The Viall Files - E221 Ask Nick - Making A Stew With The Wrong Ingredients

Episode Date: January 11, 2021

It is Monday and that means another episode of Ask Nick. On todays show we first speak with aa woman who originally ghosted someone she started dating, and now after thinking about it wants to get him back. Next we talk with someone who is at a crossroads with her girlfriend and their relationship as they start to plan for their futures that don’t necessarily align. Trust issues due to an alcohol addiction is the problem that frustrates our next caller as she tries to figure out if it is a relationship worth saving. Last we speak with someone who is recently no longer engaged because her fiancé’s mother played a huge part in the end of that relationship acting like a true step monster.  “Nut up and push back.“ Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Everlane: http://www.everlane.com/VIALL sign up for 10% off your first order plus free shipping. Brooklinen: http://www.brooklinen.com enter promo code VIALL to get $25 off, plus free shipping. Echelon:http://www.echelonfit.com/VIALL to try Echelon Fitness equipment at home for 30 days. Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What's going on everybody? Welcome to another episode of the Vile Files Ask Nick edition. Happy Monday, if it is your Monday morning routine, and if you are finally getting to us, welcome. It's kind of cool that you're part of people's morning routines. Monday if it is your Monday morning routine and if you are finally getting to us welcome I uh it's kind of cool that you're part of people's morning routines glad to have you uh Chrissy how are you I'm freezing how are you you look like it I know I'm like wearing a parka this like it's so cold today I'm fine I'm fine it's a it's fine I love it. Well, I'm glad you're warm. I don't know if we have much to talk to before we get to our callers.

We got some great callers who joined us today. Don't forget to send in your questions at asknick at castme.com. Cast with a K. Love your submissions. We appreciate the people who do write into the show and share your stories. Obviously, it's the lifeblood of this show. If there's any new people to our Ask Nick episodes, welcome. I think you'll enjoy what you're

listening to. Join us for our recaps and our interviews coming up. I think, is that it? Follow us on Instagram. I think that's pretty much it. We're kind of boring. Now that the New Year's over, I feel like we're boring. What are you talking about? Edit that out. We're the most

exciting people ever. Don't forget to follow us on social, doing a bunch of new things on our social media accounts, specifically Instagram. So check us out, Vow Files on Instagram. And if there's nothing else, let's get to our call. Question time with Nick.

Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Hi, i'm doing good my name is natalie i am 28 hi natalie how can i help um okay so i originally sent in a question about a guy that i ghosted and i had asked you if i can reach out to him and i'll just tell you like the backstory really quick. So we met on a dating app. We went on hinge and like, we started talking and it was like really quick that he asked me out. And at first I was a little hesitant, but I was like, you know what? He seems really nice and whatever. So we meet up, we go get dinner and drinks and we had a great time. Like it was like, we met up at like

six 30 and by like 10, 10 30, like the date was starting to end, but like, you know, we still wanted to keep hanging out. And so, yeah, so everything was going great. And like during the date, he was like, he even asked for like a second date and was like you know saying all this stuff like oh yeah I'll go do this with you and so I'm just thinking in my head like okay this could be a good guy you know and so at the end of the night like um we talk about going somewhere else to another bar and so before we start going there he was like why don't you just come back to my house and like we can hang out there and I feel like right there I should have been like, no, but I just genuinely wanted to hang out with him more. Like I had no intentions with sleeping with him. Like, you know, I just wanted to hang out. and one thing leads to another and he like tries okay somehow his pants are off and like i mind you i'm fully clothed like i don't have any article of clothing off what do you mean somehow

his pants are off like you saw him remove his pants or you went to the restroom and he came out of the room and he's naked like what we were like making out on the couch and he like picks me up and takes me to his bedroom and then like just like the next thing i know his pants are off like i didn't like i didn't take okay all right so so already i was like but i was just like okay wait like you didn't even you know anything like we it wasn't not that you didn't ask me but it was just like, okay, wait, like you didn't even, you know what I mean? Like we, it wasn't, not that you didn't ask me, but it was just like, okay. And then, so, but I knew in my head, I was like, I'm not going to have sex with him. I'm like trying to exercise my right and like, not have sex. And so, so I was like, no, like, I don't want to have sex yet, blah, blah, blah.

And you know, he keeps kind of, you said this verbally out loud, not to yourself. Okay. You expressed it verbally out loud. I was like, I have sex and he even asked he's like well how long is it gonna take i was like it's gonna take 10 dates like just to like fuck with him because i oh sorry i don't know if i can cut her out you can yes but okay and so i was just saying that he's like oh my gosh that's a long time and i was like i was like okay well not really that long but yeah okay his response to you saying 10 dates even regardless of you trying to fuck with them yeah totally reasonable number whatever you want to be his first response was i don't know if i can wait that long he well he was like wow that's

a long time wow that was his response okay all right continue and so i was like okay and and then you know did you not address the fact that his pants were off other than saying you weren't like what the fuck are you doing like why your pants off no because it was still like in the moment like it was still like you know i i mean it like i still enjoyed it but like i you know what i mean like oh no i guess i'm not i'm not sure i know what you mean because you first described it as a kind of a what a fuck moment. It's fine if you enjoyed it, too. I'm just trying to get a clear understanding of the situation because it would be aggressive on his part.

Right. I mean, in context, very much matters in these stories. Right. Because it's just it's a very, you know, the difference between, oh, I thought it was hot that he took the initiative or, or, wow, that was really weird. And now I'm uncomfortable because you're naked and all we were doing is kissing. Yeah, no. Okay. So it was, it was hot. Like it was like, we like, well, okay. I mean, it wasn't hot though too, because like, I didn't want to actually have sex. Wow. This is all very confusing. You can not you can want to not have sex and around like the bases and you can think a lot of this is hot and still not want to have sex. That's totally OK.

Right. Like, right. Yeah. And so just so correct me if I'm wrong. It sounds like. While you thought it was kind of you were surprised by his pants being off in the moment you still actually thought it was hot but you felt the need to express yourself just in case he was confused to let him know that you weren't going to have sex that night but you still felt

safe and comfortable yes but the need to express yourself his response was well that's a really long time yeah like all Like, yeah, exactly. Like it wasn't, it wasn't too much, but I was like, I'm not going to have sex with you though. You know? Okay. And so he, then he said that. And then what, what's, what's next?

