The Viall Files - E239 Ask Nick - Go For Him or Stay For Me

Episode Date: February 22, 2021

On today's Ask Nick our first caller has started dating someone new and doesn’t feel those butterflies. After listening to Dr. Berman she is trying to figure out if he is her guy or not without leading him on.  Our second caller is having trust issues with her boyfriend who moved into a new living situation with a woman who he seems to have a connection with. Our third caller is in love with her boyfriend but she has constant anxiety whenever they are out in social situations because of his social awkwardness. Finally, we speak with a woman who’s been with her boyfriend since high school, joined the military, and has been offered a new job in a different location from where her boyfriend would be stationed. Does she prioritize herself now and move in with him later or not? “That made me feel like it wasn’t about you being tired, but that you were tired of me.“  Make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Rothys: http://www.rothys.com/VIALL  to check out all the amazing shoes, bags and masks available right now MVMT: http://www.MVMT.com/VIALL to get 15% off today Manly Bands: http://www.manlybands.com/VIALL enter promo code VIALL for 20%off, plus a free silicone ring. Brooklinen: http://www.brooklinen.com enter promo code VIALL for $25 off with a minimum purchase of $100. Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What's going on everybody happy Monday to you all I hope you are doing great feeling safe feeling happy my name is Thanks for listening. I'm with the team. Cindy, how are you? Cindy. Sorry, I had Cindy in my mind. Did you just call me Cindy? I have too many fucking women. I have too many women in my life.

You have so many women in your life and she's fresh on your mind right now. What's your name? Chrissy. My name is Chrissy. Nice to meet you, Chr is chrissy so nice to meet you chrissy uh chrissy is my producer we have amanda and ally here in studio we'll probably get some mics sooner than later i don't know maybe yeah we'll see i did go to dinner with cindy last night it was a hoot like cindy had to be like cindy was just like i want to ask you something i want you

to she said to me and i quote i want you to do this for me she she like pulled it out you know she was just like i'm gonna call i'm calling in the favor and i looked at natalie and she gave me this look like this now that look in the past has meant be nice apparently and i didn't know this this look was i don't want to go to dinner i didn't know i 100 said yes because i thought natalie would want me to do this nice thing for cindy so i found i'm like we're fucking going anyway we go and like i got super stoned just to deal with it oh fucking cindy at dinner granted i'm stoned out of my mind to go to this dinner and cindy cindy's been trying to like get me to get a dog she knows i have allergies and like it's a

whole lot another story but like you know cindy's older i don't know i'm i'm hyper paranoid these days i'm always constantly on edge and cindy like goes it's with her brother it's with uh it's me natalie and we've gotten close to cindy and a table of her family and then cindy stops and goes all right guys now that we're all here i have an announcement to make i don't know what the fuck she's talking about i'm super and i'm a little stone i'm like oh my god fuck is this does she have a health condition or what's is she like what is going on i i was like fuck i was worried and then she's like the dogs are gonna have sex in a week as if like now i might be able to like get a dog she was all like i was like are

you fucking kidding like her dogs were gonna have sex in a week she has that they were gonna have puppies and she was breeding one specifically she has these family friends that are breeders and she wants me to get one of their dogs right and apparently they had sex a couple months ago no one got pregnant i barely give a shit like cindy really wants to get me the dog i don't really care i would like to get a dog i'm open to it i have allergies so it's like something i really want to be thoughtful with and like you know there's whole adoption i don't know so like but cindy's fucking gung-ho about me getting these dogs cindy gets these ideas and she wants me to do them. And it's like, it drives me fucking nuts.

But Cindy will bring me things, you know? And she'll be like, she brought, she brought me some coffee and I have to be careful complimenting Cindy. Like, I can't be like, oh, that was really good coffee. Because if you tell Cindy it's really good coffee, she's like, really? Well, I can get you more. She, and she won't get you more. She'll get you a lifetime supply. And anyways, she's like really well I can get you more she and she won't get you even more she'll get you a lifetime supply and anyways she's like I gotta

make it I have an announcement to make and I was like worried I was like what is Cindy's big announcement her announcement was these fucking dogs I've never met are gonna be fucking soon so I may or may not be able to buy one of those dogs I was so pissed I was was like that. It was like she like took you all to dinner. Yes. Like draw. She called in a favor. She was like, she was like, I really, I really want you to come to this dinner. I was like, all right, well, fine.

And then as soon as he got there, she has some big announcement. Like the dogs are going to be doing it. Also use Dr. Berman's panties, by the way. I did it. But I was like, hey, this is the perfect time to like the – and I was just zapping the shit out of her. And then I was super stoned. So like I actually –

Which is amazing. I turned it on and forgot about it. That is low 50 shades. I dig it. Natalie is looking at me like giving me a look. And again, because sometimes I say shit I shouldn't say and I'm super stoned i'm like but i say something should i not be saying this no it turns out like i was just like zapping her for a good three minutes that is we had a lovely dinner with her family last night and i did enjoy myself and her her brother bought us got paid for dinner it was very nice of him and that's a nice so yeah

the underwear I guess was fun well and one of our callers also called us about Dr. Berman's episode so that's kind of cool yes anyway thanks for listening guys don't forget to send your questions ask Nick at cast me today I'm cast with a K

as always we need your questions we love your questions. Ask Nick at CastMe. I'm Cass with a K. As always, we need your questions. We love your questions. We love your interesting stories. For those of you who do send in your questions, it's natural to get nervous about coming on this podcast. We have a lot of people get nervous. 100% of the people who come on are excited when they're done.

We got some merch out there, vilefiles.com. Be sure to check that out and as always we just really appreciate you listening tuning in we'll be back tomorrow uh with another bachelor recap and on wednesday as well with i i am sure will be a groundbreaking interview well the best part about it is that i'll be in the studio this week so you will coming in from montana fuck yeah let's get to our callers. Nicholas.

Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Hey, I'm Rebecca. I'm 28. Hi, Rebecca. How can I help?

So I wrote in because I just recently started dating a new guy, which can be like, you know, kind of tricky during a pandemic. But we met on a dating app. And he's so cool. We have like all these mutual friends, we spent the whole first date kind of trying to figure out how we haven't met before just because like you all the stuff in common we know all these same people um but I just don't like know if I feel it with him and then I was listening to Dr. Berman's uh episode when you had her on and she was saying how butterflies can sometimes be like a not a good thing and i was like oh good because i don't know if i feel that but i do so you don't necessarily so what you're saying is you don't feel the excitement and after listening to dr bourbon

saying if you are really excited at first that might be a bad sign rather than a good sign. And you're basically trying to figure out how to process this new information you learned from my podcast with Dr. Berman. Yes. And this, my follow-up question is we have a great time together. I, I don't think there's no potential there, but my question is like, how, what's the timeframe on figuring out your feelings before you're just leading someone on and just like a total asshole, you know? Like, I feel like I've been on the receiving end of this before from guys who are kind of like, Oh, like, I don't know, maybe like I see it, but I don't know. And I'm like, whatever. But now that I feel it, I'm like, well, we haven't been like together long enough for me to go.

