The Viall Files - E270 Ask Nick - Learning To Say No

Episode Date: May 24, 2021

On today's episode of Ask Nick we start with a caller who is a virgin at 33 years old and, after experiencing trauma, is super cautious about dating. Nick helps her come to a realization about her fear of saying 'no' and how that is affecting her life. Next, we speak with someone who suffers from generalized anxiety disorder and her anxiety causes her to talk herself down in situations and makes it so she is unable to trust her instincts when it comes to dating. Our third caller just got married and her husband has 2 children with 2 different exes. She is finding it hard dealing with the emotions that comes with her new role was a step-mom and understanding the appropriate boundaries in the these relationships. Our last caller is dealing with the her first situationship; she tried to define the relationship with her guy thinking that he was going to be on the same page and, to her surprise, he was not.  “That’s a red flag if he gets weirded out by labels.” Make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  For merch please visit www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Blenders Eyewear: http://www.blenderseyewear.com enter promo code VIALLVIP for 15%  The Zebra: http://www.thezebra.com/VIALL to make insurance your smartest purchase yet.  Mint Mobile: http://www.mintmobile.com/VIALL To get your new wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, and get the plan shipped to your door for FREE.  Echelon: http://www.echelonfit.com/VIALL For a limited time only, start your 30-Day Risk Free Trial offer with Echelon’s E-X-3 bike for just one dollar. Plus, free shipping. Public Rec: http://www.publicrec.com Public Rec rarely discounts, but right now you can use our code VIALL to receive 10% off. Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Magic. It's magic. They're doing good. Wow. We're having magic moments. You just came back from Hawaii, and it's four inches of snow on the ground here for me. Do you really? Yeah, my coach is like so cold.

You're welcome. Couch? What have you guys been up to um my sister got engaged oh that's cool yeah do you like her fiance yeah they've been dating for 12 years okay so i've known him half my life so what made him finally pop the question i you know he wanted to make sure he could get her the ring she deserves, and it's gorgeous. Was it about the ring?

Well, they've also moved around. She's a doctor, so she's a senior resident, and they're all over the place. What's he do? He's a landscape architect, currently working for the city of Denver doing park design. Congratulations to the both of them. Yeah.

I can't believe it. And Nick, you and I have been doing this for a year. Oh yeah, welcome. Back, Chrissy. Thank you. It's so crazy. It's been a year already. It went by so fast. It's probably time to move on. I'm just kidding. Alright, cool. That works out great.

See ya. We have a great episode for you today uh it's amazing thank you for all our callers for call it in uh please send your questions at ask nick at cast media.com cast with a k and uh be sure to tune in wednesday for an amazing episode with the legendary Ben Folds. And God, we have such a great, one of my favorite conversations, all my conversations are favorite, but he's an intellectual

and I was nervous talking to him. It turns out we had a great time. What a guy. I have a crush on him now. Interesting, fascinating guy. Anyways, be sure to tune into that. And I think that's it. Great.

Let's get to our callers. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? It's going really good. How are you? Good. What's your name?

My name is Ginger and I am 33 years old. Hi, Ginger. How can I help? Okay. So I'm a, I was a little hesitant even saying this because I know that this is really kind of weighted. Um, so I am a 33 year old virgin and I know that that has a lot of connotations. It's oftentimes my own insecurities being projected onto other people and how they perceive that. Because I feel like when I say that people think, oh, what's wrong with her? And why is she like that? So, um, well, right off the bat, I mean, it sounds like you're just, yeah, like I said, you're just projecting. How do you know what other people think? Have you pulled everyone? Not yet, but I feel like my anxieties have, you know, pulled them for me.

And so you, I mean, like my point is you saying that right off the bat is that's what you assume people think of you and then it becomes an insecurity of yours. Right, absolutely, absolutely. So why are you a virgin? For two different reasons, I think. The first one being that I grew up... You think?

Well, I know, I know. It's you. Well, it's just my own perceptions. Right, right, right. So the first one is being that I grew up in a really conservative religious household where sex is reserved for marriage. And then that coupled with, because I did have a period of time where I left church and like, you know, had a fun time and came back.

So I'm active in that faith still. But the other part of that is that I was also sexually abused as a child and then assaulted when I was a late teen. So I have a unhealthy perception of, you know, what sexual intimacy is. And so I have a fear of saying no. So I don't even allow the opportunity for me to get in a relationship with a man. the opportunity for me to get in a relationship with a man. So that's another part of my insecurities is I have never been in what I consider a serious relationship with a man ever, because I've always avoided it at all costs, just because I'm afraid of what will happen. Should I be in a situation where I can't, where I, where like something's going on and I don't feel like I can advocate for myself to say no because that's you know what happened when I was 19 so um yeah I'm sorry I'm sorry you had to deal with that have you gone to therapy have you worked on I mean that's you you have yes yeah so I went to

therapy like four years ago and uh addressed it like I was in therapy for like a year of course there's like ongoing things that I need to check in on. But, you know, therapy gets expensive. I was in grad school. And so now I'm back in the market looking for therapists because I know that I'm trying to open myself back up to dating and to put myself out there. And I don't think that it will be a wise decision for me to do without having a therapist to bounce things off of. So I'm getting back in that market. But my main questions that I have for you are, is it possible in this dating world to date with sex off the table? And then if it is possible, is there a specific time that it would become the business of my partner that I am a virgin if

that's any of his business at all well I mean anything's possible right but like right you know I just think based on what you're telling me um you should take the therapy aspect in your own you know things that you're working on very seriously and you know i like you know money matters i get it and there's a cost associated with it but like given how much this is impacting your life right and your ability or inability to make any type of connect you're so avoidant to like anyone because of this trauma that you experienced right i would spend all your disposable income on on taking care of yourself you know we spend all this money to make ourselves feel good on clothes trips and and whatever but like you know you have this trauma and i would i

would focus on this because your question about like is it possible to like, you're essentially your question is, can I, you know, I'm going to go to therapy. Yeah. But like in the meantime, can I just get away with still like not dealing fully with my trauma and still date and, and, and build a relationship? And I mean, technically, yeah, maybe to a certain extent, but like, you're going to experience so many roadblocks, right. First, like so like is it possible? Sure. Like you have to like literally win the lottery with someone who either a shares, you know, has their own trauma. So they're just as avoidant and just as detached. So you you guys don't talk about like being intimate, which has its own problems on its own, right? So like that would be a relationship and maybe you avoid dealing with sex and talking about it, but like you clearly aren't connecting, right? Part of a relationship is sitting down and being vulnerable and sharing an intimacy, whatever that intimacy is. And intimacy can be way more than just sex, but you have this fear of saying no, so you're so detached, and I'm so sorry that

you've had to deal with that, but given how severe it is for yourself, I would put so much effort and resources, everything that I had into that, and try to nip this problem in the bud, so to speak, and take your trauma seriously, you know, and don't let it be something that allows you to be avoided anymore. And I, and I know that's probably much easier said than done. And I, and I hope I'm not sounding dismissive of, of, you know, of the trauma in any way, because it really, it's, I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. But like, in the meantime, I'm not saying, you know, like don't date, but like maybe, you know, you're back in the market

for a therapist right now. I'd focus on that, find the therapist and know that not all therapists are created equal. Right. So be, you know, like focus on finding the right therapist and that might, you might have to have conversations with two or three until you feel like you find someone that really you're responding to and and you know ask people get recommendations word of mouth and things like that and find the right therapist before you look for the right partner because until you really really deal with this trauma i i don't know if there's so many roadblocks that can happen in a relationship like as far as like other people's you know right to get this information from you if you do start dating

regardless of whenever it is like listen i've said this before like it's your business you know like just because you go on a date with someone i don't care how many dates like your personal information your experiences is yours and just because you go on 10 dates with someone doesn't mean that you're going to be with them forever so like whatever you tell them is information they're going to know about you and you have the right to your own privacy. And so you do that on your terms whenever you're ready. But dealing with this trauma and having a therapist will help you accept it

and be okay with that so you can be more vulnerable that if you do tell someone about this trauma and it doesn't work out you're not living in fear of someone knowing this truth about you and then you start judging yourself because you're afraid that they're going to tell everyone and then what does that mean about you and all these things i can only imagine that you might think about and consider and you know if you have any neuroses like i do like oh fuck i mean that's i'd be so like you know helpless so i just can't stress enough that you should really prioritize, you know, getting back in the game.

