The Viall Files - E251 Ask Nick - You Don’t Need A Disclaimer On Your Dating Profile

Episode Date: March 22, 2021

We are back with another episode of Ask Nick. On today's show we begin with a woman whose friend's boyfriend keeps making advances in her direction and she doesn’t know how to stop it. Our next caller took a break from sex after getting sober and realizing she was unable to have unattached sex. After getting a divorce and leaving a toxic relationship, we speak with someone who is trying to get back in the dating scene  and trying to figure out if it is her ego or her insecurities are holding her back when she should be trusting her gut and letting herself be a little selfish. Lastly, we talk to someone who is seeing people she knows on dating apps after moving back to her hometown and is wondering if they are not matching on the app should she DM them or do they just not like her.  “I don’t feel like I am in the business of blindsiding anyone.” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  For merch please visit www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Blenders Eyewear: http://www.blenderseyewear.com enter promo code VIALLVIP for 15% off.  Noom: http://www.noom.com/VIALL to sign up for your free trial.  MVMT: http://www.mvmt.com/VIALL to get 15% off today with free shipping and free returns.  Function Of Beauty: http://www.functionofbeauty.com/VIALL to take your quiz and save 20% on your first order. Storyworthy: http://www.storyworth.com/VIALL You’ll get $10 off your first purchase! Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Yeah, this is the Vile Files. I was just fucking with you. Welcome to another episode of the Vile Files files i know i decided to mix it up there uh i'm nick my name is nick i give relationship advice and we do a bunch of fun stuff on the show uh chrissy is my producer hi chrissy how are you well confused now after that opening freaks me out when we go yeah don't turn us off this is this is an ass nick episode episode. We also have Allie and Amanda in studio with us. That's it. There's just two strangers.

We don't really know if we're just people. I hope you've been enjoying our Instagram and content because these ladies are a big reason why. So give them a follow. Go check it out. We're just... Allie's really bad because now that she's been putting a bunch of great content on the instagram and then when like e-news reposts the same thing

or betches.com ali is pretty sure that they're stealing it from us i don't know so because we're funny it starts here first people we're the trendsetters yeah okay yeah so i don't know i don't know i don't know i think i think we're doing great things anyway um we have a great episode for you uh also on wednesday we have a fantastic episode about cults oh that's right cults you say are you fascinated by cults so am i if you ever watch the the show the vow the documentary about the sex cult nexium uh we have two of its former members sarah and nippy her husband who were on the documentary who were part of nexium who uh who were branded uh on their uh well sarah was branded next to her yeah uh her girl parts vagina felt weird to say

they're with us on Wednesday to talk about cults what it's like to be in a cult how to avoid being a cult and just a whole you know that whole thing it was wild talking to him it was it was so be sure to check that out on Wednesday and

I think we've talked enough we can't thank you enough for for posting in your instagram stories and and on tiktoks honestly i think we need to create some like podcast drama on our show so that people like will like tiktok about us and give them some conspiracy can we start a conspiracy theory about you chrissy oh sure what do you want it to be i just get all these like tiktok conspiracy theories be like, I think Chrissy blah, blah, blah or something. I don't know.

Like it's half bison. Your words, not mine. Well, I'm trying to think of something Montana-y. Let's create some drama. I could be half bison here. I could be half bison. But yeah, thank you guys for supporting our show. Someone told me we're

the 58th best podcast in the world which I didn't know by Chartable I don't know good for us that's because of you guys for supporting us should we get to the questions great

let's ask Nick your sexy question how's it going Should we get to the questions? Great. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name's Erica.

I'm 29. Hi, Erica. How can I help? So I have this really weird dynamic with my high school friend and her boyfriend. I'll try to make this short. I became friends with him pretty recently around August. Really through her encouragement, we're friends of the same sports team and she encouraged us to watch games together. So we became friends.

And then around September, this pretty uncomfortable dynamic started developing. They've been dating for like eight years and they're just in the past year, like pretty unhappy in their relationship. And I felt like I'd become this kind of like escape, if you will, or middleman. And I really just did not like that dynamic at all. So I decided at the time that I was just going to take some space from the both of them. Just told them I was busy,

didn't hang out with them. Just kind of did my own thing. One question I have, you referred to her as your high school friend. And then you also mentioned that she's been dating him for eight years. Have you been friends with her since high school? Or you just recently reconnected with her? So I've been friends with her since high school, but I am very recently like reconnecting with her. We moved back to the same city. And in the past couple of years, I've been reconnecting with her. Gotcha. But you haven't.

Yeah. So, but you, you clearly haven't been that close. Cause otherwise you probably would have known this guy for a while. Cause she's been dating him for eight years. Right. Yeah. There was definitely a gap in college when they were dating and post college before we spent some time in the same city cool um yeah i that's that's probably very relevant so

i appreciate that um yeah so i took some time from just some space from both of them um and then during that time he continued to text me like at least once a week to get together i didn't really think anything of that because it's usually just around sports and all of that. But then, so that was September and then fast forward to December. It had been a while and there was a big game on and he asked if I wanted to watch it at a bar and frankly I did. So I said yes and went went to the bar I had a couple beers and he got absolutely just hammered to the point where I had to like put him in a car and get him back to his apartment and yeah so then in the car ride he he got like a little touchy and to be honest like

I felt there was just like some natural chemistry there and i kind of at that moment like accepted what my other friends had been telling me that it was possible he might have a crush on me and i kind of have to be clear too like for the record it it freaked me out because i knew when i felt that there was just like natural chemistry there that maybe it went both ways and that freaked me out to like the nth degree he got touchy but you didn't necessarily hate it whether you felt guilty or not correct that's kind of what i meant by like natural chemistry but yeah it it wasn't like you're like what the fuck are you doing you're like fuck why don't you didn't want to like it but you did correct okay yeah absolutely

um yeah and that that freaked me out like really freaked me out sufficiently because sure you know for the record i would never act on anything like that and my friendship with my high school friend who i'd been like reconnecting with is my first priority and always will be okay um so after that, I just, I knew I couldn't really hang out with him one-on-one anymore. Didn't want to hang out with him as a couple, obviously, because that was an uncomfortable dynamic. So I really just kind of wanted it all to stop and just to be friends with my

friend from high school and that's it. So basically since then I've been ignoring all of his texts. He's still consistently been texting me on a regular basis whether it's to hang out or just random nonsense text did you ever address with him that moment no okay never that's actually part of my question because I mean since then I've been able to hang out with her one-on-one and get dinner just one-on-one and kind of ignore the rest of it but um yeah my I mean my original question was going to be like how do I handle this do I have a conversation with him do I have a conversation with her like with both of them what does that look like but um also to be honest like I am having

no problem just not being friends with him and not being friends with them as a couple and just hanging out with my friend. And it would be easy if he would just stop texting me, to be totally frank. So I think that my original question of how do I handle this is still there, but also it's kind of evolved into just how do I get him to not, to stop doing that. Yeah, this is tough. Yeah. There is no, from where I, from what I'm hearing, sometimes there's no clear like, oh, no big deal. Just do this.

