The Viall Files - E264 Ask Nick - I Store My Heart In My Vagina

Episode Date: May 3, 2021

On today's Ask Nick we start with a woman who is dealing with someone she dated that just won’t take no for an answer, and is trying to figure out whether he's being obsessive or if she possibly needs a restraining order. Secondly, a 3-year "situationship" filled with gaslighting and mixed signals has gotten her to the point of needing to express clearly what she wants- or her future will be filled with questions. Our next caller is stuck in a RomCom with passive aggressive behavior on both sides and the confusion is making this real life movie longer than it needs to be. Lastly, we chat with a guy who was blindsided by his girlfriend breaking up with him but realizes they never really spent time defining the relationship.  “There are plenty of places for you to go just don’t go backwards.” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  For merch please visit www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Finding You: http://www.findingyouthemovie.com visit the website to fin a theater near you. Finding You in theaters everywhere May 15th. Theragun: http://www.theragun.com/VIALL to get a free super soft attachment with any purchase until May 9th.  Each & Every: http://www.eachandevery.com/VIALL use code VIALL30 for 30% off.  Article: http://www.article.com/VIALL for $50 dollars off your first purchase of $100 or more.  Rothys: http://www.rothys.com/VIALL to check out all the amazing bags, shoes, & masks.  Episode Socials: Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what's going on everybody happy monday to you all um wow what a what a great weekend we're recording this ahead of time i I'm super excited about the NFL draft. I hope, as you guys are listening to this, I was happy with the Packers' selection of their future. You, like, get into it, huh? You, like, love... Christmas morning for me. It is?

Yeah. Yeah, and this is really great stuff. We have a truly fantastic episode for you today. We really get, we dive into some very interesting callers, some serious callers. We, you know, you're creating some questions about like restraining orders. When's an appropriate time

to start taking that action seriously? Anyhow, can't thank our callers enough for writing in and sharing their stories. I think there's a lot we're learning and that's very relatable to the people listening so thank you and please continue to sending your questions uh at ask nick at cast media.com cast with a k again uh if you want to be anonymous we will uh make sure that you are and we just want to hear your stories and and hopefully help us help you and we all helping. We're all helping each other.

Help us help you help others. Such a win. Such an empowering thing. We have a fantastic episode for you on Wednesday. Delightful and wonderful Krista Allen is with us. You probably know Krista from the very popular and legendary movie 13 Going in 30. She played a 13-year-old.

Now she is close to 30. And she's lived some life and has some great perspective. And we have a fun conversation about relationship and dating. And she's kicking ass on social media and sharing her thoughts. And it was just a fun conversation with Krista. And you will not want to miss that. By the way, don't forget to send in some five-star reviews. Because that would be so amazing and so appreciative of you guys if you guys would just take the time to go on iTunes

and just hit five stars. Don't even really need to know why. You can tell us why, but we don't. We just want the stars. It's like a big fridge. All right. Question time with Nick. all right let's ask nick your sexy questions how's it going hi i'm rihanna um you can call me rye but i'm 29 years old all right how can i help rye um so i dated a man last year for like kind of a short time it was like three to four months

and he um i ended up breaking up with him because it just didn't work out and i was actually like wicked sad about it so i've been taking time to like kind of like move on move past from him and fast forward to last week so it's been like five months since we broke up and he contacted me out of like nowhere and he was like hey i was like hi and he's like can we get drinks like i want to talk to you i want to like um i need to talk to you about things and i was like sure he broke up with you or you broke with him you i broke up with him so i was having like um i got out of an abusive relationship like a year ago okay which is awesome um and so he was like my first like boyfriend thing after,

and I was having like severe anxiety about dating and he was like not supportive at all. And I was like, I can't like, you either need to help or you just like, you need to go away. So I decided to like help myself and leave. So I broke up with him and he contacted me so we were supposed to go get lunch actually and he texted me he's like do you actually want to go to like a cookout and I was like sure whatever and curiosity why did you agree to meet up knowing that your first reaction was I know um because I think if I'm going to be honest I think I like really missed him

and I think a small part of me was like hoping now that I'm like healed and put together that like we could like figure stuff out I don't know I know that's like super I'm just curious I wasn't sure what the uh meant if it was like ew or like I think it was it was I think I just felt like I was finally like put together and then all of a sudden this person's coming back and I was like, like, am I ready for that kind of thing? So I went to like,

I don't know, but sometimes those initial reactions are the most honest ones. And, and then we have a way of trying to convince ourselves that our initial reaction wasn't the honest one. So I'm just kind of curious where that, so there was clearly a reluctance there for whatever reason like a yeah i had like a flight or uh fight or flight response for sure i was like um so i went to like his friend's house and it

was all married couples and then like him and i and i was like this is like a date this was like the first time you guys were hanging out first time i'd seen him in five months he brought you a family old barbecue yeah and i was like oh my and like they're asking me all these questions like how do you know him and i was like this is weird like they knew my name they knew what i did for a job so obviously he'd been like talking about me and i was like this is weird um he got wicked drunk i don't drink so i ended up driving him home and we like talked for a while so he brought you to a barbecue after five like at this point do you know why he reached out no so that's why like all right so i just want to

like sort of set the the table here so he you ended it he reached out with you to you five or six months later you had a kind of flight or fight response or whatever. Like you went, he brought you to a barbecue where all his married friends were. You haven't talked about why he called you. And then he proceeds to get hammered. Yeah. And then you drive him home.

Yeah. All right. So, okay. So just to make sure I understand what's next, this is fun. So then we started like, he kind of like sobered up like on the ride

home and we started like talking about like our relationship and stuff while he was drunk he brought he okay yes not fair he kind of brought it up and he was like because he was like I want to talk to you about like why I contacted you and I was like, and he was like, I love confrontation. I love being like, let's get this done with, but for some reason I was stalling because I think I didn't want bad news.

What could the bad news be? I don't know. You ended it with him and then he was like, hold on. I want to make it even more weird. Let's go to this party where my married friends are. I want to drink a little bit, get too drunk to drive. And then I want to talk. And you're like, great.

Yeah. I don't know. For some reason, I was going to be like, I just was like imagining the worst. And he was like, I really like you. I care about you. But I don't think we're like romantically compatible. And I want to be friends. And I're like romantically compatible and I want to be friends and I was like no and I was like pretty proud I like his face I like stood across from him

and I was like absolutely not and he was like why and I was like we don't have kids together we don't have friend groups together I just don't see why I need to maintain a friendship with you well not maintain it was just like well that's a weird way to set that expectation by bringing me to a barbecue where it's just only couples yeah and i was like i was just like super i felt so proud of myself because i was like no fuck you dude and then um and then i slept with him and i spent the night yeah we're not friends and i'm gonna prove that to you by having some sex that is one way to make a point uh well so yeah that happened and then i woke up in the morning and he was like like holding me and i was like oh my god and so i like left and i was like this is why

we can't be friends because like i'll start to like you we'll start to like weirdly date and i don't want to be your like pseudo girlfriend until you like find a girlfriend. And he was just like, that's not fair. He was like, you're being so selfish. Wait, what? What are you being selfish about? Because he said that he's like, I can't imagine.