So, cause you, you almost sound a little flippant about like therapy. It's like, yeah, I'm going to do it, but like, I want to date, you know? Right. Right. And I think you really should prioritize that. So my, my concern, I guess it's not a concern, but I, you know, I did therapy before for like a year and I was kind of dating ish. But another thing that I do um is that

I won't like I'll get on dating apps and only pursue guys that live far away so that I know that like inevitably they'll you know peter out and so it's like I feel like I understand in theory the things that I should be doing or like that I'd be able to advocate for myself but putting into practice with like actual dating experience and like, I don't know, experimenting and trying out my abilities. That's what I just, I fear that I, I don't know that I won't be able to put into practice

these things that I've been, you know, meditating over. I've done mindfulness and I've done therapy. Like I plan on going back, of course. But I don't know. I'm just afraid of never stepping beyond therapy and like putting these things into practice and like really stepping into what I don't know I want to do or need to do in order to find a partner in life because

who wants to be alone? Not me. Well, you know, some people do, but I don't. I don't want to be alone. Yeah. I was just wondering, you had mentioned, you know, growing up in a religious home and kind of, you know, going out of faith and getting back into faith. If you, it might be hard to separate the two, but if you went through the therapy and, you know, really worked on yourself and, you know, your previous past was not inhibiting your sexual life, do you think that your faith would still inhibit you from wanting to sleep with someone until it was more serious or until you were married? That is a great question, one that I have been asking myself more recently. Because I was just talking to a friend how

if I hadn't had that sexual, the negative things happen with sex as a child that I think in undergrad, I would have absolutely have had sex by now. Or I would have had it then because I was, you know, exploring myself in other ways. So it was, you know, I think that, yeah. And now as a 33 year old, I'm reflecting. Well, no, I mean, I think my guess is, is like the, you know, there's plenty of people, myself included, who grew up in very religious households that were it was ingrained to you like to fear sex and be ashamed of sex and and not have sex to your marriage and i don't doubt that that's playing a role but it sounds like it's the trauma that you experience that really is this major roadblock and then the religious aspect is just

like another like it's salt it's more salt on the wound than anything and i think if you are able to help heal this wound then once you do that you will like you know again it's it's kind of simple right we all whether we you know anyone who's religious will then decide for their themselves like what compromises they're willing to make it's just like how likely is i'm gonna burn in hell or not you know what i'm saying like? Like whether you're Catholic or Christian or Buddhist or whatever, like very few people are so devout that they, you know, don't do anything that like someone or some Bible might say like, I don't know, you might burn in hell. We'll see. Right. And we struggle with that. Right. And that can play a role. And we talk a lot about this on the podcast, but most of those people, if they haven't experienced trauma,

are able to kind of figure that out for themselves and decide what they're okay with accepting and what they're not okay with. But it sounds like to me, it's just this trauma that I can only empathize and try to understand that's really stopping you. Because when you say to me, like I'm so detached and afraid of saying no

that I need to protect myself and that sounds really severe and i can yeah i mean if you're afraid to say no then you probably shouldn't date you probably shouldn't get in situations that you you might freeze up and not be able to like speak your truth and express how you really feel or say yes or no to something because that can get real messy. And so like good for you for knowing yourself well enough, but you shouldn't be so afraid to say no to anyone. That's severe. And I think you should treat it as such. Right. And that's why I'm just emphasizing, don't be flippant about therapy. Don't make it seem like, oh, you know, I know I have to do it, but like, whatever. But in the meantime, can I like, you know, like I really think you should just put a

pause on the dating and focus on it and really put all your effort into that. Really make it a huge priority. And hopefully if you find the right therapist and it might take some time, right? And then you can, you know, to your other question, dip your toes in the water and try out some of the things that you are working on. And if it, listen, and it's not, and once you start dating, it's not going to be without its ups and downs and its disappointments. And, but you just, you have to be able to say no comfortably to date.

You do. And if you can honestly say that I'm afraid to say no, then I don't think you should be dating. to say no, then I don't think you should be dating. I hate wasting money. And did you know that millions of Americans waste billions of dollars on home and car insurance every year? Well, not anymore, because the Zebra is helping you save that coin. During quarantine, I got a new house, I got a new car, and I got new insurance on both. And the Zebra helped me save some money. The Zebra is the nation's leading insurance comparison site for car and I got new insurance on both and the zebra helped me save some money. The zebra is the nation's leading insurance comparison site for car and home insurance. In minutes, you can compare policies from every major provider for free all on one independent marketplace. After a few quick questions, the zebra pairs people with the right insurance companies for them, helping everyone

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is that, again, it's a shame in me projecting my own insecurities onto others. But it's like, OK, I'm already 33. I already admitted to never having a boyfriend because I'm afraid of what could happen if I get close to somebody. And it's like, OK, what if therapy takes like two or three years? Then it does. Then you're only 36. But if you don't get therapy, I promise you, you're going to be dealing with this. And maybe you go on dating apps and start dating in the meantime. But if you can't say no, it's going to be at best just a mess. And at worst, you're going to experience more trauma. When you're 36, you're going to wish you were 33 again. And when you're 40, you're going to wish you're 36.

So like, and that's why I'm just emphasizing like the less you make it a priority the longer it will take and i don't know how long it's going to take and it should take how long it should take right and that's okay but don't be afraid of getting older you know what you should be afraid of is avoiding it not dealing with it and being 70 right yeah that's yep you know because like i get it you wish you were 23 and and dated but like that didn't work out and that's fine but 36 is fine 36 is still relatively young you can totally date and have sex and have kids and who i don't know if this is going to take three years maybe you who knows, but like just make it a real huge priority, right? Like make other sacrifices,

especially if money is in the picture to like say no to like new shirts and, and so, you know, but like, honestly, like, you know, investing yourself, you know, this is about investing in yourself and taking care of yourself and treating yourself to the, the, the, the mental health help help that you deserve and that you need. And that's okay because we've been there. So yeah, I mean, just to wrap it up, I just think I'm emphasizing this thing because to me, that's the main thing. And it's not that

it's the only thing you're dealing with. And again, you have the religious thing and you're kind of back with your church and maybe there are still things that you're addressing and dealing with. But again, if you can't say no, if you have this overall fear of saying no to whoever, then, you know, again, as people go to church and learn about what God tells them, people who can say no will even say no to their priest or their Bible or minister or their parents. And you can't say no to anything. And so you have to learn how to speak up for yourself and say no and set boundaries. And those boundaries need to be set in all aspects of your life, right? And so once you get comfortable and address your trauma and get that strength to say no to things,

