The Viall Files - E227 Ask Nick - Normalize Masturbation

Episode Date: January 25, 2021

Nick is back to answer all of your relationship questions and on todays episode we start off with a question we get a lot when it comes to masturbation. Our first caller is concerned after walking in on her boyfriend masturbating while on vacation when she had just offered him oral sex. Second we speak to a women who is not into communicating on Snapchat with the person she is dating. She is ready to move the conversation from sexting to texting and to get this potential relationship off the ground. After the death of her partner our next caller is struggling with sex and dating. The person she finds the most comfort with sexually is the best friend of her partner that passed and navigating this friends with benefits situation has her confused with all the emotions surrounding it. Lastly we speak with someone who’s politics no longer align with that of her family or where she grew up. Family Facebook political posts have started to strain all of their relationships because of their opposing outlooks.  “Being passive aggressive while calling him weird is not being direct.“ Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Beachbody: Text VIALL to 303030 to get a special FREE trial, no obligation membership.  Dipsea: http://www.dipseastories.com/VIALL for a 30 day free trial  Manly Bands: http://www.manlybands.com/VIALL enter promo code VIALL for 20% off  Proactiv: http://www.proactiv.com/VIALL Subscribe today and you will receive Proactiv’s Hydrating Duo as a FREE GIFT. That includes four Hydrogel Masks AND the Green Tea Moisturizer! Best of all, you get FREE SHIPPING! Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What's going on everybody happy Monday to you all I hope this week is bright and shiny for you a lot of things to be excited about right I hope for you whatever it is there's lot of things to be excited about, right? I hope for you, whatever it is. There's probably definitely something to be excited about. There's a new episode of The Bachelor. Yeah, I mean, that's exciting. Lauren Zima is here to recap The Bachelor with us. You guys know we all love Lauren. I like calling her Chris Harrison.

Chris is her... What would make her? Anyways, she's dating Chris Harrison, if you haven't noticed. She wanted to be called Chris Harrison's lover, wasn't it? Didn't she like the word lover? I said that. I don't know. I actually don't know if she likes it. I almost got to the point where I'm like, is that annoying you?

I don't know. But she is here helping us break down The Bachelors. We'll be dropping that episode tonight, recapping Matt's season. Also, we have a fantastic episode for you on Wednesday. Ricky Williams is here. Now, I don't know if a lot of you know who Ricky Williams is. He's a legend if you watch football, if you're a fan of sports. So some of you obviously will know who he is.

Some of you who don't, you're still going to want to tune in. Ricky is an expert in astrology. He's been studying it. It's a passion of his, and we have a great conversation uh we talk a little bit of football his background he has a fantastic story he's just very open and honest about his life and just uh a lot about you know just even in his football career it's fascinating his perspective on life and i think we can all learn from a lot of his thoughts that he had. And then we obviously get into some, a lot of astrology, which is, I have a whole new appreciation for astrology,

especially as it relates to relationships, both romantic or professional or any relationship you have. So be sure to check that out. You will definitely love it and not want to miss that. And we have a great episode for you today, so let's not waste too much time before we get to our callers other than to remind you if you have a problem with your life, we would like to solve it. Sending your questions at

asknickatcastmedia.com, cast with a K, merch, yeah, if you have a, someone's listening, someone is listening and their friend won't shut up about some guy. They won't get over or some toxic boyfriend. And I got to tell you, we have a T-shirt. You should probably buy them

so that they can look at themselves in the mirror and move on. So check it out. Wildfiles.com. Check out some merch. Support the show. And stay warm. It's winter winter we got some nice hoodies it's very fashionable

wasn't it like 90 degrees in LA the other day we got beanies well you know there are other people I worry about my middle America folks you know my midwestern friends and even in the south this time of year it's unseasonably cold you know because even in the south this time of year it's unseasonably cold

you know because even in LA like winter I thought everyone was soft but now I'm soft everyone is soft it thins your blood it thins your blood it does like 60 degrees and everyone's in a puffy coat it's when I turn on my hot tub and watch a movie outside the

projector I mean whatever you know okay well shut up we got some great callers today can't thank our callers enough not in my hot tub and watch a movie outside of the projector. I mean, whatever. Oh, hey. All right. Well, shut up. We got some great callers today. Can't thank our callers enough, as always. And we always thank you guys for listening.

And we got a great week for you. So we will see you every goddamn day. Well, just three. Yeah. But there's probably some episodes you haven't listened to. So tell your friends. Yeah. You can listen to something old on Thursday and Friday.

Also, I can't thank you guys enough. The people who constantly promote our show on your social. It is so meaningful. Can't thank you enough. So if you guys want to do that, it really warms my heart. If that will make you do it. It does. Every time.

And I stalk your guys's pages. I do. I'm looking at you. That's getting creepy. All right. Question time with me. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going?

I'm great. This is Sam and I am 22. Hi, Sam. How can it going? I'm great. This is Sam and I am 22. Hi, Sam. How can I help? So I have been in a relationship for almost two years now with my current boyfriend and something happened a couple of weeks ago and I just wanted to get a guy's perspective on that. guy's perspective on that. So we went on a three day trip over to an area and we stayed in a hotel,

followed all COVID safety things. And the first night was great. We had sex that night. Second night was great. We had sex during the day and for dinner, we had dinner that night. And after that, we were kind of like Tucky feeling in bed, but we didn't do anything because we were so stuffed. On the third day, that was the day that we had to check out of the hotel. And so it was the morning we were getting kind of Tucky feeling in the the morning but we didn't do anything because I was about to go down on him but he stopped me because he said um that his balls were sore which I was like okay whatever that's fine let's just go on with our morning so I was starting to pack my bag and he said that he was gonna go take a shower so sometimes we'll like shower together and it's just kind of fun so I opened the bathroom door and there my boyfriend is sitting on the toilet jerking off which was weird to walk into because he said that he was sore.

And he was looking at his phone. He said that he was watching porn. But I obviously have all types of crazy assumptions when that's what I walk into and didn't expect to see. You don't know that he wasn't watching porn? I don't know what he was watching. Yeah, I don't know that he wasn't watching porn i i don't know i don't know what he was what he was like yeah i don't know and your question is what is that normal she'd be so my my question kind of is how old is he kind of talked it out we're both 22. okay so after that we both kind of talked it out and he said that that his balls like kind of hurt when we do

certain positions and get kind of sore if we have sex a lot so he said that that's kind of what happened and I was I was okay with that I was like okay that I guess makes sense um I don't really technically understand but I guess and I haven't brought it up ever since then. He was really like apologetic and I support like masturbating and stuff and everything I do. He does it. But it was just kind of weird because we like, why would he feel the need to while we're on vacation when I was trying to do stuff with him in the morning? So it's kind of like my main question is, should I be concerned? I don't want to bring it up again,

but for this situation, if this is an isolated situation, I don't think it's the biggest red flag. I think sometimes there's an unfair expectation on, on guys to, you know, always want to have sex and perform sex. And I understand he's still masturbated,

but I'm pretty sure women feel the same way that masturbating is different than sex. I'm not saying it's better or worse. I'm simply saying it's different. And usually things that are different sometimes, and if you have two different things in life that you both enjoy, sometimes you want one over the other at various times. Right. So that that's the same. It's just,

it's not the same. I understand the end result is hopefully the same as you get off, but it's just different, you know, um, bad timing on his part. He probably could have just not done it in the bathroom on a weekend getaway. Like that's, that was stupid for him. You know, he put himself in a bad position per se, but I think if that's an isolated incident, I don't think it's a huge deal. Uh, yes. The, it's an unfair assumption that guys like every position in every way and they'll always be ready to have sex. Guys can chafe. They can get sore and uncomfortable. And maybe he is horned up from the weekend of just like having a sex weekend. But just so he just wants to like get that out of his system.

