The Viall Files - E242 Ask Nick - It’s Weird, It Doesn’t Make Him A Weirdo

Episode Date: March 1, 2021

It’s Monday, which means it is time for Ask Nick! On today’s episode we start with a caller that has finally brought it to the bedroom with her new boyfriend and finds out there is a way he prefers to “finish” that she was not expecting and she is  wondering if it is a red flag or something she should just go with.  Our second caller is stuck at the point in her dating relationship where she wants to define the relationship and she does not know how to approach it. Next we speak with someone who has been dealing with her boyfriend and his addiction issues throughout their relationship. He admitted his discretions got sober & put in the work that made their relationship better, but now with the pandemic the past resentment he was feeling kept coming up and brought new issues into their relationship. Lastly one of our 10 percenters call in to get some advice on feeling like he is cheating on his fiancé with the sexually explicit dreams he is having.  “…You be very specific, you be unafraid, you be bold, and at the risk of you being disappointed, you tell him how you feel and what you want.”  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Proactiv: http://www.proactiv.com/VIALL Subscribe today and you will receiveProactiv’s Hydrating Duo as a FREE GIFT. That includes 4 Hydrogel Masks AND the GreenTea Moisturizer, plus free shipping.  Freshly: http://www.freshly.com/VIALL  to get $40 off your first two orders.  Modern Fertility: http://www.modernfertility.com/VIALL for $20 off your test.  Natural Habits: http://www.nhoils.com use code KRISSY for 25% off.  Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what is going on everybody welcome to vile files it's monday how you doing is it great you feeling good are you excited for this episode? Tell your friends about us. I feel like we're doing great things. I don't know. I feel like we're crushing it. We have the best relationship advice podcast in the podcast industry. That's all I've heard. So just tell like five friends. Word of mouth. That's how we grow into a monster. What's wrong, Chrissy? What? just love i but you can literally do this by yourself and i love that about you what have a whole conversation with yourself i do it all the time 24 7 in my head it's great sometimes are you an overthinker perhaps sometimes like dally will

like literally see me going like like yelling at myself and i'm because i'm having a full conversation like a fight with someone and i'm always crushing it i'm always like in your in your head or on your vr no not vr but like if i'm like in a debate or i'm thinking about something and then then i want to have this conversation in theory in the future with this person but i'll have this conversation like 30 times in your head yeah that's great do the conversations out of curiosity go the way you've played them out in your head? Oftentimes. Really? It's kind of cool.

Not always. Anywho, tell your friends about us. You can tell your friends through social media by posting and saying how great we are. Yeah. Oh my God. Just repost one of our stuff. There's so much to much uh but we do appreciate

when you guys give us a plug it's amazing uh we have a great episode for you today um pretty sure i was on fire yeah more nick quips nick pretty sure i was on fire the whole time you're getting good at this advice thing it's about time so be sure we'll be back uh tomorrow for breaking down the women tall all with a a very surprise very special mystery guest i'm so stoked for this it's gonna be great and then on wednesday very fascinating conversation uh one that all you ask nick listeners will be very interested in we learn about, is it a science? It's a science mixed with spirituality. Human design. Yes.

It's another kind of personality. Like an Enneagram kind of. It's wild. And we talked to one of the world leading experts in human design, Jenna Zoe. Yeah. I found out about this very fascinating woman through my sister Maria.

We connected. We did this interview. She's in Switzerland. I mean, and she has a cool accent. So already, great listen right off the bat. But it really is fascinating. She has a good accent. So listen.

I promise you, you're going to find it to be really interesting. It was really cool. She got you spot on too. That is Wednesday. She nailed me a little bit better than chris medina did yeah i gotta say she did chris chris had some pretty good checkpoints in there but she felt like chris it felt like chris just like looked at my instagram page but could be wrong but jenna she went nailed you deeper yeah she went all the way to your spleen my sandwich your sandwich that was so good she nailed that on your food thing so good oh my god it was so good the girls and i all at the same time were like

anyway you will want to listen human design we learned all about it on wednesday so you'll be tricked to check that out and we get to break down a bunch of women i assure you are going to be bickering on the tell-all um should be a super weird episode given everything that's going on and bachelor nation but we are here to power through it and break it down like no one does so uh can't wait for you guys to listen shall we get to the episode let's ask nick your sexy questions how's it going good how are you good what's your name i am becky i'm 24 hi becky 24 how can help? So I found myself in, I actually urban dictionary this to make sure I had the right terminology for situationship. What did urban dictionary say?

A relationship that has started to develop feelings and has like a physical aspect, something like that. Okay. I just wanted to make sure I'm right. I'm not exactly like in the know on all that. So, so I have found myself in a quote unquote situationship with a guy for about a month now, a little over a month. And so we kind of took it slow before we got physical just because he's older than me. He's almost 30. So he's trying to kind of, I guess, build a foundation for something that could last longer, which I agree with. So kind's trying to kind of, um, I guess build a foundation for something that could last longer, which I agree with. So kind of like the, um, Dr. Berman last week said, um, to kind of build a good foundation first. So, and so when you say you are physical, like, are you guys having sex now? Yes. Okay. Yeah. So at first we weren't, but now we are. And so we went uh we like took it to the bedroom last time and started to get more physical

and kind of went through all that but then he never could finish and so he decided like he asked me if i how i felt about him having to use a toy to finish and i kept it cool like i didn't you if he could use a toy to finish yeah and for him what'd you say i kind of course i was kind of caught off guard but um i just went with it i was cool about it because i don't want to of course like make somebody feel bad or be kind of like awkward about it so i just went with it like yeah sure whatever it takes. So he like rips out a toy out of the like side, the bed, ready to go. Ready to go. It was ready to go. What was the toy? I'm actually curious. I don't really know. I am unfamiliar with a toy for men that helps. Yeah. So it was dark. The room was dark. Yeah. So, I mean, I know it wasn't like something massive.

