The Viall Files - E218 Ask Nick - The Update

Episode Date: January 4, 2021

You have been asking for it so we decided to put it together… welcome to the first Ask Nick update episode. This week we go back and reconnect with some of the callers that we spoke with this past year to see where they ended up in their situationships. Some of our callers still needed some tough love but we were happy to hear Nick did not destroy anyone's life! Our Callers Original Stories: Episode 142 featured Catherine, who was in a relationship where her boyfriend decided to bring someone else in to make them a thruple and she was not confident in that decision. Steven was wondering why someone he had feelings for and connected with was starting to pull away from him and did not know if he should wait for her. Brittany wanted to open up her Mormon marriage on episode 134 because of the lack of sexual experience she and her husband had before getting married. Paulina wanted to open up the relationship with her younger boyfriend, who lacked experience, to try and have some control. She was trying to make sure he experienced other people and would not one day feel like he missed out on sexual experiences and leave her. Mackenzie was in episode 142 and she did not know she was being used by someone who was cheating on his girlfriend. Melissa spoke in episode 165 about how she really wanted to date her friend with benefits, however, he was sending mixed signals by offering to pay off her car, instead of showing interest in a relationship. Featured on episode 151, Stacy’s mother had made some inappropriate racially insensitive remarks to her daughter about dating and she needed some advice on how to approach her about apologizing for her actions. “Hiking is hard, it is harder to do with wet socks, you insist on hiking in wet socks. “ Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes. THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Modern Fertility: http://www.modernfertility.com/VIALL for $20 off your test. Dipsea: http://www.dipseastories.com/VIALL for a 30 day free trial. Reliefband: http://wwwreliefband.com and use promo code Viall for 20% off. Episode Socials: Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What is going on everybody happy Monday well we're doing something a little different today i uh yeah a lot of you guys listeners uh from time to time have sent us messages requesting an update on some of these callers uh you know they call in they share their problem i say some shit you say lots of shit we don't know if they if it's good or bad or if they listen. And so out of sheer curiosity, we just kind of sent out an email to a good chunk of the people who have been on and asked for some updates. And so many of them were gracious enough to write in and let us know and call back in and share these updates with you. So that's what this episode is about uh quite frankly we had no idea uh if someone was gonna be like honestly fuck nick yeah for real this is my most this might be my most favorite thing

we've ever done really this was like so i mean it was i mean justin long is fun this is like so great to like talk to people again and to see how their lives have changed because some of these people it's been like six months like it's so crazy yeah well it's so good we're happy to report that i didn't ruin anyone's life um sounds like we we batted a thousand uh might have ruined someone's day or two though. I definitely ruined it. I definitely ruined everyone's day. They're like, Oh fuck.

Like I knew he was going to say this, but it hurts a lot more hearing it. Um, so let us know if you guys like this. Um, we, you know, we, we, we hand selected a handful of the updates. We do appreciate everyone who did update us. It was nice to hear, nice to read, and it certainly makes me feel good that we're actually accomplishing something other than just entertaining people. So, yeah, let us know if you guys like this.

We can do more of these from time to time or maybe just sprinkle in an update, you know, in an intro of our Ask Nick. So, you know, we thought we'd throw this in there. Let us know if you guys enjoy it. We have seven updates for you. Starting off the new year right. The best part is like some of them,

because, you know, how many times when I give this advice, and I'm like, I know you're not going to take this when you get off the phone. And a lot of them took it, you know, months later. Months later. But they took it. They took it. Like sometimes you just got to have that minute where you need to realize, because that's the best part is that people are like, he doesn't know me.

But you end up being pretty well i was one of them we appreciate you guys listening uh if you have a some free time if you're listening to this episode on on itunes or apple podcast we'd love a five stars we really would i know i would make my day merch is available uh vilefiles.com um check it out look cute be like that snarky person who has like a really clever saying in your sweatshirt and be like come on that girl knows what she wants oh my god what a badass i feel like when you wear our merch that's how people are going to see you is a badass of like man yeah don't mess Or that mask. Don't mess with that empowered woman. Or guy.

Or guy. It kind of looks like it. Yeah, we had a 10%er come and update us. So that was fun. That was great. I still think it's like 8%. I don't know. Six.

I'm just kidding. Here are your updates. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions hi katherine welcome back hi good to see you again um do us a favor let us know why you called in the first place and uh remind the audience uh what was going on what i said if it was in any way helpful uh i'm anxious to hear yes so i called um in like mid-june um because i was in a really weird dynamic of a relationship um we had just started this like thruple kind of relationship and I wasn't very happy about it and then um you kind

of told me like first like if I'm not happy and no one's listening to me then it's not my fault that no one's listening um and you also used a metaphor of it was like putting an infected band-aid on a wound oh I remember um and how it would just continue to like hurt me and like cause more pain um and for the first couple months after I like didn't take a word of what you said for what it was I was like no I know my life more than he does like what does he know um and then like the end of September I was like okay i am really unhappy i went back and i listened to the episode that we did together um and i was like okay but what if nick is right um and at the end of september i ended this relationship and i decided i was like gonna 100 just embrace me and like give 110 to make myself better awesome and um so i decided like everything in my

life was going to change i was going to give like i was going to eat right exercise i was going to give college 110 and give work 110 and i've lost like 30 pounds and I'm a straight A student in college right now and I'm thriving at work and I've literally never been happier amazing I'm like crying I'm so happy for her see what happens

