The Viall Files - E266 Ask Nick - Zero Tolerance Policy

Episode Date: May 10, 2021

On today's Ask Nick we start with a someone who is confused after getting a divorce and moving back in with her ex husband. He is saying all the right things but she is wondering if she is able to get over the resentment she feels from their unhealthy relationship. Next, a bestie writes in and her friend joins us to discuss her relationship. After hearing her friend talks about how she is not sure she wants to be with her boyfriend anymore- and definitely is not into having sex with him- she is stuck with her boyfriend wanting to try more and more and more and she, may just not love him anymore. Our third caller is accepting less than what she deserves from a guy that she wants to date, but she needs to remember what she wants and move forward in that direction. Last, we speak with someone who was on vacation with her boyfriend and some of his old friends when, while sitting next to her, he puts his hand on the leg of a girl that he used to date. She goes back and forth in her mind wondering if it is ok or not since he did it front of her. “It doesn’t matter how good we are when we’re good, it is how bad we are when we’re bad.” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes. For merch please visit www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: The Zebra: http://www.thezebra.com/VIALL to make insurance your smartest purchase yet. Finding You: http://www.findingyouthemovie.com visit the website to fin a theater near you. Finding You in theaters everywhere May 15th. Sunday: http://www.getsunday.com/VIALL to get $20 off your custom lawn plan. Public Goods: http://www.publicgoods.com/VIALL or use code VIALL to receive $15 off your first purchase. Cameo: http://www.cameo.com to request a personalised video, and whichever star you choose will send back a personalised video so you can “WOW” the ones you love. Best Fiends: Download the 5 star-rated puzzle game, Best Fiends FREE today on the App Store or Google Play. Episode Socials: Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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That's T-H-E-Z-E-B-R-A dot com slash V-I-A-L-L. That's T-H-E-Z-E-B-R-A dot com slash V-I-A-L-L. What's going on, everybody? Happy Monday to you all. I hope you had a great weekend. We are, the team is here. Me, Allie, Amanda, Chrissy. And it's another wonderful and positive, inspirational, fun Ask Nick episode. But it is a really fun episode and we are excited to bring

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and listening. And I hope you guys enjoy this episode. How's it going? Hi, how's it going? Good. What's your name? Good. My name is Nicolette. I'm 31 and I'm from Idaho. How can I help? Yeah. Thanks so much for taking my call. So my main question is, I'm confused. It's important to know. I recently got divorced. I know, right? I recently got divorced and it was an interesting journey. Took about nine months. I moved out last August and throughout the time, we kind of went back and forth. I mean, really I did. The main thing is like, I love him, but it's not a healthy relationship and we have two children. So that's like the most important thing

to me is that we have a healthy relationship for our kids, whether that's together or not. So in the divorce, I got the house, but I had moved out last August. So what we agreed on was I was going to refinance and do all the paperwork. And then when my lease was up, he was going to move out. Well, I moved back in and he hasn't moved out yet. And we're actually trying again in our relationship. And he's being super nice, really sweet.

He's trying. But I'm like, I tried for so long. We were married 10 years. And I would ask to go to therapy. I mean, I did everything to try. And he would like mock that I wanted to go to therapy, all this stuff. And now that he's trying, I'm like, I don't. Yes, I'm so resentful.

And I keep thinking maybe that will go away. Like he wants to go to therapy and stuff now. And we've gone to a few sessions, but I'm still feeling that resentment. And I guess I was wondering what you think about the situation. Do you think I'll ever get over that resentment? I mean, we got divorced for a reason. Yeah. I mean, I can't predict the future. Right. Right. I think to get over the resentment would require more work on the part of the relationship. Right. Which you and so there's a kind of a roadblock because you're, you're wondering, do I, am I even willing to do that any longer? I was willing to do it for so long. He mocked me,

he dismissed me and I emotionally and mentally checked out and that was hard for me. And that took a lot for me to do. And now that I'm in a position to finally move on guilt- etc etc now he wants to it's just like fuck you know it's right yeah and like things will happen and i'll be like okay i'm gonna try this is gonna work and then um like he'll do something like he he yelled at me the other day i don't know if we can cuss but he said a word to me um you can cuss and what'd he say okay he was like fuck you and like yelled at me and i was just like i don't want the kind of spouse that thinks it's okay to do that so just out of curiosity uh he hasn't moved out like has he refused to move out or or like no does he have nowhere to go no we agreed that he would stay and we would try and what did you say when he when he

said fuck you i was like flabbergasted i mean name calling was like his go-to when we were together and for years and years and years i said don't do that um and so i just like walked away from the situation i needed to chill and then i started like cooking dinner and he came in and wanted to talk to me i said the first thing out of your mouth better be an apology because like we've had this conversation hundreds of times that you should not yell at me what did he say he was just dismissive and eventually he apologized but like i don't want to have to deal with this stuff that even so where are so you the divorce is not finalized yeah or it is no it is so you're divorced yeah okay well listen here's what I would do if you still want to salvage the relationship. And that's only if, and I would totally understand if you're just like, I'm good. You know, like the hard part, the messiness of getting the divorce and lawyers and the cost associated with that, like that's done. So like the hard part's over over now you're just kind of like considering dating your ex-husband again yeah so there is freedom in that so that's cool for you there's it's a fine line because what i would do is say listen all right if you

want to try to make this work with me i am open to doing that however i've done x y and z over a number of years and just you know I feel some resentment towards you as a result of this and and don't you want it's a fine line between like standing around and pointing out how you feel and not simultaneously throwing things in his face because that's just counterproductive yeah but you can't and I think it's fair to say it's just like I'm willing to work with you but I need to see it from you that you really are committed to doing this like i gave up on us i offered therapy you didn't want it so as i sit here today i am very reluctantly open to it because i do love you and i care about you and i would like to make it work but i don't trust you that you're really willing to do this.

