The Viall Files - E262 Ask Nick - Test Me, Lose Me

Episode Date: April 26, 2021

It's Monday which means it is time for Ask Nick. Today we start with someone who has been living in a toxic relationship with a boyfriend who tests her, gets irrational, and gaslights her. Then, you get a little insight into what goes on between callers as our own Amanda gets some Ask Nick advice herself after questioning whether or not she should Venmo-back the cost of a gift from someone she was seeing. Nick, of course, digs a little deeper and opens a whole different can of worms. Our next caller has always been attracted to guys with that Big D*ck Energy, but now she is dating an introvert and is not sure how to handle the getting-to-know-you process with him.  We then chat with a women who keeps having anxiety about her relationship that is actually going well, but her partner continually gives her compliments and it makes her nervous. Our final caller is starting to date people outside of her trust circle, and she is faced with trying to figure out the right time for her to tell her dates that she has a sexually transmitted disease as she faces the constant stigmas that go along with this conversation.  “It is ok to question why someone is complimenting you.” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  For merch please visit www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Ritual: http://www.ritual.com/VIALL for 10% off during your first 3 months  Modern Fertility: http://www.modernfertility.com/VIALL to get $20 off the test.  Public Goods: http://www.publicgoods.com/VIALL use code VIALL at checkout to receive $15 off your first order.  Chime: http://www.chime.com/VIALL to signup and join the millions on Chime.  Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What's going on everybody happy Monday to you all I hope you had a great weekend we are uh the team is here me ali amanda chrissy uh and it's uh another wonderful and positive inspirational fun ask nick ask ask nick ask nick episode you'd think i'd be able to enunciate the titles where's justin long when you need him of our show yeah but it's a really fun episode and we are excited to bring it to you uh don't forget to send in your questions at ask nick at cast media.com uh we we so appreciate the vulnerability of our callers and and once again that they brought their a-game today and uh if you have a story wanting you to share it, don't worry. You can be anonymous if you don't want anyone to know it's your story. And we really appreciate it. So don't forget to send those in. We love this show. We love bringing it to you. And we hope you guys really, really

enjoy it. Before we start our callers, I guess we probably should mention the recent news between my friend Demi and Rally Steve. I really hate talking about this stuff. It gives me a ton of anxiety because the question is always, is it worth it? Obviously, I got a lot of criticism in the past for having, well, not for having Steve on, but having Steve on and doing a bad job of not showing my bias while interviewing Steve. And I did, I wish I could have done a better job of, you know, exposing my bias and therefore kind of taking away my credibility when it came to conducting an interview. But obviously, I hope it seems to be more clear why that bias exists because it does exist wasn't

easy for what Demi did I know she had a lot of fear about it and if you aren't aware of how this all came to be the ladies from the chatty broads recently apparently uncovered some a list of problematic things that Steve has said specifically about women from the franchise and then uh apparently that was a catalyst for for demi to talk about this um sex dream that steve uh decided it was okay to describe to denny demi he had a her and then ask her to keep it a secret it's frustrating frustrating, man. You know, again, I did such a bad job of not exposing my bias that, you know, I don't know if it empowered Steve even more. I think it's important that people understand how Steve makes his money. He has a website he

run and it's search engine optimization. So it's ad placement on his website. So the more traffic he gets, the more money he makes. So it doesn't matter what's true or not, right? The more traffic, the more money he gets. So when he got it wrong about Jenna Cooper and essentially ruined her life for a year, he profited from that. When Jenna Cooper went on his podcast life for a year, he profited from that. When Jenna Cooper

went on his podcast to get an apology from Steve, when she cleared her name, he made money from that. There seems to be a huge conflict of interest there because he doesn't have a boss or an editor or a legal team the things that he does you know and uh i think that makes me feel so shitty about how i conducted the interview i had with him is obviously i empowered the guy even more um you know he came on this podcast and made it do a lot of things and and um it didn't seem to matter. And that must have empowered him more. And a month later, then he did what he did to Demi. And then after Demi cut him off,

Steve decided to tell his audience that I was the reason that Demi cut him off and not the reason that was true, which is Steve made an unwanted sexual advance at Demi. And that's Steveve that's who reality steve is you know that was you know he spreads assumptions and bias and makes up stories and tells his audience uh and blames other people and it affects their lives and uh every time we bring up his name we get anxiety and there's a fear of either his audience or certain people who support what he does or him saying things.

Because again, it's hard to hold him accountable. The only way to hold him accountable is to knock on his website because it doesn't matter if what he puts out is true or not. He still makes money from it. And I just think that's pretty scary. So that's all I'll say about that uh again just super proud of of my friend demi and just one last thing uh we got in the weeds when steve was on my podcast and you know lately i think it's really frustrating for many people in bachelor that Steve talks so much about how poor the franchise is on protecting the mental health of cast.

And just last week with Dave Holmes, we mentioned that the show definitely needs to do better in that department. But it's really frustrating when Steve gets on that train, given some of the many mental health problems and issues he's raised with many cast and the fact that he acts so oblivious to that is not only frustrating but really scary for the people who are involved um because you're right he can't be fired uh you can't shut down his website and as long as as people choose to consume the things that he puts out um he will continue to affect the mental health of people on that show and um i just think it's you know it sucks anyway, guys. More importantly, let's get to the Ask Nick callers.

And once again, we really appreciate your support of the show and listening. And I hope you guys enjoy this episode. How's it going? Hey, I'm Kristen. I'm 30 and I am from British Columbia. Hi, how can I help? Hey. Hey, so I just recently, about a month ago, got out of a relationship where I was constantly

felt like I was wrong and that I was doing stuff wrong. I was walking on eggshells i was insecure i was essentially the problem in every aspect gotcha uh who broke up with who honestly i can't even answer that question because in the final fight i was the one who had said if you continue to talk to me like this we're breaking up yeah and then he said okay we're breaking up and i was like okay so great i guess mutual mutual i don't know well it sounds like you finally stood your ground and that's good yeah that is that is what happened yeah um in any relationship two people are always at fault but

like no one should feel like they're walking on eggshells. And if you are feeling like you're walking on eggshells, then even if you are making mistakes, everyone makes mistakes in relationships. You know what I'm saying? Right? Oh, for sure. In a healthy relationship, you should be with a partner that's willing to work through that with you, not constantly bringing up every mistake you've ever done in the past or or yelling at you for every little thing that you you do and and venting and taking out their anger that they've built up about life for everything out on you yeah was that oh my gosh is that what was going on it was um well we were

together for like about two years um up until about November of 2020, we were like absolutely perfect. Like we lived together. We did everything together. We had like we loved each other's family. We loved each other's friends. We had same interests. We had the same, you know, we wanted the same things in life. Everything seemed to be perfect.

Yeah, so it actually was perfect up until this one fight we got in christmas essentially we were going out for his friend's birthday his friend had a club rented out so we went to the club everything seemed fine we were having so much fun as we usually did um in the evening it was going on i was talking to his friend for a bit he was there with me We bought his friend a drink. We drank it together. We were all having fun, I thought. We went home. Everything seemed perfectly fine. We went to bed. 4 a.m., I was woken up to him standing over top of me, just screaming at me, telling me, you're having an affair with my friend. think you're sleeping with him there's something between

you guys like it was just like completely out of nowhere we had never fought about another girl or another guy in a relationship like it was like completely like blind i was blindsided by it essentially i still to this day don't know where it came from okay well that sounds nuts. It was crazy. So in that moment, like, knowing that you did nothing wrong, knowing that... No. Right? Yeah. I guess good on you if you were like,

all right, I know I did nothing wrong, but I'm going to do an inventory of all of my actions and could I be preserved as flirting? And it sounds like you did that because you stuck with him and then you came to a conclusion like, nope, still confused about how... Yeah. could i be preserved as flirting and it sounds like you did that because you stuck with him and then you came to a conclusion like nope still confused about how yeah like did you ever come to the conclusion that like he's you know acting delusional that was my conclusion but i did not want to say that because i still loved him but i did try and look for it like i tried to talk

about it i tried to be like you know I don't really appreciate that you did that. I feel like I didn't deserve that. And he pretty much just said, like, you did deserve that. Like you acted out of line. And I was like, I don't think I did, though. Like I it was just a normal conversation. He was there for the conversation. It was nothing weird.

