The Viall Files - E277 Ask Nick - You See Failure As Wrong

Episode Date: June 14, 2021

On today's episode of Ask Nick we begin with a woman who is going through a divorce, and an ex that "got away” has reached out. Unfortunately, he is showing the same patterns from 10 years ago. Next, we speak to someone who loves her boyfriend of 5 years and wants to move in with him but he is a hoarder and she does not know how to manage that for her future. Our third caller has realized that her husband has been gaslighting her, and he wants to have another child but she is hesitant given the current state of their relationship and communication. Lastly, we speak with a young man who after having left the Mormon church has been having a hard time approaching sex in a hook-up culture. “You said 'now I am invested' not 'now I am in love.'” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  For merch please visit www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Sunday: http://www.getsunday.com/VIALL to get $20 off your custom lawn plan at checkout.  Betterhelp: http://www.betterhelp.com/VIALLFILES listeners get 10% off their first month.  Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

you're crazy what's going on everybody welcome to another truly amazing episode of the vile files ask nick edition we have a really great episode for you. As always, I like to think, and we so appreciate you guys tuning in to listen to us and to listen to our callers share their stories, and hopefully we're all learning a little bit. So whether you've been with us for a long time

or you're new to this show, we thank you and keep telling your friends. We are really excited about growing this show to even bigger and better things. And it's all on you guys. We really appreciate it, and we have you guys to thank. We have a jam-packed week this week. If you are currently watching The Bachelor, Bachelorette, we will be back tonight for a recapping episode two

with the wonderful, hystericalather mcdonald who also hosts a date this episode so we'll get the inside scoop from heather and then on wednesday a really great episode with a wonderful lady named tanks uh if you are on the old tiktok or instagram she's been making some waves this past year. She is an insightful, smart, funny person who likes to talk a lot about relationships with her audience. And it was a really great conversation, and you won't want to miss that. So, yeah, thanks for choosing us. And, yeah, we got merch, wildfiles.com.

Check it out. So, anyway, let's get to our call-out. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Hi, Amanda, 29. Hi, Amanda. How can I help? I am going through a divorce right now.

I have two toddlers. So that's fine. Like we were together for a few years. Something's happened and we've been over for a while now um but one of my exes has reached out to me and um we had met like 10 years ago now I think it was and he was kind of just like always the person that I like went back to, you know, like if I was ever in trouble or ever needed anything or we kind of just like always found our way back to each other throughout the years. But he would always say that he had commitment issues, like he would pick fights and then leave and then come back. So I think that's kind of like what he's doing this time. When we started talking, he was like, you know, I regret leaving and I should have known that you were the one

when, you know, back then when when we were together all those years on and off. And he kind of like love bond me in the beginning. And just said, like, you were the one like, I just need another chance. And then I was like, I don't know, maybe. And I was kind of pushing him away. Like, I don't really trust you. I don't really trust what you're saying. And then he pretty much just kept on with it. So I started to believe him. And once I started to like, get invested into it, he started to pull away. And he was just like, well, you know, because we live a couple hours away from each other, like about three hours. So it's like a day trip, you know, to see each other.

And I he was like, I can't really like see you. I can only see you like maybe every other weekend, I can't really see you. I can only see you maybe every other weekend, maybe. And I can't really make plans. And I was like, well, I mean, I'm a single mom. I need to know. I need to know, are we doing this or are we not? I need to plan ahead.

I need to get a babysitter for the kids and stuff. And so he's got me invested. And now it's just kind of like up in the air. Like we're kind of just like we start fighting with each other. It's kind of like a miscommunication. And at this point, I'm kind of he kind of just says, like, you're too sensitive. You need too much attention. You're too needy. Because like I want him to like text me and see how my day is going and see me once a week.

Like I wanted him to commit to seeing me one day a week. And he couldn't do that. And then so he'll tell me he's coming. And so I'll get ready and everything. And then he just like won't show up. But sometimes he will show up. Yeah. Okay.

So what's your what's your question? So I guess it's like at what what point do I just say like enough is enough, you know? And and how do you know that you're actually not the toxic one? You know, like he says I'm too needy and I need too much and I need too much attention. And like maybe that's true. Like I have like an anxious attachment style where I'm like I need reassurance. Because you want to hang out with the person you're trying to date. Yeah.

That's like in his mind what he taught. It's easy to convince me. It's easy to convince me it's easy to convince me that's me and my fault my problem you know and i'm just too much i just need too much yeah i mean clearly obviously he's gaslighting you right and so you know gaslighting works and and i can't control him and he's not on his call but i can tell you what you did wrong you had 10 years of history with him and information that's 10 years of actions against any words that he said and you chose to believe his words over 10 years of actions and i get it you're going through a

divorce divorce sucks you're feeling alone fear you know so it's nice to have a comforting person in your life especially that within those 10 years of information you had, there's certainly plenty of good moments at him being there for you. So it served a need for you. And so out of convenience or fear or boredom or whatever it is, you chose to allow him in your life, knowing and ignoring the 10 years of information you had.

And then, you you know you were just hesitant enough that you know you offered him this challenge of convincing you he had changed and you know whatever you want to believe in him and you didn't necessarily do anything wrong and eventually you stopped listening to your gut more and more and then you you said this one word which is your problem is that you said said, now I'm invested, right? You didn't say, now I'm in love. You said, now I'm invested. And now you're trying to get a return on your investment

because a return on your investment would suggest that you're not crazy, that you're not the needy one, et cetera, et cetera. And so that returning your investment your hope you're trying to get in the form of validation for not listening to your gut not listening and paying attention to his actions over his words right and you're being stubborn and not just walking away and trusting yourself and not being like I don't know you're trying to figure out if you have some sort of attachment style disorder because he doesn't want to hang out with you ever. Right? Yeah. So while he might be gaslighting

you and he might be doing some shitty things, you're more focused on being right and not accepting decisions you made and and not and and checking your ego and saying listen i didn't follow my gut again i gotta cut my losses and instead of just accepting that and realizing this is not about love this is about getting a return on your investment you are go you're so willing to start believing his gaslighting you're starting to try to diagnose yourself with other problems you have because, well, if I have a problem, then that's something I can fix.

