The Viall Files - E236 Ask Nick - Stop Pretending You Don’t Care

Episode Date: February 15, 2021

On todays Ask Nick we start with an update from a caller who’s relationship has come to a crashing halt and she does not know where to go from here. Second we speak wth someone who has a guy who is doing all the boyfriend things but seems not interested in being a boyfriend. Next we talk to a woman who is struggling with defining her relationship and her boyfriend telling people that they are together. Finally we have a caller who is concerned for her best friend after finding out some damaging information about her boyfriend.   “You have to be willing to say things at the risk of being misunderstood so your feelings can be heard”  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.    THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Echelon: http://www.echelonfit.com/VIALL  to try any Echelon Fitness equipment at home for 30 days. Dipsea:: http://www.dipseastories.com/VIALL for a 30 day free trial  Theragun: http://www.theragun.com/VIALL to try Theragun now.  Apostrophe: http://www.apostrophe.com/VIALL and use code VIALL for $15 off your first visit  Beachbody: To get a special FREE trial, no obligation membership, text VIALL to 303030   Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Looking to stay home, stay safe, but exercise with some of the top trainers out there? Well, Echelon has you covered because they're offering the next generation of connected fitness bikes, fitness mirrors, rower machines, and their Echelon Stride Smart Treadmill. No matter what your favorite fitness activity, Echelon gives you a fun, challenging workout from the comfort of your home. I do it from the comfort of my home with the echelon bike i have my bike outside and i watch football and tv all while getting a great exercise in so go to echelonfit.com v-i-a-l-l that is e-c-h-e-l-o-n fit.com v-i-a-l-l You're crazy What's going on everybody Happy Monday to you all

I hope you had a wonderful And lovely Valentine's Day Whether you were in a relationship Or you were alone I hope that day was special I hope you got some Again, whether you were in a relationship or you were alone I hope that day was special I hope you got some again whether you were in a relationship or alone getting it alone get it alone

nothing wrong with that we have a fantastic episode for you oh by the way I'm your host Nick joined by Chrissy and the ladies of the social syndicate there with us. Also, just a quick heads up, you know, Valentine's Day, we we talk about all the fun, fun stuff and the the presents and all the the enjoyable things that come with Valentine's Day. But also sometimes, you know, relationship goals can be about having the tough conversations.

I've partnered with my friends at Preparation H. That's right, Preparation H. And if that has piqued your interest. It's the dream collaboration I've been waiting for. This could be a lot of fun. I may be doing some relationship goals Q&As around some, you know, the nitty-gritty conversations, if you will, partnering with my friends at Preparation Itch. So be sure to check that out this week on my Instagram stories and my Instagram feed.

I think it's going to be a lot of fun. And I think you'll enjoy the messaging we're putting out. So be sure to check that out. Let's have some fun with it. Let's get comfortable with being uncomfortable, as they say. You know, scratch that itch alleviate some pressure and just have some fun so we'll be doing that this week uh other than that send me your questions at ask nick at cast media.com cast with k always need your questions to keep having these episodes we

can't thank the people who have and are willing to come on share their stories we can always be anonymous we'll always protect you first and as long as you're willing to tell us all your secrets. But we got some great callers today. Can't thank them enough. Don't forget to send in your reviews on iTunes. Always coming up with new merch available on vilefiles.com. Hoodies, t-shirts,

mugs, breakup books. We got hats. We got a bunch of stuff. I mean, you can't go wrong I can't thank you guys enough for listening I guess I think that's enough let's just get to our callers question time with Nick

let's ask Nick your sexy questions how's it going it's okay how are you good welcome back thanks remind the audience your name. My name is Dana. I am 34. And you called in back in May and remind us what you first called about. What was your problem then? What did I tell you? And where are we now? I was seeing a guy,

we were about four months in and his ex-wife was staying at his house while she brought their child to visit. And we'd argued about it. And you and Adam gave me some advice that was, you know, figure it out. It's not worth fighting about this early. You guys don't really know each other. So I kind of took that and we talked about the living situation and tried to move forward and get to know each other a little better. And here we are. God, this month would have been a year into this relationship and it didn't end well. So you had been dating him throughout this whole period of time you stayed together and now it's over? Yes. So what's your problem now? My problem now is really, I don't know where to go from here. We continued dating in October. He said, you know, I'd really like to get out of the family house where I've

been living. My house actually had some issues where like the sewage pipe in the street backed up and flooded my house. And I was like, well, I would like to get out of this house because he's not going to come replace the drywall that this leaked through so we decided that we were eight months into a relationship let's look for a place together we're in our 30s you know it's we're not trying to waste time here found a place down by where his child goes to school because that made more sense than me moving or me commuting um i just drive 30 minutes to campus but i used to live 10 minutes away. I'm a PhD student, so I teach. I'm on campus frequently. My commute is easier than driving a child or moving him. We made it about four months in the house. Everything I thought was

going great. We went on a couple of vacations together. We had his kid here most of the time. We were even, God, like a month ago, we got back from vacation January 4th, we're talking about eloping while we were gone. And then about a week and a half ago on a Thursday, I said something about, you know, why is the kid's room a mess? I'd spent two hours in there cleaning up after Christmas, candy everywhere, food everywhere. We adopted a dog together in December and I didn't want the dog getting into like candy on the kid's floor. That became a fight because apparently all I want to do is discipline the kid and not bond with him.

Friday, he came home from work. He's a bartender. We kept fighting. And then Saturday he came home from work and said, you know what? I'm done. Get out. We kicked you out. We're on a lease together.

So he can't technically kick me out, but he contacted the landlords and said, we're getting out. What do we need to do? Okay. I'm sorry i've never in 34 years of life lived with somebody been on a lease with somebody been in this situation so i'm just kind of i'm living in boxes i've kind of got this maneuver so you can't there's boxes behind me over there so clarify for me i have in your note, you said I didn't necessarily take Nick's advice the first time. What do you mean by that?

You had told me he might be your guy. I don't think he is. And I was like, well, I'm still going to explore this. So that was where I feel like I didn't. Sure. Okay. So you did. All right.

That's fine. Honestly, just because I ended up being right about that. And I don't even know if you still believe that, right? I don't. Do you believe he's your guy or not? Yeah, and I've talked to him about what if we took a step back, maybe we would have been together too quickly, what if we live separately and keep dating and keep trying to work on this.