He's like, how could you not want me in your life for the rest of your life? And I was like, I don't really know you. Like, I didn't know you before. Why would, and I don't know, I haven't known you for you for five months why does it but he was like bashing into me about being like selfish hey pal friend of mine who we just had sex with like in what world when I do meet a guy and fall in love with him is it gonna be okay with this friendship yeah and I was like I tend to store my heart in my vagina so like I can't like separate feelings and I was just like I just can't like I if I continue to hang out with

you and proceed to do this it's just gonna go like like either we can like separate now and just be like good game like hey or we can like in six months when you get a girlfriend or I get a boyfriend we can have a blow-up fight like which way do you want it and he was like he's like i just think that you're too guarded and you're like okay you're giving up me for like some pain and i was like how long did you guys date for only like four months it wasn't like a wicked long time um so we were like where are we at like what i guess do you have a question or did you just tell us i do okay sorry sorry so i like originally when i wrote this is wild when i originally wrote into you i was like am i an asshole like is this like absurd for me to think and then so i had blocked him when i left because i was like i can't handle

like talking to him um i blocked him on everything facebook instagram i messenger everything um he contacted me through hinge which was I was like what the and he was like did you block me and I was like yeah I'm sorry I just have like screenshots that I have to read and I was like yeah homie like I just I don't want to be friends like and I can't handle it and he's like I think that's like an inappropriate use of blocking like I can't believe you would do that and I was like wait wait there's a is there an ethics board on blocking he said I should only block a number if I feel harassed or unsafe and i was like wait wait there's a is there an ethics board on blocking he said i should only block a number if i feel harassed or unsafe and i was like that's who i know right i was like

i block people all the time what the fuck is this guy and he's like yeah and he's like i think you need to give me a month just give me a month of friendship no sex and see how it goes and i was like you have a lot of friends please stop pursuing. I don't understand why you're trying so hard. And he said... I would die to talk to this guy on this podcast. I know. He says, I want to be friends because I like you. I think you are a really cool person.

Definitely very unique personality and interesting to spend time with. I think I can safely say I've never met anybody quite like you. I feel like he's fluffing me, right? I was just like... What does that mean? like a fluffer like no no i get the like the porn ass but what does that have to do with you i just feel like he's like trying to like make me feel like good from him like he's trying to like

i'm truly thrown off by this guy i don't know what his intentions are if i had to venture a guess it's just like this weird way of getting you to be his girlfriend and a wild kind of unnecessary long play approach i but that's the only thing that makes sense yeah so that's like kind of what my question was for you like what like what are your ideas of this because he like already he's like just give me five hangouts just five and my my like he my answer is it doesn't matter what he wants i think you need to trust your gut and your gut is right is that it it's he sounds like kind of potentially bad dude like a dangerous guy and maybe it's just how old is this dude how old is this guy he's 30 he's 35 oh my god no so you gotta run like yeah this is not like the this is not the like the actions of like this kind of adolescent 21 year old guy who's just like just figuring out some shit out this is like an adult

man who weirdly is shaming you and guilting you and then like telling you what you're doing wrong you and then like telling you what you're doing wrong meanwhile like he just popped back in your life meanwhile like when you already asked him to leave you broke up with him so like yeah it's fine if someone wants to wants to reach it out reach out to you after they broke up with you but like make no mistake you asked you you already set the boundaries of like hey i'm like no thanks i'm not interested and then he decided five months later to like pop back in for whatever reason and go about it in this weird, bizarre, fucked up way. That's wildly confusing, even for me. And then when you try to set appropriate boundaries, he ridiculed you, shamed you, made you feel bad, judged you all while saying, like, I think you're great and I want to be friends. But also like you're doing it wrong.

I'm like, what? Like doing what wrong? I don't. So like, this is like a, this is a weird kind of bad, dangerous guy. I would die to talk to him just because I want to ask him like, what the fuck? Like in what world do you think

this is like normal and appropriate? But that's not really your problem. Like I'm curious, but as far as you're concerned, trust your gut. You know, you should block whoever you want anytime. Block me, block your cousins, block your friends. You block whoever the fuck you want. It's all about your intentions.

The only reason you shouldn't block someone is to elicit a reaction. Don't block someone because if you want to keep talking to them, that's just like fucked up and game playing. Short of that, block whoever you want. If you don't want to talk to someone, if you don't want talking to them that's just like fucked up in game playing short of that block whoever you want if you don't want to talk to someone if you don't want them to reach out it's entirely up to you don't let anyone tell you who you should or shouldn't block yeah only yourself as long as like as long as you like just don't use it as a tool to play a game. If you love your mother, you only have one option, and that is to give her the gift of Theragun. Because mom's been dealing with your headache for your entire life, and nothing says

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V-I-A-L-L 30. 30% off. It's promo code V-I-A-L-L 30 at each and every.com slash v-i-a-l-l yeah i definitely like when i blocked him i was like i've never i even left like uh my bathing suit at his house and i was like well that's dead to me now like i can never see that again but i yeah i ended up like on monday he like called me and he was just like uh what did he say he said something so i was just like what the fuck he say? He said something. So I was just like, what the fuck? He's borderlining on harassment. That's what I said.

I was like, dude, you're saying you're not harassing me, but you are. He was like, I just don't imagine living a life without you. And I was like, you're talking to me like you're my boyfriend. And he's like, no, I don't want to be together. You're too anxious. You're too this. You're too that. This is truly the worst.

I mean, if there's guys like out in the world, that is scary. And sadly, there are. But that's terrifying yeah terrifying people like yeah and i'm sure there's plenty of women like this but this is some dangerous behavior yeah and i feel like i'm like i'm trying to like i've always had like an anxious attachment to people and i'm trying to become more secure and i feel like my secure and my anxious are like playing tug of war wicked bad right now. Yeah. My guess is, is he can't handle the rejection. I don't know how much he's been rejected by someone.

And this is his weird, he's convinced himself that this, what he's doing is normal. But at the end of the day, this is all about winning. This is all about getting you to concede. It's all about like having you back in his life because you're the one who asked him to leave.

Like that's, when it all comes down to it,'s what it's about but that doesn't matter like you're so close to like being really good at trusting your gut and like you've like you know what i'm saying so like you feel good about that feel good that you're really you know you've done some work you were in this toxic relationship in the past right and you got out of it and then you know you kind of attracted another toxic person potentially but like yeah you really did such a good job of of like being like nah this fuck this feels wrong this is fucked up right and like you know whatever you gave him a little bit you it it you know some of his game playing worked but like good for you for like really seeing this through but like yeah you you've done you know like yeah you fucked him like whatever

um you know but like you know what i'm saying like yeah you have yeah you just just keep doing and these things like that you've said like when this episode drops go back and listen to it as if it was like some other woman and like but you know when these guys say these things to you or people like shame you or tell you what you're doing wrong or how you should be doing things and like critiquing like you don't even like even a relationship to like explain to your partner how they should be even that's kind of like you're not really gonna get anywhere and especially someone you're not dating he's like critiquing your relationships friends or otherwise or how you should be friends, even when you didn't even ask to be his friend. It's like so bizarre and fucked up.

I know. And I, I feel like he, he keeps calling me needy, which is like, I feel like he's just like elbowing his way in. Like he's trying, he like sees that I'm trying to be like tough and be like,

no. And he's like, how can I like put her down so that she like concedes? And I'm just like, and he like planned, he's like, so Friday, he's like, we could go to the movies,

we could do like a double movie day. He wants to go see like two movies. And I was like, I don't wanna do that. I don't wanna be with you. I think you're safely at a point if he keeps reaching out to you to say, hey, Bob, I'm telling you, I don't want this. Please stop reaching out to me.

