The Viall Files - E216 Ask Nick - I May Be Dating A Psychopath

Episode Date: December 28, 2020

We start this episode of Ask Nick with a caller that has been friends with someone for 20 years and all this time later sees what she thinks is an opportunity for the friendship to be get to the next level, but is she really just Ted from Schitt’s Creek? Second we speak with a woman who would love to have one last hookup at her bachelorette party and thinks her boyfriend should as well, however he is not happy about the scenario for either of them. Next we speak with someone who was just accepting what was being offered to her in a relationship for 2 years instead of asking for what she wanted fearing she would lose him. Finally we speak to someone who wants to know if she is just straight up dating a psychopath! Get ready for next week when we start off the new year with Ask Nick Updates from some of our 2020 callers.  “You gave him too much validation for the consistency he gave you.“ Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Helix Sleep: http://www.helixsleep.com/VIALL for up to 200 dollars off ALL mattress orders.  Noom: http://www.noom.com/VIALL to sign up for your trial today.  Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

you're crazy what's going on everybody welcome to another episode of the vile files you hear my producer chrissy breathing chrissy how are you doing? I'm doing good. I'm in New York. That's so great. I'm actually jealous. I miss New York. I mean, I don't know if New York's what I, you know, anyways. It's a weird time.

I know you miss New York. It's a weird time. As somebody who loves New York, it's a really weird time to be here. It's empty. So it's weird. Like Times Square New York. It's a really weird time to be here. It's empty. So it's weird. Times Square is empty. It's weird. If you guys want to support Chrissy, make sure to watch New Year's Rockin' Eve.

Was it Wednesday night? Thursday night. Thursday night on ABC. Chrissy is producing New Year's Rockin' Eve. Yes! Well, we have a great episode for you, Ask Nick. I feel like I did a solid job.

Solid. You did a really good job on this one. Did an okay job. Our boy, your boy, America's sweetheart, Brendan. You said it right. Joins us tomorrow. A special guest, you may

be able to guess who A special guest. You may want, you may be able to guess who the special guest pops in quickly to say hi to Brendan. There is no episode this Wednesday. We wanted to get these episodes in for you to enjoy this week and the last week of the year so that you could be with your friends or family or, or, or whatever.

If you are dying for some more Vile Files content, I am sure there's an episode out there that you haven't listened to. Go ahead, take a listen. I just want to thank you guys as always. Thanks for listening this year. It's been a fun year. It's been fun recording these episodes. It's so nice to get comments and feedbacks of of the things you

enjoy about the show and for all those people who shared our podcast on their social can't thank you enough for all the reviews of five stars i can't thank you enough and just generally listening uh you're one star people you can go suck a dick um you know who you are you know who you are who you are and now we know who you are because you put your name on it i don't i don't know if you're still listening and you gave us a one star i'm torn. I'm torn. Other than that, I hope you have a really wonderful end of the year. You're going to want to check out the Brendan episode. It's a lot of fun.

I know he's done some other interviews out there. I'm confident, confident that no one dove into Total Necks like I did with Brendan. As well as we get an update from Brendan. Despite, you know, fast forward a year, if Tayshia and Brendan find themselves to be single, would Brendan want to go on a date? His answer might surprise you. Next week, Ask Nick, a lot of you have asked for updates about some of our callers, and we decided

to do an update episode. So if you have been looking forward to getting some updates on some of your callers from the Ask Nick, we did an update episode. Not sure if we'll keep doing these. Let us know if you guys enjoyed hearing the updates from our callers. It was a lot of fun and rewarding to find out I didn't ruin anyone's life. That was nice. And, uh, there's been some pretty positive changes. So it turns out. You're not so bad at this. Does that keep you up at night wondering if you ruined someone's life? I don't really care.

I can take it or leave it. It's fine. I'm kidding. I, you know, listen, I feel good about the advice. I don't know if sometimes I don't, listen, I feel good about the advice. Sometimes I don't know if they're going to take the advice. I'm pretty confident my advice isn't going to ruin anyone. But it was nice to hear that I bat 1,000. Yeah. So that was nice. But make sure to check that out next Monday.

And let us know what you guys think about it. We're not going to do it all the time, but if you enjoyed these catch-ups and its own individual episode, let us know. Maybe we'll do an update with just emails. You know, let us know what you think. And other than that, I guess we should just get to our callers, shall we? Question time with Nick.

Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Good. My name is Chelsea and I'm 28. Hi, Chelsea, 28. How can I help? I don't know how to like kick this off, you know? I think you should just tell us what your question is and if there's a story to offer context i would yeah absolutely um so i've been friends with this guy for i want

to say probably 22 years you've been friends with this guy for 22 years okay yeah how old are you again 28 okay yeah so i met him during pop warner football he was playing football and i was cheerleading and then after that we went into elementary school and high school and you know the rest is history we became best friends so we've always been like attracted to each other i think or i would say that we have been um and's unpack in that sentence, Chelsea. You've always been attracted to each other, I think. I didn't want to. But I'm pretty sure.

Well, then there you go. You should say that I wonder if we've been attracted to each other the whole time, but quite frankly, I'm not entirely sure. Okay. Well, that's what i mean yes so then um as of like the last year we went to our other best friend's wedding we were both in the wedding and i don't know if that kind of set off some sort of like spark or like familiarity i'm not really sure well let's let's talk about let's start with what does this do for you let's talk about from your perspective you've been attracted to him

your whole life you went to a wedding and it and you feel like it sparked off some things for you yeah right yeah yeah okay great well like that's good to get your point of view right now because you're talking about you're speaking for the group and that's why you're calling because you really don't know what the group thinks but what we do know is how you think and feel and we need to start being honest about that okay yeah so all right cool so you went to a wedding uh for someone you've been friends with your whole life someone that you've kind of always been attracted to and for whatever reason haven't done anything about it. And then you went to a wedding and had some drinks

and then everyone was talking about love and marriage and the one. And that just kind of reaffirmed probably something you felt your whole life. Yes. And he did some things that weren't totally clear, but you thought that you could interpret as possibly reciprocating the same feelings that you have. Yes, because he actually said to one of the other bridesmaids that I was in the wedding with, he said to her, like, as we were all, like, you know, drinking, sitting, whatever. And he turned to her and was like, how is Chelsea still single? Like, she's beautiful she's

um like a diamond in the rough i don't know how anyone hasn't scooped her up yet and so then my friend told me that the next day and i was like yo what that's how he's feeling so i think that okay well yeah my mom feels the same way about me, and she doesn't want to date me. Well, don't say that. That's not true. I'm just saying, like, I don't know. No, you're not wrong. You're not wrong. Okay, so that got me thinking, you know what?

Maybe I can see this being as something else. So that night, obviously, obviously you know drinking and everything at our friend's wedding we did make out and then that was kind of the end of that but then since then we've been talking like a lot more a lot more than we normally would have but there has been a lot of sexting okay so just to recap so he yes he admitted something relatively benign that he just thinks you're a great catch like my mom would at a wedding but you also made out at a wedding which i is not something that isn't benign haven't done that with mom uh with your mom. Yeah. It's getting weird.