And if I can fix it, then we can be together because I can control what I can control. You're creating, you're willing to listen to him because that'll allow you to control things that you can fix you know so yeah it sucks when people gaslight us and that's not okay but we as always have to take responsibility for the role that we play because you know you're not crazy you know it's totally normal to want to hang out with people you want relationships with more than like once a week you know people will say like you know a relationship is two people communicating

two people compromising two people empathizing with each other or you know a lot of people and i've had this you know with family and friends, where I might say, well, do you want a relationship with me? And they're like, well, yeah, but only if. It's like, well, wait, that's not a relationship. I might have to be mad at you. I might have to critique you. You might have to critique me. There might be some difficult times in a relationship, but there is an understanding of we want to be close. We want to

listen and grow and learn from each other and spend time together. And that requires sometimes challenging moments and difficult times and difficult conversations. A relationship isn't, I want you in my life to compliment me. That's not a relationship. That's having a compliment ready to go at a moment's notice. It's like, I have this person in my life because every time I try something new, they're like, you know, you're awesome. Thanks for, you're so brave. It's like, okay, well then you've found someone who's willing to compliment you. That's not a relationship yeah i think that i think one pattern that i have is kind of like um when i first start talking to someone i i see like two things that i really like about them and then i just kind of even if they're not everything that

i want them to be i try to make them into someone that deserves me even if they're not yeah sure i get that so work on that right be and you're gonna have to do that alone right are you're still going through a divorce yeah yeah we filled out the paperwork and everything it's just not filed so allow yourself to grieve and process that because the fact that you're just like a little anxious and you want and i get it you want to move on you don't want to like live in the space of like feeling alone or you know i don't know if you or feeling if i don't know how you feel about your divorce but you would it would make sense for you to feel a lot of different things so allow yourself to process those feelings and then you know stop making lists about things that you want start making lists about things you

think you deserve. And when you find it, the phrase out there, hire slow, fire fast. I didn't make that up, by the way. And people should do that with their relationships. Men should do it with women. Women should do it with men.

Take time to get to know someone. And when you think you would like them, take more time to validate those things that you like about them to see if it's something that are just showing you just to get you to like them or if that's really who they are. Yeah. I definitely have a problem with that. Like I definitely just want to believe people are who they say they are. And,

but when they start showing you with someone, when they start showing you that they're not, you need to accept that real quickly and stop thinking of ways that you can convince yourself there's something wrong with you so that you can accept the thing that's wrong with them. Yeah, that's definitely what I do. And I have a problem with dating or talking to more than one person.

Like even if I'm single, I have this like underlying guilt about it. There's nothing wrong with that. Stop calling that a problem, right? There's nothing wrong with focusing on one person while you're getting to know them and dating. I mean, quite frankly, people make that mistake of like in a world where we have dating apps, we have so much access to people and we could be talking to three or four people at a time. Your problem's not focusing on one person. Your problem is once you focus on someone,

you just figure out a way to like them. And you don't qualify them. So focus on them and then say, I don't know this person. Here's what I know what I deserve, and then here's what I know about them so far, and here's what I don't know this person. Here's what I want. Here's what I know what I deserve. And then here's what I know about them so far. And here's what I don't know about them so far. And there's a good chance that, you know, they might be trying to be their best self around me. And don't be a cynic, but just like let it take some time.

And investing in a relationship, even if it's a dating one, for a couple months is okay. And, you know, like people was like, well, I've invested two or three months. So like, I guess I have to like, well, I don't want to waste those two or three months. So then you date someone that you're like, isn't right for you for 10 years. Like what, what is that? So be okay with, if you want to like go slow and focus on one person at a time, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that to just know when to fire fast so you got the higher slow part kind of down well not really but like focus you know but you need to know when to cut that cut them off quickly when they start showing you who they really are yeah and then you move on to someone else you start and then you go back on the dating apps you get to know someone you try again you know yeah yeah that's really hard for me it's hard

for me for some reason to just like let people go out of my life well there must be a part of it that you are feeling like a failure and anytime you meet a guy that you had any type of excitement around and it doesn't work out well what does it have to say about me do i have a bad picker why don't they like me but they're just one fucking guy that you started dating that you like something about him and he turned out to be the person that of your dreams so stop being so hard on yourself stop like accept the fact that dating is hard accept the fact that there are more people that you're not compatible with than you are compatible with.

And it's really a challenge to figure out who they are and be grateful for the opportunity to keep meeting new people and try to get it right. You know, but the way you're going about it is, is having a, like a counter, like you're, you're afraid of wasting time. Yeah. But all you're doing is things that are wasting more of your time you're going you know yeah exactly it's a big waste of time to invest in someone who's giving you 10 years of information on who they are and believing them for two weeks when they beg and then when they once again show you who they are you're still considering sticking it around and trying to figure out what's wrong with you so that because you don't want to worry,

like you're worried about your investment. Cut your losses. Yeah. You know? Yeah, you're so right. Anytime you say to yourself, oh, now I'm invested, leave. Yeah.

Because you're not thinking about, well, now I'm in love. Now I, you know. Once you can say that out loud, you're at risk of investing a lot more and losing a lot more. Yeah, it's hard because I've done this for so long, I've never really had a healthy relationship.

How old are you again? Because I've always been with the wrong person. How old are you? I'm 29. 39? 29. 29? 29.

You're super young. I know, hey, it's the oldest you've ever been, so you feel old, but what? You've been realistically dating for 10 years. It's not that long. Yeah, and I think that since I've been around so many failed relationships and toxic relationships they just turn toxic because obviously i was picking somebody who was just not right for me and trying to like force them to be and so now i almost feel like i don't really know how to have

a healthy relationship like i have toxic habits now. Have you gone to therapy to figure it out? Like I need like the constant. No. So then do that. You know, like you are, you're so down in your dumps about yourself, but there are a bunch of things that work for people that you haven't tried. So instead of being critical of yourself and what you've failed or what you got wrong, be grateful for the opportunity to still get it right. Be grateful that you're only 29. Know that you haven't exhausted all your options of being a better version of yourself.

