The Viall Files - E259 Ask Nick - Giving Into Fear Won’t Make You Happy

Episode Date: April 19, 2021

Today on Ask Nick we start with someone who is struggling with the commitment she made to her marriage while trying to work through her husbands cheating tendencies and inappropriate social media conversations with other women. Our second caller kissed a girl at her birthday party and her boyfriend definitely did not like it and she is having trouble navigating his feelings of wanting to break up off and on. Next we speak with a women who is faced with a boyfriend who kept a secret from her and that combined with her non negotiable no longer being on the table made her broke up with him but now she is starting to second guess that decision. Last we speak with a person who is into her friends ex-boyfriend and is not sure if she should pursue it because of their kind of friendship.  “I don’t think you are doomed because you chose not to be a prisoner in your relationship” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  For merch please visit www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Headspace: http://www.headspace.com/VIALL for a free one month trial.  Masterclass: http://www.masterclass.com/VIALLFILES for 15% off  Dipsea: http://www.dipseastories.com/VIALL for a 30 day free trial  Viall Files: http://www.viallfiles.com get 20% off with code VIALL  Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What's going on everybody welcome to another episode of the vile files ask Nick edition I'm your host joined by by the team, really. We're a full team. Chrissy, Amanda, Allie are all with me in studio, and we're just making content, dreams, selling. Are we selling dreams? Making dreams come true? Selling problems?

I don't know. I don't know if we're making dreams come true, but you're helping people's dreams come true. We got a big week for you. Three episodes this week, congratulations. Tomorrow, we're bringing back fan favorite, Dave Holmes, who so many of you loved when we recapped last season. Dave is gonna join us,

because we're gonna talk about, obviously a lot of things going on in Bachelor Nation, Bachelor News, most notable Colton. On Wednesday, we have a highly anticipated episode. I think many of our audience members have been looking for. We're going to discuss introversion, introverts, extroverts, right? Is it introversion, extroversion? I don't know.

Being introverted versus being extroverted and Everything in Between with Susan Cain, who is the author of Quiet. I feel like it's like the book about being an introvert versus an extrovert out there right now. And so we are excited to have Susan with us. I'm just finishing up the book, and it's a very fascinating book. I learned a lot about myself, and I think so many stereotypes and how we misunderstand what it is to be an introvert versus an extrovert and the history behind it.

I think you guys will all really enjoy it. I promise that many of you listening will understand yourselves better after listening to that episode. I promise you. I look forward to that. I promise you. Let's get to the callers.

Question time with Nick. Let's ask nick your sexy questions how's it going good how are you so good what's your name jessica hi jessica how old are you i am 26 how can i help so i wrote in about the marriage one just because i thought it would be some good entertainment but i've been having issues with my husband uh for the past pretty much the entirety of our relationship so past four years um before you got married yeah should we just kill him kidding maybe sometimes sometimes i feel like i want to but not actually for legal purposes that's not a real thing yeah we'll be clear and we're not killing anyone um so what's the problem um okay so the main thing that we've been struggling with the whole the whole relationship is just him with other girls not having a full-on relationship but just doing like sneaky stuff like um the most recent

thing kind of like the most not most wild thing that's happened but he messaged this girl on snapchat this was about a year ago last april and am i allowed to use like derogatory words he messaged her on snapchat while i was laying in bed next to him asleep that her pussy was the best he's ever had. And she sent it to me the next morning. She took a screenshot and sent it to me. So it's just like stuff like that. You say stuff like that, like he doesn't close cabinets. He doesn't.

Sure. I walk downstairs every morning and close every cabinet. This was someone he's this is someone he had slept with before you met yes actually the first time i had met her when we weren't dating yet he introduced me to her as his cousin not not as like a previous i wouldn't call it x but thing and when did you find out that this wasn't his cousin and that he... Last year when she sent me that. Oh, so when he Snapchat her, you had no idea who this was.

Correct. Got you. And you thought his cousin was reaching out to you. I kind of had a feeling that it wasn't for the entirety, but I just kind of let that one go. All right. And so why are you still with him? The main part for me is I like to consider myself someone with high morals.

And, you know, I made this commitment to someone. I get that. And you want to work through everything to the best of your ability, not because he necessarily deserves it, but because that's who I am as a person. And so I guess that's probably the main reason still. Okay. Fair. Are you religious?

Pretty. Okay. I'm Christian. I understand all that. I don't, I mean, I haven't met God. I mean, maybe I have. I don't know. But I just don't,

I don't know if you have to take one for the team for the rest of your life, regardless of his actions, just because you made a promise. I don't know. Your whole relationship. Is it safe to say that your entire relationship has a foundation of lies i mean probably so and when he when he's working at things he works really hard you know he does everything right he's

a hard-working generally like good guy like he's a good person and he works hard towards our relationship what do you mean by that we define hard work you talk about his work or or just being supportive of me uh emotionally um you know with our he works hard so we can you guys have kids no um what something else that's oh no no that's kind of been the big i i want kids here not not super soon but soon enough that i've been wondering like is this the person i want to have kids with but do you trust him i mean i trust him with many aspects but like with other women that's not no well what do you trust him about as far as other women goes that he wouldn't completely cross all of the boundaries of cheating and what typically what do you trust him about as far as other women goes that he wouldn't completely cross all of the boundaries of cheating and what typically what makes you so sure about that i mean

just because you don't know that he has yeah but you know that he's lied to you yeah how many times has he lied to you um to your knowledge 10 to 12 times wow that's a lot that you've caught yeah but i'm pretty sleuthy so i think i've caught most of it and has he ever owned up to his mistakes but before you before he before he got caught um not before not before but after when yeah but after he's holds himself pretty accountable. Sure. Well, you've proven to him that you'll forgive him, so he might as well just be like, yeah, I did it. I mean, why fight with you?

You're not going anywhere. There's just no reason to think other than your confidence and your sleuthiness, and I have no doubt that you'd be a great private eye and someone, maybe the bachelor should hire you to do background checks on people, but things fall through the cracks you know and so there's a good chance that you haven't found out all his lies right and um and yeah again the fact that he he owns up to them has more to do with the fact that you have proven to be very forgiving. So my question and concern for you is, how do we know this is ever really going to change?

What's his motivation to change? That's probably my question, too. I think that the only thing that ever makes anything change temporarily is me threatening to leave. makes anything change temporarily is me threatening to leave. The last time something happened, I left to just go home and stay with my parents for a couple weeks and told him, you know, I just needed to think about our relationship

if it was what I wanted, stuff like that. What did he say? I mean, he gave me the space that I needed and said, okay, whatever you decide is your decision. What was he doing while you were taking the space? Going to work. He works pretty crazy hours. He works over 100 hours a week.

Doing what? He's in the military. He works in the Navy. He's an engineer. Have you been to therapy? We have. It was actually his idea. Okay.

