The Viall Files - E213 Ask Nick - Familiarity Is Not A Prerequisite To Love

Episode Date: December 21, 2020

Kicking it off on this weeks episode of Ask Nick we speak to a woman who has been dating people younger than her because she doesn't like the feeling of inadequacy she gets when she dates someone older and likes the control she has with someone not so set in their ways. Next we speak to someone who's boyfriend thinks that her roommate is stepping over the boundaries of privacy in their relationship when he saw messages from another girl on his phone and told her. A 30 year age gap is our the next callers issue when it comes to the future and handling the judgment of people around them. Finally exes living together after a break up because of a financial situation are trying to find the best path forward in their new normal.  "Sometimes judgment comes from a place of love and people caring for you, other times they are just haters with nothing better to do." Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Press House Coffee: http://www.presshousecoffee.com/VIALL for 20% off.  Usual Wines: http://www.usualwines.com Use Promo code VIALL for eight dollars off your order and have your first glass on them.  Natural Habits: http://nhoils.com use promo code LOVE for 35% off  Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What's going on everybody? Happy holidays to you all on this very special Monday morning. Wow, the holidays are upon us. I don't know what you're doing, if you're staying home by yourself and trying to be safe or trying to be safe with some people, whatever. I just hope you're doing happy things. I hope you're staying healthy. Thanks for tuning in to this very special episode of Ask Nick.

I say it's special because I personally, I think I just, I feel like I really kicked ass. You killed it. I mean, we all, I always kick ass, but like, I think there was something really, I was on one today. So I hope you enjoy it. mean we all i always kick ass but like i think there was something really i was on one today um so i hope you enjoy it i don't know maybe i'm just full of shit but i i i i think you'll find our callers to be honest vulnerable and uh i i don't know i just i feel good about the feedback i gave them so i hope you enjoy it i can't thank you guys enough um listen if you if you're thinking about sending me a christmas gift and i know you guys enough. Listen, if you're, if you're thinking about sending me a Christmas gift and I know you guys are

because you're, you love me as much as I love you. Go ahead. If you're listening to this on iTunes and write us, don't even write us, just give us five stars. If you want to write a review, that'd be nice,

but not needed. That would really mean a lot to me, especially you ask Nick listeners out there. You're the heartblood of this show. I believe that. And this, this show is therapeutic for me as i hope it is for you and uh we i would i'd love some holiday christmas reviews also we have

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Tuesday night, we're essentially gonna be dropping the Sarah Silverman and the Runner Up interview back to back. So in these holiday times, make sure to give us the time that we deserve. I don't care if your kids want some mommy or daddy time. You have to listen to our episodes first. And the good news is while you're traveling,

while you're, you know, you know, put on a Disney movie, turn it, turn us on and you'll, you will really enjoy it. So spread the word.

I can't thank you enough also as we wrap up this year for again listening, sharing on your socials, our podcasts. We love it when you guys do that. So if you guys want to do that, can't thank you enough. It's because of you that we continue to get the word, spread the word about this show. And it really means a lot. So I hope you guys are enjoying your holiday season. Stay safe, stay warm, all that fun stuff. And I'll shut up. Have we covered everything, Chrissy, or anything else?

I think you've got it all down. Great. Big things coming for you guys in the new year. Other than that, let's rock and roll. How's it going? It's going... What's your name? Lana. My name's Lana. I'm 27. Great great how can i help okay so i have this problem where i as a 27 year old woman seem to only date younger men or boys um usually like in their early 20s okay And it hasn't really been working out for me. A little bit of like recent history, my ex-boyfriend of three and a half years was

three years younger than me. So we broke up in January and he was 23 and I was about to turn 27. out to turn 27. And since then, I've kind of like, been reverting back to, you know, still seeing people who are like, 21, 22. And I'm always just super disappointed by the outcome. And I don't know how to break the cycle, because I'm super uncomfortable dating people who I'm not comfortable with, who I don't already know. And my circle seems to run a little bit younger because I was enveloped in this friend group with my younger ex-boyfriend. So that's kind of where I'm at. Okay.

Now, this friend group, I mean, you kind of described high I, it's, you kind of described high school, I guess is what I'm trying to say. Yeah. And by high school, I mean, in high school, you were, were limited in terms of our world. It's more of a bubble. And even if you have a group of friends and you break up with your girlfriend, like you end up dating her friend or something because of all it's high school and that's just what you're doing you're lucky enough if to meet someone at a rival high school to get more of a variety and you just kind of describe that as is that your situation where it's just like i've never thought of it that way but when you point it out you're kind of hitting home okay so what why why are you doing that i guess is my question you you reference familiarity but that can't be yeah i don't know i get super uncomfortable

okay part of it like i said was that i tend to have a lot of friends who are younger than I am. And I feel like anytime I've dated someone older, historically, I've felt such a deep sense of inadequacy and nervousness. And I can't even speak around them. Like since I was younger and I feel like I've kind of like, when I was younger, I never thought I was smart. So maybe it's really deep rooted, but when I was younger, I never thought I was smart. So maybe it's really deep rooted. But when I was younger, I never thought I was smart. So I like to date people who weren't going to challenge me. And I kind of had the upper hand over. And anytime that I've dated someone a little bit older with a little bit more, you know, life experience, or, you know, they had like aspirational jobs. I just always felt super intimidated and I don't like to be intimidated. Okay. Well, it sounds like you've

kind of identified some of the struggles here that you're having, right? Uh, are you, are you used to always having a boyfriend? No. So I didn't have a boyfriend since like from high school up until i started dating my ex when i was 23 okay 22 23 um and then we were together for three and a half years and it's like been a recent split well not anymore i guess the last year has just flown by but when lockdown kind of happened i was like pretty fresh off of my breakup. And so I just like, I guess then, you know, you start talking to people on Instagram who you already know and we're like friends. And then like one thing led to another and it like turned into more of a thing.