It's great that you can recognize and take responsibility that some of the toxicity that has existed in your relationship is a result of your own behavior great because a lot of people can't get there so now do something about it right go go go see a therapist and just you know there's nothing wrong with seeing a therapist it's uh yeah i do this shit i want to figure it out why do i do this and quite frankly listen to you i mean i'm sure this i recommend therapy anyone, but like your problems from what you're telling me aren't so like unfixable. Like you, you have an ego is really your biggest problem, right? That I can tell you have a hard time accepting failure. You see failure wrong. You see it as failure and not as an opportunity to get better. You're highly critical of yourself. You don't like losing. You don't like accepting things.

These are very common problems that love everyone has. So like, you're not, you're not without hope. You're, you know, you're not without figuring it out. You're not a lost cause. So just, just fucking do something about it and stop feeling sorry for yourself. And stop investing more in bad investments. All right? All right, well, you're gonna be just fine, but you should feel really good about this because everything you're telling me

is in all of your control. It's all on you. You're not waiting for anyone else. And now you're at a point where, well, what could I do better? And great. That's a great place to be. And there's a lot of things you can do. And that should make you feel good.

Yeah. And bringing myself back to somebody who I may be comfortable around, but just obviously isn't the person that I should be with, is not going to help me move forward. Well, yeah. But you're trying to find someone you're comfortable around so you don't have to worry about how uncomfortable you are with yourself. So get comfortable with yourself first so that you don't require someone you're just used to

to make you feel okay. And as far as this guy you're talking to, cut him out of your life. Like now talk to him again ever okay all right yeah best of luck i'm going to thank you okay bye-bye sunday sunday sunday hey it's uh summertime and uh if you're like me Who's a new homeowner And wants to have the best lawn In the neighborhood Ask Sunday to help you out Because you know what

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with the help of an experienced professional. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp, and vile file listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash vile files. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name?

Sierra. Hi, Sierra. How old are you? 34. All right. How can I help? Well, where do I begin? Wherever you want.

All right. Cool. Let's see. I'm from California originally. Moved across the country when i was 21 i'm 34 so i've been over here 13 years i moved here for my high school sweetheart and then he ended up just bouncing after a year so i stayed out here and just went to school dated a bunch of people i had this roommate that met this DJ that she started dating. And then I was introduced to his DJ friend who ended up being my neighbor.

So we were neighbors for like 10 years. And he is a hoarder. So as friends, you know, I would try to help him clean his house. And he dated other people and I was dating other people. But we had this like whole friendship or come over and help him clean his house. Sounds crazy. But we started dating five years into that. And we're now we're at the point where like, okay, I'm going to move in or I'm not going to move in or we're going to get our own place or something. But how do I, you know, navigate this whole new, I don't know, direction. You just started dating?

No, we've been dating five years. You've been dating for five years. Okay. Yes. And you've known each other for 10 years. Yes. And now you're deciding whether you want to move in with them. Exactly.

And you haven't decided yet? You're still deciding? Well, I can't move in. There's boxes everywhere. There's t-shirts and projects everywhere. It's not livable. everywhere there's t-shirts and projects everywhere like so it's like this is not like he oh like he's a hoarder he keeps like all his jeans like he's a legit it's a he's an extreme case it could be on a tv show yeah pretty much and just i'm just curious like, other than that, great guy. Just like, I don't know.

I'm not saying a hoarder isn't, but like, yeah, kind of gross. The hoarding thing is. Yeah, exactly. So, I mean, we have things in our relationship that like I have been testing just him in ways. Basically, like he's been remodeling his house through all of his hoarding. So there's half a floor in the living room, and then there's just stuff everywhere. And then there's a bathroom that's finished, but the vanity isn't on the wall. So I asked him, hey, can you put the vanity on the wall so I can get ready in the mornings and be like more comfortable staying in his room

or staying at his house and he has yet to put it up and it's been like months does he know he's a hoarder yeah I mean he he knows and he is so like stubborn about who comes over his house to like do work and i don't know he's he's talking around who like comes over and and what was your what was your hope in testing him i mean i just i think personally when anyone says i tested them is you're already you're already off on the wrong foot like it's a relationship not a uh not a class, right? Yeah. I mean, I guess what I'm saying, if he is this bad, right? In the way you describe,

then there's probably some sort of psychological issue that he might need to work through. I don't know much about hoarding, but if there's a difference between like, I don't like throwing things away to like having so much stuff that there is no living space for normal people and it's getting gross and disgusting. Yeah.

I think there's definitely... It's not like it's gross and disgusting. It's more like stuff that he hoards. First, it was records. So he has a whole room full of records and art then it was t-shirts so you walk in his house and there's t-shirts hanging from like the everywhere there's just t-shirts everywhere so i don't know it's just like it goes from one thing to the next yeah i mean exactly so i don't see how you can move in with this guy unless you develop his same taste in hoarding.

Yeah, right? This is not something, and he's how old? 39. Yeah, so this is not like, hey, guess what, guys? I'm into hoarding. And then six months later later he's like remember that weird time I just like collected you know like

it's not a phase you know and so this is something that he does or is going through does he think it's a problem he knows it's a problem for you does he know does he know it's a problem for you does he know it does do you know does he know it's a

problem for him or does he think it's a problem for other people oh everything there's a lot of stress behind it because he definitely knows it's a problem for himself but his friends do make comments about him does he go to therapy does he no he does not go to therapy okay so i think that's something if this is a person that you are considering moving in with then this should be a person that you can have tough conversations with it should be and sometimes that sometimes that tough conversation especially if they're able to acknowledge they have a problem. And again, you don't even have to have a fucking problem to go to therapy. I mean, you can just have like, I have problems

and I'd like to work through them with a therapist. He has a very specific thing where he can be like, hey, I do this shit, it's affecting my relationships. And I want to help identify why I am driven to do this. Right? So totally testing him about like asking him, like, I'm going to see if he's going to throw this out today or hang this up.

That's not gonna, that's not gonna get him to stop. Yeah. He needs to figure out why he's doing it. What's causing him to do this? What's the root of this? I don't even know what it is. Is it anxiety or is it a way how he's doing it, what's causing him to do this, what's the root of this. I don't even know what it is. Is it anxiety or is it a way how he's,

it's a coping mechanism of some sort of stress? I don't know. I don't know if it's some sort of attachment or detachment style that he has or doesn't have, right? Like I'm not in a position to diagnose him, but I'm confident in saying that uh this problem won't be solved with um without him wanting to change that problem neither of you can hope it goes away and he wants you to move in with him yeah he does but it's like a more of a waiting game because i don't really see any like

actions on his end to, and have you, I go over there and I do help him. Like I sell all his clothes on Poshmark. I pick up rooms, I clean his bathroom. And more stuff shows up. It shows up. Yeah.

