The Viall Files - E268 Ask Nick- He’s Manipulating You

Episode Date: May 17, 2021

It is Monday which means it is time for Ask Nick. On today's episode we start with someone who is dating someone who says they are in a relationship but does not want to fully commit because he still wants to hook up with other women. Our next caller was cheated on by her boyfriend after being accusatory toward her, and she wants to know what could she have paid attention to to see it coming. "It is messy" is the best way to describe our next call- and how she describes it herself. Lastly, we speak with someone who feels like the guy she has been speaking to on a dating app makes her feel like he has cooled off on her as soon as she started to get invested.  “Tell yourself the truth, charming, confident, good looking doesn’t mean great boyfriend.” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  For merch please visit www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Usual Wines: http://www.usualwines.com use discount code VIALLfor $8 off your first order and try your first glass on us! Betterhelp: http://www.betterhelp.com/VIALLFILES Viall Files listeners get 10% offtheir first month. Brooklinen: http://www.brooklinen.com use promo code VIALL to get $20 off, with a minimum purchase of $100. Cameo: http://www.cameo.com to request a personalised video, and whichever star you choose will send back a personalised video so you can “WOW” the ones you love.  Headspace: http://www.headspace.com/VIALL for a FREE ONE-MONTH TRIAL with access to Headspace’s full library of meditations for every situation. Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Go check out their website at www.usualwines.com and use my discount code VIALL for $8 off your first order and try your first glass on us. What's going on, everybody? Happy Monday! Welcome to another fantastic and truly amazing episode of The Vile Files. This is your Ask Nick episode. That is my producer Chrissy laughing. We also have Amanda and Allie with us today.

We have a great episode and once again can't thank our people who call in, share their stories and entertain us with their questions and issues. And we can't thank them enough. Please send in your questions and your submissions. Email us at ASNIC at castmedia.com. You can certainly be anonymous if you so choose. Sometimes we prefer that, you know, just for everyone's mental health. Don't forget that we have some amazing, fun, lovable, and cozy merch at vilefiles.com. Don't forget to rate us with five stars and subscribe. Tell your friends.

It always means a lot, especially our Ask Nick callers. You know, share our podcast on their social. We certainly try to reshare that when you do. So thank you so much. Yeah, Nick is like blowing up. TikTok's bringing them to the podcast. We don try to reshare that when you do. So thank you so much. Yeah, Nick is like blowing up. TikTok's bringing them to the podcast. We don't want to reverse it. It's the other way around.

We're going to keep the traffic going one way. Yeah, but you are blowing up on that app, sir. Well, thank you, TikTok, for recognizing the genius that I am with all the humility. He's also humble, yeah. We have a great episode for you on wednesday the delightful wonderful molly sims is with us uh molly is a friend uh and i've gotten to know her and she's so cool

and honest and i love her directness and we have a great conversation about her kind of being successful in the hollywood space dating she's a mom now and so Parenting soccer moms out there And yeah we just have A great conversation talk about our childhoods And the impact that we've learned from our parents Things that we felt like they got right or maybe Got wrong and how do we apply that to Our kids I don't have any kids but I always think about

What I would do with kids yeah So check that out and If nothing else Let's get to our callers. How's it going? Good. How about you? Good. How can I help? I'm Danny. I'm 26. I'm from Nashville. And I was just talking to this guy for like a couple of weeks.

I'm 26 and he's 34 34 and there's somewhat of an age difference but we met on an app but we have mutual friends so we went out a few weeks ago we've been talking for like a month or so and um we ended up hooking up that night after our date and everything went perfect and then he was like um i'm opening up my own business pretty much that he's kind of too tied with everything and that he was just basically just looking for not a relationship and I was like okay well that's fine like he was like I still want to get to know you on that kind of level and still want to keep on hanging out what was that kind of what is that kind of level what's that mean I think just, like hanging out, like that's what the confusing part is, was whenever

I actually took a trip like a week ago to just like kind of clear my head and just get away from like the city for a few days. And he reached out and was like, my mom's in town and I'd like to see you next week or something. So that was like the confusing part. What'd you say? I said, yeah, I would love to, because like, I do want to get to know him, but like,

I'm also kind of scared because he has mentioned that like he doesn't want to commit to not hooking up with other people either. Okay. So what are you going to do? That's a good question. Like, I still want to hang out with them, but like, I don't want to be, like, pressured to because I feel like that's where he's coming from is, like, I'll ask him to hang out because I'm pretty upfront whenever, like, I like somebody.

Like, I don't care to, like, ask to hang out with him. Like, I will reach out and be like, hey, do you want to hang out or something? But I think he thought that was being too pushy and thinking that, like, I wanted a committed relationship. Do you think wanting to be in a committed relationship is being pushy? Oh, I think it's coming off to him as that way. You're assuming? Yes. Even if it was, does that, you know, even if he assumed, if he even accuses you of being pushy, do you think that means you're pushy i don't think so

because i've just kind of stated that like i wanted to hang out with him but coming from his sense like it's not like i've like texted him like every single day like i'll like wait a few days and be like hey like what's up or like just ask like how his day is going so it seems like you're spending a lot of time thinking about like how he's interpreting everything and yeah kind of overthinking that but like I know that like he is constantly probably always busy too so I don't want to like overwhelm him because like I would eventually like a relationship with him if that's possible but I don't want him to like think I'm pushing though I guess yeah well I don't know if it's

possible or not, but it definitely won't be possible if you follow the path that you're on. You know, I don't know how much you've listened to this podcast and the advice that I give. And a lot of the advice I'm going to give you is probably similar to, you know, some of the other stuff I've said before.

But, you know, right now, like you've had sex with him? Yeah, we've hung out like a few times and like hooked up twice. Yeah. So, you know, whether it's, you know, a lot of, we've had a lot of discussions about, you know, the emotional connection that women tend to immediately feel via sex more than men, right? And so because you hooked up right away and that's totally fine, you might feel a little bit more vulnerable or connected to him because of the sex than he feels connected with you

because of the sex. Just talking about the sex part. What are the things that you do like so far about him? Let's figure out like why, if, let's figure out if you should really want to date this guy. Like, what do you like about him? I think I like that he just like has all of his stuff together and that's like something that like attracts me and he's pretty yeah he does well i i guess like if he does doesn't i mean so far i didn't he is working on

it i guess but like he's very like he doesn't yeah true but he is accomplished like in like our industry which is kind of like what's your industry music okay so um is he a musician he's not he was a photographer before so and what does he know he's a realtor oh he's in real estate he's like kind of getting his foot in the back door he's like really funny like also like i'm really attracted towards him and i feel like that doesn't like happen with me a lot though too either as crazy as it sounds sure but so he's charismatic he's funny he's good looking and that's all nice but it sounds like you i guess what i'm saying is you know you hooked up with him you probably feel this connection with him

uh he's good looking he's funny he's charismatic that's all great but we don't really know how he is in a relationship and how he deals with problems how he deals with his anger how he communicates right yeah whether he is able to commit these are all like actual things you know in terms of like wanting to be in a relationship it's cool that like the fact that you want to get to know him more is totally reasonable right because well you like some of these kind of high level things that you hope that you'll like the rest of it the path that you're on is you know again setting this expectation that you are going to accept less than what he wants like you need to set boundaries early on right you can't be completely operating on his pace right like you guys aren't dating you know you hooked up a couple times you're both consenting adults that's

fine he's been up front with you about what he doesn't want so good for him actually right like other guys might you know um not leading on pretend they have feelings and i i have no problem with what he's doing at this point uh you just have to be careful about what you're doing and what you you need to make sure if you're going to continue to hang out with him is to establish certain boundaries for yourself and for him and you need to figure out what you want to get out of this and be clear about that to him whatever that is right so like what are you willing to do and what are you willing not to do when you involve him in your life and you should have a little bit of both and you should be able to articulate that to him so like what are like what do you you want to get to know him right