when we take off that infected bandaid yeah and I like can thank it all to you and you just gave me like great advice that well i think you should i think you should pat yourself on the back too because it took took a lot of work and and and that dedication to give the 100 percent in your in school and and yourself and and if it was you know, your eating goals and helping you accomplish that, it's good that you took advice and it's good that you, and I, you know, but the work still comes from you

and you were able to do that. So don't forget to pat yourself on the back and to give yourself some credit as well because it's not just because of me. It's way more because of you i was just a a slight little spark but you you were the one who did the work so don't forget that and and if it ever like you know appearing in life gets down and you lose a little bit of motivation just remember you were capable of doing the work then you know you you can do it on your own so don't

i think it's really important to give yourself a lot of credit for all the progress you've made. Yeah, thank you. Well, I'm so glad that you're doing great. And you feel great. And you're, you're looking great. And you're have a lot of confidence. And just remember that because ebbs and flows of life, you know, someday, you're gonna run into someone who, you know, life is full of ins and outs of people. We're going to always meet toxic people.

And we're always going to meet great people. And we just have to try to manage our way through that landmine. And so just remember that next time. Because it will happen. It happens to all of us all, you know. All right. Well, happy all us all, you know. All right. All right. Well, happy holidays.

Really appreciate you calling. It was very inspirational and I'm really proud of you. Yeah. Thank you so much. All right. Take care. Well, if you're in the mood and you're having some sex and you're not getting pregnant, Modern Fertility is there to give you the information you need to maybe change that

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That's a 30-day free trial when you go to D-I-P-S-E-A stories.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Dipsystories.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Welcome back, Steven. How are you doing? I'm doing great, man. How about you? I'm doing great.

Yeah, well, we're glad you were able to call back and update us. For the people who don't remember right off the bat why don't you give us a quick uh update of the original situation and where things are at now right on um yeah so i originally called i think it was around summer um i was seeing somebody who like i reconnected with while being home and um we hung out a bunch and it was great in the beginning and then communication got kind of like flaky right around like two or three months in and then after that she didn't she kind of ghosted me for like several months until recently and it was like a month ago or so and uh she hit me up and started

to explain um why she was acting the way she was and all that stuff so um yeah but in that time you gave me some good advice to hop back on what did i say um just uh i mean i was kind of already doing it but just you know just be supportive and for whatever she wants I guess and like kind of approach it at a distance and like don't just don't reach out anymore you know like don't go out of your way to reach out and uh that's that's how I kind of handled it you know I just didn't go out of my way to keep pursuing something that wasn't gonna really happen um so that was the advice I think you gave me some of the great stuff too. I mean, you told me to hop back on the dating apps and also don't pass up on potential dates just because of how you feel about this girl.

You know, even if you're all caught up with her, like, don't like miss out on things that could potentially be good for you. So with that, um, I went forward, hopped on the dating apps for a little while, had some really interesting experiences with those too and then um and lately i've just been focusing on work like more towards the end of the year and uh i don't know the dating apps said good things though um and some and some weird things but uh it's been overall good um the advice was great just i needed to hear it from uh somebody else with experience and you know who understands that so did we get an update from this girl

the original girl yeah yeah so she um what happened was like after not talking to me for a long time she hit me up around like October and was like hey you know I just wanted to explain everything um I actually the like you know like while I was seeing you the like she would always hang out with this friend right and I would never think anything of it because it was her girlfriend that she you know was like in you know sports with and like played volleyball with and stuff and uh i was like yeah it's cool and her friend was always hanging around so then she kind of hits me up out of the blue after not talking to me for months and months i was like hey you know like i wanted to let you know what's up

i uh i'm actually i came out to my family recently and i'm seeing the girl like she's like my girlfriend now and uh i was like sweet like uh good uh, I was like, sweet. Like, uh, good for her. I was like, happy for her. I'm totally supportive of that. I was like, that's awesome. Like, I mean, you could have literally told me that at any point and I would have been like, that's cool. You know, right on. You got, you got basically, um, caught up and, you know, she was can only, you know, the friends I have who have talked about coming out, there's a process, right? They're trying to figure out themselves and identify where, you know, what they're comfortable with. And in some ways, while she didn't, you were kind of the collateral damage of, you know, her still figuring this out for herself.

But it's nice that she reached out to you and kind of gave you that explanation and not that you necessarily needed it, but kind of shows you it really wasn't about you, you know, nothing you could have done differently or should have done differently. It just wasn't a match, obviously. And hopefully that made you feel a little bit more freer or you know kind of calmed any questions your ego had about you know oh what what if i would have done x y or z differently i mean literally nothing you would have done differently would have mattered yeah totally it definitely gave me um like closure um and like clarity through the situation which is great she didn't owe me that but she gave it to me so that was really cool and you know i guess in a weird messed up way i was part of her coming out um

so that's good i mean like the the boy in me wanted to be like okay well is it monogamous or can we sling out but i didn't say that obviously yeah yeah but obviously yeah the things you think and don't say but um it was it was cool and uh i still support her i think she's a wonderful person and uh yeah it was just it was a weird ending and it was the second time this year that a girl i had seen and had something with like i don't know that like went for another girl it was just weird weird year man it's it's been a weird yeah i wouldn't put too much thought into that i mean if it happens like two or three more times and maybe there's a pattern in there i i don't know but um i gotta start wearing a wig or something no just listen i i you know maybe it could just be you're a really