And it just piles on top of it. And have you said to him, listen, I love you. I, I think you're great. I want to move in with you too, but I,

I just simply can't live like this. Yeah, we have had that conversation. And then what have you guys said to try to do something about it? I mean, it's all just talk mostly. It's like, yeah, I want to be better. I want to do these things that make me better. Well, I'm sure you can understand it. Like, yeah, I want to be better. I want to do these things that make me better. Well, I'm sure you can understand it.

Like, yeah, great. I want to gain five pounds. I want to lose five pounds. You can't wish it. So if you want to gain weight, you change your diet and lift more weights. If you want to lose weight, yeah, you do something about it. And that might require a trainer or maybe some sort of dietician person. And maybe you have poor eating habits and you have a bad relationship food i don't know right and so

yeah yeah you just say listen i love you i really want to move in with you but it's not going to happen until something changes and you can't want to change you just have to figure out have you considered maybe like clearly this is a psychological thing. Totally, yeah. And you suggest therapy. Yeah, and if he refuses to get therapy, refuses to do anything about it, then you're going to eventually have to decide, is this going to work out? Or ever get to that level.

Without being, I feel confident saying, it's never going to just change without him doing something about it. that something is probably gonna require some sort of therapy right basically i just i just want to help him you know whether it's you're not a therapist and and you don't have the tools and like for example like you know if i were part of your friend group i could like i don't know you know what i'm saying like this is a very specific thing um and try to understand his relationships with his you know it could be a childhood thing it could be some sort of trauma there's a whole tv show on hoarders there's clearly some s experts

have you done any reading about like what causes a hoarder to be a hoarder? I haven't watched the show. I just know it exists. Yeah, I guess. No, I guess I haven't. I mean, I know it's always, you know, something deeper than surface level. Again, it's not your job to change him. It's your job as a girlfriend to support him and not judge him and try to give him the support system for him to do the work but if you i mean if you're going to date this guy i would learn about what it means i there must be some information

out there and i'm assuming a lot of people listen to this podcast someone probably knows and maybe they'll reach out but google it like find out and start there again not your job i wouldn't google it and start and then all of a sudden be like all right well i have a plan on how to fix you but i think that might help you empathize right it'll stop you from you know as you say testing him and do these things that aren't aren't gonna all those things are gonna do or make you both stressed out with each other it'll create different problems trying not to be resentful yeah if i can just jump in hi i'm amanda i'm on nick's team and i one of my best friends growing up um she grew up with parents who lived in a house that yeah i was like they were hoarders and i think one of the things that was toughest for her was that it was so

soaked in shame she had so much shame about the state of her house constantly and so i think all hoarders like we know like even if you're messy like that's viewed as like okay you're a dirtier person like we value organization and cleanliness in society so there's a lot of shame that's associated with it so I would just say it's really important that you advocate for your needs in this relationship but when you're trying to draw those boundaries I think maybe just be super mindful of the language you're using and making sure you're framing it as a hey um I need this in order to feel comfortable in the space and not any of the like you're this is gross this is like disgusting like just making sure you're keeping it really sort of like practical about the things like your needs as

opposed to his morality yeah that's great but you're gonna have to decide for yourself you've been in this relationship for five years now you've been in this relationship for five years now. You've been in this relationship for 10 years now. It's been romantic. And while that's, if you are going to stay in a relationship, yes, it's good to not make your partner feel shame for whatever ailments and struggles they have. But it's not your husband.

It's not your parent. And you just have to decide, is this person willing to do something about it? Because while you don't want to shame them you know you you also have the right to not accept this behavior and if you want to be in relationship and you want to live with your partner they're going to have to change and do something about it but i agree with a man in the sense it does you absolutely no good to stay in this relationship not learn about it not have him do anything and just ridicule him the whole time.

Like that's not going to do anyone any good or shame him or, you know, just roll your eyes and things like that. I want to be the helpful person here and positive and, you know, I don't shame him for what he does. But I just want to help him help himself i guess yeah uh and yes telling him that you believe in him telling that you love him are all good things but you do have to hold him

accountable as your girlfriend you know if you don't want to be his girlfriend then that's not your problem but if you do and he says i want to change and you say all right well what are we as a team going to try to do this about because like wishing it is not going to make it happen and yes you should be able to suggest therapy yeah and and maybe you doing yourself some research and educating yourself will help you uh there must be some information out there of how to communicate you know like an intervention so to speak like how how do you do that but um i think that's definitely the next steps is just um communicating that i i want to do something more about it rather than just like you said waiting for it to just i I don't know, figure itself out.

It's good news that he wants you to move in because he wants something. And that might be a catalyst and motivation for him to actually do something about it. Because if he didn't want you to move in, he wouldn't necessarily have a reason to change, right? So this could be definitely an opportunity, but he has to show you how much he wants it. I think that's what, yeah, definitely. All right. Yeah.

Well, thanks for calling. Very interesting. We've never talked about hoarders before. I know. I never heard hoarders on your podcast and i was like oh i wonder your thoughts you know because yeah well i don't know much about hoarders i you know obviously this is something that he needs to work through and he has the right to not change if he doesn't want to and you shouldn't shame him but you have a right to not be in a relationship where you would be expected

to live in an environment that you don't feel comfortable in. Right. Yeah. That's what it comes down to. But it's been 10 years. It's been five years as a real, you know, as you know,

nothing is going to just change by wanting it to not be. I just feel like I've put in what I can completely. And I feel like, um, like it's obviously bigger than me. I can't be the only one trying to help him. Yeah. I mean,

I mean, again, there could be like an intervention of people but it comes down to him does he want to get better is does he think this is affecting his relationships and does he care enough to change so for sure you you know criticizing him or helping him isn't changing him because that's in some ways enabling him because there's nothing he's yet he has yet to lose anything of value as a result of this thing he's doing or you might not even be criticizing him or shaming him you might just be saying things

that are reminiscent of other stuff and so he's hearing it in that way yeah but either way i'm so like at this point he just needs to decide whether like because this is not like how do i cope with a hoarder he you just need to you want to see real change and you have a right to do that awesome yeah it's hard to give like i don't want to give up on him even if our relationship doesn't work out i still want to see him obviously yeah well if i think unfortunately you know i get that you love him you're in a relationship but it's best for yourself and quite honestly best for him if if this relationship doesn't work out that he loses you it might be the one thing that helps him you know put put things into perspective and you know it's the dream to still have the people you care

about in your lives that the romantic relationship doesn't come out. But like you can, you can waste a lot of years. He's not, you know, you don't want to like lose him as a boyfriend, but make him your project. Right.

