The Viall Files - E248 Ask Nick- You’re Part of His Roster

Episode Date: March 15, 2021

On this episode of Ask Nick we start with a woman who is exploring her sex life and asks her boyfriend his ideal female type- only to be surprised when his answer is her complete opposite. Our next caller has received an ultimatum from her husband to stop smoking weed or he is going to leave. We then speak with someone  who doesn’t want commitment and wants to keep her relationships open but then one day looked up and realized she was in love and doesn't know what to do with that feeling. Finally, we try to help someone figure out if she is reading a situation wrong after shooting her shot or if she is just part of the guys dating roster.  “How do you even tell height in a porn? ” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  For merch please visit www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Brooklinen: http://www.brooklinen.com enter promo code VIALL for $25 off, with a minimum purchase of $100. Rothys: http://www.rothys.com Check out all the amazing shoes, bags and masks available right now. Best Fiends: Download Best Fiends FREE today on the Apple App Store or Google Play. Natural Habits: http://nhoils.com  use code KRISSY for 25%off. Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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What's going on everybody happy monday to you all i hope you're having a great day big week for us and it starts with ask nick ask nick ask nick don't want to say ass. Dear friend Justin Long, who pointed out that's dangerous. Anyways, we got some great callers today and some even better advice. And we can't thank the people enough for calling in and being so vulnerable. It warms my heart to see sometimes they call in, they'll get nervous, and then they're so glad that they called in. I only say that because we want you to write in to our show. Come on this podcast.

Tell us your tragic problem and give us an opportunity to fix it. And, yeah, so it's great. Also, this week ahead, big week, obviously, we have the Bachelor finale. We will be recapping the finale and after the final rows. We'll be discussing AFR, obviously, with the new host of AFR, Emmanuel Acho. And that's sure to be insightful, dramatic. I don't know what it's going to be, but I'm sure we'll have a lot to discuss. And Zuri Hall will be with us to break it all down.

And then we have Brie will be with us to talk about her experience on the show, the finale, how she feels about the finale, how she feels about the new news in Bachelor Nation. And boy, there is news, let me tell you. But it sounds like you'll find out tonight officially. Brie will be great. She'll be with us. And that will all be out this week. Quite honestly, they'll probably all be out on Tuesday sometime because, you know, we want to get that up and get it out there as soon as possible for you to digest it.

So there will be both a recap and an interview with Bree to talk about her time. Don't miss either. They're sure to be great. So if there's nothing else, let's get to our callers. Don't forget we have some merch out there, some breakup books. If you have a friend who just can't seem to get over Mr wrong or mr toxic um get him a breakup book have him make a list of all the shitty things they did and all the things they stopped him from enjoying in that relationship they can't seem to get over anywho is that it great Question time with Nick Let's ask Nick your sexy questions

How's it going? Hi, my name is Katie and I'm 22 Hi Katie, how can I help? Okay, so me and my husband have been married for two and a half years And we started dating whenever I was 15 and he was 16. So recently we have been kind of exploring our sex life a little bit more. I used to have like this issue, it's called vulvodynia, like you have too many nerves in your vagina just to be blatantly honest. What is it called? Slow down. I mean like this might be something that could be relatable for

our audience. I don't know what it is, but what? Yeah, I wanted to bring it up because whenever I was going through it, I felt so alone because no one talks about their vaginas. And because it's a pain you can't see, no one wants to mention it. So anyways, whenever I was 16, I got diagnosed. What's it called again? It's called vulvodynia. Okay. Or some people call it vulvar vestibulitis.

So it's just in layman's terms, you just have too many nerves in your vagina. And so the way that you get diagnosed technically is they poke you in your vulva with a cotton ball, and it feels like a toothpick, if that just tells you how it feels. Okay. Wow. That sounds awesome. Sorry. Yeah. And so anyway, so me and him had to kind of go through that together. And so he was really considerate but because of that you know I also really understood that he probably wanted to watch porn and you know jack off and you know because I couldn't really do it for him even though

we were young you know people have different views on that whatever but anyway so then recently 15 months ago I had a baby and they were like it can either fix it or make it worse. Well, for me, I just got like totally better. So now recently, we've been like really exploring our sex life and trying to go that route. Well, in a discussion recently about porn, I asked him, which I don't think I would do again. But anyways, I asked him what his ideal woman would be. And I wasn't expecting his response to be literally the polar opposite of myself. What made you ask that question? So I'm not a jealous person. Are you a risk taker? I really am. What is your go-to porn? What's your fantasy?

No, you were like, what's your... Des, what is your go-to porn? Like, what's your fantasy? No, you were like, what's your, describe to me your, I mean, you, like, you asked the question and he was apparently honest. Oh, he was very honest. Okay. And that's why I'm saying, I don't recommend this to anyone because it was one of those things that if I could go back, I probably wouldn't. Cause I'm not insecure. I'm not jealous.

But now I'm like really like self-analyzing our sex life like, why are you looking away? Do you not want to see me? Anyway, so he pretty much said that his ideal type is blonde, five foot, big boobs, big butt and thin.

Sorry, my child is yelling. Anyways, and I am five nine, thin. Wait, and I am 5'9". Wait, hold on. Wait. Five foot, big boobs, big butt, and blonde hair? Yes. And thin. That person doesn't exist.