So did you guys acknowledge the make out? What was it like to make out? Like, were you like, oh my, did it feel like a moment? Did it feel like for you at least that something you, was that the first time you guys have made out or have you guys hooked up in the past before? We've only made out. And I think the last time before that was we were seniors in high school.

Like, so it'd been a long time. Okay, so it's been 10 years since you've made out, which doesn't count. Okay, yeah. It's like a new chapter in your life. But you made out again. And what was that make out like? Was it like weird or awesome or been waiting for that? How did you feel?

It felt just really natural and just very comfortable. Did he say anything? Did he acknowledge anything? Yeah. But I mean, one of us got up or something and we were just so drunk that we went to bed. And then he kept calling alone. Okay. But then because I went upstairs and just went to sleep and he kept calling me, like trying to find me because we were

in like this mansion of a house for the wedding party. Okay. And, um, I mean, we talked about it. Nothing happened. That's fine.

All right. So then you wake up, you're sober, but you're not so drunk that you didn't remember any of this. And did you guys talk about it? Like what, what did, um,

not, we haven't talked about it in person did you know what about over text we have talked about it over text what did you guys and um it's just pretty much a mutual like i loved it kind of thing uh you sent some texts i'm looking at them right now are you in blue i'm blue you are blue so you wrote a developing story semicolon i have a crush on you as of recently not a lot parts not true i've i've sort of been in love with you my whole life and i have been thinking about it i would feel disingenuous. Oh, he hearted this comment by the way. I know. I know.

That's nice. You know, could have been a better response, but it's been a thumbs up. I would feel disingenuous. You're right. Not saying anything. If this is one-sided, that is okay. No hard feelings as long as we are still friends, honey. Also not true.

feelings as long as we are still friends honey also not true he in a very playful way sends you a chris farley emoji well hello then of like the chris farley checking you out i assume he's like acknowledging your honesty well this is in from this information is quite fascinating like in 1800s mozart piece what the fuck fascinating okay no could just be just because his way i mean to be honest oh that's not great i haven't read this by the way i'm reading this for the first time a lot you haven't read oh this is like a live reading this is a live reading to he i mean to be honest he writes okay uh oh you've been my bestie uh oh without testes since NAM

is he four? have you ever heard this aloud? what's NAM? what's NAM? since NOM I can't so i love you more than a fat kid loves cake reading this text message like to myself i was like i don't like how you're trying to make my support for you is endless there's such a butt coming oh actually i see it there with four t's and so our blood and so our blood

rushes you to give you my male part wait my support for you is endless and so and so are the blood rushes you give me to my male part his dick he writes but and then he follows that with a butt with four t's at the moment i'd be doing us a disservice to you saying i feel exactly like you are it doesn't even make sense so that's just a long-winded saying the way of saying i don't feel the same way i know what a dick i don't know how to say it you just just did. In a good way because no, well, you failed. Because you make me hard. I needed you to read this. I don't know how to say it in a good way because no matter what way I say it,

it's going to sound negative or stupid. In a reality, the stupid was me. In reality, it's not even close to being a negative. Well, no, you're right. He's right. Him not liking you is not a negative.

It might feel it. Right. I mean, could I? Yes, he writes. What a fucking dick. Just stop there. But it's like a 20 plus year friendship where we've been besties so that's just been a natural mindset when we interact and if that is even remotely makes sense not really colin well can we get back to besties with testes

i know i know and it kept being repeated and i was like dog I don't really want okay stop calling him dog you guys where are you guys fucking from where do you guys talk this way what do you want what do I want I wanted to see potential in it but I just don't I think the thing that kind of caught me off guard was the could I

yes because it's like why would you say that that's all nonsense he just doesn't know what to say and he doesn't want to make you feel bad so he's trying to balance out how to compliment you enough all while just telling you he doesn't feel the same way he doesn't feel the same way okay yeah could he i don't know but the question is what do you want and this whole like scenario of like well you know he's been in my life for so long and i just don't think i can sacrifice the friendship like are you just bored is he just there if you don't end up with him and you meet someone new and you're being totally honest with yourself and your future lover that you've never met with and he like i let's say

we start dating and you date me you you you meet someone who you know loves a good honesty and can kind of read into things like I can. And he's like, hey, listen, babe, no problem. You like this guy. It didn't work out. He's not your friend. You've always had a crush on him. That's fine.

But I'm a little uncomfortable with how honest with yourself you are about the situation. Nothing bothers someone more than dating someone who's just lying to themselves. Listen, I had a crush on this guy my whole life. It didn't happen. I've accepted it. I've moved on. Oh, great. That sounds like someone who's processed their emotions over the years.

And now because they've been honest with themselves, they can evaluate it. If you start dating a new guy and you're still like, well, I don't know. I mean, like, I don't really love him. But like, you know, then it just becomes frustrating for this new guy. Do you really think you could be best friends with this guy if you find someone else and now you should assume you're going to find someone someday right um i think i could yes because for a majority of our friendship which pretty much okay let's say how many people how many boyfriends have you had? Serious boyfriends? Yeah. Three.

And how many, and while you were dating these serious boyfriends, how integral was Colin in your life? While those relationships were going, or did he, or did it go on a back burner? And does it always like steam up when you have free time or when he has free time? I feel like he definitely gets jealous if I have somebody else in my life. But I also feel as though I kind of get the same kind of jealousy when he has someone else in his life. Oh, no, it's a two-way street. It's not just him. What I'm saying is you guys aren't just friends. This is not a just friend situation.

Yeah. It's some sort of like in-between situation. What you have is gotten used to whatever this is right which is some romantic chemistry some physical chemistry uh some sort of enablement and and they're for each other in a time of need or boredom or in between finding people but what at least his point of view is what he doesn't, he thinks he can do better than you romantically. Right.

That's what his ego thinks. Right. And you have accepted a friendship because he is not willing to give you more. That's not a friendship, right? You've, you've always wanted more from this friendship your whole life. And you've just

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off track. It's just about maintaining good practices and great habits. There is a science to getting healthier. It's called Noom. Sign up today for your trial at noom.com. That's Noom, noom.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Learn how to eat healthy again with Noom. Sign up for our free trial today at N-O-O-M dot com slash V-I-A-L-L. Ready to learn how to live healthier? Well, then sign up for Noom today at N-O-O-M dot com slash V-I-A-L-L. I think you need to just risk the friendship, as they say. Give up on the friendship.

Say goodbye to the friendship. Who knows what could happen in the future? Maybe it will rekindle someday. I don't know. But go for what you really want. And what you really want is something with him. He, he, there's no, you were never going to get the answer you wanted with that text. Yeah.