I don't know. I'm honestly curious. Yeah, I don't I don't know i'm honestly curious yeah i don't i don't know what did the toy what did he say what did the toy do so it was for prostate simulation so okay um yeah so so he proceeds to do that and to himself yeah i'm assuming there's an insertion. Yeah. I've said toy. Okay. He inserts the toy and then you, you keep having sex or, or the toy does the work and you're just sitting there watching like a spectator. Option number two, just sit there and just kind of like, uh, is he also masturbating or this toy does all. Okay. Yeah. I just kind of roll with it you know whatever and um so he finishes and then like we just go on with our night whatever like go back to the living room watch a movie whatever it was and so in the moment I'm like holy crap is this like actually happening right now and so after the fact I'm kind of thinking about it because I've never I mean this is gonna sound kind of cheesy but everything else with him has been great, I'm kind of thinking about it because I've never, I mean, this is going to sound kind of cheesy, but everything else with him has been great.

And I've kind of been not waiting for a red flag to pop up, but just very aware in case one does, especially with the whole too good to be true kind of concept. So that happened and I'm like, should I worry about this? Is this like, obviously not like super normal because I've never experienced that before and never really heard too much about people experiencing it. But I'm wondering, like, is this something I should worry about? Is this a red flag, especially when it comes to like preferences and sexuality and everything? Like, I know obviously that that doesn't have to mean anything, but I just kind of wanted a second opinion on what does that first make you think and what could that mean? Well, I don't think it's a red flag

per se it's unique it's something you're new to for sure i could understand why you might personally not be into that yeah you know so it's more of a preference than a red flag he's clearly developed this preference to this toy over the years i you know good on him for for you know you know it's untraditional but yeah uh we talk so much about how for a lot of women it's difficult to you know climax in what is considered more traditional ways you know uh certainly like you know penetration from a man's penis like a lot of women don't get off by that. And then there could be like, you know, stimulation other ways and there's toys and things like that. And, you know, we're definitely very kind of sex toy positive on this show.

And like, hey, whatever it takes, as long as everyone's safe, you know. Right. You know, this situation is unique because while I I'm definitely a big advocate for women not expecting men to climax all the time and it's not always super easy and it's not just like an automatic thing. When we do climax, like it's pretty much like, you know, just pretty kind of one or two options. I've never heard of that. You know what I'm saying? Like, even for me, I've never heard of that you know what i'm saying like even for me i've never heard of it i've never considered it i've heard of prostate stimulation but yeah i've of all the guy friends i've had i haven't had anyone be like i got this toy and honestly like i just i might add he is on like an anxiety and depression medication which apparently can make it harder to sure and to climax in general for sure yeah yeah and that he never really had a female partner a partner that had made him finish before so yeah at least it's not like something new for

me or to me so i guess what i'm saying is you know he has every right to figure out how he can climax given whatever's going on in his head or you know if he has to take medication or just it's just harder for him i don't know but you you know, if he has to take medication or just, it's just harder for him. I don't know. But you, you know, you have a right to not be into that. I would encourage you to not run away. Like if, if everything else is great, I mean, nice guy, he treats you with respect. You know, he's, he seems to pay attention to you in bed and, and focused on you climate.

And like, there's a lot of chemistry and connection. And there's this one thing you're just like that's uh i gotta get comfortable with being uncomfortable um right then i wouldn't necessarily it's weird it doesn't make him a weirdo you know what i'm saying right yeah you know definitely but i'm not telling you have to like it uh there's a lot of things we're just not into and uh i think to see where it goes have you talked about it at all no because that just happened like last week so and i haven't seen him since then because we like we both have super busy schedules so it just kind of happened and we went with it and so we haven't had to talk about it yeah yeah with all these things what we talk

about more people are into it than we realize it. They're just not talking about it as long as everything else is great. And, um, my guess is over time, you'll just get used to it and you won't think much of it, you know, then maybe there's a way you guys can have fun with it together. I don't know. You know? Um, yeah, I think it's fine. Why not? Why not? Go nuts. But yeah, fun story. I didn't really, you know, I think anyone would hope that he wouldn't always need it.

Right. Right. Yeah. Kind of like with anything. There's things I like to indulge in, you know, and I'm not talking about like like even sexual preferences but i hate the idea i rely on things for anything you know so like if it's uh if you're like if it's smoking weed to go to bed i don't i don't like that idea even though if i you know if i smoke some weed before i go to bed i definitely sleep like a baby but i don't like the idea of feeling i need it you know for from a client like i don't i wouldn't want to like have to watch porn to climax.

You know what I'm saying? Like, so, yeah, I think it's good in a relationship to kind of try to mix it up and see once you guys get more comfortable, maybe there's dirty talk or there's things that you guys can do to feel connection to make him feel a certain type of stimulation, because this might not be the only way. This is the way that he's figured out for himself as a single person true yeah definitely so well thanks for calling fun story um i thought it was a little different yeah and uh good luck you know with this guy and especially if everything else is going well i mean it's hard enough to meet nice

people you know a little little sex toy isn't gonna hurt anyone good hurt anyone? Good point. All right. Well, best of luck. Thanks for calling in. Thank you so much. All right. Take care. Thanks. Get that clear skin feeling.

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Go to freshly.com slash V I A L L to learn more. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name's Lindsay and I'm 25. How can I help Lindsay? All right. So I'm talking to this guy. So I'll just give you like a backstory about us. Um, amazing. So we've met in college. Um, we've known each other since freshman year of college and we had like an on and off relationship. I, I guess I wouldn't call it like a relationship, but like an on and off thing, like ho up whatever pretty much all throughout college um except one year I had a boyfriend but there were always like we did express feelings to each other but never really did much about it besides like hook up with each other there's like a short time sophomore year of college where kind of like we were in a relationship but then it just like it was a very short amount of time um but he would always say things to me

that would make me you know like think that he had more feelings for me than i assumed like i don't know maybe i just was thinking that way i don't know he would always like do things in the end that just like hurt me kind of when it was just like sleeping with other people or whatever but we were never like exclusive so he would be like i don't know you're cool and i think you're funny and then have sex with someone else basically kind of yeah basically or like i like senior year i invited him to like a dance or whatever because i thought we were like starting something and then he ended up hooking up with someone else and so i uninvited him and all that, that, that kind of stuff. So flash forward to now,

it's been like four years since we've been out of college. And I recently started talking to him again in October and we've been talking ever since. And he's like, actually like putting in effort. Who popped into whose life? I popped into his life. How so? Kind of like, uh, I Snapchatted him and then he just started texting me and so he just didn't stop texting great all right um yeah and then so yeah that was started

