The Viall Files - E274 Ask Nick- He Was Always Living The Single Life

Episode Date: June 7, 2021

On today's episode of Ask Nick our first caller started “dating” someone she respected who was really well known in their industry but turned out not to be who she thought he was. Next, we speak with a single mom who stopped speaking with a guy because he was not ready to be serious. After a few months he contacts her because he is now ready to be committed to her but it doesn’t necessarily work out the way she hoped. Third, we have a woman who received a snap from the guy she was dating that had a message saying he had another girlfriend; turns out the other girlfriend was putting him on blast. Sadly, she was not the only one as she dug into the story more and more. Last, we speak with a woman who wants the guy she is seeing to give up his dating apps but at the same time she is not ready to be his girlfriend.  “Your ego is so much in control that it is silencing your gut and what you know to be right.” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  For merch please visit www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Article: http://www.article.com/VIALL for $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more.  Brooklinen: http://www.brooklinen.com enter promo code VIALL for $20 off a minimum purchase of $100.  ShipStation: http://www.shipstation.com  enter offer code VIALL for 2 months FREE of no hassle, stress-free shipping Theragun: http://www.theragun.com/VIALL to try Theragun for 30 days starting at only $199.  Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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What's going on, everybody? Welcome back to an amazing episode of the Vile Files Ask Nick edition. I'm your host, Nick, joined by the all-star team of amanda chrissy and ally and we are here to bring you the best in relationship advice across the internet and we can't thank our callers enough and we have another great lineup of vulnerable people calling in to share their stories and listen to me tell them how to fix all their problems you can't imagine a better combination. So thanks for choosing us, whether it's Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday. If you are joining us on Monday, hey, Bachelorette is back, baby.

We are back with recapping the Bachelorette KD's edition of this season. It should be wild. It's going to be a lot of new stuff. of this season. It should be wild. It's going to be a lot of new stuff. Spoiler alert, yours truly makes an appearance on the... Oh, hey! On one of the episodes. Just to help. Not...

Not... Do you know what episode you're in? If it's early or late? We'll keep on guessing. We also have Nikki Glaser with us this week as well. Friend of the Vile Files for another high quality,

fun, funny, interesting, you know, deep dive with Nikki Glaser. So as always, we are back three episodes a week. Thanks for choosing us. The show is going to get better and better. We want to welcome our kind of new listeners from the TikTok community.

We know many of you have found our page and we can't thank you enough. Be sure to tell all your friends about us. Honestly, the best thing you can do for us is when I'm rambling on TikTok, just share it with like 10 people because apparently TikTok rewards people when you share and then you just spread the word

and it's like it means a lot to me and I just want to say thank you for everyone for joining our community. If there's nothing else let's get to our callers and again if you are a bachelor fad be sure to check us out because we have all the best hot takes from someone who's been in every role you could possibly be and that goddamn crazy show i know what's going on except one role the winner i haven't won but i did i was engaged a winner thanks for listening guys and uh let's just get to our callers let's ask nick your sexy questions

how's it going hi my name is er. I'm good. How are you? Good. How old are you, Erin? I'm 29 years old. Great. How can I help? So I wanted to come to you today about this because it's a tricky situation that I've been in for some time. And it involves a kind of high-profile public figure. So for this reason, I'm going to keep him anonymous. However, I want to hear your side of it. I think that, you know, someone like you would be able to give the inside, I guess, scoop about this, perhaps. So I met this man five years ago he was someone that I had been looking up to

in his industry because I was working in the same so I kind of idolized him he was someone that I wanted to meet and I got the opportunity to do so so I introduced myself to him I gave him my business card and he wrote me a couple of days later. So at the time I was totally thrilled. I mean, this guy was top in his game. He's really well known. And at the time I met him, I was with my ex. So I didn't think anything of it. Like it was innocent, at least from my side. So at the time you met him you had a boyfriend yeah i had a boyfriend actually i met him with my boyfriend i went to specifically meet this guy because i knew that he was going to be at this location and we had a business together me and my ex that related

with his okay so he so this man that i met he wrote me and asked some questions about the business that we were doing and said that he wanted to send me his book he wanted to send me some merchandise so he did again everything was just platonic and i just kept it going because i thought he would be a good contact to have have and that just went on for years he would message me periodically and it just kind of blew my mind like why is this guy thinking about me I mean maybe he's really into me like so these messages he sent like did they escalate and was it still like about books and business or was he asking about your personal life? Was he sharing anything with you about how he felt for you or was it still like friendly and professional? It always remained friendly and professional.

Like, while he knew that I was in a relationship, would just pop up and say like hey I hope your year is going well I'm doing this and that he would ask some questions it never led anywhere inappropriate except for maybe a few times when he kind of hinted like hey I'm in so-and-so city I saw that you were there like do you want to meet for a beer? And you had a boyfriend at the time? I did. And he knew that, but he didn't care. No, sure. Most people. Did your boyfriend know that this guy was periodically reaching out to you? Yeah, he did. But like I said, we were in the same industry as this guy. So

for us, it was just kind of like, yeah, message him. But even as it escalated and started to get more random and... So eventually, I mean, this lasted for years, like five years. Just periodically he would pop in. Okay. he would pop in okay and only up until november 2020 that's when he messaged that he was single and you know looking to see if i was as well i had been single for already one year before that so for me it was like oh this is great timing we're finally both single let's you know start to get to know each other better so let me ask you this when he uh when he reached out to you being like hey i'm single are you single sounds like

there was a level of excitement you had but i'm curious when you in that moment if you could go back and think were you totally shocked or were you kind of you were both you're excited but like were you totally blown away absolutely not i mean this guy he had been popping up you know sometimes reacting to stories or just so it kind of made sense yeah okay it made sense you know i felt like maybe i was on his roster i mean comes at no surprise this guy he's traveled the world he knows lots of people you know he's single now getting he was married though with kids going through the divorce I mean I knew that okay I just I'm so excited that you know maybe I have a chance with this guy but at the same time like recently divorced guy is probably not looking to get

into a serious relationship right afterwards right no yeah but anyway you said the the excitement of him liking you won over in your mind versus the hesitance that you had right yeah 100 percent like and you were how old around this time? I was 28. Okay. So this was very recently. The communication was good. We were talking every day. He was sending me like personal videos, like hope your day is going well.

