm a virgin. Like, I just like to wait, you know, a little bit of time to continue each other better. I think that's a better approach because it will like not scare people off. Also, and again, I don't think if you want to tell people you're a virgin, that's fine. I'm just saying you don't have to.

It's not an obligation you have to meet. You can say, hey, we're only going to second base. We're only going to first base. Guys understand bases. Okay, understood. They're simple. But like, you can be like hey no sex tonight and that's and then that's great for upfront expectations and just you know and if a guy

starts getting whiny just shut it down yeah i mean that happens a lot unfortunately but i just if you can try to make it less of your identity okay i think that's a good i think that's a and then also final thoughts consider the possibility of your first not being special. Yeah. I mean, I think that's more of reality than anything. I mean, what I don't want you to do, right. Is take, take all this time, waste some experience and then do it and then have it end up not be special anyways, because it's probably not going to be. It's just like, you know, if it is, congratulations, write a book,

tell the world how you did it because, like, everyone wants it to be special and it almost never is. So just know that and take it easy on yourself and then go out and live your life. Okay, I'll do that. All right. Best of luck. Yes, good luck. You are the cutest. Okay, I'll do that. All right. Best of luck. Yes, good luck.

You are the cutest. You're going to be great. Thank you. All right, take care. Bye. Bye-bye. How's it going? Good.

What's up? I'm Carly. I'm 23. How can we help, Carly? So, recently, I got out of my first serious relationship it lasted a little over a year and it wasn't abusive or anything but it was extremely toxic to me and I knew that I needed to get out of it for the last like four or five months of the relationship but I stayed in it because I was so like dreading hurting my now ex.

And a couple weeks ago, I finally hit my breaking point of like, this is it. I need to get out. I'm done. And so I broke up with him and it was immediately a relief. Like I had like a few hours of a grieving period. And then I just like woke up the next day and I felt completely renewed and refreshed and like a huge weight had been lifted. So my dilemma is I feel completely ready to like, get back out there and mingle and not necessarily like get into a new relationship. But definitely like to have some single fun and, you know, as much as that's

possible in the pandemic. And I'm hesitant because I don't want it to ever like get back to him because I don't, again, I don't want to hurt him. So I'm torn between choosing his feelings over my own, like I did for the last year or doing what I think is best for me. Okay. So just to summarize, you're no longer dating this person, but because you're a kind person and even though you don't want to be with him and you know you hurt his feelings, you're worried about now because you're single and dating and finding someone else new, getting it back to him and then further hurting his feelings. Yeah, exactly.

Okay. Well, the good thing is with COVID and everything going on, I mean, it's very easy to, you know, as long as you're not posting what your life is and doing, it's not like you're going to be showing up at the same bars. They're all closed you know what I mean um yeah so I feel like if you're having conversations with people I I wonder how you're worried about him getting back to him unless you're going to be posting about something my biggest worry is like getting back on the dating apps and then running into one

of his friends or one of his friends seeing me and then like taking it back to him gotcha i think that you should not give a shit and i i don't like i think it's great that you seem like a really kind and empathetic person and i think that's a very charming thing for you to care about him even though you don't want to be with him and i think it's great that you pointed out that even though it wasn't abusive or anything, people can be in toxic relationships for themselves. That doesn't mean the person you're dating is toxic. The relationship was toxic, whatever, how you communicate. And I think that's great to point out. But he's your ex.

And he'll have to go through his own process of healing and moving on that, you know, quite frankly, you're no longer responsible for. Yeah. You know, you weren't married. You, you, even if you were married, like you're, you, you don't owe him anything. You're not a prisoner to the relationship. You're, you know, there's not like some like thing that you owe him that would make you a bad person if you don't live up to that end of the bargain and that might feel or sound cold but sometimes we have a way of sometimes making our feet is shaming our exes for moving on faster than we move on it's not like life isn't fair

relationships aren't fair and how we move on and grieve isn't fair and certainly in a perfect world it'd be great if we all moved on at the same time and we started dating and it was all clean but that's just not how it is and sometimes we do that like i and i trust me i know how you feel i've been i've been in that situation i've been your ex-boyfriend too of like feeling mad that she moved on and then i've broken up with people and then like i really want to date but like I just don't want her to find out and I don't want to get that call because there were still like there was still a relationship there that made that person feel justified to call me out or call me up and let how could you do this and blah blah blah you never loved me you know shit

like that where they just kind of shame you and if if he does that, he was wrong, right? If he shames you for moving on with your life, even if he's hurt, it's wrong for him to do. Like just because people have hurt feelings doesn't give them clearance and a justification to shame someone else. If he's more, you know, obviously it sounds like he didn't want to end it and you did.

So it's going to sting for him. Like that's going to sting just like Nick said. I feel like, you know, I've been on both sides of that where in one case you're, you know, you're doing the breaking up and the other case you're being broken up with. So it's going to sting for the other person that didn't want to end things. But if anything, it will help give the validation that you guys weren't a match. It wasn't meant to be, you know, and it will sting. But it will also be, you know, a worst case scenario.

It also helps that person see, again, it's been me on both ends of it to see that, yeah, this is the sign they need. You know, clearly you weren't as invested as he was, and this wasn't meant to be. And the truth is, it's going to help him move on. Right. Also, you need to be okay with the fact, or you need to be okay with the possibility

that at least in the short term, he might feel feelings of hatred towards you, and that's okay. You can't prevent that. That's his side. I know that sounds, and he won't. He'll get over that. That's his side. I know that sounds, and he won't, he'll get over it. Trust me. Like once he's over it. I'm such a people pleaser.

