The Viall Files - E24 Smiling at Strangers with The Chatty Broads

Episode Date: June 12, 2019

Bekah Martinez from Arie’s season of The Bachelor and Jess Ambrose, AKA the Chatty Broads, join me today to talk about FOMO in the digital age. We reveal which activities we prefer to do alone, spill some behind-the-scenes Bachelor Tea, and try to rewrite the narratives we have in our heads about loneliness. Then I get blunt with a fan about her fiancé and check back in with our favorite 10%er, Nate. Be your own mysterious French girl, take off that tie, and get frisky if you’re drinking whiskey. Thanks to our sponsors: OPENFIT: Text VIALL to 303030 SIMPLEHEALTH: https://www.simplehealth.com/viall CODE: VIALL LIVELY: https://www.wearlively.com/viall CODE: VIALL See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hi everyone! How's it going? Welcome to another episode of Vile Files. I am Nick. Hi Nick! Glasses Nick. Just messing around. If you're just listening, you really do got to check out the history. Well, here's the thing. I'm very insecure about my face today. This is a good story. Accidentally, I was trimming the old beard. And I fumbled it like a hot potato. Literally, I'm in my bathroom. And I was about to drop in the toilet.

And I caught it. And I was like, yes. It was a big win. I caught it. And then absent-minded me did not check the the safety guard because and all the fumbling why would why would it like get yeah like messed up and so I went and just like on a two level just trimmed off the like really just the whole what was your face after you did that and again i wouldn't normally care because it grows back but i'm shooting a national commercial tomorrow humble brag no that's a concern yeah

as soon as i walked in here today he's like can you see it i was like what she's like yeah well so i had to trim it down real short so and listen, ever since I went on TV and I grew a beard, everyone's like, don't ever shave. I have since become slightly insecure about my face. If you ever shaved your beard, all your power would be gone. Listen, these glasses, spoiler alert. Fake. They're not real.

Well, they're not fake. They block out the blue light. And since I'm on my phone a lot, you can't call them fake. They do serve a functional purpose besides making me look good but i do i do get i do get complimented on how i look with glasses and in a beard which makes me even more insecure about like just my face is like the worst option the more i cover my face the better looking i get per compliments, I've noticed. Anyways, so I have a... So there's a big hole in the side of his beard right now.

But you've been reassured. You're doing a commercial. All they'll do is fill it in. They'll take some coffee grounds. That's a Hollywood secret. They'll take some coffee grounds and rub it in, and it'll look like you have beard. Great.

There you go. You'll be fine. I love this episode today, by the way. I'm so excited. Of Becca and Jess. Oh, yeah, Becca. They're great. I can't wait to you guys listen to them. What do we talk about?

We talk about being lonely. Yeah, we talk about FOMO a lot, which is a real thing about being lonely. Very relatable conversation that we have with them. I'm really looking forward to listening to it again. And I was there. It was really great. But when we recorded this,

we had not seen this episode of The Bachelorette. Yeah, because it came out on Tuesday. I got to say, I was a little,

I think Sugar would agree with me, I was a little disappointed in Big Mike's date. Oh, 100%. we haven't talked about this yet a hundred percent let's talk about a smile it's what a great smile very charismatic you just wanted to root for the guy and then from the from that moment forward

very underwhelming but we're saying this we love you mike we love mike but like we were all waiting for this big like truth bomb and he just was like he was like a romance wind-up doll where you're just saying romantic things but didn't come from any place are we not are we not faulting hannah at all in this there was just no like there was no chemistry between them she was rolling around on the pool table with six other people i think if i counted but with baby great no it's just nice to each other. It was, it's a little, it's a little bit more on Mike just because he,

it was just kind of weird because he kept, he was like, I have this thing I want to tell her and I'm so nervous. And I don't know anything about their relationship, but all of a sudden he's ready to get down on one knee. Literally. As that's what he said. It was just like,

but you're watching, you're like, we love you, but why? It didn't said. It was just like, but you're watching, you're like, we love you, but why? It didn't seem like it was coming from a genuine place. It seemed a bit disingenuous, just the way it came out. It just, it was a little,

I wanted to love it. I wanted to love it. And I mean, all that whiskey, if you weren't getting frisky after all that whiskey, something's wrong. Agreed. Yeah, I guess.

I just came up with that right now. Great job, Rochelle. I looked over and your face was very proud. Well, do we know that they both... Oh, that's right, because they had... Yeah, they went to the fancy whiskey table. Well, also they had the

type of date that's great. They had the type of date that Mike and Hannah, the walking around town date, is such a great day for conversation because it's a real date. It's a real life date. And yet nothing was actually said. Can we talk about the pool table?

Her and Peter? The pool table make out was the best thing in the world. Who was that again? Michelle, you really need to get laid. I know. Every time there's like this. Wasn't that hot? Sure.

I mean. Okay. I guess. I've never been lifted there's like this. Wasn't that hot? Sure. I mean. Okay. I guess. I've never been lifted onto a pool table. We need to get you on The Bachelorette. I just need to bring up a Natalie's note in this moment. Her one note that really stood out to me. She says, Hannah was on fire that night.

My only thoughts were, do you think she has a chance? And Nick, you can answer this. Do you think she has a chance to brush her teeth can answer this, do you think she has a chance to brush her teeth or chew some gum or something between make-outs? Gum, yes. It's actually not gum. Listerine strips are very popular. Those are powerful.

Because you're not chewing, you don't want people chewing in the sound. The Listerine strips are popular. Those get handed out all the time. Do you ever ever taste the other men on their lips? Do I taste the other men? Can you? Well, I had women on my season.

My mind is going so deep into the gutter right now. No, there's just a lot of bad breath. There's a lot of wine breath because people are sitting around like drinking and then like that's so funny so there's that um brushing your teeth i guess if she really needed to sure but most likely she's probably like they have those like listerine kind of brush things and stuff like that so there is some high demons taken into consideration because there's a lot there's a lot of making out. Oh, John Paul Jones. Oh, God. Real disappointment.

I literally screamed, John Paul Jones! Really sad to see that, see him go. Luke P., man. We've talked about him plenty. I think this episode really just shows

that Luke P. really is lost as a person. Agreed. Like, I'm starting to almost feel bad. I am. Because i feel like he's just incapable of self-awareness and i i give hannah a lot of credit because she's like i just

want to it's hard again in fairness to the show sometimes it's really hard to know what they're referring to because they have such a short window of what they can air right so they're keep in mind these dates are all day long, condensed down into six minutes. But I think you can see that with Luke. He's always like, it's like he's a liar because he doesn't know his own truth. And every time Hannah's like, I want you to be this, he's like, all right, well, if I'm being honest. And then he'll like kind of just repeat back what she wants to hear. It's so bizarre.

Bizarre. But he, I don't think he. I think he just doesn't. He has no idea. I don't think he really knows who he is. I don't think he has any true conviction about who he is and what he stands for. I think he wants to believe he has good morals and values. And I think, obviously, having a faith in God is something that's certainly socially acceptable. And I'm not saying he doesn't believe in God or that's disingenuous, but he flaunts it more than he actually practices it.

Because, right? I mean, that's just a fact. Yeah, he just has no grounding. He's really no conviction. Oh my God, when he was cheersing and everybody was just like, ugh. I know, but those are the signs. His interactions with the boys in the house,

those are the signs. Sorry, the men in the house. Those are the signs that His interactions with the boys in the house. So forced. Those are the signs. Sorry, the men in the house. Those are the signs that he's just not connecting A to B. He's so uncomfortable. Yeah, I don't know. That was a bit of a... Mike's date was a big... It fell flat for me.

Listen, we still love you, Big Mike. Sure. Correct? That just wasn't... There wasn't a lot there. But I think that there's just not a lot of passion between those two. Because look at her

and Pilot well I get my only criticism my only criticism of Mike is is that I agree with Rochelle it seemed disingenuous

yeah what are why are you ready to get done on one knee yeah why like not to talk about Tyler C all the time

but his romance seemed real it did well only that but like his profession of like feelings seemed to be in place no you're right he was just like listen I like you and this

is the type of person I want to be for you it seemed appropriate in the crazy timeline that is The Bachelor even Tyler or Peter or Jeb haven't said to Hannah I'm ready to get done on one knee all of a sudden you were like waiting for Mike to just say like something like that made sense.

Like I'm really like I was nervous and I'm really starting to like this is really I'm excited about where this could go. Something like that. I don't know where I'm I just think he in we love big Mike, but he's he's deserving of some criticism. It came across as disingenuous. Yeah. And that's your biggest thing.

Just be yourself. Just be yourself. And I loved his smile. How can you not root for a guy with that just charismatic smile? When he got the date card, you're just like, oh, I just want to hug him. I do think she was a little bit sexually harassed by that one guy in the library. The book guy. The old guy?

Yeah. He's an old guy. I didn't really pay. He's an old Scottish guy. What'd he do? He was creepy. He was just like, if I he say take you home i'd pour whiskey on you that's not what he said but it was like that kind of yeah it was that kind of vibe yeah yeah can i just say about big mike maybe that was like a plant for him to say hey everyone in the world producers everyone

i am ready to get married make me the next bachelor. If it was, I still don't like it. Yeah, I guess I do. I'm just trying to find your answer. I don't know. The last thing I want to say is, why is this the season of salmon? Why is everyone wearing salmon colored jackets? Oh, what is up with that? You know what I think? No, it's not even the salmon. It's the solid, bright,

bold colors in these blazers. You know what I'm pretty sure it is? What? I forgot to ask Hannah. Is it every season you get like a gift bag when you show up and there's like they all got the same jacket so no like i guarantee you there's a blazer company that gifted all the guys different color blazers and so that's why you're seeing it spursed out i swear it's the same color it's all salmon pink i'm certain that's what happened but yes we, we were like, what is up with this? Is this in vogue? It's not attractive. I'm certain that's what it is.

I haven't asked, but I would be shocked if that's not it. Listen, I'm not mad at the movement. I like a bold jacket on a man. But, you know, some of these colors were odd, but that's okay. And Hannah got to see a lot of balls. Balls? Real balls. Oh, the real balls. Yeah. I come from a Scottish family. There have been a lot of balls at all of the weddings balls oh the real balls yeah yeah i come from a scottish family

there have been a lot of balls at all of the weddings balls very unattractive balls are very unattractive even michelle be honest if you saw tyler c's balls still not great really oh yeah i'm sure if you just saw his balls just the balls like you tucked him between his leg and kind of bent over and gave you a little. Of course I would like them. Really? That's what they do all the time. They just tuck them behind and show it to women like this. No, that's what I'm saying.

It's a very emasculating way to see a man's balls. But even then, you would be all. What about a hairy ball? What's the hairiest ball you've seen between one to ten? I can't go here. All right, just check in. I've seen. Anyway, I can't get into this. Like an eight.

Sometimes there's lack of balls. You ever encounter that? Where there's one gone. It's called a woman. All the time. Sometimes you're like, where did they go? I think you should warn someone. Okay, great.

We got to cut that out. No, definitely not. Yes. I wouldn't allow it. The woman said no. Her words, her choice. Her balls, her choice. Anyways. I won't allow it. The woman said no. Her words, her choice. Her balls, her choice. Anyways, thanks for sticking with us.

I think you guys are going to really enjoy this episode with Becca and Jess, the hosts of... Yes, what lovely women. Shout out to the broad squad. The broad squad. The chatty broads. So I hope you enjoy it. Don't forget to rate us five stars. Yes.

Whenever you have some time. Hi ladies. Hi. How are you? We have, for those of you listening on, on whatever platform we have, what? So many platforms.

There are some of them are watching and if the people are watching, they, well, they might recognize becca martinez yes and uh her trusty co-host of the chatty broads jess ambrose is it jessica jess jess jesse i like jess i like jess you seem like a jess like a jess right it's technically jessica but you know you don't seem like a jessica, yeah, no. I don't know. I need like long blonde hair to be a Jessica. Once you got your first tattoo, it was all Jessica.

It all. True, true, true. All the vowel or the consonants are just. What's your neck tattoo? It says burn bright, baby. Oh, yeah. My daughter's name is Ember. Oh, cute.