I'm thinking about you in this place or that place, whatever. But then communication after like a month or two started to trail off a little bit which is totally normal you know long distance we weren't in a serious relationship or anything after some time I just thought okay he's definitely seeing other girls he's seeing other women that's fine you know we're not in a relationship like if I had an opportunity to date someone else I would too however I was so stuck on him like I wasn't even looking for anyone else eventually I see that he's starting to follow a lot of girls on Instagram which wasn't really like him because he always stuck to the brand he didn't follow

people that were kind of out of his industry or show anything that was, I don't know, just, I guess, showing his personal life. And I noticed every day another girl, another girl that he was following. And these were all of my, yeah, those red flags started to come in for me. And I thought, okay, he's, you know, single, he's doing his thing. That's fine. But I was still getting hurt. Like I still felt, I don't know, just just I wasn't getting the attention that I wanted and I just thought that this wasn't going how in the direction I wanted to so I started to back away from him um and then you know his

birthday came around which happened a couple weeks ago I sent him a birthday message he didn't even open it he didn't respond for like one week and during this time I saw that in the news there were a lot of sexual allegations going on in the industry that he works in and a lot of CEOs that like had different breweries were they were stepping down a CEO because they were having so many allegations against them that they had no choice but to step down so I was just waiting around to see if any stories would pop up about him and there were a few just about how he has like you know sexual misconduct he sleeps with some of the employees he slept with a young girl like the day after his wife gave birth and all of those things just didn't really come as a shock to me but it just showed why he just kind of went completely

silent like didn't even open my message unfollowed all of those girls that he recently started to follow on Instagram and stopped posting any stories which is so unlike him because he's like the most self-promoting person that I know. And so I did a little bit of investigating and I contacted one girl that she was following him a couple years ago and then followed me. So I followed her back and she's from his country. So she posted a story about what was going on in the industry so I commented on it like do you have any stories and she was like yeah I do I'm like okay I kind of have one two like something and so come you know I asked her if I could give her a call it comes out that it was the same guy and um that he was also

dating other women too which comes at no surprise again but then did some more digging and found out that he had flown to go and meet a newly turned 18 year old girl who that's 20 years younger than him i mean she just turned 18 and he went and met her so this for me started to show that he might be hiding something why did he unfollow all of those girls why did he become silent on social media why did he not open up my message like is he freaking out behind the scenes right now with a bunch of lawyers trying to scramble how they're going to fix this pr situation right we might be getting outside more and more people but we're still spending a majority of our time at home sleeping in bed and trying to be comfortable so make your home as comfortable as possible and you can do that very affordably with Brooklinen. You know, I love my Brooklinen. It's decked all over my place, my hand towels, my towels, my robes,

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to get $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. It just keeps going like that. Like they're not acknowledging it. His brand is saying nothing. He's been silent and I can just see all of the girls and women behind the scenes that have just fallen for the same thing. And what worries me, I mean, yeah, I got a little bit hurt in my situation with him, but now I just see this pattern has been going on for a long time and if it happened to me it would happen with a hundred other girls I don't know okay so I guess what I wanted to ask was

should I just see if things start to unfold or try and call him out on it some way. I think you should let him go and move on. Let him go. Yeah. I mean, yeah. Listen, he clearly sucks. He's a bad, bad guy. And, you know, the just turned 18 year old is creepy and gross.

It is. And he lies, manipulates, you know, he sounds like this powerful, successful guy who's obsessed with his own success and power. And it looks like he abuses that power, uh, to get what he wants. But unfortunately there's a lot of people out there who are, who are like that sucks. And when it's appropriate or it's good to try to hold these people accountable when it makes sense, but you're not really in the picture here. I know. I think you're kind of obsessed with this situation, and you're kind of obsessed with him.

It's interesting. I think I was. I think I was. I think you still are. You might not of obsessed with him. It's interesting. I think I was. I think I was. I think you still are. You might not be obsessed with him and I think you recognize, I don't think it doesn't sound like you're pining to have him as a lover

or a romantic mistress, but I think you're still obsessed with him in this situation. For example, I have no idea who my girlfriend follows i've never looked right okay you seem to be paying very close attention to someone you're not even dating you're very in tuned you're very curious you know by your own admission this is something you were a fan of right who gave you validation and and made you feel important and listen like you know in your

world he's a bit of a celebrity right uh and you admired him and looked up to him and then he gave you attention and that made you feel good and and all this but every step along the way by your story you were you were you were self-aware. You knew. You saw the red flags. You knew that maybe he was a little shady. And you kept choosing to engage with him. You kept choosing how good it made you feel that he was giving you attention,

even though every step along the way in your story, you kept recognizing, this guy probably sucks he probably is doing this but you're just like but it still feels really good i still love it it was exciting yeah yeah totally i liked it when his messages would pop up i'm not like 100 in general is it safe to say that when it comes to men, that you're attracted to a guy, you're attracted to success and power, which a lot of women and even men, I'm attracted to successful, powerful women, right? And power and success, it can vary and mean different things to different people. But that's something you're attracted to. And then you came across this guy by, you know, but that, you know, a lot of people would define as successful and

certainly powerful and you were enamored by that and you were attracted to that. And so I think you need to take some ownership of the choices you made along the way to keep choosing the excitement and the validation over what you knew deep down to be true all along. Right? Look, I totally agree. And that's why i'm i'm not saying that he did anything bad to me yeah like no i'm not saying you are but like i think right now there's a little bit of like what do i do like what do you do but only that but like almost a little like you should have known better are you do you find yourself judging yourself a little bit looking back on some of these choices i just don't like the 18 year old girl thing like that for me was a little bit like what do you even know who this girl is through association yes because listen if you genuinely feel like this young woman, her safety is a concern and you know who she is?

No. I don't think that she... I think she's still, from what I know, from what I heard, is that she's still really into him. And that's why she doesn't want to say anything. What was concerning me is the grooming aspect of it. Is he speaking with these girls before 18 years old and kind of waiting for them kind of how he did with me. Not that I was under age, but waiting it out kind of. Yeah. I mean,

keeping that connection going for years until the point where you feel like, okay. Yeah. I mean the age, like, yeah, if he was talking to her like before while she was underage and he knew that like yeah that definitely could be some grooming and and that's not okay i don't think in any way that sounds like the same situation with you you are a 24 year old woman right and he kept in touch and then like you said it was professional and that happens all the time like people like meet someone they have a they have a girlfriend or boyfriend and like you're like you see them you them, you're like, I have a crush on this person. You don't say anything.

You barely even say anything to yourself. And then you're like, you're kind of respectful, but like, and then you find out they're single and you shoot your shot. Right. And that's like, it sounds like he did. I mean, he's a dirt ball because it sounds like he was married the whole time and he's creepy. So I guess what I'm saying, like, you just got to trust yourself. Like, what are your real motives? If you think that if you know who this young woman is and you have access to like getting a hold of her and you think that maybe you can share some perspective, then do that because you might be helping her along the way. And in this specific incident and you know who this is, then fine, reach out.

But I wouldn't make this like take this like something that i have to take it upon myself to take him down or talk to all the women he's ever like screwed over or hooked up with no no that's not what i want what i would maybe hope for is that somehow it might warn to i don't know underage girls in some way i have no proof of that again but for me it was just why is he hiding behind the scenes why is his brand not acknowledging this at all what i mean because he's a powerful guy and if he is a ceo or a person of influence like you know when you're the ceo of a larger company and you fall under scandal, that hurts more than the person who's in charge.

It hurts the stock price. Yeah, it hurts. You know, like... It's more than him. Yes, a lot goes into it. So... I think, yes, he definitely owes the people involved an apology. However, the brand doesn't need to be sort of seated with that part of it.