But he just didn't want to have sex again. So I think it's good that you guys started talking about what he likes and doesn't like. And I think it's good. And it sounds like maybe you did to like, not make him feel judged or bad that he likes certain things and doesn't, you know, that thing that young couples should do that. Just be like, great. All right. Well, what do you like that we do? And what do you not like that we do when I go down on you? Do you want, is it good? Could I do things differently and vice versa i mean he should be asking you the same questions when hopefully he's reciprocating the things that you're doing for him you know that that's what leads to good sex between a couple is this is kind of having

this open communication and don't make him feel like he has to sneak off and jerk off and and don't shame him for jerking off you know it was just a dumb thing for him to do. And like, really? I mean, you want to jerk off, but like, you know. Well, if you are looking for new ways to exercise to meet your fitness goals, we got a solution for you. Beachbody, that's right. They got a very fun app out there

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always more to enjoy, no matter who you are or what turns you on. And for all our listeners of the show, Dipsy is offering a 30-day free trial when you go to dipsystories.com slash V-I-A-L-L. That's a 30-day free trial when you go to D-I-P-S-E-A stories.com slash V-I-A-L-L, dipsystories.com slash V-I-A-L A L. I would say that we, we have really good communication when it comes to stuff like this, but ever since then I have, because that was the first time I've ever walked in on him masturbating. And so I kind of brought up the topic that I think it would be kind of fun for us to do together. I think that would be fun. But I brought it up the other day, and he got really awkward about it. And

then was like, I don't do it that much. And it was just kind of weird. Is there like, do you have any tips on how to bring that up or how to make him feel comfortable because i would say that i'm the more open comfortable person but he feels he openly told me that he feels really embarrassed about that so there's your answer and that could be very much true right there's a lot of people who aren't you know are very good at shaming other people for their sexual preferences and you know kink shame and things like that and even for like this is not even that kinky at all yeah but you guys are young i don't know his background or his family upbringing and things like that or just you know maybe you're just generally a more sexual

person than he is it's entirely possible yeah not every guy is a super hornball you know there are plenty of women who are more sexually advanced and more into sex than guys out there i don't know you know so what you could do is just always make him feel like he's not really doing anything wrong unless he's actually doing wrong but jerking off is there's nothing wrong with it you know and so he just has to feel comfortable with it i think the important thing to do in the immediate when you suggest something that makes him uncomfortable is not to push i wouldn't push for this whole like you know let's masturbate together thing you've mentioned it to him you let him know that you're into it but right now in general you should you should table that because it makes someone comfortable and if it ever comes up just be like make him feel like jerking off as a totally

normal thing that you're totally fine with and you get it and you're not worried about it i mean listen tiniest of red flag i guess if all of a sudden you start noticing he's jerking off on a more frequent basis rather than having sex with you and all of a sudden he's obsessed with porn and like, yeah, then maybe, maybe that's like, what's, why is that happening? that's a totally healthy situation especially for someone like yourself who's kind of open to exploring different kind of sexual tastes and you know things that you guys are into as a couple but i would definitely back off on this specific quest that you have and don't leave well just because you think it's it's normal and okay doesn't mean you're wrong and it doesn't make him wrong for making it making him feel uncomfortable. All right.

Yeah. So. Yeah. That's really helpful. Table that for now and just be, don't be afraid to suggest new things. And then like in a non-sexual situation, just, you know, keep talking about sex. Make it a normal part of your relationship that you guys openly talk about sex, you know? And when you, and he doesn't like something that you do openly talk about sex, you know? And when you,

and he doesn't like something that you do, don't get defensive and don't be like, well, that's weird that you don't like it. You know, none of that is going to get you to a common ground, you know? So with all things that are generally normal, like different kinks that people are into, it's all okay, but you both have the right to not be into things and to be into things. And you guys have to just find the common ground and then make each other feel comfortable with exploring new ideas and, and new kinks and see if you guys can land on some things that you both like, but he probably feels guilty. He probably feels a little embarrassed that you caught him and he felt,

you know, maybe just some self emasculation on his part. And, you know, there's a lot of stereotypes that kind of go into, you know, maybe just some self emasculation on his part. And, you know, there's a lot of stereotypes that kind of go into, you know, him feeling that way because you caught him. And, you know, you know, and I've dated girls. Yeah, definitely. Like made me feel bad for doing that, you know, and did some pretty fucked up things or like listening and banging down.

Like it's kind of fucked up, but people do it. So don't be like that. things of like listening and banging down like it's kind of fucked up but people do it so um don't be like that yeah it was it was just kind of a a really awkward situation i was just kind of thrown into shock for a second because it's okay it's yeah but try to normalize the fact that you guys masturbate and you're sex positive and you don't judge each other and make each other feel weird for liking things or disliking things. Okay. And, um, one last thing that I think is kind of random, but do you guys have any tips for like introducing toys into the bedroom? I've kind of briefly mentioned it and he said that it could be cool but i think he's also kind of hesitant

which is totally fine but um so he's open to it guys have any like slow your roll like i mean listen there's one thing i think all men should understand is that toys are not a reflection of his performance or the size of his dick or his ability. It's like, it's, it's, it's something that can add to the experience, you know? And so make him feel like that. Um, there's plenty of literature out there and, and, and opinions from women and maybe some men out there of how that could be a good thing, but don't with all these things, just don't cram it down his throat. You know, it's good that he's open to it. So just feel him out, touch and go, you know, play around with it. I'd like to try it, you know, make him feel confident, make him feel desired that you still, you still need him kind of thing. You know, everyone,

you know, men and women both like to feel needed in the bedroom. So just make sure he still feels needed. You're going to have to stroke his ego a little bit, you know, stuff like that, but, uh, take your time. Okay. Well, thank you so much. I'll slow, slow my roll with that, but I appreciate it. All right. Yeah. So sounds like positive things in a, in a young couple. And I think, uh, it's all pretty good stuff. Nothing really to worry about, worry about. All right. All right. Thank you so you so much all right have a good one very helpful yeah bye-bye bye how's it going hi i'm good how are you good what's your name i'm elizabeth hi elizabeth how old are you i didn't think about that 25 25 great how can i help well I have been Snapchatting my ex's college roommate. Okay.

Yeah. Like, how do I phrase that correctly? But yeah, my ex's college roommate. And I don't know how, like, what is his intention? And I don't... What are your intentions my intentions are i well first of all i i'm in nursing school so okay i don't have time to like play games i i don't really like sure aim i mean i do a little bit i like to like all right let's

pause on there just answer my question what okay are what are your intentions and hopes with this guy you're snapchatting with what do you want just simple answer anyone guy i mean you follow me in an elevator i'm like hey you're snapchatting with someone i don't care who they are what would you like best case scenario from him. I mean, I want to hang out with him and get to know him as a person. I haven't seen him in three years. Now you know what you want. Awesome.

Yeah. Okay. So, and you're confused by what he wants. Yes. Based off of what? That you're just like sending nudes at the moment? Well, okay. I haven't gotten like nudes from him, but he's texted me or Snapchat.