And then, so I was like, you know, he kept, you know, he kept kind of still trying to like have sex with me. And I was like getting tired at this point. Cause like now I'm laying down on a bed and I'm like, okay, now I'm getting tired. I think I'm just going to go home. Okay. And so he orders me an Uber home. Did he sound frustrated, annoyed? Did his actions make you feel guilty? No. Well, he did feel a little guilty because he, cause I was like, okay, I think I'm just, I don't care about how he felt. I'm wondering if his actions made you feel guilty for not having sex with him no no was he pouting was he like throwing a temper tantrum or was he like wasn't he wasn't super like I mean he wasn't

like super happy but he also just but he didn't make me feel guilty because I felt better that he like wanted to order an uber home for me like that yeah that's nice like if I had to like get my own and like he was just like k bye then I've been like okay well he's obviously not that caring so like that action to me meant a lot more it was something yeah it was I don't think he deserves a medal but it's nice I know I'm giving him too much credit. But yeah, no, I thought that was really nice. So then when I got home, he texted me.

It was like, did you get home safely? And I was like, yes. Great. And he was like, I he's like, I'm looking forward to seeing you again. Like I had a lot of fun tonight. Blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, me too. Good night. Literally five days go by and I'm, nothing from him. Like no text,

like no, Hey, how are you? And so I got frustrated and I'll admit on my part, this was wrong of me. But, um, before we met on our date, we became friends on Instagram. And so I went and unfollowed him and made him unfollow me. Made him unfollow you yeah because you win what so hold on you went on a date yes pants off ubers you home checks in says he has fun yeah then he doesn't reach out for five days and then five days later you unfollowed him on instagram and then reached out to him via instagram and made him unfollow? Like, okay, so what you could do on Instagram, you can like unfollow somebody and then you can remove them from your list, from your followers.

Like without them knowing. You can have someone unfollow you on your own? Yeah, you can have somebody. What? Yeah, that's the thing. You can make people unfollow you. Look that up after this. So you did that.

You unfollowed you for him. Yes, because I was like, you know what? Like, if he doesn't want to talk to me, I'm going to take matters in my own hand. And that's fine. I didn't know that existed. I mean, that's also more, that seems more normal than you going,

calling him and saying, unfollow me now. But you didn't have to do that. You just did it for him. And I wouldn't do that. Like I was like, okay, no, that's nuts. Okay. So, so then, um, he, so literally two hours later after I did that, he noticed, he texted me and he's like, Hey, how's your week going? Oh, he pretended he didn't notice. yeah i don't even know but i was like i was like number one yeah you're not gonna address that and number two you're just gonna like oh hey like how random but um so i never replied to that because i got pissed you didn't reply okay no yeah i didn't reply yeah so these texts i'm looking at when did these the start hey neil

okay so i sent in the email and then a couple of days after I sent in the email, I was like, I was like, fuck it. I'm just going to take matters into my own hands again and just text him because it's going to be the new year. Like, I don't want to have to like, cause like it was like a month or so that went by and like, I was still thinking about the guy. So I was like, you know what? I'm just going to do something. I couldn't wait long enough there is nothing worse than paying a lot of money for fast cheap fashion especially when you're ordering clothes online I gotta tell you Everlane is changing the game because when you're ordering clothes via the interweb it's nice to order it from a company that cares about where they're getting the material they're using to make the clothes.

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him. Yeah. Okay. So yeah, I sent those messages reaching out to him okay and i have these messages i'm gonna go ahead and read them to our yeah read them tell me tell me if you think i was i don't know hey nathan she writes exclamation point you sound excited wow okay i was just thinking about how you're doing okay it's a small lie there but very vague sounds very positive it was more like hey neil where the fuck have you been it was more that's probably what you meant he writes hi that's weird since you deleted me on instagram and quit talking to me lol but i'm all right currently in park city with friends it's aggressive but fair right on the part of nathan no i'm his message yeah haha i know right i love how you laugh it's like haha yeah i did

haha i know right and yet i still think about you okay i was trying to be playful. Okay. Fair enough. He doesn't respond. How long did you, before you sent the follow-up text? Was it an immediate or did you, because there's another message by you. It was all within like an hour. Like we were texting. No, but you write, ha ha ha. I know. Right. And yet I still think about you. And then you sent another message that says, well, that sounds fun to exclamation point. I hope you have a good time there. Was that shortly after or is that like an hour later? No, that was right after. He gives you a thumbs up.

That's not good. Oh, he gives you a thumbs up, which is, he's pouting. What are you thinking about me, question mark? And also, why did you drop me? He writes, that I was wanting to see you again. Honestly, I felt hurt, but in hindsight, I just handled the situation wrong. Okay, that's fair. I hurt you?

Question mark, question mark, question mark, exclamation point. Exclamation point. Well, in fairness to Nathan here, it sounds like he's completely oblivious to what you are upset about, which you've yet to address. Yes. In fairness to Nathan, for him, maybe five days is appropriate. But you decided that five days wasn't. You unfollowed him.

And then you reached out to him, accusing him of hurting your feelings. You don't know if he's stupid or not. I mean. And you're, you know, just saying. So he's concerned. He doesn't want to be hurting you. Yes, I felt hurt by you. I felt like days after the date you didn't give a shit.

So I just put up a wall. But I regret the way I reacted and would like to see you again. Oh, I'm sorry you felt like that. I mean, it's not an apology. I know, right? Apology 101. Why would you say that? Okay.

But in fairness to him, he's probably thinking, what the fuck is she talking about? I thought I said I was busy through the week and we'd have to hang out on the weekend. Is that true? I mean, my next message was I had no knowledge. How are we going to rectify this situation, LOL? Rectify? No, not to my knowledge, but it's okay. Thank you.

He writes, okay. This is just going nowhere. Well, you're still replying to me, so this is a good sign. That's like you're having an inner monologue thought that you decided to text him. When do you come back from Park City? Well, I wanted to see you again and i believe in second chances he's giving you a second chance you hearted that message his willingness to give you a second chance you hearted fuck i'm back sunday morning would you be free during the day

or that sunday night oh god when are you free, Nathan? Or another day? I mean, really, honestly, I'll just be available whenever you want, Nathan. She didn't write that. She wrote in another day since you're just getting back, possibly Sunday evening. What do you have in mind? And where did it go from here? Have you guys met up? Sorry. Actually, before that, we were talking when he was like, we had decided we'll hang out when he gets back on that Sunday. And then we were going to like, go watch the sunset and like go to dinner, you know, just try and like make things like, you know, happen again. But then he got back two days early and he was like, um, he was like, did you want to just come over tonight? And I was like, okay, sure.