No, I don't like him or like, yes, I absolutely do. So I just don't know how to proceed. The answer is unclear. And it's definitely not like, well, three dates. All right. You know, four dates, two weeks. I don't know. Everyone's feelings.

What I mean by that is like, you got to have to kind of go for it. And this is not necessarily, you guys aren't looking for pals or friendships. And in these kind of vulnerable states of even the first date, there's like this unspoken acknowledgement that like, hey, if this goes great, maybe we'll have babies someday. Like you guys, that would be nuts to say, but like, you know, there's hookup culture and then there's like, obviously the desire to meet someone. And if you're two people with a desire to meet someone, anything's possible. So like you kind of have to risk each other's feelings early on and some discomfort and some miscommunication to figure out whether it's worth investing your time. All you can really do is try to be as honest

with yourself and as honest with them as possible. I do feel when I say it's okay to hurt their feelings, you can't just try to avoid engaging because you don't have all these answers. Because now we've just found out from Dr. Berman, you can't be too excited at first because that might mean, so it's like, well fuck you know how long do it takes to figure it out the only thing that you said that slightly concerned me when you're the first thing you said was like we have all these friends it's like well that's great but that's not necessarily a reason to date someone convenience is not necessarily it's like oh well i'll have to that that that uh box I have to check of

introducing to my friends and see if we all like each other. Like one, I have to worry about that super easy, you know, but that's, that's, that's not a reason to date someone. So, um, I think you've only been on one date so far. No, we've been on like three or four dates so far. Are we, are we having sex? Yes sex yes okay and it's like really good and I still can't figure out what I don't why I'm not like connecting he's like so nice and so thoughtful and like we have a nice time and then he texts me to like when can I see you again and I'm like oh I don't know and then I do it anyway and I have so much fun when I get there but I like I don't know what that feeling I don't't know how to put my finger on it.

I mean, you got some good sex with a nice guy. I don't know. Yeah. I know. I wouldn't throw that away right away, you know? Right. So that's why I'm like, okay, like we'll keep, you know, Has he asked you for clarity about your feelings yet? No, but I can feel him like inching towards there. You know, like he kind of keeps talking about like, oh yeah, we'll have to, you know, do this in the future. Well, you know, we'll have to make plans to do that. And it's kind of like, whoa,

there's like three dates in, like, I don't know how future we're talking here, but I can feel him like, what would you be giving up by saying yes to hanging out with him more? Absolutely nothing. Okay. Well, that's something. What have you been doing? How's your dating life been before you met him? I've been single for a while, especially like, you know, 2020 was not the year to like find a new person.

So he's the first guy I've like been on consecutive dates with. So you're relatively comfortable with being single. Yeah. That's great. Right. The downside of that is like, and I've been in your shoes before, you're like, who's special enough for me? You know, like, who do I really, because if I, if I commit to you, like what happens if really awesome comes along, you know, there's a thought process. I think there's people like I've had that thought, you know, like almost subconscious

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And again, you might hurt this guy's feelings. He might hurt yours. Power can shift real quickly in a relationship in terms of like... Yeah, and I... Have you been hurt before in a relationship? I have definitely been hurt before in a relationship. I've been him before in a relationship. And I wish that those guys

would have been like super clear with me off the bat of like how they were feeling. But I don't know if I like have enough clarity to do that right now. And I don't mind telling him how I do. Maybe they didn't really know. Right. You know, like when we're on the receiving end of that hurt, we want to, we want to say like, why didn't you tell me? You should have known and you should have done X, Y, and Z. We have the benefit of hindsight. But like as you now know, it's awkward to have these conversations sometimes and it's uncomfortable. And we're on the other side. We empathize a little bit more with the people who it might have hurt us, right?

Yeah. Yeah, I just wish there was like by this time I like need to know and like make it. It's so hard to like, you know, pull that trigger. It may not happen until he gets until you sense his unwillingness to not have clarity. I think it's OK at some point when it brings it up, to be honest with them. But I wouldn't say I'm missing that spark with you. Maybe just say, I haven't dated in a really long time. And I would lead with all the things you like about them. Start there. And then say, but honestly, I'm going to have a hard time,

you know, like wanting to jump into this. And maybe that's a good thing. I'm just letting you know where I stand. This is new for me. In the past, I would let butterflies tell me whether I should dive head first in a relationship without asking any like questions. And now like I don't necessarily feel that, but like maybe I'm evolving and maturing with my feelings but i just want to have an open dialogue with you about where we are at right so you think just wait for him to like kind of set that boundary of like now we need to discuss it or yeah i mean it's only been four dates that it's not like it's been four months or four weeks. And who knows what happens? Next week, he might refuse it. With your uncertainty, you are in a weird way feeling probably a little overconfident with the relationship.

Because you're processing your feelings. You're assuming how he feels. you're processing your feelings you're assuming how he feels and maybe you have a pretty accurate guess based off like him saying he wants to hang out but as i'm sure you know as someone who has been hurt in the past things can change quickly and two weeks he might say or do something that just changes it a little bit where all of a sudden you're like, I'm not as confident about how he feels about me anymore. And he, and, and truly nothing might change overall, but just like the perception of his feelings might change based off his actions or something he says. And that might offer you a lot of clarity to be like, Oh wait, I know. I really like you. I mean like, I don't know. Do I like, is this like, wait, was last Tuesday, last time we had sex, that was really

good. I'm not ready to give that up. And like, you might panic and all of a sudden fall, you know what I'm saying? Like, as we get older, those things can change. And so all I'm saying is I don't think you need to stress out about it. I think we can take a little like page out of Dr. Berman's book and say, like, just kind of enjoy the good things. And, and when it does come up, be open to communicate about it, you know, and in a month or six weeks, if neither of you have talked about it, you might want to be the person who just says, Hey, I'll be honest. I really love what's going on. And I'm not even trying to accelerate anything, but I have noticed that neither of us have talked about that. And if you don't want to, I'm okay. But like, I'm just trying to do the right thing here. I have a lot of things I like about this relationship.

Always again, lead with the good. Yeah. I mean, always lead with the positives and things you first like, and then just keep that open dialogue. And yeah, as someone who's been hurt in the past has been learned to be comfortable with being single, I can see why you're having a harder time faring out, whether you're excited. I very much relate to that. Yeah. I'm just really worried about like leading him on and like being like hurting his feelings is so different than like, just like being a jerk, you know? And I'm just trying to like navigate how to be honest without like doing something premature. He hasn't even asked. He hasn't asked. Like he

hasn't, that's true. No one's expecting you to know whether he's your husband yet. But no one's expecting you to know whether he's your husband yet. Right. You like him. Yeah. You know, you're 28. You're not 22 anymore. You've matured.

