The Viall Files - E230 Ask Nick - You’re Not His Mom

Episode Date: February 1, 2021

On todays episode of the Ask Nick we begin with someone who is miserable in her marriage and keeps putting the needs of her husband before her own and doesn’t know how to express what she needs.  Next we speak with someone who started dating a girl she liked but let her feelings from her past relationship get in the way of that. Once she resolved those past feelings she realized she wanted the girl she had let go of.  Her boyfriend’s lack of motivation in his career and her inability to predict the future and get out of her head, has this caller trying to be every other role in her boyfriends life but the supportive girlfriend.   Last we speak with a women who is wondering if she should stay in her first relationship for the experience of having it, knowing there is an expiration date on it and not a relationship she sees having long term.  “Remind yourself how miserable you are in the situation you are un willing to give up.“ Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.    THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Figs: http://www.wearfigs.com/ use promo code VIALL15 at checkout for 15% off your first order. Brooklinen: http://www.brooklinen.dot use promo code VIALL for $25 off when you spend $100 or more.  Modern Fertility : http://modernfertility.com/VIALL for $20 off.   Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

you're crazy what's going on everybody welcome to another episode of the vile files ask nick edition i'm your host nick and i am with a bunch of people, including Chrissy and the Social Syndicate and a bunch of callers who I'm pretty confident I saved their lives. I don't know. You do. Did I? I don't know. Every single person who calls in, it's like life saving. Should get you a shirt. Very gracious. But I can't thank them enough for taking the time to share their stories.

It's not easy to do. It's vulnerable. It's scary. Sometimes we don't like the answers that we give, but we know deep down it's what we need to do. And I hope you guys are enjoying listening to them. Don't forget to send in your questions at asknickatcastmedia.com.

We know everyone has problems. Yeah. So feel free to share. Feel free to post. And then you get to talk to me when you email us. A lot going on. We have a wonderful Bachelor recap coming up with the wonderful Rachel Harris. You might know her from the very hit show on Netflix, Lucifer.

She was in the Hangover movie. Wonderfully funny, hysterical, also a big Bachelor fan. She helps break down the Bachelor with us. And on Wednesday, get ready for Kelly Mee Lee from the hit show Bling Empire. It's a reality TV version of Crazy Rich Asians. Yeah, it's the Netflix version of Crazy Rich Asians. It's wonderful.

It's wild. It's nuts. You'll love it. You have to ask Nick her. We're going to have some fun for her with her uh all things uh bling bling all things bling bling so be sure to check that out make sure to follow us on social don't forget our merch don't forget our don't forget we have merch vilefalls.com uh hoodies t-shirts, breakup books we're going to spice it up a little bit so check out the website

we're going to be dropping new merch all the time, be looking out for that other than that send those questions, always like to remind our Ask Nick people, go ahead and give us some five stars, go ahead and send us some reviews, it's not hard, really appreciate it just click a button, just know that

when you're giving us the five stars, I'm thinking of you. And if I could, I'd give you a warm embrace and just say thank you. How's it going? Question time with me. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name?

My name is Victoria and I am 33. Hi, Victoria. How can I help? Well, I'm calling in about my marriage. We have been married for nearly 10 years. And we are just in a really bad spot. Honestly, a little bit of backstory. We met when I was 22, married at 23. And everything was pretty great. We were best friends. And during our dating life, I did notice some red flags, but I kind of looked past them, got married and things kind of fell apart pretty quickly with my family. My mom passed away. We had a miscarriage and then three years of infertility. So everything was pretty rocky for the most part. Now it's just, you know, we have a five and a three-year-old and we're not connected at all.

Do you remember any good times? Yes, I do. Like I said, we had a great dating, you know, beginning, but we were kind of always on two different schedules. I worked a lot of nights. He worked a lot of days. So we really were intentional about the time that we spent together. But at the same token, we, um, I think we became like our own identity and not so much as a couple. So we forgot how to be a

couple, I guess, until I moved jobs. And then, you know, and then we didn't really know how to be together all the time. Obviously, you've been married for 10 years. And it sounds like you guys had your prom. So like, what's prompting you to call in now? And what specific questions that you you have that maybe I could have an opinion on other than like, you know. There's a lot of different things that we don't really agree on. Parenting style, religion now has been an issue for us. That's a new issue? I'm a Catholic.

Not so much practicing anymore, but my's my faith is pretty big deal to me. He had voiced at the beginning before we had kids, before we got married, that he was interested in that part of my life. But that, you know, he would accept it. He would be supportive of it. And as the years have gone on, not very supportive. What do you describe not supportive um like if i mention um to the kids about my mom uh being in heaven sorry i get a little emotional when i talk about her but he's like well there is no heaven. So he doesn't just let it slide? No.

Even in conversations with family or friends, he'll kind of make jokes about it. He just doesn't believe in God at all. Okay. So he's kind of passive aggressive about it, thinks it's kind of funny. So he's saying is it a joke i mean does he have like an actual problem with your kids believing in the possibility of a higher power i really believe so but he's never actually voiced it okay well i mean what do you like where are you at right now like what you know it sounds like you're not happy in your marriage and you're considering your options yeah or yeah i'm really tossing um i'm really tossing the divorce idea at

this point what what's stopping you i mean from the obvious of you know hey divorce is difficult there's a financial component there's obviously the family component of your kids but what are there specific reasons why you would stay versus go i mean this sounds like a weighing the pros and cons situation so when i dig deep into it a lot of it is like the unknown of like being a single mom um the financial aspect of it because we've built a pretty good financial life together. No debt. We never wanted the finances to be an issue in our marriage. So we've been pretty good about that part. But separately, it would be hard for me to be a parent on my own and still have the things that my kids that i want for my kids so if you got divorced he would stop being like do you have very little expectations on his ability

to co-parent in a in a separation situation i do um because he can be very cold um even in arguments if i'm like hey can we talk about this? He's like, no, I don't, I don't really want to talk about it. What's he do now? I mean, the way you're describing him, he sounds like a total dead, deadbeat. Like what, I mean, is there. So the great things about him, he's a great father. Um, he's, he's very. He is a great father. So if you got separated, you think you'd stop being a great father um he's he's very he is a great father so if you got separated you think you'd stop being a great father no but i think he would make it harder on me he would make it very

difficult for me to be happy do you think without him do you think he is is he aware of your disappointment in the relationship yes does he care it's a lot of it's very like um he has a lot of issues with me and i have a lot of issues with him but i'm willing to talk about them and he's not really wanting to talk about them or wanting to try to get better in those areas so i'm very open to his feedback um a lot of his big things was you know he works more than I do hours wise so he wants me to do more around the house more cooking more cleaning so that way he can have his relaxing time he made it uh very clear to me over the last month that he's very unhappy with our sex life okay um and there's not a lot of like great feedback that i get from him most days okay well i mean listen it i it sounds like you guys