Right. Because he doesn't have to choose. You'll be there for him. He just, he can, you know, he thinks that if he compliments you enough, like, oh, you make my dick hard. But, uh, you know, thanks. I know. He thinks that it's going to make you feel good enough

that you'll stick around and be like, okay, cool, Colin. Like, you're right. We'll just be friends. Sorry. Right. Oh, I think I was also kind of pushing it because I was like, okay, I'm not going to be so scared to say this to him because he lives in a different state than I do. So I was like, okay, well, God forbid. Right. So God forbid. I was like, if he felt the same way, then maybe like he, I don't think he's staying in New Hampshire forever. You know what I mean? And like, i don't plan on going back you can't you can't sit there and try to figure this all out right this is 20 some years of a friendship you here's my my i don't know if you're gonna take it but if you if you want something special i'm asking i'm asking

i think you should go for it i think you should go for it and go for it says you you've already put it out there yeah you could respond have to this? Like, what did you say back? Um, I said that I've just thought about it from every angle and that I would understand where he was coming from, no matter what he really had to say about it. But then the other day, um, we kind of hadn't talked for a few days just because I was like,

I'm just going to let that simmer for a little bit because I don't really know what he's thinking. And I don't want to kind of beat a dead horse here and like keep talking about it so the other day I texted him and I said um I literally said hey not to be a dead horse I just want to make sure that we're cool and that like you handled the thing that I said the other day I don't think you should give him any pats pats on the back I hear here's what I think you should give him any pats, pats in the back. I hear it. Here's what I think you should do. You just be honest and, and correct me if I'm wrong. And I'm just going to, I think you should say, Hey, I've thought about what I've said

and, and, and what you said, and there are no hard feelings, but I need to be honest with myself. And the honest truth is like, I love you. I want to be with you. I'm in love with you. If I could choose anyone in this world, I'd want to choose it with you. I know we have a messy past, but it also, you are the best part of my life and I want to take the risk and, and, and it's willing, I'm, it's worth it to me to risk the friendship

to see if we have a chance. And I don't, you know, I'm willing to make that relationship with you a priority. And if you don't feel the same way, that is okay. I will understand, but i don't want like but i i i need to move on because i do love you and i need to find i want to find love and you are stopping me from finding love because i i love you and that's okay and you need to be willing to give up on the friendship and say goodbye to the friendship and not have them always be there for you and find a new person to talk to when you're bored or sad

or in between friends and let it go and then you have to see and it's going to take some time and what he's going to do at first is not give you the answer that you want he's going to be like oh right well thanks for being honest and i don't know if i feel the same way and i'm sorry and i can't do that and see if in six months or 12 months he comes around when you disappear out of his life and that's going to take some real discipline you have to actually let him go like why do you watch schitt's creek you know of course i watched that yeah like so like you're you're ted you know she's dead i don't want to be ted you're ted that's fine ted you know he he got the girl, but what did Ted do? He let her go.

He met someone else. He said goodbye. He accepted the reality, even though he never really wanted it. He stopped pretending. He stopped hiring her as an assistant and finding different ways to keep her close without having her. You know, we all do that, right? So, you know, you're Ted. You're Ted in all forms.

If it like, you know, now it's just like, it's cool. I'll have you be ted you're ted in all forms if it like you know now it's just like it's cool i'll have you be my assistant i'm totally cool with it i'm totally sure enough for that no you're not you're just lying to yourself like i never thought of it that way so you're ted right and now you need to fire him as a friend and you need to be honest and you need to find someone else and see if see if she comes around see if alexis comes around yeah no you're definitely right god i feel like you're that is your new best analogy ever like yeah and now i'm gonna constantly think about it because schitt's creek is my favorite show so this is gonna be oh i never thought so you need to yeah you need to say goodbye you know and again this is gonna take

some time and you don't sit around and wait for six months for for alexis to come around you need to actively move on and give her and find something because you know that's this is going to go the best your best case is a schitt's creek situation but what did ted have to do he had to lose her he had to find someone else he had to say goodbye to find the cheese lady you have to find your own cheese lady and you have to give the cheese lady a real shot because you will never really know until no absolutely absolutely and and and and uh your alexis has to really realize and really has to really be afraid of losing you. He has to come around and think, oh my God, I do love. You're making my heart like come out of my mouth.

So that's what you need to do. That's what's going on here. And there's really no other scenario. No, I appreciate you shooting to me straight. I think that's what I needed to hear. So thank you. And you know what? if it doesn't work out the way it did for ted and alexis you'll be fine but what you will be is free of this what you call a friendship that all is it's just it's really it's something that's held you back it's it could be the reason why you haven't found

someone else because you've if it's not the ted and alexis situation then you've been over qualifying or validating this friendship right you know yeah no that makes sense okay over validating yeah right and i i have a problem making boundaries a lot of the time too and i'm working on it i talked to my therapist about it i'm working on it but i feel like those kind of hold hands in a way so no that makes sense yeah so yeah that's what you need to do no thank you for being honest i appreciate it stop being you know stop you're not friends stop stop when you watch schitt's creek and you're in and ted had hired alexis as an assistant when you're not friends as a viewer you're like Ted what are you doing right torture

what torture Ted why are you torturing yourself that's what you do when you like hang out as friends with with Colin yeah yeah and Ted would have said besties with testes no Alexis Alexis would have Alexis would have said

something you know that's Alexis being awkward. This text is Alexis being awkward. And it's just like, what the fuck are you saying? I don't know. You know? So the roles are reversed. Thank you, guys. God, shit's creaked for days.

This will now be in my brain forever. Thank you. All right. Well, thank you, all right well thank you guys all right best of luck thanks so much all right take care bye yeah you too bye how's it going it's going well thanks how are you i'm doing well what's your name sarah hi sarah how well How old are you? I'm 28. Awesome. How can I help? So my boyfriend and I had a... Well, we've been dating for two years. We're not engaged, but we talk about it often. So out of the blue, the other day, I told him if he wants to make out with someone in public at his bachelor party, whenever that happens, I think he should. And I think that would be really fun for

him i don't make sure i'm following here you're not engaged but you threw out a hypothetical yes okay but we talk about it all the time it's very much on our radar we're just not going to get engaged during a pandemic and then for some reason you said hey you know what if we get engaged and you have a bachelor party and you want to make out with someone well i brought it up because i want to be able to make out with someone with a stranger at my back oh so that was your motivation yeah so that the thought of him making out with another girl i don't care if he does no you're you don't get turned on by it does it make you mad and jealous no you just don't care it's not emotional if he was texting someone or going on dates with someone that would bother me

but if he wants to have a random i'm just asking yeah i'm just asking oh yeah but your motivation is because you want to yeah okay and why do you fair if i want to hey listen i recognize that why do you want to because i want like one last hurrah i want one night my bachelorette party where i can like go out and i can do whatever i want and not not know what's gonna happen and feel free for one night do you not feel free in your relationship? This is my first boyfriend at 28 because I've never allowed that title ever on anyone I've dated

because I'm a commitment phobe. I love him. I'm so happy with him. Wouldn't want to be with anyone else. But I would like one last night of feeling single. Okay. And he responded with? He was like,

are you telling me this because you want to make out with someone at your bachelorette party? Because the answer is no. And I don't want to make out with anyone at my bachelor party. And you said? Why not? But you admitted that was your motivation? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. And he got mad or?

