The Viall Files - E210 Ask Nick - Anger Is Loves Neighbor With Justin Long

Episode Date: December 14, 2020

We have another extended version of Ask Nick for you this week as we are joined once again by the delightful, Justin Long. Will he tell one of our callers “he is just not that into you”? You will have to listen to find out so let’s jump right into it. Our first caller is actively dating two people at once and thought that one would “fizzle” out but neither of them have. We then speak with someone who was dealing with the death of her father and needing the support of her boyfriend who was not showing up for her when she needed him most. Our next caller finds herself feeling constantly shamed by her boyfriend whenever things do not go according to HIS plan. A bigger dating issue comes up while chatting with someone who’s original issue is that her boyfriend doesn’t like it when she hangs out with her friends. Finally, a woman discovers her bi-sexuality when she realizes she has an attraction to her friend that she now is falling in love with and she is not sure how to tell her.  “ He is a hunk who never cultivated anything outside of his hunkiness“ Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Mrs. Fields: http://www.mrsfields.com get 20% off site-wide with code VIALL. TRUFF: http://www.truff.com get 10% off site-wide with code VIALL. Liquid I.V.: http://www.liquidIV.com use code VIALL for 25% off your order. Each And Every: http://www.eachandevery.com/Viall use promo code VIALL for 30% off. Proactiv: Proactiv.com/VIALL Proactiv subscribers will receive the Hydrating Duo as a FREE GIFT. That includes four Hydrogel Masks AND the Green Tea Moisturizer! You also get FREE SHIPPING. Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall Justin Long @justinlong See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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v-i-a-l-l at mrsfields.com just click or tap on the microphone at the top and enter promo code viall for 20 off your order that's mrsfields.com promo code viall What's going on, everybody? Welcome to a very special edition of Ask Nick Vilefiles. I'm your host, Nick. Justin Long is with us, everybody. Co-bitch. Justin, I think everyone's just really excited to hear you. Just say he's just not that into you at some point oh you know yeah episode that's fine i don't know he may or may not be either way

justin is as good as you would think he is at giving relationship advice oh thanks i am i wish i could follow it um i am that into you. I'm into this show. This is really exciting. Did that sound not sincere? That sounds sarcastic. I mean it. I'm really excited to be here. I do that all the time.

People often think like, I don't sell it. I'm often a low energy and I'll say something and I'll be like, oh, that sounded like I'm a dick. I've noticed not that you sound like a dick, but that you go, I do the same thing. I don't like to, oh my God, look at the guy, peep, coming down, washing the windows. You said a nice thing to my friend the other day on the phone and you paid her a very nice compliment. And you, I noticed that you went kind of lower because you don't, you get kind of almost like a bashful about compliments. Yes. Do you not like receiving compliments i what's the weird question i don't not in person but i do like

attention yeah yeah yeah yeah so uh i don't like to make a big deal about compliments yeah i like to like brush it off yeah you know um but yeah i i do that a lot yeah i didn't read it read into it okay all right good but uh but it is so nice to be you are it's so nice to be here oh my god i'm so excited um but yeah you guys are in for a treat um it just it felt if you uh if you're a fan of justin which i'm sure many of you are this will feel very meta. And if you hate me, maybe you'll just be indifferent to me. Honestly, if you do hate Justin, you won't after this episode.

They still might. They still might. But hopefully my goal is that they, they hate me less. I have fun. That has this podcast has helped me in that where people be like a lot of like they, they list,

they tune in to hate. Listen, I've been transformed transformed which is always it's hard to get that message it's hard to convey that well no but like it's uh we talked about this last time you're here the kind of backhanded compliment of yes i used to hate you yeah yeah well i hate you a lot less than i thought i would um yeah i know and it's nice for you because i would imagine you get to control, you have much more control over how you are seeing, how you get to present yourself. Well, this is just me.

Yeah. Yeah. And so. You're not being all cut up. It's not, there's not some producer like an Ed Harris in the Truman Show pulling the strings. So it's just me talking. I feel like it's an opportunity.

As I'm sure you do, like with podcasting, it's just like this is a way to just, you know, you and your brother talk and it just humanizes you. But it must be extra refreshing for you having been through that other thing. Yeah. Creating this persona. It is nice. Yeah, I bet. I bet. Well, you're very, yeah.

You're really good at it. I have found that when I do play, when I, you know, because on this podcast, you talk long enough that you can show all your sides. And it's one of those things when I, if I am the person they believe I am to be, even on the podcast, like, oh, see. I got them. See? I got them. Yeah. I get that sometimes.

Yeah. Because people have such strong preconceived notions that they are just, they're projecting. They're waiting. They're cherry picking. Yeah. But that's, what's nice about what you do is because you, you are very honest about your flaws and about the things that you've been

through. And I find that that's a very attractive quality. And it's, it's one that, that makes you, I think really good at this is that you've, you're accepting of your strengths and your weaknesses. Thank you.

Yeah. That's the only reason I am, if I am good at this is that I'm just it's just personal experiences which it's always comes in from like it's not i always like it's hard to get advice from the person who's only had one successful blissful relationship right right it's just like what do you do when your boyfriend cheats on you i don't know my boyfriend's amazing yeah exactly it's hard to and and it's interesting because often on the bachelor we talked about this the other day they people are so much less willing to it's harder to to kind of show your flaws on when you i would imagine when you're being filmed and uh that's so rare to see on that show and and

maybe because they can exploit it they can exploit those flaws when you are honest about, you know, yeah, that's the hard part. It's like you, you lose creative control. Right. Right.

Well, I think we should just get to it. Yeah. You guys will really enjoy it. Don't forget to subscribe, sending your questions at ask Nick at cast me.com. Make sure to just check out Justin's podcast. Life is short with Justin long.

It's great. It's one of the few i listen to that's so nice that's a tough ask nick you really have to hit the k in uh ask right because it could be it sounds if you mumble it it's ask nick and i do mumble which is a challenge ask Nick. Now I'm in my head. Okay. Now, going forward, I'll only be like, ask Nick. Yeah. Well, thanks for listening, guys. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going?

Hi, I'm Kelly. I'm 28. Hey, Kelly. I'm calling because I am pretty actively dating two men right now. And it's been for about five months of like casually dating these dudes and I don't really know like what to do about it or where to go from here um I actually thought you'd be the perfect person for advice it's really hard um some backstory I got divorced in March and then started on the apps, uh, started dating in June. Well, the end of June, it was more like July. And so I went on like a bunch of hinge dates the first week and these two guys stuck. So I just like kept dating them. And I just thought eventually that they would like fizzle out. Um, but they're both still here.

That is so romantic so you just your your game plan for finding love was just to let one die and then you were just going to maintain whatever left that's sort of in a way it makes sense i mean i know that sounds that's a funny soundbite but it like isn't that kind of what happens to everyone? I mean, don't things either fizzle out or codify? Is it codify? Codify? I don't know. Codirise?

Codirise? I don't know. You're an English teacher. Codify. I don't know. Yeah, that works. So is there any issues with either? Are they both just kind of average? Well, actually combined, if you take the qualities of both of them, they're like the best boyfriend ever.

You like talking to one and having sex with another? I've been there. Yes, that's exactly right. Yeah, that's welcome to my entire life. Wait, so which one? And let me ask you, are you equally, what's the comfort level with them both? And are you, let me ask you, are you equally, what's the comfort level with them both? Like when you, when you're around them and you, in terms of just being yourself, which one do you think you can more be yourself with?

That's the one I would go with. That's such a good question. I feel like I'm like different versions of myself with both of them. So that's hard. Maybe they're both wrong. Like not, but like, but like still like enough myself with both of them. I'm much more like intellectually and like emotionally invested in one and then like physically invested in the other but what's

getting and i was just fine with like writing this forever but they've like both insinuated that they're not seeing other people so they've both attempted to try to define this relationship with you and you're just like, but not, they haven't tried that hard though. And so I'm just like, let's focus on one at a time. Okay. The guy who is just a really good bang.

Yes. What? Really good. Really? Okay. He's phenomenal. That goes a long way. It does.

So, but like, so you got the good deed, but it dies. Yeah. So like, is it when So, you got the good deed. But it dies. Yeah. It fizzles. So, like, is it when you're not having sex with him, is it torturous to hang out with him? Like, do you roll your eyes when he speaks?

Like, how bad? You know what I'm saying? Like. Is it stimulating? Yeah. Yeah. Like. It's like, it's like medium.

