The Viall Files - E224 Ask Nick - Playing House Too Early

Episode Date: January 18, 2021

Today on Ask Nick we start with a woman who is trying to get over her relationship after she jumped into it super quick thinking it was her person, and now thinking he is a narcissist who took her for a ride. Second our caller was in a toxic relationship where she was putting up with behavior she should not be dealing with but also is being irrational in not listening to what her boyfriend is clearly telling her because of a fear of being alone. Next we speak with someone who is questioning getting engaged because she can’t figure out what the one thing is that keeps holding her back. Lastly we speak with a girl who felt rejected by someone she started to date and now that he is single again, and reaching out to her, she does not know if she should re-engage with him. She shares with us her texts so that Nick can better understand the situation hearing both sides of the conversation.  “ Its not hard for people to act like they are dating… what’s acting like we’re dating, its hanging out with someone while sex is on the table “ Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: MasterClass: http://www.masterclass.com/VIALL for 15% off an annual membership  Echelon: http://www.echelonfit.com/VIALL to try any Echelon Fitness equipment at home for 30 days.  Freshly: http://www.freshly.com/VIALL to get $40 off your first two orders  Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What is going on everybody? Hope you are having a wonderful day so far. Whatever time of the day you're listening to this episode. I am Nick, your host, joined by Chrissy. How you doing? I'm doing good. What? You're like, how you doing?

Yeah. We got one part of the syndicate in the studio. Amanda,ie's probably listening somewhere we have a great episode for you today thanks for obviously tuning in to our ethnic episodes I won't spoil the surprise they're

great we have a great week lined up for you we got Teddy Mellencamp who has been a guest on our podcast will be with us to break down The Bachelor. She's a massive fan and she could not be more excited to break down and analyze week three of The Bachelor. So we are excited to do that with Teddy. And on Wednesday, we got a fantastic episode that I have no doubt my ethnic audience will love.

Dr. Alexandra Solomon, a professor at Northwestern who teaches classes like a marriage one-on-one. She is one of the most sought after and respected people when it comes to talking about relationships and marriage and like in the world, communication in the world, most trusted voices in the world, in the world. Is that like,

I know she, I mean, she's fantastic. But when you said that, it reminded me of when you walk down the street and it works in the world. In the world. Is that like... I know. I mean, she's fantastic. But when you said that, it reminded me of when you walk down the street. And it works all the time. There's this place in New York that says, world's best chocolate cake. World's best coffee? And I'm just like, well, I got to try it now.

I'm curious. I like chocolate cake. World's best professor, therapist, speaker. Love it. So if that doesn't pique your interest, come and give her. You know what? And you can decide for yourself. But she is fantastic.

And we are excited to have her on. And you guys are going to love it. So be sure to check in with us there. Merchvilefiles.com. Make sure to follow us on Instagram. We have a lot of new, fun, and engaging content for you. Vilefiles on Instagram. One thing we want to start doing, and we'll promote it on our Instagram,

you guys seem to get a kick out of me reading your texts. And obviously, we encourage that for our callers. But we're going to try this new thing we're not exactly sure how we want to package it but if you have text conversations out there whether it's on a dating app or just iMessage and you find them to be confusing you're not sure what he they're trying to say send him on over and we'll uh we'll do something with them uh you can send them to asknickatcastme.com also sending your them to asknickatcastme.com. Also sending your questions at asknickatcastme.com,

cast with a K. Is there anything else I'm forgetting? No, I think that's it. You got it covered today. Look at you. Great. Awesome. I guess let's just get to it.

Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. how's it going good how are you i'm great what's your name my name's lauren 31 hi lauren 31 how can i help i guess i can start from the beginning of, I guess, where this all started. I met a guy this summer. I met him off of a dating app, Bumble. Typical meet people. That's how you meet people these days. Great. And we had our first date and it was a great first date. We met on a Monday.

And Tuesday, I was out on his boat. Wednesday, he invited me over for dinner. I ended up staying the night. It just was a very quickly moving relationship, more than I've ever been in before. Usually, it's like a date one week, another date the second week. But this one moved really fast. That's the first time you've ever done something like that? Yes.

And it was also very strange because on our second date he was already telling me how um he's never felt this way about anyone before and he told me that he would never forget what i was wearing the first day he met me all this stuff um kind of just made me feel like he thought I was the one. Yeah, exactly. So let me, let me, let me ask you this. So when you say it's the first time this has happened, it's not necessarily you've been against it. You just never dated a guy who moved things so quickly and you just kind of went with it. Yeah, because yes, exactly. So I kind of felt like he was different as well. Like I just felt super comfortable with him at first.

So I guess I had this sense that it was a different type of relationship too. I mean, I remember telling my good girlfriends that like, guys, I think I met my future husband, like silly stuff like that after two dates. And so like the first couple of weeks, it was very much like I was like head over heels. We both thought we were each other's person. Um, well, at least I did. I think he might've had a different agenda. Um, and after two weeks into it, um, his ex started coming into the picture. Um, she was constantly reaching out to him. He was constantly reaching out to her going to, I remember one night, uh, it was like four in the morning and he had like five missed calls from her. She was constantly reaching out to him. He was constantly reaching out to her, going to...

I remember one night, it was like four in the morning, and he had like five missed calls from her. And I was at his place, and he was like, I have to go to her place. Like, she's upset about something. I have to go. And this was probably like a month. This is a month into the relationship?

A month into the relationship. So the speed at which things started continued for the first month. It was... Yeah, for the first month, it was like good. I would say like definitely felt like I had met my person. Like just everything like was really easy.

I remember thinking to myself at the beginning, I was like, okay, there's got to be something wrong with him. Like, why is everything... Let me ask you this when you've you keep you mentioned a few times that you felt like you met your person granted i'm sure there'll be more of the story but looking back now was that based off of like specific conversations and and tangible things that he showed or just that overall it was moving fast and you were essentially playing house and it was exciting i think maybe a little bit of both um i would say that a lot of what he was saying to me during that first month

kind of made me feel like that he was kind of my person and also the fact that he just made me feel really comfortable like he kind of asked me, you know, more of like personal questions, like things I've gone through with my life, like depression, anxiety, stuff like that. Um, and like really kind of just got to the core of me as who I am as a human. And, um, just made me feel really accepted for who I am and my history and my past and stuff like that. And so I just felt like, wow, this guy accepts me, understands me, wants me, even though I've dealt with X, Y, and Z in my past. And I just felt super comfortable with him. And I mean, not that I'm someone that I would say like, I'm more of a words of affirmation type of person as far as my love language goes. But, um, so he definitely was taking advantage of that, I think in the beginning, but also like just doing things like

sending me songs that reminded him of me or buy me flowers randomly. Um, just little things that like, I was like, wow, I've never been treated like this ever in a relationship. And I don't know if it was kind of like, Oh, you know, this is what it's supposed to be like, you know, fairytale type of relationship. And I don't know if I just kind of got, um, a little in my head about that and, you know, attributed to the fact that he was my person because of all of that. So then he got a call from an ex and he said he had to go over. Yeah. So that was interesting. I remember when, let me ask you this, when, when this got brought up, how familiar were, were you with the fact that he even had an ex and what that relationship