It's so annoying that it's Snapchat. But it is, like, he'll tell me he's had, like, dreams about me, like, coming into his room and, like, stupid stuff like that. And I'm like, okay, like, I see where this is going. And, like, I know that you think I'm attractive. okay, I see where this is going, and I know that you think I'm attractive. I get it, but stop Snapchatting me and text me. You have my number. And you said that to him? You have for the last six years.

Yeah, I'm really blunt. You are? And what does he say? And he's like, I'm scared you're going to share it with people. And I'm like, who am I going to share it with? What are you Snapchatting? I would never send anything to him that I don't over text message. I'm not, I'm really blunt and I'm really open and I'm just a really forward person.

But like he will like say explicit things to me and I'm like, okay, I see where this is going. So hold on. Let me ask you this. When this, so you're, you're sexting on snapchat right is that so so everyone understands are are are you okay with this do you like it are or is it unsolicited like what's going on here i mean sometimes i'll play into it like i mean we're all human and we'll all play into it sometimes do you like it or do you think it's premature he's an attractive guy i've known him for i don't care if he's an attractive guy do you like him

do you like him sexting you at all i mean yeah you do like it okay but i it's unclear honestly more than that you do no but i want it to be more than that like do you think it's premature yeah i want it to be more than just like me being some fun thing on the side like i want to hang out with him and i want to get to know him more than just sex like i am not somebody who's just going to sex somebody like i'm going to be in a like a relationship with somebody have you said to him that you'd like to have you met like a relationship with somebody have you said to him that you'd like to have you met up with him yet no have you said that you'd like to yeah and he said what okay so i would be like hey what are you doing tonight and he'd be like eating and i'd be like okay like i think it's weird that we haven't seen each other in

two and a half years three years and he's like why do you think that's weird that we haven't seen each other in two and a half years three years and he's like why do you think that's weird and i'm like because friends see each other like i'm not really sure so that's like why that's weird you're not as direct as you think you are okay but i'm also that's a little it's a little passive aggressive because you didn't say i'd like to hang out with you we should hang. You said what you're doing is weird. So instead of him being like, well, then let's hang out. You indirectly and passively kind of criticized him or the both of you together. Like best case scenario, you guys can you criticize the group.

And that is you guys are fucking weird for sexing and not meeting. And I'm not necessarily disagreeing with you, but that's just what you said. You critiqued the interaction you guys are having, made him feel defensive. And then he responded to the criticism rather than the actual date idea. Nothing makes you feel better than looking in the mirror and seeing clear skin. But it doesn't come easy for all of us. But the good news is, is there a solution out there for everyone? So whatever your skin looks like or whatever it is, you can make improvements on it

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But like, I keep trying to go about it as like, I'm like, dropping the handkerchief of like, I want you to make the move. Like, come on, make the move. And he doesn't. Okay. So you're dropping hints that you want him to make a move.

So maybe he's just not a guy who picks up on hints. You are capable of just telling him what you want. I know. telling him what you want. And if you want a guy who doesn't need to be like really, really push really, really hard to make a move, then you already know that maybe he's not your guy. Just maybe as some hot guy who used to, you know,

be roommates with a guy you used to date, you know, maybe you're getting the answers you already need without having to met him. That's possible. But if you do want to meet him and that's okay, if you do, then it might require you to just go ahead and be direct yeah it's also possible that like he just likes sexting with girls and maybe he doesn't want to really meet with you i don't know it does seem weird i would agree

with you that seems odd yeah but nevertheless that's what he's doing sometimes like we'll have like serious conversations over snap over snapchat like why haven't you said to him without calling him weird saying listen instead of saying he's weird say obviously you know i i enjoy talking to you i don't talk to people on a regular basis that I don't enjoy talking to. But I do want to get to know you better. And so I would like to meet up with you. Are you down for doing that? Because I'm down.

I would like to see where this goes. I'd like to get to know you more. But I don't want to keep having serious conversations like this with someone I haven't met yet. Make it about what you want. conversations like this with someone I haven't met yet. Make it about what you want. I think I'm scared to like compromise like our like friendship. Well, you're going to have to make some compromises here.

You're going to have to make some choices. You're already sexing with the guys. He's not your friend. He's a guy. He's a roommate that you know him because you used to date his roommate. That's how you know him. And you guys were like cool with each other. And clearly while you were dating his roommate, you thought he was hot and he thought you were hot.

And you guys just didn't do anything about it because, you know, you had a boyfriend. And now he's no longer his roommate. And you don't even know if they're friends. Maybe they were just roommates. And now you're not dating this guy. And now you guys are like exploring this like attraction you guys have. you just need to put it out there you know he's not your home homeboy he's not your friend he's just he's not your pal it's not your confidant that's the other part to it is like maybe he's not making a move because he's like friends with him still like i don't know i don't know either do i you know it's a great way to find out? Ask. But I don't want to ask. Like, what if I'm, like, planting a seed in his head?

You know what? Or, like, ah! You can't make him be a direct person, you know? Yeah. Why can't you do it? Do you consider yourself to be a strong, independent woman? I have, like, I have been that way in the past. And I feel like it's bit me in the butt by like just

like going after it because then i like i have to continue to be that way throughout the whole relationship and i want like an equal partnership throughout the whole thing well maybe you need to like listen to yourself and maybe it didn't you know bite you in the ass, so to speak. Maybe you putting out what you wanted, you actually got the answer that you needed, not necessarily you wanted. And the answer was like, they just didn't want to give to you what you demanded and expected. Like you set your boundaries. This is what I want in a relationship. And this is the guy, the guy I'm looking for. And they were like, not me, which sucked to hear, but that's what you want it doesn't bite you in the ass it just makes it little it's it's like it's more like cold water splashing your face it stings a little bit

yeah you know but it doesn't mean it was the wrong answer and i don't think you should like go back on that there's a difference between putting out what you want and just be like these are the standards i have and you know being a nag or difficult or a pain in the ass like you know there's a difference and don't feel guilty just be like this is the type of guy I want I'm gonna stop I'm gonna start being less direct I'm gonna start being more passive aggressive so that I can continue hanging out with guys that you know might not really like who I really am so I'm gonna not be myself and I'm going to be like a version of myself just so I can keep texting with a guy all while still being totally confused and not

getting what I want. That's so true. I just need to like be confident in who I am. There's a really strong chance this guy just likes sexting with you and yeah and you're right maybe feel some guilt about hanging out with you because maybe he is still friends either way you know just put it out there do you want to date a guy who's not emotionally mature enough to have a conversation about the awkwardness that is the dynamic of your relationship no yeah exactly you know you might not be doing something wrong but like if you guys truly are a potential great match right then he'll just have to get over it his relationship with his roommate or you know whatever and and and if if it's not that if he just wants to have sex with you then maybe he needs to be like you know what? I should just not be sexting and have sex with a girl

because my friendship matters more to me and I just need to move on. But what you are doing right now is just wasting both of your time. And you are just, you're just as guilty at the moment because you're being as passive aggressive as he is.

Yeah, I'm just playing into it. Yeah. You're not being direct. You know, being passive aggressive while calling him weird is not being direct. You're so right.