Yeah. Yeah. But the good news is, the good news is you have yet to actually do what I'm suggesting. And that is really set some boundaries and say, I want to move in with you two. Let's figure out a way to make this possible. Let's look at our options.

Let's not just hope things change. Let's actually try to do this, and I'm here to support you, and I'm here to work through this with you, but I need to see results because I can't. We can't, and I can't, So, like, it's up to you. But he's got to want to do it for himself. I completely agree. Thank you for that.

Definitely hit the nail on the head. All right, well, best of luck. Let us know how it goes. Thanks, Nick. All right, take care. All right. All right, bye-bye. You too. Bye. Bye. How's it going? how it goes thanks nick all right take care all right all right you too bye how's it going good how are you good what's your name my name is amy and i am 33 years old

how can i help amy uh so uh in watching all of your podcasts, I have learned a lot about my relationship. I had no idea this was happening, but you introduced me to the topic of gaslighting. Okay. And unfortunately, I'm pretty sure that's probably what my husband does to me every time we have an argument. I'm sorry. He constantly is telling me how I am too sensitive, how I'm supposed to be feeling. He is always telling me that I need to feel a certain way and I should not feel the way I do. Unfortunately, when we had my son two and a half years ago, I suffered from really bad postpartum anxiety.

I'm sorry. So I changed as a person and he struggles to understand that. Um, I was a pretty carefree person before I had him, but having a kid makes you stressed out. And, um, so he's just all of our arguments now lead to him telling me exactly how I should be feeling and how I'm acting crazy. So I am trying to figure out how to talk to him about it and without making him angry or without having it happen all over again when we're in the conversation.

Yeah. It's a struggle. Have you guys, have you thought about couples therapy? So I brought that up to him about a year ago and he said, we don't need that. We should be able to figure it out on our own. Okay.

Fair enough. But it's been a year. Sounds like it's still a problem. Have you since been to him like, all right, remember that time I suggested couples therapy, and you said we could do it on our own? Well, we haven't. So how about we go to couples therapy? I mean, you're being, obviously.

But, yeah, the point stands. It's hard for me to tell you this because my advice really would be for him in the sense that what I would tell him if he were here is that you got to stop telling your wife how she should feel. Because no one can tell you how to feel. People can feel whatever they want. You know, we live in a, obviously, this is a time where people have all these feelings. And, you know, we want to be respected for our feelings. And we want to feel validated for our feelings. our feelings and we want to feel validated for our feelings and you might your feelings you know right for example he can't tell you how to feel but he can feel a certain way about how how you handle your feelings right and as a married couple you guys have to figure out how to respectfully allow your partner to feel and then work through those feelings together

so you can both get to a place where you feel positive things you know yeah like a really great example is like last night actually um he wants to have another kid i don't um so it's a constant topic of conversation and he's trying to tell me that i'll feel regret and i'll feel upset that i don't have another kid when i'm old and i don't think that i would feel that way it must you must get really mad yeah i mean also like he he can't predict the future and he's projecting what he wants and then telling you how to feel and yeah i mean um i think you need to do like my advice to you more than anything is you stand your ground on the things that how you feel right if you feel that the you guys really need

couples therapy and you're not a therapist and and you know what he's saying is wrong and you know what he's saying is hurting your you know what he's saying is hurting your feelings and it's upsetting you but you don't necessarily know how to speak to him in a way where he understands or listens to you then all you can do is insist that you guys get help because you haven't been able to do it on your own. And the fact that he wants a kid, I guess you could use to your advantage in the sense that he wants something from you. So you, you, you know, I wouldn't lie or anything. Like right now, I have a lot of reasons why i don't feel how you feel and minus you wanting a kid and me not being ready i just right now this is how i feel around you and you might think i'm crazy and you might call me names but i can't help how i

feel any more than you can help how you feel about me. So we need to get to a better place, never respecting each other's feelings and then communicating in a way because I struggled a lot having our first child and you're asking a lot of me to have the second and I can't even fathom or comprehend forgetting about what you think I'm going to regret or not regret. Like I can't have a pregnancy and raise another child with the relationship i have with you if it's all my fault as you suggest it might be then i'm still going to need us to go to therapy so we can learn that together not me go to therapy on my own just so a therapist can tell you you're right and i'm wrong but like like, you know, he's asking something from you, so you have the right to ask something from him.

And that is getting third-party help, getting a therapist, a couples therapist, a counselor, someone who works with couples in these types of problems. And I mean, honestly, that's really my, that's the only advice I have for you is to really just insist. And if he keeps saying no, well, then, then you have to start considering you, you know, because you, according to you, right.

And I'm, I can't talk to him. You're wanting to get help for the both of you is you seem to be the only one interested in the relationship getting better and he seems to be interested in getting what he wants both as a second child and having his wife act a certain way and not responding a certain way or not getting mad about things he doesn't think you should be mad about he doesn't like he doesn't have to necessarily i mean he should try to understand but he doesn't have to understand for you to be justified to feel a certain way yeah and uh i mean you can have him call in and i could i'll tell him this so i don't know if he'll listen but um yeah i bet i think you just have to it's great that you suggested a year ago

but you gave up on it and that's what you should not do, it's great that you suggested a year ago, but you gave up on it. And that's what you should not do. You should revisit that conversation. The fact that you have a few things going for you and the year that he said you could do it on your own and hasn't. And what exactly has he done to suggest nothing? It's like, you haven't done it. We're clearly, and then just say like,

maybe we're just too stubborn to do it on our own. You a lot of people get couples therapy but i'm not having another kid with you regardless even if i wanted a kid i don't want it with you i mean maybe try to say that and like i don't think we should have another kid until we figure us out i mean i can't i flat out told him i'm like our relationship can't handle another child like and i would like to survive i would love our relationship to be able to hand another child but i need you to compromise a little bit like the fact that you are unwilling to even consider therapy with me suggests that is a clear evidence that you are unwilling to compromise and every relationship requires compromise.