yeah so i think it's just been because we've only hung out for like a month or so but we did have mutual friends together but they weren't like our close friends they were more his friends than mine so i do like want to get to know him and just like keep on hanging out with him but also like being said i don't know like how to kind of like ask i guess if he'll ask because like whenever i left him alone for like a week then he was like hey like let's hang out because i don't want to bother him while he's at work or if he's like with his parents or something yeah i don't i think you need to stop worrying about bothering him yeah if he like this is a guy that you've had sex with that you like and hope likes you so if you're worried so much

about bothering someone that's you know if you really think that you could be bothering them then you know your answer is that's your answer it's like yeah he doesn't like you and that would be okay if he didn't like you so like like this guy is going to be attracted to a woman who is unafraid that she's bothering him. This guy is going, you know what I'm saying? You have to become this person that I'm certain he's looking for. And it's not going to be the girl or woman

who's just like, I'm here whenever you want to be here. And I don't want to bother you sorry you know stop like never apologize to this guy for anything other than like actually doing some shit like if you punch him in the face say you're sorry if you lie cheat or steal apologize like if you wonder if you're inconveniencing him, don't apologize for things that you're not even sure if you did or just in case, you know, like, well, I don't know, maybe I'm sorry I reached out again. Like how do you, maybe he wanted you to, you should assume he wants to hear from you. What a crazy world we live in. and sometimes the world can get us down and affect our mental health,

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Like I don't have a problem at the beginning. And then once he like said that, like, he's like, I'm really not looking for a relationship now. That's when I kind of backed off. Yeah. And you need to figure out back to what I said before. Yeah. You need to start setting some boundaries.

If for no other reason, then he can't feel like he's calling all the shots. He can't. He should not be so confident that he can disappear for a week or two weeks and call you up and have you be like, sure, I'm available to hang out. It cannot be all in his terms. Unfortunately, if you want to keep pursuing this relationship, despite you really being excited about this guy and hoping to spend more time with him, it's going to involve some game playing on your part. And that's where it can get messy. Right? Like what I personally, what I think you should do is simply to say, I am looking for a relationship. I want to, you know, you seem like, you know you seem like you know you're

and you say the facts right and the facts are this is what i like about you you know you're charming you're good looking we have great sex or whatever but there's a lot i don't know about you you know maybe you're an asshole you know maybe you aren't like established you know you're in your mid-30s and you're still figuring out life, which is totally fine by the way, but it'll annoy him, you know? And so he is not worried about you liking him. You know what I'm saying? Like he feels like he has all the confidence and the truth is he should wonder if he wants you to like him, which most people want people to like us. He has no reason to be this confident about your interest in feeling towards him because despite him being charming, good looking, and maybe good in bed,

there's so much you don't know about him. He has annoying bad habits. He has shortcomings. He has insecurities. We don't know what they are, but I guarantee you he has them. And so I feel like that's what I kind of need to learn about him too. Like, I don't know if it's just taking more time to like, yeah. So imagine you sitting down with him really calmly and saying again, what you want. I want to get to know you. This is what I like. But the truth is the reason why I want to get to know you is because there's so much I don't know about you. I want to know what you're insecure about. I want to know, you know, what, what are your bad habits? I want to know what you're insecure about. I want to know what are your bad

habits. I want to figure out whether you really have it figured out or you're someone who's worth my time. But if you don't, I just want to make it clear I'm looking for a relationship. So often, we are so afraid to say what we want because we're afraid of the other person disappointing us, but it's the very thing that's going to attract those people to you because this guy is going to want he's going to be attracted to a woman who is unapologetic about her interest in him is unapologetic about she being too busy for his bullshit whatever that bullshit might be and that bullshit could be disappearing for a week and and and reaching out and saying do i want to see a movie which technically he's not really doing anything wrong but you are still operating on his schedule he has you know he shouldn't be this confident in your interest in him and it sounds like he's

pretty confident sounds like he can he has he's not worried about you being like yeah i'm down to hang out yeah i feel like that's like something that like also attracts me to him which i feel like anybody like his confidence too is just like really high yeah like that's like something that like also attracts me to him, which I feel like anybody like his confidence too is just like really high. Yeah. Like that's like how I kind of matched it. Like our first like few dates. And then like once he like kind of, that's the reason pretty much after he said that.

Yeah. And it's great that he's confident. Right. So you just got to match his confidence. Right. Also you have to point out, don't, don't like nag him as they say,

and don't point out things that aren't true right but just acknowledge the truth is that like he has insecurities and shortcomings and bad habits and you need to point out that you want to figure out what those are because you know they exist but i i i think you need to he needs to also be aware of the boundaries that you set. And maybe that is just by being too busy the next time he reaches out. And like, you know, you should honestly, if we're going to play a game here, you should not be available for the next,

at least two, probably three times. And then if he's this, and you're like, you're just like, oh no, I'm sorry. I'm just, I got something going on. I have plans. Just say, be real vague and say you have plans on i have plans to say a plan be real vague and say you have plans have plans that this one's a great idea uh don't say you know you don't have to say you have a date to say you have plans and if he's like if he digs for more you can

you can tell him what those plans are maybe you know even if you don't have plans just to have plans i just let me make up some plans i'm hanging out with a friend i'm going to a movie yeah you know i got a date and when he pries for more information oh my god it would be so like you'll drive him nuts when you're like hey it's totally cool i know like you're not looking for a relationship but like i i don't feel like i need to answer your question and don't say it like you're mad or snotty. Just be so like cool about it. Be like, I just don't like, we're not dating. So like, you know, I don't even know if we're friends.

Like we're cool and we're totally hanging out. But like, you know, I just have plans. Yeah, that makes sense. So just like kind of. And do it over text too sometimes because it's like easier to play it chill. Don't respond right away. Things like that.

But listen, another thing is like set a timeline for this. Like not six months or 12 months. You know what I'm saying? Like the truth is, is there's going to be no difference between six months from now or 12 months from now other than him just deciding you are worth it to give up the freedom to have sex with other people he considers you an option right now and that's that's that's okay to a certain extent right he doesn't really know you he's already had sex with you so there's a little bit of like the mystery is not there and that's totally fine no judgment but you can you can definitely get him you can you can definitely get that mystery back

by confusing him and being not as predictable because right now you're very predictable to him yeah i feel that i don't maybe just like kind of wait like a like another month or two and just kind of see where it is i guess like after like the whole thing yes you need to be if two months tops and within those two months you have you should have put yourself out there you should have said as you hang out with them casually and say no a lot you know um like stop having sex with them for sure be like we had sex and it's cool but like you know i'm not looking for a friend with benefits. Like, no,

like I'm glad we had sacks. It was awesome. Congratulations. You're good in bed. But like, let's, I mean, I don't need to like a fuck buddy yet,

but we can go to the movies and have dinner. I'd love someone to have a nice conversation and meal of food with, you know? And when you keep saying it so chill about the things that you want and the things that you don't want, it's going to drive him. He's going to fucking love that. Stop apolog stop saying i'm sorry stop wondering if he likes you stop wondering if he's annoyed by you stop wondering if you're bothering him all those internal thoughts will push him away and make him feel like you're just not up to the challenge of

his confidence that makes sense i feel like that's it's a good idea though yeah and also just tell yourself like the truth is that charming good-looking confident doesn't mean great boyfriend doesn't mean that you're gonna fall in love with them doesn't mean there's not other people out there just because he's the first charming good good looking guy you've ran into in the next past year or two. Like, so what? Right. And sometimes charming, good looking, confident is, you know, overrated to a certain extent. Yeah. I guess that.