So we started last fall and then what's your we what's what's therapy like um pretty decent i haven't found that it's been effective really i mean last time i found something out was only a couple weeks ago now like three-ish weeks ago so it seems great have you ever just been like why do you lie to me yeah and his reaction is there is responses that he doesn't want to lose me or okay wait maybe rephrase the question why do you do these things like it's his actions that are lying right like the uh i didn't want to lose you know like first he's doing the thing that he has to lie about that in itself is a lie by going behind your back and doing things he shouldn't do in a committed relationship right and then not telling

you is another lie on top of the first lie of the action of doing it so the excuse of well i didn't tell you because i didn't want to lose you while very shitty on its own still doesn't address like why he's doing these things to hurt you uh despite making a promise to not to protect you to protect the relationship till death to your part you know through thick and thin and like you know he's abusing his vows i think so you don't know yeah i don't know guesses right my guess is i would say that hasn't been caught up in therapy like you're you're going to therapy and you have no idea why he's like doing this shit the main reason that he in therapy says that it's happening is that he just doesn't feel completely loved by me or like oh it's your fault i mean i i would say that i pull back away like pull away when that stuff happens fuck yeah it makes sense but um in those moments he has expressed

that that's he just isn't feeling the love from me or like getting the assurance that he needs from me. And so he doesn't necessarily blame it on me, but like in a backwards way. Let me ask you a question. If I somehow, and you could believe me, and said just between you and me, God's totally okay with you getting a divorce. And I promise you within five years,

you're going to find this amazing guy who respects you, loves you, protects the relationship, doesn't lie to you, and God's going to be your biggest cheerleader,

what would you do? If I could guarantee you that. I mean, I would probably leave. I think that's your answer. Listen, again, I'm not God, so if, so like, you know, if you end up burning in hell and it's like, don't blame it on me, but I'll be there with you too, if that's the case, you know, we'll have a party. But I'm just like, listen, we do a lot of things out of fear, you know, God, shame,

you know, vows, and I'm not here. Like marriage is very important to me. I want to get married and I want to be in a monogamous relationship and I'm not here. Like marriage is very important to me. I want to get married and I want to be in a monogamous relationship and I want to make that commitment to a woman and I want to live up to those expectations. But unfortunately, sometimes, you know, we get it wrong. And you at least can have the comfort of knowing

that you never were even given a chance to get it right because he's been lying to you the whole time. You know, you made vows to someone who was lying to you while you were giving those vows. It was like you were given vows under false pretenses, you know? Like you didn't have all the information. He was lying to you. And he continues to lie to you and then blames you.

Like he's playing the victim. There is no light at the end of the tunnel you mean you're only 26 and it sounds like right now you're just going to be a prisoner and thank god you don't have kids with this guy yet right because oh my god that'd be so hard if you decide to leave this guy i'm sure the divorce process is going to suck as it always does it's not going to be easy. It's going to be a challenge. There'll be a period of sadness and grief, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel of like, he can be out of your life fully and completely in the near future. And you can start that very young and prosperous life and you have everything in front of you.

You know, you're an attractive sweet person you know you probably have some a lot of great qualities a lot of guys are going to be so excited to like give you the love that you deserve as long as you expect it for yourself right and i think that's you know i'm worried for you that you're you're starting to think that maybe you don't deserve it or you shouldn't expect it because well this, this is what, you know, I just need to be happy with this. Not bullshit, you know? Hey, moms out there, those little fuckers driving you crazy. Well, Headspace will help you. Well, I don't know if it's really going to help with the kids, but it will help you get centered through guided meditation. Also, if you don't have

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Chris Voss teaching the art of negotiation. We have the great Robin Roberts teaching effects in authentic communication. So many great experts out there. Tony Hawk teaching skateboarding. I mean, truly the best of the best are teaching you how to be a master in whatever it is you want to excel in. I highly recommend you check it out. Get unlimited access to every masterclass

and for our vile file listeners, you get 15% off an annual membership. Go to masterclass.com slash V-I-A-L-L membership go to masterclass.com slash v-i-a-l-l that is masterclass.com slash v-i-a-l-l for 15 off masterclass i think god's gonna god's gonna love you right he's gonna love you say you're sorry my bad god you know i don't know like i'm catholic so i could just go to confession be like yeah fucked up you know we could um i'm joking, but I just don't think, you know, you're, you're going to be doomed because you chose not to be a prisoner in this relationship. And I think if you can answer the question that if you knew that

God would forgive you and that you would find happiness outside of this relationship and you weren't making your choices based off of fear, you leave i don't think fear is a very good motivator for making choices about your happiness that sounded really smart i think you made some t-shirt or something out of it i think have you gone to therapy on your own no unfortunately my job field kind of prevents me from doing that. Interesting. Why? What is it? It's government work.

So any sort of like mental health concern is considered like a weakness or a threat. Is this the only job you can ever have? It's the one that I love. Oh, you do love. Okay, you love it. All right. But I think that would be very beneficial. I wish I could do it.

So I try and do other things like lots of journaling where I'll follow. Well, you can always call in. I'm not a therapist, but I'll do my best. What do your parents say? What do your friends say? My parents, I mean, my parents don't have the best marriage, so I try not to take advice from them because it's not a kind of marriage I want to be in. Do you think that regardless of whatever choice you make, do you think if you leave this relationship, they will still love you?

I mean, yeah, but they certainly wouldn't support that decision. Are they fully aware of what you're dealing with? Yeah. Yeah, well, my parents won't support all my decisions either. They still love me. Yeah. Yeah. My mom, she told me that I had my, and my expectations were too high once on the phone. It was like last week and I was like, okay, mom, thanks. And then I thought, maybe you should have told your mom that her expectations are too low for herself.

She would have been real feisty about that one. Probably. But listen, our parents, lovely. There are heroes, but they're not actual heroes right and they make mistakes and there's things that they got wrong in their life and sometimes we have a tendency of you know projecting that shit onto our friends and families and loved ones and kids and my friends have a really hard time because our friend group is really close and they all love him a lot. He's the fun kind. Everyone describes him as one of the kindest people that you'll ever meet.

He's always willing to lend a helping hand stuff. So I have all my friends love him. So that's a really hard barrier to break through to. My close friends are very supportive in the sense that whatever know whatever i decide they'll choose to support yeah but it's it would definitely bring a lot of judgment on me or i think a lot of people would be upset at me fuck them in our friend group yeah get different friends keep the ones that support you i know know it's sad, but I promise you there are people who will be your friends. And sometimes people can make choices because, again, maybe they're protecting their own self-interest. They like the group.

Let's keep the group together. The group's fun. Don't want to fuck up the group. So deal with your shit. Put up with the fact that your husband lies to you cheaches you and you don't trust him and he's Snapchatting random girls and you have literally zero reason to believe anything he says because you catch him lying. You spend all this energy sleuthing. I mean, that's fucked up. You mean you're a legit prisoner.