Like, he, like, he's easy enough to talk to. Like, we have a good time. But. Do you make excuses to like leave? Like how to limit the time after sex? I limit. Yeah, I purposely go over kind of late. So that it's like a shorter amount of time for sure.

What's his personality? Is he more just quiet? He's just like really chill. He's just like a chill dude. He's a hunk. He's a hunk who never cultivated anything beyond his hunkiness well maybe maybe not okay now about like the guy the cerebral guy who's kind of not is he bad in bed or is he this not phenomenal like good dick he's like okay he's fine could he improve media yeah maybe what what does your gut tell you i always know yeah i know you like that question

well my gut my gut tells me that like neither of these guys are my guy oh i'm not gonna end up with either of these guys but yeah so how long do i do what i'm doing knowing that it's gonna be like a dead end but then i'm not really interested in like finding that series of a relationship I just got out of a marriage you know so it's sorry to interrupt Kelly I was gonna say no I wonder if maybe you just weren't and aren't in the right headspace to to to fully commit to a a new thing like a complete you know in the way that like yeah you just got out of a marriage i don't want to put words in your mouth but it sounds like maybe that's where you're at which is fine i think that's true smelling good very important when you're around yourself or other people

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and Proactive MD subscription strength for stubborn breakouts. I had acne as a child. Yeah, we all, yeah. I mean, so it's hard, especially because I work on red carpets. It was really hard for me to go to red carpets and have like acne on my face. And I felt like insecure about myself, but I was able with Proactive be able to have better, clearer skin. So I didn't feel so insecure when I was working on the carpets around all these people. Yeah. We always say control what you can control. And with Proactiv, you can take control of your healthy skin. Right now is a great time to try Proactiv. For our listeners, you can get a special offer available by going to Proactiv. slash V I A L L proactive subscribers will receive the hydrating duo as a free gift that includes four hydrogel masks and green tea moisturizer.

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invested some of them um so they're invested in a way that maybe you're not and maybe you don't want to right you want to be cautious with that and so yeah I don't know if this helps you, but like often in dating, I felt that way. Great sex with some people, great conversations with others. It's like the great challenge, right? And so, that is the goal. Find the person who does both. Now, in the meantime, I've made the mistake in the past of having great sex with someone. And it's not that the conversations were bad.

It just wasn't as natural for other people. So I never really gave it a chance. Right. And some people just, it comes over time. They may never be as dynamic or a conversationalist as other people. But like, if you give them the benefit of the doubt or like really try to have those conversations, they might surprise you. Like sometimes I've realized with people i've never like engaged engaged in those conversations and it just didn't come natural for me and the biggest reason why we didn't have them is because there was really no attempt right because what you have are two different options so you're not even bothering with with good dick you're just like well i'll just have the conversation about stars in the universe in

the meeting of life with this other guy that's the role he's playing yeah and what seems pretty clear is your guts telling you that the the guy who have you have a good conversation with is like you're just not that fit he just doesn't get you going you're not excited about it yeah and and the nice thing to know is is that you can have both one i mean like you'll that's the goal is to find there's a great scene in Seinfeld where Jerry's playing. He has an imaginary chess game. Have you seen this one?

I'm sure I have. With his penis and his brain. Oh, yeah. They're playing a chess game together. And sometimes that's the struggle. Sometimes it's like, it's really one versus the other. And it's not...

You can't deny either one and the importance of either one. But I'll tell you this. What do you call the good dick? Yeah. The good dick will, excuse me, it'll shrivel. And it'll start, it'll get old. Because those are just chemicals.

And the chemicals are going to wear off. And what you're left with is the, you know, is the other stuff. It's the stuff after sex that you want to get stimulated by. So the goal, and I'm talking to myself right now is to find, is to find both too. I'm sure it's, I know it's out there for you. You're young.

You're so young. You got so much time. I think we're all in agreement that these guys are probably not your guys. So you just have to decide which one you want to see if there's, you might get surprised about. Yeah. I don't, I don't know if Justin agrees or not.

I think if you were to pick one right now if you were to force me to say nick who should i pick i would go with the hottie only because it sounds like you are convinced that you're just and not just correct me if i'm wrong but it's maybe not just about the sex with the brain stimulation when you see him you're just like it's not that into it well often they go hand in hand i mean brain stimulation when you see him you're just like it's not that into it well often they go hand in hand i mean brain stimulation and like you know he would be so much more attractive if if yeah there was more there you were more comfortable with him i agree with you actually yeah and i just wonder if maybe the guy you like having sex with

could get to that point where you might have some conversations. You're just not even bothering to go there because this other guy's filling the role. He probably won't. Yeah. But if you were to pick one, I would see if maybe that guy might surprise you and then let the brainiac go. And then maybe in a couple months if, you know. Also, good sex is rare. It's nice to find that.

There's nothing wrong with just like indulging in that for a little bit especially when you're out of like a serious relationship where i'm guessing you know there wasn't as much of that toward the end and like you know get your freak on why not life is short look what we're look how we're living that i mean just enjoy it it's a beautiful part of life yeah i agree also wait that brings me to one last question how do you break up with people that you're not like actually dating or that you're not like in a relationship i'm tapping out of this one guys are really bad guys are worse than women we're just we just what we do is try to get you to end it with us that's the gentleman's breakup yeah that's that's called

the gentleman's breakup that you kind of like that's what i should do no don't don't do that no it's not good no but it is a thing to do is like to kind of slowly pull away and like present certain obstacles so that you make them do it. You make them do the hard work, which is really selfish. Yeah, guys suck. Yeah, guys do suck. Girls do that sometimes. I mean, you guys have your own things. You guys are no walk in the park.

I would be just honest. I know it's hard it's hard to be honest but uh it's it'll feel so good to just be like look here's where i'm at i'll tell you what it'll probably make both relationships better you know it'll make the sex honesty makes i really i know it sounds cliche i think it makes everything better it really does just be honest it'd be weird it might be weird especially if they're more invested it's strange to see like a hunk cry you might not want to try like if you're gonna break up with the brainiac just be

like this is not working for me and i started dating someone else yeah that's fine just say that and let him go now yeah he's a lot more attractive than you just say that physically but it's purely physical just let him know that it's purely sexual and physical i don't like having sex with you don't don't don't that'll just hurt him uh but the small like the the one you have like having sex with i would i agree with justin if you're like hey i here's where i'm at i like you i definitely want to see it where it's going sex with you is amazing every guy likes to hear that but i think you you can tell him like, I want to, I want, for me,

the next step, what this is missing is I want to talk more about life or whatever it is, you know, get him to make that attempt, right? Because maybe he's this, he might just be more of a chill guy. It doesn't mean he's not capable of doing that.

I don't know. But when you're, you know, when sex is good and when you're like, that's when you're most comfortable after sex, you know, when sex is good and when you're like, that's when you're most comfortable after sex, you know, it's been good. She's probably clearly very happy afterwards. Aren't you kind of like you're most comfortable?

And isn't that the time to just kind of be funny and be yourself? Yeah. And if he's not doing that, like, I don't know. I don't know if it's going to. Well, is it? Is it? Is it just? Well, that's what I'm wondering.

Is he funny? Does he make you laugh? Is there anything other than the sex that you like about him yeah like he really is like a perfectly adequate guy like okay not your guy i told you he wasn't my guy yeah well like if you seem pretty certain he's not your neither of them your guy so i would just ride out the sex enjoy it while it's there there's nothing wrong with perfectly adequate you know and uh and when the when the guy who's trying like break up with the one and then the guy you want to keep having sex with just be honest with them it's like i'm i'm fine i mean guys have said this to women all the time it's like hey we can keep doing what're doing, but I don't really want to take it any further.

And if you're fine with doing what we're doing, I'm fine with doing it too. He might love it. No, well, he'll fall in love with you is what he'll do. You might really fuck him up. Right. But you are being honest. Because if we learn anything from The Bachelor,

the male ego is incredibly powerful. Yeah. I mean, it compels people to do crazy things she just wants to have sex with me but that's it he will you got to present in a way that's not going to give either of them a complex too that's kind of important because you got to have to manage them now too see i'm such a middle child you don't want to you don't want like the um i'm going to call him a brainiac i'm sure you don't want the brainiac to think he's inadequate it's actually

we're being hyperbolic yeah yeah and then you don't want the hunkiest of hunks to think that he doesn't have a brain I don't know it's kind of a balancing act

but you seem like a very empathetic smart person so I'm sure you'll you'll be great but the biggest takeaway is I don't think

there's any reason that you should feel any guilt for just like living it up. Be a little selfish right now. Like you're not hurting any of these guys. You know, they'll be fine.