in october and then december is the first time i went to go see him because we're like long distance he lives three hours away um so december is the first time i went to go see him and then he came to see me in january and now i'm going to see him again tomorrow um but we haven't really we talked like every day i've had facetime dates um like he's yeah i don't know he expresses his feelings here and there but i don't i don't think he's a very expressive person when he expresses his feelings what does it sound like so he said like um i think about you all the time this is so crazy i really like you a lot and things like that okay so i i don't know whether like i am supposed like i should just be like what what are we because this is the

longest that i've gone when talking to a guy like before defining the relationship never ask a guy what are we i don't even never ask a guy what are we i don't even know what that means what are we human well i wouldn't say like that you know but no people do i don't mean you say you wouldn't say it like that but people do it all the time so like what are we like yeah you know so you're seeing him tomorrow right and you you once again for probably what probably feels like the umpteenth time, you want to try to get him to commit to a relationship with you. Is that's what I'm hearing. Is that accurate? Yes. So when before I went to see him the first time, I did ask him what he wanted out of this because I had real feelings for him.

And I wanted to know. So here's what you need to do. And here's what's probably going to happen. And I don't know the final outcome, but I can tell you what you should do, and then I'm going to tell you what's going to happen in the short term. The next time you see him, if you want to have some sex and just enjoy his company because you have fun with him, go ahead, enjoy yourself. Are you hanging out from a weekend?

Are you going to go visit him? Is that what's happening? Yeah. All right. When the weekend's about to come to an end, you just say, Hey, listen, this is how I feel about you. You don't ask him how he feels. You tell him how you feel. You'd be very specific. Uh, you'd be unafraid, you'd be bold and you, uh, at the risk of, of disappointing, being disappointed, you tell him exactly how you feel and what you want. You tell him what your expectations are. You tell him all that.

And you say it very confidently. And you say it almost unafraid of what he might say. Because what he's going to say is no. In some sort of long-form version, he's going to be like, I don't know. Maybe not. There is no magic thing you can say. There's no super, you know, like, well, if I say it a certain way, then he'll say no. He's almost certainly going to disappoint you and not give you what you want.

Why? Because he has no reason to. Because up until now, there is a track record of having sex with you, hanging out with you, all while having the freedom to do what the fuck he wants. And even though sometimes it requires you guys to stop talking because you just get too fed up with his bullshit, he will always be able to have you back in his life when you get just bored enough to Snapchat him again. You're just going to tell him how you feel.

And you're going to be real direct. And you're going to say it confidently, unafraid. I have no problem telling you how I feel about you because it's how I feel about you and I am in charge of my feelings. Don't say that, but that's how you should sound. That's what you should say to yourself. You should practice it in the mirror. And then when he does disappoint you, you just, because you're expecting it, you go, okay, listen, I'm just glad I told you how I feel, but I do want to make it clear that I don't want to keep doing this. I've done it with you. It's a great time. I'm not mad. I don't want to argue with you. I'm not even here to convince you why you're wrong. I'm just letting you know what I want. This is all about what you want. You want

a relationship with him. The next thing is not hanging out with him when he doesn't want a relationship with you. It's all about you. You're very selfish right now. And then you disappear. You leave. And then you won't hear from him for a while. And maybe, just maybe, he'll reach out to you. You never fucking reach out to him again. You make sure he reaches out to you.

And if he does, he better come at you with some real strong game and some real conviction of what he wants. He doesn't get to come back to you and check in and see if he wants to hang out with you noncommittal and like hope that you've changed your mind and you lost some conviction of what you want. He'll probably, he might try that. And then if he does that, he's never going to change.

He's got a really, and you, and oh, by the way, if when he does reach out, don't recall him back right away. Be doing something else. Give them the illusion that you're out there fucking a bunch of dudes,

having a great time doing it, and it's a fucking ball. And scare the shit out of him. And then maybe, maybe he comes back and he better want to be with you and be willing to fight for you and go out of his way to make sure that he is deserving of your love.

And that is the only way this is going to work out. I give it a 20% chance. 20% chance that that would happen? That you're going to work out i give it a 20 chance 20 chance that he that that would happen if that you're you're gonna you're gonna end up with this guy you're gonna date him and that he's gonna really commit to you but that's pretty high that's not bad i mean other people i'd say like two okay but that you don't think that like it being like four years later and him like showing me that he's putting in effort makes any difference no he likes you you're nice you're could hang he likes having sexually he's cool but part of this he just doesn't have to he's

human i've done this before i kind of did this with my current girlfriend you know it's different we didn't have the history that you have but there was a little bit of like i you know and i had my certain reasons and there's difference but ultimately it came down to is i was afraid to commit so i didn't you know i don't know what his reasons, maybe he has some valid fears and insecurities. It doesn't matter. It's just not your problem anymore. Right. And you need to show him that you're going to be totally fine and okay without him. Cause you will, by the way, you will thrive without him. And once he believes that, and once he believes that he can no longer have his cake and eat it too. Then maybe he will finally appreciate how great you are.

Okay. Don't ask him what he wants. You are uninterested in what he wants. It's like tell him what I want and then see how he responds. Yeah. Right. Right. He almost will certainly disappoint you in the short term.

That's what makes me nervous. Start preparing yourself for that. Okay. Also, it would be a strong move if you don't go and you call them up right now and you tell them how you feel before you go ahead and get some good sex. But listen, you're human. It's fine. You can go ahead and do this and still, you know, like the outcome really won't change. But that would be the stronger move.

I did have to buy a train ticket, so I don't. I'd rather just go. There you go. So go get the sex and then do it at the end of the trip but either way you know go ahead and and feel free to be really fucking selfish this weekend okay have some fun and and tell him what you want don't ask him about his feelings don't ask him about like this is treat him you know for now just kind of objectify him and just okay you just be like i don't i'm not i'm not interested i am not interested you are you're only interested in him hearing you probably hopefully for the first time ever all right so it'll just be like statements

at the like the end of the weekend what i would literally practice this in the mirror into your friends i'm probably going to and believe in yourself and you know you're going to be okay and you're going to be over it you're going to be fine right yeah this guy has wasted enough of your time yeah i think too i just like you know like through the years or whatever i just like build up what like i want i guess in my head you know what i mean so like i'm sure you've made excuses for him and you've justified his actions and he's been very convincing of why he's not emotionally ready or unwanting or whether it was college or i don't know i don't care what his reason is it doesn't matter he has to be afraid

to lose you and he is not okay and nothing you say in the short term is has to be afraid to lose you, and he is not. Okay. That makes sense. And nothing you say in the short term is going to get him to believe you because your actions have shown him otherwise. What you're doing at the end of this weekend of sacks is to set up what you're about to show him. Okay. So don't try to say it in a magic way.