aren't obviously communicating effectively i i can't imagine guy or girl two people who would want to put themselves in such a miserable situation. I mean, you sound miserable. I am, but he's very comfortable in the life that he's built. So he's not miserable in the sense of like he likes the idea of our family, but he's not really willing to put the work in for it. So is he fully aware of how miserable you are um he doesn't know that i'm like on the breaking point okay well that might

might be time to make him aware i guess that's kind of part of the issue is i don't know how to voice that because i'm very nurturing i care care deeply about him because I've put his needs before mine for so long. I don't know how to break that barrier. I guess I don't have a specific answer or like an exercise you can do, but I think you just need to start prioritizing your needs. I mean, it's just one of those things where you can't help how you feel, right? Like right now, look at, I mean, you mean, you sound miserable, sad. I don't know how you are when you're not talking about it with friends. I suspect if you have a girlfriend or a friend or a relative that you have

or is a confidant that you talk about too, you probably sound the same. But I think it's at this point you're running out of options to try to mask your feelings. I mean, you just got to be honest with the guy and make it very clear i mean what you're only 33 you know yeah you can't be miserable for that much longer without you know you're just going to reach a breaking point don't give him things he doesn't deserve at this point it's never a bad time to support your health care professionals in your life. And whether it's there's a pandemic or not.

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So it's 2021. Rich and Vicky. Yeah. Rich and Vicky. They're crazy. Crazy, crazy, crazy cats doing crazy guarantees. But you know what? It's to your benefit. And in 2021, do something nice for yourself and start the new year right by adding some Brooklinen in your life. Go to Brooklinen.com and use promo code V-I-A-L and get $25 off when you spend $100 or more plus free shipping. That is B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com and enter code V-I-A-L-L to get $25 off when you spend $100 or more plus free shipping. brooklinen.com and use promo code V-I-A-L-L at checkout. I wouldn't spend a lot of energy trying to pretend you don't feel a certain way, you know, or hide your feelings. If he you know, when you when he brought up he wasn't happy with your sex life. Did you guys have a conversation about that or did you just leave the room?

And, you know, I imagine how that might hurt your feelings. Like, how'd that go? It did hurt my feelings, of course. How'd that go? It did hurt my feelings, of course. But I guess over the years, he had mentioned things about things he liked, things he didn't like. And I remembered them, accepted them. And, you know, we just didn't really revisit them. And when I mean like things like lingerie or dress up or like things like that, he doesn't really, it wasn't a thing for him. Now his thing is, well, you don't dress up for me.

You don't spice things up very often. I guess I took it more to the other, like to the extreme kind of where I thought that he did or didn't like something. And now he's saying he does. Over the years when I've asked him, do you like this? Do you don't like this? Are you satisfied with this? Everything was just okay. He didn't really voice any concern until now, whenever, you know, I'm starting to open up

more to him, telling him more of how i feel going through my therapy um and dealing with my anxiety and depression i have to unfold these things you know um and he's just not comfortable listening to a lot of it um so with our when i'm going back to our sex life, I just feel like I'm not satisfying him at all when we're having sex. Does he is he satisfying you? No. So I guess I'm just, you know, with these questions I'm asking you, how long can you guys keep doing this, both you and him? I mean, it just sounds like for me, I've been in relationships certainly not a decade long where i you know you're not happy and maybe you reach a point where just like you both realize you're miserable and then you try to address it and try to make it

work and see if you can fix the problem if not your relationship ends but like you're married or not kids or not you guys are both human and you're just you're going to reach a breaking point of being miserable and i can't i just can't imagine the way the way you sound or the way you feel that he can be this oblivious to how miserable you are unless you are hiding it or putting on a good face and if he is the type of person who truly just doesn't give a shit then that's your answer it's sad as difficult as it might be um yeah i i hear what you're saying i mean you said to me you're afraid of how how difficult he might make your life if you decided to ask for devoyish and again i'm only going on by what i'm hearing now how much more difficult or miserable could you be if you had your freedom or or left a toxic situation where you felt like someone didn't

give a shit about your feelings or didn't hear you out or wasn't interested in your happiness i mean the possibly even just being single and just knowing that you had the possibilities of meeting someone new is a more exciting uh frame of mind and then yeah you know there's a good chance he is you know exes can be bitter and petty especially early on you know might be frustrated and he'll have to try to get over that and if he's the worst case scenario he just continues to be a dick which sucks i mean but at least you that will only be a part of your life now it's all of your life now it's where you go home you know you're the place your home that which should be the most safe the safest and most relaxing kind of sanctuary is probably a place where you were you avoid going or you get

anxiety or you're just like oh my he's home from work like uh now we're gonna well and that's kind of part of the problem is i work from home take care of my kids from home take care of him from home I think whenever I leave the house I feel almost free I don't enjoy coming back home I don't enjoy when the kids are gone because I I have to be with him more than I actually like to be with him because I'm so afraid of what's going to happen. Is there going to be an argument? Are we not going to enjoy our time together? I put all these high expectations for me to make it better.

And I don't feel like it's being reciprocated most days. it's being reciprocated most days. Yeah. I mean, you're just going to have to come to a realization and decide, is there a chance to fix this relationship to what you're describing now? It doesn't sound like there is. You're describing a situation where you know you're miserable and you don't even know how much effort you're willing to put in anymore. Regardless of that, the way you see it,

he's not interested at all of addressing anything. I mean, I don't know how he could be comfortable with this environment, but it sounds like you think he is. And if that's how you feel, then I don't like, it doesn't matter how badly you want to make this work. If he's not interested in fixing anything, it's never going to get better. So if that's, if that's the case, then you need to need to decide whether you know and it's the answer is there's nothing to decide i mean you can't stay in this environment for that much longer i mean you're just you know once you've planted that seed in your head of maybe wanting a divorce it's not going to since the situation is not going to get better your your desire to maybe

have some freedom isn't going to change it's only going to grow yeah my question now is isn't going to change. It's only going to grow. Yeah. My question now is, how do I bring these feelings up to him other than just being so blunt and on it? I mean, yeah, I don't obviously don't want to hurt his feelings, but well, you might, you might have to, I mean, if anything, if there's a chance of him doing anything, it sounds like, and I think this is fairly common is that he's gotten so comfortable, he ultimately doesn't really respect or consider your feelings as that important. He kind of dismisses them or blows them off or just assumes you'll get over it. From what you're describing, he doesn't sound like he's afraid that he's going to lose you or you're going to be gone, that he has gotten comfortable with your caregiving mentality.