And it's like, we just already knew each other, but then they, they end up not obviously working out. Cause they're literally just turned 21 and need to find someone their own age. First thing I do every day is drink a cup of coffee. I love brewing it. I brew some coffee and then I water my plants. It's a really fun life I've carved out for myself. And I'm doing it with press house coffee.

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it's you know the the stereotype you know younger women date older men you know and there's usually well there might be a variety of reasons why but a lot of it refers to like a maturity right uh yeah women tend you know it's it's i don't know if there's i'm sure there's data behind it but for whatever reason women definitely mature faster than men you know yeah um and then also like it matters in terms of like where they are in terms of their birth order can matter their maturity level. Like my younger siblings are way more mature at the ages they are than I was when I was there. And I think a lot has to do with when, you know, they grew up, they had all these older siblings in a way.

They learned more about life by being surrounded by more people than just I had just my parents who only knew their limited amount, et cetera, et cetera, whatever. But you have this confidence issue that you've identified about yourself, right? And that's clearly something I think you should work on that has nothing to do with necessarily dating, right? And there's different ways you can work on that, right? Do you get therapy? Do you have therapy? Do you have a therapy? Just started.

Just started therapy. That's great. That's awesome. Baby steps. Right? Well, I'm just curious. Why do you feel like you, why do you feel like at a younger age you were never smart? Is that something you told yourself?

Did you grow up having other people tell you this? You know? Oh, yeah. All of the above. Like, I, I have learning disabilities. So I have really bad ADHD. My hands are sweating because I'm just dying to fidget right now. So I like went to a private school where, you know, it was all kids who had similar, you know, difficulties learning.

And I just coasted off of, you know, I don't know how to do anything. Like, so I just for a long time, I didn't apply myself. I thought that I wasn't capable. And the people around me just kind of like catered to that. So I can see you. You're a very pretty girl. You have the blonde hair. And what I'm asking is, do you feel like there's a stereotype sometimes?

Pretty blonde, ditzy, dumb, whatever. Totally not accurate, but it's definitely a stereotype. There's plenty of smart, blonde, pretty women out there. And I'm wondering, do you think you played into that stereotype as almost a defense mechanism or even an excuse that other people just do shit for you? No, for sure. When I was younger, I just figured it was easier because I wasn't great at learning. So I felt like I was a little bit behind in some in some ways. So I was just like,

it's easier to just be simple and like, not know what's going on. And, you know, just not be challenged and not look stupid. And, you know, those insecurities. So a little bit older, I was like, not stupid what i i think one thing you should tell yourself too when you say i'm not great at learning you're you might not be great at learning in a more traditional sense right that's just that society expects us to learn a different way right like that doesn't mean you're bad at learning i mean i have add i'm dyslexic there's a bunch of things i'm good at or not good at, right? I'm just, you know, I just,

and I've had people tell me I'm absent-minded, airheaded. And then I've had other people tell me I'm really smart. It just all depends on the situation you're in, right? Thankfully, you know, my parents gave me confidence just enough confidence to ignore the haters and and believe the people who wanted to compliment me but i think it's i think it's really important and i think it's great that you are seeing a therapist right and then i think in the meantime you know i don't know what your therapist is going to say but i think you need to stop with the negative self-limiting beliefs about yourself

and start with getting good at complimenting yourself, figuring out what you feel like you're good at, like whatever it is. I don't know. It could be ironing. It could be folding laundry. It could be writing poems. I don't know what it is, but I'm certain there's things you're good at.

And I think you should focus on that and be not afraid to like feel good that you're good at that right like well i am good at that and people come to me for those things whatever it is because could be it could be literally anything it doesn't matter it doesn't have to be what society holds up and says i'm glad if you're good at this you people will like you and if of course everyone's good at you know whatever you know it doesn't matter right yeah those good things they have more confidence and i think in the meantime right now i'm not saying stop dating but i think well you're just started to see this therapist it might be a great opportunity for you to take a lot of pressure when it comes off of dating i'm not don't go off of dating apps right but maybe knowing that you have this thing challenge

yourself to not always go with the low-hanging fruit challenge yourself to not go with what you find to be comfortable could be like people oh i know him i've met him at a party so i'll match with him like that's not a prerequisite to love familiarity isn't going to get you there it helps you it helps you have a conversation on a first date, sure. But take the pressure off yourself. Understand that dating is hard. Understand that most dates don't work out. And a lot of finding love is finding that person, regardless of their age, younger, around your age or older, that might make you feel good. Along this journey of dating, you will meet condescending people,

people who make you feel inadequate. Sometimes that's going to be on you because you haven't figured out how to find the confidence in yourself. Sometimes you're just going to meet people who make you feel. There's a lot of people who are good at making other people feel inferior. Those are things they have to work on. It's fighting someone who is a good match for you, at making other people feel inferior, right? And those are things they have to work on, right? And it's fighting someone who is a good match for you,

but you do have to challenge yourself with being uncomfortable. And that's probably your biggest challenge right now is you don't like feeling uncomfortable at all. And you have resorted to like the easy way out. And more than anything, you need to work on being uncomfortable. You need to work on being uncomfortable. You need to work on pushing your comfort zone and whatever that is, dating, life, career, friendships, interactions,

and you just need to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. That's probably your most immediate and biggest challenge that you should focus on. And that will affect all aspects of your life, not just dating. Dating is just one of the things that, you know, like you think about it because dating is so obvious. We all want to find love, but it's getting comfortable with being uncomfortable that you really need to work on. You're so right. Thanks. You actually were just, you just read me like a book there. So good for you. Well, I'm glad I could help, but really challenge yourself. I mean, you know, I really, you remind me of my mom in that sense. My mom is 62 years old and she grew up with five brothers in a very old school household.