Yeah, that's okay. And that's a good for you to recognize that. But you, we have to be okay with our exes feeling hate. And the good news is, I'm sure you've heard this before, that hate isn't the opposite of love. It's indifference. And the fact that he hates you, or that he might say this to himself or say it to you or say it to his friends means that he still loves you. And that's okay because he cares about you. Right. But you have to let him go. And by in Chrishell's point, but going on the dating apps, it might just give him the nudge he needs to, to accept it because breaking up and getting over breakups is all about acceptance, accepting that it's over, accepting that it's time to move on, to let go. He hasn't accepted it yet, right? And subconsciously

or directly or indirectly, you've given these little reasons not to fully accept it because maybe he senses this reluctance for you to fully move on. And your coldness, if you will, by just doing what you use best for you and no longer worrying about a relationship you're not in anymore is going to allow him to accept the reality of the situation. And in the short term, he might feel things of hate, but he will get over it. Eventually, when he gets closer to that indifference, because when he accepts it, then he'll get back out there and eventually meet someone that he'll like, and he'll just be like, you know what? That wasn't right right she did the best for me you know i just he just doesn't see it now yeah so you gotta think long term i think part of

what i'm worried about too is we have so many mutual friends and if they like see me on the apps or if they find out they're gonna be really mad at me and i don't want that either who's his friends will be mad at you? Yeah. What friends are these? Your friends? His friends? Mutual? Well, friends.

Whose friends were they first? They were his friends first. Okay, so you just have to let that go, right? Sometimes when we date people, we meet their friends, we all become friends and then we break up and sometimes those friendships stay and sometimes those friendships slowly fade away.

Yes, you recognize that you're a people pleaser. You're going to have to accept the fact that like you need to be happy and his friends, if they want to hate you and have their boys back, you know what? Just be – they're being his friend and recognize that, but it's not about you. They're just trying to be a good friend to him. Yeah.

Right? So they don't really hate you either. They're just trying to be a good friend to him yeah right so they don't really hate you either they're just trying to have their guys their friends back yeah and you just have to accept the fact that your next boyfriend is going to have friends too and and then you'll become friends with them and like you just won't have time for all these friends right you don't get to collect all these friends that you meet from the guys that you date some come and go right you only have so much inventory of friendships to go around. And my guess is the next guy you meet, he'll have his friends too. You'll have a new group of friends

and people you hang out with. And maybe one or two friends that you met in a relationship through your friend, they might last, but a lot of them will just fade away. It happens in life. How soon do you think, do you think it's too soon since the relationship was just a couple weeks ago or do you think whenever i'm ready you can do whatever you want it could be the next day yeah you're not cheating it's you know like i said it's always going to sting for somebody if they're a little more emotionally attached still but that's you know unfortunately that's that's the reality of relationships, you know? Yeah.

You're not in it anymore. Yeah. Do you think he'll question the relationship, like if I meant the relationship? I'm going to tell you something that I read in a book once that really helped me out, and I try to remind myself of it every day, and I'm not always good at listening to it, but it's true, and that is what other people think of you is none of your business. And you really struggle with that clearly

because all your questions are on like, if I do this, what will they think? If I do that, what would they think? And like, it's just like, listen, you seem like a good, well-intentioned person, right? You didn't cheat on them, whatever. And like, I don't know what they're gonna think. It's none of your business, right?

You're not doing anything wrong. You have the right to like move on, right? You clearly stayed in this relationship a little bit longer than you thought and which is good, right? Because now you have no regrets. You have no regrets about this relationship. You clearly felt like it was not working long before you ended it. You finally got the courage to end it. Now you did and now you're so fucking ready to move on and now you're just worried about what like his friends might think about you and you know what they'll get over it i promise you it's not too soon if you want to go out and get laid tomorrow night go for it you have my blessing they're probably not going to find out and if they do so what they can call you whatever they want but like they'll will they will get over it don't be a prisoner to a relationship that you no longer want to be in.

You know? Yeah, that makes sense. I just hate the idea of anyone having ill will towards me. That is a you problem that you should work on, regardless of you being in a relationship. Because that's going to hurt you in the future. No, seriously. That could be a big problem.

If you're so obsessed with making sure everyone's happy, you will never be happy. It will affect your next relationship. It will affect your friendships. It will affect how people treat you because people will sense the fact that you're never like, you have to be able to do that from time to time. Yeah, that makes sense. If any of them reach out to you about how could you or anything ridiculous, just send them this clip of you on the show where we're literally giving you the all systems go. So there you go. Okay, that helps.

Because I didn't know how to react. I'm curious, what about your friends? Some of my friends are like so on board with me moving on, so on board with me, like you said, going out and getting laid tomorrow. And some of them are like, you need to take time to heal. It was really hard for you. The relationship was so bad. Did you ask them if you needed time to heal?

No, they just came out and said it. What the fuck do they know? You know what? The truth is, I don't know what you said, but it sounds like you're like, to be honest, I've already taken that time. I was in the relationship and I had moved on. Like, no one, people have all these ideas of how, what you're supposed to do or what sounds good or you're not supposed to hurt people's feelings.

Like, everyone's going to have an opinion. And that's why you should stop listening to all their opinions because everyone has their own. They're all projecting, you know, and I'd be willing to bet without, without knowing for sure that all the girlfriends that want you to take time to heal is because they wanted some guy to take more time before they got over them, you know, and they just, they're all projecting. Everyone's projecting their own bullshit. It's so true. So you're a good person. You've done your part. You cared about him.

If he needed you to, for something tragic, you would be there for him, I have no doubt. But he doesn't need you. He's going to be fine. He has friends. He has people he's going to rely on. And it is okay if in the short term he hates you because all he needs to do is finally accept it. And he might need to hate you to accept it.

So in the future, he can simply just be indifferent. Yeah. And then he won't hate you anymore because he'll be in another relationship. Yeah. I think what I really needed was just the permission because I wanted to move on so bad and I wanted to get out there. So I really needed the reassurance permission because I wanted to move on so bad and I wanted to get out

there. So I really needed the reassurance that it was okay. Yeah, I'm glad you call it. This is a very common thing. Like I said, I've been on both sides. Rochelle's been on both sides. It's something I think probably everyone listening, if you've dated actively or had boyfriend and serious relationships in your early 20s and mid 20s and that didn't work out, you've dated actively or had boyfriend and serious relationships in your, you know, early twenties and mid twenties, and that didn't work out, you've, you've dealt with this because you did care about him, right?