And so if he's ever going to change, you're going to have to scare the shit out of him. You know, you have to make him believe that you might you're actually at the end of your rope. So I think you shouldn't worry about hurting his feelings. You're not doing it to hurt his feelings. You're not doing it to be mean. You're just being honest. And if it happens to hurt his feelings, well, then that might be the one thing that sparks

some real change. I wouldn't get your hopes up, but I wouldn't be afraid to hurt his feelings. If being honest with your feelings about how you feel and what you're not receiving in a relationship hurts their feelings, then that's his problem. Especially if he's not willing to do about it. You're not saying it in a cruel way. You're basically begging and pleading with him i want to make this work you know but i hear our needs and do you want it sounds like have you presented the possibility of couple therapy to him i mean it's not and he's yeah i have i've

mentioned you know like i'm unhappy i'm unhappy with how we are as a couple and he says what and he when i mentioned marriage counseling he's like i don't we don't need marriage counseling well it's not really for him to decide i mean in a sense he can just if he he can say you don't but if one party in a relationship thinks they need uh relationship counseling then the relationship needs it okay two people have to decide that they don't need it and they could still be wrong but if one person thinks they you know the the relationship is struggling to the point where they need a third party to maybe help then that's what the relationship needs because one person can't just dismiss the other person's feelings about the state of a relationship i mean

they certainly can but doesn't make them right and so you just be like well if you need to make that clear like okay he's he's dismissing your feelings once again and well i'm miserable i've been miserable we can't work you you seem disinterested in doing this and you could be like well maybe you're not hearing me maybe i'm not articulating it a certain way but either way i i don't want to keep feeling this way but again he i he i don't think he ever really believes you're going to leave so he's not taking your feelings seriously so being honest is what you really need to do and and not worrying about hurting his feeling is what you really need to do because you've been avoiding that. I have for many years. Just kind of put my feelings aside for him for so long that I don't know how to bring mine up to the table most days. I think work with your therapist

or something, but you're going to have to. I mean, what do you have to lose at this point? with your therapist or or something but you're gonna have to i mean what do you have to lose at this point um nothing really yeah i mean other than my comfortable lifestyle that we live i don't really have it doesn't sound that doesn't sound that comfortable i mean how how how comfortable can you be when you you know sound like this you sound miserable i am so and i've been in relationships where i'm fucking miserable and that sucks you just wake up every day you're just like oh today so you wake up you want today to be over with because like that person's just there and you've tried and you're just like you don't get along and you just you kind of hate each other i have just been pretending for so long i think that's what it comes down to is just I've been trying to just seem happy, seem interested because it's just what he needs.

I think you need to stop saying that to yourself. And if that's what's really going on, then you just need to stop doing that. You know what he needs or caring about him. Like you're not his mom, you know? So stop acting like his mom. And I think you need to kind of hold yourself more accountable that way. Because if you can't make excuses for him or, or, Oh, I don't want to hurt his feelings. You just, just be honest. It's all you can really do at this point.

And I'm sorry you're going through it and it sucks but uh they're if get yourself out of the situation you know maybe give it a last ditch kind of effort you know bring up therapy again make it very clear that if he's unwilling to make it work then it's over like now do you think it's over or you know just this is where you stand. And he might make threats and throw a temper tantrum. And that's fine. You know, you'll make it work. People do get divorced.

It sucks. It can be a very difficult time in someone's life. I understand that. But people do get through it and they do get over it. And, you know, it might take some time. But maybe in two years you can be in a much better situation if you do something about it. In two years, if you stick with him and you guys do nothing about it, you'll be exactly like this, maybe more miserable. You said something that really kind of hit home was he's not probably afraid of losing me at this point because he doesn't think that I'll ever leave him. Well, there you go.

I mean, he's giving you all the clues's he's leaving you the breadcrumbs i think you just need to find some courage and some strength to to do it and i know it's scary but you know and hopefully you have a support system or friends or or families to to you know get you through that. Um, cause yeah, it can be scary and you'll feel lonely, but you're already alone right now. I mean, I, you know, every time you get scared of losing this situation, just remind yourself how miserable you are in the situation. You're afraid to give up.

You're right. I just need to, I just need to be a big girl and do what I need to do. Yeah, you do. And it sucks and I'm sorry, but it's kind of what you need to do. Okay. So one other question for you then, when I do tell him this, and I do mention couples counseling again, if he dismisses it or if he accepts it, how do I completely owe myself to fixing the problem if he's actually willing to do the work? Because I'm so unhappy now.

Well, I mean, if you're not, well, don't make it, don't offer him the opportunity to fix it if you're already checked out. You decide for yourself. And if you're willing to make it work, then see if he is but hold him accountable you know so basically stop giving him the upper hand and making those decisions you know start start making your feelings a priority okay okay all right thank you i appreciate it best of luck take care thank you all right right. Bye bye. All you family planners out there, if you're looking to put a baby in the oven, Modern Fertility is here to help. 2021. What else are you doing but stay at home and doing it? It's always a good time of the new year to do a health check. And for the people who are

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Nice to meet you, Sarah. How old are you? I am 25. Awesome. How can I help? I wrote about a situation with this girl, and I have some more clarity on the situation, but I kind of want to get your take on it and how to put what I'm thinking into practice. All right. Well, let's hear it. Let's hear the story. What's going on? Okay. So last August, I was going out with this girl a couple of times

and I had recently gotten out of a relationship and sort of my first big heartbreak. So I wasn't really in a place to date or I figured that out. Um, but the girl I was dating, um, the new girl, she, um, was pretty much what I was looking for and like what I considered long-term. Uh, so I didn't, I, once I figured out that I just wasn't in the space to date, um, I didn't want to go any further with her and fuck around with her. Cause I was like, kind of, she had potential. So I kind of, I guess wanted to keep her in my back pocket. Time goes on and we kind of decide we're just going to be friends and time goes on. And I ended up meeting my ex and getting a lot of closure from that situation. What do you mean? Like you met someone who then you started dating and then they're now your

ex or you like ran into the heartbreak girl, the heartbreak girl. So she wanted to meet up for drinks and I foolishly said yes. And just got a lot of closure from that and realized I was totally, I had been hung up on her and couldn't really see the potential that was in front of me with this new girl. And so with the new girl, we stayed friends. And then in that, when I met up with the ex and got that closure, that was, I think in November, late November, right before Thanksgiving. And so that was a positive conversation. Like you, you went and met up and you felt like it wasn't. So why do you say you got closure from it?