So it's almost like hard to explain it because no i mean i think a lot of people can relate to this it's tough right because this happened out of the blue it shocked you all oh yeah in a period in which you felt love for this person right yeah the reality is is like this is not much different than someone breaking up with you out of the blue he didn't break up with you out of the blue. He didn't break up with you, right? Like he just got mad and yelled at you. And sometimes we get surprised and blindsided by some people we love, right?

But he didn't break up with you, right? So like you were grappling with this feelings of love for him while realizing this person has a side to him that you didn't see before this extraordinarily jealous side that was so sensitive so toxic or whatever that rational thinking and behavior went out the door right yeah and it sounds it sounds like you spent and i get good on you for like you know trying to do the right thing and talking to him and understand and empathize and all these things that you you know normal people do in a relationship but you were trying to act rational to someone who was acting irrationally and listen sometimes it happens in relationships but he continued to do this and this went on and on and on and on and on and on

and uh you finally came to an understanding that you two couldn't get on the same page and you broke up and how long did this go on for this period of when he first reacted to when you finally broke up for like i was actually i gotta say i was really unsure about our relationship after that fight because i was just like i don't know where this came from i know i don't deserve that like i know my worth i know i didn't deserve what he did to me um but there was a period after that all throughout from say beginning of december all throughout christmas where um he was doing little things and every time we had plans or every time we were going to go do something together or something wouldn't come up he would do this thing called testing me where just for example one night we had plans and he was like oh well i'm actually like gonna go out

with the guys instead and i was just like, you know, we had plans tonight. I thought we were going to do something together. And he pretty much told me the next day after he did finally say, okay, we'll do something together. He said that was a test. That was a test to see how you would react to me wanting to essentially do something else. Oh, my gosh. I was just like okay so here's a cool quote let's answer a couple yes or no questions or give me some specific numbers like so from the first time he did this thing woke up over you yelling at you to the time you broke up

how long was that period of time uh three months four months and then how long were you dating before it first happened a year and a half year and a half okay listen that happens right you know there's a good lesson here that you can date so it takes what it takes a long time for us to get to know one another it takes a long time for people to feel comfortable enough in relationships to truly be themselves and sometimes it takes a year and a half right and that sucks for you because you invest all this time and you felt love but it's happened to a lot of people before you know people who date for three years and break up they realize you know it wasn't because you know they changed

but lots of times it's because they finally got comfortable enough to truly be themselves and that's why dating and relationships are hard the lesson you can learn from here from this is that like that day that he woke up and said hey by the way that was a test you should immediately have been like this is really going to be really hard for me to process internally but like we need to break up because that is some scary toxic behavior that is nuts you're like no relation if you're in a relationship where someone like treats you like a lab rat and tests and they admit to testing you break up immediately i know that's not a relationship i really should have you know he is not your teacher mentor you know you're not again you're not a science experiment it's called communication

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after that, you know what, there wasn't really a big blow up after that until like our final breakup after that it was kind of just like little things where yeah but the fact that i'm not trying to make you feel bad but because you didn't break up with him in that moment like it was just basically a bomb that had delayed it's like blow up time you know what i'm saying so like whatever happened in between that moment, he woke up and said, I was testing you to the time you finally broke up is kind of irrelevant. You know,

whether you had good and bad days in between or whatever, like you had, that was your answer. Yeah, that was, that was like, you know, God or whatever you believe in saying you guys are going to break up.

This is over. It's toxic. And it just took you three months to finally like muscle saying, you guys are going to break up. This is over. It's toxic. And it just took you three months to finally like muscle up, you know, and that's fine because you had to like basically, he shocked you with this like, I'm a, this is crazy and toxic.

To you processing, I still feel love for you, but like realizing and getting to know who he really is. So our final, like the week and we broke up, we rented an Airbnb with two of my friends. And so we go out to this Airbnb.

Again, I think we're having a few drinks. I think we're having so much fun. I'm like with my two best friends, having the time of my life. And we go to bed that night and his phone was just vibrating on the side table as I'm trying to sleep. And I was like, okay, I'm really trying to sleep right now. His phone was just vibrating on the side table as I'm trying to sleep and I was like okay I'm really trying to sleep right now his phone is like ringing off

the hook so I was like you know can you turn off your vibrate and whatever I said in that sentence set him off and that's when he went off on me and I finally looked at him and I said honestly I asked you to turn off your vibrate if you're going to talk to me like this i'm breaking up with you like i'm not taking this anymore and he went off on me he called me every name under the sun and this is like a few hours from my hometown right and he got up and actually left me and my friends at the airbnb like hours away from our home i mean at this point whatever you tell me is not shocking no and i know deep down it's not but like what are you having a hard time with i just feel like i did something wrong still like i'm like how can here's what any here's what you did wrong

someone handed you a bomb and it had a timer on it and it was had a countdown tick tick tick tick tick and you knew it was a bomb you're like this is a fucking dangerous bomb and then all of a sudden like the timer slowed down and it paused it stopped for a second you're like you know what i'm not gonna get rid of this and i'm not gonna call the bomb squad i'm not gonna like get it out of my house i'm just gonna let this bomb like hang out here because like it's the countdown stopped so maybe maybe we're good yeah and you just like forgot it there and then all of a sudden it went down 10 more seconds and you're like oh fuck and then it stopped again you're like you know what i'm still gonna keep the bomb in the house and it kept going and finally it blew up and now you're like trying to understand why it blew up you know what i'm saying that's what you're doing in this

moment so you knew he you're you're doing in this moment. So you knew you're having a hard time processing that you deep down, you know, three months ago, someone, he told you, I'm a bomb. I'm going to go off. It's only a matter of time. And you try to convince yourself that it would magically never go off, even though it just slowly and intermittently count down. Sometimes it would stop, and then the timer would just sit there at eight minutes and 33 seconds for a week. And then it would go down to 8.01.

You're like, ah, getting a little close, but you know what? It stopped again. Maybe it will stay there at 8.01 forever. And that's what you did. It was like every week he was telling me, because I got really insecure. I was like every week he was telling me because i got really insecure i was like you know like why did you change what's happening i was trying to

understand why he wasn't the same person and in turn he would tell me i was insecure but and i was sure yeah that's called gaslighting right so yeah he gaslighted and i think but even if you did something wrong right you know what i'm saying because again people in any relationship the healthiest relationships people make mistakes right some most of these are not forgivable mistakes you just learn from it but even if he even if you cheated on him like it's not it wouldn't have been his fault you cheated on him it doesn't give him an excuse to call you a name or verbally abuse you. It certainly wouldn't be an excuse to physically abuse you

if he was mad that you cheated. You know what I'm saying? Like, that's not an excuse, right? So like, you just have to accept that like the way he handled his anger and his insecurities was so incredibly wrong and toxic. And that was reason. So like you trying to figure out if you did anything wrong or what you might

have done wrong, is there relevant because what he did wrong is how he handled his anger. And the only guarantee you could have given him or any guy you date in the future is that you're going to upset them, that there will be situations where they misread your intentions right that's a guarantee in any relationship you know when people say i love you to each other for the first time they also say i also promise to make you mad because that is a promise that everyone should that's the only one promise you can make in any relationship i'm going to piss you off you're not going to be intentional but i'm going to

fuck up you know i'm going to say something and we're going to like we're going to misread each other and what you did wrong is you doubted yourself the things you didn't trust your gut enough you made excuses for him and that's fine i'm not trying to criticize you but that's what you can learn from it right yeah you're wasting energy trying to see if you were if again it doesn't matter if you made a mistake it doesn't matter if he was right with his accusations it's how he handled his anger and his insecurities was so toxic that you shouldn't have been in that relationship because of how he handled it because of this you know what i'm saying do you understand that though that's important for you understand because once you understand that you will stop feeling the way

you're feeling right now and stop questioning if you did something it's a completely irrelevant you will make mistakes in relationships you should be allowed to make mistakes without walking on eggshells without feeling fear because the people that's the person who says they love you even though sometimes you might trigger them and you might really hurt their feelings and sometimes yeah they'll raise your voice and sometimes they might even yell and that might happen over time but in a way that like this toxic and just testing you and and that's fucked up and you shouldn't have to deal with that and that is again like that's why you broke up again that's that's that's that's why we broke up you know it was yeah he was like texting me after even just

being like i didn't love you like you were just too nice that I felt bad for you and all this stuff. Like I was just like, oh my God, like this is never ending. Like I'm never, this guy is just like out to ruin my entire life right now. Like again, making me feel like I did stuff wrong. But you didn't. So you know you didn't, right? We know this. We can agree on that.