You want him to, you, you're, you know, you're not ending it because he, he's a bad guy. You wish him, you want him to be happy and that's a great thing,

but it's up to him to find his own happiness. Permission granted. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. That does feel good to hear. I think I took his happiness on myself for so long that now I get to just let it go. If anything, I would overcompensate.

I'd go out there. I'd be as aggressive as you want. I'd go on multiple dating apps. No, you got to get over the guilt. You got to get over that. You really do. Go have some fun, Carly. Okay, I will. And your friends who offer their unsolicited advice, but how long you're supposed to grieve, tell them to stop giving that advice. Okay. Yeah. All right. Sounds good.

Can't wait. Have fun. Go out there. I will. Have a ball. You deserve it. I will. All right. Take care. wait you know have fun go out there i will have a ball you deserve it i will all right thank you yep okay how's it going hi how are you good what's your name um my name is lauren i'm 28 years old and i have a question about my um relationship with my boyfriend so we've been dating almost two years. And basically, I am not good at communication. I'm trying to be better. But my question is kind of twofold. Number one, he's not really the overly romantic type. Like he never buys me flowers or like chocolates or like anything like simple or romantic, like for valentine's day like he didn't even give me anything um which i know it's like an overhyped holiday but

still it's like the one time in a year where you can like buy a box of chocolates and it's like it's all fine um so i've been like getting like really moody and irritated and kind of annoyed and mad at him because and I even had this conversation with him I don't always feel loved or like cared for that he's like thinking about me and I just want to preface this with like we're very serious I love him he loves me I think we're gonna spend the rest of our lives together but I don't want to constantly keep like getting mad at him for little things that he's not doing. And the second part of that is, like, when we have sex, like he's only gone down on me twice in two years. And I never

questioned it. And then about a month ago, I was like, you know, I just kind of made a snarky comment about our sex life. And he like got really sad and was like well I've got to tell you that the reason I don't go down on you or like girls is because it makes me nauseous and like my instant reaction was like oh like kind of bummed out because like I love oral sex and like it's a huge deal for me and like if we're gonna be together forever like I just think we need to like spice things up and keep it different so i know that men like direct communication and just like being honest and all that and i'm totally fine with that but it's like how do i how do i not just keep telling him hey can you buy me flowers hey can you do this because he really does so much for me but it's like why do i get so annoyed at the little

things and like when you say he does so much can you give us some examples yeah like he's very generous with um like his money and his time like just with everybody in his life he'll give them you know he'll help them out with whatever he whatever you need um he's always buying people dinner and um like he's just very generous in that way okay and it sounds like you recognize that as a nice quality has yeah i love i love that i'm curious does it make you feel loved um i don't know if that's really my love language yeah maybe that's what it comes down to is like giving is my love language like gift giving like whatever any kind of giving and like but i even told him like i don't always feel loved like from my parents like from god like that's kind of a me issue um but i even told him

like it's the little things that you could do that make me feel loved and i don't want to keep like getting so mad at him when well like isn't it normal for guys to like buy their girlfriends flowers or chocolates or like anything cheesy like that when he didn't give just go over when he didn't give you anything for valentine's day did you bring it up was it a topic of discussion I did so the funny story is um I was I was on tour during valentine's day so we went we like kind of celebrated a few days before and he brought me to cracker barrel and like that's all he did and so i literally told him i texted him when i got home and i was like hey could we like maybe go on an

actual date and so then he actually did take me he we went to ruth's chris and he took me to an orchestra concert so like he went above and beyond after i told him but like i don't think it comes natural for him okay well coming natural shouldn't necessarily matter right like i mean it's great when it comes naturally but if you love the guy you want to make it work all you can do is communicate and then you know and then hope that he takes that note right right yeah you know you can't want him to walk through the dishes all the time but if he's willing to do the damn dishes let's just be happy i have to like keep telling him yeah well that's a there's a difference right so if like you say like the valentine's day is a gamble like

i'm not a like giving getting gifts and giving gifts is not my love language. So like I, I, I'm not the best at that. Right. But if I'm dating someone, they're like, listen, babe, I really like this. This makes me happy. Then it's like, okay, well that makes you happy. I got to then recognize that and then make sure the next time that day or days like that comes up where i have an opportunity to like let my partner know that i heard them and and what they say matters to me that i'm gonna step up and i'm gonna be like wow

i'm gonna totally do this because that's what makes her happy even if i wouldn't think of it naturally so he doesn't have to come naturally he doesn doesn't have to be excited about Valentine's Day, but he does have to be excited or should be excited about the possibility of making you happy. And that should come naturally to him, whatever that is. Because her issues are a little more than him wanting to do the dishes. Well, that's step one. The major problem, Chrishell,

I would love to hear your take on this before I dive in. Have you guys talked more in depth about this, that he's saying it makes him nauseous? No, I kind of took a while to process it. And that was maybe like a month and a half ago. And we like have not revisited that at all. It's just like, I don't know, it's awkward for me and I think it's awkward for him. So we just avoided it, which probably isn't good. I mean, I do want to like ask him more because either like I want to see if like he's more open to it or like I don't know if he's lying about it or like, I don't know if it really does make him sick. Like I just have no idea. How long have you guys been together? Almost two years.

And you just started speaking about this a month and a half ago. Yeah. Interesting. Okay. So yeah, communication, not a super great strength of you guys. Right.

We're working on it okay it's yeah i mean well i just i feel like you know this is something that normally would come up in the beginning of a relationship that you know you guys this has now gone on for so long i worry that you know now that you know you kind of do treat people how to treat you i feel like now he's gotten comfortable and now it's not seemed like an issue and you guys have seemingly moved past it which isn't the case so you have to i mean if this is something that's really important to you you have to talk to him about this and openly communicate with each other because this is another reason why you're getting mad at him at little things it's not just because he didn't you know give you gifts you're not feeling like

he's reciprocating all the things that you're reciprocating and that's gonna build resentment right yeah exactly is there a a list that you have a variety of things that he doesn't do that you would want him to do on a regular basis? Whether it's chocolates or being serviced? There's not like a specific list, but I have things like, you know, in my head. And I've even told him instead of like buying me a nice dinner and spending so much money, you could be way more simple and just give me a tiny thoughtful gift. And what does he say when you say this to him? Is he resistant? Is he making up excuses?