then you can go back and address all the other things that you have to figure out, you know, as a human on this earth, that we all have to figure out, right? You know, like, oh, you know, I'm Catholic, and the Catholic faith still, like, it seems unclear what the Catholic Church feels about gay marriage and LBTQ matters, right? with the Catholic church feels about gay marriage and LBTQ matters, right? And I have family members who are gay and we are still Catholic and we're still, so like, how do you struggle with that? And a lot of gay people still go to church and they have to, and they still might get judged. They might even get judged by their priest or their minister. And then they have to decide for themselves and they have to say, no, I'm not going to let you judge me, but I'm still going to have a relationship with God. Right. But your fear of saying no

is allowing you to like be at peace with that decision. Right. So that's why I think you need to focus on the trauma and the fear of saying no. Right. So that you can then address some of these other things in your life that you also are struggling with. That hit deep. Cause that's also like, you know, people pleasing, you know, I'm, I say that I'm a recovering people pleaser as well. And so I think that. Well, sure. If you can't say no, then I can only imagine. I mean, to me, like as soon as you said, I have a fear of saying no, that's so like, it's, it's such a powerful thing that you can admit and good for you for admitting that because a lot of people can admit that, but you should take that very seriously. And that

should be like priority number one of how do I get to a place where I feel safe to say no and empowered and I can trust that, you know, and peel back those layers so that you can then look at the other aspects of your life, whether it's your relationship with God, your relationship with your parents, your friends, coworkers, your boss, right? So you need to be able to say no and feel confident in that decision so you can feel safe. about recently as well is that it's also like my religion is really specific about sexual sin and all that and like having to confess to a man and just thinking about having to confess a sexual sin to a man in power again like that's a trigger for me and my trauma and so it's like I avoid it as well because it's like okay well if I do decide that I'm going to have sex or any sort of sexual relations outside of marriage, if I want to be like an upholding citizen in my church, I have to confess that to a man. And that is also like gross. He should like, for me,

like with my trauma, that's also triggering. So it's like, there's so many things that are hindering me. Exactly. Right. And so, and maybe you don't, right. But you don't feel comfortable to say no to that, that expectation that your church is telling you need to do. You need, you know, you might, you might get to a place where you're like, nah,

it's fucked up. No, you know what? I can still have a relationship with God and I'm not going to feel that shame and guilt, you know? And again, this is things that so many of us have to deal with this,

this, this, this juxtaposition of, of, of wanting to have a relation with God and still feel like we're good Christians or we're good Catholics or we're good Buddhists or Muslims or whatever your faith is, right? we make these compromises and essentially we are saying no to what we're taught but still able to confidently have a relationship with god or our parents or our priests and our ministers and your inability to do that is stopping you from being at peace with all the other decisions you're trying to make make this a huge priority and and for for the time being pause like what you should do on dating apps and you know you know, when you start dating, you tell people when you're comfortable and nothing else. And that doesn't mean people might be mean or say, why didn't you tell me?

Like that's their journey and the things they have to figure out. And then you will meet a guy who is patient and kind. And then you will meet a guy who is patient and kind. And when you are ready to tell the things that are hard for you to tell, will listen and say, thanks for sharing. How can I help? Things like that. But they're not all going to do that.

And when they don't do that, it's just a sign to push them away and say, thanks for stopping by. I'm going to keep looking. All right. Well, thank you. You're welcome. Best of luck. I'm so to keep looking. All right. Yeah. Well, thank you. You're welcome. Best of luck. I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this, but like you're only 33, right?

So, you know, no, you really are. But that's the thing we do sometimes. We're like, oh, well, I'm 33. That means I have to like, you know what? I don't have enough time to deal and take care of myself. So I'm just going to like deal with where i'm at and i'm gonna like i don't have all the tools and resources so i'm just like you know i'm gonna build this house or build my life with the limited resources that i have but like no take the time you know like when they construction people like measure twice cut once kind of thing you know like

take the time to get the resources the tools the equipment the material that you need to do the job right and if it takes you a long time to get that stuff then it's still going to benefit you in the long run because if you build the house or you build the life with the lack of materials and lack of resources you're going to be like oh i'm done i'm ready the house is ready for me to move into and then all of a sudden a pipe will burst or the floor breaks and you're constantly trying to fix something you never really fully live and move in right so you know take take the time to do that and whenever you're ready to go you will still only be that age and that's fine but the sooner you make it a priority now the sooner you will you'll do the job right okay

ready right right you're right i guess i'm gonna go google some therapists after this all right good luck and again not every thought therapists are created equal like take the time to find the right therapist it's okay to say no to someone you're just like I don't feel comfortable like I don't know I don't know whatever it is but you know ask some people who they like working with

you know and yeah all right best of luck thank you so much Nick you're the best you too take care who wants to go to the gym anymore i know i don't i mean i know like things are coming to an end and you know i'm vaccinated that's great all that fun stuff but uh who still wants to go to a gym i mean like we germs well not anymore because echelon has all the equipment that you could possibly need like their amazing treadmills i have an exercise bike that i use on the regular

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Go to publicwrecks.com and use code VIALL to receive 10% off. That's publicwreck, R.com and use promo code V I A L L for 10% off. How's it going? Hey, uh, my name is Caitlin and I'm 30. Hi Caitlin. How can I help?

Hi. Uh, so, uh, basically I wrote in talking about, so I have generalized anxiety disorder. I've been in therapy for a long time. I do tend to be a chronic overthinker.

And typically that plays a big role in me dating. You know, I do tend to overthink, get pretty anxious and everything. And I think I'm at a point where I'm in a bit of a pattern where it seems like I'm dating someone and things feel like they're going well for like the first couple months. But then something shifts. Usually it's the change in communication or something just feels a little bit off. And then I will start freaking out. And then I kind of have to talk myself down a little bit and be like, oh, it's probably fine. You're probably just overthinking and being anxious. And then usually not too long after that, it ends. A lot of times, usually he is the one ending it, but sometimes I end up ending it as well after feeling like he's pulling away a bit. So I guess my main concern is I feel like my anxiety and kind of living with that and

my overthinking, I tend to maybe not trust my instincts as much as I should with dating situations, especially. So I wonder if I'm ignoring my instincts or if I should be listening to that more or if it's good for me to be kind of talking myself down out of those situations. I guess it just all depends on the situation. For our audience, are you able to describe what generalized anxiety disorder is? And is it different than like someone just being like, I get anxiety? Right. Totally. So I guess my best description, I hope I can give a good description. I'm sure someone will let us know if you don't. Yeah, I'm sure.

Please. Yeah. So I guess generalized anxiety disorders, of course, anxiety is something everyone experiences from time to time, just like any kind of feeling. But generalized anxiety disorder is basically just kind of all the time feeling anxious about things you probably realistically should not feel anxious about or don't need to feel anxious about or don't need to feel anxious about. I remember hearing a comedian once describe it as, it's like if you're in line in TSA at the

airport and all of a sudden a thought pops into your brain, what if I accidentally brought a gun in my carry-on, even though there's no way that would happen. That's how I would describe it, just panicking for no reason, sometimes in situations. So I think having lived with that for a long time, I do tend to sometimes I think write off these feelings or thoughts that come up in situations and kind of talk myself down a bit. But then I look back and think, oh, is that an indication that maybe this situation isn't right and I shouldn't be in this and I should do something about that? Or are these feelings worth communicating or is it just my anxiety? So I think that's usually the situation that I'm in with that. Sure. I mean, as far as dealing with the anxiety, you said you've mentioned you've gone to therapy.