Can we agree now, despite your fears, that you can end this call and say, I did nothing to deserve the way he treated me. Yes. I think deep down I knew that, but I think I needed to hear another person's opinion. Any energy wasted on wondering what you might have done wrong in the relationship is irrelevant because this is about how he handled his frustrations and you didn't deserve the way he handled being mad. And this sounds like an incredibly toxic, potentially dangerous person who I really feel for his next girlfriend especially knowing that he knows how to hide it for a good period of time yeah he was and he was very very very very he got very angry and he was not physical with me but he would yeah get physical with other things he would yeah eat up stuff around the house yeah dangerous guy he's a dangerous guy yeah i yeah you should block him you should he's not your problem blocked and deleted off everything is not your problem and the only thing you can learn from it

is to you know again be better at dissecting whether like it doesn't matter what you did again even if you cheated on him and that would make you a cheater and that wouldn't be okay and i'd have to be like hey don't cheat that sucks that was a dick move it doesn't justify him doing what he did those are two two things can be true at the same time so you're wasting all this energy thinking about well what could i have done better you know when you go he treated about, well, what could I have done better? When you go, he treated me so well before. He did everything for me. It was like a dream.

And then when you just lose it right away and someone tells you that you're insecure, this is your fault. I'm acting this way because of you. It's just like, well, what did I do to get here? No, it's scary. And it's so disheartening because, again, that was like a year and a year and a half it seemed fine and that sucks and this is like a worst case scenario it's happened to other people from you know thankfully it doesn't happen all that much but you aren't the first person for this to happen to and it's scary it sucks and that's the worst part because it does

it takes it takes time to get to know someone. It takes time for someone to be so comfortable enough that they can truly act like themselves. And sometimes people will surprise you about who they really are when they get real comfortable. A lot of stuff has come to light about the relationship too since we broke up. Like a lot of, actually his cousin approached me and said, pretty much was like, can we FaceTime? I just want to talk to you about everything. So we FaceTimed me and said pretty much was like can we face time i just want

to talk to you about everything so we face time and she just pretty much told me all these lies he had been telling me that she was even scared to tell me the truth about yeah because she's scared of him too and i was just like is everyone scared of this guy like i am or is this just like yeah and listen it's just i felt like everything was a lie. Yeah. And it was, and that's okay. And like, and you might have to do some processing about, you know, building up some trust and let not, not let this guy impact future relationships because it can be scary, right? I can only imagine how scared you might be to like trust and love in the future, knowing that he fooled you and lied to you. And maybe, you know, think about considering some therapy to work through that. If

you're feeling a level of, you know, not being able to open up and trust, because I could understand how you might feel that way. But it's really important to know where you can take some ownership is that, you know, you, again, he was a bomb. He told you I'm a bomb. He showed you he was a bomb and you pretended he wasn't a bomb and next time someone does that be like i i know yep that that's a bomb bombs go off yeah and it would be nuts to let a bomb live in your house without even if you know they're like you don't you don't guess if it's diffused or not okay yeah so once someone proves to be a bomb you remove them from your life and i am i am going to therapy so i'm taking a step in the right direction yeah so there's

definitely light at the end of this tunnel it's not i hope there's there's things you can learn from it's you know um it's um you know some parts of life are just dumb bad luck and you know what i'm saying and uh you don't have to judge yourself you don't have you know and and and don't go into your next relationship with all these walls up if you can help it and just get better at paying attention to when those signs do present themselves. Cause that is what you could have done a better job at. I agree. I do struggle with that.

So I'm going to keep that in mind next time. All right. Yep. All right. Well, thanks for calling him. Thanks for talking. All right.

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That is Chime.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Chime is a financial technology company. Banking services provided by the Bank Corp on Stride Bank N.A. Members FDIC eligibility requirements and overdraft limits apply. Overdraft only applies to debit card purchases. Limits start at $20 and may be increased up to 100 by chime early direct deposit depends on the payer out of network cash withdrawal fees apply third party and cash deposit fees may apply go to chime.com slash v-i-a-l-l for details i have an ask nick topic it was a personal thing great i'm curious i feel guilty because this guy i was seeing um it was like we started dating or like we started seeing each other in january

and then he got me a vibrator for my birthday what this guy was seeing got me a vibrator for my birthday is that amanda talking yes that totally tracks for amanda i don't know why anyone's surprised i didn't have one and he was shocked at that and he was like i want to get he was like so it came up organically in conversation right that i do not have a vibrator and then this guy was like wait that's shocking that's perfect like i because it's like i have no idea what to get you for your birthday like it's that weird ambiguity like it's that weird middle ground phase where it's like and you weren't like straight up boyfriend

and girlfriend no not at all but he was like he was like i'll get you on that's the perfect birthday gift i don't know but you're fun sex partners so that's fun and then things ended and now i feel guilty did he ask for it back no but i ended because he bought you a vibrator but on one hand i was like should i get him for it but i was also like i wouldn't have spent this much on a vibrator that was a gift how much did you spend on it is it a good one it's like 150 i think it was like a hundred dollars do i don't i don't like don't give a gift i get why you would feel weird i don't think you should feel weird if like if you want to keep using it go nuts like uh i think it's also you guys are like having sex and that's like something you brought into your sex life. So that's fun.

I don't think what he did was anything wrong, but it's a little like, I don't know. I just feel bad because I think like I was the one who was like, at first I was like, oh, I don't think I want to, I was like, I don't want to be hooking up exclusively anymore. And then I was like,

I actually don't want to hook up with you at all anymore. And so I feel like I was the one who sort of ended stuff and that it was like very close after listen if you're a guy good good on you for being sex positive sex toy positive and realizing that your tool isn't the only tool that she might enjoy during the bedroom nevertheless if you're going to gift a woman a sex toy before you two are in a like serious committed relationship understand that because it's not in a committed serious relationship and even if it is it can still end so like that's kind of on you wait is someone asking for this toy back no but i'm just saying, I feel guilty because I'm like, why? Why?

Don't just go do yourself and get over it. What's he going to do with it? Use it on himself? Like, no. I mean, and just to be clear,

he hasn't like thrown it in your face. Like, but I got you a dildo. No. If I gave back everything that someone had given to me, I wouldn't have any

fine jewelry left. Like, no, you keep it. You know, Ali, Ali's like, I have to give back wouldn't have any fine jewelry left like no you keep it you know ali ali's like i have to give back my fine jewelry and i'm like i gotta give back dildos there's a that's so the personality there is a reason why vibrators and dildos don't come with strings attached is because they don't, they shouldn't. I think I feel bad because I think,

one, he's like a PhD student. So it's like, he's not like some like consultant with a ton of disposable income. So because he's getting a PhD, you want to give him his bill? I just mean that he's a student. And like, I think- You're not, you're not like, you're not his accountant.

