The Viall Files - E255 Ask Nick- He’s Not A Narcissist But He Is A Dick

Episode Date: April 5, 2021

Today on Ask Nick we start with someone who was ghosted by her boyfriend ending their 3 year relationship. Next, we speak with a woman who likes the guy she is seeing, and they are compatible sexually, but he always seems to be too busy to do anything- except text. Our next caller is having a family issue when she is trying to find a relative she just learned about but her father is procrastinating on helping with the search snd she is starting to take it personally. Our last caller is dealing with her parents sharing about infidelity in their marriage. She is now processing the news and looking at trust issues in her own marriage after using her parents marriage as an example. “You don’t have to be a therapist to be able to label someone a dick.” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  For merch please visit www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Theragun: http://www.theragun.com/VIALL Try Theragun for THIRTY-DAYS starting at only $199.  Masterclass: http://www.masterclass.com/VIALL to get 15% off an annual membership.  Huzzah: http://www.drinkhuzzah.com use code VIALL for 20% off your order.  Rothy’s: http://www.rothys.com/VIALL to check out all the amazing shoes, bags and masks available right now. Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What's going on everybody happy Monday to you all I am Nick host of the show this wonderful popular show called the file files and this is your Ask Nick episodes where we have our callers, our listeners call in and share their problems and I save the day. With some help of the ladies in my life, Chrissy, Allie, and Amanda. How's everyone doing? Almost forgot your name there, Amanda.

I watched it happen in real time. As I told Natalie, as I told Natalie the other day, I'm not perfect, but I am honest. Well, we have a great episode for you. Thank you for listening. I'm just going to pine for your guys' approval. We'd love to ask Nick listeners to go over to iTunes and give us five stars. Let's get those five stars up.

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of a deal it is. So thanks for doing it and continue to do that. We will try to share as many of those as we can. I can't promise you we will, but we will certainly try. Also, we're doing great things on social. Oh my God. Allie and Amanda are doing great work on Instagram. I think we're crushing the TikTok game. So for all the people out there on the TikTok world,

great stuff is coming. And it has came. Oh. Yeah, I know. It came all over. And it was very satisfying it was very satisfying it keeps growing to watch on tiktok to watch on tiktok the numbers grow the numbers we're growing we're growing we're growing growing not and showing i love how the two older people in this

room are the biggest children. It's scary that I'm the oldest person. Amanda's looking at me with disgust. Well, I'm glad I can't see it. Great show for you guys. Thanks for tuning in. And don't forget to send your questions to asknickatcastmedia.com. Cast with a K.

If you need those questions, we appreciate it. No story is off limits to unique. And I can't, I can't, I can't tell you enough how thankful our callers are for the advice they get. I mean that only because like sometimes they get nervous. Like, I don't know if I can do this.

You can be anonymous. It's a lot of fun and they always feel good afterwards. And you guys, we've gotten a lot of updates lately, which is awesome. Yeah. We've got a lot of people writing in, filling us in on what's been happening. And I love that. So keep doing that too. We've got some lot of updates lately, which is awesome. We've got a lot of people writing in, filling us in on what's been happening, and I love that.

So keep doing that, too. We've got some great merch out there, some breakup books to help yourself and your friends get through those messy times. Some great fun sayings, hoodies, t-shirts, all the merch at vilefiles.com. So check it out. If nothing else, let's get to our callers. What's your time with me? else let's get to our callers how's it going good how are you good how can i help so i'm michaela i am 25 and i am from northern bc canada so i'll give you a little bit of backstory. It's kind of involved. But basically, I've been with this guy for almost three years now, it'll be three years as of next

week. And some stuff has kind of happened. So he works just to give you some background, he works on a two and two rotation, which up north, that means that he's in camp for two weeks, and then he comes home for two weeks. And so last week, he was due to come home on Tuesday night, he came home, we hung out, everything was great. Everything was normal. He's been a little bit off lately, just in the sense of like having, he's been very negative about life, like he really doesn't like where we live. we live where it's pretty much like winter seven to eight months of the year so makes him kind of miserable anyways he was just kind of down but everything was great normal whatever the next day I had went to work and he came and picked me up at lunch and he was just again very negative and so I had asked him like what's going on with

you like what's wrong and he was just like I hate it up here so much like I don't want to be up here anymore and you know how when you're like kind of like a little bit annoyed because you keep hearing it so much and so it's just like I was like well why don't you just move down south then because he always talks about moving to this particular area which is is 12 hours away, which there's sun and beach and whatever. And so he was just like, no, I would never do that. Like I want to be with you and that's why I'm up here. And so I was like, okay, well, I don't know what to do. Like, you sound kind of like you're getting depressed.

Maybe you should get some help. And he said, no, like counseling isn't going to help me. And I said, okay, whatever. So we kind of left the conversation. He dropped me back off at work and it was kind of odd but fine an hour and a half later i'm sitting at work and i get this text message from him that's like hey sorry i had to leave like i've skipped town i'm going to see my parents which is 16 hours away um i'm really sorry i had to do this but it's for myself has nothing to do with

you. Like, I just need some time. I'll see you in a week, basically. And I'm like, very communicative. And so I started panicking, like, mental breakdown, just kind of hit the wall freaking out, because I couldn't understand why he couldn't just tell me in person what was going on, like how he was feeling. And so of course, I call him and I'm just like, Hey, where are you? And he's like, well, I'm an hour and a half already away. And I was like, what? That means that he would have had to leave literally, like right after we had saw each other at lunchtime. And I said, Can you please turn around, come back, see me like, let's talk about this. He's like, like no I'm not coming back like I'm already too

far gone like I need to go and do this like if he's like basically pulled some cards and was like would you rather me go and leave for a week or would you rather wake up next to me dead and I'm like oh my god I never knew it was this serious like blah blah blah so again I'm like very traumatized by this whole situation feeling really down like just can't understand what's going on i call him a couple more times through the night he's still like upset and every conversation we had like he's very emotionally kind of i don't know verbally abusive i guess like he'll pin things on me so he's like you're being fucking selfish like this is like not about you

you're overreacting like get the f over it everything like that so wait wait hold on he suggested he might kill himself and then accuse you of overreacting yeah okay yeah and again i had said like you should probably get some help like can, can we get you some help? No, I just need to go and be with my parents right now. He's like very family oriented. It's like, okay, whatever. So anyways, I had this feeling that he wasn't going to go down to his parents. I had this feeling he was going to go see his friends, which his friends is still down south, but they're about four hours away from his parents. And so I'd asked him like where he was going to end up that night. And he said, sure enough, like Kelowna, which is where his friends are. And so, again, we had a couple of conversations that night. They didn't, none of them went over well. It was a lot of yelling and screaming, whatever. The next day, don't really hear from him.