I know. Five foot? That's what I told my mom. Do you know how tall five foot is? Like you're six too. I mean, boobs is relative. I mean like,

but anyway, yeah, that's a very specific and I think you should feel good about, I'm trying to make you feel better because this is literally a fantasy. You know what I'm saying? This is not like he described your neighbor, you know? And again, like for all the five feet people out there I'm

not trying to but like and again you like it's all relative to but like when you say big boobs and you're thinking porn you're like you might be thinking a certain cup size and right like you know thin but big boobs and a big butt but also like it's just a lot a lot of different like

are you into curvy girls or into thin girls i don't even know like he's like i don't know but this is what i like you know right he's like this is what i watch on porn and this is what gets me off so this is what i'm gonna describe how do you even tell height in a porn i don't like i don't know well his excuse was which is really tmi but he's like when I'm hitting it from the back, it's too hard because you're too tall. How tall is he? He's 6'2", but I'm 5'9", so there's not like a huge height difference. I mean, I'm 6'2", and I'm dating someone who's 5'9".

See, I just think he needs to work on it. No real problems. you asked a silly question you got a silly answer yeah it was one of those things i'm like i just don't but i wanted the guy's perspective because i'm like i am literally the polar opposite like for my ideal person like he hits like nine out of ten points like as far as physical attraction for me i like was literally zero for zero you're a very attractive person you guys got you're the only you you you you two are all the other person knows you're human i mean you're gonna right your brain's gonna be curious and he no doubt loves you and like you like i i would if i got married to someone who i had been dating for 15 and they asked me who's my ideal woman i would have described someone who's exactly the

opposite too probably because it'd been like anything but you kind of a sense and like if you're you know and i and i'm sure he loves you but like that it will be i'm assuming it will be something you guys will continue to like deal with a little bit, right? This idea that we're living in a world now that, you know, gets married later in life, right? Where most of your friends and people you're going to work with, interact with, are going to talk about multiple partners they've had or the different relationships they had. And you guys are going to be like, well, he's all I've ever known, you know? And like, that would be great and something you guys will also it will also bring you together but there will also be

moments that you will feel like wow do i should have had more of a you know variety in my life definitely yeah he's definitely told me that like and we both agree that if we could have got together later in life you know and still married now, but like experienced our high school years apart to just explore things. I think that he definitely regrets like being tied down so young just because he didn't get to like explore any other sexual options. And especially because we weren't able to really have sex. I mean, I feel like he kind of just got the shit end of the deal the whole way through. Let me ask you a question.

When you asked the question, you gave the answer. Obviously, and understandably so, I can see why that was annoying and bothersome. But did it make you jealous? I don't think it actually made me jealous. I knew that he had been into blondes our whole relationship, just from me being like, oh, that lady's pretty hot,

and him being like, oh, yeah, she's good looking, or if she was brunette normally, like, yeah, she's okay. And so I figured that out a long time ago. You don't strike me as a jealous person. That's why I ask. And that's a good thing. Right. But you're also like human. Right. So I think that's a good position to be in as I think the fact that like, I think you guys just need to be aware of this potential problem or just, you know, like every relationship has things that like hey

like given our personalities this is something we're going to always deal with like whatever that thing is right and like this situation that you guys are in like it's something that you're going to from time to time have to address and I think that's okay as well and it's good that you're not generally

a jealous person because like you can't help him being curious and watching porn but like as long as you guys are constantly talking communicating and and and not making the other piece of person feel judged because they just you know he probably felt good telling you you know i know and see and i don't even want to bring it up like oh like i don't want to keep asking like well why why is that not me you know i don't want to bring it up like, oh, like, I don't want to keep asking, like, well, why, why is that not me? You know, I don't want to bring it up because I also like, like the open dialogue and I don't want to make him feel bad for telling me the truth. And so I was kind of like, I just like, was like, well, that's literally nothing like me,

you know, and just joked it off because it's like, what am I going to, you know, he likes what he likes. I can't change it. But I was just curious. In his mind, answering that question was the equivalent of him being someone who like only eats pepperoni pizza and he likes it and he's just never had the opportunity anything else and he was like you know what i just want to fucking mix it up and throw like some fucking you know pineapple on there you know like it's nutty i know but like god i just want to fucking try it like that that's that's literally how his brain was answering that question because it was just i don't know something fucking different like

so you guys are in a very unique position that's it yeah so and i so i was just curious a guy's perspective on that because i don't know as a woman i just feel like i'm like you know i feel like in general women are always like categorized as being jealous and insecure and things like that. And I really don't feel that way about myself. And so I'm like, why is this bothering me to the extent that it is? And I just didn't, from a guy's perspective, like, I didn't know if it was better to like, ask him, you know, if that's something that he wants to do. Like if he is going to actually forever be happy being with someone who is not his type. Totally. If that makes sense. Yeah. Again, you're human. So I get why it's in your head.