And I don't mean willing to do this. Not like willing to do this now because you're kind of afraid yourself to move on, but like really committed to doing the work. So let him see if he's willing to do the work and have a very tight leash. I mean, if he keeps doing the same thing, like cussing at you, at some point you have to have a zero tolerance policy, and he has to understand that as a homeowner now i can't tell you how much i care about how good my lawn works but the crucial thing is we all live in different places with different climates and sunday makes it

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You can't be driving any longer. And I think if he's willing to drive, so to speak, and lead this, as long as you are supportive in that role without throwing it in his face, then I think it has a small chance of working out. face and I think it has a small chance of working out. But my guess is a lot of this is based off of fear on his part of really being able to move on and it finally dawned on him after the divorce was all over and settled. So it's a tough situation because you have a family with him, you have kids. In a perfect world, you guys find reconciliation reconciliation but he needs to be the one really pushing this along he can't just he can't be like fine i'm willing to do it now while while you're still leading the charge right because that's what's that right that's him just like barely doing a little bit more than he than he was before now he's all now he's oh my god he's willing to go to therapy like i know you know no he needs to say

wow i fucked up i really i i can't believe i risked this thing and i and i don't even deserve to get it back but i'm i really want to show you how important it is to me and like i think that's the only way so it's you know it's like, I think that's the only way. So it's, you know, it's actions over words and it's him doing it. And if, if you find yourself like,

you know, if you were to stop trying to fix things, would he, what would happen? I mean, I kind of have, and he is still trying and still doing things but he's still fucking up well you know he's not gonna change over he's not gonna change overnight so there is that i know but so

and it's tough right it's it's a really tough situation you're in because where do you draw the line i don't think it's that's exactly right i don't think it's hard for i don't think it's hard for you to have a zero talents policy on him telling you to fuck off or calling you names or be verbally abusive. He just, nah. He can stop doing that. And if he can't, then that's something that might,

if he is so volatile that he needs so much work because he can't control the things he says to you, if he gets really angry, then this is a person who needs lots of therapy and lots of work before it's going to get to a place where you want it to be. But if he can, at a minimum, be like, you know what? going forward i will never talk to you this way and i will get really angry and i might want to and i might feel it but i'm not going to do it then maybe maybe so i think you know does that make sense because yeah no it does if you can't control that then this guy needs so much work it's gonna be it's gonna be a journey it's gonna be a process yeah i'm at that point of thinking that same thing like how many more chances can someone fuck up because i get it like not no one's perfect and

especially when you have these issues you have to keep practicing and get better at it but how many more times do you get to have a free pass? Exactly. I mean, like if it was like a cheating situation. So yeah, people fuck up. But you know, some things you just don't do. And some things you as an adult, if you're an adult who thinks they're capable

of being in a committed romantic relationship and having a family, then there's like certain minimum standards you should be able to like adhere to you know not screaming and swearing at your partner is one of those right and again yeah again we fuck up from time to time but there should be an immediate recognition of like i am so sorry i was wrong i embarrassed i'm ashamed i don't ever want to talk to you that way and if that is so hard for your partner to do or your ex-husband then this is someone who may not like have the minimum basic qualities it requires it have it is required to have to be in a healthy, committed relationship.

So, you know, have that maybe be your minimum standard. Yeah. No, I think that's fair. Trying, like saying, like what is he doing? He's being thoughtful, more thoughtful. Like he stopped and bought me a coffee on his way home the other day. thoughtful more thoughtful like he stopped and bought me a coffee on his way home the other day he is making sure he's cooking meals that i can i'm uh i have certain like intolerances he used to like make fun of me for them and now he's actually like so it is basic that's nice

and that's nice and that's i don't you know i don't think listen basic sure but like those little things are things that we appreciate in relationships and often get taken for granted. So I don't think you have to dismiss it and be like, oh, it's silly. But the question you have to ask yourself is how sustainable is that? Is he doing it just to get in your good graces? I think it's unclear for you right now. And those are all nice things, but it doesn't excuse him.