I'm like, please. And if he says anything other than, okay, be well, your next words out of your mouth are like, you're harassing me. No, no, this is harassment. Like, please stop. I don't feel safe. Yeah, that's a good good and if he keeps going then i think you really need to strongly consider like do friends know about this

person um i actually know because i moved across the country you should let i'm like i think you should just let someone know that this is going on okay who knows maybe he's just like in a weird state of his life and he's not dangerous, but we don't know. We don't know if he's dangerous or not. Yeah. Because some of the things that you're saying are problematic and you're probably going to be fine. I'm not trying to,

but just tell a friend, you know, just tell a friend or someone that there's, you have this guy who's like weirdly aggressively trying to be in your life and you've been very clear to him that you don't want him in your life and the next step is you just letting being very clear and then if it crosses a line just you know i think you need to consider escalating it to protect yourself because like this is this is so fuck up this is so bizarre yeah i know i was like actually because he was like please please please just give me like five times. Five times.

No. And I was like, if I just do it five times and then I say no, will he like leave me alone? No. Probably not. Right. It doesn't matter. But no, you don't. Yeah. You don't.

Yeah. If you actually have to ask yourself that question. Yeah. Yeah. Go to the cops. True. You know, like I know it can be arduous and challenging if it's like a restraining order thing but like you shouldn't have to like hang out with someone to then be able to get them to

understand why you don't want them in your life that's fucked up that's dangerous that's that's really we're in stalker territory true i guess i'm a little i was just like caught off guard so i think i usually am pretty like protective of myself and i was just like oh especially coming from like an abusive relationship i'm usually like very like don't touch me don't come near me and i think i was just like so shocked by his like reach out and to begin with that i was like oh totally well your gut was right you had a like uh oh this doesn't you know that doesn't feel good that initial reaction right off the bat told you. Yeah.

So just, again, I get it's hard. It's hard to trust our guts. But this could be a positive moment for you of being like, man, I was right. I was right. And I pat myself on the back. And next time you feel that kind of triggered response, like don't indulge it. You don't have to prove to yourself that you were right you already know you're right you know what i'm saying like yeah so get better at at just you

know being like yeah following through i got this yeah so um yeah tell a friend um i i definitely will i'm gonna send some screenshots probably some friend that lives out here not one that lives back home yeah they can't do much friends here you know and do you have any like guy friends that you really trust no i moved here by myself like eight months ago and i started dating him when i first got here so he's like the only dude i like no i have some girlfriends from like the gym and stuff so yeah let's help talk to them yeah and um yeah i don't you know i i it's something i think we want to discuss in this podcast in terms of like you know when when when like cassie randolph filed a restraining order and i think there's a discussion there like what that process is like

you know because i know it can be challenging i know that can be complicated i know it can be scary and i don't even have the answers right in terms of like yeah is it that easy like word what does someone like in your position what does someone like in your position do to protect themselves and and does it feel like I have the right to do this or am I overreacting I'm sure you get a lot that's what I yeah yeah I feel like it's almost like because I've been like I haven't been here I've I had like a really bad ex that I that's why I moved across the country and um I I like felt embarrassed to tell people that it was like bad you know what I mean no I I like nothing I I understand I don't know what you mean I understand

and like you don't do you have to like get to the point where like you're worried that they're gonna murder you to like you know what I'm saying i don't think it has to go that far like clearly he is he is applying a sort of pressure on you yeah and there's a little bit of like well maybe if the fact that like again when you were like saying out loud if i just hang out with him five times maybe i can get him to stop right to me right there that is your answer of like this is a pressure he's applying you don't feel safe uh and i think that's something you should take very seriously okay i'm gonna do that if i can just like chime in here hi i'm amanda i'm on next team and i think one thing is that i think also let go the he might be like you're being crazy when you say if you vocalize i'm uncomfortable i feel unsafe he might like be like you might be like, you're being crazy. When you say, if you vocalize, I'm uncomfortable, I feel unsafe.

He might be like, you're overreacting, you're being psycho. Completely let go. Oh, he's going to shame you. Of his reaction to you. Completely let go of this. I know it's going to be frustrating because you know that you have been so rational and so emotionally mature with this whole situation. It's frustrating that there's this guy who's going to be going around framing this as a situation where you were just some crazy bitch and he was the hero in

this but like completely let go of whatever narrative he's going to construct because it's bullshit true yeah i think i'm like not that i know him but i'm just like what if i'm like kind of afraid i'm overreacting at a i know like i have like a soft spot for him. So am I going to be like, Oh no, it's okay. Until it's like, not okay. Yeah.

It's already not okay. Yeah. Cause I'm respecting his boundary of not wanting to be together and he's not respecting my boundary. Like at all. I'm not wanting to be friends. Yeah. And then he's like,

he's making you feel bad about it and he's gaslighting you. He's criticizing you. He's yeah. It's yeah it's it's pretty fucking dangerous yeah i know and i can i think that's why i'm having like such a response to it's because like i've been here before and i'm just like i don't know i like because i don't want to because he told me he's like you're being too guarded like i think you're just seeing like your ex and everybody and i was like but isn't that like a better way to live than to be like no everybody's safe like i don't know i mean again i think you need to stop talking to

him but true he if i was talking to him i mean like she has every right to think you're just like his ex for the things that you are doing yeah like gaslighting the shit out of me dude you're you're not respecting her boundaries you're shaming her you're gaslighting the shit out of me, dude. You're not respecting her boundaries. You're shaming her. You're gaslighting her. She simply, all she is asking is for you to respect her wishes and not see you. And you are thinking she doesn't have the right to you not be in her life because you decided she has to be. In what world is that not insane and dangerous and it's yeah it's really it's not good so again this is not your job to get him to see this and understand this you just have to ask him to stop let him know you feel unsafe make sure that other people are aware of you feeling this way before you tell them

true okay and i think i can do that no i'm sorry you had to go through this. It's not cool. It's okay. I know. I think I'm getting better. My boundaries are not wicked stable, but they're up there. Yeah. And I think it's always important to give yourself the credit you deserve for growing and learning. And don't beat yourself up too much about that at all for, you know, not doing it perfectly or, you know, hanging out with them. But it's just a reminder to trust your gut. Your instincts are right.

Yeah. You're just not giving your instincts enough credit. That's why I never have anxiety. But since he's been back in my life, I've been like so stressed. And I was like, isn't that like having like a, like a body response. Yes. One.

Yes. Yep. Cool. I think I can do that. Let other people know first. Yes, I definitely will. I'll let some people,

people who like don't know me very well. They're like, Hey, here's my location. This is what I'm doing. Currently. Thanks. Sorry. It's okay. It's it's life well it doesn't you

know sometimes sometimes but for some people yeah all right well thank you i really appreciate you sharing the story i i think uh you know it's it's stuff like this that uh people don't talk about enough and and sometimes we like to think that there, we try to convince ourselves this is normal or it's a guy having a bad day, but it's not okay. And, uh, his bad day doesn't have to be your problem or whatever shit he's dealing with is not your problem. And I think it's, uh, good that we're speaking up and drawing attention to stuff like this. And, um, hopefully there will be people listening that you have given them confidence to stand up for what's right for them. So thank you.

Yes. Yeah, thank you. All right. Great. All right, well, have a good one. Take care. You too. Bye.