Right. And I don't have the answer. Like, I don't know what his type is. I just know that you guys are in a unique position because you're all each other knows right and right most people especially nowadays uh decide to date around and maybe have a few sexual partners and they get to figure out what like you can think what your type is until you try it and you're like yeah not not into it you know he just doesn't know it's all like the only thing he knows is you right and then you know like and then you ask specific questions like your specific follow-up questions like well five foot and he's like he's trying to give you

like a physics lessons and like having sex from behind as if like huh as if you haven't been able to do this it makes no sense but you you ask this question. He didn't know what to answer. He's like, I don't know. Like, I can't hit him from the back. I don't know. Like, he didn't know what to say, you know? So like, he just tried to answer the question. He's like, I don't fucking know. I'm sorry. I'm so honest. I'm stupid. Like, um, right. That was exactly, he was like, immediately he just threw that out there and I'm like, I don't really feel like that's what you really think, but we'll go with that. Yeah. I mean, he don't really feel like that's what you really think but we'll go with that yeah I mean he's six two like it's totally fine um even if he was five nine it's fine I don't think it works that way um so yeah um I think it's good that you

guys seem to be what's good is that you guys communicate you do ask these questions and even when the person you know slips up or maybe it's too honest no one's freaking out and and right you just have to keep talking and and you guys are going to have to discover kind of this new sexual chem you know new sex world or whatever that's a bad phrase but like uh you're just gonna have to keep talking about your sex life and explore new things together and be open-minded and non-judgmental. And I think that will serve you guys really well. Alrighty. Well, I appreciate it. That helps me because I was really just like, am I being crazy? I'm trying not to be crazy, you know?

No, you're definitely allowed to feel annoyed by his answer and getting your head about it because it's normal. But I wouldn't, you know, head about it because it's normal but i wouldn't you know stress about it too much um you know more than just like you're human and it's gonna happen but yeah okay all right already well i appreciate it all right best of luck take care how's your comfort looking these days? A lot like how you feel? Maybe a little lumpy? Have you ever felt lumpy? I don't think I've ever.

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Freak yeah. All right. How's it going? Hi. I'm Drew. Thank you for having me. I'm 28. Hi, Drew.

How can I help? So I have a very interesting topic for you. so i have a very interesting topic for you um my husband gave me the ultimatum to either stop smoking weed or he's going to leave so i kind of would like your help navigating that yeah right um so i'll give you a little backstory we have three kids we've been together seven years and weed is completely legal in our state, recreational, everything. So once that became legal, we had discussions about, you know, trying it again since we haven't, since we were, you know, teenagers, once I stopped breastfeeding. So that time came and I told them, hey, I'm going to try it and see how like I react to it to help with like my anxiety and my depression because I was already taking antidepressants at that time so um I tried it

and he was okay with it for like a couple weeks and I only smoked like one little hitter at night before bed when the kids were asleep and so it wasn't around them at all and then he kind of just flipped the switch and decided he wasn't okay with it um and so i reluctantly agreed to stop because you know it's not really worth him being upset about you know um and then i quit for like a couple months and then i started up again and he found out and you hit it kind of you hit it for him from him right and that this kind of happened like two or three times well three times and um here recently why'd you hide it from him um because he like when he first told me to stop i tried to talk to him and say can we compromise like maybe it's only once a week instead of every night

you know and he was just like no he just shut me out he wouldn't let me ask him why he wanted you to stop or did he articulate why yeah and his reasoning is very um very kind of different from mine. He is very stereotypical. And so he kind of thinks weed is for low lives. No one can be successful if they use weed. Does he drink alcohol? Yeah, he has like a beer every night. Every night? Usually when he gets home from work.

Yeah, basically, yeah. And I know I'm painting him in a bad light and I'm really not trying to do that, but it is the truth, you know? No, you I'm painting him in a bad light and I'm really not trying to do that. But it is the truth, you know. No, I'm not. You're not painting him in a bad light. I think this type of hypocrisy and based off of the fact that like, I mean, it's just a matter of fact that his argument doesn't make sense. Like he's generalizing an entire group of people who have, you know, ever smoked marijuana and like letting anyone who drinks alcohol completely off the hook based off of whatever

perception he has? Have you ever asked him if he is open to the possibility that his generalization is not totally accurate? Yeah, and he is a very black and white person. So he's like this in all aspects of his life, not just this topic. And so it's very hard to for him to see um someone else's point of view um no it's not and it's i this okay so this last time i started smoking again about two weeks ago when i wrote in and i have recently just told him about it

and he kind of blew up at me and it's just like okay we're done like you you either have to start doing therapy and he told you you have to do therapy yeah uh-huh right um well i i do have like my writing depression my response to him would be like i'm down for us to do therapy because this is a wee problem because i from my point of view uh you your response to this seems to be well wildly inappropriate judgmental hypocritical i agree one thing we agree on is we're completely not on the same page here and i agree that maybe we could use you know some therapy to get on the same page right but if if you think I should get therapy so that some therapist can tell me that you're right, well, you're on another planet.

First of all, a therapist wouldn't do that. Right. You know? So, yeah, I mean, it sucks. I mean, I'm not a therapist, but I don't think weed's the problem here. No. Because like you said, it sounds like you could probably give me a few other topics in which he seems to be pretty stubborn, judgmental,

and unwilling to have a conversation or a discussion about a topic. I mean, that seems nuts to be in a relationship with someone you can't have a conversation with about, you know, anything, you know, about, you know, just, you know, I guess politics, religion, people's point of views. I mean, do you ever feel like you can talk to your husband? No, not really. We have different point of views. Pretty much everything.