You're still trying to muscle through this relationship. Yeah, it was one fight. Was it? One fight? You mean you have never fought before that was it that was the first time you've ever fought everything else was awesome little like hey can you dry off in the shower instead of soaking the whole bathroom and he's like well it's easier for me to dry off out of the shower i'm six foot four and i'm like

well you're flooding everything so i i just want to make sure i'm getting accurate data here so you called it in may there were some kind of living situations from like his his his kids or his wife his ex it was his ex-wife or girl yeah we haven't argued since the ex-wife and even then it was like hey i'm uncomfortable with this and he's like well hey i can't do anything about it okay so he said he can't do anything about it and then you guys decided to get your own apartment and took some trips everything seemed pretty good there were no fighting and then the first fight you really had on this shower thing uh he just broke up with you no the shower fight was that was like the example of the kind of fights like just little you know living together figuring out uh the first fight we had was about why doesn't your seven-year-old take the responsibility to clean

his room why don't you make your seven-year-old clean his room and that was like get out you don't care about my kid so just out of curiosity so do all the these relationship fights that you are referring to and with him saying deal with it that one got resolved there were some times where it was like hey there's dishes in the sink and he's like well if you don't like dishes in the sink, you can clean them up. Whatever. It's not worth the battle. Here's a question for you. What is it going to take for you to accept that maybe this isn't your guy? I mean, I don't know what else I can do. Like, that's why I want to know where I go from here. Like, I've got an apartment set up. I can't move for another 10 days. I'm still in in the house he could honestly walk in at any

minute while we're on this call to get some of the stuff that'd be fun you're hurting you're upset he sounds like a bit of a dick to be honest i mean i don't if you're just kind of maybe just mad right now and he's not as much of a dick as you're making him sound but that's what my say too they called him manipulative and so i'm just again wondering you know it's really up to you at this point i don't need to know much more about a guy especially if i hear you know you're living with someone and then you get in a fight and he kicks you out you know like what what is that you know you can be in a relationship you can reach a point where you realize that maybe you don't love someone or you

just are so frustrated with him with that each other but you don't kick someone out you don't love someone or you just are so frustrated with him with each other. But you don't kick someone out. You don't you don't talk to someone you respect that way. You're just like, hey, babe, I don't know if this is working. And let's try to figure this out. And then you recognize, despite not wanting to be in a relationship, that you're both kind of an inconvenient, uncomfortable situation. And you say, all right, how do we make this work for the both of us? And by work, I mean, like, how do we make this work for the both of us and by work i mean like how do we make this as painless as possible while we transition out of this relationship you know especially as a guy you could just offer to go somewhere else get a hotel room i mean i don't

you know like again that's i'm not that's just what i would do maybe i'm more traditional that way but he certainly doesn't seem like that kind of guy right he sounds like a dick and i'm just wondering when are you going to realize that i don't know i feel like i could probably deserve a better situation i could deserve someone who uh doesn't snap at me he sounds like he snaps like it sounds like when you get frustrated at him his first reaction is to react, say something maybe cruel or mean or hurtful. And then maybe he comes back down and then maybe you talk through things. I mean, that sounds fairly toxic. I don't know. Is that something you're into? No. And I mean, a lot of it is, you know, he says, well, I'll bend over backwards to make you happy.

But every once in a while, there's things that I want my way. We had another conversation last night, and it was the same thing. He's like, well, I tried to accommodate you, and now I have nothing because you didn't care about my kid. And his whole thing is you didn't care about my kid. I don't even get to say goodbye to the kid. I asked. Yeah, I mean, I don't know.

I mean, what he says doesn't necessarily mean what's going on. Again, based on what you're telling me, those things sound a little nutty and reactionary and they sound hurtful or they sound, again, maybe manipulative, right? You're trying to understand someone who's not trying to make sense. You know, he just sounds like he wants to break up. In the best case scenario, he might actually come back or might say, oh, just kidding. But where does that leave you at that point? It's Dipsy time. That's right.

So many New Year's resolutions are about doing less of something. But why not give yourself more? That's right. More pleasure, more rest, more time to connect with yourself and your body. Get in the habit with Dipsy. Need to unwind after a long day of Zoom calls? Well, Dipsy has you covered. Looking for some new self-care ideas?

Or maybe you're just looking for a way to get out of the funk and start feeling like yourself again. Reset and connect yourself with Dipsy. Dipsy is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on. Each Dipsy story features characters that feel like real people in immersive scenarios so you feel like you're right there. That's right.

How often do you masturbate to Dipsy, Chrissy?issy me at least once a week great say no more so all you listeners out there dipsy is offering a 30-day free trial when you go to dipsystories.com slash v-i-a-l-l that's a 30-day free trial when you go to d-i-p-S-E-A stories.com. Thank God their supply is unlimited because Chrissy would hoard it all, but worry not. Dipsystories.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Now, if you're real aggressive, you can use your Theragun and your Dipsy stories all

at the same time because I'll tell you what, I am a Theragun advocate uh i can tell you what i've been playing vr recently it's it's a really fun i my my favorite game i play is pop one and you you play with other people like people all over the world this other day i was playing with these kids they were awesome and they were like friends from school and i'm like how old are you guys they're like we're 11 and they were the nicest kids and they were so sweet and like it was funny because like other people will like go on there and they're in this room and some people

will swear and like the little kids are yelling at like adults to like they they will be like yeah anyway we crushed we won anyways when i play vr my neck gets a little sore because i'm turned and if it weren't for my fifth theragun i would be i wouldn't be able to play VR, and I wouldn't be able to crush it on Population 1. So thank God for Theragun. Theragun is a handheld percussive therapy device that releases your deepest muscle tension using a scientifically calibrated combo of depth, speed, and power. It's scientifically calibrated combo of depth, speed, and power.

That's what she said. And it's as quiet as an electric toothbrush. Gen 4 Theragun doesn't just feel good. It gets to the source of pain by releasing tension using the Theragun signature percussive therapy, which goes 60% deeper than vibration alone. We can all be so lucky. Try the Theragun for 30 days starting at only $199. Go to theragun.com slash V-I-A-L-L now and get your Gen 4 Theragun today. That's theragun.com slash V-I-A-L-L, theragun.com slash V-I-A-L-L. It is the greatest thing I've had in my life in the better part of two years. It doesn't sound like things were as great as you want to believe in the in between between the time you called last time and now my guess is

this was always this never was like a great situation maybe there were periods of not fighting and you decided to move in and take some trips but I guess my biggest question was like where do I go from here like I set up an apartment and I did that almost immediately because I was worried that with this lease break I've never broken lease. I don't know if that hurts me finding a place to live in the future. So I got that figured out, but like, do I have to like, do I go back on apps? Do I wait and see if he comes back around? I definitely don't think you wait. I mean, what would, if he comes back around,

what is going to make you feel confident and secure that this isn't going to just be a recurring situation? I know that I don't want to get like I'm not interested in anybody but him and I have no interest in even looking. Sure. Well, I get that you're hurting right now. This is all fresh and new. You haven't been dating someone else. You did like him. Your focus has been on him. Just because you're not interested in dating someone else and you only have eyes only have eyes for him right now. It doesn't mean anything about him being the right person. It just means that's what you're fixated on right now. You haven't.