You're always right and it pisses me off, Nick. That's okay. All right. So what are we going to do when we get off the phone next time he reaches out to you? Yeah, well, first of all,

I'm not going to Snapchat him. I'm just going to text him and I'm just going to be direct about it okay and again i'm not giving you permission to just like sound difficult and be aggressive just be direct you can be really kind and direct at the same time you can you're gonna it requires you to be a little vulnerable here and that's a hard time people have when they're direct because they want to put a guard up it's like well i don't fucking care what you want and i don't really care about this but this is what i want and if you don't if you don't want i don't want either like well who the fuck wants to do hang out with that person it's going to require you to be somewhat vulnerable and that is i like i like what we have the little bit we do have but here's what i don't like and

here's what i would would like are you willing to do that? And you're going to have to sound like you might be sad if you don't get what you want and that will be okay. And you'll survive. But if you say it in a way that makes it sound like you don't give a shit and you're just kind of like, no one likes that person. I don't fucking care what you say,

but this is what I want. So like, fuck you. What do you want? Are you going to give me what I want? Like no one wants that. Yeah. That that yeah that makes sense because we do that a lot we pretend we don't give a shit and we just sound like a dick or a bitch or whatever yeah you just like completely read me too yeah I could tell that's what you're gonna do but like just so

you know I'm only texting it's like oh fuck I mean Well, it's irritating to be on Snapchat. I get it. But you have to be a little bit vulnerable and direct at the same time. This is what I would like. I hope you're willing to give it to me because you know what? Here's why I like it. Because you are. You seem like a cool guy.

I enjoy what we have, but I am not okay with X, Y, or Z. So if you like me enough, I'd like this. And by the way, I don't want to keep doing this if we're not going to get together. Have you even discussed his relationship with your roommate? Or you guys just pretend that's not a thing? No. I mean, okay, so we all went on spring break together like my sophomore year of college. How long ago was that? Seven years?

Six years? I was like 19. Yeah, okay yeah okay six years ago like a long time ago so the answer to that question is no you haven't really had a mature conversation about no we have not had a mature conversation we talked about how he climbed into bed with me naked that's what we talked about he's in you've you've been in bed naked with this guy accidentally yes a, yes. Long story. Okay. Well, so there's some sexual tension there. Maybe you guys, okay, so why don't you have a conversation about the elephant in the room? About my ex?

Yeah. Do you even know how close he is with this guy, your ex? No. Well, you should probably find out. Oh, yeah, I should. I just, like, i don't care it's like a hard boundary to like find because it was a real messy breakup and i don't want this guy to think that i care still about my ex and I don't want, listen,

if this is a guy here still, I don't know. Listen, he's your ex and you can be over it and indifferent, but still like acknowledge that he is someone you did care about. And you can acknowledge that, like, you know that you,

they were friends and you know, you don't even know how close he is with this guy. That's like, it's like, hey, I don't know. Is it weird for you? You don't have to act like you care. You'd be like, hey, can I just ask you a question? And I know we probably have both been one in the same thing, but like, do you still talk to Mark? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. We're still good friends. Oh, is that weird for you? I'm like, I just want to like, you know, we're broken up and we're fine, but you're still friends. So like, how do you feel about that? How does that make you sound like you still care? That's true.

I've been way overthinking it. And if he's just like, I don't know, I don't really talk to the guy. Maybe we had a falling out. Oh, end of story. We can move on. But there is a reason why he's not hanging out with you. If he likes sexing with you, most guys are into having sex with women they find attractive, you know?

So like there's a good chance he does still talk to him, but then you can talk about it. But listen, it doesn't, it's not weird to me if it's not weird to you. But at the same time, if it is weird to you, then maybe we shouldn't keep doing this because I don't want,

you know, but you are avoiding conversations for a direct person. I am. I, yeah, it was just like that one conversation has been looming over me, and I've been scared to bring it up because I don't want to plant that seed in his head. Plant what seed?

That you select? I don't know. I know that he knows I'm his roommate's ex. Exactly. Acknowledging that someone was your boyfriend does not mean you're still in love with them. Yeah. You don't have to literally act like they don't exist. In fact, the fact that you haven't brought it up, that someone was your boyfriend does not mean you're still in love with them yeah you know you don't have to literally act like they don't exist in fact the fact you haven't brought it up you

could argue makes it sound like you do care as much as anyone because you're avoiding the topic and we have a hard time of talking about things we care about yeah so it would make sense for you to just be like hey hey do you still talk to that person? You're right. I don't, I have nothing else to say besides you're right. All right. Well,

good luck. It's a good chance. I'm not your guy. I'm sorry. Oh yeah. He's probably not. It's fine, but have some fun,

but just don't make it more confusing than it needs to be. And you never know. You both are, it sounds like you're both not great communicators you're both a little immature when it comes to communicating about your feelings and emotions and you both like pretending that things don't matter when they do and you're both afraid of being vulnerable so someone has to be afraid of being vulnerable like very well you should probably work on that yeah you know You know, on your own.

And you'll figure it out. Getting hurt won't kill you. Okay. You're just probably really used to being liked most of your life. I think you've mostly had a successful dating life. You're used to being sought after, but not necessarily always got what you want. I don't think that's true. No?

No. Well, why do you think that you are afraid of being vulnerable? Because I had an almost engagement. To that guy? Yeah. What's an almost engagement? I mean, we went shopping for engagement rings one month, and then the next month it was over like for and i never knew why and so then just like do you know why now no i never knew why so i just like came up like i like told myself reasons why and then like you have no idea why you were happy with everything. Everything was amazing. Yeah.

Really? Everything? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. You don't know what he's doing now? I, like, have friends. Like, we still have, like, mutual friends.

And, like, none of the mutual friends know why either. How long ago was this? Like, three years ago. Are you over it? Yeah. Okay. yeah okay yeah yeah do you care um no i've kind of like told myself that um he like put up a front this is like how i've like gotten myself over it is that like he had to have like put up a front for me because like when I was dating him um like his family members told me that um like oh my gosh you've made him so much of a better person like he definitely like wasn't like this before and so like I've told myself that like he wasn't the type of person outside of our relationship that he was inside of our relationship and so that's

kind of what i've like come to the conclusion with myself and that he wasn't like if he wasn't that person truly then it wasn't the person i wanted to marry yeah i mean it doesn't really matter it's also possible and this thing sometimes but it could be true that he just decided he didn't yeah like he didn't like yeah he wasn, he wasn't in love with me. My guess is that's probably why you're afraid of being vulnerable because there's always that part of us that wonders, well, maybe they just didn't like me. Yeah. But he never heard it

from you and you're like, well, I think I've thought of this reason, I've thought of this reason and there's that in the back of your mind. And that's okay. There's a lot of people who don't like us. Yeah. So,

but communicate with this other guy. And, uh, also maybe it's considered the possibility is just not date someone who used to be his roommate because he didn't hurt you. And you know, that, that might be scratching.

You could be healed, but it could maybe trigger some things for you. That you don't need to bother with. For sure. All right. All right. All right.

Best of luck. You'll be great. Thank you. All right. Take care. Bye. Bye. How's it going?

Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? I'm Lindsay and I'm 30. Hi, Lindsay. How can I help?