Okay. And when you have sex, wear a mask. Well, one of them's had COVID already before we started dating. So he's like the safest person I could be. So he has antibodies. Yeah. I mean, theoretically. Which one?

Yeah. Which one? The hot one. Definitely stick with that. Because he was probably out going to bars getting COVID because he wasn't using the brain. He had a lot of exposure. Yes, it makes sense. It all checks out. It all makes sense.

I think, yeah, I think it's okay to be casual about this. Maybe it's probably time to let one go. Yeah. Who in the movie, let's say, The Outsiders, does he look most like? Which one, the hot one? Yeah, in the cast of The Outsiders. It's like, he's like...

Rob Macho? Derry with a beard. Matt Dillon? Who's Derry? Derry with a beard. Matt Dillon? Who's Derry? No. Swayze. Oh, Swayze with a beard? What?

Keep him! Oh, my God, yeah. Oh, bang away. Swayze with a beard? Yeah. Rob's a good beard. Is it? So he's not just...

Swayze. So is it just about the sex, or he's just so hot that you're just like... Aren't you so curious to meet him? Yeah, I want to see his face. I want to meet him. I want to talk to him. I'll send him your way when we get further along in our process. I think really, just really try to have some,

ask him some mentally stimulating questions. Try to have the conversations you're having with the other guy and see if he can even keep up. Okay. And if not, have sex with them for a while and then okay i don't know i always think like if if it's i look back at like relationships and it's the one the the one that i've really been myself with the one that i've been able to relax laugh be comfortable totally it's not always necessarily like the smartest one or the safe yeah that goes on that's yeah it goes along yeah like you can be yourself and not worry about what they're constantly thinking about you that's and the nice thing to know kelly is that you said it yourself it probably not maybe not either of them but as long as you're not putting pressure on

yourself and you're having fun if this is the time. God knows we all should be having fun. Just out of curiosity, who ended the marriage? Me. Yeah, I was going to guess that. Yeah. Because you seem like you have this kind of sense of you really want to find your person. And I would have guessed that your marriage was just

probably you got married a little early and it kind of was more on cruise control. And then you kind of took the brave. Yeah. Like you left and he was fine with cruise control. Yeah. So Kelly. Nick, you're so good. So that's what I'm saying is don't fall into the same trap.

Yeah. You know, like. Perfectly adequate. Be selfish. Don't go for, don't fall into the same trap you know like perfectly selfish don't go for addict don't settle i mean you know settle in 10 years but i'm just kidding you're super young and the fact that you had the courage to do that with a marriage means that you're i'm sure more than equipped to do it with like some casual thing yeah to tell people yeah if you can end a marriage you can break up with the other guy. Do anything. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah.

Awesome. All right. Well, get back to class. Okay. Best of luck. Thank you, guys. Let us know how it goes. Thanks, Kelly.

Okay. All right. Take care. Thanks. So nice to meet you guys. Woo. Truffle oil. Hot sauce.

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and vibrant in the morning. I also drink it before and after workouts because you can never be too hydrated. And sometimes drinking the appropriate amount of water is just goddamn exhausting. But thank God for liquid IV. It's like drinking two to three times the amount of water you need to stay hydrated. It's got a bunch of vitamins, like vitamin C. It's got potassium in it. More potassium than a banana. No artificial flavors, no preservatives, less sugar than an apple. And I love juice. I do.

But there's so much sugar in juice. And Liquid IV tastes like juice without the sugar. It's like, need I say more for all you juice drinkers out there? And they've got new flavors, Nick. New flavors. I still love them. love and juicy guava crisp watermelon apple pie for the holidays baby that's right also they're doing great things in response to covid 19 products are being donated to hospitals first responders food banks veterans

active u.s military over three million servings in total so far so you're supporting a great company with a great cause and hydrating your body at the same time. Liquid IV is available nationwide at Walmart in the beverage section, or you can get 25% off when you go to liquidiv.com and use code V-I-A-L-L at checkout. That's 25% off anything you order when you use promo code V-I-A-L-L at liquidiv.com. Get better hydration today at liquidiv.com, promo code V-I-A-L-L. How's it going? Hi, I'm Brittany, 29 years old. Hi, Brittany.

How can we help? Well, first of all, thanks for having me on today. I'm a big fan of both of you guys. Thanks for calling in. Thanks, Brittany. I listen to this podcast a lot on drives for therapy, for relationship advice. And I have definitely taken some of the things you have told other callers into consideration in my own life.

And recently I've been going through a lot and I just had a, I don't know, maybe like a feeling like I wanted to reach out and get your advice because I feel like you have a lot of experience with different types of relationship issues that people call in about. And maybe you can give me a little bit of advice on how to kind of handle what I'm going through. I'll do my best. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So I have been dating a guy for about four months, probably like officially, exclusively, whatever you want to call it for like a month, but we've spent a lot of time together. And in those four months, I was also taking care of my father who was very sick from a liver disease.

I'm sorry. And, you know, it was a lot of ups and downs at home with my dad. Some days he would be good. Some days he wasn't, he wasn't so good. So that would obviously affect me emotionally. And I did my best to deal with it. So the guy I was seeing, he lives about an hour and a half away. So I would drive there to see him. He would drive here to see me. Well, then in the last two weeks of my father's life, he went into hospice care. And so I spent most of my days in the hospital with him visiting.

And in the evenings during those two weeks, I was having to drive to stay at my boyfriend's house almost every other night. And he wasn't able to come and stay with me during those two weeks because he was opening a new business and he had a lot going on with his job and whatever else was keeping him busy. So it was just a lot, you know, physically, emotionally. I was dealing with a lot, but also needing that comfort and that company of his. So I just would do it. I would just drive and not really try to argue about it or whatever, would do it. I would just drive and not really try to argue about it or whatever, because I just needed someone to be there, you know, with me. So I did that. And then the night that he passed away,

the nurse or the hospice company called me and told me that they were pretty sure he was going to pass away. And if I wanted to come and like say goodbye, I could, but they, I mean, I had FaceTimed with him a couple of times and the condition he was in and not being able to go in there and see him those two weeks because of coronavirus. I mean, not just a couple of days before he passed away, they had kind of quarantined him and I wasn't allowed to actually go in and see him. So I would FaceTime with him. And then the day that they said I could come and say goodbye, you know, it was only like 15 minutes and he looked terrible and he wasn't able to speak.

And so I made the decision on my own to not go because I was alone and my family wasn't here. So I stayed with my boyfriend. And about 4 a.m. that morning, I get a call, you know, being told he passed away and just kind of going through those emotions. Well, my boyfriend woke up with me, stayed with me, kept me, you know, as calm as he could. And it wasn't, it wasn't as bad as I guess I had anticipated it to be because it was kind of like a relief. And he passed on and he wasn't suffering anymore. And so I spent quite a few days with my boyfriend after that, before the funeral and everything and things were going great. Well, then just last week, you know, he had a lot going on with his new business and I was trying to kind of keep my mind off things and help him and do a lot

for him and just be there for him. And it just felt like I was giving 95% and he was giving 5%. And I've kind of had those feelings before the death happened. And during the other times, like when I was dealing with a lot and it just got, I think I got to a breaking point. And this was like three days ago now. And when I wrote this email, I was contemplating breaking up with him. And since then, I have actually broken up with him and just trying not to contact him and trying to just move forward. But for me, my question was, you know, I have dated guys longer than this, and I've been

in way more serious relationships than this before, but something feels different about this one. And it just is really, really, really hard for me to let go of it. And I wonder if that's because of like the trauma that I kind of had with him, or do you think it's just, I know I had a very, very strong, like connection with him and it, maybe it was just like the chemistry or maybe it was more than that that but I don't know if it's because I missed the way he made me feel in all those times I needed comfort or I miss or or is it because of what I went through when he was there with me that's such a good question I don't know if are you equipped to have you dealt with major loss? I haven't. Yeah. So I'm so sorry. I've been fortunate so far that I haven't had to deal with any major loss like that. But as far as your relationship, it sounds to me like with everything you've dealt with,

you've been able to have a pretty clear head about the possibilities of your feelings you seem very in tuned with your feelings or or at least you know you are open to considering oh you know how you feel how is this affecting me you know things like that where it would be it would be fair even if you didn't you know what i'm saying it would be fair having dealt with a tragedy to just respond emotionally with however you're feeling because it's hard to process those feelings. But you seem to be almost hyper-intuned. And I guess I don't have answers of what he meant to you or this guy.

