The Viall Files - E257 Ask Nick - All You Are To Him Is Not His Wife

Episode Date: April 12, 2021

Today on Ask Nick we start with someone who is trying to end an affair she is having while realizing her own issues that made her justify this situation was ok. Our second caller saw “orange flags�� when the first guy she dated in a while wanted to move in after a month of seeing each other. Once she started to ignore the flags he broke up with her and now she is discouraged about dating. Next we speak with a women who’s boyfriend broke up with her after having a family trauma and said he no longer thought he could give her what she deserved in the relationship.  “Selfish in terms of prioritizing your needs in a healthy way not necessarily prioritizing at the expense of someone else’s pain.” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  For merch please visit www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Each & Every: http://www.eachandevery.com/VIALL use promo code VIALL30 your purchase to get 30% off.  BetterHelp: http://www.betterhelp.com/VIALLFILES for 10% off your first month.  Noom: http://www.noom.com/VIALL to sign up for a trial today.  ShipStation: http://www.shipstation.com use code VIALL to get a 60-day free trial.  Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What's going on everybody happy Monday to you all I hope I hope your weekend was great I hope your day is going even better we have a fantastic episode for you today on the Ask Nick episode. Well, I mean, what do we got? We got Jenny Garth and Tori Spelling on Wednesday. Super exciting stuff. I mean. Oh, my God. So fun.

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vile files.com all right well uh hope you enjoy this episode let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Hey, Nick. Not too bad. What's your name? My name's Meg, and I'm 38 years old. Nice to meet you, Meg. I guess I'm calling.

Basically, I'll just give you kind of a rundown of my history so I've been sleeping with an old friend for about three four years it happened after like a drunken night out we met up we've known each other I want to say like 18 years. And we've never, we've always had chemistry, but never anything ever happened because I was always in a relationship or he was or whatever. So anyways, long story short, I was recently out of a really bad breakup. So I was, I was pretty heartbroken and didn't really care about anything else other than, I don't know, attention and sex maybe. Great. But just for context, so you've been friends with this person for 18 some years, but you first had sex with them how long ago? Like four years ago. And then in between,

you've also had serious relationships. So the sex stopped when you were dating someone? No. So the last like three, four years, I haven't been in a serious relationship. I've just been kind of casually sleeping, sleeping with him and just like other people. Gotcha. I've, I mean,

I was very much, but you're saying that's, that's when the sleeping started when you got out of a relationship. Yes. Okay. I was single. Gotcha. I was single.

So I guess the big problem is, is that he is married. So, yeah. So, I mean, like I said, I didn't care. I kind of I went into it. And why didn't you care? Um, I think I didn't care because it wasn't my responsibility to care. Maybe. Um, I think I was really hurt. I liked the attention. Um, I mean, in hindsight, now that I've analyzed it, I kind of, I think I went into it because I knew there was no way to get hurt because I couldn't have any expectations with him because he has a wife. So and yet, you know, and yet I kept sleeping with him forever. And how did that make you feel? Honestly, I didn't. Well, OK, I'd be lying if it didn't make me feel shitty at the beginning. At the beginning, I couldn't really wrap my head around it. We slept together a couple of times and then I kind of asked him like, Hey, like what's going on here? I'm just kind of confused. I just want

to sort of get it out there. Like, so you have a wife and he's like, Oh yeah, I love my wife. Which I mean, kind of was was crazy and I couldn't wrap my head around it forever and then I just kind of stopped trying to understand why he was doing what he was doing okay and I and I wanted to kind of understand why I was doing what I was doing and like I said I think it was I mean I had a really negative, um, idea about men and relationships and that sort of thing. Um, so long story short, uh, end of last year. So end of 2020 was the last time we slept together.

We slept together a couple of times over, um, quarantine and stuff, which is kind of crazy to me, but it happened. Anyway, so the last time we slept together, I had a pregnancy scare and that sort of snapped me into reality when I started thinking of any and all possibilities. Like if I had the baby or didn't have, you know, I just kind of was like, wait a minute. I might add that he has kids and a family. So I kind of I don't know if that makes any difference. So anyways, I at that point had decided, you know what? Enough is enough. Clearly, I thought it was just going to kind of fizzle off after like a year or so.

And it just never did. He would always reach out and it was kind of like ball was in my court. If I wanted to do it, we'd do it. If we didn't, if I didn't, we didn't. Um, so basically he still messages me and I finally cut it off. I want to say in and around February. Um, he had said like, let me know when you want me to come over again. And I just basically said, like, you can't come over anymore. And he thought it was because I had a boyfriend. I was like, no, no, no. I just I can't be a part of something that would destroy me if I was on the other side of it. And he was like, I understand. understand like I'm really sorry to put you in this position I'll try

and not message you but like I I might still reach out every now and again to see how you are because I really do care what was your response to that I mean I didn't mean, I thought it was pretty funny because I don't know. It's hard to, it's hard to take his words seriously if, I mean, he's telling me that he loves his wife and he cares about me, but he's doing what he's doing. So, um, I mean, it is what it is. Like, I don't, I don't know. I kind of care. I believe him sort of, I don't know. Yeah. I i believe i'm sort of i don't know yeah i mean

you clearly care you're you're you're here sharing your story so what's your question what are you trying to figure out um okay so basically so that happened i ended it he said i'll try and not reach out and basically he's still reaching out it's i mean he's reaching out I'm not working right now because of COVID um we opened up for a little bit so my industry opened back up so he had literally reached out to me just to see if I was going back to work randomly and I was like why do you care and then we kind of chatted a bit and then a week or so later he's messaging me like sexually driven texts which I didn't even respond to I just left it but basically I'm just I don't know what to do do I block him do I just ignore it like I feel like I've done my job in saying you you know, like, I'm done. I can't do this anymore. This is wrong, whatever. And he's clearly not respecting that. Yeah. Well, when you when you said what did you say to him when he said, I will try not to reach out to you?

and he was like uh i guess and then i was like well what are we really doing at the end of the day and he was like fair enough as you know i can't argue anything but you suck lol and i was like honestly i can't wait he said you suck yeah but why do you like to play what i suck because i'm ending it basically he likes to play the victim card a lot like he likes to make me feel bad if i ever bring up the wife he'll like end the conversation immediately he's very childish um so basically i was like i just can't be a part of something that would destroy me if i was on the other side um i was like there's probably more to the story but that's the simplest answer and the more to the story was the pregnancy part but i wasn't even going to get into that um so he was like, there's probably more to the story, but that's the simplest answer. And the more to the story was the pregnancy part. But I wasn't even going to get into that.

So he was like, tell me the rest. But I know and I honestly appreciate the honesty. And then I, oh, that's what I said. I was like, I hope I'm the only other one. I was like, and you stop what you're doing. You said this to him? Yeah. And I said, but I guess that's not my business.

And then. Well, that's not really the point. The point is, is that your gut tells you that you're probably not the only one. And you're probably right. Oh, I've never, I've never really thought that I was the only one. I mean, he said that I am. But again, how do I believe that? He's a liar.