So just a little bit of a backstory, I guess, that I have to lead with. Back in July 2020, during the pandemic, my partner passed away in my arms from an asthma attack. I'm very sorry. Yeah, it's okay. I know it's very traumatic and devastating, of course, but I do the best to try to kind of, you know, look at the silver lining of things and stay positive. But that kind of leads me to my next point, which is, you know, that it's been very difficult for me to kind of navigate my sexuality and being a very sexual person after that. You know, it's the longest that I've been single now for the last decade pretty much and

six months seven months eight months what month is it six months yeah it's been six months all right um and in turn that's also been the longest that i've gone without having sex since actually i lost my virginity really um and that i guess stopped on halloween when i had sex with um stopped on Halloween when I had sex with my friend and he actually happens to be one of my partner's good friends. The caveat though, I guess that you could say is that we had a relationship, not a romantic relationship, but we had a sexual relationship for the last maybe decade kind of on and off. So it's not as though I just- Before your partner? Right. Before I got together with my partner. So it's not really like maybe decade kind of on and off so it's not as though i just before your part right right before i got together with my partner gotcha so it's not really like i just kind of like had sex with my partner's friend you know it's like we had a thing established before that

okay um regardless so you know hit i've just it's been kind of a a nice situation because i would like to have sex with someone, but I'm not looking for a romantic relationship by any means right now. And I'm kind of picky and I also don't really like online dating. So it's kind of hard to find someone else to, I guess, do those things with. So to me, it seems like that would be the best scenario. And it seems like that would be the best scenario for him, too, because he's kind of in a similar situation where he's not really looking for anyone. And so this kind of friends with benefits situation seems like it could be beneficial for both of us. And I guess I'm just kind of confused because it's about two weeks after Halloween when we first had sex again he he texted me and he was like you know hey you know you should come over tonight and I was like no

it's getting kind of late but maybe by the way he lives like 40 minutes away he used to live in town but he moved away I'm like 40 minutes away so it's not like I can just go over there in five minutes um and you know he was like yeah what can I do to convince you to come over like you know sending me dick pics like sexting me all these things and so I told him I'd come over and I guess I was under the assumption that like when I was driving over there that we'd have sex that night and when I got there he acted as though like we didn't have that text conversation like I was texting the wrong person pretty much and and you know we're friends and we can hang out and just shoot the shit like normal and so that's pretty

much what we did and you know the next day i continued to hang out with him and then we briefly had well we had sex in the shower because his heater in his apartment had kind of crapped out so he basically offered the invitation to shower with him and even still in the shower he was very he just he has this attitude of like we're gonna kind of pretend this isn't happening right now like it's i don't know if i can yeah it's kind of like it's almost like he's acting like this isn't happening but we're gonna do this really quick and then never talk about it again okay we so he briefly had sex in the shower and then, you know, afterwards we were hanging out a bunch and he was kind of just doing this thing where he was like, I can, you know, I read energy pretty well

and I could tell that he was like doing whatever he could to like kind of avoid sitting next to me and was just seemingly kind of uncomfortable and awkward. So I brought the subject up to him. You know, I eventually just kind of confronted him and said, you know, I'm kind of frustrated. You know, it seems like last night you were texting me all these things. And then I get here and it's a completely different vibe. And I don't know what that's about. And he freaked out immediately and was like, you're completely out of line and completely out of pocket and i can't believe you'd even say that and like you have no you don't know like that's not at all how it is like what'd you say to him to set him off just i i guess i just said that i

was frustrated and then it seemed like well you know the thing that i said that set him off and i can understand this because it kind of sounds emasculating as i said you talk a big gang of her text message okay um but i mean that's just the truth of the situation is that he was you know so what's your what's your question so basically my question is just whether or not like you think that i should try and like move on i mean i'm not looking for anything with this guy and i told him that or if i should just like continue should try and like move on? I mean, I'm not looking for anything with this guy. And I told him that. Or if I should just like continue to try and like work through things with him. Like we're still friends.

We've hung out since then. Okay. Then so what do you. It seems unclear hearing your story that you're not entirely sure what you want. Right. You say that you want this friends with benefits and you're not looking for a relationship but right regardless of who's right or who's wrong in this argument like you you have expectations of him right and which are more than just sex because you at least want him to you know which is fine you're you have the right to want that but it's not what you say you

want right it's not just a friend with benefits. Well, what makes you think that? Because you want to connect with him. You don't want, you want him to not be, you want his energy to be a certain way, like you said. You're not just showing up, having sex, taking a shower and leaving. Like you, you know, that's what a friend's benefit is.

And that's okay not to have it, but it's a little bit, you're trying to live in the gray. You want at least some expectations. You want at least some validation, some emotional connection or whatever it is. It's not just, you know, the physical act. Because you had sex, you know, and maybe he sends some dick pictures at his convenience. And like, that's where it can get messy. So like, if it's okay, if you don't want just friends with benefits right you know i don't i actually don't like i really don't want a

relationship with him at all um and you know i can understand how it could come off that way especially and i you know i i cleared this up with him i wrote an email to him after this had happened and was like you know i i know that i came off like you know saying like why didn't you sit next to me sounds like i am hurt or like you know i want your attention and it's not necessarily that it's just that i wanted to be able to make a move on you and i felt like i couldn't really do that like that was the main reason that i wanted like well sure but then and then if you are like if you have a uh friends with benefits relationship then maybe he's just not in the mood or whatever you know

like that's the thing is it looks it sounds like to me well you may not want him to be your boyfriend you want a little bit more than just a fuck buddy right you want it's some when when you need or want the comfort like a relation a romantic relationship dating someone when you have this kind of you know you understand each other's love languages and when they're upset or when they're mad or when you need to know to back off or push them that's part of a relationship you know that's you know and i get that right but this you're saying like i just this is some guy i have sex with you know you know i guess i feel like maybe it's a little different because like we've had we've like established this kind of friendship where we hang out for like

very long, like, you know, a couple of days. And like, he doesn't live like he doesn't live very close. So it's like, it's not really like I can just bang and leave, you know, in 20 minutes. What I think you should do is I think you need to get better at expanding your comfort zone. I think you have found the most ideal person in your very small comfort zone and circle to have just sex with but it's not just somebody he's a friend and it's just hard you're trying to like

have two different types of relationship with this guy and you are now realizing that that's difficult to do so if you want a buddy go find a buddy that wasn't a friend with your past partner or even forget about that some guy you didn't know before he's just some guy like you enjoy looking at and you enjoy his dick and that you don't really want anything else other than that you don't need to like you come and go as you please you you're not friends you don't sometimes just be friends then sometimes have sex it's confusing for anyone including yourself and him and he's just like trust me he's just like what the fuck does she want from i don't know like we're not dating you And he's just like, trust me, he's just like, what the fuck does she want from me? I don't know.

Like, we're not dating. You know, he's probably, I guarantee you, he's a guy, he's just more simple. He's just like, listen, are we dating or are we not? Because if we're not dating, then leave me the fuck alone. Right. You know, that's probably what he's thinking. I know you don't like dating apps,

but it doesn't mean you shouldn't use them. You know? I mean, I've tried using them. I downloaded Tinder and I've tried it. I just, I don't, I don't connect with someone over a screen i just can't get like it just doesn't no normal can but that's the start so you you connect over screen you have a conversation you go on an uncomfortable date and then you find out if you like you got comfortable like there is a discomfort in dating like you don't get to like meet someone and be like i feel like i've known you forever

without like the process, the buildup. It takes some work. Right. You know? Yeah, that's true. Unless you only just want to limit your options for the rest of your life to people that like, you know, finding someone new is that I've had this tendency of, you know, of being kind of all in or all out where like, if I start to like someone, like, I don't, I'm, I'm scared of liking someone and then liking them too much. Sure. Which is like, I don't know, maybe it sounds to me like that's maybe you do like them more than you want to admit