Everything will be fine. Like this is a sticky situation and there, it won't, it's not, it doesn't seem like it's going to get resolved without some level of discomfort and and and some level of upsetting someone and then having to work through it and get over it right um absolutely because i don't see how that's possible right yeah but right now you're not doing anything and that's not an option either. Hoping this will all go away clearly hasn't worked either. Yeah, I would say absolutely. I've been trying to avoid like putting my big girl pants on

and like having a conversation. And I'm thinking out loud here to myself, like what would be better? Do you tell like, you know, it's good that you know who the priority is, right? Because at first I didn't know what direction this was going. And I was like, hey, I don't know. Like, you know, is it great?

I understand you could feel like maybe the relationship started under like kind of questionable situation. And I'm not an advocate for cheating. But like, hey, I, you know, if you told me, it's like, listen, I love the guy and I didn't want this, but like, we have feelings, I would say, all right, well, you need to do it the right way. And that might mean losing a friend, you know, and that's a possibility, but you, it seems like you understand that you, that your priority is your friend. So that's great that you know where your priorities lie. Cause that's step one. Cause some people don't even know that much. It was like, I don't know. I don't know. She's kind of cool, but I really like them. So like, you know where your priorities lie. I think that's great. And I think you should be happy

that you know that because you could be really confused if you don't. Cause that would be, if you didn't know, I'd be like, you need to figure that out first. Yeah. So since you do know, you know, like you haven't addressed it to him. So like if he was super drunk, does he remember doing that? Uh, do you know if he does you haven't addressed it to him so like if he was super drunk does he remember doing that uh do you know if he does or not is it possible he might not even remember yeah that was actually a question i was thinking about yesterday i hadn't considered it until then where i was like i i honestly don't know if he even remembers that yeah because like in one scenario you could go to him and say listen eric whatever you know his name is uh mike we'll call him mike yeah we'll call him mike

his name's not mike right no his name's not mike okay anyway so you're just like hey i know i've been avoiding you here's why no hard feelings but i just you know but to do that you almost have to acknowledge to him that like he's not crazy and i'm not accusing you of of like i mean yeah you might be a shitty boyfriend but that's between you and your girlfriend but like you're not crazy because like yeah i feel it too but at the same time my priority is with our mutual friend and I just don't think we can continue this friendship because of this unspoken connection right and then depending I don't know I don't know how we would handle that maybe he could get defensive I don't know but if you do say that to

him it's putting it out there it's acknowledging it and then how do you say that to him without not saying it to her and i don't know who this friend is but it would it's going to take a super mature friend to not to be like thanks for telling me you know let's let's just pick up from where we let's dinner tomorrow you're like that's it's a. You know, it's a big ask because you're a threat in a way. And then she's got to deal with a lot of shit here. Shavings make a pile. That's right. You know what we're talking about.

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Just even less of a chance for her to be able to receive that in a good way and you basically outlined why i've like you said just kind of let it be and done nothing but ignore and hope it goes away i'm thinking a lot here i don't think it's important information as far as they they are concerned either of them to know that you felt a little something too you don't think it's important for them to know that i really don't like okay that's great to hear because that's where you're like you felt it we have feelings you know i've said this before like there's hot people in the world we can't help how we like oh wow that's love to see them naked you know like i don't know but you don't right you stop short of indulging all these thoughts and feelings we have

as humans you know whether we have a dream or we see it like that's how you felt fine but you didn't do anything about it you didn't go there you felt something it fucked you up a little bit but you you did the right thing by cutting him off right so like is it do they really need to know what like like what your subconscious felt or what you felt in the moment i don't think so because you don't want to do anything about it so i don't think they need to know because what are they going to do with that information it's just going to fuck everything up right right so absolutely if you address it with him no it's like because you're like i'm guessing you feel like this almost like you don't want to you guys you can you can and i'm not saying shame him but either way regardless if you liked it or

not he had as a girlfriend and as a boyfriend in a committed relationship, that was fucked up. Doesn't matter whether you liked it or not. You know what I'm saying? Like, yeah, maybe he's not a creep who's like making moves on women who don't want to make moves. Like if you two were single, then like, yeah, he was picking up on the vibes that you were giving him. But regardless, he's in a committed relationship. Right. So that was the fucked up part right we're

not this is not about of like why are you making like i didn't why are you trying to kiss me you know like you know why he tried to kiss you because you know that but um so he's still guilty of the crime of being an unfaithful boyfriend yeah i also want to say for the record there was no kissing involved here either yeah but i'm just saying whatever it was okay whatever that thing that happened that made you feel like okay we've crossed a line right like so you could still bring that up by saying listen i don't we're cool in the sense that like you didn't make me feel uncomfortable and i didn't feel unsafe but like you have a girlfriend and knowing that that happened i we can't be friends anymore and you know or or like we just i don't feel comfortable hanging out with you alone

um i don't know how much you trust this guy. There's a risk by not telling your friend because if he goes and tells her... Yeah, that's been my fear when I was kind of trying to play out each scenario. This felt like easiest address just to him. But if my friend found out that I had had a conversation about this or about something with him almost behind her back.

Like that's the end of it right there too. It's a tough situation. I guess here's what I think you should do. And I don't know if it's going to work out. It really just depends. But I think you just tell both of them. If your friend is the priority, then you're going to have to tell her. You just do.

She needs to hear it from you, right? Because it's going to affect how much she trusts you. If she hears it from anyone else, but you, yeah, she needs to hear it from you. I think it would be fair to him. And I'm not saying he deserves it because he ultimately is the one who did

something he shouldn't do. But if you want it to be super fair to everyone, I would let him know that you're going to tell her yeah i i would have no problem doing that i don't feel like i'm in the business of blindsiding anybody and yeah what's telling him wouldn't affect if i told her or not it would just be a simple i'm giving you a heads up and this is what I'm doing. My, I, to ask you a question again, I mean, my, my concern about that is they're, they're already on the rocks and I feel like that's me inserting myself in

their relationship as like the final straw basically is essentially the reason they're breaking up, which I know is obviously not the reason. Let's say that they did break up after that, which I don't see how they wouldn't, but let's say that they did. The narrative of that is that I'm the reason that they broke up. Not much you can do about that. I guess it's my ego. Yeah, there's not much I could do about that, huh?

I mean, you don't, you know, it's like, this will be a telling situation on the strength of both of these relationships you have, particularly this friendship. It will hurt her. It will sting. Her ego will be affected. But what you're telling me makes sense, and I'm assuming it makes sense to everyone listening, right? telling me makes sense and i'm assuming it makes sense to everyone listening right um and hopefully she can understand that right because you really try to do the right thing here again i just don't think you need to like mention like by the way like if we

if you weren't dating i told him i've had sex with him but you weren't like you know you know he she doesn't need to know that and um because it really doesn't matter um if he felt something from you he had the girlfriend he shouldn't have done anything about it case closed right yeah um and yeah so i think you i think you definitely should tell her if she's your priority for sure yeah and i don't know how she's gonna handle it but like yeah if she loses her shit and gets mad at you then you know i don't know like that's not someone how do you be friends with that person you're gonna have to get every relationship friendship romantic is gonna get through some

like tough situations and some discomfort and misunderstandings and miscommunications and some ego driven events and things like that and but it sounds like you did the right thing and you're in a tough awkward situation and the hope is she's going to get mad she'll probably break up with them and maybe she should i mean it sounds like she should like this is if they've been together for eight years and they're having all these hard situations the number one reason why they're together right now is because they've been together for so long and they're just afraid to let go and yeah this she in in in those situations, and I've been there, you need a catalyst. You need something that makes you go, I'm done.