was like? I was pretty familiar once that call happened. He told me within our first couple of days of hanging out that he had this ex that ended things fairly recently to when we started dating. And he really had no problem with calling her kind of crazy. And the fact that the reason why things ended, it was because she was never satisfied with him and always was like, what else is out there? Never kind of gave him the chance. Um, and so in my mind, I always was like, okay, it's a, her thing. Like he tried to love her. He tried to be there for her. And she just was never accepting of that, basically. So in my eyes, you know, he was the one let go. He was the one that was hurt by everything. And I mean, I still don't know her side of the story of that, but he kind of painted this ugly picture of her in my head. So I viewed her as unstable and emotional. He even used the word bipolar. Um,

and I'm not sure if that's even the case or not, but just like little things like that to make me think that she was this unstable person. And, um, let me ask you a question when he accused her of being bipolar, did you say anything I only ask because like as you mentioned like that's that's like a that's literally a clinical thing but it also can be we all we all love to diagnose oh I'm dating a narcissist or you're psycho or you're bipolar but there's like people can be clinically diagnosed these things and yet

we as not doctors or psychologists think we can do that all the time. But when someone makes something such a specific diagnosis for someone, I think it's good to call them out. And by calling them out, I'd be like, like literally, or are you just saying that? Because if it's not literally, then that's a good opportunity for you to ask why they might be exaggerating. Yeah. I mean, I didn't really call him out on it. for you to ask why they might be exaggerating. Yeah. I mean, I didn't really call him out on it. I did like ask why he thought that. And he would say like, well, you know, she would, you know, completely be like, I want nothing to do with you. And then as soon as I started moving on with someone or started dating someone new, then she was like, they're like, I want you back kind of a situation. So that was kind of like that. That doesn't make you bipolar.

That just makes you mature. Right, right. All right. So it sounds like I was sort of waiting for this like revelation that you now have with this guy that leads to whatever concerns that you have, right? Yeah. The red flags.

It sounds like you're kind of getting to this like, he seemed like my person, seemed like my person. Red flags. It sounds like you're kind of getting to this, like, he seemed like my person, seemed like my person. But now you're wondering if some of these red flags are more of a sign of who he really is. Right. And like, I mean, that's kind of the case. Like, we only dated for about four months. But in that time, I'd fallen in love with him. But yeah, so these red flags kept coming up. But in the back of my mind, I was like,

no, you know, this is my person, like stick with it. He's a good guy. He, you know, he cares about you. Um, but he had met up with his ex a couple of times. Um, one of them was behind my back. Um, he actually ended up calling me drunk while hanging out with her, wanting me to come pick him up. Um, that's when I really probably should have ended things.

How old is he? Hindsight. He's 31. Okay. And he just kind of always played the martyr role. Like I was emotionally abused as a child. I really had to fight for people to love me. In all of my relationships, especially the one that he had just gotten out of, he was like, I really had to fight for her

to love me and like all this stuff. And I felt bad for him. I was like, that's not what you're going to get with me. Like, you don't have to fight for me type of thing. And I kind of really, uh, I guess felt bad for him and wanted to be that person that he could count on and trust. And so that kind of how it was. It's how I like kind of viewed him and just always wanted to be there for him, was always doing things for him. Even if it meant like kind of sacrificing my mental health. Well, it's still New Year's, New Year's resolutions. A lot of things that you probably thought in your life, I would like to learn that. Well, the good still New Year's, New Year's resolutions. A lot of things that you probably thought in your life, I would like to learn that.

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Like all of all this stuff. You need to go get you go see a doctor, all this stuff. He would get mad if I had to go to the bathroom in the middle of night and he would like refuse for me to let myself have a glass of water next to me in bed because he was like you're gonna have to go pee so you're not allowed to have water next to your bed okay and for me I was like okay like I guess like I don't want to disrupt your sleep so I'll just be really thirsty you in the moment you you thought that was somewhat reasonable yes um i mean deep down i was kind of like yeah yeah i i think that i like to think

back now and be like what the hell was was i thinking um uh so like little things like that uh i remember i was a group of my girlfriends decided to FaceTime me one night while I was hanging out with him. And he was really upset about it and was like, you're so loud and annoying. Like, he would always just think I was annoying and all this stuff. And I was like, OK, well, what happened to this guy that, like, loved me at the beginning? And like now it's like every single time I'm with him, I feel like I'm fucking up. I feel like I'm doing something that's pissing him off. And it would get to the point where it was like every day after I'm spending like the night with him or whatever, I'd be working.

I work from home now and I'd be working and just be like, wouldn't hear from him all day and be stressed out about the fact, like, is he still like me? Does he still want to be with me? And where are things now? You're no longer dating? We're no longer together, no. And what is your mindset? Because it sounds like you're no longer dating. Great. I just want to let you know that I personally think that's a great thing,

that you're no longer dating this guy. But it sounds like you're having a hard time getting over it. Is that accurate? Yeah. Are you wondering why? Like what's the question then? Yeah. So are you wondering why? Like, what's the question then? Yeah. So I guess my question is like, why am I still caught up on this guy that I know treated me so poorly? And I knew it wasn't a healthy relationship. Like, I mean, I think deep down that. Why do you think?

I don't know. I think that I still am kind of blinded by the thought that I, it was something. What do you, when you're, when you're grieving and you're upset and you're, you're getting over it, what do you tell yourself? Like, what are you focusing more on what he used to do that was great or what he has done most recently that was bad? What do you find yourself obsessing over more? Definitely, uh, the the prior so like thinking about like the good times we've had okay that's your mistake that's why you're not getting over it you know and listen yeah you're disappointed and that's okay the good news is like this is not a you you did it for what four months you said yeah yeah that's not a terrible amount of time like you didn't waste a lot right you gotta You got to, we got to take chances when we date. Sometimes we have to be like, fuck it. I think this guy is pretty good. I don't know for sure. I'm going to invest more time and

find out. Like we have to take chances. Most of the time it doesn't work out. Right. And you're just like, Oh, well not, not my person. Right. It only costs you four months. Not that big of a deal. So like in terms of a lot of people, when they break up with someone like to obsess over like, Oh God, it can't be all this time I wasted. You didn't waste that much time. Listen, it's not a perfect thing. Yeah. It costs four months, but I wouldn't beat yourself up over that. You were also excited because like you said, a couple of times you, you felt like, uh, he could have been your person and he's not. Right. And this is someone, like you said, just bad luck. Right. You you react to words. He's good with his words, especially early on. He's good at saying the right things. And he elicited an emotional response from you. Right. And now looking back, you feel lied to or or manipulated i wouldn't beat yourself up over it right you i don't think you necessarily did anything wrong you hopefully got some good

sex early on you had some fun times um but the feeling you know played or wronged like yeah technically but it's just not going to do you much good trying to justify it. Yeah. You know? Yeah. He didn't pan out, right? And so try not to beat yourself up over what he used to do or that you thought you found it.