Um, I guess it wasn't a positive, like I had, I was pretty bottled up about how I felt about this situation and kind of like got really upset. It was positive in that I realized I was better off without that girl in my life why is it anything but positive then I mean you got clarity clarity is one of the best things you can get out of any conversation whether it's with someone you're dating or with someone you used to date or not dating I mean it stings a little bit sometimes but really frees us up. Okay. I agree that it's definitely bad for your ego. Good for your soul. Yes. Clarity.

It didn't, it didn't take away the pain or the sting of it, but I was much more able to move on and not romanticize that old relationship. That sounds like an excellent conversation that you had. Yes. All right. So I only point that out because I think when you tell that story even to yourself or other people, I think it's important for you to just call it positive. Think of it as positive and don't let your ego think of it as like a not a great conversation or a disappointing conversation. a not a great conversation or a disappointing conversation. I think you, the way you frame it to yourself plays a big role in how you, you know, think about it, interpret it and, and, uh, how you can check your ego. So, yeah, that's true. That's true. And so that conversation

was the like impetus for me to reach out to this other girl, um, who I kind of put on my the back burner and I shot my shot and it went okay she was sort of in a new situation with another girl but that's murky because this girl is quote unquote straight and like trying to figure it out so to me I was like if I can slide back into that situation maybe like she'll choose me kind of a thing the one you see life partner potential with is someone that she hasn't totally identified herself as being gay no she is but she meanwhile I had said no to her she kind of started something else with someone else it was a guy a new girl there's a lot of players in the game all right so the person you saw potential with that person is gay she is gay yes and you shot your shot with her

and what happened basically she said really if if there wasn't a question mark with the other girl she would totally date me that she had been really into me the first time we dated and was actually pretty disappointed when i had shut that down okay um so so you you approached her you kind of shot your shot and she said, you're great. And I otherwise would, but I'm kind of seeing someone else and I want to see where that goes before I do anything with anyone else. Right. Yes. Okay.

And then, and then what? The last time we talked, we met up for a drink and she drove me back to my car and afterwards like we kept the conversation pretty platonic but then afterwards I was like I texted her and I said you know hey even though we kept everything pretty platonic our conversation I like really wanted to kiss you at the end and she and I said I don't know if that's stupid and then she called me up and was like no that's not stupid I felt the same way like and she was saying that obviously like we still have chemistry so there was a really strong potential from my end of thinking if I can hang around like because also the girl that she's dating is not in the same city so I'm here I'm like out I'm we already have like some mutual friends like okay

initially my thought was out of sight out of mind for that other girl i'm here and now if i just make myself available i guess like maybe she'll see what's kind of in front of her being me and you're wondering is that your question like whether you have the right game plan for this person is that your big goal you want to figure out how to date this you're this person this girl what do you want forget about how you go about it. What do you want? If I were a genie and I said, yeah, I got some free time today.

When it comes to your relationship life, I'm here to grant any wish that you want. What would you say to me? I mean, I think I would want to try and date her. I think I'm a little bit tired. But again, if I were- The uncertainty of it. Okay, That's fine. If you're exhausted, I think you need to start, you know, figuring out what you want, you know, again,

I don't care. So you should just tell me the truth, like about what you want. Right. And if you are just exhausted and there's your answer, maybe it just kind of like, well, as far as this girl goes in reality, she is giving you an answer. it doesn't matter if there's chemistry it doesn't matter if she would have wanted to kiss you if she you know her honest answer was i'm in this situation right now and i want to see it through and i want to make this other person a bigger priority right now than i'm willing to make you one right this idea that well she like we we do this sometimes we'll then all of a sudden feel like the friend or the parent to this person and we'll start nitpicking the relationship that they have what we think they have well this person lives far away and i'm right here why would they want a long-distance relationship when they can have a short-term relationship with someone as great as

me you know so i'll just remind them that I'm available. That's not the way to do it. She knows that she likes you. You've put it out there. You've communicated it. That's great. And now what you should do is move on and live your life, not be available. You definitely do not want to let her know that you're waiting.

to let her know that you're waiting. Because if you let someone know that they're waiting, they'll tend to let you wait until it's convenient for them. So you'll just give her more permission to see this through with this other person. And then if it doesn't work out with them, you'll get this call six months from now. Hey, what are you up to? Let's get a grab a drink.

You know? But in the meantime, you should go. Anyone you date from now, what are you up to? Let's get a grab a drink, you know? But in the meantime, you should go, anyone you date right now, anyone you get to know, uh, they'll probably not hear of it. And if they do, it's not going to make them like you less. It'll make them like you more though. They'll get a little jealous and they'll maybe be like, they'll be afraid of losing a good thing. Who knows? But the fact that you're exhausted,

you know, great. You can, there's nothing to do anyways. You got your answer. So you definitely should stop thinking of ways of trying to change their mind. Yeah. Because like that's making you exhausted, right? It sounds like.

And it's making you question yourself and then your ego's wondering why you're not good enough. And, you know, timing. You were caught up in this other person. You weren't ready to date this new person. New person started dating someone else. You shot yourself with a new person.

It wasn't the right time. And who knows? Maybe they need to see this through. And if you both find yourself to be single in six months then maybe you guys will see where this goes there's nothing to beat yourself up over it you know i don't you didn't do anything wrong you know if they were that into you then they would have you would have gotten an answer that you wanted i guess my other question would be i sort of introduced her to my friend group she doesn't have a lot of like gay people and like gay community so I was like sure you can come along like you know I was fine with her being

around if I had invited her then this is might be selfish I mean because I want her to have friends and people she can relate to but I don't know how to go about like because i don't want to hear about her relationship so she's in your finger like yes essentially not like really because the pandemic but you're very unclear with everything yeah she gets invited to things and again i'm not even like going i'm not doing much because of the pandemic but I see that people hang out and I see she's there and I'm like those are my friends and like I don't know you send some text messages this is a conversation between you and the new new girl that you like yeah and that was sort of after trying to say again how much of a how comfortable I am with her because I

say something like um you know I don't I'm not very honest or vulnerable uh easily like my communication is bad honestly I can tell and so yeah I have way too many thoughts to put them into words like concisely. Could be something you could practice on, you know, just say what you feel, stop, stop discounting your feelings. It sounds like you do that a lot where you'll have a thought and be, and then you'll be in the middle of saying something and you'll, you know, kind of judge your own thoughts and feelings. Just say it. Just put it out there.

Yeah. Maybe this last person stung you a little bit. I think that was a good exercise for you. Again, I think that was great clarity and closure even though it didn't go your way. And here you are. You're like you're already moved on to someone else. How bad was that? This past relationship, you dread having a conversation

i don't doubt that a lot of things were said that you didn't want to hear in the moment but you're you survived it and you even had even like someone else you know yeah you got over it pretty quickly to be honest you wrote i know i kind of said this before but i really appreciate the communication we've had we've had or do have. It's been honest, and that type of honesty hasn't felt like I had to work really hard to pull it out of me. It comes much more naturally. Just want to say I appreciate that. She says, hey, absolutely.