But his brand also got a lot of allegations of seated with that part of it but his brand also got a lot of allegations of their own for like their own workplace issues which they didn't acknowledge that as well so i'm just saying like from also a business standpoint the fact that he is the top of the game in that industry and you and a lot of people look up to you the fact that you're not even acknowledging that it just shows shows that like, I don't know, maybe you're hype. He sucks. Yeah, I mean, listen, there's nothing to defend this guy on, right? And he wouldn't be the first highly successful, powerful, wealthy guy

who's abused that power and played a lot of people along the way. And it's not okay. And I hope he's held accountable. Right. It's not your job. You're not a police officer. You're not a superhero. Like, and again,

if it makes sense that you like, again, if you have access to warn people that, you know, that I guess you can do that, but like, it's, I think you just need to,

I I'm convinced, especially think you just need to, I'm convinced, especially like you are obsessed with this situation. And I think you need to try to remove yourself from it. Get this guy out of your life, you know, for the better part of, you know, what, six, seven years in some aspect, he's been involved in your life and you've been very involved in his day to day and what he's doing and what he's posting

and paying attention to what he's posting and paying attention to who he's following. And you need to, I think you need to get out of that cycle. And it's, it's really, you're taking up a lot of your time. But it, I will say it did take up my time. It's not currently in, because of all this being exposed to me, it helped me to see him differently and I'm not attracted to him like that. That has changed for me. It's not about me in this.

So can you, it was about the situation. So is, so just, is there anyone that you know for sure that is at risk as a result of him? Yes or no? Currently? No. Okay. No. So then I think you just need to let it go and and move on yeah yeah i mean i think that that's also the conclusion that i was coming to

in my mind there's not much more i can do you're gonna be i mean i'm not in his country this is just my experience with the story so yeah and Yeah. And like, listen, if, if he is the dirt ball that he probably is and you think he is usually these things, like things will come out, you know, eventually where there's smoke, there's fire. Right. And it's like, you don't need to be the crime fighter to take them down. It's going to take up too much of your energy. It's a toxic situation and you're involved in it and,

and you involving yourself, it will only lead to toxic things because it's a toxic situation and you're involved in it and and and you involving yourself it will only lead to toxic things because it's a toxic situation i agree and again like take up any more of my energy like any more of my if information comes your way where you realize that someone is in danger or at risk and you have the means to warn them or warn someone else to warn them by all means do the right thing and help them out. But if you don't have that information, you got to let it go. You know, I agree. I agree. I think it did come to that time for me and just, I wanted to talk it out. That's why I didn't want to put anything out there. You know, I wanted to hear it from your perspective because you are in this kind of industry that you're in so for me it did bring that closure the whole story of yeah being involved

with him just by association even like the past couple of years and then bringing that chapter to a close now it just showed me the kind of person that he is so I don't feel like down the line oh I love I missed out on this great guy that I never got to meet. And I kind of just wanted to see if I was losing something, I guess. Yeah, clearly you weren't. So for me, it just showed that I didn't. Exactly. And then going forward in terms of like, how do you, you know,

I think you wrote in your email, like how you had. Oh, yeah. How to avoid attracting men like this. Yeah. Well, it's not about you attracting. I mean, certainly guys like him, you know, if he is guilty of grooming, part of grooming is actually targeting vulnerable, innocent and naive people. Again, you don't sound like you were vulnerable or naive when you met him. You

sounded very aware about it. That being said, listen, if you're attracted to someone who's in power, who's successful, then you have to be mindful of that, right? And people who are in power sometimes can abuse their power, right? He wouldn't be the first he won't be the last right and that can come in all short sorts of shapes and sizes but you again you have to this is about like trusting yourself and knowing the situation and and knowing that well listen you were young and you met this celebrity but now you've learned that celebrity or not right yeah he can still be a piece of shit. He's just a guy. He's not special. And that's the same with anyone else in power.

So power or not, trust their actions. See, observe how they treat people, treat others, people. You know, it's not bad to be a charmer. But like if you are aware that someone is a charming person, then recognize that they're good at kind of masking some of their things. And quite frankly, it wasn't that good at masking it. You saw the whole time, the red flags. I think it was the coming on strong thing. But the reason why I said, how can I stop attracting this kind of guy because successful or not, my not the ex that I met him with, but the one after that had similarities this kind of coming on really strong and then it works on you you fall for it true yeah it makes you feel special

yeah because there's a party that the guy you're into is feeling the same way that you are about them so you believe those things not only, you want to believe that this successful, powerful guy chose you and he's also the great guy. And so it's the, it's that other part of believing me and that you're good enough to get the prize that everyone else wants. And you think you, you,

you put him on the pedestal, right? You. And so that's great. We all want to respect and love the people we with. We want to, we want to we want to be like oh my god everyone wants them but they want my guy so great my girl's so great of course because you think they are but yeah a ton of other that's your own ego so you have to you know start

having conversations with yourself and where does your ego put you at risk of of of your ego being so much in control that it is silencing your gut and what you know to be right. Like your ego the whole time was winning. Every time you were like, I don't know, like he's probably your ego is like, shut up. He wants you and everyone else could have, and he could have anyone he wants, but he wants you. He's in this moment, he's choosing you. So shut up and enjoy it. So I know that's why I'm like, okay, if he wants to come and see me, great. I'm going to wait for it. Like, fine.

But I did trust my gut. Like I didn't sleep with this guy. Okay. But there were, you still invested a lot of time and energy and that fine, you didn't sleep with him and you can feel good about that. But you did invest in him and you gave him a lot of yourself right

and and you want to avoid doing this in the future so you just need to be mindful of that and pay attention to that and hold yourself accountable and and and take your power back in the sense that like it's good to say i knew better and i chose not to do the thing that i knew better and next time i'm going to do that don't don't put him more on a pedestal be like well he was so powerful and so charming I fell for it you choose you you chose to fall for it you were very self aware during this whole thing and so give yourself the credit you deserve and know that you made these decisions and you allowed your ego to get what it wanted versus what you knew deep down was the thing that was probably best for you.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're right. I want to avoid that. I can see the signs now. It is a learning experience for me, but I'm just happy that I saw, okay, he's not this great guy that I thought he was. But be more careful next time. Just in general. I really think you need to try to go. You haven't let this situation go. So unfollow him. Whatever notes you have. I wanted to say, yeah.

Just lose these numbers. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Drop it. Drop the situation. Don't Google them. Don't pay attention to the story let it work itself out it's not your problem anymore

and any involvement you have is just toxic energy that you're investing into the situation and you might not have slept with him but you're still giving yourself to him by paying attention to this storyline just don't fall for your own bullshit

right yeah I know all right all right well best of luck thanks a lot all right take care you too you too all right bye-bye ship station that's right help your small business out and your customer satisfaction with ship station for any business big or small, ShipStation is the best way to ship your products affordably and efficiently. Whether you're shipping USPS, FedEx, UPS, easily compare prices and carriers and choose the best solution every time. Natural Habits use it, my company, every day with ShipStation and we get the best possible metrics

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I'm 27. Hi, Sarah. How can I help? So I met this guy last year online. He is a little bit older than me. What's a little bit? He, like 10 years. That's fine.

He took me out on a couple dates, probably like two dates. And then after a couple weeks, he kind of ghosted me, didn't hear from him. I reached out, didn't respond. So then I just like left it alone and just moved on with my life started like talking to other people online, going out with other guys about a month later he reached out to me and kind of just like acted like nothing really happened just like was like hey what's up and I didn't respond I waited a few days and then he just kept like reaching out reaching out and I responded back I was like like, hey, super casual. Nothing really happened.