It's one of those things where, is it nice to have my partner do nice things for me? Of course, it's nice to feel appreciated. But I can cook, I can clean, I can do things on my own. What I can't control and what I can't do is have someone I'm in a relationship with scream at me, be toxic to me, put me down, ridicule me, swear at me. You know what I'm saying? Those are things I can't have. You know, those are the non-negotiables that like I can't be in a relationship with. Like,

I like that I have a partner who thinks of me from time to time and makes me feel like she appreciates me. And that is, I'm not saying it's not important, but like I can do a lot of things on my own, right? And if I'm single, I can take care of myself. When I'm single, I don't have people screaming at me and tell me how stupid I am or how useless I can be. And I can't, why can't you get that? Like, how hard is it to like do this? You know, like just belittle and berate

and partners do that. So like, if he's still doing that, like all the like, Oh, hi, you know, doesn't mean anything or like cooking for you is like, it's a nice, but like, that's not what you need to be happy, you know? And I guess I maybe thought I needed those things to be happy because when we initially are separated and I brought those things up, he immediately started doing them. It's like, yeah, like those nice acts are good. But like you said, they don't negate the shitty things you are doing.

And that's the big issue. Those other things are nice things. And again, you can show appreciation. You don't want to make them think it's not doing anything. But like, you know, thank you. But once you do X, Y, and Z, you know, it's the classic case of, it doesn't matter how good we are when we're good. It's how bad we are when we're bad. I like that. Yeah. So, you know, and I've had a handful of relationships that like I walked away from because there were a couple of times, you know, we'd, you know, this I've had a handful of relationships that like I walked away from because there were a couple of times, you know, we, you know, this is way back when and we'd break up and then we'd like run into each other.

We have all this chemistry and we'd have so much fun. And then one time I had an ex be like, you know, I can't get you back together. Like, we're so good together. I'm like, yeah, it's great when we're great. But like, man, it's bad, man. I it's terrible. And nothing between us has shown me that the, the bad's fixed. The problems aren't going away.

So like, you know, it's like a, it doesn't matter how high you get when you take drugs. If like the, the, the coming off the drugs is detrimental to your health. So no one's arguing that like you get a really great high when you, you take some dangerous drugs. It's, it's how they affect you negatively is why people are like, don't fucking do it.

Yeah. So there's not much different in this situation. So yeah, it's a tough situation. I would focus on, on those things as the as your kind of barometer of telling yourself whether you should stay in and and don't feel guilty about leaving a situation just because he's like cooking for you now yeah you can find other people

to cook for you and he needs to really drive the like it's the work he needs to do on himself it's the work he needs to do on himself it's the work he needs to do on communicating it's a therapy it's like it's not the cooking and like it's kind of thinking of you so all right thank you hopefully that helped and like the good news is as much other than like you're you know you know the guilt i don't know it's like i'm sure like you know you have kids and you want to make it work for your kids and but all that being said the hard part of the divorce is over so like that's good news for you yeah yeah i could be like okay you have to move out tomorrow if i wanted to you know yeah so tight leash and as long as you keep him in your life like you know just be a cripple not to throw things in his face,

you know? Um, so, okay. Yeah. Okay. Thanks for your advice. I appreciate it.

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That's friends without the R, Best Fiends They have over 1 million downloads So you know people are loving it What's going on? Hi, my name is Maddie I am 24 And I live in the Bay Area and I submitted an Ask Nick question for my friend Jessica. Hi, my name is Jessica. I'm 23, also from the Bay Area.

Maddie is my friend who decided to submit a question on my behalf. So here we are today. So who wants to tell the story? Who can more articulate the story? I'll sum it up. So I submitted a question for Jessica because she has a hard time expressing her feelings. And we were just all together as girlfriends. And she was sharing with us her kind of struggles with her relationship.

And we always kind of talk highly of her and her boyfriend. So I think that was like something that was hard for her to open up about. And I am a big fan of the bio files. So I was like, I'm just going to submit it for her thinking that you guys wouldn't get back to me and you guys did. So I kind of had to convince her to get on today and figure out her situation if she wants to elaborate so you're like the emotionally supportive friend and i was curious i'm very curious what you would say nick because i think it's a really interesting scenario or situation.

All right. Well, let's hear it. Kind of just like a background. So I've been together with my boyfriend for five years, almost six years now. We started dating freshman year of college. We're both graduated out of college. We're both in our careers now. And I feel like for at least the past one to two years, I've just kind of been questioning whether or not I actually love him, I guess. Because when I first started dating him, it was a no brainer why I should be dating him. He checked all my boxes.

He was funny, handsome, sweet, had a good family, had a good head on his shoulders, was going into a good career, genuinely see spending the rest of my life with. But I guess as time has gone on, and especially in the last year, like in 2020 and 2021, I've just questioned whether or not I love my life with him, or I love him because I don't feel like it's both right now, if that makes sense. So what you love is the life you've kind of molded, but you're just... Yeah, exactly. Like I see him more right now as a life partner, I guess, than someone that I'm in love with. I feel like the love is missing between us.

What do you think is missing? I honestly don't know what's missing. It's just like I know that I should be feeling some sort of connection, I guess, like love interest connection. And I just feel like I don't feel that anymore. How old are you again? 23.