And so I was going to go there. And then he texts me like, hey, I think I should get a COVID test before I see anyone. I was like, okay, you know what? That's great. Yeah, I agree. And then. Especially since he's like in Park City doing God knows what. Exactly. He was like, we were in a sketch doing god knows what exactly he was like we were

in sketchy places so i was just like okay whatever and so um and then so we end the night like saying because we were i was gonna come over didn't end up happening and then we stopped talking and then the next day he texts me he's like hi like what are you up to today? And then I tell him and I'm like, what about you? And and then he never replies to me. And that was like now two days ago to yeah, two days ago. And I'm just like, is he trying to get back at me now? Like, I don't know. Like, this is a whole just messy situation. I don't think you should spend much more time worrying about him. I know. What do you what do you like about him other than you had a kind of okay time? I think he's cute. He's established.

You think he's hot? No, I think he's cute. I don't think he's hot. I think he's cute. He has a good smile. Yeah, like he lives alone. He has a good job. I don't know.

I don't know too much. So he's a guy. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So you don't know, right. You don't know much about him. Yeah.

Other than like, you know, he's kind of horny. His response to you saying, I want to wait 10 days was a very kind of like, that sounds like a lot of work. Yeah. He's not willing to put into work for sex right it doesn't sound like a guy to me who's all that interested in having a relationship even guys who don't want to have a relationship are better at pretending right so he's pretty clear that he's not necessarily that interested in he's fine casually hanging out with you he has a good time he's a like not a total asshole asshole that he'll get you an Uber. He'll check in and make sure you got home safely, right? Sounds like he's good at the whole making out thing.

He took his pants off and successfully made you think it was kind of hot. So he's got moves. Kind of. Kind of. But yeah, he's not really giving you anything else. Do you want a relationship? Are you just kind of looking for a hang and bang you know either either answers are fine yeah i mean i'm definitely looking for a relationship and definitely yeah and so what about the first date would would tell

you that he is i i i don't know i got the the the vibe because he was talking about like second dates and then he was talking like i was like talking about going to church and he was talking about like second dates and then he was talking like I was like talking about going to church and he was like oh I can go with you to church like I'll go with you yeah like that's why he offered church he offered it yeah like I didn't even ask him I didn't even I was just like bringing it up that I go and then I go on Sunday you know obviously and he was like oh I'll go with you next time like I'll go with you blah blah and so i was thinking i was like okay this guy like sounds like a really good guy it's one of those things where it sounds really great but it doesn't necessarily mean much at first yeah like it could mean a lot

but just because he's willing to like sit through church service doesn't necessarily mean anything other than that's what he's willing to do might be what he's willing to do to get laid for all you know, you have very little information about this guy. I know very well. What you do know is that he doesn't necessarily pay attention to what you say you want. And the things that you say that you're not okay with, he doesn't take his like clear answers. He takes his suggestions. Well, I'm not, I'm not going to have sex with you tonight. And he keeps trying, right? Like like he doesn't he's not paying attention to you he's not listening he's not necessarily respecting what you want he's hoping he can convince you to change your mind yeah and then when you sound definitive about what you want he kind of pouts and complains and then like at a

minimum he like gets you an uber so you don't think he's a total asshole all right but so i guess so listen i don't think this is your guy, right? I think for you in the future, you have this weird like pattern of like being a passive aggressive, but like weirdly direct when it doesn't make sense, right? Like you unfollow him and make him unfollow you and then like tell him that you were thinking about him. Like, so just be direct right away rather than passive aggressive. You don't have to unfollow him. Like that's, it it's so petty then you immediately give him the upper hand like get then you give him an opportunity to get mad at you for something like he shouldn't even get mad about he turned the table on you and all of a sudden you're apologizing and he's giving you second chances how did you go from like being pissed he didn't reach out to you to like him agreeing to give you a second chance like what

the fuck how did you do that to yourself? Well, because I feel like I felt like I was in the wrong. Like I felt like I like ran away from the situation when I should have at least communicated that I like if I was mad, I should have at least communicated it. I like took the easy. Well, I mean, next time, if you don't hear from a guy that you want to hear from, why don't you text him and say, how's it going? Exactly. See if he responds right away.

That's what was like beating, like I was beating myself up about it because I was like, in hindsight, I would have totally done it differently. I would have reached out and took matters into my own hand in that way versus like taking matters in my own hand and like unfollowing him and all that stuff. Yeah. So now, you know, so next time it happens, just handle it differently. But at the same time, I don't think you should like I'm not saying he's a bad guy or he's some sort of sexual predator, but I think it's important to realize that like he's definitely more interested in getting laid than he is finding a relationship. And I think you can, I, if, if I look at it,

I've had sex on the first date, right? I, I, I don't go on first dates and hope to get laid, but it has happened where we have had sex. Right. And I've gone on first dates where I've been really attracted, sexually attracted to, to the, my date. But if I really liked someone and she said 10 dates, I wouldn wouldn't my first response would have been would not have been that's a really long time if i liked her enough i'd be like okay if i didn't like her enough i would just not say anything i'd be like okay cool like no problem and then like maybe not follow up or or i wouldn't say let's have a second date, you know. So what I'm saying is this is a guy who sees your reluctance to have sex as a challenge. Not because he necessarily likes you.

He sees it as a challenge. Yeah, and he kept trying. And that's, you know, probably why he wanted to go on a date with you. Not because he liked you enough to wait 10 days, but because maybe he could convince you to do it on date two or three. Yeah. And if he really liked you, you said you wanted to wait 10 days. And what did he want you to do on the second date? Is it to come over?

I mean, that's not a date. I know. It's so true. Do you want to come over? That's not a date. No, not at all. I know it's so true they want to come over that's not a date no not at all I know I think I was just like confused with the whole thing but

there's no reason to be confused about I feel like his actions definitely speak louder yeah they do right and that's fine like you just you need to he's not going to be honest with himself and so you just need to recognize the red flags a little bit better this is a need to he's not going to be honest with himself and so you just need to recognize the red flags a little bit better this is a learning opportunity it's not

the end of the world you know um i wouldn't feel bad the thing that you can take from it going forward is when you like someone and you want to reach out to them even like in a first date there's definitely confusion around what his life like is like what his schedule is like so just be more open and direct up you know rather than passive aggressive it's really hard to get what you want when you're passive aggressive aggressive with someone you don't know i mean you're you're just kind of you're you're just throwing darts against the wall hoping something lands you know i don't ever advocate for being passive aggressive but you at least have to know how someone might respond to your actions because, you know, it's obviously a manipulation tactic

to be passive aggressive, to like try to get someone to do or say something without like being direct. Yeah. But when you do that with someone you're dating, you at least know how to like push their buttons. When you do it with someone you don't know who they are, you're just like... Being crazy.