Because it's so hard to let those situations go. And like you said, you're just kind of annoyed that you don't want to be that thing. But there's not much you can do. Yeah, I understand. I appreciate it. Yeah, as much as that was not the advice I was hoping you would say because it means I have a hard conversation or two to have, that makes sense.

It's just something that I need to do and accept the outcome of. Now that I've thought this through, telling him is an option, but telling her is a priority. Because if she's the priority for you to keep this relationship, then you want to make sure that you keep the trust in this relationship. And she needs to hear it from you

because hearing it from someone else just feels... It's hard to be like, well, you should have told me if I heard it, you know, I would have a hard time trusting someone if I heard some, I would, I would need to hear it from you. Yeah. So it's, and it's hearing essentially like, Hey, your boyfriend got kind of handsy with me or is it, Hey, I don't want to hang out with your boyfriend anymore one-on-one i don't think it goes something like this hey something i tell you uh i've been struggling with this because i you know i just feel like in a tough situation and i love you and you're my priority

you say that first you know you always let him know like you're my priority this is what happened i was hanging out with mike he got super drunk he got a little handsy nothing happened but like i feel uncomfortable i don't even know if he remembers this i've been avoiding hanging out with him but like i don't but i just had to tell you because it's just hanging over my head and and i thought you should know and i and and if you decide not to tell him i think you let her know like i haven't even talked to him about it for all i know he doesn't remember and i didn't know what to say because it just you know i don't know but it's been eating me up and i want you to know and again he was super fucked up. Maybe he didn't realize,

but either way, I don't, you know, I don't want you to wonder why I'm not, why I'm ignoring him. Cause I am. Right. Because I didn't know what to say.

And, but you should know. There's a good chance. She's going to get mad at you. Yeah. I'm, I'm okay with that. I can handle that.

Um, and, and you're right. Like at the end of the day either the friendship's gonna make it or it's not and her being mad at me at the beginning doesn't also mean that she'll forever stay mad at me and and it just it is what it is um yeah i mean the more you say that the more i objectively think that you're very right, that I just need to go to her. I think you lead with saying, my friendship with you matters so much to me. This is a huge priority in my life. Say that first. I understand if you're mad. I want you to hear it from me.

Say those things and reinforce that so she hears that, so that when she does get mad at you, like she's still hearing from someone who's making her a priority and, and in trust with, with you as a priority so that, that, you know, and yeah, I don't know, maybe just tell, maybe just go to her because as much as trying to make everyone happy he did fuck up right so like yeah if you tell him and then her yeah if if my priority is my friendship then i just need to tell her and let her know yeah i guess the reality is like if i guess if my friend had told me that like her friend's boyfriend had gotten touchy with her i i would have immediately said like

you need to go tell your friend so yeah fuck it i think you just tell her first he yeah yeah all right you know alcohol or not he still did something wrong and it sucks and you don't want to throw him under the bus and he maybe he would feel really bad but either way, he shouldn't have done it. And you're not trying to punish him, but you're in the middle of something, and you need to do the right thing. All right. I'm glad we figured this out. At least we have a plan.

Yeah, I appreciate it. It's still a tough situation, but I think there is light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak. And I do think it's important that you say those things to her when you tell her that she is a priority, that you wanted to hear it from her. You've been struggling with this. If she's like, well, why didn't you tell me right away? Just be like, I know like i you know i wanted like i didn't you know

i i thought maybe he was just drunk and he would forget about it but the more i thought about it i felt uncomfortable and part of it is because he keeps reaching out and i've been ignoring him um and i think that will make her feel good in a sense because that shows that you were loyal to her and you just didn't know what to do and maybe you think you're right i should have told you right away but i just i felt like i was stuck in a very awkward position yeah i was gonna say also the reality is that i was not in a very comfortable position with it and maybe i should have said something earlier but at least i'm saying something now. The only part you're leaving out, which kind of sucks is like,

I felt guilt because I wanted to bone them too. But she doesn't need to know that. Yeah. The whole truth isn't always something that we need to share. Yeah. I think that's okay. Okay.

All right. Well, I appreciate it. Godspeed. Thank you. Thanks so much. I'm really curious how this works out if you want to let us know. I'll email you. I'll let you know how it works out. All right. Soundsspeed. Thank you. Thanks so much. I'm really curious how this works out if you want to let us know. I'll email you.

I'll let you know how it works out. All right. Sounds good. All right. Thank you both. Yeah. Bye-bye. Bye.

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How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name is Peyton. I'm 24. Hi, Peyton.

How can I help? So I sent in an email a couple weeks ago to Chrissy. I've been kind of hesitant. I wanted to, and then I thought about it, and then I didn't, and so I did. And it's kind of all around like waiting around sex. Like I took a break. I, when I was, okay, it was about five years ago. I, it was the legal age of drinking here is 18.

So it was, I went hard and like, you know, you realize you're legal and you can do whatever. So I realized it was just too much for me. And I was having a lot of one night stands and I couldn't do it if I was sober because. For me, I guess I'm a lot like Tanya Rad in the way that she knew that she couldn't be do like unattached sex. So that's kind of why I stopped and then on top of that like not drinking so now I've been five years sober and I'm kind of ready to start dating again but I'm just not sure like I want a guy's perspective on if I should tell the guy that that's that's what I've

been waiting and I'm kind of waiting for the right person to come along. Are you trying to get engaged or married before you have sex again? No. No. Okay. So like normal committed relationship. Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

I, no, I don't think you need to like have a disclaimer in your dating profile or on the first date be like, oh, there's something I need to tell you. Like, your dating profile or on the first day be like oh there's something i need to tell you like yeah listen you went hard to the paint when you're 18 you drank and it got sounds like just a little excessive to the port where you felt like you were putting yourself and and um you know potentially toxic and vulnerable situations. And you had the maturity to say, you know what? This isn't a path to success. I want to slow down. You decided to stop drinking, you know?

Yeah. Great. You don't drink anymore. Okay. There's a lot of people who don't drink. None of this is like abnormal. I guess, you know, good for you for doing this. And so there's a lot of people who are 24 who might still be virgins

or might have always, like maybe they've slept with one or two, maybe the only person they have slept with is their serious boyfriend or girlfriend that they started dating at 17, 18 or 19 and then they dated for a couple of years and then they broke up and they've been pretty much single, right?