You don't deserve it. Well, thanks. I don't think I deserve it either. Yeah. Yeah. I know you don't and so find the friends know like know what you deserve and then only accept the people who support what you know you deserve and that's it and the people who don't support that be done with them parents you don't

be done with them you know well they'll still love you and you deal with their bullshit and whatever and but friends done you're 26 i mean it feels so old everyone's having kids you're not you're not you're not you're only gonna blink and you're gonna be 35 40 50 60 and you're gonna look back and think about like this time in your life and what you do now is, I mean, think about how impactful what you do now is going to change the rest of your life. Yeah. I mean, it's pretty safe bet he's not going to magically change, but you can change so much, right? And in four years, you know, and again, it might take five or six years to find a guy. I don't know. Maybe it might take six months.

I don't know. I think you should prepare yourself. It's taking long. It's not going to happen overnight. But then all of a sudden you're 30 you meet a guy that's four years from now it feels like a really long time and you're only 30 and that's like well then you're 40 with this guy and it's great and you have you know maybe two kids together but then you're 40 and that's those are 10 happy years rather than like 10 miserable years and yeah yeah my biggest fear i think that whenever my friends ask me about

this situation or they want updates how are things going and whatnot my biggest fear is that if i don't do something now which no one can predict the future is it gonna result in him completely cheating which i guess is a weird way to say it but just like he has no he's he's cheated he's cheated on you that's it he's cheated on you like you're getting into semantics in terms of and your ego is like well he didn't like fuck her or maybe he fucked her but he didn't come all over her face you know like i mean he cheated on her you're like he's snapchatting girls and and and complimenting how great their pussies are. Like, I don't know what you got. That's cheating. There's no like degrees, but you're protecting yourself

because you're afraid to leave. And I get it. Like, I'm not judging you. And like, we have all done this. I've done what you've done. But I really think you need to focus on what you believe and what you deserve. And you prioritize that over all else.

And if you stick to your guns on that and get through some difficult times and you're going to lose some friends, you might have some people mad at you, but I promise you, you'll be glad you did. You will find the people who support healthy relationships and you empowering yourself. And I'm not saying there might be some sadness

and there's some difficult times ahead, but I promise you, you won't regret it. Well, if that's what ends up happening, I'll call back in a year and give you an update. All right. All right. Well, best of luck, but don't make your decisions about your happiness based off of fear.

I will take that to heart. All right. Best of luck. Thank you. All right. Bye-bye. It was very nice talking to you. I'm rooting for will take that to heart. All right. Best of luck. Thank you. All right. Very nice talking to you. I'm rooting for you. Thanks. All right. Bye-bye. How's it going? Hi. Hi, I'm Katie. I'm 23 and I'm from Sacramento. Hi, Katie. How can I help? Hi. Okay. So the other day I had a birthday party about two weeks ago and I was really, I was really excited. Thank you. I was really excited. I was really excited.

Thank you. I was really excited because I haven't really like partied with my friends since COVID started. And so it was like a bunch of my friends in the same room. I was really excited. And we were just like dancing. And then I happened to kiss my female friend. But... And I'm straight.

What do you mean by that? Like, yeah. It's just like, what do you just like happen to kiss like okay um i don't the memory is kind of fuzzy but to my understanding i just like i probably asked her but i was probably can i kiss you and she was like okay and then i like kissed her and then i have a boyfriend so i went and then I went to go tell him how old is he and how old oh he is 23 also we're the same age so I went to go tell him and um I was like yeah I just kissed my friend he was like oh it's cool it's cool so I kissed her again like one more time but it was just like fun party kiss or so I thought and then the next morning I woke up and I was like oh did you have fun at the party last night and he was like to your friend or your boyfriend oh to my to my boyfriend and he

was like no um you kissed your friend we're over and I was like what you said you were and then I kind of remembered I was like oh you said you were cool with it though I thought we were still having a fun time and he was like no no like you broke my trust we're over and so I was just like really upset um I didn't want it to be over just based off of that and yeah I was just like really really upset okay and where are we now okay so now it's been two weeks since it's happened so the first week was like really bad um the next day was easter and he had agreed to come to my house with my family and he was like yeah i don't really want to like we didn't

break up or we did break up and he's still coming over for easter or it's unclear it's it's unclear at this point so he was like well i don't want to cancel on your family last minute and i want to stay true to my words so i'll come to eas Easter still but that doesn't mean you don't have to move out um you guys live together yes we live together okay so yeah he was like you still should think about moving out and like all that stuff like this doesn't mean we're cool so I was like okay and so Easter was kind of terrible um well we were just kind of like like fighting all day or I was just like please forgive me and he was like no but then after Easter it kind of chilled out like our like during the week but he was still like I don't see us staying together I was ready to start a life with you but now I'm

unsure and then he was kind of just like I don't think I can forgive you for this like that's not the kind of person I am like I don't just forget stuff like this. And I was just trying to explain to him it didn't mean anything. It was just for fun. And I know that's not really an excuse. But I was like, now that I know that's a really big problem, I won't do it again. And so we stayed together. Or we're still together.

But our lease ends in August, and we're planning on moving together, and he's, like, yeah, I don't know if I want to do that anymore, and then he's just, like, hot and cold all the time, like, yeah, so he'll just, like, bring up random things, like, that relate to it, and he'll be, like, really mad, like, sometimes I'll just, like, try to kiss him, and he'll be, like, I remember what you did, so he's just been hot and cold and like what really kind of bugs me is like um every time the topic of like alcohol or partying comes up he'll like make a comment about me like we're just like watching now he's like oh don't get too drunk because i can't trust you when you drink kind of thing yeah like we were watching survivor and they were like drinking beer

on a boat and i was like that looks so fun he's like i know you'd get too drunk and like be crazy and i'm like oh that's not what i meant by that comment but and so just just to get all the potential scenarios out of the way like do you get hammered all the time like i don't you know i'm just not really like well like party with friends and it's just like kind of like small kickbacks and i'm not usually too crazy like i I'll just dance and then. So yeah, I guess what I'm trying to figure out is there's a potential, this could be so many different things, right? Is it just hot in here? Well, why not give yourself something more,

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and we're wearing some great merch, the Sorry I'm Right tie-dye hoodie fan favorite, get 20% off with code V-I-A-L-L vilefiles.com Head to our store, buy some merch. Check us out on YouTube because I look hot.

We've got a bunch of other stuff, breakup books, mugs. Anyways, just tell your loved ones how right you are. And you've got some friends who are dating some assholes. Get them a He's Toxic t-shirt. Just a friendly reminder. Vilefiles.com, code V-I-A-L-L for 20% off. You know, there could be a scenario guy or girl where you know young couples going out and one person is like kind of when they go out they get sauced

right and it's just like you know i've dated girls where it's just like god you're kind of an annoying drunk you know and it's just like a thing and then something happens right and it's just like a thing. And then something happens, right? And it's just like, it's not really about that one specific thing. It's just the whole body of work of like, you're just kind of a liability. You're not yourself when you're drunk. Now, I don't know if that's you. I'm just saying that's a scenario where I could see him using this situation and like focusing on this because he can be specific about this but really it's about you know you constantly going out and like him not enjoying drunk you right i don't know like so that could be one thing or this could be just about him processing you kissing anyone

right guy or girl yeah and and him having coming to terms with it, right? So let's just start there. Like, what do you think about that? Like in terms of you partying or is it pretty normal? You're pretty responsible. Like, hey, we've all like had a night, but like, do you think there's any consistency there? Do you think there's anything about that? Or do you think that's a little nutty? I'm usually really responsible. Yeah. I've never done something super crazy that he's been mad about like this. So yeah, you think that's... Okay.