Yeah, exactly. It sounds like you're fucking crazy when you when you try to be passive-aggressive with people you don't know it just comes across as nuts and you had no you that's not a crazy thought to feel confused about why he didn't reach out or call so next time just be a little bit more direct as far as this guy goes i think he's just a guy who just wants to get laid and have some sex and he is willing to try to convince you to change your mind. Yeah. So regardless,

he sees you as a challenge. That's really it. Okay. But like, so that whole five days that he didn't reply to me or he didn't text me, that was, would that be like a good indicator to know that he's probably just looking for sex?

Like not necessarily. It's an indicator that he wasn't super excited about the date. He, it's an indicator that he liked you and you might follow up. And maybe there's just a lot of, you know, one date can only tell you so much about two people, right? So all it really told you is that he wasn't like over the moon excited about a second date because he would have definitely reached out. He would have made plans if he was excited. And that's okay.

You can be not excited on the first date and it can end up being the love of your life. But that's all you really know about that. Right? Yeah. Yeah. That's so true. But what he did on the first date was an indication that he was probably more interested in getting laid than anything else. Right. Yeah. I think so. But I also kind of felt bad because I feel like it was me that I was like, yeah, we can go back to your house. I feel like I should have probably ended the date. It would have been, yes. Yeah, I think that gave him the idea that like, oh, maybe I can just get laid by her. Versus like, oh, maybe I should date her. Well, I don't think you should feel guilty.

You didn't do anything wrong, right? Just because you'd agree to go upset is not permission. You're not giving him permission. So that's not your fault. I don't want to be clear about that. But in the future, yes, to avoid confusion, just trust your gut and go home, right? And there's a good bet that he might try if you go up to his apartment on the first night. Doesn't mean you have to apologize for that but to avoid those type of situations it might help just not going up there setting your boundaries right uh up front and um yeah it just what it might help avoid confusion in the future okay okay thank you all right best All right. Take care. When it comes to getting

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It's wonderful. I used it on Sunday. Go to echelonfit.com slash V-I-A-L-L. That is E-C-H-E-L-O-N fit.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Right now, you can try any Echelon fitness equipment at home for 30 days. How's it going? Uh, it's good. Um, I'm Jennifer. I'm 21. Um, yeah. Nice to meet you, Jennifer. How can I help? Yeah. Um, so I wrote in, um, about a situation with my girlfriend. So we've been together for three years. And I'm 21.

We started dating, like, a couple months into going to college together. And now we're going to be graduating in the spring. Okay. And I think I'm just looking forward to that, with a lot of stress because there's a lot of uncertainty about like what our lives will look like after that um we don't really know like if we're gonna um I think I'm hesitant and she's hesitant too about planning like around each other because there's so much unknown I mean there's so much about the situation but I guess like I'm wondering um like do you have like advice for approaching like such a stressful time um for a relationship we're we're going to be going

back to school in February so we'll be living like right next door to each other with COVID restrictions that means we're like pretty much around each other like all the time like we're the only people we see um so yeah I mean I think we also both know we don't want to be in a long distance relationship long term so that's like um looking ahead like something um that I'm like like if we ended up in different cities with jobs I don't think we would stay together but we just don't know and so um yeah i mean do you have advice how do you handle that if it feels like there's a countdown clock on the relationship or also like it's our it's for both of us it's our first serious relationship so there's i don't know i think like the idea of

staying together is also scary because it's like am i closing myself off to other experiences sure yeah for sure um is that the only, so are there no real main issues in the relationship? Just kind of general, normal fears that a young couple might experience in a very transitional period in your life? It's just like the logistical stuff. Like the, if our circumstances don't align, that's like the stress. I feel like our relationship itself is pretty positive. We just don't know like what's next. And I don't know how to handle that. Yeah. And then didn't you also write in, though, there's like like her family doesn't know as well, which is a little bit of a stress. Yeah, I was thinking about that. I don't want to go too much into it because I feel like it's not necessarily mine to share.

But but yeah, her family doesn't know about our relationship. So that's kind of another level to it. It hasn't been so far. Obviously, long term, it would be at some point. But right now, I think it's more of a stress for her. So I think I'm mostly trying to be like empathetic with it and not. Yeah, because my family knows. My family is amazing.

And so I feel like I have the support I need, but I'm just like, I know it's really hard for her. So just to kind of recap, overall, the relationship's fairly positive. Right? It is. I mean, it's definitely hard to be when we're apart and we don't have much control over like when that is because of COVID, because of like how young we are. But the fact like when I think when we have a future date, when we're like, OK, we're going to see each other this time and be together for this long, like it's it's a positive thing. When we don't have that, it's a little bit harder. Yeah. I mean, listen, I think my advice is going to be something that's probably easier said

than done. But as you kind of mentioned, it sounds like in addition to having this relationship, which you value and you hope that it works out, it sounds like you, and I'm not sure about your girlfriend, recognize that this is a very important transitional period in your life. recognize that this is a very important transitional period in your life. And you sounds like you also recognize the possibility that this relationship could work out and also that it might not. And you're just trying to figure out how to prioritize your personal choices in your life that relate specific to you in your life and the relationships. Is that kind of sum up your your general overall concerns

yeah i think i'm also wondering like is it just naive and stupid if i were to like really prioritize being with her and like looking at like because like i don't know like is it stupid to be like oh maybe she's like the one like should i like i don't think it's stupid at all, right? I think whether you're 21 or you're 31 or you're 51, right, you can't predict the future. As you get older, hopefully you have a little bit more perspective and life experiences and you will be making decisions based off of more information. But you will find as you get older, you can become a little too guarded and a little

too reserved and a little too skeptical because you're balancing, you know, things that happened to you in the past versus someone new, right? And you kind of project insecurities. So it's not necessarily easy to make the decisions that you think are best for you. You know, they're just kind of different decisions. I think you just kind of have to go into this with a level head, right? I think it's probably safer to knowing that you're young and that you kind of have the world in front of you and this is your first relationship.

It's logical to recognize that you just don't know what else is out there, right? You just, and you love your girlfriend, right? That's great. And so it's probably safer to be a little bit more open-minded to the possibility of something else. Right. Um, I think the best approach is to kind of see how things go, you know, see if like the long distance becomes an issue, right? Um, what do you want to be after, like, what are you studying? What do you, what do you want to do? That's a great question. Yeah, I'm a sociology major. I'm looking at like jobs and like community activism, nonprofit stuff.