So like there's a lot of people in your position, right? 24 young want to get back out and dating uh you took an active break from sex i think that was really healthy and good for you right because you just felt like uh you almost had to like press the reset button so now that you go back out and dating i don't think you need to look at yourself or have other people look at you like you're there's something wrong with you or you're abnormal like you're you're very normal i to me it sounds like right and if you wanted to wait and even if you wanted to wait till like you have to have sex before marriage it's very much still be normal but that is that is less common these days right socially like it's fine there's plenty of people who are waiting, but the average person, you go out to the bar, people are actively engaging in sexual relations on some level,

like in a committed relationship. So for you, like you start dating a guy and just take things slow. And then eventually you might have conversations and be like, listen, I, you know, first, second base, I don't know whatever you want to do, but like upfront expectations in dating are always important, especially when you start getting physical, letting each other know like what is off limits and what is an option, you know, depending on how the relationship progresses. And you're just looking to be in a committed relationship. you're just looking to be in a committed relationship yeah and i guess i guess i find that like the guys i have met um the conversation like sometimes like it goes to like oh when was the last time you had sex and it and then it's kind of awkward and i'm just i don't want to guys are asking you that yeah yeah i've been asked that like oh when was the first date like before you even meet yeah even like just talking on whatever you like start

to yes if a guy that you've never met yeah or on a first date asked you when the last time you have sex is he's a best case scenario too immature to be okay someone you consider a boyfriend yeah like i guess so yeah like if if you happen to be in a conversation that is about sex right and this is a mutually uh this is a topic that you are in you know what i'm saying there might be situations where but in a dating situation we're like on a dating app he's like someone's last time he fucked or when last time he had sex like that guy's a child yeah like it's a weird question it's an inappropriate question like i've literally never asked that question to a woman in my life when was the last time you've had sex no it's totally in fuck them i don't think i've ever asked that question to anyone ever

yeah it's like none of their business but you know it just puts me like in an awkward position and then just, yeah. So I kind of just wanted to see from a guy's perspective if that is something you would want to know or if it's something that's just like whatever. I mean, as I've gotten older, I care less and less about that stuff. Yeah.

I honestly don't think even when I started dating someone, I was like like so when was the last time you slept with someone you know eventually you might have the you know past relationships discussion and you know i you always just assume well if you dated someone you probably had sex with love and okay you know yeah um but yeah i think if guys are trying to like they're that's a that's just a sign that that's clearly what that guy's telling you is i just want to have sex how much work do i have to put into this before we'll have sex well that's good to know i guess i think i needed to hear that so if a guy asks that question and you've only talked to a dating app or it's a first date, feel free to just not respond and end that interaction immediately.

Like it's not even worth your time trying to explain to him. I mean, if you want to like be like if you want to go out of your way and say, hey, for future women, like that's as highly inappropriate. He's going to get defensive. Like that's not your job or your responsibility if you want to great but like for your sake i think you can just move on and try to find someone who's more mature and and not asking questions like that okay yeah well that's great yeah thank you and then in the few you know if you meet a guy and and you start dating and just set upfront expectations about what's on the table physically, you know, Hey,

listen, I'm like, I just want to get to know someone. I want to be in a relationship. I want to define the relationship to some degree. And, you know, you're going to like everyone else in that space,

you're going to deal with, you know, the guys who are like, you know, the fuck boys or the players, so to speak. And the guys who even like, you know,

and you're going to get disappointed. You're're gonna end up sleeping with a guy yeah at some point and he's gonna be like hey this isn't working out for me and that's okay right because your intentions were to meet someone and wait to be intimate until you felt some sort of connection yeah and and that might you might be dating someone for a month and you feel okay sleeping with him at that point. And that's fine. And then it doesn't work out. That's okay. That's a, that's normal.

And that happens. And there's ups and downs of dating. You're, you're learning from your experience of, for whatever reason in your youth, you were like, I'm 18. I can drink now. Also, like, I guess it's just start fucking and I'm going to get drunk. And I guess this is what I should do to get guys like me. I don't know. And you realize that's not what you needed to do and it's not healthy.

This is a far more healthier approach and I don't think you need to label yourself as anything other than just a normal young woman out there trying to find a guy who's worth her time. Okay thank you very much that i i needed to hear that i guess just validation that i like those guys aren't aren't the good guys yeah i mean you know i'm not saying they're bad guys but they're definitely immature and they definitely have some growing up to do and they definitely only are really interested in having sex yeah maybe not the one not the ones i want to be with. Correct. They're not in a situation, they're not

looking for a committed relationship. No. At all. Yeah. Okay. Alright. Good to know. Alright. Best of luck. Thank you so much. Alright, take care. You too. Bye-bye. Bye. How's it going?

Hi, I'm Hope and I'm 32. Hi, Hope. How can I going? Hi, I'm Hope and I'm 32. Hi, Hope. How can I help? So I guess my story starts from my previous marriage that I left. It was very toxic for about 10 years. And he was emotionally abusive and verbally abusive in front of my daughter all the time. And it just got to the point where I just couldn't do it anymore. Our sexual relationship was gone.

We had like no sex for four years. And it just hurt a lot to be in that relationship. So I finally left. it just hurt a lot to be in that relationship so I finally left and for the past I mean it's May of 2019 is when I finally left so it's been like what like almost two years now and it took me like a year to finally start to like date again and like feel like I could get to that next step of doing that. During that time, my dad did pass away like three months after I left my husband, my ex. So there was just a lot going on. And then I just put a lot of effort into myself by like losing weight and just getting fit for myself and feeling better

about myself. So I feel like physically I'm better now now but mentally i'm still like having a hard time moving on from that previous relationship what's up what do you feel like you're struggling with the most have you uh seen any therapy have you done therapy from it before yeah yeah and i like he the past like we've tried we tried doing therapy and like he's i mean the therapist like i talked to him afterward and i was like he doesn't want to do therapy anymore he's like i'm pretty sure he's a narcissist no i mean like since you left your husband yeah have you done therapy just for you i have yeah so i've done therapy because of the narcissistic tendencies that happen in a relationship and i'm like i just i've had a lot of the narcissistic tendencies that happen in a relationship. And I'm like,

I just, I've had a lot of issues from that, but yes, I have done therapy since then to try and like help myself. Um, and I feel like it's helping, but then I just revert back. And what,

what do you mean? Uh, I don't know. I just like, I constantly remind myself like in like the current relationships that i have like okay you need to stop thinking about the previous relationship and you need to move forward like not everybody's this guy that you're with for 10 years and but then i just i revert back and i start thinking that all these guys that i've talked

to are going to treat me the same you know okay so that's where my issue is right now is that I started dating I went on the dating apps and like August of last year I went out with like a few guys and I started up with like a friends with benefits thing cuz I just didn't really want a relationship at that point okay yeah and we did that for like a few months. And then I kind of, I caught feelings, obviously that just always happens at some point. And then, but I, I cut it off. I was just like, you know, I know that this isn't what you want past this. And I don't really want to like mess with myself, you know? So I cut that off. How did that make you feel?