Has that helped you? Like, I mean, like i i i don't know if i haven't been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder but the that analogy you gave i can relate to the idea of like like once i plant a seed of thought in my head i have the ability to ruminate and let it come and go down a rabbit hole uh even though when i really think about like what's playing a role in that thought there's no actual basis to actually believe that to be true like in that extreme example it's like well i don't even own a gun so good chance it's not my bag you know know, and in like a daily life situation, the things that we worry about, you know, it's one of those things of just trying to check yourself and asking yourself how likely could this happen? Because I guess anything's possible. Sure.

You know, like coincidences can happen, but they're often not coincidences kind of thing. So like, how is that? not coincidences kind of thing. So like, how is that? Have you just practiced not doing that? Or have you identified what maybe is causing this anxiety? You know, maybe like some childhood trauma? Yeah, I definitely I've been learning a lot more about attachment styles recently. So I definitely think I have an anxious attachment style. And I know that something I'm aware of that I try to work on, especially in dating and just in general in my life is I do tend to not prioritize my feelings in a situation. So I think that can also be contributing to the anxiety. If I feel like I'm leaving something unsaid and I'm talking myself out of saying it and whether or not it's the correct feeling to

have in that situation, I think I do tend to not prioritize that and say like, oh, you're overreacting. You're doing this. You shouldn't be upset about this. So I do tend to do that a lot. And I think my personality is just kind of to do that because I do tend to be a bit of a peacemaker type where I don't want to, you know, create conflict or do anything like that. And I'm actively trying to work on that and get better. And I think I am getting better. But it is something I constantly am aware of. Sure. So can you give me an example of a dating situation in the past where you were conflicted between, am I justified to worry about this? Or is this like something that I have the right to be bothered by? But ultimately,

like maybe chose to bury it at the risk of, you know, sounding crazy or being paranoid and thinking it was maybe just you, you know, self-sabotaging. Right. I think I'm sure I have plenty of examples, but most, so most recently I was dating this guy. We'd been dating for just over two months, not too long. And he had, was starting to get more busy, which there was a legitimate reason because he started taking some classes and he was working and taking classes. You know, I did that with my master's degree. I totally get that. So I was trying to be very understanding that he was working and taking classes. I did that with my master's degree. I totally get that. So I was trying to be very understanding that he was more busy. So I wouldn't hear from him or see him as much. And I think the first week it was fine. It felt normal. At this point before that, we've been seeing each other multiple times a week. We

would text every day for at least a little bit. And it was pretty consistent. And then as time went on, I would hear from him less. He would initiate conversations less. And we at one point went about almost three weeks without actually seeing each other at all. And I kept telling myself, no that you're you know give him space he's probably just really stressed you know you don't know him that well maybe this is kind of what he does at this point are you guys just like hanging out or have you defined the relationship we hadn't defined the relationship yeah i mean we said that we were exclusive so we said that we weren't dating other people it was like a soft define it was a soft because like you might not have defined the expectation you might not have defined the

relationship is like oh we're going to call each other boyfriend and girlfriend but to define the expectation of we're no longer going to be hanging out with other people is it's a pretty big step i mean yeah that's like that's saying i'm committed to only dating you. Right. And if anything changes, I'll let you know. I won't just let you find out. And we literally had pretty good communication. I was very upfront with what I was expecting and looking for.

How long were you dating before you said, we're going to mutually not date other people? It was about, I'm trying to think. I think that was, it was around, it was like at Valentine's Day. So I think that was probably a month and a half. So like just over a month and a half or so. Okay, yeah, it's reasonable. Yeah.

I mean, I think three weeks is a really long time to have no communication with someone that you have said, I'm not going to be dating other people. Right. We were communicating, but it just wasn't at the same level. And then we literally, I saw him once and it was just, he came over after his class was done one night and then we just for a little bit and then left. So what do you mean? we just were a little bit in the left so what do you say it was uh what do you mean so while he was busy with this class and yeah you're right it's just like sometimes people get busy especially early on how much was he communicating with you i guess what i'm saying is if i'm going to tell someone i'm dating i don't want to date anyone else. That's a pretty big expectation, especially nowadays, right? Right. And granted, yes, there's still a lot to get to know about

one another. It doesn't mean you're deeply in love. It doesn't mean you're committed to each other for the rest of your life. But that's a big step of saying, we're going to turn the dating apps off for a while. We're going to commit to getting to know each other and so if if i were also to be busy with work or whatever other priorities and i realize that and i i should be aware of that and i should be considerate and empathetic to how the person i'm now committed to who's committed to me and there's a commitment there you guys have no law you guys have said you're not dating other people i would think it would be incumbent upon me to say hey just so you know i'm just real stressed out real busy like it's not a norm but like i'm really excited about you and i do i can't wait to hang out with you

etc etc to put your mind at ease and that would to me would be a very normal expectation of you to have and if he didn't do that then i think it would be a normal you know reaction to be concerned yes and i was but i didn't want to say anything so he didn't he didn't do any of that he just like kind of he didn't he didn't acknowledge yeah the obvious is that true uh yeah i would say he didn't he wasn't very open about it we didn't really i before he started the class he did say like hey just you know this is going to be coming up okay like and so you know so we talked about it before so i felt comfortable with that at the time but we didn't set any clear expectations for okay like this is how much we might be able to see each other or talk, which I guess looking back, I wish we had done more of that.

So, but so in my mind, like, you're being supportive, you're being understanding, you're not pressuring him, you're doing all this stuff. I also was saying, well, it's not unrealistic for someone that I am dating and not, and I'm also not exploring my other options to basically be not having much desire to really see me or talk to me in a meaningful way. Just like, like having basic communication, but not really him being like, Hey, just, there was one instance where after his class, like on a Friday, he called me and he said, Hey, just so you know, I'm going to go see some friends, but I do really want to see you. So I'll call you tomorrow. But my friends asked me to hang out and I feel bad saying no. So don't, but don't worry. I do want to see you. So I was like, okay. And then we hung out the next day. But then after that, that didn't really happen anymore. So at first it seemed like he was doing that to an extent, but then eventually

it just fizzled out to a point where the week of Easter was like the week before Easter Sunday. I texted him and said like, it was after his class was over. And I said, Hey, I, um, I really want to see you this week. Like, when can we make plans for this week and that was on tuesday and he didn't text me back until easter sunday um and i was furious but i didn't again i didn't say anything in the moment i was just i was i was convinced he was ghosting me honestly because it was so because at that point i had heard from him at some point so what did he say on that sunday on that sunday he said like hey i'm sorry I've been such an ass like not getting back to you all week like I just wanted to check in and say hi and I hope you have a good Easter like with your family um because he was up seeing his family and that was it he just said oh I had

a weird week and I of course in my head was like what is that yeah I mean so just let's rewind when you guys said hey I only want to date you for now, what was that based on? Like how you were hanging out for like a month, month and a half, or how often were you guys hanging out with each other? Were you intimate with each other? Like what was going on that made you both say, let's not date other people? Well, yeah, we were at the point where we started off

really only seeing each other once a week, and then we did start being intimate pretty quickly it was like second date okay um you know so and then we you know and then it got to a point where we would see each other like two sometimes three times a week and then it was valentine's day coming up and then um you know he was like hey like you know i really would like to do something for valentine's day you know i know we it's kind of early but i would like to do something for Valentine's Day. I know it's kind of early, but I would like to do something. And then it was kind of once we did something for Valentine's Day, we kind of had this discussion of like, how are we feeling about things and where are we at? Who brought that up?