It doesn't work. Just be very short, very direct and be totally fine. Like, listen, I even know, I know you're not going to just, if I tell him that,

Oh, that'll drive him nuts. I know you're not going to commit. I understand. This is who you are. I'm just telling you how I feel. And I am proud that I can tell you how I feel about you. And I'm going to be fine.

But before I go, I want you to know how I feel about you. I'm going to be fine. But before I go, I want you to know how I feel about you and I want you to know what I want. Okay. That'll piss them off. All right. I will practice that. All right. Good luck.

All right. Thank you very much for talking with me. All right. Take care. Bye. Bye. For a lot of us. That's right. The start of a new year feels like the right time to schedule a doctor's appointment to check in and see where you are at health wise. Yeah. What about your reproductive health? Great question. Yeah. What about it? What about it? Listen, I want to be a

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Free shipping, nhroyals-O-L-S dot com. Make it natural, people. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name is Courtney and I'm 24. Awesome. How can I help, Courtney? So I had been dating this guy for about two and a half years. When our relationship first started for the first year, it was a little rocky to say the least.

He had some addiction issues and just some stuff in his past that was very, very much still prevalent in certain ways. And then there was an ex-girlfriend that was kind of in and out of the picture when she found out we were dating. Caused some problems, wanted to then confess her love still for him and all these different things. But throughout that year, we were just kind of learning each other and the do's and the don'ts of the things that we want and we don't want. And we got to a place where, you know, anytime anything would happen, he was very apologetic. He was quick to change his behavior. He knew how to like acknowledge that he was wrong and all the things that you would want if somebody was going to make a mistake. And then at the end of the year, uh, in 2019, we got into this fight and it was kind of

the end fight of the fact that he needed to become sober. He became sober, went to church. Um, the church that I go to found a counselor, did all the right things. Um, the counselor came back and told, or told him that, you know, you need to be honest and real with anything that's kind of taken place. It happened. So he confessed to having cheated with his ex-girlfriend throughout our relationship so while you guys were dating he was having sex with his ex-girlfriend he only once but yes but there was also communication throughout while we were dating so they had sex and then there was communication happening still up until like the middle of the year that's when it cut off and then at the end of the year

when all this this huge fight happened it was like okay we're going sober like we're getting into counseling and also here's what I've done and I want to be honest and upfront so we started working through those things this past year has been amazing um he started his, before the pandemic happened, he had started AA. It was working the 12 step program. And, um, we ended up moving in together. We got a dog together. My family took him in and truly like saw him become a different person. He changed everything about himself. Um, was kind of the person that I think I saw and had fallen in love with all along. was kind of the person that I think I saw and had fallen in love with all along. And then towards about October of last year, we started bickering a lot.

And a lot of it was due to the fact that he had stopped doing AA with the pandemic. He kind of had gotten lazy. And a lot of it made me really scared and fearful that some old patterns would start again because he wasn't working or doing anything to, um, you know, keep himself in the place that he promised that he would. So we would kind of bicker a lot and it was always about stupid things, but at the root of it all, it was about like the bigger issues that we've dealt with in the past that happened in, um, January and of this year. And we got into a big enough fight for him to leave, which normally doesn't happen. He left. He texted me the first night that he left saying that he was going to his sober friend's house, which I saw as a positive sign. He was letting me know where he was and

he chose a sober friend to go to. Came back. We started kind of arguing again, but when he came back, I noticed a completely like different person. He was like stone cold, no emotion, no anything. So I just totally shifted gears. And I just like started trying to just like, encourage him and let him know that I think that we just fallen off a little bit. And these are the things we need to do. And if he's willing, and I'm willing, like we can get back on track and things are fine. And, you know, we can make this work. And he just acted like he had no emotion at all. So finally, after like two days of crying and trying to like encourage him after everything, I just said, you either have to talk to me, we've got to work this out or you've got to go because I can't live in like the middle

area anymore. He kind of ignored that, stayed in the other room, didn't do much. Finally, I kind of stuck my, I put my foot down and I was like, okay, I really mean this. Like, you have to go if you're not going to do this. He left. Seeing that he left and then he didn't like tell me where he was going or reach out or anything. I genuinely was like, okay, he's probably going to come back and want to leave. That's never happened before, but maybe. he's probably going to come back and want to leave. That's never happened before, but maybe. So we're both actors.

We had left to go do some filming. And so some of the footage that was on his hard drive, I wanted to put over on my computer. So I did. When I got onto my computer, his email was logged in. And I could see that he had a confirmation number. He had left and got a hotel room there was about three hours of absolutely nothing and then he started taking lifts everywhere he took a lift downtown Los Angeles and um was there for one hour picked back up and then then mowed a girl two hundred dollars

um so when I saw that I immediately knew also because of his past that he had done this before. That he had got a prostitute. And that meant that he had relapsed. And then I was able to go further down the email. And I saw when he left my house within like 30 minutes, he had downloaded a bunch of dating apps. And one of the apps was Grindr. Can I ask you a question yeah what is it going to take for you to just be done what would it take for me to be done yeah i mean you've told this very kind of outrageous story about your partner, all of which has been you sounding wildly sympathetic.