Like, was it empowering? Oh, like shit. Well, I mean, it was empowering because I cut that off. How did that make you feel? Like, was it empowering? Oh, like shit. Well, I mean, it was empowering because I knew that I needed to cut it off for myself, but like, but then he didn't, you know,

it wasn't like, oh, well, you know, I want something with you. It was okay. Well, you know,

well, that's, that's this, your ego being like, that is my ego. Like you're trying to trick him. Cause what you did was you felt you you sense where it was going you you you know you you were married to a guy for a decade who you did all this toxic shit right and and it did it for a long time and it sounds like in that relationship you you, you know, you let it happen.

And I'm not trying to blame you, but like, it sounds like you knew it for a while and tried to, you know, for a lot of reasons why he was your husband, you had a family, you had a daughter, like there's a lot of reasons why people try to like salvage something because, you know, you're married, you know, you're, you plan it at being the rest of your life. And so now you're dating someone and you, you sensed where it being the rest of your life and so now you're dating someone and you you sensed where it wasn't going and you did something about it much sooner than you might have in the past when you were younger i think that's something to feel proud about you know in terms of and you you know granted again your ego wanted him to be like oh my god no hope oh my god i can't i

can't live without you you That would have been great. Don't get me wrong. I mean, yeah. That would have been awesome. But I think you need to try to find these kind of nice moments to really pat yourself on the back and be like, you know what? A different me would have done something different. And I would have been in this kind of hookup situation

that wasn't necessarily toxic in the beginning and it could have become toxic because I wouldn't have listened to my gut and I wouldn't have listened to what I needed and I would have listened to my ego and I would have kept staying in and hope that it would turn around but you didn't do that and I think that's really important that's progress that's yeah you know no I mean you've actually been a huge help even though like just listening to like your podcast and you know the ass nick and it's that i probably would have done that yeah but but that's what i'm saying it's like so now you are in this d in that you're you're you're single right and so out and it's and dating is hard and it's scary and you're like you have

this and you're it sounds like you're basically what you're saying is your overall fear is like you have some trust issues with men in general because of what this man did to you right yeah and i think you can look at what you did in your last relationship is kind of like a feather in your cap of a token is like you know what i i don't have to trust them as much as i have to trust myself and i can trust myself because i knew that this wasn't good for me and as much much as I wanted something different, I was able to say goodbye to it. And I put it out there. He didn't give me what I wanted that would make me want to continue dating him. And so I left.

And that's great, right? Because you have to trust yourself first. You have to be able to know what you want. You have to be able to listen to your gut because we often don't. and it's by not listening to our gut that we get ourselves in these vulnerable situations you know like yeah it's like you know we've other episodes you talked about you know certain things where you're just like sometimes we we get conned right we feel you'd be conned out of money or our time whatever whatever and we feel used and abused and vulnerable and it's just like and then the next opportunity you have to like say invest in something you're like

well what if this person's lying to me right yeah so you you just get better again reading those red flags and i think that's just really important for you to focus on because you know you don't want to get to a point where you're not dating because you can't trust anyone and so i think you should feel really good that you did that because dating is going like you said it's going to be hard you're going to go on dates and you will have moments you're going to be disappointed sometimes and not because they're your toxic ex-narcissistic ex-husband, but just because you might like somebody who doesn't like you back and vice versa, you know? And that's just a bummer and disappointing and you're going to be

sad sometimes. And then maybe in a different situation, you're going to have to be like, hey, you're really nice, but I don't like you, you know? And you're going to make him cry, right? So, and that sucks. Well, that's kind of where I'm at. That's kind of where I'm at right now, because since the friends with benefits in like december i started talking to a guy on tinder and um we've been hanging out since then and we're like dating we're not exclusive yet i mean he said something like well i'm not dating anybody but i haven't responded and said like well i'm not you know i just kind of i don't know the conversation just moves on from there and i haven't really like given him that exclusivity yet um and it's partly like he's a super nice guy

very sweet caring like the total you know the guy that you would want but our sexual chemistry is just kind of just not there and i don't know and i'm afraid i'm afraid of that because of my last relationship not having sex for four years i mean we literally like had no sexual chemistry like nothing at the end like it was just two roommates and that's it and i'm terrified that and if in the beginning we're not there together are we gonna ever have that well i don't know again like i mean we can't tell the future yeah but and i'm again i'm not a psychologist or a therapist yeah um so disclaimer there but yes from what you're telling me my like did you ever have your your ex-husband when you first met him how was the sexual chemistry

i mean it was good in the beginning yeah and for like yeah for like six months and then it stopped because he just was mean right i don't know like yeah i've been super like i've i've had girlfriends were like oh my god so hot and then they were just fucking mean to me and i be like, they're like, why don't you ever want to have sex anymore? I'm like, you constantly yell at me and belittle me and emasculate me. It's just like, I fucking hate you. Yeah, exactly. I don't care what you look like naked. You're fucking mean, you know?

And so I guess what I'm saying is you try to separate this past relationship that you got out of. Yeah. I just need to separate it. Yeah, it's not a precursor. It's not going to predict everything in these future relationships. That being said, like,

if you're just not into this guy physically, then... I mean, physically, like, he's beautiful. I mean, like, he's, like, very beautiful i mean like he's like very healthy like he's fit like so where do you where the where do you think the lack of sexual chemistry comes from well so his previous relationship he's talked about like not like kind of in the same situation like his ex was not very good to him and they didn't have sex very much. And he just, I think he's a little bit insecure in that way. So I understand that totally, you know,

and I... But you are physically attracted to him? Yeah. Like he's, you know, he's... Have you guys hooked up yet? Have you had sex? Yeah. So we've had sex four times now. I mean, we don't have, we don't really have a lot of time because he can't get down here during the week he lives kind of like a little bit like 45 minutes away and on the weekends i have my daughter usually so the weeks that i don't we can so when you say lack of physical chemistry do you feel like it's what i'm hearing is you just think like together you got it's just not hot and spicy you're not necessarily even blaming him it's just like you're not feeling oh yeah you're not you're bad at sex it's just like do like are you actually are you even are you curious about what he thinks

of your sexual chemistry like are you unaware no i i'm i actually think i'm more confident in bed than i am outside of bed um i just i'm very sexual person and what do you feel like you're missing out of this relationship then uh well i've told him in the beginning like when we were talking like you know we have the conversations like what do you like in bed kind of thing and um and i told him i like i like guys that take the lead and you know are in control and i like you know slapping spanking and stuff like that and i've told him and he was like okay yeah i could totally do that for you and i was like okay cool uh fast forward to actually having sex? No. Okay. He's, and I've, and I've never made him feel like,

like I, you know, I just go with it, whatever, you know, and the last time we did, like before that, I was like, it kind of got brought up again and we had sex and he kind of tried to do it. It just didn't seem like it was there. Like, he just seems like just

a super nice dude that he just can't be that person you know i don't know if i can i don't want to change him if that's like a weird like if you do change someone to be what you want in bed i don't know uh i think how old is he he's 33 okay i think as far as this relationship goes, you have to decide whether you want to have an awkward conversation with him, if it's worth it to you, if everything else is what you're looking for in a potential relationship and you're missing this one thing