Amber, Ember. Ember with an E, yeah. Ambrose, but. Ember Ambrose Amber Ambrose Oh yeah That's a mouthful I can't wait She'll be like

Yeah I know Yeah She's gonna hate me She's introducing people My first day at work Amber Amber No Amber

No Ember Ember Amber Ambrose They're gonna think She's Amber Ambrose Amber Amber

She's gonna be like Yeah I know Just What do you wanna call me Whatever you want I don't care No she's ember ember ember ember she's gonna be like yeah i know just what do you want to call me whatever you want i don't care no she's gonna be only going by one name eventually it's just gonna be just ember yeah diamond at a strip club no i'm just kidding i have high hopes for her you know i'm kidding sorry wow this is going well. This is going so well. Two stars. She is three years old. My God. So just to warm you guys up,

Becca and Jess have a wonderful podcast called The Chatty Broads. And you guys have some diehard fans. Oh, we do. We send them out for good or for better or for worse. Kind of like bullies. I was like, I was on there. No, don't say that. They're going to come after us.

No, no, they won't. We're going to go on and be like, so literally some of our listeners will go, like after we have a guest, they'll go on and leave reviews for our guests on their podcast and put hashtag broad squad. Yeah, they did that. No, that's great.

I started getting dms me like why didn't you talk about the podcast that you did on their podcast on your podcast and why i'm like we'll get to it chill out man like like every podcast i've ever done i haven't been like so just just to recap i've done five podcasts this week and other people's and i just want to get some shout outs to each one of those unless you have to die hard fans so you're lucky to have them oh my god the broad squad is real yes what what i'm missing on this show is like uh uh well we have like my audience is predominantly women which is great but i the men we call them the 10 so i have that the 10 percenters i feel like i'm

leaving out most of my audience so the 10 percenters like to they proudly call themselves the 10 percenters we have the broad bros but i don't have a i don't have a name for the overall audience i mean i was thinking like vile files but in the way of like ph right oh that's cute like little like vile files. Like... Ooh. I don't even like the name of it. I don't want to say the word that you're thinking of. I don't know what other... What about Nick's chicks? No.

What about the boy? That could backfire. That sounds like a bunch of old women. I don't know why. Are you a Nick's chick? I'm a Nick's chick. You don't happen to be a Nick chick. Nick's chick.

Oh, boy. I love that. And then Nick's dicks. Oh, yeah. That's boy. I love that. And then Nick's dicks. Oh, yeah, that's good. I like that. Wow, Nick's chicks and dicks? I do like that. What about Nick's chicks and dicks?

You could intro, hello, morning, chicks and dicks. I like that. Just keep that T-shirt that says chicks and dicks. Happy Pride Month, chicks with dicks. Yeah. Oh, yeah. There you go. Inclusive. I know. There you go. Inclusive.

I know. I love this. So inclusive. Well, yeah. I wanted to have you guys on, not only because I was bullied to have you guys on. You're going to keep getting the one-star review. Yeah, you're not helping us out. I kid.

I kid. Well, we're glad to be here. We're very happy to be here. You have a nice studio. You're a nice man. And you have a nice podcast. I kid. Well, we're glad to be here. We're very happy to be here. You have a nice studio. You're a nice man. And you have a nice podcast. Nice man. I immediately sounded 70.

He's a nice man. You know? I always see him out there watering his lawn. Gave me a nickel for some gum. It was really sweet. He offered us cookies when we got here. That's your alter ego. Nice, Nick. Is Ari the same age as you, Nick?

Yeah. I think you're older. He's a little younger. He looks 20 years older than me. Oh, burn. Wow. Do you dye your hair? Nice. I have way more grays than you do. Yeah, me too. I don't believe in aging, so I don't.

You're manifesting looking 25 forever. I just look in the mirror every morning and go, mm-mm, not today. Not today. It's going to hit you today, father time. It's going to hit you like a bus when you're like 50. All of a sudden, you look 80. I am waiting for that day where I wake up and be like, it's over.

Have you made a deal with the devil probably oh somewhere along the line with joel steve sorry i'm not gonna bring in inside jokes uh well final episode we made it um you guys had a fun little topic or do you want to like we you know just for the people listening we already talked about the batch a little bit we're not going to get into episode five with with beck and jess because this was recorded before that it's like a whole time you can also go listen to it on our podcast because we do very in-depth uh very attempt do you have any coverage quick thoughts about the season so far oh wait what did we What did we say? Mike is so perfect. Mike is so perfect. Luke is so scary.

Tyler's so hot. Cam is so annoying, but now he's gone. But now Cam's gone. Cam is. On your Instagram page, is that a mock-up Bachelor poster

with Big Mike? Yes, I made that. You made that? Yes. Good for you. She's a Photoshop queen. I have a Photoshop app, so I can do it very quickly.

There he is. Look at him. He's so fantastic. I even did the tagline because it's about damn time. What does it say on his jacket? He's holding his jacket open. Oh, that's his thing.

I'm not sure what it says. It says, I love you, silly. No, it actually says your future baby daddy. Does it? Which I don't really like. I don't like that.

It's a little smarmy. That's not gonna work for him. Especially with his story. He did not lean into that. Anyway, he is a dreamboat and I am 100% behind fake Mike being The Bachelor. At this point, he could literally kill someone on the show and I still want him to be The Bachelor. Yeah, that's not

true. No, it's a borderline. Did you guys notice when Mike told his sad story, they didn't really find out what his sad story was yeah no i have no idea i'm curious that could you know he's like i really didn't i wasn't

there for yeah well are we gonna find that out maybe episode that does he have a one-on-one did he yes he has a one-on-one this week so we probably have already talked about it and

right now i don't know because I haven't watched the episode, but we opened this episode with talking about it. You're going to sound like a time traveler. I'm really curious about what I said. This is going to be wild. Oh, man, the Twilight Zone. Oh, man. Well, my guess is I'm going to make a prediction.

He's, I mean, he was in the Air Force, correct? Part of me thinks maybe he was gone. He's in the Air Force? Why aren't they talking about that more? He mentioned it at the beginning. Because he's not getting his air time. Well, also, we have already heard a bit of his sob story in the past, past, past, when he talked about his miscarriage with his former girlfriend.

No, no, no. I know what I'm saying. He said he wasn't there for her. And I don't know what he meant by that. I think he was deployed. This is my romantic perception. If that's the case why didn't they play that that's yes for that very reason be like oh you were serving our country

yeah yeah oh my god my panties would have been yeah like so but like that's why why didn't they if that was it you would feel like that would be a moment i was i was actually really confused because i was like maybe they're saving it for his one-on-one i was like was he not there for her while she was pregnant or like after the miscarriage? I was very confused on those. I will say they like to save those moments for the one-on-one.

That's true. So it is possible they were like, Mike, stop talking. Cut it out. Like that actually does happen. We're like, too soon. No, totally.

You don't know this but you're not going home yet. No, that totally, that actually happened for me where they were like, hey, can you guys stop talking about your families and i was like wait really yeah in date bro yeah they said that to you yeah no they were like can we like read and then i remember actually uh ari was just like why and he got kind of mad he's like why we want to talk about this

right now they were just like next week is home i mean in fairness this show yes that is a show and like if you like talk all about the juicy stuff at once, then... Yeah, and they won't be able to air it all if it's just a little 10-second blurb. You can't air it all. And I know when you want to get to know each other, it's like, oh, do you like ripped jeans? I like ripped jeans, but America's not interested in if you both like ripped jeans. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Hold on. Paint the picture for me. Are you in an intimate moment on a date, and then some guy comes running with his headphones on? Well, everyone's standing. He's like like stop it everyone's standing there like the producer is standing like this Ari Ari make it better make it better I heard I heard that Ari wasn't necessarily easy to work with as the lead and

he was kind of like listen at the end of the day as the lead you were you are there if I've said that you're there to find love it's genuine it's real you're also the lead of the show a show so you have to like help with the show in terms of producing it and that is there's a like there's a time and a place to have certain conversations that's fine that's normal that's not doesn't make it inauthentic you're just like hey listen do you like this person yes well we don't need their whole story right now do you think they that uh they said the same thing about colton after his season that he was difficult i think he was difficult in a different way. But sure. Okay.

In what way were you difficult? I wasn't. Oh, that's nice. Very pliable child. No, I mean, listen, I had a relationship with them and I understood that. You understood what was expected of a child. I think sometimes, in fairness to leads,

it can be very nerve-wracking I think you understood what was expected. I understood. Like, I think sometimes in fairness to leads is it's, it can be very nerve wracking and you still feel like, if can I trust these people? Do they have my best interest in mind? It's very easy to get paranoid in that world. In fairness to anyone who's in it, even for the lead. And I, at that point,

I had a great relationship with the producers and I just chose to trust them. And I was like, listen, this is what I want. This is, I communicated with them all my feelings i was very open with them so i wasn't worried about them using it against me and they in return were very open with me so i was like hey like this is what you know how i feel it was a mutually beneficial relationship uh i chose to trust them and then therefore they gave me they they trusted me and and i think so it just depends if if if leads are gonna like i've heard leads will like not tell

the producers who their favorites are it's like fine well then you're kind of only fucking yourself because that you know you're getting your head about like well i don't want to tell them because they're gonna they're gonna mess with this person. And they're, again, they're producing a show, but they're not as cynical as, like sometimes people make themselves out to be in their head. Sure, sure, sure, sure. As these big, bad, evil people

who are just trying to screw you over kind of thing. Yeah, so it's kind of what you make of it. And I just chose to trust them. And for the most part, I had a great experience, working with them i think it works better for you like that too even as a contestant like if you can kind of just not be difficult and just kind of it's funny i i knew somebody through a friend who just went on hannah's season was off night one um off was he the guy they were killed he was um a surfer and he was yeah hunter you mentioned hunter last week so you know he

mentioned something to a friend where he was just like oh there he is yeah hunter yeah he's more handsome i mean like i saw his photos on his Instagram. He's cuter than that. He looks short. I don't know. Wow, Nick. I don't know, but. I think he was little. But he was like, yeah, when I was doing my intro package, they were trying to make me do this cheesy stuff on the beach, and I just wasn't having it.

And I'm like, dude, you're not going to. That's why you went home, bro. Exactly. No, exactly. Don't be difficult. Don't think you're too good for the show. That happens. It's like, why did you come here?

Yeah, why do you think you're too good for it? And why are you? It doesn't make them make them you know you can not be difficult like some some cast members will show up and point out cameras and they'll tell other cast members that the producers are all fucking with totally and then you know that's a good way to go home especially if the lead's not like if the lead's like yeah they're fine but like whatever i don't care yeah they're cute sure but like they're not my top four you know now you're you're you're out yeah you're also not gonna get any air people are like why didn't i get airtime it's like well maybe you weren't saying anything provocative or interesting that's not that yeah but like just don't be a dick

you know well yeah of the people you're working with yeah and so yeah you can be a dick on camera then you'll get your airtime sure but like just don't be difficult or like ruin the process and like you're kind of ruining it for other people, you know, kind of thing. Yeah. And again, in fairness to producers,

like, you know, they have a job to do but like sometimes they're, they just want people to express themselves. And be themselves. And like. They want to be

the most outrageous versions of themselves. I had a really fun time like with the producers. Anyway, we can go on about Bachelor stuff forever. I think we have a fun, some fun topics like with the produce. Anyway, we can go on about bachelor stuff forever. I think we have a fun, some fun topics

we were gonna get into that we decided to talking about FOMO and loneliness. Ooh. You know, a bunch of other stuff. Hashtag relatable. Getting to know each other. Before we get into that, we're gonna take a quick break. I mean, I know we talk about natural habits a little bit.

For good reason. Jess and Becca are proud customers of the natural actual fans yeah and so you are so kind to send some our way what a nice man we're such a nice man nice nick nice nick I'm the nicest person I know I really I really am Rochelle it's a joke Rochelle she It's a joke, Rochelle. She's like, I don't care. I'm just going to let people know. He's not that great. Nope.