Yeah. Like what did he do that was so special? Let me ask you this. What did he do that was so special that you don't think you could find with someone else? I don't think it was a thing that he did. It was just a feeling. Like, I just. Listen, he did do stuff, right?

Because, you know, like we respond to people's actions. We talk about, like, love languages and how people show love or how we receive love. You obviously, I'm sure, were physically attracted to him to a's actions. We talk about like love languages and how people show love or how we receive love. You obviously, I'm sure we're physically attracted to them to a certain extent, but there were tangible things that he said or things about him that you liked. It wasn't just like, I can't explain it. I don't find him attractive. He says all the wrong things and I'm still attracted to him. That's not it. Right. There were actual things that every time he said or did something, you were like, Ooh, i've never had a guy do this before right yeah yeah but are any of those things individually like you don't think you could find with someone else even though it felt

like something new i don't think so i think no i don't think so and i guess maybe like the second part of me now like having it's been a few weeks now that I've kind of been able to like sit back and think about things. And I think I was just so fooled by everything. And I don't, deep down, I don't think he actually really did care. I think he kind of to your point about self-diagnosing people. diagnosing people. I think he did have some sort of narcissistic traits going on. I would never diagnose him as a narcissist and dealing with that. But like, I do think that he- He's selfish. Really, like, he used me to make him feel better about himself, I think. He had this girl who is successful and I guess someone who could care about him, like make him feel like the greatest thing in the world, I guess. Here's what probably happened. That's the thing.

Here's what probably happened, right? He got out of a relationship recently that he probably wasn't even over that relationship. He met you, thought you were pretty great, was attracted to you. And maybe you showed him things that he felt he was lacking his last relationship and unfortunately for you he's at best case scenario just immature enough to kind of indirectly use you rush things you know thinking that having you in his life would help him help him get over the past relationship only to realize that maybe he wasn't as excited about you as he thought or maybe he just realized he had too much going on

with the past relationship to really process it. And instead of just being upfront and honest, was a dick about it, right? Like, you know, yelled at you for stupid things or even sounded controlling or is controlling controlling listen i i think going forward because we're always like well what can we learn from this i think yeah this is unfortunately this might not be the answer you want it just costed you four months it fucked you up a little bit but like no real damage was done you know and i think the important thing is for you is to not let this experience harden your

shell, so to speak, or make you more cynical or make you more guarded. Listen, next time you meet a guy, you get really excited and you find yourself feeling like you're playing house the first two weeks. I don't care who he is and I don't care if he is your guy. You're taking a risk. You just don't know a lot about someone. So if you start playing house in the first month, you run the risk of feeling like you're moving things faster than they should. And whether it works out or it doesn't, that's just a coin flip. You know what

I'm saying? Like, you know, for the people that did work out for, they're going to be like, well, I knew, I always knew, but there's so many more people who say they knew like yourself, only realize it's not what they thought. So a lot of people who are prognosticators, when they get something right, they're always like, I got it right, and they're really loud about it. And all the things they get wrong, they just sweep under the rug. They're just like, well, that's just what I heard or something like that. So for you, I think you just have to chalk it up as, hey, listen, I played house.

I got a little excited about someone. It was kind of wrong person, wrong time. But this shit happens and it's not the end of the world. And you should go out with the same sort of excitement and openness to meeting new people. And the only thing that maybe you could criticize yourself that you did wrong is you assume that this person was your person within three weeks, knowing that I don't care who you are. There's you only can get so much information. Yeah. Right. Like, yeah. And next time maybe meet someone who says the right things or says things that make you feel good. There should still be able to slow things down all while expressing themselves.

And sincerity might come from someone who says, wow, I'm nervous because I feel like I really like you, but that does make me nervous because I recognize how fast this is going. When people acknowledge the sillinessness of how they feel is a good barometer of like knowing that they're just kind of checking in and they're not just love bombing you and they're not just saying it

just because it feels good, right? They show some self-awareness of like, I know this sounds crazy. I know we're taking it fast and I know we might learn more about each other, but like I am really excited and I want to show my excitement by having you come over. Is it crazy if we hang out three days in a row?

You know, stuff like this checking in I think is a good sign of like someone who recognizes that, you know, this is crazy, but Hey, let's just go with it. Well,

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That is E-C-H-E-L-O-N, fit.com, slash V-I-A-L-L. Right now, you can try Echelon Fit equipment at home for 30 days. But my point is like that's just something you can learn in the future. So like next time it happens, if someone, when you bring up like, wow, this is crazy. I like you and I'm glad this is going fast, but like does make me nervous. It's a good sign when they kind of acknowledge like, yeah, it makes me nervous too, but I do like you and that's a good, let's, let's check in, you know? Yeah. It's good to check

in when you're dating someone early on and saying, how's it going? Did I, you know, and acknowledge that like something you did or didn't like, and then him have a conversation about like not indulging your check-in, noting it and he wanted to dismiss it yeah that makes sense so in terms of getting over this guy stop thinking about what you liked what you liked was temporary it was a bit superficial it was a projection of his past relationship it wasn't as real as you wanted to believe and instead of feeling foolish and silly and let your ego get the best of you just to chalk it up is like it's fucking dating it happens yeah it might happen again it's it's totally like it cost you four months it's not the end of the world yeah that's why i was like i just don't want it

to happen again and i i hope that i don't put my guard up the next time i meet someone where i feel like you know it could be a strong relationship next time you find yourself playing house with someone and i mean like if you're sleeping over multiple times in the first week and you're not able to like check in and have like an adult conversation about the choices you guys are making then that's a red flag and that's the way you can avoid it in the future you know and if he and if he doesn't want to acknowledge it, then you have to make the determination like, I can like this guy and want to sleep over.

It doesn't mean you have to. Yeah. You can be just as excited about someone and want to do the things and still hold back and that be just as exciting as indulging in the things that you want to do. Right. All right. Okay. All okay all right you're gonna be fine uh keep your head up don't uh i wouldn't change anything just uh just be mindful of little things next time you get really excited about someone okay well thank you all

right best of luck thanks all right bye-bye how's it going? Hi, my name is Jenna and I'm 22 years old. I am calling you because I have a question regarding a situation going on with my ex right now. Okay. So just a little bit of backstory for you. Um, so I met my ex at work last year and I was in a three yearlong toxic relationship while I met him. He pretty much convinced me not to be in this relationship. So you were in a relationship with someone else? Yeah. So when I started my new job, I was in a three-year relationship with someone else and me and this guy, we hit it off right away. He basically was like,

you need to get away from your ex. He's he's not the right guy for you okay um so at this time my recent ex he was married they're separated and he is not legally divorced so you know they don't live together anymore they haven't signed the papers they don't really have plans on signing any of the papers, which I thought was kind of already a red flag. And he has two little kids. So I basically leave my three year long relationship to pursue this guy from work because we had such a strong connection and hit off right away. I'm like, why am I not gonna, why am I going to stay in this toxic relationship when I have this guy who clearly wants me and I'm interested in him so I leave the three-year-long relationship for this guy from work and he told me that we can't have a public relationship because of work he could have been