supportive uh empathetic person that people are drawn to and feel comfortable with. And if someone is kind of going through this kind of self reflection period, it's the it would make sense that they're drawn to people who are good listeners and empathetic and don't make them feel judged, right? So could just be a downfall of you being a really sweet human, you know, who knows. But the good point is that the lesson you can control is, like you said, continue to be more honest with yourself about where relationships are going and where they're not, you know, don't try so hard to, you know, get attached to someone that is not giving as much as you're willing to give in return. You know,

is not giving as much as you're willing to give in return. You know, maybe that would, I would willing to be guessed that you have a pattern of being a really good, sweet guy, really nice, really nurturing, really there for them. And you don't check in enough early on in dating situations of how much they're giving back. Yeah. I would say it just depends on the girl, but um and how into them i am but yeah i guess well that's why i say when you're really into someone and we all do this right we get

really excited or it's like i want to show how much i like them and you do this without ever checking in with yourself be like well do they if do they are they doing this for me am i i'm clearly showing i'm excited but do i know Are they doing this for me? I'm clearly showing I'm excited, but do I know if they're excited? And their lack of excitement draws you in more. It's like that, oh, I don't know if they want me. And then you chase and we all do it. But I think that's something you could try to learn, get more in tuned with not giving too much too soon without knowing how they feel and feel confident. And if they're not, it doesn't mean you need to do it more. It means that maybe you have to accept the fact that they're not as excited. And maybe you need to pull back a little bit to see if,

you know, that's just because maybe you're suffocating them with how nice and empathetic and understanding and how much you're giving. And if you pull back, will they be like, oh, why is Steven not doing that? Maybe I need to do more. They become fearful of losing that special thing. And it's just become, I think you just need to maybe get better at that balance. Yeah, right on. I mean, it's definitely something that I think about a lot, not giving too much too soon, you know, until you gauge where the relationship is, but then feelings come into play and then you're love drunk basically and doing stupid shit. So I agree though. I mean, I agree.

And it's great advice. That'd be my guess. I'm guessing you do that a little bit more. You're putting me in a box, bro. It's okay. We all do that. Yeah. Listen, it's better than being the cliche guy. Right. You're putting me in a box, bro. It's okay. We all do that. Listen, it's better than being the cliche guy, right? It also could be why, again, like I said, these women are drawn to you because stereotypically, women are the ones who seem to be the ones giving more up front early on, not checking in with how much they're getting back, right?

And so great that you have those qualities. You just need to harness them and, and, uh, get more in tune with them, you know, right on. Yeah. I had, um, I had a question too. I know you've answered a lot before. Um, but what advice would you give someone? Say they went through a breakup several years ago, okay, and they're still having the feelings have gotten better. I mean, usually it takes a lot of time to get over somebody you spend a lot of time with. But what easy tips and, like, maybe even some more deeper, self-aware tips would you have for somebody who's still working through a past relationship and trying to get over it from like the beginning

to the middle to the end like some things that helped you get through that kind of stuff I think you just have to for you getting talking to you is like again the the more reflective person the person who likes to be self-aware and and honest with themselves they run the risk of obsessing and over analyzing and over critiquing and then just the fact that they're on your mind makes it harder to get over this person so you just need to accept that or that person needs to accept that, you know, they just, it's not a match. And there's nothing you could have done. You know, there's nothing you could do differently, and just let it go. And then when you catch yourself, you know, pondering and ruminating just to stop, you know, and it's hard to do at first,

but you just really need to not go down that path and just say, well, Hey, that's your ego checking in and, and overtaking a situation thinking that you can do something differently or fix it. Or what if I did something differently or do I, you know, just accept it for what it is and not the right match and, and then value that and prioritize finding someone who there's a connection. I mean, I think that's the biggest thing right on i like it um yeah i'm like i'm gonna take a note really quick so i don't forget it because i kind of want to take what you said and turn it into a song all right well i'll have

the copyrights uh i'll give you 15 okay great help write the lyric i'm writing that down just to make sure nick if you do i'll definitely include you on the uh when you make it when you make it big just i just you know you're on jimmy kimmel live just you know give me a shout out we'll go on tour together and be bros you know as a songwriter you're just very reflective and i think that can cause you to obsess and ruminate in your thoughts and make it harder for you to get over and you romanticize a little bit too much you know all great qualities you just you know all as always our strengths can be our weaknesses too when we don't um hone them in right on right on i mean i yeah it's it's yeah and you always try to be very self-aware

and self-reflective, but it can also be to your detriment at a certain point, you know? Yeah. And like, I'm guessing just in general, like, you know, don't talk about your feelings so much on, on dates. You probably lack, I'm guessing with in dating is a element of mystery, dating is a element of mystery which you know at for early on because you're just so you will moat and you're there and you're and it's great and it's but you can become the friend too soon or you're less of a challenge or less of a mystery or you know so just be aware of it you know don't change you are a beautiful person but just learn how to control it a little bit more and right on and ask more questions about them you know learn more about the people you're on dates with and and let and don't offer so much information

about yourself until they ask that's a great way to gauge someone's interest with you while simultaneously becoming mystery because you're not talking about yourself. But they're not asking, so wait for them to show an interest. Yeah, I usually don't talk about anything, especially during the first dates. I don't go into detail about things.

I like to learn about people. That's good. But somewhere along the lines, when you get asked, you just empty out, is my guess. Yeah, I guess it would depend on the girl and the date. Yeah. And also where we're at. Yeah, it's easy to not give anything when you're not excited.