And then I just kind of called him out one day and I was like, so what happened to you the other day? I mean, not the other day, but a month ago. I was like, what happened? He's like, sorry, work was just so busy. I was in an area with no service um because he's a firefighter yeah so like he's a firefighter so like he said that he was like out in a fire with no service so for a whole month yeah i guess so i was like, whatever. And I kind of just like left it alone. And I still like just casual talk here and there, but I still like talk to other guys. Like I just left them like on

the back burner and kind of just did my own thing. I actually met another guy online and like started talking to that guy and we were like actually hitting it off. But like the whole time I was hitting it off with that guy, he would like reach out to me like on snapchat or on instagram and like just comment on like posts or stories text me and i would just ignore him the entire time like didn't respond didn't give him any attention i was actually kind of into that other guy so i was like busy with that um anyways that other guy ends up like you know cheating on me we cut things off and i stopped talking so you were like you were like boyfriend and girlfriend well yeah yeah we i mean yes we were um it only lasted like a month month and a half regardless but you yeah you guys defined a relationship yeah he was like

just kidding i'm gonna have sex yeah so that guy cheated on me. So then this, the guy that I was talking to, like called me just randomly one day and I picked up the phone and he was like, Hey, you know, like I've just been thinking about you nonstop. Like, I really like want to just like see what happens and see where this goes. Like, I really like you. And I just feel like you've been avoiding me. And I was like, well, yeah, like to be honest with you, like I'm like you and I just feel like you've been avoiding me and I was like well yeah like to be honest with you like I'm looking for something serious like I'm a single mom I have a daughter I'm not trying to like play games you know I'm looking for something like long-term marriage material and um he was like no like I be honest with you like I have been like hooking up with other girls and like seeing other women and I just feel so empty and I don't

want to do that anymore I want something serious I want something real and the only person I could think about doing it with is you so I was like okay so I mean we'll give it a shot like we'll take things slow we started off as friends we hung out seeing each other every once in a while then we started seeing each other a lot more in December he asked me to be his girlfriend I said yes he did tell me that like he was going to go on a snowboarding trip starting January, and he was going to be gone for six weeks. And I was like, all right, cool. Anyways, he goes on his trip, talks to me the entire trip, calls me, FaceTimes me, texts me every single day, sends me pictures, blah, blah, blah. blah gets back from his trip we see each other

you know hanging out um introduces me to all his friends when he gets back we hang out with his friends and then just randomly like starts getting weird with me one day and then says that he um doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore this is like march of this year um says that he doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore. This is like March of this year. Says that he doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore. He realizes that he wants to be single. And he just wants to go and live the single life. And I said, like, what made you come up with this conclusion?

Like, all of a sudden you know like you told me back in November that you wanted to be serious and you weren't trying to play games and you were done with the single life and he was like yeah that's just my decision and that's what I want so I was like all right find out from his friends a couple weeks after his friend contacts me and tells me like hey i just want you to know like don't waste your time with him like the whole time you guys are together was it a girl or a guy i'm just curious a guy all right a guy um he was like don't waste your time with him the whole time he's been in a relationship with you he's been cheating on you

and he told us hey just make her think that we're in a relationship when you hang out with her i told her we're in a relationship let her believe that so his friend told me all that and I was just like what the heck and then he told me that he was cheating on me the entire time so what I just must have really hurt oh yeah 100 especially like me giving this guy another chance after he came back to me the second time like with confidence, like I wanted to like trust him, you know, and like just give it a shot. But then when he did that to me, I just felt like betrayed and I felt like played and manipulated. And when I called him out on that, I eventually like reached out to him and I was like, hey, like, you know, the the whole time like you were cheating on me in the relationship and you know what's going on he was like I'm sorry you deserve better maybe you should just put the energy that you're giving

into me into like someone that does deserve you because I'm not deserving of you um but like weeks months before he was telling me that he loves me like i was the best girlfriend he ever had how did that make you feel when you said that about you should find someone more deserving i don't even know what that means because well it doesn't mean anything but i'm just curious how it made you feel because it affected you and you paid attention to it and you listened to that but i'm just curious how it made you i i kind of just like didn't believe it because if because i feel like if someone tells you that it's like okay then like what's wrong with me like if you think like i'm this awesome person and i'm just like so good and not deserving of if you're not deserving of me like why are you then pushing

me away i mean it just didn't make any sense to me yeah a couple things one like he just sounds like he's like he sucks right so there's that but in a from a more general standpoint for anyone listening like we all have a hard time and it's our egos i talk about ego a lot a lot but like you can be all those things. Great, kind, wonderful, beautiful, great mother, smart, intelligent, but that doesn't make you the right person for everyone just because you're great. Right. So like you can be simultaneously amazing in general and not right for anyone at the

same time. Right. and not right for anyone at the same time, right? So, you know, we want, because we want this person who's saying that we're awesome and amazing, we oversimplify and think, well, then why don't you want me? Or what else do you want me to do?

But that's just something people say because they don't want to feel like the bad guy in the moment. Yeah, I kind of felt like he was just kind of saying that to just make me feel bad. I don't want to feel like the bad guy in the moment. Yeah, I kind of felt like he was just kind of saying that to just make me feel bad. I don't know. I don't think he really gave a shit about how you felt, to be honest.

If this is the type of person who can... It's one thing to cheat and lie, and as humans, we're kind of weak, just weak people, and it's easy for us to lie to ourselves, et cetera, et cetera. And good people can do bad things. But this is a guy who vocalized and verbalized to his friends his plan in a way, this kind of Machiavellian, like, I want her to believe this so I can get what I want out of her.

But just so you know, like like that's not what's going on etc etc that it took it takes a special kind of shitty person to do that yeah and i don't really think i think you just need to be careful about not judging yourself because once in a while listen there are shitty selfish people out there who whatever bullshit they're going through or attachment disorders. And I don't you know, I'm not trying to diagnose this guy other than he sucks. Right. Yeah. That's all you really need to know.

And once you know he sucks and he's capable of doing things you would never want anyone to do to anyone or certainly to yourself. And you take pride in how that you i'm assuming you take pride in the fact that you wouldn't do that to someone right yeah so once you can feel like i wouldn't do that to anyone i wouldn't even want my enemy to want to do that to me then that's all the information you need about someone to say i don't give a shit about what he says this is someone who's yeah so i think what's confusing to me is like i told you from the beginning like the second time around when i took you back why well i said like don't play games like i'm looking for something serious and if you are like i'm not interested like i don't want to

talk to you and he's like no no no like i'm serious and then like the whole time he's cheating on me and supposedly he there was like three other women and his friend told me like the reason why like we went out one night and he told his friends before i showed up he was like hey this one thinks yeah he sucks but like here's the thing here's what you can when you're telling the story a little alarm went off for me right because you told me how your day in the sky and then he ghosted you and you know not that ghosting is okay but it's becoming unfortunately more of a norm with everyone and so you called him out he made up some bullshit excuse about cell phone reception and and fighting fires and clearly he wasn't seeing that for a month. And then you, when he reached back out, you know, try to address the situation good for you.

And you set some boundaries about like what you want and what you don't want. And without really giving it some thought, he was like, oh, no, no, no. I want that. And I want that with you. You're the only person I think I can have that with. Well, don't you think those two things don't really, that doesn't match, right? Some guy who a month ago had no problem ghosting you, right? And now a month later, nothing's happened between the two of you in between, but now he's sure that you're the one he wants to be with. That's a bit extreme. So I'll go in specific as far as like the timeframe.