and are you willing to have a potentially awkward conversation to see if that thing can improve? You know, like, you've just started dating this guy. It's relatively early. Yeah. If that got better,

would this be a potential great guy for you? Yeah. Yeah. So. It would. Again, I kind of mentioned this before. There's nothing wrong with, with like you can't promise you're not going to hurt him you can all you can be is i don't want to hurt him yeah all you can

do is be honest and and you can just let him know where you stand but like i just feel like we're not connecting you know if he gets super defensive and you're like maybe he's just like listen this is not who i am don't let him make you feel like what you want is totally normal and healthy a little spanking and a little you know like fine you know that's it all sounds safe people like that so like don't let him don't you know sometimes if you say this to a guy you know some guys can all of a sudden the nice guy can get real defensive and then maybe mean and all i'm saying is someone who's dealt with this in the past don't let this guy and i'm not saying he would don't let him make you feel bad for knowing what you like in bed yeah right so like

yeah just know that it sounds like everything you like is totally normal and healthy so you know that sometimes these uncomfortable situations get especially guys defensive be like well i, I mean, it's, you know, you're not weird for liking those things. Well, yeah. And then on top of it,

we've had sex four times. He has like two of the times he didn't actually come. And I know like, there's just things that happen. And, you know, he, he,

he told me, he's like, I just feel like there's just so much pressure. Sometimes I just can't do it. Like, it just takes me too long. And I'm i'm like okay he's clearly in his head about sex you know yeah maybe his ex-wife fucked him up or ex-girlfriend that's possible no i it sounded bad i don't know the whole situation but i mean i don't i guess that's how do i make him more comfortable like how do I get him out of his head?

Um, a couple options, right? I mean, I, I think in dating situations, um, I've known,

I done this, like I do therapy and the people I date, I like, I don't hide that from them because I think, you know, us working on ourselves is, it's like, it's like dating someone who's like really into fitness like sometimes it helps motivate your person to like want to like take care of their physical health right because you're dating someone who's really big on that right so same way of like mental health and emotional health it's just like

hey i i'm working on me my ex me up that's okay i'm still working on me. My ex fucked me up. That's okay. I'm still working on me. Have you ever thought, like, does he do therapy? Like, you know what I'm saying? So just, is this someone you want to get to know while they continue to work on themselves? Because he's not a finished product, either are you, and that's okay. But what you don't want is to be working on yourself while he's, like, just hoping his shit just goes away.

It probably won't. Right. And so you have to, you know, figure out whether he's capable of working on his shit because you can maybe only do so much or be so patient. So like actively talk how like you're working on yourself might, might make him feel more comfortable seeking out therapy and working on his issues.

Cause like in the short term, right? and working on his issues. Because in the short term, you complaining and voicing your frustration with your sex life, if this is a guy who's already in his head about sex, it's not going to help. No, and I would never... He just told me, I'm not going to come.

It's going to take me a long time. I was just like, okay, we're good. You know, like I didn't make it awkward. I would never make anybody feel like that, you know, like, and I just told him,

you know, it'll eventually we'll have more time alone. We'll get better. You know, I don't really know what else to say about it. Cause I don't want to make him feel insecure. You know, it's all you can do,

but there is a certain level of like, if you're into something your partner hopefully is into it too to a certain degree well and i think because of the friends with benefits that i had the sex was just bomb you know like it was something i i wish i could take these two dudes and put them together and i could have like that but i know i can't yeah that's called dating. And that just means you probably should keep looking, to be honest. I know.

And I think that's what I'm like sad about is like he's a really good guy and I could see myself with him in the future. But there's just some doubt in there and And I don't, I don't know. I just feel like I'm being, I don't know, I guess selfish by not liking him. No, you,

you deserve to be selfish. I know. And when it comes to your dating life early on, you know, it's okay to be selfish. You probably aren't used to being selfish in your past relationship, but that same trust that you had to say goodbye to the great sex fuck boy who did or not fuck boy but like the fuck buddy who didn't want to date you you have to trust your gut on this one too you

know because this could get messy the roles are reversed right and this means you know like maybe you have to walk away from a nice guy who's also not giving you something because, you know, you also want a guy who gives you affection and consideration and love outside of a physical aspect. But you also want that, too. They're both a priority. Hopefully, you don't have to sacrifice them. And these are just two guys in a sea of literally millions of guys, right? guys in a sea of literally millions of guys right um so do what you did with the last guy because the last guy you put it out there you're like hey listen this is what i want you don't want to give it to me so i'm going to walk away he didn't come back that was sad but you moved on so if you think

you know so like sit down with this guy and at the risk of hurting his feelings, just say, Hey, this is where I'm at. And like, it's more like, and it's okay if you're not into that, but this is what I want. And that's fine.

And don't make him feel judged. But like, I have my preferences. You have yours. What if we're just not connected? You know, I don't want to have sex with me personally. It's like,

if I was into something and they were like, I do this for you. Yeah. I don't want to have sex with me personally. It's like if I was into something and they were like, I do this for you. I don't know. Like, I mean, thanks, I guess. But like, I want, you know, I want you to enjoy it. Like, if you don't enjoy it, like that doesn't do anything for me. Yeah. Like he's, I don't want to get like too graphic,

but he spanked me once and it was like the smallest. I was just like, like like like okay we're good i think just sit down with them and try to talk with them about something where like just you know i think it's worth a an awkward conversation without throwing stones and without emasculating him exactly yeah and see if he is into this stuff or maybe we're just, you know, we're two people who think each other's are great. Maybe we're just not each other's person.

And then you keep going out there and you try to find that person who gives you both because you deserve to have both. And it's hard and that's why dating is hard because you don't want to be an asshole to this guy and he is nice, but just because he's don't want to be an asshole to this guy. And he is nice. But just because he's a nice person doesn't mean he's your guy. Exactly.

And you don't need to be burdened with having to cater every nice guy out there who can't. You know what I'm saying? He'll be fine. Yeah. I know I'll be fine. I guess it's just the navigating dating world after you know 10 years of not being in it and then trying to deal with my own issues and then trying to like be selfish when I'm not

well the good news for you is even people who haven't been in marriages for 10 years with toxic people still deal with this problem like you're this is called dating so don't you know and continue to work on yourself and continue to focus on your emotional and mental health it's okay to admit that you're not there yet um and you can still date while you're working on it right but don't be afraid to be selfish. Yeah, I think it's a good time. This is the time to be selfish. Be selfish now so it's easier to be selfless in a committed relationship.

Yeah, and I'm not stuck in something I don't want. Exactly, you know? It's like, oh, I want to be super selfless and I'll say yes to things I don't want to do and I'll say yes to a guy I don't want to be with just because I don't want to be mean. And then you're like in a committed relationship that you don't want to be in. And then feelings are really hurt. It'll hurt less for this guy now than it will five years from now or two years from now.

Yeah. At that point, it's just terrible. Just try to communicate. Give it that last ditchditch effort with this guy and see if it's worth you guys trying. But my gut tells me, is this not your guy? And just have one more conversation to see what he has to say. But you might have to leave this guy too, you know, unfortunately.