He just got really, I think it hurt his feeling. Sure. or he just got really i think it hurt his feeling sure i think but we see it very differently like to him he sees maybe me wanting to or me being okay with him doing it as like maybe me like loving him a little less which just isn't the case and i understand how old is he 28 okay he's been cheated on so i'm sure that that plays into it but like for it to be cheating in my opinion there needs to be some level of deception i would never cheat on him and if he doesn't want me to do this i won't do it but i want to be allowed to yeah um so what's your question the question is um well i would like to know if you if this was proposed to you by your

imaginary fiance what would your opinion on it be and then also well my opinion is is complete like you know what i'm saying that's a personal preference so like i know but i just i'm curious well i'm i'm older than your boyfriend i've i've lived more life than your boyfriend i've experienced more things. My answer at 28 would be very different than my answer now. Okay, fair. I guess to answer your question, I appreciate your mindset, and I can get on board with it. And I see love differently now than I did when I was 28, and I value love differently now than I was 28 and I personally would be attracted and turned on by

your honesty that's me and that takes a level of and I'm not trying to pat myself on the back a level of maturity that I just didn't have back then and a lot of that hems from my life experiences your boyfriend may never get it he may never need that maybe there's something fucked up with me or and you that we like require this type of like weird honesty i don't know but i also value honesty right for me i recognize i don't think i don't i don't think love has to do with not being attracted to anyone else, right? I agree. Exactly. And I recognize that we are humans and animalistic to a certain extent, right?

We're also like cerebral beings. And so, yes, I'm an analytical person who thinks about all these things in life and I can go down that path. And so if I believed, say, like we were dating and I believed you and your motivation, yeah, I would be totally cool with it. But that does not mean you'd be like, oh, well, I just talked to this guy on his podcast and you should. He has every right not to be cool with it. Of course he does. Of course he does. My other question is, do you think it's worth bringing up again when this becomes like a reality and not a hypothetical that's for you to decide whenever this is i do think you guys should just

stop talking about being engaged so much until you're engaged yeah it's fun i'm on this big kick rate lately of people of like stop fucking pretending that you're in a situation you're not like you're not engaged and that's okay and quite frankly there is a freedom there and a fun enjoy the moment right enjoy the present enjoy not being engaged right and then enjoy being engaged when you are engaged but you're not right so like just enjoy where you're at a hundred percent to answer your question like yeah it's because of the pandemic so it's not like we're not there yet if that makes sense well why can't you get engaged during a pandemic because i want to like be able to hug my grandma when i get engaged i want to just i

mean we're not in a huge rush so i want to be able to have an engagement party and like be with my family and i don't i don't see the i find that to be kind of interesting and ironic i know completely two different things, but I'm not discounting wanting to hug your grandma, but you can hug your grandma whenever, right? You've had it in your mind your whole life that when you get engaged as maybe as a young woman, you're like, the first thing I want to do

is hug my mom and my grandparents, right? So you planted that seed in your mind and now you want to fulfill that dream. And somewhere along the lines, your boyfriend decided, I want to be with someone who doesn't want to fuck other dudes or make out with them and i'm only going to be enough for them even whether that's reality or not you get what i'm saying you see that like logic and very two different things but this is all based on the idea of like the idea of something and what you've told yourself so you know it's good

that you want to hug your grandma but like you know if you guys are ready to get engaged i just think that i mean we're 28 there's not like a huge rush i also agree with that pandemic but so what i'm saying is so we'll wait a little regardless of the fact that there is a pandemic and that's why you're not getting engaged you're still not engaged to stop acting like you're engaged right you're not fair enough? You're not. Fair enough. Yeah, we're not. And things can change. Right? And you can learn. So you never know. Should you table it and bring it up again? I don't know. Um, this is who you are. And that might not change. And while it might not be about just making out with someone, you know, maybe is it just about having one night i just it's i just want one more night of feeling

like single because i when we decided to start dating it happened very it didn't happen quickly we were dating for a long time before we officially started dating but like it kind of just happened and i i wasn't like i wasn't prepared for it i'm happy but i never got one last night because i didn't know the next day he was going to be my boyfriend do you know what i'm happy but i never got one last night because i didn't know the next day he was going to be my boyfriend do you know what i mean yeah but no one does that's not how yeah i mean i know that's not how it works this is my first there's a reason that i've always shied away from this and so now i'm not and i'm happy but i just want one more and i like the attention i just want one more night of whatever i want. Maybe, maybe you should be engaged with

someone who's a little bit more open-minded. I don't know. Maybe your boyfriend will get there. All the reasons why I'm saying, you know, focus on what you have, stop planning for the future, enjoy the moment, stop saying something that's going to be for sure when you don't know for sure because, you know, you're not engaged. And, you know, you clear that you're passionate about this and that's fine, you know. And I think what I think is you should explore this frame of mind that you have with yourself and then with someone that you ultimately say you should be able to have any type of conversation because he's your best friend. You can talk about anything, even the hard stuff, right? Yeah. So in that sense, I think you should explore it. I don't think your whole focus should be about

getting your rocks off whenever it is you have your bachelorette party. He's going to be like, why are you so obsessed with this? But if it's the idea of, I think there's something inside you that I want to feel. I think whoever whoever here's what i think whoever you get engaged to whether it's this guy or not should be able to hear the honest truth and the honest truth is you want one last night of a feeling of feeling free exactly and i think he should be able to hear that from your voice and be able to process it and if even if he gets frustrated and mad and insecure about it you guys should be able to talk about that in a productive way so you can understand each other's needs and And maybe you can meet those needs

in other ways. Or maybe he just has to let you make out with a dude. Or maybe you have to break up and find someone else who would be. I don't know. But I do think you should be able to have that conversation with someone you plan on getting engaged to. For sure. And I feel like I can. It's just hard, I think, for him to understand that it's so much less about me needing to make out with someone. Because he kept being like, why do you need to make out with someone so badly? And it's really not about that. Ask him a question. Ask him a question.

Say, listen, I have the utmost confidence that you love me. I have the utmost confidence that you're attracted to me. Whatever. Do you find other women attractive? If he's honest, he's say yes right like you know do you ever fantasize like sometimes you have to lead people down a path you know get him this is a bit manipulative and machiavellian but i'm just saying a little manipulative it's fine so like you just lead him down a path of like questions he has no if he's honest he has to answer yes to,

has he fantasized about other women while in a relationship with you? Of course he has. It doesn't matter to what degree. I don't know. Does he watch porn and masturbate when you're not there? Probably. Right. Why does he do that?

Does he only look at pictures of you naked when you're masturbating? Probably not. You're right. So get him. Why is that? You know? Yeah. And then you say, well, that's ultimately

like, you know, I love you. You're the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. But there's a level of freedom and excitement and I love the idea that there are objects to me and I want to come home to you, but I want that freedom. I mean, you could try that way. I like that approach. Thank you. You know.