Yeah, like you were saying. But, you know, I'm like a very laid back person. I kind of don't like confrontation. So I just kind of go with it. And I think that's been the problem for so many years. But, yeah, I'm just kind of at the point now. It's like, okay, well, weed helps me. I smoke it a little hitter once a night, you know, and the kids are in bed. I don't have a problem with it.

I can stop. It's just, I don't really want to. And I, I can't even articulate that to him because he doesn't want to hear it. He literally just silenced me and like shuts me out. Well, that's a, that's a problem. Yeah. Right. And I'm just like, me out well that's a so that's a problem yeah right and i'm just like okay well you know smoking weed isn't worth getting a divorce over you know i don't know there's a weed issue right well for him that's how he sees it he's like okay this is a control then i'm leaving this is a right yeah i mean he's just trying to control you and threaten you and and give you ultimatums i'm like how could you do that? And I mean, if someone called in and said to my boyfriend who I've been dating for two months said this to me, I would be like, that's nuts, let alone your husband, like, and it doesn't give him

more of a right to say that to you. It gives him less, you know, it gives him less of a reason because you're his wife who you like, who is he to tell you exactly, you know, what to do and tell you, like, listen, it'd be one thing. I mean, it'd still be nuts. listen it'd be one thing i mean it'd still be nuts but it'd be one thing if let's say he was a recovering alcoholic and he was sober and he was like i just don't want this in the house and like help me help myself type of thing and you know even then it would like you know i don't you know i don't know how that all works but i could at least try to empathize with that point of view of you know do you really need to bring any type of substance alcohol marijuana or anything in the house because you know do you you're living with a you know

someone who's trying to stay sober but this guy's drinking on a regular basis his yeah he has his you know that's his vice of you know and that's fine too he wants a beer to unwind after work good for him you know um right just, right. Just because his store, you know, like he went to high school with a guy who was a pothead. It was kind of lazy. Like, okay.

Like, you know, I've, I know a lot of people have, you know, they're drinking really gets in the way of their success. Um, so yeah,

that, I mean, that's nuts, but I think that there's a bigger issue here. It seems like, uh, there's a lot of control issues with your husband. And I don't think ultimatums are positive. I mean, I don't know. I couldn't live in a household or a world where I felt like I didn't have a husband or a wife.

I had literally a parent or a master or a warden or you know like a yeah how that's insane that's insane uh in the short term yeah i wouldn't i'd stop lying to him i would stop hiding anything don't hide things that you're not doing wrong because in a way when you're hiding it you're you're at you're suggesting that it is wrong and you have nothing to be sorry for you have nothing to hide you have the right to do it now granted he's probably still gonna be mad and it's gonna be but uh yeah i i think therapy would be great for you guys i think that's yeah i i think it really needs I think there's a lot going on in this relationship. And weed's just a catalyst.

Yeah, I agree. And we've tried therapy before. It's just a few times and it didn't really get us anywhere. So I'm going to start it up again just for myself and see how that goes. But yeah, I don't want to hide it from him anymore. Yeah, I'm sorry it sucks but it i in the short term i would definitely stop lying stop hiding stop apologizing for things you're not doing wrong i know you don't like confrontation but don't don't back down by these in these situations because it only enables them and it only empowers them and only only makes him feel more justified because it's like,

Oh, I don't want you to know. And that's not why you're doing it. You're doing, cause you don't want to argue and you don't want to fight. You just don't want to deal with it, but that's not how he's interpreting it. Right.

Right. Alrighty. Well, thank you. I appreciate your point of view. Yeah. I'm sorry. That sucks.

Yeah. But yeah, you have nothing to feel guilty about. I can tell you that much, but yeah. Well, I appreciate that. All view. Yeah. I'm sorry. That sucks. Yeah. But yeah, you have nothing to feel guilty about. I can tell you that much, but yeah. Well, I appreciate that. All right.

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So you can get our bundle package or get individual roll-ons or you can diffuse them in your diffuser with our pure essential oils nhoils.com code chrissy for 25 off nhoils.com how's it going good my name is kaylee and i'm 22. Hi, Kaylee. How can I help? So I wrote in about, I was, when I wrote in, I was in an open relationship. Okay. With a guy that, well, previously I was divorced and I know that I'm a relationship type of girl. And I know that I'm a relationship type of girl.

So I just was like, I want a relationship with someone, but don't want to commit fully. So I was like, an open relationship, why not? So this was kind of more your idea? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So I saw this guy previously in the past, we had a thing,

it was kind of, it wasn't, there was no title, but we were exclusive. So I was like, we called things off, rekindled things. He's like, I want you in my life again. And I was like, well, I don't want commitment. So I can still see you. But like, what if we keep it open? And he was like, okay, yeah, that's fine okay it's like all right cool and things go down the road and he's like oh i see a future well not necessarily future but he's like i want i want you to be the mother of my children okay how old is this guy 26 okay so how long are you married for when'd you get married i mean you're 22 i got married at 19 okay um didn't work out so don't work out where we're from people get