A lot of people do this. You're not the only one. You're not delusional that these crazy things don't bother you. They clearly bother you, right? You're putting up with it. It sounds like this is something you've dealt with over and over. And to be clear, this is your boyfriend. This is not your husband. Right. Yeah. Yeah. So even even spouses don't put up with this type of behavior, but you have this. Right. that you're, you're in it no matter what. And as long as he's willing to apologize and, and try to keep working on these mistakes he's making, you will, it sounds like, I don't know, I'm just,

you know, I could be wrong, but it sounds like you'll, you have this endless amount of ability to accept these mistakes as long as he's willing to try again. And I'm just wondering, what is it going to take for you to just simply be done? Well, this has definitely topped it off for me. And like I am, I think in the past, like, and I've noticed through also, like just going through therapy, even just like this past month that we've been broken up, like realizing that that's, it can be a great thing,

but it's also a huge flaw of mine of being like a little too forgiving or too understanding or falling in love too fast and too quick and not like, like forgetting my own boundaries. Because to be honest, like in past relationships, that was never, ever a thing. I think like with this one, I was just like, oh my God, like I love him. You know what I mean? And then I put up with it for a while, way more than I should. But then when I saw the change in him, which is really when I found out the whole picture of everything, I genuinely saw someone like completely change who they were. So it made me for another year, like believe and think.

And then for that whole year, it was like, it was perfect. Like it was amazing. And so I think that that was why it also took like it let me forgive him like to a place where i would have probably never before yeah i mean what sounds like is that what you fell in love with was uh he a person he was capable of being yeah but not who he was and he showed you that and you loved that. You didn't necessarily love him. And then when you lost that, what became more of a focus for you was to get that thing back that you liked so much without ever considering and having a hard conversation with yourself, whether like this was actually who he was well and that's yeah that's the thing that i'm realizing is like especially like i when i saw the grinder thing i honestly was like okay he was he was drunk and he accidentally downloaded this one and i know

that sounds so stupid but like i really was like there's no way and then i went back to be totally honest like the grinder thing is just like to me, like the least of like, you know what I'm saying? Like this isn't like. Yeah. And if you called me up and said, hey, like I've been dating this guy. It's all pretty well, but like it's all going fairly well. And there's, you know, come a couple red flags. But all of a sudden I I noticed that he dated Grinder.

Am I dating someone who might be bisexual or gay? And how do I deal with that? That's not even what this is about, know and that could be an issue like this is a guy who struggles with addiction but and that you know and almost uses as as a crutch and an excuse to get you to you know give him a longer leash than he might deserve despite his addiction right um do you put up with lies and deceit and betrayal and infidelity and the the grinder app it's just like just add that to the list. I mean, I wouldn't even focus on that. I mean, I, that shouldn't be what breaks the camels back or whatever the straw that

breaks, you know, like I would think the, you know, all the other things, you know? And I think the biggest thing it's, it's like, I really think this is more of a you problem than a him problem because no one should put up with this. Not especially in a dating situation. I mean, let alone like sharing a family and having kids together or owning a home or like giving your marriage vows.

This is the guy that you dated. I mean, how long you been dating him? Two and a half years. And then in those two and a half years, how many months would you say have been what you would describe as great like january 2020 to like maybe may and then it started slowly declining again okay so in two years is it safe to say oh you know over 24 months maybe six

yeah and is that probably even being generous? Probably. Yeah. So yeah. Why? I don't know. That's the problem. Like I don't, I don't know because I've never had that issue before and I don't know what it is that keeps me like lying to myself or trying to see better or like, I don't, or being like, and right now, like my biggest question, I guess, Or like, I don't, or being like, and right now, like my biggest question, I guess, and why even like I'm wanting a guy's opinion is like, since he's found out that I know, because I actually just called a sister and I was like, your brother's relapsed. And I have no, you know, he used like a long time ago, about five years ago, he was a heroin addict. So I'm like, I don't know what, what extent he's going to take this to. And it scares me, but it's no longer my place. And I'm not chasing him anymore like I have so I'm just trying to let

somebody know in case this goes really south like that that's what's taking place right now and so he only even found out that I knew that I had seen everything because of his sister it took him five days to even reach out to me when he did reach out to me it was literally all about logistics of how he can get his stuff and move out I was sweet and all that I packed his stuff up I gave him a bag in the meantime not him I was always I haven't seen him since he left so I haven't seen him in over a month but um he's never come back he's never apologized he actually ended up moving three buildings down. So, yeah, I mean, that's my problem is it's like you haven't seen him in a month, but it sounds like that's more his choice than yours.

You haven't like, you know what I'm saying? You're almost kind of waiting every day to wonder if he's like when he's going to come back and for whatever reason. And if he does come back, is he going to be cold or is he going to say, I'm sorry? And you and that's what you're focused on. And that's not what you should be focused on. You are now stuck in this kind of circular trap of at least trying to like getting an apology and feel validated for what you've given him and the, in the love and consideration and the patience.

And then you've been there for them. And now there's a party that almost feels like you're owed. And I get it all that. But like the only thing you should do at this point is remove this toxic person from your life cut them out and listen is it great that you did what you did and called his sister and said like listen this person's no longer my problem but if someone just cares about another human from person to person like you need to know what's going on but like I need to like I from, from this point on, I'm out.

I need to remove myself. I'm releasing myself of any guilt or burden of what happens next with his life because it's not my problem. I tried, I've been there for him, but now I need to worry about me. But you haven't taken that step. Well, you're still waiting for him. You're on his time. You know?

Yeah. I think it's just hard. Cause like, you know know he's tried to be like oh i'll come get my stuff and i've i have like put my foot down and been like no i you need to either have a friend come do it or i will drop it off at a friend like i don't need to see you i don't want to do this like but you know why haven't you done that i have you you don't like i haven't no i've given his stuff to his friends yeah like so I have, he's tried to like do that whole exchange together in person. Um, and I was like, I don't want to do that because again, I'm acknowledging the fact

that like, I don't want to be sweet talked into or feel bad or any, like, I don't want to take the chance of seeing you and not following through with what I know I need to do. So I'll either go to one of your friends or have one of your friends come to me and like, let's just do it that way. And so it wasn't the way he wanted to do it, but like it is the way that I made sure that it went and it happened. But I think like the thing for me that's hard is like,

now it's all said and done. It's stuff's moved out. It's been a month. I just like, I'm so shocked that, and I'm moving forward. Like I am not seeing him. Like I don't actually am not seeing him. Like I, I don't actually want to see him. I just am shocked that I haven't even gotten like