So that's not... Yeah. We don't think it's that. Okay. Yeah. Because just normally when we party, the only thing he'll get pissed off about is me going to bed early. I'll just be really tired and I'll fall asleep because...

That's literally the opposite of what I'm describing. So it sounds like you're fine. Now, when it comes to like kissing, right? Anyone, it's interesting because, you know, a lot of people, you know, and I don't know if Amanda has any thoughts, but like I don't care if you're gay or straight, right? Like if you're in a monogamous relationship, you know, like if you're bisexual, like a lot of things,

like if you're a bisexual person, like that's not like a hall pass to like make out with women if you're dating a guy just because you're by like you're either committed to this person or not it's about the person so it's not like and i think there's a lot of especially if like if a guy is dating a bisexual woman he'll be like oh what is that like oh could we get to have a threesome now or something there's a lot of ignorance that can go in behind that um on the flip side like you did gay straight whatever you kiss someone else in a committed relationship so at face value i guess you know he has the right to be bothered by that. Okay, fine. He's bothered by it. We understand that.

Now, what are we doing with that, right? To me, it sounds like he is processing how he thinks he should feel about it. And that's why you're getting a lot of inconsistency from him about like, we should break up. Wait, I'm going to go to your family for Easter. You should think about getting another place, but I'm not entirely not entirely sure yeah that's what it sounds like to me and you know i i don't know but like at the end of the day like are you guys able to talk and work through this like you know it's one of those things like if you, I wouldn't give a shit, but that's just me, you know?

Yeah. You know, I'm, if I, my, like, I know where I stand with my girlfriend, right? Yeah, definitely. And we communicate and I'm very confident in how she feels about me and vice versa. So like, if that were to happen, I wouldn't think anything. But that's because we have a very solid foundation understanding of where we stand with each other. Yeah. And for,

I don't know, it doesn't sound like you guys have that for whatever reason. And maybe it's just a, he, you know, he's young. There could be an immaturity thing there and him processing what it meant to him seeing you could kiss another person.

Yeah. That makes sense sense have you asked him like have you talked about the incident i mean like it sounds because up until this point it's not you're just been like it didn't mean anything but like have you discussed how it made him feel like have you really got into it yeah um like the day after it happened i was like i just i asked him like how he felt about it a bunch of times and i was like i just i asked him like how he felt about it a bunch of times and i was but i was more focused on like forgive me forgive me sure so i feel like that was like i guess i got messed up in that sense yeah i don't messed up i don't know it's i don't think you were expecting you know like from your point of view like you're like hey i did this it wasn't

a big deal and then it surprised you that he was mad about it you got defensive yeah you know a lot of those things so i wouldn't be too hot on yourself that you messed up but like you're not you're still together so like clearly this is salvageable if that's what you both want yeah you know my concern from him is i don't know if he has the emotional maturity to process this, but I don't in fairness to him. I don't know if you guys tried. So, like, could I bring it up to him? Like, if you guys are going to stay together, you're going to have to bring it up. You're going to have to talk about it.

Yeah, we can't just forget about it. No, because what is what's going to happen if you quote unquote forget about it is he will he will poke the bear like he will bring this shit up he will make it about drinking or whatever he'll throw shit in your face like it bothers him right or wrong it bothers that's how he feels something about it like he has the right to feel however he wants and then you have the right to like decide whether you're okay with accepting his feelings and then talk with him about it but But like he has a feeling about it and, and you guys have to work through that feeling. I mean, that's a relationship.

Yeah. Just kind of hard. Cause there's like a timeline on it. Like what do you mean? Cause we're moving my lease ends in August or early sense. It's April. I know. But like,

I have to like think of where to move. Cause I was thinking of moving like out of the city and do you want to be worried like yeah we're planning on moving together but now he's like i don't know if i can commit because what if you make another mistake like that like what like like kiss another girl i don't know he's like what if like the next time you're drunk you just forget and you kiss another girl like i don't know was like, then I couldn't trust you ever again. So we're talking about trust. So like, first of all, we don't even know if he understands that. Listen, buddy, I was drinking, but I knew what I was doing.

You know, like I consciously kissed that my friend, like whether that makes you mad or sad or not, I don't know. But I'm being honest with the fact that I chose to do that. I was having fun. Certainly, my inhibitions were lowered, and that's probably why I had some fun, but I'm not blaming it on the alcohol. I made that choice. Now, I didn't think it would bother you. Had I known it would have bothered you beforehand, and had I asked you, I wouldn't have done it. So I want to also be clear on that, that like, this is just a misunderstanding of our expectations for each other. And because we're young and we're still early in getting to know each other and haven't been

dating for all that long, those are some things that we're going to get wrong along the way. And I want to talk with you about that. But like, I would never have gone behind your back had I known it would have bothered you. So like this is, you know, from my point of view, it's not necessarily about trust. It's about like me not knowing. So like I can't make you trust me, but I'm telling you like I'm never going to blame it on alcohol. Right. And now that I know this bothers you, I'm not going to do that again because it's not a priority for me.

I'm not looking to like have an open relationship, whether it's with a guy or a girl, I'm looking to be in a committed relationship. And I didn't see that as right or wrong. I didn't see that as stepping out, you know, and, and see what he says about that. Right.

Like keep the focus on what you guys are really arguing about because he's just kind of keep throwing these darts against him. Well, he's just mad. And it's like, it sounds like he doesn't know why he's mad you know because there's this whole like well you're well you're straight so like if you're straight then it didn't mean anything but what like what if you were bisexual you know like would that would it mean more or less to him i don't know

i don't know i don't have the answer to that question. Yeah. Do you have? Yeah. Hi, I'm Amanda. I'm a bi. I'm the resident bi woman here. And I just wanted to say that like I think with this, there's like the internal stuff that's going on, like how you are feeling and how you are responding to your own like feelings and desires. And then there's all of the external stuff, the obligations you have to him, like, you know, wanting to figure out moving and whatnot. And I think it can be really easy to want to make the internal like self-discovery like shift to meet those external needs. And this could have been nothing like I, you know, I'm not telling you that like this was something, but I do think it's worth like really ask like sort of giving yourself the time to reflect on like, why did I want to kiss my friend? like sort of giving yourself the time to reflect on like, why did I want to kiss my friend? Because it's worth, it's worthwhile for you to have a better understanding. And I think with him, like he also has a lot of external stuff. I've been in a lot of situations where guys have said,

oh, it's fine if you hook up with girls, like I don't care about that. And then I have, and they haven't been fine with it. So like there's a lot of stories that we all have around queerness that implicate like that affect the way we think we should behave. But I think as much as you can sort of like turn the volume down on those and just give yourself a bit of time to think about how you're feeling, that is going to provide you with like the insights you need to then have open conversations with him. Because I'm sure a part of him kind of feels emasculated and he's confused and he wants some answers from you and it can be really easy to just tell him what he wants to hear and like move forward and you might go to those same conclusions but I think it is worth doing like the due diligence of like really sitting with yourself and being like hmm let me

explore this like let me not explore this through the lens of I need to figure out how to get my boyfriend back and how to make sure that we're going to move in together. But just what did I want? What was going through my head? Is that something I want to get? Yeah. My guess is, too, is when you asked him, he was like, yeah, whatever. And then he saw you kiss her.