I'm talking about when you meet someone, you're like, I like them. Fighting the balance when that person shows up in your life. All right. Taking it, taking it to heart here. For sure. I agree. All right,

Steven. Well, I appreciate the update. Happy holidays. Thanks for, for calling in and good to know that I didn't tell you to move on from someone that ended up being your soulmate. Yeah, right on, man. Well up being your soulmate. Yeah.

Right on, man. Well, happy holidays, guys. It's always good to hear from you. All right. Take care. Relief band. Relief band! Chrissy won't shut up about her relief band.

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How are you? Good. I'm doing well. Thanks. Why don't you update our listeners about when you originally called and just a quick recap of what the situation was, what did I tell you and where are we now? Okay, cool.

Yeah, I can do that. When I first called in, I was married and my husband at the time and I were in an open marriage because we were Mormon and we had like no experiences and wanted to like go out and get those experiences and then come back together and see if we wanted to basically make it work. And my memory serves you were the kind of the instigator of the open. Correct. Yes, that is correct. Yeah. Yeah. experiences. And basically, your advice was, most people are in an open marriage,

because it's fun. And it's something both of them are wanting to do. But it sounded like, in my case, it was something that we were doing out of a necessity, just because we didn't have those experiences, which was true. And I didn't realize it at the time, but it was. And you also gave me the advice that to be prepared for the marriage to end and that was okay. And I also have kids with my ex husband. And so he, you also were saying that I believe you had a brother that has a really good co-parenting relationship. And you gave me some advice about that and said that, you know, people do this all the time and it's successful. And that was it. And that happened in May.

And then at about the end of July, I contacted a lawyer to get a divorce. And my divorce just finalized on Monday just a couple of days ago yeah how do you feel about that it's yeah it's really it's actually really really good it's it's worked out really well my ex-husband and I are like best friends we co-parent really well together our kids are happy um I'm happy he He's happy. I'm in a new relationship. Very happy with that. So yeah, everything really honestly worked out to be the best for everyone. And, and, you know, it, it kind of wasn't exactly what I thought was going to happen, but I'm, I'm really happy with where I'm at. So overall, I'd say it worked out. That's good to hear.

That new person you met, I'm sorry, that you wrote in that new person you met when you were like trying this open stuff, right? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, so he was there. How serious is this new person? It's pretty serious. Okay. Well, you know, you're not asking for my advice i'm just gonna get it take it slow you know this all started with your lack of experience and wanting to find out more and and this guy could be your one but i i would yeah definitely your your your default is to get serious fast because that's all you know so just be self-aware about that and i would just take it you know it the yeah i would take slow you know so that yeah i feel like in like the past few months or the the few months where we were like doing this like open thing i got plenty of experience yeah and and i definitely great i definitely saw what's out there so i feel like i'm like

pretty aware of like sure well you can only learn so much even if you go rapid fire in a short period of time but it sounds like you're happy and that's great but just uh you can date this person for a long time it doesn't matter if you have kids and it doesn't matter that you used to be married you don't have to just you know you don't have to rush into anything how old's this other person um he's 30 okay yeah so i'm 27 so has he ever been married no he hasn't does he't. Does he want kids? Does he want kids? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, he does. Yeah, he's actually really great with my kids. He loves them and treats them really well. And the kids love him. So he's somehow, I feel like if I were in his position, I would have a harder time adjusting to like being thrown into having like three kids in my life, but he's done a really great job with it. I've been really, really proud of him.

Did you do any therapy with your divorce? Not specifically with the divorce. I did like a little bit of couples therapy at the beginning of this entire process, but that doesn't- With the new guy or the old guy? No, no, no, no. With the the old guy with my ex-husband i'm just saying you know like i'm not saying you need therapy but like at all but it you know this guy the new guy because he was there from the he was like there was an overlap so it could be really easy and possible for you to not process all your emotions

that you experienced because you were too busy feeling guilt free about it, really enjoying the new guy, you know, and, and feeling good about the divorce going pretty well. And I don't know, but like it's just my, you might be totally fine,

but like, yeah, I really do. Like I, I understand what you're saying. I'm just like, just don't be afraid to check. Don't be afraid fine. Yeah, I really do. I understand what you're saying. Just don't be afraid to check in even though everything's feeling great. Don't be afraid to ask yourself fears, questions, things like that. Again, because if this guy wants kids, he's 30.

He chose to be in a relationship with someone who just got out of a marriage who has kids. And that's totally fine. But he has to recognize that that might mean that you might want to date for a period of time. And he has to wait till he's 33 with you to have kids. Yeah, I think we're very much on the same page. And we've talked about it a lot. Yeah, I think we're very much on the same page. And we've talked about it a lot, just kind of like not putting any timelines on anything and just doing what feels right in the moment and kind of going with that and following our gut, which is what we've done from the very beginning. And it's worked out for us. So and it Not even a little bit. I feel like a lot of people go through their 20s and they date all these people and they have these experiences where they find out what their needs are and what they want and what they don't want because they have

many different experiences dating people. And I feel like with me, it was like I went in a marriage for seven years with none of my needs being met. So I'm very aware of what my needs are. And I'm very aware of what I want and need. And he perfectly fulfills all of that for me, like every single thing. So I have no need for that in my life at all. Well, just know you are in the honeymoon phase with this guy. I'm not trying to be Debbie Downey here, but just, I just want you to go. What i want you to do is just like appreciate what it is but don't like ignore that like the same thing's going to happen with this guy to a certain degree it sounds like you bet you're hopefully better at addressing things early on and not waiting seven years and get

to the point we're asking for open relationship and he's probably just a better fit in general because like you said you've done all these other things but that doesn't mean like you'll want to check in and and and you know yeah just just be patient with yourself take it slow yeah enjoy it and and you know don't feel like you have to play house yeah yeah for sure yeah i think we're both two very self-aware people. Awesome. I'm glad it worked out. I'm glad that you guys are in a good co-parenting situation. And it sounds like this was a much healthier approach than trying to have an open relationship with someone you didn't want to have an open relationship with. For sure. Yeah, absolutely.