So yeah, you just have to be able to have conversations with him. And if you're trying to get him to understand your point of view, you do that by asking him questions that he would answer yes to, that he has to answer yes to if he's being honest with himself. That would be similar to the type of feelings that you're feeling. I'm going to do that when we're actually engaged. No, do it now you think okay this is a conversation about a relationship it's like you know this is not a this no this you should definitely do it now before you engage because you never know how that conversation is going to go yeah yeah no that's true. You might find out something, like, it's very easy to,

you think about relationships and dating and engagements, is that the real hard shit sometimes doesn't come up until we're forced to face it, right? And sometimes we face these after we're married or we have kids or financial problems. You have an opportunity to have a conversation now that's untraditional, that might stir up some things, that might shed some light

on some fundamental differences you guys have, what it means to love and express love and be seen and heard, that might either bring you closer together or bring you further apart. And it's great to know that now

rather than when you're engaged or married. And so many of us avoid those conversations because it's like, well, I'll just wait and do it now. See what happens. Thank you. That is great advice. I'm going to, I like this approach.

All right. Well, best of luck. Let me know if you are able to be set forth into the world. I'll send a follow-up email. You know, hey, I just had my bachelorette party. I totally had a hot night of passion. We'll want that follow-up.up yeah I'll definitely send it it might be a while but but yeah don't be afraid to have those tough conversations I won't all right thank you Nick all right best of luck take care thanks all right bye-bye hi Nick how are you good how are you

thanks all right bye-bye hi nick how are you good how are you i'm good uh so my name's ashley i'm 21 and i have a lot of background story to share for you um yeah so basically i've been in an entanglement um or situationship whatever you like to call it for two years now. I met this guy in March 2019. We hit it off. Everything was great. He was super big, respectful, a gentleman. He had it all. He was at the time. Okay, wait, now he's 24. So basically, two months later, he found out that he was getting loaned to the U.S. to play soccer there. And I'm from Canada. So this meant he had to pack all his things and leave within two days to move to the U.S. for eight months. And so, yeah, I was upset, but honestly, I was still not that attached to him. But then over the next eight months, I grew attached to him, mostly because he would message me literally every day. And I remember thinking like, why is he doing this? But nonetheless, like he was always respectful.

He never played stupid mind games. Like he would always reply and be excited to talk. And then he did return to Canada eight months later. He was only here for five days and something was off. Um, and so since we weren't, we weren't official, I didn't want to like overstep. Um, and I didn't want to be annoying. I wanted to give him his space. Can I ask you a question? Yeah. In these eight months that he was gone and you guys were talking on somewhat of a regular basis and you said you weren't official, were you dating? were you actively going on any dates with anyone else like yes but yes yes great all right cool yeah continue um okay so basically um yeah so he was here the vibes were weird and um looking back like we spoke and he told me that he was hoping I would take initiative and I was hoping the same.

So there was like some type of miscommunication. And I don't know if it was related to the fact that like we haven't seen each other for eight months. And there was like so much pressure on those five days. And it just created some weird vibes. But the problem was that on his last day in my city, he didn't actually tell me he was leaving. And so like it's true that he didn't know he would be leaving that day and he only found out a few hours prior to his flight but imagine how I felt like to wake up finding out he's halfway across the world in his home country and so although I'm not like confrontational, I expressed my upset that he didn't even say goodbye.

And so I was thinking like if he discovered he didn't actually like me over these past five days, this would be his chance to tell me either verbally or by ignoring me that he's over it. Cause he wouldn't have to see me again. So like, I remember when you say home country, like where is he from?

Europe. What country? Spain. Spain. wouldn't have to see me again so like I remember when you say home country like where is he from uh Europe what country Spain yeah exotic uh okay what else keep going uh so yeah basically I um I asked him like I was like okay I need to grow some balls and ask him what he wants and I did and then to my surprise he wasn't scared of my message he didn't ignore it or take long to answer but immediately he told me like he apologized and expressed um like how he was stressed had a lot on his mind and like wants to keep in contact because of how much he likes me and so over the next month or two like our connection was still strong we would facetime and message and um he did find out that he wasn't going to be coming back to my city um so that was depressing but nonetheless we still kept in contact and um then corona happened there was like lockdown and then I'd say two months ago,

I discovered he has some type of a girl. And like, it makes sense because things have been off. Like we haven't been talking as much. And I found this girl, yeah, I felt awful. And like, other than the fact that she's my literal twin, like physically looks just like me, that hurt, but like, whatever it the fact that she's my literal twin, like physically looks just like me. That hurt. But like, whatever it is what it is. I also noticed like red flags. So like, he still tried keeping in super great contact with me.

And he obviously didn't know I was aware of her. And so specifically, he would majorly flirt with me. And that showed me he was trying to balance the two of us at once and that like he could have been doing it all along and I just don't understand like how does somebody talk to I don't know multiple girls for months on end and like is this just a master player disguised as like a really good guy and, is he not who I thought he was all along? Like, that's just my beginning question. That's the beginning question.

Yeah. Is there a follow up question? Yeah. So here, I just want to like ask you, like, what do you think he got out of talking to me? Like, obviously, we couldn't be together physically. So I don't understand why he felt the need to like hold on to me. And like, in my opinion, he could have filled the void for like a conversation with literally anyone

else. So like, I don't know if I'll ever understand. And as a guy, like, what, what do you think that was? I mean, you served some sort of role for him, right? I mean, it's hard to get, it's hard to find connections in general right it's right um and he clearly found someone in you that was understanding and nice and he obviously liked you and it was probably attracted to you and and you seem to be willing to have these somewhat regular face times text message conversations. My guess is, you know, from time to time he would, you know, talk, you know, he was moving

to a new city, right? Here's this person who's from Europe and from Spain, doesn't have a lot of familiarity, doesn't have a lot of friends. Even if he makes friends in these new cities, like, you know, we all seek some sort of comfort and regularity and things that we can rely on. And you probably became that person. Listen, my guess is he's in a very selfish state of his life right now. And he lacks the character or the maturity to not recognize that to the point where he's not willing to lead you on and have you be at the position you are right now. Right.

We can all be selfish. Right. Yeah. We can all do selfish things. Sometimes it's good. You know, this. Right. Where he missed. It's not that it's fine for him to be selfish right now

here's this young 20 you know two-year-old at the time 24 year old now he's traveling the world playing pro soccer semi-pro whatever it is right and that's definitely a time to be selfish right and what he shouldn't do is try to have his cake and eat it too. He shouldn't, he should be upfront with you at a time when you even give him an opportunity. You know, I'm guessing it's probably like he never said, Hey, listen,

I really like you. You've been there for me, but it's, you know, with me living where I live or it's just, um, I like you. I think a friendship is as much as I can offer you at the time.

Right. Did he ever say anything like that? No. It was always more like, you're the only person I would like to date. And like, it was. But he doesn't want to date now. Kind of thing. Right.