I'm not just a vessel for you to impregnate so that you can have more children. I need a relationship. I want someone to communicate, who I can share my feelings to. You have to make couples therapy priority number one. And don't really engage in any other arguments and discussions with him other than that.

And everything he wants to argue about, you revert back to, I would really love to work through this with you in couples therapy because I am exhausted of trying to do this on our own. And quite frankly, I don't think we're really trying. I think we're both trying to just be right and get what we want. quite frankly, I don't think we're really trying. I think we're both trying to just be right and get what we want. So the more you can make it about you guys, whether you feel like it's all his fault or not,

but make it about the relationship so that he doesn't feel defensive. But either way, you just have to really stand your ground when it comes to therapy. And that's all you can really, really do or leave him. I feel like that's the like the last straw if if you won't commit to that i'm not going to continue being treated this way yeah um and i'm not just saying this i'm truly believe it that i felt like awful about our relationship and i wasn't really sure why did i get married to be treated this way um i've never been married before

it's the only time i've been married yeah and in listening to your your podcast and your information it made me realize that i'm not the only person out there feeling like this and that unfortunately other women get treated the same way yeah so it's unfortunate and you know men can be treated this way too you know like we have a lot of hopes and dreams when it comes to marriage and we have a lot of great no one gets married with the expectation i mean that people like yeah i know marriage is hard and then but you still like get married with the idea that this person is going to be patient and kind and you know you probably even at your wedding you know i had read that passion love is patient love is kind love is this it's just like well what the fuck is this bullshit you know but yeah um once you've acknowledged that you know and that's the thing it's really you know a lot of people

and i'm glad you said that because a lot of people in your position will be like i never thought this would happen to me i never thought i would be in this position so get over that and just accept that you are and that sucks right but you once you accept that you know because now you can do something about it you can insist on therapy or as a young woman you can leave and that sucks and and obviously it sounds like you really want to fight hard for this relationship but you're right you don't deserve it it's torture it's a form of torture being in a toxic or abusive relationship or someone's constantly shaming you for how you feel and then telling you that you have to change and they're unwilling to make any compromises

whatsoever and then all of a sudden they're just like yeah also by the way i want to get knock you up again yeah you know what the fuck is that so um yeah try to and just insist on therapy and uh stand your ground and absolutely refuse to be treated that way you know and um you'll you'll and that will at least help you grow in your confidence uh in terms of allowing you if you have to leave then then so be it. But you will do it knowing that you tried. Yeah, and he won't give up because he's Catholic. And you only get married once and you don't get divorced. And that's how he feels. But that doesn't mean that I have to stay in a relationship.

No, you're not his property. He doesn't own you. He can do whatever the fuck he wants. But you have the right to leave. And if that's what he wants, then he needs to do something about it. about it all right well i'm sorry you're going through this that sucks um but uh just stay strong and um you have some options and um the good news is is he does want something from you right now it's a great way to convince him to try to get therapy yeah i'm not i have another kid but this is the way it is right now and i guess i can hold that over his head i'm just kidding i mean yeah but you know you don't want to hold over his head but you know for someone you're if he wants something from you

you want something from him and i absolutely if it's like hey i want to get pregnant uh you know we always with therapy once but like yes things that i'm well i'm miserable you make me miserable you scare me you you this is how i feel and even if i am crazy then i need you to go to therapy with me so we can figure out if it's i'm crazy or if you're a fucking dick so let's figure it out together. You know, so, all right, well, best of luck. I'm sorry you're going through this.

All right. All right. Thank you so much. Take care. Bye bye. Bye bye. How's it going? How's it going,

Nick? Good. What's your name? My name's Ethan. How old are you? And I'm 19. All right. How can I help?

All right. So I'm an ex-warman. I was born into it. And then when I was about 14, my dad left. And then a few years later, my whole family left, including myself.

All right. And so I'm going into my second year of college. And obviously, I've been raised by traditional Christian values, whatever you want to call it. So, you know, Obviously, I've been raised by traditional Christian values, whatever you want to call it. So my gut instinct is to look at sex and dating and that kind of thing as something that is kind of more for a long-term relationship. Sure.

As opposed to just casual sex and hooking up and that kind of thing. So I kind of told myself that that was what I was going to do of course until i met a girl and then things get real right yeah and then reality slaps you in the face so you know i meet this girl i uh we hit it off like immediately right i take her on a few dates um a few weeks later you know the elephant in the room is are we gonna hook up right i mean that's the elephant in the room and so i just played it safe and i said well i'm really not looking for anything casual and i just uh i'm really only gonna do that kind of thing if you're willing to commit to me right and um so i basically scared her away because we haven't talked since. So I scared her away. Yeah. So I'm wondering, I'm asking you for your advice on like whether it's worth keeping this mindset or I just ought to like let this stuff go. Well, I guess, you know, I'm not here to tell anyone, you know, when they should have sex or if they should or shouldn't have sex you know regardless

of the fact that you left the mormon church um right you still have your values right and and like you're a young man right so you're you're still figuring out life and you're and for yourself so let's just let's just figure out like how you should approach things depending on what you want. So in this situation, you started dating this girl. You're going to date. Things escalate. And at this point, when you said something to her, how long were you dating for? Well, things got kind of heavy about two weeks in. Two weeks in, right?

Yeah. And so I think a lot of people can relate to this story. I think we have a lot of women listening to this podcast, and I think the stereotype is more women might relate to you and feel this way because regardless of religious backgrounds or whatever, men and women are both kind of participating in hookup culture but what i find a lot in this podcast is um it might not necessarily they might not be saying oh i want to wait for marriage but they do want to wait for an established

emotional connection right they don't necessarily just want to like you know have sex with some guy a couple weeks in and have them be like all all right, well, thanks for the sex. Bye. Right. Right. And so and we've been talking a lot about this lately. Well, how do we go about how do you go about participating in hookup culture and avoiding disappointment? Right.

appointment right and personally i think if what i you know hookup culture is for me any sex that you're going to have with someone without an established emotional connection like a real foundation and i personally think that that takes a really long time now regardless if you want to wait till marriage or if you want to wait till, you know, and labels don't mean an established emotional connection, right? And I think that's where you made the mistake. Anyone can say, I'll be your boyfriend or I'll be your girlfriend and then have the sex only to realize, I don't know if I like this person. And then they have the right to break up with you a couple of weeks later. And that's where that disappointment comes in, right? People get bogged down in relationships. So it's like, well, he or she said they would commit to me.