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meets to create your new favorites. Head to rothys.com slash V-I-a-l-l style and sustainability meets to create your new favorites head to rothys.com slash v-i-a-l-l today how's it going going good so my name is allison and i'm 23 years old and i have been in a friends with benefit benefit situation for three years now. Okay. Yeah. So just a little back story. I was 20 at the time, and he was 31, and we were working at a restaurant, and he was actually my manager.

And I had only slept with one other person before him. I wanted to sleep with him, so I kind of initiated everything. And it took a little convincing because of the age. You convinced him. Yeah, so I was pushing for it. And it took a little bit because the age gap was pretty significant. So it took a little convincing, but eventually it happened. And then when we first slept together

it just kind of started to develop into something and um he would text me all the time and we started hanging out like outside of work and i would like i started staying the play staying at his place um like almost every night and then like i started meeting his friends are you still working together at this point no so i actually quit because i didn't want to work with him anymore because he yeah he yeah he was a little flirtatious with the other girls and i didn't want to see that oh that's why and so yeah so I actually I quit I thought I was more like you didn't want to have this like perception of power dynamic that he had could you know one could maybe rightfully claim you know him being your manager and then there's

the age difference of you know is there a weird power dynamic even if it's unintentional right and so right if you wanted to continue to pursue this situation or relationship because it's a type of relationship that would be smart for you to leave and i guess also it makes sense why since you're not in a romantic relationship i guess he still has the right to flirt and you were just kind of protecting yourself but either way it sounds like a healthy decision to leave i ended up leaving but we still continued our relationship and it i ended up it just it started to cross that line of like we're no longer just sleeping together like now that i am being introduced to friends and family and it just kind of seemed like it was going to turn into something um but he always said like he wasn't ready for a relationship like he wasn't ready for any kind of commitment because um he deals with like depression and

anxiety and that was the reason he gave me um and he just said that he has like commitment issues because because of his ex and I accepted that and I was like okay that's cool you know and he just said that he has like commitment issues because because of his ex and I accepted that and I was like okay that's cool you know and we just continued like we were just playing house essentially and um he never he never claimed me like when people would ask and even his family was like you know you're introducing us to this. But he would always introduce me as just a friend. And it was just kind of like it was insulting because it was like we're doing all this stuff and you say you care about me. But when you introduce me, I'm nothing. So we can agree at this point.

You're only in this friends with benefits situation reluctantly because he has said he can't commit. Like at this point in the story, you would totally want him to be your boyfriend and, and have you be his girlfriend. And when he introduces you to people, be like, this is my girlfriend and she's great. Like that's what you would want.

Correct. Yes. Great. Yes. And how long has that been going on for? Um, so almost three years now so yeah so you realize that you wanted to date him let's just call it two and a half years ago yeah okay so yeah well and like the thing is is like I tried to have those conversations with him.

And, you know, I would say if we're not going to be in a relationship, then I don't understand like why. Because he's never met my family. Like I never introduced my family to him or anything like that. And so I didn't know why he was like initiating everything and he was making things more serious. And but he still wouldn't like claim me or anything and he also like a big problem I had with him is like I could not get him to stop flirting with other girls at work and like he would always like I would scroll through Facebook sometimes and I would see comments on other girls pictures and I it like upset me because like it seemed like everybody else was getting like this attention and validation from him that I could never get because like he never he never really like said anything like

he didn't compliment me a whole lot okay so hardly ever why and and why do we want to be in a relationship with him I guess I've just tried so hard and I want him to open up to me. And I just, he keeps saying like, he cares about me and he wants to be with me. He just doesn't want. No, no, no. But why do you want to be with him? Like, what is he? I like him.

But why? I don't know. I guess because we just, whenever we are together and we have those good moments it's just he's he's somebody i'm comfortable with okay i don't know like it's it's a bit of a struggle for you to answer that question the best you can come up with is that you're comfortable with him i think that's something you should think about and while comfort is good like you can get comfort from a lot of people or anyone or any you know a lot of different ways we can comfort ourselves so that's nice but it definitely shouldn't be like

the first and only thing you should be able to say when someone's like oh so like why are you guys together why are you why is why are they so great all right because it sounds like you've kind of really haven't asked yourself this question and the truth is you know and kind of what you've been saying and and that you've worked so hard you've invested you think about the time and now you're just kind of like in it to win it you know like this idea of walking away from this situation out of fear of like six months later he's already like girlfriend up with someone else like would probably really hurt you and and and just crush your ego and and you don't want to even let like true or false the idea of you just walking away and then like a month later he has a girlfriend. Would that really hurt? Yeah.

Is there a part of you that isn't even unwilling to even consider that out of fear that that could happen? I mean, yeah, because I mean, that would just like that would mean that everything he's ever told me was a lie. I mean, I couldn't. Yes and no. But that really doesn't matter. Right. Because, again, all of your decisions are are based off of trying to validate what he has said. Right.

uh and none of your decisions seem to be based off of like what you actually want in a relationship and how he makes you feel about yourself you know other than comfortable right and you've you're you've been sucked into this you've almost made it a game i mean it's a little intense that and good for you for admitting it and acknowledging it but for two and a half years you have been in this situation where you willingly decided to put up with something that you didn't want you didn't want a friends with benefit you wanted a boyfriend but you were like no you don't want it so i guess i'll just take what i can what you're willing to give me yeah and that's so that you set that standard so like why would he why would he change that you know i don't okay so like the most recent problem we had is he actually i walked away because i was tired of it and i was tired of I was tired of just accepting

it and my listen like my track record I know my standards seem well right now because like I'm accepting like this friends with benefits situation for three years I don't like it's a standard I don't think it's a standard thing I don't think you have to be hard on yourself I think you just got you got caught up in a little bit of a trap. It's like a trap that your ego sets and you're stuck. It's not a standard thing. Do you know that he's lied to you or has he just kind of done things that you hoped he wouldn't do? It feels like lying because when I knew he was talking to this other girl, like I told him like,

hey, I feel like you've been distant lately. You've just been on your phone when I'm around. I don't really know what's going on. And then he finally said, oh, okay, well, I've been talking to this girl, but it's nothing like we're just friends. But like, again, like, you know, I have, you know, before I had a girlfriend,

I had a bunch of women friends or whatever. And, you know, and I wasn't hooking right. A bunch of women friends or whatever. And, you know, and I wasn't hooking up with them. Right. But if we are just friends or whether we're friends with benefits and we're not boyfriend and girlfriend, I didn't like tell them everything. And again,

you, you got yourself in this kind of gray situation where you had an expectation of him and you, it was unclear of whether he had the same expectation of himself for you and so i think okay so this is i think he did because like i there was that there was one point where i was like okay we're friends with benefits and he's very clearly exploring his options so i'm going to explore my options and so i actually went and started talking to this one guy and things started getting serious. And so I told, we'll call him Kyle, I told Kyle that I was talking

to somebody else and that I was interested in pursuing something with them. And then this is when he like pulled out the first time, like, oh no, I love you. I don't want to see you with anybody else, all this different stuff. And then after he told me that I was like okay so you know there's a chance that we could be together and so I cut that other guy off and went back to him and it just like from that point on I was like okay like you know he's gonna we're gonna progress or this is gonna be something and he still didn't want to offer that to me And he still didn't want to offer that to me. Like he still didn't want to offer a relationship. Okay. And then he,

but he finally has now we're at the point where he has and you've, you've said no. I mean, what my take on this is that it's gotten messy. Right. And, and you have played a role in that. I mean,