You've experienced love. You experience hurt. That's going to change how you fall in love. You're going to be more cautious. Like, even if you have the butterflies, we've now learned it's just like, I don't know. Like, it's exciting, but I don't know anything about you. And and just like him you don't know much about him either you know you might eventually learn about something about him that you might find that really exciting and and really interesting and and compelling or you might find something that really turns you off it's still pretty early

right you know all you can really say to him and the most honest thing you can say is i really like you i definitely want to keep learning more about you love having sex with you um i don't you know i can't say i'm in love i can't say i'm falling in love i i do i just want to learn more and uh as someone who's been hurt in the past, I just want to make sure that we are constantly communicating at a reasonable amount. You know, and kind of go from there. But I think you'd be surprised just how quickly that power can change. You can feel good about you're probably a little overconfident about his feelings towards you and i'm not trying to say that to fuck you up but that might make you feel a little bit better about like you just don't and he i'm sorry what i'm saying is i'm sure he really likes you um

you just that can change quickly right and your reluctance about how you you feel about him makes you feel empowered which is great it gives you that power feeling yeah which is like rare and i just maybe i've never had it before and i don't know what to do yeah i mean the the most you watch the bachelor yes you know i've told the story when i was the bachelor uh that as soon as i was like i'm pretty sure I'm going to pick Vanessa. Vanessa is my pick. I got really insecure because I was like, I felt like I was on The Bachelorette again, because all of a sudden, even though I was The Bachelor or 20 other people like wanting to go on a date with me and seemingly say, oh, you're great. And, you know, I was only concerned about, like, did she like me? So instead of going in and thinking, who am I going to pick?

It was like, is she going to pick me now that I've decided I want to pick her? So I kind of also, I lost that power all of a sudden, right? Because like it made me feel vulnerable. And that could happen in this situation. Once you decide that you do like him, all of a sudden, you're going to be like, wait, I mean, I was, I was certain you liked me before, but now that I know I like you, I don't know how you feel about me. So that can really change. So a lot of your, I think, reluctance and worry about his feelings towards you has more to do with your uncertainty about how you feel about him. Yeah, definitely.

Yeah, and I really just don't. I don't want to start this conversation or definitely pull back because I'm not feeling it after five, six days when i like i don't know you know i don't want to do something like rash you know like lose someone who maybe is like so great you have no reason to do something rash so don't do it all right so don't talk to him until i'm like certain or at least like definitely talk to him and you can tell me like i know like talk to him i mean like don't like try and dtr until i know and even if you do what does that even mean i like you want to keep doing what we're doing i'm like are you okay with not having sex with other men right now no not right now why i don't know me i just think like starting to to date again is kind of exciting in itself that it's like I wouldn't want to have been single.

Wait, so I want to make sure. So you're okay with not – you want to keep your options open to have sex with other men right now? I want to keep my options to have sex with other people. Okay. Why? Was the sex that you were having before you met this guy so abundant and great that you would be really giving a lot up? Nope. Not. I've been single for a while. Were you getting a ton of sex? Not really.

Okay. So again, what I'm just curious is like what exactly are you giving up? Possibility of like finding someone probably who does make me so excited off the bat. Well, we've learned that maybe we shouldn't look for that. I guess what I'm saying is like I'm giving you a hard time and I relate to what you're saying, but if someone comes along, they'll come along, right? But don't not, like giving up meaningless sex

or the option to have sex seems a little nuts. Even if this guy tomorrow said, I really like you. And right now, just, you know, like I want to focus on getting to know you better and see where this goes. And I don't know if you care or not, but like, I just want to say that, like, I'm definitely not, I don't want to have sex with other women right now because I want to focus on you. And I guess it would make me feel a little more confident about getting to know you more. If you weren't having sex with other men, like what's holding you back from saying, yeah, I gave him, I guess I like you and I want to get to know you because like next week that can change. You can be like, you know what? I met a guy, totally want to bang him. We should end

this. Why can't you say, you know what I'm saying? Like, yeah. Why can't you focus on the present and say yes to what you have in front of you and then worry about what might come when it comes? And you're right. You might hurt his feelings like that might happen. You can't approach this relationship being afraid to ever hurt him. And so you're just not going to engage because it could all go badly. Like there's a good chance this won't end. This guy won't end up being your husband, just odds. Like, you know, I don't know. I don't know anything about him and you barely do. And I don't know anything about you. So like if I was playing the odds, he's not your guy,

but he very much could be every guy you meet, every first that you go on, odds are he's not your guy, but you gotta be willing to like go for it you know and you have to be willing to give up some things in the moment in the present in the short term to right see if it's willing to make an investment yeah it's a little scary once you like settle into like being single it's yeah i get it no i totally relate i totally relate but i'm just saying you know when i ask you like oh i don't want to stop having sex with other people and you're like well i haven't been having sex with other people so you're gonna like if this guy were to ask you tomorrow like are you open to like focusing on this for the moment like he's not asking for like a like a five-year commitment or move in together or get engaged he's just saying

this seems pretty good we like each other we have fun do you should we should we start getting to know each other and should we like not complicate that process by like just like giving the other person the peace of mind they don't have to worry about like you know stds and and and you know whether they're like fucking someone else i think that's reasonable and you know what next week you might feel differently and you might have to have an awkward conversation and you might make them cry, but everyone's going to be fine. Yeah, that makes sense. I, yeah, I'm just, um, just trying to like do right by him and me. And I just wanted to make sure that I was heading in the right place. Cause if you were going to tell me like, no, no, you need at least a little bit of butterflies, then I was going to be like, okay, well then this is not worth sticking to. I think maybe it's karma that you listened to that podcast and you met this guy.

It was really opportune timing. Even just the title of butterflies are a warning sign, I was like, great, this is perfect. Yeah, I think you owe it to yourself and to him to find out more before you make any rash decisions. How old is he? He's 29. He's an adult. He'll be fine.

You seem great, but he will survive you if it doesn't work out. No offense. You know? Right. Yeah. Go forward and find out more before you start making any definitive decisions. All right. Will do.

Thank you so much. Sex with people you've never heard of will be waiting for you. Exactly. All right. All right. Cool. Thanks. Thanks for calling in.