an apology through a text of like, I'm really sorry that I just spent two and a half years with you and you did all this for me. And then I don't even apologize. You gotta let that go. Also, you know, if I were just, just some tough tough love like you didn't do this for credit you know you didn't do like no yeah you know so you have to accept that you did this because you cared about him it wasn't to get validation or because you wanted to feel like a good person and sometimes we're and often we're never fully appreciated the way we should feel so just take solace in the fact that like you did the right thing regardless of whether you were felt gratitude or you were thanked but like you need to move on you're never going to get the

thank you and even if you did how would you even know it's sincere and not some sort of manipulation tactic for him to get you back in his life i mean how can you believe anything this guy says and does at this point yeah that's true i think what happens if you got the apology like what would that i i wouldn't believe that it's a sincere apology no i i think yeah i think you're right like when i think about it i i know it's at the end of the day it's not going to change anything or do much i just think it's like an ego thing of like yeah freaking apologize for being such a douchebag and like being a dick for two and a half years when i do have to forgive yourself for what you know to be true is that deep down you wasted some time on this guy

you were way too lenient with this guy you gave him too much of a leash he you allowed yourself to be manipulated you have to give you have to forgive yourself for these things because you're having a hard time doing that. So your solution to this is to get him to apologize so that you don't have to apologize to yourself. You just have to let it go. And you can and you can feel good about yourself for, you know, being a good person. But you have to realize, listen, you wasted some time. We've all done it. a good person but you have to realize listen you wasted some time we've all done it uh you probably your ego feels a little stupid a little naive a little used a little manipulated you know all

those things and your ego wants and your your ego wants answers for that and it's pissed off and mad and you gotta tell you you gotta shut up and you gotta worry about what you need and that is to just let this go because it's consuming you even now more than you realize yeah and until you just forgive yourself for this like you're never going to get over it because he i promise you is never going to give you the closure that you your ego wants because like how do you believe it your ego will believe it your egos would be like see i told you we're awesome this was we we made the right choice to stick in it because we are great he just hasn't fully seen it yet yeah but you know it's uh just a matter of time before it happens again so it's kind of on

you now this is very much a you problem that you need to work on for yourself that doesn't require him at all to be a part of and just let it go. You got to let it go. We've all wasted time. We've made mistakes. We've, we've, we all like to think of, think of ourselves as good judges of character and think like we, we all, we always get that wrong all the time. And you got it wrong a little bit and that's okay and you got a little more fixated on who you thought he could be or who he was for a moment and not who he was and you don't want to feel like you got that wrong we all hate feeling being duped oh it's such a one of the worst feelings we can have is to feel taken advantage of and used or, or, well, it's also hard just because like, even with all of that, like I just, like he became my best friend in it. So like, I'm also just like, so heartbroken, like that he's chosen to go back to that life. And like for the first, he's,

he's a lot older than me. He's 33. So like for the first time in his life, he had, you know, experienced a sober life that was fulfilling and had the right things in it. And I know that in that time it did make him happy, but it's like, it's just heartbreaking. Even from just like a stand, a friend standpoint. That is your ego. That is your ego saying we got you to this place that you were better off and why wasn't that good enough for you yeah i just like yeah it's just hard to see him choose it again like yeah i mean addiction addiction you know i worry about it yeah it sucks i mean like and i don't mean to sound cold and it really sucks and we're all hoping for

the best for this guy but it's not your problem and and and you't, your ego can't be so strong that you think you're the only person who can save him. He's going to have to save himself. He's got a sister. He's got, you know, and it's just going to hurt you. And I know he's, I believe that he was your best friend. You can get a new best friend. Our best friends come and go.

You know, we evolve our friends evolve sometimes we grow apart sometimes we grow together and you guys are growing do you feel like do you feel like then the fact that he was able to go back to doing that so quickly means that like really he has never genuinely like pursuing those things i think that says your ego wondering those things. I'm not a professional when it comes to addiction. It sounds like all I do know about addiction is that it sucks. It's fuck. It's a disease. It's terrible. Uh, it's unfortunate. It hurts a lot of people. Uh, I don't have that answer, you know, but I, I can tell you that your ego wants to

put all these labels and assess value and importance to the things that you did. And I don't have those answers. It sounds like he's sick and he needs some real help and he needs to figure out how to do that. And it's no longer your problem. And I think you need to let go of that burden. problem and I think you need to let go of that burden and you you have to be careful not to let your ego make you feel righteous in your endeavor to help them when all it really wants to do is feel special that's tough I know it sucks it sucks so much yeah because like more than anything I just like genuinely like I just hope that he like is, is fine and, like, doesn't have, like, a horrible, you know.

And that's okay to feel that. You can feel love for him. You can wish him the best. You can pray for him. But you have to let him go and you have to get him out of your thoughts. And you are, you're obsessed with this situation. You are. You have an addiction to this situation you have gotten

yourself in and your ego is controlling and what motivates you and you need to work through this so you can get over it and uh otherwise you can be in this thing for years and it's it's it's gonna it's gonna really hurt you and it can hurt you even more than it's already hurt you. So you got to start protecting yourself. Yeah. I think I just need to, like you said, just like focus on me and like my healing with it and not need the answers and not need to understand it and just move forward. Yeah. And it's hard. You're going to have your good days and bad days. Don't be afraid to talk to a therapist about this and work through it, but you got to tell yourself that you truly are done and you got to start asking why, and you got to start hoping for an apology or validation

for what you've already invested. Sometimes we just have to cut our losses and move on. You know, a couple of years ago, I, I made a choice and, and invested $20,000 and then realized that was really dumb and I had to get out of it. I lost $20,000 and it fucking sucks. But what I chose to do is I chose to lose $20,000, not $100,000. And if I had not made that tough loss and, and hope that, you know, and there, you know, I don't know if I would, but I do know, I kind of like, I was just like, this is most likely isn't to keep getting in a bad situation. And I can either put more time and energy and money into it, or I can just cut my losses. And you know what? I, that was years ago. It's fine. And it's,

and what, every time it gets, even now that I'm saying it out loud, I'm like irritated, you know, bug, you know, but like, you just gotta fucking let it go you gotta deal with it and we make bad choices sometimes but the best thing we can do is recognize it as soon as possible and then make that problem not worse or stop it from becoming worse and that's where you're at right now i'm sorry all right You got to be strong here. You really need to be strong. You know, this is on you. Ask your friends to like check you.