You're not here to manage his money. You're not his business manager. I just feel, I feel like maybe he bought it with the like, you're not as accountant. You're not here to manage his money. You're not his business manager. I just feel, I feel like maybe he bought it with the, like the pretense that like we were, cause we were playing house a little bit at one point and it was gone. This is the guy you're playing house with just for a weekend. Well,

yeah, this is all on him. And if you don't want to keep using it, throw it away. But like, I don't care about you. You don't need to Venmo him for something. He bought you months ago. Is that what you're debating yeah she literally said that she was like maybe i should

venmo him for it i'm like do not venmo him honestly you there's a greater chance he'll he'll be more annoyed and hurt that you venmo yeah in bling empire do you remember this anna gifted a bunch of those designer clothes and what's kevin tried give them back, and she said that was rude. Listen to Bling Empire. Kelly would want you to listen to Anna. Kelly Mealy, favorite guest. If I were a guy, and I wouldn't do it, but if I were a guy and I'd just randomly give a girl a vibrator

because we dated for a week, I wouldn't want it back. I had a gay best friend buy me a vibrator. Either way, just listen. It's a gift. Yeah, it's a gift. wouldn't want it back i had a like a gay best friend buy me a vibrator either way i would just listen it's a gift yeah it's a gift yeah if he took you out for dinner what where is the guilt coming from do you feel like you let him on i feel guilty because it's like very new for me to prioritize like my own desire like i think i tend to when i feel like loyalty to someone or when I feel like someone is like doing something for me, then like, I feel like I usually need to return that with loyalty. So this is like very new for me to be like, there was nothing like wrong with him, but I was like, this was the first time where I was like, yeah, but there's also

nothing like particularly right. And so I think I just feel like this is the first time that I'm like, I feel like I really was like, oh, I have a really high bar for like the type of people I want in my life and you don't meet it. Versus in the past, like the bar has been like slightly lower. And he was like, he treated me really well and he was really nice to me. So I think I'm just like feeling bad. Like I'm seeing this from, I'm seeing the interaction from his side. How did he handle you ending the relationship? Like, well, okay. So the first, so it started, we'd had a conversation about exclusivity only as it relates to like COVID. Just like, I was sort of like, listen, at this stage in relationship, usually it would be like none of my business if you're hooking up with other people. But like, just because of COVID, like, like, can you just like, let me know?

Like, keep me, like, keep me in the loop. And he was like, yeah, totally. But like, I'm not. And I was like, okay, I'm not either but like we established that and that's not doesn't mean anything so then i like so then i amended that later on and he would it was just like he would text a lot and he was like he was someone who would schedule dates like he made it very clear that i was like a priority how did he handle you ending the relationship well okay so the first time i was like i i said it

came in two phases the first phase was like hey just so you know like i'm kind of in a place where i don't really want to feel like i owe anyone anything so i don't think i can like i don't want to be exclusive well and he was like or not he was like so do you not want to hook up with me anymore and i was like no i'm i'm like i'm down to keep. He got defensive. He was not happy. Well, he was like, he was like, okay. He, and then, okay. To poorly, I guess. And then I texted him to really end it. And he never responded to that.

Yeah. So. And then I sent him a different text about something completely unrelated a few weeks later. And he responded. Just to like, I was just like, are you watching this? Like it was a Trisha Paytas podcast. Shouldn't have done that. Why?

It was a dick move. To what? Because you felt guilty for something you shouldn't feel guilty about. You ended a dating situation, which you had the right to. He got defensive and that's fine. It's not the end of the world. He could have handled it better, but whatever. He just didn't reply.

So you felt guilty unnecessarily so and you let your guilt and you didn't want to feel guilty anymore so you like waited a couple weeks and randomly threw out some benign requests hoping to see if he would respond back so you felt less guilty you did it for your own self at the same time kind of leading him on and giving him some false hope that you might be interested in hooking up again. No, I don't think I gave him false hope. You don't know if he did or not. But either way, you were more concerned about not feeling guilty for something you shouldn't feel guilty about. That's fair.

And you risk leading him on by doing so. Is sending someone a text saying, are you watching this live podcast? Yeah, because it's like, why would you, like you ended it and all of a sudden you're like, it says someone who wants, who is looking for validation and wanted to keep a relationship going in any form will tell themselves anything, you know, so they heard from you. So like, he doesn't know that you were doing it for yourself he's going to think of it as you're thinking about him this made me think about him i watched this thing and he was the person i wanted to ask i mean think about all the things we convince ourselves of he has no context of why you text and deep down all you did is felt guilty about how you ended it also i felt pity

and he i guarantee you when he got that text, he wasn't like, you know what? She's probably just feeling pity. And she wants to not feel guilty. Keep in mind, you had nothing to feel guilty for. And that's how you complicated the situation. And like, yeah, you should have just been okay with disappointing him.

But okay, but from my perspective, I'm also like, first of all, he lives so close to me, which is awesome. But okay. But from my perspective, I'm also like, first of all, he lives so close to me, which is awesome. But I like, I, I think with almost everybody that I've hooked up with, like I am on good terms with them. I think we could have a conversation and hang out and be fine.

And I think that's something that I take pride in and probably shouldn't. That's a different thing. But I like, I'm not saying that. I'm not saying that, but you tried to force the issue. You should have waited for him to be okay with reaching out to you on a benign thing why would he reach out when i ended things with him because like maybe like i've had that happen right i've had that happen with situations and

like you awkwardly run into someone and they're like you know what it's all cool like it's good and then you be i've become friends with those people but at first it's a little complicated it's a little messy egos and feelings are involved But like you were trying to do it on your terms. I thought it was like an olive branch though. I thought it was like an olive branch to be like, hey, like we're so cool. No, it wasn't an olive branch. I think it should always be up to the person

you've broken up with to figure out how they- Want to start a friendship of any kind. And I get annoyed when the person who broke up with me is like trying to figure out if we're friends, if we're not speaking anymore. I'm like, that's not your job. You broke up with me. like trying to figure out if we're friends if we're not speaking anymore i'm like that's not your job you broke up with me it's my right to decide you were a little selfish with not feeling guilty and wanting to make sure and prevent an awkward situation because he lived close to you what if he wasn't ready what if he was still into you what if he was still sad what if he really wanted to hook up like you didn't

know any of those things and you didn't give any fucks but you were just felt a little guilty at a risk of running into him and having a little awkward. I think we're overstating the significance. I don't think it's the end of the world at all. And it's not a big deal. And this shit happens all the time. But if we're just being candid about what that dynamic was,

that's what it was. And I just think in the future, when you feel that you should, to Allie's point, let him write you randomly when he is ready to have that type of platonic relationship with you because you risked leading him on. But I'm like, no,

there's no, but no, I'm a hundred percent. Sure. I'm 100% sure. I'm 100% right. I hear you. I just really... Here's my... I'm not saying you had bad intentions.

I'm not saying that was your intention. I'm just saying that was the result. Could people do bad things? I still believe that because I was the one who ended things, he probably was like, she wants nothing to do with me. She hates me.

And so this was a way of saying, hey, like. You're making excuses. I am. Yeah. It's okay. It happens. Again, I understand all the things you're trying to say. But I'm just saying you were more concerned about your feelings than his when you reached out.

about your feelings than his when you reached out. You didn't consider how he might interpret that text because you were more worried about being the cool chick that he could talk to even though you didn't want to hook up with him anymore. But Nick, I have a shirt that says I'm not a cool chick. I'm just saying. And again, it's not a crime, but these are the little things in dating

that lead to like frustration and miscommunication and and and things like that and they're i mean think of all the women we've talked to who guy says i don't want to hook up anymore they were they invested something maybe they got him some gift or some kind. And he, out of nowhere, is like, yeah, no, it's just not for me. And then a month later, like, hey, you watching this show? Imagine what that girl might think. Oh, maybe he does miss me. Meanwhile, all he wanted to do.