But I think the biggest thing that you said about this relationship is it felt like you were doing 95 and he was doing five. That's not even like 60, 40 or 70, 30. That's a drastic thing, right? So it does seem safe to assume that it would just, it would be like when you having not have dealt with that and I've dealt with emotional stresses with my family, and even with that.

Like I remember a long time ago, my mom had some pretty serious surgery, and she's fine now, but it was serious, and it was scary at the time. And I just liked having someone to talk to. It's just nice to have those people. So the fact that he was there, right, makes a lot of sense that you have that connection. For me, it sounds to me that the fact that he was there right makes a lot of sense that you have that connection

for me it it sounds to me that the fact that you were able to end this relationship despite him being there for you despite this i think says a lot about deep down you knew that you probably deserved better in a relationship you deserve someone who was willing to give you more than five percent of their time. Especially in the wake of such a loss. I mean, if I were with somebody and they were dealing with this, they were struggling with this, trying to navigate these crazy uncharted waters of losing a parent, that's when you kind of have to step up and be...

That should be an inverse ratio. He should be giving 95%. And you should be okay. He should be an inverse ratio he should be giving 95 yeah and you should be okay he should be okay with you giving less totally and he sounds like he was just not a total asshole because he was yeah he was there and yeah like you can come by you can spend the night right but like i mean i'd be driving i i don't know it's it's yeah it's an hour and a half and i would be driving that that's crazy in the evenings and then coming back in the mornings. That's crazy.

And sometimes when my dad actually was still living with me and he wasn't able to get up or anything, I would have to hire someone to stay with him so I could go see my boyfriend. No, that's – you're intellectualizing it and I think you're – and it makes total sense and that's the only thing i can do in this with with your predicament is we can both intellectualize it and and you you say things like you're dealing with a loss so so perhaps having somebody there solidified the relationship or but but i think the most important thing is just how you're feeling right now and to honor those feelings and it sounds like you're definitely feeling like he is not the person that you're supposed to be with. I mean, he doesn't sound like he's really showing up in a way that a true partner should in a time like that. And that says a lot. Think about like the rest of your life.

Think about like if you have kids or any other tragedy. I mean, that's a real litmus test for a relationship. That's what I was about to say. Just imagine like, yeah, you have kids with a with a guy whatever problems like this is how he approaches like yeah you know serious problems where he doesn't necessarily step up and it doesn't really matter that you guys just started dating you know yeah like true if anything that might be that's that's kind of like the time where you really are you You overdo it. You know? Like, I'm going to show her how amazing I am.

Best foot forward. You lose the energy and five years later. There was a point, like, three, I think it was like two and a half-ish months in where we were having some issues just in me, like, kind of questioning, like, where we stood. me like, like kind of questioning like where we stood. And, and to be honest, like in a normal time in my life, I really wouldn't be sitting there asking someone like, what is this? But I think that I knew that my dad was going to die soon. And I basically came to him in person and we were having a conversation about what I was going through. And I said, look, I can feel it. I know it's going to happen soon. I'm just telling you now, like, if you want to get out of this, get out now, because I didn't want to go through the death and the grieving and then him leave me in the middle of it. I remember in that moment, he said,

well, I don't know how you're going to handle it or how I'm supposed to help you in that moment, but I do not plan on leaving you and I don't want to lose you. So like I'm here, I'm in it, I'm staying. How did he handle the breakup? Yeah. So basically how it happened. I mean, he's very bad about talking on the phone and talking in person. I guess he's just not confrontational.

And so he always texts me things. That's kind of how our relationship has gone. And I told him many times, like, I really hate texting all the time when we have a serious conversation. Can we just talk on the phone? Like just five minutes. And he basically, I drove in to help him with his grand opening. Then afterwards, he told me I was going to come and eat with everyone after. Well, then he calls me later and says, hey, you think you could just go wait at my house for me while I go eat with the guys and I'll come home after? And I was like, okay, well, I'm going to go eat because I haven't eaten, right? And then eventually I was just kind of like thinking about it, like, okay,

I'm not even going to his house. I'm not going to see him tonight. I'm just going to go and stay at my friend's. So I go stay at my friend's house. Don't talk to him all day the next day, waiting for him to text me or call. And then he just sends me a text that evening and says, guess we're done with. Hope you had a great day. How old is he? 29.

Hey, man, just me. Listen, he's just really selfish. He's just a really selfish guy. Not the same emotionally. Yeah. And we can all be selfish, but you never want to date someone that you have to constantly point out how selfish they're being because real selfish people never know because if you're really selfish he's thinking i have to do this this is my opening store how can you not be supportive of my like

that's selfish people like never take the time and go wait hold on am i only thinking about myself right now yeah and that's what he's doing and when he says things like no i'll never leave you or whatever i want to be with you he's saying because you know he said i don't want you to leave me i don't want you to leave me yeah or like something like that i don't think he said i don't want to leave you what did he he say? I'm not planning on leaving. I don't plan on leaving. Like that was what he said. So what he's telling you is I will date you and you can date me on my terms.

Yeah. Like this is how I'm going to go about my life. This is my schedule. This is what I want to do. Yeah. Feel free to fit in. But I won't sacrifice. But yeah,

I won't. Yeah. And, and as, as Justin said earlier, nothing was more apparent than while you were dealing with your father dying that he didn't feel any pressure to step up above and beyond. It was still more like,

I will do just enough so your friends can't accuse me of being a total asshole. Like, I will wake up in the middle of the night when you get the call so you can cry on my shoulder there he was there yeah but what do you have driven like had you not been together right what do you feel like i'll be there in an hour and a half because that's what like a loving boyfriend would do when they're you know when their girlfriend doesn't feel like a sacrifice when you really love somebody and you do stuff like that, it doesn't feel like you're being put out.

No. Or it just feels natural. You're like, please let me come over. It feels good. When they're like, no, no, I'm fine. I'll be okay. You're like, I'm not asking for your permission. I will be there.

Totally. That's what you deserve. That's what everyone deserves. Is somebody who's going to be selfless when it comes to your condition. And your condition was really... I mean, that's got to be a low point in a life is to deal with that and he should have been stepping up like and it sounds like he was doing the bare minimum and that's a real limit that's like that reveals such a truth about that person

you know that is it's so good that he revealed that it's so good that he didn't like that he didn't put on any sort of act and like you know go against his instinct and step up in a way that was unnatural for him because you got to see who he really was anyone when they're trying to have sex with you can like say whatever and like be the knight in shining armor but that's a real moment of truth and that revealed who he was and you got to see it and so you don't waste any more time with somebody like that. Yeah, you're right. I know. I'm just struggling with like the post breakup. But here's the thing. While you're struggling with it, I think you need to take some time.

And like what Justin just said is I think you should give yourself a lot of credit. Right. I think you shouldn't discount how hard this was for you to do in a time where it would have been so easy for you to just be like you know what ride it out fuck it yeah i'm just gonna hang out with this guy because i don't feel alone and deep down i know i deserve better most people do that that's what people do they people people do that all the time in far easier situations and you were able to like still consider what you deserve in a time where it would have been so easy for you to just dismiss and i think you should give yourself a lot of

credit for that and that should make you feel really good really brave about yourself your dad would have been proud of that your dad your dad wouldn't want you to settle for a guy like that who's not going to show up you know that's he he showed up i bet for you and that's an example of a man that you should really try to find. And you will find. Yeah. Because you recognize it deep down. Thank you.

I appreciate what you said. I think you should definitely feel pride. And I think that's a good thing, especially when you feel sad or alone. Any breakup's hard. I mean, you could have two strangers like us rationalizing this and giving you encouragement. And I think you're totally right nick but you know it's another thing to be in it and to be like day to day having to like look at the phone and i'm sure he's texting and you know it's fucking hard it's always hard to go totally wake up especially when you feel

that loneliness you get sad yeah and he you know he'll send a text what would feel like the worst possible time he'll apologize manipulate but don't believe it he already showed himself yeah i would stick to your guns and ride it out it'll get easier and easier that as the days go by just kind of take it easy on yourself you know and and again i think it's really important for you to constantly remind yourself that what you did was really hard and you deserve a lot of credit like feel free to give yourself a lot of credit people giving themselves bullshit credit all the time. You have the right to be like, you know what?

Good for me. Yeah. You know? You are like weathering. When people say you do such a great job or you did so much for your father, like, it just never felt like I was doing enough. You know? It's hard to, like, accept compliments.