Have fun with this. You know what I'm saying? Like challenge yourself to be like, if you pull this off, whether you end up dating him or not, right. You're going to feel real good about yourself. Like if you play the same game that he's playing with you, you're going to feel real good about yourself. Whenever he like reached out the last time, I was like, I thought we weren't even talking.

Like I was literally, I was like, are you sure that it was you? Because I was like, I couldn't believe that he reached out after a week and like i guess because i wasn't there yeah and don't ask questions stop asking him questions are you sure about this what do you mean by that only only say what you want or and only say what you're doing stop asking him questions if you say if you want to like define a situation don't ask him what he thinks. Say what you want. Yeah. You know, yeah, this guy, every time you ask him a question, it makes him feel more empowered. More in charge.

Yes, more in charge. So you stop asking him questions and you stop, you know, sure, I'm available or no, I'm not available. Let make him start asking questions. Don't offer information he doesn't ask. Right. Are you free tonight? No, I'm available or no, I'm not available. Let make him start asking questions. Don't offer information he doesn't ask, right? Are you free tonight? No, I'm sorry. I'm not. Make him ask, what do you have going on?

Oh, I have plans with a friend. What friend? You know, then he starts asking too many questions. Just be like, I don't, I mean, don't worry about it. These sound like boyfriend questions and it's totally cool for not but like you know yeah that makes sense no more questions for this guy no only statements stop wondering how he feels about you we know how he feels about you he thinks you're nice he thinks you're good enough to hang out when he's free and he's not

and it's nothing against you he's just he's just like you're kind of just every girl in his life right now an option yeah i feel that so all right yeah all right best of luck uh like let us know i'm really curious i will i'll see in the next two months i'll reply and if it if nothing changes in two months it's not going to change yeah that's the only thing with it's like a six to twelve month line i'm like it's been a month now so i'm like who knows you got one more month of this and you gotta cut it off got it and i've said this before the only way you should then keep hanging out with him if he does a 180 and begs to be your boyfriend and it maybe he will if you pull this off but if he goes away if he goes away let him go yeah it's not worth it he's just he will fuck you up this could you know

fuck you up for a couple years just bread crumbing you hang me you know just just enough yeah he has too much power in this guy right now i feel it all right well best of luck thanks again all right take care last minute birthday gift ideas problem solved get the most intimate personal happy birthday wishes or a pep talk from your favorite public figure i'm talking snoop dogg floyd mayweather chris tucker david hasselhoff lindsey lohan and yours truly can wish you a happy birthday or give you a boost just maybe make a make your friends smile your favorite public figures, celebrities, athletes, you name it, are on Cameo and giving your friends the best graduation celebration or wedding congratulations,

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I currently live in Portland, Oregon. Moved over here from Indiana about four years ago. Great. Yeah. How can I Great. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I, um, recently about a month ago, um, went through, uh, probably my hardest breakup. We were together almost two years. Um, I had met him online, uh, through dating app, um, here in Portland and, you know, I had gone through a period before that of being single after a previous breakup and really searching hard for who I am and what I want in a partner.

And I really, you know, thought a lot about my non-negotiables and what's important to me in a relationship. And for the first time, I was like, wow, like, this guy is everything that I've been looking for. And there was just, you know, that chemistry and a lot of passion and excitement for the relationship for the first year. And we talked about a lot of hard conversations about what we want in life. And I was the happiest that I'd really ever been, you know. And then, you know, the last few months of the relationship, things started to come out, I guess, you know. And then, you know, the last few months of the relationship, things started to come out, I guess, you know, after you kind of get past that, that period of everyone sort of putting on a good front or something. So I started noticing, you know,

females a lot on his social media and messages coming through. And so I would ask him about it and say, hey, this kind of makes me uncomfortable. Who's this and who's that? And it was just like constant friends and females just always coming up. And his initial response was that he felt like it was a me issue and that I was having insecurities and that I kind of needed to get over it because he felt like I was trying to change him and who he wanted to be friends with. What were you trying to change? I was just asking for boundaries and communication.

But he was saying, in his mind, what were you trying to change? He felt like I was trying to change who he could be friends with. These are friends of his? Yeah. He describes it as long-term friends from college or previous jobs and things like that. And that he likes to stay connected with everyone in his life. And he said, if somebody pops up on a social media and he hasn't heard from them in a while, he'll message them no matter who they are. But I just, at first i kind of let it go because you know like did he and i mean i guess

i don't know go ahead go ahead yeah i mean basically you know it just became a lot of arguments about about it you know and then he kind of started to pull away and shut off and then you know back in january we went up to se Seattle for a trip to see some friends and we got into a huge blow up fight. And all of a sudden, he's bringing up all of these things that he feels like I was doing wrong and that I wasn't doing for him. He kept saying that I don't support him and that I don't accept him for who he is and how he likes to dress or what he like is interested in. You know, he was he was very always caught up on the fact that like i don't listen to punk rock music and i like different kinds of music and

just stupid crap like that yeah the music thing is stupid but do you just out of curiosity do you do you feel like you support him like did it did when he accused you of these things and you like thought about it, was there any validity to it whatsoever? Or did you feel like it was totally out of left field? I was really surprised when it happened. But, you know, I really try to be a nonjudgmental person and be self-reflective. And what could I improve on? So, you know, I talked to some of his close friends that we had gotten close with.

And, you know, they suggested that to try to show some interest in the things that he cares about. And really try to, you know, be there for him for things that he likes to do. Has he ever asked you to do any of these things with him? It was hard through the pandemic being limited, you you know because the things that he wanted to do i know i guess what i'm saying is like for example like i like watching football right it's something i do right now me personally i don't care if my girlfriend watches it with me it's nice if she wants to but if it were something that i would want her to do i would ask her be like you know what i know that sounds weird but like it would really mean a lot to me if from time to time you'd watch a game with me and like

i don't know i just would like that to to do these things that i enjoy with you and if there's things that you enjoy regardless if i'm like super into it or, I want to reciprocate that and do that with you. Right. Did he ever do something like that before he accused you of not liking his music? I don't think so. He was not a very good communicator. And when he would bring up the things that were an issue for him,

I would ask how, how could I do that for you? How could I do better? And he's just like, I don't know. I just feel judged by you. And I just don't feel like you care about what I like and things like that um so it would just kind of turn into arguments a lot and how long you've been dating this guy at this point well we have um since broken up because I

did find out that he cheated on me okay um and for me there's no turning back and I actually found out on my own that he cheated. So, you know, that's something, what did you, well, what did you learn from that? Like knowing that you, he was doing all this shit and saying, you don't do this and, and, and being accusatory towards you only to find out he was cheating on you. Like, what's your takeaway from that? Like, I mean, that is kind of one of the questions that I was thinking about coming in for you of, like, how could I have really not exactly seen it coming? You know, what could I have been paying attention to better or do differently next time, you know? I mean, nothing really maybe, right?