fired so we pretty much live in secret for about eight months um how did you how did you feel about that when you said that did you agree disagree well yeah i did have to agree because our company well i don't work there anymore but when i was working there our company has a policy you're not allowed to date anyone in the office they're just very strict on that So I knew I didn't want to risk getting him fired. And I was new there. So so our company starts working remote. So I'm starting to see him our relationship got serious very fast. We were so passionate and like got along so well, always laughing. So I basically was living at his house. During quarantine, we would work together in the mornings, then he would leave and go see his kids. I'd come back at his house at night after he had the kids. He saw his kids about four times a week, but he

always made time to see me. So after about, I'd say like seven months into the relationship, he tells me that I'm causing him too much stress and that he's scared to go back to work and balancing me, his kids and our job. So he tells me he wants to take a little bit of a break. And I agree to it. Oh, sorry, he is 10 years older than me. So he's about 32. So we take a break. And he's telling me he's loving his alone time so much that he only now wants to see me once a week, like one to two times a week. Meanwhile, before this, we were hanging out almost every day. So my heart was like broken when he told me that. So we start to try to see each other less, because I didn't want to keep causing him stress

and being so needy. And it was just not working for me, I would go home. I'd just constantly be sitting at my phone, waiting for him to text me, waiting for next Tuesday to come around so I could see him again. So we went from hanging out once a week to once like every other week. I'm like, this isn't a relationship. I'm not happy. So we got in a big fight about this around three months ago. And he just told me that he was actually felt like he was stringing me along because he didn't have any plans to finalize his divorce with his wife. He doesn't want to get back together with her, but he doesn't want to deal with all the legal paperwork and all the payments.

And he said he never wants to get married again. And he doesn't ever want to live with anyone ever again, even like a significant other. He doesn't want to have any more kids. So he told me, hey, there's no future here. I don't want to live with anyone ever again, even like a significant other. He doesn't want to have any more kids. So he told me, Hey, there's no future here. I don't want to waste your time. We have to end this. And I basically was like, no, like I can change his mind. And I just felt like, you know, I know, I know him. I know how great our relationship is when we're together. It's like, there's just immediate sparks. Um, so I pretty much just begged him, which I know is never

a good thing but I just begged him to like try to be in his life and he pretty much just agreed to us like hanging out casually as friends so since we broke up three months ago we have been seeing each other as friends with benefits a few times a month and it's always me initiating it so I just would text him like hey want to hang out and we would spend you know a few times a month and it's always me initiating it. So I just would text him like, hey, want to hang out? And we would spend, you know, a few hours together, just watching a movie, getting food, cuddling on his couch, hooking up. Then I would leave and go home. And I just literally sit around my phone waiting for him to text me, waiting for the next time

I could see him. And I know it's extremely unhealthy, but I just feel like in my head I keep thinking oh maybe there's a chance I can change his mind that he'll want to be with me he'll see if we keep hanging out as friends with benefits he'll see the value in me but he's told me he told me last week that there's no chance of us getting back together so it's like I don't know I just don't want to ruin us I like you don't want to ruin us. I like, you don't want to ruin us. There is no us. feels like to me like it makes me happy i guess in that moment it makes me feel like okay and as soon as i leave that moment i just get very bad anxiety and it's like i'm constantly waiting to see him again yeah i mean this is you know like a classic analogy of the sour patch kid or just

a toxic relationship you have a history of being in toxic relationships at least you mentioned that your first boyfriend was so like you have started this pattern of putting up with shitty situations and it sounds like you're someone who has a hard time walking away from a toxic situation without options you're afraid of being alone you're worried about being he's the needy one to be totally frank i mean in terms of like uh you're worried about being he's the needy one to be totally frank i mean in terms of like he has these specific needs he needs this he needs that he needs you to not tell someone your only need is to see him so you're not needy he's you know projecting that on you just to point that out but what you're having a hard time like he's you know what he is there's a good chance i don't know this for sure but what he is a good chance is he's afraid to disappoint you because he's afraid of you somehow outing him

and having it as affect his job and he is trying to end it with you make no mistake he would be totally fine if you never talked again yeah best case scenario he gets bored and and maybe hits you up for a little bit of sex. But he really wouldn't give a shit if he if you dropped off the face of the earth. I hate to break your heart. I know that might hurt, but I feel like you need to hear it because you're having a hard time. You've said and in like three minutes, you you you say things like, I know this sucks, but I know I'm upset. But I, you know, like you're not happy. You're,

you're unhappy 95% of the time with this guy and you're obsessing over the quick fixes and the short-term gratification that he's providing to you. Mostly because you have no other options. You don't like being alone. You're not used to being alone. You haven't, you went from one relationship to another, like a monkey swinging from a vine and this is going to require you to be emotionally mature and have the the courage on your own and find the inner strength to end this because he's not going to on his own he wants to so like as soon as you give him permission to leave and you make him feel safe he'll be totally fine he'll leave and the only time you'll ever hear'll be totally fine. He'll leave. And the only time you'll ever hear from him is when he's bored. But it's going to require you to have the self-strength

to think you deserve better, be okay with being alone, go through periods of discomfort and loneliness and missing him and missing the sex or missing whatever it is that the short-term fix is for you to get over this i definitely agree on that and i agree that also he obviously doesn't want to keep pursuing me and he told me that i saw him a few days ago um just because i just wanted to talk to him about everything and he told me like he wants to be mature about this and he doesn't want to keep leading me on thinking just because we're having sex that there's a chance like he knows it's not helping me he's afraid of disappointing you and and to some degree i understand why because he has told you this and you're just like you're as you said

you're literally begging and quite frankly it's not necessarily normal for someone to say i don't want to be with you and you completely ignore that and just literally beg and just to like, I don't care. I don't like you're, you're more afraid of being alone than being with someone, you know, deep down doesn't necessarily even want to be with you. It's like when we were hanging out as friends with benefits, like, and we acted kind of like we were dating, like when we were going out to dinner and like watching a movie. So it's people say all the time, like, well, we act like we were dating. It's not hard for people to act like they're dating. It's not hard to watch movies with people. It's not hard to have dinner with company. It's not hard to necessarily laugh or take walks or do activities.

What is like, what is acting like we're dating? It's hanging out with someone while sex is on the table that's it and quite frankly people can do that very easily you know like you're what you're trying to do is validate your irrational behavior your behavior is irrational right like though and that and that's like, it's fine. We've all been there. I've been there. No judgment. Like we've all had these moments of weakness, but right now, when it comes to this guy, your behavior is irrational. You are putting up with behavior. You shouldn't put up with, you're not in any way giving the things that you need to be happy and fulfilled in your life. Any validation, all you are trying to validate is not being alone. It's the only thing that you're really trying to protect is just not be alone and getting

short-term gratification and all your other things that you should be prioritizing are taking a backseat. Yeah, I definitely agree. And it's also like, even from right when he told me that he didn't want to ever live with me and he didn't ever want to get married. It's like, obviously, those are things I want. I'm only 22 years old. I do want to get married. And, you know, five, six years from now, I do want to have kids. So it's like, why was I grasping onto the idea of him changing?