Ask your friends to not let you, you know, you need to ask. Don't ask your friends like for excuses and validation to keep doing what you're doing. You need to ask your friends for some tough love because you need it right now. All right now. Alrighty. Thank you. Best of luck rooting for you. All right. Thank you. How's it going? Hey, this is Jackson 28. How's it going, Nick? Good Jackson. How can I help? I have been engaged now for two weeks. Congratulations. Yeah, I got engaged at the end of January.

She's absolutely the love of my life. It's taken me a long, hard journey to find her, even though I'm only 28 years old. You're probably rolling your eyes, but it's one of those things where I grew up in a very Christian household. I went to a Christian college and it kind of gets bred in you that this is going to happen really early on in your life. And my sister got married at 22. And it just is a, it's a thing in my family where you just, you have kids young, you do everything young. And I've had a few girlfriends in high school cheated on me, a few girlfriends in college cheat on me. Girls make you think they like you, and then they use you, and then they, you know, things don't go the way you think they're going to go.

They use you and then they, you know, things don't go the way you think they're going to go. And so for about probably the last six to eight months, I'm a very vivid dreamer. I remember my dreams and I have been having like sexual dreams about other girls. I look over and I see my fiance and or I think it's supposed to be my fiance and it's not. And it's just, it's something that we talked about a few times in the beginning. I definitely opened up, you know, it was an emotional for me because I love her. Like everything about her, she's intelligent. She just brings so much joy into my life. She's family oriented, but it just hurts me in the fact of

why are these people that literally I don't talk to anymore, or I have no feelings for anymore in that, you know, in, in my mind, in the back of my mind, I guess. So does your fiance know you've had these dreams? Yeah, I'm, I'm very open. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm probably, I'm a communication major. I probably, I'm very open. I'm, I'm, I'm probably, I'm a communication major. I probably, uh, I'm in sales. I'm probably too open. I've been accused of that in the past. Like, you know what? I didn't even know that, you know? Um, and so what's, what's your question or what's your biggest problem with this? I guess my biggest question and my biggest problem is one, I feel guilty um but then two I guess is this somewhat normal and you know or yeah I guess I mean yeah face a big thing for me um I did have

sex before in high school yeah I have sex with my fiance so so it's just hard, I guess you could say. I think you're okay, man. I'm not a psychologist. I'm not an expert in dreams, but I do know people have dreams. I know I personally have dreams. I'm not necessarily a vivid dreamer, but I've dreamed about almost every ex I've ever had from time to time. I sometimes have weird fucking dreams about random people interacted with i don't necessarily know what they mean um but our brain is kind of a beautiful mystery type of thing and

i you know as someone who grew up very religious i again we've talked about there's a lot of judgment and shame that comes from from religion and and there's a lot of people who use religion to judge and shame people to kind of project their own insecurities and and things on themselves unless this is some sort of chronic problem that just doesn't go away i i still don't think you have anything to feel guilty about but if it's what I'm saying is if it's something that let's like every day, every night, and it never goes away, then maybe there's something you need to address and deal with.

And maybe, maybe talking to a therapist or an expert to kind of try to dig into that while you might be having it. But I personally think God's fine with it. You know what I'm saying? Like, you know, I listen,

you are human. Kudos on you for being able to communicate with your wife about this and I don't know how does she respond to that like is she does she glad you tell her or is she almost like I don't need to know that you know where is she standing the first time it happened it was like I was like very emotional about it because I felt like I cheated but yeah eventually she was just after like the third time she was like you don't need to tell me I mean I know you're like you know laying here with me like it's not you know you don't we don't sleep in separate beds like we don't we don't you know with the pandemic we moved in pretty much like the second week of March

you know we were you know so it's it just it's like you know, we were, you know, so it's, it just, it's like, you know, and I'm obviously not traveling right now because of COVID related and all that stuff. So it's just, you know, we were in the same bed every single night. Yeah. And so I think that was her response is like, okay, I don't need to know. I don't have any problems. Like I know you're not going to cheat. I know. Does she have the same background as you in terms of religious background no no she doesn't no that

makes sense her thank god mom's side yeah her mom's her mom's side is a little bit more but her parents didn't bring them up it's a interesting because i get where you're coming from right and I get where you're coming from. Right. And a lot of times we just you clearly have this desire to love your fiance and future wife the right way. And you value that. And and that's amazing. Right. But I just personally believe that, you know, love and real love comes from, you know, that choice and sacrifice to focus on your wife and love your wife. And the fact, you know, the fact that you're attracted to her isn't why you, you know, doesn't necessarily speak to the real love that you have for her. You are, you are a man, you're a human being. And, you know, we have our thoughts and feelings, right? And now it's great on you for not indulging in those temptations. You know, you've heard of temptation. You're religious.

So we are tempted all the time. And when you close your eyes and go to bed, you know, like you kind of you lose control over that, right? Now, if you woke up and you're like oh that was super hot and then you're like you decided to like you know go to instagram and look up the girl you had a dream about and dm'd her and been like hey i had this super hot dream about you can i talk to you about it and that would be kind of fucked up and wrong but you're not doing that right like you're just your mind's going nuts and you know it's uh's okay. You know, like you can love your wife unconditionally. You could be the most faithful husband.

And, you know, there are going to be moments where you watch a movie, come across some porn, see a girl in the street, and you're going to go, that's a very attractive person. You know? You didn't cheat on your wife, man. And your wife is going to say the same thing about other guys. The real love. Oh, she does.

When you watch a basketball game or watch, you know, whatever, watch a movie or whatever. She's like, that guy's really attractive. And she does it as more like a playful, you know, bugs me. And that's not that even that it bugs me, but it's just like, you know, it's like, when it like, let me know. Totally. I mean, I think what you said was perfectly true is that the, the first date we ever went on, um, yeah, I took her back to her apartment. I,

you know, when we, we, we made out and stuff, but it, you just grow to love that person so much that you love them for like the physical attraction is probably the least thing you love about them because it's the easiest. You know, that's yeah. I mean, that's kind of like what attracts you. And that's the lust. And you certainly like that about them. And you love that you are physically attracted to them. But you're right. That's not necessarily what you love about them. That's not necessarily why you're making sacrifices to like give up certain freedoms and the ability to do whatever the hell you want because you want to commit to this relationship and this person. Me personally, I get uncomfortable if I'm dating someone that are like, I only have eyes for you.