Was make himself feel better. Is make himself feel better for not feeling like a dick. If I ever text an ex, it's usually for my own purposes. It's to make me feel better is make himself feel better for not feeling like a dick if i ever text an ex it's usually for my own purposes it's to make me feel better it's not usually 100 percent of the time it's not about them it's about me being like okay no i'm a good person i'm being hard on you but do you think you're so special that he needed to hear from you is that he couldn't live his life without like making sure no it's not listen nick's giving me some brutal shit before i think he was i think he was debilitated

lying in bed for days on end i think oh my god he could move even if he was that's a growth process that one text from me and then all of a sudden he miraculously he had the will to live because she texted him about a podcast he was watching a podcast on youtube how's it going good how are you good what's your name my name is corral and i'm 23 i'm from la hi corral how can i help so basically in my life i've always been attracted to guys who are really extroverted, really outgoing, with the big dick energy and that hasn't really worked out for me. Usually things go really fast in the beginning, they're like really obsessed with me and then

things just kind of fizzle out. And so I've in 2021, I've tried to date guys kind of out of my type, like even physically. So I've dated more introverts and I'm on the second introvert, I guess it wasn't really intentional. It just kind of happened that way, I guess. But the first guy didn't work out.

He wasn't really like meeting my needs. The second guy, I like a lot more. Um, but he's still like very quiet and I'm very, I'm in the middle. So I'm like an ambivert. And the reason that I've been attracted to extroverts is because they kind of create that safe space for me to talk about things. So we can like talk about things so we can like talk about everything but with this new guy I feel like we can't because like he's not like

that he's kind of quiet I guess like when we're at like dinner getting drinks or something he's very talkative but like even if we're just like laying in a bed he's like gets very quiet and I get very quiet and I don't like like that at all and I'm also like like being sexual and like open about sex is like very important to me and like I guess before like the guys initiated that and so I never had to initiate it but now I'm like I want to like talk about it but like I don't feel comfortable like I can. And like, I don't know what he's comfortable with. And like, we have had sex once, but it wasn't that great. And I didn't feel like totally comfortable like sharing what I wanted or like.

Yeah. So just on this guy alone, forgetting about like your past relationships and trying to try something new and good for you for having the self-awareness to be like, hey, maybe I should expand my comfort zone and try it out. Forgetting about all that. Do you like this guy enough to keep dating him? I think to keep dating him slowly, but I am not anywhere near ready to say I want him to be my boyfriend. Yeah. I guess what I'm saying is whether someone's an introvert or an ambivert or an extrovert,

like, that's great. You have the self-awareness, but, like, I wouldn't get so, like, broad. Like, I can't date an extrovert because, you know, I've dated a handful of them and, like, they were hot and heavy and then it stopped, you know, again, like how old are these guys you're dating? Are they very, do they vary in age? Yeah. They were early twenties. Yeah. So like, yeah, that's just guys in their early twenties. So I wouldn't, I wouldn't, uh, I wouldn't judge all extroverts as a result of, of, of, of that. Um, um and you're right like introverts from time to time

can be a slower burn uh they're more often in their thoughts right and if you are someone who has introverted qualities it could be in her thoughts uh you sometimes appreciate the person who helps break you out of your shell right yeah you know my whole life you know i've had girlfriends or women i've dated like tell me i'm mysterious or wondering what i'm thinking about because it's like when i'm thinking it's obvious that i'm thinking and and then like that's worked to my benefit and then it's also in a dating situation where we're together they're just like they get annoyed you know it makes them sometimes feel insecure because they're like you know we're always worried that someone's thinking

about us and it's really not about us i might be thinking about like you know what peanut butter i should buy tomorrow or something i don't fucking know um yeah i guess it's just like awkward kind of like we're in the bed we just had sex we're not talking we're waking up in the like we're in the bed. We just had sex. We're not talking. We're waking up in the morning. We're not talking. And I don't want to be that girl that's like, what are you thinking about? Because before it was always just kind of like we were talking and it wasn't like, I don't want to force it. Well, what are you thinking about is not forcing it. I think that's actually a great question couples should ask each other more often because i i do it to my girlfriend all the time she does it to me and when she asks me all the time what

i'm thinking because i often look like i'm thinking and she wants an answer and then when i ask what she's thinking she's like nothing i'm like you're clearly thinking about something i see it you know like you can't not be thinking about something, but sometimes we just, and maybe it is like dumb and random. Right. But it's those kind of dumb and random thoughts that help us kind of understand the nuances of who we're dating and who we are. Right. But it's even if it's dumb and random and stupid, it's actually scary to be like, well, do you want to know exactly what I was thinking? Here's what it was.

And you're just like, um, it's not okay. Am I weird? It's a scary thing to do. I don't think it's as easy. I think people take it for granted to be asked what you're thinking and on the spot actually be like, let me play back what I was just thinking word for word without the fear of judgment. I don't think a lot of people, I think most people will edit that. Most of the time, 99 times out of a hundred people are like nothing. And that's not true, Most of the time, 99 times out of 100, people are like nothing.

And that's not true, obviously, because we're thinking about something. But it's a good exercise for people in relationships to ask each other. Like you don't want to be like, what are you thinking? What are you thinking? What are you thinking? But like sometimes it's good to know how we're thinking about things because as you get to know your partner, you will learn how they think. Right? Yeah.

And hopefully by doing so, you will reduce how they think right yeah and hopefully by doing so you will reduce the amount of times you're worried about them thinking something negative about you you will realize they're thinking about like which ham they should order yeah you know or something like that i guess i'm not worried that they're thinking like a negative thing about me i'm just like i just want to know like i guess i just want to be able to talk everything. That was like probably my favorite thing with my relationship with my ex-boyfriend. We were just so close. So if you're going to date, try to date someone different that you're going to have to operate a little bit different as well. Right. Right. So you are going to have to maybe initiate the conversations more than you're used to. Now,

that doesn't mean you have to accept being the one fully responsible to do that but knowing that he is more introverted than the guy you're normally willing to date that you should allow it to give it more time and he should slowly open up to you and help carry the conversations if he does it you might come to a decision about like this isn't a match i need a little bit more right and that's and that's okay for you to feel that way right but don't like be afraid i don't i don't want to i don't want to annoy him and i don't want to be that person like jump start a little bit and see over time if he gets more comfortable yeah i guess with that too like how long do I give it? It's been a little over a month. As long as you want, you know, as long as you know, you tried, if it's just not feeling it,

if all, when you get to the point where you're just like, I don't know, I don't feel like trying anymore. I'm not, if you don't feel like you're, if it's like it's working you know whenever you the excitement wears off yeah that makes sense um whenever you feel like you're doing more work than you should you know there's it's dating you know yeah there's no right or wrong you don't owe him anything he doesn't owe you anything other than respect right and as long as you guys respect each other You don't owe him anything. He doesn't owe you anything other than respect, right? And as long as you guys respect each other, you don't owe him not disappointing him. You don't owe, he doesn't owe you that either. You just owe each other respect. As long as you keep dating, you know, if this, if it doesn't work out with this guy, don't be afraid to test drive another extrovert. The only thing you want to learn from dating extroverts is

recognizing that the more extroverted they are, the more prone they might be to like being super charismatic and excitable early on that makes you feel a false sense of confidence about how they might feel about you. And then you get a little too comfortable. That doesn't mean you should be a cynic or neurotic. You're just a you're more cautious appropriately cautious because no one can be that excited about someone sincerely in the first month or two right yeah is they believe it too yes like in their mind yeah fucking excited yeah totally and that's why like we've you know we've spent a lot of time recently talking about red flags and the spark and fuck the spark, as Logan would suggest, and things like that. And it doesn't make them bad guys.

It doesn't make them bad people. It just means we're all kind of learning about ourselves, right? That's, you know, dating in your 20s and dating early on before you've had a lot of relationships and a lot of heartbreak. It's messy because it's all an experience. It's just a bunch of people getting in race cars without ever being taught how to drive. And you're just all cruising along, just, here we go. You crash and burn, and you're like, oh, fuck, that sucked.