I don't really know. But right now I feel like I'm kind of just applying to anything. I would like to, you know, not be living at home once I graduate. Have you guys talked about a city you guys would want to live in post college? talked about a city you guys would want to live in post college there's been like some speculation like i know certain places we've talked about cities like we each individually would want to live in but it really comes down to like where we get a job like because it's each of us because it's not easy to do that right now so it's just i think the uncertainty is what's really hard because like honestly we have no idea and then we're going to be spending this next several months, like, in very close proximity to each other, which is great. But then it's also, like, the stress that comes with that.

Well, yeah, listen, like, that will be a good indicator whether you guys are meant for each other, right? I mean, if you want to be with someone long term, you should enjoy being around them like 100% of the time. You're always going to get sick of the people you're around most of the time, doesn't matter how much you love them. But generally, that's a good test of relationship. And if it and if you guys kind of get on each other's nerves, then maybe you realize, you know, not my person. That's that's totally fine. You know, as far as, you know, this this kind of limbo that you feel like you're in career wise my only advice to you is just try to be patient right like trust me i i get it when i was in college i was it was a

different time different economy at the same time like oh i was so um i wanted a job so bad you know and so it was so important to me to aggressively you know go to job fairs meet with recruiters do interviews and i was lucky enough that i got a job offer before i graduated and i and i started my new job the very next day and i wish i never did yeah and i wish i never did that though right so my point is like your first year out of school don't panic or stress right don't uh if you want to do that great but some people choose to, you know, it's a different time because of COVID and things like that. But you know, if it wasn't a COVID world, maybe you'd want to go to Europe and backpack for a few months with your girlfriend.

That could be a really fun, memorable experience. Like, chances are, if you are a great employee, dedicated, smart, driven, you will find someone to take a chance at you and prove that you are a good hire, right? It may not come right away, right? It may not. You might not start working the day after you graduate, but it's not a race in terms of who gets there first, right? So I just try to have some patience. I know there's financial implications and things like that, and I don't know your situation, but my only advice to you in terms of, you know, the stresses of trying to find a job out of college, just take it easy on yourself. Like try to find the right one to that same point. If you're dating someone, right. And you're just like, well, at the end

of the day, it's about who, where we find a job. Well, if you really love your girlfriend and you think you have a great thing and you both say, want to move to a, you know, you pick out a few cities that you want to move to and that's where you want to do and you happen to get a job in different cities, it wouldn't be the craziest thing for one of you to say, you know what, this sounds like a nice job, but it's, I don't know, it's not my dream job and I would rather have my dream job in a dream city. I don't think it's the end of the world to not take that first job you get offered, right? You know, you just have to decide how important it is to you. You know, don't just take a job just because you are afraid of not having a job, you know, bet on yourself, you know, believing yourself and believing your

ability to, you know, someone, whoever hired me is going to get so lucky with how hard I'm willing to work, you know, believe in that ability, right? If you're a driven person, you will find it. I have no doubt. And so there's a lot of things in my life that I thought I wanted and I was impatient and it didn't work out only to have things happen later. And it's the best case scenario. There's a lot of things I have now in my life

I wouldn't have if I was given those opportunities I would have said yes to otherwise. Does that make sense? Yeah, I think, yeah. So don't be afraid if you have a good relationship to prioritize that relationship. And you know what? If you end up breaking up a year later, it's still fine, right? Don't give up your dream. If you have a dream job, if there is something you're

just like, this is my dream job and you get offered that opportunity, then you might have to make some sacrifices to the relationship. But, you know, don't be afraid. You don't feel like you have to take the first job you're offered to in whatever city it is just because you're like, oh, I have to do it, you know, and then sacrifice everything else. I don't think you have to do that at all. That's I think that's actually very comforting to hear that like it's OK to prioritize a relationship, I guess. OK, my other like follow up question to that is like if she is not willing to like if she is like I'm going to take a job in this place, like is that like a red flag that like we're thinking about it differently or is that like

a situation where it's fine? Like I cannot prioritize my job as much. It depends. Right. Depends on how you guys if you feel like you're in a relationship with someone who is always going to prioritize their needs first. That's sure. That's a potential red flag. Right. If you're going to make a decision, say, not take a job in whatever city just because it's your first job because you want to prioritize the relationship and you feel like that's not even on their radar in terms of – Then, yeah, that is a red flag for the relationship. You know what I'm saying? Like it doesn't do you any good to make all these sacrifices for a relationship.

And then your girlfriend is just like, listen, if it works out, it works out. But I'm not going to do anything. I'm not going to go out of my way at all to make this relationship work. I'm going to take the job that I want. I'm going to live in the city that I want to live. And if you happen to be there, then we'll still date. Yeah, that's a red flag for the relationship. So as a couple, if you guys want to say, hey, we love each other.

We want to try to make this work. Let's see if we can make some reasonable sacrifices and have our cake and eat it too. Right? I think there's nothing wrong with doing that. But yes, you should both be on that same page. You should be both willing to make some reasonable sacrifices. And if it takes you six more months or 12 more months to find a job that you really love, I think that's okay.

Again, I don't know your financial situation and if you can afford to do that. months or 12 more months to find a job that you really love that I think that's okay. You know, again, I don't know your financial situation. And if you can afford to do that, but if you can, I think it's okay not to take a job that you don't love or won't, you know, be passionate about or won't want to be in just, you know, you don't want to have your first job to be something that you're miserable in and you end up not being your best self and you don't end up getting a referral and you want to quit in six months, that doesn't do you any good. You know, something that you don't want to end up putting on your resume anyways because you didn't get the experience you thought you wanted or, you know, it just was negative for you and negative energy and it affected your personal life. Those are things you should take into account when you're making those decisions. Yeah, I appreciate that. I think that's a very useful perspective to hear.

Yeah, and don't be afraid to call this relationship your first love, and that's what it is. Maybe that's all this person is, is a building block for your relationship life. Most people don't end up with their first life, and that's okay. There's a reason why, because you're winning the relationship lottery if you do. Most people don't win the lottery.

It's hard to do. Alright. Well, best of luck. I have no doubt that you are going to be successful in whatever it is that you want to do. Thank you so much. I will keep your voice in the back of my head when i have to all right

sounds good all right bye-bye how's it going good how are you good what's your name uh sarah hi sarah how old are you i'm 25 how can i help um so i don't know how much of the emails you read beforehand, but basically... Pretend. Assume I didn't read anything. Okay. I've been on and off with this guy for two years now. And for a majority of that time, he's, I guess, been struggling with an alcohol addiction. Okay. And it's been the main source of every fight, basically, we've had for the last two years.