And he and from his point of view, it looked like you enjoyed it more than he thought it would look like. Right. Yeah. And that doesn't mean potentially anything. Just he expectations didn't meet reality for him. Yeah. Yeah. I remember him being,

I was like, Oh, I didn't make my friend uncomfortable. Right. And he was like, no, I think she enjoyed it or something. Yeah,

exactly. Right. So yeah, to Amanda's point, I definitely don't think you should, as a girlfriend in a committed relationship, it's good that you are empathetic to whatever he's feeling and you're considering his feelings. Right.

To Amanda's point is, you know, he can be feeling, he can be, he can feel mad. It doesn't immediately mean that you did anything wrong okay based on what you're telling me this sounds like poor communicating in a in an environment where you know when you're drinking often that can happen right like yeah what did he say to you when you said but you you said i could i told you like what was his response to that he said so i kissed her twice I kissed her before I asked that that was the problem oh god so we're arguing over semantics for a hint I was so I yeah I kissed her and then I was like oh I just did this is it cool and he was like yeah

and I kissed her like one more time so he was just like no you asked after you did it okay so that was like so that changes the game for him yeah I feel like if i asked before he wouldn't have been as upset but he was like you already did it so whatever like i wasn't gonna say no and he was like i didn't want to upset you on your birthday yeah i mean i guess i i would i would have a discussion about his feelings with him. Okay. Why do you feel this way? How did it make you feel?

That would be probably. And if you're going to hold him to that bar of emotional honesty and like ask him to be vulnerable and like really explore some stuff because he can feel really emasculated or betrayed. And if you're going to ask him to sort of like enter that space and really honestly explore that, you need to make sure that you've also done the personal work on your own and like you're holding yourself to that same standard so that way you can provide that same level of like vulnerability and honesty that you want from him in this conversation okay yeah like i mean are you referring to like how much she liked it or

didn't like it or just like how it came about like understanding the circumstances of it like why you thought about why you wanted to make out with your friend um sometimes when i get drunk i just kiss my friends for fun like it's not i like always have not always but i've done it like before i just was single so i didn't really have to like no one got mad at me okay yeah i i can't i can't personally relate but i don't know if that's a thing i don't know my friend i like one of my friends who i've kissed before is like yeah i do it all the time it's normal but i don't know yeah i don't normal you know people do it i mean yeah we can take the normal kind of thing away. I have had plenty of conversations with all sorts of different women, right? And yeah, I've met, whether they identify as bisexual or straight,

I've had straight women say, yeah, I don't mind. I like kissing women sometimes. And they still identify as straight. And I've had other women be like, I've kissed a girl in college, but I just did it for the reaction. I don't really enjoy it reaction i i don't i don't really enjoy it i also don't mind it right you know like i i've had girls so they can kiss girls and they feel more comfortable with doing that right and they're still like yeah it's not

for me right but they still like it's specific for the reaction you know or just yeah you know and and maybe to amanda's point that's what do you have a clear answer of why do you do it for the reaction or are you because there's some sort of enjoyment out of it it's not for the reaction but it's also not like sexual it's more just like i don't know it's fun it's just like okay i don't know no judgment on this side i i can't relate i just feel love for my friend and i'm like I want to kiss you because I love you as a friend. Okay. But I don't know.

And maybe also he has a heart. Maybe. Again, that's fine. But I have so much love for my friends. And I've never wanted to stick my tongue down their throat. It wasn't like a long kiss. It was like a fast kiss with tongue for like a second i don't know it was not like it wasn't a quality kiss do you want to make it work with this guy yeah i really do why um are you okay with how he's handled this um

how he's handled this is making me question it a little bit actually just because like i don't know. I just don't want to feel guilty every time I make a comment about alcohol and stuff like that. So I think how this situation is handled as far as you and your boyfriend goes is like a big hurdle for you guys and a big opportunity potentially. Right. I don't think you should just try to like make it go away because you don't want to

break up. Right. I don't think you try to fix the problem because you don't want to not move in like this is kind of a pivotal moment for you guys and how you guys communicate problems and like whether it's you making out with another girl or anything right like this is a situation that came about through miscommunication yeah so it could be a million different things and how we're handling miscommunication and the combination of not understanding your feelings and maybe him feeling you can emasculate him a bunch of different ways it doesn't require you to make out with people and you can do that unintentionally right and vice

versa and he can make you feel a certain way so like you guys have to figure out how you guys can address these things without him waking up and be like we should break up here's why and then putting you like making you feel like you're unhosted in in a hostage situation and then like and then just like being okay with it being hot and cold being not okay with it and just like being unclear you're very confused about where you stand with your actual boyfriend and that that's not okay right regardless of how you got here like that's not how a couple figures out their problems so to me your biggest problem is this inability to solve problems with your boyfriend because i promise you if you stay together and you marry this guy this will be one of the smallest problems you guys have ever had to face right this is not a big deal

this is a small deal he's just he's he's having a hard time processing it and and then you know maybe he's sensing something from you that he's just you know and you guys aren't communicating and you're not really getting into the meat of what the problem is and i think that's the big problem and i think that's what you should focus on okay that sounds good yeah and your goal shouldn't be fix the problem so you can move in the goal should be figuring out how can we get through this where we really feel like we've resolved this now we're on the same page and you're like i'm really you both should feel glad about like i'm really glad we spent some energy and some time and maybe some days and weeks talking about this and working through it and now we both feel like we're in a good place and we we're ready to move forward we're not going to bring it up and

throw it in each other's faces and if you can't get there then you should really consider moving on okay yeah all right thank you so much for all your advice best of luck thanks all right take care take care all right bye-bye Thank you so much for all your advice. Best of luck. Thanks. All right, take care. Take care. All right, bye-bye. How's it going? Good.

How are you guys? Great. What's your name? My name is Jo. I'm 25, and I'm from Indiana. Hi, Jo, 25. How can I help? Well, so I am going through a pretty rough breakup at the moment um and i think i have

come to lose myself within that relationship and i will explain that um so i met my boyfriend on valentine's day and we became immediately inseparable. When you say, was it like this Valentine's Day this year? No, 2019. Okay. So we've been together for a little bit over two years. Okay. So he has two kids with two different women.