you're just scared to say it because you don't know how he feels back. I don't know. Do you feel like you fully process the death of your partner um yeah I mean I feel like I I feel like I have but at the same time I also don't want to be in a relationship right now okay have you have you done any therapy since your partner yeah I have I definitely I do therapy that's like a pretty traumatic thing to have right absolutely absolutely yeah absolutely and I mean like you know I know I don't take that lightly at all um but yeah i mean i like that's the thing is that i'm not i'm not ready for you know anything like romantic i don't want like i'm not completely over it yet yeah and that's okay and even though you're like this is the longest chart i have a

sex doesn't make it a bad thing right no of course because you're used to doing something doesn't mean you maybe maybe a break is good right you know like. You can be a sexual person and still take a time out, you know, that makes it exciting, you know, and don't feel like you have to like scratch that itch every time you need. Right. You know, so I think it would be really important for you to really focus on, you know, processing the loss that you have in the grieve. And even if, and it's, I feel like it's common and I thankfully haven't experienced any real loss like that, but I assume people don't like to feel pain and hurt. So they try to avoid it and they try to even tell themselves they're over it. And they try to prove things to

themselves. You don't have to prove anyone, anything to anyone and you don't have to prove it to yourself. So it's okay to be like, you know, I'm just not there yet. But right now, this sounds like a very complicated situation and and and i wouldn't be blown away if maybe you like him a little more than you even want to admit you know i don't know but you know i'm attracted to him and they're like i i guess i just process things in a weird way where i like look at them very objectively and sure but what if he surprised you out of nowhere and said that he has feelings for you and right i i don't thought about that and like honestly i i would be really hesitant and i would

be really skeptical even if like hesitant and skeptical about what whether he means it or how your feelings because that's how it reads to me it sounds like what you wouldn't believe is that he means it and you would be scared to get hurt that's what it's not no it's not it's not that i would be skeptical of his feelings it's not to be skeptical of moving forward from there i i don't think like i wouldn't want to be in a relationship with him he's not a good partner he's cheated on all his past partners he's not a good boyfriend he's just not he's very hot and cold he's very like but if he wasn't would you um possibly but that's not him you know like that's no i know i'm just saying but that's why maybe you like there's an attraction there past like just a fuck buddy.

And it just sounds like you're fucking with yourself. I think you're choosing a complicated situation and you're trying to simplify it. And it's hard to do. And that's why you feel confused. And it's complicated because it is a complicated situation. Right. You're just downplaying it just because you're downplaying it doesn't mean you're uncomplicating it no i mean i know that it's complicated as fuck it's just like i i guess i'm okay i'm okay with like it being exactly how it is you know like i'm okay with

i don't think you are okay that's why we're on the phone and that's okay to admit right like you probably have some good sex with this guy but i just think maybe you need to take a breath you know, and consider the possibility that this is a complicated situation that's never going to get much easier. And if you want easier, if you want more simple, if you want clearer expectations for yourself and whoever you're having sex with, he might not be the guy. If you're okay with complicated, fine. It doesn't sound like you are because, you know, who likes complicated to a point? And maybe it's fun and dramatic at first, but this sounds a little exhausting and confusing.

And you don't like wondering why he's acting a certain way. And in that moment, you're sitting on the couch next to him and you feel like he doesn't want to connect with you or you can't make a move. It feels awkward and silly and like, you know, very much so. Like, I'm very direct and i'm very you know up front and honest and he's not that way at all and like that's just our communication why would you choose if a goal is a casual relationship that you can just kind of unwind and get a little bit of sex to like satisfy like your desires to have sex because like it helps relax you and helps you the energy why would you choose a situation that creates more anxiety

rather than reduces it? Well, because I mean, the sex part is great. And like that when it when it is that it's it's just fine. But it's no problem. Fine. But it comes with the price, right? Right. Right.

I mean, you're choosing a complicated situation. But here's the thing is, I feel like it doesn't have to come with the price. And I feel like he does. With him, it does. Yeah. You are being stubborn right now and saying I think I can change him you're not actually that's what you're saying you're I can change the situation but this is who he is right I right but I'm I think that he I'm trying to say

to him it doesn't have to be so complicated you know like sure I mean it doesn't have to be you know and I don't you know the people uh the girls I've dated in the past didn't have to be, you know, and I don't, you know, the people, the girls I've dated in the past didn't have to have their personalities, but that's who they were. That's who he is. Some people aren't the right fits. Right. Of course, he could be a different person. Of course. You know, that's like saying, I mean, I don't know.

You know, it's like anything's possible, but this is not who he is and it's not likely how he's going to be. Don't fit a square into a circle, pretty much. Yeah. Yeah. If he wasn't a cheater, he maybe make a great not likely how he's going to be. Don't fit a square into a circle pretty much. Yeah. Yeah. If he wasn't a cheater, he maybe make a great boyfriend, but that's what he did. Right. You know, and I think you need to accept who he is in the situation you have found yourself to be in and then make decisions on that.

What the reality of it, not what you think it could be. And I think you are being a little stubborn with that. I guess my problem is that I just don't want to let go of the scenario because it's so, I guess, comfortable and ideal for me. And I guess I don't want to get out of my comfort zone. Yeah. Some part of it is comfortable. Some part is not. And what you are choosing is this discomfort over the discomfort of dating apps and meeting someone new. Right. So don't call it easy. It you know, it's, it's one

discomfort versus another and you're weighing this discomfort is easier for you to accept than something completely new because at least you're getting some good sex. Right. I would argue that if you can get through the discomfort of like this, the dating and finding someone new, you could have their have someone you actually want to date or you can find a fuck buddy that is really a fuck buddy yeah i think that's harder to do than and and but i my sense is that you just there's a wall up you have you have you know this desire for a fuck buddy has more to do with some issues that maybe you know we all have that you might want to work through the um because it sounds to me like if if all things being equal if you could have the

same sex that you have with him with a guy that you trusted that you think would faith is faithful that you wouldn't just have a fuck buddy you would just date yeah absolutely but it's i guess for me it's just like i i don't really think that i could like i there's so much gamble when it comes to online dating there's so much gamble when it comes to finding a new sex partner life's a gamble yeah but you you take in these interactions and you get better at you know as you date more and more and different people you get better at noticing red flags you're like you know what this seems like a bigger risk another risk like you know the red flag of dating someone who has only cheated on their partner. So you're like, well, I'm probably not going to invest more time in a guy who has a bad track record. You know,

you're, you're young, you're gonna swing and miss a few times, but you have to swing to see if you can, you know, find the person what you know, pretty confidently is this guy is just sex. Right. And I guess that's the thing is that I feel comfortable with that because we both know that it's not going that there's like a, you know, a wall at a certain point where it can't go past a certain level. And maybe with a different person, I guess I feel like that would that would be broached really fast. Stop calling it comfortable.

It's it's a discomfort you're willing to accept. OK, well, it's a discomfort I'm willing to accept. Yeah. You know, but at least that's at least you're being honest with the situation. Okay. Well, it's a discomfort I'm willing to accept. Yeah. You know, but at least that's, at least you're being honest with the situation. Yeah. And, and that way, when you consider the alternative, it's not choosing discomfort over comfort because this isn't comfortable. Right. And I just choosing, it's just using something familiar, I guess. Yes. So I would challenge yourself to maybe choose things that are also maybe

uncomfortable, but, and not familiar because sometimes the unfamiliar can be great and new and exciting things that turn into comfort. Okay. But take the time to grieve and heal and, and, and, and don't be afraid to still do that. And it sounds like, you know, maybe, you know, you need to heal a little bit more and that's okay i would i would think i would need to if i were in your position so um and then there is this added layer that you know he was friends and and maybe that come you know maybe there's things he's dealing with too you don't know this is a right this is a very complicated messing situation so you should stop calling it comfortable just because you're getting laid. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. I appreciate your help. All right. All right. Take care. Take care. All right. Bye-bye. How's it going?