married young and we're in the military so so just figuring things out um yeah he's like I want children with you but he like doesn't have a job and he's like on the verge of homeless and I was like I don't want children with that yeah that's reasonable um anyways and then I started still going on dates with other people and I went on a date with this one guy and I was like oh yeah we're just friends like we got along great are we understood each other's humor I was like we're just gonna be friends and I told him that and he's like okay that doesn't ever happen to me but whatever and then we hang out a few more times and all of a sudden like seeing him like interact with his son not I'm not I've never met his son but like just seeing him reacting to

videos of his son and like talking about his son and i was like this is so cute no i don't want kids right now but like that's something i want in some my future like i want someone who wants kids and is excited and loves their kids and then on sunday we went out to dinner with his parents met him the first time just as friends and wait is this is this the same guy you said we're just gonna be friends and he said that doesn't happen to me or is this someone else okay this is the same guy yeah why'd you meet his parents i don't know something to do like oh you hang out with this girl a lot like bring her okay so then and then and then almost homeless is still in the picture almost homeless is still in the picture okay and so then

i meet his parents and i saw his dad look at me looking at him like i was in love with him and that's when i realized i was in love with him because the way his dad was observing you yeah his dad saw me look at his son and he's like so now you're in love he in his head he's like oh this girl loves him and I was like oh my god I love him okay and he had feelings for me and I told him that I was like oh my god I have feelings for you like I like what we have but I'm still not ready for commitment and then how do you define love or being in love compared to like being excited about someone like that's a good question yeah um I've never felt like i could like being married

i thought i loved him and i probably did love him but and i imagine this future with him but i didn't see it clearly but with this guy i see a future clearly i don't know if that's crazy or what but like just new to me sure i mean what it sounds like to me is that you're kind of still figuring it out yeah by it i mean like kind of what you want for yourself for the rest of your life you know i don't like i don't know if you listen how often you listen to this podcast but we talk a lot about i try to remind my audience just how long forever is or just how long the rest of your life is right and um you know you have been divorced so you recognize that hey if it doesn't work out i can't get divorced but i'm also assuming without knowing

you too much that like that's probably what you'd prefer not to you know have multiples of divorces and or have relationships that don't work out. So it sounds to me like you're just kind of figuring things out, you know. And I guess my advice to you is try not to be so quick to label things, you know. Yeah. Well, and that's what I'm scared of is to label things. Why do you feel like you have to? I don't know.

I feel like there's a pressure to. Sure. But like, because it went from like, I'm just kind of talking to this guy and we're just friends too. I love him. Where in reality, it sounds like more, more realistic. It sounds like I wasn't sure about this guy but you know now i'm intrigued by him i'm excited about him i'm you know i'm i'm crushing on him i'm lusting him there could be all these things that you know are kind of gradual steps to

love you know and again like i'm not here to tell people what love is or what it means to you. Like when I said I loved you when I was 18, I really meant as the person I said it to just meant something different then. Right. And as we grow and get older and we experience different types of relationships, we will change our own definition for it but yeah and it's a lot like that but at the same time like he is literally everything i've wanted in someone like what like i was raised by a single dad and he always i know someone loves me by how my dad showed love like he would bring me things when i was feeling sad and this guy always brings me things when i was feeling sad. And this guy always brings me things when I'm feeling sad or goes out of his way, excuse me, out of his way to do things for me. And, and then seeing him with

how he is with his son, I was like, Oh my gosh, that's someone I want someone to be with my kids and just how he treats me, how he talks to me, how we have a great friendship involved with how we feel. It's just so cool and new. I think that's exciting to notice something in someone that we are drawn to, regardless of where it might come from. For you, it's like your dad loved you this way. You liked that about how you felt that, and I'm assuming it's nice to have that in a partner.

We all look for qualities in our partners that we've had in our parents. This is just one thing about him, too. You have a lot to get to know about this guy. I say this because it takes years to get to know people sometimes. It takes time for people to feel really comfortable with someone else, and then it time for people to feel really comfortable with someone else.

And then it's not until we feel really comfortable that we are true selves. And our true selves will show sides of us that are unbecoming. You know, we all have these flaws. Like, what's the things you don't like about them? And I don't mean like, you know, like what specific things bug you about them? And I don't mean like, you know, like what specific things bug you about him? So part of me is not entirely all attracted to him. Okay.

Well, that's not going to change, but I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about what are his bad habits that just annoy you? You're just like, oh God, really? You do that? Bad habits are kind of hard to say right now but like yeah well i kind of expect you to say that my point is you don't really know someone until you kind of know things that annoy you about them correct you know so what i'm saying to you is enjoy this guy enjoy the excitement enjoy the moment you're in you know be glad that you met a guy and be glad that, you know, even though you thought you were just going to be friends, be excited that you found someone who does this for you, but still be open minded the possibility you don't know him yet that you still, that there's a discovery process here that's going to take time. time. You already got married once at 19. If you've learned nothing from that, is that like, maybe not rush into, you know, decisions. Right. So like you, I hope that you don't have a,

like an artificial diet deadline that you've given for yourself. Like, well, I have to be married again by the time I'm 24 or anything or 25, you know, who knows when you might get married again, might be a while, you know. So just take your time. It sounds like you're just applying a lot of pressure on yourself to figure this out like tomorrow. And I'm just wondering what's going to change by you just enjoying the moment. You know, maybe I think it's totally fine to focus on this relationship, you know,

cut off almost homeless or anyone else and and be exclusive with this guy because and we've talked about this in you know past week's episodes listen if you end up being wrong so what it's a hell of a lot easier to get divorced you just be like hey i don't think we should date anymore and he'll cry and he'll be bummed but like there's no lawyers involved you know there's no exchange of money you know there's no like it's just a couple shitty days of tough conversations but then you move on yeah and that's the thing is like yesterday he was like you should break up with braxton like today and i was like i don't know how. And so I ended it. You did end it? But I was like, yeah, so I ended it last night.