And in some ways that's probably a good quality that you have. You're in a relationship, you're committed to that relationship. That's, that's great. That makes it harder for, to move on, you know,

but that doesn't mean you shouldn't or you can't. It just means that for the immediate future, I think you just need to start accepting more that it's maybe over. And you don't have to jump on apps right away. Just let it breathe. You're allowed to be sad and hurt for a period of time. Focus on setting yourself up. Focus on yourself, school, getting a new apartment.

And then as the sadness and the pain slowly goes away then consider maybe getting on apps but like you might need a couple months to to move on i wouldn't definitely i would i would focus on accepting that this might not be your guy yeah i think maybe a good rule of thumb going forward for people listening once you call in twice to this show about the same guy chances are it's over you know you know maybe maybe just consider that possibility and uh and i'm sure he's got some great qualities and i'm sure the relationship itself was fun for a period of time and and i'm not saying it was the worst thing ever but i i'm guessing you can do better for yourself we didn't make a lot of sense like he's a bartender that wants to be a tattoo artist and i'm a phd student

trying to work in academia but we had like you call it the intangible i've heard you say it before we had that and i don't know you can have it you can have it for someone else there's a lot of people that you know you can just be like i don't get why I'm into them, but you are. There's plenty of it. And that doesn't mean you're going to find it in a month. It doesn't mean you're going to find it in six weeks. It might take some time. You're going to have to demonstrate some patience, right? Uh, in the meet, you know, you're not, you're still young. You're still figuring out your career. You still got time, you know? So I think you're going to be fine, but you're going to waste your time. If you're gonna be fine but you're gonna waste your time if you keep going back to the thing that's broken and and expected to be different you know

you're you're smart you're phd you know definition of crazy you know that right so don't do that all right and uh i think you'll feel a lot better when you start accepting that the relationship is over and be okay with that. You can still be sad about how you feel right now, but just be like, I know deep down I deserve better. There's something better out there for me. I don't know when I'm going to find it. I'm going to have to probably be far more patient than I want to be. Right? But it's going to be it's going to be OK. And in the meantime, I got a bunch of other things to keep me distracted, like my career and friends and and things like that.

And what you don't want to do is don't obsess over the kid and don't make it harder for yourself. Like I didn't get to say goodbye to the kid and I got to know this kid and not listen. We know whether it's a kid or, you know, young couples, when they, when they fall in love for the first time, they meet each other's families and brothers and sisters. And then you don't see those families and brothers and sisters. And for you, it's this guy's kid, you know, that when we break up with people, we have to let other people go sometimes that we got to know and made connections with. And that's, you're no different than anyone else, right? You don't have to make it harder on yourself by being like, well, like a mom you know uh it's okay the kid will be okay you'll be okay you know but i think

just don't do those little things that we do to sometimes make it harder on ourselves and obsess over those situations and and make it harder for us to let go so i think that's that where do you go from here just forward forward. You know, you just stop looking back, start looking forward and try to tell yourself that's exciting rather than scary, even if you don't necessarily feel it in the moment. Okay. Try to do that. You can do it, but it's really, it's all in your head. You know, it's, it's really, you know, what you, you just have to police your thoughts that's going to be your biggest thing right and it's hard for serious relationships in 10 years

and this is what happened i'm like oh what do i do yeah well i mean just because it yeah that and that's okay maybe if that's the case you got to take more swings i think maybe just go on some dates a little bit more often, you know, when you're ready to date and not try to find perfect. Just be maybe a little more open-minded, have some fun, just relax a little bit more, you know. And then when you meet someone you really like and find that intangible, just remind yourself to still slow down and get to know them you know

right sometimes it takes uh people a few more swings to get right and that's okay it's taken other people a lot more swings than you so all right yeah thank you just look forward don't make any rash decisions right now. You're hurting, and that's okay. Well, thank you, and thanks for letting me vent and call in again. That's okay. Thanks for calling in. You're going to be all right, and it's totally fine. Everything's going to be fine.

Thank you, guys. All right, take care. We love great skin. Great skin gives us confidence, makes us feel good. Sometimes it's not as easy for everyone to have the same high quality skin, but Apostrophe is helping those in need to get the skin that they want. A prescription skin care company for people that are ready to take their acne seriously. Prescription acne treatment really works, and it's hard to get.

You know, to do that, usually you'd have to go to get a doctor. doctor you'd find a dermatologist and then they'd be like three or four months out who knows we can get an appointment but apostrophe allows you to do that all from the comfort of your home so y'all love a good quiz these quizzes are short easy and they uh then give you a board certified dermatologist to online uh to help evaluate your needs. And right away, you are getting the treatment that will take your skin to the next level. Get $15 off your first visit with a board-certified dermatologist at apostrophe.com slash V-I-A-L-L

and use code V-I-A-L-L. This code is only available to our listeners. To get started, go to apostrophe.com slash V-I-A-L-L and click begin visit. Then use the code V-I-A-L-L and click begin visit. Then use the code V-I-A-L-L at sign up and you'll get $15 off your dermatology visit. That's apostrophe.com slash V-I-A-L-L and use the code V-I-A-L-L to get your dermatology visit for $15 off. And we thank Apostrophe for sponsoring this podcast.

That's A-P-O-S-T-R-O-P-H-E dot com slash V-I-A-L-L. I like a good variety in my life, even when it comes to working out, and Beachbody is making that possible. Beachbody, you probably know them from some of their very popular and awesome workouts like P90X, Insanity, and 21 Day Fix. I, myself, true story, use P90X, Insanity, and 21 Day Fix. I, myself, true story, used P90X for a good six weeks before a wedding.

And I, wow, boy, couldn't wait to take my shirt off. And so couldn't the ladies. Let me tell you, it really worked. Allie here, part of the social syndicate, she used the 21 Day Fix. And she met her fitness goals. Her fitness goals were to lose weight. And she accomplished that goal was it was it fun she said it was fun to say no more beach body on demand offers over 1500 at home workouts plus nutritional plans so no matter what your goals are they have a program that will help you build and keep your healthy habits the best trainers get

you motivated they have celebrity trainers like Tony Horton, Joel Freeman, and Autumn Calabrese. Bodybuilding, weight training, yoga, HIIT, dance workouts, they have it all. It's a ton of fun. 2020 is behind us. It's a new year's, which means it's time to meet your fitness goals, whatever they might be.

To get a special free trial, no obligation membership, text VIALL to 303030. You'll get full access to their entire platform, all the workouts, nutrition information, and support absolutely free. Just text V-I-A-L-L to 303030. How's it going? Good. How are you?