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Go to Brooklinen.com and use code VIALL to get $25 off with a minimum purchase of $100. That is B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com and use code VIALL, $25 off with a minimum purchase of $100. That's brooklyn.com, promo code VIALL. How's it going? Hi, I'm Erin. I'm 26. Hi, Erin. How can I help? I have just been having some trust issues in my relationship lately. To preface, I was engaged about five years ago, and the guy that I was with ended up cheating on

me so I feel like I just have not you know overcome a lot of those trust issues I've been having and it's really been kind of flooding in to my current relationship with my boyfriend he and I have been together for two years um and a few months ago, he moved in with one of his friends and then his friend's fiance. And just like when they first moved in, you know, I was totally comfortable with it. And just like the idea of him, you know, living with another girl. And her and I were really good friends. And I mean, we still are. But I just feel like I

two couples in a house so it's just my boyfriend and then one couple yeah so and so yeah okay yes yes so basically I just feel like I have been noticing that like my boyfriend and then the fiance's relationship you know has just been kind of changing and they've been getting closer. And there's just like a couple of things that I've noticed that have just made me uncomfortable. For example, sometimes when I'm over, she'll just kind of come into his bedroom and sit on his bed and, you know, she'll start talking to me, talking to him. you know she'll start talking to me talking to him and sometimes I just feel like okay you know when I'm here I would just really like to have that space you know just for me and my boyfriend so can we backtrack for a second how did this situation come to be like who do you guys you

don't you don't live there or do you live there I apologize if I don't live there you don't live there so your fiance your boyfriend I'm, your boyfriend has a guy roommate? Yes. A guy roommate and a girl roommate. So the girl does live there. It's not like she's just kind of there a lot because they're dating. That is her home. Yes, correct.

And you started dating your boyfriend before she moved in? Yes. Like why did she move in? Yeah. Yeah. before she moved in yes like why did she move in yeah yeah so basically um my boyfriend was living away um he had lost his job because of covid so he was in the process of moving um you know back here and he was talking to some of his friends you know about moving back and his guy friend was like oh hey you know well me and my fiance are looking for a place to move in why you know we've been friends for such a long time why

don't we all just move in together okay so they were like yeah you know it's great they all moved in together pretty much because they were all just kind of looking at the same time and is his the guy the his buddy how close are they like they've been friends since high school so they're like okay they've been like lifelong friends basically gotcha and so since then now the three of them are there you're there one you know you're in and out a lot but there are yeah it's getting uncomfortable for you yeah um and so I you know, like a big question of mine is just, I feel like deep down, I feel like I know I can trust him, but there's just, you know, that other like part of me that's just like, why can't I fully trust, you know? And I just feel

like these little things that like I'm seeing you know sometimes I feel like she's a little bit flirtatious with him or even there was an incident where we were together and she had she was drinking a drink that she like hadn't finished and so my boyfriend was like oh is this her drink and then I was like yeah and he was like okay well I'll just you know finish it for her and so I don't know even that just kind of caught me back like, wow, you guys are just really, really comfortable with one another. If we're going like case by case, that might be something that as a like a unbiased third party, you might be reading into that a little bit. OK, they live together. I mean, if we're like talking about their comfort level in terms of sharing germs, I mean, like if you're roommates, chances are like there's some germs being passed, right?

Right. And maybe your boyfriend is just super into like not wasting booze. Like that, you know, like I don't necessarily means there's a physical attraction there. What's a, how do you feel about her? Do you think she's attractive or did you, do you are like, yeah, what do you think of her? What's your opinion about her? I like her a lot. Um, I mean, when they first moved in, I mean, I would go over there and there would be so many times where her boyfriend or her fiance and my boyfriend be playing video games together so her and I would go and watch tv together you know while the guys did that and so her and I I feel like have developed a

a good relationship and so I do like her she is you know attractive do you I mean do you find her attractive yeah I think she's attractive okay like to the point where like how much like because like let's sometimes i mean if i see a guy you know i'm you know and i i can recognize whether a guy is attractive or not and depending how i compare them to myself it could elicit insecurities i know i've dated women who have done that right i like you know i, you know, I notice girls I did in the past, women, my women friends they're okay with, and my women friends they are like, I'm not so sure about them.

Like, you know, sometimes like, and so I'm just curious, like as you look at her, what kind of emotions does she elicit from you? Like, or is it kind of like, oh, this bitch is so hot, or you know, this chick is so hot or you know this chick is so hot you know like no yeah I I don't think it's like okay so I don't think it's in like an attractive way that maybe that's bringing up like those insecurities but maybe more so in like personality you know where you know sometimes like they'll be talking and like laughing with one

another and I think sometimes it'll make me think wow like they just get along so well you know and are have you talked to your boyfriend about this at all I have how'd you approach it I just was like hey you know I just want to have a conversation with you about some little things that I've noticed here and there. And I just want to know if you've noticed those things too. There was a situation where I had invited him over to my house for dinner after he got off of work. And he said, oh, you know, I'm really tired. I just want to go home. I was like, okay, I totally understand. So I had gone on Instagram that night and I had seen a video that she posted of him having drinks with her and her girlfriends at their house and I was just like

oh wow you know he had told me he was really tired and he wanted to go home and then I saw this video of him you know having drinks with her and her friends so i had brought oh he was in the video he was in the video yeah that she had taken yeah so i brought that up to him and i was like hey you know i'm just kind of bummed that you know you told me you were tired you wanted to go home and you know i saw this video so sure like what was going on um and he was just like you know the fiance was there and then another guy was there and he was like, so you shouldn't be worried, you know, because there were other guys there. But even so, even if it was just girls that I was with, why would you be uncomfortable about that? And so I was just like, I don't know, because.

To clarify that night you wanted to hang out with him, but he was too tired. Yeah. Yeah. OK, well, like, so I think that's the thing. Like, listen, I think this is a this situation is kind of unclear. Right. I hear you. Like there's this is an untraditional situation. And at face value, like sounds like you recognize that you don't want to be a person who's like you can't live with a person of the opposite sex because you want to be able to trust your boyfriend. But the fact that she is of the opposite sex makes it different.

Right. And it can create situations that might make you uncomfortable. That's totally normal. Right. It's also totally normal that like you wanted to hang out with your boyfriend. He was too tired. He has the right to be too tired. But all of a sudden, yeah, if you see him partying with anyone, let alone a bunch of women, regardless of whether you are a jealous person or not, that would irritate me. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? To me, it was more about the fact that he was too tired to hang out with you, but not too tired to hang out with literally anyone else. That would frustrate me. Right. You have a right to be frustrated and you're only human so it's going to bring up some insecurities because it happens to be a bunch of women yeah i think that you're totally justified and it sounds like like all you can do with these situations is as it sounds like

you're doing is just kind of address it hey i don't want to overreact. I don't want to attack or criticize, but this bothered me, you know? And maybe if I were to like fine tune, you know, how you ask that question instead of like asking him if he noticed it, cause that kind of puts him on the spot. It's almost like in a way of like, you know, a little condescension here. Like he's supposed to be obvious. You'd more on, you know, know kind of thing just maybe just point out like just lead with how it made you feel you know hey that made me feel uncomfortable i i like hey if you're tired i get it but like that made me feel like you it wasn't about you being tired it made me feel like you were tired of me but not tired of other people and that's just i don't know how i'm how i don't know how i'm supposed to look at it differently given and like i understand like you have a roommate and and your roommates might have