Like, you being cheated on is not something you're supposed to get better at. You know what I'm like? Like, you know, like, I'm a professional not getting cheated on in person. you're supposed to get better at. You know what I'm like? Understand, like, you know, like I'm a professional not getting cheated on person. There's no such thing. You know, anyone's capable of being cheated on, right? Like, unfortunately, people lie, manipulate, you know, and sometimes, unfortunately, they can be very good at it. And because you are, you know, the hard part about cheating and being in relationship is

that, you know, like you want to trust your partner. Like, you know, when I was cheated on, you know, way back when, and it was really, you know, in the moment hard for me, but ended up being a really positive moment. I remember all my friends were being like, dude, she's cheating. Like everyone knows, man, like she's cheating on you. But I wanted to believe the person i was in a relationship with that's the fucked up part right you're supposed to believe your partner your girlfriend your husband your boyfriend above all else right you're you want to believe not only do you not want to feel stupid you want to give them the trust that you say you're going to give

them in a relationship and that sucks right right? And that's what hurts so much because it's such a violation of your trust that you were so willing to give because really you kind of have to choose to trust because otherwise you're just a cynical, jaded person if you are gonna constantly question like your next boyfriend or people in your life. Like that's the tough part about love.

So the only you can do to remedy that is is not beat yourself up when you when it does happen right like you weren't going to see it come why should you see it coming i mean do you really is that how you want to be in your next relationship i'm guessing not to like be looking at all the things being wondering like could it be cheating here i mean anyone can cheat at any time you know he could go to work if he's really a shitty person and you could like hit on his co-worker and sneak into the bathroom and get a quickie you know that'd be crazy and be nuts but it's like possible like how do you see that coming yeah he actually cheated while he was at work it was through social media and so i found out because he left his apple watch at home and when i I confronted him about it, I asked him if he was planning on

telling me and he said, well, honestly, I was going to keep it to myself and, and live with the guilt or something. And so it's like, dude, how long have you been doing stuff? Like without telling me, that's the only thing that's a takeaway here is that, you know, like, you know, when you were telling this story and the question was, is he gaslighting you or is it, does he have valid complaints? Right. Because there are people in relationships who aren't supported by their partners, right. Who, who, you know, you can be in a relationship and your girlfriend or boyfriend's constantly just nagging at you, just pointing things out that they don't like and failing to compliment you or like, Oh, we have to do your

thing again, that that happens. Right. And if, if it does happen, the partner would be like, hey, you know what? Honestly, you don't make me feel supported. That's a potentially valid complaint, right? But for you, you were just like, wait, what am I, huh? Like, I've never given you a reason to think that I wouldn't do something that you wanted me to. You just never asked. I don't pick on you. I don't nag at you. I don't criticize you. So when people, when, when, if you're dating someone and they start accusing you of things that you know you haven't done and you are so willing to try to fix it, but they just keep accusing you of shit, that's a huge red flag, right? Because that, that is gaslighting, right? That's exactly what's happened.

So that's what you can take away from this, right? And that's something that is very easy once you are aware of it to point out next time. So just assume you can trust your next person you date, assume they won't cheat on you, even though you've been cheated on. But the moment they do that, your red flag should go way up, right?

You should stand your ground and being like, I know I am not guilty of the things you're accusing me of. How can I know that you want me to do this? You've never asked, right? The times that I watched motocross, supercross races with him was like every single week. I was not a fan of that before. So stand your ground. You knew that you were willing to do that. races with him was like every single week and i was not a fan of that before and you know stand your ground you knew that you you knew that you were willing to do that so like in fact that should give you relief that you like those are the signs and they're very clear you know like i remember

when i was getting cheated on she had like you know come home at four in the morning after bar time was at two and i'd be like you know i don't know she's got friends you know but after a while you're just like that's kind of fucked up you know like i'm not here to tell you i'm not here to give you a curfew but like every time you come home real fucking late you know and it's just like that seems to be a red flag you know so for me it was just you know and you know what my next girlfriend didn't do she wouldn't go out with her friends and come home at 5 30 in the morning you know on a consistent basis and if it happened one time i wouldn't lose my shit over it because like once in a while we like to party right yeah the interesting thing about him is we didn't have any of those really obvious signs like that you know he was very good at no no no fluffing me up and saying the right thing hold on hold on yeah we just we just spent like two minutes i mean there wasn't obvious you don't dismiss that

because that's what you people you know there he was giving you very clear signs that something was up yeah and his way of of of getting away with it was making you feel guilty putting you on the fence making you were spending so much energy focusing on how you could do things better or what you were doing wrong. You weren't paying attention, which I'm sure were a bunch of other signs of him cheating. Right. Yeah. And so that and don't go don't waste any energy going back and wondering what those signs were because they were small and who knows. And again, you don't want to be a cynic. But this was so obvious. It was something you spent so much energy on as figuring out what you were doing wrong, even though deep down you knew you weren't doing it. In fact, you were doing the opposite. You

were doing the very things he was accusing you of not doing. And you know, you're not crazy and you know, you're sane and you know, you're, you're willing to work on relationships. So next time that happens, those flags go off and you say whoa time out you know yeah and you know and on my side of it i kept asking for basic things from him basic communication basic just showing up and being present and i couldn't even get the basics out so next time that happens and the relationship next time you are doing this work don, don't like find someone who will like, don't try to get him to do the things that he won't do. Like, these are basic things. Like you said, these are like important things. This relationship is still pretty new and you're being accused of things

you're not doing. You are, you know what I'm saying? Like, that's pretty crazy. And yet you were just like, Oh no, like, it's not a not a big deal like i'll i'll get him to understand now i want to prove to him that i am no i'm doing these things and i and you wanted credit for the things that you were doing even though you were being accused of not but like know that it's nuts take a time out and say that's not okay and like it's like he wanted to have his cake and eat it too that's what i I like in the end. Yeah. Yeah.

Just by the fact that he was going to hide it and stay with me. Yeah, but don't beat yourself up over all that shit. Again, it's very easy to judge ourselves when we get cheated on. We feel vulnerable, stupid, misled. We feel a bunch of things. It's all on him, right? The only thing you can be slightly mad about yourself is that you questioned your judgment when you knew that you were doing nothing wrong. You didn't trust your gut when you were being gaslit for something

you knew you weren't doing. So that you can be, that you can critique, that you can change because next time it happens, you're going to trust your gut and you're not going to let someone, you know, it would, it's like, what's the difference between like, you know, you didn't shoplift or like take the money out of the cash register. And if someone accused you of that, you wouldn't wonder like, did I take that money? Like, did I? Well, I mean, I don't, I'm pretty sure I didn't, you know, like, but take that money like did i well i mean i don't i'm pretty sure i didn't you know like but that's what you did in this relationship you started wondering if you did something you clearly didn't do you'd be like i didn't fucking do that i wasn't like i wasn't even by the counter like i i walked past your mannequin i stepped in and i saw that was

like it wasn't my size and I fucking left. You're insane. Yeah, exactly. But yet you spent all this time being like, I don't know, maybe I can teleport. I didn't even realize. Did I black out? Was I drunk? I don't know. Yeah, for sure.

So I am turning 30 in two weeks. Actually, two weeks from today. so I am turning 30 in two weeks actually two weeks from from today so you know I listened to your your episode um about from the the actor of 13 going on 30 um and that was really insightful about how really trying not to let numbers in society kind of make you feel like shit you know but there is still that weight around it for me of like crap my life is not where I thought it was going to be when I'm turning 30 like where how can i really almost it's never go from here when you turn 40 it probably won't be what you thought it was going to be either yeah you know uh when you're 50 40 is going to feel really young you know when you're 70 you'll be like god i wish i was 60 again

so true yeah i get it right and i understand that as women the biological clock thing is a is a real thing if you haven't had kids yet and you still want kids and i under i understand that can be something that can be stressful and i i don't i can't relate but like you still are only turning 30 and and you can find the love of your life tomorrow and you could find it three years from now and, and, and still have kids. Right. And so minus the biological clock thing.