No, he was so nice. And he sent us some of the natural habits. And listen, I am an essential oils snob. It's hard to please me. And this is actually some of the best. Well, it's hard to find USDA or certified organic essential oils. And that's what these are. In fact, I'll let you tell your story in a second.

But I just want to say that I got a migraine the other day. And I can't remind you. Was it clarity or which one? Center. Center of the roll-on. It's okay that you haven't memorized it. I know one of the other ones. Clearly, I've looked.

So I was just rubbing it all over my forehead and my temples. The roll-on. You know, I love the peppermint and help with my nausea and everything it was great so i literally have it on my bedside table yeah and i liked it so much that it's father's day coming up and i'm like this is my dad burns candles like nobody's business and i'm always lecturing him that's not good and after like experimenting with yours in my bedroom, it was so nice. First of all, it's romantic. Put that in the bedroom, people. It's nice. It smells amazing. And it's a sexy diffuser. It's very nice. So, you know, I thought I'd give my dad a sexy diffuser.

It is. Listen, I'm a guy. I use essential oils. I mean, like my audience on the podcast, my customer base is about 90 women which is great but i think men can benefit from it too for the fathers out there for the men in your life the men who have it all they have it all like for their home office they have they get stressed out uh they have anxiety uh help them out and it's safer than candles your air fresheners that are synthetic um try it out. Try Natural Habits. NHOils.com.

All new customers get 20% off. Free shipping domestically. And they're safe, too, by the way, for pregnant women, which I just was. If you like baths, put a few drops in a nice warm bath. It's the best. A little lavender, a little peppermint. Yeah. Or you can, you know, instead of wool sheets, instead of, you know, dryer sheets that are

poisonous, you get a wool ball, cut a couple drops. I do that. I do. And put it in a freshen up, freshen up your laundry. NHOs.com. Try them out. And if you give it to the guy in your life, it's one of those great gifts where you give it to them and then kind of use it.

Yeah, totally. You benefit. It's the perfect gift. You're still a hero and they'll love it. So Father's Day is coming up. God, you got a sexy website. Get your orders in now.

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It's a very gender neutral gift. All right. Great. Ladies. Becca, you had a great idea. I asked, what do you guys want to talk about? I think it was actually Jess's idea. Was it?

I have to give her credit. She is the brain and mind of this operation. Oh my God, I'm going to cry. You're just... I give her credit. She is the brain and mind of this operation. Oh my God, I'm gonna cry. You're just... I'm the soul.

You're the soul. I was gonna say like the face, the... No, that's actually more realistic. This is a talentless face. I am the Instagram followers

to promote my... Isn't that funny when people say that where they're like, you have no talent, you were just on a show. And I'm like. So what do you do?

Yeah. What do you do now? What do you do? What do you do with all your. Or would I say something like I say like, oh, I work from home. And then people are like, what? What's your job? And I'm like, OK, you haven't caught on to this yet.

I see. OK, well, no, Jess's idea was this term is coined from who? So Tracy Ellis Ross was in an interview. I know, right? Name drop. I don't even know what it is, but it sounds great. Diana Ross's daughter. If you have three names.

She's an amazing actress. Yeah, she's an amazing actress. And she was talking about the concept. She's single, doesn't really want kids. And the idea of being alone and this term making friends with loneliness. So that was kind of our topic idea was making friends with loneliness. I make friends with loneliness all the time. Well, that's why I actually thought it would be interesting

because you're very lonely. No, I'm just kidding. You're single. Tell me about me, Becca. You're a very lonely, sad man. I don't know this, Nick, but I'm just looking at you. You seem lonely. Did you see? this, Nick, but I'm just looking at you. You just seem lovely. Did you see?

Well, no, you probably didn't. Did you see my Instagram story yesterday? It was kind of funny. I'll pull it up. Were you crying or something? I was kind of pretending. You were crying? I was in the car and my Bluetooth wasn't on.

What's the song where it was? I want to know what love is. And I just started recording my face and I just zoomed in and I just looked like it was. It was. It did well. Bachelor round two. Didn't they have someone come on twice as the bachelor? Yeah.

Yeah. Yes. But no, but truthfully, though, it's I'm lonely all the time. Yeah. Constantly. He really is. More often than not, I'm lonely all the time. Yeah. Constantly. He really is. More often than not, I'm lonely. Well, are you alone or are you lonely?

See, there's a difference between the two. Both. And also, as I've gotten older, I'm very comfortable with being alone. Yes. I had a hot date last night. It actually went quite well. Really? Yeah, I'm optimistic.

Well, you had a date last night, but the night before, we're neighbors. And so the night before, you called me because something had fallen through. And you were like, hey, I'm just going home to make a frozen pizza. And I was like, honey, you can come over and make your frozen pizza here. And so we did. But we actually got onto this topic of being at a certain age or kind of coming to a point in your life people are getting married they have children and there is a level of FOMO that happens but I was saying to Nick like but I'm also pretty happy in my loneliness well sometimes there's the opposite

where you're getting married or having children before all of your friends so I'm the first in my a lot of my aside from Jess the first in my friends to have a baby. And a lot of people don't really understand that. And I'm just kind of like, come over. I want you over. Did you have a baby just to, you were tired of people calling you baby Becca? Yeah. Yeah.

I thought that, you know, people thought I was mature. So I was like, you know what? You know, it's the ultimate act of maturity. Getting knocked up two months into a relationship that is the definition of maturity and ruthie is the ultimate brand yeah ruthie is so good for my brand no yeah i mean i think as you get older now the reason i brought up my date is just you know we're you know in the first date you're kind of talking about you know like your dating history or whatever and i always get the like do you even want a girlfriend

kind of thing um and i'm like listen i'm just very comfortable and i do i'm comfortable being alone it's a great place and i take pride in the fact that um i don't need a girlfriend in the sense that i think a lot of people in relationships are in relationships because they need someone. And then sometimes that's when things like infidelity happen or complacency happens because when they really think about it, they're in this relationship, maybe at first they liked the person,

but that fear of not having someone on a Sunday afternoon to go to the flea market with. Totally. Or like, and it's another Wednesday night, especially as you get older, where your married friends are hanging out and you're just kind of like, well, I could go out and I don't wanna do that

because I'm older and I don't need to go clubbing on a Wednesday. Right, that's just depressing. Or I could just like sit here by myself and read. And so like it's, that sometimes, like it's a lonely feeling. Yeah, and I think the thing about loneliness too that's so, it just stretches across everyone because it's not just,

it's something like sexuality. Everyone feels lonely. Like as a single person, you feel lonely. As I'm married with a kid and I feel lonely all the time. And I love my husband and I love my child, but there's moments you can be in a room full of people. Oh yeah. And you can be out clubbing and be the loneliness you've ever felt loneliness you've ever felt when you brought that up i thought about that because like

to your point everyone has a way of feeling lonely i do think our society makes it easier to feel even more lonely with things like social media and are you guys saying lonely as in like yearning for something other than yourself or Or are you saying like... I think that's a really good way of explaining it. Or of seeking deeper connection. Because sometimes you can have all of these surface level friends and still feel like you're not really seen or known. And I would say that for me, that's my definition of loneliness,

is not being seen. Like not being connected or not seeing others, just being disconnected from your fellow. And like Nick said too, like when it comes to social media, it's really screwed us up because there's this weird, almost like virtual reality version of not being alone.

So you're in your home and you're seeing people and you are kind of interacting with people. Like my God, Black Mirror has like interactive TV shows. You feel for a moment like you're not alone and it's kind of this head fake. And yet you are alone well you also you also see the perception of everyone on social media having it's a great time the highlight reel of and then you're like well how was it and they're like the next day like that's fine you know yeah and you didn't miss out on anything it's all like surface level connections that you're making and where are the deep conversations.

And that really is what makes us feel alive, isn't it? I will say at the same time, social media can do the opposite. Like I was posting the other night of as I tend to do every now and then I was just like, I feel really trapped right now by my daughter because she's exclusively breastfeeding and she won't take a bottle. And even now I'm like looking at the time because I'm like, oh god i have this many hours until she's gonna break down and it makes me feel a little trapped but as i was talking about that on my uh instagram i had so many mothers including like some people from the bachelor like even amanda stanton was like my girls were the same

way like i went through that and like just actually having that kind of community online can actually sometimes be at on the opposite end really empowering and i'm like oh i feel so much less alone i'm so glad that this will pass and i know other people go through the same thing when have you felt the loneliest this is such a good question jess why don't you answer first oh that's tough um i mean i would say like becca was, as far as having a baby, I was the first of my friends to get married and the first to have a child. And I love my daughter, but she was a surprise. I was not planning to have her when I had her. And the first few months of her life, I just felt I was devastated. I was alone constantly. And I was checking social media

constantly because I was just sitting there seeing all my friends going out, having a great old time. And she's stuck to my boot. Like you were grounded. A little bit. A little bit. Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, that process something that was so necessary for me because I did realize that I was in a position where I wasn't willing to really just sit and see myself.

And I had to like take this moment and be like, this is an opportunity for me to like date me. I need to fall in love with myself here. I'm by myself. What am I going to do? I'm going to get to know me. Well, you know, it was a lot of introspection. well you know it was a lot of introspection um i little things like this might sound silly but i'd look in the mirror and i would literally talk to myself i'd talk through what i was kind of processing and i would say it out loud and i would say what i was sad about and i'd say what i was

frustrated about but then i always would try to follow through with something positive like listen you know that you're fun you know that you're smart you know that you're fun. You know that you're smart. You know that you have friends. And that ended up putting me in a position where I realized that so much of my loneliness had really started to debilitate me in like a depression way where- Totally.

You know, but then you stop reaching out because you're depressed and you think, oh my God, nobody wants to hang out with me anymore because I'm a boring ass mom. I want to speak to this. No one likes me. And yeah, and then you get stuck in this rut and then you stop reaching out. Well, there's.

OK, so my loneliest time was I was in college and my first year of college. I had a really serious boyfriend who moved down south with me. I was going to UC Irvine and I made the mistake because I had never moved to a new place before. I took for granted all the friends I had had all my life. And I didn't try to develop new relationships with people. And I didn't maintain relationships. And then we broke up. And it was not only devastating because of the breakup,

but I suddenly looked around and I was like, I, fuck, I have no one. And it was actually kind of crazy because I was so depressed. And any friend that would be like a new friendship, I was like, hey, let's hang out. Like I was like clinging on to them. And I could tell that the way my energy was, people didn't want to be around me. Like I was not fun at that time. That can be true too.

And it was like a trap. Like I could tell no one, I was like that desperate person, not for romantic relationships, but for platonic friendships. That happened to me once in a early breakup where I took it really hard and I was really self-loathing

and I always wanted to talk about it. And then I got mad at my friends because they didn't have my back. And then I was like, dude, I wouldn't want to hang out with me either yeah I was like and you kind of you project that that negative energy and your friends are like dude I can't I can't deal with right now and especially not new friends so new friends are like oh well no that's that's I'm talking about like my best friends who are like I love you but like let me know when you stop sucking yeah that can be a a real thing well so now I have like this what I kind of call like my best friends who are like i love you but like let me know when you stop sucking yeah that can be a a real thing well so now i have like this what i kind of call like my loneliness

trauma like every once in a while i'll be like fuck do i have like enough friends like have i been nurturing my relationships because like i'm afraid that they're gonna slip through my fingers like i call that thursday night you go into the weekend what am i doing the worst part is is when you like when i mean anytime i'm feeling down or like it's it's very easy for me to compound and make it worse you ever have those days where you're like you maybe text or reach out to a couple people put out those feelers and they don't get back to you and then you like it's nine o'clock at night and you're like you think to yourself yeah i want to go out my My hair's looking good today. I don't know, I'm feeling myself. And you're like, kind of want to go out. You put out some feelers and then no one gets back to you. And then it's like, it's like 10, 945. You're like, you kind of like have that moment to yourself. You're like, I don't think this is happening. And then all of a sudden you're just like, you're thinking, and then you kind of reflect on the day.