You get a couple emotional injuries through heartbreak, but that's kind of what it's like. Yeah, that's true. We learn on the, you know? Yeah. No, that's true. We learn on the job. And so just be okay with that. And I commend you for having the self-awareness to try out new things. Right? Yeah.

It's been hard. That's okay. Just try to learn to appreciate that. Yeah. Instead of saying it's been hard, just be like, that's good for me. Yeah. No, definitely good for me. saying it's been hard just be like that good for me yeah no definitely good for me but it's been a journey i think eventually you will find you know the that right mix like i said you're you're 23 if you meet your person at 28 do you have a problem with that storyline no 30 you know especially if you get it right it's just that it's like obviously if i knew then i wouldn't care but it's like will it ever happen a trust trust that it will

yeah and know that it will and then that'll help you be more patient maybe when things start opening up more i'll because that's what i like about being single is everything being me being able to be completely free but now everything's closed so it's it's harder to focus on those things sometimes i mean it's amazing what we don't appreciate about being single until we're not single yeah just flirting flirting's fun you know hey wow i like your shirt you know wow that looks good on you you're handsome you know like that's fun to do and when you have a boyfriend like like it's you can still be nice to people, but you have to like, be like, oh, don't want to cross the line.

Don't, you know, you have to be respectful and it takes work and it's worth it when you're in love. But like, fuck, people don't ever appreciate that freedom when they're single. That's true. That's true. It's the little things. It is the little things. All right.

Well, best of luck you're doing great thank you keep doing what you're doing and just be a little bit more patient with yourself yeah thanks i appreciate you meeting with me all right take care you too all right bye how's it going good how are you good what's your name i'm'm Catherine. I'm 32. Hi, Catherine. How can I help? So I've been dating my current girlfriend for about five months. And I feel like things are going really great. But I have these like super intense like waves of anxiety that just come up like about once a month. I figured out through intense detective work that it is my PMS.

But I don't believe in the like bitches be crazy narrative so i still think that it's like something to investigate um yeah i mean i guess maybe i mean i fuck if i know obviously but like couldn't you still be anxious about something and and and if you are pmsing that might heighten the sensitivity around it but it doesn't necessarily mean what's causing it. Right. Like, again, I'm ignorant in this topic. But that's what I'm thinking. Yeah. OK. So, yeah. So I feel like things are going really well.

She's super nice. She's like super attentionate. She's a great listener. We're having great sex. Like, I feel like we communicate really well. But like, I think like one of the main problems is that she gives me a lot of compliments which is it feels like a silly problem to have necessarily yeah it's a lot to live up to yeah it is and she's somebody who's like very um like

open with her joy like she's like super grateful about like a lot of things around her and sometimes she'll get like teary-eyed she'll tell me like how like nice I am how lucky she feels and like I never feel like she's doing it to get something in return I never feel like it's fake but um as someone who doesn't communicate necessarily that way, sometimes it makes me doubt if our feelings are like on the same level. Um, and, uh, yeah.

So like, I don't want to change her. And I think that this is probably something that I need to work on, but, um, I find myself sort of like waiting for the like honeymoon phase to be over and for her to just like feel normal about just the normal everyday thing sure well i think there's just a couple things to be aware of right like it definitely sounds like a you problem right overall but you are still in

the early dating stages and as we talk about like there's nothing wrong with still evaluating your relationship there's nothing wrong with like checking in on the relationship and with yourself without being neurotic and hyper paranoid and self-destructive, so to speak. We talk about things like love bombing and things like that. And that's not what this sounds like, right? As long as it feels like it's coming from a genuine place, like we've talked about before like it's okay to question why someone's complimenting you does it make sense right is the compliment valid as great as it is to hear how awesome you are like you know is it you know like it's also objective oh you're so beautiful it's just like hey who am i to tell you i'm not gorgeous you know what i'm saying like maybe i don't agree with you because i have an insecurity about something but like beauty is in the eye of the beholder but like so it's just like hey who am i to tell you i'm not gorgeous you know what i'm saying like maybe i don't agree with you because i have an insecurity about something but like beauty is in

the eye of the beholder but like so it's just good to make sure and when are they complimenting you are they complimenting you when like they think they might be in trouble are they using their compliments as a manipulation tactic it doesn't seem like it so like those are the only like small things to check in and not necessarily be neurotic about it, but just be aware, right? But if your girlfriend is just generally very appreciative of the fact that she's met you and found you and she's just excited, just enjoy it. Also be aware of the fact that yes, over time, the compliments will die down. Maybe not. I don't know. Maybe she's just like, you know, my brother, he's a hugger. Ever since I've known him to be like six years old, he's just hugs people and it never gets old for him.

I don't get it. It's who he is. It's just, he's a, he's a huggable guy, whatever, you know? And so maybe this is your girlfriend, but also maybe it will slowly die down. And eventually as she gets to know you, there will be things that irritate her about you. You will become annoying to you as it does to everyone. And so just don't let that be like, you don't compliment me as much anymore. You know, as you guys get to know each other, there will be an ebb and flow. And as the honeymoon phase dies down, you will get into a more kind of normal, like good days and and bad days and hopefully there's a lot more good than bad right and and and she will have a right to express a frustration she has right but you should overall it's an overall feeling of love right but it is it's interesting like the honeymoon

phase as you get out of the honeymoon phase it is is a tricky time, right? Because it's very easy to want to give compliments and receive compliments. But that first time you realize you annoy your partner, it's kind of scary. You're like, cause you, it's easy to get a little cocky and overconfident in a relationship when you, when you're like, my girlfriend's obsessed with me. You know, you're like, I'm awesome. You know what I'm saying? They're complimenting me all the time. I could do no wrong. And then all of a sudden they're like, could you stop that know you're like I'm awesome you know what I'm saying they compliment me all the time I could do no wrong and then all of a sudden they're like could you stop that you're like what and then you're like oh is it is the dream over have they figured me out like is it like oh my god they're gonna yeah but I think like see like I ended I was in a like an eight year relationship that ended in last February.

And like, I miss that, like comfort, like the very comfortable intimacy of like being with someone for such a long time. I think like part of the anxiety is sort of like building that and understanding like how to build that and how to like still like weigh the relationship and like analyze it as I go but not overthink it totally listen being in love means a lot of different things to a lot of different people to me it means feeling safe right and you can't feel totally safe unless the person you're feel love for you feel like truly knows who you are, knows some of your secrets and your insecurities, and you still feel that same love. And it's normal, even though you probably feel

like you guys know everything about each other. Deep down, you know, that's not true, right? You know that there are things she's just going to have to learn about you over time, even if you've told her, right? And your subconscious is self-aware about that. And that's, I'm guessing where your anxiety is coming from, right? And so your neuroses is, is obsessing over that, right? And it sounds like it's being heightened when, you know, you are feeling more emotional and that's just something to be self-aware of. But like you, you know, when it, like for me, something i work on with therapy is controlling my neuroses controlling my thoughts controlling the things i worry about recognizing that okay i'm worried about this it's a valid feeling but i can decide to stop

worrying about it i can change the thing i'm thinking about it and if i don't actively try to change then i'll just keep ruminating right right? But I'm not changing anything. I'm not, especially in that moment. So I just need to like recognize this is bothering me, either address it or not, but like change what I'm thinking about. And that's something people can do. You can control and police your thoughts. And that's something I've really invested for myself.

And so that's just something for you to say, all right, this is why. And I'll have to let it play out. Listen, this relationship you're in may not work out. Right? You know that. And that's the thing you're worried about because it sounds like it's great. Yeah.

And that's scary, you know? But like, fuck it. Like, I don't know. You can't predict the future. And people do that in relationships when you're younger. Like, our insecurities do push people away why are you with me oh my god i can't believe i have you like that's good to hear at first but like if you constantly play that narrative out to your partner they'll stop like being like i don't know where the fuck am i with you could i do better i don't

know so you want to be careful not to like like you want to be able to express your insecurities to your partner. But you, if you're obsessing over your insecurities and they're the one who constantly hears the things that bother you, that can wear on your partner. So just be careful, you know, and control your thoughts and emotions and just be aware of them.