Awesome. All right. Well, best of luck. Thanks for letting us know. We appreciate the update. Happy holidays and congratulations. Thanks. You too. See you guys later. Bye. Bye-bye. Paulina, welcome back. Thank you, Nick. How are you doing? I'm doing well. Why don't you remind our audience when you called, why you called? Yeah. Give a little update on everything okay so I called around like August and at the time my boyfriend and I had moved into an open relationship the reason being was I mean you kind of called me out on it I was kind of being a little controlling and just like wanting to kind of give him the option of dating around if he so desired um

and like the reason why I was doing that was probably not the best reason like I just kind of wanted him to to kind of decide like yeah okay like I'm in this just for you I'm interested just in you and like know that he had dated around and like had had other options, you know. And so that's why I had called originally. And then you kind of gave me the advice of like, there's absolutely no point of going into an open relationship unless you actually want to like spice things up. And you guys have like that full trust in each other

and just kind of are, I don't know, bored with your relationship and just want to do something new. So since then, we decided to just, I guess, go back into a closed relationship, if that's whatever you call it. It works for me. Yeah, I have no idea. There's so many terms nowadays. But yeah, so we just decided to, I guess, go closed again. So we, we just decided to, I guess, go close again. And, um, we are open to like in the future, if like one of us, like, as long as there's

always that trust there, if we still kind of feel like we want to explore, um, we're still open to that, but it has to be, you know, for the right reasons, like you said, and not just because I'm a control freak. So, um, so yeah, that was pretty much it. Are you still a control freak? Did I help? I don't mean. You, you did. I mean you you did i mean you

like called me out when i needed to be called out which i think my boyfriend is almost too nice and like he like doesn't like calling me out on my like bs because he's younger than you right he's slightly younger yeah yeah and so you were worried that he was going to like basically go want to go and be with other people because he didn't have as much experience so you were like let's just do it before he was like not even wanting to do it right so I was kind of pushing him and I think like I definitely have noticed different aspects of my life where like I used to be a lot more controlling and I try not to be um I'm just just type a personality you know sometimes just comes out, but I definitely think,

like you always call everyone out. And I think that definitely helped me in that sense. Did he listen? Yeah, he listened. And at first he was just kind of weirded out. He's like, wait, this is strange. You're on a podcast. And then he kind of started laughing. He's like, well, yeah, he's kind of right i don't know if i necessarily even wanted this and um i don't know i think he he appreciated that i like was willing to kind of reach out to other people and like see if this is even if it was something that we wanted to do you know so i think it well so you guys are still together you're still

still yeah very much together you know pretty happy still think it worked. Well, so you guys are still together. You're still, still. Yeah, very much together, you know, pretty happy. Still living through the pandemic together, so. So, I mean, I'm just going to say I saved your relationship. I'm just kidding. I'm sure you guys are totally together. Well, that's great. It sounds like, wow, closed it back up. And, but, you know, well,

do you feel like you guys communicate a little bit better now yeah i mean i don't think we ever had huge issues as far as communication but i definitely think i mean that kind of just opened up the doors for for better communication in the future you know and and um yeah i think we're doing good awesome Awesome. Well, Polina, I appreciate you taking the time to give us a quick update. A ton of people have been asking for these updates. So thanks for reaching out, and I really appreciate it. Cool. Thank you, guys.

How's it going, Mackenzie? It's going good. How are you? I'm doing well. Thanks for calling in and giving us a quick update on any progress or lack thereof that you made. I'm kind of waiting for the person to call back and be like, you really fucked it all up for me. Yeah, you didn't do that for me. So that's good.

I don't have, I might. Do you want to remind the people listening briefly what it was you were, what your original question and problem was? For sure. So I called in because, well, just a little background. I'm almost 20. I'm like two days shy of 20. So at the time I called in, I was like, I'm obviously 19. I had my first like real dating experience that ended in the guy using me as like, could she on his

girlfriend? Or at least that was like the suspected thing. I never ever got confirmation, like the timeline of things, but very fishy, very weird. So I just called in kind of like for an unbiased opinion, because like my friends and my mom and everything, they were all like, gonna agree with whatever I said, because I was pretty sad at the time um and so we kind of talked about that and you agreed that he probably did just given the details of the story he probably did I don't have a very fun update he never reached back out to me I still don't know whatever happened but your advice to me was to just kind of be thankful for that experience just to kind of like learn um and in a kind of a twisted way it's actually a really good first experience to

have um and then just to keep dating which dates i have gone by who my friends no not my mom well my mom thinks that they're all fun and like i didn't ever go on a bad date but i really beg to differ every single date that i went on wasn't like catastrophic but they all had yeah define bad dates okay they were just like either just excruciatingly awkward or the guy was just like really not funny or just i don't know um such a burden you guys expect us to be comedians i know okay well i'll explain a little you're not funny sir uh i consider i like to toot my own horn quite often and say that I'm pretty funny.