You're just like, I could have died. I don't, how many days would go by before they find my body? Because no one's called me. No one's reached out. Like, I could be rotting here. I could be rotting. I live by myself. I don't have a dog.

Like at what point does my body start smelling before my neighbors be like, is Nick? Shug's like, what is that? And I, and I really get depressed and feel sorry for myself about like, and then I start thinking to myself, like, do people even like hanging out with me?

Like, am I obnoxious? We're like, am I just not a cool hang? Like I will go down a rabbit hole where I'm just like, it's actually kind of nice to hear this from a boy, isn't it? Yes.

Yeah. Every Thursday night. abbott hall where i'm just like it's actually kind of nice to hear this from a boy isn't it yes yeah every thursday night also but also like this is gonna sound dumb but it's like oh i'd look at you and be like you're a cool guy who probably like has a lot of friends and goes out a lot like i i would think that and then hearing you say that i'm like oh thank god like i'm not the only person who goes through this self-deprec whirlwind. It's all perspective. I feel very fortunate throughout my life. I feel very fortunate to have the number of friends that I have. And because, you know, I never settled down and had a family,

I keep making new friends in my life. It's, you know, sugar and I haven't been that friends for that long. I've only known her for like a year and a half. And I've met Rochelle when we started doing the show and like the bachelor experience, you meet a bunch of new friends. And I'm still like best friends with people I even went to high school with. Right. So I'm very fortunate that way. People I used to work with and let you grow apart or closer as time

goes on. But as you live your life and you settle, it's not the same type of friendships you had in high school or college. Every day you had a group of friends and every day. Your crew. Every day you knew you were hanging. It wasn't like, do you want to hang out tomorrow? It was, I'll see you tomorrow. Yeah. Like, what are we doing tomorrow?

And this, that certainty of having that core group was great. And as you become adult, like that just doesn't happen. And that can be hard to cope with. You're just like, fuck, I suck. Like I got dumped by all my friends i know we just don't see it coming there needs to be like billboards or something yeah oh we're loneliness awareness and then you have like you're you know strick and i are talking about we have friends that like they're in relationships and like and they disappear we

don't get invited and you're thinking i'm a good fifth wheel man like i'll come hang i don't i don't like talk about being single like i'm not that guy who shows up at the friend group be like well you guys look super happy i wish i had someone no i'm a cool i'm a cool fifth wheel i think this is a good psa though i think it's a good psa listen single people invite your married friends out and married friends invite your single friends out or whoever. Like everyone, everyone feels alone. We're all in it together. Sometimes I don't want to go to game night because I don't want to hear about your stories.

I don't. But I still want the invite. Yes. Like, let me say no. Yeah. You know, and I will invite you sometimes to the like the night scene that I go out to that you don't want to because you're going to be at bed by 9. 45 but i bet you want me to ask yes yes i want to still feel cool i want to still i want to be wanted that's all i want doesn't everyone well it's also hard as you get

older too your relationships with the people you've had forever do change too where like i know with some of my friends i still have since high school i'm like well uh we used to smoke weed and walk around Target. And I don't think we're going to do that anymore. We could, but it's not going to be as fun as when we were 15. So what does our new relationship look like? And that can be difficult.

There's so much navigating that comes with it. Once in high school, I used to work at a grocery store. And on a Friday night, me and my friends went to go buy candy that was fun like you guys want to get soda and chips

those were the best times of my life the greatest but I went on the intercom where they would announce like it's discounts

on aisle three and I went and sung Roxanne from the police oh that's great now one of my friends actually had a like a police interceptor,

like radio interceptor. I don't know how we got that, but we used to drive around and go past drive-thrus because you could intercept their intercom and like mess

with their orders. Yeah. And like, it was crazy. And you could also go past Walmart and like how they have little radios.

Like we would literally be like, this is Jacob. I'm going to clock out early and they'd be like, okay, like that sounds good. And we'd be like talking to have little radios like we would literally be like this is Jacob I'm gonna clock out early and they'd be like okay like that sounds good and we'd be like talking to people and they're like Jacob you just keep clocking out early you're fired if you did that now would you like at what point

you'd be like I'm a terrible person I'm a degenerate who are you like what man I don't have anything to do I'm just intercepting drive-thruers yeah no We hit a certain point. Who are you? Like what, man? I don't have anything to do. I'm just intercepting drive-thru orders. Yeah, no.

So how do you cope with, come on guys, let's give people, how do you make friends with being lonely? How did you, you talk to yourself in the mirror. Yes, I talked to myself in the mirror, but I think it was, it really was reframing things. And I think reframing is so important. Like I could look at it and be like, nobody likes me.

I'm all alone. I'm a mother now. Nobody cares. And do this whole like, you know, self-damaging thing and talk negatively to myself. Or you can reframe it in a way of I'm enjoying being alone right now because I might not have this opportunity for a few months to just be alone and get to know who I am. I'm going to learn about who I am. And I think reframing just in general is something that is really vital. You can go out and say, I'm alone eating at a restaurant. Or you can make it a little more romantic and be like, here I am at this restaurant eating alone. People are probably wondering, who's she with? Is she alone?

Oh, my God. Is she French? Like, whatever. That is true. Is she French? No, when I first moved to Chicago, the first month was really, it was great because I only knew a couple people. And to that point, it made sense to myself that I didn't know a lot of people. And so because it made sense to myself, I gave myself permission to do things I wouldn't

normally do, say, in Milwaukee when I had a group of friends. Like I date night with myself. Literally, in myself, I call that I would go to like a Chicago steakhouse and I would sit at the bar and I'd order a steak and have a glass of wine and I'd be totally content. And there was no like self-judgment. I was having a great time. Until month two rolled around well yeah but like and then like i mean i become missed the mysterious guy i mean i've never

been hit on so much then that's it's always a group of women be like so why are you here by yourself oh yeah there's nothing sexier than a man i would go to a bar after work and i would just go sit and have a beer and like usually if i was a different time i'd be like i'm a loser i'm at a bar drinking by myself but when i first moved to Chicago, the first two weeks, I knew I like, I gave, I literally gave myself permission. And so I'd go and the hot bartenders would be like, oh, so why are you here by yourself? I'm like, oh, I just moved here. I don't know anyone.

Oh, really? Do you want to go to a concert with me and my hot friends? I'm like, yeah, that'd be great. And it was like this whole, and it's so funny because, yeah, I mean, I wasn't lying. I had the story to tell, but there was literally no difference in doing it in the first two weeks than doing it literally at any point. Two years. You just are confident in the fact of, because like, let's say it wasn't moving.

Let's say I did that now, right? And someone's came out and I'd be like, you know, to be honest, my friends were out of town and I felt like just going out and being around people and i had no one to go with so i just decided to come and just figure out me and like i guarantee you if i said it like that and i and a girl walked up she wouldn't like think i'm a loser she'd be like of course not come hang out and play darts with me and my friends and i'd be like yeah i'll play darts with you you know i mean yeah and even just in a friendship way so we go to this wine tasting down the street at this little corner bar. And I see people there all the time, wine tasting by themselves. And I'm like, wow, props to you.

That's the thing. And again, I say this, that I've never done this in LA. And I don't do it because I feel like a loser. Because we create narratives. But I have to. Yes. And I have to remind myself because to your point, Becca, the people who do that and when they look like they are totally happy doing that and they have a smile on their face, there's not a person who sees that that doesn't think, I wish I could do that. Right. And whatever energy you put out, that's what you're going to attract. So if you go and you're like slumped by yourself feeling like I'm so depressed and I'm so alone at a coffee shop, you're probably not going to be attracting the type of friendships

maybe that you want or people in general. But if you are sitting at a coffee shop, you're probably not going to be attracting the type of friendships maybe that you want more people in general. But if you are sitting at a Starbucks by yourself and you are framing it in the way of I'm enjoying this time alone. You're sitting casually like you are right now. Sitting casually, watching the people go by. Not a place to be. Yeah, feeling mysterious.

Like you're going to attract. Feeling French. Feeling very French. Sitting there with your French self. The mixologist bartender, sir, like how'd you get that mustache to curl up that way? It's so cool. Wow. Exactly, exactly. But yeah, I think it's, yeah, what you put out, you're going to attract. And there's something really beautiful about embracing that time in your life, I think, when you do feel alone. I love what you said about dating yourself

and getting to know yourself and falling in love with yourself is just so key. And why wouldn't you take that beautiful person to the movies for the night or whatever? What's your favorite thing to do alone? Besides masturbating. Yeah, that was like literally the first thing that- Everyone.

Everyone's brain went right there. That's my go. Just like- I'd rather not do that in front of people, honestly. Everyone's different. Not in front of's different You don't want a whole audience No actually Sometimes an audience is kind of hot More often than not I'd rather be alone

What's your favorite thing to do by yourself I love going and getting a drink alone I think it's so nice I love going to a bar drink alone I think it's so nice I love going to a bar to people watch, to sit by myself and just, I don't know deep breaths I do like going to a coffee shop and working

and I like the energy of the people also I like getting a watermelon and cutting it in half and then grabbing a spoon are we talking about masturbating right now? yeah, I can see how you went there. That was a mess by me.

I make one hole. I cut the watermelon in half. And listen, I put it in the oven for 350 degrees for like a quick 10 minutes. You put the watermelon in the oven? For warmth. For like human warmth.

I like eating a watermelon. My favorite way to eat a watermelon is you just cut it in half and grab a spoon. Just go for it. Not in public, right? And you're just like, yeah, no, by myself. And I like put on a movie and I'm just like scooping watermelon out of the bowl. It's like a self-made bowl. That's why you have a six pack.

I'm scooping ice cream. You're scooping watermelon. I eat plenty. I eat too much scooping watermelon I I I eat plenty I eat too much sugar I know what I like to do I like to go to the museum like the art museum

by myself because I hate going I hate going to the museum with other people because you try to go on a date then you're like

am I going at the right pace am I like staring at this painting too long maybe they're bored like I just I also like going to the movies by myself because I don't want to talk to the person with me.

I just want to sit and enjoy my movie. So, but the museum especially, I know that is kind of like an intellectual flex, but it's still like, it's kind of fun. You could just like go somewhere where you can look at things, like maybe not even a museum, even just at the store.

Like I love just taking as long as I want in each aisle. I love grocery shopping by myself. I put in a podcast and i just really take my time like do i need this do i need that i make it a nice leisurely event do you ever go to the grocery store and not know what to get i just walk through the i wonder i wonder it's like a dark hole for me i'll get anxiety be like i don't know what i want because also I'm a single serving guy because I'm lonely yeah and I go to the grocery store like five times a week because I don't

because I don't grocery shop because I don't I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow yeah Shug might be like hey do you want to get some dim sum and I'll be like

god damn right I do and then like the the food I bought it's just gonna go to waste and so I'll go every day and so usually when I go to a grocery shop it's kind of like what, what do I want to eat tonight? And there's like a 10 minutes of like anxiety of like, I don't know what to get. I'm in the grocery store.

Really? Yeah. I don't know why. It's because of that. It's because I don't have like a menu of what I'm going to make. And it does. It gives me a bit of time. Amazon Fresh, guys. Amazon Fresh. I can't do that. They'll deliver in like two hours. But then you have to look up particularly what you want. That's what's hard about Amazon Fresh for me. I prefer to go to Trader Joe's

because it's small so I can just wander through every aisle and just pick up what I need as I go. I don't need a list. I don't need a plan. Trader Joe's,

great pickup spot. Oh, great pickup spot. I have gotten asked out on dates. You have or haven't? Yes, at Trader Joe's multiple times. Nowhere else. Just Tr't? yes at Trader Joe's multiple times nowhere else just Trader Joe's Trader Joe's

they have a really good playlist yeah I don't know Whole Foods is not it's a little too sexy I don't want to pick up anyone at Whole Foods Trader Joe's there's going to be some douchey Venice guy who thinks he's better than me because he juices celery every morning.

And I'm just, no. Also, I have a boyfriend now. I live in Venice. And while I do make a vegetable smoothie every morning that includes celery, but it's not the juice. It also has the fiber in it. You need the fiber. I'm over this whole celery juice craze.