Like maybe get a, I got a couple of texts from him, not, not really hearing much and then the following day on Friday this is last Friday I had texted him and I was like hey what's going on no answer so I called him and I was just like and he answered and I was like hey just kind of want to let you know that like I know you're going through something clearly right now but like you also kind of abandoned me and like I would love like just even like a good morning text or a good night text or something saying that you're okay especially since you left on this note of saying that you're gonna kill yourself basically and he said oh I'm really

sorry like I'm gonna work on it I've been just getting drunk with my friends like I'm gonna do my best to whatever I love you miss you the whole bit I'm gonna try and text you and I'm like okay cool so then I left the conversation feeling pretty good that night he had texted me a couple more times saying like he missed me everything else then the next morning no answer afternoon no answer so I start texting him and I'm just like what's going on are you okay blah blah Blah, blah, blah, no answer. So it got to the point where like I had messaged his mom and I was like, is he alive? Like what's going on? His mom? Oh yeah, he's fine. He's just hanging out with his friends. It's like, okay,

cool. Don't know why he's ignoring me. Following day happened Sunday, no answer. Then I start getting like really upset. Like this guy is not texting me. He's not calling me back. Literally no communication whatsoever. And so his phone is actually on my account. And so I had like looked to see if he was still making calls or whatever to make sure that he's alive, which he was. So he was ignoring me. Monday rolls around. Let me ask you a question. Let me ask you a question let me ask you a question when you went and checked your your phone records deep down were you really checking to see if he was alive or you were were you checking to see if he was ignoring you

both no but really deep down what did you really believe what were you really trying to find out you know what i'm saying? He was ignoring me. Exactly. He was ignoring me. Listen, when we date people as a guy, right, and I have a girlfriend and she goes out with some friends and all of a sudden, listen, we live in a shitty world. Sometimes you hear these stories about call me when you get home

and the girl never makes it home. That can happen, right? And that's scary. But you always assume that everyone's going to be okay and all of a sudden you can't get a hold of someone you're like oh my god i got a little worried there but you never were really worried that they were dead because like those types of tragedies we thankfully we believe that's never going to happen to us right yeah so i'm wondering like you know he says this thing he he puts it out there that he's suicidal or he might kill himself and he kind of almost like has you on this hook it's like all of a

sudden you're like held hostage to these threats he's making about himself and yeah and and i'm just wondering deep down when you were in you answer the question like what were you really trying to find out and yeah i was trying to find out if he was ignoring me for sure and the reason why i want to ask that question is like again this this threat of suicide by him has really it's yeah it's this power he has over you right because now you're no like it's it's a shitty thing to do because no you have to almost make sure like you even have to tell yourself i'm i'm checking to make sure he's okay but what you really want to know and what the real issue is is can i trust this person

and and why is he ignoring me and why is he doing these like like normal kind of shitty things people do to people they're in relationships with right yeah and you almost have to like make it about the suicide. At the off chance he is, but I don't even think deep down you really believe he's suicidal. I don't. And what happened later kind of confirms that. So the other thing that's going through the back of my mind is, and please do not question me on why I stuck with him for so long

because you guys are going to think this is ridiculous, there has been i can't even count actually i've lost count how many times of like like he's messaged other girls and sent pictures and literally the whole bit and every time i've stuck with him and i think that he has something similar like like I'm not going to assume, but I would say something similar to a sex addiction, but like he's not having sex. He's just messaging literally anybody. So anytime he's on social media, like Instagram, TikTok, Snapchat, Facebook slides into the DMs of literally anybody. He's done this the whole time we've been together. So of course, in my mind, I'm i'm going yeah is he with somebody right now like good possibility not to mention about a month and a half ago i caught him messaging some chick in kelowna where he was saying can i take you for dinner which i was with

him by the way when we were in kelowna at that point all right so i'm gonna stop you for i'm that point all right so hold on i'm gonna stop you for i'm i can't say whether he is or isn't a sex addict because i'm not i'm not a professional and and yeah either are you you got to stop diagnosing him and guessing because what you're trying to do is justify your behavior right because you feel defensive you don't want you don't want you know like you said please don't ask me why i stayed with him the whole long i don't think you're right i don't really have to ask because you have already asked yourself like you're already defensive and because you're defensive now you're trying to label his behavior and you're trying to give it like a thing because well it would actually make you feel better if you found out he was a sex addict because therefore you were the caretaker you were sympathetic to his addiction and what in reality

and most likely possible not knowing and him and and not able to like diagnose him is that you're just dating a dick you're dating someone who's selfish you're you're dating someone who gaslights you're dating someone who like manipulates he and and and he successfully gets you to respond to him you spend all this time worrying about him and you have anxiety and and like and and half the time you're worried about like his well-being when deep down i don't even think you're not really all that worried that he's not okay but because you're a caring human being you're just like well fuck what am i supposed to do that information like i can't just ignore it like you know you don't want to just ignore that he's like threatened to kill himself like that's fucked up but the truth is people do do these things

yeah i know you know and you're again you're you're you're just maybe dating a dick i woke up this morning and i rubbed me i rubbed me with theragun with theragun don't get any ideas baby i went to bed use the theragun i woke up use the theragun because you know what i'm playing virtual reality or sometimes the stress the fuck out i grind my teeth and theragun has truly saved my life i i shit you not it's it's truly the greatest thing theragun is the invention that will change this world it's something i i have so many moments of of being a kid and and wanting people to rub my sore neck whether you know i played athletics you know if you have a cramp you're working out uh you get tightness in your like it band in your leg or

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15% off Masterclass. Be a master. Take a class with Masterclass. Yeah. Well, again, what I'm going to tell you next confirms that so after monday let's get it out all right yeah after monday that's when i i had sent in the question and my original question was like how do i go about this ghosting situation of somebody that i've been with for three years well last night i did something that i'm not very proud of. And I like again, I have a lot of anxiety

and stuff. And I just felt like I wasn't getting closure. And so I went on to the phone records again. And I saw this phone number that he had kept talking to like a lot. And so I told my friend about it. And she had texted the number and I had also searched the number onto Google and it came up with a girl's number in Kelowna so what resulted out of that is my friend texted this girl she had basically confirmed everything because then my boyfriend had messaged my friend and they basically got into a scrap. He's like super immature, ended up going to my friend's husband

about their personal life. Like just he raged out. And then basically he finally texted me and just told me a bunch of shit about how it's been over for a very long time. And I should know that and blah, blah, blah. So now my question is to wrap that up is like, I had no idea it was over. Like I said, the last time we had talked was last Friday. And he had literally left the conversation saying, I miss you. And I love you you and when he came home last week out of camp we had sex and everything like things were normal so things why things haven't been normal for a really long time well so you have to three years you have to accept that acknowledge that so i'm going to ask you a question and i know you're going through a lot and i'm i don't want i'm not want to know why

you've stayed with him i know why you've stayed with him you're afraid to move on but i want to what i want to ask you is why do you think you're afraid to move on like why do you think you're been so willing to put up with this stuff because it's just a fear, right? And we've all been afraid before. And, you know, right now you're feeling a lot of stuff of you're feeling foolishness, you're feeling used, you're feeling betrayed. And the hardest part about all that is you've kind of known, you know, and so now you're just really mad at yourself. And you're mad at him.