it sounds like he's definitely said some things where it's just like, is that borderline gaslighting or is he lying? It's unclear, right? But what is clear is that you guys haven't communicated and you've created expectations you've had for each other without setting those expectations between the two of you, right? And that's always going to create a messy situation, right? So you have to decide, do you trust him or not? And I can't answer that for you if you can. It seems unclear. I don't want to make a bunch of assumptions that aren't true. So you just have to trust your gut on whether you trust him or not. Has he specifically lied to you or has he? And granted, in a relationship, if someone was like, oh, he avoided the truth like

that, but you're not in a really a committed relationship so that kind of changes the dynamic if you're not in a committed relationship he doesn't necessarily owe you all the information about his life right but if he has specifically lied to you regardless if you are in a relationship or not that that's something and that's something you should not just ignore so it's it also you you're not even sure whether he's actually flat out lied to your face. But you're just going to have to trust your gut whether you trust him or not. Now, whether you decide whether you can trust him or not, you could be wrong. And if you decide to date him, I can't promise you he's not going to hurt your feelings or this is going to end up being the guy you marry. But at least you'll get some definitive answers right it sounds it's like it sounds real messy

like it could really there's a good chance it won't work out but if if however yeah i mean who like that's i mean quite honestly that's any relationship you know what i'm saying it's it takes some time to figure it out and you should be okay with that right that will that will kind of make you feel a little freer, just accepting that, like, hey, who knows? It's like going to the casino and assuming you're going to lose, right? Like you have no illusions that this is how you're going to make your money and this is not your plan to get rich, but you're just having a little bit of entertainment and you're going to spend $100 on entertaining yourself through gambling. And if you win, oh my God, what a night.

But it's a little bit of a gamble, right? But will it allow you to see this through knowing that if you do date him, what you should do is make communication your biggest priority. Try to recognize that you've both done things to hurt through each other through miscommunication and set clear expectations of what you guys want for each other if you feel like you're convincing him to date you just so he doesn't lose you that's not what you want right you want him to want to date you and want to be with you right so he has to you know so you just gotta tell him how you feel and see. But like right now you've invested

like these two and a half years. You might want to consider seeing it through unless there's something in you that says, I just can't trust him. In which case you just need to find the courage and the strength to like trust that that's your answer and walk away and feel good about the fact that like, hey, he definitely had feelings for me.

I was comfortable. There's a lot of goodness, but this isn't my guy. There's it's too too toxic. It's too messy. I don't trust him. And I want to be with someone I can trust above all things. I'd rather trust my partner than just feel comfortable with them. All right. I think you should ask yourself, like, why you want to be with him. And it should be more than comfort in the fact that you've invested three years, if you're going to consider dating him, decide what you want. And then if you do, you're going to have to then be vulnerable, put yourself out there and see if he's willing to do the things that you want him to do or what you would want any boyfriend to do going forward. It doesn't matter. He didn't take you on a date.

Like, again, this was all a messy thing. He thing he said she said you're both at fault you've both done some game playing is he willing to take you on a date if he's your if you're his girlfriend then great like it doesn't matter they didn't take you on a date then and if not then break up with him but you know what i'm saying like bringing that toxic shit in the past that you both played a role is like you have you will have to let that go if you want to pursue this relationship and if you can't that's okay but then this isn't it for you throwing things in his face that things he did or didn't do while you weren't his girlfriend is not how you're going to be able to have a successful relationship if you are his girlfriend okay all right so think about what you want and then be vulnerable and put it out there and see what he says and communicate and set expectation. And if you decide to be in a relationship, then you guys need to sit down and talk.

Then you talk about what are our expectations of each other. Let's let the past go. Let's set upfront expectations and let's hold each other accountable to live up to those expectations going forward in a relationship okay i'm nervous but okay that's okay and if it doesn't work out you're going to be fine you'll find someone else and just learn from the actions you did in the past you don't do it again that's's just dating. That's living. That's maturing and growing up. But you're going to be okay either way. I promise. I will be okay.

I mean, I know that. I'll be okay eventually. So stop playing games with yourself. Stop playing games with him. Take this power that you have and do the mature and grown up thing and just communicate and uh you'll feel a lot better about whatever happens knowing that you just stop playing games with yourself

yeah definitely okay okay all right best of luck thank you all right take care Thank you. All right. Take care. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name's Erin. I'm 30 years old and I live in Utah. Wonderful.

How can I help Erin? So I'm going to try to make this quick because this is a long history here. I met this guy in high school and it was an instant attraction on my end. I don't know about him. Nothing really happened in high school. I just kind of made it a point to be around. Fast forward a few years, he goes to college out here in Utah and I believe he came home for spring break and we were IMing and he basically talked me into sneaking out of the house with him. I did. We ended up making out that night. Nothing happened after that. We hung out sporadically for the next few years. Fast forward to my final semester in college, and I can't remember what kind of started everything, but we FaceTimed and he was like, oh, you should come visit me. We'll hang out like you can sleep in my bed with me.

We'll cuddle, blah, blah, blah, making it seem as though, you know, something was going to happen. So I'm like, yeah, haha, whatever, kind of blew it off. Um, cause broke college kid can't really afford, you know, $500 flight out to Utah. Um, but I got this really intense gut feeling like a week later that I needed to come out here. So kind of made it happen. He knew about it. He knew I bought my plane ticket. About two or three weeks before I was supposed to come out here, he's posting on his Instagram story, like screenshots of him FaceTiming another girl saying like,

isn't she beautiful? This and that, like heart eye emojis, whatever. He was just like, hey, hey world. I just want you to know about my FaceTime. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah this was also like seven years ago so fucking weird eight eight or wait no it's probably like nine years ago now so yeah which is even more weird because like nine years ago people are like you want to facetime me yeah i remember having a long distance relationship with a girl where i was like hey there's this thing called facTime. Let's use it.

She's like, no, that's weird. I'm like, okay. I don't know if it is. And now it's like that's all people use. But anyways, continue. Obviously, like I was kind of devastated because I knew what was happening. He basically told me what was going on when he picked me up from the airport that, you know, he was dating her or whatever. But he still picked you up.

Still picked you up. He still, yeah. And I stayed with him. And you cuddled? No, no. He slept on the couch. Gotcha. And then I find out later that he actually talked to his dad about the whole situation.

Like, hey, I have Aaron coming to visit me but i'm date like i met this other girl and she's really cool and i was referred to as like the girl that will always be there and i was like okay okay whatever so fast forward and you're still here yeah um sorry so during that trip like i basically hung out with his roommate when we were at the apartment because he would be facetiming with the other girl please tell me you're not sleeping with his roommate um i yeah i started dating his roommate yes um and then uh so we started dating like a few months later um then I moved out here that same year. We were all living together.

It was a real awkward situation. You know, five people in a two-bedroom apartment. Doesn't work. Stuff went down. We ended up moving out, but he got mad about it. Whatever. So we didn't talk for a while. A few years later we

were at the same event and we kind of you know reconciled everything the original guy yeah and you're no longer dating the roommate at this point i we were him and i were still together yes still together but then yeah but then we broke up a year and a half later okay um and i'm out here in utah no family, not a ton of friends. So I reached out to the original guy and I was like, hey, like, let's go grab a drink, whatever. I just needed a friend, you know, and he made it real weird. Like, I don't want to get in the middle of it and all this stuff. And I'm like, OK, whatever.