Good. What's your name? Molly. How old are you, Molly? 25. Awesome. How can I help? So, speaking candidly, I listened to you on Daddy Issues podcast, and then I did some digging on bio files, and I appreciated your honesty and much of the relationship advice that you've given. didn't really think that I would

be seeking it out for me but um I was with my girlfriends and we were talking and I've been in a situation for about two years now with this guy and I wanted to just get your perspective like so basically like we were hooking up um super casually I was in a five relationship before him and um and went to college together super cool super fun um for about a year and then uh you know he he like played a little bit of games but I didn't really care that much because again I had been newly single after five years of relationship but then I started slowly but surely becoming friends with his friends. And like that wasn't on purpose. They just liked me.

And we all have like mutual friends. So we all became friends. And then we all started hanging out a lot more. And I kind of like blew off the situation. Like if we did hook up, it was whatever. If we didn't, I didn't really care. And then the pandemic happened. And we hung out a bunch during the pandemic like at my house and like I kind of started really liking him but I knew nothing would ever come of it wait wait wait

you kind of started really liking him which one is well because well because like I mean like we were playing like Jenga and like baking cookies because there was nothing to do so which basically is love yeah I wouldn't say like the l word but um it got like more emotional I still like just downplayed it um but then as of recent um he's been like making more efforts to do things that are like things that a guy that cares about you would do but now the physicality of our relationship has been removed so like for example i moved into an apartment in the city did it just net did it stop didn't one of you stop it so this is he did for like whatever like he came over one night and built a cabinet for me from like Ikea.

Like it literally took like four hours. It was so nice. You bought a cabinet and you're like, did you ask him to help? Well, I was like, we can't do it. We can't figure out taking too long. You're smart. Could you do it? And he was like, sure.

How old is this guy? 27. Okay. you're smart could you do it and he's like sure how old is this guy 27 okay and um so we came over built the cabinet then he took us out with his clients like pay for all our drinks and then like stuff like that kept happening like he'd come over pay for all my friends drinks we'd go out he'd come back to my apartment after like late night and then we wouldn't hook up and he would always pull the line like I don't want to read friendship and I'm like wait what like what friendship like this this was not a friendship

but I wasn't going to read into it because I didn't want to like get emotional or like make it weird um and then that just kept happening like he stayed over after my birthday party like all his friends left he stayed didn't want to have sex so let me let me summarize and make sure that i'm understanding your story you met a guy shortly after you got out of a long-term relationship and this guy you guys casually hooked up sporadically for a period of time pandemic hit you started like hanging out a little bit more in addition to the hooking up and recently all of a sudden you guys stopped hooking up but now he's doing these boyfriend like things and you know and seemingly investing in you and your friends and taking you out

but is now talking more specifically about just being your friend. Most currently, like his friend group and my friend group went to Miami for New Year's Eve. And like, I was going through a bit of a dry spell. So I was counting on that. Plus I'm with his friend, like I'm not going to hook up with someone else in front of him and his friends. That's just like not a good look. And like every single night I would just play it cool like not not approach the situation because I don't want to make it awkward um and he would end up by the end of the night like we would be alone together um like you know like off in a corner or something and we'd end up talking about it he'd say I don't want to I don't want to run our friendship I don't want to hurt

you I care so much about you um like if we up once, we're just going to keep hooking up. And like, I don't want that. Like I'm not in a place for, for a relationship right now, whatever. Um, so I was obviously disappointed. Um, but then I ended up hooking up with one of his friends, just make out at the bar. And right after that, he like unloads and is like, you know, I should have told you, I really like you. Like, I honestly think I'm in love with you. And I'm like, what? Like, okay.

So, and he's like, you're the funniest girl I ever met. I'm like, well, I'm not a standup comedian, so I don't really want to be the funniest girl I ever met. He was just like, but I'm not in a place where I could have a relationship and if and he's like I'm not saying that I wouldn't be like faithful to you he's like I'm saying that I couldn't even give you the like near enough attention that you deserve as a girlfriend and like I know that if we went down that road that I would hurt you to a point where like I'd lose you as a friend I'd lose you in my life altogether so I'm just like okay whatever like it's upsetting there I mean it's validating to hear him say his feelings I don't even really like understand them what did

you worry we're what are you saying in all this I mean you're telling me a lot about what he says and it sounds like you're just kind of like going along with yeah i mean i've definitely been reserved in like what i do say because i just don't want things to be taken out of context you don't you just say nothing no no i i was just like i mean i was like i don't want i don't want my words to be taken out of context i just wrote and speak therefore there's no possible way but we just like take one thing you say and run with it. So I just am always apprehensive. Well, you have to be willing to, you know,

say things at the risk of being misunderstood so that your feelings can be heard. And then if they happen to be misunderstood, that's where like conversations and talking comes into play. Right. Well, the only reason I've probably not been as honest in this situation is because i just feel like it's a dead end like he's i mean i'm just kind of curious what what do you want i just don't get like you won't even hook up with me now like it's just weird but i've said in response um i just like i feel the same same. Like, you know that. Just like, what do you want?

Like, do you want to date this guy? I mean, like, I would. So you would. If he, well, if he called, you know, we get off the phone, he calls you up and he's like, Hey, Molly, I'll be honest. Do you want to be my girlfriend? I love you. You would say yes.

Yeah. Okay. All right. Well, that's important information. information that's that's okay to admit to yourself it's important for you to admit to yourself you should stop pretending that you don't care you're not communicating with them you're never you know if you listen to my podcast when i was on you know too tired to be crazy i said a lot about you know being okay with hearing what you don't want to hear and that's yeah that's where you're at. You're just afraid to hear the truth and you're just

keep telling yourself you're okay with this situation that you're in. And yeah, I don't, I don't know what he wants. Right. It doesn't totally matter. I mean, I think it's more important that you know what you want. And I think you just have to, this, this friendship has seemed to have run its course. My gut tells me based on what you want and i think you just have to this this friendship has seemed to have run its course my gut tells me based on what you're telling me is that uh he's kind of selfish and he's doing a really good job of kind of massaging this relationship at his convenience and ultimately probably values his friendship with you more than he wants to be in a relationship you're like he's not a bad guy yeah but he's probably being honest about not wanting a relationship right now and he likes he and he and he's probably honest that

he likes you and he probably honestly thinks you're funny and cool so he wants you to be around you know and he definitely doesn't want you making out with his friends and he definitely doesn't want to see you probably hooking up with anyone else but he doesn't want to give you more than what he's willing to give you now and again it's you he's you're you're an option and maybe not necessarily with other women but you're an option for like at his convenience when he feels like being the good guy and doing nice things for you. It's like it makes him feel good.