Okay, how old is he? He's also 23. Is he like your first love? First real love? Yeah, I'd say so. Well, how about, okay, and how about for him? Maybe not first real love. I mean, to me, sounds like a like a situation where

you don't have the benefit of experience and perspective you know you could a lot of like say older couples you know been married for 30 years could be listening to this and be like hey babe shit this is love you know you're gonna have to choose to love and you have to choose to, love is not necessarily a fairytale feeling of romance and glamour. It's an act of choice to make it work with a partner for the rest of your life. And someday that is how it should be

and has to be to make a an entire relationship over the course of a lifetime work right but here you are as a 23 year old woman who's only really been in love with one guy and you have nothing to compare it to right so like here i am i'm you know older than you i've had a handful of relationships i've been in love with multiple people. I've broken people's hearts. I've had my heart broken. And through all those experiences, I've been able to kind of look at what was good and bad, right? And now when I choose to get into a relationship, I can decide and really evaluate how it compares those other situations. Now, the downside sometimes of that is, and when people who are single in their 30s and, you know, 40s and get older, they can be a little bit more cynical, right? And they can, they have more perspective,

right? And therefore they can, they know what they want and what they don't want. So they get a little more too picky, which is fine. But sometimes you're just like, fuck, you know, I can, you're able to pick up on things you don't like really easily as well, right? And when you're younger, it's like, it's more about this excitement. He checks all these boxes and it's great. And you're finally excited that you found someone to check their boxes. And that's a big motivating factor. And now you have settled in, right? And it sounds like, you know, I remember that. Like I graduated from college.

I wanted to get a job right away. I got a job right away. And it was like, okay, like, so this is like the rest of my life? Or like, it's kind of boring, you know? And so, you know, you have all these goals and aspirations, you work so hard and you try to mold this life like you have, and then like, you're still really young and you're kind of like, I have it, but it doesn't feel all that exciting.

Is there something better for me out there? So what I'm saying is what you're feeling is kind of natural and normal, right? And I don't really have a clear answer for you, like what you should do, you should break up. It's just more deciding. It might take you to separate, right? And explore life without him.

That's a risk you're going to have to decide, is it willing to take? You know, there's some truth to like, and it's all about how you handle it. Have you had conversations with your boyfriend about this state of mind or feelings that you've had? Yeah. So actually about maybe a little bit over a month ago, we were kind of talking about it. Because another problem with us is our sex life.

Just because I feel like I keep making excuses to not have sex with him at this point. And it's not because the sex isn't great. It's just like I don't want to with him. I feel like I never have. You told him that? Yeah. How did he handle that? It wasn't a great conversation.

But I mean, it's been something that I've been dodging, like beating around the bush about for the past year and I just he knew even he knew that I would just kept making excuses after excuse and so he finally confronted me about it and that's when I told him like I don't know if I'm really feeling the same way about you as I was when we first started dating five years ago and so we talked about it and I brought up the idea of like you know what if we go to couples therapy or a break he completely shot me down he didn't ask her why he thought couples therapy was stupid he didn't think like a third party could bring anything

into our relationship that we didn't already know and then a break is just i guess i agree kind of with him like if you break up you should break up right and just depends on how mature you guys decide you want to be about this situation hard to be super mature and i i don't and i at the risk of sounding condescending is like you have the right to like not have it all figured out right now like it's much easier for me to be like well this is how you should do it because i just like i've just had shit happen to me and i've done some shit and like that's part of living right it would be the very mature thing to do as hard as it is for both of you to say we've reached this kind of roadblock at least one of us has and i love you i care about you i see so

many reasons why you could be my life partner but this is something i need to do and i know this might be the end of us but i like i don't know if couples therapy at this point is what you need right because like it doesn't sound like you're having a hard time communicating it doesn't sound like you're having a hard time communicating. It doesn't sound like you're having a hard time working through some issues. This is something that you feel and you need to work through almost on your own. This is not a couple's thing. This is a you thing. And he then has to decide whether, if he's being really honest with himself, as hard as it is to hear from you, like,

I don't know the sex, boring vanilla, or I don't know if I feel the same way. Does he maybe feel the same way about you? Sometimes maybe my guess is probably, you know, like there's maybe, I don't,

I don't know. And so, yes, if you guys were to break up, you shouldn't call it a break. You shouldn't like check in. You should have some real separation and you should live your life and experience life without him and you might find it's you you you really appreciate him and or not and like i know that might be unconventional

and and if he is a kind of you know big on the old rom-coms or the traditional love or what love really means to him because it's his parents story or whatever he might be like i don't know if i could ever get past the fact that you needed to have sex with other man men to realize how i was great and that might be true other people might be like you know what fuck it it's life whatever you know had we would have met at at 26 and you got to experience other people, you might not be feeling these things of wondering what else is out there, but you didn't get to plan that. That's when you met them.

You met them when you were a freshman in college, when you were more inexperienced and you would have been at 30 had you met them then. And that does matter. So you can either complain and whine that fate had you meet as a freshman in college rather than when you were 30 and more experience or you can just do something about it and see if you guys can get over the the pride

and the ego behind like needing to experience life without each other and it may not work right there's a good chance you might like you're just really afraid to lose him and he's afraid to lose you but like as singles despite it being lonely and hard and sad for a period of time, that you might really enjoy getting to know more people. Or you might find that he was the best thing ever to happen to you and you just need to get some perspective. I see what you're saying,

but the only problem is that with him, he thinks that it's an us issue. He wants to work on us and try to better us well the good news about it being a you issue is you don't need his permission to work on that issue you just need to have the courage to like leave and risk losing him he doesn't have to agree with you you know and you're not going to get him to be like, Hey, here's my blessing.