So when he ghosted me me that was in the beginning of july and then he contacted me towards the end of august but that's when i was still distant i was talking to other guys and it respond and then in november of that year is when like we officially like talked on the phone and was like okay like yeah so we'll give it a shot from july to november nothing really happened between the two of you we never saw each other that would give it a shot. So from July to November, nothing really happened between the two of you. We never saw each other. That would give him a justifiable reason to be able to say to you,

I know that you're the person I want to start being serious with. But you didn't go, wait, that doesn't make sense. You were just like, well, that's so great to hear. He wants, I said what I want. So hard to say, so hard to put myself out there, so hard to hear. He wants, I said what I want. So hard to say, so hard to put myself out there, so hard to set boundaries. We talk about this all the time. And you got the answer you wanted, even though that answer was a little too much, right? He kind

of over-promised, right? And it sounded like an over-promise. There was no, you know, the right answer would be to say, I hear you. Thanks for letting me know. I know I fucked up and I know I have all these reasons why. But if you're willing to take a risk on me, I'd like to start getting to know you. But just know that I do want to commit to trying to get to know you. But he didn't say that. He was like, you're the only person I could see myself being a better person for. That's just a line.

That's just bullshit. You can look back on what you could have done or seen differently and just pay attention to what he says. It didn't add up, right? Yeah. Like an alarm bell should have gone off in your head being like, I mean, that was so nice to hear, but like, how does he know that? That's why I told him like, okay, we'll take things slow.

And that's why we were like friends for like a good month. And then end of December, you know, we made it official because he said he's not talking to anyone else. He wants to, you know, make it official with me. And then in March, you know, we tell each other, well, I told him that I love him. And then he told me the same, that he loves me. And then April comes out with this.

And I'm just like, how do you go from like saying that you love me to then now like saying, you know what? I just want to live the single life now. It's just like whoa like what changed and actually nothing changed right because you know the truth right the truth is he never really stopped never loved me well yeah sure yeah because the only you know but all that changed is he he got tired of lying right he got tired of trying to hide it from you he was always living the single life he just got tired of pretending to want this the same life that you had so he just got tired of lying

you know nothing nothing changed you know and yes that makes sense i'm sorry that you know you developed feelings for a guy who was probably only capable of loving himself at this point, right? Mm-hmm. And he was incredibly selfish and he was manipulative and obviously that damaged you and hurt you and there's not much you can really get from that. You just have to accept that you were hurt and that you were played and and all those things and and try to just forgive yourself and there's really nothing

to forgive but you just kind of feel stupid and let off yeah how could you believe that this happened to me and i would not try to get any answers from him like what you know is there a sense from you that you want closure or answers from him or the why did you do this no because when i try to do that with him like two weeks ago all he could say is i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry you deserve better that's all he never even admitted to cheating when i called him out on it he literally just said sorry there was like sometimes where like I did suspect cheating and I just like held my tongue and left it alone. I was like, I just need to trust him.

And I just like need to just like not say anything and just like let it go. And I guess I just should have just trusted my gut because it came out at the end that he was. I have no doubt that you have a lot of love to give someone right and i have no doubt that you're anxious to give that person all this love that you so much want to give someone but you can't love someone for the both of you right and you were it's just like well and that's in a way like why you're still kind of persistent it's just like

because i loved him so much and i was willing to give so much, right? And that was kind of making up for what he wasn't giving you. And you got to let that go. I mean, you really, you never should ever say to yourself or to friends or to strangers that you love him. You can accept that you loved him

or that you felt love, but again, focus on the fact that you never really had a chance to love him because he never really showed you who he truly was. And so you just need to stop creating that narrative in your head because that's gonna be what puts you at risk of taking him back, someone you know isn't good for you,

that you don't wanna end up with. And then if you do say yes to him, he's only going to hurt you again like 100 percent not 99 percent like 100 percent right right so yeah no you're right so gotta let that go and i know it's sad and it doesn't say anything bad about you like you should be happy that you have so much love to give someone but give it to someone who deserves it right and it doesn't say anything about you that you got played or manipulated you you're not a fool or a dummy or you shouldn't have known better like yeah you could have been better at looking at the signs and when those signs show up don't tell yourself don't ignore it and don't say like well i love him and there's no

way if you know if i love him this much he wouldn't do this to me and your self-worth isn't based off of love that people give you your self-worth is love how how much love you give yourself i'm so reluctant to say this but there's some narcissistic tendencies going on with this guy. Most specifically, not so much that he lied, manipulated, and cheated, but it's more the grandiose gesture of, I know this is you now. I know you're the one person I want to be with, which is insane, right? And people who are narcissistic have kind of really make really grand proclamations and statements and love bomb and things like that. And either way, like that's not who cares whether he is or isn't. But there were plenty of signs that told you this guy wasn't who he says he was and he didn't want what he said he wanted. You just weren't listening. I wasn't who he says he was and he didn't want what he said he wanted. You just weren't listening.

Yeah. And I think the main thing you said was he was tired of like lying and hiding things because he was cheating on me and he knew I was probably catching on to it. And that's, that's why he wanted to just break up. Yeah. And that was probably the most honest thing he's ever said to you. Yeah.

And that's what you should listen to. Right. And if he does change it won't be for a very long time and it won't be without therapy and it won't be without you know a lot of self-reflection and uh that's the thing too he said that he enrolled in therapy but never went to a therapy session and you know that's great but like people like oh i went to therapy just because you signed up for therapy or saw a therapist for like four or five times doesn't mean you change that shit takes years right takes time so you gotta let this go and i guess again i've already said this but the biggest takeaway is never say to yourself or anyone else that you love him, you know, because you're done with that,

and that's holding you back. Awesome. Well, thanks, Nick. All right. Well, best of luck. You're going to be okay. I know it's tough, but all the power is in your court. Just give yourself the power and recognize it and take it back and you're going to be okay.

Sounds good. Thank you. All right. Take care. Bye-bye. Bye. How's it going? I'm good.

How are you? Great. What's your name? I'm Nicole. Hi, Nicole. How old are you? I am 39 and live in Iowa. Awesome.

How can I help? Discover your podcast via TikTok and it's been a lifesaver these past couple weeks. Great to hear. So would you like me to start from the beginning with this person? It's been ongoing. Okay. So I met him on A Day to Nap in January of 2019. Hit it off really well.

A lot in common. Kind of was in that talking stage for pretty much all of 2019 hit it off really well lot in common um kind of was in that talking stage for pretty much all of 2019 um anytime i'd bring up being exclusive um it was he doesn't have time um he's just busy with school he's a teacher so how old is he? 30. When we met, he was 30. So we're about a five-year age difference. Okay. And understood that, you know, kind of always made excuses for not being able to hang out on the weekends. He needed to have time with his family, worked on a farm, this and that. Would always ask, hey, where are we at? What are we

doing? We're still in the talking stage, but it's more, we'll get there. Okay, cool. Well, right before Christmas that year, I got a snap from him and I thought it was just a normal chat, you know, hey, what's up? And it was a screenshot of a text message between him and this other woman saying that they were boyfriend girlfriend um and had been for a couple months and she was making sure that he was legit with her and of course he's saying yes i was you're the only one he sent this to her yeah. So what, he like accidentally sent it to you? No, she hacked his Snapchat account and sent it to myself

and probably numerous other women on his Snapchat. Okay, sure. So it was a screenshot of her message with her phone number. And of course, I was trying to figure out what the hell was going on. So I texted her and said, who is this? What's going on? She told me her name and that they had been boyfriend, girlfriend for a couple months.