You know, he's doing it for himself, you know, because unless you're in a relationship and you're willing to make sacrifices, he's not willing to make sacrifices, right? Just because he made an Ikea, you know, bench for you, like he was happy to do that because you were all like, oh, you're sweet and thank you so much, and it made him feel good.

He didn't give anything up, his time, but he probably had nothing better to do. That's okay, but it's ran its course. You like him. You would totally date him now. The only way he's ever going to change his mind is when you stop being an option to him i think i'm at a point where i'm emotionally exhausted so um i think this is a good opportunity for you to start being getting better at communicating yeah stop being so chill probably yeah yeah that's like a common occurrence in my situations i'm always like the chill girl till i to a fall you could be honest and chill and i'll tell you what guys love it

you're just like hey dude i i that's i'm still chill totally fine if you're not ready for a girlfriend it's totally fine if you love me i get it i love me too but i do like you and i would i would you know it's gotten messy and now like i i don't want to watch who i'm making out with and quite honestly i only want to make out with you but you don't always want to do that and i'm not interested in being your pal i got friends so no problem if you don't want to be in a relationship but i don't want to keep doing what we're doing right now then that that's fine. And you're just, just be, be chill about it.

And if he says, well, I can't do that. Say, okay, you don't need to keep talking about it. How many different ways can you talk about it? He's like,

well, I love you, but I don't want to hurt you. Great. That's okay. Well, I don't want to hurt me either. I don't think we can keep doing this.

I like literally that. Well, but you haven't like walked away yet you know yeah yeah that's that's you have to show them too like in the history of dating i don't know if anyone's been like you know who's kind of dragged their feet been non-committal and the other person's like hey i want to date you almost they would you guys would be dating already you know what i'm saying so it's going to take him to first say uh no right because he doesn't believe you're gonna actually leave but like what about our friends though like we're all friends

your friends are your friends they've made you know you can let go some of his friends i don't know we're like planning a house in Mondal. Well, don't. You know, you got yourself into a slightly messy situation and you might have to make some sacrifices to get out of it. But you're just kind of torturing yourself and this kind of friend group that you established has almost been like an excuse to continue to hang out with someone.

So you can be like well we're friends i mean well i can't help it well i have to go on this trip you know meanwhile you're just like not so like are you really gonna go on a trip or you like he doesn't want to have sex with you and you don't want to hook up but you can't it's just it's it's gotten to the point who's it's gotten messy and he he's wasting your time and it's it's like it sounds nice but it's kind of a a fuck you by saying i love you but you know well i mean like these are all things that i kind of already knew but i mean hearing them out loud is probably the realization that i needed and i don't know you'll probably still go on this trip but you probably shouldn't and you should

it would be a good practice and who knows maybe he'll come around but you have to show him not tell him yeah I'm not going to count on that the best thing you can do is continue to be chill and act unbothered by his not coming around

I'm good at that good so keep doing that can do is continue to be chill and act unbothered by his not coming around. I'm good at that. Good. So keep doing that and just do it. Okay. Thank you. All right. All right.

You'll be great. All right. Take care. All right. How's it going? Hi, how are you? Good. What's your name? My name is Sarah. I am 24 years old? Hi, how are you? Good, what's your name?

My name is Sarah. I am 24 years old. Hi, Sarah. How can I help? So my questions changed a little bit from when I initially wrote in. There's been a couple developments, but I met somebody on Bumble months ago, and we dated for a couple months and I could just, I tell,

I could tell he wasn't ready. He had been divorced just a year prior. How old is he? He's just turned 30. Okay. So I could, I could just tell he wasn't ready by how he was acting and the lack of verbal cues. I could just tell. And we talked about it.

And I think he came to the realization that he wasn't. So I ended things. A month or two later, we started seeing each other again. And I could tell he had done some self-reflection. And he was acting 100% different. He had more personality. He was more present. I could really tell.

Or else I wouldn't have started dating him again. OK. However, my problem problem is so he's former um military as well he got out in March and he just uh he really struggles with opening up and um verbalizing where he's at so it causes for a lot of I mean I'm sure you can imagine insecurity on my end, because I'm super verbal about what I want and what I am looking for. And I am happy taking things slow, like he needs, but I guess there's tons of examples. But I've noticed that he definitely does better if I kind of let him come to me. But at the same time, I can't just do that. So I have challenged him here and there.

We just recently became official by my doing. What does that mean? I mean, I get you define the relationship, but what do you mean by your doing? Right. So I haven't been dating anybody else and neither is he. So he just really struggles. I don't think he wants to, he can't verbalize where he's at or how he's feeling that well. And so finally I asked him, cause I was like, you know, being your girlfriend doesn't

mean we're meeting your parents and all these things. It just means we're seeing just each other. And that's what we want to do for the foreseeable future okay um until i asked him i was like what does girlfriend mean to you and that's exactly what he said yeah and so that's exactly what he said so i was like okay and so he's like i guess i yeah i want to be exclusive i was like okay but obviously it's kind of like pulling teeth and so i guess I I would love um I don't know if you have any questions but I would just I kind of just need your opinion um yeah so I guess what's your big question what are you struggling with because it sounds like I don't know everything's maybe okay yeah things are okay and they've gotten better because last week they were not what was what was going on last week

um he so it was his birthday and I had taken him out to dinner and all this stuff. It meant a lot to him. And we ended up at a bar that he had been at with a friend a week ago, a friend that I didn't get to meet that was in town just for like a couple, just a day or two, a couple days, which is understandable. But he just didn't communicate why his friend was coming, which was pretty personal. So it makes sense for them to kind of just have guys time. So he, they had gone to a bar and we went to the same bar and the bartender like

called him a lone wolf and was like, Oh, you did so good. She's beautiful. And I was like, Oh, what do you, what do you mean? I've been here. So that's kind of been the trend. What do you mean? what do you, what do you mean? I've been here. So that's kind of been the trend. What do you mean? What do you mean you've been here? Oh, like we've been, we've been dating for months. Um, and you're, it, it, it irritated you that it seemed like that person never heard of you. Yes. And which, which didn't bother me too bad. Cause I understand that it's, uh, she's a bartender, you know, there's no, Oh, she, okay. Yeah. Yeah. No, she not in that way, but she was awesome. But yeah, it just,

it kind of just was a last straw. How long have you guys been dating since you started hanging out again? So three months. Okay. Yeah. And how long, how long ago have you, have you you know kind of how long have you been dating since you defined the relationship it was just the other day just the other day yeah uh have you had conversations with him in general about you know like what do you know about his past marriage i know that she and i and i know i'm sure this is why he struggles as well. He's finally opened up a little bit. So I think that I don't know exactly what happened. But I know at the end, she kind of just decided to leave lost interest and didn't want while he was in the military. So I'm, I'm not assuming, but I'm, you know, kind of assuming a little bit that it must've been a little bit rushed or

maybe they weren't able to spend as much time together. And so I think she just decided it wasn't for her and didn't want to work on it. What are your past, what's your, like, what's your relationship history? Yeah. So I've, I've dated, I've dated for, I've had a couple, like one relationship when I was younger for a couple of years and, um, another serious relationship that was like six months or so.