Doesn't really have. Well, exactly. Right. So basically, my question is just, what what do i do what do you think you should do well not respond okay yeah and i so i should block him like i mean i've done the deleting of the number and he still texts and like when we delete it the leading of the number is not going to stop him from texting it's just going to, make you like spend about six seconds being like, Oh, who is this again? Oh yeah. It's Chad. Sounds like a Chad. I think, I hope that you know what you should do. Right. I mean,

you've been kind of shitty if I'm being honest. Right. And I think, you know, that I hope that you understand that and, and not to try to come down on you too hard, but you were incredibly selfish a few years ago and you recognize that, that you were going through your own bullshit and you decided to only focus on your needs, which can be good at times. I often give that advice to people, but how you go about being selfish makes a big difference, right? Like, you know, selfish in terms of prioritizing your needs, you know, and that in healthy ways, not necessarily prioritizing your needs at the expense of other people's pain. Right. Which is what you did to someone, you know, and that includes people you don't necessarily know or call friends.

It's like, you know, I do believe in karma type of thing. Right. Well, you know, it's good that you recognize it now and it doesn't mean you can't do better and change your path and and and people do make mistakes right and and i hope that you learn from it like it's you're better off just kind of being honest with yourself about what you did and how you might have affected someone else i think that will uh help you feel better about yourself i mean i don't know if you listen to the episode with Logan Urie talking about ghosting and how ghosting can make ourselves feel shitty about ourselves. I mean, same principles apply, you know, like you may have

laughed it off or been dismissive or told yourself, it's not my problem. I don't know her, but short of you being real fucking like shitty at your core there i'm sure every time you did that you probably lost a little bit of yourself or felt some underlying guilt and and shame about it right which is assuming why you eventually decided to cut it off you needed a wake-up call when it came to like this pregnancy scare about like what the fuck am i doing right yeah yeah yet you still you're still wondering about all this because you loved the validation he gave you. He liked when it reached out.

Every time he reaches out right now, and the reason why you haven't blocked him is because before you start like getting mad at him and questioning what is he really doing, it makes you feel good. You're right. You're completely right. I knew you were going to say all this. So like you need to like kind of, you know, grow up and hold yourself a little bit more accountable.

And yes, block him. You know, like you're right. It's not, unfortunately, it's not your problem to make him be a better husband, right? Like you did what you did. It was wrong. Now you're trying to move on. But you know, you should block him. You're leaving the door open because it makes you feel good and like you're telling yourself well like the fact that you

deleted his number and you try to convince yourself that that was actually doing anything is kind of funny you know it's not funny you know like you you knew it wasn't doing anything but it was like well i don't i'm not really ready to block him because deep doubt i like it when he reaches out because it lets him lets me know that he's thinking about me that i am like he misses me that like i turn him on or whatever it is but like all you are to him is like not his wife and trust me when i say like he's definitely doing this with other people like this guy definitely sucks he's he doesn't love anyone but himself um i i really really sympathize with his

wife like you you don't call him a friend anymore do you you know i mean he was never like when i said old friend i meant like i've known him for years through a mutual friend like we just know each other we were never like prior to sleeping together we never like hung out we just i we knew the same people and we're in the same age group so i mean yeah he's he i mean he calls himself an asshole all the time like it's yeah that's just you know that's just a manipulation tactic yeah it's a hundred percent and i know you're right okay i'll block them yeah i mean you should block them you chrissy on a scale of one to ten how do i smell how do you smell like yeah from martana you smell delightful well just generally you smell really

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and you know going forward you should be an advocate for you know the people you don't know and and again you should believe in karma and there's a difference between you know something not being your problem and just doing the right thing right eventually like you said like you know, something not being your problem and just doing the right thing. Right. Eventually, like you said, like, you know, you're still looking for love. You're you want to find your maybe not. I don't know. Maybe you enjoy.

No, no, no. And I mean, well, that's that was kind of I mean, the whole for a very long time. I didn't. I mean, it's funny that you mentioned that episode because I quite literally listened to it yesterday and my bad breakup i was actually ghosted we lived together and he traveled for work and he was away for work and just literally didn't come home and stop talking to me so i was i was beyond broken at the time so i I hate that that's my excuse, but it just kind of came into my life and it sort of happened.

But now I'm at a place where, no, I'm happy and I'm content with myself and I definitely see that what I'm doing, if it came out, would destroy a family potentially. Yeah, I think it's important we don't weaponize our pain. We have a tendency of doing that a lot. So it's like, well, I hurt, and therefore, like,

everything I'm doing is, like, all falls under the protection of I'm hurting. And then, you know, it becomes like a weapon that we use on people. You know, this happened to me, and there's a justification, and then that can impact there's a ripple effect of it affecting other people that you've never met right someday if she doesn't know yet she is going to face the reality of what her husband's been doing to her and it's going to hurt her and if she operates on the same premise that you've been operating she's going to start hurting other people out there i mean think of the butterfly effect that

your actions have particularly taken a toll and not to make you feel worse. I like a lot of people do it. You're not the only one, but like that's where you have to stop being so selfish in a toxic way and be selfish in a more nurturing, loving, loving way to yourself. And again, as I've mentioned this another episode, that means like holding yourself accountable to your actions. I'm like, this is this one guy who gave you attention. Like you can't find attention from like single available people. But, you know, I'm sure there's a part of like that, you know, toxic energy that our egos love is that there was something about him desiring you, even though he was married. I mean, listen, that's what, you know, those fantasies, they can be hot and sexual

and turn you on. And, you know, sometimes if you role play with partners about those things, but there's a difference between knowing when to cutting off a fantasy and making it a reality, you know, and you're living out these dark fantasies and you need to, you know, stop doing that. I mean, I will say i have not slept with him in 2021 that was my goal was like you are going into 2021 and it's not gonna happen set your bar higher for your goals like your goal should be be higher than like not being shitty right yes but that was like the baseline of my catapulting into stop doing what I'm doing. Yeah.

I mean, and then maybe one side thing is going forward, blocking him, whatever. Um, I feel like I'm slightly tainted now. Like I just, what do you mean?

Well, I mean, among him and many other people that I know or have just experienced, there's just so much cheating. And it's like, how do you how do I not take that baggage into like a new relationship? Like, I mean, you just have to be honest with yourself about the actions that you have. Don't make excuses for it. Don't sugarcoat it. But don't, you know, own it, right?

And don't use it as a way to define, you know, like your weakness. You know, I don't know if I'm saying it right, but like just own it and be accountable for it. And don't use it to make excuses for your actions, right? Like I said, like weaponizing our pain. Like we have a way of being like, oh, I was wrong. And now going forward, as long as I just lead with the fact that shitty things have happened to me, now I can just be shitty to other people. And it's, well, because I, you know, I was wrong. It's fine.