And, you know, she had great parents in their own right, but very, very old fashioned. And my mom doesn't, my mom lacks a lot of confidence when it comes to her intelligence right and she's a very smart woman it's just something she's really good at something she's not good at but overall she was told this and then she started believing it and she you know she still struggles with it to this day and it's great for you to identify still young in your life and try to reverse engineer those beliefs. And to a certain extent, you might struggle with in general, but getting comfortable with being uncomfortable

is a good first step. And then not indulging in self-limiting beliefs. When you find yourself telling yourself something, just tell yourself to shut up. We don't tell ourselves to shut up enough. Uh, we like telling other people to shut up, but we have to tell ourselves to shut up too. Yeah. It's definitely, uh, challenging to shut off the negative narrative that you've like created for yourself. So it's definitely something I want to work on. And I hadn't thought about how that relates to my dating experience, or like habits, if you will. Totally. Listen, I haven't talked to you that long. I don't know

what your cerebral strengths are. But just talking to you right now, you're more than capable of carrying a conversation. Someone who is reflective about what their struggles are that you are right now and seeks therapy takes a level of intelligence, right? That's a level of self-awareness that requires people to have, you know, we hear so much about emotional intelligence, whether it's reality TV or what, but like, yeah, it's a real thing. And I don't think you need to read the book, but you clearly have some self-awareness right and that is a level of intelligence that throughout whatever your childhood is or your own actions you've been able to identify by simply just being like why am I dating these guys that are three years younger than me and quite frankly that's not a crime you're allowed to date someone younger than you if there's there might be while hard to find some really mature and intelligent young men

who might bring out the best in you. Maybe not the ones you've dated. No. That's a diamond in the rough, right? You're usually going to find that with younger women than younger guys. But I'm not saying it's not possible. I'm just saying, yes, you identifying that is good. And it takes some intelligence,

and you should pat yourself on the back when when it comes to recognizing that um so um but you do have to get comfortable like when you feel uncomfortable don't run dive further in it won't kill you yeah and you'll get you'll just it's like anything else you'll uh have you ever put your foot in a really cold water like ice bath or something i don't know if you ever played sports or anything like that but like have you ever done that it hurts the first time you do that it doesn't feel uncomfortable it's fucking painful right it hurts but like if you get through that threshold it starts feeling good and the next day you do it again it hurts a little bit less and a little bit less. And then all of a sudden you get used to it where the first time you put your foot in

the ice bath, it feels good immediately. But it took some time to get there and retrain your body to like feel that sensation because it was very resistant. That's a great analogy to like anything else that you feel pain and frustration when you're uncomfortable with certain things that you're just not used to it doesn't mean it's not good for you and it doesn't mean you can't work through it you just have to fight through those feelings and as you're saying this i'm thinking i'm uncomfortable being completely like alone like not having anyone like pining after me or like you know like talking to in the dms or whatever

i'm super uncomfortable being lonely so like i'm always trying to like find someone to talk to because like you know i'm uncomfortable not and maybe i need to just like not talk to anyone just work on myself and then like it will probably just be more organic and natural when i i don't know totally and next time and sometimes you might just be lonely and want to talk to someone but next time since you recognize this ask yourself the question am i just bored do i really want to talk to this person or do i just want attention ask yourself that question and then be honest with it and if you find it to be like you're bored and just want attention just be like you know what i'm not gonna do it i'm just gonna be alone and see how that feels once in a while you give in like i mean shit sometimes we

know sweets aren't good for it but like fuck it i'm gonna have a cookie treat yourself you know but um you do have to get good at saying no once in a while and and having that self-discipline and then once you work on that, then go and try to date older men only match with certain, you know, and it's, it's ages a number, right?

Like don't make it about, but just try to get more variety, whatever you do, do things that you're not used to try new things. That's the biggest thing, different ages, different groups, people you're not familiar with.

If, if a guy asks you a question and you're like where's this going don't quit see where it goes you know there's it doesn't matter if it gets weird i mean you don't want to get too weird but like it doesn't matter if it gets uncomfortable it is it's just dating it's meant to be uncomfortable you can't find great things unless you're willing to push the limits you're right all right yeah all right well best of luck uh i think you're going to be great congratulations on starting therapy i know that's not easy and uh i think you should put yourself on the back on that and and recognize that it took a lot of emotional intelligence and strength to do that thank you i appreciate it all right thanks a lot of emotional intelligence and strength to do that. Thank you. I appreciate it. All right.

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Hi, my name is Cassidy and I'm 23. Hi Cassidy. How can I help? So I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now. Um, and most of the time that we've been dating, he has not liked my roommate slash best friend. So I guess a little bit of background. So we've had like some

boundary privacy issues in the past. My roommate had found some like messages that he had sent to other girls pretty early on in our relationship last year um so that obviously caused some problems how did he do that we were he was like taking photos of us and something had popped up and so he went into his phone and this happened in an early dating situation where well maybe, maybe difficult to see, not necessarily wrong? Well, we were exclusive at the time. So it was, there were messages that were wrong. They were wrong.

So your now boyfriend was acting a fool early on your relationship and your roommate? Caught him. Caught him. Okay. Yes. So, and this was my first relationship. So I think I kind of had some boundary issues with maybe sharing too much with my roommate. Because I ultimately decided to forgive my boyfriend.

We've moved past that. So that's not really my issue anymore. I trust him. But I think ever since then, my boyfriend really has not. He's kind of thought that my roommate is out to get him, like trying to get me to break up with him. And just generally thinks that he doesn't like him. And that's just very one sided. And has created a lot of arguments between me and my boyfriend okay so yeah um i guess like another layer to it i've so my roommate is gay and he's a but my boyfriend will call him like my sec he's male yes my roommate's male so um my boyfriend will call him like my second he's male yes my roommate's male so um my boyfriend will call him like my second boyfriend and kind of make like generalizations about what gay men are like and things so i don't think i don't necessarily think my boyfriend is homophobic but i think he's kind

of like uncomfortable with i'm'm sorry. Ignorant? Yeah, maybe a little ignorant. You could call it that. So I guess I'm just kind of. I think people, I've said this before, we're all ignorant about certain things and we sometimes get a little too defensive by the word ignorant.