Yeah. I mean, like be thankful what you learned from this, right. Instead of beating yourself up about like, Oh, I can't believe I trusted this guy. Just be like,

I'm never going to do that again. And what a weight off my shoulders. Like you have basically, you now have a weapon in your arsenal shoulders like you have basically you now have a weapon in your arsenal like you have this knowledge uh and the self-awareness to not fall for that shit anymore and that's such that's a great feeling you know it's such a great feeling to learn something and then to apply it later on you know such a it's gonna be you're gonna get you're gonna get such a rush next time you date someone who like tries to gaslight you and you're just like, nah, no, no. And it's going to feel very

powerful and that's great. Right. So, you know, you just apply what you learn and you're turning 30 and that's awesome. And, and just go out there and keep smiling and where, you know, being positive about the things that you're, you know, and, and just do your thing, you know, and the more times you talk about what you are proud of yourself of to people around you, the more attractive you're going to be to people, you know, have your group of friends that you vent to, you know, when you're down and your mom or your whoever it is, your coworker, but keep that small right um don't vent and don't project you know next time you go on a date don't be like i was cheated on you know like if he asks at some point sure but don't lead with it make sure they ask and

don't be like don't gaslight me and you know you you those are those are things that you've learned and that's part of your arsenal and don't honestly don't let them know your bag of tricks now, all the things, all the knowledge you have. So you turning 30 is great because look at all the things that you've learned and now that you can apply going forward. You are far more equipped than you were when you were 22. Yeah, it's all about switching the perspective and making sure that I'm not ignoring red flags.

I have talked to a couple guys recently, and there was one that we hit it off really well at first. And you know, he started to get a little spotty and shady with like his texting. And we had scheduled to meet up a couple of times. And then he kind of bailed on me. But then he kept saying, I'm so sorry, you don't deserve this. You're such a a great person i've been wanting to hang out if a guy says you don't deserve this ever you just simply say you're right and then end communication yeah i mean i pretty much told him i said um you've been really shady what's up with that because what i expect from my partner or someone that I'm interested in

is clear communication and follow through with what you say you're going to do and not leave me hanging. And I haven't heard from him since. Yeah. Great. And that's a good thing. That's not a bad thing, you know, because when a guy says, oh, you don't deserve this, he wants you to be like, no, it's not. You're right. I don't. But like, I understand you're right i don't but like i understand like i don't know i understand whatever it is he wants you understand and he wants you to like it's just it's it's just a nice it's like a manipulative way to be like but you don't deserve this but can you please keep putting up with it that's what they're asking when they say you don't deserve this what they're really saying is please keep putting up with my bullshit yeah and i don't

have to so anytime i got anytime a guy says you don't deserve this immediately just say you're right and then end the conversation just and you're right like what will most likely happen is most of the time they will leave because you know there's none in you and that's fine. And maybe it might wake a guy up. But if he does, he needs to really do all the things that you do deserve. And you have to have a very short leash. So you're learning a lot. This is great. Trust your gut and be thankful about the things that you've learned

through these difficult times because that's all we can really do. And eventually you'll find the right guy yeah for sure just be patient yeah it's just yeah it doesn't say it's hard to be patient it is but it doesn't do you any good being like oh i have what you know everyone feels like it's they're unlucky in love there's something wrong there's something wrong with all of us a and we're just trying to find the right person to put up with our bullshit so like that's why it's hard and and that's why it takes time and it doesn't do you any good feeling sorry for yourself for things that all these other people are going through as well right so just go out there and and and keep having confidence and that confidence will help

attract the right people and in the meantime you're gonna have to throw out a lot of trash you know but it gets annoying but like it's something we all have to do yeah i like that that's good all right well thank you so much all right best of luck thanks everyone bye-bye how's it going so good how are you good what's your name my name is jessica and i'm 34 how can i help jessica so i am in a messy situation messy situation um so i met a man back in september um the way that we met was like incredibly organic and really coincidental. And I mean, part of these details, like, I feel like I'm hanging on to like, like these have to mean something, like meeting him has to mean something.

And I feel like I'm not being logical about it just because like, it doesn't mean anything, but continue. So it doesn't, it doesn't, but like to me it does. So like just the emotional aspect of it. But anyway, so I meet this man in September, everything is going fantastic. Like, like we're talking every day. Things are moving pretty quickly. Like we seem very serious about each other. We are having all the right conversations. You know, we really like our lives really align in so many ways. Um, and we have a really, really great few months. And then I go on this like girls trip in December and I come back and everything has changed.

Okay. He starts pulling away from me. He starts like the communication it's daily still, but it's staled. So it's not like I hear from him every day, but it's not anything at the level that it was. What were the things that were lining up before you went on your girls trip? Our lives are very similar. We both have children. Neither of us have been married. None of neither of us want more kids. We are both very busy in our careers. We have schedules and, you know, but like respect each other's time. Same morals, same like hardworking attitude, like stuff that's really important to me. So things that I want in a partner going forward, you know, knowing that like dating can be kind of bullshit and like, I don't, neither of bullshit and like i don't neither of us

wanted to play games neither of us wanted that we're just we'd come to the conclusion that like this is really really good if at any point it's not working let's just be honest with each other okay that's not working all right uh i mean it's good to have like certain like non-negotiable like the fact that you don't want kids and have kids and he's on the same page is that is that is a big deal and that's great to find that there's so many other things that might mean he's not your guy right because that is good and then the second note i have on what you just said is like everyone says they don't like to play games and you're about to tell me the games he started playing but go ahead continue i am all right so i think that like going into the situation i'm an incredibly

upfront, honest, logical person. Like I have ended plenty of like, not plenty, but like anytime I've ever dated somebody, the second for me, it doesn't work. I'm like, Hey, you know what? Let's just cut this off. I'm good. Like this just isn't vibing for me anymore. We went to Nashville. I get back from Nashville. He had kept my car in his garage while I was gone. And then like, I had to go get it and everything, like the vibe was completely different. And I'm just like, okay, well, this is kind of weird, but maybe he's having an off day and off day turns into an off week. And then an off week turns into like an off couple of weeks. And then I start hearing that like, he's telling his friends that like, oh, we're not really talking anymore. Did you address like after the first three?

I did. I got the, I'm busy. I'm just, I've just been really busy. Nothing happened. I've just been really busy. And I go, ah, my, I just, I feel like something did happen. You can just be honest with me if something did happen while I was gone. Nope, nope. I've just been really busy. And communication the whole time I was gone was great. Okay. Talked to me every day, checked in, no big deal. But like the whole month of December, like after I got back, everything had changed. And I was just, you know, Hey, I thought we were kind of on the same page with this. I thought this is where we were going. I've met your kids. You haven't met my kids, but I've met your kids.

I've met all your friends. I've met some of your family. You know, what, what's happening here. If we're, if we're over, let's just be over. Like, I don't want to do this and drag it on. We can try to still be friends because we have the same friends group, but I mean, we don't have to do this back and forth crap. I don't need to do any of that.

Nope, nope. We're good. We're good. We're good. Then I start hearing from other people that he doesn't need much, that we're not talking, that I'm not really anything anymore. He starts acting like he's surprised when he sees me, but he's like, asked me to come somewhere and I show up and he's just like, oh yeah, I didn't know Mel was coming.

I'm like, you did. Told me to. Okay. So this is still like, we're still in December oh yeah, I didn't know Mel was coming. I'm like, you did. Told me to. Okay. So this is still like, we're still in December? Yeah, we're still in December. So then like we have- So he asked you to show up someplace, you showed up and he pretended that you just randomly showed up?