If you want to do that, again, that's going to perpetuate the problem in this kind of like circle of dating. So the next person you date isn't going to be perfect. I don't know what they're going to be guilty of, but they're going to be guilty of something. Right. You know? Um, and the big thing is this in a dating situation, if I meet someone, right. Dating, like I'm not looking for, uh, I like I damaged, not broken. I think there's a difference, right? You know, we're all damaged a little bit, right? Right. Have we've been fixed? Have we worked on ourselves? You know, whether that requires therapy, a recognition of mistakes I've made in the past,

an acknowledgement of what I did wrong and how I learned about it. I think that's important. You know, like if I'm dating, you know, in a dating situation, it scares me. If my girlfriend was just like, I've done nothing wrong ever. I have no regrets. And I'm like, fuck, that's terrifying. Right. I don't care if she's like, I fucked up. I made a mistake. And this is what I learned.

This is why I'm not doing it in the future. This is how I went about changing my actions. And that's comforting to me to have her recognize that. That means there's a less likely chance that she will do it to me, you know, and there's various degrees, right? I mean, yeah. Like if someone's like, I've cheated on every boyfriend, but now I've learned that there's a bit of a risk that I'm the first person she's trying out this new her from, you know? And so it's all going to, don't wear it as baggage, just own it. You know, do something about it. You know,

and you have a ways to go. Yeah. Because if I met you tomorrow and you dated and I heard this story, I'd be like, well, fuck.

You're, this guy's still in the picture. Right. Right. Because you're like investing energy and time and you haven't blocked him and you have to think

about blocking him. It should be such a no brainer. But he brings value into your life it's not good value it's toxic value and it's only like doing like giving you short-term gratification but it is value like you're seeing it as value which is why this decision has been hard for you and so like you just need to still get past that see it's funny because when you say that like it's not even hard for me really i just like you said i don't think you're being honest with yourself about that i think you recognize that it shouldn't be hard and i know that you can do it obviously i don't think you know i'm sure that even when you get off the phone when we get off this call you probably will do it

but like don't like if if it was so easy you would have done it because the the answer is obvious right right and i knew that writing in sure but then why didn't you do it again i'm not trying to like but i recognize that it is hard for you and the fact that it is hard for you is telling that you have some work to do in yourself. And that's okay. We all do. But pretending that you don't have work to do is going to stop you from doing the work, right? And you're worried about like, oh, I feel like baggage. I feel like damaged goods now.

I feel guilt and shame for what I did. So if I meet a great guy and he finds this out about me, what is he going to think of me? Well, sure. These are all fair questions to ask ourselves ourselves so instead of pretending that you're fine and you get it and you have no work to do just own what you did and then reevaluate why you did what you did and like it's you were hurt you were broken and you got short-term gratification it made you feel got your and i was fucking selfish along the way and i used my own bullshit and my like i

i turned me trying to like focus on myself into me being selfish and toxic rather than like you know focusing myself to not let other people be toxic to me you know right so and then i'm just worried that i'm not going to trust a great guy because well i mean like again i don't know what did like he clicked i'm sure you can go back and figure out ways that he lied to you or he lied to his wife or or his activity i mean yeah there's no guarantees you know i, I've attracted the shitty guys. Yeah. Because I've been in a shitty place.

Those are choices you're making, you know, because you're the only constant in your dating life, right? So, and there's shit you can do about it. Like, you can, so, I mean, listen, I think anyone can benefit from seeing a therapist. So I don't think there's anything specifically wrong with you other than like you just need a little bit of a nudge. Got some shit. Yeah.

So. I appreciate it. Definitely block him and on all forms. Blocking his phone number but not blocking him on social isn't blocking him. Oh, I can tell you he's blocked on social. I mean, some shit went down and it just rocked me. Nothing will get this guy off more than knowing he's partially blocked but finding a way to reconnect with you. Right.

Okay. And so he might even go away for six months but all he did like his his climax won't be him literally physically getting off you're right like all having sex it will be to get you to give in oh it you're 100 right i mean i could not respond for six months and he'll still reach out yeah because that payoff that payoff for him is just like, it's like a drug. It's better than sex for him. Gross. I've never felt grosser about it than talking about it with you.

Okay. Fine. You're right. All right. Yep. Well, best of luck. All right. Thank you.

Take care. I appreciate it. All right. Bye-bye. Thanks. Bye. Bye. Well, best of luck. Awesome.

All right. Thank you. Take care. I appreciate it. All right. Bye-bye. Thanks. Bye.

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happen how's it going i'm doing well nick and yourself i'm great what's your name michelle how old are you 29 from las vegas how can i help well you know i was in this relationship for um don't laugh but it was about a month and a half okay and I haven't been in a relationship in like seven years I was just always trying to like get my career whatever I got my career going and so I go on hinge meet this guy and he's basically like and i don't know because i've been out of the dating world for so long so this might be a question for you making all these like promises like i'm so happy you're my girlfriend i like you so much every day he asked me to be his girlfriend after um our second date and i was hesitant because i'm not like huge on commitment

but i was like oh why not that's why you were hesitant because you're not huge on commitment yeah i think so not because he couldn't possibly know enough of information about you to like want to commit to you i guess that too it was a it was a small red flag i think i called it an orange flag okay um because it could go green or red depending how it goes anyway um so a small orange flag and then but i commit and then after like a month you said yes yeah okay i was like well why not like the spark was there i liked him okay it's been a while so then after like a month we're together all the time he's constantly he makes me feel so secure so stable he asked me to move in with him in less than a month in less than two months? Yeah. Okay. So that freaks me out a little bit.

I'm like, first, no. But second, like, maybe we should slow things down. Like, this is getting a little too quick. And he's like, okay, we can slow down. But, like, definitely still be exclusive. And I'm like, yeah, for sure. So I was like, you know what I'll like do something nice because he asked me to like move into at least like put stuff in a spare bathroom because

I don't leave anything at his house and so I went out got like a bunch of like beauty products and everything like that left him in his bathroom that same night he me, not even a call, text me and goes, I just don't think we're compatible. So I call him, he answers. I'm like, dude, are you really breaking up with me over text? This is weird. And he's like, No, but like, I just don't think we're compatible. And since then, it was just like, it's just been crazy. It it's like he went back on it he's like no I do want to be with you he broke up with me three different times in one week now he's like I want to be friends at one point he blocked me from everything and then is calling me asking me if I'm sending him this like std text like everything's just gotten out of hand. But I don't know why.