friends over but like he could have called you and said hey calling an audible here i am tired uh but they're you know so like do you want to come over because i don't want you to feel left out he could have easily called and texted and invited you over he didn't I would be super irritated about that right so you have a total you're totally right you know and so it is a bit nuanced and I think it's good that you are recognized that recognizing that you've been hurt in the past and you're trying to manage those feelings but there is you know we've said this before there is a difference between being jaded and cynical because someone hurt you in the past and then bringing that in the future relationship you know but what you'd also don't want to be is so like you know you want to fight all your insecurities that your past relationship had and therefore you dismiss everything that

bothers you because you want to be super chill and super cool like you can't do that either miss everything that bothers you because you want to be super chill and super cool like you can't do that either it'll eat you alive so um and then what did how did it so he said oh you should be trust me but like how was that resolved where did you go from there like what was the end of that conversation so i said you know i do trust you and you know if you were in a situation with a lot of other girls of course i i would trust you i and i just said you know i you were in a situation with a lot of other girls of course I I would trust you I and I just said you know I just don't put myself in a situation where I just hang out with all guys I don't know I just don't really feel like that's something I need to do and so then I had brought up um you know just like so if I could. Can I nitpick here? Again, that's where instead of focusing on, you know, your feelings and how that situation made you feel, you saying, well, I wouldn't need to do that is that's a you thing.

Right. But him hanging out with other women, you know, like you said, you don't want to be the jealous girlfriend who can't trust her boyfriend to hang out with other women. Right. That's not who you are you're better than that so you saying that i wouldn't need to do that may be true but that makes him that's going to make him feel defensive right and so instead of him focusing on your feelings and what he did specific to that moment you're trying to make this fight about a bigger like well i'm i don't need to do that i'm sad you know like you're yeah and then all of a sudden you just change the argument now he's defensive and now he's trying to defend him hanging out with women when what he should be defending is why didn't he pick up the phone and invite you

why didn't he like make you feel included why didn't he go out of his way to uh make sure that in this untraditional living situation that he's created, he's making sure that he's not bringing unnecessary conflict in your relationship. Right. So I think it's just a listen, it's it's hard to argue in the moment. I've said a lot of dumb things in an argument that I'm like, I definitely backfired. And that was in no way productive. So, like, you know, I have the benefit of hindsight here. But I think that's something you could try to, you know, adjust in the future. Because that way you're just keeping the focus on your feelings and how it made you feel.

And you have the right to how it made you feel. Basically, from there, I had brought up like the drink situation. And I was just like, why, you know, did you feel like you just needed to finish her drink? And he basically just responded by saying, well, don't you want me to be comfortable with the people that I live with? And I was like, yeah, of course I do. But like, to what, I guess, extent? I don't know.

I think maybe because I've never, you know, lived with a roommate before. I just I don't know. Maybe I'm just not understanding hanging that video that, you know, the whole hanging out situation that kind of was the, the big issue, the drink thing, you know, if that hangout situation doesn't happen, I don't know if the drink thing makes that big of a deal,

but now it's like, well, what else could I be missing? You know, if I, am I not paying attention to other things now you're looking for other red flags. I mean,

I get it. Like anyone who's been cheated on, you're just like you realize once you've accepted you've been cheated on, you want to go back and look. Well, what didn't I notice in the past? Like, where were these red flags that I just chose to come that was a red flag that was something you justifiably had a right to be annoyed by and now you're like you're you're kind of like well what else is there now I don't think drinking someone else's alcohol is that big of a deal but I get how it you know you might be looking at it so yeah it's a tough situation I think you really have to stand your ground on the things that you know that are right, right? And you're not okay with. And then you just got to try to focus that argument

and not try to, we all have a habit of like, well, what about, and then this, and then that. And like, again, to me, unless I'm missing something, she has her girlfriends over they start drinking correct me if i'm wrong if he would have called you and said do you want to come over uh what's her name you know whatever her name is she invites her friends over everyone's hanging out so like i mean i'm not going to get rest anyways so we might as well just you know yolo that would have that made you feel really good and secure about

the situation yeah yeah so i feel like that's that's the issue so like focus on that issue and how he what he could have done better right give you know like he might be a great guy with a great boyfriend he was a great boyfriend he has no, he might truly be like, what did I do wrong? You know, that doesn't mean he can't learn from it. And it doesn't mean you can't address it. And then be like, well, next time this happens, it would make me feel really good if you included me. And then see if he does. You know, I guess that's all you can try to do.

And see, you know, now next time, if he listens to you, that's a good sign that he does care about that and he wants to work on it. But at least that's a specific thing. When you get into like, don't drink any other girl's drink, then I, as a guy, I would be like, well, that doesn't make fucking sense. And that doesn't mean I would like, I would take that literally. And I would, you get distracted at the argument and I would probably even fall for that and then start arguing that point rather than the other, you know. And then you're arguing about three or four different things

when all you really wanted was for him to include you that one night. Yeah. You know? Definitely. And then in general, I think you could just say, listen, I have some of my insecurities. I'm not asking you to have her move out,

but just know it makes me feel a little insecure. So could you just be mindful of it? Like, I understand that, like, I don't want to nitpick every little thing, but just know that it makes me a little insecure and just be aware and see if in general he cares about that and thinks about that.

And I think that hopefully that will be enough for him to acknowledge your insecurities and feelings and want to make sure that you don't feel insecure. Yeah, and I think he would be really willing to have that type of conversation and not me just, like you said, nitpicking little things here and there that I notice. Yeah.

And this is a very normal, well, I mean, this is untraditional, but this is kind very normal, well, I mean, this untraditional, but like, this is a kind of a normal thing. A lot of, I, again, I've, I say this for like with personal experience. So like, I can think of all the stupid fights I've had about things and it might've been something that I was guilty of doing. And I probably didn't even maybe realize at the time. And then she said something and then I focus on like, well, that's just nuts. Wow. You know, and it wasn't even the thing that created the problem in the first place. Yeah. As long as you feel good about it. I mean, at the end of the day, you always want to check it. What does your

gut tell you? Like, you know, especially if you've been cheated on, does your gut tell you that overall he's a good guy and is faithful, you know, or does your gut tell you that like you are, you're too afraid to admit that there's something going on right also like i'm really curious what his buddy do you do you notice his buddy getting insecure about her that might be a good gauge too you know yeah totally totally i've never like noticed anything i sometimes kind of feel like he's a little oblivious and like a little like I think another thing too is he's really like standoffish I guess from their relationship I think he just doesn't really show her as much like affection or maybe as much like attention as maybe she's seeking and she's

told me this before so I think sometimes I just kind of wonder like maybe she's seeking and she's told me this before so i think sometimes i just kind of wonder like maybe she's getting that attention you know from my boyfriend who's like willing you know to talk to her about maybe today yeah maybe and my guess is you would probably be far more fine with it if all he had done is include you yeah if i if if i were you that would have pissed me off right i would be like well, clearly had nothing. Yeah. I mean, you didn't want to hang out with me. That's how I, I don't know how else to look at it.