Yeah. What did you do? I mean, the rest of my friends were there. So I was just like, oh yeah, I don't know. Maybe it was miscommunication, but- What do you mean miscommunication did you have a conversation I brushed it off but I clearly want to deal with it okay you avoided the con I did absolutely okay so you avoided the obvious okay 100% avoided it I was like oh whatever so January we have a

really good week at the end of December after New Year's and everything. I finally sit down with him and I'm like, Hey, do you want to do this? Or you don't want to do this? I'm happy. I'm happy to do either, either thing. You're obviously what I want. I really care about you. Essentially what the hell is going on? Like, where's your head at in this? Why are we doing this? What is the point? He comes back to me with, obviously I am in love with you and I am terrified. This whole thing scares the shit out of me. He hadn't dated in four years. I was the first girl he's ever brought around any of his friends. I'm the first girl that's ever met his children.

And he's the same age as I am. We're the same age. And he just goes, it was too good, too fast. And I got scared and ran away. And I said, okay, what do we do now though? Like, do you want to go forward with this? Do you not want to go forward with this? Like, can you get to a place where you're not scared or what can I do to kind of ease this for you? Or like, I'm, I'm just like, I'm helper.

I'm a mom. I just, what can I do to fix this? And he just goes, you're what I want. This is what I want. Absolutely. A hundred percent. Three three days later i find out that he's like messaging another girl oh i can't wait to hang out with you i'm so excited to see you like and it was obviously a lot more than friends and i was like well how'd you find out he was messaging another girl the roommate of the girl sent me screenshots okay because i know her roommate very very well gotcha and your reaction did you avoid this issue again I said I said hey I saw that you'd been talking to this this other girl

friend of a girl that works for you what's going on with that oh that's nothing don't worry about it that's all right didn't worry about it wasn't gonna bring it up again just why did because but why did you not so good why did you not worry about it because it's easier for me to just avoid things and I should have just seen it as a red flag and i didn't want to okay all right continue

anyway so january goes really really good until the end of it we take like a friend's trip um and he'd acted like kind of weird about like we were traveling like with two groups of friends separately and and i assumed i was riding with him and his friends and he assumed i wasn't and he like blew it up into this huge thing. And so I finally said, I was like, hey, I can get there on my own. Don't worry about it. I got this.

Totally fine. I show up at the bar that we're all meeting at. He comes two hours later. Apparently his friends had said, well, where's Mel? What's Mel doing? And he goes, oh, she's probably already over there. Don't worry about it.

Pulls in, sees my car and freaks out. You didn't tell me you were here. What the hell? What's going on? Why didn't you tell me you were here? I was like, you told me to just get over here on my own. Like, I didn't realize this was going to be such a big deal. Acts like kind of an asshole the whole rest of the weekend.

Finally, Sunday night when we get back, I just went, hey, I don't love the way that this is handled. I wasn't like super upset, but I just go, I don't love the way this is handled. I think this sucks. Why would you talk to me like that? Why would you act like that in front of our friends? If we're really doing this, what, how, how can you do that? Like in front of our friends publicly, this doesn't make any sense.

You know what? I just think that you're way more into this than I am. I think that's been apparent from the beginning. I just don't like, I just don't think that this is going a place that you want. It's not going where you want it to. I don't want it to go that place anymore. I said, okay. I left, didn't fight about it, didn't argue. He didn't want it. I was walking away. Totally fine. Daily communication continues through February, through March. Wait, why? Wait, wait. Just kept talking to me. I never started Wait, wait. Just kept talking to me.

I never started a conversation once. You kept talking to him. I mean, it doesn't matter. I did. I responded, but I didn't start a conversation once. So he's driving. He's driving. So that, like, what?

Makes it better? I don't think it makes it better. It was just like, to me, it was like the interest is still there. I mean, it makes it worse, to be honest. Probably. You're just like, hey, you have all all the power i don't want any of it i'll totally respond i'm here just let me know you want to text great i'll reply you want to call great you want to apply you want to hang out great i'll apply you'll do some shitty things i'll like kind of

get mad maybe sometimes half the time i'll just avoid the conversation because like i don't know i'll just pretend it's not a big deal this This is exactly what I've been doing. So like, I mean, I don't understand like what, so where are we now? So, so in the last, this is so funny in the last two days, he has now come around to like having an incredibly vulnerable conversation with me, very long conversation about like the details of like how he feels and what he wants out of this and where we're going. And we just need to take things slow and like move at his pace, but this is what he wants. Okay. You have to move. And now I'm just, you've been moving. So did you say to him, we've been moving at your pace this entire time? I said, you've always been in control of this. We've always done what you wanted to do. I've pushed a little bit and I will take responsibility for that.

For what? Setting boundaries? You haven't pushed at all. He's definitely manipulating you. Oh, absolutely. It's breadcrumbing, if nothing else. Yeah, whatever you want to call it, right? He is accusing you of pushing him for having any expectations whatsoever.

For having some boundaries. He's not scared. Guys aren't scared. They're not for scared. Like, I'm scared means I want to fuck other people. You know, it's just such a such a clever way of being like, I'm afraid of committing. Like, I'm scared. It's just like, I don't maybe he's scared of not having sex with other women.

That's what he's scared about. That's all it is. There's no. What if so? I'm scared of not having sex with other women that's what he's scared about that's all it is there's no what if so i'm scared of what like going on a date like only having sex with one person getting a girl flowers like having her saying like don't like girls pictures on instagram that are half naked you know what is he scared of i always think it's hilarious when guys say they're scared and women fall for it do you think that he but do you think it's possible that he's like the breakup with the last girl the guys say they're horrific okay yeah you got your heart okay so like then don't hang out with me it's when you say it it sounds so simple it is simple you're complicating it or you're allowing him to i am i'm i think that i am but is like have you ever gotten your heart broken yeah. So when he's scared because he got his heart broken, like, all right, well,

stop being I'm here. I've been scared. I've been hurt before. Do you think that at this point, I can just say, hey, this has gotten really, really messy. I don't want to do this anymore. If this is how it's going to be, and there's a chance he's going to turn it around. Or is this so far gone? And I've let him manipulate me to the point that like, all the respect is gone and I can't salvage it. Yeah. I really don't think there's much hope for this situation.

How can you trust him? You know, because it just all seems he's, he's kind of covered the gamut. It's like, Oh, I'm scared, but I'm texting another girl.

It's nothing. He weirdly in a way, I don't know. Again, I don't know what you want to call it, but he'll literally ask you to hang out and then act. That's crazy. It's crazy to be like, hey, no, we should meet up and I'm going to be here. And then you meet up and he asks, he pretends that conversation didn't happen. Or when he says, oh no, this is what I want. No, there's nothing you should, you can or would do. I'm ready to go.

And then changes course and does a 180. That's,'s you know people misdiagnose people all the time but like that's some crazy shit you know and it most likely isn't anything wrong with him like you know mentally he just right he's just he's just being immature and manipulative, and you are allowing it. And now he is drunk with power, even if he might feel bad or whatever. Like, I don't think he's, like, in his house, like, laughing at his friends. Like, ah, this chick is just at my fingertips, and I have all the power. He's not doing that. He probably is just like, oh, I feel bad, and she's great. And, you know, he doesn't think he's manipulative or whatever but

he's very very much so and for all you know he's taking out his anger on his ex-girlfriend on you who knows i mean i don't know what would give you there's what could he do to make you feel safe and confident i mean i think just consistency if it got to be back to a place in the first two months of consistency, that's what I want. So where are we now again? So now, I mean, now we're just at this point where he's kind of laid everything out for me. He's given me that vulnerable conversation

that I've never gotten from him ever. I mean, that's not true. You got it before. You got it before. He did give me an ultimatum, but I feel like I'm to the point now where I have to make a decision of whether I want to go forward with this and try to trust him again

listen if if if this is something that's you're going to be eaten away at like sure you've wasted this much time give him one more shot i guess but like if you do that that's it it really is a last shot right you have to have a very tight leash you know any of the things he's done before that is crazy that you've avoided addressing you have to put that back in the category of fucked up shit i'm not going to put up with right and then you walk away you don't like have another conversation you just end it cold turkey you block them you you like you have to be drastic like he's been drastic for all this long and like you considering, even though he doesn't deserve it at all, I'll giving him one more chance because you really want this. It's not because he's done anything different that he said some magic thing.