And then, you know, as you get to know each other, right? So if you want to avoid disappointment emotionally, you should wait to have sex, right? And it takes a long time to get to know someone. Right. You know, like not weeks, not even months. You know, sometimes it can take a really long time. And as you know, when you're 19, you got two 19 year olds, you're still figuring yourself out. Right.

You're still getting to know yourself. You got school. I'm sure she is. Right. And that's, I think, the challenge a lot of young people are facing is simultaneously trying to get to know themselves while dating and you're all horned up and you know you're all attracted to each other and you're trying to figure it out so it can get complicated for someone like yourself who is not only grappling with that challenge that everyone in your kind of age group or you know that in their 20s might be grappling with but also just deciding for yourself what does sex mean to you right so i think the mistake you

made in this situation is you wanted to put a label on it for yourself right because you're still as a young man you know you yeah sure you left the church but if you're to grow i mean i grew up very catholic right you know a lot of similarities in terms of like when it comes to sex and shame and and things like that right right and so my you know if i my guess is that you know you're still grappling with that and so you've decided okay well i might not be waiting for marriage but sex still means something to me so i still at least need a commitment from someone so you've been dating this girl for two weeks and you like her and you're like well i'm gonna need you to be my girlfriend you know so we can have sex and and and i get the motives behind it but i think as i'm as i'm talking you even hear how maybe how silly that might be in kind of practicality right because

you don't know her she doesn't know you you're still getting to know each other. So now I'm not saying you need to have sex right away, but maybe a better, like if you decide that you still want to establish emotional connection, at least you don't want to like hook up without any assurances, because there are no assurances, right? Especially in the first couple of weeks or months, you could say, Hey, listen, like, I really like you. I really want to keep getting to know you um you know sex does mean something to me right now i'm not saying i'm not really saying anything i know labels don't really hold a lot of weight because you can come and go but i would i want to get to know you i don't really know a lot about you we clearly have a great connection i like i get

excited to see you i'm physically attracted to you i love everything I've learned so far, but I don't know, like I'd rather just take it a little slower and, and it's not going to work for everyone. But like, I think, I think a lot of women, uh, if you say it like that will respond well to you. Right. And because that's going to be a much better approach of, I need you to be my girlfriend to have sex with me. It's like, okay. Like, that doesn't change anything. And in fact, it almost, and I know you didn't mean it that way. It almost sounds, well, it sounds a little nuts when you say it.

So like, I need you to sign here, almost, so to speak. Yeah, it's kind of just like validation to do, to have sex. Yeah. And for you, you know, you grappling with this kind of, you know, religious past, and I get where it comes from, right? But just understand it really doesn't mean anything for someone to call you their girlfriend. What you're trying to do is establish this connection, this bond, right? And men, you know, you haven't had sex yet. So, you know, we've talked a lot about this on the podcast in terms of like men's bodies and women's bodies. And, you know, it's not, you know, it's not black and white, but, you know, the average woman tends

to release, you know, oxytocin, which bonds them to men, you know, after sex and men seem to release more testosterone, which sometimes gives them this ability to feel a little bit more disconnected to their partners. Right. Which is why you find a lot of guys, you know, well, like, I'm really excited about her and I really like her. And then they have sex without the emotional connection. And then it's like, I don't, I don't know how I feel about her right right and it's it's going to take a really long time to build the type of emotional connection for a lot of men and even women to um to really say okay well i i still want to date right because if you have sex too early then your feelings will be more around the sex that you have well what did

you think about the sex was it fun it will it will complicate people's feelings and it will complicate both men and women's feelings right it might complicate them differently and that's why you're going to get a lot of disappointment with people so um now as far as you in terms of like what you should do or should you just dismiss this like, you know, should I just start having sex and with a bunch of people? That's for you to decide. And my advice to you is like, don't let anyone influence your decision. Myself, movie society, your friends like you are only 19. Right.

And you have a lot of time to figure this out. 19 right and you have a lot of time to figure this out and and we've you know regardless of and i think the pp the mistake people make in hookup culture is sometimes forgetting just how powerful and awesome sex is and it still will come with consequences regardless if you think god's going to come down and until you you're going to burn in hell, right? Like consequences could be, again, it could be as simple as being really disappointed afterwards because you have this heightened expectation and your expectations doesn't meet your reality and your feelings change. It could come in the form of an unplanned pregnancy. And then what do you do there? It could be an STD.

It could be a lot of things, right? So like, you know, I think you can, I've participated plenty in hookup culture, but casual sex, I don't like the word because casual implies like, it's not really, it's what's casual, whatever. And casual or not, like, I think people should respect sex and the power of sex. And if they want to participate in hookup culture and, you know, I've thrown some things out on TikTok and people, it creates a lot of opinions. But my whole thing is if you're going to participate in it, you've got to be realistic about your expectations. Right. And so if you're going to have sex for the first couple months, man or woman is like, I just don't think I don't think it's very practical to have much expectations around sex other than people's safety and just having a good time with sex.