It's wasteful. It is. And it's expensive. Now, since everyone's doing it, it's jacked up the price of celery to like six bucks a bundle. I put spinach, celery, a cucumber,

a little bit of orange juice and blueberries and ice and I put water in it and I blend it and I drink the pitcher every morning. Protein or no protein in it?

Most of the time I don't put protein. That sounds good. Then I'll work out and then I'll have a bunch of eggs afterwards. There you go, guys. Sounds lovely. A bunch of eggs. I had't put protein. That sounds good. Then I'll work out and then I'll have a bunch of eggs afterwards. There you go, guys. A bunch of eggs.

I had an ex who after he worked out would make like six eggs just because he was like. I had like four. But I also like. Like raw. Like it's gone. I'm not doing it to like, you know, bulk up. I'm not like a. I'm not the beefiest.

Gains. Yeah. I don't worry about my gains. I'm just trying to like. I thought you were a Luke P kind of guy. No. No. But yeah, I do. Yeah. I don't worry about my gains. I'm just trying to like- I thought you were a Luke P kind of guy. No, no. But yeah, I do.

Yeah, I, but I'm not a normal, I'm not a Venice guy, you know? I'm just a guy who lives in Venice. I'm just a nice man. Yeah. Just a nice man in Venice. I think movies are great though too. I wish more people would go to the movies by themselves.

I love going to the movies by myself. It seems like- Because then you can really sob and cry if you need to. You're so right. And there's also some camaraderie with the people in the theater. You're all laughing together. Well, that's why- You were scared too.

That's why I like seeing it with someone. Because I like to look over and be like, did you think that was funny? Because I thought it was funny. We both thought that was funny. And we have the same sense of humor. Yay. Oh, that's true.

There's that. But a concert's kind of like a movie. You go, you enjoy it. Could you go to a concert by yourself? I would. Many times. I wish I could. I'm sad to say I don't have,

being on the show hasn't helped. I feel like you should exercise this part of yourself. No, no. When I went to, I went to Coachella, I had been working on it. I went to Coachella the second weekend this year. And the second time going out, a very terrible time the first, I went to Coachella the second week in this year and the second time going

out a very terrible time. The first year I went for a lot of those reasons. I went, didn't went to, didn't go with a great group and I kept losing friends and I kept feeling, felt, I felt very alone in a place with a bunch of people. Yeah.

And so I got invited with a good group, but I knew that Coachella being what it was, like I had no expectations and I kind of decided that i'm not gonna even though i want to hang out these people if i'm gonna lose them at some point i know i am i'm just not gonna worry about so a couple times i found myself walking around coachella by myself and just enjoying the music and it was a not only a fun time a liberating time i if i'm being honest there were times i get anxiety about it because, you know, getting recognized. I,

I feel like more like if I was, you know, like if someone says, Oh, it's, it's Nick. Are you Nick? And like,

well, what are you doing? Like, who are you with? And I'm just, just, you know, we're here.

Yeah. Do you ever have a, I struggle with that. I still, I still shouldn't, but I, if I'm being honest, but I did go to Coachella and I did that and it was very, was it was liberating i i walked around and watched ariana grande with

ariana grande sweatshirt amazing i did have the hoodie on and i was kind of like chill would you this sounds kind of fucked up but i would have the fear in that situation that people would ask me to hang out with them and i wouldn't want to that too you know because they're like oh you're by yourself just hang out with us. And you're like, I'm meeting some friends. People are trying to be sweet. And it's not a personal thing. Like sometimes, that's another thing.

Sometimes you want to be by yourself. But Nicoletta, what I'm hearing from you is like, we got to stop creating these narratives for ourselves about like when it's appropriate to be alone and when it's not.

And when it's embarrassing to be alone and when it's not. And like, you know, how you're talking about when you first moved and you're like, I'm allowed to be alone and when it's not and when it's embarrassing to be alone and when it's not and like you know how you're talking about when you first moved and you're like i'm allowed to be alone like that's in this narrative i am supposed to not have friends and sometimes you set up narratives like damn i'm two years into living in this place and i still don't have friends and then there's this panic of like i you know then it's like i'm not doing i'm doing something wrong like i should have friends at this point. I don't.

It is very much that I feel the long, I've said this before. I feel the loneliest when I'm feeling sorry for myself and then self-critical. And then I really compound it. And when I'm not thinking about it, if I'm like painting alone, four hours will go by. I won't think about that. I'm doing it by myself. I'll quite, quite enjoy it. I mean, just like dancing and painting and drinking wine just like having a night yeah well when you don't ruminate i think

rumination is really is really the killer when uh you feel alone like if you're able to distract yourself if you're able to distract yourself with painting it's crazy how quickly you'll be able to move on i think taking a step outside too like don't just sit i mean it's nice to be alone in your house but sometimes you need to be alone in your house, but sometimes you need to be like, I need, recognize when you need a breakout and be like,

I'm just going to go for a walk around the neighborhood. You need to feel the breeze. I do like a good walk by myself. Me too. I've started to enjoy that as I've lived my life. Volunteering is good too.

Yes. A lot of people. Well, selfless acts are the best to do. Because it takes you out of what you're talking about. Feeling sorry, being narcissistic. Yeah, exactly.

You can't feel sorry for yourself when you're helping other people. And the other thing is, say hello to a stranger. Make a comment to the parking guy. Compliment them. Have even those 30-second exchanges. Pay it forward. Buy a person a cup of coffee in the back of the line. That stuff does work. I have done that

in the past and it does. It's like anything else. It's like exercise and you forget about it. It worked and you stop doing it. Everyone should do more of it. But that stuff does really work. It does. Saying hi to random people. Smiling at people. Smiling.

Asking people about their day. Really never thinking about yourself yeah sure i mean truly it really it really helps and it's hard we've become more like our society has become more selfish and self-indulgent through social media and that's why i do sometimes remind myself to in the dating world or just in the friend world when we when we tend to feel sorry for ourselves and then like judge ourselves and make all the start criticizing ourselves the reality is in most cases everyone is is doing that but it's they're not it's they're they're not thinking you're a loser they're just not thinking about you and it's not because they don't care about

you everyone's thinking about themselves we're all just thinking about ourselves. And as a result, we're not thinking about one another. So it's not that they're judging you. They just don't give a shit. We all do that. I'm the same way. I mean, like every time I'm this, like, I'm so worried about people thinking of me. And then I'm like, what have I done to think of others? I mean, I try to consciously think about that.

Or when I'm in a conversation, I'm venting to someone. I'm like, thanks for listening for 15 minutes. But wait, I haven't asked you about your day. You know, stuff like that. Well, and it can even be, we talked about this with body image, where we're so consumed with how we look. I have to remind myself, girl, I don't look at Jess and I'm like, oh, you know, whatever my insecurity is. Oh, like, it looks like her eyebrows need to be plucked or oh, it looks like, no, we look plucked or oh, it looks like, no, we look at ourselves because we're obsessed with ourselves. I'm not obsessed with how you look, Rochelle.

I'm not obsessed how you look, Jess. Nick, I'm not picking apart your outfit because I don't care. I care about me. Every time you take a group photo, what's the first thing you look at? Yourself. This picture is so great, guys.

Should we post this one? Everyone else's eyes are closed. And you're just like glowing like no guys no it's candid it's candid we look like we're having fun like no guys come on like no it's the most organic photo we could possibly find well it's going on my feed so i'm posting it sorry um also by the way there's a website i can't remember what it's called but if you google like volunteering near me there's a website that will help you narrow down different volunteer opportunities one day or ongoing or for different categories do you like helping animals do you like helping elderly people if you just look up volunteer near

me the the website will pop up it's like a very well that's very helpful so that's a good that's a good resource i remember when i was 28 and i i wanted it was hard to volunteer it It was literally, I was in Milwaukee and I finally did it through my church. It was like. How do I find opportunities? I thought it'd be so easy. Yeah. The first time I tried to sign up, they're like, well, it costs this and you have to like fill out this app.

I'm like, dude, I just want to show up and help someone up. Yeah. So it seems like it's getting easier. So that's pretty cool. It definitely is. The internet does help in that way. I was just going to say, I think like one of the final things to really process through, like obviously you want to think about like putting your focus on someone else

is so beneficial. But I always think about there's the Buddha said, um, say it goes right. Universal peace comes through individual happiness. And I feel like when we're growing up and young, we're talking like the memories that you have with your friends, like running around. That's like so many years of our life where we're

being influenced by our friends, our family, whatever environment we are. And we don't necessarily know who we are. So you're just like just a culmination of all these different pieces. And then when you finally have an opportunity where you are feeling or being like alone, even if you don't have the choice, I feel like it's a great opportunity to be like, okay, now's the time in my life where I get to really find out who I am. Not because of my friends, not because of my parents, not because of my environment, like who am I? So I don't know. I feel like you take advantage of that when you can. That's true. Volunteer match, by the way, is the website. Volunteer match. that's true uh volunteer match by the way is the website volunteer match and i i was also just thinking like um you know you were saying something about like being i can't remember who said it being friendly towards people and i was just thinking doing little things to get you

out of your comfort zone challenging your own personal comfort zone um you know just being like making conversation with somebody when you're checking out with your groceries like how are you today and like that might be really hard for some people to do but take those little steps you know go do something by yourself even if it's just a walk if you don't feel comfortable going to the movies challenge yourself as an individual um i feel like there's a lot of growth in that i think that's great and if you take a shot and say hi to someone in the rude you don't let it get you you down. Say hi to the next person. The next person. Well, I think we tackled the loneliness pretty well today.

We solved it. We got it all figured out. No more. Everyone's good now, right? Fuck you, loneliness. Everyone listening is going to be in elevators with strangers like, hi. Hi. Hello.

They start hugging random people in an elevator. Mixed chicks and dicks are just going to be so aggressively hugging people in elevator mix chicks and dicks are just gonna be like so aggressively for all the chicks and dicks out there um well uh i do have one question for becca before we get to to to fans questions we have nate armpit hair we have nate what about it oh you you i'm just naturally curious you've posted the armpit hair on your feed do you like armpit hair no is it a is it a just like a a message you're getting across of like why do i have to if i don't want to no actually and also does your boyfriend like it um i know these are all questions i get all the time we actually really dive into this on one of our

episodes it's a body image episode um it's actually like the opposite of what people think because people always like when they try to defend me they're like look she just doesn't like shaving and like she likes her armpit hair and actually um no it's been uh so when i was growing up um one of my biggest insecurities was body hair i was like when i was in third grade i stole third or fourth grade i stole my mom's razor and was like secretly shaving my legs and i was like literally i would wear long pants up until then because i did not want my i have i'm fair skin i have dark hair and i just had this message ingrained in me that like body hair on women is disgusting and if you go on my

comments on some of those posts you will see that all over the place. Gross, nasty, you look like a man, disgusting, even some that are like, go kill yourself, horrible things. People have this very... You're a bad mother. People have this very... You're a bad mother. No, literally, some people are like,

I feel sorry for your daughter. I feel sorry for your daughter. There's this very ingrained idea. We have a very internalized idea that body hair on women is disgusting, which by the way, this is something

that only happened in the past hundred years. It was a way to sell razors when men were away at war in World War II. So they created this advertising message of be smooth for your husband

when he gets home. And don't get me wrong. It feels lovely to have smooth legs. I mean, listen, as a guy, I don't don't get me wrong it feels lovely to have smooth legs i mean listen i i don't like as a guy i don't feel bad by saying i prefer the sure no no no i no i totally understand that um and then that's the thing i like the way it looks so anyway is it more for yourself so so yeah i'm i'm getting into that so it was always this thing i would panic if i was like invited to go swimming and i hadn't

like shaved it was like really my biggest insecurity and it still is and i decided um a couple years ago that i was going to start trying to challenge that idea and so i started by growing out my armpit hair which now you know in la it's kind of trendy so it's like here here in the city yeah you go to yoga and you see girls like so so it is shocking when you see a woman with body hair no it really is there's this it's just it is it's specifically i will say though uh i don't i uh the armpit hair is it's it it it catches your eye it does but i will say like in the dating space if i were like out with a girl and we're like you know starting to like make out and then like i put my hand on her leg she's like i didn't shave and i'm thinking it's

fine and i always thought when i was like in the scenario i'm imagining like my leg hair where i'm just like oh which i have you know but like i've and then like i'll see it and like maybe i see like and i'm like i don't care and i guess my point of saying is i don't think guys care as much as when some women seem to really be self-conscious about like if if i'm gonna make out with a guy or get physical i need to be smooth like so totally well and honestly it's this internalized guys don't really give a shit uh and so you know like seriously and can i be honest like i shave um when i did shave for other women like i hadn't like my girlfriends would be like oh my god you're so hairy i would have like friends say that and and even now i don't get nervous being around men in shorts i

get nervous when i go to some event and i know there's going to be other beautiful women and i get nervous that they're going to look at me and be like oh my god she doesn't shave and it makes me nervous for like the other women. So anyway, I wanted to challenge myself. And then when I got pregnant, I was like, you know what? I still like hate this so much about myself. And I don't care whether my daughter shaves or doesn't. It's not about indoctrinating people not to shave.