Well, now is the time to be to say thank you and without and you're clearly not a cocky area like just you you're allowed to say you're allowed to feel pride and i think pride for yourself pride for the way you um take care of your dad and pride for like what you deserve going forward and uh i think that will make it easier despite i'm sure you'll like justin said it's going to be hard and you'll get sad and if you'll feel lonely uh i think that will make it easier despite i'm sure you'll like justin said it's going to be hard and you'll get sad and if you'll feel lonely but i think that'll help you through it just remember your self-worth remember because it's you're worth a lot more than whatever this guy is is uh showing thank you so much i'm so excited i got to talk to y'all today thanks

britney britney thanks so much real real pleasure talking to you you too have a good day all right take care wow man that is fucking brave yeah strong person how's it going hey it's christina i'm 25 um so basically my question is i've been with my boyfriend for two and a half years um we basically we have a good relationship but of course i mean i always hear this all the time we have a good relationship but of course I mean I always hear this all the time we have a good relationship but every time we get into an argument we he kind of basically gives the one and all we're breaking

up so this kind of started in the beginning of the year December 31st. Does he actually break up with you or is it just like a threat? I mean in my heart I feel like he's breaking up with me, but they end up being threats. Um, so what happened was like new years, he broke up with me because I was sick. I was sick and, um, I wasn't able to spend time with him on the holiday so he he wanted me to come over to his house so he could take care of me but i couldn't move so he was just like this is it

we're done how old is this guy i'm sorry he's 25 is he a despot or like some uh tyrant of a third world nation no no i i that would be i mean um i know it's really extreme i i don't know why i did i mean i regret i you know ran back to him on day three yeah uh begged for him thought i was in the wrong uh then you know we worked on it and then april uh you know covet happened the pandemic we. And then April, you know, COVID happened, the pandemic. We didn't see each other for a while, maybe three months. He unfortunately got COVID. And he wanted me to come over to his house. So he got sick?

He got sick, yes. Now the tables have turned. So then he won. The tables have turned, which I have told him. What a bizarre thing even to be like, you got sick. You know, I can't judge you though, Christy, because a similar thing happened to me once. I mean, I was in your position.

Really? Yeah. You know, some people, and I explored this with the person that this happened to, some people have, I'm curious where, did you ever explore where that reaction came from? Because some people have an issue with sickness and it's a sign of weakness. They assign certain feelings to it from their childhood, whether or not when they were sick, the parents neglected them. It might be something like that.

You know, I did notice that we and him have very different ideas on how to love each other yeah uh he his idea of love is basically if i'm sick or hit he's sick or whatever the case is um we should drop we should he should we should be able to drop anything because our love for you know my love for him should be that great where I should just drop anything. And then I don't believe in that. I just feel like we should. I mean, if you really love me, you wouldn't put me in the position of choosing. It's not very loving.

Yeah. Is he very close with his mother? Yeah. Yeah. So this is so then what happened was COVID happened. I didn't come in. I didn't go to his house because obviously I didn't want to risk my family who I live with for them to get COVID. And, you know, his mom called me, asked me to come, which is funny that you actually mentioned the question. I didn't end up going.

But then over the summer, he actually had like long lasting effects of covid so he has like gastrointestinal issues now so now you know from time to time i go over on some weekends or not like to you know to just be there with him uh but now uh recently you know our relationship we basically like progressed like oh yeah he basically wanted to break up with me in april because i didn't do that we didn't talk for two weeks he didn't text me on my birthday i turned 25 this year um and then you know we he apologized and then now uh i haven't gone out at all during quarantine like i basically stay in my house, don't go to like dinners or whatever. And I went to a dinner this Sunday with my uncle and my family, you know, quarantine style, uh, social distancing, wearing a mask. Uh, you know, this is the first time I've ever gone out.

I, and I didn't tell him that I didn't communicate that with him. And he found out because he called me and I said, sorry, I'm with my family at dinner. And basically because I didn't communicate that with him, he wanted to break up with me. And then the reason, the overall reason why he ended up breaking up with me was because I didn't drop dinner with my family to go fix things with him. So I didn't go over to his house. Can I ask you a question? So I'm going to go back to New Year's Eve or the holidays. Did he break up with you because you were sick or did he break up with you because you wouldn't go to his house

and let him take care of you? Right. Yes. Okay, yeah. That was the reason. So this guy sucks. That's kind of, we all know. That's not really what you're calling for.

So we know that, right? But what he reminds me, like, listen, if I was trying to like empathize with him, he's just, what he really is, is he's incredibly immature emotionally. Stunned. Yeah. And so he's doing things like, you know,

a lot of us do earlier on, maybe not at 25, more like 18, right? Where we do things because we think this is what love means. Like when you're younger, like I'm going to take care of the person I love. And he's not, and you didn't let him do that. So he felt like, well, that's what, when we're in love, this is what we should do. He's decided all these things that he thinks mean to be in love, right? And when it doesn't happen, when you disappoint him, he's shaming you or breaking up with you or threatening you.

All of which have like, none of those things mean anything about love. But what doesn't mean love is like the shaming. What you don't do when you're in love is make someone feel guilty for hanging out with their family or not doing things and not meeting your expectations horrible that's not love right and then how he communicates him you know it's like he doesn't there's nothing worse than dating someone that you are afraid to disappoint because of how they react and that's what prevents you from being honest i kind of understand why you were because you could take if you take his side play devil's advocate and say well she didn't let him know that she went but it's like you shouldn't be afraid to be honest

with him and be like look i'm going you just said it to us yeah yeah you shouldn't exactly i've been in in like i think we've all been this is gonna sound i hope it doesn't sound condescending but when i hear things like that chrissy i just look back at some of the things i've been through when i was your age and i i wish i could go back and just know what i know now and if i could i think you did great like we could communicate to you like life is just too it's just too short to like put up with people like that it's it's sucking your energy and you have great energy and it's a great time in life to be 25. Yeah. And in fairness to him, I've done stuff like that to girls I've dated.

I've had that done to me, right? Some of it is a lot. It's just a lot of it is immaturity. 25, I feel like he shouldn't be this toxic about it. It's pretty drastic. It's very juvenile. Yeah. It's like, it's what you would do as a 16 year old.

You'd be like, hey buddy, you're 16. So you don't know this yet, but you're being a dick. Yeah. Or acting like a toddler. I think about my nephew. He's three. He does stuff like, they just act out. There's something very nakedly obvious about how he's behaving.

Yeah. I mean, I'm his, his it makes all it makes sense because i'm his like first girlfriend and two and a half years ago i knew i went into it having a feeling you know maybe from some encounters or first impressions you kind of figure it out but then you're like oh look it's not going to happen to me and then next you know you're two years in and you're like oh oh no. But yeah. So like the thing is that this is where I'm at. Cause I, on Monday he gave me a call.

He was like, it's over. And good. Take him up on it. So I went over to his house way to, to basically with his stuff in my bag, I was really pissed. I like through his clothes like basically i was just like i'm done like through his necklace like the necklace he gave me whatever and ring and i like marched off marched off and uh blocked him and i called the uber the uber was in front of me and i was like you know what maybe? Maybe I shouldn't be petty. And I unblocked him just to see what he would write.

And I ended up coming back to argue more. And then he ended up driving me home and we kind of left off like not at a good place because now he wants me for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's. Oh, lucky you. Spend it with him can i ask you arbor day is he planning that far ahead well i can ask you a question when was the last time you felt like an interaction with your boyfriend brought out the best in you like where you know

where you felt good that's a really good question i feel like i'm the worst i'm like this monday i was not proud of myself. Yeah, so you're doing things you said, like I felt petty. And I get it. He knows how to push your buttons. And in the empowerment, you're stuck in this situation. He's doing just enough to make you feel like you can work through it. We all make that problem.

The fixer. You can empathize with him it's addictive yeah you're you're addicted to that because it's also passion when you get angry that's a form of passion so so your brain gets tricked into thinking oh my god i'm it's it feels a little bit like love it's so close it's like love's neighbor you know it's it's a similar kind of chemical that that uh concoction but don't get fooled by it so then what do i tell myself like in in that moment like what do i do to just get in you just have to accept all right it's just about acceptance right you just have to accept that you can care about him you can love

him you can wish him the best but he's not your guy you can can't change him. And you can't change him. And you have to let it go, right? Because what you have is hope for him. You tell yourself things like, well, he means well, and I know he's a good person. And those all might be true, but you're never going to be, he'll never see the light and he'll never mature. He needs to jumpstart his maturity.