I'm just honestly, I'm scared. I'm not sure. Yeah. And I've tried to move on. I've downloaded some dating apps. I went on some dates and I've hooked up with a couple of people, but it's just like every time I go out on a date or something, I just constantly am comparing them to him.

I'm like, he doesn't look nearly as attractive as my ex, and he doesn't make me laugh like my ex. So it's very hard for me to like try and even date right now. Yeah. So maybe don't date right now. Yeah. Just because you want to move on doesn't mean it's going to happen when you want it. Just because you have the record and just because you recognize that a situation isn't good for you doesn't mean that when you start making changes, it's going to immediately feel better. Some things take time and you're going to have to go through a period of discomfort, right? Yes. If you got really lucky, you might meet someone who you are more physically attracted to, who makes you like, who helps you get your

mind off of this guy. But that doesn't necessarily happen right away. And just because you go on five dates doesn't mean it's not going to happen. It just means that five guys aren't aren't aren't more desirable to you than this one guy. That's it's not. Yeah, that's that's not a lot. A lot of information to go on. But right now, I think you just need to like be on be uncomfortable. Like right now, you're uncomfortable obsessing over this guy. Why don't you just be uncomfortable by like showing some self-restraint you know and and going through a healthy approach to be uncomfortable rather than kind of masking things and avoiding things and just be alone for a while so do you think that i should just completely cut well i know you're gonna say yes, but cut all tags. Yes. And just not text away. It's just so hard pretending someone just doesn't exist now. I don't know. Well, he does exist.

You're saying no to it. Stop pretending he doesn't exist. You're just. I know. But just never being able to text him again and never be able to see him again. It's like, it's really hard for me mentally. Can I say something? Can I say something? Just because I was you a year ago, it's really hard for me mentally. Can I say something? Can I say something?

Just because I was you a year ago and it's really hard. It is really hard. And girl to girl, like I totally get it. And it's so hard. And you will be sitting in bed at night being like, where is this person? No one's texting me, whatever. It gets better, number one. But also you need to just be blunt with yourself and just say it as harsh as it sounds, he doesn't like you. He's not going to like you. He's not going to be the

person for you. And once you understand that, it helps so much to remember he doesn't like you. If he liked you, he would make you feel better and be there every night. I'm not saying he's completely innocent in this. I think he's a bit of a coward. You know, he got himself. It's fine that you gays dated. You guys broke some work rules. And I appreciate why he might be afraid of that. Nevertheless, this is way more on you and your decisions you've made and your constant insistence on making excuses for your actions solely based off of fear. If I talked to you a year from now and you're like, I haven't dated anyone, I'd probably say that's a good thing. I mean, it sounds like you have a real fear and that's a real problem for you because it's going to cause you to get in some potentially toxic relationships again until you address that fear.

Yeah. I would take it seriously. I wouldn't take it for, I wouldn't. I definitely learned from the last two relationships i think i think i think you have i think you have some more growth in that department i definitely kind of just settle for the ones who like me and i'm just like oh you like me well now i like you back and i'll make you know and then i just fall in love with them and then i become a little too attached. And it's really hard for me to emotionally detach unless I have a backup person, which is a terrible thing to say. But I would have never gotten out of the three-year toxic relationship if it wasn't for meeting that guy at work.

And that's very sad. Well, it's good for you to recognize. I would, I think, be hard on yourself yourself but also take it easy on yourself i will thank you all right take care bye bye how's it going going well thank you what's your name my name is l how old are you i'm 31 how can i help so i have been in a pretty serious relationship for the past three years. And I think it's, you know, we're at a crossroads where I think I have to decide whether it's kind of we take it to the next step, which is marriage for me, or we kind of end things. And so kind of end things or end things and things okay some people kind of add things for like two years so i just want to be clear

for sure all right and why are you at a crossroad i mean other than it's been three years what i think on paper we we match fairly well um and know, as I said in my email, I think he has, you know, these great qualities that I think is really hard to come by these days. But there's just something missing, I think. And there's, I just can't get there. And this guy's, he's ready to ask the question any day, any moment, as long as I say yes.

But I somehow can't meet him there. And I don't know how to figure that out. Well, maybe there's nothing to figure out. Maybe, you know. Sometimes it's that simple. I don't put much stock in how people are on paper. If you've listened to this podcast, it doesn't really mean anything you're list building it all sounds nice and and you need to have uh the intangible you know the thing that you say you're missing is a big deal that what that that it factor that

desire to have him listen uh if you if you feel like you're missing something from him in the relationship now it's not gonna get any better yeah i just feel like i can't walk away without knowing what that it is like i can't could i just leave this why are you with him i mean he's nice right he wants to get married have kids yeah um he's not a dick no you know but what what do you think you'd want more of? Um, I mean, we've had several conversations about me not being at that spot where he is. And a lot of it, I guess, comes down to kind of our goals and ambitions or ambitions.

Like what? Like I, so, I mean, I always envisioned myself with someone with that's very much different than this person. Right. But I thought I would give it a go. And then recognizing that, like, you know, kind of like for on his end, he's really, really low key, very kind of like go with the flow, really not that ambitious. And I wonder if that's something that I can be okay with or not. Yeah, that's one of the main things. Also, we live across country, so that's difficult. So this is a long-distance relationship that's been going on for three years? Yes. So at no point did you guys ever live in the same city?

Never. Have you discussed the possibility of that changing yeah yeah yeah i mean he has he has family near how often do you guys see each other um we pre-pandemic we saw each other once every three three months that was our cap um and then we'd spend like a week or two together yeah but post pandemic or or while in pandemic we've seen each other once or twice i think so you've seen him twice tops in the past nine months yeah okay well that's tough. Yeah. Yeah, very much. So this, but yet you think it's possible he could ask you to get married. It sounds like you feel like if you gave him the green light, he'd ask you to marry him. He'd ask you to marry him. Yeah.

And like in any day. Yeah. And yet you still have had no real concrete discussions about living in the same city. Well, we have um but i i would make the move if i thought that this is it but i'm just not sure and he's he's okay with like his his the career that he's in can allow him to go wherever but so wait so you're not even sure if you could move or he would move it's not since don't know okay well i mean i yeah it sounds like there's you don't have a for someone you've dated three years it sounds like you've been dating for three months

you know it's not uncommon to start a long distance relationship early in a relationship and give it a good six to 12 months and then realize that if you really want to keep it going, someone or both of you are going to have to figure out how to see more of each other. You're going like the opposite direction. Right. And it's three months into a relationship and you're thinking we could get engaged maybe if I was okay with it. And yet there's so much you don't know about what that life looks like. I mean, shit, I would, I would have anxiety too. And then that's not even, we're not even getting into the fact that you might just not be attracted to his work ethic, which is something that matters. That's a big part like

of a relationship. If that people can be attracted to someone's drive and motivation right or or they could appreciate the fact that like his kind of easygoing low kind of maintenance mindset can be really appealing to others you know they're like i don't know i don't need my guy or girl to be all that motivated he makes money money. He has a job. He's not a total waste or he or she or he or she's on a total waste of space. I got my career. It's fine. I don't really care. But you know what I do love? I love that they're just fucking easy and great to be around. So it depends on the person. But that does. I'm just saying it does matter. It's not enough. You know, we sometimes dismiss those things of like things that we will hopefully get over and but you're not wrong to not find that attractive right but you you know it's not not going to change and

you know it's been three years so what's going to make you decide whether you can get over that or not i don't know and you're certainly not spending enough time with them to figure it out yeah why are you still with the guy? What are you getting out of this relationship? Knowing that neither of you have really gone out of your way. I mean, I understand it's COVID and it's not necessarily safe to travel or whatnot, but people have flown and things like that. And, you know, again, pandemic, I get it.