No, he's very accepting of it. I just don't know. I don't know. I feel like I don't know if he can change. Okay. feel like i don't know if he can change okay you said in your note that you don't want these small things to get in the way of your otherwise great relationship why do you think they're small things um well i think i say small things because like i hate dating and like i'm just not interested in like most people so like the fact that i found this guy and like we both love each other like i don't think i mean i think he's

the one and so um based on there's but are you guys are you guys are you guys engaged we're not engaged yet but he's not like he is he was the one that corner Like he, he was the one that, I, I, I mean, he's the one who brought up marriage first about a year ago. Um, but he, I know he wants to take his time and not rush to get married, which I'm, we're both like really chill and laid back about that. We don't, I mean, we don't talk about it every day. Like it's pretty rare that we talk about getting engaged. Like we don't have any plans yet, but, um, yeah But yeah, I mean, we do talk about it in passing.

You've heard me say this before if you listen to this podcast. If you're not engaged or if you're not married, I think there's a big difference, very subtle, but big difference between saying, I could see this person as my life partner or I think this person is my life partner with these expectations that you have. One is more like you're open to the possibility,

you remain open until you're not. And if you're not open to it, you break up. But telling yourself over and over, like this is going to be my person, this is going to... Then you start ignoring problems that you have, right? You set them aside, you start calling big problems small problems. I'm not saying that you're not going to have this, right? You set them aside. You start calling big

problems, small problems. I'm not saying that you're not going to have this. This isn't going to be your guy. But what you should stop doing is avoiding things that bother you because you've told yourself that this is going to be your person. So you keep making excuses for the actions of him or the problems of the relationship. And then you don't address it because you're afraid of the possibility of facing the truth is maybe he's not your guy. That's very interesting. I mean,

you have a good point. Like we're not engaged. We're not married yet. So like, you know, nothing, everything's, he's a guy you love who you see the possibility of,

and you're going to keep exploring those possibilities. Otherwise just go get married. You know what I'm saying? Because like, there's a reason why you guys both have an out and that's an outs get married. You know what I'm saying? Because there's a reason why you guys both have an out. And outs are great. They keep you sharp. Yeah. Of your two main issues, I feel like the gift one, I feel like I would be pretty lenient on that because some people just don't speak in the same way with love that others do. And it seems like when you brought it up, he's made, you know, like the example of then he took you to the orchestra.

And then so it's like he does care and he is listening. It's just it just seems like it's just not the way he works his brain. The other one to me is more concerning. As a guy, what often sometimes happens, and this has been a while back for me, but early on in life when when young adults become sexually active it's not that uncommon for both men and women to have poor sexual experiences with partners because the other person none neither of you know what the fuck you're doing right so sometimes as a guy you're just like you go down there and you're just like what the fuck

is going on and then for the next couple years you're just like, you go down there and you're just like, what the fuck is going on? And then for the next couple of years, you're just like, oh, I'll never do that again. And then you grow up and a few years go by. You date someone who knows what they're doing. And all of a sudden, you get re-invited to the party. And you're just like, this is the best time ever. I love it down here. So I don't know. Maybe he just had a bad experience

at some point but yeah you know just that's right am I

no yeah I think I think maybe that maybe you know there's two ways to go about this sitting down and talking about it sometimes makes it worse

because maybe instead of doing that you you know set up a night and you do it in a certain way, whether it's sexy little notes that takes you from one step to the next. I would think maybe think outside the box a little bit instead of we need to talk about

something and make it. I just think maybe before you go that route, maybe do something a little more, make a night of it and like leave little, you know, one step leads to the next step and you, here's a clue to this. And it's just a whole, you know, thing that, you know, I already have it now imagined in my head. I feel like it's like, yeah, I feel like maybe, do you agree? Like maybe to kind of make it a little less? Yes. I mean, in any situation, especially when it comes to guys, egos and libidos or, you know, they're fragile. So there's that.

But and so now there's this pressure. But I don't think I'm going out on a limb here to say that, like, everyone's into different things. Like everyone's into different things. But I think if you're going to want to spend the rest of life for someone and men and women both, you should want to make your partner feel super desired and super sexy. And you don't have to fucking let like, why did I can't? I'm a little mad at this guy for telling you that it makes him not makes him nauseous. guy for telling you that it makes him not it makes him nauseous like yeah why is he lumping doing this to you with like every sexual experience he's ever had other girls i understand but like he shouldn't have said that to you because now like the idea of making you feel good and desired is equating to like him feeling nauseous yeah he sounded like an 18 year old when

he said that to me yeah that's like something an 18 year old how old is he how old yeah how old is he oh we're this we're the same age remind me how old you are you're 28 i mean yeah 28 so yeah but he yeah i just feel like maybe he's not as experienced. I don't know. So yeah, maybe not. So I just think that's something you guys need to work on together. Maybe it's some sort of relationship sex coach. I don't know. That's possible.

He definitely, I just think that's a really immature comment to say to your partner. I really do. He doesn't have to love it as much as other guys, but as long as you guys are clean people and you're taking care of yourselves, this should not be something like the idea. Whatever he has planted in his head, if he's really being nauseous, like something happened to him,

he needs to work through that shit. Yeah. Right? Because it's affecting how you... There's nothing wrong with you for wanting that, to feel desired in the bedroom. For someone that you want to maybe spend the rest of your life with, you have to give that up?