And the road goes both ways. Thank you for exactly the same thing. You've been nothing but transparent with me from the beginning, and that's just really where, so know that I don't take that lightly. Yeah, just that message alone sounds like they like you, but they're just trying to be nice. And then you wrote, I think that in part, you set the precedent for being honest.

You're trying to add to it. Because this is like, you're like, no, I really like you. Yeah, I know. I tried to shoot my shot again. Yeah, you can tell. I think that in the part you set the precedent of being honest with your feelings too. So thank you for that. I know good communication doesn't come naturally for me so it's rare that i feel that way just saw that you said that was rare too haha it's okay we both know how much we love bud words so

cry face emoji i mean you know it just comes from a place of respect and care for you as a person. And I'm really glad you felt comfortable enough that you can tell me how you feel. And you're right. I mean, to be honest, I think it's a unique situation, my honesty. So it just kind of comes from a deeper place for me potentially. Regardless, there's not many people I think have a connection with, and that's not lost on me. Yeah. You keep saying the same thing over and over and she keeps saying the same thing over and

over. You're just like, Hey, you're special to me. I can't, you're trying to tell her that, uh, she brings out the best of you and you want to be next to her because you feel safer around than anyone else. And she's like, thanks for letting me know. That sounds really nice. I want to say something nice in return. She doesn't know what else to say but it's pretty clear yeah she's just not in the right place to be in a relationship with you right now she's either

not interested in you you at all or or she's just more interested in someone else so i think you just need to let go of that i think these are fine these are great interactions in terms of like you know dating's hard and and she's just one person i mean does she really she that easy to communicate with compared to someone else or is she just different than the other girl who you really had a crush on and kind of broke your heart i think it's probably that the second but it's just a big contrast to that girl which it was just like horrible conversations or communication so yeah i'm probably a little bit giving this girl too much credit probably i think you know since you are single right you it's a great opportunity to work on how you communicate with people you're doing a good job you know put it out there you did a good job i wouldn't regret saying how you felt i wouldn't regret telling you your vulnerability these are another another excellent example of of you being honest not getting what

you want and surviving it i think you just kind of almost need to change your perspective on some of these honest conversations and vulnerability that you're showing with people, and you can almost see it as a failure or you see it as something that didn't go the way you hoped, and yet these are kind of positive moments for you. Yeah, I think it's been a learning lesson on rejection, and I think that's been a good thing. As far as her being your friend group, I think you need to stop telling her how great she is.

I wouldn't be difficult. I wouldn't be mean. But don't let her think that you're waiting around. You know, start dating. You know, be very chill. Be very casual with her. And she knows where to find you. You've made it very clear that you are into her.

You don't need to keep saying it or reminding her. And I wouldn't, you know, in a month be like, just, you know, feel the same way. You've made it very clear that you are into her. You don't need to keep saying it or reminding her. And I wouldn't, you know, in a month be like, just, you know, feel the same way. Okay. I won't check in on how her relationship is. Definitely don't do that. Don't pretend to be her friend. Yeah.

You're not interested in being her friend. So don't lie to her about that. You know, you've been very good about being direct. Don't go back on it. Don't pretend. So, all right. Okay. All right.

Best of luck. Thank you. Appreciate it. Yeah, bye-bye. How's it going? Hey, it's Rachel 26. Hi, Rachel. How can I help?

So I am mostly calling for a little perspective on kind of the situation I'm in with my boyfriend right now. Okay. We've been together almost a year. So we started dating not too long before the start of lockdown. So most of our relationship has been a quarantine sort of situation. And I think what I'm starting to notice is that we're at different points in our life. Not so dramatically, but just to give a little perspective, we're about the same age. We're only a few months apart. Okay.

And I think when we were quarantining together, we both weren't really working. And so it was really fun. And I was in school. So that's why I wasn't working. And he lost his job to the pandemic. So that's why he wasn't working. And it was just like fun and rainbows. And we could spend every day together. I think around six months though, like six months in, when I graduated, I kind of started noticing like, okay, I gotta, you know, I gotta figure this thing out. What am I going to do? Am I leased up? Where am I going to go? I need money, stuff like that. And I kind of noticed that my boyfriend wasn't having that, that same

kind of momentum of like trying to figure stuff out. And so now we're a few months later and I'm realizing that he's, he's finally started making a plan of like what he wants to do with his life. But I feel like it only came from me seriously asking him multiple times, like, dude, what, what the hell's going on? Like, and so he's able to do that, because he has family support. And he does work a few, like he does work part time a few hours here and there. But I'm kind of getting to this point where, like, I have a job now, I have benefits and stuff like that. And I'm kind of noticing, like, are we just completely incompatible in the things that we want? And I really just have this fear that he the only reason he's seriously considering his career and life stuff now is because I was like, dude, what the hell's going on? You haven't been working for, you know, the greater part of a year. Like, what do you want to do? And so I guess it's just need perspective on

how to handle the situation. Cause now I'm getting to the point where I'm getting a little bit of like a control freak where every time he asked me for advice I'm kind of like just let me do it because now I'm at the point where I don't really I don't want to say I don't have faith but I I'm kind of losing faith that he's gonna like move at the pace that I would want him to it sounds like maybe there's like a bigger issue than just his lack of motivation you know what we're because the job part is like one thing right you know and and he can also be insecure about losing his job and and sometimes we are surprised by how people react you you know you're it sounds like you would be the type of person who's like well if i'm going to be insecure

about if i lost my job i'm going to do a bunch of things of put myself in a situation to get a new job. And that makes a lot of sense. But some people kind of do it differently. easier to pretend they don't want a job or they're just using this time for themselves or to focus on a new relationship rather than you know put themselves out there and try to find a new job only to get rejected again so there's there's that too so he's going through something so that's it would be normal for him to maybe like handle this stressful time in a way that might be different than how you might handle it so that's just a different kind of how they, how he processes his feelings. It's good that you're self-aware in the sense that maybe you're reacting to his struggle in a way that you don't, you don't even know is the healthiest approach.