That's okay. You're getting good at it. Yeah. You know? And every time, and I think every time that you trust your gut and you protect yourself to not be afraid to give yourself a pat on the back because that's really hard to do, and we often don't do it. And instead of feeling, you know, you shouldn't feel guilty.

You should be really proud of yourself. Thank you. All yourself. Thank you. All right. So thank you. I don't know if we want any clear answers, but I guess all I want to say is you're doing great. You're doing fine. It's messy.

Yeah. But yeah. And just keep, keep working on yourself. Okay. Thank you so much. Best of luck. I appreciate you. You too. Have a good day. All right. Bye-bye working on yourself. Okay. Thank you so much. Best of luck. I appreciate you.

You too. All right. Bye. Bye. How's it going? So good. How are you? I'm so good.

What's your name? My name is Caitlin. Hi Caitlin. How old are you? I am 31. Awesome. How can I help? Um, I, so I live in. Awesome. How can I help? So I live in Orange County.

I moved back about almost two years now. From where? I grew up here and I moved away to New York, lived there for a decade, came back. And so I haven't been like an adult really. I haven't been 21 in Orange County um let alone like dated in orange county um but i'm seeing a bunch of people on like my dating apps that i like went to high school with i grew up with went to church with um so when you when you say you're seeing you mean like you've just noticed them you're not you're not You know, like some people refer to seeing. You're just like seeing them out.

You're interacting with them. I am noticing that they have a Bumble profile as well. Gotcha. You're like, oh, I went to high school with that person. Okay, gotcha. Right. And so I guess my question revolves around noticing somebody that I went to high school with or that I knew from growing up in Orange County

or that I knew, you know, I came back and like took a cycling class from this one instructor, came back, you know, seven years later, saw him on Hinge. Like it's what's the protocol with like, hey, we actually know each other but i saw you on a dating app like can i reach out to them beyond the dating app what do you mean so like you match with this guy on bumble or you saw his profile i saw his profile we have not matched because of the algorithm it like did you swipe right or okay and then you haven't okay so you swiped right up into this

point you haven't matched but you recognized said person it was like i i knew that guy from a decade ago or whatever right and you're wondering if you mean, it's fine. I wouldn't, here's what I wouldn't do and what sometimes people do is I wouldn't say, Hey, I saw you on Bumble, figured out also DM you here. Right, right, right. Okay. Like don't, you don't need to do that. You don't need to like, you know, because he might have seen your profile and he might have swiped left, right? He might've been like, nah, and he might not have for whatever reason, right?

Like it's a dating app. I don't know how you are. I feel like most, more guys than, I think kind of like in life, I think women pay attention to more finer details, even on dating apps, where they might look at the profile, look at all the pictures, look at what he said in his bio,

where guys are just like, you know, everyone's different. I'm sure some guys do that and some women don't. But on average, I think most guys are just like, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe. They're not even, they're half paying attention. They could easily swipe left on someone that they might've liked or not you get what i'm saying like there's probably a little less thought

that goes into it so go ahead and dm the guy like you probably won't know i mean the chances are of him being like oh like i saw you on bumble and by the way, I swiped left. So don't ever DM me. Like that's never going to happen. You know, you'll never know the difference. I just don't, I don't think you should point out, hey, I've been watching you from this dating app. Just wondering why you haven't swiped right yet. And, but if you want to, your hope,

so anything in the back of your mind, your hope is just like, well, I want to go out with him. And like i swiped right and he hasn't i haven't matched with him yet so like what if the algorithm is fucking me and is it weird if i just dm them yeah and if i've learned anything from this podcast is that if a guy is interested he will reach out right like yeah sure right generally so a part of me has like that voice in the back of my mind. Like if he saw my profile and he wasn't interested, like, great. You know, the algorithm has to work in some aspect. Sure. It does. To answer your question, have I seen someone on a dating app, not matched with them, DM them only to then go out with them and have a really great time yes

i've done that it's worked okay great yeah i mean i think that and i never was like hey did you notice me on like why didn't we like it and to your point they didn't my didn't show up on their algorithm so to speak or or whatever so other times i had people d i've had plenty of people dm me and be like i saw you on this dating app thought i'd say hi and i'm like eh nah like i'm good like respond to their d? Like, oh, so sorry? No. No. 100% of the time, no. Okay. But you don't know that, right? And I also don't remember it.

I wasn't like, zero times was I like, oh, yeah, I remember not liking you. Like, that never happened. I just was like, no, I'm good, right? I just wasn't interested for whatever reason. And then hopefully you just cross your fingers that you never run into each other like, we never go to the same class at the gym, right? I mean, if you do, you'll live, right? That's so true, right?

Yeah, like if you decide to DM him and he still doesn't reply, then that's going to sting a little bit because then you're, if you decide to DM him and he still doesn't reply, then, you know, that's going to sting a little bit because then you're like, well, and I know if I, I don't know if I can blame the algorithm because he's also not responding to my DM and there's a good chance he saw that. Um, and then if you run into him at the grocery store, you're just like, oh fuck. Like, uh, you know, but you never know. I, at that point I wouldn't be awkward. I, and I wouldn't get in your head and be like, you know what? He probably didn't see my DM and he probably didn't see me on

Bumble. Now I'm going to go say hi. I mean, good for you if you can do that, but like your ego might, you know, be a little vulnerable in that moment. So, you know, but listen, you're just shooting shooter and it's fine. You know, there's nothing wrong with it. But I don't, I think there's an overshare that often happens where people are like, Hey, I matched with you. So like, it's like, they're almost like qualifying why they're DMing. It's like, Hey, I'm not weird for DMing you because some, some techie person said that I should like you because you showed up in my dating profile. So like you probably, you know, like people have a way of like trying to justify, just you DMed him. So what? You're allowed. Yes. And yeah. And, you know,

hopefully one of these times will stick. Is there someone you're like particularly crushing on or is this like a multiple people that you're interested in? No, I feel like there's one guy I went to high school with. We go to the same gym, so I see him all the time. Yeah. And you showed up on your Bumble. Yes. and you showed up on your bumble yes

and so I'm like hesitant because I know that I see him at 630 every morning you know that's a rest yeah and then there's another guy that really just two that like I know we're like friends on Facebook and like which

Facebook that hold on the guy you see at the gym on a regular right you guys have met before in the past we went to high school together you did have you spoken with this guy at the gym since i moved back from new york yeah at the gym like we were like oh gosh this has been longer than a minute that's all. So you acknowledged that you guys went to high school.

Yeah, we went to high school. And I mean, 10 years is a long time, right? Yeah, totally. We bonded in this one rotation of a circuit. And then I know his name. I follow him on Instagram. I don't know. I like follow him on Instagram.