And she just didn't feel like something was right. and she just didn't feel like something was right. So we chatted, got an earful that he was in love with her and was going to move to where she lived, which is about an hour from where I'm at. Met her kid, wanted to start a life with her. So obviously I was a little devastated and shocked with that and cut off ties with him for about a week and then he messaged me on Christmas saying Merry Christmas started kind of talking a little

bit he said he was broke he's broken and he messed up and wanted to did he know did he know that you had this conversation at this point? He did. Yeah. You brought it up to him or, or you, she, what, how did it happen? She was actually at his house while he was at a game.

And so she did this while being at his place. Okay. So when he came home, you know, he figured out what happened. And I also spouted off some profanities towards him. Uh, and did she leave him? So no, uh, she also stayed with him. Okay. So, uh,

new year's Eve comes, you know, new year's Eve, they go do their thing. New year's morning at 7am. I start getting blown up messages from him that it's over with her and he's messed you know i messed up i'm broke this and that um broke as in like emotionally broke not financially yeah i asked him like wow do you need some money he's like no i'm not i'm okay financially um and a few days go by we're talking and i i'm at home i'm in bed like a saturday morning and i get a facetime from him so i you know i perk up i'm like hey it is him and her on his couch um to and just sitting there and we have this apparently coming to jesus talk

i was blindsided by that because he had said that she was no longer in the picture. But she said she met his parents that night before. That should have been a premonition of what 2020 was going to be like for me. So after that. So like the three of you having this weird FaceTime conversation. Yeah. Is it like a two against one kind of thing? I don't know what her intentions were.

It was, I think making to see what his reaction, if he was actually going to tell the truth at some point, having both of us. Um, but that's just not my style. I'm not going to gang up on somebody and I'm not gonna. Sure.

I mean, I started to cry because I was just upset at the whole situation that I was put in, but yeah, she just unleashed and was on you. It was. Yeah. And then unleashed on him.

What did you do wrong in her eyes? Because I was still in communication with him, but I didn't know that they were still together I was told that they weren't yeah I mean he's just playing you guys off each other right yeah so what's your question where are you at so we're right now

I left situation we got back together talking in April of last year talk text snap whatever every day so wait wait hold on you this in April of last year, talk, text, snap, whatever. Every day. So wait, wait, hold on. This threesome phone call happened and then you stopped talking

and then you started talking again? Yeah. And how did that start and why? He added me back on Snapchat and said, hey, I miss you. I'm miserable. I wanted to reach out to you so many times just to talk about anything in general. And I fell for it.

What were you doing in between the FaceTime threesome phone call and when you reached out? Were you dating? Were you just hurting and waiting? Yeah, I was focusing a lot on my job. That was keeping me pretty busy along with some family. And I have been working on myself as far as I've gone to therapy. I'm diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and major depression. So for me, it was a step back to try and regroup and focus on myself.

I did drink a lot. I'm not going to lie during those few months as well. But yeah, I thought I was good. And then he came back with the I'm sorry, you know, I messed up. I want you in my life again. We always had good conversations, that kind of thing. And I went for it. and I went for it. Saw him. He said he wanted to have a serious talk over the summer,

which we did. And his words were he wanted to build with me and he wanted to be upfront, honest with me and make more time for me, which I thought was, okay, now we're heading in a better direction. Maybe he's changed. Didn't see him until... What made you think he changed just because

i mean because it this seems to be a pattern of him saying how bad he's doing without you periodically which he also said way back when so like what what changed in your mind just hope yeah you just hope i i thought i like to see the good in people or at least try to and i thought that he had changed and that going through what he went well the three of them you know what i went through with him you know said he broke it broke him and he was broken into a million pieces and i um i believe that and so i thought it was genuine um fast forward to where we're at now um mother's day weekend i still not, I was having doubts where he was. Um, you know, the communication on the weekends would be little to none. He said he was at his parents' house on the farm, this and that, um, which I believed. So I had nothing else to worry about. But I tried to call him out Sunday and say, where were you?

Were you at your parents? And he snapped back with, yes, I was at my parents. It was Mother's Day weekend. I know where I was. Okay. Left it at that. Monday morning, there was always this person's name that was in his phone that was on a text. And when I would ask him about her, it was a buddy from college.

And I looked her up on Facebook and her relationship status was in a relationship, but it didn't have anybody's name on it. was in a relationship, but it didn't have with anybody's name on it. I Facebook messaged her and asked who she was in a relationship with. And she wasn't very forthcoming. So I had to give her the name and send her a screenshot of a pic of him. And she came back with that they had been together, boyfriend, girlfriend, for the past five years. And wanted to know how long I had been talking to them.

And I said two and a half years. And yeah. Okay, so where are you now? I'm in a weird spot because I have feelings for him and it's hard to just turn them off. But what, what are these feelings and what is hard to turn off? Being in love with somebody that you, I guess I thought was this great guy.

What, how long have you thought he was this great guy what how long have you thought he was a great guy and why because you would tell me he was sure but what did he show you I mean listen I think it just you're still going to therapy yeah

great awesome that takes time yeah you just seem like a patient person You're still going to therapy? Yeah. Great. Awesome. That takes time. Yeah. You just seem like. I'm an impatient person too. Yeah. And listen, you're lacking a little confidence and you're a little feel down on your luck. And I think, you know, you just keep going to therapy, but you need to like, and I know it's easier said than done, but you kind of have to start getting yourself some tough

love, you know, and stop feeling sorry for yourself a little bit and stop giving him so much power and control over your happiness. You've like you've basically given them the keys to your happiness and saying, like, here, you're in charge whether I'm happy or not. And I guess I'll just wait around for you to make me happy. And no one, even in the healthiest relationship, should be at the mercy of their partner for being in total control of their happiness. Like you need to be able to find happiness within yourself and whether that's through your own hobbies or friends

or just feeling your best self. And that's great that you recognize that you have social anxiety disorder or that you maybe you drank a little bit too much but like if you can recognize it then you have a chance to do something about it and that maybe that's a a or whatever and like you know i know these things are difficult and they take time but you just start looking in the mirror and saying like i need to ask more of myself i need to be in charge of my happiness i need to stop giving you know the keys out to other people and and expecting them to make me happy right because you say things like i thought i was in love with him like you weren't he's not we we've talked about this already in this episode in terms of like love is reciprocated. There's what you say.

I thought he was. You stop. Stop confusing hope with I thought. Right. You say I thought and that implies that there were reasons for you to think something that there was evidence to suggest that you had a like a reason to think something you know you were given data and that data tell you well you know based on the data i have i should be able to think this and he gave you literally no data nothing so what did you do you hoped and you said hope was enough for you to think right i can hope i want a million dollars but i have no reason to

think i'm going to leave you know the studio and buy a lottery ticket and win. I can hope all I want, but that doesn't give me any reason I have a chance to do that. Right? Yeah. Right. And you're confusing hope with actual evidence that you should think. So you got to, little things like changing your wording to yourself and what you say to yourself. Stop saying, I thought this because you didn't think that you hoped that. And that hope got you into a rut of constantly waiting on him and giving him all this power. Right. Yeah. I think you need to allow yourself to be a little bit mad at yourself.