That's a big, big, big thing. Yeah, so I'm not being crazy. No. No. And she asked in her letter, she asked, am I being a little bitch? It was kind of fun. i don't i don't think there's anything wrong with you like if you're thinking about spending the rest of your

life with someone we should have these expectations and this doesn't make you selfish or wrong or a little bitch as you asked about like you know wanting to feel desired in the bedroom why should you have to give that up? And in a relationship, I feel like that's, you know, that's the person that's supposed to build you up and support you and make you feel like when you leave the door, you're, you know, 10 feet tall. If you're getting the opposite, you know, that's going to do the opposite to you, you know? So I think that this is definitely something like for me you know

more important than you know maybe if somebody doesn't give you a gift but you when you tell them they try and they try to redirect and correct this one i feel like it's you know it seems like something that should be important to fix with you guys because i think it says a lot about like you said like that's so insulting that's so well it's the thing it's the it's how he said it and why like it's the way he said it that tells me that was an immature point of view and that's fine we've all we all do immature things as adults but it sounds like a him it's a it's his problem it's not your problem and you know you have to you have to decide what is important to you.

And so don't put things that are important to you away on the shelf if you're trying to conform to make something work. Just make sure that you're standing in your own feet, in your own power of what works for you and what you want in a relationship. And a lot of times I feel like girls and guys sometimes will will try and conform to fit what the other person is looking for and you know that's not going to work in the long term so just you know keep that in mind all right well best of luck all right thank you guys so much all right get yours bye how's it going hi how are you good how are you good what's your name my name is sailor i'm 28

how can we help sailor okay so a long time ago um me and my best friend we had you know we've had made many jokes about being intimate just stupid girl stuff you know how it can be and one day and ended up going to another level and um and then you know life went on whatever it was a one-time thing never happened again could you be more specific sailor a little bit you're being slightly cryptic and it can be a bunch of different things okay Okay. So we had sex. You and your friend? Yes. Me and my best friend.

Yes. Is your best friend a male or female? She's a female. Okay. Yeah. And so, yeah, it was a one-time thing. Never really happened again. So years later, I ended up meeting my current boyfriend now almost two and a half years. And, you know, one day had come up that this had happened. And I didn't really realize

when I was telling him that it was ever going to be a thing. Because it because to me, you know, it never was. And so I was, I was just, this is when we first started dating, you know, the questions come out, you answer them, you tell them the truth, whatever. And I never thought it was ever going to be like used against me. So later down the road, she's the type of person that she is. She's very sexual to anybody. She's very flirtatious. She's always, you know, grabbing people's attention she'll even flirt with your boyfriend in front of you and i was just like oh that's just her that's just how she is whatever like you know i never took it personally really ever so can i ask you a question

about that can i ask you a question about that so like it as you were saying just i want to confirm it didn't bother you at all or or is it something that bothered you but you just put up with it because there's a difference like her being so flirtatious with everybody yeah were you like truly indifferent we're like oh it's her or you're like ah you know she does that i wish she wouldn't but i guess she that's what she does Yeah. Sometimes I would be kind of annoyed and be like, okay, you're switching your personality as soon as my boyfriend walks in or as soon as a friend walks in. It's like you're changing. And I'd be like, I see what you're doing.

All right. So I'm just glad you pointed that out because when you first described it, you kind of dismissed that. Yeah, because I always would just dismiss it in my head, but I would know it was happening, and I would be annoyed, but I would never say it to her. I never said it to her. Okay.

So come to find out that I actually met my boyfriend years ago. He's four years younger than me. I met him years ago, and he was totally younger than me. I met him years ago and we, he was totally different than what he looked like now. Like he transformed from someone to a new man and like never really paid attention to him then. And then he reached out to me and I reached out to him a couple of years later, but his sister was best friends with my best friend growing up. So he grew up with this girl, with my best friend. He grew up with her. She was always in the family.

You know, they knew how she was. And she had problems with his sister and they had a falling out. And his whole family hates her. And it was due to another- His whole family hates your best friend? Yes. Okay.

Yeah. So that was already a thing that was already they never really liked her um so um one day she had like i said she's flirtatious she always would send me like she'll send me snapchats of of her like with crazy cleavage and like but i were like in her in a sexy dress and but like i feel like she just sends that to everybody you know what i mean it's just like oh yeah oh oh yeah that's just one of her photos whatever and the one day he was there and saw it and he was like what the fuck was that and i was like nothing and he was like what was that i was like oh it was her it was like she

showed me her fucking cleavage and i was like you know i was like it's no big deal and he's like no that is a big deal and you know I kind of didn't think anything of it so you know I let it go and he didn't really let it go and then there's so much like in between but we had tried to all hang out sometimes together and it would always be weird you could feel the vibe that he hated her that she didn't like him and like then it would put me in the middle could feel the vibe that he hated her, that she didn't like him. And like, then it would put me in the middle. And then one day I just kind of snapped them in both. Like, why can't we all just hang out?

It just seems like there's always tension between these two. You know, I'm feeling like I have to make her happy. I have to make him happy. And he doesn't see that. She doesn't see that. She thinks I'm picking his side. He thinks I'm picking her side. They're both like fighting for my attention. But then apparently she has done skeptical things behind my back that like at a party she went up to

him while him and i were dating saying i was thinking about messaging you before before this all happened and he was like okay like he didn't really know like what to say he immediately told me like gotcha what she said so i mean we get the i mean i guess the i think we got enough of this backstory what is your specific question before we so well so the on top of that backstory um her and i kind of had a falling out for that argument when i said that why can't we all get along we ended up trying to hang out again and he was mad about it but i was like he's like i don't trust her blah blah all get along we ended up trying to hang out again and he was mad about it but I was like he's like I don't trust her blah blah blah but anyway we ended up hanging out she was

trying to make passes at me but like I took it as friendly oh stop and she was doing like a video saying just kiss me be my girlfriend and we were drinking I'm like oh stop it like and then she put it on her story and like his sister saw it and then he ended up coming home and find and seeing us on a couch like cuddling because she asked me she's like can I just come cuddle next to you I was like I guess I don't I don't know like I don't know how to say no I didn't know how to say no I was gonna be like no it's weird because she's my friend like we're just we've always just done stuff like that and then he walked in and it was this huge fight so after that we kind of broke up and um now it's it's like no her or her or me and I haven't talked to her since that day it's been

months but I'm like constantly thinking about it and it's like is it worth is it worth it is he right to feel that way and is it worth it for me to try to have that friend back or is it not like is it I don't know I'm curious what Chrishell thinks but before I ask what Chrishell thinks I'm curious but what you think I don't know i battle i'm battling in my head all the time because what do you think is forget what you want if if you were to take out what you want what do you think you should do um kind of probably just let it go and if I'm planning on building a future with him, you know, are you,

so are you still with your boyfriend or not? Yeah. Yeah. You are still together. Okay. So the, yes. Oh yeah.