But that doesn't mean you're not. And it sounds like from what you're saying is your boyfriend is making some generalizations about your roommate because he's gay right that are inaccurate and ignorant and he's refused and been unwilling to learn and and just you know generalizes him based off of things he just assumes that which would make him ignorant. Exactly. Okay. So, yeah, I just kind of feel like I'm in a position where I, obviously, I care a lot

about my roommate and my boyfriend. So I want to make that relationship better. So I guess that's kind of what my question is, like, how can I facilitate a better relationship and like how, I guess, how can i help my boyfriend not be ignorant okay well great so if i were to ask you who i mean yeah is is do you think your roommate in bet slash best friend is doing anything wrong? I mean, based on the past, like maybe he has like unintentionally sparked some drama, but I don't think that at this point, I mean, maybe he's not going out of his way to be best of friends with my boyfriend, but I don't think that he's being rude to him in any way so if you were to critique your best friend

the critique may be he could be slightly more inviting and and welcoming and make my boyfriend feel a little bit more comfortable and he might not be doing that yeah perhaps but i also think he has had conversations like he sat down with my boyfriend and meant like, look, I just want Cassidy to be happy. I'm not trying to get in your way of that. They've had the conversation, but that doesn't seem to help. So it seems like it's more of your boyfriend's issues. Yeah. Okay.

Well, that's good for you to know, right? That's a tough question in terms of the answer is, I mean, you're like, hey, tell your boyfriend not to be ignorant. Well, he's going to get defensive, right? No one likes to be called ignorant. You really have to be self-aware and mature to recognize your own ignorance and not get defensive and say, all right, I'm ignorant. Let's change it. But that doesn't mean even though it's tough, you should avoid the conversation.

So, yeah, I mean, have you talked to your boyfriend about the possibility that he might be incorrectly judging your friend i mean first off like your roommate's gay he's clearly not your second boyfriend he is your friend he's attracted to other men there's no there's nothing there between the two of you he is not a threat and so any i i i don't know about you, but to me, I would have zero patience and zero tolerance or however you want to, like, I wouldn't have any leash when it comes to like snarky comments like that. Like, I wouldn't just like be like, I wouldn't roll your eyes and huff and puff and be passive

aggressive when he says things like that are frustrating. I would be like, I would, you know you know treat treat childish comments like you would a child and be like stop it you know like you know what i'm saying like you have to don't entertain it you don't entertain it don't like laugh it off don't like ignore it right like he needs to somehow learn that this is wrong and if he wants to be with you in a relationship he needs to become more enlightened right yeah and hope i'm assuming you want to be with someone who wants to be enlightened there's nothing wrong like there's nothing wrong with being ignorant to a point and what i mean by that is like we we are a product of our environments, our parents, and where we're from.

And as early childhood, we only learn what is taught to us when we're young. And then as adults, we get, you know, we just reinforce what we learned in the past until we start meeting other people or experiencing other things. But we have to have an open mindedness to ours ourselves. And that requires some sort of maturity and self-awareness. And like he has you, you're his girlfriend, you're open minded. Your best friend is gay.

And yet you're dating someone who's making ignorant and passive aggressive statements about being gay. Right. Yeah. And so he needs, you know, like, do you have to,

you have to ask yourself, am I dating someone who's willing to learn? Am i dating someone who's willing to learn am i dating someone who's willing to not be ignorant am i dating someone who's willing to like recognize that like oh fuck man that's kind of dumb and ignorant i wish i didn't say that i will never say that again you know who's good at criticism and saying oh that really hurt my feelings let me ask you this when you're in a fight with your boyfriend, can you say things like that really hurt my feelings? It bothered me that you said that. Here's why and how does he handle those situations? Yeah, I feel like we do have open communication. Sometimes maybe in our more heated arguments about it. It's more difficult to do that. But I always feel like after we've had some time away and we sit down, I'm like, hey, this is how it makes me feel when

you talk like this. He does get it, but it still seems to continue to be a problem. Okay. Because I think one thing that's really important for you to distinguish, this is not you having to side between a friend and a boyfriend. Mm-hmm. this is not you having to side between a friend and a boyfriend and even if your boyfriend makes you feel like it is that's not what it is right because unless i'm missing something it sounds like your best friend has your best intentions in mind and sometimes that's not always the case sometimes you're in a relationship and you're like dating a friend who's this machiavellian and insecure and selfish and doesn't want to share you and and go in like and it sounds like that's not what's going on here but what it sounds like

yeah it's I was just gonna say I I think that's kind of what my boyfriend thinks that he's going on based on what I mean based on the fact of the past, I mean, what happened last year? Your boyfriend did that. He can't blame anyone else for being caught, right? And it doesn't sound like even your best friend went out of his way to catch him. He was just sloppy. Yeah. Right?

And so anytime he wants to blame someone else for his mistakes, that's a red flag. You know, again, nip that in the bud, be like, Hey, why are you blaming him for what you did? Like he didn't do anything wrong. I appreciate him telling me that's what I want my friends to do. And I'm, you should thank him for checking you because God only knows how long it would have gone on for. And I've chosen to forgive you, but make no mistake like that was your fault. You did this and stop blaming other people for the shit you did and project your frustration that you got caught onto my friend. Yeah.

Right. And I think that's what you have to do because this is not a choice. This is not you having to decide between a friend and a boyfriend. It's about your boyfriend in a way being the manipulative one, right? And not liking that he got caught and not liking that your best friend has some sort of influence in your life as all friends do, right? And it sounds like what you're telling me is that your best friend has tried to make amends

and tried to say, hey listen, I just want what's best for my friend, and yeah, I have my guard up because you did this shit, but she trusts you, so I'm gonna trust you. But in the meantime, your boyfriend keeps making little comments about why you should not trust your best friend, making you feel like, you know,

ultimately you're going to have to decide between the two. And if that ends up being the case, it's only because your boyfriend makes you choose. And if he makes you choose right now, it sounds like you're forced to choose your best friend only because your best friend's not making you choose. And your best friend's not the one making ignorant comments and trying to blame him for your problems. That's what your boyfriend's doing. Yeah, it's kind of ironic that he thinks my roommate's starting drama and he's kind of the one starting the drama. It is exactly like you said. I do kind of feel like I'm put in the middle a little bit