I feel like I was very attached. You know what I mean? So for a week, I was just a mess. How could he break up with me after me feeling so secure and stable? Well, because you were

believing like well because you were believing like you were putting value into his moving quickly without any substance behind it you were buying in to like how fast he was going even though you even recognize that you know orange flag red flag whatever you want to call it but you were putting value behind that right like and like it it was like yeah you were like self-aware enough to call it an orange flag or a red flag and say that's moving too fast but you didn't go further and saying like why it is a red flag right like you know and that listen you haven't dated in a while and i'm sure it felt good to have someone like say nice things and make you feel good about yourself and it's always nice to receive

a compliment so like you're inclined to want to believe them right and it's great to hear get compliments is you know the compliments compliments should be based off of something, right? So if you're on a couple dates and you're going out and you're having conversations and they say, oh, God, you're just a compliment. You're pretty. Well, they can say you're pretty based off of what they think you look like that day, right? But if they say, oh, you're so so kind there should be a reason why they are able to say that they all saw you being courteous to the you know the waiter or going out of your way

or asking like you know like for example like my girlfriend is like she's so she has such a good soul like she's so present and like when we go grocery shopping she's like asking the cashier about their day it's not something that comes natural to me it does for her and she's such a kind warm-hearted person i notice those specific things and that's why i'm complimenting her right and she knows why i'm complimenting her because i can reference the specific thing that she's doing that i find to be like attractive and kind right and i think sometimes when we are early in early dating situations and we want to hear compliments we're just like we're

not asking ourselves why are they saying what they're saying you know and if they're if they're just like saying nice things and they're like well i don't i don't know why they think that of me i haven't really done anything to show them this you know then then it's like why are they saying it right i agree because he was like such a yes man and so nice i'm like do you care about anything because it would be like i would like bring up something that like i didn't like for example he has like five guns and they weren't in a safe and there was like a shotgun and whatever. And it was all out. And I'm like, dude, can you just put this in the safe when I come over?

Yeah, of course. Or it was like he asked me on date one if I wanted kids. I'm like, yeah, I would like to adopt a kid. Like, that's something I've always wanted to do. He's like, oh, cool. Like, me too. I could do that and like have one of my own. Like, okay. How old is this guy he's 28 28 okay yeah yeah so you know he's relatively young i mean it sounds like a lot of

people a lot of guys do it too and i think you know when men and women are just as guilty like he was defining compatibility by like meeting these measurables he set for himself like you know first you, defining a relationship, moving in, deciding to have kids. This is these like big moments. He was measuring like compatibility based on how fast it was progressing. Like if it's not growing, it's dying kind of mentality.

So that's all he really focused on, sounds like, right? And as soon as you shut down that progress, he decided it wasn't going to, wasn't compatible was based and that was his only measurable he wasn't progressing the relationship based off of like things happening in the relationship he was just trying to progress the relationship simply based off of the fact that like i went on this date with this nice girl when we had fun i don't know she seems nice enough like she makes me feel like i should be responsible because she told me to put my guns away fuck it let's move in and get married i mean it sounds nutty but like a lot of people will do that right they they'll you know just kind of living up to like what they see out

there in the world and it's like oh as long as long as we're moving the relationship forward then that's a good thing and that's not always a good thing sometimes you're moving it too quickly right and i think that's a sign of a lot of immaturity and the fact that he's 28 shows that he's pretty immature emotionally from a relationship standpoint but hey it's like some unfortunately sometimes the new norm these days right but he was basing it off of nothing right so when you ask yourself like i can't believe he was saying all these nice things and then blindsided me out of nowhere.

It wasn't out of nowhere. He just like, he had no real information. Like how much can you really know about someone in two months? Nothing. Especially when you're not even asking the questions. Like he wasn't really focusing on like really getting to know you. He was focusing on you're nice enough.

Let's just move it forward. i could see that so this one i have to look forward to and dating like just like empty lies and promises no i mean this is one dude right like you're basing all of this on one guy right like yeah you knew you already knew it was fast right but you know for whatever reason because you he was nice good looking charming enough you were just like i don't know all i know is this guy wants to move me to move in with him and that feels good so you you know so next time don't do that don't don't uh don, you know, maybe I'm just the skeptic, but like, be okay with questioning the compliment. You know, especially if you're just like, why? I mean, yeah, I know I'm great, but like you, I haven't, like, why do you say that?

You know, especially if it feels a bit insincere. Because again, dating is tough and like it you can get nervous with people and yes it's nice to want to be kind and complimentary to someone but if you're actually trying to get to know someone you make sure they're paying attention to you and listening and actually observing you right and they're not just like wanting a girlfriend or a guy for it that's not wanting someone to hang out with or move in with them and play the role or play house. And he was wanting to skip all that and you were buying into it.

That's just one person, right? So like next time you go on a date, if it feels like it's moving too fast, it probably is. He wanted to find the relationship in two dates. I mean, they don't even do that in the bachelor you know like and and did the date last 48 straight hours no probably you know and what did you really talk about i don't know just that yeah just so what's to define yeah yeah but that's the thing is when he like broke up with me and i was like okay well what are your reasons he brought up everything that he was like a yes man about before the gun thing the i would actually never

be okay with adopting so then it's like okay so i was just lied to him in this entire month and a half yeah i guess but you also lied to yourself and that's what you can control i mean i can't depict who you're gonna go on a relationship with but like you knew it was moving too fast and you went along with it you knew right away that it seemed a little nuts that he was trying to like define the relationship on a second date but you're like i don't know fuck it the guy wants to date me who am i to judge you know and the truth is when it comes to adoption that's one of those things that like sounds nice right i mean there's probably a lot of people like hey listen that's mean, there's probably a lot of people like, hey, listen, that's not for me. There's a lot of people like, especially early on a date, they don't want to be like, I don't know, I'd never fucking adopt.

But like it certainly sounds nice to be so selfless that you would bring like a young person or, you know, anyone who needs a home. Yeah. But like, who knows? Sometimes we're kind of figuring those things out. And the less we pay attention on dates, the more it's going to? Sometimes we're kind of figuring those things out. And the less we pay attention on dates, the more it's going to feel like we're lied to. But like that person was kind of lying to him. You know, he's just trying to fit in. It wasn't, this is not like some sort of Machiavellian situation where you manipulated for years and he had a second family. The guy just

like wanted to sound like a good guy and said he would be into adopting. And then, you know, again, he didn't break up with you because you know, again, he didn't break up with you because he didn't want, he didn't want to adopt, right? He broke up with you because he's immature and he was valuing, like just moving forward over anything else. He wasn't, this isn't about compatibility. It was about like him having a very immature idea of what a relationship is and what compatibility is and thank god you finally said no to crazy right and now you're upset that crazy doesn't want you anymore is that it do you feel like it's like an ego thing like well what what about him what about

losing him are you so upset about just so like how i think how blindsided i was no no that's not what i asked what about him are you upset about losing assuming you no longer get all the great things he brings to your life what are those things that you're so like you can't live without i think it was just like the hope of like what it could be yeah nothing. The answer to that question is there's not one damn thing you can name that you're sad about losing. So you're not sad about losing him. Yeah. I guess like someone

to chill with. Sure, yeah. I get that. Plenty of people want to chill with you. Get back out there. Take your swings. And there will be more people, if you're authentic and you're yourself, there'll be more people who don't like you than like you. And there'll be more people you don gonna like and and there will be more people if you're authentic and you're yourself there'll be more people who don't like you than like you and then there'll be more people you don't like than you like right and that's why dating is hard for everyone the worst got it you

know but you have to go out there and be willing to fail and not take it personally every time someone's like you know what you're not the person i want to spend the rest of my life with you don't want to spend the rest of my life with. You don't want to spend the rest of your life with them either. Yeah, because that's like you start to question yourself. Like, what did I do? And then you're analyzing everything. Well, again, I always say the first date for sure and the first couple dates should be more about you figuring out