And a few here and there that were like three or six, but I'm, I'm usually pretty honest if I'm not interested and I don't, I don't really see a future with somebody. I usually cut it off. You're a little green. You know, it's,

you have some dating experience, but not necessarily not nothing super serious now yeah yeah based on what you're telling me i i'm not seeing any like major red flags right yeah you're dating someone who is a little older and more and more more specifically than just his age has has lived uh has had all know, I mean, he's had a marriage, he's had a divorce. So these are very, you know, potentially traumatic things. These things affect people. You know, I don't know a lot, most of us, right?

When we either, whether it's an engagement or a marriage, we don't, we don't tell ourselves when we're young, I'm going to get engaged and then not have it work out. I'm going to get married and then I'm going to get divorced. We don't know when things that's going to happen for themselves. And then when it does, it's humbling and scary and scars us a little bit. And it makes us a little bit more guarded.

So then we definitely just move slower, right? When we're younger and we have a lack of experience, it's more of a like, well, fuck it. That's the worst that can happen. I'm not going to get divorced or I'm not going to have an engagement go wrong. So why not just start dating and see where it goes? Like there's no shame in, i'll tell everyone we're dating

because what's the worst that can happen he's you know in his brain he's kind of experienced what he thinks is the worst that could happen and he's like that kind of sucked and i don't want to do that again so it makes sense to me why he might be a little bit more reserved right you've only been dating for two weeks you've only been you know it's hard you've only been dating for two weeks. You've only been, you know, it's hard. You've only been boyfriend and girlfriend for a couple of weeks. You only been dating for a few months. Right. I would, I'd pretty much just throw that first time you met away in terms of any type of timeline or having that mean anything, you know, that I would just put that in the trash as far as your, your memory goes and kind of determining like, know well we've been dating so long and sending expectations for yourself in this relationship so you might have

to be okay with taking this slow at the same time i think you're doing a great job in terms of like hey you wanted to bring up to find the relationship he he had a conversation you did fine so these little moments of being a little irritated that this bartender know who you who you were it's not really a big deal i think you definitely want to let that slide right and you it might just take some time for him to tell especially bartenders you know i'm at the point in my life i i'm not picking up the phone and telling all my friends about a girl. You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm just like, I'm going to I still want to figure out where I'm at. And I still I have my reservations and I'll tell people when it makes sense.

But I'm not, you know, it's not like, hey, guys, I got some big announcement. I'm all excited. I want everyone to know. And you know what? For me, that doesn't mean the person I'm with. I like any less or love any less or any less excited. It's's just excitement can come at a different pace especially if someone's been hurt or they've had things not work out right and so for you you're you're you're you just show excitement a little bit differently you you might even show excitement in a way that you know it's

like I haven't really been hurt in a way that would like would help make me want to be more guarded and take things slower so yeah i've definitely been hurt a couple times which i think is what makes me but hurt you've been just yeah but like we all handle it in different ways too right uh also this is still really new right learning about love languages and how you communicate it gonna take some time might take six months to 12 months to really start getting to know and build a bond you want to build this bond with him it's gonna might be a slow roll and then you just have to ask yourself do i like him enough to invest more time in him and get to know him knowing that who knows I might find something in nine months you might get to know him so well that you realize

there's something about him you don't like or vice versa that's that's dating that's the risks we take in relationship you know when we you know you and and that's okay you have to be okay with it not working out but right now I think this is all fine it's all okay and i think some of these little things you just want to let slide so you don't get work yourself up and it turns into a fight that doesn't need to be a fight you know his pace doesn't have to match your pace in terms of what makes him comfortable and it's okay for you once in a, especially not in the moment, be like, hey, I just ask him questions about where he's at or how he's feeling or when is he comfortable letting people know. Find that middle ground.

Did you bring it up to him? I'm curious about the bartender. Did you make a comment? Did you say anything? Oh, I didn't. did you say did you make a comment did you say anything oh I didn't I I'm really like I'm yeah no I um I'm pretty self-aware and I didn't want to upset him and I knew it would be unnecessary because I I can tell he's doing better like week to week it's like you're saying and he's just moving like a turtle but that's okay because it I think it means more if you know when he gets to a

certain place so I do like that um but yeah no that night I was acting perfectly normal it was towards the end of the evening and I just was a little bit like just a tiny bit tiny bit ticked and he asked me like three times and I was like not a big deal but if you must know that bugged me a little but it's not a big deal that's why I didn't say anything so so try to hide it a little bit better in the moment. Yeah. I did well all night. I just, I think he could see it when she said it.

I was just like. I also just want to point out that, you know, he cared enough to ask three times, you know? So. He did. Yeah. Those are some good moments, right? Try to figure out what his love language is

without you know having him take a quiz if he needs to take a quiz he's actually pretty like we actually talked about that on a couple dates we've actually chatted really well and i think that's what's frustrating i told him what mine are and a lot of it is uh partly part of it is words of affirmation um just a little bit and uh we're both physical time so we have or uh what is it um quality time that i mean we're we talked about that and so that's the thing is that he knows it irks me but i i've yeah i don't know well it's one thing to know right it's like you could be dating someone they're like hey i love it when you say nice things about me and they'll be like great thanks for telling me keep that to myself no but it's like sometimes it's like it's harder

in practice right like he still has to you know there's there's how you receive love and how you give love that you know he might like yeah i like it when people tell me i'm awesome too but i have a hard time opening up and saying that i don't know why you know and so just because you say it doesn't mean it's easy for him to do it that makes sense but if you keep dating and keep going forward you will find hopefully that balance and the good news there should be a progression things should get a little bit easier you should get to know more about each other i think you know it seems like you should feel like he's paying attention to you and asking you questions about things, which it sounds like he is. And, you know, see where it goes.