Like, we don't really have issues with anything else except when he's drinking, the way he drinks, and what follows his drinking. So we've broken up. He says he's going to get sober. We get back together and go right back to where we started. But I guess two months ago, we like broke up. I asked him to move out. And then he's been sober since. So he's two months sober. We've remained in contact. He's been, I guess, better. everything that I asked him to do for like the

entirety of our relationship so I guess now the struggle is I'm I'm still angry so like can I get past is it possible to get past what are you angry about? The way he treated me and people, I guess, things he did when he was drinking. What specifically? Well, he'd just always bail. So we'd make plans, but then he'd go out to drinking the night before and then just not show up the next day. So he's generally kind of unreliable.

Yeah. Okay. Why do you want to make it work with him? Because aside from the drinking, everything else is good. And what I want, we have the same values. Morals want the same thing.

Like what? Family, marriage, kids. Okay. I mean, I'm giving you a hard time here, but I just want you to kind of hear

what you're saying is that you really you want to be with him because you have the same values and those values are family marriage and kids which are great but my guess is there's other guys out there who also want the same thing right so what specifically do you think that he has that you don't think you could find somewhere else? Interesting. I don't know. I guess the way I feel. I mean, I. And how do you feel? It sounds like you feel angry, right?

Sad, frustrated, confused. Yeah. But then under that, like, I love him. What do you love about him? He's funny. I like that he gets along with my family he's very outgoing and friendly and I tend to not be sometimes so he gets me out of my shell and gets me out doing things and that's nice and so the the drinking I mean you're not I'm assuming you're not uh some sort of health care professional that is capable of diagnosing, you know, his drinking.

But in your in layman's terms, do you feel like he's an alcoholic? Yes. OK. And other like and what has he done to get sober? And what has he done to get sober? Has he just decided to quit cold turkey? As far as you know, solely based off of essentially your ultimatum? He started therapy and he did stop cold turkey and he is seeing an addictions counselor and has mentioned AA, but we're in lockdown here. So I don't know if that's even happening right now. It's good that he's going through the, you know, he's, he sounds like he's going through some actual steps that are going to help him out. Listen, I, my advice is, is, you know, as always, like you have to consider this guy might not be your guy, right? Um, you met him, you liked him. He's funny. He, he does these nice things and he, you know,

and that's great. But when you say, well, everything else is great, but this, but this is a big problem when he is drinking it, it's a, as you said, a hundred percent of our fights are about this. And when he's drinking, it's happened on a regular basis like don't discount that right don't make it sound like a small thing when it's taking up a big part of your energy especially as it relates to the relationship right and you are allowed to not get over it does it make you a bad person does it make you uh not a fighter so to speak like there no, nowhere does it say that you have to, if you fall in love with someone and they end up having some sort of addiction problem, that you are somehow attached to this person. It's your responsibility to be there for them.

And you would be a bad person if you, if you left because they have this addiction problem that they have to work on themselves. And while it's great, he's going through this therapy and it's great. He's taking these steps. There's no guarantee that he isn't going to relapse or this, this process might be take a while, right? Yeah. You know, it could be a couple years before he's really gotten to a place where, you know, um, you can trust that, you know, there's a good chance he won't relapse. And even then there's probably no guarantee. You have to decide for yourself whether you really are willing to deal with that. You're still young. There's plenty of other men out there, plenty of other guys who want family, who will make you laugh, who want kids, who will get you out of your shell, tons of those guys. So, and, and, and all those guys who might not have a drinking problem.

So you have, you have the right to leave, you know, you, we sometimes decide that like, well, I'll feel like a bad person or I'll feel like, well, I can't leave him now when he's in need. You know, I mean, you can stay, but you also can leave and neither choice will define your character, right? It won't say anything about you and you have, it's okay to leave. Do you sometimes feel guilty about the possibility when you consider leaving, especially knowing that he's decided to get help now? Yeah, for sure. I do feel guilty. Yeah. How much of that guilt do you think plays a role in your decision to stay? I don't know if that's the problem. I think another part is that I know that I tend to hold a grudge and I stay angry. Like someone robbeded me three years ago that one time I'm going to remember it

and I'm going to be mad about it. That's a good thing for you to work out. So I know that that's something I need to work on. So I'm sort of like, I think it's partially, I need to work on that. And I mean, I know I have a right to be angry about things that have happened, but it's just at what point is it like too much has happened or is it possible to just trust and forgive? Sure. Yeah. The answer to all those questions is yeah, sure. You know, it's up to the person, you know, like what I'm saying is he's got this

issue he's dealing with. You have just recognized something that you think you could work on as a person. Those two shortcomings that you both have as individuals might mean that you're not the best match, right? Maybe he's better served with being someone who's a little bit more forgiving. And I don't mean that as a bad thing, like, you know, someone who's, you're not going to go back to, you know, something that happened a few years ago, right? Because while you're working on this, right, he's working on this, it might create too much, you know, bad blood or tension or too much baggage. You know what I'm saying? So it's a, I think that's something to consider. How much do you think of, how much do you wonder if there's other matches out there for you?

Not often. I guess recently I have because we broke up and he moved out and I kind of just live alone and we're in a pandemic so I'm like I wonder but I I think I definitely think about him and our what our future would be more than I think about what if there was someone else okay Okay. And when you, do you ever feel like when he was drinking, like, do you ever feel like, think to yourself, why can't you do this for us? Or why can't you do this for me? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Well, um, that's, that's probably like a dangerous thought process, right? Because it's not really, you know, if he has an addiction problem, it's, you know, I guess what I'm saying is that's kind of a dangerous mindset to have, right? In terms of, oh, well, if you love me, you should be able to do this type of stuff. And, you know, it's proving his love and commitment to you. You know, if he has an addiction problem, it's probably a little bit beyond that, right? And I think sometimes we have a way of trying to qualify

how strong our love is for one another by how much they're willing to do. If you love me, you would do this, you know, type of stuff. I mean, when you start saying that to your partner more often than not, then maybe that is you're just trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Yeah. And I think so you'll just have to decide, you know, what's best for you. But my guess is, is that maybe you'll get lucky. Maybe it will be all smooth sailing, but it sounds like in your gut.

Let me ask you this. If one of the big questions you had was, well, I don't know if I can get over something. And you recognize that sometimes you just hold on to grudges maybe more than the average person. That all being said, if I was a genie and said, you know what? He'll never drink again. This therapy he's doing is going to be very helpful to him and he'll continue to focus on his self-growth. And as a result, your relationship will not involve alcohol. So everything he's done in the past, can you get over it? I think so.