You're mad at him. And I get it. Fuck. I mean mean we've been there there's a lot of people listening me like oh god why do i do this to myself but why are you afraid having all this data all this all this information i've been like i don't deserve a guy like that what are you so afraid of i was in a relationship before this i was like super similar and i was with him for six years and also like emotionally kind of abused that way.

And so when I had met this new guy, there was a three month turnaround. So I have not been alone. So it's a fear of being alone. Okay. That's what it is. There's nothing to be afraid of when it comes to being alone, right?

Yeah. I think somewhere along the line, you lack some confidence in yourself. And I think you need to really focus on yourself. I think you need to give yourself permission to be real selfish for a period of time. That period of time might be like, I don't know, a couple years, maybe. Certainly months, right? And you need to focus on your confidence and you need to talk focus on you know you've spent all this energy taking care of this guy or trying to go out of your way hey move like

you've been so accommodating and so like put that energy into yourself right we have like our energy in life is not infinite you know you put fuel is fuel? You put gas into a car. Like, it doesn't last forever, right? Yeah. You know, like, our energy is limited. And so if we use energy one direction, right, energy for, like, anything, you know, work, job, relationships, like, that's energy we can't use somewhere else. So this guy, he's an energy sucker. He's sucking all the energy out of you

right and and you've been focusing like even this past relationship you're so used to like focusing energy for some reason hoping that it's going to like validate your yourself right now what you need to do is focus your energy solely on you you need to be selfish right you need you can't you have to like eliminate these people from your life. And it might be hard because you're not used to that because you probably have a fear of being alone. That's one of them. But your fear comes from this insecurity you have. I don't know where it comes from,

but you really need to like look at that, right? And then use your energy of which is very limited because we all have a limited amount of energy and just focus on yourself. What goals do you have for yourself in life, right? And those goals can't be, you can have a goal to have a life partner. You can have a goal to get married and have kids. That's fine. But right now, talk about your specific goals that only have to do with you that don't include kids or a husband or a partner.

Like, what do you want to do for yourself where do you want to live what what what uh career goals do you want to accomplish and work towards those what like health goals do you want to accomplish luckily i've already like when this is happening and he was like kind of ghosting me last week i had like a career opportunity come up um so i i like that's kind of trying to pull me out of the slump that I'm in, like, it's something that I can look forward to, to get ready for it. And like I said, the whole situation that happened, it I know it sounds messed up, but it helped knowing that there was a reason behind what he did, like there was another female. But like I said, I am so blindsided. Like, why would he, why would he tell me that it's been

over forever? Like, or for a long time? Like, I just don't, I don't get that. Why would he say those things to me? You don't, you don't stop trying to understand it. Huzzah probiotics, man. Your gut health is so important for your immune system, for your brain, too. Just the things that go on in your gut impacts your emotional, mental, and physical well-being. And why don't you make that easy for you by drinking the delicious probiotic. Huzzah! Experience a bold probiotic seltzer with benefits. Sunshine season is coming fast, but you can start celebrating now with Huzzah! A bold probiotic seltzer with benefits sunshine season is coming fast but you can start celebrating now with a

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cares about himself he's selfish like he's a dick, right? So like you got to stop breaking down every little action that he has because you're trying to understand crazy. You seem like an ultimately selfless person who's trying to understand what it is to be selfish. You do in a healthy way, not how he goes about it. You need to take care of yourself and focus on you. Stop understanding why he is making decisions he is doing

and start trying to understand why you're making decisions you're making. Focus on you. Again, like there is some like tough love you have to present to yourself as well. You know, this is about your choices not his right and that you know like you're you yes i'm not sure like you already feel silly and stupid and that's okay but like you the good news is and how you can feel better about this is like you can change that going forward you're still a young attractive person with a lot going for you right now you just need to figure out why you made these choices. So, you're going to accomplish a lot more by trying to ask yourself, why did I do

this, right? And stop trying to put like some sort of like silver lining on it. Stop trying to like make it profound. Stop trying to make excuses. It's okay. Just be like, I fucked up. I made a mistake. You know, you can learn from these mistakes. When you try to make excuses it's okay just be like i fucked up i made a mistake you know you can learn from these mistakes when you try to like make it sound better or glorify it or like you know then then you're not really learning going forward you're just like oh well because i'm a nice person you know like yeah what you are somebody who's lacking confidence in themselves right now so focus on yourself focus on your confidence and this didn't happen for a reason this happened because you chose it for but it will work out because you have things going for you like there are these windows and cracks and

doors that are saying hey there's more to life than taking care of these these toxic guys but you need to focus on yourself you really need like this is the time for you to be selfish in positive ways right yeah so he has to come back into town because he goes back to camp on wednesday and he's gonna have to stop by the house why why is he gonna have to he has to grab some of his stuff to go to camp so much well it's here so well i mean you can't you're an intelligent person you can't figure out alternative ways to not see him or have him come over i bet you that's what i'm asking that's what i'm asking like my friends are telling me like you probably shouldn't be around when he comes by and we should just pack his up so that

when he comes out of camp it's ready for him to get. And when he stops by next week, this is a good example of the questions you need to ask yourself, right? You know, you don't need me or your friends to say to you, well, you shouldn't see this guy. You know that you're a smart person,

but what's what, what there's a part of you that's trying to justify allowing this to happen. You're trying to make excuses for the situation. Not only for him, the situation. You're making excuses for yourself, too. Why do you do that? The reason why is because you still have hope. You're still hoping you to be proven wrong. You're still, and that is your ego. That's you trying to, like, justify your past choices in the past, which is why you feel stupid. You just have to accept it. You got fooled. You got duped. You know, it doesn't make you a fool. The only thing that's going to make you a fool is continuing to do it. Like we've all done this, right? But you got to start asking, why am I doing this to

myself? And you do. You're playing the victim a little bit too much. And I'm not saying you haven't been victimized and I'm not saying you haven't been victimized and I'm not saying you haven't been wronged, but you need to start holding yourself accountable for the choices you're making. Because like this is a dick. He's not gonna change. It's also not your responsibility.

You're not his parent. You're not his counselor. You're not his mentor. You're not his therapist. And he will come back and he will continue this toxic behavior and he'll probably gaslight you. And he might even like come back and be like, oh, let's be together we really don't know he's an unpredictable

dick he did that last year and your ego is saying you know what like i don't know maybe give it a chance i don't know like there's a there's a there's a way out we can we don't have to feel bad about our past choices we don't have to feel you don't we don't we don't have to feel, you know, we don't, we don't have to feel duped. Just like, let them come back and apologize. Well, I know it's, I know it's not a good idea to take him back, obviously.

Well, so, yeah, well, then don't because you're not, you're not a prisoner, right?

This is your choice. Own your decisions. Yeah. You know, you need to step up here and focus on your confidence focus on self-improvement things that you need things that you have neglected taking care of yourself because you've been so focused on trying to take care of him i i think that a lot of girls can relate and effectively you want to be the person that changes yeah it's a people thing

it's not just women guys Guys do it too, right? Now take your power back. We talk about this a lot on this show. That's on you. You're not going to get it from him. He's not going to give you a drop of power. He doesn't want to give you shit. He wants to control you.