He did. He brought it up. Okay. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And it just felt like we were on the same page just in terms of, and of course I go back and I dissect that conversation thinking, well, maybe we didn't actually say that we were, cause we said that we both said like, Hey, I'm just someone who I don't really like to be dating a ton of people at the same time, you know, that kind of thing. So we kind of, you know, said like, Hey, like we're not seeing anybody else. So, you know, and maybe to me i don't know maybe in his mind we didn't actually say we were exclusive i don't know but again that's me backtracking and trying

excuses for him probably probably yeah i mean next time you're in this situation don't be afraid to you know finish that conversation to make sure there's clarity like especially since he was the one who brought up the kind of check-in in the first place and then you kind of say well i mean i don't really want to date other people and i don't like you know having to you know i don't like dating multiple people and then you can say yeah great me neither so like i know we i know we have we're still gonna know each other but but so just to maybe make a joke, just be like, so to be clear, we're going to really put in an effort here

and not date other people. And you should be able to ask that, especially since he brought it up, and get a response, right? And his response will matter. That will help you really see how serious he is about setting the expectations. And you kind of maybe avoided finishing that conversation, which allowed you to go back and kind of replay it in your head and then created some confusion. Again, I'm nitpicking things to learn from.

But yeah, I don't... I think you had every right to... If you're actually committed to dating someone, they make you a priority, especially early on. And he didn't. And I get that he had other things going on, but his follow-up to someone he says he's only dating and not dating anyone else on Easter. Like you're just checking in.

It's like a weird, like what, what at this point, like what are like, if I, if you got asked to go on a date at this point, like it would be weird for you to say yes. Like you haven't talked,

you've barely talked. He's checking in. And really what he is is responding to you five days later. But in the meantime, if you got out, you went grocery shopping and all of a sudden this like good looking guy was like, hey, you want to like grab a drink? And you were like, let me check on the person I can't get a hold of who's not really my boyfriend, but I told him I'm not dating anyone else kind of thing. Right. And that was what I was struggling with because i was getting to a point where i was just getting really frustrated and being like if okay if you're not going to prioritize me i should be exploring my options well that's what i'm saying you know so going back to when you guys

set those kind of you have set expectations it's okay to play out some scenarios to avoid a confusion like so to be clear like some like great you know some hottie asked me out on the grocery store i'm gonna say no because i'm focused on you right like even though like we don't have to use the boyfriend girlfriend label which people get so hung up on um like we uh well maybe next time a guy brings that up ask him what he means by that you know put him like especially if a guy you know not like don't drill him be like all right cool like i hey to be clear i like you so thanks for bringing this up and like i definitely but what do you mean what does that mean to you right you know like if he is getting if he's dating you for a month and a half

you've been hanging out on a regular basis and you're having sex and he gets weirded out by calling you his girlfriend, even though he wants some clarity from you about who you're having sex with, that's a red flag if he gets weirded out by labels. And we didn't really get into a label conversation, but he did say... I know, but you got into a we're not dating other people conversation and chose not to have the labeling conversation. Right. Yeah. And then all of a sudden he started acting like someone he was casually dating. Like his actions, regardless of how much he had going on, looked like someone who didn't ever have a conversation

about not dating other people. His actions were like someone he's, whether he had sex or not mate went on a few dates had a nice time he's like hey you know talk to his buddy and be like yeah this girl she's part of the roster you know a couple girls i'm talking to but she's maybe my favorite you know yeah and his friends knew about me like he told like his friends about me and like everything so which i know like i don't i was trying not to read too much into because i've been in situation in both types of situations and it didn't really make a difference but so for you being someone who is an overthinker right who can second guess conversations

at the risk of you know pushing things too fast or being that girl who like asks direct questions. Like maybe you should just save yourself the energy and the future frustrations of having to guess what they mean as someone who overthinks by just having these conversations up front and getting very clear understandings of what they mean by the things they're saying. Because now we're getting in this kind of dating situation where what does it mean to say I'm not dating other people, right? Like we have all these kind of different definitions of what these even defining the relationship means. So like, what does that mean to you? Like give them scenarios and be playful about it. But, and if he can't have that conversation and gets weird, then you're like, because

sometimes people can do that. Sometimes people try to define the expectations because they want to like get security for them, but selfishly don't want the expectations of themselves. Right. And sometimes it's like, oh, he doesn't want me to like hook up with other dudes but like i'm too afraid to make sure he's not hooking up with other women or that he wants to call me his girlfriend if he wants you to not indulge other offers from men then at a minimum he should be like you're my girlfriend why is that so much to ask if you're giving up your freedom to like play the

field why is it too much to ask him to call you his girlfriend right yeah that's true and if he and i yeah if he i think that's the thing i don't want to push the issue you know he brought it up yeah you know in that situation yeah but what's wrong with pushing the issue? What do you mean? This is not a second date. You're like, hey, you've been hanging out on a consistent basis for over a month. And I'm not saying if you've dated a month, you have to define the relationship, but everything's there to be justified and not crazy to define the relationship. Not to mention he brought the, he initiated the conversation of setting expectations. And there's no point of setting expectations in a relationship if you're not going to have a clear understanding of what those expectations mean. I think that the

takeaway from this is, again, just trust your gut in an early dating situations. Don't have things like half conversations, have the the full conversation ask what they mean by their expectations they're trying to set right and and pay attention to their answers and if they get uncomfortable defensive then they're not ready to set expectations and that's fine you're like no problem buddy you're not there yet yeah and i yeah i think that's the that's a tough thing for me too is being you know because that's always the risk when you have the conversations is that you're not going to get the answer that you want. And again, it one's longer than the other. And one, you can at least get clarity and feel good and move on. Yeah. And then also sometimes even when I know I have to have the conversation, still trying

to set the stage of, okay, when is going to be the right time to talk to him about it? And how do I set this up? And there's no, that's the thing. There's no great setup. There's no great scenario. There's no, yeah. Like if he likes you, it'll be fine. If he doesn't, you're going to find out anyways.

There's no right time. Yeah. Like if he likes you, it'll be fine. If he doesn't, you're going to find out anyways. You don't want the perfect time to try to convince him to like put in more work than he's even willing to give anyways. In fact, you want to find the most inconvenient time because that's when you'll get the most honest answer. Good point. All right.

Well, hopefully that was helpful. No, it was. It was very helpful. I appreciate that. All right. Well, take it was helpful. No, it was. It was very helpful. I appreciate that. All right. Well, take it easy on yourself. Trust your gut and just have tougher conversations earlier on. And I think you're going to be totally fine.

All right. Awesome. Thank you so much. Take care. How's it going? Good. How are you? Great.

What's your name? My name's Allie and I'm 25. Hi, Allie. How can I help? So I am recently married. Congrats. Thank you very much. And my relationship with him has been fantastic from the start. You know, we met online, we went on a date and pretty much have hung out every day since then. And recently we got married the only trouble that

we seem to have is that he has two kids from two different exes previously and they are awful both of them are awful in their own separate ways um there's two daughters one is 12 and the other is five and he's 31 so he's a little bit older than I am. And the problems that we run into a lot of times is that they always give us issues of some sort. And it's just hard for me to deal with the emotions that come with them. You know, the mother of the oldest, she really struggles to make me feel like I matter in her daughter's life. Like, for example, my parents were up visiting for Easter. We wanted both the girls to go hang out with my family.