Like, you're annoying. I mean, I get it. But all right, go ahead. Yeah. I mean, yes. middle of it and all this stuff and i'm like okay whatever like you're annoying go away i mean i get it but all right go ahead yeah i mean yes but at the same time it's like i just need a friend no yeah but he didn't necessarily know that at the moment yeah so one of our mutual friends came out to visit me and she told him so he invited us all over to his house for his roommate's, another roommate, not the same, God, no, his roommate's graduation. And then we kind of, you know, talked it out, whatever. We start hanging out and like weekly, on a weekly basis, multiple times a week, we go camping, just him and I, and we sleep in his car, doesn't make a move. And I'm getting mixed signals from him. He's calling me friend, and then

he's scrolling through my Instagram in front of me saying that I'm a babe, and I'm so beautiful, and all this stuff. And I'm like, dude, what's going on? So it's been like, I think we were hanging out for like three or four months and I should have asked to define the relationship, but instead I think I was scared of what he was going to say. So I just asked him like that he should introduce me to his really cute friend. And he's like, Oh, I thought we were hanging out. And I'm like, dude, you could have made a move and you didn't like times to take in. Like,

I'm not just going to stay here forever. So obviously we were just friends after that. He gets into like an on again, off again, relationship. What do you want at this point? I like in for me. So he just has this hold over me and I don't understand why I continue to let it happen.

Yeah. I mean, but also like, you know, why don't you just make a movie? Like, why aren't you like you're just. Yeah, you give them all this power, I guess. I don't know. But then he was like, I thought we're hanging out. And you just like decided to like. It's like one of those like rom-coms where you're like you're watching it the whole time.

You're like, why are you guys both being so goddamn difficult? You know, just fucking get together. You know, like, oh, but it's a movie so we gotta drown it like just let it yeah let it ride so now he's and so okay where are we now so um i messaged him earlier this year just had a feeling like hey hope everything's going okay. Haven't heard from you, whatever. He's like, yeah, everything's good. Hope all's well with you. Let's watch a hockey game together, whatever. And I'm like, okay, sure. Never, nothing came of it. Radio silence. Randomly get a call one night. He works with adolescent addiction kids. And one got approved to go on a date. So he's like, Hey, do you want to come to this movie with me? Cause I have to chaperone. And yeah, he's like, I don't want to sit there by myself. And I'm like, sure, whatever, you know, radio silence

after that. Um, I see him a couple of weeks ago. Uh, he gives me this really big hug, and he's, like, explaining to one of our other friends, like, yeah, I've known her since, you know, I was 15. And, you know, she was in love with me and all this stuff. And I was like, yeah, how could you not love this face? And then he just, like, kisses me on the cheek. And I'm like, what? Yeah. What's going on? You're both, both you know i feel

like if i was talking to him he'd tell me the same story i've been like i don't know this fucking chick is this always like you know passive like you're clearly passive aggressive he probably is too like you're you know and yeah you're both like waiting around for the other person to like sweep you off your feet and some grand rom-com gesture if you want answers fucking go and ask for answers and okay and just be adult about it you're still kind of acting like you were when you first met him at 15 yeah right and it's got a little messy and you dated his roommate and he has a lot of justifiable reasons to be kind of confused by you yeah right yeah and everyone's like and then one time he kind of the in the only time in this long kind of drawn out story the

the one time it seems like he kind of kind of made a soft move by me like i thought we were hanging out you're like nah well i didn't shut him down well i did i did because i was like dude we slept in your car together you didn't make a move like you could have made a move and you're giving me all these mixed signals like what am i supposed to do with that oh you dated his roommate it was a little you know like you've both done things to each other that have been like what the fuck yeah i i'm certain that if i talk to this guy he would be just as confused about you and you guys have you know been hanging out for the better part of a decade you know or more and there have been moments where he's been into you and it didn't line up and you've been into him a lot you've been there for each other

a lot of a lot of your relationship is based off of being lonely and bored and being there for each other and maybe there's still that maybe that doesn't necessarily mean it's not something there because there is something to be said about this like fact that you guys won't just like get over each other right and i don't know if it's just more you're bored and he's just nice enough and vice versa or maybe you guys just really owe it to each other just be like you know what are you single yeah great let's fucking date yeah have you never hooked up have you never had sex with this guy? No, we've only made out. And that was when I was like 17. Oh, it's great. I mean, yeah, 17 making out with the kid I had a crush on forever.

Fucking go for it. Like, what do you have to lose? Well, and that's the thing is like, I don't know if it's just because dating out here is like more difficult than anything else in the world but sure there is there you're there is an element of boredom but like so what yeah like i don't have the answers of how much is boredom and how much is like there's this wonderful story there but just calm up and be very adult about it be very direct at the risk again of being disappointed and put yourself out there be very vulnerable and expect him to be confused yeah unsure i wouldn't i wouldn't be i wouldn't expect him to be like yeah

and i wouldn't i wouldn't don't expect the ending of this rom-com to go like a rom-com would he'll probably be like i don't, and give you the same confusion, but really double down in that moment to be like, call yourself out. This is how I see it. We've been fucking with each other off and on. We've been maybe bored. We've been doing all this, but there is something there.

And I personally want to see if it's worth our while. And maybe we'll hurt each other. I don't know but like and maybe i'm crazy but i want to i'm gonna i'm gonna throw it out there and be like i want to try with you i want to be your girlfriend i want you to be my i want to i want to see you naked i want to like let's get weird you know let's yeah yeah and no totally and see what he says you know what even if he rejects you and says no at least you can just let it fucking go right true yeah because i haven't actually like give him a couple weeks when you put yourself out there give him a couple weeks okay and just be like you know because who

knows like this it's in a perfect world he'll be like yeah let's do it uh but you guys are so passive aggressive and so you know like like he probably will be like, I don't know. Let me think about it, you know, and be like, all right, cool. Well, just, you know, I'm ready to go. Like, let's do it. And I want to give you some time to process it. I'm not going to wait around forever.

But if we do hang out, just know I'm going to try to see you naked. You know, just like, you know, you have nothing to lose. It's thrown out there. Like, gonna try to see you naked you know just like you know you have nothing to lose it's thrown out there like yeah no you're totally right you really have all these reasons to be comfortable with around this guy yeah so just you know see see what he says yeah i struggle with being vulnerable so i think it's probably a good place to start yeah even though i've fallen flat on my face every time i've put myself out there so you know yeah probably you're probably being too hard on yourself or maybe you're just kind of chasing the wrong things you know oh for sure yeah uh i don't i don't know if he's going to you know there's a lot of boredom playing

a role here so it's really hard to guess how sincere it all is yeah exactly but there's something there i i that's i keep that's what i think that's why i keep holding on because so that's why you need to like really put yourself out there. Okay. Because honestly, the next best thing to him being like, yeah, let's get naked and date, uh,

or him to flat out reject you. That's a, that's a positive thing. Yeah. Because like the worst thing in this scenario is you just like wasting energy on nothing, but thinking it might be something and that's what you've been doing for 15 years so a little a little slap in the face rejection wise metaphorically speaking um might do you some