You know? Yeah. So that makes me feel insecure, you know? Totally. Totally. Yeah. But yeah. So you're, you're definitely not crazy for feeling that in that moment.

Okay. Thank you. Yeah. I'd let the, the let the drink thing slide though. Okay. Yeah. I figure, you know, it's not that huge of a deal. So it's okay.

I'll let it slide too. All right. Well, thank you for calling in. Best of luck. Thanks so much, Nick. I appreciate it. All right. Take care.

All right. Bye-bye. You too. Bye. How's it going? thanks so much nick i appreciate it take care all right bye you too bye how's it going i'm going i'm doing well how are you i'm good what's your name lydia how old are you lydia 23 awesome how can i help um so i am in a relationship. We've been together almost a year now. And I am struggling with his social skills. I have a lot of social anxiety. So I think I'm always hyper aware of, you know, social cues and stuff. And he is the complete opposite. opposite. When we are alone, everything is perfect and it's just the two of us, which obviously that's been the case a lot of the time since our relationship started during the pandemic. And so we spend a lot of time alone. But then like meeting my family and he's met a couple of my

friends and my roommate, who's like one of my best friends, doesn't totally love him. My roommate, who's like one of my best friends, doesn't totally love him. He can get off topic a lot or bring up another topic that was over like 15 minutes ago and he goes on a lot of tangents and doesn't pick up on social cues and so that brings me a lot of anxiety because my friends and my family are very important to me. He treats me like a queen. My parents adore him, which is also something that I guess I didn't realize how much they adore him until recently when I've kind of talked to him

about it. But yeah, so I'm trying to figure out if it is a superficial reason to end things, because I do love him. Or if that's like really who he is, or if it's something that we can overcome and how to address it. So just to recap, you love him. I do. But you feel like there's a bit of a disconnect in terms of when you guys are out. Yeah, social situations. Hanging out in the world.

He approaches social situations differently than you? Very differently, yeah. And I'm not... When you say different, because there's nothing wrong with different, but is there something that specifically bothers you about what he's doing? He's just unaware.

What do you mean? I don't... He will take over the conversation and go on like one topic for like five or ten minutes and everyone else is sitting there like, oh, he's still going on about something. Or he'll bring up a topic.

He'll still be thinking about something that we all stopped talking about like five minutes ago. So it's not that he's like Mr. Charisma. Not at all. And he jokes about it. He is aware. And his parents joke about it. He's aware that he lacks the awareness sometimes. Yes. And what bothers you about that? Do you find it? What do you feel? he is aware and his parents he's aware that he lacks the awareness sometimes yes and what what

bothers you about that do you find it are you feel what do you feel i find myself very anxious when i bring him somewhere already like anticipating it is it so bad that it's like offensive or is it just a little how old is he he's 24 okay and maybe his friends joke about it and he does too he's got friends yes great they're all kind of just as quirky as he is okay uh well i it's hard to find someone you love so you love you love him that's great i do uh i think this is something he's young um probably maybe even recently discovered this about himself. He said you said he's aware of it, you know, just because he's not concerned about it, though. I don't know if he should be. What do you mean he's not concerned? Like he has no interest.

He thinks it's funny. Like when I. Can you give me a specific example so i can try to totally understand because i'm okay so he knows that sex is very taboo in my household okay and my best friend is waiting until marriage okay and she's very high strong and he jokes that he thinks she should just, quote, smash to get over it. Okay, well, that's offensive. Yes. And he's joking. But then he, like, says it in front of my parents and, like, tries to recover.

I'm like, why would you say that? Why the fuck would you say that? I don't mean to laugh. And he's just unaware. And he didn't notice. He didn't think about it until later when I talked to him about it. I was like, that's not, you know, that we don't talk about sex in my house at home with my parents.

So it's funny when you're talking, I'm like, think to myself, like, I feel like I have the ability to be your boyfriend. Like, I'm a direct person. Like, I don't know if you know how much you listen to this podcast. i don't know if you how much you listen to this podcast i don't know if that surprises anyone i sometimes just love to say shit and and in situations that i know are going to get a reaction right at the same time i have learned over the years that like i don't want to offend anyone and if someone were to say that bothered me i would be like okay i want to listen and understand. Right. Now, sometimes I still push

the limits. Right. At the same time, I meet being self-aware is a big priority for me. So like, I also try to know my audience at this. So it's for, to me, when you give this example, to me, the big concern is, does he care about your feelings? Does he care about people around him? Does he, is he generally a kind person? Does he care about people around him? Is he generally a kind person? Does he want to not offend people and hurt people's feelings? Sometimes he might be a disruptor and want to make people uncomfortable. He is kind. I think sometimes he likes to assert things.

He's very political. Right now he teaches high school current events in American government. Okay. So he's kind of been in a lot of stress right now. So when he can, he talks about politics nonstop. Can I ask you a question? Is there any value? Does his personality ever have a positive on it?

Like sometimes, I only ask that so like again, I'm not trying to say I'm your boyfriend or whatever. I'm just trying to understand his point of view but sometimes my directness can get me in trouble sometimes my directness as you know from like an ass Nick standpoint people like because sometimes I'm the friend who's just like can we just point out what's going on here while everyone's just too afraid to acknowledge it and that seems to carry something forward does his is there anything have people ever been like thanks for bringing this up or is it just always kind of unnecessary and disruptive and unkind it's never unkind but it's unnecessary and disruptive sometimes like it has not what he'll say or contribute to the conversation has nothing to do with like what we were talking about or he'll like out of nowhere change the subject. Do you think he's interested in finding a balance with you?

I think if I talk to him about it, he would or like for a while we had this little he's aware and he knows it brings me a lot of anxiety. He's aware and he knows it brings me a lot of anxiety. So before, he's asked me to squeeze his leg sometimes if he's going on too much because he doesn't realize that he gets so passionate about politics that he will just talk and talk and talk and talk. And everyone else is just sitting there kind of smiling and nodding and he's just going on and going on. So he'll ask me to squeeze his leg. But I also don't like doing that because I feel like that's inhibiting him being himself.

Not necessarily. I mean, he's asked you to do it. He's aware that sometimes it's not the best thing he's doing for himself or for you. I'm sure there's a part of him, if you say he recognizes it, it's hard for any of us to kind of recognize the things that we are aware that people might not love about ourselves.

And it takes a lot to even say that out loud. And so when we do, and there's a balance between being who you are and saying this is who I am and accepting who you are and loving yourself. who you are and loving yourself and knowing that we can make improvements on who we are and we can take advice from the people we love and we can try every day to be better. And as you get older, we find a balance. I've recently talked about my new relationship and I will say there's a part of me that I've kind of joked with her. It's just like, I will always try to be better on a lot of things and I always want you to be able to,

I like how you challenge me, but there are certain things that I just know who I am and I just want to set a fair expectation that there's not going to be a ton of improvement in certain areas, like closing cabinet doors. Just not going to happen.