Getting frustrated with him or dismissive or acting like, you know, saying, well, let me just do it. And when he's asking for advice is definitely not the way to go because you're discounting his ability. You're, you're, you're indirectly suggesting that you don't have faith in them. You know, more than anything, I think we want from our partners that people believe in us. Like if I were, you know, you're dating someone and you're, you're just like, there's being lazy. And then there's just like, well, you don't think I can actually do this. So that's why you're doing someone and you're you're just like there's being lazy and then there's just like well you don't think i can actually do this so that's why you're doing it if he doesn't feel like he you he believes in you then that that's going to be a big problem that's just

going to snowball to other problems and and then you know you guys will just separate but other than the job part and listen like we've said before, like someone's motivation is a quality that people are attracted to or not attracted to. Right. And if you are someone who finds motivated people attractive, then and he might just in general not be an overly motivated person. You know, maybe he you know, like I said, if his family comes from money, his sense of urgency just isn't there. Maybe he's just not your guy, you know, but you just have to decide, is this something he's going through or is this just kind of who he is? And that, yeah. And I think that's the fear because he just based off like how long he was in college

and different things, like he's really at the beginning of his career. So I don't really have a lot to draw back on like I don't have enough like data to say is this just a hard time in your life like we're all going through or is this is this how you are and I think like we have different backgrounds like I said he has family support and I think one of the things that I'm nervous about is that question, is he just going through something or is this the way he is? Because it kind of feels like maybe there's this value mismatch because I feel like I grew up where I had to figure things out and be financially independent at a much earlier age than he has had to. And it just makes me nervous that like, our priorities aren't aligned.

And so kind of the like meta issue that I'm running into is like, I understand there's a compatibility thing about motivation, whatever. But I'm feeling so anxious and insecure, you know, is this who he is? Or is this a moment that like, I can't even take the time to like evaluate if it's a compatibility thing, because I'm so anxious all the time, that like, everything is going to go wrong. And I'm going to, you know, I'm going to miss all of the signs. And so I just need a little perspective. I think the perspective thing is like, how do I get so out of how do I get out of my head long enough to see if this is a compatibility issue or if this is just like me kind of being a little controlling

because I'm in a moment of uncertainty? Well, there you go. Well, I think the perspective is like you're identifying maybe some of your shortcomings. It sounds like you recognize maybe your ability to come across as maybe a little controlling. I mean, you might be the dominant personality in the relationship.

And so just recognizing it allows you to, you know, hopefully stop doing that. You haven't been dating this guy this long, right? So you recognize that there might be things that you're seeing that don't necessarily define him as a person or the relationship. You recognize that this could be just a very unique period in your lives.

You got a pandemic. You get the fact that he lost his job. No one likes to lose their job. It's a very, it makes us feel very vulnerable. And when we're vulnerable, we have a hard time being ourselves. I think if you choose to date, continue to date your boyfriend, I think, yeah, try to chill out. You don't focus on your career.

It's still your career. You know, regardless of if you, if you work it out with this guy, you're not his mom, right? You're not his guidance counselor. You're not his mentor. So stop acting like all those things from time to time. It sounds like you recognize that you might have a tendency of doing it. Let him figure it out. If you're going to be his girlfriend, support him.

Tell him that you believe in him. Make him feel like you believe in him. You know, don't be his mom or his dad who like has a kid who comes home and is like, hey, dad, can you help me with your homework? And it's just easier for you to do their homework or something, you know, or your mom, you know, whatever it is, like just be his girlfriend. I don't care if you're a guy or a girl. We all like to feel like our partners believe in us and that they're there to support us.

If you ask for advice, give him the advice he's asking for and just stop. If he's asking you to listen, listen. And then focus on your career. And if you spend six more months in this relationship to get to know him a little bit better and it doesn't work out, it's fine. The perspective I think maybe you need to really focus on is that you don't have to figure out everything in the next six months or a year. And an investment in this relationship that might not work out, you're still probably going to learn something from it. Right. You can't get all the answers right now.

Yeah. You know, as someone who has a tendency of being controlling, that's your issue. You're trying to control the future. You're trying to predict the future now. You're trying to say, well, what data do I have right now? of the future. You're trying to predict the future now. You're trying to say, well, what data do I have right now? And do I have enough data to figure out, am I going to be happy with this person in a year or two years or am I not? Well, we might not have all the data that we need to, we almost never have all the data, especially in a new relationship. So do you like them enough

to keep hanging out with the guy? Do you like them? I really like him yeah so I think maybe just try to chill out a little bit you're you're and it sounds like with your own professional life you're still figuring out stuff you know like are you do you currently have your dream job or your current career is it it's you're still kind of in this growth padding yourself right you're yeah because I just graduated from my graduate program so this is my first job out. So I think I'm just projecting all of the pressure I put on myself to him, knowing that we're not at the same point. And I'm just like, I think you you nailed it. Like, I'm trying to get all the answers now. And it's kind of making me crazy in a person I don't like so yeah I guess do you have any tips for what can I do to distract myself like I feel like I need to fake it till I make it and I'm just like how can I fake it in terms of like chilling out until I actually because right now I've tried not to be overbearing, but my thoughts are still

kind of crazy. Does he talk about his dreams or what he wants to do or things he thinks he might want to do? Does he at least think about those things or is he just kind of like, I don't really give a shit? He's a very vague. And I think that's one of the things like, he's like, I want to get married and have a house and kids. I'm like, cool. What else? And he's like, I don't really know. Well, he might not know. And he doesn't. And I think that's my brain goes to the negative of like, if you don't know, it means you don't care. And it's like, knowing him as a person, I don't think he doesn't care i think he just he just might not know i mean a lot of people don't know in their your mid to early 20s of what they want to do with their lives they're just kind of figuring it out a lot of people you know they'll they'll go to college and then they'll choose a major based on what they think they like or maybe their parents told them to choose it and then they'll do that major and

they'll hate it or something or maybe they'll do the major and you know's fine. And then they'll get a job in that major and then hate that job. I wasn't counting major. I fucking hated it. You know? And then you just kind of have to live your life to figure out what you actually do and don't like based off of the choices you make. Right. Because a lot of times when we're younger, we're making choices based off the things that we think we're supposed to do or our parents tell us. Right. Um, so he, he might, he might, because of, you know, and you mentioned your background, because you were forced to be more self-sufficient earlier in life, you were forced to like face some of those questions earlier on. Right. And

kind of hold yourself accountable. And maybe he was a little bit, not necessarily spoiled or pampered, but he led maybe a little easier life than you. And so he was able to kind of like, not think about that. Maybe he just, you know, he trusted his parents and the people around him who said, you're going to go to college and you're going to do this. And he's like, okay, guess I'll do this. Right. And now he's kind of faced with actually asking him himself these questions. You know, he's kind of, he's a more transitional period than you are. So if you like them and, and the relationship is relatively healthy, you enjoy spending time

with them, I would focus on that. I would express gratitude to those things that you have and complain less about what you don't have. And the little things you can do in the moment, definitely don't badger him. Maybe chill out on this topic. Like, I don't, don't ignore the red flags, right? Because if you're ultimately attracted to a motivated person, that might be what could end this relationship, but you don't feel confident enough to know that's who he is at this point. Right. And I think, you know, a good practice for you would be learning how to try to be supportive. It's hard sometimes to be supportive because sometimes we try to be supportive and really fuck up, you know, guys do it a lot, right? You know, we,