It's hard to be on a date when the guy is not contributing to the conversation. The first date that I went on after this whole debacle, the cheating thing happened, the guy made fun of me the whole time. He never complimented me once, just made fun of me. He called me like because

there's like a golden retriever out where we were at on like the waterfront and he's like and i'm like oh my gosh that's like look at that cute dog and he's like wow you're really vanilla aren't you so what i mean have you learned anything i mean so if my advice was like hey like dating is like a marathon not a sprint and you should get a bunch of experience. Like despite all these bad dates, do you feel like you have more or less perspective? Are you still open to continue dating? Like what's your mindset? So I'm definitely open to continue dating.

I did learn. Like I remember just being so sad over like the whole, that one first experience. He was so validating. And I was like, to continue dating. I did learn, like, I remember just being so sad over like the whole, that one first experience that I really, he was so validating. And I was like, oh shoot. Like I got so close to, you know, finally having a boyfriend and not being that, I guess a weirdo at almost 20, who's never even had any sort of experience like that. And I kind of, in the beginning of like my dating experiences were like dating to like find a relationship. And then I don't know when this switch happened in my mindset, but I'm like, okay, that's kind of stupid because I am so young and I have just other things going on. Like I'm in university and everything like that.

So I have other priorities that need my attention versus just dating. So I kind of would just go on these dates to just have fun so so happy for you that you see it that way right now yeah so it's not as like i have other things that need more attention than dating god yes if everyone your age could could see it that way and again like you know you could be 20 and and find love and and start having a family if it's right. Right. But that's just not that realistic, honestly.

And I just actually got elected as my sorority chapter president. And I'm almost at a 4.0. I have other things going on that I put my time into that I just love. Honest question, and I don't know the answer to this but do you feel like if you were still hanging out let's say in a serious relationship with uh boy number one the original uh og if you will do you think you would have had the energy and bandwidth to be successful in these other areas in your life right now no because that whole thing, like looking

back and just like, I'm a very reflective person. So throughout the year, I've really gone back to that one experience and tried to not be sad over it and just kind of like actually just like make peace with the fact that I was just really like lied to and kind of deceived um he like looking back we really didn't have much in common like we really didn't I when I was like psychoanalyzing the date like the one date that we didn't go on in person there was a point where like I remember sitting kind of in silence like the conversation kind of died because we didn't have anything in common And I really realized that I liked this person because he was really good looking. And he kind of had this like status, like kind of life of the party way about him. And me being six months ago, a very insecure person when it came to dating, I'm like, Oh, well, this guy likes me. So I have to like him because, you know, he has all these like surface level traits that I think I should like. So and but since he was just bless his heart, but like, now that I can like, look at it from more of like a bird's eye view, I'm like, that was not a good person. If I

would have stuck with that, and continued to kind of like lie to myself and tell myself, oh, this is a great guy. This is such a great person. I probably, I mean, six months later, where we're at now, if his girlfriends, they're still together. And I feel like, you know, my one friend always checks up like, oh, let's see what she's doing. I'm like, can we just not? Like, I don't care. But she'll say like, all she does is like post about him. So I just can see where I would get sucked into that because he is one of those people that you're just like,

oh my gosh, I should like you because you're just like oh my gosh i should like you because you're just this certain person so i'm glad i'm uh i'm really i'm really happy for you and uh it sounds like uh this was a like i said a great rewarding experience for you you you seemed to be uh far more armed with the proper dating ammunition definitely than you had six months ago to kind of take things as they come right exactly and in the meantime there's sounds like you have so many other things going on in your life as a lot of people your age do and figuring out what's the best path for you and now you can focus a lot of energy. And do you feel like you're investing? It's less work to go on these bad dates so that if they don't go well, that you're just kind of

like you more or less appreciate the experience rather than like be bummed out that another one didn't work out. In the beginning, I would be so bummed out. Like I coming home and I would have to text my mom on the way home because I've been living at home since COVID. I would text her and be like, don't even ask how it went because I don't even want to talk about it. I would have that reaction at first and be bummed out. But then as I slowly did it more, it would just be the funnest thing for me because even if they were bad, I was like, this is like an adventure and the stories that you have are just hilarious and um it honestly has

made me closer with um a lot of my friends too because i think in being my age everybody's kind of pretending to a level because nobody wants to be the person that's like going on bad dates or not able to find a relationship or be that person that's like going on bad dates or not able to find a relationship or be that person that stands alone and like not even wanting a relationship so I think by me kind of sharing my experiences with like my sorority sisters that I don't know well and just kind of being open about it I've been able to get closer with like other things in my life because I kind of have just like I'm not pretending anymore that I'm, I'm not an insecure person about it anymore. It's just like, it is what it is.

And when the real deal comes my way, it'll be really cool and awesome. And I'm open to that. But yeah, for now, that's awesome. And I think it's totally fine if it doesn't come your way anytime soon. Exactly. In the meantime, it sounds like you're going to

hopefully have a lot of energy and time to accomplish a lot of things. Yeah, hopefully. Yeah, for sure. Awesome sure awesome well appreciate the update mckenzie uh i'm really really happy for you it's it's it's gone down this path and you seem to have a really great perspective on dating especially at this chapter in your life yeah i'm thankful for it so awesome all right well thanks for calling in thank you so so much. All right. Take care. Yeah. Bye. Bye. How are you doing? I'm doing pretty well. How are you? Great. Remind us of your story.