And so I moved in with him and his children at 11 months. And that will be exactly a year and a half ago. Really, I left my parents' house after college. I met him like probably eight or 10 months after I graduated college. So I moved in with him 11 months later. From mom and dad's house? Yes. Okay months later. From mom and dad's house? Yes. Okay.

Yes, from mom and dad's house. So, you know, we had a really good relationship. Like, we still are, like, we're both moving out tomorrow. And, like, we're, you know, probably not a good idea. But we're still, you know, friendly and not being mean towards each other because basically you know this breakup came from learning that he has been keeping a pretty significant problem for me for about two years so like the entire relationship yeah so I didn't know and like basically it's you know a personal issue that I won't divulge. So he's been keeping a secret, and you found out about the secret,

and you broke up because of the secret? Yes. Yes. I mean, we kind of broke up. Essentially, like, he, you know, explained that he's not going to have a child with me. That's just a non-negotiable. That is not okay with me.

Like, that's my plan for life you know and i think for both of us we just realized like it's that time we're like because he had just asked my parents for permission to propose to me um about four weeks ago so i think okay and now you're having a hard time what now you're having a hard time. What now I'm having a hard time with having integrated myself in with someone else's family and taking care of children, taking care of, you know, all the,

all of it. And then I'm about to move back in with my parents for two months until my apartment's ready. But like I have an apartment to move in in with my parents for two months until my apartment's ready but like i have an apartment to move in in june and you know i put myself in the best place because it's like a young community with all kinds of amenities and all kinds of stuff like that so i think like i'll be in the place to make friends and like have like a new normal but like i guess i just don't remember how to do that after all this time so so you're just scared basically probably well yeah i think i think you are i think that's okay

it doesn't sound like in your email you're saying you're still sleeping in the same bed having sex living together but you broke up when about two weeks ago so you're not really broken up then i mean i guess we are like that's the plan he got an apartment i got an apartment yes now you okay well i don't know like we're broken up like we're broken up but we're still i mean until we move out tomorrow we're still here you move out tomorrow yes okay so what is your question i guess it's like do i keep having sex with him do i like still like because like he's really not a bad guy to me like nothing he's done is unforgivable it's just not you know for the rest of my life oh all right he's literally moving down the street from me like he's moving like

so what stoplight away from me. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. All your decisions you've made since you've broken up seem all based off of fear or whatever. But if I'm hearing you right, without the details, like you said, you have a non-negotiable, and that is you want to have children. He also told this lie, whatever it is. He doesn't want to have children. You know, he also like told this lie, whatever it is. He doesn't want to have kids with you.

He's got some issues and you stood your ground, at least for the moment, right? And then said, this is not what I want. And now as you are about to move out, start over, especially as that's what you're telling yourself, you're struggling with it. You're scared, right? You had this idea of something right settling down falling in love getting proposed to the romantic aspect of oh yes my parents to get engaged and it probably felt good i never i never

thought i had a have a guy fall in love with me i never thought i'd live with a guy and you know get to know his kids and then have us break up and find out a secret or find out he lied to me. And this shit happens every day to people. And you are only 25, right? You are still really young. So you're just scared, right? And now you're second-guessing your decision to stick up for your non-negotiables so i think you should

see it through and this whole like you're 25 you're moving into like you said a a new like kind of luxury apartment building you know young professionals i'm sure will be a bunch yeah so out of my comfort zone but i i know different yeah but like you know you get a new comfort zone yeah you know um you want your own kids right what are you scared of like regression almost regression of what of just like before i got in this relationship, I was still a child. You know what I mean? Like I was right out of college.

I was doing childish things. And it's like seeing as how the only friends I've had are the friends I had prior to this relationship, really. Because, I mean, COVID and we moved to BFE. So, I mean, like it's hard to like not go back to those same people and like do the same dumb stuff. You know what I mean? And what would be so bad if you did like, who, what do you, who are you trying to prove anything to? Like, is there like a, you need to be a mom? Like, well, you're not,

you're bringing up with them, know you know like i get it right like you you're 25 is it kind of one of those ages where you're it feels it feels very old to people who turn 25 you know and and think that you know when they were 20 again we talked about this well you know you're spend most of your teenage years having all these dreams about where you're going to be at 25 you know and and all of those dreams are going to be like settled out and and you're going to be a mom and you're going to you know take your kids to school like i mean and then 25 shows up and you know it's not 1970 anymore. And if you want to like settle down and have kids and that's great. And you find your person, that's

awesome. But like what you're doing is second guessing your decision about what you know, deep down is right for you and what you want for your future and for the rest of your life, because you're afraid of not living up to whatever goals you set for yourself when you were 19 that's nuts right like why can't you go uh to a on a trip to florida with a bunch of girlfriends and get stupid drunk and crazy you know when the pandemic's over you're you know and all that shit like why not you're 25 i should be able to do that. I'm 25. I'm not in the same situation coming out of this relationship that he is. And I have. You don't have.

Yeah. No one said you have to like stop having fun and being, you know, doing stupid shit when you like turn 23 or 24 or 25. You know, was every day with him wild and fun? Did you ever miss going out and being goofy and acting like a shit show? You know, was every day with him wild and fun? Did you ever miss going out and being goofy and acting like a shit show, you know? No, I mean, we had our occasions, but no, I mean, I did. I definitely missed the girl time more than anything. And now I just am like, really? I guess that's what I most, you know, oh, gosh, I'm not a girl's girl all the time.

So I've got to. That's okay. But what you have to do is when you actually move out, you need to having sex with them you stop hanging out with them you gotta stop being friends with them you gotta cut them out otherwise what's gonna happen is you're going to move out you're gonna go out with some friends and and maybe have fun one couple nights but inevitably yeah you'll go out and be like this is stupid i don't want to do this and you'll hang out with some like drunk girl and be like this isn't me i'm like more mature than this and then you'll regress by like hanging out with him because you'll ignore all the things that like you broke for the wrong reason and then you'll just go back to the comfort and the stability of the relationship

right meanwhile none of those problems really went away. So like you need to just decide that he is not for you. You've made this decision, stand, you know, trust your gut. And it doesn't mean he's a horrible person. Doesn't mean everything about the relationship was shitty. It doesn't mean you hated him. It doesn't mean you couldn't stand being around him. You liked all those things, right? It just means that this is not the relationship that you wanted for yourself for the rest of your life. This is not your best case scenario. It means that you like, you want something else

and that might take a year or two to find. So what? So in the meantime, like have good days, have bad days, be lonely, have fun with friends, go date, meet new guys, have some sex, don't have some sex, be lonely, have fun with friends, go date, meet new guys, have some sex, don't have some sex, whatever. Like, you know, embrace the freedom in the unknown and be open to finding someone else.