Yeah. So, but like, it's easy to. So let me ask you this. Like when he told you he doesn't want to date, even though you would be the only person he wants to date. Do you want a boyfriend right now? I think yes. Like I'm, for example, like just like being like I haven't had a boyfriend for so long. I'm ready to like change something up in my life. And I mean,

you've invested all of your energy and time on this one person. Listen, this could be a, it, it, it feels disheartening when we feel misled or used, right. You probably feel very used right now in a way,

but I also want to say like, I don't have regrets because like, I feel like he saw such a good side of me and part of me is like if that wasn't good enough then like I don't know what is I kind of reached reached like a tipping point well there you go yeah I mean it's not about you being good enough right yeah it's really like this you mentioned this other girl who looks just like you and that hurt because you know then your ego is like well she looks like me right so he he met that need with her then what does she have that i don't

like that's what your ego's wondering right that what's that's why it hurts right but it has nothing to do with either of you like he has a physical type that's the answer to the question of like why she looks just like you yeah yeah and why he's also hanging out with her is because you know she's also available when you're not he doesn't have to get too attached to either of you maybe it's a defense mechanism on his part that's not an excuse for you to try to fix him by any stretch of the imagination maybe she's more local than you right who knows she is probably uh wondering the same things that you are. You probably could be Fred's. You probably would like compare notes and be like, oh, this motherfucker, you know, you know.

But this is a good experience for you. Right. You're young. You met him when you were 19. Now you're 21. This is, you know, you probably felt some feelings of love and excitement. This was a great learning opportunity for you and probably i hope what you learned is to like look for the signs of you know qualifying you know your fuck boys your players whatever you want to talk about and the biggest thing is what what was he this whole time right he well like what of anything what was he i mean i'll just give you the answer he was really inconsistent constantly right that's it over the course of the past two years he was inconsistent he might have been consistent for three days but then he was

inconsistent for four you know but like see i feel like it's easy to shit on him and be like that but honestly for the longest time i didn't have anything to complain about he actually was consistent and i was shocked i'm like this doesn't make any sense consistent over the course of these two years okay not no like consistent like a boyfriend you would at the beginning yeah okay at the beginning but i'm talking about like months okay months so but for months what's consistent in your your mind like every day i would have some form of contact with him okay basically did you ever want more uh yeah like so like we've talked about um like he's invited me to his date but um it hasn't worked out and partly due to what I'm asking is in the time where you first started

dating where you're hearing and some degree every day. Yeah. If you were honest with yourself, did you at times think to yourself, well, I kind of want to see where this is going. I'd like more. No, for sure. Yeah. So that's what I mean. Right.

But whether it was you wanted to be like the cool chick and you didn't want to pressure him or push him. Right. You wanted more. And either you asked for more and he didn't give it or you didn't ask for more so like what you did is you gave him too much validation for the consistency he gave you but like not consistency of her relationship you know that makes sense you know if you like it you we hang out with it yeah we said yeah you said you're okay we meet someone their relationships are supposed to grow especially early on they're supposed to mature you're supposed to they're supposed to evolve you spend more time together

you get to know each other they become more intimate you count on each other for things that's a relationship that turns into like a boyfriend or a girlfriend situation yeah but we kind of plateaued you got yeah you plateaued and then you decided to, you know, just accept what he was offering at the risk of losing what you had with him as opposed to saying, no, I want more from this at the risk of losing him. I'm going to really put my foot down and see if he's willing to give it. So that's just what hopefully you can learn from this situation is next time not to be afraid to say what you want out of this. And, you know, like I always say say trust your gut you know and don't don't give a ton of validation for like minimal effort you know texting you every day is nice yeah but like there's a lot more you would i'm guessing when you say like what do i

want a boyfriend and how i want someone to make me feel like hearing from them every day is like bare minimum you know like that's like showing up to work. Like you can show up to work every day and still be a shitty employee. That's true. You know? Okay. Well, I guess, yeah, going back, I definitely should have just done something earlier on, like set my ground. I think a big thing you need to focus on is don't spend a lot of energy or any energy thinking about what you wish you would have done differently for that relationship. Yeah. It's just a small thing. But what you should think about is what will you do differently in the future with the next person? When these behaviors show up, how are you going to recognize it faster? And how are you going to challenge yourself to like,

state what you want and put your foot down so that, you know, three or four months of love affairs don't turn into a two-year kind of attachment of someone who's never really giving you enough to deserve two years of your life. That's true. So now I'm like in this spot where I'm like super attached. And what do you think I should do? You got to let go. You got to cut them off, you know. But like, just.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, you say attachment, like you're a little bit of addicted to this feeling. He's, you know, he's it this itch. He's scratching, you know. Right. It's, you know, toxic stimulation, sour patch, kid analogy, whatever you want to call it. You know, you are from time to time when you hear

from him, he gives you a fix. And now, right now, you spend a lot of energy trying to get that fix, being patient when you're not getting that fix. And so that's what it is. So it's more of an addiction than an attachment. I would call it that. And I think you just got to try to go cold turkey. You know, you really got to. to go cold turkey you know you really gotta and you have to be okay with going through periods of loneliness boredom sadness you know like you can't have that you get over this you can't avoid some some periods of being uncomfortable yeah and I feel like now especially I'm finding it so hard like I can't really hang out with people yeah you become a bit obsessed probably.

And you're spending more time having a relationship with him in your head than you are in reality. Yeah, and I think that's what hurts is like I never had the chance to have an actual relationship. So I'm always thinking about like, oh, it could have been this. It could have been that. Yeah, and it's not. But like you have to like, you got to give yourself some tough love. You got to be like, hey, well, this is a waste of all this time having this relationship with this guy in my head i want to have a person he's just a guy you know the exotic he's from europe and spain he plays soccer like

plenty of probably hot soccer players in toronto that will come and go like you're young there's a lot of guys just give them a chance but you just have to see this for what it is. It's, it's just toxic stimulation. It's just a guy who's been able to, you know, make you confused and questioning yourself and your, your ego is, is really loud right now. And it's kind of telling you all these things. It's just like, you, you're hot enough. You're good enough. What, what does she have that you don't, you know, she looks just like you and all those things. It's not about you. It's not about her. he's just in a very selfish period of his life right now and he lacks the character just to be upfront about that or the self-awareness or whatever it is but it's not your problem but you're making it your problem all right so i'm gonna i guess

try my best um and take your advice i you can do it. I believe in you, but take some discipline. But this is the answer. I can promise you that much. Thank you so much. I appreciate the insight. All right. Take care.