I will. So I'm Melissa. I'm 34. I called in last summer because I had a friend, friend with benefits situation, and he was looking to pay off my car loan. I don't know if you remember. It was kind of an odd story. The advice you gave me was to have the talk with him to see, you know, what he wanted, what I wanted, to find out whether we were aligned or not. So I did. Yeah. Surprise, surprise. He didn't want a relationship. I did stop sleeping with him a few weeks later. So why? Why did he want to pay off your car loan in the first place? He basically explained to me that he had a family that

was well off and they took care of him, you know, when he was buying a house and put him in a really good situation. And he thought of me as family and he wanted to help me out as well. So you said, I want to date you. He said, well, I like you, but I don't want to date you. And then did he still pay off the car? He did. So we stopped sleeping together in August. He didn't start making payments. I mean, I obviously continued to say no because it wasn't something that I wanted because I wanted to be in a relationship with him. We came to an agreement in October because he has a reno house. So I decided that I didn't want to be like I didn't want to constantly take from him. Like that's what my biggest concern was, was taking from him.

So I offered to help him with his reno house until like essentially work off the money so that was the agreement that we had so it's not i mean it didn't end i didn't get my prince charming or anything at the end like i'm hanging drywall and stuff on the weekend so is this gentleman stealing your life yeah he is i go over and i help him with his house once a week and are you emotionally capable of of looking elsewhere for love or or yeah you are i i definitely feel like i am um i haven't had any luck with online dating it's just it is what it is i mean i haven't given up yet it takes time um yeah but when you see this gentleman it's are you indifferent no i mean no like to be completely honest i think i'm always gonna have feelings for him i'm not that's fair people and

that's okay yeah and especially well i guess my point of saying this and i don't know if you're asking for it is you probably should not have him so actively in your life you're you're really just torturing yourself or even your subconscious I mean even if you you seem like you've accepted it right that's a good thing you're just like you're not going out you're not there and showing up with this like conscious idea of like hopeful and maybe he'll change his mind but there's still a part of you even subconsciously that is just holding your back. And if, if nothing else kind of tortures you and,

and you know, especially if you can admit it, it's, you still hold a bit of a flame for him, you know, or candle. I don't know what the fucking saying is, but either way,

like you're, you're not indifferent and so that is affecting you on some level you know and uh i think for you to be totally free and open to find something new you you really need to like let you know get this guy out of your life and not that he's doing anything wrong with him. It's a little unhealthy. He is a good friend to me, though. So it's really hard for me. I would say, like, where I was last summer and where I am now is, like, leaps and bounds.

Like, last summer, I was really down. Down, like, what's wrong with me? Why am I not good enough? How often do you see him, this guy? I see him once a week. Okay. It's strictly business. I mean, there's been nothing.

We're strictly platonic. I mean, and I think that that helps me separate my feelings. All right. It's not my favorite situation for you, but it does seem like you're in a better place. And how long before you don't owe him anything um so he said my working rate was 50 an hour and he has a spreadsheet um i don't really i haven't seen the spreadsheet but he's keeping track of it i actually think that's great i mean because

in these situations when you have these cloudy kind of financial agreements and these like friendships slash used to be romantic or intimate, you know, sometimes what they are is a hook. Right. And a spreadsheet to me says that you have a clear path of of out. Like you've chosen, I hate to sound like out, like you're some sort of prisoner and he seems cool and he wanted to help you. And it sounds like it was helpful to you, but like you need to be able to have, and you know, $50 an hour, that's pretty generous. I don't know what you're doing for this 50 bucks an hour, but that's a, it's a nice rate. Right. And I raked some leaves last week and then they were one heavy. I mean, I raked some leaves last week and then they were one heavy. Yeah, 50 bucks an hour? That's great. So he seems generous in that sense, but it's certainly not a typical situation. It's not my favorite situation for you, but as long as you can be honest with yourself and you have a good head on your shoulders about it and you are actively out there dating and accepted that this guy is never going to come

around um and that this is truly someone who just like likes you as a person it will never be more than that then you know i guess i guess you know i still think there's a little hook he has inside. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, I'm definitely, I'm not like a light switch. And I know a lot of people can be like that. Most people can't, right? I'm not one of those girls at all. But most people don't show up once a week

and rake leaves with the person they wish they were in a relationship with. Yeah, yeah. It's a i i just think i think you i personally think that you like that you owe him i do but it's i mean he still does things for me too like it wasn't just paying off my i don't think i'm not trying to paint this guy as some sort of Machiavellian. No, at all. This is your choice. Like, I think you like it.

I think he just seems to be have the means. And for whatever reason, he's doing something nice for you. And, you know, he easily could have been like, it's 20 bucks an hour, 25, you know, 50 bucks an hour. That's pretty good. But yeah, just listen, all I'm saying is be aware of that, right? Be aware of the small lies we tell ourselves. And that eventually you probably will need to cut him out of your life for you to fully move on.