And then say, Hey, I need to. All right. I need to. It's good that I know this, but stop obsessing over it. You know, I can't change that in the moment.

Okay, that's amazing. So. Good. I think that was just, that was my question. I think you're good, but like, I relate a lot to like worrying about shit for the sake of worrying about it. Yeah, yeah.

Like I just like get in this, thought spiral, you know, and then it's hard. And I think also it's hard right now, like, with COVID. I'm in Montreal, so we've had, like, an 8 p.m. curfew every day. And, like, she can never come over here. I'm always over at her place, like, because she has a dog. I have two cats. We haven't introduced them yet.

But like, I think it's just been hard to feel more like settled and we haven't done a lot of stuff together. Like we've never been to the restaurant together. Sure. Yeah. So you recognize there's a lot to get to know. Have you expressed any insecurities to her about yourself? Oh, totally.

We've talked about all of this. Great. Yeah. Yeah. Just, just keep doing that. And this might not work out. That's okay. That doesn't stress me out at all. That's great.

And if that doesn't stress you out, then you have literally nothing to lose. But trust me, I'm a neurotic warrior. And so I feel you. Yeah yeah i thought you might say that yeah cool all right well best of luck all right thank you take care bye-bye you too bye how's it going hi i'm stephanie and i'm 25 hi stephanie how can i? So just like a little backstory during my senior year of college, I got genital herpes from my boyfriend. Just like a side note, you can get that from cold sores.

Just like keep that in your head. Just to clarify that cold sores are herpes. Correct. Yes. So like and lots of people have them on their mouths. You know, you see people all the time with that so like yes just yeah so that's just like how there's this weird kind of whole double standard about the whole thing yeah there's like a huge stigma which is unfortunate um which

is the reason why i wanted to like ask you this question anyway just to put it out there for the people who might have this issue um so I got it in college and I've only ever had that outbreak, which is super lucky because it's like a painful and uncomfortable thing. And since then, I've taken like daily medication to minimize outbreaks. So I don't get it. And that I also like don't give it to other people because essentially it can be shed asymptomatically. So even if I don't have an an outbreak i can give it to someone if i have sex with them is that is true with type one is this type two so i'm not a doctor um and my understanding is since i have type one it's like more true and type two is a little more contagious but also i'm not a doctor so that's maybe just like what I tell myself to like make myself feel better. I mean, as a hypochondriac, I've done in my early 20s,

did a ton of like reading up on the stuff and had conversations with doctors. And my understanding, also not a doctor, is that you have type one and you have type two, right? Type 2 is more commonly genital herpes and type 1 is more commonly cold sores, but both you can have on each. But if you get one where it's not as common, then it becomes less contagious and less prone to outbreak. Does that make sense? Am I right? Yeah, that's what... Is that what you heard as well? No, yeah. That's my understanding as well. and that's how I like pitch it to people as like not a selling point but like you

know. It's a good thing you know. And so I guess my like main question is that like in the past I've been lucky with relationships that like I knew them beforehand and so we already had this like trust and I could

easily have this conversation with them and like it didn't always go like well like it didn't always end up like dating them because it was an issue but now i've like moved to a new city i'm fully vaccinated i'm on the apps i'm like talking to people going on dates it's very fun and i'm like kind of struggling with how to bring this up like i've done it in two ways so far. Once was like after like we've hung out a bunch, like almost two months. We were going to have sex. I told him like I wanted to wait and like go slow.

And then I sat down and talked to him about it. And he like freaked out and was like, I can't believe you hid this from me. Like I can't believe you lied to me. And I was like, this seems like a big reaction. Like you're probably not my person but also like noted and that's obviously done and then I've also brought it up like sooner but then it kind of is this awkward like very personal thing that I have to share and the person like doesn't know me that well and then has to make like a choice on if

they want to continue to get to know me like with this thing um so it's just i'm curious on your take on your opinion on your feelings thoughts on like how you how to bring it up yeah sounds like you have a good handle on it um so most of the time i'm guessing you're just dealing you know as you are dating you're going to be dealing with some people who are more mature, more educated, probably even had a scare of themselves, right? Or, you know, and the people who freak out on you, like, less mature, less educated, less experienced. And you're just going to have to, you know, the only advice I have for you is if you're, take your time, right? Because people, like we've talked about this recently,

whether it's your virginity and you're a virgin or you've tested positive for type 1 antibodies, it's important to tell people the right thing. It's important to be honest and let them know. But since you don't know, in a dating situation, should you tell these people right away? It's none of their business. We shouldn't be going on first dates and telling people our deepest,

darkest secrets because you don't know if it's going to work out. You might find on the third date that they're a jerk or whatever, or there's no chemistry. You're just not that into them. So just take your time because like every person you tell is now knowing your, you know, your private health and, you know, your medical. And not everyone has the right to know that if you're not going to be intimate with them, right? Yeah. So just take your time. I think something I like am working on is like,

I've been trying to be a much more like direct communicator and be like very upfront about like what I expect and like who I am like from the jump. And so I think I sometimes maybe also feel that like i'm hiding something because it's just like a part of me but also at the same time it's not it's a big deal but it's also like not the biggest of deals what's crazy to think about is that again you know you call it genital herpes because you had a reaction, you know it. But it's far more common for people to contract type 1 in their genitals, not have a reaction because it's not, it doesn't,

the soil isn't as good down there, so to speak, in a layman's terms. It doesn't do well down there. So they don't have a reaction. They have no idea. Then one day, five years later, they're just like, hey, let's just do a whole panel. Let's do all the tests. And they take their blood and the doctor comes back and says, hey, by the way, you have the antibodies for type one. Person freaks out. They're like, I've never had a cold sore. They're like, hey, you probably got it as a child. I don't know. Meanwhile, they have no idea.

And there's no way for a doctor to know unless you have an actual outbreak. And many people who contract type 1 or type 2 in their mouth, because they may never have an outbreak, but they have the antibodies. And their people are walking around having no idea. And people with cold sores don't go. That's what's interesting. Like it does a huge debate. If you have a cold sore, should you be telling people that you get cold sores before you kiss them?

I mean, I, I feel like if you had asked me this, like what, seven years ago before I had this, like I would have been like, who cares? But now I'm like,

maybe, um, maybe you should. Yeah. because it's literally the same thing it's the same thing i was reading this crazy article where essentially like this is also like not a doctor read it on the internet but like they don't test for herpes as much like outright because so many people have it it would just like cause like mass panic panic so yeah i read something once like 80 like there's it's a high number i'm making up a number but uh over the age of 60 like like everyone over the age of like 65 or something like a crazy number of those people have the antibodies for either type one or type two mostly type one and that's what's like hard is because i want to like i don't want to stress people out by saying

i have like genital herpes but that's like technically what i have that's the truth and i have to say that but at the same time i'm like i haven't had an outbreak in five years and i take this medication so that i don't and i won't give it to you so it's like i have to tell you this and it's very scary i know but also it's not you take medication for it even though it's type one yeah because i'm just like trying to do my best to not give it i like my worst fear is like what would happen what happened to me like happens to someone else like on accident like i would never like want to put someone else in this position so i'm trying to do like everything you're doing you're doing the right thing yeah to not give it to anybody but i'm just ironically most people who have the

antibodies for type one who have no idea how or where they got it aren't taking medication they're out there just flinging it around just doing their thing and no one's the the wiser um yeah it's it's a it's a it's a fat it's fascinating interesting because there's so many nuances to this and so many people just don't know and they don't have the answers and there's no way to get the answers unless in your situation you can basically trace your steps. And you can, because you had a reaction. I know. You know. And so you're speaking your truth because you are aware of the truth.

So many people, it's not because anyone's doing anything wrong. They just don't know. And that's pretty nuts. But yeah, Amanda wants to chime in. Hi, I'm Amanda. And my mom is an OBGYN. So I grew up in a household where talking about sex and stuff was, and you know, STIs, STDs was much more clinical.