Yeah. What are your thoughts? This was a couple of months ago. Yeah. Well, you know, I think I would have been a lot more lenient until you told me this story about her saying that to your boyfriend about, oh, I was going to message you.

To me, that is a huge red flag in a friendship. And so all the other stuff, just to me, that throws the whole story into a different direction. I find that to be a pretty toxic thing to do. And I have no tolerance for people that don't see that kind of energy. So again, all the other stuff I think I would have been like, you know, I don't think would have been a big deal. That to me is a huge flag. What about you, Nick? Yeah. And that's what he always tells me is that she's toxic. Why don't you see this? Why don't you see what she does to people? And she's done it to me in a previous relationship also that kind of situation would you be more empathetic to your boyfriend

if your best friend who you once had sex with in the past was a male well that's what he says to me too he's like take sex out of it and think about it that way well don't take sex out of it i'm just curious if your best friend was a male, and women have best friends who can be guys. Would I be more sympathetic? And sometimes I've had women who are very close friends of mine that I've had sex with in the past, and we just end up becoming good friends.

Would you have been more empathetic for his position if it was a guy because i feel like there's a double standard going on here just because your best friend's a woman i know i know and that's what he says to me but and then i'm like yeah i probably would i probably would have been more empathetic if he was a male because to me i have never had feelings for her and there's no feelings for me there. But he doesn't, he just sees what he sees. And, you know, that's everything you're telling me. So I guess, I mean, from my point of view, from what I'm hearing from you, everything

you're telling me about how your boyfriend is reacting to the situation seems fair. We live in this world, especially for men, where they have such a double standard and men who are you know generally considered to be hypersexualized and when they hear about like their girlfriend who had been maybe even made out with a girl in college or had been intimate with a girl they're all like oh my god threesome and they're like super horned up about it and they think it's super cool but what it sounds like your boyfriend is respecting the fact that you were intimate with someone in the past whether it's a guy or a girl

and he's validating that is for it what it was like a romantic intimate situation that he seems to respect and he respects it by like acknowledging that it wasn't just like some thing right he didn't dismiss it as like some like you know well i was just experimenting and maybe you were and that's fine if you were and that's fine if you were but he is respecting it for what it is a sexual experience doesn't matter if it was a guy or a girl yeah right yeah he is and so he has a right to do that because like he you could be friends with somebody you had sex with if you guys communicate well but in addition to the the fact that you had slept with this person who

you're friends with, and you know, it is what it is. Yeah. Now there's this other situation with your friend where there's just these constant red flags of, you know, sending provocative photos, right? Like I don't, you know, if I were dating a girl, right. And she was like, Hey, here's the situation, Eric, you know, you've met him. He's my friend. He's my best friend. Well, five years ago, we had sex. And then, like, we just became friends. And I know it sucks and it's weird, but just trust me. We are just friends.

This was forever ago. We date other people. And I've been like, all right, cool. I mean, sure, I can relate to that. I've been there. I trust you. And then all of a sudden, like, Eric her like Snapchats and dick pics and provocative photos, I'd be like, it doesn't seem like you guys are best friends.

It seems like he wants to fuck you. Yeah. You know, and that's what this is. The fact that she's a woman to me is irrelevant. You know, like these are like, you know, if you are attracted to both men and women, great. But like he is respecting that about you. Yeah. And acknowledging it is legitimate and i think that's great that he does that because he's not dismissing it as some sort of like you know rogue sexual experience that you had is like some like you know and i

think that's great that sounds like he's handling it in a very mature way and i don't know and you are kind of chris shell's point is given this very toxic behavior way too much um leeway yeah do you think there's a chance that you have feelings with her that go beyond just no no no no no okay yeah that's definitely no it's just i enjoyed her friendship and she was really like one of the only friends i really ever felt like i could be the most comfortable with you know you have your friends like you know yeah well i mean that's hard i mean when you lose a friend it's extremely difficult a lot of times it it feels the same as losing a relationship because it is a relationship and another and sometimes it's just as close if not closer. So it's going to be hard, but you have to treat it just like you would a romantic

relationship. When you see red flags and you see toxic energy, that's why when we're dating people, we end up breaking up or we realize it's not a match. Sometimes our friends aren't a match. We grow apart or it's a different stage in your life. You don't end up going at the same time. And so it doesn't, you know, sometimes it doesn't mean that you have to just, you know, in your situation, it does seem like you have to draw a line, you know, but sometimes it's, it's a little more general than that. You, you grow apart. But in this instance, if you really love your man it feels like you know he's not crazy all of the flags you know he's he's pointing to are legitimate and i feel like that is

a choice that you would need to make you know for the good of your relationship so it's about what you value because if you if you go back to that friendship it it is going to feel a little you know like that's a toxic trait now you're bringing into it if you know all of this and you still knowingly do it i feel like that you know is something that you have to really own you know right right if what you needed is validation that you know that's it's not a good situation, then here, we're both telling you, yeah, it's a little, break up with your friend. I needed to get off my chest.