It's definitely been getting better. It's just been an uphill battle here and there. But it's I think it's worth it. So that's kind of what I wanted to know from you is like, if you think these are, you know, red flags or like you said, i think i just need to be patient because it hasn't been that long i just from what you're telling me i'm not hearing anything major red flags other than just two people in the early stages of dating figuring each other out and one of these people had um maybe a potentially traumatic situation that has you know he's and so when he's dating you it's almost impossible not to those things to come up and he might be a little bit more guarded and i mean i don't know like

i've never been divorced but i've had serious relationships not work out i've you know been engaged and having that work out and now you're just like i'm just less of in a rush to like dive into another serious thing so i want to take my time you know that makes sense i think it's better that he's like this than the opposite i agree i mean if you were like i'm dating a guy he's been divorced and he's just like super fucking gung-ho and he wants to move in and i'd be like that that sounds like a concern yeah i've been with someone who's like just gung-ho and then three weeks you know a month and is like crazy into it after being, you know, he was divorced a couple of years prior and he was crazy into it. And then, you know, a month in and they're like, oh, oh, crap.

And then pull away. So I agree. I can tell you from personal experience that just because he's not telling every single person about you doesn't mean he's not excited about you right right right well that's helpful i think and i listen to your show a lot so i figured you were probably going to tell me it just needs to be i just need to be patient and take it slow so yeah just keep checking in with yourself and keep checking in with him and if it feels like you continue to get to know each other then that's a good sign and you know give it a few six months before you really start

bugging him you know bugging him uh but you it's good that you have expectations that's good you know but nothing to really freak out about yet. Okay. Well, thank you. That's helpful. All right. Well, best of luck. All right. Bye-bye. Thanks for listening. How's it going?

I'm Brooke. I'm 27 and I'm seeking advice on a friend situation. So I'm going to keep the details limited just because it's not my story, not my details to tell so basically my friend started seeing this guy and then they started dating and I would say two three weeks into their relationship found out that he has about a five-year past of paying for sex um we're talking escorts massage parlors um she found out not through him so she was obviously really upset at first and um talked to me about it and then as kind of time went on as it just pushed it aside i like tried to bring it back up to her but okay so a couple questions okay uh when she found out

did she confirm it to be true via her boyfriend and was it something he was doing in the past or something he is still presently currently doing she did she confronted him pretty as soon as she found out. And he says that he it's been a while since he's done it, but it's been a constant problem. Like I said, for like five years, it hasn't happened since they've been dating. Who referred to it as a problem? I mean, I'm referring to it as a problem. No, I know. But did he refer to it as a problem? I'm referring to it as a problem. No, I know.

But did he refer to it as a problem? Like, I mean, if he's like, the way you say a problem implies that he might have suggested he had some sort of addiction to it. Or is he just like, yeah, I did it. I like doing it when I'm single. Like, I got a free 20 bucks and what? I can't think of a better way to spend it. I don't know. He just kind of got emotional about

everything and she said they had deep conversations but that's i like don't know the actual ins and out okay okay so that's like kind of the other thing but i know that he has tried to stop and it hasn't stopped so i guess we're talking about that kind of problem that. And you're getting this information now from your friend. Yes. Okay. I tried to bring it back up to her and just say, Hey, where's your head at with this? And she was really dismissive and basically said that he was just lonely at the time. I'm not a professional, I'm not a therapist, but for me,

like we just talked about, I'm like, this is deep rooted. This is like, this is heavy. And of course, like, I love her. She's like my best friend and I want the best for her. And she's like so put together in every other aspect that I'm like, why are you, why are you allowing this in your life? Like, I'm concerned about what it brings. I'm also just kind of having a problem being her friend. That sounds shitty, but like she'll talk about

him and I just have to like force myself to respond or, you know, even just answering her phone calls. Like I want to say something to her, but I want it to be from love. I don't want it to sound harsh because she's not an emotional person. Like she is someone who pushes things aside until she has to deal with them. And I'm the complete opposite, which is why it's just like this internal struggle for me. So what bothers you the most about this situation? She was so hurt by it at first that it's now it's silent. It's nothing. It's just like our relationship's great. And I've heard no, like what they've been doing.

And we're like, we tell each other everything. So I think if that they were working on something or he was going to therapy or seeking out, you know, help, um, I would hear about it. Well, listen, I think this situation is, um, non-traditional. It's something that for you is a shock to your system, right? Yeah. As such as a friend, it sounds like you is a shock to your system right yeah as such as a friend it sounds like you have real concern for your friend but ultimately and how old is your friend uh she's my age okay so your adult friend is gonna make her own choices i mean you know depending on

who you ask you know you you hear more and more about uh sex workers right and uh you know especially during a pandemic in terms of uh not shaming sex workers and things like that it's an interesting conversation too because fine i'm all for not shaming sex work workers you know i don't know if you watch the bachelor it was a topic of conversation this season i do but people do have a right to not want their partner in a committed relationship to you know pay for sex that's all you have a right to do that without shaming sex workers i think you just need to be careful as a friend to to not separate to to to be able to separate our is this a concern for your friend and making sure she's being honest with herself and her relationship? Or you're just so uncomfortable with the idea that you now, even in your peripheral, know someone who actively is paying for sex and it makes you real uncomfortable, right?

Oh, yeah. I will say at first, it was like this huge shock to me where I was just like whoa like what but as I've gotten through that initial shock I I want to be there as a friend but like you said like I do have concerns for her because I do know her dating history and I know her as a person like what's her dating history not great just kind of she just like I personally think she's so great and it's obvious that she doesn't see that in herself like she's very put together and if you if I would line up her past relationships you'd be like not based on looks like that sounds crappy but they just they're not at her level and I'm not saying this guy doesn't deserve love. Like he clearly deserves love and

needs it. But I just want her to be conscious of ignoring something that could end up being a problem. Like I would hate for her to just never feel worthy in this relationship. I think that's where my head goes. So you're, you're looking at your friend and you see her dating past and it is, you feel like she has a pattern of accepting literally almost anything in her partner just so she can feel like she's in a relationship she absolutely yeah i mean i don't know if this is the time to abandon your friend then if that's what you think right so you feel like your relationship is so you know so clarify when you mentioned why you feel like your relationship is becoming more distant i've been where i've been

a lot better um i just i haven't seen much of her and that's because we've both been busy but i want to i feel like when i like have hang out with her like it's like I want to say something if that makes sense or just be like where is your head at now with this and I can come across kind of strong so that's why I'm I just want it to come from love um and I guess it's just as simple as saying like, hey, like, how do you feel about this? But I want to be able to just like have that fun relationship with her again. And I know that's like me. That's not a her thing. Like that's a me thing, which is why I'm here. Well, yeah. It sounds like you kind of know, right? You kind of know the answer. And it sounds like this situation is such a shock

to you. You're having a real hard time doing what you know deep down you should do. And that is ultimately just continue to let your friend know that you love her and continue to let her know that she deserves, she deserves a lot. She deserves the things that she wants out of a relationship. She deserves to have expectations of the guys and the men that she involves in her life. And whatever she wants, that's what she should have. And, you know, so because you're having a hard time, we often do this with friends. You're just like, politics will come up too. Like, it's a little different.