Yeah, he doesn't care. That hurts, but you just keep saying that and believing it and get to a point where it doesn't bother anymore. You're going to be okay. It's not the end of the world. You're still young. You deserve a good guy, right? But you're not giving yourself a chance.

And you're not giving yourself a chance because you haven't really worked on your own confidence issues. And it's drawing these toxic dicks into your life. Yeah. But you have to start taking ownership of your actions, right? Because you're giving these guys too much of your power. All right. Thank you. You're going to be okay, but you've got to start believing in yourself.

You've got to, you know, you really do cut off, like stop talking to his mom, stop talking to his friends. Like it's over. It's going to feel good when you stand up to him and by standing up to him that just means not giving him any access to you yeah i promise you whenever you decide to follow through with this you're gonna look back and feel so good about yourself and that doesn't mean like and sticking up just to be clear sticking up for yourself does not mean you have to interact with him i don't want to no you do that's okay admit it and then tell yourself i'm still not going to because i deserve better stop pretending you don't want to right it's okay be honest with yourself about your

intentions but just say you know what i'm not going to do that anymore i want that donut i want oh fuck you know like it's okay but you're not going to do it we. I want that donut. I want it. Ah, fuck, you know? It's okay, but you're not going to do it. We all have these desires we have to stop ourselves from giving in to. Yeah. And that's where you, the adult, comes in. Yeah, definitely. All right? I believe in you.

Thank you. All right. Take care. Thanks. All right. Bye-bye. How's it going? What's your name? Tanya Bye-bye. How's it going? What's your name? Tanya. Tanya. How can I help?

Maybe six weeks ago or something, I just started hanging out with this new guy. I'm just really kind of confused on what this guy really wants. I think our first date was actually really awesome. It took me paddle boarding by a sailboat. And we ended up hooking up on the first date. And I was kind of fine with that. Honestly, he kind of gave me a little bit of like fuckboy vibe. So I was just like, you know what? I'm going to have fun with it, go along with it, and just have an awesome date.

But then he kept hitting me up and super interested in pursuing me. So I was like, all right, well, I mean mean after you slept with them he he was pretty persistent it's a good sign yeah right right after um i think we're still driving back and he like texted me having a good time and everything so um but then the next day he was going on a vacation this guy's like always busy so like i understand he's either working really hard or he's going on an adventure. And so we, we didn't make plans for a little bit because he was going to be gone for a week. And then he hit me up like right after to make plans for us to hang out right when he got back which um it was just inviting me over to his house so i was like okay we're back to fuckboy vibes but i'm like whatever i'm also

fine with this not a big deal so i went over we had fun and then i left and then he kept pursuing me further and the next one he like invited me out on an actual like they took me out on his motorcycle set up like a hammock on the beach, watched the sunset. Then we went back, you know, basically our relationship has been like, he's pursues me, but it's also very sexual, which I'm fine with. It's like, I'm just kind of going with the flow and, you know, we have good sex. So it's like, why not? But recently he's just been like,

he was saying that he's like super busy and he's going he was going away for two weeks like which now he is on his trip um which is totally fine i was just like uh well let me know if you have time to hang out and maybe we'll see that that's actually where the text was it sounded almost like in his text that he was just making it felt like he was making excuses to not see this but i wasn't sure if i was is this all one conversation yeah i wasn't sure if i was just reading into it wrong but like he was um what he sent you a picture of his truck yeah he got he got like hit and i think he was just having a really bad day sorry right

fuck my life it's been a week busy as fuck, but busy is good. It's like, thanks for letting me know. It's always out of your luck. Luck wasn't on my side today. I'd need a drink, but have a thousand things to do. Oh my God.

I'm so sorry. You're right. That really sucks. Oh, that's such a crappy feeling. What a nice empathizer you are. Uh, if you need anything or maybe a drink partner,

I'm happy to assist i am sorry so here's where you went wrong just to give you a little note he told you he was too busy for a drink so and then you went and because you're a nice person and you want to hang out with him you were like no no but i'll still hang out in case your schedule frees up again subtlety like i wouldn't beat yourself up but like you didn't need to point out like he told you he's not available and then you told you you told him that you were you know yeah so don't you don't need to do that like if someone says they're busy you don't need to let them know that you're not. Okay, for sure.

There's this little weird, especially in an early dating situation, you know, like people always say like, you know, the conversation about playing hard to get, like I think that's a dangerous game, right? But like, there's nothing wrong with at least letting someone know that you just have shit to do.

Cause you do, right? And even when you're bored, like it doesn't mean you're not a busy person, but like there's something about like, there's a difference between playing hard to get and just like having other things going on in your life that had that, that were going on before they were in your life. Right.

Yeah. And there's a weird thing between like, again, deliberately playing hard to get and just like having nothing better to do. Like you're waiting around for them to have a drink with you. So there's a small like, well, I'm just going to be waiting here in case you do want a drinking buddy. That's kind of how it sounds. Right.

Anyways, let's continue with the text. Yeah. Just something else to fix. Not in the best mood and working all day tomorrow too. It's just been a fun week, needless to say, but love being busy, we get it, and helping a fuck ton of patients again. Well, you are a hero. This is letting you know how busy and how awesome he is.

Yeah, right? Got qualified for another PPP loan for a small business. Awesome, you're super great. He's so good at offering information without you asking about him um no worries i hope to feel better and so much to figure out with that too so then you're like this no worries was like a like he didn't even say he couldn't hang out but you felt the need to like subtly apologize no worries sorry for making myself available to you essentially

i hope you feel better and get everything figured out always do he lets you know like wow what if always do because i'm awesome empire Empire doesn't build itself. Oh, he's built. Empire doesn't build itself and nothing going to get, this guy is not lacking confidence, which I'm sure you find attractive and that is great. Confidence is good. Sorry about canceling the other night.

Oh my God. Thanks for understanding. Well, I mean, you apologize for like him being busy i need this colorado vacation asap booked booked solid but but in a good way he then he then proceeds to send you his calendar boat is booked all month ha ha ha boat for like himself he's literally like sending you his calendar.

When do you leave for Colorado? No, I know he does this where he like always, he always tries to like prove to me like when he's busy, he'll like send me pictures of him busy just to like make sure that like I know that he's busy. I don't understand. Apologize for hashtag

goals are being met. You ask him when do you leave for Colorado? He writes not till next week, but I'm kind of overwhelmed. Once again, on a good, in a good crushing life way. Fuck. I hate him. I hate him. Hashtag goals are being met finally i really hate

this guy uh for sure well i'd love to see you before you go you again remind him like he gets it you want to hang out uh steak doesn't say forever oh my god now you're letting him know that you went out of your way to buy steak. Like you've planned a date he doesn't want to go on? No, he bought me steak, and then we had to cancel our date, and then I was just like, I want to eat that steak, man. He probably ate the steak. I hate to break it to you.