It's about sending a message to myself and to others that, hey, I can be beautiful in spite of this thing that has been my insecurity for so long. So it's more of an exercise in self-love. And I also wish when I was a child that I saw women with body hair that I had having it. So I knew that it was normal and I knew that it was OK and I didn't have to feel so disgusted

by myself. I love that so much. What a wonderful message. How is it? Are you feeling more comfortable in your skin because of that? It's taken a long time, but I'd say after like five it literally takes months like for i still am like kind of get this gut reaction when i see myself but as the time has passed on i become more and more comfortable with myself so i was in a i'm i was in a movie and i had and i was nude and i had like a merkin, which is a fake vagina wig.

Yeah. And they were like, what do you want the hair to be like? And I'm like, oh, this is an interesting question because I've been shaving and waxing, sugaring for so long that it's just like sparse and thin. So I was like, you know what? This is my opportunity to get like my 70s bush back. Hell yeah. And we went as big as possible. Like this was like you would have to dig to get like my 70s bush back and we went as big as possible like this was like you would have to you'd have to dig to get in there um but it was it felt empowering and it

was like you know what this is a lovely message yeah and i i mean i do like wax my bikini line and people are like wait you wax your bikini but you don't shave your legs and i'm like yeah because honestly i don't feel comfortable being at the beach with my pubes sticking out and a lot of other people are going to react negatively and i don't want i don't feel comfortable with that so it's so hard it is sand gets stuck in there it's just you know well and to answer your question about my boyfriend um he he doesn't give a shit and he's he he really doesn't understand why people do but also he went to school, the way he explains it to me, he went to a very liberal school in Oregon called Lewis and Clark.

And he said that virtually every woman there was super like, I'm not going to shave. I'm not going to wear dresses. And so he's like, the majority of my sexual experiences in college were with women who didn't shave. So it doesn't bother me. Anyway, just going back to the shame i felt in elementary school a bunch of girls were like why why aren't you shaving like that's just got like that was like a shame i felt and i probably like

still carry that yeah i want to shave that's also fine too but i like that you are at least like it's i like the self-awareness aspect of it that you are doing it because you're you know that you have an issue with yourself and you're kind of trying to deprogram well yeah and i encourage other people to challenge their beauty beliefs so if you have this negative reaction towards people who are overweight if you have this negative reaction to women who don't shave challenge get fat no challenge the way that you look at other people and recognize that it's not a problem

with their body it's a problem with your mentality preach well let's do some fan questions let's play that

jingle hi Katie how are you I'm tired with it Let's just make your sex And what's wrong I love that jingle, it's so good Hi Katie, how are you? Good, how are you guys? Good, we have a full house for you here today Myself, and Jess, and Becca And Suge, and Rochelle We really got a whole team here

How can we help you? Well I was going to say good Because I could probably use the team great that's great we're here um okay so where do i start i am currently well i guess i'm not engaged anymore as of maybe a month ago i'm sorry um maybe not maybe this is a good thing yeah i was dating someone for three years. He proposed on Christmas, this past Christmas, and we ended up buying a house together. Oh, wow.

After maybe two, three, four days of living together, he had a total freak out. Oh, boy. And he said he felt all this pressure. He's feeling overwhelmed. He's feeling stressed out. He doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know how to handle it. He's never been very good about talking about his emotions or communicating his feelings, negative feelings very well. And he maybe a week after that, he asked me to take the ring off because it was too much for him. So I took it off.

He, what happened next? God. Then he said he needed space. He went to stay with his parents and he's been there ever since. And now we're on a break. And it's been like three weeks, I think. And what has your been response to all this? I think this is my first question.

I've been trying really hard to be positive for him. You know, I haven't pushed him away. I've been really good about, you know, if he needs a couple of days, that's fine. I won't bug him or, you know, saying he feels overwhelmed. So I'm not going to. Have you, have you at all expressed to him how you feel about the situation without considering his feelings i've tried to and he gets a little defensive yeah um and he is hard to talk to he's really at least recently he's been really hard to talk to and i don't really know what to do about it. And it's been kind of a nightmare. Well, I have a question.

Has there been any boundaries set or any kind of discussion of like what's going to happen? Like, is there a time frame for the break? Like, is there any kind of, you know, discussion about what's going to happen? Yeah. He said he was going to come back in July, beginning of July. So it would be like a five, six week break. To move back in with you? What's that?

To move back in with you? That's what he's planning on doing in July? Okay. How old are you, Katie? Come home. Okay. How old are you? What'd you say?

How old are you? 29. How old is he? 31. Okay. I mean, it sounds like, I mean, it's safe to say that you hope this works out. Yeah, despite what my friends and family, I mean, my friends and family now hate him. And why do you, what do you, what do you love about the relationship?

I mean, he's a great, great person. I'm sure he's great, but what do you love about the relationship? Well, I didn't ask you what you love about him. I asked you what you love about the relationship. Like, what does he do for you kind of thing? Yeah. How does he make you feel? What do you love about the relationship?

I've heard a lot of things what you don't like. He's not good at expressing himself. Sounds like he's very concerned about his feelings and not yours. What do you love about the relationship? Like, why do you want it to work? He's my best friend and you know we've known each other a long long time and i i just like i can't really imagine my life without the minute okay and he you know we've planned our whole lives together like we've talked about it since the day we started dating we were friends before that and since the day we you know, we've planned our whole lives together. Like we've talked about it since the day we started dating.

We were friends before that. And since the day we, you know, got together, it's pretty much been like all or nothing with us. Katie, do you mind if I ask the origin of your engagement? Like, were you kind of pushing him to get engaged or was it something that he... We went and looked at rings together. And I think we went in maybe two or three times just to see what I liked. And I asked him probably 50 times, like, are you sure this is what you want? I have no problem waiting.

Right. And he did know that I did not want to live with him or buy anything with him until I was engaged. Totally understand. Well, here's what I think you should do, if I may. Yeah. I think, listen, I appreciate where you're coming from. And I think there's probably a lot of people listening who can relate to your story. And you are very comfortable with this guy.

You've known him for so long. I don't even discount that he is, in fact, your best friend. But I think it's important for you to take this time, and I've said this on other podcasts, for yourself and taking away that he's your best friend and taking away how much time you spent together. But really, really try to think about, is he still your person? Is he the one? Because he can be, have been your best friend, but maybe he's not i don't know i do think specifically you need to start setting expectations of that what you want i think you need to really figure out what you know and not just i know you want to get back together

but he's he's calling all the shots he's setting the timeline yeah you are just sitting waiting around and you think you're doing something by being, and I know you're trying to do the right thing by being supportive and loving, but you're just enabling them in reality. I think they need to be boundary set. Yeah. And I don't think, I'm not saying he's trying, he's meaning to, and I'm not saying he's taking it for granted, but he's making this all about him and you're letting him feel like that's okay.

And it's not, but he's not, I'm saying it's not malicious. It just, I think just happens because you're just afraid of losing him which is common but i think right now you're you're discounting what you might want out of this and i don't think uh him being your best friend or you've been together or so so long or two very good reasons to spend the rest of your lives with each other you're still young and I think you want someone who you can communicate with would be my guess, who is not afraid to talk about their feelings, who doesn't always need space, who can be there for you even when they're struggling. I mean, I'm assuming you want a guy you can count on to be your person. He's not. Can i chime in on this um i would i

would guess that a lot of the fear maybe is about losing him but more about maybe losing this dream that you've shared together yeah and this dream of this life that that and i understand that i was in a long-term relationship and you picture all these things children you're going to have together the life you're going to live the things you're going to have together, the life you're going to live, the things you're going to do. And sometimes that can be the biggest thing you're mourning, the loss of relationship is the idea of this life that you have built up your life upon in the past few years. And I know that that's really scary. But I was also thinking of, you know, him having to physically leave and move in with his parents, even if he comes back and things, you know, are back on board. I think it's really

something for you to consider. What about when things get hard inevitably in your marriage? How is he going to react? Is he going to separate himself physically from you when you have children? Is he going to separate himself physically? He loses a job. You lose a job. Who knows? And sure, he might dip out for a couple of weeks and then come back. But maybe even if he does come back, you're going to need to set boundaries of this is not okay. We're not doing this again. You cannot just dip out. I need you.

You really need to set the tone and protect yourself. I know with my husband, before we ended up getting married, we were in a situation kind of similar. We weren't engaged yet. But he was like running away, panicking. And I did some things that were similar to you. And I just kind of let him call the shots, kind of have his cake, eat it too. And he just then continued in that habit. And it wasn't good for him either. I wasn't taking care

of myself. And I also wasn't helping him out because he wasn't growing. I was just letting him, you know, fester in his own immaturity in that way. And as soon as I really had the confidence to say, no, you can't just have it your way, I took a step back. I don't deserve this. I removed myself from the relationship. I'm not saying this is going to happen to you, but cut to three months,

all of a sudden he's pounding at my door again and we're able to renegotiate. And now we have a healthy marriage, but I had to really be willing to lose the relationship to take care of myself that's absolutely right you have you have to be willing to lose it and i think because what's going to happen if you keep doing what you're doing now even if he comes back and moves in you're going to be like on pins and needles being like so like you know and he's going to feel that and he's then he's going to subsequently feel more pressure from you.

And it sounds like this guy is not very strong with his emotions right now. And it's just going to snowball and end badly. But if you are willing to lose it and willing to walk away, one or two things are going to happen. You're going to move on from him and it's going to suck and be difficult and scary and lonely at times. But eventually you'll realize you weren't getting what you needed out of the relationship or he will realize that he's been selfish and he needs to step as his game and instead of worrying about whether he can commit to you he'll realize he can't lose you either but right now he is not afraid of losing you at all yeah yeah yeah he just you've got you where he wants you. Yeah. And, and again, I don't think it's malicious on his part. It's human nature to take advantage of the situation.

Um, and so I think you definitely need to, uh, kind of stop what you're doing and reset and, and think about what you need and focus on yourself while he's focusing on himself. Let them know you love them, but let them know that you are, you're going to take this time and you need to think about whether you're going to take this time and you need to think about whether you're ready for him to come back. Yes. And this is going to be a mutual decision, not a decision based off what he wants and needs.

Yep. And he needs to really believe that because that will reset him and it'll freak him out. But then you got to freak, you got to make sure he's not just reacting. Yes. But one or two things are going to, but like doing what you're doing now is only going to keep this situation compounding. And even if he does get back together, he's only going to, he's going to bail every time it gets hard

unless he knows that you're not going to put up with it. Yeah. Take the reins, girl. Yep. Take the reins. Yep. Okay. All right.

No, that's good advice. Yes. That's very helpful. Stay strong. You really got to, you really got to. I would spend the rest of all weekend thinking about what you want and what you deserve and literally maybe write it out. Yeah. Like really obsess over it. Don't worry about what he wants at all.