And I think one piece of advice that I would maybe share for you, especially if you're encountering a situation where people feel tricked, first of all, like that's bullshit. You didn't trick them. That's their own stress reaction. But perhaps because you do you are entitled to wait until you feel comfortable to have this conversation and to make sure you get to explain it and talk them through it clearly so maybe you can sort of allude in the earlier stages of dating just saying that like I like to take things slow because like it's a larger like

sex is a larger conversation for me or maybe there's a way to sort of like sprinkle in that just like there's something that like is more significant that you want to talk about just so that way they are primed so they have no idea like what it is in particular you're protecting your own privacy but then they don't feel potentially blindsided or they don't take their surprise or fear or stress out on you when you bring it up because you very much don't deserve that and you're behaving so responsibly about this and so yeah yeah it's you know the priming can go both ways because i've had it go negatively where they like then freak out and they're like what are you gonna tell me like do you like they like like this happened to me like three days ago where i like kind of primed it and then

like he was being weird and i was like what why are you being weird and he was like i'm just really overthinking what your deal with sex is. And so then I was like, here, I'll tell you and we can talk about it. So how do you handle it? He's still thinking about it. I don't know. Well, it's interesting.

I think we're hanging out this weekend. Because when you, like, you know, when someone in general, forget about STDs and someone says, hey, I need to tell you something. Like if someone comes to me and says, hey, there's something I need to tell you something. Like if someone comes to me and says, hey, there's something I need to tell you, immediate anxiety. I have no idea if it's about me or if it's good or bad,

but I'm just like, I'm a neurotic worrier about like anything. And so I'm just like, what? You need to tell me amazing. And sometimes you need to tell me right away. And then they'll be like, oh, I'm gonna like, what? You need to tell me amazing. And sometimes you need to tell me, you need to tell me right away. And then they'll be like, oh, I'm going to be like five minutes late. I'm like, what the fuck? Like, why did you like, it's not a big deal.

So to that end, it could work to your advantage to Amanda's point, because you're like setting up some something. They're like, oh, like, yeah, I mean, I don't know. My friend, like, you know, they might have some knowledge behind it or, you know, some experience with a friend or even themselves or whatever. I think most, I think more people are aware of it because either they experienced a scare or had something and they've done their research or they're, you know, they're hyperchondriacs and, you know, or they had a friend who done it and they've done some homework and they're like, actually, like, I definitely don't want it, obviously. But at the same time, like, I understand the nuances of this.

And so, yeah, it could go positively. I don't know. Yeah. And it's probably a matter of finding like a very specific phrasing that works where it doesn't trigger anxiety or make it seem like a big deal but maybe like very subtly alludes to something even if it's just saying like i like to take it slow because you know sex is like significant for me and i can see i like to take it slow and that's period we're done exactly i get to say that like I'm awesome. If you want to hang out with me. Well, you should be able to date someone long enough, right?

Let's say if you're going on dates with a guy, right? And you're focused on really getting to know him, right? You're asking him questions and you're paying attention to his questions and you're paying attention to the answers and vice versa. You should be able to get to know this guy to the point where is he the type of guy who is going to talk with me about this? Even if he gets anxiety, even if he has like a reaction, is he going to make me feel judged? Has this guy lived a life? Now, whether it's STDs or something else, you know, because the more life you live, the more often shit happens to you and you learn how to react

less volatile you know because you realize that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger type of thing right and so whether it's an std scare or something else you know the more experienced people have lived the less they'll get defensive about this like if you know so yeah if you meet a guy who's like yeah you're my first girlfriend you know like chances are he might have a lot of questions you know um and i love i'm very comfortable talking about it i've read a lot about it i'm like confident with like what's going on but i will say like in my past like not to you know stereotype but like most of the men i've dated that went well and understood this were a couple years older than me. What's the ratio, would you say, between guys who handled it well and guys who don't? I'm curious.

I feel like it's kind of 50-50, but most of the time the guys that don't eventually come around, they just kind of freak out and that's fine I think like for me it's just like it's while I'm really comfortable talking about it it's also like emotionally taxing to like share this information with people because it's just like a lot so I've been I try not to like involve yeah we appreciate you sharing it I think you're doing a lot of educating Amanda is there anything that you know or we've discussed knowing that your mom is this that we've gotten wrong or or anything you need or want to add about this sorry karen i don't i don't have any specific medical information but but we've we've at least to your knowledge i think i think for me because my mom was um much she was like in surgery and

um the obstetric side of things um but i think the the biggest takeaway for me because my mom was much she was like in surgery and on the obstetric side of things um but I think the the biggest takeaway for me is just like that people are entitled to medical privacy and medical dignity and that that is something where we are sometimes because of the stigma associated with certain illnesses or infections are so quick to lose that in a way that's very dehumanizing and shitty and it sounds like you are doing an amazing job of advocating for yourself and ensuring that you deserve you get the respectful treatment you deserve yeah i will say the guy that i'm like you know he's like i don't know he's like busy i don't know we're all busy um he was very like when we had the conversation he was very much like thank you for sharing this like i know this was a big

deal and like i of course will not share it with anyone and like i don't know so it was a good conversation totally and any guy whether it's stds or or virginity or anything who says to you why did you hide this from me or why like it wasn't your fucking business you know like well i'm sorry you went on four dates with me and I didn't share all my secrets with you so that you could decide whether my, you know what I'm saying? Like, fuck you. Like he definitely hasn't told you all his secrets guy on fourth date, you know? And I, you know, maybe he doesn't have a type one herpes. And again, he probably has no idea cause he's probably never had his blood drawn. drawn um but there's something that he's ashamed of or embarrassed about and it's you know probably fine

and okay but he's afraid to tell people and he doesn't tell people on on the fourth or fifth or sixth date you know like it's a fucking date it's you're going out on a wednesday afternoon i'm sorry if you didn't go out with me what the fuck would you be doing and people And people are just like, why don't you tell me? I should have known. Like, oh, why? Because you've been on 10 days with me. Fuck you. But so just don't let anyone don't let any guy or girl make you feel judged for withholding and keeping, as Amanda said, like your privacy and medical history. And even if it's not medical history whatever it is like that's not everyone is entitled to your all your secrets just because you're going on a date with them you know i'm working on that i like to share i like to chat but also it's none of your business so thanks yeah you know uh well great i really appreciate you sharing this. I think educating people on sex and STDs is something that we never can get enough of and it's scary to talk about and there are a lot of stigmas. I can only imagine what it was like for you when you found out and probably all the things you might have thought and fears.

And for anyone listening who's experienced what your experience, it sounds like overall, you have a healthy and happy dating life. Right? Yeah, lots of fun. Yeah. And I think that's important to note, because I think there's a lot of people who might not feel that way. And have a lot of fear and around that that so thank you for for sharing your story well thank you for chatting with me about it and reaffirming my decisions all right well take care best of luck thanks all right take care well what a fun episode uh we always appreciate the vulnerability and honesty of our our callers i felt like we uh had a nice varietal in this episode uh we always appreciate the vulnerability and honesty of our our callers i felt like we uh had a nice varietal in this episode uh even from uh amanda don't do that shit anymore i'm just

kidding um oh it's so nick vile of you we we agree though yes now i know it takes a while for you to admit defeat i would agree a hundred percent i don't know have i have do i understand your perspective and think there is value in pursuing that thought of course gotcha okay well i'm a hundred percent right she said it says it on his freaking shirt i also have a sweatshirt that says, sorry, I'm right today. Except you're not. Thanks so much for everyone, including Amanda, for sharing their stories. Certainly important to get your stories. So please don't forget to send in your questions at asknicacastmedia.com.

Cast with a K. questions at asknickacastmedia.com. We have a fantastic episode for you on Wednesday with the wonderful Kelly Osborne and Jeff Beecher. And I can't wait for you guys to listen to that. It's wild. Let me tell you. And we'll see you then. you