But she was like, well, why does she have to do that with you guys? You know, it's hard for her to feel like I'm part of their life, which then conversely makes me feel like I'm not a part of their life. I mean, just out of curiosity, how long were you dating before you got married? A year. How many of these conversations did you have with him before you got married? We have this conversation all the time, and he's great about it. He reassures me about my feelings. He reassures me that everything I'm feeling is normal, and he understands.

And he's very open to me justifying my feelings and expressing my feelings in the way they make me feel. But it's hard because I just feel. And that's great as your husband. Awesome that he's like empathizing with you and understanding. Doesn't necessarily make either of you right. You know, these are very sticky situations, right? And I'm not a parent. So, you know, but I'm simply saying I also empathize with the defensiveness of what his exes might feel about.

And that's great that you want to include them. But my advice to you is focus on your marriage with him and that relationship. Recognize he has kids. It sounds like, obviously, you want to be involved in their lives. So for him, that's great to know that he married someone you want to be involved in their lives so like for him that's great to know like that he married someone that like wants to be like something in his kids lives right but just because you are willing and wanting to be doesn't mean you get to dictate the timeline and the speed in which that goes right right? Because you're dealing with, you know,

complicated parent situations, and the mothers in these situations might have another point of view about the speed and timing of which that happens. And quite frankly, they don't know you, they don't have to trust you, they don't know if you're crazy or insane or wonderful, and they most likely are not going to give you the benefit of the doubt so you will most likely have to be patient with them and and show them more than you might have to show the average person that you're not terrible they're going to want to believe that you're terrible they're going to want to sometimes we meet people we just want to hate you know oversimplifying it like yeah if you're a sports fan you just

kind of want to hate that you know sometimes you're just like i want to hate this guy but fuck he's good you know like people want to hate tom brady and then he wins super bowls you're like god damn it right he's my husband so i get it yeah yeah so you get what i'm saying like so i think you know when you're just like well i want them to meet my family i would get why they would be like why the fuck do they have to meet her parents or whatever like fuck her yeah and i'm not saying just let them be okay with it just be chill be understanding don't fight fire with fire it's one of those things like if you like match their level at and if if they go low and you meet them low like they're not going to like be self-aware recognize how low they're

going they're just going to point how low where you are so just go high and just be super patient because again we are talking about like a mother who might feel threatened about some stranger's parents like being involved in their life like fuck i mean i can see myself being real petty about that if there's something to be petty about that might be it no definitely so focus yeah you're newly married like you've only been with this guy for over a year just really focus on this relationship in this guy. And as long as he knows that you love his kids and you are there and willing to be a mentor or just another person in our lives at any level, allow, you know, whatever he and his, his and their mothers allow, because keep in mind, they're also their mothers

and they have a say in how that child is raised. It's not your call. You don't have the right to point. You can be a, you can support him, but it's not your right to have an opinion about how they're raised. Right. Certainly not yet. You know, maybe in the future. Yeah. And the thing that my husband always brings up to me though, that also kind of makes it feel confusing is initially in the beginning, when we were early on dating, we have full custody of both of them so obviously I am with them time wise more than their own mothers are yeah so in the beginning when they would come ask me you know for like a simple thing like oh can I watch tv for an hour can I do this can I do that in the beginning it was very hard for me to say yes or no because obviously I didn't feel like it was my

place but he is always like at the end of the day you are there for them more than their mothers are you are with them more than their mom just out of curiosity why does he have full custody that's so for the oldest um they ended up getting pregnant in high school and when the baby was one she called him and said i can't do this anymore you need to come get your kid and went out of the picture for a few years okay for the youngest right now she's more 50 50 we're actually currently going through a custody battle with her right now but it's looking like that we're gonna have more time with her than the mother will yeah i think so early on the best thing for you is to play the good cop as much as you can.

Just be the not, don't give him any reason to be threatened by you. Be over accommodating. Let him fight the battles, right? And, you know, be a level-headed sounding board for him that even if, because I'm sure it can be irritating for him to like fight with these people. I get it. Like nothing is more sensitive and complicated than this custody battles and I really empathize with everyone involved but for you just try to be the person who's just like I at the end of the day I

just I recognize everyone's pain in this situation and throwing stones and bringing up the past isn't going to help the kids right there's always let's let's focus on the kids and's, what's better for the kids is that everyone, these kids feel loved by everyone and they're all getting good advice. So like, just, yeah, you're going to have something you're just going to have to deal with. And, and you obviously got involved in the situation and, and try, don't try to win. Don't try to be right. You know, that doesn't get you anywhere. It doesn't help the kids doesn't you know it um it only helps your ego so these are some things that i think you should try to think about um but focus on him your husband let your husband deal with these things and you're just

here to support him and um the more you let these women feel empowered and that you're not a threat, the easier they'll be able to work with. The less they think you're a threat to them being their kid's mother, the cooler they will be. And that might take time, years maybe. The other thing that I'm kind of struggling with too is with the oldest. Her and I have a fantastic relationship. And one thing that I admire about

both my husband and her mother is that they will never talk bad about each other in front of the kid, which is great. But then the problem is, is the oldest will then come to me with issues that she has about not only my husband, but about her mother too. So I kind of fall in this neutral ground where she feels like- No, but that's the thing is like, don too so i kind of fall in this neutral ground where she feels like no but that's the thing is like don't don't confuse that kind of like bonding moment with something that is okay right you should respect the bond that his he has with his ex-wife or ex-girlfriend or whatever the whatever it is and make it clear that as a third power party you're not going to allow this kid to use you as a way, like,

you know what I'm saying? You are all united front. And that's what you need to make these women understand, right? Because if she feels like her husband, right, who is not going to talk bad, but you're going to allow the kid to like vent to you. I mean, they can vent, but like the other day, you have to make it clear where you stand and you stand with the parents. And then you can talk to them and be like, hey, like, just so you know, like, they vented to me. I, you know, tell your husband first, let your husband communicate with her. Right. And let her come to you to build the relationship. Don't come to her, right? Let her come to you, the mom. But do not, at the risk of feeling like this is a bonding moment with the kid,

make them feel like you are an alternative to vent and talk shit to. That's a terrible idea. Really nip that in the bud and set those boundaries. You are part of this united front. That's a great idea. And then just in terms of dealing with all of them and all the drama that they bring, what is your advice in terms of not allowing myself to go into an emotional spiral about it? Because obviously it's frustrating and obviously it's frustrating for him and it's hard for me to watch him deal with all of the drama that they bring. And it's hard for me not to. Set reasonable expectations with yourself.

If you're expecting this problem to be solved in a month, you're going to drive yourself nuts. If you recognize it, like, listen, this is a situation you got in. And in almost all these situations, everyone can do better. Everyone can show more patience and empathy. Everyone can spend a little more energy empathizing with the person on the other side. And so you're just there to help support your husband and help each other have that type of empathy. And that won't always be easy, but yes, you're going to have to play the long game and set reasonable expectations. And the more you can do

that, the easier it will be. And I understand this is not going to be easy. But yes, if you're expecting this and demanding things to be like, oh, well, I just want this marriage to go perfect. And I don't want to worry about this in six months. Well, you're going to set yourself up for disappointment. And you can focus on your new marriage and separate it from this drama at the same time in the beginning i dealt with a lot of jealousy obviously having two of his exes still in his life but obviously i've come to terms with the fact that they're going to be there for the whole life yes realistically and it's just it's i've never dated anyone with kids before until him so it's definitely been an adjustment period for me as well yeah and you knew going in, so you can't like change the narrative. And

the more in these tough situations, every time you feel a certain way, the more you can just hit the pause button and say, yes, I'm mad, but how might they be? If I were in their position, how would I feel like is going to help you? And it's easier said than done, but that's, that's, that's the easiest way to not lose your mind. Great advice. Yeah.