You know, like he needs to fast forward and it's never going to happen in a relationship. not with you i know it's so hard because you've invested i know the thought process like you've invested so much time but if you can take it from two old middle-aged men that there's so much time left like you have an abundance of time and i promise you you're gonna look back a year maybe two years from now, and just be so grateful that you got out of it. I promise you. I know it's so hard to see. And just know that the only person you can control is yourself.

So, like, you were complicit or you were – when you do things like, I unblocked him. I wanted to see what he would say. That's your ego. That's your stuff that you have to, you have to control. You have to fight that urge. Cause I get it. That's a powerful urge to like,

yeah, you know, this person so well, and you want to know what they want to say. And you want to keep fighting too. Cause that's it. You're addicted to that. Like you,

you have your own kind of toxic relationship with him and your own part that you played, which is fine. You just have to explore it and like, be strong. Maybe talk to somebody and talk to friends whenever you have that urge to like unblock him and to engage with him just do it with friends just just do a i like doing like a um role playing with friends like i wonder what would happen if i do this and you know if your friends are patient uh they'll they'll you don't want to exhaust their patience with it but i bet they'll be there for you so like let's let's say like okay so because i don't see us going through i don't see us going through like thanksgiving at all like i don't make i don't see us i don't see you going

through thursday i i don't see yeah i don't see each other i don't see us going through the weekend but all jokes aside i think this is a great time for you to end the relationship right because the holidays are coming up and because it what it will be it will be hard for you you're gonna be sad like thanksgiving will be the day we're like oh god it would have been nice to have him here in christmas but if you can get through it you get to new year's eve yeah and you're gonna you'll you'll survive it i know we know you will yeah despite some like moments of like loneliness and sadness you'll you'll feel you'll, you'll survive it. I know, we know you will. Despite some like moments of like loneliness and sadness, you'll, you'll feel come January, you'll be over it. Here's what'll surprise you.

You'll have moments in fact, where you'll be like, you'll, you'll, you'll catch yourself enjoying yourself and not feeling shame and just being with your family, people who support you and you'll catch yourself and you'll be in that part of your brain that needs to fight and engage. We'll be like, oh, wait a minute, but I miss him. But you don't. You just miss the toxicity. You're addicted to it.

Toxic stimulation. Yeah. It's addictive. And every time you feel lonely, to Justin's point, just be like, you know what I'm really happy I'm not doing right now? Explaining myself. Yes. I'm not having to like justify normalcy. Yeah.

You know? myself yes i'm not i'm not having to like justify normalcy yeah you know i'm hanging out with my uncle and not feeling weird that i've been texting him and knowing that there's a thing coming and that feeling of like oh this is fun but you're just gonna be like this is fun period yeah and then really remember to enjoy those moments wow this is fun it's rare it should it shouldn't be rare but it's it's life is so beautiful that way that you get to have those. All right. I agree. Well, it sounds like your head's in the right space.

You know where you're at. You just got to do it and you can feel good about it and have a great holiday guilt-free. Yeah. Shame-free holiday. Guilt-free, yeah. I agree. Shame-free holidays. Okay, well, yeah.

Maybe the title of this episode. Yeah, they should all be. They're here. All right. Take care. How's it going? I'm good. How's it going? I'm good. What's your name?

My name is Vanessa. How old are you, Vanessa? I am 31. All right. How can we help? So I have been in a relationship for nine months. Okay. And as of three weeks ago, we just stopped talking.

I'm not really sure who ghosted who or what exactly happened. All I know is that he hasn't reached out. I haven't reached out and we just are not speaking right now. Weird. What precipitated that? Was there any event? Yeah. So we got into a small fight about something really stupid.

He was kind of pulling back and then I just let him pull back. I wanted to see if he would come back. He didn't. And that was kind of it. Can I ask you something, Vanessa uh this is grantham i'm 23 um and then i was justin uh 42 um did had he been kind of like up until that had he been acting a little bit differently not quite as affectionate maybe not texting with as much regularity. Had he been kind of pulling back subtly? So a little bit, I mean, we've gone

in our nine month relationship, we had two separate breakups. Um, and I feel like after each breakup, it kind of was just like pulling back a little bit more, but I will say he's like always been super attentive. Like he's been really great about like calling and FaceTimes and we hang out. So like multiple, multiple times a week. Um, what was the,

I feel like, sorry, what, what was the cause of those breakups? Um, he would get mad when I would go out with my friends. Um, he didn't, he doesn't really like doing things. I tried planning like a trip for us to just like go for a drive somewhere after being quarantined for so long. Um, and he just didn't want to do any of those things. And he's very

happy sitting on his couch and doing nothing. And don't get me wrong, I love those nights. They're so, so fun. But I also need to do something. So mine is trying to figure out why he's not calling you. I'm actually curious, A, two questions for you. Why don't you call him? And B, why, if any reason, would you want to continue to try to make this relationship work right i didn't reach out to him because i don't want to chase him like i said i'm

31 i feel like i feel like at this point in my life like i need to be with someone who wants to be with me like i can't i could i could do the dance of you know chasing after him and saying let's do this please take me back or whatever like let's try and make things work but i don't know i i guess the reason i didn't reach out is because i wanted to see if he would come to me okay and he hasn't that makes sense but my only concern for that situation it's like it's great that you wanted to be chased but like why did you want him to chase you right because if he was like if he's like oh babe vanessa i love you and i'm chasing you i just want you to know how much i want to be with you and how much you mean to me on my couch and by the way i hate

it when you go out and have fun with your friends anytime. You know what I'm saying? Like, what is that? What you want? You know, because you get what I'm saying? Yeah, I think that I think that I've had some doubts and I wasn't sure if I was just being crazy. Maybe I was just looking too much into things. So I just wanted to see like if I did pull back, would he come to me? And if not, like maybe I'm not testing the waters.

Yeah. It's a little game play on your part. But I think to me, I think it's a huge red flag in any relationship. Unless he has a legitimate reason for not liking your friends or something like that. But I think it's a real red flag where someone doesn't let you have your independence and has a problem with you kind of having your own hobbies and having your own friends.

I mean, there's variables to that. You know what I'm saying? He could come back and be like, oh, well, I don't know but like short of some being some weird reasons like you should have friends like and you should be able to have your girls night on a somewhat regular basis especially as you continue in the relationship it's going to be that much more important yeah just did he offer a reason why did he rationalize why wouldn't he want you to hang out with your friends i honestly have no idea i think he might get a little insecure i think that the friends that i'm going out with happen to all be single so maybe he gets a little insecure in that sense but yeah i mean i've asked him so many times like come out with us my friends always you know want

him to be around my friends want the best for me so you know yeah i mean it's to me this sounds like a guy who there was a lot of things you liked about him you know and it was nice while it lasted but it's all this has only been nine months right there's too much you don't like about him and and just your compatibility this is to me this is like you guys just aren't compatible yeah isn't that kind of the shitter get off the time is it nine do we only say like nine ten months it's like when the chemicals start to kind of fade yeah i mean i guess i don't know but that would make sense yeah so like it just maybe from his point of view too maybe that's why it's easier

for him at this point to pull back because he's like uh maybe he's not as into it either it sounds like it sounds like a good time to move on to me like nine months is not that long to have invested but yeah i mean but guess what i'm just trying to drive home the point is because he hasn't called i'm concerned for you to have most of your thoughts and energy trying to figure out why he hasn't called you and then have that kind of fuck with your ego right and have you try to like and and and then so if he does get bored enough which he will probably and he does reach out that will just feed your ego so much that you will be inclined to want to listen and ignore the fact that he didn't like you hanging out with your friends or wouldn't go out with you and your friends and just wasn't any kind of as adventurous as you are and that's fine if he's

more of a homebody no shame to homebodies that's not that's not not as you are. And that's fine if he's more of a homebody. No shame to homebodies. Respect. That's not who you are. This has been nine months. He's only going to get more lazy and more comfortable and more kind of into the way he wants to do things. He's not going to get more adventurous, right? And that, to me, seems more of the bigger issue

as far as you're concerned with this guy. So, you know what I'm saying? Like, I don't want you to fall victim to him doing the chasing and he chases you and he makes you feel wanted only for you to realize, well, not you've chased me. Yeah. And now I'm 32. You know, the thing, Vanessa, you said about being 31 and knowing that not you don't want to play games. You don't want to do this dance. I think is how you put it. I would apply that to other aspects of this relationship. Like Nick said, I would apply that mindset to, you know, him in its, this relationship in its entirety, not just certain aspects of it. Yeah. I think that Nick, you said it earlier, like there were so many parts that were so great and prior to this

relationship i'd been single for seven years okay um so that's important right and so you recognize that it was this nice to like i thought i had a drought yeah wow i know it was nice to i know it's crazy but but you must know. Yeah, exactly. It was nice. What did you like about him? What was good? Just to give him the benefit of the doubt. Yeah. I mean, in the beginning, like I said, he was so attentive. Like, there were no games in the beginning.