But like, you know, being afraid to trust your gut is only going to have you waste your time. Like, I mean, it doesn't sound like anything about, I don't know the specifics, but like, you know, his kids aren't going away, so he's going to be a dad him want like you don't want a guy to like resentfully have a get pregnant get you pregnant you know um and the fact that you really haven't you know you went from mom and dad's house to his like maybe you do maybe you have some growing up to do and just because you were playing house with him doesn't mean you

you know matured. You'll learn a lot about yourself living on your own and struggling on your own and finding new friends. And that's maybe something you need to do. I would not run back to him when you get bored and lonely. You're going to get bored and lonely. I promise you that much. Like it's not always, there's no guarantee just because you realize that someone's not right for you and that a future with

your partner isn't your best fit there's no just because you just finally realize that and that's a good thing doesn't like ensure that you're gonna meet the the right fit in a month or two or six months like no but people expect that to happen it's like oh you know like you're not my person i want to get back out there and then like two months go by you're like what the fuck i'm bored and lonely and like i don't know it was like better than you know and yeah it's not you know you just so you just got to be mindful of that so okay absolutely stop sleep like you shouldn't you move out tomorrow like don't have don't don't have one more like i mean i guess do what you want like today but once you move out it's uh yeah you need

to cut him off cut his kids off you know this whole like oh well you know yeah and it's sad and i'm and they'll be okay and but like that's you you have to do that and the fact that he is moving away down the street well go out of your way to avoid him. And don't let him gaslight you or shame you or make you feel bad for like wanting your space and cutting him off and say, hey, listen, I need to move on. And this is, and if he ends up hating you for it,

that's okay, you know? You know, he's going to get mad and angry. That's fine. But you need to focus on you. Like you got to stop focusing on this, like pretend family that you, you know, created over the past couple of years.

All right. All right. I agree with everything. Best of luck. So much. Thank you so much. You're going to get bored and lonely. Just fight it when you do.

I'll be strong all right thank you there's something better for you all right i know all right bye-bye how's it going hi nick hi what's your name hi i'm allison i'm 24 hi allison how can i help hi so i'll try to keep it short and sweet So I kind of like my friend's ex-boyfriend, but I would say like I'm not really friends with her anymore. So coincidentally, but as of before like the pandemic, I would say like her and like her group of friends were like my club friends.

Like I wouldn't know if I would consider her like an actual genuine friend I saw her like maybe two times last year but the thing is like she still thinks we're good friends so anyway she broke up with her now ex-boyfriend maybe like two months ago and I would say like like not that we like flirted with each other but it was like I always like got a vibe or I feel like we like always like had a thing and I'm kind of like shy and weird around guys for me to like be comfortable around someone and like have good banter and like all of that like I don't know I feel like maybe now he's available with that's why i'm liking him but so like my question is i don't know if i should pursue it and like i don't know if like how to go about it and i don't even know if he likes me so it's like i don't know well let's focus on your friends first yes well friend so but she thinks you're friends with her yes why and why

aren't you friends with her i think that i like would say i hold my friends to like a high standard and like she she has like a sister that she's really close with so she's not as close with her friends so i feel like she doesn't get the same out of her friendships that like i get from my friendships so she like her definition of a friendship is different than me so are you like you're not friends with her or you're just like you don't like her you could give a shit what she thinks about you that's the thing is like i like her but it's like and i would feel a little bad but it's just like we're really not close anymore like i barely talk to her okay like she actually called me for two hours telling me when she broke up with him and i thought that was very weird because i haven't

heard from her for months and i was like wait like are we on that level okay and what do you think you should do so like i know it sounds bad but it's like i feel like i if i'm like that comfortable around him and like there's so many reasons where i could see like it working like i feel like i don't know if i should go about in a way that's not that aggressive like maybe i could just like casually like pursue a friendship with him and then see what happens i don't know what about these other friends like i mean here's the thing i guess you just have to if you don't really care about what this girl thinks about you um i don't know how tight your like friend group is or like you said your club friends i mean the pandemic's going to be ending soon you know do you think you could develop a reputation

based off of of this i mean listen it's going to sound the optics if we're just considering optics the optics are going to look shitty that she called you and you let her talk for two hours about her boyfriend and then you pursued the boyfriend like i get you know i get it you didn't ask her to call i understand that you never you know and you're right it makes it can make a lot of sense where you're like i'm not that good of friends with them and then that happens all the time people are all of a sudden like someone asked me to stand up in their wedding. I didn't know we were friends. Like that happens. I get it, right? But she shouldn't find out.

The right thing to do if you wanted to just be kind of a stand-up person is to have her not find out from anyone else but you that you want to pursue this guy. I mean, listen, you don't have to do it but if if you ask me what's like the most noble and high character thing to do that would be it because you being friends with her or not friends with her has nothing to do with like you know your character doing the right thing i'm not You don't owe it to her. It's not the end of the world,

but there's a reason why you're calling and asking, you know, there's something inside of you that kind of feels like it could be wrong. And now you're trying to justify it and convince yourself that it's not that big of a deal, but at least it's some kind of deal. Yeah, I was thinking that, but i know if i was to even bring it up like she would just go off sure but you're letting her know it's not about whether she's going to be mad or not you're not you're not trying to save the relationship you said you're not you're not really you're not even that interested in being friends with her but you're

just saying hey listen i you, I, you know, that's, that would be the high character thing to do. And you know, not everyone's going to do that. Most people aren't going to do that. I agree. But I,

I'm just trying to like address the thing that's causing you to call in and ask. Yeah. So like, right. Because part of it, but I think like the other like me thing is is like i'm 24 and i've never had a boyfriend right so i feel like i'm always looking or like

i'm interested in guys i know aren't like a good idea or like i feel like i don't know if i'm like self-sabotaging or it's like i'm making it easier for myself where i are you on dating yeah why i mean what's so special about this guy that he's so much better than all the other guys on the dating apps that you think you should pursue him solely based on the fact that like he was friendly to you no that's the thing is like i feel like i don't meet enough guys and like the industry that i'm in and stuff i I'm around like gay guys all the time. Like I'm really like not around that many, but I don't know. Sure, but like people work from home and work with, yeah, that's, work is one way to meet

people. And I get the pandemic has really slowed thing, slowed like socializing down, but I mean, dating apps, like you are. you are like really bad right now i don't know it's like are you going on dates like when you go on a dating app what's let's focus on your dating app etiquette like what's that like i like probably could spend more time on it but i feel like it always ends up better when like a guy likes me on the app. What do you mean by that? I feel like when they like me, and normally they initiate it and actually go somewhere,

as opposed to if I was just like them, the chances of me matching with them are like, I don't know. And I feel like it never even happens. Because they're pursuing you. Also, I think I'm too picky. I realize that, but I don't know. I have a hard time with it. Yeah. No, I don't doubt that.

But you have a lack of experience. And so you sound like you have a bit of a juvenile approach to dating, if I'm being honest. Right? You seem very sweet. And there's a lot of... But yeah. And so... Please be blunt.