Yeah, definitely. All right. Yeah. No, thank you so much. That was definitely very, very helpful advice.

Okay. Well, best of luck. Congratulations on the marriage. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. All right. Take care.

How's it going? Hi, I'm Erin. I'm 31 and I live here in LA. Hi, Erin. 31. How can I help? Um, so I got myself into my first situation show and my last. Zero out of ten would not recommend.

But I met this guy last summer. Well, I started seeing this guy last summer. I met him off of a dating app. And it was around the time that I already had all this free time. I just recently got laid off from my job. I decided to put myself out there during a weird time and I met him. He grew up out here, went to law school and we hit it off as any normal relationship would. The physical connection was there.

Feelings were mutual. He was super consistent. We just vibed really well. And we started seeing each other a lot. lot and I think just a few months down the road I felt comfortable enough to ask him where this I felt comfortable enough to basically have that talk with him so I sat him down and I was like hey you know I like you I like hanging out with you I like to see where this goes but I just want to make sure that you and I are on the same page and I went into that conversation 100% certain that it was going to go my way like that was my ego what was your like you're in by what your way mean he'd be like oh my god i totally feel like

i want to see where this goes yeah yeah yeah and then um so it didn't go my way um he basically said to me that he wasn't looking for anything serious how long were you guys dating before you had this conversation um like two months okay but um for the first, I think, how long, how much were you hanging out in the first two months? Well, when I asked that question, it wasn't more like, I want to be in a relationship with you. It was just more of like, I like where this is going, but I just want to make sure. No, I get it. But like how much in those two months were you talking every day, like once a week, you know, like, did you, um, we were hanging out like a couple of times a week talking every single day

um were you guys hooking up like make future plans sorry were you hooking up yeah okay yeah so yeah i mean sex is great i mean obviously that added on to like feelings um okay and i was kind of blindsided by it. And so I took that information, I processed it, and I distanced myself from him for a little bit. And then he reached back out and he asked me, hey, are you still interested in hanging out after what we talked about last time? To be clear, though, he didn't have a change

of heart he was just asking if you would are still willing to keep doing what you were doing okay yeah and then so um your response here to this question is critical what did you say yeah what did you say so my response was obviously something i was still kind of fresh off of it so i really liked him and compromised i compromised yeah i compromised and i know i'm a dumbass but um um i compromised on it and i just kind of pushed my feelings down i was like you know what i can handle it it's not that big of a deal um i was like if it doesn't work out it doesn't work out we started hanging out more and more more frequently than before he was just out of curiosity i'm curious i'm like it's a genuine question like how much when so like you started you you compromised you started hanging back out

back out things picked up and to your point you started hanging out even more how much of you was hoping that you would still get what you wanted based off of how much you were hanging out and things like that? Where like, oh, it all felt good, it was fun, and you guys were having fun, and it felt like boyfriend and girlfriend. And how much were you getting your hopes up based off of that? I was getting my hopes up a lot. Like I felt pretty disappointed.

getting my hopes up a lot like i felt pretty disappointed i i had a lot of expectations into it and where sometimes i felt i was like obviously that leads to disappointment but it started leading to the point where i was digging myself a deep fucking hole you know um i would put my feelings aside i would put on a front and pretend that everything was okay in this situation. But also, you weren't necessarily putting your feelings aside. Because that's my question is this is around like you were still being like, oh, maybe I don't know. Like this is going great. I mean, he sees it, too. So like I know he said no.

And I know he said he just wants to like do what we were doing before but like we're having so much fun like why would he say no to this so you weren't even like you weren't even ignoring your feelings you were just kind of lying to yourself I was lying to myself about like yeah you know because your feelings were like I'm still here like it's great right you're like yeah no it's pretty great like he should he must agree mm-hmm and then yeah I wasn't I wasn't being honest with myself and this is something that I've never done before I was definitely breaking my own boundaries I felt that I was losing myself in this process with him so so, so where are we now? I just, sorry,

where are we now? Um, so where are we now? So basically I ended it with him. We've ended it twice, but the first time I was just like, I said, I was having a hard time navigating through it. We obviously are not on the same page here. I just don't feel like being an option to you um and I just I'm always gonna want more he understood that and then I was like okay cool like this ended on good terms like I can move on from this I ended up getting a job making he was like because I had all this free time and spending all this time with him, I was able to, you know, move on. I got a job again. Like, that was my priority.

And so he kind of, like, snuck his way back in again. It was a lot of, like, weak moments to where it started to become toxic. This is where it becomes toxic. And, like, if I can compare it, it would be like to like a drug, if you will. You know, it felt good in the moment. And then I would be willing to take all these temporary highs from like the lack of and then all these temporary highs and then getting all these withdrawals. So there would be like a lack of consistency. There would be being him shady off of his phone.

It's like all these like red flags that I would overlook. And it's like, for what? You know, like, what am I doing here? Like, this is, I know that this isn't going anywhere, but I created this unhealthy attachment to this situation that I made it so difficult to let go. And so I just, I reached a breaking point. And it would just, anything that he would say where i would just be like i was done he would still come back and it's like why are you it was

like i know that i was disrespecting myself and my boundaries um but it would be like he would also disrespect me knowing that this isn't what I want, but he would still come back. Yeah. And that's because I was allowing him to come back. So what's your question? Again, where are we now and what's your question? Basically, my question is I have this attached, even though it's done, it's finally done,

I feel now this guilt of since he's come back, I have this guilt of like since he's come back i have this guilt of like not responding or like i have this guilt of like i'm not really saying like what i really felt for this whole situation like i felt i wasn't vulnerable enough what do you mean you felt like you weren't vulnerable enough you like you told him that i want to date like you were dating a guy for two months it's not like this was like your husband of five years and you need to like pour your heart out like you at some point made it clear you wanted to get him get to know him more and that you liked him and you you had feelings right yeah um what were you what were you like in your mind like what do you feel like there was some magic thing

you could or should have said that would have changed the outcome um i don't think there wasn't anything i could have said to change the situation but a part of me just feels like i held into much like i did say what i need to say but there's always like more um and i felt that he there are times where i was like strong and i was like i feel like he doesn't deserve to have that response but it's like if i keep it inside it's going to eat me alive um so it's just i feel like i put more into this effort time and energy into this no you did and like you're just kind of like your ego is just a little frustrated, right? Because your ego is just like,

listen, it's not that he doesn't like me. It's just that you haven't done a good job of explaining to him how awesome we are. You know, and that's where you're at now. You're just not, you're having a hard time accepting that it's over, right? Because your ego is just like, there must be some sort of misunderstanding

because it's not possible for him not to want to date us like how does he not see all the great things we see like clearly you're not doing a good job of explaining to him or showing him or being vulnerable enough your ego's like basically accusing you of doing things wrong and well you know what i'm saying like because there's no possible way that you're not, and he can't see it, right? So it's like your ego is telling you it's a you problem that you haven't like articulated it well. And that's it. That's why you're feeling how you're feeling.

And then you're, instead of just seeing that, you'll tell yourself things like it's guilt or I feel guilty or I feel bad. It's just, it's just, you're having a hard time accepting that he didn't like you. He didn't appreciate you. Right. And the only thing, if you, if you did anything wrong was not trusting your gut the first time, like you were very clear that you wanted more. He was very clear that he didn't. And then he was very clear when he called you back and said, I don't want more. I want the same. And are you willing to compromise?