You're right. Oh, no, we ended up having that date with the steak. Okay. Ha-ha, true. I'm working on it. Listen, I've been on your side we've all done this i'm being harsh but like yes like i don't know what he wants i agree with you there it seems unclear he doesn't hate you like yeah it sounds i don't know like if a guy has sex with you

and follows up with you that's a really great sign because it is true right that oftentimes guys don't really know they like you until after they have sex with you it's it's something in our it's you know suck we're deficiently made you're you're not a priority right we've heard you know we've talked about that before so how do you figure out what he likes is like fucking get get as busy as this motherfucker and what don't don't let him know how busy you are. Just be busy. You know, be unavailable. Yeah, I don't need an update.

Yeah, don't respond right away. Don't ask him to hang out. You made it perfectly clear you're into him. You no longer need to like let him know that you would like to hang out with him. In one conversation, you let him know three different times. I have progressed from there so i after that i was just kind of annoyed and i just didn't talk to him for like four days straight and just kind of did my thing what happened celebration whatever finally like i was just then i got into my head wondering like if i was mean by completely not saying anything so i like just sent like a little meme on Instagram and he like, no, like you, you were

so close with like, you were so you, you like you took, you're like, you spent four days being busy. Just let him reach out to you. And when he does be fucking busy. And then when he asked like, why are you busy? You, you say to him in a very non-mad way you're like hey listen you congratulations hashtag goals you're crushing life you're you're too busy for me that's okay i'm just looking for someone who's a little bit like you know and here's how

you make him real shitty it's like you know this guy wants to let you know that it hasn't always been easy and he's working really hard on his goals and he's he's on his way but he's not there yet and you're looking for someone who's who's already landed you know and you're you know that's just a small like little dig so when when he comes back you're just like i don't know you're too like i'm just i'm looking for someone who like has it has it figured out not figuring it out who has a little bit of time for me? You don't. It's okay.

It's fine. Yeah. And then see what he does. We did end up hanging out. And then I kind of was just after that kind of was just like, you know what? I feel I'm not feeling this right now. I'm not feeling his energy is where I want it to be but at the same time I really like having sex with him so after after that one date I just kind of sent him a text and I'm curious

what you think of this he goes uh I went to him I'm like that uh that after sex hangout and cuddling felt a little weird no not sure we're there yet you said that to hang out i sent this to him yeah i said maybe let's just stick to just hanging out and having sex for now because uh we have great sex either way i think you're awesome i have a lot of fun with you super down for skydiving let me know um how much it costs what do you say and then he said haha for, for show. For show. Yes, we do. For show. I hate him. Yes, we do.

Yes, we do indeed. I think you're awesome too. And like down to just keep it as friends. And he said, I'll let you know about Friday, just depending on how the rest of the week goes. And then, of course, super busy on Friday. But he's like, he like consists after that. Okay. So after that, he starts going like and just floods

my box again and I think that I think he just really likes like wants me to want him maybe I don't know like I mean you know what I'm saying like you're the like listen I think it's fine it sounds you got a little bit of clarity there but the problem is is that you would date him if he wanted to date you so you don't really just want to be friends like you're willing to only have sex with them because it's clear to you that he doesn't want to date you. So you're like, you're like, okay, well, what can I get out of this relationship? Which is fine.

Like we've done that. And I'm not saying don't do it, but like, I think it is a risk because you're what you are still doing in that message is you're asking for his permission. You're asking for like, why'd you have to let him know? You know, just, just fuck the guy when you want to fuck him. And then if he's asking about the relationship, be like, oh, by the way you know just just fuck the guy when you want to fuck him and then if he's asking about the relationship be like oh by the way we're just fuck buddies you know what i'm saying but no like you're like oh hey just you know this is what i want is that okay with you

like just let him ask you you know why are you checking in with him let him check in with you you know but the reason why you're doing that just to be clear the reason why you are doing this because you do like him and that's okay and you would date him if you wanted to date you i don't know why i like him i think that i just it's my ego thing though because i kind of think he sucks too like the way you're saying oh i fucking hate him he's the worst i think he kind of sucks too and first i think it might be my ego honestly also like hey listen good sex hard to find you know yeah yeah and that's i think that's also why i'm like kind of okay with just keeping it because i'm like well he gives me attention sometimes like the way that i like he hits me

up every day and gives me attention and good sex and whatever but then he also does kind of suck so i'm like i don't know right so like if you're gonna keep hanging out with him you just need to really rein this in right you need to stop asking stop asking stop asking him anything be the boss okay be be the you know i don't want to say be the guy because you know like women can do this and do do this. Be the boss. You know, treat them like a fucking employee. Like literally, if you want this to be transactional and if you want this to be about sex, you want this to not have feelings and make it transactional. You're the boss.

He works for you. And by work is like you allow him to like please you sexually when you need to be pleased. And until then, you don't like you don't you don't need like and you're not asking for his permission. I mean, you are. You want consent is important. But like, you know what I'm saying? Like, hey, you want to fuck? No. Great.

All right. Cool. In fact, don't even like don't don't ever ask him for him when he hears from you. When you hear from him, you let him know if you are interested that if he's interested you have time to have sex with him okay that's it that's the only way like again this you're playing with fire because you do like the guy but if if that's what you if you want to try to get down to a path where you really then like be the boss yeah it's hard for me like by nature i'm very like easygoing and whatever you can be easygoing you can be an easygoing boss still means you're

in charge you can be in charge this is about power and you keep giving them your power by asking them if things are okay by checking in by like operating on his busy schedule and being accommodating and, you know. No one's saying be a mean, bad boss. Be a good, understanding boss who like lets him know when you have time for him. Okay. I like it. Thank you. All right.

Yeah. All right. Best of luck. Just what I needed to hear all right thank you all right bye-bye have a good day you too how's it going hi what's your name i'm rachel and i'll i'll be 30 in may oh happy early birthday thank you how can I help, Rachel? So just buckle up. It's kind of a long story. So last August, my dad's cousin was talking to my dad's aunt, and she's getting up there in years, and they were kind of just talking about, she was asking questions about her childhood and her siblings and everything. And it suddenly dropped that her sister, which is my grandmother, apparently had a child

when she was 17 and put him up for adoption and no one ever knew. And she ran and told my dad, who was completely stunned because they were super close and she never mentioned anything. So my grandma passed about five years ago. And now there's only two people that are still living that we could get any information from. So we only know that the father's name is Norby. He was probably born between 1950 and 1952. And they don't know his name or anything. And the only other information they have is that apparently the child, now adult,

apparently used the service about five years before my grandma passed to find her. And my grandma refused to speak to him, which was completely surprising knowing her. But, you know, she grew up in a very like Irish Catholic household. And knowing some not so great stories about my great grandmother, I'm sure she was very shamed for getting pregnant at 17 out of wedlock and had, I'm sure putting them up for adoption was really hard. But anyway, so the second I find this out, I'm dying to find this guy. And my dad seemed really interested as well. So I put in all this time to look for adoption records, which apparently are not public in Illinois.