It was just very, he was like, I am all into you. And he wanted to hang out all the time. And in the past, like, I've kind of picked up from guys when they're like not so interested and then I kind of pull back. But with this, like he was all in from the beginning and then quarantine hit and we hung out, you know, every single day.

So it was great in the beginning, but I think that you're right that now that we're at this like nine, 10 month mark's you know you're kind of you're starting to see the real yeah person yeah what he really likes what he likes to do for fun and it's and what you really like what you really want i mean the chemicals are nice and fun and you touch each other and that's nice but you know they fade that wears off it's only going to get more exhausting for you guys to get frustrated at each other for things that you just have a difference in opinion in terms of like your resting state, so to speak.

And he's more of a homebody. You're a little bit more outgoing and adventurous. And it's just going to be a drag to be like, oh God, just come on, man. It's also the insecurity of not wanting her to be with her friends totally that's yeah that's a weird thing and because you had the the gap in your dating life you're giving this relationship a little bit too much you're hanging on to something that you know you had the enjoyment but just because putting too much stock in it i i don't

know like this gap that you had was it do you feel like it was just i mean i'm assuming a lot of had to do with the fact that you just didn't connect and you didn't like a lot of the other guys you went on dates with yeah i just i think i'm a little bit picky i think i need to have like a lot in common with someone i think i was doing the whole app thing and sometimes that doesn't really work out I don't know they were just like a lot of so now I'm just nervous yeah but I'm just saying don't let that don't let that discourage you from getting back out there it might not take I probably won't take another seven years I'm I'm pretty confident and uh and also like maybe you don't know like

you're you're 31 now like 24 I'm think it's great time to be single 24 to 30 i mean yeah you did it right i wish you know yeah i yeah i i was i sounds like i was a monogamous person in my 20s too and i don't like i had i did it wrong in a sense yeah it's time to explore so um yeah you're only 31 i only 31 it's better to do it now while i still have some single friends before that oh that's a great that's a great point vanessa like it's it's that's true all your friends are single you gotta it's it's much harder you know and not that you take it from me vanessa um your friends are going out you know you have reason like just you can swap stories

maybe even boyfriend i mean i'm just kidding yeah um but yes get freaky get open um it makes it easier to have single friends and then you never know like you meet their friend and you end up dating their friend and you know that's how you meet your next guy it just meet it's easier to meet people when you have single friends or just things like that. You got plenty of time. Don't waste that time. Yeah. Yeah.

I think this relationship is over anyways, but I think the big thing is your state of mind, right? Don't let the fact that he hasn't called you have you cannibalize your energy and thought process just because you haven't heard from him. That's a good point you know so like just be okay with the fact that like he made it easier for you the alternative is you realizing he's not your guy and now you have to go through this awkward breakup and like hurt his feelings and see him cry yeah now you don't have to do that it's kind of nice yeah it's kind of like your ego's a little pissed right now because your ego's like what the fuck you're amazing. Why hasn't he chased you?

And you don't really want him to chase you. But Vanessa, who goes out with her friends and has fun and is herself, she's fine. She's in a good place. Take a vacation. She's in a good place. She's in a good place 80% of the time.

But I think- That's pretty good. The other 20. Fine. But that 20% will get less and less the more time you get away from this guy. Listen, no one likes, no one likes to have someone they care about feeling different about them.

It's the worst, right? And the fact that he hasn't called you and he hasn't reached out, you're, it's just fucking with your ego. Yeah. But you haven't, think of all the things,

like you have all these reasons why you, you haven't reached out to him and you like he could, just think of all the things, like you have all these reasons why you haven't reached out to him. And you like, he could, just because he's the guy doesn't mean he can't be thinking the exact same thing. Well, she hasn't reached out to me. So that's justification for ego. The important thing is, is that even if he did call, you'd still have the same problem

that you had before, which is, you guys, this might not be that compatible. There's a reason why people play those shitty games because they work. Those games work. That psychologically, they're really powerful when you don't hear from someone. And it creates this false sense that you like them more than you really do. Just but remember like how you felt when he was getting shitty when you were out with your friends. Remember like how he made you feel like you couldn't really be present with your friends.

The worst. No one should. You shouldn't have to. You're 31. You shouldn't have to go through that shit with your partner, with somebody who you're in love with. It's bullshit. You're going to be okay.

Vanessa, do not reach out to him. And I think you should block them, block them because then you can, you don't give them a chance to reach out to you you know i think you yeah what's he gonna say at this point is he gonna short of apologizing for his insecurities short of like explaining his absence and his like the games he's playing and sort of really being like honest and like impressively honest and like saying

something that may kind of i don't see this guy doing that. And so why give him the chance to do anything less than that, which is what he'll do. And then keep in mind back to, even if he does, you're still back to the original problem is he doesn't like you hanging out with his friends. That's a huge issue. Yeah. You know, that's a maybe insurmountable issue. And it speaks volumes about how he'll behave in the future. If you guys end up, you you know making a go of things

yeah i think on top of that he doesn't like me hanging out with my friends i think sometimes he's okay with it normally he gives me like attitude for like two or three days and i'm like this is just the best case scenario is a petulant boy who like fine hang out it was like he got over me hanging out with my friends who I love after like 24 hours. He's really evolving. Nah, it's insane. That's crazy. Unless your friends are all assholes.

I think I was also kind of like, yeah. I think I was also kind of upset and like a little insecure that he never like invited me to his family dinners. He didn't do like any of that kind of stuff where I was like, oh, I really. That's what you need to be focusing on right now, Vanessa. In your notes, the only thing you're writing, if anything, is what you want for your next guy,

right? And, you know... And read about it, maybe treat it clinically, like read about the ego, read Freud and like how he said, read what the ego read up read freud and like that how he said read what the ego how compelling it is and um how to divorce yourself from it like nick was saying i it might help to to treat it like a little bit more clinically yeah i would say one thing i did listen to nick was um your attachment styles podcast and i think through that like i learned that he's like completely avoidant like he just wants to shut down and like not do anything and i'm a little bit more anxious so when he shuts down i'm like what's going on but then i end up becoming a little bit more avoidant that's great to understand it but don't let that be an excuse to be like well now i understand it now i can fix it right so like just be careful there like understanding him isn't it like oh now

yeah i can make like you can't change him doesn't work on yourself now that doesn't make it okay to not want you to hang out with his friends your your friends rather sorry yeah so i think it's just there's a lot of ego going on for you and then the seven year gap i think is playing a big role and why you're, you're hanging onto this a little bit more than you otherwise should. But I think the sooner you do, the sooner you get back out there and, and, uh, you know, have some fun dates. Okay.

So it's over. It's definitely over. And you should be happy about that. This is a good thing. Yeah. Don't mourn it. Don't give them any more time. Don't give him any more time. Don't give it any more energy.

Put that energy into cultivating other relationships and the ones that you already have with your friends. Make a long list of all the things he wasn't doing that are really normal things. Yeah. Yeah. Those are basic. Those are relationship 101s.

Just be psyched when your partner goes out with their friends and has a good time. That's like a 101. That's that's like yeah no i totally agree with you yeah all right well nice talking to you vanessa thanks for nessa thank you all right happy holidays you too bye-bye how's it going hi it's going good. My name is Emily and I'm 27. Hi Emily. How can we help? Oh, thanks. Okay, so basically like my childhood best friend moved away for like eight years and

she just moved back and we've like kept in touch, but like not really like just like a few times a year talking, but she moved back and we've been kept in touch, but like not really like just like a few times a year talking. But she moved back and we've been like hanging out a lot, like every day and seeing each other all the time. And I've like noticed that I've been like feeling like stronger feelings towards her than I would feel like towards my other friends. And basically, I've like never felt that before. Like I've always thought i was like into guys and i've been like freaking out and like googling how people know they're bisexual and it says that if you google that then you probably are oh that's funny that's so exciting first of all you seem like such a night warm nice person you seem like such a right like it's weird just even through

like a screen you can you have such a great energy uh i'm so excited for you you seem like such a, right? Like it's weird. Just even through like a screen, you can, you have such a great energy. I'm so excited for you. You seem like you, you've discovered, you unlocked something. Like there's a giddiness about you. That just seems like it comes only with like, maybe finding maybe love.