and I don't want to have to decide between the two of them. So don't let them. I mean, you're kind of at that point where you you have to as always i say be open to the possibility this isn't your guy and i don't know if it is or isn't it's not your guy if he can't get through this hurdle it's not your guy if he can't fully accept his mistakes and stop projecting it onto other people because he doesn't want to just acknowledge that he was shitty and what he did was totally wrong. He has no one to blame for himself. But thankfully, he's with someone who's willing to forgive him and trust him and get over

it. Because not everyone is that accepting and forgiving, nor do they have to be. Yeah. So, I mean, do you think that there's anything else that I could do or should do to help him? I think you just need to start being very direct with him and stop worrying about, is he going to be able to handle this? Is he going to get defensive? There's some childlike behavior that your boyfriend's demonstrating,

and that doesn't mean that you need to coddle to his needs. He is an adult, and you need to treat him like an adult. And if he can't handle being treated like an adult, then maybe that's when you come to the decision that maybe he's not your guy. Yeah. So I do think you've kind of come to a point where you've tried to be patient. You've tried to like, okay,

you know, maybe make excuses for him. You need to stop making excuses for him and just deal with them very directly and not make it, you know, like here's the thing. Maybe part of the reason why he's treating you, making you feel like you have to choose between your best friend and you is

because you've kind of played good cop while your boy, your best friends played bad cop. And now you need to start playing bad cop. Yeah, that's very true. So, and I am sorry if that realization that maybe he's not your guy but trust me you'll be happier less confused you shouldn't feel this way in a relationship yeah yeah i never never thought i would be in a relationship where my boyfriend didn't get along with my friends um yeah. I mean, it happens all the time.

I'm so suspicious of them. I wouldn't feel bad about it. And it doesn't make your boyfriend a bad guy, but he has some growing up to do. How old is he? 29. Okay. Well, I've matured in my 30s. So it's not like your boyfriend can't either, but he has to be willing to accept it.

And you have to be a bad cop because it sounds like your boyfriend can't either, but he has to be willing to accept it. And you have to be a bad cop because it sounds like your boyfriend consciously or subconsciously feels like he can get away with trying to convince you to believe something that's not real. Yeah. All right. That's a good point. Start putting that foot down. And I think you should give your best friend a big hug for having your back. It sounds like he's a pretty good friend who cares about you. And unless I'm missing some information, all he is is being a friend.

And it sounds like in your gut you know that to be true. Yeah, I do. Okay. Well, thank you so much. I appreciate it. There are other men out there. And I know it's your first one. That first Well, thank you so much. I appreciate it. There are other men out there, and I know it's your first one. That first one's a bugaboo, you know?

And it doesn't mean he's not your guy, but don't be afraid to consider the possibility is not just because he's your first. Okay. Yeah. You've given me a lot to think about. Thank you very much. All right.

Best of luck. Thank you. Bye. All right. Take care. Bye-bye. How's it going? It's good. How are you? I'm great. What's your name? My name is Amy. I am 24 years old. Hi, Amy, 24. How can I help? So I wrote in, I am dating somebody we've been together for about a year and a half now. And we've got a big age gap. We're kind of, we're about 30 years apart. He is in his 50s. And we're in a really

good spot. Like we're super, super happy. You know, we like to think we've got all the good things going for us, good communication, We're into each other's hobbies. We really enjoy each other. But we're hitting kind of a place in our relationship where if we're going to talk about the future, there's some inequalities. Like there's just, you know, financial inequalities. So where we are in our career, there's financial inequalities. We're talking about, you know, family planning and things like that. And I was being 24.

I'm in a place in my life where I was kind of in no rush to get those sort of things started. I didn't see marriage and babies until kind of into my thirties. But given the age difference, it's one of those things that like if we're going to get moving and have a future we kind of want to do it ASAP and I think the biggest thing that I'm encountering is I feel okay with that him and I have had lots of open communication about kind of how we feel but I'm getting a lot of judgment from like friends and family.

And I don't think my question so much has to do with our relationship because I feel really confident in that, but in kind of navigating the judgment and the questions from people who mean well and love me and love him so much, but don't quite understand the relationship. don't quite understand the relationship. Okay. Great questions. I just think, yeah, there's nothing you can do about people's judgments to a certain degree. Sometimes, you know, lots of times people's judgments comes from a place of love and caring for you. Other times people just judge because they're haters and they have nothing better to do

and they're projecting their own shit onto you, right? But let's assume you're referring to people closest to you, family and friends who know you the best, you know, and those are opinions that we should listen to. So let's assume that's coming from a place of love and concern. They want what's best for you. And if you show them, like sometimes you just have to do what's best for you and if you show them like sometimes you just have to do what's best for yourself and like their concerns are valid because like you know there's exceptions

you want to be the exception to the rule right and that's fine because the rule says that's a huge age gap and there's going to be a lot of challenges and struggles that ultimately are going to make it not work and and cause you hurt and pain and maybe him hurt and pain in the future. Right. But if you believe that you're the exception and that's up to you to take that risk, that's up to you. Right. And your friends and family are going to just have that concern. That being said, you know, you made some comments about, well, you preferred to wait, but because he's at his, I think that's something you need to really focus on and address. And I think you need to be really careful that these are your choices and not the relationship's choices and certainly not his choices. He needs to recognize as someone who's that much older than you that he has to make sacrifices too.

recognize as someone who's that much older than you that he has to make sacrifices too but you know it's a big ask for to ask a person who's going to you know birth a child in her body to like make certain exceptions to you know listen and every couple decides family planning differently and in a relationship but um are you guys engaged you're not engaged right you're not no no not yet certainly married no but i i just think that's i i just think it's really important for you to make sure that you really want this for yourself and if there's a part of you that would ideally prefer to wait to have kids into her 30s i don't think that's something you should ignore because you don't know how this relationship is going to go all relationships you know some relationships work out some relationships don't right and you're not

engaged and you're not married you have you know in ones that are engaged sometimes end and even marriages end but even at least with marriages you like have these vows of like till death do you part so i would really advise you to take a step back and make sure this is your choice. That's really my biggest takeaway when it comes to having kids. And I think you will, as far as, to a certain degree, your family and friends may never not have their opinions and concerns until they see it. Right.