I'm not good at it. I've never been good at it. I've had other people complain about me. If this is something that is going to make you break up with me, I'm just going to happen. I'm not good at it. I've never been good at it. I've had other people complain about me. If this is something that is going to make you break up with me, I'm just going to be honest. Like I just, I don't, I don't see a world where I'm going to always close the cabinet doors behind me. And this is who I am. And I'm accepted that I hope you can too. And like, that's a somewhat of a little thing, but over, over time. So I guess what I'm comfortable, I've know who I am at this point and i know with a reasonable amount of certainty like what my

limitations are of like who i am as a person and my good habits and bad habits and then there's things i still will always try to get better at and communicating that with my partner i think is an important thing and so i think he's still young he's still getting to know himself I think if you love him I guess my overall advice is to see if you guys can build an understanding together as a couple so you don't think that person like social skills is any fundamental part of who a person is versus like closing cabinet stores or anything like like little things like that. You don't think social skills is big enough. There's limits to everything. But I think if it is something he can acknowledge,

if it is something that he can say, hey, pinch my leg, I know. He's asking for your help. That's not changing him. That's asking for help from someone he trusts. He wouldn't do that with anybody. And so there's an acknowledgement on his part that he. And when I say like it's sometimes really hard to acknowledge those things because we what often happens when people point things out about us, we get defensive. We we say we don't care. We act like we don't care. Deep down, we might care. We just know we can't help it.

We don't we don't know our brains fucking work the way they do. We're just like, God, I wish. I wish I could do that. I'm just saying cabinet doors is just like, I sometimes look back and I think that just looks fucking like a mess. Why did I do that? But I don't know why I do it. That's just a simple example. Yes. But there are other things that we all do that we don't understand why we do it. And there's a certain amount, there's a balance between loving ourselves for who we are, no matter what our shortcomings are, and still be able to like acknowledge them, work on them, trust the people who we love the most to help us out. And we can say, I'm not good at this without feeling judged or criticized and and know that there's certain people in this world who will be patient with us because other

people they'll be like you know i don't want to hang out with eric today because sometimes he's just fucking annoying so there's yeah everyone has their limit i mean i don't get the guy's an asshole and he's constantly just like i don't want to you know i i there i have a without being specific there's a an extended family member when i was a kid that is in my family, it's kind of a, he's a fucking dick. And like, he just would go out and he would just do things and like make a scene. And it was just like, yeah, the guy just doesn't care. So like, it's on him to like, you know, and if it's that point, if he doesn't care and

he's just rude to people and he's just it's that point if he doesn't care and he's just rude to people and he's just making that's different than like knowing he's kind of a little socially inept or awkward or and a little unselfaware and and he hasn't quite mastered the art of being around people i didn't think about the age thing yeah he's pretty young and he and i didn't think about the age thing. Yeah, he's pretty young. And I didn't think about it as like he's asking me for help. I just don't, I just get this feeling like that I'm inhibiting him being himself. Like I don't want to be a mom. I don't want to be like, oh no, honey, you're talking too much. You know that.

I get that. I just got that vibe from it. Like it feels controlling. To me, it feels controlling when I'm doing it. I think it's great that you are aware of that. I think it's great that you're self-conscious about that. And to me, that might mean that you could be a great fit for him because there definitely might be another woman out there who dates your boyfriend, who has no problem nagging him and telling him how he sucks and like is wants to fix him and

wants him to change. And he'll just end up hating her and make him feel insecure and make him feel like he can't be himself. You're just, you're having this balance between letting him be himself and hopefully helping them through and helping them be self-aware without sounding like a mom. Like that's quite frankly, that's the type of, of that's that's the type of self-awareness and patience he's going to need in a partner whether it's you or someone else chances are like even if you found someone who was as unselfaware as as he is that would cause a whole cause a whole new set of problems you know they you know what i'm saying like and i guess he doesn't want that because it does he He, does he hate going out?

Does he hate talking to people? No, exactly. So he has a passion to be social. He has a passion to be around people. He's not trying to isolate himself from the world and saying, this is who I am. Fuck everyone else. I'm just going to live in my house. He's not saying that.

So he needs help. He has to do most of the work work but if he's going to ask for your help it's okay for you to give it to him and if you love him then i wouldn't throw that away just because he's a little awkward sometimes i guess that's what my friend my roommate thinks she really she's like i don't see you with him you're i don't know she thinks i need someone who's more charismatic because no offense to your friend but like what does she know about what you want or love and she doesn't have

to date him she knows that like when I get really socially anxious that I need that I want someone who can kind of take over and kind of take the lead

in like a social setting and she doesn't think he can do that okay well that's for you to decide and that's fine that your friend pointed that out that might be the case

I'm only basing it off what you told me that you told me you love him i do love him so that's not nothing there's a lot of things i'd like in a partner that i may not always get right you know what i'm saying like we don't get to make our partners in a lab so as long as you love him i think your problem is worth working on if you fall fall out of love with him, then yeah, maybe that's enough to like end the relationship. Okay. Well, best of luck. Thanks. All right. Take care. You too. Bye. How's it going? Hi, Nick. I'm Nora and I'm 22. Hi, Nora. How can I help? To be honest with you, I'm in a long-term relationship with a really great guy. We've been dating for about six years and four of which have been long distance.

Six years? He's never made me question. Six years. It's been a long ride. So you met in freshman year of high school? Junior year of high school. And we've dated all through college. Wait, you're 22?

It's a long time. Six years? Yeah. Okay. Junior. Yeah. Anyway, how old is he? How old is he? He's 22 as time. Six years. Yeah. Okay. Junior. Yeah. Anyway, how old was he? How old is he?

He's 22 as well. Okay. And he's in the military and he's at the Air Force Academy actually. So he will be serving after he graduates. Four more years, right? Five, actually. So it'll be a long time in the military. But he's never really made me question myself at

all in our relationship. And I feel super lucky to have him even despite the long distance because he just makes me feel really confident in our relationship. However, I am a little nervous about the future because there's no sure place of where he'll be stationed and for how long. I've tried talking to him about it before, but I feel really nervous about having to relocate. And I feel really guilty making him feel like he has to hold back from his service. And I know that the military is not his long-term future career. It's just something that he wants to do for the next five years.

So I received a job offer that I'm very passionate about, but it's not where he's going to be located. And I want to prioritize being with him before he's stationed somewhere else, but that would come at the cost of my career. Do I prioritize me now and move with him later or move with him now and hope that the career follows? Great question. I don't know. What do you want? He doesn't really have a choice, right? So like, this is not like he's already signed up up even if he regretted it the next day he's kind of pot committed right like so yep he signed his life away yeah there's nothing really you can do here this is not like well hey i want you to there's no compromises he can make all the

compromises in the world but he's and does he know where he's going does he even get to choose where he goes he can prioritize two places but there's no guarantee of where he'll end up being. And neither of those two places are where you want to go. You have a job lined up? I just got an offer, yes. Where is that? It's out in Denver, Colorado. Ooh, Menver.