Everyone else is ugly. You're the best. I'm like, I know that's not true. And I don't need you to tell me that to make me feel safe. I want I it's OK that I it's OK that you find other people attractive. I just want you to tell me that to make me feel safe. I want, I, it's okay that I, I, it's okay that you find other people attractive. I just want you to be faithful to me. You know, I just want, like, I want you to be able to talk to me about that. You're right. Certain times there's a limit. I don't need to like, if you want to go ahead and indulge and let your mind wander, like me

personally, I'm fine with that because, uh, it comes down to like making sacrifices and choices and what you have. So I let go of the guilt, man. Like don't beat yourself up. That's just going to be unnecessary stress and anxiety. But again, short of you having like this like nightly and it doesn't go away and there's these really intense dreams and you can't get out of your head and you find yourself obsessing over it, then maybe dig into that and talk to a therapist. And even then, like, just, just deal with it, address it. Don't, you know, guilt and shame isn't going to get you anywhere. You know, it's just going to make you feel bad. I think a lot of it comes from like being cheated on in the past and just wanting that to move on and, uh, wanting her to never do that to me because that's happened in the past.

And so, yeah, and I think the biggest thing for me, the thing I take out at the end of the day is that every time I have one of these dreams, even though it can be every other week or once every three weeks, that every time I'm in the dream, I look over and I see the person's face and I'm like super disappointed that it's not her. And I'm looking for my fiance.

And I think I find solace in that is that lately I've just made that the, the point emphasis I have is that I look for her yeah and i you know there's a some romance in there listen cheating is a choice we're not preordained to cheat we're we're it doesn't matter what goes on in our brain or what we're attracted to no one makes us cheat if we get cheated on they weren't uh coerced. We all make these choices. So your ex-girlfriends, they made the choice to cheat on you. It hurt you. You may not have been the perfect boyfriend then.

It doesn't matter. They chose to do that. They could have broken up with you. They could have ended the relationship. They could have done other things other than cheating on you. And your fiancé and you, to each other, make those choices. So like you can have these dreams. And again, like if it's a problem, address it, but you know, you could just be going through some anxiety or some personal conflict and the

fact that you've been cheated on. And, and you know, our dreams, I think, I think can be kind of signals to ourself as, Hey, there's something internal eating away at us and you should probably try to unpack that. But I don't think you should necessarily feel guilt from that your kind of inner self telling you that you have some things to unpack. You know, at the end of the day, you're going to be faithful to your fiance and wife because you choose to. And it's not because you never come across some girl or woman who, you know, you find attractive, you know, that turns you on. I wouldn't, you know, I don't think it's healthy to, to be like, oh, well, I can't hope

I'm attracted to as long as I don't cheat on my wife. And I don't think it would be good to like mentally close your eyes and masturbate to the, some girl and be like, well, I didn't cheat on her. Like, and clearly I'm not worried about you doing that because you know, you're already having a hard time with dreams, but you get what I'm saying? Like, it's a, we make these choices. We have to be accountable for our choices. We have free will. Um, and, and sometimes, uh, our subconscious can be more or less, uh, you know, uh, like, uh, uh, a bat signal, if you will, to be like, Hey, we, there's something eating away at us that we should maybe look into but no I appreciate it I think that's I think that for me is a is a good perspective is that you know like I said every night I'm going to bed with her and like I really I love what you said it it's a choice to cheat and, um, hopefully you don't have to experience it, but a lot of us have, it's not something that is like, oh my gosh, wow, you've

been cheated on. I mean, pretty much everybody in college I had, you know, had at some point felt like they were cheated on. Yeah. I encourage you to address this, right? I encourage you to look into this. It's okay that it still bothers you, right? It's okay that it still eats away at you. And it doesn't mean you're not ready to get married or be engaged. And it doesn't mean you're not even ready to be in a relationship. It just means that you haven't fully dealt with it. And I think you should because while it's nice that you can communicate to your fiance and let her know you're insecure about it, you don't want to project those insecurities onto this relationship and you you know you're you're probably doing it maybe more than you realize and it can affect your relationship eventually so i i would encourage you

to to address those those feelings that you have towards the situation on your own you know and not necessarily always with your fiance yeah i'm i'm i think that's a good point and by on your own you know and not necessarily always with your fiance yeah i'm i think that's a good point and by on your own i mean like don't include your fiance like a therapist or like just you know yeah i think that's a good point and like when we i'm a very i'm a very i've always been a pretty jealous person i've always been like you know i think it comes from the church background you're mine you choose me you know that's the way this whole thing is, is that this is how this works or supposed to work. And no, I think that's good. I think we're going to, we will do like marriage counseling and stuff,

which I'm like really excited for. But I think I agree with you, not involving her and diving down into some of the big stuff, doing individual counseling could be a positive. I appreciate that comment. Yeah, I agree. Well, congratulations. It sounds like you're a great guy and it sounds like you guys have a good thing going.

We all have these little demons and things that we have to deal with. So you're no different. So best of luck. I really appreciate you calling in and it sounds like you're one of the good ones. Yeah, I appreciate the time and I i really appreciate the podcast like i was telling chrissy during the call like i know this uh podcast is supposed to be for girls but i feel

like guys can take a lot out of it yeah i i don't like i i like to think it's for everyone but uh certainly we have a dominant female audience but I appreciate you saying that. All right. Thanks. All right, buddy. Take care. Well, what a great episode.

What a fun ton of fun. Amanda, what is that thing again? That people who are dealing with people with addiction that can go to for like a support system. Al-Anon. Al-Anon. How do you spell it? Al-Anon. Al-Anon? How do you spell it? Al-Anon.

A-L. A-N-O-N. A-N-O-N. They're doing a lot of virtual meetings right now. So be sure to check that out. I've been to three Al-Anon meetings. Have you? I have. I had a boss who had a meth addiction.

It's not you. Thanks for letting me know. Thank you guys for listening. We certainly appreciate all our callers who called in and share their stories and their vulnerability. Don't forget to send in your questions at asknicacastme.com. Cast with a K. We always appreciate your reviews. Five stars. We will see you back tomorrow for some more Bachelor.

Bye.