And I think you'll realize you may not be getting what you want and deserve as much as you think you are because just him isn't enough i would also say practically resisting reaching out to him like resisting uh you know during this time since you're on a break do do not reach out to him i would say at all if he wants to reach out to you that's fine but maybe even if he reaches out to you say hey i think we're taking a break and like we need to respect that get on a couple dating yeah you know just i don't think that's good i don't i just think i think you should part like start being okay with the idea of moving on you might not have to yeah this is this really aligns with what we were talking about today the idea just you listen if it i'm gonna sure i'll promise you this much if he if this

doesn't work out and it might not not, you're going to be okay. And you will eventually find someone who's going to be your new best friend and gives you what you want. But right now, you're banking so much on your history with this guy that you've stopped expecting what you want in the future and in the present. And you're basing so much on the past that he's getting away with things that you wouldn't let a new guy get away with. And Katie, I know for myself, my husband is my best friend. And so there was that major fear. I know that I relied on him too much and I felt like I needed him. And it wasn't until I stepped away that I came to the conclusion that I didn't need him. I wanted to be with him, but I didn't need him.

And I think that's sometimes the balance that you need to strike. Like you don't need him. He's your best friend and you love him. Maybe you want to be with him, but make sure that you don't need him in this situation. Okay. You're going to be okay.

You just got to really tell yourself that. I'm excited to see where this goes. It's just very, I've been in that position when I was younger. You tell yourself, I can't do this and I can't do this without, but like you got to start telling yourself a different narrative. Yeah, I know. And I personally, I do the thing where I just like, you know, the few conversations I've had with them about it, I like loop it around in my head a thousand times a day.

And that's all I think about. No, think think about what you you obsess over your needs yeah start a new hobby in the meantime that's my advice start working out more something do something to get your mind off of it yeah you're gonna be fine yeah we feel for you girl we're thinking about you you got it okay all right best of luck thanks bye bye katie bye welcome back to the show for those of people who haven't listened go back and listen to the episode with ariel vandenberg uh we met nate for the first time he called in uh struggling with his dating life and we gave him some notes about how he might be able to land some good first dates. We're just dying for an update. We have no

idea. Nate, the floor is yours. Let us know what's been going on in your life. First of all, thanks for the opportunity. I didn't think you guys had returned callers ever. You're our first one. We couldn't resist. What's up?

Yeah, I mean, I thought you guys wanted sexy questions, not this awkward. Questions are inherently sexy. Yeah, so I tried to take your advice, and I did try to shake up my more rigid, scheduled self and tried to go on an activity date for the first date a couple times over. First time I tried it was a couple weeks ago. I realized going to jazz outside, and there was an opportunity with somebody I was corresponding with on Bumble. Great.

Invited her out there. Yeah. We chatted for about 30 minutes, and then she left. She left. She left jazz. No harm, no foul. She went to jazz with you? Yeah.

And, like, how did the conversation go? Yeah, what were you guys talking about? Just basically get to know you stuff while the jazz was playing. And she was like, all right, well, got to go. Yeah. It was very nice meeting you. I have other plans now. Bye.

Huh. Do we have any notes for Nate? Well, I mean, I think on that, at the end of the day, at least you know where that is going. And you have your answer. And you don't have to pursue it. It's not gray area. That's pretty black and white, which I think is a positive. What are some questions that you asked her?

What do you do? What do you like to do in town? How questions that you asked her? What do you do? What do you like to do in town? How long have you been here? Those types of things. Also, sometimes it's not, you can't take it personally. Sometimes people just don't vibe. So it's not always not what you didn't do. Sometimes it's just not there.

That's true. I wonder if maybe on these dates, maybe the first, I don't know, maybe you're already doing this, but if you're not, I would try to keep it as light as possible. How do you do that? Go ahead. You were going to say something? How do you keep it light? I really don't know. Yeah, like instead of like, what do you do, whatever, like if you're at this jazz band, be like, oh, this is this new band. They're really cool.

Like, you know like you know just just talk about what what's around you people watch uh just have some fun like don't make it feel like what do you like you're interviewing them um because that that can make someone anxious at first uh and you're just kind of just keep it real light you're just there to again like whether it's uh the jazz thing i think it's a great idea way to do that or if it's trivia at a bar make it about the moment that it's the trivia that you're really excited about like and again let them get to know you by like you're just be a passionate about something and like you're really glad that they're there thanks for joining me this is like a lot of fun like let's have some fun tonight and just let her maybe see if she

asks you questions and like if after a while maybe start showing some interest you know but kind of keep you know keep it kind of uh keep it light because i'm getting the sense that maybe you did the first step right and then right away you're like i got like 50 questions for you and you kept asking them i get a lot from my friends that they call me the question man. And I think questions are good. I think that's good. I think it's good to do that.

But I think you maybe need to try to keep it a little lighter and just talk about the moment you two are in. Yeah. Can I give a... I was just going to say, I think that reframing it to instead of being the first question,

be the follow-up question. Like when she of being the first question, be the follow-up question. Like when she brings up something about herself, do the follow-up because then you're already on a topic that she wants to be talking about and be the follow-up question guy. What do you wear on dates, Nate? Usually this, like my shirt and tie. Don't do that. Okay. I, for one, think you look very handsome today.

You look very handsome right now did you change your hair no you did you change your hair you look like you blowed up a little bit you did yeah but and i like this now i know to hold the phone further away from my face because one of my trivia buddies what's your face doing right in that camera yeah listen but we're getting to know you nate and again you're a buttoned up i would love you to have you as my lawyer i feel like you're really good at following the rules you know what you're doing but i think you need to just i have an idea so jeans and a t-shirt i have some nice jeans and a t-shirt well i have a date suggestion how about so we're taking the activity thing to the next level

how about a physical activity so like let's like let's go to a rock climbing gym. Let's go bowling. Let's do something. What? We want Nate to do things in an environment he's comfortable in. Oh, okay. Because that way we want Nate to be comfortable in that surrounding so there's something he's comfortable with.

Do you have any physical activities that you like to do in your free time yeah so the second date i went on was just this past week i went to a comedy show and we ended up talking a lot about other comedies great scene around how'd that go we were able on that way by talking about where we were and about other things that we might have in common i thought it went pretty well yeah there was afterwards, and I wanted her to hang out for that, and she couldn't. Okay. Karaoke is a tough stuff. So I guess I'll follow up, but it was a couple days ago, and I tend to observe the three-day rule. Karaoke's tough.

I don't love karaoke, especially on a first date. It's the first date, you're like, hey, perform for me. Yeah, you're really putting yourself out there with that one, so don't take that personally. That's like my most comfortable, though. That's the whole thing. Listen, Nate, you're doing great.

You're shooting to get hot. You're doing fantastic. My one also note other than talk about the moment, do not wear a button-up shirt and a tie on a date. It's like, it would be good for other guys who are more carefree.

That's not necessarily a strength of yours and I think your wardrobe will make you feel a little bit more just relaxed. You know? Take off the tie,

a nice pair of jeans and a t-shirt, get one of your girlfriends or guy friends to take you jean shopping and just a basic white or dark tee. To your point though,

make sure you feel comfortable. Make sure you feel comfortable. Do you feel comfortable? Yeah. Be yourself still within your casual outfit. That's a good point. Do you feel comfortable. Make sure you feel comfortable. Be yourself still within your casual outfit. That's a good point. Do you feel comfortable in T-shirt and jeans that look nice?

Yeah. Yeah, I guess I could go home and change and then head back out on the day. Because usually I try to schedule things right after work. I'm always kind of just in box later and now the stores, which isn't the best either. You could loosen up your business look. You could take off the tie, unbutton the first button, roll up your sleeves. Yeah. I love that idea. Oh, he's like, oh, I don he's like oh i don't know i think for a loop here get a little too crazy yeah you're you you're very you're very structured nate let's say i

think i want to get i want to get you a little less structured my my guess is your dates are feeling this like intensity from you that you don't mean to give out. And I think that I'm a lawyer, the button up tie, it can be intimidating and structured. And then you're like, and you're a lawyer and you're asking them questions. And I can imagine being like, I don't know, man. Like, I don't know if I'm on a date or I'm like. An interview. An interview.

Am I going to be subpoenaed? Insert? Like, I think so. I think you're trying to to you know be in the moment and try to at least take off the tie at least roll up the sleeves keep it casual

it sounds like there's progress happening yeah so after this last date did you hear from her or after your last date Nate did you hear from her the comedy date what was the question did you hear from the comedy date?

No, because I'm waiting three days until I contact her. Girls, what do you think about that rule? Nate has a pretty stark rule that he waits three days to contact after. This is what I think. I think just send a nice text the next morning like, had a great time last night. Hope to see you again. Hope to see you again.

Just leave it at that. She doesn't have to respond. If she doesn't, it's okay. But if she does, you're acknowledging that there might be mutual feelings. And if she says yes, then maybe wait two or three days to say, what are you doing? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah.

I love a follow-up in the morning to secure the confidence that if she had a good time, she's going to want to know that you had a good time too. Yeah. It's just like, if you have a work meeting, you know, I would never have, you know,

a work meeting. And then I always have a followup the next day of maybe some, you know, followup document documents, but you can do this. You seem too eager. No, it's polite,

but definitely leave it so that she doesn't feel pressured to respond. Don't ask a question or anything. Just be like, um, like what did, what did you say? Don't say, did you like it? Just say, I had a great time. Hope to see you again. But don't send a text like that to the person who left jazz early.

Don't send one of those to the one who ditches. Nate, producer Rochelle here just want to let you know a couple people have been, they said they want to hook you up with their friends you seem so nice you're the type of guy their friends should be dating so if that helps your confidence a little bit my entire goal of Vile Files going forward is to meet your girlfriend

whenever she is so ridiculous I'm really looking forward to the two of you being on the show this is like the basis of a romantic comedy, you know? You've got to find a girl that's going to sweep you up in her whirlwind. She's going to be the wild one who dances on top of the bar. Yeah. If I have anything to do with you...

Nick, it's the thing about you trying to get the whole meet-you-go, and I'd rather just go to the supermarket and meet someone in the peanut butter aisle. Who wouldn't? Not working out. Yeah, that's not always reality. If I have anything to do with you meeting your wife, I will marry you two.

If you meet her in a grocery store and honestly, you're just like, honestly, like, Nick, give me some advice, but like, he had nothing to do with this. Then I don't need to,

but I will. All right, Nate, we need to let you go, but thank you for the update. Keep us posted. We'll touch base in about a month and see how things are going. Try a t-shirt and jeans. Make sure it's something you do feel comfortable in.

Just think about just loosening up. Don't make it an interview. Yeah. Follow-up question guy. That's you. Thanks, guys. You look great. Thanks. make it an interview. Yeah. Those are your names. Follow-up question guy. That's you. Thanks, guys. You look great. Thanks.

Appreciate it. Bye-bye. Bye, Nate. Bye, Nate. Hi. Hi. What's your name? Danielle.

Hi, Danielle. This is Nick and Jess and Becca. We have Suge and Rochelle in the room as well. Hi, Danielle. Okay. Hello. Hi. She's like, okay.

Who are all these people? More than you bargained for. How can we help? So a couple of months ago, I was having a conversation with a friend. And I can't remember how it came up, but he eventually said that it's a really hard time to be a white male in today's society and it kind of like threw me off guard because we've had political conversations before um and he's never really said anything to make me think that that's what he thought um and so he was trying to justify why he thought that.

And I don't know, just like being a woman of color, it was kind of like, you can't honestly really think that. But then I was also really trying to see from his perspective of why he thought that and putting myself in his shoes. But I guess, Nick, I was just wondering what your thoughts were on that. in his shoes um but i guess nick i was just wondering what your thoughts were on that and if you've kind of ever experienced prejudice or anything like that because you're a white male thanks for asking i really need to get out of my system how old is your friend he is 30 oh 30. Okay. I would have guessed younger. No. Oh, are you kidding?

There's people all across the nation, older, mature men, who think that they're genuinely oppressed. This is a good question. I mean, here's the thing. I mean, your friend's wrong. Like, the high-level statement is, I mean, listen, we talked about this earlier in a different context, but we're all selfish inherently in considering our own needs, right? And I talked about this last week with Hannah.