whether you want them in your life and let them worry about whether they want you in your life. But more often than not, we're just want to go on first dates and hoping that person likes us. And we spend no time actually getting to know them, you know? So if you're, if that was your focus on the first or second date,

then you would have been, then if you would have been focusing on, is this someone that I want to invest in and not worry about them liking you, then you most more likely than not would have been like, wait, this guy's asking me who I know nothing about really to commit to him. Why am I giving up the possibility of something else? I'm giving up the option to look for something great and i'm giving it up based off not knowing anything about this guy other than the fact the only thing i know about him is he wants to be with me and and that was good enough for you then that shouldn't be good enough for you that definitely should not be right yeah so it's hard you know just you just be like if people

aren't gonna like you people aren't gonna like everybody that's okay and i think that's a little it seems like that's something you're struggling with and and part of it is like yeah you weren't dating i think you need to date more i think you need to go out there and you need to kind of you know a little bit of toughen up it's like it's the equivalent of working out like if you don't work out for seven years and then you go like go to the gym one day and be like, oh, I'm fucking going for it today. You're not gonna be able to move the next day.

And you're just like, oh, working out's hard. I'm not doing that again. And that's kind of what you are doing to yourself by like not exercising those muscles. And those muscles are conversation, rejection, like checking your ego out the door, like not giving in to like instant gratification and early validation um you know focusing on like what what you're

getting from them and not you know and and and those are just muscles you need to exercise that you haven't been so part of it is like you just need to get back out there and instead of like crawling back into like a non-dating hole keep going on those apps. Keep swiping. You're right. Yeah, because right after I was like, okay, fuck dating, but now I'm like, you're right. I should just go get out there. Yeah, one last quick question.

He wants to be friends. Should I just cut communication? Yeah. Again, if you can name one thing that he actually brings value to your life then we can consider being his friends but i don't understand like the only thing you want the only thing that he can offer right now is the idea that he might want you around and your ego apparently thinks that's great but there's nothing about him

apparently thinks that's great but there's nothing about him that's doing i actually want around yeah it's just an ego thing yeah it is you're 100 right okay answer that thank you all right all right all right i appreciate it all right best of luck thanks all right bye-bye bye hi i'm sarah i'm at 27 and i live in new york what's up sarah how can i help Thanks. All right. Bye-bye. Bye. Hi, I'm Sarah. I'm 27 and I live in New York. What's up, Sarah? How can I help? Hi.

So if I need to give a little bit more or a little less detail anywhere, that's fine. Just let me know. I guess so in December, I met a guy off a dating app. And we started talking, we started going on dates, everything was going really smoothly. And it seemed like he was just like very emotionally available and ready for a relationship. We like acknowledged that we were dating and had like conversations about what we felt makes a relationship work. like conversations about what we felt makes a relationship work. He said things like, oh, like my mom's gonna love you. Or like, he would like all of his friends knew about me. And like, I'd met some of them over FaceTime. And they had been like, oh, like, can't wait to meet you

one day. Some of them were in like quarantine because they had a COVID exposure. So that's why like it wasn't an in person meeting. But But I just, like, felt very confident that, like, he was very ready for a relationship. And then in February, he went home for a couple weeks. And when he was home, we, like, texted and FaceTimed. And then he came back. And it turned out that when he was home, And then he came back and it turned out that when he was home, he had found out that his dad was having an affair. And it was like a very crazy, crazy story affair. Like it wasn't like just like a simple like dad cheated on mom once. And so the story was really wild. And I like didn't really know that that was going on.

And I had like chosen that time to bring up having the exclusive conversation and so I brought up the exclusive conversation like he like he came back to the city we went out to dinner and then we went back like he was going through this family trauma and you're like this is a good time to try to define the relationship so I was unaware about the family okay so this is just like a coincidence all right so i knew that he went home um and i knew that he had a fight with his sister but like i didn't realize how bad his situation was and that hadn't come out yet so we went to dinner we went back to his place i bring up the exclusive conversation and then his response is like he told me everything that was

going on and everything that he found out and said that he because of all that he didn't feel like he was in a place where he could give me what I deserved he felt I deserved in a relationship at this time but that he liked me he hadn't been seeing other people and that if it wasn't for this family situation he like would have been totally down to like give this a shot um and so like the whole story that was going on like he it was like a two or three hour conversation of him telling me what's going on um and like I'm sure that there was like more that like we didn't even get to um I did end up still like spending the night and we left it off as like we both think of like whether like with his situation like we would keep seeing each other or like just take a few days to process and then a few days later, I felt ready to like,

like I felt like I wanted to stick around even if that wasn't like, like with, even if it wasn't just like the him contributing the same amount of time to a relationship that would like normally be going on or that kind of thing. And then I felt like very shut down and he essentially said that he could only be friends at this point in time um so where I am now is I feel like I've kind of moved on from the situation but I am just like curious on like your take in terms of like was like like if there's

like something like like how I take this and like turn it into something that i can do better with in the future and if there's like things to be learning from this situation just because i felt so confident and like where the relationship was before well i mean i don't know maybe not right i mean the way you're telling the story is that the person you were dating, getting to know, had a traumatic event in his life, right? Learned some things about his parents that can be very traumatic for people, right? As we get older as adults, we kind of see our parents as more human than these kind of almost godlike people in our lives that can do no wrong. And that can be very traumatic. Right.

So it would make sense why it would fuck them up a little bit and make them not ready to date. For all you know, who knows? Like, and that sounds totally valid. Right. I mean, there's always like maybe he uses an excuse and didn't really like you. I don't know. But that seems really like a valid excuse. And sometimes like that's just bad timing right so i think you know sometimes

when people say things like that like it might be true like oh if it weren't for that i we would would date and he's also saying because you know it's a nice thing he wants he doesn't want to hurt your feelings and he feels bad and and that way it might be easier for you to accept it's like it's a nice thing. He doesn't want to hurt your feelings and he feels bad. And that way, it might be easier for you to accept. It's like, it's not you, it's me. And in this situation, that might actually be true, but it doesn't change the fact that he might not be ready to be in a relationship. And good for you for while sticking around a little bit, eventually you sounds like you're just like, hey, I'm not getting enough out of this. So I need to move on. And which is what you should have done, right?

A lot of people will then take that problem, and that person will be, oftentimes, I wasn't sure where this was going, but he would be like, hey, I'm not ready to date right now, but let's still be friends. And that way, then he has all the power, right? Then you're constantly responding to his needs on his time. And he always has this built-in excuse of like, oh, well, I'm fucked up again because of my family. And sometimes those types of relationships can drag on for months or years, right? So you didn't do that.