You want this, you are being stubborn. You're it's somewhat childish and it's like you, you, and that's fine. We've been there. Like we want what we want. And,

and you, so like fine for your, for your own sanity, you, he's give it one more shot but like be honest with yourself and have non-negotiables about all the shit he has done that you will no longer put up with and when he does there's no conversation to have there's no like pointing it out there's no discussion that's it do you think that there is like do you think in dating there is a a positive to having lower

expectations than having higher expectations of your significant other what do you mean my expectations of him have always been very like date like dating me is your expectation of him is like me oh no my expectation of him is like this is this is how i've always explained it to him is i don't know what you've explained i'm telling you your expectation is please like me that's it it's all you want be honest with me don't fuck other girls that's i mean that's it he hasn't been honest with you he's definitely fucked other girls um and i'm sure he's he's definitely lied to you i'd go to the bank i do know that going forward, if I give him this one more chance, do I need to add to that list and say,

no, I need you to do this, this, this, and this? Well, again, I think what you really should do in this conversation is that, like I thought about what you said, and to be clear, like, I am not okay with going at your pace. I've been going at your pace for a long time. So if you really want to be with me,

then I need you to want to be with me that's it right i am i don't think i think i'm being more than reasonable right like don't fuck other girls don't lie to me and commit to me and be consistent like don't point out all the shit he did before and short of him being like you know what you're right i've done all that i own it and i i want to be with you i'm i'm ashamed i whatever you know what? You're right. I've done all that. I own it. And I want to be with you. I'm ashamed. Whatever. He has to own it all. And then maybe consider it. Because he's still going to fuck up and this isn't going to work out.

But for your own sanity, do that. But I'm pretty sure that if you set some boundaries, if you call him up today, if you get off the phone with me and you call him up and you say, like, I what you said or you sit down talk to him and and point the things out you you're not willing to put up with or that he's done he's going to push back he's going to get he's going to get defensive he's going to accuse you of shit and if he does that that should be your answer yeah i think you're right so i think you're right and i and i think i mean and i've told him a thousand times because i mean i haven't even so much as talked to another guy since i met him yeah like at like he's been all

i've wanted since i met him like that's like it's so and that's so honestly what you like about him again kind of like why i asked is like yeah it's great i know and i'm sure as a as a single mom i'm sure it's hard to find right like not only like you know there's plenty of guys who will date single moms tons millions yeah that's not the problem yeah and but you don't want kids rural population like there's not a lot of options here i understand but that's what you're obsessing over right you're obsessing over like one very specific thing that you've deemed hard to find and you are convinced to fit him into a box of everything else you're absolutely right so 100 correct you know this i'm pretty sure this guy isn't it for you

and there's so many other like i mean deal with a guy who's like might want to have kids and you have to deal with it but he like doesn't do all this other shit like this but this is so much better than you like you giving me this advice is so much better than my friends just being like oh he's such a dick okay but okay that doesn't really tell me anything what do i do well yeah well you have expectations and you stop like pretending he's great and don't let him manipulate you like trust your gut like stop avoiding things that's probably the biggest thing is like all these things that bother you don't ignore them don't push them away stop being the cool girl and just ignoring everything that's great you've created this monster i mean there's some like he is who he is and you're you didn't create a well yeah i mean you have added to it you have to take some

responsibility this is absolutely yeah it's been your fault ever since he i've enabled for sure i've allowed it to happen yeah so uh and yeah so i that's what i do i would set some hard boundaries i would point out the things that have bothered you and short of him just being like you're absolutely right i'm sorry um i'm not gonna make any excuses but i do want to be with you and I'm willing to do this. Then you have a very short leash, but most likely he's going to get defensive, point out things, start a fight, accuse you of expecting too much of him or whatever. And then it's just cold turkey walk away. The second that happens, it's got to be done. Yeah. I mean, if you ask me now, I would tell you that, but like, you're going to wonder, so you should just get, you know, prove me right. And then we don't have to wonder anymore.

Perfect. Awesome. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. All right. Best of luck. How's it going? Hi, my name is Rebecca and I'm 29. Hi, Rebecca. How can I help? How's it going? Hi, my name is Rebecca and I'm 29. Hi, Rebecca. How can I help? All right. So I've been chatting with a guy that I met on Bumble, matched on Bumble about a week and a half ago.

And conversation has been really good. We've been kind of chatting back and forth. He's really my type. We then moved over to WhatsApp and he's kind of started sending me voice notes. So he's been sending voice notes back and forth kind of every day, basically. Yeah, so like, everything's been going pretty well. But there are two kind of things I want to talk about. So the first one is, so I live in England, I live in London. Clearly, I'm not from there. I'm from Canada, I don't have a lovely British accent. But um, and he lives outside of the city. And so he had said kind of like, hey, do you want to meet up? You could come to kind of where he's from. Because I had mentioned maybe I want to buy a flat soon. And the prices are cheaper there and

stuff like that. And he was saying I could be your tour guide. But he was also like, also like I own a place you could stay over which like I'm fine with you know sex on the first date things like that but I also was a bit like I feel almost like if you go outside of the city is that kind of like a trap in a sense like how if it doesn't go well like how do you get back into the city all that kind of stuff so I don't know if I was just overthinking that or was or kind of if he was just being nice and did want to give me a tour around kind of the area. And then the second thing is I'm usually the type that like,

I don't text back very like right away. I'm never that I kind of, I'm busy. I have all that kind of stuff going on in my life, but it feels like it's been very back and forth a lot. And then he was like let's meet up and we had made plans and then at the last minute he like a couple days before he was like oh sorry I'm getting my kitchen installed and I have to be there for the weekend so we can't do that anymore um and then once after he kind of said that and I was like okay maybe we could and he

said do you want to meet up another day then he kind of messaged and said yes but then didn't message for two days straight and I don't know if I'm again just thinking too much into it because we've been chatting so much back and forth and I'm like a day two days what's that or if it's now like he's ghosting me so yeah that's all of it okay have you met him in No, because we were supposed to meet this weekend, and then he bailed because of kitchen install. It magically just popped in? He said his uncle's a builder, and he got a deal on it last minute,

and this is when they're going to do it. So it kind of sounds legit, but I also... Hard to say. Yeah. Yeah. 50-50, you know? You haven't heard from him. So now it's Monday know like you haven't heard from him and so now it's monday and i haven't heard from all weekend and so now i'm just like shit are you just ghosting me at

this point and i did kind of like this was the past weekend kitchen when he was but even in the past when he was set working on said kitchen you'd be sending voice notes and now it's like nothing yeah yeah i mean there's a good chance he's just cooled off on you you know he matched with someone else on a dating app that like he's a little bit more interested in than you i don't know yeah that's kind of like the bullshit thing right like i feel like it's with dating apps right there's just so much out there sure yeah but you can't let that discourage you about dating apps i mean there are a lot of down things about dating apps like i got a yesterday on my questions with nick on instagram someone like how do i meet guys and not on dating apps you know and i think my answer was something like,

I'll give you some options, like wear a t shirt says I'm single and looking to meet people have the courage to like walk up to guys you think are cute in public and say hi, or hope that an extroverted guy who you're compatible with, you know, walks up to you in public, but like, it's hard to do, right? And so dating apps give you a ton of access. And even for like people who are shy or introverted, like, it's not that hard to do, right? And so dating apps give you a ton of access. And even for like people who are shy or introverted, like it's not that hard to like, once you've matched with someone to be like, oh, this person like likes me.