You mean like what I'm saying is I wouldn't do this to prove them wrong, but you, you literally might have to like have kids. And then 10 years from now, you guys are still happy. You have two adorable children. You're like, see, I'm happy. And they're like, well, you're happy and I'm happy. And we thought it wasn't going to work out, but now we see that it did. That might be the only way some of them come around.

You definitely shouldn't try to prove them wrong. But what I'm saying, instead of that, like you, there might be a part of you, there might be a part of them that sees your hesitance. They might have heard you say before you met him how certain you were that you wanted to wait until you were in your 30s to have kids. And now all of a sudden it's changing and they're going to attribute it to this relationship and that's a

fair concern of theirs right so whatever you do i just think it's really incumbent for you because there's always a criticism older guy dates younger girl how much influence is he having on her life and things like that and you sound like just a little bit I'm talking to you that like you are self-aware. You're still, you're very much an adult. You know, like you can, you make your own choices. It would be condescending to suggest that you can't decide. There's plenty of 21, 22, 20 year olds

having kids and getting married and no one has a problem with, right? So you certainly are capable of it, right? And they make decisions for themselves. But my only concern, just to to reiterate is that you yourself even say that you would prefer to wait and i just don't think yeah you should be so quick to make that sacrifice so and i think what i what i struggle with too is's not, it's not a pressure from him. He has made it very clear that it is absolutely all up to me. And so that's great.

It's like a very, right. Like he's wonderful. Can't, can't explain that enough. But, um, it's not that I, it's just, yeah, I don't know. It's just a very weird struggle because I do look at him and what a wonderful man he is in our relationship. And I think that we would make great parents together and be an awesome team. How old is he? He's 56. Okay.

Yeah. The clock is ticking. That's a reality. It's not like he's, you know. Exactly. And it's not a pressure coming from him. It's not even, it's more me. I think I'm putting that pressure on the relationship and us because I have always wanted children. And now I'm in a relationship that I'm so happy with and I want it to be with him. But I'm like, wait, this isn't quite what I was planning. And I know that I can do it and I know I'm capable of doing it. I just, I don't know how to reconcile

it with myself. I don't know. I don't know. I'm just, I don't have the answers for you, but I do hear you talk, feel better about the fact that this sounds like this is your choice, right? It's great that he's, he's, it sounds like you're dating someone who gets it who recognizes that like he's asking a lot of you and just really wants to make sure that you want to do this and it's not because of him so that you resent him someday and then you'll just have to figure that out there's plenty of people who have kids far sooner than they expected because you know they got drunk one night and say you know or or they fell in love and then expect it like things do change and so i don't know how you you do all i'm saying is you need to reconcile that and i just think you should be very confident if you do decide to move forward with this

relationship and by forward like also like you know you can get engaged and married and not have kids right away so like why don't we just let that happen if it happens? Right. I'm not saying you have to getting like, if you want to have kids and not get engaged and married, that's also your choice too. But you don't have to make a decision now. And I just think my only advice to you is like, as confident as you can be with your decision, knowing that feelings can change, that you are doing it for yourself. And then you have to think of things, you just have to be as realistic as possible. Because all relationships can end. What if this relationship's end?

Well, I regret it. And you'll still hopefully have a loving child or two. You know, I don't know. Like, we can't plan our entire lives either, right? So there is that too. And just because you thought at 19 you didn't want to have kids until you're 30 doesn't necessarily mean much anyways. I just want you to be confident in your decision.

That's a good point. And even if things don't work out the way you hoped, that you won't regret it and you won't resent him, whether he is your husband or ex and a baby daddy you know what i'm trying to think you know i just i just want you to feel confident in your decisions as an adult and and that's just something i think you should just you're going to have to feel good about and then as far as opinions from other people the more they see that you're happy and confident in your decisions, the sooner they will come around. And it is what it is.

Right. Yeah, I think that's really great advice. I think I am at a point where I'm kind of lacking someone who can give me that sort of advice on a day-to-day basis because talking about these sorts of things with my 20 or 30 something year old friends is just difficult because they don't quite like get it either like there's a little bit of perspective lacking from them and they do have their own concerns so it's hard because i don't have someone to bounce this stuff off of um so i get in my head a lot about it like this decision, I've been in my head about this for months. So yeah. I get it,

but don't be afraid to still get advice from your friends. Even if you don't agree with it, it's always great to hear other people's perspectives. Sometimes when we don't want to hear it, or even if they don't understand, it's just, you're just kind of getting, you know,

data, I guess from other people. Sure. And, you know, if you, you have 30-year-old friends, those are good people to get advice from, you know? Yeah, yeah. You know, if those 30-year-old friends, you know, are still single and dating men their age,

certainly they're going to have a biased opinion. If those 30-year-old friends got married at 22 and are still with the same guy and are happy you know i don't know everyone has different situations but i i don't think you should ignore talking to your friends just because they're not going to tell you what you want to hear right true and make no mistake yeah you are wanting to be the exception to the rule and it doesn't mean you can't be of course and because you wanting to be the exception to the rule. And that doesn't mean you can't be. Of course. And because you want to be the exception to the rule, you're going to have your doubters. And there is risk involved.

And that's just a fact. Yeah. So, and I'm a risk taker. Other people are too. And we all have different types of risks we're willing to take. But just don't pretend to think and convince yourself that you're not trying to take a risk. And you're trying, you know, this is normal. It's different.

And there's a greater probability of problems than not problems. That's all. Right. Sure. Sounds good. All right. Thank you for the advice. All right. Best of luck. All right. Take care.