Go forth and fuck a bunch of dudes. Like it's going to be hard on him and sad. Like in a perfect world, he would be like, that's just, you're going to have to hope he finds that perspective as time goes on. And that's probably why jessica he keeps taking you on little trips to try to save you guys which is probably i mean it's only gonna like kind of it's not gonna work it's gonna

probably make you hate him more because you're like yep even the trips don't work and that's not about the fucking exactly it's not about the trip exactly that's exactly what just happened because this past weekend we went to Santa Barbara just to get away, little couples retreat thing. I mean, it was fun. Yeah, I had a good time, but I just kept thinking to myself, this isn't working.

I don't feel any different than before we left. We still have the same issues. Nothing was fixed. If that's where you are, then you need to kind of, you know, find the courage to take this risk. Because you're right. It's not a couple's thing. It's something that you are grappling with as an individual.

And there is a risk. Because, yeah, you might break up with him and realize you had a really great thing, but you've gotten your head that there might be something better for you out there. And maybe as a young 23-year-old woman, you need to figure it out on your own. It doesn't matter if some 50-year-old couple comes to you and says, well, you know, that's a marriage. So make it work. That's not going to change how you feel. They might be right. You know what I'm saying? They might be right. But, you know, clearly you're not in a position where you want to settle down right now. And that's okay. Like, do you want to get married at 23 or 24, 25? Like, I don't know, maybe you do.

And that's fine if you do. if you don't like why would you like why are you only dating one person if you if if getting married and settled down isn't in like the foreseeable future like what what's the point that's true I mean I definitely don't want to get married now so like how why why like why date one person I don't know I just I know I get it because that's what you do and that's what people tell you to do and like don't be a slut and like you know I get all that and like you just want to have a you know like date around you know and who knows yeah someone you know it might work out in six more 12 months but it sounds like right now nothing's working as far as relationships so you just need to probably do the tough thing end it as graciously as possible. He's going to be mad, hurt, and sad.

Hopefully he doesn't say or do anything in that breakup that's unforgivable and is hurt, but he needs to go out and experience life and do his thing and date around, and you need to do the same thing and see if in a year you miss him or you miss each other. Yeah. But, yes, this is not about like, well, I'm going to call you in a year live your life and see if you guys find your way back to each other this is not like a don't tell him to wait around for you don't be like i might change my mind you gotta you gotta hard break up with him

you gotta let him go you gotta let him and encourage you know you gotta let him get mad enough about you that he wants to do the same thing for himself. All right? Okay. Yep. So that's my two cents. Sad. All right.

Well, Godspeed. It's going to be hard, but just when you're doing it, try to be as selfless as possible. Don't worry about him hating you. Don't worry about being the good guy. Don't worry. Just be kind, but don't lead him on. Don't give him false you. Don't worry about being the good guy. Don't worry. You know, like just be kind, but don't lead him on. Don't give him false hope. It's okay if he cries. It's okay if he gets mad at you. He might say some things that hurt your feelings short of it being like really toxic and mean. Like that's all that happens in a breakup. Okay. Thank you, Nick.

Best of luck. right take care thank you how's it going good what's your name jenna i'm 29 how can i help jenna um well about two years ago um i went through kind of a tough breakup. We were together almost six years and very much in love when we broke up. But I woke up at 27 and I kind of realized that I had never been alone and I'd never dated as an adult before. And I it was really hard, but we parted ways. Um, and then shortly after that, um, I, um, met Jake and Jake was, uh, 10 years older and Jake, an actual person. Yeah. Yeah. All right. You don't have to use his name. No, no. I used a fake name. All right. his name? You don't have to use his name.

No, no. I used a fake name. You just met a guy. Jake. I met a man. He was older and very funny and cool. He kind of helped me forget about my ex. At the time,

he told me he wasn't looking for anything serious and neither was I. I was out of this long thing. And I think though, that I was still very naive. At that time, I was kind of playing dress up as this, you know, single girl dating all these guys having all this fun. And I kind of still was under the impression that I would, you I would meet someone and fall in love and, um, kind of fall effortlessly into this long-term relationship, like the first time. Um, and that's where two years, um, it's been two years and me and Jake are still casually

hooking up. Um, and I had like kind of an epiphany recently, I was dating a man significantly younger than myself. And I heard myself telling him that I wasn't looking for a relationship. And I realized I identify now I identify more with with jake and this romanticized you know version of love is gone i want to date intentionally i do want to fall in love but now i feel like i don't know how like i feel like i have two modes of like my ex's girlfriend um or this kind of like perpetual fucking around that i'm doing and specifically i don't know what to do about jake because i don't want to let him go why don't you want to let this jake guy go and we have something um what is that

something i feel like good sex i feel like we're equals in a way like like we both know what we're getting out of this and i i weirdly like ironically i feel, like he's the only connection to that version of myself two years ago that was still hopeful, you know, and was naive about like what the dating world really is. And, and kind of connection to like my ex too. Like it's,