But like sometimes people make sacrifices for relationships. Again, it sounds like you're operating in a very much unknown about this relationship. You should have a lot more information about that. Fair to say. Oh yeah, for sure. I think I've found myself pulling back a little bit. And there have been times where like, I, I guess I have like tried to break things off.

So I think if I'm being honest, the companionship and the fear of maybe like having to start this all over again is probably on my mind quite a bit. Yeah. Okay. Well, and you, you sound so obviously stressed and exhausted about that truth, but I mean, it is what it is, but all you're doing right now is it's wasting more time and find it ironic that you're so worried about, it is what it is, but all you're doing right now is just wasting more time and find it ironic that you're so worried about, it's like, Oh, I'm 31 and hot starting over. But this is what it is. And in the meantime, you like, you're, you're still aware of like, you know, the,

the path you need to walk and yet you're like sitting at the starting line and refusing to start. You're just like sitting at the starting line and refusing to start you're just like hanging out yeah you know like you know you're going in the wrong direction but yet you're still going in the wrong direction yeah you know the longer you wait to make a decision the further you are away from your goal you know look at it that way instead of being like oh god i just i don't know if i want to do this but like every every day you wait, it's going to make it, you know, you're, you're wasting time and you're wasting his time and it's not fair to him. And it's not fair to yourself or each other and free yourself up, get back on those apps, start meeting people, you know, see what else is out there, you know, and, and if you want someone

who's a little bit more career oriented and, and a little bit more focused and a little bit more motivated, you know, obviously prioritize that. And when you're selecting your next partner, you know, the only thing you want to be careful about is like not having that, you know, over overcompensating for something you were missing, you know, right. They're motivated, but they're like fucking assholes. Like, you know, but, but, you know, just recognize that in your next relationship. But it sounds like, you know, what you want to do and it sounds like maybe this relationship has come to an end. I mean, when know, but, but, you know, just recognize that in your next relationship, but it sounds like, you know, what you want to do. And it sounds like maybe this relationship

has come to an end. I mean, when you see yourself, when you see the relationship, when you look at the relationship, you know, from a 360 or kind of take yourself outside of it, it's pretty clear hearing you talk, it's going the wrong direction. And when it's going the wrong direction, it's maybe time to end it yeah yeah that's fair i i need to hear the cold hard truth so all right thank you it's okay but uh yeah walk this new path and stop going down the wrong one because you're you're getting more and more um for you're getting further and further away from what you ultimately want so yeah you're right you should feel excited that you've come to this realization and motivated further and further away from what you ultimately want.

Yeah, you're right. Thank you. You should feel excited that you've come to this realization and motivated and ready to go. Thank God. Don't you find it like you ever get lost and you're just like you miss a turn and then you're like, oh my God, if only I would have noticed 20 miles ago I was going in the wrong direction. Yeah. It is what it is. But I know it's going to be sad you'll be you know but um and this is what you really want i think the the best thing to do is start let's turn around and start it as soon as possible yeah yeah you're right all right well best of luck thank you all right take care how's it going hey nick I'm Claire. I'm 26 years old and I'm

from Encino, California. Awesome. How can I help? So I want to tell you about this relationship I've had with this person. And then I want to get your take on our most recent conversation and how to proceed. So I met this guy on a plane and I was coming back from Ohio from a wedding out there and he was coming back from school. It was at the beginning of the shutdown. So his school was going on pause for COVID. And we went on like three in-person dates and texted constantly for about over the span of about like two months. And then we like mutually called it off because um he was going through something personally and and basically like he couldn't make the time to see me he said he was too busy so we stopped and there was no contact for about like a little over a month and then he started texting me again like very friendly telling me that he just got back to school in Ohio.

But before that, it wasn't like it phased out. There was a definitive like, hey, we should stop talking. Yeah, it was like a mutual. Yeah, because like two weeks had gone by and I hadn't seen him in person. And I was like, I like I'm struggling, like I need to see you. And then he just said like, well, yeah, because. Well, no. So he was working a lot in construction in construction so he had like early long days and then he was going through something personally um like a health struggle that he was dealing with and um yeah he just said he was he

was too busy i think i was just like low priority and he just didn't have time for me. There you go. Exactly. So then he reached out in summer and we texted here and there. Then after a couple months over summer, like in August, he said that he had met somebody else and he was seeing them. It was getting kind of serious. And so he didn't want to text me anymore. He offered this information without you asking or.

Right. He just like reached out and said, Hey, Claire. Well, yeah. Yeah. Cause yeah. Well, we were like texting like on and off for a couple months. And like, I think what prompted him to say that was like, I was actually like vulnerable for the first time and told him I missed him. Gotcha then he was like, Oh, okay. By the way. Yeah. So then I, it was like no contact for, you know, up until last week recently. Um, he did like text me in October

and I completely ignored it. And he like, has been commenting on my photos on like Instagram, but so he's been breadcrumbing, but I like completely didn't even reach out or say anything. And then I actually, he like commented on my photo like last week. And this is what I want your advice on is because like, I responded and we we went back and forth like very like friendly small talk and then it like got serious when he said that like he was thinking about me he still has feelings for me um he asked me if I had feelings for him I said I'm like not interested anymore and then he said well is this is this the part of the conversation that I have yeah so that's the conversation when he reached out last week and basically he's just so it's just for context

because i have the messages and we can go ahead and read them and we can all just figure it out together but like so when he sent you this first message the the first message and it's him do you think of me often? Was that out of nowhere? Well, we were, yeah. So is that the beginning of the conversation or was that the middle? So we had prior to that, there was like friendly small talk. Like he commented on my photo and then it was just like, how are you doing? How was your Christmas?

Gotcha. We were going back and forth, kind of just like joking about things. I don't know. We were just kind of joking around and then it was just like, can I ask you something? And I was like, sure. And then he asked me, yeah, he asked me if I'm thinking about him. So he writes, do you think about me often? And you write, you cross my mind. Yeah. But after everything that happened, I've lost all my interest. What about you? I appreciate the honesty. Good for you. Um, Oh yeah, absolutely. More than you think. I don't understand that. Was that confusing to you as it was for me?