Thanks. Bye. How's it going? It's going well. How are you? Great. What's your name? My name is Rachel. I'm 28. Hi, Rachel, 28. How can I help? So I started dating my ex-boyfriend like five and a half years ago. dating my ex-boyfriend like five and a half years ago um we broke up two months ago um which has been confusing because we still live together okay um about a year ago i bought a house

um and he has been living for free i pay the mortgage and all of the bills because last year he got really into like finances and money and trying to like plan for the future and just set us up for success so my student loans um in his mind were kind of preventing us from moving forward so he paid off all like 3535,000 of my student loans so the arrangement was that he'd live for free like that's how he would be paid off so okay now that we have broken up we are trying to figure out like what the best path forward is I guess we ended on pretty good terms like there's no like real hard feelings we're just like fundamentally different okay like he's really yeah i mean he's really type a and i'm really type b which is kind of like what brought us to the end essentially so now it's just like

determining is it realistic to continue living with an ex for another year until he's paid off or is there something else i should do to try to get out of this situation that's the question is like is what you're doing like healthy for either of you or for you or yeah i guess so like it started off fine but now that we are both like starting to see other people and move on, like it's starting to feel a little bit messy. kind of laid out like okay i'm paying this off you know these 35 000 that you said and then did the math on how much he would pay you rent if he was paying you rent to go towards your mortgage and the equity etc etc so there's like you mentioned another year and a half it's not as if like well just just we'll be together forever and i'll just pay you rent. And it sounds like he did the math, so to speak. All right.

So that's good news to some degree because at least there's not like a moving goalpost, right? There's an actual number, right? So I don't need to hear the number per se, but if you were to go to your ex today and say just out of curiosity what do i owe you today how much left do i have to pay off he would be able to give you a number yeah we sat down and did that like pretty shortly after we broke up which is how we came to i guess i'll owe him basically half okay so about a little we're pretty close to 15 000 at this point yeah which if he continues

living rent free bill free would put us at like one more year living together sure well so good news for you and i bet he even has the answers these questions there's there's interest rates are really low there's ways to borrow money you You could take out a $15,000 loan if you don't have it. I mean, I don't, if you have the money, that's an option too. I don't know if you do. A lot of people don't have that kind of money on hand, but like that is an option. And I guess this is where I'm going with it. Like, of course, it's better for you guys right now to figure out how to like separate ties and and have them move out i mean there's exceptions to every rule fine but i just don't see even if you guys are super mature and super cool

and totally fine with it and are completely indifferent about each other romantically and you both date like there's no guarantee that the new people you bring in your life are going to be nor should they be it's just a weird thing to try to explain yeah he's been having a real hard time with that i've gotten pretty lucky as far as the people i've started seeing but yeah he's not which is kind of i think why his resentment might be building up a little bit yeah it is kind of been a deal breaker well I think that's better for you that he's struggling with it than you are. Because if it was the other way around, be like, all these chicks are super cool with it. I'm having all this sex and it's great. And I just like living here. And you're just like, I don't

know. This is super weird for me. These guys are not, I can't live my life. So it sounds like this is a a very reasonable problem that has a solution to it you know this could be a lot messier uh than it is right this could be well you know i i i he paid off my loans and i just kind of we didn't agree on what rent would be you know and we didn't agree like it sounds like he was very diligent diligent about this and that's great because what if you guys never like set a price on what he was going to pay you rent you know was it half the amount was it a third you're building equity he's not kind of thing there's a you know that's not a that's not a black and white answer and thankfully you guys agreed upon that And it sounds like so far he's being reasonable. And so that will help you guys avoid confusion.

Definitely. I think you should start looking into other vehicles of how you can pay him back rather quickly. Yeah, that was kind of the first thought I had was, should I just take out another loan? But I'm basically like throwing my entire paycheck at the mortgage in rent. Like, I'm not sure I could financially take on another payment. Can you take on a different roommate who's not someone you used to date for four years and have sex with? That is an option. That's an option. And I guess the point is could things could be a little tight for you for a couple months yeah even if you had to take on a part-time job i don't know i mean i don't know if i understand times are different and that might not even be the option i guess

what i'm saying is the short answer is you should definitely start looking in to your options as opposed to trying to make this solution work. Doesn't mean you have to kick them out tomorrow. It just means you start looking at what options you have. And I don't have all the answers, but a roommate is definitely an option. Taking on a loan is an option. Things like that to help you kind of get this additional income to help you

pay this off. Yeah. And even if you're making a decision that, you know, like everything in life has pros and cons, right? A year and a half ago, it seemed like a best case scenario to be like, yeah, your student loans are fucking up your guys' mutual finances if you got married and he had the money and he paid it off. And that was a great solution then, right?

It had some risk evolved and now it's not a great solution. Now you have to find a different solution. And that solution to that problem might not like, might have its pros and cons. It might have some temporary cons being like, things are going to be tight. Like it's, you're not going to be able to save much money, et cetera, et cetera.

But there's value in being personally freed up to live your life and be happy and not have this baggage and not like, you know, he is is baggage right that because he lives with you and that's there's nothing against him or you you guys are baggage to each other at this point in your relationship and so like you're just better off not putting putting a pause on your personal life to save a little bit of money and i understand like some you understand you might have to do this for a month or two more weeks before you figure it out and take your time and be thankful that your ex-boyfriend,

you guys seem reasonable. It sounds like you're able to communicate. But just start thinking of what those solutions would be because your current solution is not sustainable and you shouldn't try to make that work. Yeah, that's a good point. I haven't really thought about like well so the other issue is like he is currently like in school and he's going to be starting school in january so i don't know

we don't exactly know what his financial situation is going to be yet um i think one thought i think it's important that you guys start realizing that your guys' financial situations are your own situations and not one another's problems. And there's a difference between being understandable and saying, okay, we're in this situation together. Let's work together because we both have these situations and we're going to do the best we can to make it work, but with the mutual agreement that it's separate and you need to work to get them more separate not work to keep them together you know what i'm saying so

like being understanding of the situation is one thing making his situation your situation is another thing and knowing the difference yeah so that's his problem he needs to figure out and you have your problem you need to figure out your problem is is you don't know if like right now you can afford not to get his rent right but there are potential solutions to that problem and you need to figure that out not him and he needs to figure out his solution yeah so because i'm not getting anything from him at the moment so it's he's not even paying you rent no like that's how i'm paying him off so like oh yeah that's right the full mortgage and the full bills so I like I know I could sustain living here by

myself but we bought like a big piece of shit house like the plan was to flip it and like in a few years sell it so it's not a house that like I could stay in on my own anyway like I'm just not that handy some stuff but yeah,

I think it's just like, because like he literally paid $35,000, basically depleted his savings to help me get out of debt. Like if I know I should, like, I know we do, we are separate now, but it's been like really hard switching from switching from, like, relationship to roommate.