I don't care. It's a little... Like this whole idea that you like like the guy in the friend group like it's a very kind of high school-ish you know i don't know this guy you're not like i love him i know everything about him we're best friends like he's kind of cute he's flirted with you maybe he's been like kind of nice you think maybe you've had a connection but you're not sure that's high school you know that could be you described literally anyone on the dating app or at a bar so like you're you're you're even though you're not friends with her you know like it's just drama you're potentially inviting into your life and also you can get a reputation of it's not gonna

go over well for you like this girl's gonna like oh yeah my reputation is like pristine so she's gonna talk a lot of shit and listen if you like i wouldn't tell you to worry about that if you were like hey like there's a there's a scenario which you can convince me you should go for this guy but you're not you're not convincing me you know there's nothing there other than like you think maybe you like him no yeah that's the thing is i think i fixate on like little things just because i don't have anything really to compare it to so i think you kind of need to grow up a little bit when it comes to dating right and i think you need to do things that don't necessarily come easily and and get a

little uncomfortable with you with shooting your shot, getting rejected by a guy, having a guy go out with you. If you're on your dating apps, are you having any conversations with guys you're matching with? Yeah, but it's like it never really goes anywhere or I feel like-

Are you always waiting for them to ask you to go? Have you said, hey, do you want to FaceTime date tonight or Zoom date or do you want to grab a cup of coffee or go for a walk I've done that a few times and actually like this year I would say I had like a date plan with maybe like five guys and they all cancel like the day over the date before it just been like yeah listen yeah I don't doubt that it's discouraging, but it's okay. It's just keep on going. What do you, they're all canceling. And this has happened to me like probably a lot over the years.

What are you doing? Like what are, how much conversations are you having with them leading up to these planned dates? I feel like I used to tell people too much and I've learned like recently like they're not entitled to know like a lot of things like why do they get to know I never had a boyfriend or like why do they why should I tell them half these things so now I don't know if that means like I'm coming off cold or not no exactly and I haven't been but like I don't know if that means

I'm coming off cold now or I'm not saying anything but it's just like I feel like I don't know if that means i'm coming off cold now or i'm not saying anything but it's just like i feel like i don't want i want to tell them the bare minimum now you can tell them about yourself there's i i'm assuming there's a lot about you in general right you don't have to like but you're focused on your dating life so don't be closed off. Like, you know, movies, like, what do you, like, your likes and dislikes, your sexual history, your dating history, your personal stories, family drama. Like, that's none of their fucking business. They're strangers, right?

But, like, your interests, what makes you laugh, you know, like, those are first date kind of conversations. That's okay to share like just you know like are you asking i mean i don't think in a dating app situation like it's solely based off of looks for the most part so like i definitely think both men and women make the mistake of talking too much via text on a dating app just get to a zoom date or get to a facetime date get to a walk in the park get to a face-to-face encounter you know because everything else prior to that is is gonna have miscommunication in it right and you're right there's gonna be you know there's the fuck boys and ghosting and a lot of people have so many options and everyone is going to experience

the the the last minute ghosting or the last minute like cancellations that's that's an unfortunate result of the abundance of dating apps and how much access we have that we have to like anyone's dms tiktok like everyone has all this access. That's going to happen. So I think you need to power through that and just keep focusing on that. Because my guess is you've decided you like this guy based off the fact that it seems to be the most convenient and easiest option. And I don't doubt that he's attractive.

But yes, I think it would be, it's not worth it based off the information you're telling me to go to risk much for this guy risk your reputation risk this girl who like hurting hurting this girl's feelings even if you're not like that's there's a lot of collateral damage to pursue a guy that you have or have have convinced yourself you like based off of convenience. Yeah, I agree. It's mostly convenience. You're still only 24. Just kind of go out, have some fun, you know.

Like, hopefully this pandemic will end soon, this summer. Everyone's going to be real excited this summer and you know so yeah i live in brooklyn and i have to say the city's like getting back and i used to like go out i feel like that's how i used to meet guys so like just this past year has been like hard yeah i mean i don't know i don't know if if i were in my early 20s i don't know if i'd want to be single this summer. No, yeah. I'm over it. I think it's just like now I'm happy with my job now and I'm just getting at a point where I'm just angry

and I'm over it. I feel like I'm 24. Come on already. I'm just over it. You're only 24. Over what? I don't know. Like not having a boyfriend.

I'm the only one of my friends and it's been like that for years. And they're all blissfully happy well not well maybe they make it out to be but yeah i don't know it's not like they're married and i'm just trying to like go out and have a good time we'll get make new friends yeah that's another thing i'm home from work so it's like no i'm trying i think keep trying don't get discouraged you got a fun summer coming up you know practice safe sex i think uh syphilis and herpes are going to come back in a big way this summer so be careful uh but uh other than that just embrace the freedom and the excitement that's certainly

going to come from the next several months of people getting vaccinated and the pandemic you know winding down and and the excitement going out and you know there's a drawback to that but just uh have fun enjoy it embrace you know get out there and and push yourself to you know don't worry about what other people are doing just challenge yourself to not get discouraged and and and meet guys and and don't let your being discouraged get you to settle on anyone i think like the only thing is like i feel like as good as all this sounds it's like I feel like I never take people's advice. Like, I don't know. Well, that's something you should practice.

No, yeah. Or you could just keep doing the same thing over and over, you know, and we all know what that is, right? So you'll be okay. You're going to figure it out. And I'm not saying forget about this guy, but I don't think there's any reason to go out of your way and go out on a limb and you're like pursue this guy really hard yeah i think i only like him just because there's no one right now so maybe maybe you'll run into him later this

summer and maybe you guys have you know and if you guys have a hot night and he's just going hard of the paint like and he wants to make out fucking go for it but other than that that's the thing i feel like he has to initiate it or the thing is like i feel like i normally always initiate everything so it's like i feel bad to go out of my way and do that well i wouldn't feel bad but i i would just keep keep uh just keep open mind. Keep dating. Yeah, I mean, I'll try. It's not fun now.

You're going to be fine. You're only 24. Yeah, I know. Yeah, you're going to be okay. All right? Well, thank you. All right. Best of luck.

All right, bye-bye. Bye. Well, what a great episode episode thanks so much for listening again uh tune in tomorrow for our conversation with dave holmes an update in all things bachelor nation news we'll discuss obviously colton coming out uh we'll discuss uh what's next uh on the horizon for bachelor nation katie season paradise michelle season we'll talk maybe a little bit of chris on the horizon for Batch Nation, Katie's season, Paradise, Michelle's season. We'll talk maybe a little bit of Chris Harrison, casting of The Bachelor. You know, I have some thoughts on that.

And I think it'll be a very interesting episode. And on Wednesday, Susan Cain joins us to talk about being an introvert versus extrovert. And you won't want to miss that because we all have a lot to learn about ourselves. Bye.