good yeah it probably will i don't because we've never like fully talked about it he's never brought it up i've never brought it up you know until he basically told our friend yeah she was in love with me in high school blah blah blah and i'm like well yeah screw it why not yeah i'm not gonna fucking lie from now on like there you go just a little rejection it's okay yeah yeah might as well go for it though yeah yeah and if he ever comes around after initially being like no he better show the same enthusiasm you're about to show him like oh yeah you can't allow any kind of passive aggressive you know yeah you don't gotta take the boredom and convenience out of the relationship yeah no i totally agree that's yeah definitely take the boredom out of it i i'm curious to see how it goes i'm uh either way i think it's it'll it's the right thing to do okay let us know thank you all right

yeah i will for sure all right take care thanks all right bye-bye bye how's it going good how are you good what's your name? My name is Dustin and I am 32 years old. How can I help Dustin? I just got out of a relationship recently where I pretty much got blindsided and I don't know how to feel. I don't know how to like proceed and I kind of I'm confused in and uh kind of wanted to get some life for the relationship yeah the relationship life i think i'm fine okay okay i just want to set some boundaries um so one day it feel like so correct me if i'm wrong it feels like one day you thought

you were in this happy relationship and the next day she was like i don't feel that way about you we should break up yeah pretty much it was definite uh like an airplane crashing into the ground all right and did she give you a specific reason why yes and no i guess it was it was kind of all over the place i felt like i was gaslit a little bit with the answer um and answers that i received um i can give you some backstory if you want to kind of help understand a little bit better if you want sure i mean you know sometimes i'm curious what you mean by gaslit because like especially when we're blindsided by someone breaking up with us we want explanation we want to understand and sometimes they're just like i don't know i just don't want to date you anymore i met someone new or or whatever and then

sometimes it's hard to be totally honest but you think you want honesty and then they might say well well you okay fine i'll tell you you you did x y and z to me i didn't appreciate it and you feel like they're you're like wait and then you like you, you did X, Y, and Z to me. I didn't appreciate it. And you feel like they're, you're like, wait, and then you like, you want them to be honest with you and they tell you what they didn't like. And then you feel gaslight, but I don't know if it's actually being gaslight. Like, what do you like? So let's focus on what she said that made you feel like it was a little bit of gaslighting. Sure. So basically, I mean, after Easter hanging out with her, we're about six months into our relationship, Easter with her and her kids and then my kiddo. Everything was going great. The I love you's, the spending time with the family, all that was fine. Her birthday was the next day. And for my job, I travel every other week. my job, I travel every other week. So I stayed for her birthday because I felt like that would be unfortunate if I left for her birthday, probably not a good idea. And so the day of her birthday,

brought her some coffee, said, I love you. Everything was fine. She checked on me to make sure I made it okay. And then from Tuesday on, the messaging, everything started becoming cold, kind of a little less on the girlfriend, boyfriend side and a little more transactional. So the good mornings and the good nights became hey, hi, and kind of short one line messages. So I come back Friday and she's just kind of not all in the relationship at that point and so I gave her some space and time uh past that all the way up until Sunday when I picked up my uh my little girl and uh my little girl was upset because usually we were co-parenting together with my ex-wife. And she texted her and there was no response from her.

So I sent her a message letting her know that my daughter was upset and was texting her. Your girlfriend at the time. What was that? She was texting your girlfriend, not your ex-wife or your baby. Correct. My girlfriend. Yep. Absolutely. was texting your girlfriend not your not your ex-wife or your correct my my girlfriend yep absolutely um and she uh responded with just uh unfortunately not good message she pretty much

used some choice words and said don't ever make me feel like crap and uh i didn't receive her messages and so i followed that up with i'm, it wasn't intended to make you feel like crap. I just wanted to make you aware because she's upset. And I've already been dealing with a bad week. I now am dealing with my upset daughter. And so at that point, from that Sunday on, she ignored me all the way up till Thursday and sent me a message saying, hey, are you free on Saturday? We obviously need to talk. And so at that point, I've been ignored for four days. So she's trying to kind of tee up talking to me and I'm trying to tee up. What are you trying to do? So I kind of forced the conversation a little bit and just was blunt and asked like are you trying to end our relationship without us working on things and she had said uh yes and so after that I had

I'd responded like I don't think that that is kind of the right choice in my mind I think we should work on a few things and we should talk about it and see if we can make things work. And she had given me a long explanation saying, I am sincerely sorry. I'll give back all the stuff that we've done together. We were planning to buy a house and a couple other things. So we've been saving money. We've had the conversations about what life looks like in the future. She's told me she loves me. I told her I love her and I mean it on my end. I don't know what the difference is between I love you and I love you as a person. She came and brought back the truck and was just going to leave. And I kind of sat out front and had a conversation with her. And pretty much the rationale she gave me was she never wanted a relationship to begin with.

She said she loves me as a person but doesn't love me. She said that she felt like things were going too fast, too soon, too quick. And she felt like she had no communication within the relationship, which in my mind, and I mean, again, my mind and my thoughts, I wouldn't be doing the things that I'm doing if there weren't communication. And her and I talked quite a bit. So I was a little confused by all of that. How old is she? She's 33. Yeah. I mean, it's kind of, it sounds like a bummer breakup. I think, you know, just a couple of things to point out and be aware of is that it's nice to want to work on things, but she

doesn't owe you that. Yeah. You know, you can say say would you be willing to work on it but like this idea that you think you two should is entirely your opinion and she can totally disagree with you and that doesn't make her anything you know what i'm saying like yeah so i know it's sometimes hard to hear but it's in a perfect world but also keep in mind you haven't been in for six months and before that so it was a friendship that like developed into a relationship so i've known her for two and a half years and it kind of sure which is slid yeah and so that that's changed a little bit but nevertheless it's still only been a romantic relationship for six months yeah so it is new and there how much should you really work on something that's only six months old if if she feels like she's not feeling it you know the fact that you

were friends for so long you probably feel and maybe rightfully so a little used right because maybe there was a part of her was like oh this guy's nice and we are friends and i'll try to love him he's so good to me he's nurturing and caring and and maybe you know in the spirit of you know keep in mind like you wanted to date her right and so sometimes it happens right she's like well i don't know if i feel the same way but i i don't know maybe i could you could like yeah i do love him i mean he's great but you know she took a chance on the relationship with you and that's a risk always there was no guarantees when she decided to date you that it was going to be happily ever after you know so it's weird because in breakups we often like will feel used and hurt and let on

and she said some things that would rightfully make you feel that way. But that's the scary thing about relationships is that when you guys agreed to be boyfriend and girlfriend in that moment, that was always going to be a risk for both of you. Certainly weren't married and people get divorced, but like you can't predict someone. That's scary. Love is scary, right? So I would argue as much as it stung to hear the things that she said to you well i'm not necessarily trying to give her credit for

being mean or seemingly being mean sounds like she was honest at the risk of hurting your feelings and sometimes that honesty in the short term can really sting but it will help you move on faster and set you free because what you don't want is her to be like well i don't know he's like super nice to me and good to me but like i want to fuck another dude so like i'm gonna be like unsure and lead them on and play games with you and keep you around because you're super nice and and and supportive all while you're like this could last for six twelve months of you just like waiting around for her to quote unquote, figure it out, her confusing, like while you quote unquote work on things like you working on things could be a nightmare for you.