But we're just like, all right, you're my friend. I love you no matter what. But like, how the fuck do you think this way kind of thing? And you're having, you know, and so now when you see your friend you're thinking that and yeah because you're so passionate about it and and it sounds like you're someone who's pretty good at voicing their opinion and your friend knows this she just feels it she probably feels some judgment she might be pulling away from you because she's like i just want to fucking deal with brooke right now you know i don't want to feel that judgment i don't want to feel that judgment. I don't want to feel that shame. So it's a balancing

act because she might be, you know, if she is someone who is insecure with herself, if, if she is someone who knows that she is, you know, sacrificing what she knows she deserves because she's insecure about being alone, then she is going to push you away because she doesn't want to feel that judgment and shame. So right now, if that's what you really want to do is to really kind of bite your tongue and control like how you feel about the situation and just continue to really make her feel loved and not judged and you probably in this situation you're gonna have to be the one who says let's go out and have fun and really shut up you You know, you're going to have to hang out and not bring it up at all. If she brings it up, you don't say, oh my God, thank you. Let's

start talking about it. And then just kind of throw up all your judgment and opinions of her boyfriend. You just sit back and listen. You just, you know, and again, you don't at any point tell her what you think. You just let her know how much you believe in her and how special she is so that she has the confidence of making a decision on her own. That's the thing. She's an adult, right? So she can decide for herself whether she wants to date someone who pays for sex or not, right? She can decide for herself whether she thinks that's right or wrong.

You just have to make her feel like whatever she decides for herself, she has the confidence in doing. Right? For sure. So you're not her mom. You're not her parent. You're not her therapist. You're not her moral compass. You're just her friend who wants her to believe in herself. So that's what you should do. And it's going to take a lot of effort on your part because you have a, you have a passionate opinion about this topic. And that's the hard thing about a friend. We do this, you know, this is a very, I don't want to say, you know, this is a unique specific example, right? Yeah. This happens all the time in friendships for,

for things that aren't as, you know, controversial or, or rare, you know, like it's not, I, I honestly, I don't, I don't, I'm sure maybe some of my friends have not i i honestly i don't i don't i'm sure maybe some of my friends have i've i don't know any of my friends that have ever admitted to me to be like i've paid for a blow job i know it happens i know it happens a lot i know the statistics are staggering i've never had a friend admit that to me so it is it would be kind of nuts for me i'd be like really you did what was that like well really huh you know and so it's it's, it would be kind of nuts for me. I'd be like, really, you did? What was that like? Well, really? Huh? You know? And so it's, it's hard. It's, it's kind of a shock to the system. So I think you just need to accept that and focus on your friendship and not focus on, you know, being her moral compass. Yeah, no, you're right. And like putting it in political terms was

actually a good example. Cause I'm really good at doing that. Like, I love you for you. Like, I don't love you for what you, you know, believe in. So that's true. So you don't think I like ever voiced any, just like, Hey, like I'm loving concerns. I think she knows, you know what I'm saying? Like, wait, you're going to keep saying it, you know, because here's the thing. She either, she either is OK with it or she is not. But like you said, that's not your real concern. Your concern is her ability to believe in herself and her ability to believe in what she deserves. So telling her what she's doing wrong isn't going to get her there. Yeah.

You just have to continue to tell her how great she is and make her feel love and support or compliment her think that you are so deserving of the love that you know you want and yeah and you just give her the confidence that like sometimes you know getting what you want will be a little scary it might require you to be alone sometimes it might require you to you know be bored it might require you to feel a little hurt because you lost some love, but like you deserve it. You know, you make it about her, not about him.

You know, again, you just have to build up her confidence level. Let her decide for herself whether she wants this in her life. But if you make her feel like she's doing something wrong, that's when she's going to pull away or push away. You know, she's going gonna have to come to this by on her own because listen if you just shame her into breaking up with this guy she's gonna resent you a little bit she's not gonna be totally confident in her decision because she's gonna do

it for you and then even if she leaves this guy she's just gonna find some other asshole you know so she needs to believe in herself to, to avoid, you know, and again, like, I guess, you know, I'm not here to judge this guy. I don't know the situation, but like, if, you know, maybe there's a couple out there that they're into that and that's fine. That's good for them. But you just have to make sure you're not projecting your beliefs and your feelings on this situation of your friend. And so you just have to be her friend. Yeah. And I try to stay really positive about him. Um, like, like I said, in the beginning, like I forced have to be her friend yeah and i try to stay really positive about him um like like i said in the beginning like i forced myself to be like hey what did you guys do this

weekend and keep it positive so if you want my advice i would get off the phone and i would send her a text that says i love you thinking about you miss you we should hang out sometime not yeah and that's you should just again that should be your rhetoric to your friend for the okay so i guess i'll just shut my mouth yeah you got to shut your mouth and you have to shut your body language you gotta you gotta really you gotta actively not think about it because if you're thinking about it when you're hanging out with her she'll feel it you really gotta let it go you know short of her putting herself in a dangerous situation you just got to let her figure it out and while i know it's unique and different and maybe you're not okay with it that's fine just you know she's not in a necessarily dangerous situation because

he's paying for sex i mean again no well what could be dangerous is if you know i'm sure hope she's smart enough to know that if she's having sex with a guy who's paying for sex she needs to wear protection and things like that and make sure he's being tested but you know again you are you're not her parent her therapist her doctor yeah i mean i'm not her moral compass you know i she has her own moral compass so i just have to swallow that. Yeah. No pun intended. You know what to do and it's tough, right? Um, but I think, uh, I think it will go a long way to just let her feel like you believe in her. There's just practice your eye rolls and your high huffs and puffs and your size. And how did you know? Because I'm a judgmental person too and i you know i'm not judgmental we all are judgmental we're all judgmental yes yes but i just might have a higher moral compass

than others well you just well it's just a that's a matter of perspective i guess yeah um but yeah just be a be a good friend and uh let let uh let god judge let uh and you just be there for her give her a hug show her some love and that's probably the best thing you can do for her to help her believe in herself all right i'll make plans with her and face them both probably face to face all right yeah and if you hang out with him by your tongue spend some time with her without him and just kind of go back and do the things that you guys would do as friends and focus on the friendship focus on the two of you yeah just go have some fun all right nick all right best of luck thanks for calling in i appreciate it well thanks for listening guys i hope you enjoyed this episode uh don't forget to send your

questions at ask nick at cast me.com cast with a k today is the last day of our 20 off merch sale code alone a l o n eO-N-E, alone. Check us out at vilefiles.com. Follow us on Instagram. Thanks for listening. We will see you back tomorrow.