So I spoke to a private detective from Chicago, and he suggested this service that they have in Illinois that has access to adoption and birth records. So I started calling this guy Norby Jr. just because we don't know his name, and that was apparently the father's name. This guy is, this person would be your dad's brother? Yes.

Okay. Sorry, it's like half-brother? Yeah. And's brother? Yes. Okay. That is like half brother. Yeah. And your uncle. Yes. So I put in all this effort. I got all this paperwork done. I researched the entire process.

I literally filled out all the paperwork for my dad. All he has to do is sign it. And he has to do it because he's next of kin. So I can't do it until he dies. And um so i gave it to him ready to file and like all he needs to do is file it and i think that norby jr probably used this service to find my grandma before when you know 10 years ago and my dad and my stepmom are kind of like pushing back and saying that they think the best chance to find him would be a DNA test, which I mean, is a chance. The service is free. And so, you know, months later, again, this is back in August and it's now, what are we,

in March? And he still hasn't filed the paperwork. He hasn't done a DNA test or anything. And I'm getting kind of upset because like this is a person that I share blood with and there could be other people like if he's had children and they've had children like I want to know them and so my dad's actions aren't really matching his words because again he said that he seemed interested but then he did at one point say that he thinks that Norby Jr. might be angry that my grandma rejected him 10 years ago which I mean I guess that's a possibility but I don't think it's definitely a reason to not do it um and so like I'm not upset with my grandma I kind of get why

she did it but now I feel I feel like she denied my dad and my other uncle and my brother and my cousins and everything an opportunity to know this guy and now I feel like my dad's kind of doing the same thing and so I ended up ordering a DNA test for myself and which I'm not really happy about because I'd spend money that I didn't want to spend and so I did that and my my boyfriend said that maybe I shouldn't have done that because my dad doesn't want to and so like then I started to think like am I being selfish for wanting to know this person and ignoring my grandma and my dad's wishes kind of.

Does that story? Yeah. Okay. Well, thank you for sharing. As Matt would, Matt James would say, do we have to,

do we have to give Matt credit going forward for saying thank you for sharing? It's an interesting question. You know, it's one of those things. I don't think the answer is black and white. I think probably a little bit. The answer is probably a little bit of both, right? I think I completely understand why you'd want to find this person, right? They are related to you.

You've also kind of made this your project right you've you've hired you hired a private eye you you're you're into this this is you know even if it and and well I get from the family connection I get it but like now this has become your thing right and I think you just want to be mindful that your passion and your desire to see this through um isn't just because of how much time you invested or money you've spent or or you've come so close you know just it's a project that you're working on. Right. So I think, uh, I get why you want to do it. It makes a lot of sense as people you are related to, but I think you want to be careful how you go about it. Right. Uh,

like you said, you know, the feelings are involved right or wrong. Um, these, these are very challenging decisions. Right. And then, you know, have you sat down and maybe, probably have, but have you sat down and really just kind of talk to your dad about his feelings about the situation while not trying to convince him to do something? Like just about the whole thing.

You know what I'm saying? Like, not like, hey dad, can you sign this? Can we can do this? But in also here's why you should do this because I want to do this and but like wow dad that's crazy how does this make you feel just like kind of sit down with like no judgment and and you know express his fears or his worries or why he might have some reluctance yeah um well so first of all he's very sto. So sometimes getting any feelings out of him is hard. But I mean, I have as well as apparently my great aunt, once he talked to her, she asked him,

are you ashamed of your mother for having a child out of wedlock? And he said, no, of course not. So he's not upset with my grandma for having the child. And then, I mean, I think he's a little confused. Yeah. You think or you know? I mean, yeah, he said he's confused, like why she never mentioned it because they were extremely close and as was I.

And actually, I think that's one of the reasons why I'm so invested in this is because I was really, really, really close to my grandma. Honestly, I've said this too, if this was any of my other grandparents, I probably wouldn't be as interested, but because this particular person, I was so close with this grandparent. Well, I think that's an important, I think that's an important note, right? Because by kind of your own admission, you recognize you have a bit of a bias, right? Because this is, you know, by that own admission, you're saying this is not just about finding any blood relatives I have that I have never met type of thing.

You know, it's not just about that. This is about this almost kind of fascination you have because you were so close with your grandmother. And there's a story there. And you want to unpack that story and meet this person you've named and you've wondered what their personality is like and you wonder what it's been like for them yeah so i think you need to be really careful about your intentions you know at the same time i i think this could be a real positive thing perhaps it could be an unpositive thing you know i don't know yeah i and even if

it's not positive i don't think it's a bad thing to do because i mean if he if he does have all this anger and resentment that's fine whatever at least i tried like it's kind of like i mean the fact that you know he tried to reach out to your grandmother unsuccessfully yeah i would i would think there could be still a beautiful opportunity for your dad to connect with him and and two brothers sit down even years later and have some reconciliation and some conversations and and and maybe your dad who was close with his mother can share stories about his mom and you know tell tell you know tell, you know, this stranger, this family member, the good and the bad about her, you know, the, this is what made her special.

And this is maybe why she had this, felt this shame. I don't know. Right. But I feel like, I mean, he, he had to, like, he has to be interested if he like, cause my grandma, she married and divorced and changed her name and moved probably a hundred times all combined and so the fact that he found her is honestly pretty astonishing um so i feel like if he put forth the effort to found to find her he has to want to know about his birth mother and potentially siblings and everything because he doesn't know that my dad exists he only knows that my my grandma exists um so i mean based on his apparent actions it sounds like he would be interested and even if

he does now have some anger i would think that he would at least want answers even if he does have resentment definitely it's a lot of logic there right what i think is i think you need to try to maybe take a step back from your eagerness and excitement, what you invested, your fascination with all this. Because that's where you run the risk of, you know, having kind of selfish intentions as your boyfriend suggests, right? That doesn't mean I think you should just drop it. But I think you just want to, like, maybe this is an opportunity to continue to, like, build your relationship with your father, right? Just have a conversation with about him recognize you know have these conversations with him that you're having with me let him work through this right let him something's holding

him back right but let him process this right and that might mean it might take a few months six months a year i don't know and granted you know as as your father and his brother who's never met gets older you always run the risk that something can happen but yeah i don't i don't think this is something you want to push right uh i think whenever your dad does this he needs to be ready right yeah um and i think you use use this opportunity to you know push your you know push your dad to open up right but be patient with the fact that it's not a strength of his um and ask him questions but um i i you got it's a you gotta have to find a balance you don't want to be too pushy like come on come on come on i mean i've and don't make it's a, you gotta have to find a balance. You don't want to be too pushy.