Like, I don't know. And I'm like tempted or I'm timid and tempted to be like, Hey, are you still single? Like, you know? Yeah,

no, I get it. I get it. But I do think because you have like, he's not a total stranger to you. No. So it's kind of weird to DM him knowing that you see him on a regular basis and there is some sort of mutual connection and that is he went to heist together and you guys know who each other is have you tried to find ways to just talk to him um no no another piece of that story is that he like brought some other girl to the gym

this was like a two week he like she was there for two weeks and now she's no longer coming to the gym just find reason find ways to talk to him right like you don't that don't include immediately hey do you want to grab a cup of coffee just do some recon just you know hey remember mr like the science teacher what a weird fucking guy you know i don't know what you want to bond over but like have a read like you there is some sort of mutual connection hey do you ever talk to so and so do you remember like that weird guy who went to like i don't know like if i ran into someone who i went to high school with right I would it's such a like a fun time to like reflect on like hey whatever happened to so-and-so you know is there someone

in high school that you're kind of wondering like where they are and then you maybe you knew like give so like there's a bunch of ways you can talk to this person right right right and see if you can strike up like a rapport you know like you know and if this guy's just like kind of dismissive to you like oh yeah i don't know like whatever i'm on and then they kind of like keep lifting and they almost like sound like they treat you kind of like they're just going to answer your questions and they're not that interested no but do you think that the opposite would have already happened if there was interest on the other side maybe you know yeah maybe just because like there's a difference between like if a guy's interested he'll reach out and and him not like being obsessed

with you when you walked through the gym you know what i'm saying like yeah like he you know he doesn't know you you know maybe he maybe there's a connection that you would be able to build but like uh there is a balance between putting yourself out there and letting a guy hit on you like if he didn't hit on you like he could be a little nervous he might not have noticed you but there's people I haven't noticed that then I got to know and I was like oh you're really great you know I don't know what like maybe he's not your person but maybe he's a friend I don't know maybe you're also just new to, you moved back home. So I think meeting people and like growing your circle should be more of a focus than actual dating.

And then I think the more people you meet, they'll introduce to other people and that might help you meet someone. Very true. So I think maybe just think of it less from a dating standpoint and just be open to reconnecting with people and just think of it less from a dating standpoint and just be open to reconnecting with people and just communicating and take the pressure of dating out of the picture

and just seeing you know connect with reconnect with people and then they might introduce you to other people um i wouldn't overthink like oh well if he hasn't talked to me, I shouldn't talk to him because you know, like there's a lot of information you don't know. So just, just talk to him. Oh gosh. Okay. And again,

like that doesn't mean like, don't like, don't like walk awkwardly, walk up to him while he's like lifting weights and be like, Oh, like how much are you like benching? Also, you want to grab coffee?

Like, don't do that. No, no, no. Right no right oh and it's like more of like a class like a class situation so like we're like in like you know there's a bunch of us outside and we're you know doing all the things but um i definitely can think of some things to say that probably awkward that try not to don't flirt with them you know just i don't think that i'm i'm not capable of flirting at 6 30 in the morning it's too early yeah like whatever happened to you still talk to people you know i haven't been around like show me the ropes right you know i'm trying to think i mean yeah there's there there are things for sure that i can find like maybe like try to friend zone him see what he you know see what he does you know

if he's down to being your friend then he just wants to be friend if he you know if if a guy is if a girl's trying to friend zone a guy and he's interested in her sexually, then that'll bug him. Very true. Very true. Yeah. I'm just curious about what happened to this girl that he was bringing to the gym for so long.

Probably. I mean, would that be an inappropriate question? Like, hey, where's the girl? Yeah, I wouldn't do that. Did you murder her? I don't, you know. No, I don't know. Who knows? Could you have do you have any idea who she is whether it's could it be a cousin could it be a friend in town could it do you have any idea they no they were not related they definitely were dating it was a romantic situation yeah

but and then i don't know then i get intimidated because she was, you know, stunning, like supermodel looking. And I'm like, Oh, okay. That's what he's into. Then maybe this is not my, this is not my person to go out. Maybe,

maybe not. Maybe, maybe not. But I think you should be in the friend making business right now. Yes. I mean, it is. And that is hard.

That is hard being, I don't know. I think you've talked a lot about age and 31. I'm like, I have enough friends. I have friends in New York. I have, you know,

friends here in town. I, I, I have a, so my best friends out here, there's a select group of people that are out here that I love, but most of my people that are out here are married with multiple kids. That's what I'm saying.

So this idea that you have a ton of friends, while true, you kind of need a new social group. True. So that's why I think you should focus as much on making friends, which is equally and sometimes harder in the adult life because people seem to be more closed off like it's like why why do you want to be friends i don't know like people are a little more guarded with friends so i think if you focus on that that will open up the door to meeting a bunch of people

and then maybe it could lead to something romantically yes uh yeah that make that's exciting to me so yeah, so, um, take the pressure off of wondering what he's into and, and just get to know someone you went to high school with and, you know, don't worry about it romantically. Right. And that,

I mean, that sometimes is the hardest, right? Cause like you, that's like your goal, your end goal. Right. But, um, yeah, I i will but guys do have physical types i mean i you know there is that yeah yes and i have i have been in relationships where they like we date and then i you know we break up and then i turn around i'm

like oh that was really your type this is this makes so much sense um but like i i mean i also have a type so it's like we can play both sides of that yeah so yeah i think you should yeah really be in the friend making business right now and and use the mute like the fact that you guys went to high school together as a way to just try to talk to them you have that connection you have another connection if you guys are going to the same workout class and you're looking to meet new people you know yeah absolutely i mean see where it goes that's a very non-threatening way to introduce kind of yourself in a sense to someone.

And then he doesn't have to worry about like, is she trying to hit on me? Because like I, maybe he does have a girlfriend. I don't know. Maybe she just like got a job and she didn't have a job before. Now she's just too busy. Or,

you know, now she's like, you know what? I was trying to impress you, but I don't wake up at six 30. So I'm not coming anymore. So yeah, you but i don't wake up at 6 30 so i'm not coming anymore um so yeah that way you can find out a lot of information without feeling like you're being a threat or you're trying to have sex with them and have him kind of be like uh i'm not into this or who knows right that would that is great advice. Yeah, I think

that really answers my question. Great. Well, best of luck. Well, thanks, Nick. Yeah, keep making friends. I definitely will. I definitely will. Those lifelong friends

that now have babies and, you know, they're great to have, but, you know. Right, right. And all across, I'm being set up for the first time. So a lifelong friend is actually playing dating app for me. So we'll see how that goes on tomorrow.

Good luck. Probably won't go great, but that's fine. You should still go. Okay. Yeah. So positive. No, I think... Don't get him!

Lower your expectations, you'll have a great time. But like setups are projections of what your friends kind of want sometimes and not what you want. But you might have a great time. Yeah. I think people should have low expectations on any date they go on. That way they'll be like, oh, yeah. Well, and if anything, he's going to be a friend, friend right he's in like our same like friend group there you go

i think that's the way to start it making friends all right making friends all right good luck all right bye-bye wow that was wild uh thanks so much guys, for listening, for the callers, for calling in. We need your questions because without your interesting stories, we won't have this show. So sending your questions at asknickatcastmedia.com, I promise you, you will love the answers you get from me. You're going to be nervous coming in. You're not sure if you can share your story.

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