A lot of single eligible guys out in Menver. That's what I hear. a lot of single eligible guys out in menver fully dude right here yeah um is your only he's been your own you guys have never broken up before we've never broken up we've never gone on a break um things have always been really steady i mean this is one of those questions where i mean i could tell you what i would do but i can't tell you what you should do type of thing you know know? Um, like if I were your dad, what does your, what do your parents say by the way? Actually, I'm curious. Um, my parents love him. Um, they're a huge fans of him and, um, they really appreciate

our relationship and how we've supported each other over the years. And they just kind of dropped it in my court and said, whatever decide will support that's it there was no guidance no guidance okay well this is a tough call i mean here who am i necessarily to say what your relationship is or isn't like you're talking to a guy who's dated a handful of people right who has had a couple of serious relationships who is who has learned from a lot of those relationships and after uh my first relationship, which was seven years, like I made it when I was 18, we dated off and on until I was 25. And I couldn't see a life past her. I look back now and think, and again, nothing against her. Thank God I explored the world outside. I didn't know who I was fully at 22. That doesn't mean that you can't, right?

So I think you just kind of have to weigh those choices. Are you passionate about your career? Like, or are you just like, eh, you know, like what are your life goals? Yeah, that's a great question. I just got a job in medical sales and I know that sales is something I do want to pursue. But that doesn't mean that medical sales needs to happen in Denver, it could happen where he is, I just happen to have a job lined up where is he going to be in the States? Or could this be like a overseas thing? He doesn't know. He doesn't know. That's, that's a big challenge. Because you're right, medical sales. I mean, you can kind of do that anywhere right the fact that you have an offer here great but and it might set you back a couple months right and you might end up

taking a medical sales job that you don't love but I can tell you for someone who's worked in medical sales before there's a lot of bouncing around and you know you know that's it's a very kind of rotation type of industry and career so I don't think you know this medical sales job in denver i mean i don't know for what company but like there are they're kind of a dime a dozen so there's that but if you have to like go to europe or asia or someplace that like you just it might be difficult for you to work at all like that's a bigger sacrifice um so uh i i will i guess what i'll say is if if you are passionate, like, forgetting about like medical sales, whatever, but if you are someone who is career driven,

and your personal success in your career is something that gives you value, then I wouldn't dismiss that, you know, I wouldn't try to push that away for love, so to speak, because it is something that is important to you, it's not going to go away. You're just going to like ignore it for a while. And you know, things that we ignore usually come back around and, and kind of be like, Hey, I'm, I'm still here. But at the same time, you could get back into things at 24, 25 or 26. And you could do maybe other things to make you get that need of self and, you know, empowerment or whatever, you know, like a medical sales, like, again, it's like, you can do that anywhere. And you can kind of do that at a time. And it might not be your dream. You're not going to find your dream job

at 22 either. So that's, you know, same, same token, different side of, you know, this might not be the best relationship for you. This might not be the best job. Unknown. You're only 22. I don't know. I mean, it's tough. I hate telling you what to do with a little bit of information, but I guess just don't ignore the things that matter to you. And I don't, there's not a lot of points for, especially in these situations of feeling good about like romanticizing your decisions.

Does that make sense? Like there's no points for feeling like i gave it up for love like it sounds good in the moment but we tend to we don't really get anything out of it you know in the long run so it's okay to be selfish sometimes and you just got to balance out your your selfish needs versus your selfless needs and your relationship goals i feel like i am romanticizing it a little bit. So maybe it is good to hear that slap in the face reality. I probably need that.

Is there any part of you that is curious about the other men in the world? I mean, at times, like if we've gotten into a fight, it's like, well, am I shutting myself off? But then he's very good about communicating with me and figuring it out with me and supporting me. So I wouldn't change that for the world. Okay. Well, yeah, you just got to have to, these things tend to work themselves out, you know, but I think you just have to ask yourself, like, if I ended up in like Germany for two years, would I end up hating him?

You know, like, I don't know. Like some people would be okay with that. And some people would find value in that sacrifice and some people wouldn't. And there's no right, like one's not better than the other. You know, if you find value in that, that's great. If you don't, that's also fine. It doesn't like define you as a person. You have to figure out which one you are. When do you, when will you find out? Like, when will you find out? When will you get more information about like, you have this job which one you are when do you when will you find out like when will you find out when we get more information about like you have this job offer now like when do you have to give him an answer by in the next two weeks and and when will he find out where he's going next year next year okay and you're already long distance right now where is he now long

distance he's actually now in colorado and i'm in massachusetts right now so i he now long distance he's actually now in Colorado and I'm in Massachusetts right now so I think we're about to do a flip again why can't you just take this job for now and like all everything else aside would you like want to move to Denver and take this job yeah yeah Denver was my place to go regardless of if he was there or not. So why don't you just take this job, move to Denver for a short period of time? You'll both be in the same state. Maybe it'll make it easier for you to see each other. He might get stationed somewhere else. You've already been long distance and you might get six to 12 months of experience in a career that you want to work. And as far as your job or career goes, like even if there was a gap in your resume, you have a story to tell. I mean, job interviews are just

like telling a story. You just have to be able to explain what's on your resume. So like, Hey, why haven't you been working the past couple of years? Well, like, well, Hey, my boyfriend or maybe fiance at that point was stationed and I went to Europe and I, they're like, Oh, okay. Well, in the meantime, I like kicked ass for the 12 months I was there and I was president's club and I have experience. Some people that might be okay for, but other people will be like, yeah, that makes sense to me. I'll hire you.

So that's fine. That's a better story than being like, I didn't feel like working. I couldn't find a job. So I don't know. If this is a job you want, then move to Denver and worry about the problems as they come, you know, and maybe in 12 months, you're like, you know what? I want to be with my boyfriend.

I'm going to move to wherever he goes. I'm going to quit my job. And, uh, you know, maybe it will be in a place where you can get a different medical sales job and maybe in a place where it won't, but then deal with it then. Yeah. That is reassuring to hear. And that's, that's good advice. Thank you. All right. Well, best of luck. Yeah. And in the meantime, you know,

Denver has a lot of dudes in case it doesn't work out. You know, that's reassuring as well. I can't complain about that. All right. Well, thanks for calling in. Best of luck. Thank you, Nick. All right. Are you going to take the job? I think so. Okay. Great. Good. Are you going to take the job? I think so. Okay, great. Good. Well, thanks for listening, guys.

That was fun. I felt like that was good. Once again, great answers by me. Don't forget to send your questions at asknickatcastmedia.com, cast with a K. And until tomorrow, enjoy the rest of your day.