So I think that's great, right? And you moved on from that. I don't know how much more you can take away from the fact that sometimes shitty things can happen and affect people's ability to focus on getting to know a stranger to develop and bud a relationship. Whether or not he figures this shit out and gets maybe therapy or just kind of processes this event so that he allows him to get back out there and successfully

and productively date and get to know someone, there's a chance, I guess, you guys can reconnect. I certainly wouldn't wait around for this to happen, you know. So from what you're telling me, it almost sounds relatively positive. I don't know how much more you can really take away from this other than like, I thought you did, it sounds like you did a good job of accepting the situation for what it was, not making any excuses and moving on, you know, not reading into it, not letting your ego tell you that you can change him or he needs you to be there for him and not letting him make you feel guilty for wanting to move on, which, you know, so I think those are all good things. That all makes sense. I think my like follow up question to that is like at this point, he is like very emotionally not available. And like when we first met, he didn't know that this was all going on and

he seemed more emotionally available so i guess like what i'm just wondering for like future dating is like how to be picking up on if someone is emotionally not available or let's just like in some way like avoiding emotionally unavailable men well again like this situation something specific happened right um like are they is he trying to get to know you are you guys connecting on emotional levels like pay attention to questions he's asking you like we've had conversations about like guys being like hey when was the last time you had sex like that sounds like a person very interested in sex right like the you know when you're getting to know someone when you're dating, the conversation should be more open-ended because they don't know anything about you

and they should be curious in getting to know you, right? Like, they should be asking you questions, you should be asking them questions. And the questions they ask will show what they're interested in getting to know, right? And if two people are naturally interested in getting to know each other, And if two people are naturally interested in getting to know each other, then that's when the conversations flow more naturally

and then you can dive deeper as a comfort level grows and then more specifics. And the more open they are and the more questions they want to get to know you and the more open they are with their answers, it's a good sign that they're in a position to like really want to get to know someone and invest. If they're more closed off and guarded

and things like that, to like really want to get to know someone and invest if they're more closed off and guarded and and you know things like that and that means like you know or or just focus on sex then their priorities are a little uh different so i think maybe just pay attention to the questions that they ask you right and do they follow up with you and things like that and you know part of that is just like some a lot of those, they just might not be into you or you might not be into them. You know, as far as worrying about guys being closed off, what I wouldn't do is, yeah,

use this as an excuse for future people you date for like people who just might not be into you and vice versa. Yeah. You know, again, go back to to like he's not scared right you know he just doesn't like you or and yeah and and she's not scared she just doesn't like you you know for the guys right this is a very specific thing it happened so he you were dating a guy who while you were dating found out some really tough shit about his family that's very specific and a lot of people

will experience these things but not like in the moment they're getting to know someone right so you know as you get to know someone they'll they'll be more and more willing to open up to you doesn't mean that they do it on a first or second date but you know you should feel like eventually if you build a comfort level of someone and you open up about an insecurity you have the person who's like ready to progress that relationship would naturally want to share a story about something they might be insecure about you know and there's a you kind of match each other's vulnerability and you just got to pay attention to those things okay this is helpful i kept like playing it back in my head and trying

to figure out if there was something that i did wrong but um not unless you were the woman your dad had his dad had sex with i think you're fine no i think we're good there yeah okay listen some people aren't gonna like you yeah that's okay you don't have to reverse engineer that and figure out what you could have done differently just accept it and move on you know those people you're not gonna like either yeah yeah you're just looking for one it's not a it's not a campaign campaign. You're not out there hitting the road getting everyone's vote. Yeah, that makes sense. Okay. Well, thank you. I appreciate it. All right. Best of luck. Thanks. All right. Bye-bye. Bye. How's it going? Good. What's your name?

Anna. I'm 26 from Canada. Hi, Anna. How can I help? Okay, so I actually emailed about this story before the next part came up. But July last year, 2020, I went back on the dating apps. And it was mostly just for the purpose of like, the pandemic's been a while. I'll just meet someone. I wasn't really looking to date at the time. Like I wasn't eager to at least. And I started talking to a guy and he's from my city, but was just there during the pandemic, staying with family. And right away when we started talking, he told me his profession, his career and that he'd be moving to Europe.

He doesn't know when, but soon. So right away I knew it would be a casual thing. We didn't disclose that, but I just automatically sort of assumed. And so he was from my city, a professor in another city like further up north in Ontario okay um six years older than me so I'm 26 he's 32 and so we started talking and I wasn't expecting anything serious with him um and so we started talking uh but weird things were coming up before our first date so we were texting for a few weeks. I was honestly going to give up on it and not go out with him because I noticed a few things like he never really asked me about me, how I'm doing, all that stuff. Very much talked about himself a lot, all of that.

And then until one night, he said something to me that kind of bothered me. And I was just kind of like, well, I'm not going to bother with this anymore um and then he messaged me after that and said like let's go out later this week let me know when so we set up a date um the day before that date he I had a voicemail a voice sorry I had a voicemail from him and I listened to it and it was a voicemail of him um getting a blow job from a woman which was strange and alarming so i was not going to go on the date with him i messaged him after and said how did you know he was getting a blow job sorry it might not it could have been anything he was talking to a woman and then something started happening and there was moaning and then i just exited the call and said hey you left me a voicemail and he never asked there wasn't a lot

slurping and and uh there was talk like suck my there was like there was weird it was weird there was like sounds and then just like he was moaning and it sounded like from one side so that's my guess okay so i was like i'm never gonna go out with this guy um there's a butt coming there's a butt coming yeah but then i obviously went out because it's a year later so i clearly went out with him but what ended up happening is so i had a date with another guy the next day hold on did you bring anything up like when you got this voicemail and you're oh yeah yeah i texted him and said lol i first no no i said lol you left me a voicemail and then he just replies lol and he never asked me what it was and then later on at one point a few days later when he was talking to me i said like oh you left me a

voicemail when you were on a date it was awkward and he said he was with his sister so i just was like i'm gonna drop it i've never met this guy so this is before you met in person so so i'm gonna tell you the next part and it'll i think it'll be a little more clear but uh i was annoyed and i was like i'm not gonna meet this guy but then i thought about it and i'm like i haven't met him he's allowed to see other people this isn't gonna be anything serious whatever like i wasn't planning for it to be anyways and uh I mean I found him hot and I knew he was going to move to Europe and I'm just like whatever but so what happened is I go on another date it was nice and then that we had our date coming up and then that night um after a said date with another guy I texted him back I was busy and suddenly we had our first like good conversation and we really hit it off.

And it was like the first time he actually asked about me. It was interesting. But we had a really, really good talk. How many conversations did you have with a guy before he finally asked about you? It was like two weeks of us talking. And then at that point it was only because I said. Did you talk every day? He would message me pretty much every day, yeah.

And so two weeks after that, you felt like, oh, holy shit. He asked me a question about me. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Continue. Continue. So to sort of skip ahead.

So that happened. And then he had to go on a trip or something for a few days. So I just said, we actually canceled our date. He said like, oh, it's going to be early. And then at that point, I'm like, I give up with this. And I'm just said, all right. And he says, I want to reschedule. And I said, then just message me when you get back. He messaged me nonstop while he was gone. And that was the point when we started talking more. But you had you met him in person yet? No. So I'm about to meet him in person as he comes back. So we have a date set up for Thursday next week once he's back on Monday. So question, while this is all going on, are you still on the apps and dating other people?