Thank you, too. All right. Bye-bye. How's it going? Hi. Good. How about you how about you good i'm wonderful thanks for asking i'm katarina i'm 26 hi katarina 26 how can i help so um i wrote in because i recently started dating someone who i think might be a psychopath i'm not sure yet. Anyway, so to get started, I've known this guy for about a year over Instagram only. So we went back and forth a million times about hanging out. We live about 40 minutes away from each other. And he always used the excuse that

he couldn't like see me because of work and he works as a paramedic. So he's always like three or four days straight, that kind of thing. We finally made plans one night randomly, like a few weeks ago. And I had posted something on my story. He replied to it and said, Hey, you should come see me, yada, yada, whatever. I have the weekend off. So I always have weekends off because I work like a nine to five job so i went to go see him we had a great time like amazing we hung out yes we had um relations that first night i'll say you had sex congratulations that's awesome there's no shame in it you don't have to apologize yeah don't come for me women okay anyways um i did it don't don't regret it at all we had a great great time, like I said. Woke up the next morning. We kind of talked about everything. That night, he was kind of, I don't know, we had a few glasses of wine, I'll say. He said he was obsessed with me, said he wanted to pursue a relationship with me and wanted me to be his right away, right?

right? So I made a comment and I said, well, it's not ever going to work because you said that you can't do a long distance relationship and that you're a kinesthetic learner, however you say that word, is basically physical touches is love language. He told me and that he couldn't do a long distance relationship a few months ago. So he said, well, that was before I met you. Like I didn't, now I want, I know what I know what I want and it's this and I can deal with that. Once he got to touch you he was all in yeah pretty much right okay so feathering your cap yeah there you go so um we continue our night whatever like so we woke up we talked about it again he said I freaked him out because I said we weren't going to work out and he was still pretty upset about it. Now we woke up, like I

said, and he asked me if I wanted to stay and have like lunch and breakfast. I was in his hometown, which is like, like I said, 40 minutes away from me. And he took me to lunch outside, obviously, because we couldn't go inside anywhere. And the whole time he was acting really weird. Like he kept looking around his, his hometown's really small. And I finally asked him, I'm like, what's your problem, dude? Like you keep like, it looks like you're like so nervous right now. And he said, well, a lot of girls hate me in this town because I've like screwed them over and stuff. Okay. Red flag number one.

Yeah, I know. I'm an idiot. Okay. I mean, you didn't know this at the time, but all right, continue. Stop. Do me a favor. Yes. In life.

Stop judging yourself so quickly. And while doing this story, but continue. Stop. Give me a favor. Yes. In life. Stop judging yourself so quickly and while doing the story, but continue. Yeah. Thank you. I appreciate that. So I took that with a grain of salt. He took me to the store

to go buy cologne because he said he wanted to get my opinion on how he smelled because he said he wanted to smell good for me. We went and got the cologne he liked that I liked, I should say.

And I went home that night. He told me to text him when I got home. I didn't. I fell asleep because I was really tired. He called me. Whatever. We had a communication about how we would proceed with our relationship going forward, a.k.a. I'm not great at texting.

I never reply. I'm pretty bad at it. A lot of my family and friends hate me for it. Whatever. It is what it is. I can't change it. I told him that. He said he accepted that. We would call all our FaceTimes. So we see each other again. I'm trying to think of what else happened. I know there was way more stuff that has happened in between. I go see him again. Everything's great. He tells me that he told his parents about me and that he told them that I was

his girlfriend. And I looked at him and I said, well, you didn't ever ask me to be your girlfriend. He said, oh, I just, I thought like we kind of, this is what we both wanted. And I said, well, I mean, let's have a conversation about it. Like when we're not drunk. So we had a conversation about it. He said, this is what he wanted, what I wanted. So we were going to continue with that. He wanted me to meet his parents. And I said, I was up to it, obviously in the future, not right away. He said that was fine. He said that he felt like I might've like freaked out a little bit because the way I was acting, I think I was just kind of shocked. So fast forward, we're kind of looking through our Instagram and we're looking

at old pictures of each other. And it hit me that he like is so much bigger than the guy that I first remember talking to a year ago. And so I keep making comments. I'm like, Hey, like you, you, you got really muscular. Like you're, you're pretty big. Like, you know, and he's not saying anything. He just keeps saying, I'm taking supplements. I'm taking supplements. I'm like, okay, well, that's cool. Whatever. Like I go home that night and, or no, I spent the night again, had more relations. And, uh, the next time, or he asked me a question, he said, do you like skinny guys? Or do you like guys that are like, kind of built up? And I said, honestly, I'm not a big fan of like the muscular look. I like thinner guys. That's just my preference. I could tell kind of maybe hurt his ego a little bit.

Um, so we got to know each other's relationships and all of that stuff. I go home. I feel like he was being really insecure when I got home. He was like blowing me up, like asking me why I wasn't replying right away, like just being kind of like obnoxious and insecure and crazy in my opinion. So I told him I needed some time just to leave me alone. Like I was like, you're being really weird. This is all so fast. Like I'll talk to you to leave me alone like I was like you're being really weird this is all so fast like I'll talk to you tomorrow and he basically texted me like five times saying he was sorry for his the way he was reacting he's just being insecure because of what I said yada yada um I finally told talked to him the next day and I say like hey it's not a big deal I'm over it like let's just move on he's still pushing the subject and I'm not really giving it anything to him. Um, he then texts me and says, you know

what? Like, I feel so guilty. Like, uh, like we just need to talk in person. I'm off tomorrow. What time do you get off? I get off. I said, I got to four, whatever. He's supposed to come and drive to see me. And so Monday comes around. He doesn't come to see me. He calls me 20 minutes before he's supposed to be here at five o'clock and says, Hey, sorry. I have to go pick up my dog from my parents' house. I just can't see you tonight. I'm so sorry. And I'm like, I saw I call him to talk to him about it because he texted me this and he didn't answer. So I'm like, what the heck? heck that's like let's be adults here and then he

turns off his phone i texted him a really long message about how like i didn't appreciate this blah blah blah like the way he was just like being weird he then texts me in the morning says he's sorry he freaked out he needs alone time whatever i don't know like that's his deal I guess um and then we don't talk for a few days he then breaks up with me over text and says I can't do this anymore this is too much I thought I could handle it I can't I'm getting rid of my dog uh because he can't have it in his apartment this is a pretty big stage in my life and I need to figure some things out before I can commit to you fully and like this was just a lot I haven't been in a relationship in two years and I just, uh, I went in too fast, too soon. So I text him, I'm like, whatever, dude, like, that's fine. Like do your thing. I want my stuff that I left at your

house. I'll give you your stuff that I have. And then he just doesn't talk to me for like three days. I go to mammoth with my friends. And this was like a few this was a couple days ago he sees I was at Mammoth snowboarding and he unfollows me on Instagram I message him and I'm like why would you do that like you're being so immature about this he said he felt stupid for like kind of not talking to me in the way he's been handling it why did you message him because I was annoyed okay but you were okay fair enough yeah i was annoyed because i okay this whole time in my head i'm thinking it's another girl like the whole time i'm like it has to be another girl he probably met someone else i don't know so i'm like okay

this confirms it like he's really just gonna like just go off and never talk to me again really i want my stuff from his house that's what i really wanted i'm not joking and i don't believe that but anyways go ahead oh that's what my friends say so um i messaged him that and he says he's sorry he feels stupid he uh he made a mistake and he couldn't see me anymore on instagram like living my life and so where where are we now i feel like i have enough about the situation yeah where are we now and he couldn't see me anymore on Instagram, like living my life and whatever. So where are we now? I feel like I have enough about the situation. Yeah, where are we now?

Okay, right now we're communicating. I'm supposed to see him this weekend to talk. Why are you communicating? Okay, I'm sorry. You're communicating and you're supposed to see him. Yes. And then what is your question? Okay.