And so now I feel more comfortable to text. And the downside of that is people don't know how to limit their own options on dating apps. And so you talk to one person and you invest them for a week and a half and all of a sudden they match with someone else. You're just like, huh, you know, yeah. Does it suck? Let's assume, let's assume for argument's sake that he's, you know, cooled off on you. He matched with someone else.

At least he's not like, at least actually I would argue that maybe he's doing the right thing. You know, yeah, you could communicate better, but what is he supposed to say right away? And like, maybe he's not sure, you know know who knows what's going on right let's just say you know he is well i do think people need to get better at limiting their options on dating apps like you it's how can you be carrying on five different conversations with a bunch of like girls or men that you're interested in hard to do like you have the right to do that because you're single and you're out there and you're dating but but how can you keep track of all of them? And people really have a hard time policing their own actions

in a dating app situation. We're all guilty of this. And so, yes, dating apps are messy and you're going to have a lot of situations like this, but you just kind of have to suck it up and deal with it because the alternative also has its challenges yeah for sure particularly with covid yeah right exactly going out to many bars exactly even when you do there's a lot of people you might be compatible with that like you're just all too shy to say hi to each other and maybe alcohol is involved and

you don't really get a good read on someone's personality. A bunch of reasons, again, while we know it can be challenging. So as far as this particular guy, what do you do? See if he reaches out. Maybe throw a note out there. And don't force it, right? You already have a question of maybe he's cooled off on you and it's possible. So basically, don't say anything. Just let him reach out.

Don't say anything. If by tomorrow you don't hear from him, you can let him know you still exist, but do the minimum. Just let him know you exist and just see if the conversation comes up, but don't try to force the conversation. Don't be difficult.

Don't be standoffish. Just try, if you can, to be the same person you were before when you had the confidence that he was interested in you and see if he does the same thing he used to do right and if not didn't let it let it let it go yeah that sucks because you get invested right like so back and forth and it's like okay because i do try and limit my options of like chalk it up to a fun experience it still was enjoyable when

you had it yeah right it was still something to do. And you have no idea whether you would have fallen in love with this guy or not. But right now, you're thinking it sucks because he cooled off on you potentially and you didn't cool off on him. But you have no idea whether had you met him in person, you could have easily cooled off on him. no idea whether had you met him in person you could have easily cooled off on him right yeah yeah what do you think about the medium person thing where he was like come to his town which is kind of like i've given this advice to uh friends of mine you know like long distance relationship it's often often guys will be like yeah come visit yeah come visit me you can stay you can stay with me right yeah and that's fine like it doesn't make

him creepy and yes because but it's safe to bet as a woman you should assume that like he might be hoping there's sex involved right just like yeah that doesn't mean he doesn't mean he's uh he should get it right and i think most most guys are are respectful and and fine but I think to set boundaries what you should always do is to pony up a couple hundred bucks whatever it costs to get your own hotel room and get your own hotel room right and he doesn't yeah I feel like I've heard you say this before yeah and just do that and hang out with him and and just say listen let's it's great but i would rather i'd feel comfortable it has nothing to do with you and just let him know that you have

the option to like go to your own room and the first night go to your own room and just do that and and let him know no matter how funny and how charming he is that you know how to sit you know like it's it's not going to happen. And then like the second night, if you feel more comfortable having fun, then do it. But at least like you're set those kind of, you're not,

you're not a foregone conclusion of like, yeah, she's going to come over and, and we'll have some drinks and like, you know, we'll just have sex. Cause I'm there. Yeah.

Cause that actually brings up a good point. Like, what do you think about like when you talk to someone on a dating app and they like start like sexting beforehand like for me like i think i feel like that's all there that's that's their focus yeah we've talked about it right like if they lead with sexting when you know nothing about each other then that's the priority for them yeah they're like sexing great with someone you're comfortable with, but, like, right off the bat, it's like, oh, okay. And listen, some relationships, some great relationships start

because you're just so goddamn horny for each other. Like, that's fine. But other things need to evolve, right? Yeah, yeah. And, you know, just because a guy is super into you doesn't mean he's a total liability. But, like, it is a red flag. It is something to be mindful of. And it's something to not pretend that that's not a huge priority for him early on.

And because he hasn't met you, you know, it's harder for him to get to know some of these other things he might learn if you do like it's you know dating apps are a visual platform so the visual aspect of like the attraction is going to be overweighted versus other aspects until you like spend actual time together and so to some degrees it's normal but you just again have to get better at policing yourself and and and knowing when other people have a a focus and just being aware that's something to pay attention to that red flags are things to pay attention to not necessarily things reasons to immediately leave a situation totally i feel like it's yeah because like for this guy like we you know we talked about like what are you on here for and like or you know why are you know the classic

why are you still single etc etc he was saying like oh i'm looking for a relationship like so many people around here just looking for sex and then he did like start sexting a little bit and i kind of was like i feel like this is so like mixed signals here like saying you want this but then you know sexting as well so weird but yeah sounds like he's confused most people are like listen people often ask like why are you good at this or how do you give relationship advice and i base all of the people who call on the assumption is like if your actions don't match your words then you're most likely lying to yourself and i'm not talking about like major like things like it's i want to lose weight okay great and then you're like hey do you want to get ice cream later you know again totally fine we do this all the time we do this a hundred

times a day but like it's easy to say you want something and much harder to like follow through with those things and if you don't follow through if your actions don't make it match your words that means you don't really want it it's very easy to say and so that's a small little lie we lie to ourselves we do this all the time right so it's just something to pay attention to people call and be like this is how i feel this is what i want and i'm like no you don't because like this is what's happening or this is what they're doing right and so in a dating situation just like you're right his actions didn't match his words doesn't mean he doesn't want a relationship someday i'm sure he does it just means it might not be as a big of as a priority as he's saying it is to you right yeah because like i don't he's

a little horny guy i was gonna say every and everyone's kind of horny right now because we've all especially over here in the uk we've been like locked up for a freaking year they're like everyone's like so it's just kind of balancing that out and just being aware that someone you know their words aren't necessarily matching up with their actions and that's something to pay attention to and the more they don't match up that's more of a concern you know and so those are just little nuances of paying attention to because it we do it all the time you know yeah oh i really hate my job i want to get a different career but they never do anything about it you know like you have to

if you you know um i'm not happy but i'm not going to change anything well yeah stuff like that okay so i'll maybe reach out tomorrow if he hasn't reached out and just send a quick how's it going message otherwise i'm just gonna get back on the dating apps yeah sleeping away absolutely and and don't pine over like your lost investment i mean what did you really lose i mean you know yeah just had some nice conversations for a week yeah great and that's fun and nice and you know who knows what's going on in his life could be an actual valid excuse and maybe it's not another maybe his ex popped into his life and fucked him up a little bit you have no idea a million variables don't waste time wondering you know and if he does pop back in do you like don't bother asking what

happened just kind of move on like nothing did or i wouldn't ignore it completely i wouldn't lead with that like you have to decide whether like what he did was okay or not or whether it's just worth your time to just move on and forget it but if you do allow him back in don't ignore it but just let it maybe he brings it up you know again it's

something to pay attention to yeah makes sense all right cool thanks all right best of luck thank you all right take care can't thank you guys enough for listening i hope you guys enjoyed this episode don't forget to send in your questions at asknakedcastmedia.com cast with a k subscribe rate review tell your friends we will see you back on wed with the wonderful Molly Sampson.