Well, so he said like, do you think about me often? I said, you know, you crossed my mind, but like I've lost all my interest. And I said, what about you? And he said, Oh yeah, absolutely. More than you think. Like he thinks about me a lot. Gotcha. And then i was like well yeah i got it here so you're right well you flat out rejected me for someone else so hearing that is really confusing for me i appreciate your honesty here i like your uh it's not i'll be honest with you though it's not really honest well like so you were saying you did you haven't said goodbye to him in your mind but you you were playing hard to get is what you're saying i don't even know because like

so you haven't lost all your interest what's what's right the lie is that i still have feelings for him and um why okay i mean why did you say you've lost all interest because I feel like in my I mean that's like yeah because I just feel like in my gut like I like I really am like serious when it comes to dating like I want to settle down and like I don't know I just I like even though I have feelings for him and and I I want to see him, it's like, because of the distance and because he's not willing to, it's so it's like, I'm not interested because I have feelings, but I'm not interested because I, I want somebody who's like serious about me.

Having feelings and not interested or can be two different things. Exactly. Um, all right. So you write, well, you flat out rejected me for someone else. So hearing that is really confusing for me. He writes, it wasn't a flat out rejection or reject. It wasn't a flat out reject. I was honestly, it was honestly something that happened and I'm not the type to talk to multiple girls at once. My feelings for you just don't magically

go away, but I know that it is confusing to hear about, to hear, but is the truth. And I'm sorry for that. You said he flat out rejected you for someone else. You went, began talking about you met, he had a personal thing going on.

It sounds like you guys kind of lost touch and then you reconnected and he was then dating someone else. Yeah. We were both single at the time and everything. So it's not, not to, not to take his side or anything but it's not as if he actually chose her over you it's that she popped into his life while you guys weren't really talking and then when things got you know when you express an interest in him he was honest about the fact that he actually was pursuing something romantic

with someone else, which hurt your, which hurt your feelings, but isn't necessarily choosing you over. I mean, I was basically saying like, I was kind of throwing myself at him saying like, I miss you.

Like, can't wait till you get home. And he like was like, Oh, I'm seeing somebody else. So yeah, I mean, I know how it felt. i know how it felt i know

how it felt but keep in mind that's not what it was like you just you felt silly right you were expressing yourself and putting yourself out there with not all the information you probably wouldn't have done that had you known he was dating someone you didn't know and then when you said that he was like oh by the way and you felt embarrassed and silly uh yeah probably a little angry but it still doesn't mean he chose someone else over i know he was being upfront and honest i know then it switched to text message is this how how quickly does it convert did you guys i just said can i text you and gotcha switch to texting so then you're right hey i understand we uh where you're coming from i just

liked you and i couldn't uh even entertain the idea of dating someone else when i said i missed you i really meant it i i was ready to jump on a plane to come to see you you were saying uh you missed me but then you let me go the next day so So wait, he said he missed you before he told you he was dating someone else? Yeah, like literally the day before. I said I miss you, he said I miss you too. Yeah. So you're saying now that you still think about me and everything, but what are you going to do about it?

You say all these words, but there's never any action behind it. What's holding you back? He writes, I am stuck here until at least the end of September. I don't know what I can even do. And I really mean meant it when I say I do miss you too. You write, when you get back to LA after the program, what's your plan?

Like, where are you going to apply? And when are you going to move out? Where are you going to move to? He writes, as of right now, find a job and work and save up, and then I plan on moving to Wyoming or Utah or Idaho or Montana or Colorado or somewhere like that, wherever is best fit. So literally not L.A. Right.

Like somewhere more rural, right? It sounds like he's long term yeah on the on the chrissy plan yeah uh so you're right when you get back uh you're going to be looking for a job around lake something you know and living at home and working for a couple years so is his family from la yeah he lives with his family. Where is he now? Oh no. Right now he's in Ohio at school and he has nine more months. And then after school in September, he's going to come back to his, to live in with his family for a couple of years. He's like, yeah, that's the plan. Is it right now? Okay. This is just a lot for me to take in. He writes, I know. And I'm sorry. I know you're over me and I don't want to complicate things at all.

I really don't want to let you down again. How about, he writes, if it's okay with you, he asks. We talk every now and then and then see what happens. And if you want me to leave you alone, I 100% understand that too. It's whatever you want. I'm headed to bed. I have an early long day tomorrow, he writes. Seriously, take your time and do whatever's best for you.

Thanks, you write. I'm going to think about it. I'll text you soon. So the next day or some other day, is it the next day? It's like two days later. Two days later, you write. Hey, so I'm not sure what you mean by every now and then. Not to be a smartass, but it took you two days to be confused.

I was confused right away. Like, what are your intentions? I don't know if you want to talk to keep in touch as friends or start building a relationship again. He writes, I would assume to start off as friends again and then see if it feels right. I don't want to force anything. And then I don't want to do anything or is unsure or that either of us are unsure of.

He wrote, all right, that sounds good to me. Okay, it does? It sounded good? Yeah. Okay. It does. It sounded good. Yeah. Sounds all very vague. It's real. You guys are making a plan without making a plan. Well, what's vague about it? What did I mean? Well, yeah, the plan is we'll see. That's your plan. Right. Which is not a plan. You guys agree to not, you know, I promise you won't hurt my feelings if you don't want to talk to me. I'm also really busy with work and school and doing clinical time at the hospital right now.

So, you know, so he's already backtracking. Yeah. He's already, you know, I'm certain you cross my mind a little often too i know you've got a lot on your plate hope to talk soon we will talk soon thank you all right that's the end where are things and what was when was that when was that conversation that was on i think thursday last week and then he literally just like 20 minutes ago he texted me hi how was your new years okay well listen he's just looking for a pen pal right he's he got a lot going on he just He literally just like 20 minutes ago, he texted me, hi, how was your New Year's? Okay. Well, listen, he's just looking for a pen pal, right?

He's got a lot going on. This guy has no idea what he wants. Certainly, he's not sure if he wants you or a girlfriend. He's sensitive to your feelings, right? He wants to be a nice guy, but he's also at a very selfish point in his life right now, which is fine. But he's kind of doing this classic case that we often sometimes do is try to have a cake and eat it too. Right. And so he's just like, are you sure? Like in his perfect world, what he wants is to have you in his life at his convenience. Right.

He wants to be able to talk to you when he wants to talk to someone, right? Sounds like he feels comfortable with you. Sounds like maybe you might be someone he can bounce ideas off or talk about his day. And he wants to be able to do that without committing to a relationship and making sacrifices or promising you things or disappointing you, all things that play a role in a relationship. And when you commit to someone and you make sacrifices, there's a chance of disappointing them. And then if you do,

you decide whether like how you're going to fix that. And you, you make decisions as a couple. He doesn't want to do any of that. He wants to make decisions for himself. Yeah. But do you think like, I'm okay with him wanting the attention convenience cause that's all he can give right now. But do you think he has any intention? He has no idea my gut usually in most cases i don't know him but in most cases it's not going to end well for you you're going to get hurt you are going to get disappointed you

like him and if he picked up the phone today and said hey listen claire i want to be with you and i i i don't have all the answers of how we're going to make it work, but what I do know is that I want to make it work with you. And I want to figure it out as two people who are committed to making a relationship work. I'm willing to make sacrifices to make that relationship work, and we'll figure it out. We'll figure it out.