Yes. I'm dating other people all the time. I had went on that date with the other guy that night, whatever. I'm also really busy with work, stuff like that. And I'd only met, because of COVID and stuff, I only met with a couple guys, right? Like talked to a bunch, whatever. But you didn't drop off and focus on this guy, right? Not yet. Okay. that comes up

at one point but uh and then he's talking to me all weekend while he's gone camping um which i didn't read into i was just like oh whatever and we had some good conversations um really good conversations he's so excited to meet me and he he asked me, like, can we go for our first date early, like right the day I get back? So we he got back on like a Tuesday and he got back late, but he still wanted to see me. So last minute I was going to blow him off and I'm like, yeah, let's go to a bar outside and get some drinks. So we went. I go on first dates or I used to go on first dates a lot. First dates don't make me uncomfortable. I'm very comfortable on first dates or I used to go on first dates a lot. First dates don't make me uncomfortable. I'm very comfortable on first dates.

I don't usually get that nervous, like maybe a little excited, but very comfortable first dates. I've never been more anxious in my life to meet someone ever. So that's notable. And what did you think about that? Did you think that meant anything? Yeah. I mean, mean obviously he said some yeah i mean okay it did but it shouldn't but okay what do you mean it shouldn't i mean well it could mean a bunch of different things like your anxiousness and nervousness around a guy doesn't necessarily mean like he's

like you said you hadn't really met him you were excited but that excitement doesn't necessarily mean anything good or bad about him per se no no and it doesn't so we went on this date you could tell he was nervous we had fun though um it was a fun time we chatted whatever again didn't really ask about me but then later on it was better whatever 30 minutes into the day we were laughing a lot though he asked me like let's still go out for dinner on friday on thursday so um he walked me in my car he talked to me at my car for like two hours and then i left went home and then i saw him two days later for our second date second date went tremendous we had dinner drinks went back to my place sat on my patio, kind of just like

sat there and talked for like hours and hours, had sex after hooked up. But like he stayed very late. And then around three thirty, I was like, OK, I have to work in the morning. But a really, really fun day. Still at this point, I have no expectations for us to date or anything. Actually, I never have. I've never seen myself myself dating this guy but i had a lot of fun that second date like it was memorable for me i don't know if you saw yourself dating but you definitely had expectations i don't know what they are but you definitely had them yeah yeah otherwise invest, you've already invested a shit ton of energy into this person. That would be like almost weird for you to have no expectations. Like, why are you doing this? I would tell him and I would start, I would say things to him. Like, you don't have to text me

every day, all that stuff. And he still would. I didn't want us to talk nonstop. So I know I was investing time in him, but I wanted it to be a bit less right it was like a lot at once suddenly okay anyways continue yeah so that one was really fun it was a great date um we had two more or like actually it was we kept texting it was his birthday he was out of town he came back into whatever, that same night he was texting me. And then at that point, I was just like we were talking and I just said, come over. Notable thing to mention is he called me that night and I was like, are you drunk? Because he started speaking to me another language and he's like, no, but I'm pretty sure he was.

He came over. We hooked up. We hung out till the morning. he came over we hooked up we hung out till the morning um and that was he kept mentioning that that i don't know meant a lot to him not the sex but just like some other stuff so we had a serious i mean like where i just want like i want to fast forward where are we now and what is your question and then we can go back if we need to fill in more details i feel like i have a plenty okay so we hang out four times this is important and then we can go back if we need to fill in more details. I feel like I have a plenty. Okay, so we hang out four times. This is important. And then I just asked him in the last hangout, like, oh, hey, do you know when your flight for Spain is?

Because we keep talking about here and there. He says two weeks. He said he had a great time. He says, oh, I'll see you in a few days. I text him like two days later, just not let's hang out, like just a random text. I never hear from him. He falls off the face of the earth and i was just like huh and i mean i wasn't a big fan but then a month later i get a random i wake up to a random text just kind of saying like sorry my phone died my car

died which whatever um i'm leaving for spain in two days you're amazing it was great to get to know you you're amazing and I just said have a great like flight and trip um and then he also said like I can see you before I leave but I just said have a good flight enjoy living there that was it and I'm just like we're never gonna talk again so that was my expectation I was definitely annoyed um and then December comes around week before before Christmas, and he messages me. He found my phone number, so he, like, WhatsApp messaged me. And then we start talking. And after him talking to me, maybe, like, the third or fourth time in December,

he, one night, just out of nowhere, just goes all in on, like, I had feelings for you. I wanted to date you just all this stuff really like you're the best all this went on and on and on and we spent up until new year is just like talking a lot facetime calls all that um january comes around and i told him like obviously we're not going to be anything um well i didn't say it like that but it was like fast forward to today where are you now okay he is weird all of january i ghost him end of january friday last week so i'm just like i'm done with this guy friday last week he texted me to say hey i'm so sorry like i've

been absent my dad died i'm here in canada okay I, um, don't want to speak to him anymore. Um, yeah, you do. Well, but he messaged me that my dad, his dad died. Uh, we also had a lot of really personal discussions about our fathers. So like, but so I thought I wasn't going to message him because I'm just like, he has friends, he has family, he can go to them. But after a few hours, I just messaged him like, hey, so sorry. So we talked on Friday, did not ask me once how I am. Let me know that he was staying a few streets down from me. That's not true.

Actually, I moved, but he didn't know that. We chatted that day. It was really weird. Still hasn't asked about me was still kind of a dick when we were texting i said i'm really sorry we talked he called me and on that phone call we kind of said like we might hang out this week after friday passed i was just like i shouldn't see him this is a horrible idea i've been caught up on this for months i have been seeing other guys since stuff like that but cannot get this guy out of my head.

Okay. And now here we are. Your question is why you can't get him out of your head or like, what's your, what's your specific question? My specific question. Well, first of all is like,

is it okay if I cut him out of my life without telling him why should I be? Yes. Yes. Next question. Wait, so I don't have to give him a reason I'm allowed to? Yeah. What do you mean? What do you owe him? I guess my big question is why does he keep coming back? And then my second question is why am I so wrapped up in this guy? Well, that's the main question, right? Because from the beginning of a relationship, you've been telling yourself lies

to make yourself feel better about like the pursuit of this guy. All while like he's the power dynamic in this relationship has never been equal. Right. I'm not necessarily blaming him or you specifically. You're probably both at fault, but it's never been equal. You have always been chasing him. Right. And part of your fault has probably been because like you've always

probably downplayed whatever excitement you had you know first of it was like well he's moving anyways right so like it's never gonna happen that might be true but you still allowed yourself to like wait around for him he was always calling the shots he was always determining when you guys were hanging out he left you this voice missile blow job that you decided to like make excuses for and you're right maybe he didn't technically do anything wrong because you guys weren't in a relationship but like it's kind of fucked up that it happened and either way you didn't want to address it like you don't have to be in a relationship with someone or even haven't met them if someone leaves you a voicemail of them sounding like they're getting oral sex given to them, you have a right to like ask about it and be like, did you realize that you did that? Not just blow it off, but whatever reason he had this

power and you kept making excuses for him all like telling you you didn't like him. Oh, I got nervous on our first date. And the reason why you got so nervous on your first date is again, you invested all this time on this person and what you wanted on that first date was him to like you. That's it. You cared so much about that. You cared so much about a guy liking you that you've never met, right?