And you said, yes. And at that point, you can be very mad at yourself about that, but that's it. Any time you hooked up before or hung out after after that and doesn't matter how great of a time you had and your ego's just like why didn't you explain it better like why didn't you perform better in bed why didn't you whatever it is that you're just like oh i'm so close like why can i get it to the finish line like oh my god like like every time you hooked up with him or i hung out with him or had a date with him and you had a great time your ego was like so like what's the problem why can't you close this deal like it's saying this to yourself and like judging you but like it was never going to get close he was very clear what he didn't want and wanted right and so it probably you know um and that's

it like also like this is you know i don't know if you i've used the sour patch analogy before but this is your sour patch kid right he's he's just you get that quick like that quick fix you mentioned drug or whatever like you know for me it's sour patch kids i know like my mouth salivates every time i see see sour patch kids or know it's there but you know i look in the ingredients and it's just full of, dare I say, toxic things, right? Sugar and whatever, corn syrup. That's not good for me. It feels good. Oh, my God. And I put it in my mouth and it salivates and it's like, oh, God, what a fix, right?

But I eat too much and I immediately feel like crap. I got like gut rot. I'm just like, oh, I feel sick after doing it, right? And then I swear I'm never going to do this again. But then I go to the movies or whatever and I see it. And it's like in a bowl at a friend's house. Oh, my God, fuck, it's there. And it's like, ah, I can't stay away from it. But like you can't live off of Sour Patch Kids because the stuff inside is not good for you. Right. And like you just have to accept that it's not good for you and move on. Like

Sour Patch Kids are never going to be something that I can eat on a regular basis and look and feel the way I want to feel. Right? And so I have to let it go. Nothing's going to change it, right? My ego can't convince me that somehow like God made my metabolism so special that I can digest and turn all the toxic ingredients that are in Sour Patch Kids into something that's like, you know, good for me. It's just not going to happen, right? And you just have to accept that you're being stubborn and not accepting it, right? Like, that's it. Like, you should never entertain a conversation with this guy again unless it includes him saying, I'm so sorry. I asked more of you than you were able to give because you were very clear about what you wanted out of this.

And I asked you to compromise what deep down you knew you shouldn't do and i'm sorry but now i realize i do want those things i hope that you were willing to give me another shot but i want to make it very clear i want all the things that you want i'm willing to make sacrifices i'm willing to give things up i want this relationship i make no promises on how it's going to work out but i want that and short of that like that's the only thing you should do in terms of having if he doesn't do that then you should never entertain it again and just accept that, you know, you compromised way back when. And that's the only thing you got wrong. But other than that, you just need to like check your ego and be like, hey, listen, we are good enough.

We are great. But like, everyone's not going to love us. Like, we're not deserving of every person that we want. It's love and affection. You know, we just have to focus on giving it to the people who want us. Like people talk about checklists, like, oh, checklists, you know, they had, he had it, he had it all like, oh my God, it was great. But like people often forget the box, right? That is they love me or they care about me or they consider my feelings, right?

Like that's a box people never want to check. It's just like, well, they have to love you back. They have to like care about you, right? That's a box you should want to check. And people often don't check that box, but we ignore that box because they, look good or they're charming or they're funny or they make money or like they're good in bed or like they love their parents or they went to a certain college. I don't know. But it's not your job to get them to love you. It's not your job to get them to show you affection.

That should come naturally. If it doesn't happen, we just have to accept it that maybe they're not our guy. And we often have a hard time accepting that. We try to check that box on our own. It's not your job. Yeah. that we did we try to check that box on our own it's not your job yeah I think it might also be you know I do have a habit of holding on to people not even just like relationships itself even like friendships like I have a habit of like holding on to people that aren't necessarily like

good for me yeah well there's something there right that's something you should address i mean if you think there's a pattern there you know therapy is a great way of addressing this some maybe some sort of attachment style or disorder that you're dealing with right it's all like ego driven right you're stubborn are you a stubborn person you seem like a stubborn person that's okay i'm stubborn but i am stubborn yes yeah so like you know sometimes i'm always right when i'm not you're you're stubborn to a. Yeah. I like to think that sometimes I'm always right when I'm not. You're stubborn to a fault. You don't like accepting that, you know, and your stubbornness probably serves you well in a lot of aspects, maybe even work.

Like you're a problem solver. You'll get it done. But sometimes you just have to let go. Sometimes you make bets that are bad, and nothing you can do is going to change that. But if you keep betting a bad bet, you'll just keep losing more. So that's just something you're going to have to work through. And it's good for you to recognize that it is a pattern for you, whether it's friends, whether it's dating

situations, you have to be willing to, once you put out what you want and your expectations and those expectations aren't met, or they even make it clear that they're not willing to meet them, and those expectations aren't met or they even make it clear that they're not willing to meet them, then it's time to leave and walk away. And it's not your job to convince them that they're wrong. It's not your job to explain to them why they should reconsider.

And don't let your stubbornness get in the way. Yeah, that's always been the issue on my end. Yeah. So, you know, that's great to identify it. Now you need to work on it. Now you need to be able to check yourself. Now you need to be, next time you get in a situation, this feeling you feel short of you finding the one,

and that's hard to do. So, like, chances are the next person you date, right, is going to, you know, not be willing to do something. And you need to be able to say, okay, I accept this and move on. And not feel like it's some sort of defeat, you know. Yeah, I just need to not compromise on something. Actually actually like i would never do this ever again that's first and last time um but it's probably it doesn't sound like it's the first time right like this situation is the first time but like by your own admission you have a pattern of being

stubborn and and doing even this with friends and so you just need to like know, I think it'd be a healthy practice for you to like recognize that and be vulnerable with yourself and be like, you know, like, you know what? I'm human. I have some flaws. This is something I need to work on. It's probably going to take some time. You know, I need to figure out why I do why I do it. And so how do I recognize it in the future?

So then when it does happen, you say, Aaron, time out. Like, I just need to stop. I need to, I'm not going to eat those Sour Patch Kids. It's this willpower, right? Like at some point, you just got to be like, no. Because like, no matter what you tell yourself, those Sour Patch Kids are going to make you sick. It doesn't matter.

Like 100% of the time, and no matter how stubborn you are, like that's going to happen. And you just keep reaching going to happen and you just keep reaching for it and you keep putting in your mouth right and so you just have to develop a some sort of willpower and trusting yourself and the confidence to say nope i'm not going to do it and and find a way to you know go about your your life that way and it might take some time like you know yeah so like work on and identify why you know invest some resources and time and and and don't just dismiss it you know don't just call this situation a one

off because it sounds like maybe there are well this this situation is unique there are some other patterns in your other relationships in your life that you know resemble this in various ways cool all right well best of luck so much yeah keep your head up you'll be fine and and gotta let it go gotta let him go you know get him out of your life oh yeah he's gone he's like out the window but thank you he might he might pop in again but you know oh um yeah he definitely has it's's just the ignoring or blocking. All right. Thank you.

Take care. Bye. Bye-bye. Well, I hope you guys enjoyed this episode. I know I did. Did I enjoy it? I don't know. I think you did really good.

You're giving people some really good blunt what they need to hear information. Well, I can't thank you guys enough for listening. I hope you enjoyed this episode. We certainly enjoy giving it to you. That sounded weird. Sending your questions at askdickatcastmedia.com. Did you enjoy me giving it to you? Sending your questions. Ben Folds, everybody. Ben Folds Wednesday. Bye.