I don't want to kind of set that time of my life down, but I need to, you know, cause I'm like wasting time. What, what, but what other than like a memory or nostalgia like yeah why are you still hanging out with this chick guy um

if you wanted to really good if he okay so it's good sex if he were to call you up today and be like listen i think i want to date you i want to be in a relationship i have feelings for you what would you do oh my god um i think i'd say yes okay yeah so you need to stop hanging out with him in the context of of which you're hanging out with him because you are accepting less than what you want out of this relationship. Right? You're not asking,

like you're settling for what he's willing to give even though you want more. And that's fine early on. Early on, there's a lot of like unknown. You're, you know, maybe you hook up fast and you maybe wanted to or vice versa. Who knows? You're just getting to know each other.

And so you're not really sure what you want from someone. But after six or eight months or four months, I don't know, whatever period of time, once you realize that you want something out of a relationship, it's important to be honest with yourself about it. Often, we aren't honest with ourselves. And out of the fear of losing the little bit that we're able to get from someone we accept much less than what we actually want so we don't ask ourselves these questions well i would i mean if you wanted to date me i would totally date him okay great he

doesn't want to date me so why are you you know i get why you're putting you know good sex there's a there's there's nice things but once you know that you want more and you're willing to accept less, you're setting a precedent for that relationship and for yourself that you're willing to accept less more than what you want. And sometimes the want, more importantly, is the things that you might need out of a relationship. So you'll probably need some more consistency, some sustainability, some assurance, less confusion, right? And you will

accepting more, less than what you want and deserve is creating all this other kind of confusion in your life. And so as far, you know, because you know, you can confidently say, I would, yeah, I would date him if he wanted to date me. I want to date him. Fuck it. Yeah. I want to date him. You know what? And it hurts my feelings that he's, that whatever we've shared in the past, you know, year, two years that we've been hanging out, that he hasn't seen enough in me that he would want to date me. You know, there's something about it that, and there's, you know, there's an ego thing involved, but what you haven't done is you haven't given him a reason to worry about losing what he is getting from you because it's like you know you guys come

and go out of convenience in each other's lives and you've told yourself it's all cool and then so you need to stop being cool about it and and and and not mean just a totally like, hey, Jake, you're great, you're awesome, I don't wanna do this, but you don't wanna date me, and that's totally fine, it's round its course. And I need more than this, I want more, I expect more, and it's fine, you got your own thing, and you gotta cut him off. And he's gotta really believe that you're gone,

and who knows how he responds to that. But like we've mentioned in the past, my girlfriend did this to me, literally. And he needs to really come correct. He really needs to like show you, he can't like half-ass it. He can't be like, what? You know, he's just like, no.

If you were to allow him back in, he has to be willing to date you, want to date you, realize that like he's taking you for granted a little bit. We all do that. You don't have to throw it in his face, resent him, but he has. Now, if he doesn't, you still need to let it go, right? And it'll free you up. And maybe that closure is what you'll really need even from your first boyfriend.

That nostalgia that you're hanging out to, it's time let go if jake doesn't want to date you and that will free you up to kind of get better at except like only allowing the things that you you're not expecting or asking for less than the things that you know you want because that doesn't get you anywhere right that just bides you time and that gives you momentary happiness and that like allows you to not feel lonely or bored at times, but it doesn't really get you what you want and deserve by accepting less.

Yeah, and like, I guess, so if I tell him, because the last time I asked him like, you know, what are you looking for? That was like over a year ago. Yeah, and I don't know if you've been listening to every episode, but you need to stop asking what he wants.

You know, you tell him what you want. Yeah. Yeah. So. Oh, yeah. That's scary, I know. But what do you have to lose? Yeah.

He's not the only guy who has a good lay out there, you know? He offers you a little bit of security. You found a good lay, and he's probably not a total dick and yeah i'm looking for this i'm looking for a relationship with you um and he gives me like like he said come correct he's like be fully there like like what i guess like i'm like been dating so casually for so long i don't't think you should. At this point. I'm not really sure what does Ivan look like. I'm just going to be like, sure.

At this point, I wouldn't even be like, I want to. Because I think he might say, sure. Sure? I know. Yeah, I think he might be like, yeah, okay. I don't even think you should tell him what you. I think because of the way it's. I think you should stop him.

You should end it. You should try to end it and see if he tries to stop him. You should end it. You should try to end it and see if he tries to stop you. I mean, it's a little game playing, but I think if you really think this guy's going to be like, sure. I think you need to be like, from what I'm gathering,

unless there's something different, you're not looking for a relationship. And that's just what I want. And I just, you're great. I love spending time with you, but it's like, it's complicating the things that I really want and deserve. So I think I'm just going to end it, you know?

And if you want to tell them that you would want to be in a relationship with them, then fine. I think that's okay. But you should, yeah, you should be like, I would, listen, I want it with you, but you don't want it with me. So that's okay but you should yeah you should be like i would listen i want it with you but you don't want it with me so that's okay yeah you know that way it sounds like you're prepared to leave you're not like pining and asking him one more time if he'll date you you know yeah you're

just like that's like my worst fear i'm prepared i'm prepared to leave this is what i want i don't think you want it it It's totally fine. I'm going to go. And you do that. And you see what happens. And who knows? Like you said, you actually think maybe he will. Maybe, who knows?