Like, come on, come on, come on. I mean, I've, and don't make it about you. You know,

the fact that you've invested time, money, private eye, like you got to throw that all out the door when you're trying to, like, you can't throw that in your dad's face. Right. You can't,

um, you got to respect the kind of complex dynamic that this is. Um, so I don't think there's anything well i wasn't i wasn't trying to throw it in his face it's just i i'm not working right now because of the pandemic i was in a corporate event planner and obviously we're not having any events sure um and so he's still working and so it's kind of like as you said this is like my project so like i was kind of just trying to be nice and do all the work yeah yeah i don't mean i'm trying to do it i don't mean you're being mean about it but like we have this way of you'll say little things and it's because there's that part of you that feels like it'll it'll come out but that's how you'll hear

it right i don't i don't expect that you're gonna go attack your father be like i can't believe you're not you know like i'm working on this but because it has been a project of yours, you're going to be a little less patient with him, right? Because you have this bias, right? Because it's this fascination, because it's the grandmother you're closest with. I also just kind of worry, because this guy has to be around 70 if he was born somewhere between 1950 and 1952.

We have a pandemic going on and i don't know if you ever watched the show this is us but there's a lot of like adoption and like lost connections and stuff and so like i've been watching that show recently which hasn't been helping but it's just like all of that combined i just like kind of worried like i mean the clock sticking like this guy he might not he might not even be alive i mean yes he was alive 10 years ago but he could have died five years ago. I think because if this was 20 years ago and he was, I guess, 50,

maybe I wouldn't be as pushy, but just like, okay, the clock's ticking. Let's go. No, I get it. But he dies tomorrow. I think it's okay that you continue to encourage your father to see the positive aspects of connecting.

I think you do try to have to be patient with him because it needs to be on his terms. He can't do it because you're getting mad at him. I think you've got to be very careful about any accusations, whatever it is. You're scared or whatever, you know, just, I think you need to, he needs to want to do this and, and deal with whatever feelings he has about the situation. Right. Cause maybe there is a fear of like meeting this brother of his and having this guy be mad. It's just like, I can't believe it. And there's just a lot of anger and resentment. And maybe it's just a lot for your dad to unpack

right now. Um, help him feel confident about if he makes a decision, you know, be there, make him feel like he has, you know, you and other people support him in this kind of, what I'm sure is scary, you know? know? So just try to support your dad and try to make it less of your passion project and more just your focus is to reconnect your father with his brother and, you know, reconnect two people that, you know, hopefully this could be a real positive thing.

So I think you just want to channel your energy a little bit more efficiently, right? And, and watch your bias and, and what you say to your father while trying to get him to do this. Does that make sense? Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, I'm not saying stop, but just be careful with how you go forward. Yeah. I'm definitely very type A and, know being an event planner i just i'm used to like controlling things and so like having to relinquish the control is yes very hard yeah i can i can tell i get set and set but that's that's kind of my note um and use this an opportunity to just kind of talk about, you know, get your dad to open up. It's, you know, push him in that regard. Yeah, he's not really good at doing that.

I've gotten, you know, I think as a millennial, with other peers my age, I've gotten really good at communication and everything, but it's just, it's hard to get him to talk about feelings. And then it's just like this weird, weird, like he's not only my elder, but my parents like respect for him. And I like, don't want to push it. And I don't know.

Yeah. But you're an adult now, like your relationship with your dad has changed. You can challenge him. You can push him. You can ask him tough questions. You can, and,

and then see when he's ready and just make it more about that and less about like, but like, you know, he's there and I can't, I've done all this work and like, you know, like,

don't do that. Don't do that. all right yeah well uh keep us updated i would love to find out if you know uh if this eventually works out but um just yeah don't get caught up in the project of it all and and focus on the family yeah i was like i was just trying to be nice and do all the work but which is great just don't don't don't equate an extra value to that you know yeah you were nice you don't deserve a medal like you don't you know it's you know what i'm saying it's yeah it was nice but you gotta let that go. Yeah. Okay, cool. All right. Thank you.

You're in the middle of hopefully a positive journey of not only meeting your uncle, but this could bring you closer with your dad by really being patient and connecting with him and pushing him to open up. And I would look at it that way. Yeah, that's true. Have that be your next project. That's a really good way to look at it.

Okay. All right. Sorry, I'm right. Okay. No, you're right. That's why I called. All right. Well, thank you for calling.

Thank you. All right. Take care. How's it going? Good. I'm Molly. I'm 34. Hi, Molly.

How can I help? I've got kind of a family situation going on, but I guess first I need to tell you a little bit about me and my relationship. I got married at 18, a month after I graduated high school. My husband was 19. We've been together, it'll be 16 years in July. So it's a lot of that purity culture, all of that stuff that people talk about. But other than that, this really isn't about that. So my parents have been married for 38 years, and I've always looked up to them and their marriage. And I think they're a big reason why I was able to stay in a marriage. You know, I was just so young and I really looked up to them.

And I guess about two weeks ago, three weeks ago, somewhere around there, they brought me and my brother together and pretty much it was just really weird. I didn't know what was going on and I was worried, you know, all kinds of stuff was going on. And, um, my dad pretty much said that he had cheated on my mom. Um, and there was no sex. It was with a family friend and, um, he came home and told her right away he was ready to pack his bags and leave. And, um, yeah, I guess, and then they kind of backtracked and said about a year ago, she caught him, um, Facebook messaging some other woman. And, um, he pretty much realized he had a sex addiction and he's been in counseling for a year and it's just obviously not gotten better.

So, um, they decided that he's going to go to rehab for 10 weeks. And that's pretty much where we are. I just, the biggest thing for me is, I guess my question is how do I not, I've been trying really hard to process it and make sure that it's their issue. There's nothing I can really do about it, but i looked up to them in their marriage so much and my dad kind of put him on a pedestal it's like kind of effect not affecting my marriage but you know it gives me a little bit of trust issues which shouldn't be there with my husband when you say he has a sex addiction or is it that or is he just like acknowledges that he's into like sex? I, I don't know.

It's, I've done a lot of research on purity culture since I got married. Me and my husband, you know, we had sex before we got married and I married him because that's what I was supposed to do. I did something wrong, you know,

and we got married young and had kids young, you know, and now I have a 15 year old daughter and like, I can't expect her young, you know, and now I have a 15 year old daughter and like, I can't expect her to, you know, I'm not going to do the same thing that my parents did to me or my mom did to me and push to wait. And then, you know, just, it's just the whole situation or the whole purity culture is just toxic. But, um, he, um, I don't know. I think, He, I don't know. I think, I really think that it goes back to that and, you know, her issues between the two of them and their sex life. And I, I mean, I brought that up in the conversation.

I was like, you know, they're talking, they didn't have sex for a year or something. And I'm like, mom, you can't expect, you can't not have sex with him for a year and expect him not to do so. You know, like, I just, I don't know. Yeah. Yes know yeah yes i know i don't know like i've never been married and like listen if you're gonna marry make a marriage work over years like you know sacrifices need to be made made like you know i i'm not here to say to like a justification for someone cheating is because their partner you know whatever they're going through like you, you know, we go through a physical and emotional ups and downs and tragedy. And sometimes like we're just not there sexually to be in a relationship.