Friends can break up with friends. And as Chrishell said, it can be just as hard. So don't dismiss it. You have a right to feel like you're going to go through a mourning period. Let your boyfriend know how you're feeling. He shouldn't dismiss that you're sad about it,

but know that like, you're right. I need to let this go, but it doesn't make me sad just, you know, because this person was in my life. And yeah. And he did ask me,

he asked me, do I miss her? Like in an argument, he's like, do you miss her? And I said, well, yeah,

to be honest, of course I do. I, of course I miss having that friend, but I said, and I told him, I was like, I made,

I did make the decision to not continue to talk to her. And I haven't talked to her since that day. And I guess it just, it just been weighing on me. Like, I mean, if I were your boyfriend, my, he doesn't want to have to convince you to not be friends with this person. He wants you to see it. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? And he's struggling with, that's how I would feel. I'd be like, this person he wants you to see it yeah you know what

i'm saying and he's struggling with that's how i would feel be like fuck don't you see it like god like i don't want to be the one i don't want to tell you not to hang out with this person he doesn't trust her and now he's you're getting into that period where he's going to not trust your judgment and not trust you and your decision and like he's really my guess is if i'm him he's just like hoping that you see it and just be like, and it's your indecisiveness about the situation is probably what he's struggling with the most. He wants to see you see it as clear as him. So this is good. You see what it is, you know, and now you can, you know, have that validation that it seems,

you know, you were looking for and move forward in a healthy way you know i feel better thank you guys i appreciate it all right be strong all right you got this i will i'm gonna get a pretty good guy give it a give you know focus on that he is he really is i know all right well best of luck okay all right take care thank you so much guys all right yep good luck rochelle with everything thank you see the whole world you're welcome how's it going hi how are you good what's your name tanya 31 how can we help tanya oh all right i'm a little nervous, but, um, um, so I've started dating this guy, I guess like a little backstory. I, I, who I am, like I typically, I grew up with like my father, who's like a narcissist

diagnosed narcissist. He's actually kind of been proud of it. And, um, I had a very emotionally abusive, like step-mom growing up, like alcoholic and everything. Um, so I've always struggled struggled with my self-esteem issues. And because of that, I've tended to date a lot of narcissists in the past, like really bad narcissists. And I think I always kind of did it as a challenge too.

It was easier to date them and know that when it didn't go right, I could just be like, well, they were an asshole. So they're an asshole. Very honest, Tanya. You got that going for you. Yeah. So, but I've been like doing a lot of work on myself and like trying to, you know, grow. I want to have like a real relationship. So I actually started dating this really good guy at the end of August. We went on like a really good first date. Everything was amazing. And then I kind of avoided him for three weeks because it kind of freaked me out. And then

we started like full on dating, like we would hang out every weekend for all of the weekends. And then I started treating him like the jerks that I'm used to and getting really jealous. And, um, I was making assumptions that, you know, that he was going to be like all these other guys. I mean, cause like there was like little triggers, like, I mean, on our first date, he's just, he's like a very emotional person. And on our first date, like, you know, we were drinking and everything. He dropped the, I love you to me already on our first date. So I was like, Whoa,

that's a bit much but um so like you know that that like triggered like you know like narcissists like love bombing and all this stuff so I start like getting I like I'm I overthink everything so I'm like oh well maybe he's just like these guys maybe he's got all these different triggers but like he's just triggering me but um so you know i like start like super like kind of like following his instagram and stuff i guess i like to do research but you know probably the degree of which i did is way too far and he he actually had like a really like abusive like jealous ex so my actions were triggering him and um you know and he kept telling me that and everything and then I um one day like called him and like went into full depth of how asking him about one specific girl on his Instagram about

like it's like the degree of which I did was pretty bad like where I like saw her story and she asked for like restaurant recommendations and then I saw that he followed two new restaurants and then she started following it and I'm just like so who's this girl and he's just like how did you know all like what is this is too much so um he asked for you know like some time to think about it um because he needed a break because he was just like i feel like he's my privacy's invaded but i want you to know that i'm pursuing you and like just you and you need to stop but then he like it seems like he like can't really get over it right now and like he tried um and then we like he contacted me like last week on Monday um we're gonna like hang out and try again for a little bit but then like during that time the week that we didn't talk I did a lot of self-reflection and trying to

figure out how do I not react the way that I'm doing um so while he's already unclear on me I'm like talking to him and I'm like so these are the things that we need to have like a discussion on so I don't get jealous and I'm like I'm sure I probably scared him away with that too and overwhelmed him. And then now he needs to think more. And I just, and it seems like he's like kind of headed towards the end of things. And I don't really want it to go that way because I know how to fix my issues. And it's just kind of frustrating that I did all this and I might not get the chance to. So, I don't know. All right. So, to summarize, it sounds like you've been so

afraid of dating toxic men or you have dated toxic men. And then here you are dating a seemingly nice enough guy, maybe a little ambitious with the I love you's, but nice guy. And you've become the toxic person in this particular relationship. And now you're worried and you're afraid that you ruined it. Yeah. And it's totally reasonable for him to be afraid. You know, I triggered him. Okay. So.

And then what is, I guess, your specific question about this? So I guess it's headed, it seems like it's headed towards the end. I know that, like, I mean, I have some of his stuff. He has some of my stuff. So I know we're going to see each other again, at least. And I just don't know, like, how do I act? Like, how do I approach this now? Like, I mean, the last time we talked he was basically saying that he

doesn't know how he's gonna keep this going because that's another thing is he wants to move back home in like four months where's that in the key time how far away from you is that I think like California okay so yeah yeah so maybe maybe regardless it's not a practical relationship. I'm not saying – he's going the opposite direction. Usually if you're in a long-distance relationship, they come to you rather than leave. Yeah.