our girlfriends will like talk to us and be like, let me, I just want to vent. And you're just like, great. Let me ignore what you are saying to me. And let me just tell you what I think you should do. We do that all the time as guys. Right. And even though we're, we have the best intentions of being supportive, we end up frustrating our partner more. Focus on your career right now because you have a lot of questions about the things that you want to do. You don't have everything figured out either. So focus on what you can control and that is your career. Let him focus on his stuff. And in the meantime, just be supportive. Let him know that you believe in him. And as far as that goes, yeah,

fake it till you make it. Yeah. Even if you're like, I don't know if I totally believe in you, but just let, it's nice to hear. It's so nice. I mean, I think sometimes as we have such a tendency in relationships to, you know, pick on and like, we like to tease each other and sometimes it's how we show affection. But like, I don't think we take enough time in relationships to like, let the other person know that we're dating, that you believe in them and that you're proud of them and that you compliment the things that they do, you know, um, whatever it is. And, and that he, it sounds like he could use a confidence boost maybe right now. And, and as his girlfriend, you could, you could go a long way to, to make him feel more

confident. That's a, I, I appreciate your take. I think like, it's hard to talk about these things with him because obviously it's very sensitive for him. And I'm just like, I just need some person, I need a third party view. So yeah, I think you're right. I think just being truly supportive, not supportive of in name as something I can work on and just like trusting the process because everything is good. And I don't, I'm not just saying that, like I can write a tangible list of everything that's really great. So I think maybe I just, I'm going to chill out and let it run its course and just see what happens.

chill out and let it run its course and just see what happens. It's a, it's really nice to express a sense of pride and the person you're dating and it makes people feel real good when they hear that from their, from their partner. So give that a shot. And in the meantime, if nothing changes and he does seem to get lazier and lazier and there's really no motivation and he seems in in the and more than anything if he's you find that he's content with how things are that's a red flag right but it doesn't sound like you're entirely sure he's even content with the way things are this might be how he's

handling a very vulnerable time in his life but eventually he's going to have to pick up himself up and get going and and so if like in a year or something, he's still the same way, then maybe you guys aren't compatible, but yeah. Try to be, try to be a healthy support system and see if that changes things. Yeah. Well, thanks. I'm a great, a big fan of the show. So I appreciate. Thanks for listening. Congratulations congratulations on on finishing your graduate program um it's pretty cool um and uh yeah it sounds like you might be and this is a compliment to you but you you could be an intimidating person right you know you've

worked really hard you've accomplished a lot and uh you know sometimes guys can be intimidated by that a little bit you know he lost his job and here's his girlfriend kicking ass. He'll be fine with it and he can be fine with it, but make him feel good about himself. Yeah, I will. Okay. All right. Thanks, Nick.

Best of luck. Take care. How's it going? Pretty good. My name is Tori and I'm 20. How can I help, Tori? I'm 20. How can I help Tori? And I guess I'll start by just giving you a little backstory. Great.

So I've been talking to this guy for a few months. It's been going really well. I'm really excited about it. This is the first kind of relationship I've had so far. I've been mostly just focusing on school. But there are like a few things I'm a little worried about so we met because we go to colleges in the same city um we've been hanging out but he lives across the country so obviously like during breaks and stuff he goes home and before he met me he decided that he wanted to transfer to a new school closer to home next year meaning in the summer he will be going home for the foreseeable future and I don't know if I'd ever see him again um and I could possibly do like long distance but I just don't think that's for me um so that's kind of one problem and another

thing is that right now his friends aren't too happy with us hanging out they want to keep their bubble pretty small which makes sense because of COVID, but I am like getting tested at my school. So it's just like frustrating for me because it seems like they're trying to make him choose between them and me. So I guess my question for you is, do you think it's worth continuing this relationship just so I can get good experience? Because I've never really had that before even though there's kind of an expiration date on it because I'm kind of planning on ending it before summer and even like with all the stresses with his friends and stuff that's just like a huge headache it makes it really hard for us to hang out so yeah that's like my first question but I'm also kind of wondering um if you have advice for like a new relationship because that's also

a little stressful like being committed to someone like that's just not something i'm used to that well it's making me want to pull back and i just don't want to self-sabotage yeah i think it's good that you're i mean you're self-aware to recognize it's your first relationship you know which sounds obvious but it sounds like knowing that it's your first relationship you you sound aware that you know you're you're learning as you go and like anything if you learn as you go you're you're gonna get some things right and some things wrong right so it's good to know that because sometimes when we meet someone for the first time we fall in love a lot of people have and you know the tendency to be like,

oh my God, I'm so in love. And it's, our love is so powerful. We will face anything and it feels that way, but that's not a reality. So to answer your first question, I mean, if you're saying like, Hey, there's, there's an end date, there's an expiration date on this relationship. That's kind of natural. So in the meantime, I'll just keep talking to a guy i enjoy talking to and and when it ends it ends and like you said maybe you're just really kind of getting experience communicating with a guy talking about your feelings right it's good to understand yourself how you are in relationships and and so you can kind of just be in tune to your feelings so like that kind of self-awareness right of knowing it will will end and and how do you feel about these situations and how you communicate could be a really good learning experience you know the risk

is you know we like to lie to ourselves about how care how much we care about situations or how little we care about situations. And if you, if that is the case, you could be sending yourself up some real disappointment in the future when it does end, you know, it's just like, Oh,

I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I don't really care. I know he's going to be gone and, and ending it now versus waiting until you're more emotionally invested, you know, uh,

could make it harder to move on, you know, because a lot of the times when we break up with relationships, we think about how much time we invested in the relationship and have that make and that makes the breakup sometimes harder. We shouldn't, but it's just it's easier said than done not to. So it's it's fine if you do. I don't think there's anything necessarily wrong with it. As far as friends go, I mean, it's pretty common, you know, when you're younger, you know, friends can be clicky.