Well, you should, I hope so, right? That's a big deal. And if you can't, that's okay to a certain extent, but then you're wasting your time trying to make this relationship work. Because what's more likely to happen is that there might be some more road bumps. If he has an actual addiction problem and, you know, it's a disease, right? that there might be some more road bumps. If he has an actual addiction problem and, you know, it's a disease, right? He's going to struggle.

And are you willing to help him through it and not throw things in his face and not hold grudges to some of his things that he has to deal with? And you don't have to do it, but if you're going to stay in this relationship, then you are choosing to do that and you have to do it with a level of you know not spiting him every time he has a downfall yeah so decide which one you want and and do it but like don't you know keep this relationship going and then you know constantly like throw things in his face when when things don't go the way you hope they would or he promised or or things like that if he if he has a real problem yeah does that make sense it does make sense yeah so in the meantime i would uh focus a lot about uh yourself too you know often these times when you are dating

someone who has this kind of in your face problem and it's so off, you know, like you're, it's sometimes we have a hard time identifying the problems relationship, but you, it's, it's pretty clear to you, right? Yeah. You're focusing so much on him and the relationship. You're, you're probably not focusing on the things that you can control or what you could be doing, right? You know, like things like getting over things. So, you know, how much energy you're focusing on this problem he has, if that's too much, then the normal things that take to make a relationship work are going to be taken for granted. That's a good point.

Yeah. Is this your first boyfriend? No. Okay. How long have you been dating him again? Two years. Okay. Yeah. no okay how long you been dating him again two years okay um yeah i mean i i think uh consider all your possibilities don't feel guilty if you want to break up um and if you want to stay

together uh you're gonna have to learn to get over things and and you're gonna have to choose to trust him yeah you know but it's possible either way sure but to have to choose to trust him. Yeah. You know? But it's possible either way. Sure. But you have to hold yourself accountable, right? Like you have to recognize if you stay with him, you are going to take a risk and you have to be realistic about the possibility that it's almost certainly not going to go the way you hope.

And you just said the best case scenario, he never drinks again. You're not even entirely a hundred percent sure you can even get over things from the past. So there's a lot of, you know, potential hurdles in this relationship, you know, when you're being honest with it. And so there's a good, it's hard for people to really have a lot of self growth while trying to also make a relationship work. And it's even harder when they feel like they have to make amends.

And you know what I'm saying? Like, well, not only do I have to be better from here on out, I have to make up for what I did in the past. It's really hard for someone to do all while he's trying to work on himself. Yeah. someone to do all while he's trying to work on himself yeah i think that's part of my problem and concern is i'm like i need to work on me and you need to work on you but i don't want to lose him in the process so it's like how do we do it all it might not be able to happen and if you want and to answer your question how do you that? You will have to make some sacrifices. You are, you know, every relationship has sacrifices.

And in this, the one you're in right now, the way you describe it, will require you to make some sacrifices. It will require you to bite your tongue, but like get over things faster than you're able, used to do it. And if you don't want to, that's fine. Then do the right thing and walk away. And it might be the best opportunity for him to work on himself if by, by walking away. And you know what, if you guys are, you know, the whole cliche, if you love something, let it go. If it's right, it'll find its way back, you know, but it sounds like maybe you're trying to,

it sounds like maybe you're trying to, you know, make a stew with the wrong ingredients, so to speak, you know? Okay. So, you know, there's no right answer, but I think whatever you have to do, just do it without judgment of yourself and don't be afraid to think about five years from now and not about tomorrow. Yeah, that's what I've been trying to do. Think of the future. Yeah. I mean, you don't want to be dealing with this in five years.

You know, 30 for you, I don't know if that sounds like really old or so long away, but when you turn 30, you're going to be like, whew, you know, 25 is going to feel real young. Yeah. When you turn 30 and you're going to definitely wish anything that you felt like a waste of time, you're going to wish you didn't do that. So just remember that when you start doing things over and over and over hoping for a different result. Hopefully that was helpful. I know, you know, sometimes it's not as clear, but a lot of this is going to come down to what you want and what you decide. And you're going to have to make some sacrifices either way. Yes. So it's good to hear. All right. But whatever you do, just don uh, don't feel like you

are somehow bound to this relationship and, and, and have to make it work. And if you decide to leave, you're not a bad person and, uh, you're not selfish. You're you're he's making his choices. You have to make yours. Thank you. All right. All right. Well, best of luck. Thank you. All right. Take care. How's it going? Good. Hi, I'm Anna. I am 24. Hi, Anna, 24. How can I help? Hello. So I wrote into you because I was engaged and actually recently became unengaged and I wanted to get your input of how everything was handled. So I'll give you a quick synopsis and then jump into my question if that works. Sure. Okay. So I started dating my then boyfriend in the summer of 2018. And at the time, like things were really great between us

and everything, except I heard some things about his mom, how she was a little crazy about things. Um, and his relationships, he actually told me that every relationship that he's ever had before ended because of her. Um, and she's been that reason, but I was like, okay, but things seem fine between us, whatever. Um, so we kept moving forward, everything. And things were honestly great between us. They loved me, it seemed. I loved them. Everything was good. We ended up getting engaged summer of 2019, a year later. And then we were planning to get married this past September, but it was canceled due to COVID. Everything was running smoothly until the wedding planning. Once the wedding planning started, we both have very big traditional families, I would say. They're much more traditional than my family, though.

So when I started pushing back on some of their things, that is when everything kind of took a turn for the worst. And she started not to like me. Okay. So when you say their things, this is not necessarily his things? They are. They're his beliefs as well. But I think his parents took it a little more seriously. And it was one of those things where he felt like he had to make them happy.

Okay. Well, that's red flag number one. But that's red flag number one. Then there's a lot more. Okay. So then once I started pushing back on some of the wedding stuff, that is when I guess she started telling him that she doesn't think I'm the one for him while we're already, we're already engaged. Like this should

have happened. I feel like before, um, she doesn't think I'm the one for him. I don't make him happy enough. She thinks, um, and she's just worried about him and us getting married. And then he would come around and tell me this and what his mom thought of me. So every time we'd get together, it was a little uncomfortable because I knew what she thought about me and us together. But fast forward now, things were fine between us. He was, he started seeing a therapist and learning how to set boundaries with his parents. And I thought things were going decently well until I learned that they were pushing back and he was kind of giving into them more than I knew. Are you still engaged at this point?

We're still engaged at this point. They would have dinners and not invite me. I wasn't allowed to come. So they could kind of talk to him about everything. A dinner that I was invited to, they acted like I was not around. It was just very harsh treatment. So then on this past Christmas Eve last week, he sits me down and he was like, listen, I can't imagine a life without you. I want to be with no one else but you.