All right. It's going. What's your name? I'm Caitlin and I'm 30. Hi, Caitlin. How can I help? All right. Well, I have somewhat of a family predicament going on and a lot of people might be able to relate to this, this day and age.

So starting from the beginning, I had a super normal upbringing. I'm the youngest of three and I'm the only girl. So I was the baby girl. So always like these is the favorite. And over the past couple of years, I've kind of become the black sheep in the family, which is really unfortunate because, you know, family's always been really important to me, but I've really grown apart from a lot of my family because my views don't align with those of the rest of my family members at all whatsoever. And I know that this has been kind of a common occurrence to a lot of families over the... All your views across the board?

I mean, not absolutely everything. We still have kind of the same morals and values and things like that, but it's mostly in the political realm of things. Both of my parents are from the deep South and I was raised in a small town in Texas. And most people who grew up where I grew up stay there, which is totally fine. That's just not something that I wanted to do. And so I moved off and I feel like I, you know, have had a lot of different views of the world that some people haven't been able to see. And because of that, a lot of my views, particularly political and things like that have shifted over the years. And so I just don't really know how to deal with my family and particularly my parents. I don't even

talk to my brother who's closest in age to me anymore because of all of this stuff that has gone down. But I just, I mean, it's not things like this aren't often brought up in person. Like when we're all together, like we can usually be cordial, but everything always comes back around to Facebook. So I feel like I have to, yes, I hate Facebook. Who starts like, so let me ask you, you guys get together. Yeah. You are cordial and they're just like, you're my mom or brother and i love you guys and it's good to see you and and oh by the way we generally have the same morals and understanding

like who's the one who eventually after you know a couple beers or four hours of boredom like brings up the difference and opinions that will ultimately lead to fights um I mean, honestly, it could be any one of us, but it's usually- But you are also guilty? Are you or- I'm definitely guilty. We're all very hardheaded. Okay, well, there you go. All right.

So we have a lot of similarities there, but I usually try to avoid it, especially whenever it comes to like being around each other for holidays because my mom's always been like, okay, well, you know, if you say something, she will leave. And so we usually try to avoid it.

But my biggest issue is with the things that my mom posts on the internet. Okay. And so I'll message my mom and be like, hey, could you please not say anything about, you know, things going on in the world right now or like posts, like for example. Conspiracy theories? Not necessarily conspiracy theories, but like gung-ho trump 2020 type of stuff okay um i'll just throw it out there and instead of her just being like

you know what i respect your opinion like you're not posting about it i won't post about it either she'll be like why are you getting so offended about that and the big thing is she's friends with a lot of my friends on Facebook because growing up she has always been like a second mom to all of my friends and they've always loved her obviously these past few years have been very heated across the board and so she'll post something and I'll be like you know for example one of my best friends is a gay immigrant okay he was in my wedding okay and I'm like you do realize that some of the things that you're saying is completely you know disregarding his existence are you saying just

her general support for the candidate or is she specifically saying things that come across as ignorant she's uh it's very ignorant stuff like she'll repost things that'll have the little flag that says this has been deemed as false information you know but like about the election per se but i'm talking about your friend right i'm saying has she specifically said something that say would be would sound ignorant say towards immigrants or gay people has your mom specifically uh other than like I believe you know you know what I'm saying yeah I know what you're saying so not specifically except for there's been a couple of things about like border issues that she has mentioned and I'm like I don't think you really understand how this you know indirectly but

directly impacts the people around me which in turn makes you look like a bad person and she's a really good person and that's where that's where I'm having this internal battle is that I know that she is an amazing person. She's done absolutely everything for me and all my friends growing up. And it's just become really difficult. And it makes me want to not be around her and what makes other people not want to be around her when she's being this way. And I don't know what the best way to go about saying like, could you just be like a decent human and not say anything so that way we can all get along essentially well listen let's obviously this is probably very relatable to a lot of people and it's a tough conversation to have right um even me here like thinking about how i want to answer

your question it's just like oh you know, already it's it's it seems hard to do without frustrating somebody. Right. It's we do have a very divisive country when it comes to political stuff. But the thing is, when it comes to family, you know, you're going to have to find some sort of middle ground, right? We are dealing with a climate that likes to live on the edges of the extremes, right? At least that's the thing. It's what it feels like, especially on the internet, right? The loudest people seem to have the most extreme thoughts on both sides. But let's focus on the immediate problem, and that is your relationship with your mother

and your family. When you say you're not talking to your brother or your relationship with your mother seems to be going south, so to speak. You yourself have to try to find a common ground. I mean, when it comes to this stuff, like it's not going to like when your brother says things to you, clearly he's not changing your mind. You get defensive and you get angry and mad and sometimes leave and vice versa. That's he's having the same, your mom and your brother has the same reaction to you, right? Especially the people like that you love and you say you have the same moral, you know, compass and understanding. I'm without knowing your mom, I'm pretty sure that what, what she's putting up there and what she's saying, she believes that

it's righteous, right? That she believes that it's right. She believes that whether she's putting up there and what she's saying, she believes that it's righteous, right? That she believes that it's right. She believes that whether she's misinformed or not, you know, that's what she believes, right? You telling her she's stupid or saying that what she's, you know what I'm saying? Or sound like whether it's directly or condescendingly or passive aggressively is never going to find a common ground. You will only like push each other away. So if your goal is to try to find this common ground with your mother, you have to figure out a different way to communicate with her, right? Now, in these types of situations, it's always a long game. Has anyone ever, and I'm going to ask, it's rhetorical, but have you

ever had a conversation with someone who had a different political opinion than yours and you just like yelled out your opinion and they were like oh my god that's so clear and i've you've totally changed my mind and now like i'm on yours has that ever happened never never right so why yet we continue to try to do it all of us we're all we're all guilty of it now it seems if it feels like an impossible task with the world but it there is an opportunity here at least with your family like your mom your immediate family and it it's it's very hard it's not easy but like what you can try to do is you know you kind of have to Trojan horse it you got to attack him from the inside so to speak and without bringing up politics and who she votes for does she have a relationship with your best friend who was in your wedding? My gay best friend. Your gay best friend who was an immigrant. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So he's always called her, you know, mama, her name. Yeah. So you need to, you know, if this is a goal of yours, listen, a lot of ignorance in this world comes from just not knowing better. And you don't have to be a 12 year old-old to be ignorant and not know any better. You can be a 70-year-old person or a 50-year-old person or a 40-year-old person. If you lived in a community surrounded by the same people with the same beliefs, right, you're generally going to think the same and you'll fight, you know, you'll hear it. And, you know, it's like that sounds normal. I mean, I think about a lot of the things that I was taught and things I heard in my

community community that I just say, yeah, OK, totally. You hear it and then you you it sounds good enough and then you echo it to someone else and it all seems normal and OK. And then you like you leave your circle and then like you become like, the reason you probably have these points of view is because of the friends that you've made. And you said you kind of, you know, moved outside of that circle and you learned a lot, right?