And now she's texting me. Almost homeless. The guy I broke up with is texting me saying, like, I was just saying those things like i don't like we should just continue what we have because it was fun i was like why are we wasting each other's time though if like i i remember shit like one time like we sometimes are delusional when we're young and in love i i want one in my first relationship you know we had many breakups but one time she broke up with me and i was like and i was serious i like you know we'd talk still and i was like let's just start over let's go on a first date

i was legit serious i actually meant that i thought like we can just pretend and there was nothing really bad about our relationship you know what i'm saying it wasn't like you know it was young love and we fought but it wasn't like we there wasn't nothing really specific to forget but i was like all right you don't want to date me but let's just try let's just like a video game hit reset and just start over and i was being serious that's fucking delusional you know what i'm saying like but we we get in our heads about like so this guy's like you know let's just let's just have fun let's just let's just pretend there's no feelings let's just pretend that we didn't used to date and it's just nutty and like he's just saying that because he likes you and he's just kind of scrambling for reasons but i i think you need to kind of hold yourself accountable and again, not let your past

relationship, your divorce kind of dictate, dictate your decisions. You're like, why do you need to be in an open relationship right now? I mean, I'm not an open relationship expert, but I just feel like that might be something for people who are married already, or maybe been together for a while, you know, or maybe, you know, it's like to you it's not necessarily even a lifestyle choice of yours or like that's your it's more for you your choice to be in an open relationship is serving an immediate need and that immediate need is to have comfort about having someone regular in your life someone you can go to like flea markets with or like no like you can netflix and chill but you also want the freedom to keep

looking around like this is called dating so just date you know so like you can have fuck buddies and and friends with benefits right you know i i wouldn't put a label on it like i have where i'm in an open relationship now you're just dating you know but when you do like someone when you go to a dinner with someone's parents and you think to yourself, oh, my God, like I'm feeling this feeling. And it almost even feels like love. But like, I know that's nuts because I barely know anything about them. But I do want to continue to get to know them. Then you know, hey, I'm going to focus on this and then I'm going to cut these other things off.

Right. And then I'm going to see if this is really worth my time. And then maybe it will be and maybe it won't. But in the meantime, I'm going to give it every opportunity for it to succeed so i have to have tough and awkward conversations with my friends with benefits or guys i've been dating or you know and and then you prioritize that and then just don't label things don't you know um yeah because it doesn't sound like you're really in an open relationship you're just dating yeah i hear that a lot people sound like you're really in an open relationship. You're just dating. Yeah, I hear that a lot. People are like, you're not the open relationship kind of person. I'm like, stop.

Yeah. But listen, you're exploring. You're getting to know yourself. You are still young despite having been married and divorced. Like, fuck, man. It takes a lot of people a long time to really know what they want for themselves. And until they know what they want for themselves, how can they possibly find the perfect person for the rest of their life for, for them? And, uh, so just give yourself some space and some time and a long leash to figure it out.

Um, you know, enjoy, enjoy the moment in your life that you're in. So, yeah, I think that's all you should do. I think you're doing quite honestly, other than labeling things, you're, I think you're doing quite honestly other than labeling things you're things you're doing things the right way you try to end it with this other guy i would i would be tough even if you make him cry and don't listen to his like delusional you know ideas i'm like it's cool i don't care if you're in love with someone else remember we're like yeah he's gonna say that shit because he likes you and that's okay but you have to you have to be the responsible one and say no yeah all right thank you all right well best of luck

all right bye-bye how's it going hi my name is ashley nice to meet you nice to meet you how old are you i'm 24 uh How can I help? All right. So I have been a big fan of the podcast for about a year now. I'm really trying to apply what I've learned. But I'm struggling with this one. So here is some background on the situation.

So back in Halloween, I went to a friend's gathering. And I hit it off with this really cute guy but I didn't think he was into me well we ended up making out on the porch um so that was obviously like a wrong read on my part um we intended to switch numbers but I left too quickly and then I chickened out and did not add him on insta um and just kind of moved on flash forward to January and I went out with that same friend group and Halloween homeboy was there. And we hit it off. We were flirty. He kept saying like, man, you really disappeared there. So, you know, I was getting, reading that signal that he was interested.

And we ended up exchanging Instagrams and he was like, oh, just so you don't disappear again. So a couple of days later, not numbers. I was a little't disappear again. But not numbers? Not numbers. I was a little disappointed by that. But a couple days later, like, I shot my shot. And he invited me to a party. So I was like, okay, well, then maybe, like, at his place, like, we're there. And he'll ask for my number. But definitely didn't love that we didn't exchange numbers.