But listen, you obviously are a self-aware person, right? You at least attempt to be, which is the challenge. But a lot of people don't even try to be self-aware. So you have that. You have some issues you have to work through you can recognize that you have some jealousy and insecurities about things i've talked a lot like jealousy comes in two different forms in my experience you know you can date people who make you jealous because they make you feel insecure by their actions they're being cryptic they're not showing up on time they're staying out late they're doing shit

that makes you like think this is fucked up and then you become insecure and subsequently jealous or people can be jealous because of shit that's happened to them they haven't worked through yet which it sounds like in your case is this situation so like have you question have you like gone to like therapy to work through some of this stuff oh yeah like uh my parents are like a very tumultuous divorce like they put me in therapy from age four to like until like i was 22 i stopped going to therapy but all right so maybe think about going back and i don't say that as in any judgment i gotta go therapy you know what i'm saying like it's oh yeah so it sounds like you still have some stuff you have to work through and that is okay so you don't have to pretend stop working through it with people you're dating i was just gonna say

that that's the most healthy way to do it is to work through it you know in therapy and not have to learn these lessons kind of through someone you you know, because now, you know, of course you don't want to hurt him. He sounds like he's a nice guy. And so, and you don't want to have any, I hate when you ever do anything that then you feel like you can't take it back or you feel bad. It's just a terrible feeling. So I think that's a great idea to go back and, you know, work on yourself,

you know, by yourself and not through these. You can save yourself a lot of heartache if you do the work before you enter into a relationship. Yeah. Have you ever been cheated on? No, not that I'm aware of. No. I've been like lied to i'd like there was

a married guy that i didn't know was married and okay that's yeah and then and you got i was the i didn't get cheated on in that way you're the other person yeah and you got through it yeah yeah i only like you know sometimes we we stuff happens to us and we're so afraid of it and again we try to avoid it and then you know then it happens and then we deal with it and it sucks and then we work through it and we survive it and you know so um in terms of jealousy right i mean like yeah there's a difference between like open communication like you have a right to ask them questions you know yeah and it's just how you guys communicate this dude in a way where it's just like definitely stop like stalking and getting too much information but you also have

in in a early in a relationship i don't know how you feel but it's like sometimes you're just like hey can i ask some questions because i just want to make sure you want to check in because you don't know like we all have that when we date someone new you know we date someone new and we're just like well you know I realize I it feels like I know everything about you but I definitely don't so can I ask some questions and everyone has a past and now we just have to like slowly find a way to check in and learn about their past without sounding like we've you know been stalking the shit out of them you know yeah we all do these things right like you see some you see the person you're dating maybe like in their dms and then like you can't help who's

doing them you're just like why the fuck are people dming you and then obviously you're just like wait people dm me all the time and i look at my DMs out of sheer boredom. We all do this and we sometimes forget that we do the same thing. So I think in this guy's case, all you can do, he's moving away anyway. So you're playing with house money, right? That's how I would look at it if I were you.

And so next time you see him, just be like, listen, I don't know if you know this about me, but I have some shit I'm dealing with. And just own up to everything you think you did and just say you're sorry. He may or may not forgive you. It may be too much, but just say if you want to keep talking,

I'd love to just keep getting to know you and maybe you got me nervous in a great way by expressing your feelings to me. It made me a little insecure and nervous because I think you are a great guy and that's where it comes from. So maybe let's both kind of like slow it down. You're moving anyways,

but I still want to just keep talking to you and let's take away these expectations we've made for each other in this relationship and just see if we enjoy spending time together. You know? I agree because that's very charming when someone has that. Like he said, you're very self-reflective.

Which is nice that like if this conversation, I wonder if you've been as honest with him as you've been with us. Because I think that would really help for him to really see, you know, your thought process and how you got to where you were. And that's something that, you know, for me, it's all about someone's intentions. And if I knew, you know, where they were coming from, like how you just spoke with us, it's very different than thinking that this person is crazy and, you know, jealous and just never going to get over certain things. It's different to hear you speak this way. So I would say the same thing. I would encourage you to be really honest with them. Yeah. Yeah. Take it easy on yourself. And give yourself some self-love because you're beautiful.

You're fabulous. I think a lot of that comes from an insecurity with how you feel about yourself. So make sure you're taking care of yourself. Give yourself all that love you need to do to feel like you really are confident. And so you're entering into these situations with confidence and not from an insecure place. Hopefully that was helpful. I don't know. Oh, very helpful. Thank you. I appreciate that. Take it easy on yourself, number one. And as far as this guy goes, just be honest with him, be vulnerable, and it may not work. It's okay. But right now it's safe to say

my gut tells me that you know he's a nice guy and you know he's not like every other guy you've dated, but I don't know if you really know how you feel about him. He's just different. And then now you're afraid that you ruined something that could be great, but you don't know if it's great yet. So just take it easy on yourself if it doesn't work out because that's kind of what you're feeling more than anything.

I think you're right. Yeah. Thank you. All right. Best of luck. Yes, good luck. Thank you. Thank you so much. Have a good day. All right, you too. more than anything. I think you're right. Yeah. Thank you. All right. Best of luck. Yes, good luck. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Have a good day. All right, you too. Bye-bye. Bye. Well, that was a ton of fun, Rochelle. I know. That was so much fun. Thanks for joining us.

Absolutely. Thanks for having me. You give great advice. Yeah, that was fun. I like hearing what the questions are. It's so interesting. They're all so different. We all have our everyone just has their own we have all have our own problems so true uh but you don't have yours right now because

oh my god and we're back and here we are again any final thoughts about anything in your life going on that you want to send us off with no i you know listen do the work on yourself so that you can enter into relationships in a healthy way and then you know you never know what might come your way that was amazing that was great that's such a quote. And maybe love is in the air. We don't know. We don't want to put labels on it. Do the work on yourself. That's what's important.

I'm so happy that you're happy. Me too. Great. I'm going to say that. Me too. Well, thanks for listening, guys. We want to give Chrishell an extra special thank you

for indulging us with these relationship questions. She's been so kind and so very charmingly protective of her new relationship. And we want to thank her. Don't forget to send your questions at asknickatcastme.com. Cast with a K. Great questions today. Next week, we have another excellent

Ask Nick episode. Justin Long is with us and if you want dating advice from the guy who used to say he's just not that into you as the star of that movie. It's a very meta episode and Justin is really fantastic.

It's going to be so good. He was really great at giving advice so i know you guys will enjoy it and once again chrishell thank you so much thank you a ton of fun thank you bye