And that's OK. And face that. And don't dwell on it. Don't let ruminate in it. You can be angry with yourself and not feel sorry for yourself at the same time. And anger allows you to say, I know I'm better than this. I can expect more from myself. I can expect more respect. And I had a lot of information to expect so I could

but I just kept ignoring myself I stopped I didn't take the keys back he gave me all this information these other women gave me this information but like I wanted to win I wanted to be the one he loved the most out of all these women I wanted him to choose me and all these things that allowed

yourself to like keep going on this rabbit hole you had literally had no information to go on so stop giving him so much credit by saying you loved him right stop saying he was a you know he was never a great guy ever at times he might have been able to pretend he was a great guy he might have been able to seem he was a great guy. He might have been able to seem like he was a great guy in moments. But like what he is is a liar and a manipulator and a deceitful person who apparently needs to do this with multiple people. I mean, this guy is a goddamn mess. He's dangerous and he's been dangerous to you. But you've allowed this to go on so long.

You admitted to this mess. I'd like you to just start convincing yourself that you are capable. You are, you're a young, beautiful person and you have a lot, but you have to start expecting more for yourself. You have to stop feeling sorry for yourself and you have to take those keys back and you got to start being in charge of your own happiness and you can do that. those keys back and you got to start being in charge of your own happiness and you can do that and and you got to say no to this guy stop making excuses for him completely cut him off stop like like hit like stop allowing someone just because he feels bad or he's he can be broken without you he'll figure it out it's not your job to make him happy you can't possibly make this guy happy i don't know what's going to make this guy happy.

It's not going to be you. It's not going to be anyone else. Right. And you can't get happiness from trying to make him happy or trying to win. And I think that's been the hardest thing is that my personality is that I want to make everybody happy. But you got to make, you're not happy. How can you make anyone else happy if you're not happy doesn't you know you need to be able to give us and an understanding to him and and like you said not reciprocating anything ever um i i hate saying i missed all the red flags you

know never got taken out on a date yeah well there you go you need to start loving yourself expecting more for yourself being a little bit more selfish like you i think quite honestly when you say like i just want to make everyone happy it's because you're too afraid to make yourself happy and focus on yourself and you feel like you need someone else in your life to make you feel happy and you don't right and you gotta change that narrative in your in your mind that you somehow need someone to make you feel happy. There's so many things that you can do to take pride in. Cutting down the drinking, working on your mental health,

being your best physical self, find a hobby, a passion that you're into that you take pride in, whether it's work or outside of work or things that you can do for your friends. So many things that you can take pride in. so many things that you can take pride in start finding things that you can be proud of yourself for that have only to do with you and really focus on that and then be very selective who you allow in your world right and and don't let their sad stories or their own you know you need someone who's strong and

doesn't need fixing and doesn't need help and And like, they can be sad if you leave them, but like, you know, especially don't fall for someone who is broken because of their own choices. You know, like he was like, oh, I'm broken. I need you. I've changed. It's just like, well, you know, change. Great. But like, I can't, not for me. Right. You had your shot, you know, and you just kept waiting around for him. So. I was committed in a non-committed relationship. Yeah.

Or not in a relationship. You just need to be really committed to yourself. You've really, you've really been ignoring your own needs and yourself and you really haven't been prioritizing yourself or loving yourself. And you've given, like, again, the biggest thing is you made him responsible for feeling all the love that you wanted to feel and you you have to be responsible

for that more than anyone else and until you can do that then you're going to be seeking out people who want he and he liked that he liked that power of feeling like he was in charge of you feeling loved. You got to find that within yourself. So stay with the therapy, you know, challenge yourself. It's okay to be sad, but don't, don't let yourself pity yourself. You know, start changing your narrative of head. I can do this. I'm capable. I'm strong. Like, you know, kind of those mantras, like actually say that out loud into yourself and believe it. Cause you, you, you you you you can you just uh you got to give yourself some tough love um and and stop with the kind of the self pity and then and stay stay the course with some of this other stuff and and cut out all the toxic things in your life start fresh in june yeah that's fine so all right you're gonna be okay

you're still young you have a lot you know like don't go backwards go forwards i know you know June? Yeah, that's fine. So, all right. You're going to be okay. You're still young. You have a lot, you know, like, don't go backwards. Go forwards. I know, you know, I've said this before, but like, stick with it and you're going to be okay. But you really, I promise you, you have so much control of the situation that you don't want to take on. You know? It's hard for me to even just delete them. Yeah, do that.

Stop fucking being a backseat driver. Like, you know, be the hard for me to even just delete them. Yeah. Do that. Stop fucking being a backseat drive. Like, you know, be the driver in your own life. Stop letting other people, you know, be in control of the direction your life goes, get behind the wheel,

start taking charge. And that it's really up to you. All right. Yeah, I can do that. All right. I believe in you. Well, thanks for the input i i've been watching your tiktoks and your words and i am today really helped well i really

appreciate it but like it's on you like stop it's it's you have this control okay got it all right bye-bye thanks how's it going good how are you so great thanks for asking how can i help i'm crystal i'm 24 and i've been dating this guy casually for two months and i'm just kind of wanting to know he still has dating apps and I'm kind of wanting to take that step forward but I'm not quite rated to be his girlfriend so like but I don't want him to have these dating apps anymore because it doesn't make me feel great so your only concern is getting him off dating apps um and kind of just being like only wanting to date me i guess or like having that conversation about being more exclusive but not wanting him or like leading

him to believe i want to be his girlfriend because i'm not ready for that either does that make sense well i mean i i yes the question makes sense but I'm trying to make sense of what actually you want and trying to figure out why you're not ready to be his girlfriend, but you also want to limit his ability to keep dating. Well, I don't know. I guess maybe I am ready. I'm just kind of like talking myself out of it. So I feel like. I'm just kind of like talking myself out of it. So I feel like maybe I'm like not. If he called you up and be like, hey, I think you're amazing. Will you want to be my girlfriend?

What would you say? Yes. Okay. So then you want him to be your boyfriend. That's okay. Why are you trying to take yourself out of it? I think just because I'm not sure if like i've been holding myself back in what like the relationship we've had so far just because like we've been dating other people so there's

not been like a hundred percent towards him where i think i feel like maybe there should be at least a little bit of time that's a hundred percent towards figuring out if this relationship could work before there's like that title on it i mean titles whatever you know um you're not you're not asking him to marry you you're not even asking him yeah no just in you know i'm living proof that you can get engaged it doesn't mean all that much that all being said yeah like you've been dating for two months. How much are you guys hanging out? Like once or twice a week. Once or twice a week? Are you hooking up?