He's not saying that, and that's what you want him to say because if he said that you would probably say all those you would be like great so you're saying like if he really liked me he would be willing to put in the effort no matter how much is on his plate to a certain degree yeah yeah and he doesn't know what he wants he doesn't know he doesn't yeah i want to move to wyoming idaho Colorado, Utah, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Iowa. He doesn't fucking know what he wants. He has some vague idea of what he wants. You know?

How old is he? He's in school? He's 24. He's going to be 25 soon. So, yeah. I mean, he's relatively young, right? He thinks you're nice and he likes being around you. And he probably says things like

she's the type of girl i could see myself with these are all nice things that are fairly meaningless in the long run and he is not willing to kind of go out of his way i mean that's that's fair though because i mean when i was going through school and working and everything like i was i was selfish too but i just wonder like but you don't want to be, you want to, like I think you're not being honest with yourself and you're making excuses for him in this relationship because you like him and you want him in your life, right?

But something in your gut is telling you that he's going to hurt you, right? Because he's noncommittal and he's going through a selfish period in his life. And what he's not is right now, mature enough or self-aware to just leave you alone because he knows he doesn't. And he, what he's not is right now, mature enough or self-aware to just leave you alone because he knows he doesn't know that he, because you say you like him.

He wants the best of both worlds. Yes. And now you're making excuses for him rather than just walking away. Well, yeah, because I mean, do you think I'm, I'm making the right decision by, because it's true that we only went on like three dates before so do you think that he really just needs to know if he like if he actually likes me as a person and is like needs to talk to me as a friend to figure that out no no really yeah well how much how much time do you need to really spend with someone it sounds like you've had plenty of communication with this guy to know that you're interested and excited to know more. He's not excited and he's kind of interested.

He doesn't even really want to know more. He just wants you around to talk to when he's feeling lonely and bored. Okay. It's been five years. Yeah. He's looking for a pen pal. He's looking for a friend. I mean, that's looking for a pen pal he's looking for a friend i mean that's fine like given the situation that he's in and everything it's not fine because that's

not what you want it's fine for him like see you're confusing deciding whether he's a piece of shit or like a reasonable guy or your guy you know what i'm saying i'm not saying he's a bad guy i'm saying he he doesn't want what you want and now you're trying to make excuses for him because you're afraid to just let him go and now you're trying to find reasons to justify his actions i'm not saying he's a bad guy and it's getting to the point where this is becoming your fault not his i mean he's giving you all these outs he's like it's really it's fine it's fine he like he's made it very clear he does not want at any point in the future if you guys keep hanging out to ever you have you throw it in his face again that you he hurt you

that's his biggest priority right and he's made it clear that he would rather you guys not talk than you accuse him of hurting you at any point and if you promise not to accuse him of hurting you then he is okay with talking to you. That's, that's what he's trying to say. And he probably wouldn't admit that, but that's his biggest priority. His biggest priority is not getting to know you and seeing if there's

something there, there, his biggest priority is not being accused of being a bad guy. And if you're willing to make that promise to him, then he's okay with talking to you. Yeah. Cause I'm just afraid, like I,

I really want to like get out there this year and like date around and, and I'm, I'm just afraid that like, because these last like four or five months, I haven't been able to get them out of my brain. So like when I start dating other people, he's like, like, if I don't take them up on this, I feel like I'm always going to be thinking about like the, what if, and he's always going to be in the back i mean like what if he what if he comes back from la and i'll in september and and genuinely like then makes the effort and like and it works out you know what if you go on a dating app tomorrow and you find something 10 times better i mean you're dealing with a very vague what if your

your what if is literally anything i mean you know what if you have no reason to think that's going to happen like all the information you have doesn't say that that's what's going to happen he's giving you a lot of information to make it very clear that he doesn't know what he wants and that him changing his mind and and having you all of a sudden being priority is as likely as again like literally anyone else that you don't know yet doing the same thing in fact it's more likely that a stranger you don't know is going to do that than this guy so you don't think i should try to like work with him and like i don't know just talk to him as a friend and like see if it goes you don't want to be his

friend stop you know stop trying to be friends with someone you don't want to be friends with you want to date him it's okay to say it's okay to be vulnerable you're torturing yourself you know like you you you can be honest with them and that takes a lot and i give you a lot of credit but like you're being and like you even said you weren't even being honest with them you were like pretending to not like you know so like that directness give it to else. He's he's trying to tell you what he really wants. And you're refusing to listen. You're going down this trap of like saying things that a lot of people do. Oh, he's scared or he's confused.

He's neither of those things. He's a selfish right now. And I'm not saying he's a bad guy. He's at a time in his life that maybe it's best for him to be selfish. When he's not as mature enough to recognize his own selfishness. when he's not as mature enough to recognize his own selfishness and instead of just leaving you alone he is trying to say all these things to make sure that you he like without being very direct he's sugarcoating how he just wants you around at his convenience and i'm okay with that okay i don't think you really are i think what you are is bored and lonely and afraid yeah i don't think you really are. I think what you are is bored and lonely and afraid.

Yeah. I don't think you're actually okay with that. I don't think you will be in six months. And I think you're going to get angry at him and want to accuse him of hurting you. And quite frankly, you're not going to have a right to, I mean, you can do it, but he will, he warned you not to. So, um, I think, I just, I just feel like I can like date other people and meanwhile talk to him as a friend

and then kind of keep him on the back burner. No, you just said that you think about him all the time and he's kind of a reason why you haven't allowed yourself to move on. So you got to be honest with yourself about what this guy is. He's a guy you like who, for whatever reason, doesn't feel the same way about you right now. And that has hurt your feelings in the past and you are torturing yourself, trying to make excuses that things might change. And the best thing you can do is just let it go, move on, and go through a period of grieving and mourning and say goodbye

to him. And take it for what it is. And don't let your ego or whatever it is, it's causing you to try to be good enough for him when you need to focus on finding a guy who's right for you, you know, and good enough for you. Okay. You're trying to be good enough for him. So I'm sorry. I know it's sad, but. That's okay. I just feel like moving on is like, I feel like I have to see it through with him to like be able to mentally move on. Uh, you're probably not going to take my advice, but you're someday you will.

I will. I will. It's very easy for me to cut him off and like move on. So you need to give yourself a little bit more credit and you can do it. It's just going to be a hard for a short period of time. And that's, you know, a couple months but the harder you are on yourself in the short term the easier it will be in the long run okay all right thank you nick no problem appreciate it all right bye-bye wow what a great episode that was awesome thanks for listening guys. Don't forget to tune in to Teddy Mellencamp tonight to recap episode three of The Bachelor.

And on Wednesday, fantastic episode with Dr. Alexander Solomon, professor at Northwestern University who teaches classes like Marriage 101 and one of the most well-respected and world-renowned experts on relationships. So be sure to check that out. We will see you tonight if you're a real fan.