Oh, I didn't mention mention he's on steroids you know this for a fact he told me yeah okay so yeah okay so we made he told me that he felt really insecure when he told me that he was on steroids and he didn't want to tell me in the beginning like like he's not on like no supplements yeah no yeah but he's like he's like shooting up like he's injecting him like i don't know or i don't know i guess i don't know how yeah i don't know how that works i tried to do some research on that um pretty sure he's injecting him and he's gotten like really big really really fast like super and he told me he was on whatever his second time doing it and he told me he wasn't gonna do it again after this but i'm not sure anyways so my question is i don't know if he's

just having like these manic episodes where like steroids are like supposed to who knows yeah i don't know that's the thing i guess i'm i should talk to maybe a medical professional no well no it's not what what do you want um i think i okay so let me tell you this i've never been dumped before ever okay well good for you to admit okay it's my ego i know my ego is hurt okay well good for you also to recognize that so knowing that what do you want honestly sure i mean this is to see to see him again and like ruin his life no i'm just good for you to admit that right so then what do you think you should do well i think i should go there and get my stuff for sure what stuff okay so i'm into cooking i have like nice pots and pans and all that that's all at his house

right now because i cook for him how much do you think that's worth uh right okay so to me i don't know 200 bucks 200 bucks okay well that's not nothing but also like you could definitely replace it yeah right i i'm sure you $200 on far more trivial things other than like, like good mental health and a healthy mindset and emotional stability and, you know, which we often don't like invest in enough. Right. So you can attribute it to like an investment in good mental health and good

decision-making and checking your ego only for the low price of $200. Okay. I mean, listen, you know the answer. You don't need me to point out and all the people listening right now, listening to you tell the story, just like,

what the fuck? This guy's a mess, right? Like, you know, let alone the steroids, which is like just a major red flag. And you're right.

Like who knows how it's affecting his, you know, mental stability stability but there's a good chance it could have some effect on it even if it's not actually having he clearly has emotional issues and he's gaslighting you a little bit and he's just confusing and a mess and i mean he's already admitted to you that he's like burned other bridges and just, just, he's a very insecure guy. How hot is he? And like, I think he's really attractive.

Okay. Yeah. So like, he's super hot. So like you're a little blinded by that. Right. But he's also just wildly insecure and he's deals with his insecurity by gaslighting you and like making you question yourself and your intelligence and and and how you do things and that way that's his way of making himself feel better by making you feel worse

right so this is a guy you're dating this is what he does right it's pretty common don't feel bad about yourself but like and then your ego like this whole instagram thing like thank god he unfollowed you that was like that was him moving on and letting you move on and good for you for going to mammoth but then you decided to do the very thing that he's guilty of and and like give into your ego and your insecurities and then try to make him feel bad for doing something quite frankly was maybe the healthy healthiest thing he's done whether it was his intentions i mean his tensions were good reaction but like you know it's kind of like when a baby throws a temper tantrum the best thing to do is

not to like notice the baby throwing a temper tantrum you just ignore it because the baby's doing it for attention and don't give them the don't don't give them the thing it's you know things it thinks it wants and then you know if you don't give a baby attention when it's throwing a temper tantrum they'll, they'll stop doing it next time because they know it doesn't work. Yeah. Right? Good point.

Well, okay. So he, yes, he did tell me that he was mentally broken and that he did a lot of self-reflection and that he... Yeah, this guy's not getting fixed overnight. This might require years of therapy, none of which are going to happen

while you're in his life. Yeah, you're probably yeah so you know that's just that's just a manipulation tactic to hook you in only for him to push you away once he lets you back in and the only way this guy can feel good right now is when he makes other people feel bad or confused and that's a big problem for him and it's pretty common like maybe people with like narcissistic personalities i don't know i don't know if he's narcissistic or not but he has some issues right and then guys like he's just not going to work them out while you're in his life right he's only going to do enough to make you want to come back in and you and and you recognize that you have an ego too so you have just two just massive egos trying to validate and feed each other's egos. And you're just ignoring everything else.

Yeah. So you need to recognize your situation in this. Say goodbye to him. Let it go. I don't think that nothing, I don't know. I don't, my guess is you're not going to listen to me,

but like nothing, nothing is going to, nothing healthy is going to come from this like meet up that you suggest that you're supposed to have with him even even even happens he probably will canceling you again or do something even if it does happen and even if there's like a temporary like rekindling or or understanding between the two of you rest assured it will blow up in a week or two's time or or something and so and you don't want your pots and pans back you don't give a shit you just want an excuse to tell yourself that you don't

want to just make him feel like crap or fight it out or just have him validate your ego and i think it would be a really good step for you if you can just recognize that and let him have his pots and pans like just just block them ignore them not let them access to you when he recognize that and let him have his pots and pans, like just, just block them, ignore them, not let them access to you. When he says, Oh, and you have your pots and pans.

I want to bring them over. You're like, nah, I'm good. Congratulations. That's a parting gift for me. And go treat yourself to some new pots and pans. Dang it.

Okay. Yeah. And I know you didn't want to hear that, but that's what you, you need to hear. And that's probably what you should do. And I, I,

I hope that you take my advice because it's definitely the right one um yeah i think i was just telling myself i wanted closure but maybe i don't need it that you may need closure but it's not going to come from him yeah i mean closure you need say goodbye to your pots and pans go buy some new ones. I don't know what it costs to go snowboarding at Mammoth, but it's probably close to $200 or something along those lines. So you sacrifice one trip to Mammoth for some good mental health. Yes.

Find someone else. There's other hot guys out there that are messes, that are less messy than him, that aren't abusing illegal drugs that have effect on his house I mean this guy I mean and he has to figure himself out and I hope he does but you know he needs he needs a kick in the pants and the only thing that might help him and it's not

your problem is to you just to cut him off but most likely you'll just be another girl who realizes this is about him I mean like he's actually psycho You're not different. You're not special enough to change him and fix him and be the one girl that figured him out that he changed all his

problems for. You're going about trying to feel special in a very toxic way. Yep. You're right. Yep. That's what I needed to hear, Nick. Thank you. All right. Well, stop doing it. Take my advice and don't meet up with him I would just I think you should unfollow him and block him and not to get a reaction but to

just completely remove yourself from his life and stop giving him any access to you to get those claws in and fuck with you and make you feel bad about your choices yeah and then whenever you feel your ego screaming and saying i need attention you just tell to shut up yeah no it is definitely i've been going back and forth with this for a while so um okay i should block him that's gonna cause a reaction but it's fine i can handle it all right you can do this i believe in you okay thanks nick i really appreciate it. All right. Take care.

Thanks. You too. Bye. Well, what a great episode. Thanks for listening, everybody. I hope we helped save your life. I'm talking to all the people who called in. I appreciate you guys calling in.

And for those of you listening, hopefully you found this beneficial. If nothing else, entertaining. We always appreciate you listening. Don't forget to send your questions at AskNickAtCastMe.com. Cast with a K. And if there is nothing else, we will see you tomorrow.