Yeah. Like you said. It's not supposed to happen. But I guess, yeah, just to sum it up, right? Yeah. I don't have, like, the financial answers for you. It's not like you're like, here, Nick, here's all my situation. Here's my ex's situation.

What I am simply saying is there's definitely other solutions. And you haven't really explored those yet. And you need to. And not all those solutions are going to solve your problem immediately. And they might, in the short term, make things a little bit more difficult for the both of you. And as long as you can manage through it and maybe, you know, there are solutions. People often just decide off the bat, well's no other solutions this is my problem there are other solutions you just got to find out what those are and it's not always going to be sexy

and pretty up front but at least look into it because you definitely need to figure out how to completely separate from yourselves and you guys need to work together to as individuals to figure out how you can make this work for the both of you but both recognize that you guys have to go your separate ways financially and you know romantically definitely um yeah i you're right i just need to explore uh what options like i need to definitely put my interests ahead of our interests. There is no our anymore, right? Right. And that's what you need to understand.

And you can still be kind and empathetic, but know that there is no our, right? And so you guys need to both do that. But still, like there is a clear goal. And that goal is to truly separate and make it work and understand that there's going to be some tough decisions ahead. But it's important to do that because big picture wise, it's the best thing for you guys. I agree. And then I guess just really quickly then, because kind of like we talked about, like it's not to like, there's no solution that's going to be super quick. Like, I would guess at least another month or so living together.

I'm like I said, we're both like started moving on and like seeing other people. And it's clear like I like I'm not dating anyone to get into another relationship. I'm just like getting back out there, like trying to get my mojo back, essentially. And he is like dating to get into another relationship. I'm just like getting back out there, like trying to get my mojo back essentially. And he is like dating to get into another relationship. So there's already kind of been conversations like, would you be comfortable if she comes over or like, how do you? Well,

again, yeah. So again, you have to put your foot down. There's a reasonableness to it. Like you, yeah. There's only so much you guys should expect from each other.

But you can use that as motivation to be like, this isn't going to work, right? And we really need to sit down together as people who respect one another, who are not in a relationship anymore to figure out how we can make this work. And I guess my point is that sometimes we use the excuse of being like, well, it's easy to want to poke holes into all the different options you have or solutions of why this is going to... Your solution, I guess what I'm trying to say, is not necessarily going to seem better than your current solution financially speaking, right? You're going to have to make some sacrifices financially for the emotional and mental benefit that you're going to gain from it. In the long term, you'll figure it out financially. But what I'm saying is you can't have your cake and eat it too here.

You're both going to have to make some sacrifices. And so you clearly are struggling with that because there's this still bond that you guys have and you're being way too understanding. You guys have to separate and you can use that as saying, no, I'm not okay with that. I don't want to be made to be okay with that, nor do I want to make you okay with that. And that's why we need to figure this out. Okay. Yeah. I mean, absolutely. Like the quickest thing I can think of is basically just refinancing the house

and putting it in his name. And I think like with the refinancing the house and putting it in his name. And I think with the equity in the house, that might just pay him off. Maybe, yeah. With the amount we put into the house. But I keep going back and forth. Do I walk away from my house, my investment? It's not always an easy choice. Again, there's money, there's emotions. You'll have to figure that out. And I think you need to take the time to list them pros and cons. But money isn't always the end all be all, right?

Just because like, oh, you get equity in a house you don't love, but you're stubborn because people are like, oh, don't lose your equity. And I'm not saying you should do that. But like your mental health and emotional health matter too. So you just have to figure that out. And what I'm saying is look at your options and consider them all and don't discount your emotional and mental health. That's just as sometimes as important or if not more important than your financial health and situation. You'll have to weigh the two. I'm not here to tell you

how to weigh those things, but you can figure it out and you just need to start looking at those options and consider them okay yeah you're right i think i haven't been i think i've been telling myself like emotionally i can do this like it'll be weird it'll be hard but like i can already feel like i'm not generally a jealous person but like the thought of like him bringing his new girlfriend here whatever like obviously like i can't imagine that's gonna bring out like yeah people all the time start thinking about how they get asked these absent or absurd things from people they you know were in relationships with and then like a worry that they're gonna be labeled as jealous or insecure no it's a normal thing not to be okay with that it doesn't make you anything other than normal to have that bother you it doesn't mean you

still love him it doesn't mean you like regret your decision. It's just fucking weird, you know, and that's fine. So yeah. Yeah. All right. It is weird.

Okay. Thank you guys so much. Take care. Appreciate it. You too. Bye. Wow. What a great episode.

Was I right? Was I right? Did I kill it? You did. Wow. Nice job, Nick. Anywho, again, it was nice that you did it by

yourself or that you did by yourself we've had some great guests lately but it's nice to hear you you interact with the everybody again yeah and if uh if you haven't had a chance to go listen to the justin long ass nick uh do yourself a favor it's uh it's really fun it's really good uh once again my christmas request if i you know i do like i'm just gonna be selfish here and say i want a christmas gift you know rate us five stars on itunes um you know and if you want to share uh sharing or you know posting your stories i'll reshare some of your stories on my instagram and in the show's instagram can't thank you enough for doing that have a happy holidays don't forget tomorrow. Sarah Silverman helps us break down the final two episodes of the Bachelorette and we'll

have the runner up of this season with me on the vile files to find out if they're going to be okay. Bye. To see if they're going to be okay.