Because, you know, after a couple of months and it's even harder for someone in your position because as you get to know someone they're constantly changing and you're constantly going to be changing so you might not you might have gotten to know them in the first couple months but then this girl you're dating takes a class and meets a group of friends and that influences her decisions and her choices and not necessarily for the worst but just different and then she evolves and becomes a different person and well she's done nothing wrong but other than attach some interests that she likes but maybe it doesn't vibe with your interests and then you guys decide hey it was a good run

you know one person breaks up with the other and there's some heartbreak there and so that's where the challenge comes in of of people feeling disappointed because they have attached sex as a way to solidify this emotional connection that they've built over the course of four weeks or nine weeks right and then all of a sudden things change someone leaves the relationship and they're just like well fuck you and you you used me and i you told me you loved me and we had sex to solidify that and then the other person's just like i mean feelings change man you know i don't i didn't know i didn't know and so you know what i'm saying so like i think um decide for yourself take take your time, right? Like, and whenever you do have that, you know, just kind of process those emotions. But you have plenty of time. I mean, I could sit there and tell you like, hey, I used to be Catholic. And I used to feel real guilty. And I used to have a lot of

shame, especially the first time I lost my virginity. And then pretty much every time I had sex with someone new, I would always feel shame and guilt. And that Catholic guilt or Mormon guilt, regardless if you're in the church or not, can stick with you. And eventually, as you mature, people are different, but you get better at processing those feelings and that that can take time you know um and just know that you'll you'll work through that but until then don't let anyone uh you're gonna be plenty of women who are a love that you are waiting

right and then you're doing it for yourself and then when you decide to participate in sex in a relationship even if you get a girl even if you are dating for four months and she's like i love you and you're like i love you let's be boyfriend and girlfriend just realize feelings can change both ways and it's you guys are still young and figuring yourself self out so it's good not to apply so much pressure on sex knowing that like, hey, there's just there are no guarantees. And all this sex, whether you're dating, whether you hook up on the first night, or you're date someone for three months, or like, let's be boyfriend and girlfriend, in my opinion, I think that's all part of hookup culture. And I don't, you know, in my opinion is I don't think there's anything wrong with hookup culture you just have to be realistic about your expectations and what you expect to get out of sex

without having a real strong foundation and emotional connection uh yeah i'm really like set in reality like i i know that reality is not exactly what i want it to be so i know that you know disappointment and you know catching feelings and all that stuff I know it's all at play right yeah so I just I know what to expect and it is easier for me as a guy just because I'm

wired a bit differently like you were saying than a woman and it is easier for me to just participate in hookup culture I guess you could say I mean you know the general yeah generally speaking maybe but like who knows some men are you know might be a little bit more emotional and sensitive than the some women out there there are i've met a lot of women who are you know i'm just like wow you're like my guy friends you know and so everyone's different right so it's um i i just think yeah just um

i mean also like you just enjoy this man right like ah you you know like there's a part of me that's like fuck i'm glad i don't have to deal with that again and there's a part of me it's kind of like man what a what a fun adventure ethan's about to experience when it comes to like meeting women deciding to have sex for the first time you you know, what I would, if I were you, like I'd make a lot of women friends right now, right? And platonic friendships. And I would ask them, you know, what their experiences are with men.

What, you know, how, what do they like? What do they dislike? And I'm not even talking about intimacy specifically, but I think a lot of young men make the mistake of not having conversations with women about their interests and disinterests. You're going to learn a lot more from your women friends than from your bros. I mean, your bros don't know shit,

just like, you know, or porn or whatever. And so ask them about you know what they like and how they like a guy to approach them if they do like a guy to approach them you know and if you are comfortable enough with a female friend ask them about intimacy and what they like and dislike and ask them uh how they felt with if they got disappointed from a guy and so just focus on building these relationships with people now and see where those relationships go and cultivate. And if I were you, that's what I would focus on right now is just a lot of platonic friendships

that include women friends. And if you happen to meet a girl that you like and you things escalate and she brings up sex, just say, and you're, you know, let's say you're just still a virgin and you haven't had sex. Sure't demand a label but just say like i i would i i'm a virgin just put it out there own it and yeah and um i kind of haven't really figured out when i'm gonna have sex for the first time it's not a religious choice anymore but it does still mean something to me so i don't want to just have sex with anyone right uh there's a good bet and i say this to a lot of women your first will just the most memorable thing about your first will just be that it's your first

you know it'll be weird and awkward and it won't, you know, it just most likely just be your first and that's, that's okay. You know, just be safe and be respectful and, and, um, and, and, and try to enjoy the ups and downs. Yeah, I agree. I guess another thing I would say is that I know I would love to, you know, make lady friends. Um, but I'm like physically kind of friends, but I'm physically kind of intimidating. I'm 6'1 and 190 pounds of muscle. Congratulations. Life's going to be a lot easier for you.

I know, I know, but I kind of scare people away, if you know what I mean. So the girls that do kind of approach me or show interest in me, it's kind of more in a sexual way, right? Yeah. Give it time, right?

Like, you know, good news for you is that like, yeah, you're a good looking guy. You're tall. You know, like women are going to be interested in you. But you're still going to be able to make women friends, right? Yeah. be interested in you but you're you're still going to be able to make women friends right um and uh yeah it's it's that's making friends with anyone can be challenging and just set certain boundaries like trust me you can friend zone women you'll you'll get good at it um and then you just don't entertain sex you're just like hey we're just friends ask about guys they like you know um and make it very clear um and you know

just pry it you know and this is going to take time to to build friends and and have friends but and if you meet a girl right and then it is a romantic relationship don't be afraid to ask her questions you know if let's say if she's not a virgin just be like i don't know i've never fucking done this thing before so if you've never done anything, ask them questions. I think a lot of men make the mistake of, you know, wanting to feel macho and they're supposed to know what they're doing. So they don't want to ask. Well, I'll show you, baby, that I'm just, you know, ask, ask your girlfriends, even

if you if they're if it's someone you're interested in, again, what they like, what they're interested in, what what is their experiences have been with other young men that they've dated that they liked or that they didn't like, you know, and don't be so jealous that you can't, Oh, I can't imagine you with another guy. It's like, come on, you know, it's, uh, right. And you, I promise if you do that and you ask a lot of questions, you will be much better for it and your relationships with women overall. All right. That was great advice. I really needed to hear all that, so thank you.

All right. Well, thanks for calling in, buddy. Best of luck. Take your time. Be easy on yourself and just don't set, don't try to be rushed to label things just for the sake of avoiding any you know religious guilt yeah that's my biggest takeaway so thank you for that all right buddy best of luck take care all right thank you

all right bye-bye whoa i did it i crushed it again uh you can't crush it thank our uh callers enough as always um not always easy to do but but they all seem to be happy with the conversations we had. So thank them. Thank you. Don't forget to send in your questions because we need your questions to have this show. And submit them to asknickatcastmedia.com. Cast with a K. And make sure to follow us.

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