And especially when guys and they all start meeting new girlfriends, the guys get to see less of their friend or spend less time. And they feel like less of a priority is it's a little territorial COVID or not. That's not the first time. I mean, first time I got a girlfriend, it was like, yeah, my friends were kind of pissed. Like, we'd never see you again, you know, and then my friends got a girlfriend. It was the same thing. You know, it all kind of happened. so i think it's good that you are self-aware about it and it's most likely whether he was moving or not or whether his friends were welcoming chances were he wasn't going to be your guy you know yeah you're 20 maybe who knows but

you know one out of five or something so um yeah yeah, I think you're welcome to keep hanging out with this guy, but just know that you might be risk. You know, is there a part of you that's convincing yourself to do that because you really just don't want to let him go or because you just you really like him? Is there a risk on that? I mean, how much do you like him? I do like him a lot but i i know that as time goes on i'm gonna like him more and more so that's why i'm hesitating because i don't want to set myself up for heartbreak but right now it's not like i don't i'm not like in love with him or falling in love with him or anything like that it's definitely not very serious right now

i just don't i don't know how it's going to be like in the summer another approach that you could maybe take right is because sometimes we find ourselves in situations that you know maybe you've committed more time or maybe you've been dating someone for a few years and you're invested and and you feel like the relationship's pulling away and sometimes we have a hard time we kind of do the opposite of what we feel like we should do like some you know sometimes we we we give more you know we we push more and then that that just kind of do the opposite of what we feel like we should do like some you know sometimes we we we give more you know we we push more and then that that just kind of pushes the person away so because you're you like him you know he's moving maybe this be a good time for you to just end it right very maturely and just say hey listen let's just be honest with her this is i really like you but

here are the reasons why i think maybe we should just end it now before we you know get more hurt see how he responds to that he might just be like you know what you're right you know i probably should just i just want to focus on my friends and family at home and and that might be tough tough to hear but that's okay like that would be actually a great answer to young people being kind of mature about their situation and yeah or maybe he responds in a way where it might surprise you he's like well actually i'd really i really like spending time with you i really really miss you and so that will certainly i think help you learn

or recognize that you know uh when you're not getting what you want in a relationship uh you can hold your partner accountable you know it, it's like you play games, but you're just like, all right, if you want to prioritize your friends, that's okay. Like right now, maybe your friends are a priority in your life. And whatever your age is, if you're going to be in a committed relationship,

you should, there's an expectation of that person making you a priority to a certain priority, to a certain degree. This may be a good opportunity to kind of get good at setting expectations for yourself in a relationship you know and you can have a conversation with someone while you like them you recognize there's a good chance it could end anyway so you're kind of playing with house money so to speak it's almost that practice of like saying hey i like you but i i want x y and z in a relationship i think that's super reasonable

totally fine if you don't want to give it to me, but I want to find someone who does. It might be a good practice for you to say that to someone who you like because I think it's important for everyone in a relationship to be able to set their expectations of how much of a priority they expect to be in a relationship. So that might be the most productive approach because just keep continuing to do this just for, for fun does run the risk, like you said, of becoming more invested,

et cetera, et cetera. So I think in this period, you should be as honest with him as possible about your feelings and then see where it goes. Give him an opportunity to respond. But you definitely have no reason to pretend to not care about things. You have no reason to pretend to like, I'm just going to play it cool and just be chill because I don't want to like make anything wavier that needs to be if it's going to end. I think you should do the opposite approach. I think you should be as honest as you want, or you should be totally honest, express your feelings, whatever they are,

and get good at communicating those feelings with someone that you are interested in. Because that's a skill a lot of people, we don't practice or start doing until we get a little older and more comfortable. And you're kind of in a situation where, it's like, fuck it, I'm just going to be honest. What do I kind of in a situation where it's like, fuck it. I'm just going to be honest. What do I have to lose?

I think it's going to end anyways. Just tell them how I feel. Yeah. So I would maybe do that. That makes a lot of sense. Okay. That helps. And I think the other part to my question is,

so I am really excited about him and I like him, but sometimes I do feel myself like pulling away just because everything's like new and I'm not used to talking to someone like all the time and like being committed to someone in that way. And so I don't want to like self-sabotage and like and ruin it for myself, like not even just with this relationship, just like in the future, because I feel like I do that a lot when I'm like talking to someone, I'm just like, Oh, it's just easier. It'd be easier to just be by myself. I mean, you're 20. There's a time in our lives sometimes to be selfish. And I think that's okay. You know, I think sometimes when we're younger, and like, we're like, well, I'd like a boyfriend now. And so we feel like I should have a boyfriend. And, you know, I want to be a good girlfriend, or I want to be a good boyfriend. So these are sacrifices I need to make again, because if you are going to be in a committed relationship, you're going to have to make some sacrifices. You're going to have to make them a priority to a certain degree and you want to be made a priority.

Maybe now is not a time for you to be dating if that's how you feel. Right. Because maybe right now it's like I want to focus on school. I want to casually date. I want to you can casually date and make your like right now it's better for me to make my needs a priority because of the goals I have and that's okay there's a time and a place of when you want to make certain sacrifices or when you don't want to if you do really like someone and you you just have to decide whether you're willing to sacrifice some of your own free time you you know, your personal time, your alone time, you know, and it's just a matter, it's just an exercise on getting good at prioritizing the things you want in your life. You know, I don't know if that's necessarily self-sabotage than just

being honest with yourself about like what's most important to you and the goals that you have in the immediate future. I mean, what's the likelihood, are you trying to settle down at like 22, 23? I mean, it could happen, but is that trying to settle down at like 22, 23? I mean, it could happen, but is that a goal for you? No, I definitely don't want to do that. All right. So it's not even a goal. So if it happens, it happens. But right now it sounds like maybe your school and the things you want to do is the bigger priority.

And so right now just kind of be up front and casually date and be very chill. That'll be very probably attractive for a lot of guys. Be like, oh, she doesn't even care care she's so indifferent about being around me you know like that will and uh but just so that's a great opportunity for you to learn how to just be honest with your feelings you know and just be very direct you'll be surprised the more honest and direct you are about where you stand on things you people find that to be very attractive and then when you are in a relationship and you really like a guy um you know sometimes you just have to be very attractive. And then when you are in a relationship and you really like a guy, sometimes you just have to be okay with being disappointed.

Sometimes we self-sabotage because we're a little worried that someone's not. It's our egos saying, I'm worried this person doesn't like me as much as we want them to like us. And so we'll just remove ourselves before we can find out the truth. So you just have to face that reality and just be okay that like someone's not going to like you at some point at some getting your heart broken, broken is good

from time to time. It's good to feel some loss and make you kind of appreciate the things you have when you have them. So, but right now I think for you, it's just a, it's okay to want to casually date and keep things pretty low key and chill. Sounds good. Thank you so much for your advice. It helped a lot. No problem. All right. Have a good one. Best of luck.

Yeah. Thank you. You too. All right. Bye-bye. Well, thanks for listening, guys. We appreciate it, as always, for tuning in. Be sure to check us out tonight for our Bachelor Recaps.

And again on Wednesday with a new surprising guest you won't want to miss don't forget to send your questions at asknick at castmedia.com cast with a k subscribe all that fun stuff we will see you