And I don't want to worry about like if all of a sudden 15 years from now, like let's say I get an accident and I can't perform or something. And, you know, or maybe I'm emotionally depressed and I'm just not in the mood. I don't want to worry about my partner cheating on me. That being said, I'm more like I'm just more curious like, it also doesn't necessarily make your dad a sex addict because like he had his, you know, he stepped out. Not everyone who cheats is a sex addict. They're just unfaithful. talked about it a year before when she caught him texting somebody or facebook messaging somebody whatever um that he had realized that some things happened to him when he was young and you know he had never dealt with it and that's what he was trying to deal with in counseling and i mean my

first reaction was kind of not that was a cop out but going to rehab for being i don't know like kind of like you know i don't she didn't want to leave if your dad that was like the ultimatum yeah i yeah i'm not a social psychologist and i but it i would think if your dad's an actual sex addict that he would not be able to have been like part of this purity culture and have been faithful if your dad's an actual sex addict, then, you know, there might be some people from this past, right? Like, uh, and I don't know that what, what defines a sex addict or not, but like, just because people like having sex, you know, and especially if they're not married, enjoy having, you know, maybe multiple partners doesn't make them a sex addict. Right. I think we love to label things. We love to label things to like justify our own behavior sometimes uh who called

them a sex addict was it his therapist um i'm not sure he's the one who used those words in our conversation so i don't know i don't know i think that's probably like not even the big concern here like your dad made his choices and unless, unless you know for sure that he's been diagnosed by a professional as, as someone who has an addiction problem, then, you know, again, it's your dad's choice whether he wants to go to rehab. I'm at, you know, that's, you know, your dad's decision, but, um, I would be careful because like, listen, if you again, maybe he is, maybe it isn't.

I don't know. But it sounds it seems unclear where this diagnosis is coming from. So, yeah, I think you want to be careful giving it a label that doesn't exist because, you know, your your husband, you know, this is based off of your own insecurities about your relationship. He doesn't have to be in a sex addict for him to cheat. You don't have to be a sex addict for you to cheat. You just, you know, you have to have, you know, a week, it's a week, it's a moment of weakness sometimes, or a character flaw. You know, it's not necessarily a mental health condition. So I think you just like have how many conversations about this situation have you had with your husband?

Like, is he aware of your insecurities? Yeah, we've talked about it a lot and I kind of went through not a depression, but you know, a couple of days where it was, it was really bothering me, you know, and we, he's very good about talking to me and we're, we have really good communication. So he didn't, he was supportive and not defensive. We grew up together really you know yeah but so when you shared these insecurities he didn't get defensive he was he no he got supportive great that's well that's a great sign if he got defensive i'd be like oh well peel that

layer back but yeah um our parents do not dictate our relationships. They can impact it. They can certainly bring in insecurities, but you're your own person. The good things and bad things our parents do can both help and hurt us. Sometimes the good things we can try to live up to false expectations. As a child, I literally never saw my parents fight. That doesn't mean they didn't fight, but I had this perception of this like charming and wonderful marriage. And by all accounts, it was right. But like if I tried to if I told myself my parents never fought and therefore I need to find a relationship where I never fight, if I have to have that, that would be a bad expectation to live up to. You know, on the flip side, if I grew up in a household where my parents got divorced or there was cheating,

like that could be a good catalyst for me to like, I don't want to be that way. Or I could turn into, you know, I could be like, well, you know, I have these issues and this is why I cheat.

And you know, there, these are things that they're like red flags or there's moments and things we can live from, but like our decision to like hold onto them and make them like our, our like weight and our burden is like entirely up to us right like we're kind of you know and uh yeah i think i would just be careful of putting labels on on our actions that justify them and make them excuses and again if they come that diagnosis comes from a professional

therapist and so be it but like you know a of days, like we were talking about this, Amanda and Alia, about like, and Chrissy, it's just like, you know, narcissists, right? All of a sudden, this past couple of years, everyone's talking about narcissists. I'm dating a narcissist. But like less than 1% of the population are actual narcissists.

But apparently everyone's dating, like who's diagnosing these people? Like you can do narcissistic things. narcissist but apparently everyone's dating like who who's diagnosing these people yeah like you can do narcissistic things like some of the like moments we recognize what you know like oh five ways to recognize a narcissist like those are also like five ways to recognize a dick you know so like i think we like to call our partners narcissists or sex addicts because then all of a sudden that makes us the victim you know because like oh well you know i couldn't help it because i i've i got caught by a narcissist and i had no

control over the situation because they're like their mental powers or something like that and yeah you know because you know dating people like with these actual problems can be problematic and hard and you can be a victim of these people, but sometimes they're just have low character, you know, or maybe they're just assholes and we can leave those situations. But, and I'm getting off track, but I think the good news is you have, sounds like by all accounts, you have a pretty solid relationship with your husband. Just keep the dialogue open, keep putting out those insecurities. Like the more honest you can be with your husband about the things that you think and feel the safer you will feel.

Right. And it's not just the things that you're going through. It's the things that you're feeling too. You know, I, I, I can't imagine being in a relationship where my partner knows everything I say,

but everything I feel there's a whole like sea of thoughts that I've never expressed to my partner. That's, that's scary because our, our, our thoughts do make up who we are. I think sometimes when it comes to, you know, very strong and overbearing, like religious households and upbringings, there's like this underlying kind of message of sometimes your thoughts are sins. You know, the things that we think about sometimes are, and we have to like push those thoughts down, therefore to not be sinners, you know, it's just like, well, fuck man, you know? So then we, we, we push them down, we ignore them. And then, you know, they don't go away. That's who we are. And then we, sometimes we get worried about what our thoughts say about us. Are we really accepted? So then we start like lying to our partners by not admitting the things that we're

thinking about and feeling, Oh, but it's such a relief when we can say that to our partners and have them be like, yeah, me too. I totally accept you. It's fine. Like, it's okay. Let's work through it together. What a comforting feeling. Um, so just keep doing that and just try to keep the dialogue open. Yeah, definitely. I think the main reason I emailed was because I think that this probably happens more than people realize. And parents get divorced as you're an adult. And I don't think that people realize that it affects the adult children as much. I totally agree. But don't be afraid to still love your father he can still be your hero you know what i'm saying like he

i don't think you have to um acknowledge the hurt you know deal with it uh don't ignore it but you don't have to hate him you know know, like this, he was never, he was never perfect before. And now it's been a smack in the face and just, you know, what your, your dad and mom taught you came down from what they were taught too. So like, you know,

pointing the finger only does so much, but just try to acknowledge your feelings and, and work through it through therapy. Like, you know, it could be something that maybe you and your husband still like get through therapy, like, you know, could be something that maybe you and your husband still like get couples therapy for together, you know, even though it seems like you have a good situation and get ahead of it. Right. Um, you don't have

to wait for there to be a problem to, you know, uh, deal with, uh, you know, insecurities and thoughts and feelings that you have. Alright. Alright, thank you so much. I appreciate you sharing your story. Good luck with everything. It sounds like, honestly, all things being equal,

you've got a pretty good relationship with your husband and there's no reason to start doubting that just because of the sins of the father. Wow, what a great episode. We crush it. Hey, everyone, team high five. High five.

I think that's it. VileFiles.com, merch, asknickatcastme.com, questions. We will see you on Wednesday. Peace.