But my friend Gabby and I ended up going to his party. And we had a blast when we arrived. Like, you know, he was kind of floating around me, but he was also entertaining. So it was, I mean, it was a good time, but I didn't really pick up on anything extra. How old is he? The guy is 25. So he's about a year older than me. And this is like a post college.

This is like a college party. This is like just at his apartment or something yeah it's at his apartment so it was actually 70s themed um so it was like a fun time and this party was just like a random party like it's just like hey i'm throwing a 70th theme party yeah so um my friend in this friend group and so they were all like getting together what did she say about this guy so when i mean she also agreed that he's very good looking um and that he has like good personality and he's not just like a pretty face like he has good conversation um and that you know there's more up there than just what's his dating history does she know know that? Not really. So I don't know if she knows him that well. And I haven't really talked to him in that regard.

But so actually like during the get together party, there was like this influx of girls that came in and they were kind of younger, like 20, 22. And he like started paying full attention to them all night. So I kind of like got the vibe like, Oh, he's this guy who's like a player. But I had never really gotten that vibe before besides him just being like really hot. But later in the night, I was like pretty drunk. And I decided to see what would happen if we just like ended up alone. So we kind of like there was like a moment, but we got interrupted.

And so I felt kind of rejected. But I was like, no, that's just my ego. Like I told you I'm on this team. But no, really like I was upset, but then I was like, no, we didn't, he didn't reject me. It just was like a moment that passed. And then I ended up like, we exchanged numbers. I left.

And then. You did exchange numbers then? We did exchange numbers. Who asked for whose number? I asked for his number. Or no, I like gave him my number. Okay, but he didn't ask for your number. No, but once I gave him my number, like he immediately texted.

Sure. Yeah, and then like that's kind of how I am. Like my personality is kind of a planner, like take charge. Like I don't mind, but I also know there's a balance in that like when I'm being flirty or when I'm like trying to talk with guys where I need to find that balance. Um, and then once we like exchange numbers, the ice storm in Texas happened. So we weren't really like in a flirty mood because you're trying to survive. So I think the extent of our texts were

like, Hey, are you alive? Like, do you have utility? You know, so that was about it. And that's like kind of where it ended up. So I just, I would love to hear what you think about it. Like, is it worth pursuing? Should I just be more forward or let it be? Or, you know, is he just not that into me? Like, I'm not, I'm not sure. I mean, my gut tells me he's just a young guy who's, he's not a player as much as he is.

Like, he threw a party. That's fine. There's nothing wrong with that. But there's a certain person at that age who's kind of like, I want to throw a 70s theme party, right? Because they're kind of movers and shakers and they're out there hosting and they're, you know, that 25-year-old guy is not settling down anytime soon, I don't think. You know, if I'm trying to make these gut reactions based off the information you're providing me, I'm saying this person you're describing,

good-looking, charismatic, knows how to talk, likes to throw parties and entertain people, is not someone who's looking to settle down anytime soon. I don't doubt he likes you and I think you're cool. But he doesn't strike me as a guy looking for a girlfriend. Right. Honestly, that's what I expected you to tell me.

And so that's like, I wanted to write in to see if that would be something different. But yeah, I kind of got that feeling too, but sometimes like I just, I can read the situation wrong. So I don't necessarily always trust my gut, but I mean, there's nothing wrong.

There's nothing wrong with like still shooting your shot. Right. I mean, I don't know if you listen to last week's episode, right. You can, the girl who was like hanging out that one guy, I mean, the same playbook applies. You put it out what you want. You make it very clear you don't like suggest we you're just like hey you want to go like you haven't been on a date with this guy yet right no you know so like you i mean he he should be asking you on a date but like listen you could right so you could put yourself out there and see if he responds. But listen, it's not a great sign that he hasn't yet, which means, you know, best case, you're part of as guys would sometimes describe his roster.

You know, you're in the lineup. True. You know, a lot of guys that age have they like to ask their guy buddies like, so, like, how's the roster? You know, and it's like kind of girls you're actively talking to. Not necessarily sleeping with, you know, hooking up with, but, like, how's it going? And those guys, I would be shocked if that guy hasn't referred to women he's talking to as part of his roster. I have a feeling you're probably correct. So, kind of looking beyond this so just general like I had

a feeling that this is kind of where that was going but I find myself like in this situation quite a lot where I'll be like in a flirtationship with a guy it goes nowhere real and then I'll end up like in a dry period or you know something like that but so do you have like advice for how to avoid that or how to work on that not really i mean you're only 24 right so it's not like you know we got to start taking things real serious because you know someone needs to settle down sometime soon i'm generalizing but like particularly hot guys who are good at talking to women, don't settle down in the early to mid twenties. So if you keep making out with particularly attractive men who are charmers,

you're going to notice that you find yourself constantly getting these, as you call situations. And they're, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that. Go make out with your hot guys. Right. But but like and then maybe you'll find like i said it just takes one and you're only looking for one so you know and it's not it's not a you thing right it doesn't matter who she is he's just like ah nah i'm just not in that mindset but if you might you know you might get lucky, I guess.