We can all feel. We can't help how we feel sometimes. Feelings come in and out, and we feel how we process those feelings, how we interpret them, how we handle them. That we can control. how we interpret them how we handle them are all that we can control um it sounds like i'm guessing i don't need to hear your friend's explanation but maybe some things he experienced where he felt like um prejudice because you know and listen the reality is is that over history white men have had it pretty good right like? They still do, yeah. And they still generally do, right? That being said, over the past few years,

there's been some corrections in our society of opportunities being given to all sorts of minorities, whether it's people of color, women, sexual orientation. And as a result, the people in the majority- Who have been in power. who have been in power have been in power feel like things are being taken away from them um your friend who's 30 he's still like he's he's not that as young as i thought my point when i asked like the 20 year old white kid the reality is is he hadn't lived in a time where he was ruling the world like a bunch of his peers it now seems a bit

more equal but i will listen when things change and when there's a correction sometimes uh things feel more pressure uh listen the reality is in the acting world right now and i've been trying to act and i'm having some success but you you know after the oscars so white's so white, you hear from even my agent, well, they're specifically looking for people of color. They're specifically looking for this and that. And that's a good thing. But sometimes in the short term, as a white guy, you're like,

well, I don't really have a shot at this. Is that wrong? Does that mean white guys have a harder time in the world? No, but in that moment you feel like maybe this happened to him like that happened doesn't make him right it doesn't make it okay i'm just trying to in the that's what i'm saying in the short term that's what's happening is my guess but i think we all need to chill out and i think in the big picture it's a positive thing redistribution redistribution of power is painful for those in power they don't like it when power

is shifted because yeah like you said it feels like something's being taken and the reality is what you're talking about about not being able to get parts or whatever that's the experience that like you said these other people have had for for forever totally and you know what and things balance back out one way so they can balance absolutely and that's my point is like uh he's feeling prejudiced and maybe there's some prejudice they were most all the other minorities have been prejudiced for this all this time so he's feeling that without having any perspective or empathy for what everyone else has gone through including yourself who he's speaking to you know he may be feeling that because there may. Including yourself, who he's speaking to.

He may be feeling that because there may be some truth to what he's feeling, but he's just speaking very literally about his own experience without taking any consideration of history or even present day. And even if there is that redistribution, I can't say is that redistribution,

I can't say the word redistribution. Thank you. You know what I'm saying. But he still does not experience prejudice that other people feel. He still will not be looked at the way that cops will look at other people. He still will have an easier time getting jobs mostly than maybe you will.

He still will, like, just percentage-wise, have a higher, there are all these ways that he's still, still getting a pretty good bargain out of it. Sure, but I think again, not to justify it, just to help you understand your friend's point of view,

he's being selfish and he doesn't realize that because selfish people don't, no one ever thinks they're being, most people don't think, realize they're being selfish in the moment when they're being selfish. Some people do.

They're like, listen, I'm gonna be very selfish right now, but I'm going to do it anyways. Most people are then selfish and don't realize it till after the fact because their needs are most important right now. My guess is that's why he's saying this and he just needs to be educated and learn. Reality check. I mean, I read your question when you called in and Rochelle and I have disagreed on this. Like there's a big argument between whether it's the minority's job to educate the majority. I don't think it's their job.

Right. It's not their job. Right. Yeah. But what I'm saying, what I do think is that if you are willing, listen, it's like saying it's it sounds great, but like what's productive is people's willingness to communicate and understand. So is it your job to explain to him an ignorant point of view that he has? No. But if he's willing to learn from you and you're willing to take the time, you guys might

better understand each other. So I wouldn't think of it as a job that you are required to do. It would be in a perfect world, it'd be better for him to take the time and learn on his own. To educate himself. Yeah. But he is being selfish right now and he might not do that. But if he is willing to ask you questions and you are willing to put up with his ignorance, there might be a common ground that you realize and you might help him see things more clearly. I mean, as a straight white male, I have said this, growing up, I think back, I've had ignorant thoughts before. I have thought things and barely even said things. And I look back 10 years ago, I'm like, I'm really glad I didn't tweet that or said that. And it was nothing

like terrible, but it was not how I think now. And it was just a terrible but it was it was not how i think now and it was just a lot of it was based off of ignorance and how we were raised and it just it took time and it took friends you know being like yeah no you're wrong and here's why and a willingness to listen and i think we just need to keep communicating that because if if we do get discouraged and say well you need to go google this and figure this on its own, they're probably not going to right or wrong. I'm just saying, you know, we need to be, we need to all be patient sometimes. It's helpful. You don't need to be, it's not your job, but I think we will progress as a society if we were willing to do that. There's also more passive ways to do it that don't require so much emotional energy. So you

might follow an Instagram account or something that explains this kind of like some, you know, and sending somebody something to be like, hey, I thought of what you were saying the other day, and this might give you some perspective on somebody else's point of view. Doing something like that is like a more easy, passive, like maybe less confrontational way of discussing that kind of thing. Did you get frustrated at him? And rightfully so, maybe that when he asked that, like, what was your reaction? I kind of just like stared at him did he get defensive no what did he get defensive when you did that

i didn't get i got a little bit defensive but then i was trying to explain um like my point of view and why i thought what he thought was problematic um and then he was like saying a bunch of other things that i guess were skewed to make his point true um and then after a while i kind of just like shut down and i didn't really say anything and I just like let him continue talking and then we left um so yeah so like I just don't really know how to um if he's like not willing to kind of have a conversation about it like I don't know if I should just drop it and say okay we'll just like leave it at that and we can agree to disagree or um maybe if you like if i should give it a try maybe if you explained to him the next time you saw him that listen i love you i want to continue to be your friend the way that you spoke about this personally offended me because i i am someone who's different from you

and i have a very different opinion and i want to have a good conversation with you but if it's not going to go in a way where we're hearing each other out kindly and lovingly i can't talk to you about it yeah i think that's just so you're not expending this energy like becca was saying on someone who's just going to make you more and more frustrated because he's being uneducated ignorant also and and maybe like the the only kind of to Jess's point is, listen, the end of the day, the two of you friends aren't going to solve this problem. And whether you guys agree to disagree or eventually agree as a society will continue to have to become more progressive. But also there is some truth that as individuals, we can only just focus and control what we can control. that as individuals, we can only just focus and control what we can control. And every person through life, regardless of who you are, is going to have some advantages and disadvantages and some more than others. And so instead of your friend focusing on at some point feeling, you know,

like he got the shorthand of the stick, I mean, he can still learn from it. He can, sometimes people use it as an excuse certainly he is using it right now and so uh i think that's what i think people use it as an excuse you're not getting acting jobs oh yeah sure they're not hiring white people but i all i am saying like but there is some truth to that in terms of whether they're right or wrong everyone does that whether you're in the majority or minority oh yeah right so? So we all do that. And some people are more justified to feel that way than others. But we can all use that as an excuse. My point of saying, instead of just you two figuring out the society's problem, why don't

you both as friends figure out how you guys can help each other out, become the most successful versions of yourselves. And if there are obstacles and roadblocks outside of your control, then focus on what you can control. I think that will be helpful. I do think it is worth saying just like, hey, I've really been thinking about what you said the other day. And it really upset me because I don't feel like you're seeing the other side of what other people go through. And maybe just like, I don't know, I would be honest and just be like, honestly, it kind of upset me because

felt like you were being a little bit tone deaf to the struggles that other people experience and i don't think it's fair to call what you experience prejudice i mean like but that's my personality also i'd be like let's go there yeah let's hash this out but but i think that i think it can be really emotional and really difficult to realize that maybe your friend doesn't stand where you do and that's a valid feeling i think it can be disappointing sometimes when you think you're on the same page as somebody else and then you're not. It's hard. It's hard. Sometimes it is okay. I think you guys, if you're truly friends, you should both be open about expressing yourselves. And over time, this is not going to change overnight. Whether he's wrong or not, he feels this way. And unfortunately,

he's not the only guy i'm sure who was saying stuff like this and he feels justified by saying this because at some point he felt that right and he and my point is he was obviously close-sighted and he was only thinking about himself but that's how he felt and he's justifying his words because he felt that way which isn't always the right thing to do he hasn't taken anyone's point into consideration so i just think like i said being willing to talk about it and not trying to get defensive again is hard to do but if and you're not it's not your job but if you want to try to become closer and hopefully over time is just keep expressing your point of view without attacking him and making him realize and if he cares about you, he will slowly understand.

Listen, like this, these kinds of topics are things that are not going to change overnight. They have like, it's taken hundreds of years to get where we are today. It's unfortunate. It takes so long, but only through conversation and time will continue to get better. Got it. Okay. Hopefully that was helpful helpful i don't know but he is no i mean yeah what you guys said makes a lot of sense um yeah i've just i've

been thinking about it and i guess if he's like not willing to listen and things like that like that's not somebody that's i guess who i want in my life and he's like not going to be an ally to like just people in general I would agree yeah if he's unwilling that's not cool you know then there's nowhere to go from there

yeah exactly okay well thank you for calling and we appreciate it alright take care thanks bye Thank you for calling in. We appreciate it. Thank you for answering and talking about this. All right. Take care. Thanks. Bye. Bye. The poor white guy. I had a friend who said, I truly don't believe that black women have it harder in the world than I do.

No. He really said that. A friend of yours? Oh, yeah. A friend of mine. And I was literally like screaming. Dude, we all. I don't know how.

We all live in our bubble. I was like, are you out of your fucking mind? You really think that? Oh, man. In that case, I think you just keep sending articles about the young black woman getting kidnapped. And it's just absurd. There's, I mean, for that, there's actual research. There's research that shows that we have bias against people that do not.

Yeah. People live in their bubble and they get the information they want and they curate their own reality and that's scary curing your own reality i mean the good news is there's a straight parade coming up very soon in boston did you guys hear about that no stop it's wild yeah oh no well you know they're putting on a just for straight people parade because the gays get a parade, so they deserve a parade. Can you handle it? I don't think we have enough pride in being straight, and we experience a lot of prejudice. It does make me wild.

It is wild because I don't think people get the concept. Parades are gay also. They're inherently gay. But as a straight person, because we're in the majority in terms of our sexuality, we get to celebrate our sexuality every day. And the reason why they have a parade

is because over time, they have not been, they have been judged for it. And you have not been allowed to be proud. Yes, it's a celebration of the ability to be proud. So the fact that you feel the need to have a parade for something you have not been allowed to be proud. Yes, it's a celebration of the ability to be proud. You have the right to do every day. And also the parade started

with the death of people from that community. So it's a whole. It's why people say why isn't there white history month? It's like because our whole history is white history. Yeah, a parade is a celebration of a win. Yeah. Anyways, yeah. Wild episode. We went all over the place today. Well, Jess and What a wild episode. What a, we went all over the place today.

Well, Jess and Becca, thank you so much for taking the time. This was wonderful. Yeah, thank you so much. Great time. You guys are all fantastic. Hashtag broad squad. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Broad squad. For those of you listening, Jess and Becca have a wonderful podcast called Chatty Broads. Yes. You can find it on, you know, same place you can find us. All the platforms. All the platforms.

All the platforms. It's very wonderful and nice. You talk about a lot of the same stuff. There are also moms, so, you know, for all the moms out there. All the cool moms. All the cool moms. Check it out. Thanks, ladies, for coming in.

Thanks so much for having us. Thank you guys also, as always, for listening. Don't forget to rate us. Thank you guys also as always for listening. Don't forget to rate us five stars on iTunes or wherever you can comment. And you know, we appreciate you listening. We love you guys. Nate, as always,

thanks for calling in. Hashtag Nate squad. Don't forget your men in your life, natural habits, NHLs.com 20% off. I hope everyone feels mysterious in French this week. Yeah. You're manning your life, natural habits, nhoyals.com, 20% off for some customers. I hope everyone feels mysterious in French this week. Yeah.

Chicks, chicks and dicks. Yeah. Can we call ourselves Nick's Chicks? I don't know how our partners would feel about that. Yeah, we'll do it anyways. All right. Thank you very much. Have a great week, guys.

See you next week. Bye.