Maybe you found somebody that's could be a partner. It's exciting. She just got out of like a six year relationship. And so. You did or she did? No, she did. What was the name of

her girlfriend uh she was with a guy yeah wow wow but she does like she is like out as oh she is she likes girls oh she has okay okay that's half the battle right there that's great yeah um but basically i just like been freaking out and i don't know if I should tell her or like how to tell her or like what to do. You wrote in, you mentioned that you kind of had a night together where there was some affection shown. Yeah. So we got,

we got really drunk one night and like, she did say that she was like attracted to me. Great. And like, I thought, yeah, I'm trying to, where where's the what's the you've never done yeah yeah i must be it must be strange i'm terrified i haven't like told anyone

and i don't know like if i should tell her because she just got out of a relationship and i like don't know if like i don't want to like put pressure on her i guess how long ago did she get out of this thing like a month and a half ago you know she probably knew for a while toward the end it's not like it's not like the day before she got out of it she was like in love with this guy i'm sure it was like yeah and also like how is like how is she in general is she you know yeah is she like sulking coming to you for advice does she want to talk does she ever want to talk about her past relationship she's wounded um every once in a while she says that she'll just like get kind of sad and i um i actually told her about the breakup book thing oh did you yeah she did that

things where we just like there are these sayings i've done i just it's a book where i'm just like you're just supposed to write things that you just couldn't stand about your boyfriend or girlfriend. That's, that's because people have a way of kind of being like, I miss Sunday.

Oh my God. I forget all of the bad stuff. Yeah. Yeah. I know. And you forget all the bad stuff. You get a book and it's just the breakup book

of why I'm smart. So I record a lot. I do a lot of voice. But I don't think that she like, misses him like all the time or anything. But I'm curious specifically, other than saying she's sad, but does she come to you to want to talk about him? No.

Great. You know what I'm saying? Because with the friend, if I'm sad, every time I break up with a girlfriend and I was sad with her, I got broken up with her time i break up with a girlfriend and i was sad whether i got broken up with or i broke up with her that were women friends i had that i would just i wanted to talk about them i wanted to talk about the relationship and you know what i never had for those women's i want to talk about i i never had feelings for those women i wanted to talk about my exes with yeah they were just there so i could vent the fact that she doesn't want to talk about him with you is a good sign yeah that's true there weren't sexual or romantic feelings she

is talking about him if she's talking about him at all with someone else and the fact that she's not with you is it doesn't mean she's in love with you it definitely means that it's possible she's put you in a category where there's the potential for romance yeah otherwise she would yeah and she also so that's what i'm saying there's two answers to that question either she's over it and ready to date because you have a concern whether is it too soon and even if she's not what she isn't is she's separating you from like having to hear about the ex and and and so that it's weird for you she's keeping that separate and people do that subconsciously with people like they don't like they want to keep their options open with.

Your concern, it sounds like really is just like old fashioned. Does the person I like like me? Yeah. Wow. It's a great problem to have. It's scary. Yeah. As far as the you said, you're Googling things.

I don't think you need to put a label on anything. You know, whatever. Okay. You know, it's kind of just just just go after the whoever it is that you're attracted to and just and sexual attraction often will follow a a you know a deeper friendship attraction i think i mean i would imagine if you're saying you're like blush i mean i don't know what color you normally are but it seems to me like you are you have the kind of rouge color of someone

who is who's got butterflies has all those fun feelings of like being she's backlit and we're saying yes yeah yeah uh question when you guys got drunk was there any kissing or was it just cuddling and talking or like what how how many bases yeah we just we just like cuddled and talked and like i think she was maybe going. I was just like freaking out. Do you think there's any chance that she's already out as bisexual? Yeah. Have you even had a conversation with her?

So as far as she concerned, she might think you're just totally straight. Yeah. Yeah, but don't you think after that experience, the way you are behaving now the way you're glowing now i would imagine you had a similar energy when that night that you were cuddling and sharing feelings i would imagine she you got a sense that you could it's so palpable i can see it it's like emanating through the screen she must have felt that there must there must have been a chemical thing going on what uh did you guys after it ended that you guys sobered up was there an acknowledgement to what felt to be a little bit

different right was it like so anyway uh no no what when how long ago was that like a week ago and have you hung out since she's been out of town she gets back today she does ask her out to dinner invite her over to dinner hey i want to cook to dinner. Hey, I want to cook you dinner. Watch a movie. Drink some wine. And just see if it can happen organically. You know, be like a Bachelor producer, right? When people ask me, is it real or is it fake?

Stage the environment you want. They're really good at staging the environment and creating an atmosphere that promotes love. Right. Do that, right? Invite her over for dinner. But eat the food. Bring some wine. They don't eat the food on Bachelor. But eat the food. Bring some wine.

They don't need the food, I'm actually. Definitely eat the food and then see where it goes. It may not go anywhere. It may go somewhere, but create the environment you want and see if, like recreate that night, right? But like step it up a little bit. And if you see a bottle of champagne lying around,

make sure it doesn't belong to somebody else. Yeah. Okay. And if you are going to drink it, don't shake it up first. Who is that uh hannah hannah hannah and kelsey poor hannah and got so much shit for that she's the sweetest person she's such a sweet little it was just like a champagne bottle kelsey whatever that's what i think you should do like do you cook do you cook yeah yeah yeah hey i want to make you dinner do you want to come overnight and watch netflix no netflix and chill you have some wine and then see where it goes drink a little

bit start talking put on a movie that you guys have both seen that you don't have to pay attention to comfort movie yeah that makes you feel good you never want to see that like don't watch the like the undoing on hbo max which you're really sucked in you haven't seen because you'll pay attention to that you don't want to do that. The wire. Yeah. Something that you've both seen that you like, you,

you can always, you can reengage your attention to the movie and know what's going on. And that way you can focus on each other. It's not even about the movie. It's just on. It's an excuse to like hold hands and make out. Watch the bachelor. Yeah.

Watch people like struggling with the thing that you've already found. Make you feel less empowering. You know what's interesting? Like I get that sense of, I can sense that your fear, like it's a good fear. It's like an excited, because there's such a strong foundation and it's like, God forbid, you make that move and it doesn't work out. It's like now you're jeopardizing potentially this great friendship. But what do they say?

Like it's worth the chance, you know, it's love. what do they say like it's worth the chance you know love it's love it's the it's the ultimate it's worth the chance i think it seems like you really like know it seems like it's like very excited yeah i i do like it i've like never felt like this about any guy and like that's great are you is part of it like are you is wondering about the mechanics and stuff? And like, that's how I would be. Like, just how do I express it physically? Because, you know, like I've never done it. Like, is it?

As far as that goes, I don't know. I'd feel like it would just. Come naturally, probably, if you like somebody. Yeah. Just. Just treat it like a human. We can't speak to that. I don't know.

I'm just throwing out. We, there's no way we can mansplain the benefits of lesbian intercourse well let me tell you but it'll it's exciting i'm excited for you thank you yeah that's cool what is what do you do emily well you don't want to say that. Oh, I'm a CPA. Oh, great. Nice. So very rational, very pragmatic probably.

When you get off the phone with us, shoot her a text, ask her what she's doing. I will. FaceTime her. Let her see your color. Yeah. Let her see how she's affected you. It's so nice. You get to express that.

It's nice. Yeah. See it and then ask her, when you want to hang out. Do you want to date? Can I cook you dinner? Do you want to date? You just said, you want to date? Don't say that.

Do you want to go study? Your excitement has like echoed through. And now I'm just like, I Freudian slip for your, from your excitement. Do you want to get married? I mean, do you want to have a,

how do you do with kids? Do you want to have a life together? I mean, a dinner together, a dinner together a dinner together that's exciting that's it and your dad like it's nice that you have that edit that's it's not those it's nice that people are progressing even in the catholics are progressing because i know my parents would be like they ultimately want my happiness i'm sure your parents are the same uh so your dad is gonna be psyched to see you happy i bet all right emily well best of luck justin this has been an absolute blast this is the

best so fun i uh fun i uh i i'm not surprised but you're really good at this as are you um and uh it was a delight and i'm sure all the people listening uh had a ton of fun i hope it was really i i know selfish selfishly, I enjoyed it. You are welcome back to this anytime. You know I'll come. Don't forget to send in your questions at asknickatcastmedia.com, cast with a K. We appreciate you listening.

Make sure to check out Justin's podcast, Life is Short with Justin Long. He has a lot of great episodes, so go check him out. Subscribe, rate us five stars, all that fun stuff. And other than that, we will see you tomorrow.