So you were nervous. That's why you were nervous, right? And you weren't thinking about liking him you deep down decided that you liked him you at that point it was just about getting validation from him right and he was just doing all these things and maybe somewhat deliberately and he was probably doing it naturally because he probably was just being selfish and only caring about his needs and the fact that he was moving and coming and going when he was pleasing and you anytime he came back when he went up and he's coming going on, you know, kind of his convenience. And anytime he did, you are very accommodating.

In the meantime, you just kind of told yourself all these excuses. I don't care. I don't care. It's not a big deal. It's not a big deal. I don't really like him. He's moving, you know, you kept downplaying how you actually felt about it out of fear of saying I like him he's moving you know you kept downplaying how you actually felt about it out of fear of saying i like him and and finding out he doesn't like you so you were just always like on a defensive and lying to yourself about caring which is why you care so much because you've never just like acknowledged that like there's you know like you there were things that attracted to you but you're just been chasing him the whole time and he's that's it you know i mean like this you how it was like the like the biggest takeaway about this is like don't invest in people that you can say and recognize super quickly that you can talk to them all this

time and they don't give a shit about asking you questions like the whole time you're just like trying to prove to him through the fact that like he's constantly he does you knew that he didn't give a shit about getting to know you and so you're just like i want you to get to know me and so let me tell you about you let me like why i want you to pay attention to me you know and he was like through his actions like saying i don't really care and then one day he asked you a question you're like through his actions like saying i don't really care and then one day he asked you a question you're like oh my god like yes this is so exciting what a what a monumental step in our relationship like you gave him so much credit for doing like the smallest thing that's funny one of my friends said that too because i thought he did something

really sweet and she was like that's a very normal thing. Yeah. So, you know, the takeaway here is like, you know, yeah. Why and why you should be able to cut them off. Because like there's, this isn't really like an even relationship. And like, is it the nice thing to do? But right now you've gotten yourself in this kind of, it's a toxic situation. Right. And, and, and you need to get yourself out of it. And probably the easiest way to do that is to just cut him off.

And it's nothing against him, right? He'll be fine. He'll live, right? But this is about protecting yourself. And that's why it's okay, right? Should you do it out of spite? No. Should you do it to get back at him?

No. But if you think the best way to move forward for yourself is to just cut him off, then yes, I think that's okay. Because your intention is to just cut him off. And yes, I think that's okay because your intention is to move forward. Yeah. I have one follow-up question with that because I could just be tricking myself into thinking this.

There's part of me, I would prefer to block him because I don't want to, I know if I see him message me, there's a good chance I might reply. I'm worried about him thinking I'm an asshole. Is that me just saying that to myself probably I don't know yeah he might does not your problem like this is not someone that's going to be in

your life hopefully in six to twelve months doesn't matter if he calls you an asshole like it's fine you know you know you're not trying to be so I mean and if he does that would probably based off of the story you're telling me an indication of only him continue to only think about his his needs if someone like cuts if you would have said to him like you you're not even dating you don't have the relationship it's he he pops in and out of your life out of his convenience his dad died he found your number on whatsapp like like well all of a sudden you're worried about being an asshole by like disappearing he's disappeared on you so many times yeah so like i don't like yes i think going forward yes cut

them out and then i think you need to start paying attention like you're a smart person you're observant you're observing these things. You're just ignoring them. And then you're making excuses for him and yourself. You're lying to yourself. You're afraid to like say, I like this guy. I'm excited. Out of fear of them not liking you.

So be okay with someone not liking you. And then they'll allow you to be more honest with yourself. But you've been chasing him this whole time and not listening to yourself. Yeah, I don't usually chase guys. Like this is not something, this isn't a pattern for me. So it very much confuses me that I did all this because I agree with you, you're right,

but this isn't something I do historically ever. Well, all it takes is the right person to fuck you up a little bit. You know, like that doesn't mean it can't happen just because you never did it. Yeah. Right. No, he's doing whether deliberate on purpose or it's just a bad accident. He's doing all the right things to get you to chase and like not. And he's doing like this, you know, figure out why you're ignoring yourself.

Figure out why you are chasing. Figure out why you're giving him such a pass and all these things that would like, you're not listening to these red flags. I don't know why, but it's clear that he's doing it. I don't know why you're doing it, but maybe you don't have to understand it, but you know enough that it's not healthy for you, so's doing it. You know, I don't know why you're doing it, you know. But maybe you don't have to understand it. But you know enough that it's not healthy for you. So you stop it.

Yeah, it's definitely not. I mean, he can be condescending and talk down to me too. So I'm, it's obviously not healthy at all. Just the fact that this has been going on for nine months is insane. Yeah, it's all on you. I mean, you've allowed it to come back into your life yeah i i take full responsibility like it definitely is even when i'm doing it i know i shouldn't be so it's like i'm i'm at least that much aware that like don't do this and i just did it anyways right yeah so i clearly did like him a lot yeah and that And that's, you know, there's something, you liked the chase. It was exciting. It was stimulating. You know, it got you off.

It was all these things that he would reach out. It would give you a boost of excitement that he thought about you. And maybe you turn it in some sort of a romantic fairy tale in your head, all these things. But like, shit, like if you're going on dates and people aren't asking you questions, they don't care about getting to know you. So if they don't care about getting to know you and then your date, what does it tell you? Right. Like that, that you're just, you could be anyone. Right. And then your ego probably picks up on that. Well, I don't want to be anyone. I want to be somebody I'm going to prove to you that I'm special. So I'm going to, I'm in it until you

start asking me questions instead of being like, aren't you asking me questions this person isn't willing to get to know me yeah and that's so funny that you say that because that was a big thing I I kept trying to like almost force information about me onto him so yeah yeah well this is a good lesson on like just trusting your yourself and getting and trusting your gut and and saying no to yourself without having some self-discipline um whether what he thinks of you is pretty irrelevant going forward yeah yeah thank you i appreciate it all right well best of luck listen trust your gut yeah thank you all right i'm going to block him so great awesome block them on all all platforms all right take care all right bye

what a fantastic episode what did we learn today uh block people block people it's one of those things if you have to ask if you have to ask should i block them immediate answer almost yes you know back to like remembering i was like oh like everyone's like oh i'm dating a narcissist like you're probably not right but if you have to google am i dating a narcissist you should definitely break up they're probably not but whatever they are doing is so bad that you're wondering if they have a a dangerous and you know potentially violent personality disorder so you should probably break up uh should i yes but honestly thanks for calling and asking the question because you know we we need you guys

to call in because we learn and we learn and share your story so send your questions to ask nick at cast media.com cast with a k uh share your stories and um jenny garth tori spelling join us on wednesday until then welcome Until then, you're crazy. Block them.