I mean, it's not lucky. Like you certainly, you know, I don't want to, maybe lucky is the wrong word that somehow like you're the lucky one. I mean, a guy would be lucky to date you, let's be honest, right? But right now, if you're going to be shopping at a store where these guys have a certain mindset, you're going to get the same reaction. But like you're at a point in your life where you also deserve to have fun.

And, um, maybe, maybe, you know, and that's why that's like, that's sometimes why you find, uh,

women your age dating sometimes older guys, because they get that, that really particularly good looking guy. Who's a little, who's over it. Who's not like, he doesn't want to throw parties anymore and and have a bunch of people in and he's not worried about his roster you know he's

actually like you know what i had some fun and i'd like to meet a nice person and and have some consistency and date and see where it goes you know but yeah so maybe, maybe age up a little bit, you know. Okay. But also keep doing what you're doing if you're fine with it. Okay. Yeah. And that's, I mean, it's reassuring to hear and kind of, again, you know, it's like I'm only 24 and, but also like the type of guys I'm going after, I'm getting the same results. So that's a really good point there too.

Yeah. There's exceptions to every rule and I'm definitely generalizing. But, you. So that's a really good point there too. Yeah, there's exceptions to every rule and I'm definitely generalizing. But, you know, there's a, yeah, it's a safe bet that there's a good chance. And again, you might find a particularly good looking guy who's just more introverted and just kind of, he was definitely a relationship guy.

There's plenty of those. But this is the guy who's throwing parties and theme parties. Like that guy's not settling down anytime soon. No, that's yeah. That's a very good point. And then what about the point kind of like where I find myself, I don't mind taking charge and making plans, but like how, how do I find that balance where, you know, that if he would, if he, or if he wanted to, he would like that thing kind of thing. Well, like you said, a lot of that is an ego thing. So if you're like, if it doesn't bother me, like there are some women are just like, listen, I don't like taking that first move.

I don't want to ask out a guy that not the first time. I mean, like, listen, I'll take charge, but I like to feel that like sense of being pursued, right? If it's not as important to you, then ask them out again. and then become an ego thing because like every time you put yourself out there you there's a chance you get rejected rejected and that could you know it affects anyone right so you just have to decide for yourself like what level how much you're willing to risk in the moment it's not a big risk but like if it doesn't bother you go for it like who gives a shit okay cool yeah it really doesn't bother me but i feel like we just have these expectations like oh like that don't do that you know like i just start fucking

gossiping myself and based on what my friends tell me i'm like oh i don't really mind but even if he says yes to a debt just be careful that you're you're kind of you know like i don't think he's a player and he certainly has a chance to be a fuck boy right because that's definitely that's the priorities he wants and then like you know you you if you you go on a date and he might really like you and and and you might be exactly the type of woman he plans on marrying in seven years but you know that's and so like that's where we get ourselves in situations and that wouldn't be your like that's where a lot of people in that position will make the mistake because they don't have either the moral compass or integrity or the maturity to not have their cake and eat it too right where then they keep you know they're like well let's work it's she's

cool and i want to hang out with her and like yeah i'm not ready for a relationship but we can still have sex and like and then that's where you get in these situations that get complicated. And then you start developing feelings because he's acting like your boyfriend, but not doesn't want to be your boy, you know, shit like that. So go on the date, but be careful that you are,

you know, kind of trying to trap a fuck boy right now. And not necessarily someone who's looking for a relationship. That's exactly. I feel like that's, that's what it is. Like I'm trying to trap a fuck boy, but I, I don't know. I like that. I don't know if that's what I want or if that's a good

idea, but at least be aware of it. That's a really good point. Yeah. Go, go on a date and see where it goes. It's just good to know like what you're, the situation you're getting yourself into and let him prove to you that he's not, but that's true. Yeah. Yeah. it's my downfall is he looks like Harry Styles so you know well I mean hey go make out with that guy you know yes that's why I was like okay let's go let's do this but no this is all like very helpful and just yeah honestly it like reassures me that I what I'm doing is okay and that it's not like weird or I'm not this crazy person for not caring about texting him first or doing, for doing this. Like it just makes me feel better that that's okay.

The only thing you don't want to be is delusional and you're not right. Right. So you seem aware of what the situations you're getting yourself into. And I think that's great. Cool. Well, I appreciate it. Get your own roster girl, you know? Yes, I know. That's what I'm that's great. Cool. Well, I appreciate it. Get your own roster, girl, you know?

Yes, I know. That's what I'm finally living on my own. Like, let's go. You can talk to three or four guys at the same time, you know, be like, I don't know, here we got Harry Styles lookalike over here and we got this guy over here and, you know, keep it casual. I like it. That's, yeah, I appreciate that.

All right. And that's a good idea well thank you nick i appreciate it good luck best of luck you'll be great thank you all right take care what a great episode wow we crushed you guys great job team feel really good about that go us uh well again seriously hope you enjoyed it don't forget to send your questions at ask nick at cast me.com cast with a k do Do not forget to tune back into the Vile Files for breaking down the finale and the AFR with Zuri Hall and our interview with Brie, wonderful Brie, a fan favorite Brie, to talk about her experience on the show,

where she is now. Is she working? Did she get her job back? Does she have a new job? So many questions to ask Brie. We can't wait to have her. So be sure to check that out. Bye.