And you might not find the type of relationship that you really want and deserve until you do. type of relationship that you really want and deserve until you do you still have like one toe at least and probably a half a leg in the water that's that's a little toxic for you and that doesn't make him toxic but this is it has some toxicity in it in it but i stopped sleeping with him positive right yeah you're not fully immersed you're not drowning in this toxic water but i'm just saying it's still as we sit on the couch and our legs might accidentally like crush up you got wet you got wet socks you know like before you were like underneath the water choking on this toxic water and it was you know cannibalizing all your energy and emotions and feelings and you were confusing you were incapable of doing anything else

now you know you're kind of out but like you decided to put your feet in water with wet socks now you just have wet socks all the time and like you're able to function but like it's just constantly an itch that you need to scratch and uh just be aware of that you know like imagine like hanging out with someone with wet socks you're just like what is wrong with you why are you walking so funny and that's you on dates with other people yeah probably so just uh you know baby steps i guess thank you for the update melissa i'm glad that it seems like i somewhat helped but it's good to i'm glad you checked in for maybe a small reality check of uh thank you rake more leaves get out now we're shoveling snow whatever you need to do but it's definitely

holding you back and when you find mr right he's gonna think it's fucking weird just so you know i mean if i find mr right i can see cutting it off but where i am right now you know i'm actively yeah but one yeah but yeah okay fine but usually it's it's most likely it's going to require you to be out first for you to be emotionally capable of i don't think we appreciate just how much we project our feelings and actions onto people you know you know the energy we give off like my guess is you don't seem as open as you want to believe that you are to meeting someone else to to someone else because you're still seeing Mr. I want to be with you every week. All right.

Hopefully I didn't ruin your day. I have a date tonight, Nick. Great. I'm doing my best. Great. I hope it goes great. And I do applaud you for doing that. I think that is really great that you are actively trying.

Because you know what? You can date even if you're not totally in the absolute best headspace. Because when are we ever in the best headspace? Yeah. Dating is so hard. You need to have an episode on online dating. So hard. Well, we have to try to make it easier for ourselves, Melissa, which you are resistant

to. You know? Hiking is hard. It's harder to do with wet socks. You insist on hiking with wet socks. I suppose. And then you're like, hiking's hard.

You know? I can only do so much. But you're going to be fine. All right. All right. Have fun on your day tonight. Thank you. Take care. Hi, Stacey.

How are you? Thanks for calling back. Thanks. I'm doing pretty good. Glad to be on the update. And your advice was awesome. Good. I'm glad to be on the update and your advice was awesome. Remind our audience why you originally called and what I said and why it was awesome.

So I don't remember because, okay, let me refresh your memory. Thank you. My mom had told my daughter that she liked an African-American boy, my 13-year-old daughter. And she said, you can't date a black boy. And it was this point of contention with my daughter, of course. And then she told her sister, who is African-American, her stepsister. And then they told my husband. My husband told me,

so I wrote in, how do I handle it? What do I do? Um, as far as maybe bringing light to my mom and also, um, I don't know, trying to rectify the situation for everybody. Your advice was to love my mom, be gentle, but to, but to have her apologize, not just to us, but more importantly to the girls. And you said there's nothing worse than being a victim in your own home, which is really true. Damn. And yeah, he took the advice. So basically it sounds like I said, like, love your mom, but love her toughly kind of like tough love don't don't back down totally yeah it's where does we get older too um you know our parents always teach us things and then as an adult it's interesting

when we can teach our parents things too yeah do you feel like do you feel like when you had that conversation with mom she's not apologized, but hopefully maybe been a bit enlightened? I'd like to think so. I asked my husband, he said, I don't know if people change, you know, but it definitely changed the way she is to our opinion and respecting our views, even if they aren't the same. And I think it brought her closer to everybody in the family, which is great. The important thing is you didn't allow any confusion for your kids to even question if there was any truth to what grandma said kind of thing, you know, where it became so uncomfortable, you didn't address it.

And then your kids are left wondering if maybe, you know, grandma has a point of view and you knit that in the bud. And since grandma apologized, you set a clear expectation of right and wrong. And that's great to hear. Yeah, it feels really good to stand up for my kids too, even when it's so close to home. So, you know, I think that's setting a really good to um stand up for my kids too even when it's so close to home so you know i think that's setting a really good example too like they're they may be kids but they're just as

important as grandma you know and yeah hopefully yeah hopefully it brings some harmony you know to everything all right and did your daughter date this fine young gentleman she didn't know but her taste hasn't changed so you know and i actually um played the podcast for her and my husband and they were both really impressed with your advice and um you i think you said sounds like your daughter's a little bit, uh, more mature than grandma and that made her smile too. So pretty cute. Great.

Uh, it's always very nice to hear. Um, uh, appreciate the update and really glad obviously that the situation, you know, it's nice that grandma had a, an open mind and, and was able to humble herself to, you know, apologize to her grandkids. Not easy to do, you know, for, um, I don't think a lot of grandmas imagine having to apologize for, uh, to their grandchildren. So, uh, good for grandma and that's, you know, pat on the back for her. And, uh, it sounds like the, a lot of love and progress is going on in the household and that's always a great thing. Yep, onward and upward, moving forward in a positive way,

and all of us are growing and, I guess, learning from each other, which is what family is all about. So thanks for the help. It was nice to have an outside perspective help me work through it. My pleasure. Thanks for calling in. I appreciate listening. Thanks for the show. Very happy holidays. Yeah, I appreciate it. Thanks for listening. Thanks for calling in. Appreciate listening. Thanks for the show.

Very happy holidays. Yeah, appreciate it. Thanks for listening. Thanks for the podcast. It's great. Thank you, Stacey.

Take care. Merry Christmas. Bye. Merry Christmas. Thanks, Stacey. Well, I hope you guys enjoyed that.

Hopefully it was uplifting, inspirational. If you want to, what we're going to do is in the notes we will let you know the ep the original episodes all our updates were from in the notes so if you want to go back and listen to um the original i mean how we have like you know email them and let us know they all know chrissy they don't know it's true they'll all know they'll all know, Chrissy. They all know. It's true. They'll all know. They'll all know. Oh, awesome. So the original episodes that all our callers that updated us on their notes will be in

the episode notes, so be sure to check that out.