Yeah. Yeah. And you know he is on the dating apps because you've asked him about it or like you see him out there still like Eric? No, we were cooking dinner one time and i had the recipe on his phone because he's the one that pulled it up and a notification it's like new tinder match okay so have you suggested i haven't really asked about it have you have you had any conversations whatsoever no he hasn't said anything like i'm not looking for a girlfriend right now or nothing like that

no like no we're just kind of like going with the flow i guess you could call it okay well so it's like weird for me to bring it up you're asking if it's weird yeah no no it's a little scary i'm sure yeah right i mean yeah um but yeah i i like i've said this i don't think you should ask i think you should tell them what you want yeah and that makes sense and and don't be passive like say what you want and what you don't want you don't really care about the dating apps i mean you care but that's implied with the like yeah you know like hey i like you i want to be exclusive with you i don't want to see other people i hope you feel the same way about me yeah if he says yes then you're like great awesome and then invoke some trust that he if he's going to say yes is going to like get off the dating apps yeah um

right yeah but like finding one thing that is gonna say you know like oh i don't want to ask him to be my boyfriend yet but i want him to get off dating apps because that will give me a sign that i should feel more comfortable to eventually ask him to be my boyfriend but i'm just gonna like just do the dating app thing because i'll be honest that to me uh saying i like you and i want you to be my boyfriend sounds better and sounds healthier than telling him what you don't want him to do it kind of comes across as a bit controlling i don't want you to go on dating apps i don't want you to you know like yeah especially if you say things like it's just like you first called up and said well you know i don't know i don't want to i don't want to be boyfriend and girlfriend yet that's nuts but i do want to stop him from being able

to go on dating apps so i want to control him without being able to go on dating apps. So I want to control him without being able to commit to him. Weirdly enough, that's not even what you want, but that's kind of what you were wanting to say, right? I just didn't know how to phrase my question. I know, but think about how confusing that can be, especially when you're trying to start a relationship and the kind of mindset you can present to him of being someone who wants to control his actions without wanting to commit which is literally the exact same thing the exact same thing you don't want him to do to you yeah so just get some courage and say i like you we're having a great time don't ask just say how does it feel how do you think about this none of that

crap you know okay i think you're great i'm having such a great time with you i want to keep doing Just say, how does it feel? How do you think about this? None of that crap. You know? Okay. I think you're great. I'm having such a great time with you. I want to keep doing more of this. I want to hang out with you like more than once or twice a week. And I like you have to want to stop dating other people. And if he doesn't say, if he's like, well, I don't know.

Like, I like you. But like if he says, but pay very close attention to that because but is his answer if he says but that means he's not on the same page if he says but now that doesn't mean he likes you he just might how old is he 26 okay so he's like right in that kind of wheelhouse of there's a good chance he's like enjoying making money and having some freedom and, you know, being a bit of a fuck boy, whatever. Right. And sometimes we have. Yeah. And sometimes we just have to, like, take the fuck boy out of them.

Right. By showing him that you're not like everyone else and everyone else is going to hear but and go oh well i tried but like let's keep hanging out and having sex and like i said before just be chill right oh and then pay attention when he says but right just know that that's not what he he that's he doesn't he certainly doesn't want it as much as you now it doesn't mean he can't get there but he's only gonna get there by you accepting his answer and then not giving him more than you're willing to give and accepting less than you want so you just say all right well i understand i'm bummed i am but like yeah sorry like we definitely should probably like slow this down. And no matter what he says afterwards,

well, why do you gotta, don't let him accuse you. If he starts accusing you of things like, well, why do you gotta be like that? Be like what? Be like someone who like knows what they want and doesn't wanna feel confusion or go on dating apps. I'm like, I'm not judging you. It's totally cool that you wanna go on a date and that's fine.

But like, what else is there to do you know like we're having sex like i don't want to worry about having to get an std test or like honestly like safe sex but like maybe you know like no condoms kind of thing you know but you definitely shouldn't do that if you don't know if he's not sleeping with other people yeah i agree i don't want to worry about that and i don't think you want to worry about that either. No, I don't think so. So just pay very close attention. Because you're going to say, I believe in you,

you're going to be like, this is what I want. And then pay attention to what he says. And if he says, I like you, but, then don't try to convince him, right? Yeah. Just be like, okay, great. But it doesn't change to convince him. Right. Yeah. Just be like, okay, great.

That's, but it doesn't change what I want, but that's okay. Yeah. Um, let me know if you change your mind. Bye. It'll,

it'll, and, and, and, and, and just keep it like, and then he'll like, it'll fuck them up a little bit and he'll reach out back and just, he's, yeah, I feel like he'll be shocked that you're not trying a little bit and he'll reach out back and just, he's.

Yeah, I feel like he'll be shocked that you're not trying to convince them. Yes. Almost. He will. Now you got to be careful because he's going to come back regardless if that's what he wants either way. Yeah. But you just really got to pay attention to what he says. That's good advice.

There's no, there's no, like it's, it's really simple, right? This is not a complicated thing you just want no him to not date other women and you want him to like call you his girlfriend you know or like uh you know like if it's you know if he's one of those guys look well you know girlfriend why do we put a label on it like fine i don't want you to deal with other women and i don't want to deal with other guys i want a commitment and that's like it's been two months you've been hanging on a regular basis you've been sleeping with each other you can always break up listen if it doesn't work up we'll break up like i'm not asking you to marry me don't let him over complicate it don't let him make you feel

like you're asking a lot because you're not okay right i guess yeah that's definitely i felt like i'm like asking for like kind of like you're saying like i'm not asking him to marry me but that's kind of how it like it feels asking it because it's scary sure i totally get it but it shouldn't be i mean like no yeah what happened where we where did we get so much access through dating apps to date other people that like not fucking other people was like a lot to ask yeah that's a good point right but yeah so when you say it there's like i mean he's a 26 year old dude who's on dating apps he's probably gonna be like oh fuck the ride's over all right and so he's gonna be like you know yeah uh but that doesn't mean he can't get there but

you know just be be chill about it and uh you'll figure it out uh anything else are we are we good let's say we've been skiing and hiking and making dinner together just saying that we've done a lot of stuff together. Yeah. Like we're not just hooking up. Like we actually go on like dates and do stuff. Exactly. It's like, I don't have,

how do you have the energy to do that with more than one person? I don't know. Right? I don't. There you go. Perfect. There you go. don't you there you go so there you go and um yeah if he and if he doesn't give you the answer you want then he's not who you want he's he's not who you think he might be you know that's the

thing it's like we spend all this energy being afraid of what they might say and yet you say you want him to be your boyfriend well why do you want him to be your boyfriend if he's not going to give you the answer that you want? I mean, clearly the person you want to date wants to date you. Yep, that was easy. Just right there to the point. All right, you're going to be okay. But yeah, just do that.

Just don't overcomplicate it and don't let them make you think that you're asking more than what you are i can do that thank you and don't try to convince don't try to convince him of anything i won't do that yeah i promise it'll make him it'll make him feel powerful and we don't want him to feel powerful right now no we don't i, unless he's your boyfriend, then you can give him all the power. Okay. All right? I'll keep that in mind. All right, best of luck.

Thank you so much. All right, take care. Thank you. Well, what a great episode. Thanks for listening, everybody. I hope we helped save your life. I'm talking to all the people who called in. I appreciate you guys calling in.

And for those of you listening, hopefully you found this beneficial. If nothing else, entertaining. We always appreciate you listening. Don't forget to send your questions at asknicacastme.com. Cast with a K. And if there's nothing else,

we will see you tomorrow. you