But I can't keep doing this. My mom's going to make my life miserable until I end things with you. So he ended things. He goes, I know I'm going to be alone forever because of her. But this is how it has to go. Like, she's making my life a living hell um so my question he's 26 okay um so my question to you is he's spinning it as if he's doing me a favor like my his family was treating me so badly and he's trying to save me from them but is that just a lame excuse to say that like, he just doesn't love me enough and he's not my person? I don't know. I mean,

this sounds like a nutty situation. So maybe it is just nutty, right? Like if his family, specifically his mom is so bad and so involved and so manipulative and that he has just been trained for the 26 years of his life to not be able to disappoint his mother and not say no to his mother and not confront his mother and not be like hey mom thanks for your opinion i'm like like i'm super close with my parents so close and quite frankly not really interested and uh not everything they have to say and my parents and i have this a boundary like you know once they turned 18 you know granted i have a bunch of kids they just don't have time to like be helicopter parents for me but like they they i respect my parents where they can give me advice but they respect the fact that i can choose my

own life and they're i'm not going to disagree it. And at the end of the day, they love me and they'll be there for me even if I get it wrong. They're not going to be like, I told you so. That's the relationship I have with my parents. I'm thankful for that. It's not how every family goes. And sometimes moms and dads can be those parents. And that's going to be a fucking nightmare for you uh if you stay in that relationship so it doesn't really matter if he's it doesn't sound like he's using his mom as an

excuse and he just really doesn't love you he's just in a hard situation and that's no he's not in a hard situation i mean you know he's 26 he's a wuss you know he's yeah i mean i guess his mom did this to him but at some point if he can if he's going to therapy like just nut up and just push back you know i'm sorry your mom put you in this position and she will guilt him and and what you know his mom's a bully you know sometimes the parents can be bullies and the only way to you know face bullies is to kind of metaphorically just punch him in the mouth. You know, I don't think he should punch his mom, but like his mom needs to know that she

can't manipulate him anymore. And until he faces his mom and sticks up to his mom and says to his mom, either literally or metaphorically, I am not afraid to lose my relationship with you. If you come in the way of the things that I love, she won't go anywhere. But he doesn't have the courage to do that and fuck he has a long road to recovery before he probably gets to that place so you have to decide is it really worth it to you i mean fuck that was yeah my next question because he said that he wanted to take this next year to work on himself and work on the boundaries with his parents. Great. Good luck to him.

And you should go out and start dating and say goodbye. I mean, I know this sucks and I know this is recent and you are engaged, but fuck. What a blessing. I mean, this was going to be a fucking nightmare. Thank God his mom brought up that shit. Like, God, could you imagine her biting her tongue, getting married, and then her being a nightmare when you guys started having kids together? I know. Everyone keeps telling me a blessing in disguise. He has a lot of growing up to do.

And it sounds like his mom's toxic. Yeah. Parents can be toxic, you know? Right. Just like boyfriends and siblings and friends can all be toxic, and she's toxic. And, you know, that's where it sucks for him because it is his mom. He loves his mom. He can't imagine hurting his mom.

And she's fucked him up for 26 years. And he's probably going to take more than a year to, you know. To fix it all and get back to himself. But that's his deal. And he has to probably work on it as an individual alone. And he probably won't be able to do that with you. But if you want to say this to him, maybe you probably won't be able to do that with you. But if you want to say this to him, maybe you just need to express yourself and say that to him.

You know, it's not going to change anything. I would, if you want to say that to him, you're just doing it to get it off your chest. Right. It's not because he's going to like the next day and be like, yep, told the bitch off, you know, like it's not going to happen. Exactly. It doesn't change overnight. You know, it's not exactly it doesn't change overnight you know it's his mom he loves his mom and yeah good for him that he loves loves his mom but it sounds it the what you're describing is an incredibly toxic relationship that is not going to change anytime soon it's not going to change going to be a nightmare for you right okay well thank you i think i needed to hear that yeah so i think you should just grieve say goodbye um thank him for letting you go i mean the best thing you can do is just not try to complicate it right exactly and that's i think where i am right now the complication

state of still talking and it's not worth it it's not worth it yeah you know it's not worth it. It's not worth it. Yeah. You know, it's dangerous territory because what's going to happen is when... There might be a good chance that if you just say no and just speak your piece and just be okay, if you act okay and content with the fact that you're right, you know what, I can't be in this relationship, he might freak out and chase you a little bit, but that doesn't mean it's going to change his behavior.

So he's a boy and unfortunately his mom, that's partly his mom's fault. Exactly. She doesn't want him to be capable of making decisions for himself and he's not it's a blessing in disguise yeah it is it is thank you you seem like you're doing okay i am i'm hanging in there doesn't it i mean aren't you like just like i my very first girlfriend uh her mom different for different reasons was a mess um i mean i'm very involved in our relationship

and and once i was out of that relationship i mean just god it was just like a was a mess. I mean, I'm very involved in our relationship. And once I was out of that relationship, I mean, just, God, it was just like a weight off my, it was just like, it's impossible to have someone

involved in a relationship that you have no control over. And it's just, it's a nightmare. And they start making you feel like, yeah, it's, you know, their mom starts gaslighting you.

You start like questioning your own, like they make you question your own insanity, which is what gaslighting is where you're just like what am i doing i feel like i'm a pretty good girlfriend you know like i'm not perfect but i'm like you know is am i allowed to like have things at my wedding that i want like wait is she you know like am i nuts you know like and almost need to start like that's that's not that's no it's not a relationship so yeah that's exactly what's happening so i'm sorry but this will be for the best thank you and uh just just yeah walk away

i think you're the bet the rip the band-aid off don't drag it out don't talk to this guy for another six months he's not your project it's not your problem to make sure he's going to therapy or he follows through he may or may not it's not your problem yeah okay yeah he's gonna have to truly he's gonna have to break up with his mom for a short period of time for this to get fixed that's very true and that's gonna be the hardest that's gonna be a harder breakup than it was for him and i i'm sure no no because he's gonna literally have to break up with his mom, and then his mom is going to have to come back and say, I've learned my lesson. Exactly. I don't know.

That usually doesn't happen. Yeah, so we'll see. But okay, sounds good. Thank you. All right, best of luck. Thank you. All right, bye-bye. Well, thanks for listening, guys.

Hope you enjoyed another episode of Ask Nick. Don't forget to send in your questions at asknickatcastme.com. Cast with a K. Subscribe. Rate us five stars. Tune in tonight for a recap of The Bachelor. And join us again on Wednesday for a wonderful, insightful interview. See you next time.

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