It could really drag it out, you know? And then she could be like, well, I'm working on things and, and, but I need some space and I need to figure me out first. You're like,

okay, well I'll just wait around for you to figure it out. And then tick, tick, tick, tick, you know, time goes on and 12 months go by and you're still just as confused now as you were uh you know in this you're just as few as then as

you are now right and so i i know it sucks and stings but i i think uh this is this sounds like a a tough breakup for you and uh instead like like this whole idea, well, she said she loved me. Yeah, I know. And it sucks, but feelings do change and they can change, right? And listen, any like words of I love you within the first six to 12 months, I'm not saying they're disingenuous, but they're a little bit more fragile and they're clearly based off of less. You know, when, when a husband and wife have been married for 50 years, say, I love you to each other, that hits a little differently than people have been dating for five months, you know? Cause when they say, I love you after 50 years of marriage and good and bad times and then some really real shit and some real great moments. And who knows, like that hits a little harder.

There's a little bit more behind those words, right? And after five months, you're just like, I don't know. I love what I know about you so far. And within that, it gets a little messy sometimes and a little confusing. And that's why there's heartbreaks and that's why there's this podcast. And that's why there's all these things

because you were vulnerable and your vulnerability was rewarded with pain but that doesn't mean you should stop being vulnerable and it was just some bad luck and and i mean when you really think back about this relationship from the time that you dated did you always feel like totally secure? Was it you? Did you feel like you had to, whose idea was it to start dating in the first place? That's, that's the crazy part. It kind of,

we never defined the relationship, right? It just, everything between her and I just naturally happened. So it, it never, it never really like, I didn't like ask,

like, will you be my girlfriend? It kind of just slid that way. Yeah. Well, maybe that's what you can take away, I didn't, like, ask, like, will you be my girlfriend? It kind of just slid that way. Yeah, well, maybe that's what you can take away is that don't let it just slide. Don't assume that, like, two adults in a committed romantic relationship should be mature enough to just be like, all right, time out. Like, I'm pretty sure we're dating, but, like, right? And setting clear expectations as opposed to be like, I guess we've had sex. We hang out every day. I love you. So I guess we're we've had sex we hang out every

day i love you so i guess we're dating maybe not i don't know like you know i'm saying like you didn't set these clear expectations and you avoided a conversation that should be easy to have and you just didn't have it anyways so maybe that's the takeaway because friends are not like you should be able to like define the relationship yeah no you're you're right about that in thinking about that probably would have been a little more you know uh actionable to define what the relationship was yeah because you didn't have that conversation you made some assumptions and whether those assumptions were true in the moment or not you still assume like well i guess we're dating i don't know i guess we're i guess it'd be fucked up for her

to cheat on me i'm not entirely sure because we never really talked about it but i'm just going to assume that it'd be fucked up and she for a period of time assumed the same thing you know you never really communicated and that's led to this what you feel is to be this confused moment of her out of nowhere ending it. And it's only still been six months and it's a fragile period in a relationship. So next time just, you know, don't be a cynic, but just be realistic that I love what I know about you right now.

And I love what we have in the moment. And I do love you, but not to be confused with a relationship that's been going on for years. Yeah, I think looking back on everything, some of the things that like, like the one takeaway that you gave me, and then a couple other things that I'm looking at are, I don't know the investment piece, I invested time and energy into this. And for some reason, my divorce, it took me four years to get over, because I was married for six.

And this one, this is my relationship after my divorce, essentially. And this one stings and hurts equally as bad for some reason for me. Yeah. And I'm sorry. And that sucks, but it doesn't, you know, it doesn't mean that you don't have the right to feel the way you do, know sure part of it is maybe the surprise maybe like the part of the pain could be like oh it's happened to me again part of the pain could be a little bit of self you know pity which i would understand and i can totally relate to i get it i can promise you it won't take you this long to get over it because that was like it's harder to get over your first heartbreak but now you got over that so you know you'll get over this right so there's a little bit

of confidence focus on that side of it is that you will survive it and uh you're still a young guy you know what i'm saying like so she has a right to want to leave and and next time stop assuming you know the boundaries that you guys set for each other and actually have conversations and let things go a little. And maybe you did go too fast. It sounds like things sped up pretty quickly and a little bit of, you know, both had kids. So there's some like, oh, fuck it. We have kids. Let's just play house. And that, you know, that happened. And it's easier to have moved. It's easier to house. And that, you know, it happened. And it's easier to have moved. It's easier to move things quickly when, you know, your lifestyle is set up that way, you

know, but maybe next time set up some boundaries. I really like you. I'm falling for you, but let's go out of our way to create some space and distance and actively choose to make it go slow. Because you're right. If you don't put up any of those boundaries and you like someone, you'll be like, ah, let's just hang out every day, every moment. We can.

You know, like when I was a kid, I would always fantasize about going to the grocery store because I'd be like, I'd go grocery store shopping with my mom and be like, oh, can we get this? And be like, no, no, no. And like, you know, she wouldn't buy anything I'd want. And I would always have these fantasies about a kid being like, how cool would we just be locked in a grocery store one night and I could eat anything I want. And then like you become an adult and you make money and

living your own. And every time I go to the grocery store, I'm like, I could buy anything I want, you know? And like dating as an adult, like when you're like, now you have the means, you have a house, you have a kid, like there's nothing stopping you from like spending every moment of every day with the people you're falling in love with that doesn't make it okay. I don't go to the grocery store and just go ham on some ice cream just because my mom's not there to tell me no.

You have to set boundaries for yourself. And when we are adults and we start falling in love, even though there's nothing stopping us from sleeping over each other's house every night and playing house, it's still not a smart thing to do. So like take it, set some more boundaries for yourself next time you start liking a girl. And even though it's just like it feels like you've known each other forever and it feels like you're falling in love, it's still okay to say, let's create a little space and still recognize that we have a lot to get to know about each other. Where do I go from here with her?

Because obviously there's no relationship now. Except her decision. There's no friendship. Friendship's over, man. Oh, I lost a friend too? Yeah, okay, sure. You'll make friends, man. Don't do this weird thing of like,

well, maybe I can still have her in my life because we were friends before. So like, I'll just pretend I have no feelings. Nah, you got to say goodbye to it. You got to accept and respect her decision and don't reach out. You know, whatever relationship you had with her kids, I know there's a mourning period with that too.

Just have to accept that. You got to move on from that. Focus on your daughter. Focus on you. Don't let her reach out to you. Don't, you know, like don't be someone she can conveniently reach out to when she's bored and it will be more or less boredom, not love and get back out there when you're ready in the dating scene and just keep going, man. You're still a young guy. You still got a lot of life to live you know it's still a lot to

offer to a a woman or a lady who you know so like you you have there's plenty of places for you to go just don't go backwards got it thank you all right yeah you're gonna be okay we've all been there you know like heartbreak sucks but you've proven to yourself you can get over it already. So there's plenty of opportunities ahead for you. It might feel like, oh, I can't, this is me. This is my life. But trust me, it's not just positive thoughts.

I appreciate it. Thank you for your time. All right. Take care, buddy. Bye. All right. Bye-bye. What an episode.

Thanks for our callers. I feel like we learned a lot. Sorry about the guys out there sometimes. Damn. Rough out there. We really do appreciate our callers, obviously. I do think these stories seem to be helping and and creating some conversations about things that sometimes we don't like to

talk about so as always thank you guys for for calling and thank you for listening don't forget to sending your questions at ask nick at cast media.com cast with a k and we'll be back on wednesday with a very fun and wonderful episode with the delightful krista Allen, who is both a talented actor, actress from 13 going on 30, so many other programs and TV shows, as well as a TikTok sensation. Also good at relationship advice. So who knew? But we chat and it's fun.

Check it out. Bye. but we chat and it's fun check it out bye