50-50. It's a coin flip. But if you want to progress your own personal dating life, you need to kind of get rid of the loose ends and things that are dead weight that's holding you back and it's time you're investing you know Jake you're investing in Jake anytime you sleep with Jake hang out with Jake that's time you could be doing other things and getting to know other people and it's holding you back so you know that's why you need to stop it because it's not you're not going anywhere you're just you know going around the circle and

and then yeah get back out there and, you know, younger guys, guys, your age, older guys, you know, the doors open, you know, and, and, uh, just kind of be honest with yourself about start, start kind of only allowing the things that you want and deserve in your, in your life. And don't do things out of boredom and convenience. Don't do other things out of fear of being alone and and things like that and that'll allow you to invest in things that are worth your time yeah okay i guess step one is break up with this guy yeah and who knows we'll see what happens but

let them know where you stand let them know that you're willing to let them go yeah and without anger or resentment appreciation for the good times that you've had it's all been great no regrets but it's it's run its course yes okay yeah all right okay yes thank you all right best of luck you'll be great i appreciate it all right bye-bye how's it going hi hi this is uh jennifer uh age 25 or almost happy birthday yeah thanks how can i help jennifer okay so um last october i was invited to accompany my boyfriend to his like one of his oldest friend's birthdays and it was like in a cabin in the mountains and it was just like a few of us and um there was this girl there that he didn't know was going to be there and like he was really surprised to see her he thought it was someone else by the same name and he was like oh it's this other girl that like I didn't know she was going to be here and

he kind of like acted like a little bit nervous about it like and so I was like oh well cool I guess it's like nice to see old friends and like you seem like a little weird like she like an ex or something he's like yeah no like we used to hook up a little bit like back in our rave days he's 31 now um so like in their early 20s or something so and I was like oh well whatever like I'll just try to have a good time but um on like the last night we were there we were like all sitting on the couch and stuff and then like he may or may not have been on hallucinogenics at the time and uh like he was sitting next to her and he like puts his hand on her leg and then kind of like

holds it there for a while and like taps the beat of the music kind of like on her leg and I guess like at the time it kind of bothered me and I don't think it was anything malicious because like it was obviously right in front of me so he knew that I could see him and but I don't know it still kind of bothered me and I know it sounds super immature and like silly but I don't know I don't think it's immature or silly to be bothered by someone you're dating to put their hand on the thigh of anyone let alone like someone they used to hook up with yeah and even if he did it in front of you I don't think that should be like oh well he did it in front of you, I don't think that should be like,

oh, well he did it in front of me. So I guess I should be okay with it. I mean, you know, imagine that line of thinking take you. So what did you do with that information? Do you have,

you said anything to him? No. So at the time I was just like, I didn't really want to come across as like being jealous or, and I kind of thought I was going to get over it before. And I don't know, but here I am. i still think about it so yeah well i think it's important to be able to express the things that you think about and that bother you you know you have yeah it's a very i mean if if the good thing you have you can be confident in knowing that that like everyone listening to this would be like, yeah, that would bother me.

Unless you're like specifically get turned on by your partner flirting with someone in your face as a way to stimulate you. And you know, some people might be into that. But if short of that being specifically communicated, then you have a right to have that bother you. And then you recognize, hey, you guys were doing drugs or whatever, and that might affect your thinking,

and you're not even coming with a place of necessarily, you're not freaking out on them. But you should feel confident in standing your ground that you have the right to feel the way you do. And I think that's important for you before you do approach him to just confidently say, I'm not crazy.

I'm not jealous. I'm not, but I can feel jealousy. And I, and, and, and more importantly than feeling jealousy, it's like,

why did you do that? Yeah. A little fucked up there, buddy. Yeah. I just feel weird, like bringing it up so many months later. So should i make it

clear maybe like next time when i do like have a problem with something like to kind of be like look i'm sorry i won't do this again like i won't wait well i mean again it's it's challenging i wouldn't say well you know so you don't have to sit there and apologize you can just say hey listen i'd like to talk to you before i talk to you i want to recognize that like this probably feeling like it's coming out of left field because i was i just didn't know how to bring it up yeah right yeah that's a better way than like right off the bat be like i'm sorry i shouldn't like like again like he first of all he did something wrong it's not necessarily a fireable offense, but it was still wrong.

Yeah. Yeah. In a perfect world, you would have brought it up. And yes, it is a teachable moment for you and a learning opportunity for you to trust yourself that you, you know, you're not, you don't bury things that bother you because clearly they don't go away. Yeah. So you do recognize so that he can't throw it in your face.

Like, why did you bring it up to me then like i i recognize i should have brought up to you earlier i was wasn't sure but i still want to talk to you about it now and say i want to talk to you about this yeah don't come at him don't yell at him just be like and and you tell him how you and see what he says and if he right away says honestly i i i don't even have a memory of that. Obviously, we were on drugs. But don't bring up the drugs. Don't give him all the reason.