Had you not, you might have never been in the place that you are. So you just need, if this is a goal for your mother, whether you will, you know, you think she should know better or not, introduce her to other points of view that aren't your own. You know how know you think she should know better or not introduce her to other points of view that aren't your own you know how sometimes when you argue with your boyfriend or girlfriend and you like say the same thing over and over and like they never listen to

you and then some fucking stranger comes out and echoes like like days later like some advice to the to you or your boyfriend or and they take it and you're like you know what the stranger said to me and they said it's such an articulate way that it finally made sense. You're like, I've fucking been saying that over and over, but they just tune you out because you're just you. They need to hear it from a fresh perspective, right? So what I'm saying is I think your mom just needs to really empathize and learn from people like your friend and get to know them on the human level and try to slowly understand you may never get her to like vote your way right but you might over time get her to slowly see what her vote and what she says and what she posts represents right what it really how it comes across and it's not going

to happen overnight you know it's really not and it's probably not going happen from you. It's going to happen from people that you might introduce her to that have other points of view so they can really see what it feels like to read some of the things that she posts and that she supports, especially when she's sitting down with people like your friend. She sees you and she's like, well, this is my daughter. And if it's okay for me, it's okay for her. You know, she sees you as a continuation of herself, your friend, who's a very different life choices and comes from a different, you know, background and literally a different country and has a different sexual orientation. She doesn't really know them. You know, she hasn't, you know what I'm saying? Like

really know them. And I think you just have to try to change their perspective on various topics that don't you know don't immediately bring up you know who she's voting for you know like every time you bring like a a conversation around say sexual orientation or or where your friends from or or social issues don't immediately be like well see the person you vote for doesn't represent that because then they will immediately turn off what they're the focus on. Let them focus on the topics. Let them focus on what it really means, you know, and then let them be like, well, I guess, yeah, maybe, you know, like it's got a slow process. People don't like change their beliefs overnight. You know, if you really want to do that, that's the best. That's the only way that I know of, right? And it is your family. With people like, you know,

that you're not friends with and, you know, you don't want to get to know them and they have a different belief system, that's fine. You don't have, you know, you can ignore them. You can unfollow them. You can block them. Great. But this is your mom. So... Yeah. That's why I feel like I always need to like be monitoring. And so as far as like posting goes, like, yeah, she'll post a bunch of political stuff, but she just is an overshare in general whenever it comes to social media. And so I don't know what the best way to go about being like, maybe you should not share. Well, you can't listen.

It's just not going to do you any good. So just let it be? If your goal is to repair this relationship with your mom, telling her to stop posting things that she thinks are righteous, right or wrong, is not going to help. You can't tell her what to do. She doesn't want to hear it from you. That's for sure.

And I'm not saying she's right. I'm just saying that's this is not going to help right so yeah you're going to have to bite your tongue to a certain degree again like you you got to stop making it about the thing like the politics of it all and like you believe in what you believe because you believe like what she is posting represents a certain thing, right? So focus on the thing that it's representing. You know, again, your friend, the immigrant friend who's gay, who has, you know, who you feel like, you know, she by doing and posting the things she does is marginalizing your friend and the things that he stands for. Focus on that and don't immediately start being like,

see, you know, this is why you're wrong. Just let her come, hopefully, to that realization over time on her own. Because she's gonna continue to understand more and more other people's points of views, and how they think, and how they feel, and how the world affects them when things happen, right? And have her continue

to hear other people's stories. You know, you, you, you can't let your mom realize that you're trying to, you know, you're trying to educate her on more worldviews, right? If she thinks that that's what you're trying to do, she'll, she'll tune you out. I'm thankful to have the family and the parents that I have that maybe it's because they had so many damn kids that, you know, more than half of them have more progressive, right, points of view. And my parents haven't completely changed their perspective, but they have gotten a lot more open-minded through like learning through their kids. It's still a two against one in your family. Unfortunately, you're still outnumbered. But nonetheless,, it wasn't because we told our parents they were stupid or wrong or et cetera, et cetera. It was that they've met so many different types of people through the people their kids have introduced them to, their other points of view and things like that.

It just kind of opened up their mind. I mean, I don't really expect her to ever really change her views. It's just I just want her to see how she's coming off. And I think that we need to have more in-person conversations as opposed to me texting her being like, can you please never, literally never going to work. Yeah. It's just so tough. Cause we both get, we all, we both always get so heated because we're both so passionate about things and, and it's just, it's just not been a cute look. Yeah. Well, I mean, it can happen. I mean, it happened with my parents, but it took time, you know, but telling him,

made him making them feel stupid and wrong has never worked for anyone. You know, it doesn't work in relationships of any kind, whether it's romantic or your parents it's allowing them to get the place on their own and introducing the new ideas and you know that that's all you can really do so i mean that's a good reminder that i need to constantly tell myself like being right doesn't necessarily fix the family dynamic. And families can get together without always it being brought up. And if you could, you just do your part by over time, slowly just trying to get them to kind of soften their point of view by introducing the new ideas.

And that's really the only way it's gonna going to happen but you know being bitter or being just like them or arguing and acting like you're right and they're stupid you know like both sides do is never solved any problems so you have to try to at least with your mother and you know hopefully your brother find a common ground yeah we'll see i don't even know when the next time i'm gonna see my brother is we're just like so opposite we didn't even do holidays together this past year and so why don't you why don't you text your brother out of nowhere that you uh were thinking about him and that you love him and and well leave the conversation you know and just you can do you love your and, and leave the conversation, you know, and just, you can, do you love your brother? You know, you don't even have to like him, but you love him. God, it's tough. It's tough.

I know. I did. I did text him a couple of weeks ago because I wanted to try to mend things before Christmas and I was blocked. So A for effort. He blocked. Well, listen, you're going to have to kill him with kindness. Oh God, it that but it gets that mindset that you know allow is what has that divisiveness in families in our in in our world and uh at some point if we wanted to get it better we're gonna have to play the long game and and have conversations about topics and not immediately translate it to what that means politically or voting and make people feel stupid and things like that. Because you're a perfect example.

It's like you are still a product of your family and what you were raised. So you're not that different. You know what I'm saying? There are a lot of similarities, but somewhere along the line, you verged and found a new path and they stayed in the same path but they're not they're not incapable of finding a different path yeah I mean earlier you said that about if you would have

stayed and that honestly scares the hell out of me because what if I did stay I would probably be exactly like that but I'm just like how can i get them to see but but but light but yeah but that's what i'm saying is like people have to usually find them on their own sometimes you can you know crack open a few doors or windows but you can't push them through it you know they're gonna have to you know through curiosity or or you know being introduced maybe you know open the door a little bit more but eventually they're the ones we actually have to go through it on their own because no one likes to be feel like they're forced to an environment they don't want to be in. They're not receptive to it. All right. Well, that is a lot to think about. Really appreciate your help.

Best of luck. You're going to have to, you know, it's okay to love your family, even though you don't like them or disagree with them. And i would encourage you to let them know how much you love them and i would encourage you to stop fighting with them about things that you know you disagree on good tips and you know just stay off facebook that'll be my number one all right okay i'm sure you're not i'm sure you're not the only one of your friends whose parents are posting things your friends group don't agree with. Oh, yeah. And thank God I have like a little group, like a support group of friends who have parents who do the same stupid shit. Yeah.

But stop telling your parents that they're stupid. Okay. All right. You can do this over time. Please, God. All right. Best of luck. Take care.

All right. Thanks. Bye-bye. Well, guys, thanks for listening. A fun episode. Appreciate all the people calling in. Don't forget to send in your questions at asknickatcastme.com. Cast with a K.

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