Don't tell him all of his excuses he could have. Just say how it made you feel. And if he wants to say, I don't remember we were doing drugs, he can say that. That's fine. I guess it's reasonable were doing drugs that's he can say that that's fine i guess it's reasonable but either way he should say the correct response would be you're right i i'm i didn't realize but now that i realize i do that did this i'm so sorry you have every right to feel the way you did yeah i don't want to have made you feel that way. And I hope we can get past that.

But I recognize, thank you for telling me. I'm glad, you know, those are the things he should say. And if he doesn't say those things and some version of that, then that's a concern that he, you know, don't let him gaslight you. Don't let him make you feel bad. Don't let him make it about how long you waited. Yeah. You know, and just talk to him and see if he's willing to talk to you back and if he's not

willing to talk to you back that is a sign that he is not willing to talk to you about things that bother you going forward yeah yeah i think that's like a habit of both of ours too is that we don't say what's bothering us right away you kind of and then maybe say hey that's something i think we don't do well in general and i like for us to work on this together make it a team thing and don't you know yeah the more you attack the more he'll get defensive so like see you know talk to him in a way that is open and and don't give him reasons to get it offensive and if he does get defensive then that's a that's a red flag that's a bad sign okay but don't apologize for things that you shouldn't feel sorry for all while trying to simultaneously communicate with him the things

that are bothering you just recognize that he empathize with how he might be receiving this rather than apologizing like i understand this is coming out of left field i don't want to you know but it has been bothering me and I want to talk. Yeah. I just don't want it to like happen again. And then, yeah. Yeah.

Or, I mean, also if like, that's like such a big problem for him, I don't want to, I don't know, hold him back from anything. So,

I mean, listen, we have people from our past that we had sexual chemistry with and, and, and that's perfectly fine. If you're doing hallucinogens, it might, you know, like, we have people from our past that we had sexual chemistry with. Yeah, and that's perfectly fine. If you're doing hallucinogens, it might, you know, like, you know, those are consequences of doing that shit. And you sound like you're willing to recognize some of those things.

To me, it sounds like you just want, where you feel unsafe is that you don't know how he feels about this you don't know if he has a recollection of it right you don't know yeah it just you know if he recognizes that he empathizes with your feelings i'm guessing that would make you feel better you know like i think at the time i was like feeling kind of just alone because it was like all these people that have known each other forever and then i was kind of like i went out so yeah he whether he meant to or not drugs or not he was dismisses of dismissive of your feelings he kind of just pretended you weren't there yeah yeah couldn't fuck that would make anyone feel uh weird so yeah totally justified for you to feel that way and you it's great great goal to say to him i would like for us to get better at this because

i i'm not good at letting you know like and if i did this to you i want you to be able to talk to me about it as well yeah exactly exactly all right thanks at least I know like I wasn't being silly not at all not even a little bit so yeah you have the right to feel how you feel you just

and you can't be in a relationship if you can't communicate those things to him even if they're hard you have to be able you can't expect him a relationship if you can't communicate those things to him even if they're hard you have to be able you can't expect him to read your mind or whatever granted he should have fucking known that was wrong to do but like yeah if your guy's gonna like do shrooms

or whatever it is that you guys were on then you know there's a little you know some shit that you have to like you know maybe he should have known but hey fuck it like i don't know but you just have to be able to talk to your partner about things that you guys um that it bothers you guys you know however whatever it is and they should want to like empathize and and

and make it better yeah well yeah a little nerve-wracking because he doesn't really believe in like the emotion of jealousy like he says it's an unnecessary emotion that's fucking stupid there's no emotion that's unnecessary they just are exactly good for him for like i don't like being jealous either but jealousy still exists jealousy comes from a place of insecurity and like we've talked about it's either an insecurity he brings into the relationship by his actions like i don't know rubbing in another girl's thigh in front of you or an insecurity you might have from like shit that has happened to you in previous relationships or your life or things about yourself that you have to work on right and the people who have less insecurities or or at least are better at dealing with their insecurities tend to be less jealous right but like yeah he is capable of being jealous mr i don't believe in i think

it's a waste of energy and if he wants to if he's been able if he's been able to harness that jealousy into like getting into like weird kinks like cuckling or like open relationships good on him that's a personal preference. But like everyone deals with jealousy their own way, right? To pretend it doesn't exist and to be dismissive of your partner because they might feel jealousy is no way to have a sustainable relationship. Yeah. Yeah. I think he has his own kind of traumas

from relationships just from not seeing good examples of him in the past. And pretending they don't exist and not talking with him is no way to be

in a healthy relationship with this guy. Yeah. You're absolutely right. All right. All right. Thank you. Best of luck.

All right. Thank you so much. Take care. Yep. My pleasure. All right. Bye-bye. Well, what a great episode.

Thanks for listening, everybody. I hope we helped save your life. I'm talking to all the people who called in. I appreciate you guys calling in. And for those of you listening, hopefully you found this beneficial. If nothing else, entertaining. We always appreciate you listening.

Don't forget to send your questions at AskNikaCastMe.com. Cast with a K. And if there's nothing else, we will see you on Wednesday.